#u may be asking

[saetoru]

i need to switch tumblr back to the chronological order thing bc i have it as "show me the best stuff first" or wtv it is and then i see things from like 5 days ago and like them and im like oh that is embarrassing

[flyingmishmeshincognito]

Uuhhhh here have a snufkin or something (???)

Glitter pen snufkin...

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

[hinamie]

theyre soft your honour

[corpsentry]

a glass sun 1/2

[ash-and-starlight]

celebrating Her month by updating my mai&sokka bestieism manifesto & introducing their matching undercuts era

[ahalliance]

one thing that’ll always sadden me about qsmp lore wise is that we never got to see all the qfrench bombshell revelations take place . all their conflicting views coming to a final head . the number of conversations étoiles “fuck the federation”, baghera “i used to hate them but it’s all so much more grey now” and antoine “the federation are my friends” left taper off bc there was that unspoken undercurrent of ‘ermmm let’s just move past this and not get into it’ well what if they HAD gotten into it . what if the others finally found out about qbagz past as a fed experiment, and her fear of them blaming her for the plane crash . qayp/ayrobot’s whole fucking deal, that he’d been watched by the feds for years before getting taken . qantoine literally aiding the federation in their plans and experiments . what if huh

[choccy-milky]

seb wants to be pet, too 😤💕 ((TYSM to @angel-fr0m-venus for asking how seb would react to clora petting all the cats around the school/hogsmeade BAHAHA. like a neglected puppy, thats how🐶))

[baskeigh-ball]

Okay, so, if I'm reading correctly, they meet Raph after catching Oozesquitoes for Big Mam, yeah? If so, who catches Leo when Draxum yeets him from the roof?

Donnie came to the rescue instead! Of course, that left a certain box turtle on his own inside the building:

but he's doin ok :]

[arunneronthird]

so i was watching the sonic dub

[cuppedz]

Experimenting with shapes and the beta kids

[temeyes]

hear me out: Gaz tummy

(There isn’t enough love for Gaz and it make me kinda sad tbh he’s so pretty)

~Valentine

oh anon, i'll do you one better-

gaz tatas, you're welcome

[risibledeer]

hello! Hope you’re having a lovely timezone! I have come to request some Ethoslab art? Your style is very cozy and yummy looking. Thank you! <3

ethorot is going strong lol

ps ty for the req! and the compliments

[aseuki]

Sleep power coming in clutch

[devotion-disorder]

ok since you listen to drama cds which japanese VAs suit the elves (this is totally not suspicious and i will not look those voice actors up when you answer)

love you for this. muah

Killian: 佐和真中

Asa: i dont know actually. 猿飛総司 mayhaps?

Yuri: 彩和矢

Mishka: 冬ノ熊肉

and i know you didn't ask for this but:

Kuuya: 一条ひらめ　(but like, imagine if it was more high pitched)

Noel: 湯町駆 or 五日天峰 mayhaps?

[kingslayerstew]

jaimeilyn from the perspective of jaimes entourage...