#apps in the way they exist today are younger than you

[thetriangletattoo]

today my nephew asked me what an mp3 reader is I finally understand my elders

[certifiablyinsanez]

Mammon is great ace representation: an essay on aphobia in the Hellaverse fandom

I’m seeing a lot of people be mad about Mammon having a thing for Leviathan. And I’m going to need the fandom to step back and examine these issues, because they are 100% rooted in aphobia. I have been out as an oriented aroace person for over 10 years if you want to doubt my credentials, rather than listen to my analysis, lived experience and reflect.

So. Tell me Hellaverse fandom; why, when it comes to Alastor, who is a character who very clearly has zero interest in others, it is always a chorus of people saying “aces can have sex”, “aces can enjoy sex”, “it’s not harmful to the ace community to use Alastor for shipping material, he isn’t real and asexuality and aromanticism is a huge spectrum”, “Aroace people can still date and have sex”?

But when it comes to Mammon, he is “bad asexual representation”, he “clearly experiences sexual attraction”, “he can’t be demisexual”, etc.

No genuinely, why is this? I want you to examine this, think on it from a place of neutral examination and come to your own conclusions. Because this is a worrisome double standard. This can for starters, be an instance of fat phobia. Because out of the two of them, Alastor is thin, and therefore closer to the beauty standard, which is hysterical considering that Alastor canonically has horrible hygiene, and I don’t think I know a single person who thinks that stank ass body and breath is attractive. Mammon, as seen from the slovenly way he eats, can potentially be assumed to have poor hygiene as well, but it has a very different connotation because of his weight. [Research the connection between thin privilege and body odor/hygiene. It’s very real].

I can spend a lot of time and energy going into the shipping dynamics between the shows, as well as how Alastor is a more “shippable” character in comparison to Mammon, but I honestly don’t find this as interesting or as compelling as to what I’m about to say next.

Because aphobia in the real world is still very alive and well today. In my 10+ years of being in the ace community, I have genuinely spent a lot of emotional energy, time, knowledge, experience, and compassion, just fighting for the right to even be acknowledged as queer. I have vivid memories from when I was first out of the closet at the age of 16, telling ace people across apps and forums that they were valid, that they weren’t broken, that they were deserving of love, respect, and a place in the queer community. I was telling people, younger, my age, and older that they shouldn’t kill themselves, that they had worth beyond what they could do in the bedroom for others. I had to convince people that they didn’t owe anyone sex, and that they were in fact being sexually abused by their partners. I was on the phone with people in tears. I spent HOURS of my life in these DMs at an age where I was a suffering, mentally ill queer child that was also being victimized by aphobia. Still to this day people think the “A” stands for ally. And still to this day people have discord about our community as a whole. I have had to sit and watch as people went from loudly proclaiming with their whole chest that asexual people didn’t exist, or at the very least weren’t queer. Then years went by and it became less and less okay to say things like that, because asexual people finally had fought long enough and had supported each other enough that we discovered our voices and began to use them. So people were finally facing the consequences of saying bigoted shit.

And now that they can’t say that asexuals aren’t queer, they moved on to another group. Demisexuals. Demisexuals by far have it roughest, because while there are many micro labels in our community to explain our diverse range of experiences, demisexual is probably the most well known one. And every handful of months or so I have to use my voice once again to stand up for my people, because an attack on one of us is an attack on all of us, and people on the internet have made it clear that they have no qualms of attacking us. The asexual and aromantic community have made extremely valuable contributions to the queer community that are entirely overlooked because we are not valued in it.

And this is why I have been an outspoken proponent of my displeasure over Alastor being a character that is the most shipped with others, and my disdain for the fanbase has grown even wider after Mammons appearance in Mastermind. It is a painful reminder of all the discrimination I’ve faced over the years, that my community still goes through. Because people are contrarians. Alastor is canonically asexual, and other aspects of his character are reflective of aromanticism as well. Well, the fanbase doesn’t like this so much. If you genuinely pay attention, you’ll notice this is a trend with a lot of other aroace characters. My favorite example is Peridot from Steven Universe, a canonical aroace character. In the show, Peridot goes through a lot of unlearning and growth. The scene where she tries to fuse with Garnet has massive implications for a few reasons. Because one, she is genuine in her desire to understand Garnet, and fusion better. And two, fusion while forbidden on Homeworld, is commonplace and normal in the Crystal Gems. As a Crystal Gem, she feels this is what is now expected of her. This is a major experience in the aspec community, as living in a cis heteronormative society means that sex, marriage and children are all things expected of each individual, which is dangerous and harmful ideology to everyone, asexual/aromantic people as well. Peridot couldn’t go through with the fusion, but that didn’t stop the fandom salivating, and foaming at the mouth over a potential Lapis/Peridot fusion. People were genuinely mad at Rebecca Sugar for never making that pairing canon, when they had absolutely no right to behave the way they did. Let’s not forget how the fans also misgendered Rebecca Sugar constantly. It was absolutely bigoted.

This is happening with Alastor. Fans feel entitled to ship him with whomever, an entitlement that is not seen with other characters. When people ship Vaggie with Angel, there is backlash, and for good reason. Because people understand that despite the fact that Vivienne Medrano said people can ship whatever, shipping a gay man with a woman and a gay woman with a man is…gross. It is wrong, it is disrespectful of their identities, and is forcing heteronormativity onto characters that are strict in their sexualities. Most people are able to recognize the thinly veiled homophobia. But Alastor does not receive the same treatment, and in fact receives the opposite treatment. I don’t know what I could say to convince you that the aroace coded character in a show being the #1 most shipped is thinly veiled aphobia the same way Vaggie x Angel is thinly veiled homophobia.

Now what does that have to do with Mammon? Mammon seems to not be aroace coded like Alastor, and for some reason, that has thoroughly pissed people off. Because Mammon is not the “acceptable” caricature of an asexual person. Most allosexual (non-asexual and/or aromantic people) view being asexual as being synonymous with being aromantic, which shows a painful lack of understanding and at times respect for the diversity of our community. Alastor fits this category, so he’s an “acceptable asexual”, while also essentially being a toy for shippers. But Mammon, with his clear attraction to Leviathan, is a “bastardization” of the asexual image. When we aren’t being viewed as broken, we’re often being viewed as chaste, virginal, and innocent with attachments to infantilization. But Mammon, with his aggressive and even icky approach to flirting with Leviathan, is seen as a subversion of this, which for people who don’t understand our community, hate. And these people are blaming Vivienne for having “terrible ace rep” when in actuality, having multiple ace characters having very little in common is actually fantastic rep. Because there are many labels in our community that Mammon can fit into as an asexual. To me, he looks like a sex-positive, high libido, demisexual. He’s known Leviathan for thousands of years, of course it makes sense that he would be into her, but not into anyone else which would explain why his “posse” are just female robots. This could also be because of his classism, but I genuinely think that he’s just demisexual. And you already know how people feel about demisexuals.

If you’ve read this far and have genuinely set aside your biases and personal feelings like I requested in the beginning, I appreciate that. Because from my own lived experience, the double standard between Alastor and Mammon doesn’t annoy me; it frightens me.

Because what the fandom is actually saying when they do these things is this:

“We see you as a homogenous group. Your voices go in one ear and out the other. If you don’t conform to our values and standards, we won’t give you the respect or recognition you deserve. If you don’t conform to my view of your group, you lose my “allyship”. We do not see your identity as a sexuality in its own right, but rather a literary device we can play with. I do not care to learn more about your community, your culture, or your struggles. I barely (if at all) acknowledge you as your own sexual minority and marginalized group. I barely acknowledge (if at all) that you are queer at all. I do not care about your feelings about societal biases that I might carry, I don’t care about how you’ve lived it, because it takes away my fun and fantasies. Because I devalue your group as a whole, your voices mean little. Your narrative is mine to do with as I please.”

I really hope you can see my perspective and understand the sincere place this comes from. Thanks for reading.

