#the same nephew once turned on a computer and was so lost and disappointed he asked me

[thetriangletattoo]

today my nephew asked me what an mp3 reader is I finally understand my elders

[captain-apostrophe]

19 FOR SANGCHENG

I hope that you enjoyed it, thank you for all your enthusiastic support! <3

(also on ao3, if you prefer to read there)

[Gen; SangCheng; Zoom meeting gone wrong]

- Bird Professor -

"So it's what time, there?" Huaisang asked, stifling a yawn (he hoped) behind his coffee mug.

Professor Jiang looked startled, like he hadn't even considered the time difference, then squinted at the bottom corner of his computer screen.

"Two," he said. "What time is it there?"

"... let's just say late. Or early. Pity me, is the takeaway here."

Professor Jiang laughed, and he did look pitying, which Huaisang appreciated. He was sacrificing his beauty sleep for this, after all.

"So," he said, figuring that concentrating would help him to stay awake, "lay it on me, what'd you see? You said that you had photographs?"

The first time they'd spoken he'd assumed that it was a prank, but the mysterious caller had called him again, the next day, to apologise for his drunken behaviour. And when he'd sheepishly explained that he had a bird-related mystery in the wetlands he was studying, Huaisang had been convinced with embarrassing ease to join the project as a consultant despite the fact that he was currently in a highly incompatible timezone.

Professor Jiang was handsome, was the thing. Plus, so few people ever seemed to want to listen to him talk about birds. He even paid attention, now, as Professor Jiang shared his screen and began to scroll through the pictures. Since birds were the one thing Huaisang would willingly look away from a pretty face for, he shrunk Professor Jiang's webcam image down - and that was how he almost missed it when the door to Professor Jiang's study slowly opened behind him and a toddler wobbled their way into view.

The kid was cute, if you were the kind of person who found kids cute (Huaisang was ambivalent about them: appreciated their aesthetic, did not appreciate their noise and mess levels) - unsteady on their feet, hands held up for balance. Huaisang hid his smile the way he'd been hiding his yawns, behind his mug, and decided to let Professor Jiang notice in his own time... but he did re-enlarge the webcam image in the meantime. The toddler moved hesitantly, dropping out of view once when they lost balance and fell on their butt, but a moment later they were up again, determination writ across their chubby features.

The door opened further and a woman in an apron, with one wide-eyed glance up at the computer, crawled into the room in a valiant attempt to stay out of view of the camera. It didn't work, but it was cute that she tried.

Professor Jiang, enthralled by his work, almost fell out of his chair in surprise when the toddler reached the desk and grabbed his arm.

"Ah, dangit," the woman muttered, giving up and sitting back on her heels, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "I thought I'd get to him."

"Jiujiu!" the toddler shrieked, and cackled delightedly as Professor Jiang scooped him up with a wry smile.

"Professor Nie," he said, a blush spreading across his cheeks, "I - apologise for the... interruption."

"Ah!" the toddler added, leaning forward and patting his hand against the screen. "Ah-ba!"

"Not at all," Huaisang said, giving in to his giggles at how satisfied the kid looked to be included. "I'm more than happy to yield to a local expert."

"Ba," the toddler agreed. His face scrunched up happily, gummy mouth wide open and eyes screwed shut.

"I'm sorry," the woman said, struggling against her own laughter as she got up and retrieved the kid. "I turned around for one second and he was gone."

Once they were gone, apologies accepted, Professor Jiang smiled sheepishly.

"My nephew," he said.

Huaisang, who had been feeling vaguely disappointed by the thought that his handsome colleague was married, perked back up again.

"Oh?"

"So, uh. The birds?"

"The birds, right."

Birds for now. Scoping out chances of a date could happen once they were in the same country again.

[sneegsnitties]

You become a memory of someone else’s legacy

[AO3 LINK] [FF.NET LINK]

Summary:  After a run-in with a strange sorcerer, cole is sent somewhere familiar, but also incredibly different. Stranded with no way back, will he be able to find his way home or will his memories be replaced and lost forever?

Chapter 1

A hooded figure wanders the alleyways of Ninjago city, a crow calls out and lands on his shoulder. His blood-red eyes shine in admiration at his companion.

“Good. you’re back.” he says, the mask on his mouth makes his voice come out in a rasp, “did you do what I asked of you.” the crow caws in response, confirming that it did exactly what he asked it to do. He smiles within his mask. “Perfect.”

With a flourish, his cape swirls around him, encasing him in a black cloud before he disappears completely, leaving nothing behind as he travels between this world and his own.

He steps into his lair, takes off the mask on his face. Revealing the sharp teeth beneath it in his smile, and some of his not quite human features as he walks over to his spell book on the pedestal. Flipping to the page he was looking for.

His smile widens. “My friend,” he looks up at the crow, “it’ll work.”

~

There are some days where Cole wishes that things could be more interesting. Today is one of those days. There has been no new criminal activity or some adventure that he and the others need to go on. Or something like that. Hell, they haven’t appeared publicly in months. Aside from Shintaro, but that’s barely anything.

“I’m bored.” Jay moans.

“We know, Jay.”

“Why can’t anyone do something? Is it bad that I want that to happen? Just so we can have something to do?”

“Aside from training, that Wu insists that we do so we don’t end up soft like last time?” Nya adds, “yeah, I feel the same.”

“We could walk around the city, it would be better than sitting here and doing nothing,” Pixal suggests.

“That sounds like a good idea, we could go visit your father, get food at Skylor’s,” Nya says.

“I’m down to go.” Kai sits up, grinning.

“Is it because Nya mentioned Skylor?” Cole teases

“Yeah,” he says, blinking before realizing the implications of what Cole had said to him “she’s a lesbian, Cole.”

Jay bursts out into laughter.

“I know, I just like teasing you.” He grins at his fiery brother.

“Even if you weren’t, she already told me she wasn’t interested,” Kai adds, standing up and stretching.

“I will let Master Wu know that we are heading out,” Zane says, standing up as well to go to the door.

Before Zane can open the door, Master Wu comes in with a concerned look on his face.

“Everything okay, Master?” Lloyd asks.

