poorlywrote

[poorlywrote]

To my first real heartbreak,

Sure it hurt me when I realized I never had a future with my first crush, but deep down I knew it would always be just a crush. Sure it hurt me when my first boyfriend pretended to do ~something stupid~ to himself, but that was a different type of hurt. I don’t even know where to start. Each and everyday I think about you. All my music reminds me of you. I deleted your number. I deleted all your pictures (although I broke down over the last one). I can’t stop reading our old conversations. I keep looking at the “pending friend request” button on Snapchat. I have so many questions I want to ask you. It hurts me that I have no way of talking to you, but I think I would have a mental breakdown if I ever talked to you. I missed school today because I’m just too sad. I wanted so badly to be with you. Do you still have the origami elephant you made for me? Do you still have the stuffed animal? Do you think about me? Do you miss me? Do you regret ever being together? Do you hate me? I tried desperately to keep you and it all backfired. My paranoia and annoying-ness got worse and worse after every breakup. I was so scared of losing you. I can’t stop thinking about you. Am I pathetic? Have you already moved on? I can’t get your laugh out of my head, you know. I can’t get the way you said my name out of my head. God I miss your voice. There will always been a scar on my heart from you. From them. Do you still want to beat up the ones that hurt me? You really hurt me... a couple times. I hope you have an amazing life, but I’ll always think of what we could have had. Of what our future would’ve been like. The life we always talked about. I won’t be able to get your snore out of my head or the way you said “I love you” in a stupid fake country accent. I won’t forget the way you made fun of my spelling errors or the dumb things you did that scared me (like spraying that liquid air stuff in your mouth because you didn’t know it was poisonous and had to go to the hospital or when you passed out walking home from school) I won’t forget the way you called me babe or the time you sang for me. I won’t forget when you taped your phone to the ceiling or when you got me to fit 12 tomatoes in my mouth. I’ll always celebrate your birthday and what would’ve been our anniversary. It takes a lot for me to get over someone, and it’ll take a lot for me to get over you. I have a billion memories of you that I can’t forget. I still can’t delete the screenshots of our funny conversations. I can’t forget anything about you and I’m sorry. I’m trying. For you.

[poorlywrote]

To my first boyfriend,

You made me into the person I am. You did horrible things to me and screwed me up. You made me learn to be weary of older guys even though you were only a year and a half older than me. You took advantage of my innocent and forgiving mind for your own messed up games. It has taken me some years, but I’ve forgiven you for what you did to me. The way you deliberately hurt me again and again and trapped me in a relationship I never wanted to be in out of fear for your own life. You made me a prisoner in my own head and convinced me I loved it; convinced me I loved you. I didn’t love you I was scared. You’re out of my life for good and I never plan on letting you back in. Yet, I still find it in my heart to forgive you. After all, you were a naïve kid too. I hope you’re doing well and treating your partners better than you treated me. I hope I was a lesson for you. Learn from your mistakes. I learned from mine.

[poorlywrote]

To my first love,

I will never forget the first moment I saw you. Second grade. I was so innocent back then. That crush would turn into one of the best friendships I’ve ever had. I’m thankful for all that you have done for me. I don’t know when I decided that I loved you, but I do remember the first time I said it out loud. It was to no one but the wind. I was go karting with my friends in fifth grade and I screamed “I’m in love with ____!” The sound of my confession was drowned out by the sound of revved engines and laughter. I will never forget the way your body felt against mine, or how your rough hands fit against mine, or the times you beat people up to protect me. We were young, dumb, and innocent. Sometimes I wish we still had that. You never forget the first time you look into someone’s eyes at two am and just see the perfect tired mess they become. Thank you for being my best friend throughout everything. Everything I did to push you away did nothing to stop you from staying. I’m so luck to have a best friend as goofy and stupid and ridiculous as you.

