#ive had this stuff since late august but its so much worse suddenly and i dont know why :((

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the fact that i immediately landed an awesome job right out from graduation but then got covid in august and now my brain doesn't work right and i might lose my job because of it . there's a funny joke in here somewhere maybe

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god. 2017 in general was just... really bad. cus i suspect that my depression didnt just 'suddenly' appear that yr (bc im p sure there were traces of it long b4 then), but it definently aprung up quickly and was just. Really Bad

im not entirely sure why it popped up when it did. i can place the exact moment it became noticable though. it was like... july 11th (just checked smth that i associate w it and that says the 14th so close enough), and smth had upset me but like. that feeling just never went away and just kept getting progressively worse i stead of dying down, and just. thru the yr i just kept feeling worse n worse, and visiting my cousin for a week did not help. sometime in late august, i think, i remember it started getting super bad cus i had ac summer hw (which, one week into it i dropped out cus i Just Couldnt Do It) and i couldnt get myself 2 do it, so id get stressed and end up in an agrugemnt w my mom cus i wasnt doing the EXTREMELY time sensitive hw, and sometime during that i think it was like. a Certified First Suicidal Thought, n then school started and i alao ended up moving, and like. id ended up in at least one friend group but constantly felt like they were mad at me and aomeone said a mildly conxerning thing once and i was so so nervous for the next like. day or so and it probably wasnt even anything that bad but i rememeber being Rly Fucking Nervous.

then i ended up in another feiend group which was rly epic! and i think the reason my brain smth of latches onto 2017 in some ways (2015-2016 for others, for separate reasons) is bc b4 then ive never rly had more than 1 friend at a time (ive gottwn close 2 more but looking back it was still heavily distant) and i was just :D!!! cus poaitive interactions!!!! but then my mental health was STILL getting worse and reached im p much an all time low around october, n i was getting heavy suicidal thoughts like. constantly, every day, and i didnt know what to do abt it, and im actually p sure i was alarmingly close 2 doing smth, but i found some dumb game and foe some reason, despite most things like this working the OPPOSITE way, it gave me a reason not to, and i think thats the only reason i has, but i didnt do anything bc of it (tho i dont tell ppl the reason bc im overly nervous abt the fact that its... not the best reason and could backfire horribly in the specific xircumstances and i get nervous abt ppl doing smth). still was doing horrible, but just had smth preventing me from doing smth (tho that just made me super nervous cus i felt like i didnt have an out. i think. after like july of 2017 a lot of things blended 2gether. i have a hard time differentiating 2017, 2018, and 2019)

and then some stuff happened that i dont feel confident enough saying! bc attempts to bring it up on any of my bloga have ended up in disasters (for me personally)

but basically my mental health felt like shit since then, but i still consider 2017 my Ultimate Low, probably bc at the time i had nothing else to compare it to and it felt so sudden