#tw all kinds of abuse
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Kitchen sex!?!?
Okay but with who....
First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die
How you dying 👀
#im just a girl#tw all kinds of abuse#dps#kpop#movie buff#insane girls#girlblog#hell is a teenage girl
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Just a mental health rant
Written while I have a mental breakdown :/
TW: ED, Anxiety, implied depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse, S/A & self-harm
I sit at home once again, from being overwhelmed, Anxiety getting high and being criticised, bullied by my class and father cause of my weight "I've been trying!" I keep telling my father in every conversation!
because every conversation always leads back to "you should eat less", "just join a sport come on!", "You're way too overweight" but I've tried I really have!
I'll eat in front of friends and family but when I'm alone with my younger sister I won't eat I refuse. I spend every moment of my day dreading dinner or if I'm at school lunch because my brain continues to tell me "your way too fat" or "why is our girlfriend even with us? Why does mum always call us beautiful? we are absolutely hideous."
A week ago one of my friends caught me, harming myself during class making my arm bleed with one of the twenty pins in my tablet Case, she was of course concerned but self harm has been so normalised that she didn't take it that seriously luckily for me.
So here I am lying at home in pain while my mother keeps asking are you hungry yet?
I started hating my body at 7 years old, at the time my dream was to be a ballet dancer, before my concert for my third year my teachers all repeatedly told me that I was way overweight and struggling to be at the level I needed to with my schooling
Unfortunately it only got worse, some stuff happened with my ex stepfather (involving mental, physical, verbal abuse & S/A) I began to have suicidal thoughts (with no idea what they meant) so I started self harming at the age of 8 and despite the fact I rarely ever feel suicidal now I can't stop self harming
And my mum has no idea I trust and love her so much but I can't tell her, I just can't.
Can you text me after you read this @purpleblobfrompluto
#mental illness#mental problems#tw disordered eating#tw vent#tw all kinds of abuse#tw s3lf harm#tw sucidal thoughts
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Can we have Ren/Fox (TPOF) and Mc with a child?Long after Fox decided to stay with MC, they both had a daughter (probably not something with consent and a bit of Stockholm syndrome).The daughter asks her mother how she got the scars and this makes MC have memories of post-traumatic stress.
I was so tickled by this ask that I started manically typing out a response for it nearly as soon as I saw it in my ask box (which at this point, was quite some time ago. Forgive me, I am a mess lul). I wrote the whole damn thing in a fit of passion, excited to release it into the world… But ultimately hated it and thought it was garbo, so I scrapped it and tried again. Wrote a second iteration and thought ‘hell yeah, this is it!!! Sick!’, but then I read it AND HATED THAT ONE TOO AAAHHH!!!
I rewrote this… so much…
But I never give up on my dreams, and you shouldn’t either! Persevere! Don’t give up on yourself! Here’s your daily motivation for the day! Keep writing even it makes you cry!!! :D
Anyway, so I wrote this third one, comprised of new stuff and the stuff I actually did like from the first two stabs, and it ended up being the one. Truly it is a Frankenstein of a fic lol. Regardless of all the reworking, I had a lot of fun writing this and enjoyed the prompt very much!!! I I hope you enjoy reading it just as much. :)
I’m sorry if the writing seems a tad too mature for the reader’s daughter in this, writing children isn’t my forte. ^^;
Due to the nature of this fic, IT IS 18+ ONLY!!! Thank you!
WARNINGS: Incessant mentions of abuse of all kinds for reader and mentions of physical abuse for her child!!! Reader is heavily scarred from said abuse and that’s a main theme in this fic so please avoid if that is upsetting to you. Also, though not the main focus, there are multiple mentions of child abuse in this fic, as well a part where reader goes off verbally on her child, so please be mindful of that as well! Other things of note: reader is a parent in this (which you can probably tell by the prev warning lol), reader getting hurt, blood, manipulation, Stockholm syndrome, being held against your will/isolation, mentions of noncon, sad family stuff :(
Diminishing rays of afternoon light splayed through the open window of your quaint living room, casting a comforting orange glow over everything they touched. The light gave the environment an ethereal and nostalgic feel, wrapping you in peaceful warmth as the sun sunk lower and lower. The loveseat you occupied was plush and inviting, and a mug of your favorite tea stood at the ready on the small coffee table beside you, steadily cooling with help from the last hurrah of winter blowing in gently from the outside. Besides the slight chill, the wind brought with it the heavy scent of freshly bloomed flowers, a delightful precursor to the oncoming spring.
Relishing the rare moment of serenity, you couldn’t help but wish that all your days could be this lovely.
You smiled down at your daughter who sat perched in your lap, happily flipping through the newest gift she had acquired from her Father- a thick picture book full of bright illustrations highlighting various exotic animals. As it lay sprawled across her tiny lap, her chubby finger pointed out each animal she took an interest in, her high pitched voice chirping away as she explained what she liked about the creatures. She got particularly excited when she spotted the page full of foxes, jabbing at the red one feverishly as she exclaimed “its daddy!”
Spotting the foxes began her down a path of assigning an animal to not just herself, but you as well. She didn’t find it fair that only her father had kin in the animal world, even though you pointed out that she technically did as well by sharing half the man’s blood. Your revelation did little to deter her, she wanted something new, something just for herself, and she wasn’t going to stop until she found her perfect soul animal. So she continued on, scanning each page in earnest until she found a creature that suited her.
She ended up picking a bunny for herself, supplying you with a comprehensive reason as to why she chose it. As she explained in great length, skimping no details, you couldn’t help but hold back laughter. She spoke as if she were a professor teaching a class, and you did your best to keep a straight face as she yammered on with her shoddy reasoning, deep down knowing she only picked a rabbit because of how cute they are.
After she was done waxing poetic about bunnies, she continued scouring the book, coming to a halt once she reached the wild cat section. She stopped with a gasp, beaming up at you as she pressed her finger firmly against one of the images on the page.