[poorlywrote]

“Where am I,” I think to myself. I’m lying on the ground, so I get up and dust myself off. “Jacob Carter. Ready for your first day,” I hear a demonic voice say. I remember where I am. Hell. I somehow died, leaving my friends, family, and most importantly, my girlfriend Kelsey. I nod my head to answer the voice. My “first day” refers to my first day of punishment. Since this is hell, they give everyone here a personal punishment to make sure it hurts. Mine is to watch my girlfriend as a spirit. I can see her and watch over her, but she can’t see or hear me. Everything disintegrates around me and turns into a small, plain bedroom. I would recognize my girl anywhere. Kelsey is sitting on a teal and white chevron twin sized bed. I smile to myself, “Damn I love her,” I say out loud because she can’t hear me. Although, even if she could, I would still say that. She’s on her phone, but soon throws it down on the bed. I walk over to see she’s trying to text me. She has been for for the past week it seems like. I immediately start to feel horrible. I look to her and see she’s silently crying. She picks up the phone again and texts some more. I sit next to her so I can see her phone. She’s texting her two best friends. “Guys, he’s not texting back. I’m getting worried,” she sends to a group chat named “besties” After a minute of her just staring at the text she just sent, her friend Emily replies. “Good, he’s not good enough for you anyway” Kelsey rolls her eyes then replies, “whatever I love him.” I smile at her, then I remember she can’t see me. After some time, an older boy walks into her room; I assume he’s her older brother. “Hey loser, it’s time for supper,” the boy says in a deep voice. “Fine,” she just replies as she turns off her phone and walks out. Part 2 After a couple minutes, Kelsey comes back into her room with a plate. I sit on her bed and notices what she has; a little bit of macaroni, some carrots, and a pork chop. She looks to her doorway and quickly shoves the plate under her bed. She stands up and sits down on her bed. I don’t understand why she put it under her bed, so I get off her bed and look under it incase there was a person or an animal or something under there. All I see is her plate. She stands up and walks out and I lay down on her bed. When she comes back, I see she has a bottle of water with her. She sits back down on her bed, sitting on my hand. I instinctively yelp and pull my hand up, but then I realize that I’m a ghost and that didn’t even hurt me. I laugh at myself for a minute because of how stupid I am. I look to her, she’s just staring at her phone screen. It’s not even turned on. At first I’m confused, until her phone lights up. I see a twinkle of excitement in her eyes as she sits up straight and smiles a huge smile. The smile quickly fades as she slouches back down. Her eyes become misty. “It’s just Will,” she mumbles to herself. She turns on her phone and goes to her texts with me. “Hey… please answer me,” she sends without thinking. She sends text after text. The more texts she sends, the more guilt fills me. Until, I break down sobbing. “Kelsey, please, I’m right here. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to die.” She starts to cry. “No! Baby don’t cry! Don’t cry… I made you cry. I’m a monster. Kelsey, I’m so sorry…” I watch the tears fall from her face onto her phone. “I did this didn’t I… I chased him away. I’m such an idiot,” Kelsey yells as nothing. She continues to cry until she gets out of bed and runs into the bathroom. Chapter 3 I wait almost fifteen minutes outside her bathroom because it would be weird if I walked in with her peeing or something. After a while, I poke my head in to make sure she’s okay. I look to find her crying on the edge of her bathtub. I walk through the wall and sit next to her. She grabs her phone and dials my number. It goes to voicemail. “It’s Kelsey. Where she hell have you been? Call me back as soon as possible, you’re worrying me. I love you so much. Bye.” She hangs up and continues to cry. After a couple of minutes, she stands up and looks at herself in the mirror. “He probably hates me. He probably sees me calling and laughs at me. I’m such a dumbass. Why would someone like him love someone like me. I’m ugly and fat and pathetic. I was probably just some charity case. He must’ve found a prettier and smarter girl to replace me, although it isn’t hard to find someone like that.” She glares at herself until she breaks down. “But he promised! He promised we’d get married, he promised he loved me, he promised he would always