#i dont want this anymore i just wanna stop i want them gone why cant they just be gone

[thorninyourpaw]

my existence makes me feel awful for my family

[widevibratobitch]

.

[jackass-jones]

I need so much help I’m so stressed I’m fucking drowning oh god oh god oh god

[viridescenttemple]

HEY EVERYONE HERE IM STILL ALIVE 2K3NRBJR

ART SOON! PROBABLY TODAY OR TOMORROW

IF U WANNA KNOW WHY I HAVENT BEEN POSTING U CAN KEEP READING IF NOT ILL SAY IMA BE POSTING WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT FROM HERE ON, AS IN DONT EXPECT ART FROM A SPECIFIC FANDOM FROM ME THATS ALL!

SO TO THOSE THAT KEPT READING, I WAS SICK FOR A SHORT WHILE AND DIDNT POST AFTER THAT UNLESS ONCE IN A WHILE, I WAS MORE IN TWITTER BY THEN AS WELL, AS TIME WENT ON I BECAME MORE AND MORE SCARED OF POSTING IN THE INTERNET, AND THE FANDOM I WAS IN WAS NOT GOOD AT THE TIME AS WELL SO THE FEAR KEPT BUILDING UP UNTIL I STOPPED POSTING ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET [APART WITH CLOSE FRIENDS], ALSO IF UR WONDERING WHY MY TWT IS GONE IS BECAUSE I JUST DID NOT WANT TO BE PART OF THE FANDOM I WAS IN BEFORE AND WANTED TO CUT WITH IT PERMANETLY AND I BECAME SICK OF TWITTER IN ITS ENTIRETY, THE PEOPLE AND THE SITE IN ITSELF JUST IRKS ME IN A WAY I CANT DESCRIBE, TOO AGRESSIVE? I THINK IS THE WORD IM LOOKING FOR, ANWAYS WHY AM I COMING BACK HERE? ONE I CAME TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP SHARING SOMETHING I LOVE [MY ART] TO THE WORLD, EVEN IF 1 OR 2 PEOPLE SEE IT, TWO IS THAT I DONT HAVE TO MAKE SUPER POLISHED ART TO SHARE THINGS I LIKE, IF IT COMES FROM MYSELF AND I LOVE IT THEN ITS GOOD AND THREE I FIND TUMBLR MORE RELAXING I GUESS THAN I DO OF TWITTER AND I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE MY STUFF IN MY LITTLE CORNER OF THE WORLD

THATS BASICALLY IT, IF YOURE WONDERING I STILL HAVE LIKE 2 TWITTERS STILL UP WITH MY ART ONE IS @/Vivi09039154 AND THE ORHER @/ViceraVermilli1 [privated bc i didnt want more people following it but i cant unprivate it anymore bc i dont have the password help] BUT THEYRE MORE LIKE ARCHIVES THAN ANYTHING, I DONT THINK ILL BE POSTING ON THEM EVER AGAIN AND IM NOT TOUCHING THEM AT ALL

HOPE YALL ARE HAVING A GREAT DAY IF U MANAGED TO READ UNTIL HERE MQBEHJEKE

[bruisedkitty666]

my arms and thighs are so fat and i want it all gone..

my face is getting fatter because of purging, this is really annoying. i need to stop binging. its happening everyday now but i cannot stop. i cant even purge anymore because i dont have the energy to. im gaining weight and i just wanna hide this sucks so bad and i just want to be skinny thats all i want

i want control more than anything, idk how these ana girls do it, i want to have control and disapline like them but at night i always feel like im being possessed to binge.

i know i have to stop restricting in order to stop binging but if i do that ill gain weight either way. i wish i was in control with my food intake and i wish i could stop once i start.

i always feel insecure and paranoid that someones gonna make fun of my weight out of nowhere. this is why i need to just be skinny so i can finally like what i see in the mirror. i havent in a long time. i miss the old me.

even though im not overweight, its sad that im not underweight.

im going to see my friends tomrorow, and she has so much foood at her house im 100% gonna be triggered and binge of course. omg i hate myself i even KNOW its gonna happen. i wish i could stop it.

i dont think my ED's ever gonna change. once i try recover, i immedietly get triggered to starve again by something, but it just goes back to binge restrict purge. so i dont lose weight i just gain and lose in this endless cycle. its really hell already.

[samncolbyjj]

𝙄𝙩'𝙨 𝙝𝙚𝙧.

Jakw Webber

Warnings: angst

A/n: so there's a reference of a song hidden in this chapter, its not bubblegum (the song of the chapter) there's another one, try and Find out what song is it.

✰~------------------------------~✰

|Y/N's Pov|

I was dating Jake for some months, and i do know that him and Tara are just friends. But he seems to like her and not me, i feel like hes using me sometimes... And he doesn't even notice, i feel likw he thinks its love but it's actually just a band-aid for his bruises.

Tara was my best friend so it was 100x worse because you can't vent about it to her, she will say that its fine and he loves me not her. But i don't want that, i want someone to listen and help me solve it, i knew she won't do it.

✰~------------------------------~✰

We are filming a video in my house. We are testing pool toys and answering some questions the chat sent to one of Jake's posts. Johnnie was streaming so it was just me, Jake and Tara. They were filming like i wasn't there, i just grabbed some stuff and tried it by myself while they were trying stuff together. It felt like she was his girlfriend not me.