[sorcerous-caress]

You’re so right dude. Imagine a Halfling and a Human get together and they’re besties they’re bros who just happen to have friendly cuddly sex and then they create a porno together lmao.

They upload it expecting like very minimal engagement and suddenly it blows up. I think it’s because of the versatility in both of their races. A halfling that tugs their human partner’s hair and tells them how they want to be eaten out or fucked or strapped then can also be a moaning mess within the next video.

A human who speaks seductively and charms the halfling can also be put on their back holding onto the blankets for dear life. They can be tender, soft touches and tickles. They can do roleplay: a hurt human who needs the mommy/daddy halfling to be nursed back into shape. A human friend who coaxes the other into their lap. They can go hard and sadistic.

Can you imagine the sponsors/donations/subscribers they would get!?

A noble elf who wants to be in the middle of that. A voyer who wants to watch the debauchery. Who wants to be the director. A soldier orc or a dragon born who wants both of them on their cock/strap. A demon or a fiend whose trying so hard to get them into a pact.

Same braincells! You’re a genius dude aldjaka. Sorry for me rambling, you can send me back to horny jail.

Off topic but I really like how we are embracing the "onlyfans" and porn streamers with donations type of content in smut. Because you know most written smut and novels still refuse to acknowledge the current culture and technology developments.

Like maybe sending each other dirty pics was something hot and risky before, but in today standards if it's not a frisky discord calls or timer-delete nudes then it just feels...out of touch with the current technology you know? Sex toys that sync up to apps exist and are very common today, and so are the many streaming sites and Twitter porn accounts.

So when a smut novel comes and it's supposed to be set in the modern age with our current technology but they make them use their phones only to what, sext or send a nude during work? It comes off as very tame in comparison to what technology is capable of today and how well it mixes with sexual stuff.

The trends in kinks change too, like before it was all about matching underwear and spanking, but today it's all about gooner stuff, mindbreak and oral. Back a few years ago, there was this obsession with squirting, then the pee fact came out, and everyone let it die slowly.

For example, if you wanted to tell how old the person who wrote a smut piece is, just find out how the smut treats anal. Younger adult generations are more chill with it as a normal everyday thing, while millennials treat it as something that hurts, but they'll still do it, and boomers think it's something more extreme than literal whipping bdsm.

Younger adults smut these days are more inspired by hentai mixed with unrealisticly thick pop star beauty standards, while Millennials had this weird porn phase where they pretended their porn was superior to everyone else's by making it classy? You know those black and white gifs and the really skinny boddies. That's why there is a push these days to present the porn as shameless in every possible way, it's a cycle and the generation after us will look at our trends with disgust and take a more "classy" approach and claim their porn is better.

Also it makes me wonder if people in 1800 also wrote stories like this but about being a show girl or something similar. They definitely did. Weren't there like sexting hotlines back when phones first became a thing where people would call a number and talk dirty to someone? Porn is always evolving my man.

Don't ask why I know so much about porn trends and history, that is none of your business I am well adjusted.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

Demons and porn are very interesting in dnd! It depends on how you view demons really, but for me I like to imagine that every sin they commit is pushed to the extreme.

So "shameless casual sex" is right up their alley, and you know who shares the same view but for different reasons? The halflings who see it just a casual bodily need between friends. Like yes you can be lovers but it's not necessary.

It is funny to imagine a bundle of sunshine and a literal fiend of hell having something in common, but they do.

The human is just going to their friends with benefits house, a cute little hafling with the most adorable riverside cottage sorrounded by berry bushes.

Smell of applepie baking in the oven is in the air, their hafling friend no doubtly is inside and the human opens the door and steps in because they have a spare key.

Only to be met with fucking asmodeus the arch-devil sitting on a wooden stool and sipping tea in a ceramic floral cup with strawberry prints on it. The devil from the fucking hells just waves at you while your halfling friend explains how asmo came here because they are such a huge fan of the videos you made and wanted to personally extend compliments.

Just the idea of great beings being so enamoured with the little human and their little friend hafling. A great ancient dragon leaving piles upon piles of gold and gems on your doorway each morning as their way to pay for your onlyfans subscription since the dragon doesn't have a credit card.

An angel shooting down from the literal heavens and breaking through the cottage wooden roof, rings of fire and 8 wings and all. Just to deliver their fanletter they wrote for you and the hafling, also a smuty fanart they drew. All 600 eyes look away all shy and flustered as they ask you to sign a framed picture they have of one of their favourite scenes.

[hitomisuzuya]

Okay! Decided to do One more Request for Today, this Time not in Anonymous LOL-

Could I have a Scaramouche x Sibling! Reader?

-- So like, Scaramouche has gotten the Electro Gnosis and is on his Way to Sumeru to become a God; when he realised something. Back at the Delusion Factory where he was with the Traveler he had Noticed a Small Figure clinging on the Traveler's Leg. This Figure (Reader) looked like Him but with some Differences.

-- He immediately Felt connected to them and couldn't Help but just take her with Him; which was Understandable due to Reader also being a Puppet which means she is Immortal too and Scaramouche being kinda Needy for Affection? (Of course Sibling Affection!!)

So yeah, I kinda Imagine Reader being in the Humongous Robot; which is Supposed to be Scaramouche's God Form and yeah, the Traveler saw us and Fought extra Careful so we don't get Hurt.

By the Way, you seriously gotta be one of the Best Writers that I've ever seen in an App like this- Seriously your Writing is just so Comforting to me! Anyways don't forget to Rest so you aren't Tired!! (You don't have to make the Request now, you can do it when you have Time! <33)

Scaramouche Headcanons with a sibling reader. SFW.

a/n: oh my goodness, thank you so much❤️ I hope you enjoy. It always blows me away when someone tells me that. You have my humble thanks.

When Scaramouche found out that he had a sister, he immediately tried to find her. He never considered that another puppet like him existed.

You know that sibling rivalry that brother and sister always have? Scaramouche had that doubled.

He constantly sought your attention so you would scold and nag him like he heard sisters do. He didn't know if you were younger or older, time wasn't a concept to him. Having a sister was something he'd only read about.

Never had been so scared to move during his fight with Nahida and the Traveler in Sumeru.

He knew hesitating would be bad for him, but he couldn't help it. He had to protect his sister, even if it was from himself.

He kept looking at her in a panic to see if she was hurt everytime the hand of his mech thundered against the ground.

That was absolutely why Nahida was able to take the Electro Gnosis away from him.

It was easy for him to put his sister before himself in this moment.

Even if it meant losing the Gnosis.

You were more important than his plans for world domination.

Being unable to handle being defeated, he slipped into something like a coma. He felt happy for a moment. You voice was the last thing he heard.

"Don't hurt my brother, please! He is all I have!"

You scrambled out of the robot and ran to his side.

You were all he had as well.

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Something that really irritates me is nights like tonight

Where something small and innocuous to anyone else just gets into my head

I was a lot slower cleaning and recipe testing and even now showering and getting ready for bed because

After dinner while cleaning up I dropped a ladle and got some stains on my trousers

Tiny stains, no one else would even notice them

But I kept stopping to try to see them, cleaned it off, kept stopping to sniff and debate whether I should change my clothes now because I had JUST changed into new clothes today and now it’s stained

And it’s tiny. It’s nothing. This is not something that would typically bother a person I know that

But it kept slowing me down. Because then I was doing my tasks while thinking of whether I should change, pro con list, can I find clothes that coordinate with the colours of my underwear as well and will it be an outfit that matches and will it be practical for going out tomorrow and how much does practical weigh against coordinated colours and clean clothes and wait I’m changing clothes tomorrow anyway couldn’t I be patient and just deal with it til tomorrow

And around and around

For the past…. 4 hours.

But this is just… one of the things I obsess over on a daily basis. Why I used to think I was OCD when I was younger, germaphobic etc but it would be over things that weren’t about germs just neatness and cleanliness. I also don’t have any rituals it’s very much like

Specific things have to be a specific way

Not OCD, more likely autism.