be there for me,” she falls to the ground sobbing. “He promised!” I just stand there. I did this to her. I stand there wishing I could hold her and tell her everything was alright. I stand there hoping she will finally see me. I stand there counting the seconds as they go by because if I don’t distract myself with anything, I will start crying and will never be able to stop. I did promise her. I promised her everything and anything. I lived to see her happy. I loved her smile and her dimples. I love everything about her, and it hurts me to see her cry. It was my fault I died. It was suicide. I remember standing on the ledge of the roof of an abandoned parking garage. I was going to jump, until I felt my phone buzz and I saw it was from Kelsey. “Hey, I know this is random. But I just wanted to remind you that I’m in love with you and I hope you’re having a good day. Bye babe.” It made time stop and I remembered my promises to her. I was about to step down and go straight to her house to hug her, but a huge gust of wind came out of nowhere. I lost my balance and fell to my death. Now I’m here. If I hadn’t been so dumb as to climb up there, I wouldn’t be dead. She wouldn’t be crying. I hate myself. What kind of boyfriend lets his girlfriend cry like this? I’m going to fulfill my promises to her. I have to. I will find a way. No matter what I have to do. Chapter 4 After almost an hour of listening to Kelsey sob, she stands up and looks at herself in the mirror again. She carefully wipes the tears from her cheeks then takes toilet paper and dabs it around her eyes. She pinches her eyelashes to get rid of the tears from them then attempts to spread them because they were stuck together from so much crying. She then pinches her cheeks until they’re pink then tries to fake a smile. You can still tell that she is sad if you look at her just a little too long. While her smile may look happy, her green eyes show too much emotion and you can clearly see the heartbeat in them if you look close enough. Her eyes also turn a brighter shade of green when she cries. Odd, but beautiful. She quickly walks out of the bathroom and goes to her kitchen to get a water. I guess crying that much would make you dehydrated. “Kelsey,” I hear a deep voice yell from the back of her small apartment. Kelsey sighs, “what do you want, Chris,” she yells back. Chris is her older brother. He’s four years older than Kelsey, making him twenty-two. “Get me a brownie,” he shouts. “Lazy ass brother,” Kelsey mumbles to herself as she gets the brownie and brings it to her brother. “Where’s mom and dad,” he asks instead of thanking her. “Dad’s at work and mom when to bring Shane to his friends house.” Shane is her younger brother. He’s thirteen, five years younger than Kelsey. “Cool,” is all her brother responds with as he nods to the door, hinting her to leave. “When are you going back to University,” She asks, ignoring his request for her to leave. “Two weeks.” “Cool,” and with that, she walks back into her room. She sits on her bed and just stares up at the ceiling for a few hours. I wonder what she’s thinking. Eventually, her parents and younger brother get home. She ignores them and just lays in bed. After almost three hours of her just laying there, she snaps out of it and checks her phone. It’s 11:36 p.m. “Shit! I have school tomorrow!” She grabs some shorts and an oversized shirt out of her closet and goes to the bathroom. I don’t go in this time because she’s probably changing. After a couple of minutes, she walks out in the clothes she brought in and her hair is in a messy bun. She turns off the light in her room and gets under her covers. She puts her phone on “do not disturb” and sets it down on a table next to her bed then turns on her side. I hear her quiet sobs. I turn away because it’s all I can do. I sit in the corner of her room listening to her crying. After five minutes or so, she stops so I assume she’s asleep. All of a sudden her room dissolves around me and I’m back in hell. “Here’s what’s about to happen, you get to be in her dreams. In those, she can see you. However, we can easily take this privilege away from you if you mention anything about her dreaming, anything about hell, anything about your death, and/or anything about what you’ve seen her go through, understand,” a demonic voice says to me. “Fine.” At least she can see me. A contract appears in front of me. I read it and it just says the same thing the voice had just told me. A black pen appeared in my hand so I sign the contact. Everything dissolves around me again and I’m at a zoo.

