#ugh i hate my life sometimes
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I am so sick of my mum policing what I'm eating all the damn time. I'd get it if i was overweight but I'm just a little bit chubby. And I work from home so I'm not getting exercise but I'm not overeating. And I eat certain things like takeaways on Saturdays cause I'm fucking depressed and it helps sometimes. And i'm bloody 26. It's got nothing to do with her or anyone how much or what I eat. I'm an adult and it's my body so its my choice ffs
#rant over#god i just want out of my house!#like don't get me wrong#i love my mum#but when she's drunk or just particularly annoying i wish i had my own place#and only came over at the weekends#cause its just too much sometimes#it's nealy Christmas for god's sake#and it just feels like i want to get away!!#ugh i hate my life sometimes#personal
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idk why i'm so moody these days but i find my despair funny
aka my average day as of now
#1. impulsive silly thoughts#2. STOP FORGETTING TO EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!1 please :3 (note for myself me myself and i)#3. i get sad 🥱#4. tired#(tumblr deleted half of my tags. isnt that nice though you wont have to listen to my essay of vents nobody wanted to hear that)#vent art#wrylu#lu's canvas#negative thoughts below :) have some flowers 💐#sometimes i feel like i should get up more and spend time with my family i miss how it used to be#but you know what i suck and im practically glued to my chair and im lazy like if i was one of the 7 deadly sins i would be sloth#im surprised im not dead yet#this is purely for myself to speak my poor mind#no i actually hate this#i wanna die#i wish i was dead#not really#but still#i wish time just stopped so i can re evaluate my life#and whoa damn dysphoria makes an appearance ever#i wish i had a schlong (funny)#this is awful#sometimes i feel manipulative like i switch my emotions and personalities so hard#am i manipulating you guys??#i feel like im being sad for attention#ugh i hate that the internet is my comfort#thats bad isnt it#i feel like an attention seeker#why am i even writing this 🥱🥱#i cant wait to fall asleep forever
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truly at the end of the day its all about receiving validation
#<- was having a lot of fun drawing fat william till he stopped to think about what other people might think#<- very important that people like him just as much as i do#<- incredibly important (i love him so much and his character is so much more nuanced than the fandom ever gives him credit for#and he already gets shat on way too often by people who don't understand what they're talking about)#truly the amount of hate based around him being a murderer is insane. Brother he's not a real life murderer. he's not going to#come out of the screen and hurt you#I NEED PEOPLE TO AT LEAST LIKE HIM A LITTLE BIT *bursts into tears*#and i need validation#and getting people to simp for him and think oh hes hot 😳 is one of the easier and more entertaining ways to get nice comments#what i lack in skill and talent i can make up for in character design and suggestive subtext right?#ugh#i dunno it feels like the only way to get people to say sometjing nice about my art sometimes#don't get me wrong i adore drawing him slutty but. ougggghhhhhh#hope it doesnt sound like im implying he's less attractive if hes fat personally i think hes hot as fuck#its mostly about stupid ass conventionally attractive shit#and also that people get bullied for portraying him fat... That too#anyways#im normal again now#toxi.txt
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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.
#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work#if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc#ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk#ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want#and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met#and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen#words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know#but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way#but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything#IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS#ok im done
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not to post about someone who isn’t here anymore but I miss bbycnt so bad that’s my fucking friend right there she was the fucking best 😭
#unimportant thoughts#woke up to the sweetest message of support from her this morning#ripping my CHEST OPEN dude people CARE about me sometimes#😭😭😭#like! im her friend !!!#she wants me to be happy and cut out unhealthy people from my life !!#she introduces me to her girlfriend and sends me cat videos and !#stopping at any sadness in its tracks from now on by asking myself ‘what would bbycnt say about this’#what am i doin dude#this year i told myself one of my goals was to stop getting so in my head about my friendships#and consciously reach out to friends more and trust that they would communicate if i was annoying#and where am i now? frustratingly alone feeling because i let myself convince myself everyone hates me#refusing to reach out to people who have done absolutely nothing but welcome me with kindness#just becsuse i decided that they dont care about me the way i want to according to my arbitrary rules and experiences#UGH#need to splash water on my face and slap my cheeks a few times#Teddy!!! be normal about your friendships and bonds with people !!!!#you cant expect everyone to understand when youre sad or lonely and want reached out to!!! you have to reach out yourself too!!!!#i mean admittedly some of my pain is that it feels like im the only one reaching out and caring and its nof reciporicated#BUT im not even giving people a chance or communicating that im just giving up cause i love self induced misery#GOING TO DO BETTER#going to do better going to do better people care about me and want to be my friend i need to be a better friend for them#🫡🫡🫡#delete later#bbycnt
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Tears in my eyes and a forced smile on my face as I try to ignore the crippling agony I get cursed with monthly
(Keeping it together cuz I genuinely don't have the energy to lose it)