And I think this is where I start to see how autism is disabling.

Not too severe, it doesn’t hurt me, but it gets in the way. It’s like trying to walk fast somewhere but there’s someone walking very slowly in front of you and every time you try to move around them they walk in front of you

Now I’m overstimulated and overwhelmed. I came to a decision, but I kept pausing on my tasks, staring off into space or looking at my phone without really…. Looking at it, just essentially stimming I think because I kept opening the apps and closing them again, while trying to think of what to do

Even though I knew I was tired and I need to get up early

And even now I’ve made my decision but I have this nagging feeling that I didn’t consider something and did not make the best possible decision

So I decided to write this post venting about it, and maybe getting some thoughts from other autistic people (like whether it’s autism or more trauma related broken brain things, which I don’t know how it could be but the possibility exists) about their experiences

And I just needed to… to express all this somewhere. I don’t often think too much about how my quirks and idiosyncrasies are… disabling. My social autistic behaviour, yes I do consider because it’s the main way I feel it, the isolation for years and the effort I put in to comprehend and adjust to situations and people. It’s not as direct however, the autism means I need to put more effort in when socialising, to mask or to connect, but the toll it takes is after the fact

In this case, my quirk of obsessive tidiness directly gets in the way of my main tasks. My focus.

Perhaps this is why it was and is so easy for me to slip into an eating disorder. I don’t necessarily like rules, but I like following rules. I like following my rules, and an eating disorder is just a set of rules constantly cycling through your head. What better rules than rules for a ‘perfect body’, of course I’d follow them to the letter

I guess if that’s true and my more stringent behaviours led to my ED then… even more clarity on how these traits can be disabling it seems.

*sighs*

*sinks into bed*

[dollsonmain]

Today I should rest and spend time with myself but there's too much to do.

I need to look for insurance some more, shower, catch up on chores, get ready to go get groceries/make the list....

Yesterday I remembered something.

So, I get up really early in the morning in the hopes of getting a little time to myself with the quiet.

On weekdays That Guy gets up at 4 and so do I. I make sure I'm up and out of bed, downstairs, drinking my coffee before he gets out of the shower so he doesn't come kneel down and try to stick his dick in my face every morning.

He leaves at 5.

Then, if I'm lucky, Son will stay in bed until 6 but he usually gets up at 5 because That Guy stomps and slams and insists on having a conversation or giving me a lecture first thing in the morning when I'm not even awake, yet.

This morning it was "Our son doesn't know some specific information which is not available to him and he's disrespecting me by not having this information that doesn't exist can you figure it out but don't tell him you're figuring it out behind his back because I want him to do it even though he can't." Again.

Son leaves at 7.

On the weekends I often wake up around 5 or 5:30 and try to sneak out of bed

Usually, Son is already awake and he gets up as soon as he hears me moving around in the house. He starts immediately with noise videos, noisy apps, transcribing music, etc. and he talks the whole time. Louder, and louder, and louder with the occasional "Dad's asleep, still, watch your volume [because I'd like him to stay that way]" from me.

Often That Guy is woken up by me getting out of bed and also gets up because he's suddenly Alone and that's unacceptable.

Yesterday, I was up and trying to work on something on the computer, Son got up and started in but I've gotten pretty good at both engaging with him and continuing to work, then That Guy got up and demanded my full attention constantly.

I snapped at him a bit saying I was busy and leave me alone, which I feel bad about, but if I'm sitting in front of a screen, typing, with multiple resource tabs open, actively researching and processing information, I don't need a play-by-play of every fart, the fact the house is cold like every winter, and what he's eating/drinking, and are you still working are you still working are you still working I want to play video games and you have to watch.

...

It reminded me of a time at my grandma's house when my aunt and I were still young. My aunt is 5 years younger than I am, so we are close in age.

Grandma put us to bed in her bed, which was a queen, and my aunt kept scooting over so she was basically on top of me. I told her to move and give me space, but she wouldn't.

I got up and went to the other side of the bed repeatedly in the night and every time she'd scoot over on top of me again.

Eventually I took a blanket into the living room to sleep on the couch, and she followed me there, too.

In the morning I complained to grandma and she said I was being mean and my aunt just wanted to cuddle and be close to me.

What I needed didn't matter.

-

That persists. It doesn't matter that I need time to myself. I'm expected [by That Guy] to pay attention to Son at all times and to pay attention to That Guy at all times.

The only time I get truly to myself is very early in the morning if I'm lucky enough the boys stay in bed, or for about an hour at night because I go to bed earlier than everyone else on purpose.

This is why I call Monday my recovery day, but I don't get Monday, either. Monday is groceries day.

Even if I try going down to the basement, That Guy starts stomping around overhead as hard as he can, just to remind me he's up here, he's Alone, I'm not doing what he wants me to do, and he's bored.

It doesn't matter how much I beg the people around to please, please just get off of me.

It's very frustrating.

-

Anyway, that's all part of why I'm so hard focused on the basement right now, I guess.

Desperately trying to regain control of literally anything, trying to find a quiet place where I can breathe, trying to feel human again.

[girlwaitingforvienna]

Social Media is a Stalker

Social Media is like a dedicated stalker.

Like Joe Goldberg from Netflix's hit TV show You. Facebook, Instagram, Google, they all like to listen from afar; when you think you're having a private conversation they are simply there- lurking in the back corner of the room, waiting for you to say something that they could possibly sell to you.

Yes, it's creepy as hell.

And yet; we all still use it. Well, most of us.

Why is that?

We obviously know that all of these apps secretly spy on us when we're not paying attention, but we still can't help but want to see how so-and-so is doing from Texas by looking through our Facebook or Instagram feed.

We still search for some kind of extra validation whether we need it or not through these online platforms. But is it really that important?

It shouldn't be. That's the problem. And it is all addicting in a way; the amount of likes, shares, random funny-but-stupid short videos that distract us from our own thoughts. It makes us feel good, and yet it is still the weirdest thing in my opinion.

I grew up with the new-found birth of all social media platforms. Facebook was the newest and coolest thing at the time and I remember feeling invincible almost. Being able to connect with people and friends that happened to be miles away- right at your fingertips. When I was younger I would constantly pester my friends online because I was bored, and like I said- it was still relatively "new" so why not use the hell out of it and be cool like all of the other kids right?

Anyways, what I didn't realize at the time was how much it affected my self-esteem as a still-awkward-and-growing adolescent. Instagram was the next big thing when I was around 14 or 15 years old- along with the legendary Snapchat. This was a time period where I happened to be going through a lot of self-confidence issues. I had a decent amount of acne that no amount of makeup could hide, but the one thing that could make it disappear was by using Snapchat and Instagram filters. I would have to say that this did more harm than good because I would notice the little things Snapchat would change about my face. Whenever I would apply a "pretty" filter on, my eyes would expand a couple of inches, my chin would shrink significantly- along with my nose, and my acne was almost non-existent; sounds great right?

It really was great, until you happened to turn the filter off. I would watch in horror as all of the physical qualities that I hated about myself suddenly return. My acne looked worse than I originally had thought, and my nose looked bigger than I had imagined. Snapchat basically ruined my self-image when I was growing up, and now- in my 20's I'm still struggling to get my self-confidence back.

How is it normal to live in a world where you can look "perfect" in a matter of seconds through only using a camera lens on a screen? It's anything but normal.

And yet- I can't help but wonder if I'm a total dumbass for continuing to use the very exact social media platforms that has damaged my self-confidence for years, or if I'm simply keeping up with the "norm" of today's society's expectations?

Maybe I'm both.

Maybe we're all victims to this, in some way or another.

But also, what else is there to do?

[songsofelisa]

Unexplainable Episode 086 Internet’s Most Mysterious Song → mysterious legends

Warning: There are none! No gruesome or scary stories, just a fun one!

