#too much to do and cant take on anymore work and how i need to pull my weight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kiritila · 3 days

Note

Are you still gonna be updating no one saw me?

this is such a long time overdue, but since ive been away so long i figured this would be a good way to address everything, like whats been happening in my life and my future plans for no1sm for everyones clarity.

to put it shortly, i work full-time, and have done for nearly 2 years now. i am a product designer and i work monday-friday, 9-5. i attend a full day of college classes once a week, this day being even longer than a work day, and on top of that i have a personal work-based tutor that i have to complete work for as well. so in terms of professional obligations, im extremely busy. in my personal life, ive been seeing friends a lot, running errands, planning for weddings, parties, buying a car, SO MANY THINGS. my life has been so hectic.

ive also been suffering some health problems recently. my earliest or readers that are close friends probably know i began writing no1sm to vent my feelings about trauma i underwent, and this obviously still affects me quite greatly alongside depression and anxiety. ive also been suffering quite badly with insomnia and fatigue problems, as well as, embarrassingly, moderately bad eczema.

perhaps the most ridiculous development of all: I AM NOT CURRENTLY HYPERFIXATED ON SOUTH PARK. SHOCK HORROR. BUT PLEASE DONT PANIC: it is still my spin, stan and kyle are still my most favourite characters ever, and most of all i still ENJOY south park and enjoy thinking about, planning, and writing no1sm (when im not completely utterly knackered). ive actually recently gotten majorly into formula 1 as a result of my friends, so if there are any f1 fans following me PLEASE SAY HI!!!!! i plan to do art for it but i have been busy and im also very much a perfectionist. (FYI: my favourite driver is max verstappen. no questions asked. i also love charles daniel lando oscar and honestly most drivers on the grid. i love niki lauda james hunt seb vettel and jenson button. i had a brief mclaren tooned hyperfixation. I AM CURRENTLY INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED OVER DANIEL RICCIARDO LOSING HIS SEAT)

anyway.. getting back on track.

AM I STILL GOING TO BE UPDATING NO1SM?

YES. YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. i dont know when, but this story is something i have to complete for myself and for you guys. i realised i was putting myself under so much pressure for it to be perfect that it sapped the love i felt for it from me. now that i no longer have visible eyes on me waiting for updates on twitter, i feel much freer and relaxed with it. i dont know how or when, but yes, the story will be completed. do not ask me about the kyle prequel ive planned though DONT DO IT.

i also dont plan on posting about updates anywhere other than tumblr going forwards. ive since moved on from the twitter south park fandom where i was most active, as i felt like i was too old to be in a fandom of minors and the discourse was simply too much. so i decided to move to a fan space and sport that is a million times worse but still somehow has been better for me. so if you still want to follow me on twitter even though i dont south park post anymore, you can follow me at @vrstappns :)

WILL NO1SM HAVE AN UPDATE SCHEDULE?

NO. sorry, my mental health and my career comes first. i want to try and find a better balance that leaves me time to write but im afraid i need time to ease myself back in after so long off and theres no guarantee how long that will take me.

WILL YOU STILL BE MAKING ART FOR NO1SM?

YES. I HOPE. who knows when though cause i havent been able to draw in a long time and im still pissed off that i cant draw max verstappen as easily as i could ever draw kyle broflovski.

AM I ALLOWED TO USE YOUR STORY AND WRITE THE ENDING FOR MYSELF?

NO. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. as much as other authors may encourage this I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THIS. you dont know how much work i have put into this fic as well as how much of my own life and traumas are embedded between the lines of writing. this fic is practically half of me in the same way my parents’ DNA is a part of my make-up. not to sound rude but to even think you could possibly imagine how i intend for this fic to resolve and end when you dont even know me is laughable.

