#totally trauma dumping on main

[graylinesspam]

So there's a post on here, a quite popular one, that likens mental and physical recovery to cleaning a trashed house. I always liked that post, the way it describes recovery as a process that gets easier with practice but doesn't ever really become simpler, It made things i was confused about some much clearer to me.

That post helped me specifically understand because I had so much experience cleaning barely habitable houses. For most of my childhood I was tasked with cleaning jobs that were far outside of a normal 5-15 year old's skill set.

The actual post will say it a lot better than I can here but something about the process of starting at the entryway and working you're way in, learning new techniques, buying new tools, but ultimately accepting that with every room you clean, you will have to drag the mess through the rest of the house and end up getting all the clean places dirty again. That resonated with me.

Some backstory, I grew up with young and broke parents. Many of my early living conditions were filthy apartments and half-renovated farm sheds. I was cleaning almost as soon as I could walk. I had to learn fast. As I got older and our homes improved but it was because my father worked all the time and was almost never home, and when he was he was working side hustles. My mother was a bedridden depressed woman for many years. I had to learn to clean up after an adult's depression nest and myself and my own sister's mess.

I wasn't totally alone in it. My father, for all his absence, was practically a dream housewife when he was around. He could cook and clean and do repairs all at the same time in a horrible overstressed whirlwind. I had to pay attention in order to learn, but more than that I had to keep up with his pace. Just eight years old and tiny and underfoot, trying to learn the cleaning patterns of a grown man in a full tilt adhd hyperfocus cleaning session.

But I did learn. I learned to keep the clutter out of sight, To scrub away the worst of it. I learned to make games out of cleaning to get any help from my sister. Learned how to make throwing trash in the can from a stepstool several feet away into a competitive sport. I learned how to bribe her, and how to pace her, an episode of her favorite show for half a rack of dishes. I learned how to make ramen just the way she liked and trade it for a toybox filled up.

I even got not one but two full time jobs as a house keeper.

But that was before I had started to deal with serious health problems. Now I'm too sick to work. I struggle with making sure I just get up in the mornings and contribute something to the household. Part of my mind is stuck in a shame loop of becoming my mother and the other is preoccupied with the knowledge that my life has gone absolutely nowhere.

This fucking house has become my whole world the same way it always did in the summers when I stopped going to school and mom stopped getting out of bed. Every day I wake up and I do the work. Some days are harder than others. Some days I can even muster up some pride for what I do. It's been two godamn years and I'm finally getting to some of the deeper stuff. I got rid of the broken recliner. Mom is finally ready to throw out her dead uncle's stuff so there's more clutter I can clear away.

Every day I clean the same mess and some days I do impressive things like burning all the wood in the yard.

And it does look good. There's so much less clutter, and I've redecorated. Moved the furniture. Fixed up the yard.

But the carpet is still disgusting. It will never stop reeking of dog. And the floors coming apart and the dishwasher is slowly sinking into the floor and I know in my core that this place is decrepit and no amount of cleaning will make it livable in the long run.

And I don't really know how that became such an apt description of my life but it is. Because I've spent all my life knowing that I'd have to maintain my own mind, I knew how bad that your head could get, I've seen it. But my body is failing on me now too and I don't know how much cleaning you can do on a house if the ceiling is splitting and the floors are falling through.

[elithemiar-blog]

Danny gets adopted by the Batfam.

Dani gets adopted/recruited by the Young Justice.

Dan gets recruited for the Suicide Squad by Amanda Waller.

No one realizes they're related and when it does come out it's a 'you didn't ask?' situation.

-----

It'd be hilarious if neither of the three were even aware of the others situation, just that Amity is a no longer a good place to be. They find out each others situation a 'yeah that tracks'.

Take the head canons and fill it up.

[scatterbugged]

i will never feel normal about dean and sam’s relationship with john and maybe that’s me projecting but. the pipeline of “being convinced your dad is a good guy who was dealt a bad hand and he’s trying real hard he’s just rough around the edges” to “he’s an asshole he’s a dick he’s selfish and careless and obsessed with his own anger to the point that it blinds him from everything else in his life.” it’s so real. thinking you’re close with your father because you do what he says, you let him shape you while you grow up because you want to be easy for him because you know everything else in his life is hard. you want to be the favorite kid even though you might never admit that because you tried so damn hard for him and even after all that it still feels like he’s chasing after the love of his other kids and he doesn’t give a shit about yours because he already has it. when you finally push back he turns around and makes you feel guilty for it because you’re supposed to be “better” than your siblings, you’re the one who’s supposed to respect him, supposed to be his right hand man or whatever, and now you sound like an ungrateful brat just like the rest of them. and then he’s dead to yoi in a weird sort of way when you get older even if he isn’t really dead and you know he’s an asshole but there’s still that dying voice at th back of your head that comes to his defense every time you hear a bad word about him because it’s just instinct at this point, you spent so long defending him that you don’t know how to turn it off all the way.

[genericpuff]

I was kind of curious: What do you think of Persephone's therapy scenes in episodes 160-161?

I personally liked them, but you and many other LO critics always seem to see things that totally flew over my head (I mean that in a positive way).

I think the idea behind them was fine, just the execution that felt really half-baked. Rachel doesn't like scenes to sit too long so the therapy scene, of course, wound up being rushed in the course of 2-3 episodes (meaning she had to have Persephone dump everything all at once) and while Persephone's dialogue is handled relatively well, the direction of the scene itself feels entirely mismanaged (which is both a side effect of Rachel's directionless writing and the fact that she clearly doesn't want to do more than one of these kinds of episodes so she needs to speedrun it).

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion concerning sexual assault ahead!

Like, let's start with Persephone's intent in going to therapy. Wanting to pursue therapy doesn't just happen suddenly, there's usually a "trigger event" to make someone realize "I need help", whether it be hitting rock bottom or even just going "I feel like I don't have the skills or tools necessary to deal with what I'm dealing with, I need a professional opinion".

Despite Eros advising her to go to therapy all the way back in S1 to address her assault-

-she actually finally goes to therapy in S2 not to address the assault, but to address... how she feels insecure in comparison to Hera who she just found out Hades had a long-term affair with??? At least that's definitely the implication.

And then of course the therapy session itself segues immediately into "Persephone is a high achiever and it's because of her mom being overbearing" which Rachel doesn't connect at all to either the SA or her feeling insecure compared to Hera (which, by the way, barely even has anything to do with her, but she didn't - and still doesn't - have the emotional maturity or self-respect to realize that Hades is a serial cheater-)

That's where the first therapy episode cuts off, and then the next episode immediately opens with Persephone writing her entire backstory on a whiteboard, so we can assume time has passed and she's talked about everything from her childhood up until this point.

Then we get Chiron asking Persephone... what could go wrong if she leaves TGOEM??

Even though we never saw any of the actual sequence so it just feels like a question that's coming out of nowhere? Like did Persephone say during that schpeel that she wanted to leave TGOEM? Isn't that something we should have seen to connect these two trains of thought?

Ah, right, because we have to get into Hades. Because this comic fails the Bechdel test so hard it can't even have a character talk about their trauma or childhood without it seguing into "well there's this one specific main character guy I just really wanna sleep with-"

Don't get me wrong, if Rachel is trying to "deconstruct purity culture" here, I can get her angle with this, if Persephone has been "groomed her entire life" to be an eternal maiden then there's clearly some thought processes about sexual attraction there that are being challenged by her attraction to Hades. But it just feels so rushed purely for the sake of getting her through her trauma and childhood problems and everything that Rachel tacked onto her backstory (in an attempt to make her seem more than just a self-insert) so that Rachel can get her back on track to sleeping with Hades, the one and only man she's clearly ever felt sexual attraction to enough to want to leave TGOEM and question her entire childhood.

And then we get this and I just-

Like first of all, again, Persephone being a complete airhead and not realizing that it has less to do with her possibly being an inadequate partner and more to do with Hades being a serial cheater who also used her as an emotional affair partner;

but ALSO the fact that the conclusion is some "eureka" moment of "you're a bad decision maker" ??? I was a fan of the comic still when this scene happened and even I went "huh?"

Like she doesn't bother to try and connect it to everything she just learned and said about her childhood and how she wants to be the "perfect daughter" who will make everyone happy, Chiron just reduces it to "oh you just suck at making decisions". As if "sucking at making decisions" isn't like, a reactionary extension of deeper problems. She's treating it as if Persephone is some "puzzle" to be solved and her being a "bad decision maker" was the answer when it's undoubtedly just one of many side effects of her upbringing. It feels like she's addressing the cough and not the virus.