“Mommy this one is you!”
Your eyes traveled to the picture she was rapidly tapping, “An African Wildcat, huh?” You smirked down at the little girl in amusement, “Why did you pick that one for me?”
“Because it looks just like you!”
You chuckled at her enthusiasm, “It looks like me? How so?”
“It has marks just like you do!”
Her innocuous words sent a chill up your spine. Eying the stripes that crossed the cat’s legs, you felt a great unease begin to overtake your body. Her reasoning was not lost on you, the cats coat did quite resemble the jagged scars that covered nearly every inch of your body, and just like the feline in her book, your limbs were the most prominent location of said ‘markings’. You quickly shook your head, not wanting to dwell on it further. In hopes of moving on from the subject, the outpouring of words that flew from your mouth were jumbled and messy.
“O-oh, I see,” you stuttered, clearing your throat to steady your voice, “well you certainly picked a cute animal for me! Thank you baby, it was a good choice.”
She smiled at you innocently, a gesture that usually made your heart melt with affection. But as her tiny hands moved from the book to your arms, that smile did nothing but fill you with dread, the realization that you wouldn’t be getting out of this sticky situation hitting you like a brick to the face.
“Yeah mommy, the kitty’s marks are just like these ones,” her stubby fingers gently traced the old wounds, a look of reverence reflected on her cherubic features. “They make you look like that kitty mommy,” her little voice cooed, “I like them a lot!”
Your muscles constricted at her words, a slight tremor coursing through you as you involuntarily tightened your grip on her. She took note of this, looking up at your strained features with a puzzled expression on her face.
“Don’t be sad mommy,” she spoke assuredly, “I really do like them! I think they are pretty!”
Her words burned you, scorching the inside of your frozen shell of a body, leaving you feeling sickly and discombobulated. The room around you started to spin in a hazy blur, a wave of nausea making you nearly wretch. Your breathing grew erratic as you tried to calm yourself, inwardly repeating that your daughter was just a child, a little girl barely four years of age who had an incredibly limited view of the world. Her words were not meant to upset you. Her opinions were coming from a place of total naivety.
Yet still, the mental assurance did little to help with the extremely uncomfortable position you now founds yourself in. It wasn’t as if this was her first time noticing your scars. She had mentioned them before, her curious mind trying to piece together the reason that her arms appeared different from your own. Each time she brought your old wounds up you couldn’t help but feel flustered, responding with weak explanations and misdirection to try and quickly brush off her questioning.
The marks came from a silly mistake, or a childhood accident, or from a careless moment when mommy should have been paying more attention. It was always excuses on repeat. How many lies had you told her on this topic alone?
But even if they were lies, it beat telling her the truth. You didn’t want to have to explain where the scars on your body actually came from to anyone, let alone a child, and especially not to your own daughter. How could you possibly word it gently, or in a way that she would understand, when you barely understood why you had them yourself? How could you look her in the eye and tell her that these markings were a permanent sign that you had been very, very hurt and that it was her own fathers hands that inflicted the pain?
Reliving the horrific moments that left your body in such a state was overwhelming enough on its own, but to also have to lay bare her father’s sins, relay to her the unsavory proclivities of a man who she idolized and adored, was not something you were keen on doing.
She didn’t know her daddy like you knew him. She was ignorant to the constant state of concern you lived in, unaware of the worries that plagued your mind and kept you up each night. All the troubles of the hell she had been born into were completely lost on the small, carefree girl.
But honestly that was for the best. You had made an unspoken promise the moment she entered your life that you would protect her no matter what. From the day of her birth onward it became your mission to keep her as happy and healthy as possible.
Ren had broken you, but she did not have to suffer the same fate.
At this point in her life, your daughter knew nothing of her daddy’s profession or ‘hobbies’, and you wanted it to remain that way for as long as possible, if not for the rest of her life. You dreaded each time Ren came home from an auction, terrified he may let casually slip too many details about his ‘lively client’ or that he would carelessly step through the door with the stains of his liaisons still littering his clothes. Your daughter was at an age where she was brimming with questions, and she was relentless in getting answers to each question she asked. Everything had to be explained in complete detail for her to be satisfied, drop the subject, and move on. She was a smart little thing, possibly too smart for her own good. You highly doubted a silly joke or wave of the hand would assuage her whirring mind should Ren grow too impetuous in her presence.
And should her questioning become too pesky, you fretted over what Ren’s reaction to it may be. The more you tried to avoid thinking about it the more you seemed to fixate on the topic, pondering just how much goading it would take from your daughter before his temper would rear its ugly head. You, above anyone, had firsthand experience in just how volatile the man could be, the scars that littered your body a testament to his turbulent emotions and violent outbursts.
Looking back on it now, it’s a wonder you survived any of it at all.
Ren often told you he loved you, each confession spoken through honeyed words that spilled from his lips easily and often. And while you didn’t doubt those words (you knew better than to, at this point), you also knew his sweet nothings weren’t merely a term of endearment, they also served as your curse. He loved you, but he also loved your fealty to him, your adoration and worship of him and only him. Should you not reciprocate his feelings as quickly or ardently as he expected, the mere thought of whatever punishment he would concoct was enough to send you into a debilitating panic attack.
There were few things he loathed more than when you flinched from his affection or if you exhibited any sign of distress towards his presence, especially after he had spent so many years going above and beyond to provide for you, devote himself to you. You had learned early on to keel any feelings of aversion you had to his advances, several of your more prominent scars a brutal reminder of that misstep alone.
If your daughter uncovered the truth and saw her father for who he truly was, if she began to fear him the way you feared him, how would he respond? If not only his partner, but his own daughter started shying away from him, what length would he go to to correct this behavior?
Dwelling on it made your skin crawl.
