#today on actual things i said as a child
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god i fucking hate my dad
#he came home today from a bike trip he went on and he's been arguing with me about honeybee the whole fucking day#he keeps saying just let her out let her run around! every time i put her in her pen to nap#and he refuses to stop her from biting him#and he got mad at her for playing with his socks when she'd just been playing with mine and he threw them on the floor of the living room#which first of all stop being such a fucking slob#and second of all what the fuck did you expect to happen? it's a soft new toy on the floor where she spends most of her time. where all her#toys are. very similar to the two soft items she's allowed to play with (my socks)#she's fucking 3 months old she doesn't understand the difference between my socks and his socks#and i keep telling him i know what im doing i was doing all the research while he went to buttfuck nowhere on his midlife crisis motorcycle#but he just wont fucking listen to me#and hes like oh youre at that age where you think youre right about everything and are so stubborn like fuck you actually#first of all im stubborn about this because its a living breathing puppy and his actions will affect her behaviour as an adult#and bc i know what im fucking doing. ive been an animal person my entire life. i did all the research. i did this exact same thing with#parrots for five years.#and hes like you cant just put her in her pen every time shes being a dog like no i fucking dont. i only put her in her pen when it's time#for a nap and she's getting overtired. you can't just let her run around until she collapses bc for one she never fucking will#second that's only going to make her energy threshold higher and then she'll be absolutely impossible to handle#and i told him that and that i read that on like every professional dog training source i read#and he said that might be true or might not be#like it fucking is bitch omfg#and then he tried to one up me like um i actually raised you guys for a long time i know what im doing#like a child is not a fucking dog. also my mom raised us lets be fucking serious. and look how well adjusted i turned out#and he told me to relax and calm down like i wasnt even arguing with him but i sure as hell will now#like dont tell me to fucking relax. when has telling anyone to relax ever made anything better. especially a teenager. especially a (for#simplicity's sake) woman.#and i told him dont tell me to relax and he got all pissy and stormed off#like literally fuck you#im my fathers daughter. im just as stubborn as he is.#rambles
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not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it
#i really said “okay big performance in the city square let's make this work” and i did but absolute fuckery of the manager just made me...#and she also used to complain about being an opening act-- like come on that's a nationally-renowned band and we're not there yet 😭#we used to fight a lot though so ack i really should have taken that as a red flag#but i was 14 and stupid 🤷♂️#being solo way better uM i shouldn't say this yet but i got a commission today audhauagah i don't even have a portfolio#fuck guys i'm so so so nervous from big changes in life because uM god i just came from actual hell with various things working to make me#kms#but uH we're uH not too keen on that anymore atm and uH it's probably going to all fuck up after i share that i have good news in life#but yk what#let's keep challenging god#i know he hates me#but we will not be defeated we will strangle him by the tie#AHHHH help me i want to get into music again pls pls pls pls pls#anyway back to my old band manager#she was known for being a shitwad in the scene anyw but i was young and stupid as i sais#and i defended her and rationalized her behavior because “we're friends right”#i'm starting to get why my mom is wary of people i get to know#i'm tbh a fucking idiot i would never admit that elsewhere (nah i do) uM my brain is bouncing off the walls#i took a bargain with 7pm coffee and look where it got me#i was also getting up there in my 5 days of uni absences agsgshags#DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THESE I KINDA HOPE NOW NO ONE DOES#IM KINDA UHHH MY CHILD THERAPIST SAID UNCONVENTIONAL#I THINK SHE MEANT FUCKING CRAZY#sorry#oh yeah i walked tf out the band after that big performance set up just for us because i couldn't keep working with that kind of environment#other bands started flocking to recruit or proxy after i was let go by my famously fucked-up ex-manager LOL#but um i have issues so i'm not among them and i think they get the message tbh#appears and disappears#that is actually my brand
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idk how to put words together to say what i want to say. so if this doesn't make sense that's why. i think sometimes the language about fetuses used by pro choice people is intentionally inflammatory and further drives a wedge between pro choice /pro life. and sometimes the lack of respect is so glaring. what is your gross, dehumanizing, awful descriptors of a fetus supposed to accomplish? you aren't winning anyone over. you're pushing others away. and for the folks who have experienced miscarriage, can you imagine the grief that comes only to be met with "it's just a disgusting alien parasite clump of cells"? you're only posturing to other people who already agree with you. you're taking no care. no compassion. why should anyone ever listen to you when you obviously discredit the significance of pregnancy? why should a pregnant person trust you when you belittle a massive decision and call their growing baby insignificant & a cancer? idk man. i'm not blaming anyone, i just. maybe think about it for a few minutes before you call a fetus a smeared shit stain. okay?
