#tw autistic shutdown

[clownrecess]

(tw for talk of autistic meltdowns and shutdowns)

I want to talk about autistic shutdowns and meltdowns Everybody experiences them differently so please be aware that I am only writing this from my personal experiences.

When I have shutdowns, I begin to have an extremely difficult time moving any part of my body. I become very stiff, and "locked in". My facial muscles tend to stiffen a bit, and I'm not quite sure what this looks like, but I know I can feel the muscles near the front of my eyebrows get tight and I can not relax them.

During shutdowns, because I can not move my body very well (Like it's close to nothing, my movement is severely limited during these times), I can not use my AAC device properly. If I tried, I would probably be only to press something like "I bad", and even that would be very difficult. This is not only frustrating, but very overwhelming for me, because when I have shutdowns I have a ton of thoughts all at once. When I have this many thoughts at once, I need a way to release them. But I can't. This is different from a meltdown, because in a meltdown I have very few thoughts, and the thoughts I do have are usually just very distressed thoughts of "Stop it. Stop it. I need to leave. No." but with a lot of cursing. In meltdowns, my body movement is not restricted, more so impaired, because my body will move a lot, it just won't do what I want it to do. Due to this I tend to run away from everything and everyone (when I really just want to leave the sitiation), violently stim such as hitting or biting myself (when I just want to express that I feel bad), yell or scream (when I just want to try and self regulate but my body WON'T stim helpfully), intense crying, and more things.

There is a similarity between shutdowns and meltdowns though, despite them both being very different. In both scenarios, my ability to communicate is super limited. If I am having a meltdown, I might hit my device, throw my device away from me, or hit myself with my device. If I am having a shutdown, my body literally just can not move enough to use it.

During my last shutdown I was able to write a short message in my phones notes app, to try and communicate my thoughts to my mother. What I was trying to say or explain was that I was feeling nervous at that time, because I was dressed interestingly (let's be honest lol. I was dressed EXTREMELY emo, and I was in a place full of rich looking probably cishet people who kept looking at me weirdly before the shutdown even started) and I thought that the people around me would think that because I was already dressed different, and was now acting different, that I was being attention seeking. What I ended up writing was "All Think I attention whore". (also I want to note that my clothes or how I present was not at all related to the shutdown. I was just extremely overwhelmed.)

[ein-schnee-sturm]

“  who  did  this  to  you  ?  ”

( From Ruby Rose to Weiss Schnee! )

It was probably a question most had (or, rather, were likely to have) these days; Weiss Schnee was only known to have one facial scar, after all. A fencing match gone wrong, was the official story behind the scar that had blinded their left eye, but the truth of that matter… In a way, it was a similar answer as to how the Heir had gotten the three jaggedly diagonal scars that now also characterized the left side of their face.

And although trauma reflex made the middle Schnee child immediately want to conceal the truth, to not answer Ruby’s well-meant question (Weiss was slowly learning to read their Teammates), to hide this along with their Faunus heritage… They themself had been the one who demanded Trust, and Winter was always reminding them that Trust between Teammates was vital, so the white-haired teen breathed in deeply to steel themself.

Requiring the presence of Blake and Yang as well — they could only say it once — Weiss finally answered. Unconsciously imitating Winter’s usual parade rest, gaze fixed above their Teammates’ heads, the duelist began, “…When I was eight, I experienced a — lapse in my sanity. Clinically, a psychotic break. When I woke up, I was told that I had blinded myself.” That Man also claimed they’d tried to kill themself, but Klein had never said anything about if, so Weiss hadn’t questioned it.

Of course, taking about That Incident was the easy part; they had compartmentalized and distanced themself from it. The rest, on the other hand… the rest was much, much harder. For a moment, all Weiss could do, was try to work past the lump in their throat and the tightness in their chest. Closing their eyes to try to force away the sudden burning behind their eyes, the swordsman stared rocking back and forth, stimming to try to calm themself down.

“The other — the other three…” Swallowing a distressed noise, they forced out, “Opa — my grandfather, Nicholas Schnee — died when I was seven, and we — we kept his armor, and when I said I was going to Beacon — against my Fa — That Man’s edict that I wouldn’t follow my sister to any Academy — he set me a test.” Only after a long moment of deep breathing, could they continue, trying not to work themself into a meltdown or shutdown before they fully answered.

“I fought the Arma Gigas — the monstrous thing that — that That Man created — by fusing a Geist into Opa’s armor. I won the right to be here, but — but I destroyed the last remnant of the closest thing to a real father my older sister and I ever had, in the process.” Ugly tale finished, Weiss curled into a ball in the nearest corner, and began rocking back and forth silently. They could say and do no more.