But perhaps all of your worries were asinine. Despite his inclination for cruelty, Ren had never so much as raised a hand towards your daughter, even when she did act up. If anything, he was overprotective of her, barely letting her move faster than a brisk jog lest she fall and hurt herself. He hated seeing his little girl experience even a modicum of physical pain, mentioning to you previously that were he able, he’d keep her locked up in a padded room all day and night to prevent any foreseeable accidents or injuries. Surely it was just his idea of a joke, but the insinuation still made you cringe.
It was almost comical, just how greatly the manifestation of his affection for her differed from how he showed his love for you.
His domineering nature shielded her from experiencing any true pain. Every scrape, bruise, and cut she ever received was superficial, nothing that caused major bleeding or left a lasting impression. She had no way of knowing what had been done to you to cause the scars that marred your form, the torment and hell you experienced with each slash, smack, burn. Hell, she probably didn’t even really understand what a scar actually was. All she knew was that her mommy and daddy had strange marks on their skin that didn’t follow any kind of set pattern, weird jagged lines and indents that her soft skin was curiously free from. The mystery of it all was as puzzling to her young mind as it was enticing.
However, some mysteries were best left unsolved, and just as with each other time she brought up this hot topic, you found yourself unable to look into her clear, bright eyes and tell her any semblance of the truth. She may have been forced upon you, but she was your daughter. You loved her, and you refused to be the one to shatter her innocence. You would keep her ignorant for as long as possible, shielding her to the endless nightmare of your daily lives, even if it cost you your sanity.
“Mommy,” her voice jarred you, dragging you from your thoughts, “mommy did you hear me? I said I think they are pretty!”
“T-that’s… I…” You stuttered, struggling to find the right words to say, your voice coming out much smaller than you intended it to. The room felt like it had dropped thirty degrees, your body twitching in response to the sudden chill.
“Daddy told me he gave some of them to you, like this one,” her pudgy, cold finger pressed into the faded heart that resided on your chest, the first of many indelible sins he had etched onto your form. Only the top half of the carved symbol was viewable above the collar of your shirt, so she tugged at the loose hem until she could see it in its horrible entirety.
“Daddy said he gave you this one because he loves you so much,” her voice grew quiet, a thoughtful look in her eye as they drank in wounds you wished you could forget, “Daddy loves me too, right mommy? You think he’ll give me a cute heart someday too?”
You felt as if you had been hit by a train.
“S-top,” the words were forced from your throat, airy and breathless, as if someone was wringing your neck to make them come out, “p-please, just stop talking.”
“What did you say mama,” your daughters sing-song voice responded as her fingers continued to trace and prod your scars, “You are whispering, is it a secret?”
“I told you to SHUT UP!”
As if following your command, your booming voice instantly silenced the small girl. Unused to such a violent outburst from her mother, her happy-go-lucky nature quickly shifted to one of alert, her tiny body going rigid as she stared up at you with fearful eyes.
Seeing her in such a state and knowing that you were the cause of it would normally have killed you inside, making you fall to your knees to beg for the child’s forgiveness. But right now, the thin thread that had been holding you together had snapped, and your words rushed out in a torrent you couldn’t begin to quell.
“Shut up, shut up, shut UP!” You seethed, clasping your hands to your ears to try and block out your own intrusive voice, “Just STOP TALKING about it! What are you even saying? Why would you ever want to look like this?!”
Tears started to flood your eyes, blurring the image of the girl who had quickly jumped from your lap and was now cowering before you. Through your bleary vision, you could see tears were brimming her eyes as well.
“You… You have no idea,” your voice warbled, shaking in equal parts grief and frustration, “You have no clue what you are saying, so just STOP IT. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!”
You slunk from the chair down to the floor, burying your face in your cold, stiff hands. The soft blubbering of your daughter could be heard through your own sobbing.
“I-I’m sorry mommy. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
Hearing her broken voice began to shatter the spell you had been under, instant regret jerking you roughly back to reality. Your head sunk lower, your body scrunching itself up as tightly as possible to hide from this cruel reality.
Your screams were born from deeply buried feelings of hatred, tucked far, far away as a means of self-preservation. For a moment, you felt as if you despised your daughter, her existence tethering you to this wretched excuse of a life, binding you irrevocably to Ren. But as you lifted your heavy head, glancing up to stare into her young face, a face so very similar to your own, a face contorted in panic and sadness over her mother’s abrupt descent into madness… you realized it wasn’t her that you hated.
It was yourself.
Your daughter didn’t deserve this. She deserved normalcy. She deserved a father that didn’t pose a threat to her. She deserved a mother that wasn’t ruined by his hands. She deserved a happy and untroubled life, not to be stuck being raised in a barbed cage, navigating her way through life with nothing but the shattered remains of a battered woman to guide her.
“I’m so sorry,” you choked under the weight of your overwhelming emotions, snot and tears running freely down your ruddy cheeks and chin, “I’m so, so sorry baby…”
“What the hell is going on?”
You hadn’t heard the front door open, nor had you heard Ren’s jubilant greeting as he entered your home. He had no doubt been upset by the lack of welcome-it was one thing to be ignored by a child, but his doting wife? That was not something he was not apt to look past.
But surely any feelings of annoyance or frustration fled from his mind the moment he entered the room, his eyes falling upon your crumpled, messy form collapsed on the floor. You cursed his arrival, upset that he entered the scene at such a compromising time, right as you were struggling to regain an ounce of composure and properly apologize to the little girl who had done nothing wrong.
“D-daddy,” your daughter’s voice warbled as she barreled towards him, colliding into his waiting embrace. You wiped at your face in a desperate attempt to hide your previous outpouring of emotions, doing your best to avoid eye contact with Ren as his sharp gaze quickly flicked from you, to his daughter.
This had already become enough of a scene without Ren’s interference, it was best to try and begin damage control now.
“Daddy I-I made mommy cry!” Tears continued to pour from your daughter’s eyes, her face twisting into a look of pure dismay. Her misguided admission of guilt made you recoil, knowing full well it would grant her no favors with the person she seeking comfort from. “I’m really sorry daddy! I didn’t mean to!”