! i am staunchly pro-choice ! this is not a condemnation of abortion ! abortion should be easily accessible to all people !
#maybe i'm just more sensitive because of past experiences but#idk man#it's not accomplishing anything to talk about fetuses that way#and it's really polarizing#what are you hoping to accomplish?#what other ways can you accomplish it?#what material impact do you hope to have?#and yes every example up there are things i've actually heard/seen people say about fetuses#and some of these things have been said directly to me to my face about my baby#they assume because i was a child i must have been glad to miscarry and think it okay to be absolutely vile#but i grieve every day every day every day even over a decade later#and every day every day every day for the youngest#both pregnancies if i had carried any longer would likely have led to abortion bc my body cannot and that still would have devastated me#so maybe i'm just sensitive but think about how common these situations are#these are sensitive topics and i wish folk would understand that#i mean the bare minimum is just to not be an asshole yk?#like who are you helping?#it's not me it's not struggling soon to be mothers it's not people grieving for a baby they can't carry to term#hell it's not even folk who desire an abortion or people who don't think twice about it#you're helping no one and hurting and pushing away a hell of a lot of people in the process#i'm tired#the grief is so heavy today
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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"fnaf is the scariest game ever" "no its silent hill" "well i think its resident evil" everyone shut up!!!!!! youre all wrong. its actually zack & wiki quest for barbaros' treasure (on the nintendo wii) but only the level "keeper of the ice". that level scared me so bad as a kid and you can tell because its the only individual level i remember the name of off the top of my head. like there is nothing scarier than a) being chased and b) being on a time limit. and you know what this level has? BOTH OF THOSE. this level is still scary to me im like AHHHHH!!!! and then i die
#i had to google horror games after i thought really hard for silent hill and fnaf#because like. resident evil is just not a horror game in my mind... its just cool zombie game...#to be fair though. the only one i actually played a portion of was re6 which is probably the least scary one in the whole series#anyway do the kids still find silent hill and fnaf scary. i dont know.#well the former id say yes given how prevalent ps1 horror has been in recent years#fnaf i have no idea. im a massive wuss so its scary when i play it for myself#but watching someone else play them especially when i know them well isnt scary#and ive watched fnaf videos for YEARS#so i dont know. (old man voice) these damn kids... back in my day we watched markiplier scream at freddy fazbear and we LIKED it!#anyway its objectively a horror game and thata literally fine thats all i needed for this post#MY POINT HERE. my point here#IS THAT HIT ZACK AND WIKI LEVEL KEEPER OF THE ICE. IS SOOOOO SCARY#its not that scary but i see tjat level and im like 3 years old making my mom play this level for me again#and for the record yes me and my sister really did make our mom help us with z&w#she remembers helping us with frost breath the most because we like did notttttt get that one at all#and she could never remember how to do the mirrors based on what combination of stands is there (because tjeres like a few variations)#so she always had to look up a guide 😭😭#my poor mother on fucking gamefaqs or something in like 2010... legends only#anyway if you have no idea what level im talking about (any of my oomfs reading this that isnt end) (hi end) PLEASE look up this level#and i need you to think of like a 5(?) year old making her mom play this game.#this aforementioned child is still a massive wuss as an adult btw. some things never change#anyway watch that level and think about how someone like me. whos already a scaredy cat!#imagine how someone like me felt at age 5 possibly younger playing this level#I WISH I COULD LIKE CONVEY EMOTIONS OVER TUMBLR. why cant i attach a .emotion file to this post#anyway ramble over <- hes said that like a million times today#scariest level in a game ever...!!!!! FUCK that keeper of the ice bitch im GLAD he died#muffin mumbles
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english used to be the normie filter & how you could tell someone was a Trve Internethead but after the DAMNED 2020 quarantine for obvious reasons EveryBody & They Momma is acceptably fluent so now i have to learn swedish or something. -_-
