#two and a half men quotes

[19panophobia16]

Lilia: "So, you're just gonna sit there and feel sorry for yourself?"

Agatha: "No. I'm also gonna drink."

[scottishaccentsareawesome]

Agatha: Alcohol is poison. Teen: If it’s poison, why do you drink it? Agatha: Because there are things inside of me that I need to kill.

[incorrect-piltover-quotes]

Vi: You look like my first wife.

Caitlyn: Wait, how many times have you been married?

Vi: None yet.

Caitlyn:

Vi:

Caitlyn: Oh my God.

[theocddiaries]

Bruce: Hey, Clark, come here. Clark: What's going on? Bruce: I'm doing Selina's laundry. Clark: Why? Bruce: Because Alfred won't. Clark: Then why doesn't Selina do it herself? Bruce: Because I told her I'd get Alfred to do it. Clark: Aha… Do you have any idea how to do laundry? Bruce: You wash them, you dry them, how tough could it be? Clark: So, what do you need me for? Bruce: Which one's the washer? Clark: …That one. Bruce: Thanks. Clark: Just kidding, it's that one. Bruce: Ah... Clark: Sorry, it was the first one. Bruce: … Clark: Look, it says "wash" on the dial. Let's start by separating her delicates. The reason you do these separately is they're mostly synthetic. Hand me the detergent. Bruce: This stuff here? Clark: No, no, that's fabric softener. You put that in after the first rinse cycle. Bruce: …You know what? Maybe I'll just buy her some new clothes. Clark: Don't be such a baby. [grabs a bottle]: Detergent. See? There we go. Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle, done. Bruce: Now what? Clark: We wait. Bruce: How will we know when they're done? Clark: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone. Bruce: Really? Clark: … [A FEW MINUTES LATER] Alfred: Who's using my washing machine? Bruce: Excuse me, but it's my washing machine and I'm using it to wash Selina's clothes. Alfred: You're doing laundry? Bruce: Hey, it's not rocket science. Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle. But first, you separate the delicates. Alfred: Is that so? Bruce: Yeah, that's so. Clark: Listen to him, he's the smart one. Wanna know how I know that? The washing machine called and told me…

[wistfulwatcher]

LINES I QUOTE DAILY | Two and a Half Men, “A Lungful of Alan”

[capndragn94]

*Entrapta is made Queen of the Horde*

Catra: Okay, you and me need to talk.

Hordak: I know, I know. You didn't sign up for this. You work for me, not her. And it's bad enough you have to put up with Scorpia and the cadets.

Catra: No. I like her better than you. So from now on, I'm working for her.

Hordak: What?!

Catra: You need something, you ask her, she talks to me, we decide.

Hordak: I don't get a vote?

Catra: Yeah, you get a vote. One vote out of three.

Hordak: ...

Catra: Good luck with that.

[incorrect-esmp-quotes]

Sausage: I keep having this nagging feeling that I forgot something.

Joel: If you forgot, then it wasn't important.

Sausage: Yeah, I guess.

Hermes, standing in the pouring rain:

[incorrect-xena-quotes]

Xena: You look like my first wife.

Gabrielle: Wait, how many times have you been married?

Xena: None yet.

Gabrielle:

Xena:

Gabrielle: Oh my God.

[hawkinsincorrect]

Karen: You know, it wouldn’t kill you to talk to your father once in a while.

Mike: We don’t know that.

[harveywritings92]

Iris, tugging on Ghost’s pant leg: Mr. Ghost you have to put a dollar in the swear jar.

Ghost, amused: Oh, Why?

Iris: Because you said (looks over her shoulder at her dads) The F-word.

{Soap snickering as he watches his step-daughter put Ghost in his place.]

Ghost, opening his wallet: Here’s $20, kid. That should cover me until lunch. *walks away.*

Soap & Smoke, gawking a Ghost in disbelief:....

Soap, to Smoke: Advance payment for swears is cheating, right? Like it defeats the whole purpose of a swear jar???

Smoke, shrugging: I-- I honestly don’t know, the swear jar was intended to stop Iris from swearing, I never thought about adult implication....Let’s just see how this goes.

[Needless to say. Iris made off with about $600 in one hour, just by being in the same room as the 1-4-1 soldiers.] 

[crybabycunt]

(looking at a website dedicated to thirsting after Yelena)

Yelena: 'I would let Yelena break my back like a glow sti'--okay, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?

Kate: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.

Yelena: Well, how do I find out who created it?

Kate: Now, let's see, huh? Okay, uh... okay, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... (chuckling): Yelena Belova Can Run Me Over, Ltd.

Yelena: I can what?!

Kate: They sell t-shirts and coffee mugs!

Kate: (clicking) Add to cart.

Yelena: Heyy! Don't!

[19panophobia16]

*Su's first time getting drunk with Lin being there*

Lin:"Alcohol is poison"

Su:" If it's poison, then why do you drink it?"

Lin:"Because there are things inside of me that I need to kill"

[resident-wof-expert]

Snowfall: I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Lynx: If you forgot it, then it wasn't important.

Snowfall: You're probably right.

Icicle: *still in the dungeons, awaiting judgment for the past 6+ months*

[incorrect-piltover-quotes]

Cassandra, about Vi: Caitlyn, if you continue to see this girl it will hurt me deeply.

Caitlyn: I might have to marry her.

[incorrectquotesmcu]

Pietro: I’m looking for my sister.

Bartender: Drunk redhead?

Pietro: Well, she isn’t always a redhead.

[gedankenkaputt]

"Jetzt kann man nur noch trinken bis der Teil des Gehirns, wo die inneren Bilder auftauchen, tot ist."

-Charlie Harper