After several endless seconds of silence, Ren spoke.
“… You made her cry?”
His voice was far sharper than it needed to be, further agitating the precarious state of affairs. In most cases he would have offered your daughter leniency, letting her get away with far more than she probably should. However that leniency was null and void if you ended up suffering in the process. Ren could not forgive anyone that caused you any duress (himself, of course, being the exemption) even if that person was his own flesh and blood.
“What do you mean you made her cry? What the hell did you do to her?”
“I-I don’t know,” she wailed, a fresh wave of tears spurred on by the accusatory tone of her father’s voice, “I just told mommy I thought her marks were pretty and then she started crying! I wasn’t lying daddy, I like them! I think they make mommy look really pretty!”
“Her marks…?” Ren’s look of vexation began to dissipate as the meaning of her words donned on him. He lifted his arm, rolling up his sleeve to reveal his own scars to the little girl. Pointing a clawed finger to them, he leaned down until he was looking her in the eye, “You mean like these?”
As she nodded her head vigorously in confirmation, Ren tutted, “That’s the reason for all the water works? An innocent compliment started all this fussing?” He scoffed, shaking his head, “Isn’t that a little bit… silly?
You tensed at the sound of his barking laugh, your frown deepening as an amused grin spread wider across his lips. You wished that you could say it was shocking for him to have such disregard after finding the two of you in such an agitated state, but it was painfully in character of him to shrug off your misery and suffering as inconsequential. How he could so nonchalantly normalize this hellish situation he kept you and your child ensnared in, you would never understand.
Your daughter was apparently sharing similar thoughts, as her face began to once more morph into a pre-sobbing scowl. She was no doubt wounded that her father was not offering her the comfort she was seeking, her emotional state already greatly weakened by her mother’s venomous tantrum.
To help quell another round of tears, Ren pulled the child closer, wrapping her up in his arms so that her tiny form was nearly enveloped by him. “Shhh, no more tears angel,” he cooed sweetly, patting her head gently to appease her, “There isn’t any reason to cry, especially because… Well, you’re right! Mommy’s whole body is pretty, isn’t it? Her marks just compliment the beauty that’s already there.”
Slowly but surely, her tears began to dissipate. Hunched over shoulders loosened, and sniffles and hiccups gave way to even breathing. Like clockwork, her father’s gentle handling soothed her, the same touch that destroyed you offering her salvation.
As if under a spell, the turmoil that had overcome your daughter quickly began to vanish, her sobbing fading into quiet sniffles. Once she was fully calmed, Ren continued speaking, “That’s all you meant to say to mommy, right angel? I’m sorry she took it the wrong way, she’s probably just tired or hungry, you know how mommy gets. She’ll get over it in no time flat!”
Heat spread through your body at his flippant dismissal of your feelings, an indignant blush lighting your cheeks as you gripped your hands tightly at your side. Your previous emotional episode left you all but drained, but your will to fight back against his callous commentary could never truly be contained.
“In fact, I bet she is already over it now,” Ren’s voice took on a jovial tone as he directed his focus solely on you, “Aren’t you, pumpkin?”
With the ball suddenly in your court, you flinched as both sets of expectant eyes fell on you. Your own eyes darted from Ren’s piercing glare, down to your daughter’s wide-eyed look of unbridled hope. You felt much like the rabbit that had been caught by the fox, stuck in a lose-lose situation. Seeing him hunched over her small body as she clutched to him as a life line, openly concerned that her mother may once more reject her while her father remained a bastion of strength and understanding, left you reeling. Either you would get heated again and stay the villain, but possibly hold on to an ounce of your dignity, or concede to Ren and have yet another piece of your soul wither away and die-the price to pay so that your daughter could remain in blissful ignorance for another day.
“Aren’t you, pumpkin?” He repeated himself slowly, enunciating each word. The kindness in his voice serving only as a mask for the threat buried beneath.
“Y-yes,” you responded quickly, shooting them both a smile you hoped was convincing, “I am very sorry, baby. Daddy is right. Mommy is just… tired.”
A serene smile lit her face, your words placating her. Seeing her happy once more helped relieve a bit of the ache in your own heart, making the lie worth it.
“Good, good,” Ren affirmed with a nod, carefully detaching himself from your daughter as he stood, “but you know little one, mommy deserves some love too, don’t you think? She may have been in the wrong, but it’s not nice to make her cry like that. Why don’t you go give her a hug, hm?”
With no further persuading necessary, she quickly padded over to you, hopping on your lap with so much enthusiasm that it nearly knocked the wind from you. Her arms tightly latched around your torso as she smushed her face into your chest, rubbing it back and forth like she was trying to burrow beneath your skin.
“I love you mommy,” her voice spoke clearly, any hint of previous sadness long gone. You sighed, relieved that this dramatic chapter was over as you pulled your daughter closer to you.
“I love you too.”
During this show of affection, Ren had made his way behind you, slinking so deftly you hadn’t even known he had moved until you heard him chuckle softly behind you.
“This is what I like to see,” he spoke with a sickeningly dreamy sigh, “nothing makes me happier than when my two girls are happy.”
He placed his hands gingerly atop your shoulders, trailing them down until they rested on your arms. His thumbs pressed gently against the marred skin, rubbing in a small circular motion in an attempt to subdue you. His claws grazed your flesh, uncomfortably scratching against you as they snagged against your skin.
He planted a firm and lingering kiss to the side of your head, pulling away just enough that his lips grazed the shell of your ear. “There really was nothing to cry about,” he whispered breathily, his words quiet enough that despite your daughters’ proximity, she would have no chance of hearing them. “It’s almost unfair how gorgeous you are, scars and all. But you must know that, right my sweet pet? I tell you all the time.”
Ren took in a deep breath, releasing it in a shaky sigh, “Seeing these scars reminds me of all we have been through, all that we share. They are a symbol of our bond.”