In the technological age we live in, any sort of knowledge exists right at our fingertips. Whether you need to figure out if you’ve seen that actor in another movie before, because you swear they look familiar, or you’re caught in a heated debate about which city has been destroyed the most in media (the answer is New York City, by the way), it only takes a quick search on the internet to figure it out. There are apps that even identify obscure music and songs by listening and immediately bringing up the title and artist.

However, what if there was a piece of media so obscure that no amount of searching and banding together could possibly identify it? Your apps are useless here and even through the collective power of people on the internet researching and diving into the mystery could not identify it. That is the case, with one such song. A song so mysterious that no one has been able to identify the name or the artists behind it. Today we dive into the mystery of the internet’s most mysterious song. This is Unexplainable.

*cue introductory music*

We set the scene in a dusty, old attic. Luisa Worthem is going through old boxes of her childhood things when she stumbles across a box of old cassette tapes. For those of you who are younger, cassette tapes came about after vinyl records but right before CDs. They had to be rewound, similar to VHS tapes, only sometimes when the ribbon was pulled at, you’d have to use a pencil to set it straight. It was tedious, but the nice thing about cassette tapes was being able to record things right off the radio. See, back in the day, so I’m told, when you wanted to get ahold of your favorite song, there was always the option of sitting by the radio, waiting for it to be played and then hitting the record button as fast as possible to capture it. Sure, sometimes you’d get the interference of an annoying radio host interrupting at the end, but at least you had your favorite song at hand whenever you wanted to listen to it on repeat. As long as you were willing to wait a few seconds in between playing it while the tape rewound, anyway. 

Luisa Worthem had found one such box of these tapes, tapes that had been used to preserve and record such favorites off the radio and creating a unique playlist of what might be the an eclectic mix to some and an crazy man’s ramblings to others. Luisa began to go through them, noting some were her mixes and some were her brother’s. After all, who doesn’t love a trip down memory lane and into the land of nostalgia, right? 

As Luisa listen through, there were plenty of songs she recognized, and others she didn’t. Her brother’s tapes in particular contained a mix of indie rock mixed with alternative music and slow, ethereal sounds. She wasn’t quite as familiar with his choice of music, but he had helpfully labeled many of the songs, providing a list that had the artist and name of the song corresponding with the tapes. 

Except for one song. Luisa noticed that one of the tapes had question marks for both the artist and the song title. She asked her brother about this and he admitted that he had gone back a few years after having made the tapes to retroactively create his list rather than doing it at the time the tapes had been made. That was the one song he was unable to identify. It didn’t help that the quality was lacking and that many of the lyrics sounded garbled and could be hard to make out, thus making it difficult to even try to google the lyrics to identify it. 

That was okay, though, because the thing about the internet is that it connects billions of people around the world, and undoubtedly one of them out there might have the answer. 

It was a passing curiosity, but still Luisa went to the internet to try and identify the song. During her initial search, she posted about it, describing the time of its recording, estimated to be some time in the mid-1980s, as well as any other information that could be gleamed. She provided only a fifteen second sampling of the song. See, Luisa was worried about copyright issues and was hesitant to post the entire song. Fair enough, many video sites and even us podcasters have to be very careful with what we include lest our content be stricken down due to copyright claims. 

However, after a few months, no one had an answer. Luisa herself was only marginally interested in the answer and would soon lose interest in identifying the song. But the fact of the matter was, the internet officially had a hold of this mystery and they were not giving up. 

The problem was, they only had part of the song. Fifteen seconds of it. That was practically nothing! A man who was particularly keen on figuring this one out, reaching out to Luisa in hopes of acquiring a recording of the full song. Luisa, although hesitant, was eventually convinced, posting the full song, allowing the man to download it, before she deleted it. 

The search would continue, Currently the song exists in its entirety out there, feel free to look out for it, and although it currently remains unidentified, I’m still not taking the risk of posting it here lest someone actually come along to claim it and get this episode taken down. 

See, the problem is, the song itself is unassuming. It sounds like a lot of the rock music that was popular in the eighties at the time. If you go through every decade of music, you tend to find that there are trends and with trends, that creates similar sounding songs. After all, who hasn’t heard the opening notes of Under Pressure or Ice Ice Baby and, depending on what kind of person you are, hasn’t been immediately disappointed when you find out the song isn’t what you originally thought it was. This may not be the best example as the songs were released in entirely different decades, but the point stands that music can oftentimes sound the same, especially when being looked back on from a different era. And so, this mysterious song sounded like a lot of music from rock bands back in the eighties. 

But this was recorded off a radio station. This means that there has to be some sort of record of the song and the band out there. This even means that the band and the song have to be known by people! After all, there is such a thing as One Hit Wonders, and even they get remembered year after year. Sure, they only have that one memorable song, but those are the songs people belt out in unison when they’re at a bar. One way or another, this song was featured on a radio station, which means someone out there knows this song. We know this because the full recording does include a radio DJ at the end coming in to move the program along to the next song (remembered when I mentioned that being a problem with recording off the radio?). So, naturally, the next step was to figure out the radio station who aired the song and potentially the host who might have played it in the first place. 

Don’t worry, the internet got on it right away and figured out the radio station and even found the host. Turns out, the song was likely featured as part of of a radio show where the host would encourage up and coming bands to send in tapes with their original music and he would pick out the best ones to feature and air. This likely means that, being with how things are, the band likely never hit it big. They might have tried recording a few songs, sent it in to the radio station, had one of their songs played and then were immediately forgotten about. It’s sad, but it happens. 

Unfortunately, despite this new development, the host no longer works for the radio station nor does he remember the song. He claims there is likely some binder somewhere with a listing that shows the band’s name and the song title, but that he no longer has access to it and who knows where those records would be now and if they were ever digitized or eventually thrown out. Don’t worry, I bet there are internet sleuths out there right now currently trying to track down the records (already having found the digitized ones online to no avail), but currently this line of inquiry is at a standstill. 

This isn’t where the search ends, though. No, instead, audiophiles got to work on trying to identify unique features of the song, mainly they noticed that there was a particular synthesizer used for a brief moment that, according to them indicates a very specific keyboard was used. Apparently, the melody that can be heard is one of the preset options on the Yamaha DX7, which narrows down the time of recording. We already know the song is from the mid-1980s, but in pinpoints exactly when more specifically as this particular synthesizer was not available until 1983. This means, that the song was recorded after 1983 and narrows down that window. I will say, beyond the window of time this song was likely recorded in, not much was learned, though. 

So, where is this search now? Well, as you’re listening to a podcast called Unexplainable, you likely already know that it is still ongoing. Despite the brute force of the internet, the song remains unidentified to this very day. There is a good chance one day, though, we may actually get answers to this particular mystery. No matter how small the band or its following was, there is a good chance someone out there will eventually recognize this song, if not one of the band members themselves. The nice thing is, there is a good chance everyone involved in the making of this song is still alive, and with the slow spreading of this mystery, someone somewhere will likely feel a twinge of familiarity and nostalgia when they hear it identifying it or those involved in its creation once and for all. 

For now, though, this song will remain a mystery and is so far unexplainable. 

Before I go, though, if you’re a music lover who likes to watch talented folk sing and serenade you on the internet with amazing covers then head on over to the YouTube channel YseultSings. No, this isn’t a sponsored plug, this is a genuine recommendation and I hope you all check it out. Who knows, maybe it’ll be one of you music lovers who eventually come together in the comments of her videos to figure out the mystery of the internet’s most mysterious song.

[238ent]

Top Social Media Platforms For Explosive Growth

Do you want to know which social media platforms are the best for your business?

The world of social media is ever-evolving, with updates to existing apps and new platforms constantly emerging. In all this chaos, it can be hard to keep up with this crazy social media frenzy.

However, you can’t afford to lose attention if you are a business owner or a marketer.

Social media’s reach and influence are unparalleled, with an estimated 4.9 billion social media users in 2023. This vast and diverse audience pool is projected to grow even more, reaching approximately 5.85 billion by 2027.