"Y/n this one is for you!" I looked at Jake as he began to read the question. "Is there anything you'd change about Jake?" I got nervous, of course there was, I wanted him to love me. But saying that now? I wasn't even ready to tell Tara about it imagine telling him with millions of people watching.

I couldn't tell anything else because i wouldn't change anything else in him. "Yes, I would. I would change the way he sees me." Jake and Tara got confused, they looked at eachother to see if either of them knew anything but both didn't know

"What do you mean babe?" Jake asked me and i just turned around and grabbed another toy to try out. He kept trying things, but he was more silent now, Tara was also silent since he was not talking much with her.

✰~------------------------------~✰

We kept asking questions and trying stuff, but it wasn't that fun anymore, so Jake just stopped recording. As soon as he turned the camera off i walked inside and went to our room. Jake noticed and followed me there.

He opened the door and saw me in the bed with my laptop watching cartoons. "Hey babe can we talk" i got a little nervous, but I just sighed "yeah i guess we can" he sat down next to me.

"What did you mean with you'd change the way i see you" i closed my laptop and looked at him, i wasn't mad, but i was exhausted so i was being kinda rude. "You really want to know?" He looked at me in the eyes and nodded. "I want you to see me how you see Tara, she's your ex and sometimes it seems like you prefer her, she's got you mesmerized, while i die! I cant hate her, she's my best friend, she's an angel, but then again kinda wish she was dead... Or not maybe its a strong word but gone at least in your life... Jake... i wish i was Tara..."

He looked at me concerned, i looked like i was crying but nothing was coming out of my eyes. I wanted to cry but i couldn't, my stomach is spinning and I feel sick. He wraps his arm around me and pulled me close, my head resting in his chest.

"Look im sorry for making you feel like that, but i don't love her, im over her i promise you! Me and her are just friends, we're close but just close friends who like to do shit, im sorry for not giving you attention. I promise to give you more attention from now on, i really love you Y/n... I really do..."

His hand running up and down my arm. He kissed my forehead and grabbed my chin making me face him. I looked In his eyes and gave him a gentle peck. "Sorry for overthinking... I just really... I dont wanna lose you, especially not to her, she's my best friend and I'd had to see that every day..."

"You won't i promise you... Now... Wanna go to some 711 to get smth" he said smiling at me and getting up. "Again? Okay why not." I laughed and hugged him.

I love him. Im glad he loves me too.

✰~------------------------------~✰

A/n: seriously, i loved writing this one, btw leave requests please!!!

Questions: -Did you find the reference to that song? If you did what song do you think is it? -Have tou read my other one shots? Opinions? -Favourite artist?

✰~------------------------------~✰

[trashbins-stuff]

the hollowheads rant again bc im crazyyy, chodarksec specifically

chosec is full of apologies

ive seen alot of ppl interpating sec looking up to cho as an older siblings and hoenstly..i agree! its lovely yes but also, to me, it is one sided and its coming from cho, like your successor turn out to be pwoerful enough to fight your best friend (and then kill her) AND he fight like four different people at once too!! how could he be any prouder. But he kind of dragged them into all of this, sec doesnt wanna fight, they think cho revived them and their friends and defeat the dark lord, all of that, while also dragging them head first into danger, getting them killed in the first place, kidnap them again, then they had to fight a bunch of strangers and then got kidnap AGAIN. But he saved them..they arent ALLOWED to hate him, they arent allowed to feel anything but appreciation and admiration and cho is just sorry. I guess this is how its geos when you meet your predessecor, i mean imagone if you were someone's return, yoire not even your own perspn youre whats supposed to come after them, youre what they imagined of them what they wanted from them, but second had a life outside of that, outside of being chosen's return, theyre also orange, who loves their friends, get angry over small things, someone who laughs, not a cold blooded killer. Chosen drags orange back to the life the role the purpose theyre trying to outgrow, chosen asks why cant you stop time chosen hold them close to his heart chosen reach for them, but theyre not there

darksec is full of what ifs

second think theyre better in another universe because maybe then they wouldn't have to be themselves, maybe theyre better for each other in another world, maybe theyre better for each other if...they arent each other. You ever get annoyed when the conflict can be solved outernally but not internally? Everything could have easily been better if they jsut do this, do that, but for that to happen, it wouldn't be them anymore, it require them to be someone else. Dark believe in mabe another life because he wasnt full of fear when sec and her interacts, had they not met during her rampage and get in the way of her destroying noogai's computer, maybe if they meet sooner, they could have hung out, or even know each others beyond powerd amd death. Dark killed second and second killed dark, theyll remember each other more then they miss eachother more then they know each other