Also a little off topic but-

Gotta love how we've never seen Persephone actually employ this homework from her therapist because she's constantly stapled to Hades and the only thing she cares about is his happiness. Literally, I don't think Persephone could possibly answer that question because she's never been independent enough to even learn what makes her happy - she's jumped from wanting to make her mother happy to wanting to make Hades happy but we're supposed to condemn the former and celebrate the latter.

Buuut of course we don't get her answering that question because again, Rachel can't spend more than 30 seconds on a single scene because that would demand too much writing and thought from her. So we cut to Hera having a discussion with Asclepius regarding her scars re-opening, yadda yadda.

By the time we cut back to the therapy session at the start of the next episode (that's three episodes that have been spent basically accomplishing nothing because none of the thought threads tie together in a meaningful way beyond what the audience has to assume) Chiron is conveniently wrapping things up and it's then and only then does Rachel try to actually incorporate the SA plotline that was Persephone's ORIGINAL MOTIVATION in going to therapy.

Now, the scene for the most part is fine, I don't really like how the therapy session was written leading up to it, but her describing her freeze response and how she feels guilty she couldn't "fight back" is a very real feeling that I can definitely say was well written.

My one gripe with it though - and sure, this might be nitpicky, but here me out - is this:

I don't particularly like that Chiron the therapist just found out about her patient being a rape victim - someone who's also said she doesn't like people grabbing her / touching her without her consent - and then decides the best course of action is to comfort her... while touching her.

Now I want to make it perfectly clear, it's not against the law or even the code of ethics to make physical contact between a therapist and their patient. Loads of patients have made breakthroughs with their therapists that have called for hugs and while some therapists may not be okay with it, there are definitely therapists who are who fully understand that hugs in those moments are the best thing for a person. But it's still a general boundary that is there and even with patients who aren't victims of SA, consent needs to be asked for / given.

So Chiron just... coming over and touching Persephone on the knee, while undoubtedly seen as a "warm and comforting act" by those who have had similar sessions with their own therapists or even just those who have no clue and see it on the surface level as being "sweet", really irks me, because it just seems so tone deaf to do with a character like Persephone who is supposed to be a victim of having her bodily autonomy taken away from her.

Again, it's a small criticism, and undoubtedly a nitpick in the eyes of some, but a simple "can I give you a hug?" from either Chiron or Persephone would have gone a long way in accomplishing Persephone's need for consent and bodily autonomy a lot more than just having Chiron come up and touch her leg without her consent. Please, for the love of god, let Persephone have some autonomy, asking for consent doesn't ruin the moment.

And that's pretty much it, Persephone talks about how she feels like she's tethered to Apollo, and Chiron assures her that's not the case, session over, Persephone goes outside to Hades aaaand notice how we never actually tackled that "I feel insecure because of my partner having former partners?" thing? Notice how the best we got was her talking about her fears of being an "inadequate partner" which focused entirely on her not being "enough" for Hades and being a "bad decision maker" rather than pointing out 1.) Hades' own faults in being a serial cheater that would undoubtedly contribute to her insecurities and 2.) what Persephone could do for Hades rather than what Hades could do for Persephone? It's always "I don't know if I'm good enough for him" and never "I don't know if he's good enough for me."

Yet another F-- on Lore Olympus' Bechdel test. Every single thing tacked onto Persephone's backstory is meant purely to get her with Hades - TGOEM is just an obstacle preventing her from having sex with Hades, the assault is just a framing device to show how much "better" Hades is for Persephone than Apollo, her overbearing childhood is just to show how much more "free" she is now that she's not living with her mother and is living with Hades instead, etc.

No agency, no autonomy, no character, even when it tries.

[theoddest1]

https://www.tumblr.com/theoddest1/765973279199592448/her-saying-it-was-from-an-episode-they-didnt-end?source=share

See, I'd believe Viv if she said that this was just an alternate version of the episode that they just didn't want to go with, because it would've conflicted with the pacing of the story (because in the boards, Blitz has Stolas' book, Millie gets called a dumb Brute, Blitz is still getting mentally tortured for his fuckups etc.) or they just wanted to take a new direction in general.

But to say that this is a scrapped episode is a bold-faced lie? The official storyboard count ends at 888- totaling up to 6 minutes when put together for an animatic. And the main BBEG is the ghost from the latest episode. The only major changes from the boards to the episode is that Loona and Moxxie didn't come along for the mission, where the fight scene takes place, and how Blitz's trauma dump of the hour takes place outside of his head with physical changes happening to the environment. But these board aren't just loose sketches with some notes here and there. These are REAL, genuine boards that are cleaned up enough to be sent off.

I get being annoyed that a whole episode had to be rewritten due to it being leaked along with another episode/song demo a while back, but acting like "LOL WE DIDN'T END UP MAKING IT ANYWAY 🤣" is some zany own, indirectly/directly undermines that insane amount of work that 6 minutes of storyboards make up.

Viv staying a liar until the very end, her ass refuses to learn or get better and her fans DO NOT HELP.

It's like trying to scold a kid, but random ass strangers keep sticking up for said kid even though the brat knowingly stole someone else's homework with no remorse and got the A+ instead of the kid that genuinely worked their ass off. Like, UM??? MAYBE STOP TREATING BAD BEHAVIOR AS GOOD.

Like this time around, while she finally listened to criticism, she framed it as if they already got rid of the episode before the backlash, which I feel she is straight up LYING about since these leaks were part of a bunch others and the premise of the episode is CLEARLY not far off. She clearly wants to make it seem as if they "had the sense" to not make an absolute shitshow that was the original version of the episode.

[adilynnyuri]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

Hii love!

BABE CALM DOWN! I UNDERSTAND YOU!!

I totally understand you and your situation but I am here to help you and to remind you THAT YOU DIDN'T AND WILL NEVER DO ANY MISTAKES!

First of all, WHATEVER HAPPENS REMEMBER!

Don't EVER LOSE HOPE!! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO'S CREATING BOTH GOOD/BAD SITUATIONS THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES!!

You are the MAIN CHARACTER! YOU NEVER FACE ANY PROBLEMS!!

And imo Idgaf to karma. I don't even consider it's real. BUT I WILL USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE BY AFFIRMING THAT WHOEVER TRIES TO HARM ME IN ANY WAYS THEY WILL COMPLETELY FACE THE WORST.

I understand that you feel guilty about your activities! But! NEVER LET IT TAKE CONTROL OVER YOU! AND DON'T THINK YOU ARE BAD PERSON OR SOMETHING!!

You are limitless and you can do anything!

Until you don't hurt anyone in the name of manifestation, YOU ARE NEVER A BAD PERSON OR DOING ANY BAD!

⭐I will give you an example from my life!

My success in revising an embarrassing situation!

Once I did something very embarrassing like so embarrassing I just wanted to k!ll myself💀 but then I thought why should I do that to myself? I was born in this world to be happy and cherished 24/7! so I just affirmed robotically that NOTHING BAD HAPPENED AND I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT AND MY DP WHO WITNESSED THAT FORGETS IT TOO! (It was very tough for me too! The shit which I did kept popping up in my mind, BUT I DIDN'T GIVE MUCH ATTENTION TO THAT AND KEPT AFFIRMING!)

Well it just took me 1 day! One full day of robotic affirmations! LITERALLY THE VERY NEXT DAY EVEN I FORGOT AND MY DP TOTALLY FORGOT!! I WAS SO SO HAPPY!

Suggestion for you! 💕

I know it's so tough for you to affirm totally against of what happened, but trust me! JUST AFFIRM! YOU ARE SO POWERFUL LOVE! JUST REVISE SAYING,

"I never did anything bad and I am never guilty"

I AM BEING 1000000% SURE WHATEVER YOU WANT WILL HAPPEN. WHATEVER YOU WANTED TO CHANGE, WILL CHANGE! MORE LIKE, IT HAS ALREADY CHANGED !!