HOW WILL THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRIES OF FORMULA ONE INFLUENCE THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRY OF STAN AND KYLE GOING FORWARDS?

im sure 2019 charles leclerc and max verstappen guided carefully by brocedes and james hunt and niki lauda will figure something out. maybe not brocedes actually i am unsure if i want stan marsh to end up like nico rosberg. but i guess he is a good youtuber too and has great hair which is two things stan is NOT. gay loser. also david coulthard and sebastian vettel are there somewhere. GAY RED BULL RACING WILL LEAD US TO WORLD PEACE

thank you so much for reading, i know youve all probably moved on with your life but its a weight off my chest to finally write this out. i love this fic and i love that you all love this fic, if you are still here. i can only apologise for how long ive made you all wait.

please just have patience with me,

thanks muchly,

mike (formerly marshplaylist) vrstappns

#wip: no one saw me #mike talks #south park #kyle broflovski #stan marsh #stankyle #sp kyle #sp style #sp stan

25 notes · View notes

triglycercule · 10 days

Text

i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)

#outertale does not exist in swapinverse anymore. how quaint #dude thalia and melpomene are th only ones that r like. 100% good #I NEED TO MAKE MORE GOOD AND NICE CHARACTERS😭😭😭😭#mst..... recreators (qip name 4 siphon n crash?) and vice.SER........ theyre all EVIL (or have evil goals)#i WAS thinking doing something with reaper because i adore his design and aesthetic and i wanna combine it with SOMETHING idk what #anyways if core frisk error which is supposed to be vice.SER exists then should normal core frisk exist too?????#i mean i dont think that just because a core frisk role esque person exists doesnt mean the role is instantly filled up #the mst and mtt co exist in swapinverse but those 3 are like.... NORMAL aus. not outcodss n stuff #i love the giant lance thing i gave crash. i mean the ribbons can form any weapon and take any shape (kinda like puella magi mami's guns)#but like..... it just is so cool i love characters that use multiple weapons #i LOVE (haha) every single little gimmick thing i give swapinverse characters. the tiny details is what i adore giving them #if you catch me not posting 4 a bit its probably just bc im working on swapinverse or jk fashion au. or maybe ive seriously just lost motiva #anyways i have a few banger rants in my drafts ive yet to elaborate om but just like....... i dont feel like it #someon needs to wrangle those posts out of my tired lazy arms #lowkey why do siphon and crash remind me of kanade and mafuyu. idk i cant explain #if you cut vice.ser in half it would be like jelly with binary in it. i wanna eat him #he would tingle on my tongue but thats just the static. eating yhe glasses would be difficult bit they dont have lenses so its ok #i drew them both looking at us but i think that vice.ser is the only true one always looking at US.looking out from inside #god i love swapinverse sooo much i wish i could get it done faster and be goatedly good with motivation. a shame #but i do think that i may be finishing up the character descriptions 500% ish sure #SO THEN THAT MEANS I CAN WORK ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!!! WOOOOO #ive already decided that theres gonna be mentions of me myself and i in it. i love meta storytelling #im cursed with perpetually sweaty hands i hate having to draw on slighty damp paper. nobody understands me #UGH im getting too happy in life im starting to act weird in public and offering to help people. i need to stop #anyways just school doodles!!! because in the period where they take our phones i have naught to do but draw #i need to get back (start) my english reading. and then help my friend with a few questions on her homework. how joyous #and then i can get back to my BETTER homework (working on swapinverse :3)#crash managed to destroy outertale in his lore i wonder how many worlds vice.SER will destroy #actually if hes supposed to be core frisk error then i should make him NOT destroy worlds right???? right #tricule rant

4 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 7 months

Text

🐁☁️🌫️

#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant #nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it #it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer #ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know #it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are #but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom #bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park #i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that #i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none #my sisters havent talked for me in over a year #and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w #nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao #i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots #i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol?????#im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay #and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like #when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!!#im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing?#other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing?????#and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things #i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))