Expectedly, they were experiencing a shutdown.

@mused-like-roses

[son-of-pendragon]

The only reason lancer can look at you is because he's not human anymore and cannot remember how much he hated you

Talk shit

…It was probably time to admit it, at least to himself — this very thing was a constant, nagging fear in the back of his mind. One of the loudest voices that kept him awake at night. One of the few thoughts — fears — that could make the ringing in his ears and the trembling of his hands start just by existing. Probably shameful and stupid, but… “I’m not even his son,” Mordred mumbled, head hung and gaze far away, as those very sensations began. The ringing in his ears; the trembling of his hands; the screeching static that blotted out everything else. “At most, maybe… a disappointing… replacement…” His tongue felt heavy, words a chore…

…then nothing.

[psi-spectacular]

(eyestrain)

meltdown vs shutdown

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Shutdowns

Autisticality

[beep-beep-robin]

robin stops meeting up with the others, rarely even picking up the phone when steve calls.

they think she‘s angry at them for some reason, the last time she was with all of them she barely spoke, giving them all the silent treatment. she left early, asking steve to drive her home.

then eddie starts acting the same way. he withdraws himself from everything they have planned, shutting himself in at home.

steve and nancy are at a loss. the kids are confused. did the two of them have some secret pact to leave them all in the sand that they didn‘t know about?

so nancy sends steve over to their places - after all he knows robin best, and she doesn‘t feel like her presence would make eddie very talkative. and steve had gotten a bit closer to eddie in the past few weeks anyways.

he goes to eddies place first, because for some reason he thinks he might get an explanation out of eddie a bit quicker than if he went to robins first. he also kind of wants to give robin a bit more time.

but wayne opens the door, and he stops steve when he says he‘s here for eddie. tells him he needs some time alone now. but steve‘s had it. he wants to know what‘s going on with his friends, and he wants to know now.

he gently pushes past wayne, who doesn‘t budge too much, but steve makes it work. wayne on his tail, he walks down the hallway, softly knocking on eddie‘s door.

no reply. slowly, he pushes open the door. and there‘s eddie, on his bed, a huge pile of blankets on his shoulders, chewing on his hair and rocking back and forth with a bunch of dnd books spread out in front of him.

after two “hi eddie”‘s, he finally looks up at steve. waves at him. wayne reaches steve, telling him he should‘ve just left it alone. but eddie shakes his head, nods it into the direction of steve and then the room, as if to beckon him over.

so steve walks in, wayne throwing a questioning look at eddie, to make sure he‘s fine - a nod, and the door closes.

it doesn‘t take steve long to figure out that eddie doesn‘t, or even can‘t, really talk right now. so he just sits with him, eddie occasionally pointing out something interesting in his book to steve, and steve takes it all in with genuine curiosity. he enjoys hearing about things eddie likes.

after a while, eddie huddles in a bit closer to him. eddie’s just laying there, eyes tracing over the bumps and patterns on the ceiling, and steve almost falls asleep, basking in eddies presence.

then he remembers he was supposed to visit robin as well - and if robin‘s feeling anything like eddie seems to be feeling right now, he wants someone to check up on her.

he can‘t really leave eddie though - if the look on his face when steve got up to call nancy on the munson‘s phone was any indication. so he asks her to go check in with robin, make sure she‘s alright - that he doesn‘t think eddies withdrawal has anything to do with him not wanting them around anymore.

nancy doesn‘t mind. she likes robin, is comfortable around her. more comfortable than she‘d ever really felt around anyone, except for barb maybe. so that brings her to robins room, her parents having let her in.

no sense for boundaries, nancy noted when they simply threw open robins door, revealing her on the floor next to her bed. she‘s wearing headphones, music blasting so loudly that nancy can understand every word.

nancy closes the door behind her, and robin‘s eyes snap upwards, noticing her for the first time. nancy gives a little wave, feeling bad about intruding.

robin stops clicking her nails together, sliding the headphones off and resting them around her neck. she quietly greets nancy, telling her to come sit. she‘s reluctant, nancy notices. almost like her whole body adjusted and got more stiff once she saw nancy.

sitting down next to robin, she confronts her head on, in a soft voice, worried about overstepping. it seems like robins struggling to get her words out, brain too occupied to put her thoughts into sentences, she tells nancy.

nancy encourages her to go back to her music. tells her it‘s fine, she can go. robin seems upset about seemingly having to tell the truth, but she nods. nancy smiles understandingly at her, leaving the room.