#already been spending time this past year & a half i only need someone to actually speak it with IRL for maximum efficiency#technically i want to say 2019 people were already turning to english at least in my city. 7 year old me would be so happy but#ARRRRRRGHHHHHHH#YOU ARE POSERS I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH YOU & I NEVER WILL. has me feeling so ♯DECEIVED#native english speakers will probably never understand this feel#speaking english now is just as cringe as i thought being francophone was a decade ago Yes even as a child i was against normies#i was forcibly taught.by my millennial older brother i had no choice but to abide by that line of thought & so here i am today#well he was right. not anymore he ain't but he used to be#but technically you can say this new wave of self taught anglophones are going against the current & remnants of colonialism so well#it is a good thing objectively i just miss the ease of recognizing Real back in the day TT_TT like you just KNEW they shared your interests#& weirdness they knew your references it said something about what their social status likely was too ETC ETC. But not anymore...#i enjoyed it tho i had a bestfriend whom i mostly spoke english with & we were known for it we were outcasts#i distinctly remember this fag who got so mad at us & harassed us for it during middle school recess. like fluency was a bad thing#we were not even gossiping about him Altho we should have been. & that was the best part is that it was a barrier#so you could talk about anything out loud & nobody would be able to understand you & at the time it was just us & our older siblings#+their friends
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spent weeks psyching myself up to stand up to my mum and then immediately got shot down by her 😃👍
#vent incoming i apologise in advance for the long tags#we've lived together just the two of us since dec 2021 (although her boyfriend is here like 2/3 of the time as well)#and since i got my job in march 2022 i have been paying half of all the bills (literally down to like tv license when i barely watch the tv)#which is £300 a month#plus i buy all my own food + pay for the amazon prime she uses + contribute to various household things like toilet roll etc#and she doesn't have a mortgage so i am paying the same amount as her to live in her house#(and it is very much her house not our house)#and I've never been very happy with any of that but never complained either#but then recently it turned out she never set up the water bill when we moved in (it's one of the only bills i didn't sort for us)#so we have a huge backdated bill from dec 2021 and i knew she was going to tell me to pay half#so for the past month or so I've been preparing myself for this conversation and sure enough today she came and said 'we owe £700'#so i was like 'oh i thought maybe it would've been covered by my £300/month' which is the biggest stand I've been able to work myself up to#and she immediately started going on about how i live here too and use water too so it's just as much my responsibility to pay#and how when we're both earning i should be paying my share and i was like yeah i know that's why i never complained about paying before#but also i already pay more than most people would to live with their parents#and she went off about how actually most people charge their grown up kids rent on top of the bills so really i'm lucky i don't have to#(when she got the original £300 figure it was actually rounded up from like £240 to include 'rent' but i wasn't gonna bring that up now)#and in conclusion she doesn't see why she should be subsidising my bills#like i don't know maybe because you're my MOTHER and i am your CHILD who is just starting out in the adult world#and maybe that entitles me to being treated better than some lodger???!!!!!#anyway i paid the bill and now i'm trying and failing at not crying at my desk 😃#talking
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fucking hate fighting with people's who's main strategy is straight up lying & screaming & crying until you give up trying to even attempt communicating. just coming up with the most batshit, insane lies they can think of to slander you & they literally just don't fucking stop, like persistence predator shit except they're just doing it to avoid having to take responsibility. what the fuck is going on in that kind of person's brain