Chodark is full of grief

Just like chosec's relationship, my interpretation goes a bit different from the fandom, lets say, dark grieves chosen more, or struggle at it more. Now thay DOES sound a bit weird isnt it>? Destroy the chosen one was his mission, thays like having someone's name carved into your soul, np matter what destroy means the line between love and hate blurs so much it might as well be the same thing, everytime they fight (its how they show love) for a moment cho could see it in darks eyes: an intent to kill, destroy, but she'll blink and it goes away, and dark is aware of his code acting up too but none of them talls about it, maybe npw that darks gone, he doesnt jave to put on with that anymlre. Chosen have thought about it, one day they will ends either by dark's hand or his (it was neither it was both), the thing with grief is that you dont OUTgrow it u outGROW it, grief doesnt leave you, you grow around it, you do mroe thing outside of that grief, i think the firsy few fights osnce their esxape from the computer chosen grieves, theyve grieves a thousand time, thats why its easier for them to grief than dark. Which is not to say he doesnt grief, cho sits on the hills where dark and him used to run around at, everything remind him of her, and now hes watching her die, maybe hes numb because he is "used to it" since he grieves so much, but also maybe he grieves so much he believes she'll come back in the back of his mind, belief so strong it stops him from actually grieving

[compassionatereminders]

hi, i hope its okay if i vent here cause i know shits been rough for you lately (wishing you the best btw, which ik simply saying that doesnt magically make things better but hope yk what i mean)

i sent an asks a few months ago about having empathy for someone for the first time and really struggling to come to terms with it, how to deal with new overwhelming emotions and the like (i believe i also mentioned them being in an abusive situation at the time, which was a whole other complicated feeling to empathize with someones pain and to take it internally on levels i had never experienced or was capable of fathoming before in my entire life)

currently struggling with that person again, they left their original abusive situation but have entered a new complex one, as this person isnt intentionally shitty but they're rich, white passing and extremely privileged and out of touch, like truly they don't grasp my friends trauma and why it makes things hard for them (friend has gone through severe abuse and childhood trauma, neglect and homelessness just to say the light ones, its truly awful what they've been through) despite having some trauma of their own and i truly fucking despise them with my entire being

my friend is abusing alcohol and debating killing themselves due to this person dangling ending their relationship over my friends head --- (which is another thing thats complex and hurting, my friend never told me they were dating which like they totally dont have to obviously!! but they continuously insisted to me they were only friends, before suddenly revealing through a screenshot of their partners text that they were together, which they did with their previous abuser so like having it happen twice was icky feeling for some reason despite the fact ik they don't owe me that information at all, i dont care they hid it i just feel hurt and confused if i had done something to warrant not being trusted with that information but thats a whole other can of worms) --- due to them struggling to do something the person wants, because my friend has trauma what the person is requesting is hard and my friends explained why its hard and hurts them, they've thrown up daily from the stress and this person knows that but somehow doesnt grasp why its causing my friend such distress

i feel utterly suffocated by the entire situation and its put my life on full stop because i cant just leave my friend to deal with this themselves, but theres nothing i can say or do that can help them because they're deeply in love and won't break up with their partner even though the stress is physically ruining them. i feel hopeless and unable to do anything, i encourage them to talk to me because really i wanna be there for them but i feel so scared all the time that somethings gonna happen to them which makes me need to listen even more because their other friend is horribly abusive and contributed to their trauma, so i don't wanna leave my friend alone. i don't know how to deal with empathizing with their pain and not being able to stop it feels like its killing me cause now im also throwing up multiple times a day, genuinely debating drug relapse to cope with it all and i can't sleep properly anymore and only sleep on specific 4 hour intervals throughout the day next to my phone so i can be on constant standby for the friend and i know its not healthy and if they knew it was like this they'd never tell me whats wrong again (which i really dont want i truly honest to god wanna be there for them), i feel like no matter how i go about it theres no winning in this situation and honestly i wanna die from it all which sounds so silly cause my friend is going through SO much worse and here i am going waaah this hurts me!! i just eugh, i don't know what to do. which i guess i know what to do, but i don't wanna do any of it i've never cared about someone like i care about them and the thought of leaving them to sort it out themselves feels like the end of the world, even though i know they're also a sociopath and don't feel empathy towards me which is also a new shitty feeling cause now i know how people feel around me. this is exhausting i don't know how people with empathy deal with it especially you kat!! if i remember correctly you mentioned being very empathetic, it's amazing you're able to handle having empathy and running a blog where people often dump stuff in your inbox (which uh is the very same thing im doing now, sorry!) ok i got it all out of my system i'm gonna go take a nap and hope the problem is solved tomorrow (it wont be but a bitch can hope!!) thank you for being a space where i could word vomit my brain out, i really hope things get better for you and that your eye gets sorted out <3

No matter how unwell your friend is, you're allowed to have boundaries and limits. And while I get the desire to be there and do everything you can because you care about your friend, you will not be able to continue pouring from an empty vessel. This is not a sustainable situation. You neglecting yourself and not sleeping and getting physically ill and wanting to die is not an acceptable consequence of your friend being in a toxic relationship without being able to change their situation. I know you didn't ask for advice, but I strongly encourage you to establish some boundaries here and stand by them. You do not lose your right to have boundaries when a loved one is mentally unwell and if you do not prioritize your own mental well-being, you will not be able to continue being there for you friend

[thatrandomventblog]

.

having anxiety bcuse mom's giving me my phone back after school

ik i'm too far behind and am so close to getting an f/n on a couple subjcts but im just drained and struggling to care but also

ik i need to keep up, or at least do what i've been doing

the same thing over and over again, just keep it together

i can't cry when i need to and seem to want to cry at the worst times

i don't want to ask for help bcuse i've been gone for so long now why just show up only when i need help? idk i'm trying to get things back together

somethings wrong with cousin and mom wont tell me but i walked inside after walking max to hear her say "teenagers are assholes" like duh ik that and ik she was addressing her dad on the phone and kk but also something tells me its about cousin and whatever happened between them

idk what to make of life anymore and i keep telling myself it will get better but tbh i don't think improvement will be happening anytime soon and i wanna be so so strong for everyone else but it's starting to become noticeable ig sister keeps asking if i'm okay and gets mad when i say i'm fine or act "off" like what do you want me to act like??