“I suppose, but I have gotten word from the commissioner that there was a cloaked, mysterious figure spotted in the city last night. He had disappeared into a cloud of smoke.” Wu says looking at all of them. “They do not have a physical description of him at the moment. I was coming to ask you to search for him. Please be careful, ninja. We don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“Of course, master. We’ll be careful.” Cole says with a smile, knowing how much of an effort that he’s been putting into making sure they know he truly cares.

“We were just planning on visiting the city anyway, so we’ll look while we’re there!” Jay says with a grin.

“Should I take the mech?” Pixal asks as she opens the entrance to the hangar bay.

“I think that would be smart to do.” Master Wu says, “we can never be too careful with unknown threats. Return to me safe.”

Cole nods and follows the others into the elevator.

As soon as it closes, jay speaks up, “is it me or Wu more… caring?”

“Yeah, I noticed that too.” Kai says with a shrug, “it’s not bad, it’s just weird.”

“Kind of reminds me of when I first came to live with you guys.” Lloyd grins mischievously.

“I think he realized while we were in Shintaro when I almost gave up in doing the burst, he realized he’s been neglectful in his teachings, and maybe being an authority figure, too. He’s been stepping up.” cole says with a smile.

“About time for that.” Lloyd mutters, “what?” he says when everyone else is giving him a strange look, “he doesn’t treat me like his nephew. Or… family.” He says.

“So what do you think this dudes deal is?” Kai wonders aloud after a moment of awkward silence and walking out into the hanger and into the newly repaired land bounty as Pixal heads into her mech.

“I am unsure, but it sounds like Master Wu was… afraid. Like he knew what the commissioner was talking about.” Zane frowns.

“Better not be another one of those ‘there’s something I haven’t told you’ things.”

“I doubt it.” Cole sighs, “he seemed incredibly freaked out, plus I think he’s trying not to do that anymore.”

The ride into the city is relatively quiet aside from the music coming from their shared playlist through the speakers of the land bounty.

“It would be smart to stop by the police station to get more information if there is any,” Pixal says, her voice filtering in over the music.

“That’s what I was thinking. If we have time afterward, we can do what we were originally planning on doing,” Nya says as she steers the land bounty towards the police station.

“I now have doubts that we will.” She says, disappointment clear in her voice.

“We can visit another time, it’s all right,” Zane says with a reassuring smile, even though the samurai can’t see it.

Once they reach the police station, they find the commissioner is waiting outside for them.

“Oh, thank goodness. I’m assuming Wu told you?” He says with relief and leads them all inside.

“He told us you called and that a masked, mysterious figure was spotted,” Lloyd says with a frown.

“Yes, he was. We don’t know what his deal is. Though we fear it isn’t good. We know what we know because of security cameras spotting the guy in back alleys with a crow, talking to it. He asked it if it did what he asked it to do and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.” The commissioner explains. Leading them over to the computer to show the footage of the mysterious man. “We also reached out to the people in the area, they knew nothing. Nobody does. Whoever this person is, he’s a new threat that we know nothing about. Did Wu know anything?”

“No, he seemed… afraid. Like this was something he hasn’t heard or seen anything like this before.” Lloyd says with a frown.

The commissioner grumbles, “I’ve had my men out there looking for clues. So far, nothing. If you seven can find something, anything. Let me know.”

“Of course. Thank you for telling us this. We’ll do everything we can.”

He grins, “I knew I could count on you. Now, go, save the city, make sure we’re safe. Again,”

The ninja split up, each of them going in different directions to cover more ground. Cole went check out where the mysterious man was originally spotted. Looking around the alleyways to see if he can find anything that isn’t trash or stagnant water. So far, nothing. Not even a crow feather.

“I was wondering when one of you would show up here.” Cole hears a raspy voice behind him say.

Cole turns around quickly, preparing to call the other ninja in when he is unexpectedly knocked to the ground.

“To be honest, I wasn’t expecting you… earth ninja. But that just makes things more interesting.” He rasps, allowing Cole to sit up and get a good look at his assailant.

What Cole sees, intimidates him. The man’s glowing, blood-red eyes, his black hair, the mask on his mouth that looks like an incinerator vent, the black cloak that makes him blend into the background, making it almost look like he’s invisible if not for the golden embroidery on it.

“You… you’re the person that the commissioner talked about.” Cole says, staring at him intensely.

“Ah… so you know of me.” The hooded figure says, with the tone of voice he was using, Cole can only assume he’s smiling underneath his mask.

“I know that you’re an evil dude who needs to be taken care of!” He says, standing up and summoning his lava hands in preparation.

“But you don’t know everything about me, it seems. Good. I wouldn’t have expected you to. I’m not from this dimension, after all.” He says, circling Cole, “go ahead, call your little ninja friends. It may be the last you hear from them.”

His eyes widen, he falters, his earth punch disappears. Was he going to be killed?

Quickly, he presses his hand to the com piece in his hood. Making sure that he keeps an eye on the figure. “I- I found him! In the same place he was spotted!” He says, the fear hopefully not being too obvious in his voice.

“You did!? Don’t confront him until you have backup.” Nya voice filters through.

“Oh, it’s a little too late for that. He confronted me.” Cole says, summoning his earth punch again. The fear and the adrenaline make it hard to hear the various voices of the other ninja telling him to hold off.

As he attempts to punch the guy, he disappears into that cloud of smoke. The earth ninja goes right through.

Coughing, he turns around, hoping to get him the next time. Before he knows it, he’s choking on the smoke, gasping for air. He didn’t think this through, did he?

“You little fool.” The earth ninja hears through his haze as he continues to choke on the smoke. “You thought you could take me on your own.”

“Y- you threat- threatened me.” He chokes out. He can barely breathe.

The last thing he hears before he passes out is the laughter of the man, “you shouldn’t have taken your chances.” he wheezes, “you do not understand what I’m capable of. Foolish little ninja.”