With lots of love,

ADILYNN YURI🤍🌷

[shotmrmiller]

both my parents were religious, but due to the both of them being raised with different religions, they didn't force me and my brother into any sort of religion due to conflicts of their beliefs, just figured we'd pick one for ourselves. didn't stop my grandparents from being bitches about it, though.

why am I ranting in ur asks mb I'll shut up

i was about to trauma mini dump but instead i'll share an idea i don't think ill ever write because it does my main squeeze price kinda dirty although he's a stag i just know it but

price having a perfectly valid reason for not being able to keep up with your high libido. age, injuries, he's simply tired. he gives you the best he can and for anyone else it would probably be too much but you're just a lot of woman to handle sometimes and you totally get it.

but it eats at price, yknow? he doesn't believe you when you say it's alright, you understand but he doesn't like to think that youre dissatisfied so he'll quietly bring up having another person to give him a helping hand and youre reluctant at first ofc. he's gotta be outta his mind, maybe the gas he inhaled at that one place-- and yeah you know about that because johnny told you even though price should've done so himself but that's a convo for another time-- has affected him more than he thought but he stands on what he said.

another person to fuck you when he can't but the only stipulation is that HE chooses who.

anyway, you were expecting sweet kyle or friendly johnny but he brings the worst of the lot, simon, and he's a man who hasn't had any sort of physical contact with another in months so he. is. starved.

he's been hungry for so long it's twisted into madness.

(and never feel like you cant rant in my asks, for the sake of anonymity you can use my inbox as a dm. i can also not post things if you don't want me to, simply lmk.)

[callmebrycelee]

9-1-1 REACTION

These are my confessions, just when I thought that I was starting to fall in love, my boyfriend unceremoniously decided to dump me.

After a week off and a presidential election that felt like a season of American Horror Story, we finally got a new episode of the gay firefighter show. Unfortunately I was spoiled by the episode's ending courtesy of Tumblr but nothing could've ever prepared me for how infuriating things would get. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning. This reaction is for the season 8, sixth episode "Confessions" which originally aired November 7th, 2024. The episode was written by Andrew Meyers and directed by Life Goes On and Pretty Little Liars actor, Chad Lowe! Spoilers ahead!

Best plot?

This week's episode focuses on a handful of our main characters. We finally get some time with Eddie and we get a bonkers storyline involving Buck and Tommy. However, it is Maddie and Chimney's plot that is my favorite. A few episodes ago, Hen and Karen regained custody of Mara which means Jee-Yun is back to being an only child. Maddie laments that Jee-Yun is having trouble adjusting to a life where Mara isn't her big sister anymore even though the two see quite a bit of each other. She suggests having a second child but Chimney has some trepidation about having another kid.  During an emergency involving a little kid getting stuck in a drain pipe a la "Eddie Begins", Chimney consoles his older brother who blames himself for his little brother wandering off and winding up in a dangerous situation. The little boy (played by Tiberius Byrd) volunteers himself to be lowered down in the pipe so he can pull his absolutely adorable baby brother out of the drain. Afterwards, Chimney warms to the idea of having a little brother or sister for Jee-Yun.

In their final scene, Chimney and Maddie have a raw and open conversation regarding their concerns about having another child. Chimney tearfully tells Maddie that if she is ever feeling sad or overwhelmed, she needs to come to him. She doesn't get to leave or try to figure it out on her own. He asks for total and complete transparency. Wow! I think we sometimes forget that while Maddie is a trauma magnet, Chimney has been right there since the beginning experiencing those tragedies with her. He went through the Doug situation with her. He spent six months raising Jee-Yun on his own while looking for Maddie. For him, having another child could send Maddie back down that same dark path again.

Now Maddie has some conditions of her own. She tells Chimney that they can't go into her pregnancy acting like she's broken. Oh, and yes you read that correctly. Maddie is pregnant! Yay!!! This is the best thing to come out of the episode and it makes me excited for this couple. Hopefully this time around, things will be much better for them.

Best emergency sequence?

We got three emergency sequences this episode but the best by far is the one involving veteran actor Jonathan Silverman. The Weekend at Bernie's and more recently Goosebumps actor plays a man named Walter Schaffer who is in the middle of a nasty divorce. His soon-to-be ex-wife, Liza Schaffer (played by Silverman's real-life wife Jennifer Finnigan) points out that Walter sneezes when he's lying and Walter has been sneezing a LOT! As things reach a boiling point between the two, Walter lets out one last sneeze which causes his stomach to split open and his guts to fall out. I really wish I could've taken a picture of my mom when this happened, She hasn't been this horrified by a 9-1-1 show since Owen Strand decided to perform CPR on a man frozen solid by his cryotherapy chamber. 

This whole scene is mostly played for laughs even though Walter has been eviscerated. After last episode's gut-wrenching accident involving Denny Wilson, it was nice to have a low stakes emergency. Also, it was good to see Jonathan Silverman. I love when they bring veteran actors in to have them perform these small roles. It's one of the reasons I like Ryan Murphy shows so much. He always pays homage to the legends. Oh, and Walter is okay. Even though he spilled his guts, he's still a creep! You made the right decision, Liza!

Episode MVP?

This was a tough one. None of our main characters did anything particularly outstanding this week. This episode is giving filler but I still enjoyed it. However, since I do need to pick someone to be this week's MVP, I'm going to choose everyone's favorite dispatcher - Josh Russo. Josh mostly serves as comic relief in this series but I thought what he had to say to Buck was particularly noteworthy. As someone who is part of the pre-Glee world. I relate so hard to what people like Josh and Tommy have gone through as gay men. I graduated in the early-2000s and even though life was much improved for LGBTQ+ people than let's say the 70s, 80s, and 90s, I still didn't feel comfortable coming out until my late-20's. Buck's coming out was so simple and much of that is due in part to the queer people that came before him. I'm sure someone like Josh had a difficult time prior to coming out and Tommy went as far as getting into a serious relationship with a woman before he finally made the decision to come out. Had the end of this episode gone a lot differently, I think Josh's monologue would be even better. I also love that he called Buck in instead of calling him out. I wish we got more scenes with Josh and Buck because as of right now they are the only two queer male characters on the show. 

 BuckTommy Corner

I've been dreading writing this part of the reaction mostly because it might be the last BuckTommy Corner we ever get. A lot of fellow shippers online seem to think that we may see Buck and Tommy reunite but the ending of this episode has me convinced that we aren't getting the BuckTommy endgame many of you have been asking for since the two first touched lips. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself again.

After last episode's stellar development of Buck and Tommy's relationship, this episode's writer decided to burn it all down. Our first scene between Buck and Tommy finds them back where it all began. It's their six-month anniversary and Tommy has gotten Buck basketball tickets. Things seem to be going swimmingly between the two of them until some hot blonde comes over and asks Buck to take a picture of her and her friends. Buck seems very awkward by the situation but Tommy assures him it's okay for him to find other women attractive. Whew! Crisis averted! I was so sure this was going to be the conflict of the episode.

Then we get Tommy admitting to Buck that he is a Kinsey scale six which means he's g-g-gay ... even though once upon a time he was engaged to a 9-1-1 dispatcher with the most amazing hair. Yes, folks, Tommy Kinard was engaged to Abby Clark. Tommy mentions that after he ended things, Abby went on to date a himbo. Buck is completely shooketh by this revelation and goes to his sister for advice. This is where we get the fantastic monologue from Josh. Buck decides to come clean to Tommy and figures that this changes nothing about their relationship.

Tommy apologizes for calling Buck a himbo and the latter asks Tommy to move in with him. Then everything goes to absolute shit. Tommy spouts some bullshit about being Buck's first (male) relationship but he will not be his last. Tommy says he doesn't want to get his heart broken again and then throws up the deuces to a very confused Buck. I'm sorry, y'all! What in the absolute hell just happened! I don't know who that man was. I know he looked like Lou Ferrigno Jr. playing Tommy Kinard but it's like some alien took over Tommy's body during this scene. This is not the same man we have gotten to know over the few seasons. Yes, Tommy did have some reservations about getting into a relationship with Buck so soon after his coming out but they squashed all of that way back in 7x05. Since then, these two have been building something amazing only to have it blown up so unceremoniously at the end of this episode.

Now, as I mentioned prior, the ending to this episode was spoiled. After learning about the breakup, I immediately went to the BuckTommy Reddit and learned that others were as similarly confused as I was. To make matters worse, it appears that Lou Ferrigno Jr, is as equally flummoxed by the decision to end things as the viewers, which is not a good look for the show. Why give us all that development in "Masks" only for Tommy to exit stage left. Thankfully, Lou announced that he will be returning to S.W.A.T. so I'm comforted that I will get to see him again in a skin-tight black T-shirt. One thing I will say about Lou is the man stays working. Check out his IMDb. He may not be the series lead but he stays working and he will continue to work because he seems to be an extremely competent and professional actor. 