7 notes · View notes

ooblech · 2 months

Text

i wonder if post god's menu stays realise how much of a shift that era was for skz? like obviously you can see retroactively by looking back at their discography irt their sonic signature, but i don't think people who weren't there can seriously grasp how big of a shock it was, they went from stan twitter's favourite punching bag to one of kpop's biggest up and comers practically overnight. they were already relatively popular by virtue of being a big 3 group, and they'd had a bit of success with miroh and less prominently my pace, but the absolute explosion after god's menu and their continued upward trajectory ever since was completely unprecedented for them. and especially given that they had JUST dropped a member. kpop groups do not tend to have massive spikes in popularity after losing members, and when levanter dropped we were all incredibly anxious for skz's future because it looked so bleak. we were crying cheering throwing up over ONE MUSIC SHOW WIN. ONE. they used to be less famous than everglow. do you understand me? are you understanding me.

#everglow's downfall has had kpop twitter's finest scholars scratching their heads for years #mismanagement and massive gaps between releases are probably the biggest culprits #but i think we all need to hold hands and accept that they were never going to be the next blackpink. the timing of it just wasn't right.#skz's timing on the other hand was literally perfect down to the millisecond.#i know we like to talk about how hard they work and all but i don't think we can discount how much sheer luck was involved #because i do not believe that jype or even the kids were paying that much attention to the timing of releases. like be real with me #and also their exponential growth in popularity as bts stopped being so active was not a coincidence at all #bts as a group stopped gaining as many new fans when they started solo activities and the members started military service #both due to a decrease in new music and their new music being so different from what made them appealing to young people in the first place #same with exo to a lesser degree because they never got as famous as bangtan #that left a vacuum at the top which skz stumbled into pretty naturally given their newfound and still growing popularity #all those new gen fans who were looking for the next biggest thing found skz #and with the sheer amount of content they put out they're the natural choice for a middle school kpop fan with too much time on their hands #i know that people still argue that txt is the biggest 4th gen boygroup but i'm not interested in falsifying narratives like moas are #< joke.#i know skz and txt were tussling for most popular for a while especially in 2020 and 2021 #but after kingdom it just stopped being a competition. you can probably still argue that txt are more popular in sk #but with skz consistently marketing themselves as a global group theyve never done as well in sk as they have abroad that's just the truth #im not on twitter anymore so i cant obsessively monitor the trends anymore but also i don't need to because skz have come out on top. LOL #5 years and im vindicated at last.#take THAT 2019 kpop twitter.... <- man who hasn't gotten over anything ever in their life

4 notes · View notes

garpond · 3 months

Text

need to do some serious reading on how cptsd affects your ability to seek out and maintain relationship because this is getting out of hand ._. its not like it makes That much of a difference because its not a recognized thing in the US specifically as it is in other areas of the world + bc of my ongoing abuse situation i cant access therapy anyways, but at least id be able to maybe get some self help materials to try and work out whatever is going on w me lately where its all pressing down on me and making me act in increasingly maladjusted ways that keep getting me in trouble. laughing face with tears emoji

#how may more signs do i need everyone in my family sees it everyone at work sees it and it keeps spilling over onto friends too #and i cant take the feelings anymore. or the lack of joy or trust or closeness that are supposed to be there #its literally not mentally right that my ideal life is avoiding everything and everyone and being completely alone.#and that being part of society scares and repulses me so much #im scared that if this goes too long im going to completely lose the ability to desire human closeness or to live my own life #all i want is to not be hurt and not die. thats my #1 mental consumption. and sometimes i cant even want THAT because its all too much #personal

2 notes · View notes

yunogf · 4 months

Text

there's nothing like having ur boss chew u who is overworked and underpaid out for not doing enough :)