[toast-connoisseur]

ALL of the Ask Me Stuff questions

* 1: Full name: For safety purposes I’ll shorten it: Maria Barbara Gonzalez (yes, that’s the shortened version. I’m Mexican lol)

* 2: Age: 25

* 3: 3 Fears: Being buried alive, anything bad happening to a loved one, SPIDERS

* 4: 3 things I love: My family, my friends, movies

* 5: 4 turn ons: soft touches, kissing, making me food, a confident personality

* 6: 4 turn offs: Overly cocky people, racists, chewing with your mouth open

* 7: My best friend: I’m lucky to have several and I love them all with the individual pieces of my heart they each own

* 8: Sexual orientation: Queer/Gay

* 9: My best first date: I don’t think I’ve ever really gone on one tbh lol

* 10: How tall am I: 5’1 (barely make it to the 1)

* 11: What do I miss: Bars/clubs and Disneyland. Hugging people. Not losing so many people on a daily basis...

* 12: What time was I born: 3:38AM

* 13: Favourite color: Blood red (NOT maroon)

* 14: Do I have a crush: I always crush on random girls

* 15: Favourite quote: “Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I’m yours forever.”

* 16: Favourite place: It was once Disneyland now, I don’t really have a place lol

* 17: Favourite food: All of it. Of course Mexican food takes the top of the list though

* 18: Do I use sarcasm: Noooo, you think?!

* 19: What am I listening to right now: I’m watching Buffy

* 20: First thing I notice in new person: What vibes you’re giving off

* 21: Shoe size: 7 for the most part but sometimes I can fit into size 4 kid shoes

* 22: Eye color: Dark brown

* 23: Hair color: naturally: dark brown, right now: black

* 24: Favourite style of clothing: comfortable but more on the lines of retro/rockabilly

* 25: Ever done a prank call? Yes!

* 27: Meaning behind my URL: I love toast

* 28: Favourite movie: I have so many but one is Saved!

* 29: Favourite song: Lots, but Guilty Pleasure by Cobra Starship

* 30: Favourite band: Avenged Sevenfold

* 31: How I feel right now: Mellow

* 32: Someone I love: my nephew

* 33: My current relationship status: single

* 34: My relationship with my parents: could be better, but it’s there

* 35: Favourite holiday: Halloween

* 36: Tattoos and piercing i have: I have two piercings on each ear, my bellybutton pierced, and 6 tattoos (R foot, R ankle, L thigh, L wrist, L bicep, R bicep)

* 37: Tattoos and piercing i want: I want most of my body covered in tattoos so I have a long way to go. As for piercings, I want at least two more per ear.

* 38: The reason I joined Tumblr: my friends said it would be a good time

* 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I wouldn’t say hate, but we’re not friends anymore

* 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Yes!

* 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? No

* 42: When did I last hold hands? It’s been too long :(

* 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? I work from home now so 0 minutes

* 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Yes

* 45: Where am I right now? In my bed

* 46: If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? My best friends

* 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable usually. I have very sensitive hearing.

* 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? They actually live with me, but it’s temporary.

* 49: Am I excited for anything? My upcoming move

* 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Yes, two actually

* 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? -I work Monday-Friday

* 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? -OOF

* 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Hot

* 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? -Everyone has different trust levels tbh. My best friends hold top tier.

* 55: What is something I disliked about today? I had to work

* 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Beyoncé!

* 57: What do I think about most? The future I want

* 58: What’s my strangest talent? I honestly don’t think I have one? I guess being able to mimic certain voices/accents sometimes but I wouldn’t say I’m pro

* 59: Do I have any strange phobias? I don’t think they’re strange, I just hate feet

* 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

* 61: What was the last lie I told? “I’ll work on that”

* 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? It depends who I’m talking to, but phone tbh

* 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Both are very real

* 64: Do I believe in magic? Yes

* 65: Do I believe in luck? To an extent

* 66: What’s the weather like right now? Nice and cold

* 67: What was the last book I’ve read? I strictly read fanfiction lately

* 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Don’t love it, don’t hate it

* 69: Do I have any nicknames? Barbie, Barbs, whore, homo... you know, cute stuff

* 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I split my eyebrow open and had to get stitches

* 71: Do I spend money or save it? Por que no los dos?!

* 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? No, but my best friend can and it’s so cool!

* 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? My sweats are pink

* 74: Favourite animal? I love animals but wolves are pretty top tier

* 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Sleeping

* 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Sexy. Mr. Sexy.

* 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? -I Wanna Get Better by the Bleachers

* 78: How can you win my heart? Be nice to me and have good conversations to me and occasionally buy me chocolate

* 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? The entire lyrics to Act Up by City Girls

* 80: What is my favorite word? Motherfucker

* 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I honestly bounce to and from so many. There’s no way I can only pick 5. All the ones I reblog from are so great!

* 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? STOP GOING TO PARTIES

* 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that I’m aware of

* 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? I can turn invisible

* 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? None really tbh

* 86: What is my current desktop picture? I made it into a winter wonderland for the holidays

* 87: Had sex? “It’s been 84 years...”

* 88: Bought condoms? I’m gay

* 89: Gotten pregnant? See above

* 90: Failed a class? I think in middle school maybe?

* 91: Kissed a boy? Yes

* 92: Kissed a girl? Yes

* 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Sadly, no

* 94: Had a job? Sadly (but also thankfully since I need money)

* 95: Left the house without my wallet? No

* 96: Bullied someone on the internet? No

* 97: Had sex in public? Yes

* 98: Played on a sports team? Yes

* 99: Smoked weed? Yes

* 100: Did drugs? Yes

* 101: Smoked cigarettes? Yes

* 102: Drank alcohol? Yes

* 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No

* 104: Been overweight? No

* 105: Been underweight? Yes

* 106: Been to a wedding? Yes

* 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

* 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

* 109: Been outside my home country? Yes

* 110: Gotten my heart broken? Sorta but I bounced back pretty quick so idk if that counts

* 111: Been to a professional sports game? Long ago

* 112: Broken a bone? No

* 113: Cut myself? I’m very accident prone

* 114: Been to prom? Yes

* 115: Been in airplane? Yes

* 116: Fly by helicopter? No

* 117: What concerts have I been to? So so so many. I miss them.

* 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? I’m gaaaaaaaay

* 119: Learned another language? I’ve been bilingual since I was a child

* 120: Wore make up? Yes

* 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? No

* 122: Had oral sex? Yes

* 123: Dyed my hair? Yes

* 124: Voted in a presidential election? Yes

* 125: Rode in an ambulance? I worked for an ambulance company so just for fun

* 126: Had a surgery? Besides oral?