The end of this episode left a bad taste in my mouth and I'm not just saying that because of the BuckTommy breakup. I've somewhat suspected that things have not been good with this show for a very long time but as long as I got scenes with Buck and Tommy, I was willing to keep going. This show is in its eighth season and we keep putting these characters through the same paces. Eddie's still trying to figure out how to be a good dad to Christopher seven seasons later. Maybe the show is getting a bit stale? I dunno. This episode just felt less fun for some reason. Perhaps I need to watch it again.

With that said, I will continue to watch 9-1-1 because I do love the characters on this show and the actors that play them. Oh, and by the way, please do not give Lou or Oliver any hate for simply playing what was written for them. Also, a lot of you are upset with Oliver and calling him biphobic. Now, do I think he said some problematic things in the last interview he did? Yes. Do I think he needs to be nailed to the cross for it? Absolutely not! I think we as viewers and members of the LGBTQ+ community need to take a page out of the Book of Josh and start calling people in instead of calling people out. We are very reactionary people and I totally get it. Being part of a marginalized group (or two, or three) especially here in America is rough and we find ways to protect ourselves to prevent harm from being inflicted on us. With that said, I believe it is quite possible to take an ally to task without potentially alienating them. As an elder, millennial gay, I think that's something we can all get better at! Until next time ...

[critter-genfic-events]

Hurt/Comfort Fic Recs!

This week, we have thirteen hurt/comfort fics recced! Some emotional hurt/comfort, some physical whump, and sometimes combinations of the two. Check them out under the cut, and as ever, comment or kudos if you like them!

those that crawl and flutter towards the sun by vietbluecoeur (vietbluefic) (6163,Not Rated) Warnings: Major Character Death, Very Mild Insect Imagery, Mortality and Discussions Thereof, Sad & Gentle Ending Pairings: Jester Lavorre & Essek Thelyss

Essek has always been warned not to touch the creatures, called the in’luthin, "insects" with a lifespan of three days, but what harm is there in just looking? And anyways, when has Essek ever been one to listen?

Reccer says: From the very first words, this fic has such a luxurious weight to it. Some of the Mighty Nein appear, but this is definitively a story between AroAce Essek and AroAce Jester as bittersweet as the tags imply, only less bitter and more longing, and definitely, definitely sweet.

Spit, elbow grease, and a whole lot of gold by Multifandom_damnation (2006,Teen) Warnings: None Pairings: Ashton Greymoore & Milo Krook

The Nobodies dump Ashton off on Milo's table, and Milo does his best to fix him

Reccer says: Milo voices all of my rage at Ashton's treatment wonderfully. The fic also does a great job of managing the actual process of fixing him, along with all of the emotions involved as well

Philia, Is That You? by Professor_Rye (2034,General) Warnings: None Pairings: Yasha & Mollymauk

Yasha gets hurt protecting Mollymauk from assholes, and the Mollymauk helps Yasha make sure she's actually okay

Reccer says: QPRs my beloved

Crowned Teeth (or, An Offering Revoked) by fruitzbat (130570,Mature) Warnings: Frank depictions of PTSD/galley slavery Pairings: Kingsley Tealeaf/Original Character

Kingsley is mutinied against and sold into slavery halfway across the world. He breaks out, finds out the mutiny was the inside job to end all inside jobs, and makes his survival everyone else's problem.

Reccer says: I really, really like the way that this series explores different kinds of hurt and trauma, and how those kinds of hurt affect people's relationships and self-image. The first and second fics in the series are the most direct about the subject, but the third has a lot about what it means to lose a parental figure and complicated grief/trauma response stuff that I found really refreshing. Characters are messy and non-linear in their healing, and do their best to take care of each other. There's a lot of...I don't know how to say this, but a very no-bullshit look at the concept of the power of love that is this through-thread through the stories. Anyway, I really like them.

Trust by silversky (403,General) Warnings: None Pairings: Caleb & Nott

Nott is sick and delirious, but thankfully there is someone there to make sure she's okay.

Reccer says: the fic is very soft and warm

Scar Tissue by Belphegor (0,Teen) Warnings: scars, canon-typical violence, reference to main character death (and resurrection) Pairings: Scanlan Shorthalt/Pike Trickfoot

Sometimes surviving means learning to live with the scars that killed you. Pike knows a lot about that. Scanlan is still learning. (a little comics set a bit post-Campaign 1.)

Reccer says: Author here - sorry, I usually don't shamelessly self-plug like that, but I set out to write and draw post-campaign 1 hurt/comfort dealing with Pike's and Scanlan's different resurrection-related traumas, and I poured my entire heart into it. (turns out making comics is hard but totally worth it.)

I've Held You in the Plan by CitizenMocha (4015,Teen) Warnings: None Pairings: Vex & Vax

After all is said and done with the Apogee Solstice and its aftermath, Vox Machina free Vax from the Malleus Key. The twins are reunited. Rest, reflection, and a revelation about what happens next ensue.

Reccer says: Vex's grief is palpable throughout the entire fic, even as--especially as, actually--she's reunited with Vax. It's a heartaching yet triumphant look at what might happen when the events of C3 are all said and done. There's so many little details woven in that serve to make it pack even more of a punch ("Vax Speed" does so many things to my heart) and the dynamic between all of Vox Machina is wonderful as well.

The Night is Starting to Ache by CitizenMocha (3872,General) Warnings: None Pairings: Gwendolyn De Rolo & Vax De Rolo & Percy De Rolo

Set after episode 76 of campaign 3. It's the middle of the night and Gwendolyn is afraid to sleep.

Reccer says: I loved this glimpse of an older Percy as a loving, indulgent father doing his best to comfort his child.

maybe then my breath could embody by lunarblazes (1331,Teen) Warnings: None Pairings: Caduceus & Calliope Clay

Calliope and Caduceus have a fun bonding moment about the fucked up shit that happens when you leave home

Reccer says: There's so many little details I love in this, it's perfectly in character, and I love their sibling not-quite-comforting each other dynamic

a garden in the stars by wanderingBasilisk (2264,General) Warnings: None Pairings: Caduceus & Fjord

Caduceus stays back on the Nein's spaceship while the others run errands on a space station. When Fjord gets overstimulated from the crowds there, Jester brings him back to the ship and to Cad, who knows just what his friend needs.

Reccer says: It's very atmospheric (the description of the garden on board the Nein Heroez is So Evocative) and the familiarity and care between Cad and Fjord is so lovely and sweet. The time they've spent together and the comfort of a well-worn routine is apparent throughout the whole fic and comes together in the sweetest way.

Canities Subita: An Exploration of Self-Image by oversteepedearlgrey (1760,Teen) Warnings: Choose not to warn Pairings: Percy & Vox Machina

Percy hates looking in the mirror. He keeps his hair short and out of his face. He can’t wear his glasses during haircuts, and he certainly can’t be the one cutting it. It takes a creek, a bear, and a panic attack to find out why.

Reccer says: Percy is wonderful for hurt comfort, but I love the way that this is handling something that is more emotionally distressing than physically painful.

A Pirate's Bounty of Gold Doubloons by bluegreenamber (1823,Mature) Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence Pairings: Kingsley & Yussa

Kingsley hadn't been expecting any company today, especially not a powerful (and injured) elven wizard seeking refuge.

Reccer says: It's a really fun pairing!

Miles to Go by Crewe (3621,Teen) Warnings: None Pairings:

After a grueling battle, Vox Machina is hours away from the nearest cleric racing to get an unconscious Keyleth to Pike before poison takes its toll. Scanlan is hiding an injury to keep attention on Keyleth. It’s maybe a little worse than he expected.

Reccer says: Lovely fic where everyone is perfectly in-character, and the humour and tension are balanced just right, as are the worry and deflection (on both sides). Special mention to the Scanlan & Grog and Vex & Scanlan pairings, those add just the necessary acid-sweet icing on the h/c cake!

This is one of our weekly communally-generated gen rec lists. Every week we announce a new theme and allow anyone to submit a fic recommendation. Please note that the summary and content notes are provided by the reccer, and may be different than what the author has provided. Please assume good intentions all around. <3

And hey, anyone includes you!

Next week, we'll be featuring Yasha!

Then, it'll be clothes, time skip/future fics, and pranks!

Any fics coming to mind?  Well, then use this form to submit!

If you're looking for some more, check out some fics written in the critter genfic bingo tag, or the older rec lists! Or you can request your own card and join in on the fun!