One of his claws pressed down sharply, a small bead of blood pooling around the piercing. Leisurely he began to drag his finger up your arm, a thin red line following in its wake. You shivered at the burning sensation, but deigned to give him any reaction further than that.
“Don’t forget pumpkin, these pretty marks are a reminder of my constant love for you.” He chuckled softly, peppering a few kisses to the back of your neck while his claws slowly sunk deeper, “And right now I am feeling terribly sentimental, so for old times’ sake, why don’t I add a few more to remind you just how precious to me you are~?”
#ren btd x reader#ren hana x reader#ren hana x y/n#ren btd x y/n#fox tpof x reader#fox tpof x y/n#ren hana#ren btd#fox tpof#boyfriend to death strade x reader#ren boyfriend to death#fox the price of flesh#the price of flesh#dark fic#yandere fic#tw child abuse#tw childhood trauma#tw abuse#I know I am being kind of annoying with all the child abuse tags but I want people to know whats up ya dig#poor reader#I don't write kids much but I think I did decently this time round#but geez did this fic put up a FIGHT it had HANDS#Regardless I had a great time writing it!!!#Thank you for reading!!!#I hope you enjoy!#mothresponse#mothwingswritings
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If we’re going to have the conversation about how fh is talked about in fandom: the amount of shit i saw in the flower husbands tag that set off alarms in my head before i stopped checking it is astounding. Like. there’s a reason i started primarily beastlife posting i will be so real with you.
The way people talk about toxic fh portrayals on here and toxic relationships in general is not only concerning from a safety perspective but it felt like walking into a party with a big arrow that says “this guy was in a toxic relationship in REAL LIFE!!!” and everyone looks and you and goes ewwww can you be normal. Can you write characters just breaking up normally. Like I dont know man can people read into mcrp without seeing condescending posts in the maintags about it. i could only block so many people bc new guys kept showing up to share their two cents
Like yeah its just mcrp discourse which is inherently unserious but some of those posts were underlined by a misunderstanding of how toxic relationships even work. i cannot stress to you how much “scott loved jimmy so he couldnt have been abusive” is like. reflective of real life beliefs about relationships that are dangerous to have. that is literally the kind of thinking that makes you susceptible to toxic relationships in Real Life. Like yeah we’re just talking about cubes but PLEASE STAY SAFE OUT THERE? It stressed me out for real. Can you kids stop playing with wild dogs in front of me
#“You know you can write characters breaking up normally right” still makes me see red like come on man#discourse#discourse tw#thats primarily all i have to say i think. it was kind of a nightmare in there#ask to tag#<- idk i dont discourse post like ever because i think its stupid. but this is also important i think#abuse tw#deranged.fh.posting
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The number of times I've seen people argue that Bruce is a decent father and that he is not abusive absolutely blows my absolute mind.
Yes, you can hc whatever version of Bruce you want. You can even blame it all on bad writers or reject canon. You can claim comic!Bruce isn't your Bruce and main a different version of him. Those are all valid.
However, you can NOT say that he has ever been justified for hitting his kids. There is no excuse for him willingly laying his hands on his kids. It doesn't matter if the person is drunk, drowning in grief, lost in emotions, whatever. Hitting kids is not okay.
Continually, the physical abuse is a very obvious sign of Bruce being a shit dad in the comics. On top of that, there is so much emotional abuse and manipulation as well. He's shitty as fuck to his kids and there's no reason this is okay. He may love those kids, but that doesn't excuse his behaviors.
Anyways, reject canon Bruce all you want. There's certain aspects of other characters I reject, and DC stands for Disregard Canon. Feel free to have whatever version of Bruce you desire.
What is NOT okay is excusing or accepting canon Bruce's actions/behaviors as acceptable.
#dc comics#dc universe#batman#bruce wayne#I've seen people argue that bruce can hit his kids because they are all vigilantes#what kind of stupid ass logic is that?#tw child abuse#tw abuse#i don't like getting into arguments with people but some of these excuses floor me#“they're both adults” no. that's not how child-parent relationships work#even after a kid becomes an adult the parent still has some level of power over the kid and the relationship is not equal#bruce is and has been the adult for their entire relationship. he's the parent#even if they weren't parent and child people should not be resorting to violence to solve arguments#people out here arguing Bruce isn't a shitty dad at all and still deny it when shown empirical evidence#good dad bruce is great (and shown in some media) but isn’t universal#blame the writers or say you don't accept that version of bruce but don't say he isn't canonically shit#yes bruce can still love his kids and be abusive. the two aren't mutually exclusive#bruce wayne bashing
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Dean is such a paradox for me because on the one hand, I have been actively triggered by him in the show, there are moments where, intentionally or not, the writers managed to create a portrayal of manipulation and abuse and control issues that it sets off actual alarms for me. And on the other hand, I would not have him any other way. There is something — not comforting, that’s too soft a word — about knowing where Dean’s actions stem from, having seen and learned all that we do about his childhood neglect and parentification and the trauma he goes through repeatedly in the show, and that he doesn’t come out clean. He comes out a goddamn mess who ends up hurting the people around him in reaction to his own pain!
There’s a reality there that’s. Almost nice, actually. Distressing to watch, but it is a fucking mess, it’s a good mess! He’s got zero healthy coping skills and a healthy relationship with say, his brother, is terrifying because it leaves him open to abandonment!
I’m not sure I’m wording this correctly. There is a way to be a good abuse victim. Take the pain, martyr yourself on it, and then, even if you have no support or idea how to, then you have to become a Good Person who never hurts anyone the way you have been learning to your entire life. Simply toss everything that shaped you out the door and emerge a saint with a tragic backstory. And Dean is not that. And that’s so fucking good. Everything that he has gone through continues to effect the way he treats the people around him, and he can’t fight the behaviors he might recognize as harmful because he also sees them as protecting him (or protecting Sam by keeping Sam with him.)