[poorlywrote]

"Listen to me," she said, tears starting to swell, "you did this to me! You helped me get better. All I am is because you were there! You can't just throw me away. You just fixed me!" He looked off into the distance for a minute, then looked back to her. "You know this isn't my fault, none of this is my fault! You can't just think I'm tossing you out like trash; I have to move on with my life." "Move on from what? What is there to move on from? Why aren't you happy here, with me? Stay with me!" "Don't you get it? I can't bare to look at you anymore. I helped you with everything in me. I'm broken now that you're fixed and I can't stand to see what beauty is left. It hurt me to fix you. It's my turn." "I still need you! You're my happiness, my clear sky. You make me feel sane! I need you." "And I need to be okay! I can't be kept broken forever for the sake of you being comfortable. I need to be fixed! You can't fix me! I need to leave." "I needed you." "I need to be okay again" "Fine"

[poorlywrote]

Reasons why I love you: 1) I love how you let me eat all your fries when we go places, even when I say I’m not hungry. 2) I love when you let me customize everything for you in video games, no matter how much you hate my taste. 3) I love how close you are with my family. 4) I love that you challenge me and we make a game out of everything. 5) I love when you carry my bags in the halls and you don’t care what people think about it. 6) I love how you flip your hair when you get nervous. 7) I love how you laugh with your tongue sticking out your mouth just the slightest bit because you’re trying not to laugh. 8) I love how your face gets pink when you laugh and the crinkles by your eyes as well. 9) I love that you do anything I ask for. 10) I love that you trust me and tell me everything. 11) I love that you don’t mind how messed up I am. 12) I love that you don’t mind helping me. 13) I love when you try your hardest to include me in everything. 14) I love that you’re okay with anything that I want done to me. (Piercings, tattoos, and dyeing my hair.) 15) I love how you accept that I’m not just going to change because of a complaint, but I will change often because of what I want for myself. 16) I love how excited you get when I’m excited for something. 17) I love when you accidentally tell me that you were thinking about me. 19) I love that you get so concerned when I’m sad. 20) I love that you still let your older sister dress you up and do makeovers on you.

[poorlywrote]

“If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?”

I would go back to when we were young. I would take your compliments and be nicer to you. I wouldn’t break your pencils and I wouldn’t roll my eyes every time you tried to talk to me and I wouldn’t tell you to shut up when you tried to calm me down. Maybe if I was sweeter then, we would be something now. Maybe if I loved you then, you would love me now.

- a girl who was never taught to love

[poorlywrote]

When I look at you, I get such a strong urge to hug you, and to burry my face into your chest. Something about you just feels so safe. You feel like home. I think that’s what home feels like? I’ve never had a home. When I smell your scent, all my anxiousness fades and I’m filled with joy. No one could make me nearly as happy as you do. What’s sad, though, is that you don’t feel the same way. I must resist holding on to you. I can’t grab your hand and kiss your nose, I can’t tell you how much I love you as we take car rides around the city just because, I can’t be the first one you call at one in the morning when you can’t sleep and you just need to hear another human being before you loose it. I can’t show you how much I’m in love with you, and it hurts.

[poorlywrote]

I’ll protect you. I don’t care what it costs me. I’ll defend you. No matter who it is that is against you, my dear angel. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll drop everything to be there for you. I know what you’ve gone through and you deserve peace. I’ll do anything for you, but please promise me one thing; You will keep your head up. You’ve been marching through the bad for so long but I need you to keep your head up. It would only be worth it to know you’re trying to be happy. My heart would shatter if you gave up that smile that you give me when no ones around. I can tell between your fake smiles and your real ones. They shine so much brighter and your eyes sparkle. So, beautiful, keep your head up and I’ll keep protecting you.

[poorlywrote]

We went to the beach this week. I got sunburnt while you tanned. I wish I could tan like you. You tried your best to make sure I wouldn't burn to save me the pain, but it was bound to happen eventually. You apologized profusely but it's not your fault that I have the complexion of snow. You felt guilty so we didn't leave the condo for a few days until my sunburn wasn't so bad. I'm happy you cared for my skin, but I still feel terrible you wouldn't go surf because I know how excited you were to go surfing with your brother this week. Thank you for caring for me.

[poorlywrote]

We sit on the driveway as the mosquitoes attack our skin. I say that I don’t mind if you go inside, for I knew they were bothering you. You reply that you would rather stay with me. It has gotten quite dark. I stare up at the few stars in the sky as I feel your stare on me. The dark hides my blush and my smile. I’m always happy when you’re around. I love you.