(No I am not a werewolf)
#remus lupin#🤝#me#and all pussy bleeders#i cant even stand up to get drugs cuz i don't know if I'll make it back into my bed#cant go to sleep cuz the pain is crazy#i say that like i sleep anyway#or like i dont go through the same thing every month#literally just watching marauders edits on tiktok#scrolling though my saved#marauders era#periods#ugh#soneone get me a james potter#i just wanna be loved😭😭😭#i never loved anyone more than i love unhinged cr reg defending james#also cr james and sirius and remus#and also any fic of james and sirius being unhealthily codependent#idk if my bestfriend is still my best friend and im lowkey losing it#i cant tell if im going crazy or if shes genuinely a bitch#like i love her but damn has girl been pissing me off lately#but sometimes i get in a i hate everyone mood#and i love her sm but idk if i can trust her#and i just love pandora😭😭😭#also rosekiller is everything to me#also james and remus friendship is my life#also im still in sm pain#also im having an existential crisis#idk who i kin rn#its been going on for a while now
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I might probably start smoking or drinking sooner or later. Or maybe both
#no seriously i will say some heavy things in this tags so just be warned#i deal w a heavy heavy weight and my life is very shitty#i like living. sometimes. but my life is terrible yeah#i like finding unhealthy coping mechanisms because i know theyre unhealthy and I shouldn't be doing them so i have something else to worry#about.#i was formerly addicted to sh. i cant do it anymore cause ppl keep checking my arm and ugh i hate this#i am obsessed now w sweets. candy and energy drinks#mainly monster because its tasty. and i never drinked the other ones. im scared of trying new things ngl#my eyes are getting yellow and i am anemic already#i wont stop because i like having this to worry about.#“fuck i should stop doing this this is making my health terrible”#so i forget about my little shitty life#i am probably going to start smoking or drinking. or maybe both#i just wont vape because i have a lot of things agaisnt ppl who vape /silly#fuck i'm so young and like i live like if i was 25#someone should give me a pacifier and chocolate milk#i was not supposed to be living like that#🍷.txt#special#i probably just want someone to worry.
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy
#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story#first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends#something that had been ongoing for years but#my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year#my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on#i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed#i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally#i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain#pain so bad id be bedridden for hours#got 6 weeks of migraines near daily#sometimes multiple in a day#stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care#bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied#visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again#am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone#but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present#constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working#and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet#lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year#the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers#i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet#UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god#anyway im sure ive failed#and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years#anyway deep sigh i just stay losing#i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls#and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down
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guiiwgghauaiauagguaiaghjjghjjjhhhh
this didn’t fit in the hashtags but donr rb or comment I’m just screaming to myself atm I’ll probably delete this shit tomorrow goodnigjt fuck everything live vs kill
#vent because I’m going fucking insane#so I got a weekend job right#Yay! So fun! money!#but now I have absolutely no fucking free time#and I hate it cause all I want to do is draw#I just want to draw#Just a little bit#All I want in life is to draw#but I don’t have the time#and I feel like im going to die on the floor#cause I wanna draw so badly!!!!!!!#like it’s actually such a pain and I feel so overwhelmed and I just want to cry like a big baby about it#I would draw more but the thing is it takes me so long to get home from school#and I have to walk a dog after school sometimes#and then I don’t have a lot of time before I eat dinner#then I do my chores which isn’t a lot but I still don’t want to do them#and it just#UGH#I can’t draw inbetween like getting home and supper because I need time to recharge cause if I don’t recharge I’ll get artblocm and then#not want to draw at all which I don’t want#So I don’t get time to draw cause im either occupied with something or im recharging after doing an activity#and I just feel so stuck!!!! Cause now I work a 9-5 and I hate it cause im so tired after work!!!!!!!!!!!!#I also think im just scared cause im actually growing up now and im feeling more exhausted than ever#like I want to do stuff with my friends#I wanna have fun#I want to do things#this is why I love summer because despite the heat and the bugs I have time to myself#I rarely have time to myself if any when im in school#and I HATE ITTTTT#I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH
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sometimes life just goes to shit
#every single fucking thing that can go wrong is going wrong#and it's so tiring#i can't express myself correctly#i can't correct the banking fuckup that happened#i can't even talk to my dad anymore because he is a) going deaf and b) insulting me every time we have a conversation#ugh#life is shitty sometimes#and i hate that
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I keep flip flopping between telling myself that stylized art just isn't my type of art, I just can't do it well, better stick to what I'm good(?) at, then 5 seconds later seeing the most amazing stylized art and going I wish that was me I wish I could draw like that 😭😭 and it's not productive but it happens more often than I would like