And sometimes, idk. It feels good to see a guy who didn’t heal the “right way.” Who mostly didn’t heal at all, just keeps the wound open because it’s easier that way.
#there’s a whole other bit to this about how like. it’s hard for fandom to hold the idea that someone can be both a victim and abusive#at the same time. that the ways someone has been hurt don’t always shape them into kindness and wide-eyed sympathy. occasionally it just#makes them hard to live with. and I think most obviously is the thing that a lot of what Dean does is an expression of love. of protection.#he’s very much his father’s son in that way. that’s why Sam. the guy he’s been Told to protect his whole life. is also the person he ends up#hurting the most. it’s tragedy. it’s realistic. it’s a good fucking mess.#and that’s why I don’t get interpretations of dean that are determined to shave off the ugly parts of his character. to me those are the#parts that make him a character worth revisiting. he’s so full of love. and he uses it to hurt people. he means to sometimes. a lot of the#time he doesn’t but hurts them anyway. he has been shaped by violence his whole life. and it’s just. I get why someone might take this#part of him away. to make him easier to love. because I get that he’s stressful to watch also like I get that. but he is.#he is compelling. in his anger and his controlling behavior and his strangling love. he is compelling in all the ways he has become this.#Dean’s degradation into these behaviors can be both a failure of a show that ran to long but also the believable trajectory of a man who#can’t heal. and I love him for that. I love him for emerging from pain as a angry sharp thing. I love that it brings the glimpses of him#being gentler and recognizing his actions as bad into stark relief. I love that this recognition often only lasts until he is hurt again and#then he backpedals into the safety of behaviors he knows will allow him to control a situation through force or manipulation.#it’s good fucking mess. you know? dean winchester everybody.#maybe I should have put all that in the main post. oh well. too late now.#spn#dean winchester#tw abuse
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People who compare transition to self harm or use real people they know who've self-harmed as a metaphorical comparison to transitioning aren't making the gotcha they think they're making - they're just showing that they don't have the compassion or maturity to engage with either topic at even a conversational level.
And, frankly, it's infuriating as a person who does see those who self-harm as my equal who doesn't need to be used as a cudgel against another group of often vulnerable people.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#self harm tw#self harm mention tw#sh tw#transphobia#transphobia tw#and as someone who has self-harmed AND transitioned it's been inherently different. it's not a comparison#and if you wonder why so many trans people have engaged in self harm: social factors. family. abuse. mistreatment#mine stemmed from unrelated abuse largely and also because i wasn't being treated well#absolutely unresolved dysphoria in trans people can inspire that - i know that already. ask me how (don't)...#...but it also isn't inherent to identifying as trans. dysphoria of any kind can make people desperate for any escape...#...and you help them by allowing them space and giving them tools that empower *them*...#...like for me the second a huge part of my dysphoria resolved through transition i was able to start actually fucking LIVING#because for all my life i'd been only able to operate at 50% at most. and now it's more like 80-90% just after transition
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Choice Theft in the second degree, with utter disrespect
“To take the choice of another … to forget their concrete reality, to abstract them, to forget that you are a node in a matrix, that actions have consequences. We must not take the choice of another being. ”
from Perdido Street Station by China Miéville
The way Genji, Kumasawa, and Nanjo constantly refer to the rape as being like…The One Sin that Kinzo ever did in regards to Beatrice 2. As though they weren’t there actively helping him to raise her in isolation, imprisonment, lying to her about the world, about herself. As if that’s not also a nightmarish abusive situation already, just on it’s own. We have so little of Beatrice 2, but it’s an undeniable fact that she was a human utterly devoid of agency in every single way.. They stole from her even the choice to be angry or upset or aware about what was happening to her, what had happened to her. Of the choice to be a human and not a witch. Of the choice to be a daughter and not a wife. Genji’s half-truth phrasings during the games too when dodging confirmation from the siblings about whether Kinzo had a child with his mistress are especially disgusting. Since he’s not just outright lying like Nanjo, but denying Beatrice 2’s personhood as an individual, and slyly using Kinzo’s grooming logic that she was not really herself, but someone else (her mother), even if he did genuinely feel bad for her. I’m sure Genji, Kumasawa, and Nanjo contented themselves by thinking that a bird in a cage doesn’t long for the outside. But that’s a theft in itself. And this choice theft is only continued with Sayo. Robbed of her own unsurgically-altered body. Robbed of the context of her life. Robbed of the ability to make choices based on those two things. And then in telling her, far too late, she is robbed of the mundane, uncomplicated love that had existed in her heart for Battler. Robbed of a lineage not tainted by the most horrific abuse. Robbed even of the ability to look at her own father, at the people who raised her, with respect. Like…HELL IS NOT HOT ENOUGH!!!!
#tw rape#tw incest#tw grooming#tw abuse#umineko#umineko spoilers#genji ronoue#kumasawa chiyo#terumasa nanjo#beatrice ushiromiya#sayo yasuda#kinzo ushiromiya#the last line is worded oddly about ‘looking at her father with respect’ but by that i mean. how she had a kind of somewhat positive view-#-of kinzo before#since all those last few things are stuff that she never really had#as in she was always related to battler#she was always the product of incestuous rape#and kinzo and the complicit servants were always people who did not deserve her respect#but that was her reality which they destroyed. again.#the way the servants try to have their cake and eat it too by subjecting her to all of this to ease their and kinzo’s conscience about-#-her mother is so insane. like after all this fucking insanity. yes let’s deliver the bombshells that will shatter her whole pitiful world-#- weve forced her to live in. okay mission accomplished!#and they did it all with those smiles on their faces they thought they’d finally reached the happy ending to their twisted little story#of course sayo has a right to know and SHOULD know but the servants i feel were not telling her for her sake#but for their own. like their way of showing contrition#rather than finding some better way to do this than destroying her life in one fell swoop#text
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I like adaptations of Cinderella or Donkeyskin/All-Kinds-of-Fur that draw on the oral tradition of the heroine giving the Prince a riddle about her identity, based on their earlier meetings when she was in her rags. But which don't have the Prince physically abuse the "dirty scullery maid" in those earlier meetings the way he does in traditional oral tales, and which base her riddle on something else.