[nghtwngs]

while you fall (i’ll be there to catch you in my arms)

description: dick grayson comforts you on a lonely night as you pour your heart out to him.

pairing: batman!dick grayson x vigilante!reader

genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers

word count: 0.8k

warnings: trauma dumping, loneliness, dick grayson is batman, minor reference to detective comics #877

a/n: i’ve been reading the black mirror and dick said something that made me go “i’m gonna write this”—i totally forgot this was in my drafts (it’s been a year), but i just reread it, and wow this is actually good enough to post, especially since the new season has started airing. i hope you find comfort in this as much as i did.

“I’ve always been a people-watcher, Dick,” you murmur. Your arms are curled around your knees as you stare blankly into the abyss of the city below from your room.

The midnight black buries the buildings, but the bright neons light up Gotham a little even at its darkest hour. It’s the only source of light in here, bathing both you and Dick in its glow. He’s taken the spot next to you on the floor where you’re both leaned against the side of your bed. It rains again, a soft pitter-patter against your windows.

“I watch people too,” he says, but you know he means it differently.

“Not the way I do.”

You feel his intrusive gaze on you and the way he tries not to analyze you like he does everyone else. He’s failing, but you appreciate it anyway. He tries to understand without seeing you as another case he has to solve. Like he’s still Detective Grayson even after his time in Blüdhaven became nothing more than a memory. It’s instinctual though, a habit that he couldn’t get rid of. Neither of you could after all these years jumping city skylines.

Your eyes never shift away from the little dots moving outside. “Analyzing people is one thing, watching them is another. And I’ve been watching them for as long as I can remember. I watched them play games with each other on the playground, laugh together at lunch, click in a way I never could.

“Then, I started watching them in a different way. We read them. We can calculate their every move. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized how different those two things were. I always watched people enjoy life instead of living it. I never say what I want to say. I hesitate. I always hesitate, but never when I’m wearing the mask. Never when I’m out jumping rooftops in Gotham. Those moments… you can’t hesitate.”

Dick is used to being watched. He’s always going to be one of the main acts of the show whether or not it was a circus performance. He always knows how to put on a good show. That’s what he does best. And you would always be the one watching from sidelines as the audience. Sometimes, in the back of your mind, you’d be wishing that it was you falling off that trapeze.

You exhale, rubbing your eyes. “You’ve always been in the middle of everything. I’m not sure if I’m jealous of that or what. I don’t think I am? It seems… like a lot. Sometimes though, I wonder what it’d be like to be the center of things for a while.” You blow out a shaky breath, blinking away the water in your eyes. “I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. It all sounds so stupid coming out.”

You realize your mistake now. You’re letting someone take a glimpse of you, the you behind all the sarcasm and blank eyes and silence. Your eyes squeeze shut. You are being too much. No one likes too much.

“No,” he answers softly. “It doesn’t.” A few moments of silence pass, followed by his voice again. “Can I… hug you?”

You stare at him like he’s just asked you if the moon is really made out of cheese. But his eyes are so earnest, so caring, and so warm that you find yourself landing in Dick’s arms right away, burying your head in his shoulder. His arms wrap around your torso. You don’t even realize you were shaking until his voice comes out in small whispers.

It’s okay. You’re doing great.

It only manages to make you cry harder, your sobs being muffled by his skin. It feels good to let go. Pretending is getting tiring.

Your throat is hoarse now. It sounds like sandpaper. Feels like it. Your eyes lock onto the wall behind him. All the emotion is being drained now, seeping through the cotton of Dick’s white t-shirt and into his warm skin.

The next words that escape your mouth are unexpected by the both of you. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt loved.” You feel him stiffen underneath you as you continue, “I want to feel seen, heard.”

“Can I love you then?” he murmurs without missing a beat, hand rubbing your back gently. “Can I make you feel loved? I’ll make you feel so loved.”

He makes it sound like such an honor. Like loving you is the single most important thing he could be doing, and you know that to not be true. But the way he’s holding you makes you feel differently. It makes you feel like everything would be okay with him.

You guess that it’s just the Dick Grayson effect. He could make you feel like falling out of the sky is completely safe because he’d be right there on the ground to catch you.

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t think I’ve been more sure of anything in my life,” he answers. Dick presses a chaste kiss to your temple.

“Never?”

“Nope. Never.” He holds you tighter and smiles at you. He looks like an angel. He looks like your savior. “I’ve always been sure about you.”

[leonenjoyer69]

Not sure if you have much left in you But- *Ramble Card* You will be bombarded at least one more time, By me. Today. Right now.

AFTER WEEKS THE RAMBLE GODS HAVE ALLOWED ME TO ANSWER THIS, SO I PRESENT A LORE DROP FOR WHOLE JEKYLL, MY LITTLE GUY HARRY, BC I'VE BEEN NEGLECTING HIM 💔💔 SO!!! LONG RAMBLE/INFO DUMP UNDER THE CUT >:3

OKAY SO, WHOLE JEKYLL, RIGHT? HARRY? MY LITTLE GUY? Basically a combined/whole (wow how well I named him) Jekyll (technincally he IS the original Jekyll, but yeah) with more steps and extra trauma 🥰 originally he was just gonna stay trapped in the mind and such, but hey, with everything going on in the comic rn I think he can totally break out, and the wonderful @lesbianturrets (ILY CHARLIE) keeps inadvertently giving me such great ideas! (Also I may have made art of Harry gaining control on a whim, ill share that once it's done >:3)

Yeah, he eventually gains control (sometime during chapter 15, probably after Jekyll recouncils with Frankenstein, bc that kinda breaks the mind Frankenstein-- just like what happened to Mind Lanyon-- and then a transformation happens where Harry, Among the Mindscape that's been collapsing for days, is finally able to get control.) Said transformation happens and from the mirror Jekyll tells Hyde to "give it a rest already because there's nothing that he can do" and then Hyde pops up in the mirror beside him and is basically like "mf that ain't me!!" (Man I really wanna draw this) Cue confusion and more chaos because then who is in control right now? Meanwhile, a body that looks MOSTLY like Jekyll is freaking tf out, mumbling in Scots and trying to get his bearings bc holy shit he's real again. Jekyll and Hyde both try to talk to this guy but he's completely ignoring them, and after a bit of trying to regain control, Jekyll and Hyde eventually dip into the Mindscape to discuss things and figure out who tf that is.

Meanwhile, now that Harry is in control, he's gotta deal with everything going on. Lanyon shows up and begins trying to get in, to which Harry pleads (with his scots accent, further concerning Lanyon) for him not to come in, and that everything's alright. Once Lanyon does get in, Harry has to use the excuse of a potion falling on him to explain his hair and eyes. Harry's forced to go out and deescalate and fix everything, jumpy and paranoid af. (Bonus points, after fixing everything and finally being able to "settle down" for the day he apologizes profusely to Lanyon about leaving him and shit.) Harry's main goal now is to keep control (he avoids sleeping as much as he can, though Lanyon certainly has something to say and do about that) and find a way to reverse the formula, which he'll probably try to get help with from Frankenstein.

Also!! While Harry's real and in control, he can still vaguely see the strings, but no one else can. They're basically an illusion, like the nightmare creatures (which he still has to deal with, though he's somewhat more used to them) and he can still feel them tug and such, but can resist the pulling. When Jekyll and/or Hyde fight really hard for control, Harry's heart also goes crazy, like Jekylls did during the exhibition. ADDITIONALLY, Harry is also VERY sensitive to physical sensations, since he's been trapped in the mind so long with most all feeling numbed, he's practically hypersensitive now. (Bonus points, he seeks out physical contact a lot from Lanyon, since it brings him an all-encompasing warmth and somewhat calms him, LET THEM BE HAPPY AND GAY!!)

In the Mindscape, Jekyll and Hyde probably find Harry's journal(s) and figure out that they're BOTH incomplete pieces, and that this "Harry" is their whole version. Like, you know how you can delete a path on a computer and it won't know how to get to that file any more, despite it still being there? And you have to physically tell it again where it is? Yeah, Well the path to Jekylls whole, completed state has been reestablished.

Anyways, they'll probably fight or talk for a while, wander around the Mindscape looking for ways to get out/gain control again (bonus points if they let the nightmares out again) (more bonus points if Jekyll finds his silly whiteboard again and starts doing his little thing, while Hyde groans and complains the whole time).

Eventually they do get back to the consciousness and are able to hang out in mirrors and such again. Harry actually talks to them this time bc he's alone, about what, you may ask? Idk lmao. Harry's already mostly fixed things for the day and is pouring over research books again, pages of messy writing already covering the table. Probably tells them that he intends on reversing the potion because he can't keep living trapped, split into two halves that won't stop fighting.