#30 years old btw. is how old this person is#screaming & crying on the floor like a toddler is apparently a good strategy to make people believe you#even when the other person is saying ''what are you fucking on about none of that shit happened''#& it doesn't even matter that there is absolutely negative proof it happened they will believe this anyways#because i'm already the family Bad Guy. anything you accuse me of i did it. because there needs to be a Bad Guy#the reason i'm being accused of attempted murder today btw is because i said & i quote:#''instead of throwing my food in the garbage just ask me what it is so i can tell you not to do that''#i should've known better than to try the communication route with people who only know how to DARVO#& also that ''accused of attempted murder'' thing is real. that is currently the version she's settled on#i apparently ''chased her around with a knife & threatened to kill the pets'' which i don't even need to explain how untrue that is#she literally spit on my & threw water on me & threw piss (yes. urine) at me & threatened to smash my computer#& broke a door & told me to kill myself like 8 times & said i'm a scammer & that i'm not really disabled#& then started shitting on me for being a furry?? & when i mentioned that's kind of homophobic & ableist#she started going on about how actually most furries aren't gay so it's not homophobic as if there aren't stats stating otherwise#she's a 3rd grade substitute teacher btw. yes this terrifies me#there is a HUGE reason my sisters went into teaching & that's because i was no longer a child they could abuse
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today my nephew asked me what an mp3 reader is I finally understand my elders
#stuff like this happens all the time#every time we talk i realise that we're growing up in two completely different times#also he moves through apps#every time i mention something a website or some other thing you can find online#he asks what app is that#and I'm like baby no#the world is not made of apps#apps in the way they exist today are younger than you#or all the streaming platforms#i looked for a (definitly legal) movie in front of him the other day and i played it to check the quality#because him and his mom wanted to watch it and couldn't find it#and all he said was On what platform did you find it#i was like I'm gonna tell you a story#✨the story of internet in the early 2000✨#listen we grew up with internet meaning that the internet has grown with us which means that we know it#we know how to be safe on it we know what to do and what not to do we understand when something is real and when something is not#the problem with all these new generations is that yes they know how to use a phone since year one but in reality they have no idea about#the internet they have no idea about what they hold in their hands they have no idea about what they can do with it#what the hell they don't even know how to access the internet#they don't know websites they don't know every app is actually a website#the same nephew once turned on a computer and was so lost and disappointed he asked me#is there YouTube on this thing?#my child! you have the world at your hands and you're asking me if there is youtube in it#and yes of course he's a child he need to be thought stuff abd you're right#but also not if it makes sense#at least in my experience i was left completely alone on the internet and yes i was probably watched at a distance from my older siblings#but i was given the space and time to explore it at some point i had my very own computer i was on socials at a very young age#most of the people my own age where#and we were way more responsible with it#idk where am i going with this i don't really have a point
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abattoir blues / the lyre of orpheus is an album that makes me all nostalgic for being like 3. which is odd since, well, it's abattoir blues / the lyre of orpheus.
#looking through my parents' cd collection has me all nostalgic#because in the cottage we lived in when i was really small they had a wall full of these green cd boxes#and weekend mornings they would put a cd on and i vividly recall dancing around in this tiny cottage in my pyjamas#with my dad throwing me around and me giggling my toddler head off#it is a very nice memory#yeah. most of the music was not very age appropriate#like it's one thing to want to show your child actual music that you like. but nick cave??? really????#i do still like nick cave and it didnt psychologically damage me or anything#actually the only song that frightened me was hotel california which massively creeped me out and i refused to listen to it until i was ten#the nick cave didnt scare me and stagger lee at least was always skipped as was omalley's bar (courtesy of my mother)#but like. i hear today's lesson and i go ooo i remember my dad singing this at me with great enthusiasm when i was two#and then i look at the lyrics#and i go hmm#i remember being like 7-8 and my neighbour asked me what music i like and i said nick cave and he gave me a look and said "really?#i dont know i would have expected one direction or something“ and i said ”no i hate one direction“ and he was like ”well alright then“#he must have been so startled in retrospect