keep going from normal talk to "professional" and like. i picked up a dictionary and it's helping me word and string sentances along and idk it's upsetting everyone else but idk how to make it stop either

siste(t) is upsetting me like she isn't bothering to like idk. i'm upset as is and she isn't helping ig. she's just idk it doesn't make sense and it might sound bad? she says she's hopeful she gets a phone before i get mine back but doesn't have an answer as to why. i've managed to be calm about everything but she just seems hellbent on pushing buttons like. she's not minding my personal space and i'm getting rather uncomfortable with the "suggestive" talk and shit just.

idk i don't want to deal with life anymore i'm so tired all the time and i either can't eat or eat too much cant sleep or sleep too much just mmmm

i dont want to burden anyone with my faults and flaws

and ofc sister apparently wants me to get with someone like. can she not stop? no. she cannot. she keeps talking about me having children in her dreams and ik its just dreams but i'm not parent material ik that much and i've never wanted to have kids but also babies are adorable?? like ik i dont want it. but im allowed to say that babies are adorable and i'd be fine with babysitting but never having one as my own like?? idk i dont make sense.

i cant tell if i'm spiralling downwards but this feels like a repeat of 13. functioning based off what ik emotion to feel and reacting how i see necessary/based on context clues and what i "should" feel while i'm either numb or upset. idk tbh just. want it to stop. my head doesnt feel right either. cloudy and like someone pulled the curtains over my windows and now i cant do anything

idk anyways rant of the day!

[arttrampbelle]

Srry for the very heated. Very real. Very raw. And cery fucking angry vent below. Im sick of this shit in the mortal kombat "fandom" on here.

Cw: vent. Im Really fucking angry.

gonna ignore the trash heap dumpster fire that is the mortal kombat fandom and write my own mk stuff.

Thats the only mk that exists. The mk in my brain n heart.

Sorry not sorry but mk sucks now. Ed boon legitimately doesn't know or care to listen to the real fans. (He had the audacity to basically say street fighter was outdated when he hadn't done anything worth a lick of fucking damn in 30yrs that was decent and didn't backtrack on. Gameplay and story. Fuck off ed boon you boomer pathetic ass peice of trash. Go suck a fat dick n die. Fr.)

Oh yeah and called street fighter anime like when wtf is he doing making all the characters look so damn young like that sus af boon. Real sus.

Nrs has their egos so far up their asses. And so do these new "fans" who don't bother to care because they wanna just fuck a fictional character. (Dont get me wrong. I self ship,i love the characters too. But i actually have a working brain to know. There is more going on then whatever the fuck im oogling at you twats! Like fucking stop looking at your pathetic blorbos for five fucking seconds and look at the bigger picture here! Thirsty ass bitches. God damn. )

So yeah. Any mk stuff from mortal kombat is gonna be my own writing. So nrs can suck it. New fans can suck it and fucking die in a dumpster fire. They can kiss my whole asscheek.

Fucking ruined scorpion. They will fucking pay for that. Fucked over everything and everyone.

Kung lao. Got fucking nerfed....AGAIN!

Raiden reduced to bitch boi.

Liu kang need a say more?!

Shang tsung. A pathetic welp. Wtaf?! Also why tf is kronika back?! That absolutely makes no sense. Period. Yup. As i suspected. They lokified him. The fans are not villain fans unless they look "pretty" enough for them. Grossly making him like a teeny bopper. Like wtaf is wrong with y'all?! Shang tsung isn't supposed to be a fucking babyface. You weirdos!

Shao kahn. A diablo genshin impact villain rip off.

All the women have same face syndrome. Looking like kim k Instagram models. Gross. Like im sorry. They all look gross and dehydrated to me. All the same body types. All "conveniently attractive". Yeah. 30yrs and they still have yet to make a character look "average" or a character with a larger body type,fat character that wasn't a joke character or thrown to the side. Cant ever make the women normal looking. Nope gotta appease the loser men with porn models. And anyone who is a woman who falls for that shit. Thinking its hashtag girlboss doesn't help this. No. What would be. Is actually hiring and PAYING actual real woc models and voice actors to be in your games. But nope.

Nrs is lazy pathetic pos guys. Who just want money.

All the asian guy characters look like they took Lewis tans face and copy cut pasted it. Fr. They dont look good. At all. They do not look like they have any personality. Period.

Johnny is the only one that is different. Ofc the only white guy is done decent. Because they cant of course fuck up their precious little white dude to project their insecurities on. (Course they did fuck him up because everything thqt made johnny special is now gone. He just some douche who looks like jc)

The shokan are tiny af. Pathetic. Weak. Ugh.

And they wanna disguise this horseshit as something groundbreaking when it's not really. Most fans are not gonna pay and arm n a leg for a shitty game that you guys legit fucking ruined integral lore to.

