#tw autistic meltdown

[clownrecess]

(Tw for discussions and descriptions of meltdowns, panic attacks, and self injury)

"Well why is it okay when you listen to music full volume with headphones, but it bothers you when my radio is loud?"

Because they are two different things. My music is the same music I've been listening to for years non stop (fully serious. I listen to music at all times. At school? Music. Drawing? Music. Sleeping? Music. Peeing? Music.). They are sounds I am used to. Sounds that my brain and body are VERY familiar with, along with that, they are sounds that make my body and brain feel good. Listening to them at a loud volume makes me feel good and stimmy. It makes my body feel calm and happy.

Even music that I LIKE hurts my body at a loud volume if I'm unfamiliar with it. I need to listen to it quietly for a long time first.

Once I know it super well, I can BLAST it, and it makes me feel good!

But if it's a song or audio I don't like, it hurts me no matter what. It causes my body physical pain if it plays long enough. Once I become familiar with it, it still hurts, only a little less. But if its loud? No, it's still horrendous pain that has made me have meltdowns and panic attacks.

Whilst yes, I don't like listening to music tastes that aren't my own because I just don't find it enjoyable, it is more than that for me. I am not being bratty or overreacting. Unfamiliar or unpleasant songs at a loud volume (and even a quieter volume if I'm already feeling unwell) cause me PHYSICAL PAIN.

I can't explain it any other way.

A lot of allistics I've spoken to about this don't understand how I can easily blast my music on FULL VOLUME in HEADPHONES for hours on end, but begin to hyperventilate and hit or bite myself if a cars volume is just barely too loud with a genre I don't like or am unfamiliar with.

It isn't that I'm just displaying my usual pain reaction when it plays so I can get you to stop. Its just that some music makes my body feel good inside, and some makes my body feel like it's being actually attacked.

[socially-anxious-wizard]

Old Yaomomo sketches. Autistic stuff.

[kitcatcourt]

I don't think you guys understand. SHE IS AUTISTIC!!! SHE HAS AUTISTIC MELTDOWN!!! HERE!!!

Btw, if people want me to gather even more autistic Courtney TDR clips, I WILL. Also, you obviously don't have to headcanon her as autistic. You do you!

[gaybae1021]

Hey, heads up this is a heavy comic. I think I’ve tagged everything I need to but if you think I missed a tag let me know. The darker themes are implied, but if you’re uncomfortable with anything in the tags feel free to scroll on.

Uh oh, heat wave in Phoenix Drop. You know what that means? Summer outfits! And you know what that means? New scar reveals! And you know what that means? Unpacking childhood trauma!

Panels fused version:

[partiallypearl]

happy birthday, baby. i wonder if you hate me? 'cause i love you more than the moon and the stars

[honeyed-latte]

Headcanon time again:

Tw Autistic Meltdown described

The worst meltdown Hiccup ever had was the day they left The Edge for good. It was a massive change and he was giving up a chunk of freedom and individuality to go back to his social and familial responsibilities. He hated it.

Nonverbal, crying, hyperventilating, pacing for hours until his leg is chaffed and bleeding, then it devolved into pained whimpering and rocking in place, clawing at his hair and his thighs.

He ended up maiming his legs with his jagged nails before Toothless was able to warble and gentle Hiccup into sitting in his wings. Even then he kept whimpering and rocking.

He still has a few pale white scars on his legs from that day.

[venting-town]

I was so fucking autistic/adhd as a kid

Yet nobody understood/cared. They just wanted me to behave/act like a “ normal “ person

Bitch, YOU ALL were the ones who “ weren’t normal “

What with forcing me to eat foods I didn’t like ( or be like the fat fucktard Beau and force me to stay in the kitchen for hours (( even all day )) until I finally caved and ate the food he made, or until I hid the food and lied to his face and told the fucking stupid-ass bitch that I ate it )

Making fun of things I was interested in

Making fun of my meltdowns

Blaming me for getting treated badly by adults

Taking away comfort objects

Making fun of me for taking things literally

Calling me names/mocking me for “ being stupid “/not understanding what they’d say

Forcing me into doing social shit when I didn’t want nor need to be in

Among HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of other things

[peachesnabsinthe]

After brutally ending some friendships (after 10 years), they finally showed their true colors when I got a text yesterday with one of them trying to gaslight me. Literally trying to pull the "you never told me how you felt" when I have had soul-crushing, heart-to-heart moments with these people.