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You know, it started as suspicion and hypochondria but now i'm like convinced i'm actually autistic and constantly masking and experiencing burnout and severe social anxiety as a result of it and now i kind of want to see a psychologist
#me two weeks ago: yeah i don't mask like at all lol#me today realizing that i literally used to say i 'intentionally developed social anxiety to stop being so awful'#which is LITERALLY what masking is#me two weeks ago: i don't have meltdowns lol i don't lose total control like that#me now having learned what shutdowns are and remembering that i literally also did have meltdowns as a child#and also i ACTUALLY HAD A MELTDOWN LIKE LESS THAN A YEAR AGO#oh#bruh i stim constantly but my more extreme ones are heavily suppressed like i HAVE to be subtle about it or people will yell at me#abd i was bullied as a kid and i was too socially inept to even realize it was happening until years after!!!!#i just knew tht sometimes people said mean things to me and i didn't like that but i was just playin in the dirt man!!!!!#i got in a fight once because i didn't know that what i was doing qualified as 'fighting' and then suddenly i was on the ground with a boy#screaming at me tjat he was gonna kill me😭#and i had no idea when was an appropriate time to be loud and when told i just didn't listen and a teacher literally thought i was#mentally r-worded to quote her but obviously#i'm NOT but i was a little girl so they didn't bother checking if i was AUTISTIC#bro i sucked my thumb until i was like 7-10 and had a scar on my thumb from my teeth digging into it#THAT WASNT NORMAL
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hell day today and i'm only two hours into my EIGHT HOUR SHIFT
#9 to 5 by dolly parton starts playing in the background..#literally had to open up shop alone 2day and also was entirely alone for the first 45 min. of my shift so that was already a negative start#to the day + i heard that i can't have my break later than two thirty which is very bad for me bc 1) there'll be a lot of ppl all around me#when i'm eating which i already dislike and 2) like 85% of ppl taking their break around that time are VERY noisy eaters so even worse and#then 3) it'll be really loud in the room as well bc everyone's talking loudly and eating and the cutlery's clanging against plates and such#and also some ppl have actual full-blown arguments with each other in the break room bc half the ppl here hate each other's guts so more#negatives to the day and then on top of that we've had sooooo many annoying customers already today who r just. intent on making u stressed#out and upset and literally will tell u to your face to 'do your job better' like bro...i can easily tell you haven't worked in retail....#also someone hung their clothes on the rack outside the fitting rooms which is where u hang ur clothes when you're DONE fitting them & don'#want them bc they don't fit or don't sit right or u just don't rlly like them after all so if clothes are hanging there we the ppl working#there WILL take them and hang them back in their original places what did u expect to happen?? anyway someone hung the clothes they had#tried on already and did want there and i reached out to take them bc like. that's what we do here..we hang the clothes on the 'discard#rack' back in the store bc else the rack gets stuffed and the woman literally grabbed my arm and said 'those are mine what do u think you'r#doing' LIKE?????? GIRL THE RACK'S THERE FOR A REASONNNN ofc i'm going to assume u don't want them anymore if they're hanging there that's#why it's called the DISCARD rack....also how am i to know those specific clothes are yours HONESTLYYYYYY STFU AND GET OFF ME#ALSO some dude was like (to his child but like. looking at me while he said it.) 'this guy needs a haircut doesn't he' bc my hair is kinda#long and apparently i passed today. LIKE 1st of all kind of a rude thing to say to a stranger innit 2nd of all setting a great example to#your child there just casually commenting on other ppl's looks like that👍 3rd of all jokes on you you wouldn't consider me a guy if#you Knew most likely. thanks for that little zing of glee much obliged <3 but also man just piss off will you. 4th of all my hair isn't eve#that long....like the ends of it are just shy of my shoulders wdym LONG if u knew the long-haired guys i know you'd faint.#anyway. great start of the day. i still have six more hours to go 🥴#ALSO no surprise this always happens but my legs already hurt SOOOOOOOO BADDDDDD :(((((((((((#r.txt
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Did I really wake up early and go all the way to the university library, in the rain, in order to motivate my self to actually work on my thesis instead of staying home and doing nothing, only to give up at lunch and write The Bad Batch fanfic instead?
Yes. Yes I did.
These clones are gonna be the end of me, clearly.