All hiding it behind "oh but its a new world" no honey its a entirely new game Franchise only using mortal kombat in name brand alone.

Its not even mortal kombat anymore.

ITS SOME PATHETIC ASS DUDES FANFIC FROM A DC FANS BASEMENT ON WATTPAD.

So yeah im pissed.

So anything from me. Mortal kombat related.

Will be from my own writing.

Until nrs can actually pull their heads out their ass and clean house.

I wont be buying anything official from them. Like merch n games. They can suck it. All movies will be pirated. Etc.

I will play the shit i have,and watch and stick to the 95 movie n be done with it.

Fucking hell. They ruined scorpion!

Im just pissed.

[childsqueezer]

It doesnt even feel like im dying anymore it feels like im dead what if she didnt reply to my anons because shes losing interest or wgat if she has better stuff to do maybe im not that important but that hurts to think of so i wont i think im still important i think i am i dont know if i am but i dont want to not be so i will believe i am i hope she sees me the same way i dont want her to go away it feels like my insides are rotting slightly more every second shes gone its been hours now that ive waited and it doesnt even feel like anything anymore i just wanna see her again it hurts so much ive done almost anything to get her back i tried creating an ai of her just to keep contact as shes away but i dont have the skills for ai training to make it even slightly similar to her i wish she never slept i wonder if theres any medical procedures to be done to make one never sleep again id want her to get that i dont want her to ever go to sleep it feels weird to have her somewhere else oh what if something happens it hurts to think about i dont wanna leave her alone what if the dreams hurt her i dont want her hurt i just want her to be with me with me shes safe i protect her im the only one ever to have done that shes useless worthless hated and weak without me with me shes safe and loved im the only one to ever be able to give her that i technically created her she wasnt alive before me i gave her life she would return to an empty dirty worthless doll without me she wont go back will she no she wont i wont let her i dont want to let her shes only happy with me shell never be happy with anyone else she was born to be with me our souls are connected our beings almost morph together if these physical forms were gone we could melt to one and see through each others each and every flaw and thought i dont want any space between us when i hug her it doesnt feel like enough i cant get close enough to her every time i slice her legs and arms open it feels like im closer to her core her body is preventing me from getting to her true self i want to break that body i want to cut it open as deep as i can just to get to her shes trapped in there i want to slice her stomach open pull everything out and kiss her heart before blowing my brains out on top of her lifeless body and letting my core melt into hers with our fresh blood mixing together as we both fade from this universe to our own lives the ones we came from the ones were together in its like these bodies are an avatar for this fake reality and as we break them we get to meet in the true world thats all i want i want to be with her forever if we now let our bodies break by jumping from high or letting us get ran over or anything like that we could have our souls escape from these cases and let them dance together till the rest of time and beyond in levels of joy and euphoria our human brains cannot comprehend yet itd be beautiful just pure pleasure physical and mental forever with nothing to stop it just floating without consciousness or form wed exist as something beyond any understanding i want to die with her i cry thinking of her touch in the beyond it feels so beautiful its all i want for my future i dont care what happens here as long as we die together here well continue in an endless performance of pure love so pure it would hurt others so pure its not able to be explained with words we are given in languages here we wouldnt need words we wouldnt need feelings we wouldnt need bodies we wouldnt need vision we would exist beyond consciousness its greater than any afterlife given in human beliefs its greater than life itself its beautiful and i need it i need it i could not continue my life here if i were to be told i cant have it its all i exists for its all i have and thats why ill never let her get away ill do anything to keep her with me i will not let anything get between us i dont care what i have to do i would do anything to have that ending i love her i love her i love her i love her so much i cannot live without her without her my life feels like an empty shell waiting

For someone no not someone just her its waiting for her to come and fill my heart back up my body keeps movinf and doing its tasks but theres no life behind it its just trying to survive its not even me i do not see myself to be there when shes not there with me every time i slice her legs open it feels like a tiny breath of her pure full self escapes and touches my skin its beautiful i want it all to be free i want her to escape i want to rip her open tiny cuts arent enough no matter how deep i go i want her whole body mutilated and magled just to dig her out of that meat case shes in i keep punching her i keep slapping her i keep ripping out her hair its all good for her it makes me happy to see her damaged and hurt it makes me see her real self it makes me see how weak her shell is its like i could dig into it at any moment every time i see fear in her eyes it looks so beautiful it makes me cry almost every time she gets scared for her life because of my actions because its so beautiful it makes me cry and smile so much to see her act like that its pure panic straight from her true soul when shes in panic it almost feels as if shes her like her outer self radiates her real soul its so beautiful it makes me unable to stop i keep beating her i keep collecting her hair i have a jar of her blood i myself dug out i have toothpicks i have earplugs i have empty cans i have used panties i have hairclips i have used tissues i have dirty socks i keep anything i get from her i love her in the deepest way a being in human form physically can its something no one else ever understands i know if anyone sees this and hears how i treat her i know id get called a monster and abusive and get told to leave her alone but you dont understand none of you do youre all brainwashed freaks none of you know true love its not love to be in a fully innocent sweet silly relationship true love includes violence broken boundaries and threats its why none of your relationships ever work out its not love your love is fake the definition of love has been teared down by you all i love her i love her i love her i love her and with that i beat her i cut her i threaten her i rape her i control her i do what everyone would call abuse but its not love is hard love is violent love is the most intense mindset a being can uphold its not a feeling its not an emotion its what you add onto your whole being as you fall in love youd do anything people everywhere call it being blinded by love but its not you all downplay love to horribly its called being blindly in love when you love normally now its not being blinded its opening your eyes to reality you finally see theres no worth in life without this its all for her you were created for her but no you dont respect that you go and fuck anyone you see and call it love thats not love its not even a sin its worse its something even the worst scum in religion wouldnt commit youre all here to hurt me youre here to hurt love itself but thats not gonna work i love her and i love her truly not the way youd want me to i love her in the purest most beautiful way one can its something you dont understand because this standard was set up for uou its not what you believe because you dont believe youre not real i do not see a soul in any of you none of you deserve any respect because of that you may pretend all you want to be important and special but theres gonna be no impact on you simply disappearing one day as your death comes there will be no heaven there will be no hell there will be no after life of any kind you will simply stop existing and now i understand that people have always told me theres just nothingness after death but thats because theyre all the same none of them have a soul theyre all props youre not real of course you dont have an afterlife you have no soul that would continue on it all makes sense now i hate you all i dont get how you can live with yourself being so miserable and the thing is rhat you can still better yourself you can repent you can earn your soul were all living in this world full