[poorlywrote]

I would always ask you, “how long will you love me?” and you would always reply, “for as long as possible.” And I thought that was weird because I would always want you to say forever. Because in my delusional brain, I believed in a happy ever after; I wanted a forever love. When you said that, I always wondered what you meant, if you meant that you would love me until I got too annoying or too attached or too happy or something else. I waited a long time trying to figure out what you meant. Then, you hurt me. I realized what you had meant. You meant you would love me until I got too boring for you; until my love would repeat over and over. I told you I loved you everyday. I planned at least one date a week. On our anniversaries, I would always plan something extravagant. When you were sad, I would always do everything I could to make you smile. I didn’t understand why you left at first. I realized that guys like you would love a girl as long as they pleased, until there was no chase left, until you didn’t have to try even a little to keep her, because you knew how much I loved you, and that I would stay no matter what you did. But you left me.

[poorlywrote]

“What do you think of before you fall asleep,” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“Her,” he replies as his cheeks turn pink and looks to the ground.

I give him a smug smile, “Who would you protect even if it costed you your life?”

“Well… her.” he starts to squirm in his seat as I continue with my questions.

“Who have you made tons of deals with to make sure they wouldn’t cut?”

“Her.”

“Who do you want to make sure never falls back into an eating disorder?”

“Her,” he starts to shout “I get it, okay? You can stop. I’m tired of all your questions. You proved me wrong, is that what you want to hear? You were right. I fell in love with her. I want to make sure she’s happy, okay?”

I smile as he continues.

“No other girl is like her. She’s so different, and so complex. She has a story behind her eyes that you hardly get a glimpse of when you meet her. Her story is filled with heart breaks and broken promises. I want her to have a happy ending; she’s going to break soon, but I’m going to be there to piece her back together, and to make her smile. I just want her to be happy.”

I notice tears starting to swell up in his eyes. I hear a voice from behind me

“You should’ve told me then.”

He runs behind me. I turn to see him hugging another girl. I smile at how happy they are then stride off, feeling like I’m no longer welcome. I whisper “goodbye” as I get in my car and drive off.

[poorlywrote]

He looks around, only to see trees surrounding the campsite he’s at. He chose to go camping with his friends and his ex’s friends. Him and his ex were still good friends. Only because she still loved him, or at least he thought she did. He sees her laying on the grass with another guy. She’s cuddled up to his chest and is asleep. He walks over out of rage. When he gets there, he is ready to beat up the guy holding her. Until he sees how happy she looks sound asleep in his arms. He looks to the man holding her. “Be good to her. She’s been through a lot. Never take her for granted, or else you’ll loose her… just like me.” He walks off with tears in his eyes. He realizes he lost the girl he fell in love with that night.

[poorlywrote]

Him. His dark brown eyes and his dark brown hair. His hooked nose and his small smile. His tan skin and his tall body. His loud laugh and his deep voice. His soft-spoken love and his angry protection. His crooked teeth and his blushing cheeks. His sarcastic jokes and his worried comments. Him.

[poorlywrote]

You stand above me and laugh. I sigh and stand up to dust myself off. You kiss my nose and call me your "clumsy dork." I wonder how I could have tripped three times already on a simple walk. I try to explain that there is a lot of breaks in the path and branches but I’m too flustered to even say a complete sentence. You chuckle then grab my hand and kiss it. I’m still flustered, but I am happy that we are celebrating our anniversary with a simple walk in the park. I love you.

[poorlywrote]

My eyes stung from the tears I held back, as you yelled vulgar words at me. I acted like your words did not bother me, and kept being sassy and sarcastic as I always am. You continued to scream at me until I caved in and cried. Never did you hit me; never once will you ever hit me, but your words hurt me worse than any beating you could have put me through. Once I started to cry, you stopped yelling and fell to your knees. I remember you saying how much of a terrible person you thought you were, and how I deserved more. I wish you could understand that even if you think I deserve more, I would never leave you. I will fight for you, no matter how many times you lash out, because I love you.