This unprecedented growth indicates that social media isn’t just a digital interaction platform but a key marketing arena.

So, which social media platform is the best? Which is not relevant for your business?

In this blog, I will talk about the top social media platforms. I aim to provide insights into each major platform’s strengths, audience, and unique features.

This way, you can decide which social media channels are the most suitable for your business’s specific needs and objectives.

Let’s go!

*The social media platforms are ranked according to their monthly active users (MAUs) and relevance to brand and creators.

Top Social Media Platforms

1) Facebook

2) YouTube

3) WhatsApp

4) Instagram

5) TikTok

6) Snapchat

7) X (formerly Twitter)

8)Pinterest

7) LinkedIn

1. Facebook – 3.04 Billion MAUs

Even though Facebook might not have the novelty it once did and seems less popular among the younger crowd, it’s still the largest social networking site.

Today, it’s a part of the parent company Meta, Inc., that also runs social media platforms like Instagram, WhatsApp (instant messaging app), and Threads.

Facebook’s user base has changed a lot over the years. But it’s still super influential in social media. Many different types of businesses – from finance to retail, media, tech, and even newer areas like gaming and automotive – use Facebook to reach people and make their brands known.

If you aim to get more sales or conversions, paying for Facebook ads can be smart. This is especially true now that regular business posts appear less in people’s News Feeds.

But you don’t always need to spend money to get people’s attention on Facebook. There are free ways to engage with people, too. Think about starting or joining Facebook Groups that focus on specific topics, using Facebook Messenger chatbots to talk in a more personal way, or doing live videos to interact with your audience right there and then.

2. YouTube – 2.5 Billion MAUs

YouTube remains the king of video-based social media platforms, boasting 2.5 billion monthly active users. It’s more than just a platform; it’s the second most popular social media site.

The platform’s reach is incredible. In the U.S., 81% of adults use YouTube, making it an unmissable opportunity for marketers and brands. Its power in connecting with audiences is clear.

YouTube isn’t just about watching videos; it’s about telling stories. From lengthy, detailed videos to the snappy YouTube Shorts, which rivals TikTok, there’s room for visual storytelling. Brands can tap into this to reach new audiences and tell their stories creatively.

The impact on consumers is significant. People are twice as likely to buy something they’ve seen on YouTube as other platforms. And when it comes to researching brands, products, or services, users are four times more likely to turn to YouTube than other social media networks.

Whatever your interest – beauty, gaming, education, or DIY projects – YouTube likely has content for you. For brands focusing on video marketing, YouTube is the place to be.

3. WhatsApp – 2 Billion MAUs

WhatsApp has become more than just a messaging app; it’s now a global tool used in over 180 countries. It started as a simple way for people to text friends and family, but it has grown into a social media platform for business communication too.

For companies, WhatsApp offers a business platform. This lets businesses chat with customers, offer support, and keep them updated on their purchases. For smaller companies, there’s the handy WhatsApp Business app. Bigger businesses can make use of the WhatsApp Business API.

Given that WhatsApp is the most popular messaging app around, it’s a fantastic way for your business to handle customer service. There are many success stories from WhatsApp Business users that show just how effective it can be.

4. Instagram – 2 Billion MAUs

Instagram is like a playground for businesses that sell products, influencers, and life coaches. It started in 2010 and quickly became the top place for sharing awesome pictures and videos. Over the years, it’s become even more popular and is now a spot where people check out all kinds of things daily.

For folks who are into marketing, Instagram keeps rolling out cool features. There are Instagram Stories for sharing moments that disappear after a day, Reels for catchy vertical video content, Instagram Live for live streaming and other neat too. All these give marketers new ways to catch people’s attention.

One of the biggest deals for businesses selling stuff came in 2018 when Instagram introduced shoppable posts. This feature made it easier for companies to sell directly through Instagram, boosting the chances of making a profit. Now, someone can see a product on Instagram and buy it right there without leaving the app.

And here’s something interesting: If you’re trying to reach people under 35, Instagram is the place to be. A huge chunk of its users, over 68%, are in that age demographic. So, if that’s who you’re targeting, Instagram could be your golden ticket.

5. TikTok – 1.05 Billion MAUs

TikTok has really made a name for itself as the go-to place for short-form videos on phones. It’s all about sparking creativity and spreading happiness, and it’s hitting the mark.

The growth of TikTok has been nothing short of amazing. By 2017, just a year after its launch, it had become the fastest-growing app worldwide. Its unique style of short-form videos, full of music and incredible visuals, has caught on so much that other platforms are trying to copy its style.

Despite challenges like a ban in India and potential restrictions in the U.S., TikTok’s popularity has remained strong.

TikTok isn’t just for one demographic; it’s got something for everyone. But it’s super popular with Generation Z. In the U.S., for example, the 12 to 17 age group makes up about 17.7% of its users. And these users are really into it, spending an average of 54 minutes daily on the app, more than any other app, even beating YouTube.

TikTok should be on the radar for businesses looking to connect with a younger audience. It’s a place where brands can dive into the latest trends and reach a highly engaged group of users.

6. Snapchat – 557 Million MAUs

If reaching a younger crowd is your goal, Snapchat is a platform you should think about. This app is a hit with millennials and Gen Z.

Here’s something to consider: Snapchat is used by 70% of people aged 13 to 24, which shows just how much the younger folks love it. A Snapchat user spends about 19 minutes daily on the app. That’s lower than TikTok or YouTube, but it’s still a good chunk of time for brands to make an impression.

Snapchat feels real and spontaneous. It’s all about sharing what’s happening right now without any filters or edits. This makes it perfect user-generated content showing off-the-cuff moments, special offers, and for influencer marketing.

One of the big things about Snapchat is how it sticks to content that’s here one minute and gone the next. It gives users a sense of privacy that’s harder to find on other social media platforms. That’s a big plus for brands aiming to connect genuinely with younger audiences who might not be into the more general approach of other networks.

And don’t let its quieter presence fool you. Snapchat is doing just fine. They even launched Snapchat+, their own premium subscription service. They’ve already got 5 million people who’ve signed up, ready to pay for cool, exclusive features. So, Snapchat is keeping up in the social media game.

7. X (former Twitter) – 556 Million MAUs

Since Tesla’s CEO Elon Musk bought Twitter for a huge $44 billion in October 2022 and renamed it “X,” there have been some big shifts.

One of the changes is the new “X Premium” (previously Twitter Blue), a paid service where users pay monthly for features like a verification badge. Also, Musk has been getting rid of many bot accounts and started a way for creators to earn money from their followers.

These changes might be why the numbers for X’s users and online traffic are all over the place. Even though some reports say X’s traffic has decreased compared to last year, Musk tweeted in July that the monthly user count in 2023 was at an all-time high.

One thing’s for sure: X, which used to be Twitter, is still a key player in the social media world. Despite some ups and downs in the past year, it’s obvious there are big plans for the platform, and it’s still a front-runner.

For entertainment, sports, politics, tech, or marketing businesses, X can be a great place to engage with people – if you can find your audience. It’s where brands can shape their image by being funny, friendly, and informative.

The key to X is to get involved in the conversation. Add value, share your stuff and other people’s, and be part of the chat. Just keep an eye on the platform and how your audience responds to make sure it’s worth your time and effort.

8. Pinterest – 445 Million MAUs

Depending on your company, Pinterest is one of the top social media platforms for small businesses. Founded in 2009 (and live in 2010), it’s gone from a mere 10,000 users to 291 million active users today.

While most of these users are millennials, over half are women between the ages of 25 and 54. Plus, nearly 40% of new users are men (and that trend is continuing to rise).

Oh, and people on Pinterest are spending money.

On average, Pinterest gives a $4.3 return for every $1 spent on ads which makes it a less expensive and more profitable advertising platform than Facebook or Twitter.

All it takes is a consistent schedule, creative pictures, and a strategy for growing followers on Pinterest. With the right momentum, you’ll start to see more traffic and conversions in no time!