* 127: Met someone famous? I live in LA, so yes lol

* 128: Stalked someone on a social network? No

* 129: Peed outside? Yes

* 130: Been fishing? No, I’d like to!

* 131: Helped with charity? Yes

* 132: Been rejected by a crush? Fifth grade was a tough year for my love life...

* 133: Broken a mirror? No

* 134: What do I want for birthday? To be able to see all my friends in a safe environment

* 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? I’d like as many as I can comfortably afford. I’d have to discuss with the (future) wife about names

* 136: Was I named after anyone? The Virgin Mary (la Virgen Maria) and some Spanish actress named Barbara something...

* 137: Do I like my handwriting? No

* 138: What was my favourite toy as a child? I loved dolls

* 139: Favourite Tv Show? Bewitched

* 140: Where do I want to live when older? California forever unless properly convinced otherwise

* 141: Play any musical instrument? Used to play trumpet and alto sax. Can’t play anymore lol

* 142: One of my scars, how did I get it? See Q70

* 143: Favourite pizza toping? Pepperoni. I love all sorts of toppings but that’s my fav

* 144: Am I afraid of the dark? No

* 145: Am I afraid of heights? Yes

* 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Yes

* 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Daily

* 148: What I’m really bad at: Focusing. In my defense, I have ADHD

* 149: What my greatest achievments are: graduating college, getting promoted at work, buying my own car, purchasing a home

* 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I once got told “good luck on the short bus” by a guy that was upset I make more money than he does

* 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: take care of all my bills, invest, and then try to help as many of my loved ones as I could with theirs

* 152: What do I like about myself: my resilience

* 153: My closest Tumblr friend: @itssofragile

* 154: Something I fantasise about: My future

* 155: Any question you’d like? Nah, I think we’re good!

[eternalstereksecretsanta]

Love Always, Sant

@theydraggedmein | AO3 

Lily's Christmas wish is for her dad to be happy again, when she realizes it's something she can't do on her own, she writes a letter to Santa. Much to her disappointment it doesn't work out as planned, but then somehow, it works out even better.

“Lil, Don’t forget your backpack!” Stiles calls up the stairs, triple checking his carryon to make sure he has the perfect combination of stuff that will get both him and Lil through for a day or two in case their other bags don’t make the trip with them, he’s learned that lesson the hard way.

“C’mon kiddo we can’t miss our flight,” Stiles says, as he hears her little feet clomping down the stairs. He still can’t believe she’s seven years old, it seems like so much time has passed so quickly, he still gets a bit dizzy sometimes.

“Ready!” she calls back, her pretty blonde girls dancing behind her as she rushes toward him.

“Aht at, I don’t think so, lil miss. I know we’re in a hurry but you need your jacket and gloves and hat before you even think about stepping outside,” Stiles says, reaching into the tiny closet by the door of their condo. “I know it’s warm in California but New York in November isn’t . Besides, I don’t want to have to deal with you being all whiny and grumpy during the trip when you catch a cold.”

“Daaaad.”

“Yup, just like that,” Stiles answers, pulling his own jacket over his favorite red hoodie, tucking it tightly around him and zipping it up.

He shoves his way through the door, carrying his duffel on one shoulder and Liliwen’s backpack on the other. Their other two large suitcases are propped against the door as he watches, what he hopes is the cab he called for, turn onto their street.

Thankfully, the cab stops in front of the condo and Stiles breathes out a sigh of relief.

He hops out to help immediately, which surprises Stiles. He’s gotta be at least his dad’s age, probably older, but he moves quickly. He’s got bronze skin and a long grey beard, and a smile brighter than most.

“Here, let me help you with those,” the guy says.

“I got it, but thanks man.” Stiles says, images of the guy to pull something while carrying their bags fluttering through his mind. He turns to his little girl and nods toward the sidewalk. “Lil, wait right here while I get the rest of our stuff.”

Stiles heads back toward the door, making sure to lock it up tight before gathering up the last of their things. “How much does one seven year old girl need for a couple weeks in Cali?”

“Whatever, most of that stuff is yours, dad.  Aunt Lydia taught me how to pack.”

Stiles grumbles under his breath that he wouldn’t have brought so much if the same Lydia didn’t disapprove of literally everything he wore, or at least anything he enjoyed wearing. He gets the bags put into the trunk of the cab as quick as he can and ushers his daughter inside.

“Buckle up, Lil.”

“To JFK right? You off to spend Thanksgiving with your family?” The cabbie asks, waiting patiently for Lily to get her seatbelt on before carefully pulling back onto the road.

“Yeah, something like that.”

Stiles swallows as the thought of being back in Beacon Hills washes over him.

He’s been avoiding it for a few years now, the memories of their life together haunt him so much more when he’s there.

The park where they played as kids.

The coffee shop where she got her first job and snuck him slightly stale muffins when he was a starving college student.

The bench in front of the town square where he quietly proposed and she lit up brighter than a Christmas tree.

The small house they bought together and spent every weekend for the next year slowly fixing it up.

Beacon Hills is nothing but a ghost town for him now, it feels cold and empty without her there.

He knows it isn’t fair to the people he loves, to the rest of his family but it’s still true. Four years hasn’t been enough time to settle his restless ghosts, he doesn’t know if he ever will.

But with Kira’s due date so close she can’t fly, which means Scott and Melissa won’t either. So, his dad gave him one hell of a guilt trip about the time he’s spent away and now Stiles is sitting in a taxi on his way to the airport, trying desperately not to have a panic attack and scare his kid.

Good Times.

----

Derek stares at the blinking cursor, his mind taking him somewhere else entirely, like it always does.

He should probably just give up, he knows that. It’s just that writing is his passion. Even now when he can’t seem to string more than one coherent paragraph together, it fills him up with warmth and frustration and a million other things. He’s never felt that way about anything or anyone else, not even her.

He opens the document and blinks a few times, then suddenly he’s pulled back to her, back to what she did, and how he had nearly lost everything.

Damn her! Damn her for taking this from him. Though he he’d rather lose his writing than his family. So instead of smashing his computer or beating his fists against the table, he tries to be grateful for what he has left.

He pushes back from the desk and scrubs a hand over his face.

It’s just a waste of time at this point so he stands up, grabs his coat, and heads toward the preserve. If he can’t write, then at least he’ll have something to take his mind off of it with a houseful of pack.