In traditional versions of Donkeyskin/All-Kinds-of-Fur, where the heroine works as a servant at the palace, she typically takes off the Prince's boots for him, only for him to throw them at her, or fetches water for his bath, only for him to refuse to bathe in water touched by such a filthy girl and throw it onto her. (Or some other such things.) Or in some versions of Cinderella, she meets him on the road one day, he accidentally drops his riding whip, and she hands it back to him, only for him to swat her with it just because she looks so filthy and ugly. Then at the ball or at church, when he falls in love with the "mysterious lady" without knowing her real identity, he asks her where she comes from, and she replies that she's from the land of "Boot" or "Bath" or "Pick-Up-the-Whip." This traditionally happens three times over the course of the story.
This obviously doesn't work so well in a more modern retelling, since we're not so inclined to accept a heroine being abused by her future love interest, or a prince who's supposed to be the good guy casually abusing a servant or a peasant girl.
But a few adaptations find substitutes.
For example, Jim Henson's The Storyteller retells the story of Donkeyskin/All-Kinds-of-Fur as Sapsorrow, and has the heroine draw her cryptic statement at the ball from a verbal insult the initially-rude Prince gave her. The second time the Prince interacts with Sapsorrow in her furry disguise, he says that "cats chase mice, hens lay eggs," never the reverse, and that likewise he has (and wants) nothing to do with her. Later, at the ball, when he asks the beautiful princess where she comes from, she says she lives "where hens chase mice and cats lay eggs."
Then there's the classic 1973 Czech film Three Wishes for Cinderella. Cinderella and the Prince meets repeatedly before the ball: both in her ordinary rags, where they exchange some sassing and insults but earn each other's respect, and at a royal hunt, where she disguises herself as a boy and outshoots all the men. At the ball, when he asks her to marry him, she insists that first he answer three riddles: "Whose face is smudged with ashes but isn't a chimney sweep? Who has a feathered hat and a crossbow, but isn't a huntsman? Who wears a gown embroidered in silver, but isn't a princess?"
Then there's the 2011 adaptation of Aschenputtel from the German Christmas fairy tale anthology Sechs auf einen Streich. In that one, Prince Viktor and Cinderella meet twice before the ball: the first time, he accidentally causes her to fall face-down into a mud puddle, and the second time, she accidentally spills a sack of flour all over herself. Both of these scenes are friendly and funny, though of course far from traditionally romantic or dignified. At the ball, when he doesn't recognize her, she tells him that they've met twice before, and that their meetings were "first all black, then all white."
They all capture the essence of the older versions with their cunning, riddling Cinderellas, but without the uglier part.
@adarkrainbow, @ariel-seagull-wings
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why is the concept of showing empathy for drug/alcohol addicts so hard to understand for some ppl? v.v they suffer too sis, that problem has to come from somewhere and i bet most of them would rather not be addicted in the first place. some people don't know what nuance is i swear. am i crazy for having empathy with addicts??? i don't think so.
#tw drinking#tw alcohol abuse#tw depression#tw addiction#context: i have a friend i've known for a long time (i use the term friend loosely because she's getting on my nerves A LOT lately#and every time i show an ounce of empathy for someone whose addicted to any kind of substance she gets judgy as hell#and uses my personal experience against me to try and change my mind#“but didn't your dad drink himself to death and made life so hard for you and your family?”#sis °-° he had manic depressive episodes and drinking was his coping mechanism for it#he was never abusive towards other people only to himself but ofc watching him wasting away when i was a teen was fucking hard.#he also grew up in a time where mental health problems weren't talked about as much as it is today especially regarding men#so he had a hard time getting help#addiction is a symptom to a bigger problem most if not all of the time but so many people don't see that shit#they just talk for the sake of talking v.v#ofc are some addicts also abusive to others and that's not okay#but that problem comes from somewhere#also she is a smoker btw just saying ;)#sorry for rambling#needing to VENT °.°#prolly delete later#cw drinking#cw depression#cw addiction
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“Separate the art from the artist” is what you say when you still find joy in art that was created by a person who has done something harmful, but their art isn’t directly tied to their actions as a person, so you find ways to privately enjoy it without directly supporting them. It is not something you say to make yourself feel better about directly financially supporting a person who admitted to physical domestic abuse (which is an actual literal crime that people go to jail for, not some kind of petty internet discourse that a notes app apology can fix) just because you can’t stand to let go of your favorite mediocre white boy.
A streamer is not the kind of artist you can separate from the art. Music is another thing but if you’re able to listen to a man sing about being a toxic partner while knowing what he’s done you may need to spend some time unpacking that. And if you’re one of the people who found comfort in using his content as a form of escapism before you knew about all of this, I’m sorry and I know this must be hard to come to terms with but that’s something you need to deal with in private and it’s not an excuse to continue giving a platform to an abuser.
Always believe victims and go support Shelby! She’s been my favorite Minecraft content creator for years and she’s amazing at what she does! Her YouTube and streaming content is great and I’m also a big fan of her work on Kollok 1991 and The Unleashed, which are TTRPG shows if that’s something you’re into! Kollok is a lot more gritty and definitely not PG (think Stranger Things but with more of a horror element) and the Unleashed is like a comic-book super heroes series that’s a little more similar vibes to her usual content. (Featuring an all LGBTQ+ cast and GMed by Aabria Iyengar!) The Unleashed is pretty short for a TTRPG series and a great place to start if you’ve never seen that kind of thing before!