9. LinkedIn – 424 Million MAUs

LinkedIn was one of the first modern social media sites to really take hold and stick around. It’s become a networking tool exclusively for professionals and has revolutionized the way we seek, find, and get hired for jobs.

LinkedIn holds immense value for B2B marketing and networking as the premier professional network, offering a platform for thought leadership and industry connections.

It’s a prime platform for sharing industry insights, company news, and professional content, enhancing brand credibility and authority.

Beyond marketing, LinkedIn is pivotal for recruitment and building your employer brand, showcasing company culture and values.

[thispabulum-blog]

Welcome Back, Kotter

Been a while, eh?

I'm pretty much settled in at my new job and I just had my first first date in a long time, so let's chat.

Cuddlebug and I are still doing well! We've done a lot of work on problem-solving and conflict resolution, and I'm getting used to being in a relationship where people communicate and things can change whenever they're not working optimally. Witchcraft, I say! I don't want to go into a whole post of "Look how cute my boyfriend is", but I definitely could.

Item 9 is good. He went silent for a while, but it turns out there was some Big Family Drama going on in his world, so he's been busy sorting all that out. He's supposed to be coming over tomorrow to hang out with me and Cuddlebug, and we're very much looking forward to that.

(Cuddlebug and I recently finished watching Yuri on Ice, so that's what we've got for gifs today)

Aquaman has disappeared. The last time we spoke, over the summer, he was going through what was probably a mental health crisis. Unsurprisingly, tbh, what with his level of burnout. I don't know if he just spiraled, or if he went back to his abusive ex, or what the situation is. I hope he's doing okay.

Baymax reappeared this past spring, and then disappeared almost as quickly. Supposedly him and his ex broke up, he's now poly and pansexual, he fooled around with my boyfriend, told us he loved us, and then within weeks I was blocked on everything and his fiancee is being passive-aggressive on social media. Oh well. Good luck with the marriage, bro.

Dr. Strangelove...I might have to go into all of that some other time. He exists, but things are increasingly weird.

Anyway, I said something about a date?

As I've spoken about before, I don't super like Hinge, as far as dating apps go. I feel like the focus on "prompts" and only being able to have a few on your profile really limits what kind of insights you get about a person, and it doesn't seem to have calibrated at all to what I'm interested in. They say the best way to get it to know what you want is to swipe, so I do that a lot when I'm bored.

That being said, I did see a guy pop up recently that made me do a double-take, so I started chatting with him. His name is gonna be Ladybird for our purposes.

Let's get real, though. After this whole situation last summer, I've been really reluctant to get back into dating with any kind of enthusiasm. I already have a lot of social anxiety and all, but that absolutely set me back.

Cuddlebug and I had that date with Chex Mix last year, which, while not a disaster, was not a great experience. And then I had two dates some other time with a really cute person, and then they just kinda flaked on me. But both of those situations were more looking for someone who could hang with us as a couple - partly because I think I was still apprehensive, and partly because I feel bad when Cuddlebug doesn't get any male attention.

The problem is that I'm not only attracted to submissive bisexual guys that I could take in a fight. And ever since Space Kitten moved away, I haven't spent any time with someone physically imposing.

So this one is just for me.

Ladybird's profile started with a song lyric and invited you to finish it. I wasn't familiar, but he was cute and I needed an opener so I cheated and Googled it. The lyrics were nice and sounded like something I would be into, so I listened to it and uhhh...it's some genre of metal. I could not understand a single word they said, even though I was looking at the lyrics at the time. I guess we won't be listening to music together, then.

He's only a year younger than me, does the same kind of work that I used to do, has two really cute little dogs, and his own apartment. He doesn't have or want kids, doesn't smoke. He loves Taco Bell as much as I do, and offered to make me French toast with jam and Nutella. He also looks a bit like Adam Driver (but don't tell Cuddlebug that; it's a sore spot). He talked about looking for someone to hang out with and watch movies, eat food, fool around...all of my favorite things!

His sense of humor is kind of dry and aggressive, but he makes it a point to clarify that he's joking whenever he says something that might be taken the wrong way.

Alright well that just makes him sound like Schrodinger's Douchebag, so let's see if I can find an example...

Okay so I checked and it's mostly dirty stuff, so I'll paraphrase:

Me: "I might be interested in that, but it would take some working up to."

Ladybird: "Oh really? I expect [very intense and specific thing]."

Ladybird: "All jokes aside, I do care a lot about you and what you're feeling. Ignoring boundaries is fucked up, in my opinion."

We were doing a lot of messaging back and forth, and last weekend we even talked on the phone for a bit (which I never do, just because I hate talking on the phone so much), so we decided to do a low-key first date at an all-night pancake place after I got off work one day this past week (since I get out of work late).

Y'all, having a boyfriend makes dating new guys SO MUCH easier!

Cuddlebug picked me up from work, drove me to the restaurant, got a table for himself and ate dinner, and then sat in the car watching youtube on his phone until I was ready to go. Truly the best boyfriend. He also gave me a pocket knife.

When we got outside we even did some kissing, which was very nice! I haven't kissed a Tall Guy in a while; the dynamics of it are so weird.

The date went really well! We were both very tired - I had just gotten out of work, and it was likely past his normal bedtime, so we spent most of the time comparing notes on shitty job stuff and dealing with customers and terrible managers. He did a lot of bad accents, spoke a little Spanish at me, and didn't do anything that made me uncomfortable. It was a little awkward at times but nothing terrible. Honestly the most awkward thing was that three different servers came by our table to talk to me about how much they liked my hair. I told him "This is what it's like going out with me; you'll have to get used to it." He paid for dinner, which I wasn't counting on.

Side note: I had also started messaging a different guy around the same time, and I got them a little confused, so I showed up expecting Ladybird to be 5'9" and he is in fact 6'2". I went to put my arms around his shoulders in a Cute Girl Hug move, but it was significantly higher than I thought it would be and it made it a little weird. For me, at least (being 5'3"). He seemed fine about it.

He tastes super familiar but I couldn't place it. He had things going on this weekend, so we're planning on me going over to his house next Saturday. I'm excited!

I'll talk to you guys next weekend, or maybe sooner if I have more than 5 minutes of free time during the week.

[ffcarlos-grad604]

Formative Presentation Script Draft

The two topics I will discuss today relating to my creative practice, and creative voice are music and theology.

Aside from design, my other talent and passion lies in music and I play the piano and viola. From being a part of a world premiere production with New Zealand Opera, to accompanying singers, and teaching kids; over the years, this passion has helped me grow so much as a person.

Almost everyone is familiar with music and has been exposed to various genres, but many fail to fully grasp the significance and influence it holds in our daily existence. Music serves not only as a form of artistic expression and entertainment, but also possesses the potential to be therapeutic and beneficial to our mental and physical well-being.

I came across this professional campaign titled “Modern Classics” which was published in New Zealand in December, 2022. It was created for the Auckland Philharmonia Orchestra (APO), by ad agency Stanley St. This print medium campaign contains 3 media assets.The APO is an organisation I have connected with as I participated as a violist in their Summer School for 3 years.

The classical orchestra, once the epitome of cultural entertainment, struggles to keep up with and grab the attention of younger crowds. But back in the day, classical composers were nothing short of superstars and trendsetters. This series offered a reimagined look at the roles and celebrity status these legendary figures would take up if they were alive today, providing a contemporary twist on the classical.

And what better way to communicate modernity than adopting AI to generate photo-like modern representations of classical composers, from a hipster Beethoven to Bach mixing beats in a sound studio.

As you can see the headline copywriting of the posters say “If Beethoven lived today, he’d be blowing up on TikTok,” “If Mozart was still performing he’d be selling out stadiums,” and “If Bach was still composing, he’d be doing a collab with Gaga.”

Moving onto a scholarly source I found; this project and thesis was done by Miranda Finn for an undergraduate honours in 2019 at the Hixson-Lied College of Fine and Performing Arts.