“Unca Derrrk!” squeals come at him as soon as he opens the door, but he just smiles. He picks the twins up, one in each arm and twirls them around.

“It’s my favorite niece and nephew!” he says, chuckling as they giggle through his spins. Lexie and Bash never fail to make everything feel lighter and brighter. When Derek finally sits them back down, even he is a bit dizzy. They stumble a bit but their quick reflexes keep them upright easily enough.

Derek leans in and whispers conspiratorially, “Who knows where they’re hiding the cookies?”

“I do!” Lexie says, bouncing on her tippy toes.

“Let’s go steal some,” he whispers, grinning wide at the toddlers.

He stealthily sneaks toward the kitchen, the kids following closely behind, mimicking his cartoon villianesque approach.

Just before he reaches the archway into the open kitchen where he can hear Laura and his mom talking, Derek turns back to them and puts a finger to his lips. They giggle loud enough that he knows they aren’t fooling anyone, but he doesn’t really care.

He inches forward, nearing the counter where Talia keeps the cookie jar, reaching out for as Laura’s head snaps around so quickly he can hear her neck pop. “Oh I don’t think so. You are not getting them hyped up on sugar and taking off again Der.”

“Who me?” He says, pathetically fake.

“I’m serious, Derek. They’re all angelic and innocent when you get here and screaming demons after you’re gone,” Laura answers, turning to pull him into a hug.

He accepts it gladly, chuckling at her. He shrugs toward the kids, making a dramatic show of it as he says, “Oh no, I guess we got caught guys...no cookies for us.”

He subtly winks at them when Laura turns back to focus on her work, this time actually trying to go unnoticed as he gently lifts the lid off the ceramic jar and pulls out a handful of his mother’s delicious triple chocolate chip cookies.

He passes one to each of the twins behind his back. They cackle and take off running. Laura glares at him but he just shrugs it off, smugly biting into a cookie of his own.

“Don’t worry, I was actually thinking about sticking around tonight, staying here. The loft is just…” he pauses, unable to cut Laura off before she pipes up with a sarcastic comment.

“A depressing hole of self loathing and misery?”

Derek tosses a piece of his cookie at her face, albeit  a small one, not wanting to give up too much of it. There’s a glint of humor in his mom’s eyes so he doesn’t feel too awful about the waste.

“You know you’re welcome here anytime, Derek.” Talia says, pulling him into a hug once his hands are free. His mom’s embrace always comforts him, no matter the issue. Whether it’s because she’s his Alpha or his mom, he’s not sure but it relaxes him regardless.

“I know, mom. Thanks.”

“Oh hey, while I’m thinking about it. Jordan wants to know if you can cover his shift on Wednesday. We thought we’d do a quiet dinner at the house since he’s working Thanksgiving Day for the Sheriff.”

Derek scrunches up his face in surprise. He doesn’t mind working the shift, they don’t ask that much of him really, but it’s a bit of a shock considering the sheriff has worked pretty much every holiday except for Christmas for the last half a decade.

“Something wrong? John doesn’t usually take off until Christmas,” he asks, hoping there isn’t. The sheriff is a good man, one of the best he’s ever met if he’s honest.

“Nah, turns out his kid is coming home for a couple weeks so John’s taking Thursday off.”

“Really? What’s it been...Four years? Five?” Derek says, feeling a little angry on behalf of the sheriff. He doesn’t understand how someone can distance themselves so much from the people who care most about them. Maybe that’s colored by his experiences but Derek will never take his family for granted again.

“Why now?” he asks, reaching into the fridge to grab the milk, pouring himself a couple drinks to wash down the last of his cookies.

“Derek,” his mom said, and it sounded like a scolding. “Show some compassion. I raised you better than that. You don’t judge a situation you know nothing about.”

He feels about two inches tall at that, though part of him is still defensive on the sheriff’s behalf.

“Sorry,’ he says, as his mom looks at him coldly. She could probably hear his heartbeat skip over the word. “No I am, I just...I know how much it bothers John, how much it hurts that his family is literally on the other side of the country.”

“You have a big heart, Derek. I’ve always thought you take after your father that way. But maybe you should think about sharing all that loyalty and protectiveness you feel for him with his son and granddaughter, don’t you?” she asks in a way that leaves no room for a response before starting up again. “Even more so this time of year.”

Derek groans a bit, feeling as if he’s regresses into his teenage angst phase anytime he spends more than five minutes in his childhood home. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Just try your best to be understanding. That’s all I’m asking, sweetheart.”

“Yeah, mom. I’ll try,” he answers, escaping the warmth of the kitchen in favor of chasing down a couple rugrats to play with.

----

“Stiles, you know it’s okay to move on…” Scott starts, hating himself a little for saying it.  He can’t imagine how hard it’s been on his best friend. Losing Heather wasn’t easy for him either, though he wasn’t head over heels in love with her, didn’t have a child with her, couldn’t even think about it being Kira instead without losing control.

But he knew Heather too.

She was his best friend too.

And he knows that she wouldn’t want this for Stiles.

“Yeah…” Stiles says with a nod, though Scott can hear the slight hitch in his breath and the wrenching break in his voice. “I get that I’m allowed to move on, Scott. That’s not the problem. I just, I can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

He scrubs the pot a little harder than he should as he tries to figure out how to say what’s on his mind. It’s easy to see that Scott’s trying to help. The guy’s basically just a giant puppy who hates seeing anyone sad, especially him, he knows that. Hell, it’s part of the reason he left in the first place, not that he’d ever admit it.

Still, it takes him a few beats to find the words. But once he does, it feels like they’re not gonna stop. “It’s like a puzzle- No hear me out. Heather and I, we fit...we fit so well and for so long that our edges brushed together seamlessly. You could stare at the puzzle up close and it still looked like a painting, no jagged edges or marks to see that it wasn’t a whole.”

“When I lost her-,” Stiles has to swallow back the tears but he does it, used to having to hide it all inside himself . “Without her, the picture is broken and I’ve not found anything else that came close to fitting.”

“Stiles maybe if you just tried-”

Stiles raises his voice unintentionally, it’s just he’s heard the same lines over and over and they still hit him with a powerful punch. “Not so much as a spark, Scott. Nothing in four years. There are days when I still feel like I can’t breathe without her.”