And my severely traumatized ass actually DID call them back. And I don't think they will ever contact me again. I basically ripped them a new asshole. And I also blocked both of their numbers. It's awful to hear someone's voice and realize that they sound like a stranger to you, and also a bit pathetic. I've spent 29 years of my life trying to fit into other people's molds of how they want me to behave, how they want me to respond, how they want me to react to things. The majority of these "people" that I'm talking about are my own loved-ones.

The worse part is that I am basically bed-bound today because I'm now so physically sick. My fight-or-flight response is so FUCKED now, and since around 2pm yesterday I keep having panic attacks. My ARFID issues have been especially difficult the past couple months so I physically don't have much energy from not being able to eat as much as I should. All of this, because of repressed anger (and you know, from someone telling me how I should process my own fucking trauma THAT THEY CONTRIBUTED TO).

One of the things nobody tells you about demasking is that you have to get passed not wanting to be the "bad guy". Narcissists and Groomers LOVE folks like me, because my brain isn't wired to pick up on their shit a lot of times. But not anymore. You know why?

Because I'm fucking "mean" now. I'm "confrontational" now. When I notice something "off" now, I say it. I have a bad habit of ghosting people, but it's because a lot of times, people really can't handle the truth. But honestly, SAY IT ANYWAY. Don't care about their feelings anymore.

I'm not mean. I'm taking no shit, and not letting people cross my boundaries. And you should too. And if anyone ever makes you feel bad about it. FUCK THEM. Because you ensuring your own SAFETY and HAPPINESS is priority.

[stardustlixie]

so glad the neurodivergent community is getting more representation, this one hit home. so realistically written, i teared up, the way the breakdown was written felt too real.

thank your for writing this! <3

Meltdown

Boyfriend!Bang Chan x Autistic!Fem!Reader

❗Genre: Angst

❗Warnings: Heavy themes of autistic meltdown, Very detailed explanation of a meltdown, Heavy themes of Anxiety?, self-harm (no blood), Mentions of not being able to breathe, Chris is an asshole but not for long. Again, this is very detailed. + Bang Chan is referred to as Chris.

❗A/N: I'm very nervous to post this, but I want to put out content for neurodivergent community. As an autistic individual, I rarely see content with an autistic reader. It may exist, but I've never really come across it. So, here I am. This work is purely based on my experience with autism and is based on my own meltdowns. This is not meant to reflect how every person with autism has meltdowns. I hope that you enjoy!

✨️Masterlist✨️

“You always do this, you always do the same shit and then try to play it off as an accident. How many times are you going to make the same mistake?” Chris yelled in your direction, putting air quotes around the last word of his sentence. You let out a shaky breath, trying your best to keep yourself stable.

“It is a mistake and I thought that I was doing a good job at avoiding it, I don’t perceive any of my behavior tonight as suggestive. I thought that I was being friendly.” Your speech is steady and smooth, a calculated response designed in your head to avoid conflict. That was your goal, avoiding conflict, but it seems that Chris’ temper has other plans tonight.

“Friendly? Are you fucking kidding me? You were practically saying your vows with all the compliments you were dishing out tonight. Laughing at every single word that your so-called friend said. I’m surprised you weren’t sitting in his fucking lap with the way your conversation was going.” Your eyes dart around the room before landing on the bright numbers of the digital clock to your right. You focus your eyes on the bright outline, trying your best to keep yourself calm.

“Chris, I really didn’t mean -” You’re cut off by his yelling, the sudden sound making you jump a bit, shifting your focus. 

“I don’t want to hear that fucking excuse. You didn’t mean it? Yeah, sure, you always say that. And why the fuck do you let him call you all of those names? Honey, sweetheart, and anything else that slips off of his tongue, right?” He moves from his spot across from you, circling the couch and stalking towards where you're sitting quickly, only stopping when there’s about a foot between you. “Are you fucking him or something? Do the two of you have history? Because I can’t think of another reason for you to be so goddamn disrespectful.”