#i had to listen to an hour of her saying she is overworked and has so much to do and never stops and she can do everyones job #if she wanted to so why is she even paying me and i should want more and should be offering to do more to take the load off of her #and her daughter who thru nepotism makes triple what i make and only does about a quarter of the work #bc she doesn't have to bc she's not ever going to get fired so she's out running errands and playing around and hardly working #so i have to cover what she doesn't do and then i have to sit in a chair and listen to her mother (our boss) rant about how she has way #too much to do and cant take on anymore work and how i need to pull my weight #i wanted to walk out of there right then oh my god #she was Yelling at me about this #i promise yall im not lying i do way more work than im paid for and i stay well beyond my hours but no one listens :(#im looking for another job but surviving for the time being is so hard #:((((((((((#she kept guilt tripping me with payroll??? like she kept saying her payroll is huge and she's paying me and im like .#well yeah bitch that's how business works im not supposed to be grateful and praising u for paying me what i'm due? wtf #she was like regardless of how the business does i don't touch how much i pay u so u should be grateful #i'm not even joking i wish i were

3 notes · View notes

lovsome · 8 months

Text

i think im gonna ask my therapist to get me an appointment with the private psychiatrist she suggested

#yesterday was kind of the wake up call #for a few days ive been feeling very little… still feeling bad but like sort of numb and i keep questioning wheter i actually need meds or #not which .. in any case i will not decide but a specialist will but anyways #and i was looking through book fairs and how to get appointments with publishers to show ur portfolio and just generally feeling like the #most incompetent person ever and also like i will never get anywhere because my style isn’t exactly what u see in most illustrated books #95% of which are childrens books…… and those styles are just different #anyway i digress #my grandma called and she was like what are u doing and i told her how stressed i was and i just started crying mid-sentence and i told her #i dont know where to bang my head anymore its too difficult and confusing and i feel like im just not good enough and im tired of trying to #keep it together.. she knows im not well mentally #like i was SOBBING #and she was like u shouldnt think like that u have to be patient keep trying and contact those publishers and whatever #and i get that she was trying to motivate me but i just told her flat out i. am. unwell. i dont know what to do anymore with this brain #and i asked her to please not tell me how i should think because i cant #and i know my grandad was there with her because he always is and he heard and like an hour later he came to my house to pick something up #and he was like ‘earlier i heard things i dont like’ aka me being depressed out of my mind #and then he said ‘we should talk about it sometime’ and proceeded to completely change the subject to his gums problem because he was going #to the dentist….ok #and the funny thing is things like this where people acknowledge that im struggling but proceed to say nothing about it keep happening #like i have a friend that i talk to very often and we say p much everything to each other but now shes working so she takes weeks to reply #and i told her i was doing VERY bad and of course she has her problems too… and she hasn’t replied to me in like three weeks or so #and she sent a text basically saying im dorry i havent replied yet i want to have time to do it well and hear how youre doing but hear this!#and proceeded to tell me stuff about her work and whatever… which is fine but dont tell me u care about how i am if u cant even check in #when u do have time because clearly u can send texts…#anyways im rambling good morning i already cried and its not even 9 great !!

4 notes · View notes

this-should-do · 1 year

Text

ugh

#genuinely think if i dont get therapy and medical transition soon i might actually kill myself #life is too fucking much and i cant take this shit anymore #its unfair that i got unlucky in the genetic draw and got sruck with the stupidest most feminine body in the world #and that being fat when i live the exact same lifestyle as thin people makes kt easier to tell that im born female #and that even if i do all the working out in the world its not gonan fucking chnage the way my body looks and manages its distribution #and that i have the face and mouth of every single fat comedy side character or fat villain #and that ive lived my whole life hearing about how pretty and wonderful i look and how i look like my grandmother #and that im short and have almost all my weight below my torso so i look like the worlds largest pear #and that i have a naturally soft demeanor that offsets every ounce of effort i pht into my looks to be more masc #and that i dont want to dress in baggy or sporty clothes and i dont have the budget to purchase those things even if i got desperate #or that i get overheated too easily to use layers and that i cant mentally handle being overheated #and its not fair that i cant for the life of me get my voice to cknsistantly be lower so i sound more maaculine #its not fucking fair #i cant fucking do this anymore #but im so fucking stuck reliant on ym fucking parents for mo ey that ill never get the help i need #and working as a teacher will never result in the money itll take to get the help i need #and it feels like even if i could get transition when i get a job itll be too risky with clowns like desantis #SPECIALLY as a teacher #i cant fucking look into a fucking mirror without wanting to cry and take a knife to every slab of meat that i ditn want on my body #and every day that im home im sruck hiding in my room so that i dont risk running inti my moyher and making her angry by existing #and having to affirm to her that im her little girl and be called by a name that isnt mine and pronouns that make me want to stab my ears #and be told by her that i just think im trans becuz im traumatized and dont want peole to think im attractive so they wont try to get close #to me becuz they wont know what i am when i dont even want to have sex and she says im just making that up to #my mental health is in shambles and has been for fucking months and its only getting worse #i want out #i want out so fucking bad #im tired of being jealous of my own fucking shadow becuz it looks like more of a man to me