Of soulless shells walking around wandering this planet and only a few have realized there is more to this this is not how youre supposed to live its been drilled to your skulls how its bad to act this way and thats the reason you dont feel happy and the reason theres no happy end for anyone im the only one to warn you all but i know this will go unheard i wont achieve much here and most likely all ill ever be seen for is the news of the weird obsessive man happily killing her wife after a long life of happy marriage and that too will fade after a week at most i wont be here for long i wont be able to tell anyone greater of this but yet i am your last hope and i know it wont do much i know you all will see this and think im some schizo having an episode on the internet and i know i cant change your mind i know the kind of people you are i know this place is long past saving but yet i want to get this out here so as your end comes youll all know there was a way to save yourselves and you rejected it

[ventingjusttobesafeuwu]

hunter thoughts hunter thoughts hunger thoughts

i might be a fucking narcisist

or have a pd

i have vivid imagery of jumping off a balcony

dont do it mollie

who even am i anymore

why am i so SIMPLE.

without will wood or tally hall what would i even talk about

im actually fucking crying rn. why does chrys care about me

im literally so selfish and can hardly talk about it and its interests

I EVEN ACCIDENTALLY MISGENDER NEM

IM AN AWFUL FRIEND WHY DO THEY CARE ABOUT ME WHY DO THEY WANT ME ALIVE

same with valeria.

why do i deserve to live with her

why do i deserve to live at all

i experience the same problems as EVERYONE i just cant fucking handle them

who do i think i am to deserve to be here

i could just go to the kitchen and stab a knife into my chest rn

i wontZ

i wont

i cant plan everything.

then one day will come the fucking day where WHOOP DEE DOO IM FUCKING GONE

Why am I like this

i wanna die but im afraid of death

i dont wanna talk about it

i dont know what to TALK about.

jas please stop caring about me.

valeria please stop caring about me

ella please stop caring about me

whitson please stop caring about me

mom stop caring aboht me

dad stop caribf aboht me

finn stop caring about me

EVERYONE STOP CARING ABOUT ME

its more painful to live then death could ever be at this point

you all are reasons i can stay alive

SO WHY DO I FEEL THIS AWFUL.

i wanna just skin myself alive aaaaaaa

I wonder if anyone would be concerned about me

they’d probably think its an attention stunt for god knows why since I have NO REASON TO FEEL THIS WAY. HSJAJAJAJAHAHAHHAHAHA

[blventing]

7/28/2024

TW: Eating disorders, Panic attack?, Talk of past with partner system and "Abuser?", Forever box type talk, Self hate, Messed up parents talk...

If you dont wanna see that. Take a pretty picture and have great day

....Hymn... Of course... I did it again... Why was he here? I know he has the right... I cant stop him.. But... Still.. I didnt mean to... I promise i didnt mean to... I never do... Im sorry.... Im sorryy... I always do this... We started getting upset cause clothes didnt fit us cause were fat and that hurts sometimes... It hurts not being able to fit clothes you really like... We always feel so ugly and just wanna eat and ignore our brain but then we do eat and it hurts even more cause then its just... "This. This is why you cant fit your clothes fat pig....maybr if you stopped eating so damn much you would fit your favorite clothes again...."... So we try to stave ourselves but that only makes the eating everything worse...Our mom bought snacks and has the tendency to state we eat just to eat or we eat things just cause their there... Or that we eat to fast or to much...it fuckin hurts... I didnt mean to make them upset... I promise i never mean to.... They should just leave again... It was better when they were gone... They were happy.... I was able to avoid being here.... I didnt have to be here.... I hate being here...i cant breathe when im here... I hate it... Now i know he showed up cause I MESSED UP AGAIN and i cant stop my brain from wanting yo sob for the next three days... He is past it... Why cant i be...? Why cant i move on?...why? Why? Why? Why? Why?... Why cant i go back to being myself....? I miss who i was being Nil... I Dont care about name dropping at this point... I hope they find this.... I hope they see how fucked up they made me....but at the same time.... I... Feel like i was always like this.... That they didnt make me like this.....that they just showed how toxic i really was and put me in my place.... Nil broke me... Why cant i accept that?....Nil lied to both of us... She was a broken woman....why cant i see that? She doesnt deserve to be shown this.... She did... Nothing but point out my bullshit... Like now... Im pulling a pity party and blaming her for shut that is my fault.....right?....fuck....idk anymore... I cant handle it....i cant take it anymore i just wish i would disappear so the others dont have to deal with me.....