The app “InForm,” introduces adult non-musicians to large-scale structural components of three fundamental musical forms (fugue, sonata, and rondo) through a mobile application containing interactive information graphics and audio examples. This provides the knowledge and vocabulary necessary to discuss and listen critically to classical music, as well as enhance the overall listening experience.

Although I have been classically trained, I also enjoy pop, and appreciate and give credit to all forms of music. I would be open to designing for CD’s, album covers, posters advertisements for concerts and festivals. Additionally, I would like to do work that engages and inspires the newer generations in music education and provide the opportunity for them to explore it.

Alongside graphic design, I would like to pursue a career in the User Experience (UX), or Customer Experience (CX) design industry. While I haven’t done any work that directly relates to music, I will show a UX design project I have done. In my Interaction Design Studio class last semester, I chose to redesign Webjet’s website focusing on the flight booking section.

I conducted user research such as surveys and user testing to identify problems, limitations and weaknesses of the Webjet website as well as competitor analysis research and critically examining, and comparing similar websites.

Using wireframing and prototyping in Figma, I employed a design system with typography, colour, icons, grid and components. I improved the design’s consistency and cohesiveness so that users could build the most streamline travel journey.

This project made me realise that I enjoy working on designs that improve customers’ interactions and therefore, I want to do this type of work in the future. I want to positively influence consumer’s experiences with products, services, and systems in a way that is intuitive, smooth, and pleasant.

At the moment, I’m not sure what area of graphic design my strength is in, whether it is typography, illustration, photography, collage or something else. As I continue to produce more work, I will explore, discover, and see which techniques and crafts I lean into and want to specialise in.

Now I will discuss the second topic: theology. Kerri King is a female entrepreneur based in Paris, Tennessee who designs and runs her booming Bible cover business, Kingfolk Co. Kingfolk's original mission, to help people in the throes of grief, but the company has evolved into more of a faith-based focus with their Bible covers and accessories. She says “I don’t think the Bible is a boring book. So the cover shouldn’t be, either.” I love the frisky and jolly illustrations in Kerri King’s work.

Stephen James Hart is a creative director specialising in graphic design, typography and photography. Originally from Aotearoa, New Zealand, he moved to Redding, California in 2015 to join the creative team at Bethel Music, where he served for 6 years as their designer and art director. In 2020, he returned to Aotearoa where he serves on staff as Creative Director and Young Adults leader at Gateway Church in Hamilton.

This is a simplified re-brand for Gateway Aotearoa. Focused on a simplified wordmark to allow for individual events/sub-brands/ministries to have their own creative flair. Stephen James Hart has also made album designs for newly released worship songs. That combines both my interest of music and religion into graphic design.

I haven’t done any creative work relating to religion but it is something I would like to do. I want to make graphic designs that reinforce the messages the church aims to convey to the congregation and create an atmosphere of worship and community while glorifying the Lord. The use of graphic design not only gives a church a modern and distinctive appearance but also serves as a means to highlight and advertise special occasions or unique services.

[digitaldiolouge]

Social Media & Participatory Culture 

What is culture theory? And how does it have to do with how we interact online? In Confronting the Challenges of Participatory Culture: Media Education for the 21st Century theory as discussed, Jenkins discusses defines a participatory culture as a “culture with relatively low barriers to artistic expression and civic engagement, strong support for creating and sharing one’s creations, and some type of informal mentorship whereby what is known by the most experienced is passed along to novices. (3)” Now as individualistic as you consider yourself to be it’s likely that you have still engaged in participatory culture at some point in your life. Whether it be through problem solving, group work, or through affiliations. Meaning your personal interest, the blogs you follow, the online communities that you personally choose to subscribe to. 

In his Ted talk, Jenkins also shares that today the number of American teens that have produced media and half of those have shared it with an audience beyond their family and friends. (TEDx Henry Jenkins 4:19) This is a very telling statistic as he points out that the percentage of teens used to be 58%. So not only is there a shift in how and who is communicating. But it also shows that more and more young people are participating in society. For this reason, culture theory relates to social media more than ever before. Especially, for younger generations as everybody on the internet gets to explore their interests and virtual worlds. For younger generations this has been normalized to communicate and expand curiosities, so it is important to have a mentor figure as Jenkins mentions in work to allow for participation within a safe environment. 

For me personally, as I’m sure for most there are various reasons why I might feel obliged to interact online. The obvious one is schoolwork regardless of if I’m logging on to create another blog. Checking my canvas page to see if anything is due or simply doing some extra research for a paper. All these simple activities that I usually would not think twice about when studying, happen regularly. Even without homework I spend quite a bit of time online. The way to participate online is probably social media and scrolling when I have down time in between my tasks for the day. Whenever I make a tik Tok I often just save my drafts so I can look at it later but rarely do I post anything, I usually participate online by liking commenting or sharing videos to my friends and family. Lastly, I will spend my time online by shopping or going on apps like Pinterest for style and home decorations. Like I previously mentioned, I would categorize myself as more a visitor of most social media apps because although I partake in some it is more for entertainment and less about posting. That is the form of participation that I feel the most appropriate engaging in, and I love that everybody can engage at the level they feel the most comfortable. I think it interesting to note that the more a post of video is engaged with the more I feel compelled to engage. And before you know the whole world is in on it. That is why it is important to remember that digital footprints exist and while your happiest moment can strike as viral moment so can your worst.

[awakeshedreams]

sugar and spice ( 1 )

pairing : resident bad boy!jjk x model student!reader

setting : highschool!au x stepbrother!au

summary :

a messy highschool!au x stepbrother!au where model student reader who has quite a few dirty little secrets sees her world take an unexpected turn when her mother comes home one day with an engagement announcement, to the father of none other than the school's resident bad boy.... Jeon Jungkook.

genre : smut, for laughs, kinda pornish, slow burn with collosaly overwhelming sexual tension

rating: soft m ( for now ) due to adult content

warnings : unconventional relationship of sexual nature, tropes and clichès, teenagers partaking in porn-esque activities, made up things with made up people happening in a made up world, don't like don't read XD

wordcount : 2.3K

a/n : i've been fighting in a long standing war and I have lost. the man known as jeon jungkook had his foot on my neck for years and today, I have finally submitted to my fate and surrendered to his reign.

yes. after a hundred years, i'm writing again. specifically, writing for bts. particularly, writing for jungkook. its been a long time coming.

life just took over and I transitioned into an adult and kind of grew out of the state of mind I was in before. but. sigh. jeon jungkook has been tormenting me the whole time. it was only a matter of time before i relapsed honestly.

so here I am again. in mind, body and spirit, a different person from who I was before but still the same in the sense that with the way bts have my whole heart, jk will always be the demon in the corner of my room that I invite to bed for a cuddle even though it's (probably really) not good for me.

do not misconstrue. I love him more than I can say. but. sigh. he has me in a chokehold, loves. please try to understand where I'm coming from.

anyways, enough with this ranting. you all came here for the nitty gritty so let me not hold you hostage with my dilemma rambling any longer. here's to the first bts fic i've posted in literal years. introducing- sugar and spice.

1 2

Unless they told someone, no one would have been able to guess it.

At school they were complete strangers.

She was the nice head girl with a clean record, all smiles and straight A’s. He was the mysterious bad boy with a track record, all tatted up with bruised knuckles.

She wore plaid skirts with neat pleads in them and pastel sweaters with bows at the collar. He wore jeans with rips in them and leather jackets with studs.

They couldn't have been any more different.

As far as anyone was concerned, they existed on two extreme ends of a vast spectrum.

What they didn't know was that they shared a dirty little secret.

.

You were a girl with many dirty secrets.

For instance, you used to sell nudes online. It was a side hustle you did.

Not because you needed money.

Your mom was a renowned doctor so there was more than enough of that in your life.

Not because you needed validation from people online either.

Even without the constant compliments and the praises you knew you were visually blessed with a pretty face and a nice body too.