3 notes · View notes

samwisefamgee · 1 year

Text

The funny thing about constantly telling yourself that things could be worse is that sometimes. They are :)

#youd think the moldy trailer was gonna be rock bottom #but apparently its staying in a basement covered in the dust of a thousand thousand catshits #with the same people who traumatized me over 22 years until I moved into the moldy box in the first place :)#because im STILL dumb enough to believe their promises after decades of betrayal! or more accurately i dont get the choice lol #either way if i dont get outta here fast it is game the fuck over. been too much mental and physical pain for this shit to be worth it #fucked anyway given how much debt and permanent degenerative damage has been done but at least I can live whatever shit years I get left #in relative peace #I mean fuck I used all my fucking energy yesterday doing shit for them instead of taking care of my own stuff and WHY #all I got was get asked over and over to work even fucking harder like what the fuck did I expect #years pass and nothing changes for the better with these people what the fuck #and even if I DO manage to find somwhere to stay with folks who WONT lie to me for years to abuse my labor and psyche #I'll be broken in body and mind and spirit and ill need a job within the week to not fall behind #i still havent gotten on my feet and every attempt to rely on family. no matter who.#was just an excuse for them to use me for all I had for nothing in return #cant exactly find roommates with no money no credit no will to live and 20 problems on top of that that mean I cant pay rent yet #and without any family who wont try to kill me slowly or any friends who arent so fucked themselves they cant help its lookin like #im fucked once again gang #to think i was so fucking close to escaping all of this before the pandemic happened lol. even what I had then just isnt possible anymore #if I hear one more baseless 'things get better with time :)))' I WILL vomit until I choke to death like buddy that just isnt true sometimes #straight up some people are born to eat shit and die. babies get cancer. its been 24 consecutive years of eating it and I aint whistful fam #not anymore at least #keep sayin 'well it could be worse' when its about the worst its been and youre just asking fate to prove you right #only reason Im not completely homeless instead of technically homeless is that folks actually on the streets are much tougher sort than I #gonna jinx this whole fuckin rant but it really is a fuckin joke. i cant live like this but most folk Ive met on the street #would jump the moon just to live in the moldy trailer I got kicked out of let alone a filthy basement.#this COULD be a home I could work and live out of. fellas is it picky to prefer despair over living with people who traumatize you #does that answer change depending on circumstance and time or is there truly no justification in not making your life worth it #or am I really just the pathetic stoner burnout dropout that my folks see me as? I mean categorically yes.#is there any justification redemption or even just comfort to be found in that state considering the Weight that induced it #does it even matter if no other person knows what that Weight has been or for how long its built. if no one ever will know? whats the point

3 notes · View notes

nomairuins · 1 month

Text

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and #not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work #i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a #while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that #there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and #atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk #idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless #everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles #every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling #exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But #itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking #sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good #days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and #im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can #donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to #be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and #hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care #but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to #and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and #happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality #type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so #upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for #them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep #any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to #be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh #and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this #is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh

1 note · View note

steampoweredskeleton · 1 month

Text

.