“If it wasn’t for Lily, I’m not sure I would.”

Scott sighs, pulling Stiles against him and squeezing tight.

“I’m sorry, man...she didn’t make it easy did she? Setting the bar so high,” Scott says, smiling fondly as he thinks back on how much Heather seemed to light up around Stiles causing him to do the same.

They were as right for one another as he thought people could be.

Lily watches them quietly from the living room, frowning at the way her dad’s eyes get big and sad. It’s been that way pretty much the entire trip. She knows that being back in California reminds him of her mom and makes him sad, but she doesn’t know how to make it good again.

She’s seen it a few times in New York but not like it is here, not all the time.

It’s still a little early but Lily knows she’s gonna need some help so she’s calling in the big guns.

“Dad, do you have a pen or marker I can use? I’m gonna write my letter to Santa.”

“Already? Lil it’s not even December yet.”

“Well duh, I don’t wanna be stuck at the bottom of the pile,” she says, rolling her eyes at him. He laughs a little and it makes her feel better until he hands her the pencil and she sees that look again, but like he’s trying to hide it.

“Make sure you ask for somethin’ big. Somethin your dad can play with too, how bout an xbox?”

She knows he’s teasing but she shakes her head at him. “No, this year I’m asking for something special. It’s a secret.”

“Well okay, then.”

Lily runs upstairs, charging through the door to what used to be her dad’s room. She digs out some paper from her backpack and starts to write.

Dear Santa,

This will be the fourth Christmas without my mommy and the first one that will be just me and Dad.

I don’t think he wants to come back to California for Christmas.

I don’t even think he’d stay for Thanksgiving if my aunt Kira wasn’t going to have a baby.

The dad I have now, isn’t the daddy I remember from when mommy was still alive. He tries, he does good but he’s not just not the same. I don’t think he knows that I see how sad he is, but I do.

He went on a date once, a while ago, with the man who lives in the apartment over the cafe. Later that night, I heard him crying in the shower.

Don’t tell him, but I cried a little bit too.

At the beginning of my favorite book, The Christmas Bow, Annabelle loses her leg and doesn’t think she will ever walk again.

I think that’s what it’s like for my dad.

He doesn’t believe he’ll ever find love again.

I’m not asking for anything else this year. I don’t want anything else. I just want him to smile again, like really smile. The way he did with mommy. I want him to have someone to hold and kiss even when I say it’s gross.

So, if you could Santa. My Christmas wish is for my dad to get a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a g-gender-

“Dadd! How do you spell neutral?” Lily calls out down the stairs, impatiently waiting for her answer.

“N-e-u-t-r-a-l.”

“K, thanks!”

gender neutral friend.

He’s not picky.

I just want him to be happy again and I don’t think I can do it by myself, even though I’m gonna try.

He probably needs all the help he can get.

You’ve never let me down before Santa and now my dad needs you more than I ever have.

Bring back his spark.

Love Always, Liliwen Stilinski.

P.S. You can call me Lily

(read the rest on AO3)

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

Hypothetical plot outline for “Spider-Man 2: Prom”

(For simplicity sakes, I won’t really mention Infinity War. Let’s just say, this is set after Thanos’ defeat)

Peter Parker is in his junior year of high school and is now an experienced crime-fighter. Unlike Homecoming, he now has solid footing as Spider-Man, such as being able to intimidate bad guys and his web-swinging is far smoother than before. Ned becomes his official “guy in the chair” and even has his own “Spider-Lair” set up.

Which is his bedroom of course.

Also, Michelle joins “Team Spider-Man” when it’s revealed that she knew about Peter’s secret identity from the very beginning. We get a brief recap of scenes from Homecoming, but this time from MJ’s perspective. MJ joins as the “other person on the field” besides Pete. 

Rounding out Team Spider-Man are Aunt May and the newest main character, Gwen Stacy. For MCU Gwen, I had Sophie Turner in mind.

Aunt May is the den mother of the group while Gwen joins as the investigator a.k.a. “the girl in the chair”. Also, Gwen finds out about Peter’s identity early on in the film when Peter gets knocked out during his first fight with the movie’s main antagonist, Kraven the Hunter. While dragging Pete to safety, Gwen accidentally takes his mask off. Gwen decides to keep his secret by joining Team Spider-Man. Her inclusion in the team is not received well by MJ, who believes that Gwen is hiding something.

Also, yeah, there’s a love triangle subplot between Peter, Gwen, and MJ. HOWEVER, I want to emphasize that MJ is the one clearly favored by the movie.

Going back to the main plot, the MCU Kraven the Hunter is revealed as a big game hunter who fled to America in the 1910s after the Tsar fell during the Russian Revolution. The only reason why he is still young and fit is because he feeds off a de-aging serum developed by OsCorp. When OsCorp discontinues the serum, Kraven wages war on the company in order to get either the last sample or the formula in order to find someone to replicate it. Also, he decides to hunt the Spider-Man in order to add his head to his “collection”. 

For Kraven, I had Rory McCann in mind (wow, two GoT actors in a row).

While the fight with Kraven goes on, the high school side of the movie focuses mostly on Peter and MJ’s friendship/budding romance. Continuing off of MJ’s “observant” arc from Homecoming, it’s made obvious from the start of the movie that MJ is crushing hard on Peter. Meanwhile, Peter is a bit lost when it comes to his love life since Liz moved away and he’s still coming to terms with the events of Infinity War. 

That’s mainly where Gwen and MJ come in. Peter bonds with them both, with Gwen intentionally reminding Peter of Liz (the popular girl who everyone likes) and MJ being lowkey jealous. MJ eventually decides to step back, deciding that Peter will never look at her the way he looks at Liz and Gwen (you can just hear the inner angst) since she’s the weird girl with no friends. However, that’s when Peter makes his move. 

Around the same time MJ steps back, Peter decides to pursue her since he’s slowly returning her feelings. While he likes Gwen, Ned and Aunt May helps him realize that MJ’s been there since the start and despite her attitude at times, she’s always been there for him. In my head, his big eureka moment is when MJ gets him a new backpack with a note that says, “Heard you lost your backpack, you dingus”. Something like that. 