#tw abuse#cw abuse#shubble#shelby shubble#not the kind of thing i usually talk about but I’ve seen too many people misusing that phrase and it simply must be said#the number of people who have said they don’t care what he’s done they’re still going to support him is disgusting#‘I went to therapy I’m better now’ is a shit apology and you all know it#are there ways to consume his music without directly supporting him?#definitely but the majority of people saying this aren’t intending on doing that#wilbur soot#I don’t even want to tag him but I know that’s where the people who need to be told this are
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i had these 2 rotating in my mind since weeks so have more art of my own fic
#not an ask#my art#illustration#genshin impact fanart#genshin impact#genshin nahida#genshin dottore#nahittore#that should be the tag#if it isn't then i'll be making it#if you find this and don't know what the fuck this is about then i am sorry#kind of at least#tw implied abuse#???? i guess#nahida x dottore#i am adding that because more than 2 people liked this and i feel that not all of them realized this is ship art
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from a vibes perspective, i totally understand why so many people look at keefe and go ‘this guy would be the male equivalent of a wine aunt when he’s older’.
but. but.
taking lore into consideration, in my heart, he’s terrified of alcohol (even if he tries really hard to hide it). because. like. his first exposure is almost guaranteed to be through cassius, and cassius canonically threw a glass extremely close to him at least once when he was, like, 8. maybe cassius wasn’t always extra nasty when he was drunk, but there’s gotta be a correlation in keefe’s brain between risking getting seriously hurt (emotionally or physically) and alcohol consumption that’s really hard for him to shake.
#tw alcohol#tw child abuse mentions#lmk if there's more trigger warnings i should put#i have a thing for hurt/comfort lmao#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#this is brought to you by:#that one fic my brain started writing internally where it's sophie's 21st bday and she's like man i#have saved the world so many times we've all lost count. i want a fucking drink#and keefe's internally like OH GOD OH FUCK in a bad way but externally he's like yeah babe whatever you want!!#and then she's like. i don't wanna do anything super stupid though. and drinking alone is super stupid when you've never drank before#will you stay w/ me? please?#and keefe's like. i cannot say no to that face#so he spends the night doing an increasingly bad job of hiding how bad he's freaking out#because sophie is a safe space and alcohol is not safe and he doesn't know how to deal w/ the two colliding#ESPECIALLY since sophie's just getting dorkier and sweeter as her filter goes down instead of throwing insults or objects at him#(i feel like sophie would be the kind of drunk that's very impulsive and says EVERYTHING that comes to the forefront of her mind#and stellarlune was more than enough to prove that she sees keefe and a lot of the time her brain just goes hnnngh soft little tortured#artist. MY soft little tortured artist.)#yeah but even intoxicated sophie can tell something's wrong even before he flinches super obviously at an empty glass falling over w/o#breaking. and so she's like nah man it's hurt/comfort time and he's like BUT YOUR BIRTHDAY and she's like do you really think i'm#gonna just let go of the fact that i know you're stressed? i'm not a dickhead keefe#so yeah it ends in cuddles. because of course it does#keefe sencen#annnnd out of the drafts this goes. post!
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I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.
So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.
Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.
Let’s get right into it.
1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”
I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.
2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.
That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.
3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.
I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.
4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.
I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.
5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.
If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.
If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.
After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.
6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.
They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.
Now, it is.
7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.
8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.
That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.
In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.
8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)
So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.
9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.
I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.
All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.
10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.
Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.
Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.
So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.
As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.
The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(
All of this was just the breaking point, really.
Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.
#tw suicide mention#tw mental illness#tw abuse#I’m not putting it in main tag#I know that nobody will believe me#the document I have has pictures and photos with evidence#I’ll post it on a different account about a month from now#I don’t like drama on my blog#beyond the things that ppl have taken from years ago plus my breakdown on the panic room server I haven’t done anything else#(excluding a personal fight me and an ex-confidant had that was only between me and them. it involved no one else)#also… “salty wet’’ was the worst thing I said in the server. ever#because I am ace and I’ve never written actual….. yknow…… before.#the panic room would say downright s*xual things on the daily; with Ghouse never really discouraging them from doing so#I have a screenshot of him replying to a minor like this too#it was very common#…#but I will put it in the doc instead#all of the things tarot card put in their doc was taken out of context#it’s kind of weird that Ghouse is having a minor lead his charge?#he was talking about moving in with a minor… if he really cared about inappropriate conduct he wouldn’t talk about that#…oh. and; some people who blocked me had commissions in progress#so if they’re reading this… keep the playlist. keep the money. I understand. it was fun while it lasted.#those things belong to you now
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one of the concepts that i kind of always pulled from tvc and still think about a lot is the concept of cyclical abuse, trauma, and how that looks when you have hundreds ( if not thousands of years ), what does redemption and forgiveness look like? in a relatively small community of people who have forever.
whether it's forever to grow, forever to decline, etc.
a toxic relationship between two vampires that have hundreds of years following may look a lot different than two humans in a similar situation.
and just i think it's neat to explore.
#vampires will never hurt you ! // ooc#that's all that's the thought#i'm working on organizing my drafts and figuring out what i owe#so you're all stuck with random thoughts#that i'm just kind of mulling over while i figure out where to start#me always shouting in the void about shit#with a voice in the back of my head WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT ENERGY INTO YOUR DRAFTS YOU WEIRDO#abuse tw#trauma tw#THE HEADCANONS AND RANDOM THOUGHTS ARE HELPING#i had the first bout of like anxiety over my writing in MONTHS#today#and while it's fading and i'm fine and it never lasts all that long#it hit me like a brick
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jamie + tight jaw + eye contact when he's being lectured to
#headcanons !#this is definitely something james drilled into him#very much a 'you look at me when im speaking to you boy' kind of thing#no matter how much he trusts the men in his life as soon as they start yelling @ him/non-productively lecturing him/talking down to him....#it goes straight to tight jaw & eye contact#abuse tw#he very much loves ted & roy even if he complains about them now it's so (affectionate)#but it all comes back to that angry man in his life#mirror !#edits !
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