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sad-leon · 1 year

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Just Let Me Live In Despair

[I don't wanna wait for Ao3 to come back, so I'm just posting this straight to tumblr]

Summary: Leo had promised Raph that he'd stop with the self harm. These promises are not so easily kept. Fortunately, Leo has a family who loves him unconditionally.

Tags/Warnings: Discussion of Self harm, Depictions of self harm, Unreliable narrorator, meltdowns/breakdowns, Hurt/Comfort, Leo-centric

(no beta, so please dont be too harsh on any typos)

Wordcount: 2497

~~~

”Promise me, Leo, please.”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise,” Leo sighed as he wrapped his forearm before sliding his sleeve up and over the bandages.

Raph sighed. “Do you even know what you’re promising?” There was a hint of desperation in his voice.

“I promise to no longer cut my arms when I’m stressed.”

Raph smiled. “Thanks, little brother.”

Leo hummed as Raph wrapped him in a hug. He knew this was not a promise he’d be able to keep.

Leo growled as he stomped through the crowded venue.

Stupid crowd. Stupid anxiety. Stupid ADHD.

It was stupid really.

Leo was supposed to be walking with his brothers toward a Jupiter Jim booth during the most recent convention after New York had rebuilt itself. They didn’t even have to wear disguises. It was supposed to be fun and relaxing!

But nope. Leo just had to get distracted and wander off toward a booth that caught his eye without saying anything to his brothers.

As he neared the booth, he noticed the pins and charms on display were of characters that looked a lot like himself and his brothers.

“Oh, are you a fan of the Turtle Heroes too?”

Leo jumped and stood straight up, staring at the artist behind the booth. “Oh.. uh, Turtle Heroes?”

“Yeah…? That’s who you’re cosplaying, right?”

Leo looked between the artist and the charms. He suddenly felt as if everyone had turned to wait for his answer. His hands started to itch as he tried to come up with a reasonable answer. “Umm.. yeah! Yeah. Sorry, I- uh.. I didn’t know anyone else knew of.. them?”

Luckily the artist accepted his stuttered response. They shrugged. “Yeah, I tend to get ignored whenever I try to talk about them.”

Panic settled in Leo’s gut. That meant this person had seen them outside before, probably during the invasion. Who else had seen them, then?

“Hey, you’re shaking. Are you okay?”

Leo snapped back to attention and tried to ignore the itch that had taken over both his forearms. “Uh, yeah. Sorry. I’ve got- I’ve got to go. I like your art, by the way.”

He quickly turned and walked away before the artist could respond.

“Hey-” Leo cut himself off when he realized he couldn’t see any of his brothers. “Oh.. uh… okay.”

He glanced at the ceiling and tried to orient himself. Now, if he just walked forward, he’d find his brothers, right?

If he just kept walking…

If he just…

“Fuck,” he hissed when he passed a booth he’d already passed. He glanced at the ceiling. He was not facing the right way. “Of course…”

Standing on his tiptoes, Leo spotted a door that led outside.

He obviously wasn’t getting anywhere, so he might as well leave. The others would notice he wasn’t there, eventually.

Quickly, Leo stomped toward the door. He scratched his arms. He knew this feeling, but the promise he’d made Raph echoed in his mind. He wouldn’t give into the urge to claw his arms open.

Pushing the door open, Leo almost broke into a run as he found a secluded alleyway. He crouched down and took a breath. “Okay. The guy who beat the Kraang getting lost in a convention and running away is not a good image, but who's watching, anyways,” Leo hummed to himself.

He pulled out his phone, intending to call Donnie. His twin would either give him directions, or come find him and they’d go home. Silently, Leo was hoping for the second option. He really didn’t want to go back into the building. Even the thought of going back made his anxiety sky-rocket.

Leo tapped the power button. Nothing.

Again. Nothing.

Fuck. How did he forget to charge his phone? Oh, Donnie was so going to kill him.

Before Leo could focus on that thought, irritation bubbled through his veins, resulting in a low growl.

He needed to hurt. The anger was just beneath his skin and he needed to let it out.

No. He promised Raph he wouldn’t.

But the itching was getting worse. It hurt.

It hurt to not hurt.

Leo shook his hands, trying to shake the feeling out.

It wouldn’t leave.

If anything it was getting worse.

“Fuck!” Leo yelled and swung his arm to the side, smacking it on the edge of a dumpster.

A choked hiss escaped Leo as he cradled his throbbing hand to his chest. God that hurt, but… the itching was gone.