Anyways!!!! Thank you for the ramble card teehee, just took me literal weeks to think of something to ramble about 💀💀 BUT!! IF ANYONE WANTS TO ASK ANYTHING SPECIFIC ABOUT HARRY (OR ELIAS) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T HESITATE, I LOVE MY BABIES AND I NEED TO STOP NEGLECTING THEM <333

[ladyluscinia]

BLACKHANDS GIRLIES WE ARE REALLY IN IT NOW!!!

(aka Lady's OFMD 2x01 - 2x03 BlackHands rambling)

Link to the general non-BlackHands thoughts.

Screaming. Whooping. Cheering. *Singsong voice* My fucked up pirate husbands had mutual love confessions while the main fucked up pirate husbands are "on a break" after admitting they made each other happy! AAAAHHHHHH!!! Can't murder-suicide the other half of yourself! I am winning!!!

ADJSKLDFSKJFKDL

Ok. Deep breaths. This will be rambling but coherently (<- lying)

---

Breakup Boat - Izzy's Version

Fuck, I said in my general thoughts post that the extremities of Edward's cruelty & Edward's suicidal pursuit were working well, and nowhere is that more noticeable than in what Edward and Izzy have going on.

So in the timeskip between S1 and S2 we find out Edward has been raiding ships at a breakneck pace, uncaringly trauma bonding his crew (R.I.P. Ivan), going hard on murder & booze & drugs, and tormenting Izzy to the point my guy is literally having a breakdown in front of the crew. He lost the 1st toe for threatening to resign and accidentally setting off a Stede-hurt timebomb, and Edward goes to take a 4th because Izzy doesn't convince his whole crew to happily dump their pay in the ocean. "Threaten me again" has become "Give me any excuse" it seems, and Izzy has been complying. 😬 Edward (casually): "Take your boot off." 😬 Earlier Edward offers him rhino horn, too, and Izzy just says "No, not right now" leading Edward to call him a "lightweight", so I'm thinking Edward hasn't had exclusive rights to substance abuse as a means of coping, either. (Note: the rhino horn itself does nothing, so the substance abuse is booze and any actual drugs he's gotten his hands on.)

Oh, and they didn't include the shot where Edward throws a knife at Izzy? Did it just get cut, or are we getting flashbacks with more conversation later?

Going to rewatch the end of 1x10, Izzy's "smile" at declaring Blackbeard was back lasts a fraction of a second and looks just like his "everything is totally fine I swear" grimace-smiles from the beginning of the episode, so I think it's pretty safe to say Izzy did not ask for this and hasn't thought everything was fine for a single second since.

The Breakup Boat atmosphere is definitely fucked.

Now, personally, I'm still of the opinion we're not supposed to read this as a version of a domestic abuse arc (even with the intervention talk). (EDIT: clarifying thoughts and phrasing.) Because they still inject too much of it with humor and I can't imagine Edward comfortably coming out the other side at a happy ending if we frame it that way. Like there's black comedy and then there's "Wait, we're really just laughing this off?" I think horrific domestic abuse of your ex-situationship in a romance counts as the latter. But I do think it's revealed to be functioning as something adjacent - namely Edward's depression and suicidal tendencies have massively spiked post-Stede and he's actively seeking to a) confirm his own belief that he's unlovable, and b) get killed so everything stops hurting.

And Izzy? Izzy loves him and wants him alive. Worst thing Edward could hear right now.

Like oh my GOD IZZY LOVES HIM. As soon as Izzy hits his breaking point and realizes the crew have his back, he's emboldened to go stand up for them and himself to Edward. (He has been defending them already - the pre-intervention conversation open with him quietly alluding that they need a break - but this is more.) He ignores the boot order, ignores the threat, and finally asks the damn question:

"Who am I to you?"

This is where my linear coherency falls apart btw 🥴

---

Who KNOWS You?

"We've worked together for years. You know me better than anyone has ever known me, and I daresay the same is true for me about you. I have... love for you, Edward."

Oh fuck backstory implications oh FUCK.

Ok, I've already seen the posts doubling down on Izzy realizing he doesn't know Edward at all and I'm drawing my line in the sand. That's bullshit. That line there? That's straight truth.

To quote my own posts:

People will act like you are making bold and unsubstantiated claims if you say Izzy likes Edward as a person not just as Blackbeard, but I find the notion that “Blackbeard” as a human guy you live down the hall from is somehow substantially different / distant enough from the real Edward 24/7 that only liking Blackbeard is plausible to be a very bold claim.

(That conclusion comes from this post, but Izzy knowing Edward vs Stede knowing Edward was also a major point in my original overarching Edward Meta from Season 1.)

Of course Izzy knows Edward. He knows his talents and his weaknesses. He knows the shifts in his mood, his favorite foods to find in a hold, what tasks he used to pass off as often as possible. He talks about work with him because they live on a ship. Their state of dysfunction when we meet them doesn't negate that knowing.

Knowing each other so well actually made their dysfunction worse. Let them escalate more than two people less intimate could have managed, while also exacerbating their misjudgements into ruinous disasters. Izzy didn't know - probably in part didn't want to know - Edward was falling hard for Stede so fast. Edward didn't know or want to know that Izzy was reaching a breaking point for their relationship.

But still, crucially, Izzy did know Edward well enough to clock that something was fundamentally wrong in 1x10, and he knows what's wrong now. He knows Edward is hurting him and hurting the crew because Edward himself is hurting, and the whole point of this "I'm worried about you" talk is to try and fix it.

Unfortunately, Izzy has Stede so unspoken at the front of his mind that he accidentally quotes the man, and that sets Edward off on his interrogation / further terrorizing the crew Izzy is trying to stand up for. Which is why Izzy finally makes his choice to stop talking around the issue...

"The atmosphere on this ship is fucked. Everyone knows why." -> "Your feelings for Stede fucking Bonnet."

...and then Edward shoots his leg out. Not even looking at him.

Jump ahead. Edward says to Frenchie, "The new First Mate always kills the old First Mate. It's always been like that." - Has it though? Because that has some wild implications for Izzy murdering someone to secure his spot in Edward's circle of trust (...hot). And some interesting gaps for Edward if he was ever a first mate under Hornigold or anyone else. Or is this just him fucking with Frenchie because he knows "Trust is king. And queen. Trust is everything" is bullshit? Go, repression boy, go. Who am I talking about? Both. Both is good.

And then of course we get:

"Did you think I wouldn't know the smell of my rotting former First Mate?"

Knows him by the smell of blood and infection. By the avoidant look in his crew's eye. By the fact he doesn't know Izzy is dead. Their relationship is rot and ruin by his own hand but he would NEVER assume Izzy's dead until he knows.

"He was your friend," Jim spits in Edward's face.

Edward wakes up Izzy and even delirious, literal seconds after realizing he's down a leg, Izzy knows what Edward wants the moment he flips the gun. And he wants nothing to do with it.

He knows he can't. Won't. No matter how much Edward openly wants him to pull the trigger. (Edward knows him well enough to doubt, too. It's real convenient that his final staging has Izzy looking at the back of his head. No chance of his face giving anything away.)

Izzy's absolutely brutal in his assessment, trying to give some hurt back, but he's not wrong:

"Ohhhh. Oh, are you scared, Eddie? Too scared to do it yourself, eh? Go on, clean up your own fucking mess. I'm not doing it, I've been doing it all my fucking life. Fuck off."

All his fucking life.

I have to wonder... is this a conversation they've had before? Echoes of one? Izzy has a tactic here - dismissal. Refuse to play along with Edward's melodrama. Treat "I dreamt that you killed me" as though he's throwing a snit like a toddler. "Good for you" could have sounded like a question egging him on, but it comes out flat. A sarcastic sneer. Edward has always thought he'd go out with more of a bang. Loves a good fuckery. In his Purgatory he desperately wants Hornigold to recognize how unique and over the top his mutiny was. Not like those ordinary mutinies. Even his imagined death is being pitched over the highest bluff tied to a rock???

Izzy knows Edward is serious or he wouldn't be so fraught and sobbing as he laughs, but his words don't treat him as serious. Maybe a bit of derision has been effective at ruining the fantasy before? Suicide of a great leader is just so banal, you know? Quit daydreaming and pull off an impossible fix.

(Maybe "Fuck off" normally doesn't end the conversation, but starts the real one?)

Also "Eddie". First off of Izzy's lips at his cruelest, then Hornigold's. We heard it in S1 right before Edward committed to becoming the Kraken. At the time I thought he was bristling at the disrespect - "Eddie" is not "just Edward" - but maybe Frenchie stepped on a bigger landmine than we thought. Edward is so particular about names, and Izzy knows all the rules best, doesn't he?