Ignore

#delete later #im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting #for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping #how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant #and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc #to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it #i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly #idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially #good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse #and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out #how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them #im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them #theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting #ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH #im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy #im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT #i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont #deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice #especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train #station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair #to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT #im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is #even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about #field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back #id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of #oh we're not good enough huh #and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one #so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway #i just need to scream bc idk what else to do

0 notes

pears-trinkets · 3 months

Text

.

#every time i ask for help it ends up worse than it was #when i ask my mom she accuses me of not wanting help and not knowing what i want and how its my fault i dont want to be better #im always accused of not wanting help and not doing anything as if im not always researching and calling doctors and social workers #but thats my mom shes crazy and manipulative #but then when i take friends by their word that i can always talk to them and open up and say that i need them #i get ghosted???? 🥲#like its kinda funny at this point #and i know its a common autistic thing that people think that we dont mean what we say and play down our emotions #and that freeze and fawn trauma responses change how we show distress and sometimes makes us not show it appropriately #but every time i said #hey im feeling really bad i need you #to someone #they answer way too late and go like haha oops oh well!!!! sorry so busy!!!#as if my request had a time limit and now it didnt matter anymore #or they literally stop answering me for months #i texted my mental hospital friend in november for her birthday and she answered in january and i told her im in distress #and i havent heard from her since #every time i need someone their own life comes in the way which is fine and natural but #i really get the feeling i only matter to people #when im there for them and to help them or when im fun to be around #everyone says hey its okay and important to ask for help #people who care want you to ask for help #and i remind myself of that and try to work on my abandonment issues and all the self isolating #and then i get ignored and abandoned and i literally cant do it anymore 🥲#i know its unfair to think my friends should know that im having a stressful time so they should know better and check on me #so i dont do that and i communicate #but it doesnt do anything!!!!! literally nothing!!!#i think its even making it worse because they think theyve let me down so much i wont ask again and theyre off the hook #what else can i do????? like genuinely im so confused #and because i get hung up on those things i get borderline diagnosis that are wrong because i obsessively try to be fair and not too clingy

0 notes

thatdemiboymess · 6 months

Text

Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.

#irl #vent #suicidal ideation #i am a money sink and a financial burden and trying to look for ways to fix that turns up nothing!!!#society abandons those who cannot work!!! and i sure do seem to be unemployable!!!#like #i would need a work from home job that doesnt require a highschool diploma ged or a degree that i can do as someone who is legally blind #at the LEAST #even just being a cashier at pet smart requires a fucking highschool diploma!!! and i cant even do that sort of work anymore!!!#i dont have any fancy little talents or areas of expertise either!!! i cant code i suck at source work i cant do graphic design!!!#what am i supposed to do #can someone just like put me down like a sick animal or smth at this point #because i feel like all i amount to at this point is a burdensome and childish good for nothing waste of space #and an additional source of stress and disappointment for everyone who has ever cared about me or had hopes for my future #sincerely feel like everyone who knows me would be better off if i were dead #no one would have to take care of me then - theyd be free of any burden i put on them #hell considering how few people i talk to and how little o do talk to ones i DO talk to they probably wouldnt even notice i were gone #and once they did they probably wouldnt be upset for long at all if they would be upset to begin with #my partner would be free to find a smaller more affordable place to live or could even get a car and live in it as he thought of doing #before if i werent around being a little needy whiny bitch #seriously whats even the fucking point #im so tired of just...fucking everything.#i dont talk about it much but i really do just feel like shit all the fucking time man #and i feel so fucking powerless and like i have no control of my life too #should probably be in therapy still but i just know theyd force me into the psych ward again #not that talk therapy would do shit for me anyways tho #i dunno #im tired and sad and hopeless and i just wanna go to sleep and not wake up again #not that it matters or anything though lololol