“Wha- no, I- I never did anything with him.” Your eyes dart up to his face but your gaze quickly falls, you blink a couple of times trying your best to hold back your tears. “I thought.. I thought I was being friendly I was watching -” 

“Why are you trying to play innocent?” He squats down in front of you, his piercing gaze trying to find yours. Tears start to run down your cheeks and you start to rock your body back and forth. You wipe your tears away with open hands before starting to pick at your nails. “Look at me. If you’re not lying then look at me.”

“Chris I- I can’t right now. I’m r-really overwhelmed, I’m sorry.” He sucks his teeth at you, leaning closer into your space. “Please.. Back up.”

“Look at me.” He hisses and you can feel the tingling in your hands and feet starting as your thoughts start to spiral out of control. “Do you really think that you were just being friendly? Tell me, I’m fucking listening.”

His tone picks up towards the completion of his sentence, ending in a shout. You jump again, crossing your arms over your chest in an attempt to comfort yourself. The thoughts in your head get louder as the seconds go by and you start to lose the ability to understand them. Every time that you try to pin point one of them it gets pulled away from you. You start to bounce your leg, fast and harsh. The bouncing of your leg paired with the rocking of your upper body seemed to have caught Chris’ attention. The real Chris, not the one that was standing in front of you seconds ago allowing his jealousy to spiral out of control in a fit of anger.

“Hey..hey” He lowers himself onto his knees, his eyes that were angry seconds ago now glazed with worry. “I’m.. I’m sorry I lost it, I know I shouldn’t have, I just..”

He reaches his hand out to touch you, a soft attempt at comforting you but it was the last thing that he should’ve done. You jump at the contact, a small whine falling from your lips. He moves his hand quickly, muttering a small apology. You bring your hands up to cover your ears, attempting to shut out the heavy buzzing of your thoughts. You start to rock your body quicker as you lean forward, shrinking into yourself. 

“Fuck.” Chris hisses under his breath, his hands helplessly resting on his lap. He knows that you didn’t mean it, he knows that you have trouble interacting with your friends due to your autism. And he knew better than anyone what could happen when you got overwhelmed. He could usually see it coming and nurse you back to a more stable headspace but this time he couldn’t. This time it was him that caused the meltdown, the fault was at his feet and there was nothing he could do to fix it. All he could do was wait and watch as you went through the motions. 

It was the screaming that pulled him out of his thoughts. The piercing sound of you wailing, the verbal expression of the pain you felt as you tried your best to understand what was happening in your head. His eyes fixed on you immediately, he took you in slowly, maybe too slow. Your hands were laced in your hair pulling harshly at the roots as you sobbed, you were mumbling something through your sobbing. At first he couldn’t understand but eventually he caught on and his heart shattered in his chest as he reached for your hands in an attempt to loosen your grip on your hair. 

“Stop making mistakes, stop making mistakes, stop making mistakes.” You mumbled as your tears fell. Your grip on your hair tightened just as Chris made contact with you, he tried desperately to gently pry your fingers from your curls. 

“Baby, you can’t do that.” He nearly whispered, his voice was easily drowned out by your screams as you tried to get as far away from his touch as possible. “Baby, please.”

“Stop making mistakes, Stop making mistakes.” Once Chris was able to loosen your grip you balled your hands into fists. Your body tensed and your breath caught in your chest. Chris watched you with wide eyes, he slowly tried to move a bit closer to you, preparing himself to stop you from hurting yourself if needed. 

“You have to breathe.” The panic in his tone was evident, you could hear it but you couldn’t react. There was too much going on, too much to process. “ Babygirl, please please breathe.” 

You bang your fists against your thighs, trying to get your brain to slow down, trying to coordinate breathing with thinking, moving, anything. Why couldn’t you breathe? Why couldn’t you just stop holding your breath? Why? The more you thought about it the more frustrated you got. You could feel a burning in your chest as you looked up at Chris, eyes wide with panic. 

“Babygirl, look, follow me. Do what I do, yeah?” His voice is soft yet strong as he tries to mollify the panic rising in his chest. He attempts to instruct you, using his hands to guide you into making your chest rise and fall as it should. You watch his hands, trying to concentrate, Trying to ignore the ringing in your ears and the harsh buzzing of your thoughts. The longer you focus on the movements of his hand the more that you can feel your chest start to move. You take in a sudden breath, gasping a bit and choking for a second. You follow with another quick breath, gasping again and the pattern continues until the burning subsides and an intense dizziness hits you. 