she gets caught up talking to robin‘s parents, they complain about robin always having phases like this and that they don‘t understand why she doesn‘t just snap out of it. why she can‘t just be normal. nancy resists the urge to punch them in the face.

about half an hour later robin calls downstairs. when nancy walks back into her room, she says she heard her downstairs talking to her parents - that she could try to explain now.

nancy sees her trying to restrain herself from moving again. she tells her it‘s okay, sits opposite from her on the floor. asks her if she can try something that she used to do with mike, gently takes her hands, and starts rocking them back and forth together. it makes robin‘s face light up. nancy thinks she’ll keep rocking back and forth forever if it makes robin this happy.

then robin explains. she says it sounds dumb, but that it all got too much. the whole vecna thing, people getting injured. nancy interrupts, tells her it‘s not dumb, that they all were exhausted after everything.

but robin continues, explains that that wasn‘t all of it. she says she also got overhelmed by all the change. no offense to nancy, but for example, her and eddie suddenly being so close to steve, in nancys case, again. the change in her and steves routines, nancy and eddie being included in almost everything now.

the way her whole daily routine got thrown off during the vecna time, and even afterwards, with the hospital visits and everything. and that she feels horrible about that disturbing her, when her friends were literally in the hospital, recovering from life threatening injuries.

it all only hit her a few days ago. she didn‘t really get what was going on at first, but that she‘s had phases like this before. that it feels like everything in her just shuts down, she can‘t interact with anyone anymore, she just wants to be alone. can‘t do anything but listen to music and watch her favorite movie over and over. and that she can‘t keep her body still. needs to release all the anxiety somehow.

nancy smiles softly, thanks her for telling her all of that. says she can‘t relate to it, but that she thinks it‘s a very plausible reaction to everything. that she knows some people have a harder time adjusting to change, mentions the many times she‘s seen mike reacting almost the same way.

robin smiles at that, a grateful expression on her face. she thanks nancy. says she‘s sorry for any misunderstanding she might‘ve caused. nancy tells her to never apologize about doing what her body needs her to do, asks if she can hug her. robin agrees, throwing her arms around nancy. they end up hugging for a while, nancy adjusting her grip so it‘s tight enough.

later, when steve and nancy catch each other up on what‘s going on with their friends, they both have almost the same exact stories to tell (of course, with robin and eddies permission). from now on, the other two know they can always reach out when they want someone with them during times like these, but that they also will never be judged if they retreat for a while.

[crip-wizard]

This is a vent post

I was sitting in french class, and the person behind me (a known "popular kid" and asshole) was chewing gum. Very loudly. And I, being the dirty little misophonic I am, asked them politely to stop, to which they ignored me.

So, I ask again, this time specifying that certain noises cause me physical pain because of my misophonia. So they do it LOUDER.

At this point I am ready to launch a full blown nuclear war upon this bitch. So I slam my headphones on and march out of the classroom.

Later, the French teacher (also one of two vice principals) comes outside and sits right up in my space. I am thoroughly in the depths of a meltdown and have gone into verbal shutdown.

This lady tells me to calm down and act reasonable. She knows I have misophonia and autism. I pull out my AAC (an app on my phone) and explain that the kid was purposefully triggering my misophonia and that my response was perfectly reasonable to the situation.

So, being the well trained cog in an oppressive system, decides that her physically disabled, unofficially (as it's quite pricey, but it is on my file) diagnosed Autistic student, is faking it for attention. The Vice principal takes my phone (and AAC app by proxy of being on my phone, and therefore taking my current only form of accessible communication [can't just write it cuz dysgraphia] so I cannot communicate my needs.) And gives me a detention for "making a scene".

[littlelillycatsworld]

it's so loud would it be okay if I go and hide in a corner and rock back and forward for a bit and maybe eat like 5 strawberries

[clownrecess]

(Trigger warning for mentions of crying, overwhelm, dissociation, etc.)

Today I went to see the Mean Girls musical, and I loved it so so much, it made me feel very good. It was loud, and had some flashing lights, and bass, but it didnt bother me. I felt fine, and very happy throughout the whole three hour musical. Once it ended, I began to have an overwhelmed feeling, but it was mild.

The feeling increased the longer the time period after the musical had ended, and about 15 or so minutes later, when I arrived at a restaurant, it got extremely intense.

I began to feel so anxious and overwhelmed in this restraunt that I felt as if I was going to actually faint. I got super light headed, and I could barely move my body. I began heavily disassociating during certain times too.