The turning point is when Gwen asks Peter to prom. He politely turns her down and runs off to find MJ to ask her instead. Peter asks MJ to prom and she happily accepts. On the night of prom, it’s even revealed she went out of her way and got a gorgeous red dress (another allusion to Mary Jane Watson!) 

Now...here’s where the big plot twists start coming in.

Kraven goes after Norman Osborn in order to find the last remaining vial of de-aging serum. By the way, for MCU Norman Osborn, I had Jeremy Irons in mind.

While holding Norman hostage, Norman’s daughter comes home. It turns out, Gwen Stacy is his daughter. The MCU Gwen Stacy is an amalgamation of Gwen and Harry Osborn (her full name is Gwen Harriet Stacy-Osborn).

Norman is forced to hand over the last of the serum, which Kraven takes. However, he keeps Norman and Gwen hostage since he wants to lure the Spider-Man out (Kraven, at this point in the movie, knows that Gwen is friends with Spider-Man since she saved him earlier). In order to raise the stakes, Kraven goes after the rest of Gwen’s friends, reasoning that if she’s friends with Spider-Man, then surely some of her other friends know him as well.

He pretty much kidnaps the entire academic decathlon team, right on the night of prom. When Peter learns MJ and Ned have been kidnapped, he goes into righteous anger mode and takes off into the night to face Kraven. 

While Peter and Kraven have their fight, MJ, Gwen, Ned, Norman, and the rest of the academic decathlon team manage to escape captivity thanks to Ned’s computer expertise. Before they can escape, Gwen and MJ stay behind to help Peter. Gwen takes matters into her own hands and enters an experimental pod designed to enhance a person’s abilities. She reasons that in order to fight Kraven, she needs to be more powerful than usual. However, what she doesn’t realize is that the machine drives its subjects insane. 

So Gwen emerges as the Green Goblin, but as a hero only for this movie (she’ll be the main villain in the third one). Gwen and MJ head off on the Goblin glider to help Peter. For the final battle, all three of them contribute to Kraven’s defeat. MJ disables the traps and destroys the serum, and Gwen and Peter take Kraven down. Kraven is spared since Peter has a no-killing rule.

Also, he’s spared since we need Kraven for the Sinister Six. 

This is where Gwen’s sanity breaks. Instead of thanking her, Peter rushes off to MJ to make sure she’s alright and we get a kiss. Already disappointed in him because he turned her down for prom, plus some deep-seated father issues and her mind pushed to its limits by the experimental pod, Peter and MJ’s moment pushes Gwen over the edge. But instead of going after them, she goes after her dad. 

(There’s a subplot about Gwen having father issues since Norman is a shitty dad)

There’s a short battle where Peter fights Goblin-Gwen while MJ escorts Norman to safety. Eventually, Gwen takes off into the night when she realizes that she can’t beat Spider-Man and that the authorities are arriving.

With prom ruined, Peter and MJ decide to have their own dance in the remains of the Osborn mansion. The academic decathlon team joins in as well, with Ned dancing with Cindy Moon (that’s the ‘my friends call me MJ’ moment of the movie, when Ned’s date reveals herself as Cindy). However, the dance is cut short once again when the group hears sirens in the distance.

Peter wants to stay but MJ tells him that he needs to go save the day and that they have plenty of time to dance afterwards. Movie ends with MJ saying the famous line, “Go get em, tiger”, and Peter takes off into the night. 

Of course, since this is a Marvel movie...

MID-CREDITS SCENE

Set a few minutes after Peter leaves, a meteorite lands by MJ, Ned, and the rest of the academic decathlon team. The Venom symbiote slowly makes it way into Ned’s backpack. 

POST-CREDITS SCENE

Aaron Davis drops off his nephew, Miles Morales, at his school. For Miles, I had Caleb McLaughlin in mind. 

[billvsamerica]

A Little British Jaunt

A week before we were due to depart to Florida on May 17th, I had a sudden realisation. Kroc Fury, a local 9-12 year old football (soccer) team, were set to play in the finals on May 18th. Normally, I wouldn’t care very much that a children’s team had a game, but on this occasion it was important because I’m the coach. Unbeaten since the first game of the season, they had a real chance of winning the whole thing for the first time since my inaugural season nearly three years ago. I had to make a decision: a) disappoint my wife, leaving her to drive eight hours alone and go down a day later to Florida on the plane, or b) disappoint a bunch of children who idolise me as a demi-god and changer of lives. I booked my flight for after the game. Oh yeah, it was also my wife’s birthday on May 17th. We lost the game on penalties, so I made the wrong decision. They really did let me down. Embarrassing. 

Kroc Fury changing their name to “The Let Me Downs” for next season.

Anyway, after sorting all that out we arrived back in England on Monday morning. After a day of tea and biscuits, we joined my parents on a trip to Oxford to see my brother. He’s teaching there while his girlfriend gets a degree from Oxford (ohhh, posh). Wandering the streets where other great academics had once roamed — Tolkein, Wilde, Hawking, Theresa May (ahem), had made me feel quite at home. I started to wonder whether I should have made more of an effort throughout my school life, messed around less, participated in positive extracurricular activities, got the qualifications I needed to get in, and had actually applied to go there, but then I thought, that sounds like a lot of hard work and I may never have come second in that pizza eating contest if I’d have chosen that path. 

After exploring the historic buildings, like the pub that Tolkein himself used to frequent, the old university grounds, and the Uniqlo that sold those boxer shorts that I like, we ate a Lebanese meal with my brother and headed back to Worcester on yet another pretty train ride. 

The next day, I was planning on getting pissed with my friends from University. It’s mad to think that I’ve known these guys since I was ten, because I haven’t. We met at University, I just said that — pay attention. My friends were coming from Cardiff and they suggested meeting in the middle at Chepstow on the border of Wales. After arriving, I quickly found out that it was only 15 minutes from Cardiff and over an hour and a half from Worcester. Haha, they don’t half like a wind up, those guys.

Bros in Chepstow on tip toes.