Either way... This time the conversation ends with Edward leaving. "Farewell, old chum," he says without turning around. And when he hears the gunshot, he's not surprised.

Edward knows Izzy, too. Knows that the farewell may count as "closure" but Izzy is only going to take the ending one way. Izzy lifting the gun to his temple was the inevitable result of leaving that room. It takes seconds. Edward is still rising out of the stairwell when it happens.

We can't talk about knowing without touching on Purgatory, where Edward goes to know himself.

Lots of interesting stuff about Edward modeling his toxic spiral off of Hornigold as the fucked up example from his past. Probably where he picked up a lot of his piracy philosophy too. But the really juicy bit related to Izzy is the spectre of Hornigold confronting him about killing his dad and Edward's instinctive:

"I've never told anyone about that."

Hornigold calls him out for telling Stede, but it seems pretty likely that Stede is the only one he's ever had the conversation with.

However.

I still think Izzy knows. Hornigold even tells us how:

"A grown man covered in tattoos? Eh? With daddy issues?"

Edward didn't tell Izzy, and Izzy didn't ask for confirmation. But Edward will tell a whole crew of strangers about "the Kraken" killing his dad to win best ghost story. And that his dad was a dick. Izzy, who Edward loves and trusts and "outsources the big job" to, would not have much trouble connecting the dots between any version of that story / troubled childhood anecdotes / Edward's issues with killing / Edward's daddy issues.

I sincerely doubt "killed your abusive old man" is even an uncommon pirate backstory.

Izzy does know Edward - at his best and worst and everything in between. Knows him better than anyone. Suspects with certainty his darkest secret.

Izzy knows Edward, and Edward knows Izzy, and that's why everything fundamentally quakes for Edward in this self-destructive rampage when Izzy breaks their unspoken rule and tells him that he loves him.

---

Who LOVES You?

Jumping back to the (first!) literal, actual love confession we got, let's talk phrasing. Because yeah there's love there, but at the moment there's also a lot of other stuff.

"I have... love for you, Edward."

This is such a passive way of confessing, and there's the long pause as Izzy forces it out. People have attributed it to repression, or feeling ashamed of his love for Edward, or just not wanting to push it on him. I think "love" isn't a word they use out loud, so saying it is hard, but I also think Izzy's being passive because at the moment it does just feel like he "has" love. He doesn't want to actively feel it or offer it up right now, not with the complicated knot of anger and hurt and, tbh, probably some of his own depression. He "has" love because, despite everything, he still loves Edward.

And he does, is the thing! The whole goddamn reason Izzy is here, still trying to be a support for Edward is because he loves him. Literally anybody else would have left by now, or killed Edward, considering he's actively trying to push Izzy to the breaking point. And even at said point, when Izzy's finally standing up for himself, he offers Edward another chance to realize he's loved.

Edward starts dismissing him the moment he says the l-word, but Izzy continues:

"I'm worried about you - we all are. The atmosphere on this ship is completely poisoned. But if we could all just, maybe... talk it through?"

Izzy knows what's wrong and while he didn't originally think Stede was that important to Edward, he's put it together by now. And he's a huge fan of trying to talk through their problems, tries it multiple times even in the peak communication failure / stress powderkeg of S1, so of course he tries one last time to get Edward to accept he's not alone.

Instead, he accidentally invokes the ghost of Stede Bonnet and reminds Edward why he's doing all of this in the first place. Reminds him that he is unlovable while having the audacity to confess to loving him.

So Edward makes a big show of going out on deck, shoots Izzy in the leg, and tells Frenchie to get rid of him.

Frenchie doesn't, naturally.

And when Edward finds the crew saving the man who he just shot for daring to love him - because of course they are, he's their dick now - well... "He was your friend," Jim spits in his face, having just been thinking about their best friend (who they are more than a little bit in love with 👀).

How long do we think Edward stands there, looking at what he's wrought? How long does he sit at Izzy's bedside, looking at him "rather still" while he weighs if the missing leg proves his point where the toes didn't?

And you know Izzy's love is so bone deep and rooted in that it's unconditional by this point, because Edward did NOT prove his fucking point. Nothing he's done so far is enough to get the man who loves him to pull the fucking trigger. Down 3 toes and then a leg, asking first thing whether Edward was there for the other one, and STILL. STILL IZZY IS HEARTBROKEN AT THE REALIZATION THAT EDWARD IS READY TO END IT FOR REAL.

Still he won't pull the trigger himself. Not on Edward, at least.

And only after Izzy is gone can Edward return the words.

"I loved you. Best I could."

*screaming crying tearing at the walls*

He loved him.

HE LOVED HIM.

Edward's perspective of his relationships is fundamentally warped. Alongside his self-image. Probably has been for most of his life, going back to the self-hatred he ties to killing his dad. Stede leaving hurt him immensely (and predictably, Stede) in ways Stede will have to own up to, but it was Edward's own unaddressed issues - independent of Stede AND Izzy - that determined the appropriate response to that hurt was "realize that vulnerability and hope are lies and every dark voice in the back of your mind ever was telling the truth, actually."

Edward's conviction that nobody loves him and that he's not capable of successfully loving someone back is literally his depression talking. It is not rationally based in the reality of his life or relationships, Stede or otherwise. He may even have successfully beat back the sentiment for most of his life, with that getting harder and harder as time went on.

(He's expressed this kind of depressive-episode-driven warped view before, btw, and they explicitly parallel it in Purgatory just for me! The flashbacks of the bathtub scene while he attacks the spectre of Hornigold are my huge W in that episode. "It all boils down to this - you're afraid you're unlovable", said by the actual manifestation of Edward's suicidal self-hatred in Purgatory, is the new "That's why I don't have any friends." I think it's fair to question if he was a reliable narrator of his experiences back then, too. Jim and the crew certainly think he had at least one friend.)

Basically, "Best I could" now can mean a lot of things before. Young Izzy and Edward could have been much healthier than they are at present. Probably were, to be honest. It wasn't enough to save them from going sour, but it could explain why they've stuck together so long even as it has.

Izzy loves Edward. Edward loves Izzy.

LOVE LOSES. BUT LOVE WINS 😭😭😭

---

Kraken Era = Murder-Suicide, but Edward Wants to be the Murdered One

So, uh... *scrambling for notes* Where am I going with this? Fuck, I'm not even writing it linearly... OK!

Izzy KNOWS Edward - knows him going back ages, has seen his darkest and weakest moments - and even after 3 toes and a stress breakdown he still LOVES him enough to say it out loud (which I doubt these guys do, uh, ever). Which really throws a wrench in Edward's "Stede realized I'm inherently toxic and unlovable" theory, and prompts him to redouble his "prove to Izzy he doesn't love me" efforts by casually shooting him.

Afterward, he finally makes his passive suicidal intents explicit when talking (practically sobbing, in truth) to Frenchie:

"Never going back to land. We're gonna sail, rob, raise hell forever and ever, without end."

He's set on it, now. Izzy's potential last act was to finally rip down the illusion, give name to the hurt Edward had been running from since he first put on his Kraken makeup. So he pushes his little wedding toppers out the window, cleans himself up, and goes out to wave every single red flag imaginable for poor Frenchie's locked box.

Except it wasn't Izzy's last act, now was it?

But that's fine for Edward. That actually works better. He wants the hopeless situation to end, but he doesn't want to pull the trigger himself or he would have done it by now. After everything, surely Izzy should be ready to murder-suicide him??? He can't still love him, not after Edward so effectively proved he's exactly as toxic as his self-loathing depressive episodes say he is. It's poetic.

Edward underestimates Izzy. Knows him with his head, but the depression makes him underestimate his heart.

Edward doesn't get a bullet through the head, be hears the gun go off and - well - that's one way to spin "not even Izzy loves me any more" into a true statement.

Edward wants to live slightly more than he wants everything to end. It's the only reason he's alive. Before Izzy said Stede's name he was floating high on denial like that bird who never lands, keeping his depression and his destruction as a blast radius more than a dagger. He was lurching in the direction of dying by combat or by crew mutiny or by simple self-destructive behaviors, but he avoided thinking about anything long enough to have intent.

After Izzy's desperate attempt to intervene, Edward can't hide from his own reasoning anymore. Or his hurt. Or his self-enforced hopelessness. And with that comes aims. He has his rough night and then starts the massive red flag upswing. Cleans up. Gets ready for the big finale. He pushes Izzy with the "closure" conversation, trying to find a pressure point that will get him killed to close off the narrative with a artful bow.