Leo looked at his hand. No obvious bruising or swelling. He tried to make a fist and winced. Okay. Not fists… or holding things for a while, but he’d be fine.

He’d be able to deal with it.

Taking a breath, he gathered himself and started toward the nearest manhole cover. Donnie would pull up his tracker and see back home at some point.

Leo hoped they would have fun.

Leo was awoken by a consistent poking of his face.

“Hmmm, wha-?”

“Oh good. You’re awake. Now. Would you like to explain to me why we turned around to find you missing only to pull up the map and see you back in the lair?” Donnie was standing with his arms folded right next to Leo’s bed.

“Good morning to you too, Donnie,” he grumbled. His hand was throbbing.

“It’s been three hours since we came back to find you asleep. Raph insisted we let you get some rest before interrogating you, but I have run out of patience.”

Leo felt a twinge of annoyance at his twin. This was not how he wished to wake up after the shitty time he had earlier. “Woulda texted. Phone was dead.”

Donnie huffed. Before he could say anything else, his comm beeped. “Saved by the crime alert, dear brother. Hmm. It’s not an emergency, but we should probably go check it out.”

Dramatically, Leo sighed and lifted himself off his mattress. “If we must. Gimme a few minutes, I’ll meet you guys in the kitchen.”

“I’ll tell Raph and Mikey.”

Leon watched Donnie leave before he looked down at his hands. The one he had hit barely looked swollen. Okay. That’s… good.

He flexed his fingers and bit back a his as his right hand hurt from the movement. That was less good. He tried to make a fist. It hurt, but he could do it.

It would have to do.

Raph wouldn’t have to know.

Besides, Leo should deal with the consequences of his actions. Maybe then he’ll learn to stop hurting himself.

Leo was tired of the Foot Clan.

The two leaders were still missing, but the remaining members had formed their own factions, it seemed. The Foot did not seem content with letting the turtles rest, so once again, it was up to a group of teenage brothers to put a stop to whatever chaos the Foot was trying to start this time.

“Hey, do you guys wanna take a vacation?” Leo hollered toward the small group of ninja trying to sneak through the alleyway. “You’ve been committing crimes for what.. a few years now? Surely you can take a week or two off. Get some rest. Relax~”

A knife soaring by Leo’s head made him shut up real fast. The ninja were silent, but they had stopped trying to sneak away. Leo’s hand throbbed. He might have preferred if they just left during his speech.

He really didn’t want to fight.

“Leo,” Raph hissed. “We talked about this.”

Leo just shrugged. “Sorry bro, old habits and all that.” Leo realized his mistake as soon as he said it, so before Raph could put the pieces together, Leo jumped down to engage the Foot ninja.

He tried to use only one sword, but the ninja were stronger than he expected. Even as his brothers joined the fight, Leo was forced to pull his second sword out. And man, did his hand hurt.

The fight went on for longer than Leo would have liked. His hands were shaking and his right hand was going to give out if it didn’t end soon.

Leo had finally gotten the upper hand of the ninja he was fighting when he caught sight of one of the ninja trying to sneak up on his eldest brother.

“Raph!” Leo screamed, but he knew his big brother wouldn’t be able to do much against the sneak attack.

Leo ran, but the only way he’d be able to deflect the attack was if he swung with his right sword.

Biting his lip, Leo swung. As soon as there was pressure on the sword, his hand gave out and he dropped his weapon. He brought his second sword up to defend himself, but he wasn’t fast enough. A sharp pain erupted in his right shoulder.

In a flash of blinding light, the Foot ninja was gone and Mikey was shaking, standing in front of Leo. “Thanks, Mike,” Leo whispered. His attempts to hide the pain he was in were futile. His little brother saw right through his stupid facade. Maybe the sword sticking out of his shoulder wasn’t helping his attempt to be fine, either.

“Leo!” Raph cried and turned around to hold the slider. Leo could barely make out his big brother's face as his vision blurred. The worry made itself clear enough in just Raph’s words, though. “Why did you do that?! What even happened? You had your sword, right? What..?”

Even though he wasn’t seeing clearly, Leo could see Raph connecting the dots. Donnie beat him to it, of course. The overachiever.