They had been in Wetherspoons since 10am, so me and Shelby had some catching up to do and we did so in one of the top five pub gardens in the whole country —the Three Tuns Inn. The only thing that was three tonnes by the time we left was my bladder after all the ale I drank, let me tell you (because I’m proper tough and manly). We reminisced over old memories and looked out over the nearly thousand year old castle. I was a little bit tipsy by the time we got back to the train station, where Rich (my so-called friend) twisted his ankle on the bridge and made quite a fuss about it. Maybe that wouldn’t have happened if we’d have met somewhere closer to Worcester, like Cheltenham perhaps, where I’ve heard the floorboards in the bridge have recently been refurbished. 

This candid picture was taken just after the incident. You can see Rich looking at his ankle and, from a safe distance, Jake also staring at it, both wishing they were in Cheltenham no doubt. 

The weekend came along and with it was the dawning of “Family Day”. In the morning, the family came over to our house and we drank mimosas and Bloody Mary’s. Later on we went over to my aunt’s house for pizza and the main event: Shelby’s Great British Poker Tournament. Joel, wearing sunglasses to disguise his sad little eyes, went ahead early on. He was incredibly cocky the whole time, which made it even more unbearable. I looked like I was heading for an early exit at one point. Down to my last chips, I went all in. I had to win to stay in the game. And did. The weaklings dropped like flies around me after that — Cat was so afraid she didn’t show up; Leah, gone; Lucy, bye bye; Mom, pathetic; Leah, it’s not snap!; Abby, come on now; Mika, no chance; Dad, embarrassingly kept saying that he was getting no cards up his end of the table when I know for a fact he was because of a carefully placed mirror behind him. Down to the last four players, the game started to get interesting. Jack won big and had the majority of the chips. He really let me down with a couple of poor decisions and then I basically bowed out to make him feel better when he lost them all. James came in second and Joel won. You’d think he’d won the Superbowl (that’s basically the Wimbledon Final for the Brits out there).

“And this one is called Cooke, the Baker. Now, do you understand, Joel?”

The next morning, James, Joel and Mika rocked up in a massive clanger of an Mercedes that he had bought recently. He kept saying how it was a cult favorite and everybody wanted one. Yeah, it was a cult favorite alright, looks like the bloody Manson Family used to own it! (Unfortunately, I didn’t say this at the time because it has taken me a couple of weeks to think of it, but I think my silence said basically the same thing). Still buoyed from his jackpot the night before, Joel was ready to splash some cash at the local flea market and I was ready to be told I didn’t need certain items by Shelby and that we couldn’t get them back on the plane anyway. As we turned into the car park, the parking attendant told James to roll down his window. I was half expecting him to tell him to leave because he’d sold him a dodgy motor in the past. Instead, he said “Can you get me one of those cars? I’ve wanted one for ages.” James, smugly smiled. 

After we entered, James immediately walked off in no particular direction rather than wandering around with his nephew he hadn’t seen in nearly a year. The rest of us traipsed around the stalls, Joel purchasing a carved wooden candle stick holder shaped like Jesus and Mika spotting a great gift for Ed Ford’s birthday. It was a lamp that had been crudely taped to a cricket bat and ball. It was the tackiest thing in the whole market. Joel was conned into buying some sunglasses that made him look like Ted Bundy and I bought three old West Brom programs for my brother and dad. All in all, a partial success of a market. When we were about to leave, Mika and Joel went back to buy the cricket lamp. They returned sullenly a little while later with no lamp. Remarkably, somebody else had bought it! Howzat!?  

Ted Bundy and his weird dog, Bear, who kept jizzing on everything (the dog, not Joel).

After Family Day drew to a close, Monday was unofficially named “Friend Day”. There’s a pub in Worcester that Ali Wilson says is his favourite. For this reason and many others, I have never ever been there. On this occasion, it was worth it. They were hosting a reggae sound system in the garden on Friend Day afternoon. With the sun beating down and the beats booming out, I could see why it was a good place to be, until I went inside to order a drink. I refused to give Joel the money to increase his single whisky to a double. In response, the landlord said something antisemitic about me not paying for it. Fortunately, Shelby was still outside, otherwise he might have been on the wrong end of a Jewish headlock. The music thumped out of the speakers and the droves of white people with dreadlocks bopped their heads in tandem and smoked a special kind of cigarette that had a very distinctive smell to it. I wouldn’t know what that stuff was though.

The next few days flew by like a low flying drone illegally filming somebody’s barbecue. On Tuesday evening, I jogged down to Pitchcroft, the local racecourse to play football with the lads for the first time since my knee operation. Will I ever be the player I was before again? I hope not, as I wasn’t that great and this knee is supposed to be better than the last one according to my doctor, Neil Snapinhaff, I think he’s Dutch (say it slowly to get the full benefit of this excellent joke). 

Stoked to be here, folks.

Wednesday, we drove out to Malvern and marvelled at the ancient hills that were said to have inspired Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings (this blog is very Tolkein heavy for some reason). Thursday, we said goodbye to dad and went to Brighton for one final night of fun before hopping on the plane home. 

Once in the coastal home of my cousin and her girlfriend, Abby, we went to eat a wonderful curry and had drinks at a cafe with computer games and stuff in. I didn’t much feel like playing games though. I took a moment alone outside and walked to the pebble beach. It was quiet out there, just the sound of the crashing waves to keep me company. I stared across the pebbles. There’s no place like it I said, but I looked around and nobody had followed me outside to hear my poignant statement. I ran back into the building and shouted loudly “I said there’s no place like it!” They all stared at me and then carried on playing their games and drinking their drinks. I suppose, life goes on for these little Englanders when I’m not around. And my great country will still be here for me whenever I need it. 

Not the only pebble dashing I’d done that week.

Sidenote: I was astonished to see the amount of kids who now do wheelies down the streets of Worcester. I may sound like a Daily Mail reader here, but I would just like to say that it’s very annoying and frightening for the elderly women who are just trying to stand and look at clothes they won’t buy. If all of you are doing it, then it’s not as impressive, is it? So, I propose you design a schedule that allots a different weekday for all of you to do it somewhere quieter, like, the car park of an abandoned warehouse. Also, I tried the Gregg’s vegan sausage roll and it was so good, I actually thought the woman in there had inadvertently given me a meat one, which, in fairness, she might have done as it was very busy. So have that, Piers Morgan, you daft bell end. 

My mad and sound family, plus that guy off Texas Chainsaw Massacre.