#i can't do cell shading for the life of me#i can't do hard transitions between colours and shadows#i can't do messy art#I wish I could because I think mine is so bland#I try to leave my art intentionally messy because I feel like it needs it#but then I end up unhappy anyways thinking it looks blotchy/dirty#Adam Duff says “know thyself”#i.e. as an artist know what you're good at#know what type of artist you are#and I think I'm just a “renderer”?#for lack of a better word#but sometimes I wish I could just whip out beautifully flat shaded sketches#alas I hate the look of mine whenever I attempt them#so painstakingly high effort art it is#tldr art envy is robbing me of all my joy and I don't know how to stop it#sorry I actively try NOT to whine on my blog but sometimes it comes out anyways ugh#personal
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I DO, however, want to take the time to say that "Enjoying a dynamic as a horror story/as something incredibly fucked-up that should never in any way be replicated in real life" and going "Aw, look at them, they're in love, I hope they're together forever!!" are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
#I would argue that a synthesis of these two ideas is the foundation for the MAJORITY of things that I ship#I think my irritation is more...there's an insistence that you can ONLY enjoy a fictional dynamic (or indeed fiction in general) in ONE WAY#either it HAS to be 'Super Edgy Divorced From Emotional Investment Done Solely As A Thought Exercise' or 'I want these two to#be together because it's the road of Least Problematic for everyone/sends the '''''Right''''' Message'#and this binary and refusal to acknowledge any kind of media evaluation outside of it (or even like. WITHIN it sometimes. as evidenced by#the people who stick to one side of said binary and unilaterally hate on anyone not on that side) makes actually trying to#dig into anything in a community context needlessly difficult#I think in my case it's less 'ugh people are doing this' and more 'well I seem to be the only one in this particular niche/analytical lens#AGAIN' which isn't like. a Life-or-Death Problem but it IS very frustrating a;sfkjas;lfjkasl;dfkj#something can be a horror story AND a romance just look at The Perfection netflix
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kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)
#guys i have worth??? im actually a human being deserving of basic respect and SHOULD be apologised to if i am not given that??? holy shit#ok but like i actually was pretty mad and i just wasn't going to talk to them when the weekend ended but to think they'd actually apologise#guys i am a friend worth apologising to omg this is so nice#(<- was fuming over how i was a “friend” not even worthy of her basic decency and respect an hour ago)#LIKE IM STILL MAD#okay i actually cant vaguepost to save my life but basically this girl whos a friend i recently got close to and formed a friendgroup with#shes really fucking whiny and ive been tolerating it for so long but on friday she was extremely whiny and rude whenever i just asked a#simple question#and it's really draining and humiliating to be spoken to like poop on the sidewalk in front of other people#but anyway other than that i was really upset because during pe i wanted to show her my hip injury cuz i thought it was funny#(it wasn't diagnosed yet i just felt my joints moving weirdly)#and like that involves her putting her hand on my hip#so i asked her to do that then she started whining about how she doesn't want to touch me and that i'm weird for asking ppl to touch me#then she started telling like the 3 other ppl around us i was weird and wanted ppl to touch me#then this other cool girl overheard and looked at us funny i guess cuz then the friend said 'haha now [cool girls name] is also laughing'#i was so fucking embarrassed and humiliated i still want to tear up thinking about it#like are you actually my friend wtf i don't even need enemies w a friend like you#i wanted to cry so bad then#ugh i hate it#like you couldve just said no thanks bro what is ur problem#this just made me realise how much i hate how she talks to me sometimes#and i know i need to stop surrounding myself with negative vibes in order to feel happy#but its still so frustrating#we were doing so well the other day and google meeting everyday#then this happened and then she got mad and started ignoring me on the way home#bro idk i hate ts i should just stop making friends#rant
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if I think abt the state of trans politics in the US for more than .2 seconds I start wanting to sob god I hate it here
#damien.txt#obligatory obv this is not the worst place etc etc but like. crazy that i feel WAYYY less safe than i did 3 yrs ago!#like bro what the fuck happened. we were like...... vaguely making progress. why the fuck are we here#it really makes me feel sooo nauseous like i have so much anxiety abt it#so much that my brain starts convincing me that Maybe Im Not Trans bc i get so anxious abt it#literally hitting the 'maybe it's not worth it' mindset even tho like. id-ing as a girl makes me want to throw up#idk. idk idk idk. it's so shitty#unfortunately im a person that really values comfort. and like. it can be really hard for me sometimes to like#decide that those types of risk to personal safety/comfort are worth it. idk.#but also literally ive known i was trans since i was like 12. so. haha. what the fuck would i even do#also! this really has me delaying like. doing certain things with like transition#like lowkey im soooo scared to get top surgery with the current climate#even tho i might have the money for it in abt a year 👀#and like. really truly i cant see myself regretting it. like even if i didnt commit to other transition stuff.#i think i would like top surgery. like forever.#but man!!! im just so scared of getting hate crimed. ugh.#i need to learn to not be. so scared of things like this. like i need to learn to live life like how i want to#but also MANNNN this shit is so scary i cant handle it#yeah. idk what the solution here is. this has literally been on my mind for like a year
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