“You did it, you did so well, baby.” Chris whispers, his eyes wide and glossy. “You got it.”

Your body starts to relax a bit as you work to regulate your breathing. You slowly unclench your fist, resting your hands in your lap and scratching at the fabric of your jeans. Your movements start to slow and you sit up straight gradually, every move hurts a bit, the aching in your muscles already starting to set in. Your crying continues as you pant softly, you mumble the same statement to yourself a couple of times before you direct your words towards Chris.

“I’m s-sorry. I thought I-I was doing it right I t-thought…” Your sentence trails off into a pained sob as you bring your hands up to cover your eyes. The guilt of your reaction came flooding through instantly. First you make your boyfriend mad and then you have a fucking meltdown about it? You just can’t win, huh.

“Please don’t apologize, I should be the one apologizing. I should be begging for forgiveness right now. I had no right to get that angry, I was jealous and it was stupid. I was insecure, I’ve been insecure about you hanging out with him for months and I let all of that pent up emotion out and I hurt you. I’m so so sorry, I understand if you don’t forgive me, I wouldn’t either. I know that you struggle and I still fucked everything up.” He moved a bit closer to you, a mere inch separating the two of you. 

You shook your head acknowledging that you could hear him. Your brain was slowing down just a bit and you didn’t want to add anything to the whirlwind to disrupt it. 

“I’ll get your meltdown kit, and I’ll pick out your safe clothes. You need to take a hot shower to try and soothe your muscles… you’re going to be sore in the morning, okay?” You shake your head, glancing up at Chris for just a second before you close your eyes and take a deep breath. Your chest feels tight but you try not to let it bother you. The aftermath of a meltdown was something that you’ve grown used to after all. 

“Please believe me when I say that none of this was your fault. I’m so so fucking sorry, this will never happen again…ever.” He nearly whispers the last word before he stands from his position in front of you, rushing off to get your meltdown kit equipped with sensory aids of all types along with a pair of noise canceling headphones and a pair of tinted glasses in case the light is too much for you to take in. 

You keep your eyes closed as you wait for him to return, the pitter patter of his feet across the hardwood is louder than usual as he makes his way back over to you. He leaves you with the kit before rushing to start your shower and pick out your clothes. You always tell him that after you have a meltdown you just want to be left alone, you need space to come down completely. He watches from afar as you put on the headphones and open your favorite calming candle to smell. He makes sure to stay just far enough for you to have your space but close enough to be there if you need him. Once you go to the bathroom for your shower he sits outside of the door, listening for any signs of a follow up meltdown. He takes a deep breath and before he can stop it a tear falls, trailing down his cheek and leaving a path for the rest to follow. He squeezes his eyes shut as it all replays in his head. He yelled at you, he caused your meltdown, you could’ve passed out or ended up more hurt than you already are. God forbid you had a shutdown, he’d never be able to live with himself if he caused that but he could honestly barely stand himself now. He took out his phone, typing a text to Minho, hoping for someone to help calm him down before he sees you again. He’ll only allow himself to fall apart behind the scenes, he doesn’t want to add to your distress any more than he already has. A couple seconds go by after he’s sent the text before his phone is vibrating in his hands. He swipes the green button and brings his phone up to his ear. He takes in a shaky breath before he lets the words leave his lips.

“I fucked up…”

[chai-sweets]

I think my new approach to my mental health shenanigans is to just assume I have autism along with my already diagnosed adhd. I get really upset sometimes and now that I’ve been reading about autistic shutdowns/internalized meltdowns, and external meltdowns, it’s possible that those are what i’ve been experiencing. TW mentions of minor self harm under the cut

Yesterday was probably my worst one, I actually hit myself and my pillows and yelled. They’re not super common, but when they’ve happened before I never yelled because I couldn’t or I would get in trouble (which I think would be relatively normal if I was yelling curses). I’ve hit myself on the head a couple times before but never as much as I did yesterday, and also my legs. The past “events” have been mostly sobbing and silent screaming into my pillow- or freezing up completely. I’ve only gone completely nonverbal twice to my memory.