#tbb#the bad batch#fic writing#I guess?#Laz complains#to be fair today is also just a bad day for sounds#in that every single sound around me that’s not my music (tbb theme on loop…) or people quietly studying#is just SUPER annoying and making me want to rip someone’s spine out#or possibly my own ears off#honestly even just people calmly talking about whatever they’re working on is almost too much#but the most annoying things are: people walking and talking loudly; people stomping down the stairs; a microwave dinging somewhere#the cleaning lady with her… hand-pushed Zamboni for floors; the other cleaning lady on her phone; something that sounds like a shower???#someone playing music although I think that was for their project too and it didn’t last long#several people talking on their phones actually#do people not know about the ‘phone booths’ upstairs literally for the purpose of talking on your phone#without disturbing anyone else/being overheard? (one guy was talking to a doctor about either a sick child or a sick pet I’m not sure)#(he said a number that could be a social security number)
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feeling just so heartbroken thinking about smth my baby sister said earlier
#she asked me if she was fat and just.#ik she was asking bc she was worried she was and thought it would be a bad thing if she was#and just like. shes only seven years old ik that this shit is forced on kids from a young age but its so upsetting hearing it directly#this isnt even the first time shes been worried about/asked about this but its just esp upsetting to me today#i think bc she was talking about a rude girl in her class just before#i told her that it wouldnt matter if she was becuase it wouldnt change the fact that shes an amazing person#but idk if it got thru to her and i feel like i shld have said more. idk#also this bit makes me really mad she said she asked out mother about it#and her responce was to take her weight and height and show her that she was a 'healthy' weight#like just. shes fucking seven shes not asking bc shes concerned about her health shes asking bc she feels like it makes her lesser if she#is fat when all you tell her is that shes not fat your just reinforcing the idea that if she does gain weight thats a bad thing#also the idea of healthy weight is bs#idk like. its my mum im not surprised based on how shes treated me her actually fat child but its still so upsetting#like just. so fucking shitty this is why i have to fucking. get out of here !!!!#but also why i feel rly guilty abt the idea of leaving bc id be leaving behind my siblings#like they deserve better than this nd ik if im gone they wld loose a huge source of actual support which they dont get#from our parents#+ i wuld miss them. a lot#but at the same time like. i cant fucking stay here !!! idk#whatever. getting v sad+scared thinking abt the future. so ill stop#vent#flappy rambles#tw fatphobia#edit: also im too tired to find the studies rn on a vent post but i swear tht like. its proven talking to kids abt their wight at all#has a negative impact esp with taking their weight so like. wtf fuck my mum omfg
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missed my classes today after doing something IVE DONE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE [sleep harder after falling back asleep in the mornings]
guess who has to go to bed at 8:30 PM rather than 1am BECAUSE SHE MISSED ONE FUCKING DAY OF FUCKING ONLINE SCHOOL
#im gonna wake my child up at 7 somthing because shes in online school and usually gets up 30 min before her first class#and her first class today is at 8:30#and shes not gonna go back to sleep since she said 'ok' to me#charbeloved says#FUCKING HELL DAD I DID WHAT YOU DO#“if it takes you being bored out of your mind” I WILL START RETHINKING EVERYTHING AGAIN#THERES A REASON IM HAPPY NOW#ITS BECAUSE IM NOT TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THE LITTLE VOICE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND TELLING ME IM A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT#AND ALL I DO IS FCUK THINGS UP AND MAKE EVERYTHING JUST THAT MUCH MORE DEPRESSING AND ANNOYING AND NOTHING I WILL DO WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOU#ADN THAT I DONT EVEN DESERVE TO LIVE OR THAT I DONT DESERVE SHIT#THAT LITTLE VOICE#WHEN I HAVE TO GO TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR AND NOT WHEN I JUST FALL ASLEEP THATS ALL I CAN FOCUS ON#YES MUSIC HELPS#BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT STUPID VOICE ISNT LOUDER THAN USUAL#LIKE GOODNESS#I DONT CARE ABOUT THE WAY MY BODY CONTORTS WHEN I JUST FALL ASLEEP#BUT WHEN I HAVE TO FORCE IT ITS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH#I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU#AND IM SORRY ABOUT THAT#I NEED THERAPY AND I GET THATS EXPENSIVE#BUT THERES A LOT OF SHIT YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW ABOUT ME DAD#I NEED TO BE ABLE TO GO TO BED AT WHATEVER TIME#I ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP *QUICKER*#I HAD A *SCHEDULE*#NOT ANYMORE MR.#LIKE I WILL SAY OKAY TO ANY AND EVERYTHING WHILE ASLEEP#YOU COULD ASK ME WHAT MY FAVORITE COLOR IS 'ok'
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i've had this blog since september 2013, which is also around the time that i started considering myself a real person. from that point to now there's been a lot of predictable tragedy, yeah, but there's been a lot of unpredictable happiness too. there's also a lot of stuff that just sorta happened and that's actually most of it
#I had more thoughts on this but it was waxing a little poetic and truly what can I say that hasn't already been said on aging and changing#im slowly losing interest in the fantasy of being able to assuage the fears that 13-year-old me had#because who would I be today if not someone who once struggled with things that are now remnants?#actually I might tell that child that not everyone is so lucky that they get to move on and out and up
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