The musical was much more stimulating than the restraunt, and yet I did fine at the musical and not at the restaurant.

I ended up crying after I left the restaurant.

I'm not entirely sure why it was this way. Was it because I was very excited, and love Mean Girls? Perhaps. Was it because I became used to the constant stimulation of the musical, and once it changed to a more calm one I couldn't adjust? Perhaps.

[juniper-in-peril]

Someone pour gasoline over me

I’ll light the match

I already feel like I’m on fire

[basilikum000]

Tired of people hearing my symptoms of autism and equating EVERYTHING to “NORMAL” people things. Like, NO CASSI, Losing your speech after a meltdown because it was too loud is not the same as you getting mad at a driver on the street and calming down after they leave!!!

I really hate when people do that shit!! It’s so annoying, dude. Like okay, You don’t think i have autism. BUT BY YOU demeaning every Symptoms if autism in The DSM-5, You Are probably demeaning a lot of other autistic people. People with higher AND lower Support Needs. IT’S A FUCKING SPECTRUM. IT’S NOT LINEAR. Do. Not. Make it. Linear.

-Jordyn (he/Yip)

[nerve0-0damage]

Why have I been having a constant meltdown recently?? Ik I'm burnt out and all but this is just fucking ridiculous. I can go a few days without headphones and my mum moving my towel isn't the worst thing in the world. I need to fucking get over it because other people have MUCH worse problems.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Communication Cards for meltdowns and Shutdowns

Lil Penguin Studios/Autism Happy Place

Lil Penguin Studios

Autism

[theamphibianmen]

Friendly reminder that support needs can fluctuate. Just because someone was able to do something just fine yesterday doesn't mean they re able to do it well (or at all) today.

This can apply to everything from walking to speaking* to typing in grammatically correct sentences.

Just because someone didn't need that much help before doesn't mean they don't need help now.

Suddenly not being able to use a skill you ve relied on for years is fucking terrifying and having people assume you're lying about an experience like that is awful.

Fakeclaiming hel ps absolutely no one and honestly isn't t worth the risk. At best, you stop one person from fakeing a disability (which by the way can be a sign of another underlying issue). At worst, you hurt a person during one of the most vulnerable times of their life, who may have been looking for advice on how to figure out what is happening to them.

They already feel alone and scared. They might already wonder if what they going through is real. YOU ARE NOT HELPING BY DIGGING THROUGH THERE POST HISTORY.

*please note I am NOT advocate for the use of the term nonverbal to refer to temporary speech loss. I AM saying that that speech loss, no matter how long it last, is a very real struggle. It s not the same as being nonverbal, but it still sucks ass.

[wiltdr0s3s]

subjective comfort

i'm having a shutdown folks! the only reason i know it is because I'm currently rewatching Lain and Paranoia Agent.

i always go back to these pieces of media though. theyre not.. dire per say but it tends to fit exactly what my mental state is when I go into a shutdown. i blindly walk around and trust my feet to not lead me off a cliff.

i wish it wasn't so hard to have my mind here all the time, or at least get the comfort i need to not rely on media like this but whatevez

this is the only song ive been listening to for the past hour. all my autism empathy melts when i go into this state and i get so pissy its fucking weird bro. i do not like being mean. regardless when i shutdown i go back onto my weirdest fucking interests, media that is all about questioning why we're here and who we are and what's our true place in the universe as a whole. during a breakdown, shows that are geared towards young children help me quite a bit but with a shutdown i just want to curl up and be mindless. idk theres so much. idk why im even posting right now its 5am and im on an autism high and need to sleep

who even am i bro im just here, no gender, no bitches, sitting in my messy room and watching things that make me happy. maybe i dont need a reason for existing atm

NVM IM NOT DONE early 2000's anime in general really help when im like this even though most of the ones i like came out my fucking birth year

[imissmyhealthymind]

Also all of those links are completely useless when you are close with someone who has BIG mental Illness...

Like I'm lucky af that I can just ask my girlfriend about her stuff, cause lemme tell ya google did fuck all to help me, except tell me how scared I should be of her.

The same thing goes for googling my autism shit, like the meltdowns/shutdowns and severe overstim.

Because I'm an adult and late diagnosed, there's barely anything online to help my mom, cause it's all either demonizing (autistic people are messed up and should be in facilities and theres nothing you can do, and also you should't help to avoid situations that cause aggression cause your kid is a retard anyway..) or it's infantilizing shit geared for toddlers... So we're basically just winging it...

resources when your symptoms aren't cutesy and quirky <33