“’Old habits', huh?” He reached into Leo’s bag and grabbed what he needed to be able to take care of the wound as they removed the sword. Leo bit down a scream at the pain. “And enlighten me, ‘Nardo. What old habits are we talking about? Because I don’t think it’s just the bad jokes.” Donnie didn’t hesitate for a second before grabbing Leo’s right hand. He applied pressure to the side Leo had hit, making Leo hiss.

Mikey made a noise from the side. “Leo? What happened?”

Leo frowned and hummed.

Raph sighed and gently picked the slider up. “We’ll be talking about this, but for now we need to get you home. Donnie, would you do the favor?”

“Already done,” Donnie said proudly just as the Turtle Tank pulled around the corner. “Let’s get home so we can finish taking care of that wound.”

The next thing Leo was aware of was the steady breathing of his older brother. Looking around, Leo noticed he was held in Raph’s arms while Donnie and Mikey slept near the bed.

Leo shifted and hissed at the pain in his shoulder. Right, he got stabbed. He remembered Donnie rambling about different galaxies as he stitched Leo’s shoulder in the tank, then it all went fuzzy.

“Guhh.. what time even is it?” Leo hummed. He’d meant to keep that in his head, but oh well. A small pit of guilt opened in his gut when Raph grumbled as he woke up.

“Leo..? Leo!” Raph quickly arranged himself and Leo so Leo was leaning against a bunch of pillows while Raph sat up, facing the slider. “How are you feeling, little brother?”

“Like I got stabbed…” Leo tried to laugh but it came out as more of a wheeze.

Raph frowned. Leo jumped when he felt a hand softly smack the back of his head. Donnie and Mikey had both woken up as well. Donnie just glared at Leo as he brought his hand back down to his lap.

“Leo..” Raph hummed. His voice was very soft and full of despair. “You made a promise.”

Leo shrunk into himself. “Technically, I didn’t cut myself,” he muttered.

“Same difference,” Donnie cut it. “Self harm is self harm.”

Leo flinched at his twin’s bluntness. Before he could say anything, Mikey spoke up. “You were doing so well, Leo, what happened?”

Thinking back on it, Leo felt stupid. He was alone and got angry so we flung his arm out and hit a dumpster? How stupid.

“I had a pathetic breakdown behind the convention,” he muttered. It was supposed to be laughed at. No one laughed.

“You… you didn’t ditch us,” Donnie said. Leo wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be a question or an observation, but he nodded anyway.

“Well, I kinda did,” Leo muttered. “I got distracted by a booth, but couldn’t find you guys, so I came home.”

“I’m sorry,” Donnie said.

Leo tilted his head.

“I was rude to you earlier. I thought you left us on purpose. It was smart of you to come home rather than risk getting more lost.”

Leo… wasn’t sure what to do with that. “Thanks..?”

“So, what caused your… breakdown?” Mikey asked, Dr. Feelings shining through.

“I…” Leo considered lying, but decided it wasn’t going to do anything to help his case. “There were a lot of people. I was overwhelmed and lost. I- my head was loud. Everything was itchy.”

“Itchy?” Raph asked.

Leo nodded. “That's why I did it so much. It feels like my blood is itchy. It needs to get out.”

“But you didn’t cut earlier?”

“No…”

Raph surprised Leo with a smile. “That’s good. Not good that you hurt yourself in a different way, but good that you resisted the urge to cut. I’m proud of you.”

Leo couldn’t stop the tears if he tried. “But I still hurt myself..”

“You did, but you didn’t cut, even though you felt the urge.”

The words were stuck in Leo’s throat, so he shook his head.

“...No?” Raph asked, confused. “I don’t know what you’re trying to say, Leo.”

“Shouldn’t- Shouldn’t be proud.”

Raph slowly wrapped Leo in a hug, giving him the chance to pull away. He didn’t. “This… this is a hard situation, but that doesn’t mean it has to be awful. I’m not going to make this harder on you than it already is.”

Leo could see Mikey nod from the side. “Raph is right! Recovery is hard and full of ups and downs! Just because we’re in a ‘down’ doesn’t mean we can’t go back up.”

Leo sniffed. “Thanks, Mikey.”

Donnie put a hand on Leo’s knee. “Perhaps, I can… I could make a sleeve that simulates the pain until you find another coping mechanism…”

“Really, Donnie?” Leo asked.

“Nod. The pain is what helps clear away that itchiness, right? If I could find a way to simulate it, then you can clear your mind during a breakdown without actually hurting yourself.”

“Wow,” Leo sighed. “That would be awesome. Thanks. Donnie.”

Raph tightened his arms around Leo slightly. “Go to sleep, little brother.”

Leo hummed and let his eyes fall closed as he listened to his brothers talk a bit before they settled down.

“Oh, and Donnie,” Raph hummed sleepily. “We are so having a conversation when we wake up.”

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