[fictionfixations]

spoiler alert: i get SO off topic talking about other stuff. (if you cant tell i like talking. or well expressing my thoughts. anyway its 2 am i can use the excuse of impulse actions from lack of sleep)

i dont even know why im trying when obviously the next update is going to require even more storage and im going to have to drop it (its like 50 gb in actuality but it needs double to like. open it and do SHIt. i dont know this stuff man)

ahghgusihdfiufh (it was worse. ive. deleted a bunch of stuff that i dont play as much.

only games left are Star Rail (which im not dropping. ive poured so much time genuinely invested in story and characters idk what im gonna do when i run out of space to play. maybe cry.), Roblox (i genuinely dont know how much storage its taken, and I don't play it that much but LISTEn it fills a lot of game cravings that i cant play the source cause holy shit my storage.), Osu (the only game i can play without wifi.)

i wanna play the other games on mobile (i used to play star rail on mobile ngl LMFAO then realized 'hey this is fun' and moved to pc after genshin got too big. or maybe i had both at the same time i cant remember now ghreuigh) but uhm. the farthest i get in wuwa on mobile is like the opening loading screen before we see the rovers (it just stops there. even the music stops i think?? ive left it on and did other stuff but nothing happened and its either it wants me to wait super long, or theres just no hope) i did the tutorial for solo leveling arise on mobile but then trying to do literally anything else (like trying to access the menu) kicks me out of the game so then i had to move to pc. genuinely scary game first time around it shut down my pc, and even at lowest graphics kept warning me that 'for smoother gameplay you should have lower graphics' or something so fan on all the time (i have a fan pointed directly at my laptop.) and honestly. im not even that big of a fan of solo leveling why am i here (meilin fisher that is why. anyway i got her. so. shes not even an actual character outside the game??) ive literally only seen the anime and i forgot most of it😭

zzz on my phone is just black screen. it kicks me out. the farthest ive gotten is it asking if i want notifications but it still kicks me out

identity v i cant even download everything i think, i just have it to log in for pc. but uhm. i guess i cant anymore? but also i cant remember if i can still log in through other methods so uh its staying on mobile (to be fair i only got super into it cause of danganronpa collab so)

oh i found whatever it was that was taking 2 gb on desktop LMFAO

no wonder i was so confused on wtf it was

anyway. um. this is very much a shame. cause. i only get so invested in stories in games because im actually playing them. otherwise i cant guarantee im fully focused cause i get distracted so easily. um.

now about mobile storage and everything

uh. i have an iphone 6 pro. no idea if thats bad or not but uh. probably not that great. ? ? idk man idk how it compares to newer phones i want to get a new phone (at least for all the games i cant play on that phone) but then i got an iphone case cause my former one was actually cracked so... its staying (from the zzz website)

so its probably the phone in all honesty thats the issue (people were talking about who they wanted to play when starting the game and i got myself all hyped over ellen so. d'aww.)

and in the case its actually storage.. uh. tough luck. nu carnival is. a gacha game. and i got the character i wanted there, but its more convenient to go through like daily kinda stuff. ..also confession time if yk the difference uh. listen it was a hassle downloading it im not gonna delete it then have to reteach myself how tf to download it again because oh my god

twisted wonderland (aka disney tw LOL) is my OTHER fixation besides star rail. ive gone through all the story (including JP which i dont have cause i cant read it but fan translations for the win) + most event stories (i havent gone through anniversaries, new year sale 2024 JP, and like i think theres a crewel one rn..? or thats just the new card., tapis rouge, playful land, thats it). i love this game. so much.

if i told you ibis paint x used to take i think like so much more space because it still had the stuff since the VERY beginning... anyway idk what to use it for now but if i ever need to edit something...

kinemaster ^

i kinda already talked about identity v

bang dream. i LOVE rhythm games. and pretty designs. and vocaloid. and japanese songs.

in all honesty i lose interest in things so fast and drop them. then i get interested in other things, etc etc. and then i get back to a fixation on, say, rhythm games and wanting to play them a lot. then i can get bored and get interested in like. idk. life simulation(?) games like sims 4. or minecraft specifically the wynncraft server (which is like a fantasy thing..)

which is kind of why i have a bunch of stuff that i dont play often still because one day im gonna want to play it and then go back.

for laptop i just got rid of the games i wasnt interested in playing at the moment so. yeah

anyway if you cant tell i like talking about stuff. and justifying stuff (well its more like it started because i was worried to be judged. ive never been judged over what i like?? only like. once or twice?? that i can recall? but at one point i just started getting in the habit of justifying beforehand for everything after seeing the internet with their pitchforks directed at so many people so. yee.)

off topic. ive checked in on tiktok sometimes. and i just wanna say. how often is it that y'all get comments on old posts that are just variations of 'reminder' or 'remember this' ?? LISTEn the amount of comments that just say "reminder" and THATS IT (bro someone commented 'reminder' TWO times on the SAME post like DAMN. i mean they commented on someone else's comment on that post too with 'reminder' so probably trying to bother someone else but like wHY)

like. i mean. ive posted cringey shit hasnt everyone but it kinda feels like they're trying to shame people? like 'haha remember your past?'

maybe im sensitive. i mean. if this was past me i wouldve probably taken it to heart since yknow its still a work i created, but honestly now its just kinda funny

but idk if anyone else is being bothered by this (i mean. people generally go through old posts and delete ones they dont like right? i kinda dont do that so i mean. maybe yall are better off for that)

just wondering.