Murder-suicide sounds like a fix to his problems, but he still wants to live slightly more. He still can't turn the gun on himself. He aims to be the murdered one.

After Izzy is gone, though, by Edward's own actions? That's the last straw he needs to commit in full. Thanking Frenchie? Just another final goodbye to get his affairs in order. "Take the day off, brother. Go live." The moment Izzy dies they all become dead men walking.

Thank FUCK that Edward a) still would prefer it if they snapped and murdered him / something out of his control killed him (he still wants to live), and b) still wants to die dramatically. A different man would have walked right back to his cabin and not missed.

Sidebar to appreciate the breakup boat crew some more because I love them:

Fang: "So... do we think he's better?" Jim: "Fuck no!"

Edward is ready to be the murderer with his cannon pointed at the mast, but he stalls on damning the whole crew to a watery grave (r.i.p. half of them), gives Izzy time to wake up and drag himself out to protect said crew, and then finally gets what he's been after.

Edward's motivations are already perfectly clear, but just to really hammer it in - he thinks he just drove a man he loved to suicide, and then he demands the couple he found kissing fight to the death with the reasoning:

"All love dies, I'm just hastening the process."

Jim literally just learned last season that was bullshit, my guy. It makes sense they are the one who finally puts a stop to him.

(Except the cannonball doesn't hit. There's no head wound. And Edward is alive when they take him back to the secret room, laying him out respectfully instead of letting the waves take him too. They don't even know if they'll survive. They certainly don't have anywhere to take the body, or a working ship to get there. Maybe they didn't notice because they didn't want to notice.)

(AND EDWARD STILL WANTS TO LIVE)

Both Izzy and Edward try to die. Both of them do - maybe, in the bottom of their hearts - want to live just a tiny bit more. They shoot each other. They say OUT LOUD they love each other (though Edward I swear to fuck you better say that to Izzy's face ohmygod). They are on this journey together.

BOTH OF THEM LIVE. AND NOW THEY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.

(I feel like I wanted to add stuff about Stede & Izzy meeting again but like. I don't even know. Izzy doesn't even know. Is he protecting the crew? Deflecting? Edward's dignity (-ish)? Stede's good opinion of Edward? Dealing with his own massively fucked headspace? Ask me again on Friday. Fuck.)

My fucked up guys are in toxic fucked up LOVE!!!

[lizardtheacorn]

Rare pairs aye 👉👈:

- Maine x New Jersey

- Texas x North Dakota

- FBI x Gov x CDC

- Rhode Island x Massachusetts

Enjoy :3

Gonna go through these one by one

Maine/Jersey I think is pretty cute, kinda fluffy and shi

Maine helps Jers with his road rage and forces him to shower and take care of himself more often <33

——————————————————

Texas/North Dakota I really like too :3

Texas let’s ND talk shit about SD for hours, and ND lets Texas talk shit about Oklahoma for hours (and then they cuddle after because they’re tired of talking about their least favorite people. Also I bring Oklahoma x South Dakota to the table because of this.)

——————————————————

FBI/Gov/CDC is probably my favorite out of these four

FBI getting onto Gov for not sleeping, and CDC lecturing him for 2 hours about the dangers of drinking too much caffeine and not taking any breaks

Gov has an (almost) good sleep schedule now because of them (they don’t let him get up until he’s gotten at least 7 hours of sleep)

——————————————————

Last and definitely not least, Rhode/Mass

Very teasing and affectionate relationship :3

They get to trauma dump to eachother a lot and bond through road rage <33

Mass totally acts like he’s big and mature compared to Rhode just because he’s slightly older than him

[d4rk-x-w0lf17]

Z, you can info dump about outpost S

But. Leave out the weird shit alright?

Have your fun ^^

*Inhale*

Outpost S is my main Murder Drones AU which is a continuation of Outpost 5, WHICH IS VERY MUCH NOT TUMBLR APPROPRIATE- And it revolves around mainly the solver drones and disassembly drones, who all live in an outpost together called ‘Outpost Solver’ or S for short. Cyn is their queen, and my OC Crisp is the very concerned king because EVERYBODY IN THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY IS DERANGED, TRAUMATIZED, A MANIACAL MURDERER, OR DEAD.

The WDF likes to hunt Disassemblers for sport due to having the weapons needed to kill them, and now they all kinda just- slaughter for fun. Except Makarov, Makarov takes refuge with the Solver Drones because he’s terrified of what his kind has become.

And then there Echo. All I can say is burnt chicken nugget child of N and Uzi, who does an occasional murder for somebody every once in a while. They really dislike N, because they think that he purposely left him to die in a fire, when in actuality is NOT in fact the case at all, and instead N was kinda chained down and locked up in Outpost 3 for questioning, because he’s Cyn’s brother and Cyn TOTALLY tells people plans no she doesn’t. So he eventually got out only to find his kid in a different body because their old one was completely beyond repair, and they have made no further attempt to reconcile with N, because they think it’s his fault. Anyway, i said way too much about trauma nugget.

Oh well, that’s all I wanna talk about for now.

[copiouscouples]

Random Thoughts on the First 3 Episodes of Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies

This is a FUN show.

So far I’ve liked all the music. I didn’t think I was going to like the song about the country club but darn it if I wasn’t like this is a catchy song about how terrible you all are. 🤣

I’m loving the increase in diversity that’s going on in general in tv world (although I’d love to see more characters with disabilities in media, but we’re getting more than we used to with shows like Speechless and As We See It).

That said...I think there’s two ways to handle diversity successfully in historical fiction. 1) Go the Bridgerton route - mention it, but don’t make it a major theme. 2) Make it a major theme and handle it satisfactorily - either in a realistic way or in a way that gets resolved suitably.

In these first episodes, a major theme has been Jane and her family acclimating to Rydell and community. Her mom specifically has worries about it being found out that she’s Puerto Rican. I feel like this is very period typical and an accurate representation as frustrating as it is to watch someone who doesn’t feel free to accept and rejoice in their cultural heritage. I love that Jane wants to fight back against all that, but in the last episode - I was kind of disappointed how the whole thing got resolved. She sings a song in the diner and bada bing, bada boom her mom's suddenly OK with it all. Felt a bit quick and sloppy of a fix. But this show is about Jane and not her mom’s trauma. Overall, it’s not a big deal for me. I just was slightly irked by the sloppiness of the resolution.

Olivia - The most intriguing of the Pink Ladies so far for me. We’ve got a sliver of her backstory with the teacher, but outside of that we don’t know much about her yet. Plus I want to know was she in a full on relationship with this guy or did they kiss that once and got caught?

Nancy - Another character we need more info on. I like her general don’t give an F attitude, but I’d love to see more of her deeper thoughts and emotions. We’ve got a hint at that with how much she deeply cares about college and getting into fashion, but I’d like more.

Jane - This actress is my favorite singer on the show. Her “I Want More” song is my favorite song thus far. I know she’s the main character and that’s why we know more about her. But honestly she’s not all that interesting and I wish some of her screen time was given to the other girls.

Cynthia - She had a good storyline this episode. I felt it was a bit rushed, but I think drama is a great fit for this character and Principal McGee knew exactly what she was doing.

Hazel - She was introduced this episode and we got to know a little bit about her. I do feel for her and how homesick she is. I have and always will be here for the wallflower/shy girl trope.

Richie - Things are still kind of surface level with him, but right now he’s kind of a meh character for me. I like him well enough but the show’s writing hasn’t really developed him enough for me to care about him yet.

Buddy - Likely unpopular opinion here...I don’t hate him? At least not yet. I think he’s treated Jane terribly, but I see redemptive qualities in him. The fact he feels guilt, has some sense of self-reflection, and is uncomfortable with his choices shows me we could be in for a good character arc with him.

So that end scene, right? Totally seems to be foreshadowing a Hazel/Buddy romance. How would I feel if they went down that route? It depends on the chemistry of the couple. In fictional TV land, I can excuse a lot of misbehavior (even murder) if the couple is 🔥. Rio and Beth, anyone? That was a toxic dump of a relationship but watch me with my 👀 glued every week.

This show is very much love it or hate it. I think the people that are hating on it were hoping it would be an extension of the original Grease and while it gives nods to the original content - it’s its own entity.

[lostonmari]

SUCCESS #2 - November

Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November

November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…

Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓

My mom is walking again I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.

Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.

No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗

Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY! I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀

[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]

6. WL + Maintained weight loss! I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)

Moral of the story is, never give up.

YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!

I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