Internally, they’ve felt like I was at war with myself in my head. I yelled at myself and cried and begged myself to stop being mean to myself, and then yelled at myself more. My thoughts have raced uncontrollably to the point where I wanted them to just stop completely but I can’t get them to stop and it has always been very stressful and frustrating. It feels like the world is ending. I always thought these were panic attacks.

Anyway, my final thought is that regardless of whether I am actually adhd + autistic, or just adhd + anxiety, I’m going to try using the (healthy) coping skills that go along with meltdowns to see if that helps. If I feel one coming on (I read this is called “rumble stage”), I will get myself into a more quiet environment and probably under my weighted blanket, as I’ve historically curled up under my normal blanket in bed. I also would like to get a toy or something I can hit and a toy I can break apart methodically, as I have torn apart light cardboard-think of cereal boxes- to calm myself down before.

My triggers have been mostly changes to my “routine” or abnormal events, or uncomfortable feelings all day. I have PMDD so I get very uncomfortable physical symptoms during certain days of my cycle, and a day of unshakable discomfort doesn’t help.

[clownrecess]

(tw for talk of autistic meltdowns and shutdowns)

I want to talk about autistic shutdowns and meltdowns Everybody experiences them differently so please be aware that I am only writing this from my personal experiences.

When I have shutdowns, I begin to have an extremely difficult time moving any part of my body. I become very stiff, and "locked in". My facial muscles tend to stiffen a bit, and I'm not quite sure what this looks like, but I know I can feel the muscles near the front of my eyebrows get tight and I can not relax them.

During shutdowns, because I can not move my body very well (Like it's close to nothing, my movement is severely limited during these times), I can not use my AAC device properly. If I tried, I would probably be only to press something like "I bad", and even that would be very difficult. This is not only frustrating, but very overwhelming for me, because when I have shutdowns I have a ton of thoughts all at once. When I have this many thoughts at once, I need a way to release them. But I can't. This is different from a meltdown, because in a meltdown I have very few thoughts, and the thoughts I do have are usually just very distressed thoughts of "Stop it. Stop it. I need to leave. No." but with a lot of cursing. In meltdowns, my body movement is not restricted, more so impaired, because my body will move a lot, it just won't do what I want it to do. Due to this I tend to run away from everything and everyone (when I really just want to leave the sitiation), violently stim such as hitting or biting myself (when I just want to express that I feel bad), yell or scream (when I just want to try and self regulate but my body WON'T stim helpfully), intense crying, and more things.

There is a similarity between shutdowns and meltdowns though, despite them both being very different. In both scenarios, my ability to communicate is super limited. If I am having a meltdown, I might hit my device, throw my device away from me, or hit myself with my device. If I am having a shutdown, my body literally just can not move enough to use it.

During my last shutdown I was able to write a short message in my phones notes app, to try and communicate my thoughts to my mother. What I was trying to say or explain was that I was feeling nervous at that time, because I was dressed interestingly (let's be honest lol. I was dressed EXTREMELY emo, and I was in a place full of rich looking probably cishet people who kept looking at me weirdly before the shutdown even started) and I thought that the people around me would think that because I was already dressed different, and was now acting different, that I was being attention seeking. What I ended up writing was "All Think I attention whore". (also I want to note that my clothes or how I present was not at all related to the shutdown. I was just extremely overwhelmed.)

[thatkoiboi]

//WARNING: meltdown, dissociation, spiraling//

I'm proud of you and all your accomplishments! Everything will be okay <3

[autiebiographical]

When I escape into my phone it's common to be judged as someone who's obsessed with social media and perpetually online.

It's just so I can have a short reprieve from everything that's overwhelming me. Please let me take care of myself.

[the-entity-down-the-street]

shoutout to the cunt in 11th grade who, in response to me having what in hindsight was obviously an autistic meltdown wherein I bashed my head against my desk in front of everyone, said "you're too old to be acting like this"

the influence that your high school english teacher has on your psyche

[theautisticfroglord]

anyways parents who record/post their autistic child having a meltdown are awful people :)

[beep-beep-robin]

quinni gallagher-jones + common autism traits

had to make gifs of her again, and felt the need to make a list (does anyone get that feeling?) - so, i combined both and more gifs are incoming soon-ish <3