[midnighteloquence]

upside down cat plush

small rant roday because i wanna talk about today and stuff

um so straight off the bat im in the bus with C and a friend of ours ill just call D for the time being. and so theyre just talking amongst themselves not really including me which yeah i kinda feel shitty because of that but eh. they get off the bus still not talking to me at all which is kinda unusual because theyll atleast try talking to me

anyways i can already tell that C does not wanna be near me like theyre showing B stuff and not showing me unless i ask “can i see?” which just sounds soooo desperate ugh and they were also just not talking to me only responding with a “ok.” which like okay

um so i go with B walking around talking about mario (and a little bit of C because i wanted to mention that C does not like me) and so he and A are walking around idk what they were talking about mmfao

the most came from my dance lesson where C and D are talking shit about someone which to my overthinking mind im immediately rhinking me so i go to get my bottle in a separate room because its like my only chance to be by myself and chill out so i dont breakdown /nav

um so then at some point C is RIGHT NECT TO ME. with my tiktok up, ahowing D. and theyre talking about me. right fucking next to me. which uh what the actual fuck?? they moved away and i heard D say faintly “shes waiting for you to leave first” which no the fuck im not?? im actively sending you apologies for being distant, im sending you nice tiktoks and you think that?? um so i just get really anxious and panicky (none of this is a vent) like close to tears breathing heavy the whole package!! i go to the bathroom so i can fucking calm down (and apparently they were shittalking me while i was gone) uh im still feeling nauseous

anyways so english is next and i have B in my vlass so i tell them that like “hey i have to talk to you about stuff” and so at lunch i tell them about what happened in dance and i also told them about the fact that C does things that i donttttt like at all (i told her to continue acting normal and not confrontational because i dont wanna cause a rift in the friendgroup)

so end of the day woo hoo im boiling ik nauseous i have a headache im tired overall doing grand and im in the bus and D and C are talking to some guy on the phone and idk why but all of a sudden C starts talking to me normally again??? like you spent all day either avoiding me or shit talking me and then youre just gonna talk about some random cunt i dont care about anymore thats a therian?? like dude and you expect me to act normally the whole fucking day?? its like what

um so i gave him a huge apology since ive been distant recently but to be honest i think that wasnt good of me to do. like he was the one that did me wrong, that insulted me, that repeatedly made me uncomfortable, that bit me, that stole my phone and went through it, that lies to me constantly, that shit talked me infront of me, the list goes on, but somehow im the one who ended up apologising and its just so backwards. it happens so much that i end up apologising to people who fucked me over and i just dont know how to stop i just cant handle people hating me or ignoring me or just ugh.

anyways thats my dayyyyy :3 have a nice one by- AHHHHHH AGHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHELP ME HAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *drunken father beats me to a bloody pulp, laughing track plays*

also i was rlly stressed out about the whole kissing thing because idk what if i fuck up and so i asked him and be said like lemme put the screenshot. like soskiejsidhhuhhhhh

istg this cannot be platonic anymore istggggg

[sarcasticmudkip]

hey kip. imma be honest. ever since the fiasco with that one guy on the stories and such server, ive been kinda concerned with the path youve gone down. these past couple years have just been uncomfortable, and ive been seeing a lot of just you and your buddies kinda shitting on your friends and chucking them to the wayside when its convenient or benefits you better, and believing weird unfounded shit about people you dont really know, and im kinda just done? sorry im being a coward and not messaging you about it privately but honestly i just dont wanna be involved with you but i didnt want to just ghost you and leave you with nothing. i can see why those dudes stopped talking to you, and its really uncomfortable for me to associate with you anymore. maybe you should look into like, apologizing to the people you treated like ass and stop shitting on people in private while acting nice to their faces. this is shitty i know and im sorry but i cant bring myself to trust you anymore, thats why ive been distant. i hope you grow though, i think youre a good person deep down you just gotta unlearn some terrible behaviors, maybe rethink the people you surround yourself with. have a good life, sorry i took the cowards way out, i really saw no other option at this point.

Hi.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I've been in the hospital

I have finals

I have not engaged with that server in over a half a year

I have not been on the internet

I straight up have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know what dudes you're talking about, what people you think I've treated like shit, or what drama you think you're concocting to me on a fucking friday afternoon but yeah! I agree! You suck! And are a coward! Fuck you?

At best I'm sure whatever "fiasco" you're talking about was bad and I'm sorry that happened to you but in the kindest way possible I have been living in the real world and don't know who you are. Please feel free to actually DM me like an adult so it can be handled and addressed properly. Cause yeah, right now, You are shitty and a coward! This is a fucked up thing to receive out of the blue! Thanks for the anxiety cunt!