1 note · View note

hecksupremechips · 6 months

Text

I need so much help I’m so stressed I’m fucking drowning oh god oh god oh god

#i like i fucking got a bad job i didnt really feel much about and then doing it i was so so panicked like the dangerous kind #the kind where i felt so helpless my mind was racing and all I could think about was hurting myself and how horrible i was #so i didnt come back and its bad that i did this for two reasons the first being that i need money #im so horribly desperate to escape like if i dont get out ill die i cant survive much longer and 2 is #my parents found out about me getting this job i didnt want them to know because its not their business but they watch me #they see everything i do i couldnt just leave without them asking and i was forced to explain #and i quit instantly like i always do and i cant tell them that cuz theyll just abuse me worse and lecture me and yell and bitch #the best part is they decided tonight to fucking. decide im worthy of their respect now #cuz i performed the action they wanted and ofc theyre taking the credit like i knew they would and they gave me back my card #that i pay for prescriptions with cuz now im worthy of care except oh wait no im not cuz i quit my job instantly #like i cant lie about this forever where am i supposed to hide at when i pretend to be working plus they track my location #and i certainly cant tell them i quit either maybe i should just die like no one wants me anyways and im horrible #im so useless that iI cant even hold down a shitty part time job for a day without panicking #and i did this while being in no position to deny this job cuz i need money so bad i need escape so bad i need it #but clearly working for it is something im too bitchy to do and no one cares at all that im in pain so why bother #i dont want this anymore i just wanna stop i want them gone why cant they just be gone

0 notes

strawbebyjam · 10 months

Text

i think i’ve reached my breaking point

#i think maybe i already passed it and was just in. a lot of denial #i know how badly i need help. i know how badly i’m doing. i know i’m not getting things done. i know i’m keeping everyone out. i know i’m #giving up. but it is. so hard to get help HDJDHDH there is way too much shame and effort and energy it requires #and i just don’t. have any of it left. and i’m so tired. and i hate myself so much. and i can’t even think of a single redeemable feature #inside ot out or anywhere and i’m just. i don’t know what i can do or should do but everything is so hard. all the time. and i’m not even #draggung through anymore i am entirely stuck. i keep failing courses and graduation keeps getting delayed. and i can’t fo anything. and i’m #so scared but i’m also closer to tryly and genuinely giving up than i ever have veen before #and before i use d yo feel like there were two lose lose routes i coudl take but therr was partial joy in both. but now im at a pointwhere #have failed enough and failed repeatedly enough that i cant even. get to yhose situations. and theres just #more than anything there’s so much shame. i don’t know what yo do with muself anymore. im luinh all the time to everyone and i hatemhysemf #so mych. im so so so disgustedwith myself and i dknt know what to do #like i always kbew i was the weak type but seeing it in action is just. i dontknow who i am anymore #neg #mano.mindtalk #i feelbad that i come on gete and say shit i should ve telling a therapist but i cannot affordthat shit and i refuseto spew this. seeage of #a brain onto my friends #alsolike. i know fullwell i am. so secerely mentally ill lmfoajim a fucking psychollgu major i know my braib is fucked but i cant do shitabo #ut it and its so. frustrating. but i also have no excuseto be the way i am everyone caressos much everyone is so careful butwhenever i tryyo #get help it doestn work nothing changes and its so. frustratingand tiring like im really just so tired

1 note · View note

cloudd-nyne · 11 months

Text

.

#uuuggggh #my brain feels like its full of water #i feel like i need to cry but it wont happen #i do not remember the last time i like. actually cried more than a few tears #my bodys auto response is just to shut it off whenever i try i hate that lmfao #brain just feels bad and idk what to do about it #i nearly cried earlier bc i let myself think about writing for too long.#i hate that i cant even look at my docs rn without wanting to cry #i feel so guilty for not working on anything #or for thinking i might not ever.#I've highly considered deleting my a03. or at least purging a decent amount of it #idk i just. i dont feel like anything I've made is wroth it.#its all cringey bs that plenty of people have made the effort to tell me how much they hate it so like #i cant really bring myself to be happy looking at any of it anymore.#im gonna take a nap i guess and just see if i can get my brain out of this funk #vent

0 notes