All things considered, you simply thought you had a nice pair of tits and you took pictures of them sometimes.

Posting the shots you snapped online came much later when you heard about this website where people were getting paid crazy money for posting racy things.

‘It’s just so degrading…’ It was one of your friends, June, who sneered, pretty nose scrunched up. She fixed her long ponytail and rolled her brown eyes while looking in the mirror at her locker. ‘Who would do such a thing, am I right?’

She said this, but June was the girl who has slept with more boys than she could count on her two hands. And those were the ones she told you about.

Like every other time, you said nothing. Even when it carried on to lunch with the rest.

‘Pretty desperate if you ask me.’ Mei the stellar track runner shrugged casually as she stretched her limbs like routine.

‘Where are their parents?’ Nina the library nerd shook her head in disapproval as she fixed her glasses so it sat right on the bridge of her nose.

‘Um… I don’t think it’s … appropriate… to talk about ….’ Kiko the one who always carried a cross and bible around mumbled into her sleeve.

All your friends spoke of it in derision and repulsion of course. This was a school for proper children so they were proper girls. At least they were supposed to be.

Regardless the conversation sparked a curiosity in you.

So you made an account and uploaded your first picture. Nothing bizarre. Just your tits in a pretty lace bra.

You made sure to keep your face out of the frame because that was the smart thing to do and you were nothing if not the smartest student in school.

In all honesty, you weren’t expecting anything out of it. In fact, in between work with student council and tutoring your juniors with finals right around the corner, you even forgot about it for an entire month.

It was by a complete whim that you decided to open the app while you’d been unwinding at your desk following a tedious day at school.

To say you were amused by the response you found waiting for you would have be a grave understatement.

You were staring at the four figure digit that now sat in your bank account.

Reading through the comment section was even more interesting.

There were all sorts of people there who had all sorts of things to say. Ranging from honestly sweet to downright dirty.

You had never been brought to tears laughing in her life before until then.

It was just so funny to see people misbehave and lose their minds over a pair of tits.

From then on it just sort of became a thing.

.

But that wasn't the worse of your secrets.

You were making a name for yourself on the crude web months later.

The next step was naturally to move from making taking pictures to making videos. Since you was already in too deep you didn’t see why not.

So you upgraded and opened another account. An amateur one where your touched yourself for an audience.

You were no prude.

You might have never been touched by a boy before but you had touched yourself plenty times. Stress and frustration came hand in hand with being head girl. Since you couldn’t quite vent it out at the annoying troublemakers at school, this was your second best option.

Third was watching porn, but that was mostly when you were extremely bored.

But that wasn’t where that little endeavor ended.

Later on it became a lot more risqué.

.

It all started when your mom hit you with a marriage announcement.

She met a guy on her business trip who she really liked and she was convinced he was the one.

Your mom had a tragic history of being a bad judge of character.

You’ve had this conversation at least five times since you became old enough to understand that boys and girls who were just friends didn’t kiss and sleep with each other.

Most times, it felt like she was doing it because she thought you needed a dad around.

You might have once, when you were younger and your mom was too busy with work to be there. But she worked from home these days and you were soo busy with school to worry about things like that.

This time it was like she was doing it for her. You were glad.

Your mom looked genuinely happy when she spoke about this guy.

Who were you to get in the way?

.

She spent almost the whole weekend in the kitchen. It was the longest you’ve seen her in there in your entire life.

She was excited for the dinner on Sunday.

Mr Jeon was the name of the chosen man.

He was coming over with his kid. A son, his only family. His wife passed away years ago.

You wore the dress your mom picked out for you, something cream in color and off the shoulders that brushed your knees. She looked pretty in her champagne dress. It was different from the office slacks and loose blouses you were used to seeing her in.

You stood by her at the door while the guests came through.

Lifting your head from a polite bow, you found herself staring straight into an achingly familiar pair of glinting dark eyes and went completely still.

‘Sweetie,' Your mother said sounding delighted, a soft hand on your stiff shoulder. 'This is Mr Jeon and his son Jungkook.’

Ah. Fuck.

‘Jeon dear, this is my daughter. Isn’t she lovely?’

.

Dinner was a mild affair, with small talk and the occasional clinking of cutlery on fine china.

From the outside looking in, you probably looked the picture perfect family already.

Only if no-one looked close enough.

Arms crossed, tongue in cheek. Your discomfort could be detected from miles away.

The two adults were oblivious.

The dark eyed boy with the slightest wave to his nape touching, brow grazing, ear covering onyx hair sat across you though; he took note of this with a passing glance and wordlessly returned to his food.

Jeon Jungkook had a countenance that betrayed his reputation.

Even though you’ve never talked, you knew plenty about him and you were sure he knew a lot about you too.

You went to the same school.

Dressed as he was in a crisp white dress shirt buttoned at the wrist and dark tailored pants with a fine belt on, it might have been hard to tell what kind of person he really was.

You lifted her gaze from your plate to look study him wordlessly, idly twisting the noodles with your fork.

People either called him the black sheep or the dark cloud but for you, Jeon Jungkook was the school’s resident lone wolf.

He smoked in the secluded areas on campus, sometimes playing his guitar. Beat up people who got on his nerves, sometimes using his guitar. Slept in class the rare times he was there, many times on his guitar.

Being his senior, you had never seen any of any of that for yourself. But you received plenty reports weekly to come to a sound conclusion.

There was no way people hated him enough to join hands in solidarity and make this all up.

It was quite the contrary actually. He had an alarming number of fans.

On the surface level you couldn’t see why. Most times you saw him, he looked bored out his mind and honestly, intimidating.

Maybe it was the tattoos. Or the ripped skinny jeans. Or the leather jackets with studs.

Maybe it was the domineering height and fit frame and structured face.

Maybe it was the intense dark eyes or the silky ruffled hair.

Even then, you failed to see the irresistible appeal in him. All those things that made him up only added to his unapproachable aura.

Bottom line was, he was bad news.

.

You didn’t want to be a spoil sport.

But how much of a thug your mom’s boyfriend’s son was shouldn’t be something that would make her like him less.

They were both their own people. Right ?

It was just that you just didn’t want her to be shocked and devastated if something happened later. When it happened.

Yet it seemed the serious conversation would have to wait.

After dinner your mom suggested you head to the living room to chat over wine and cheese.

You stayed back to do take out the dishes.

Earlier, your mom had stood to do it instead at first.

‘Don’t bother with that, dear.’ She reached for the plates in your hands. ‘Let me do it.’

‘It’s okay, mom.’ You smiled a little. ‘This is your night. I’ll meet you in the living room.’

'Sweetie...' Your mom looked close to tears. ‘But there’s so much of it…’

‘Jungkook,’ his father's voice had cut through the moment. He was a serious man in a crisp suit with a stoic countenance. His voice was just naturally authoritarian without him trying ‘Give her a hand.’

Jungkook stood, almost robotically.

‘It’s fine.’ You said. Politely. Nicely. Tightly. ‘I can handle this much.’

You left without another word.

That had been moments ago and now you were done with cleaning.

You stood at living room entrance for a while, taking in the scene.

The two adults were exchanging moon eyes and whispering in each other’s ears at the love seat.

Jungkook was sitting on a solo seat, but he was on his phone, completely unbothered by what was happening.

Your mom seemed to think it was the perfect time to pull out the photo album right then and there upon seeing you.

It was embarrassing but at least you knew you didn’t have to worry about the pictures spreading at school.

Jungkook was looking, picking up a picture occasionally to rove over, but he wasn’t the type to do that.

He also wasn’t the type to stare but you felt his glance shifting to you and lingering multiple times.

Once, you caught his eyes and he just stared at you across the coffee table wordlessly with a curious tilt to his head, idly flipping a picture of you dressed as a knight in glitter shining armor for Halloween at eight in his hands.

Honestly, it was starting to get annoying.

But you endured. For your mom’s sake.

.

Your alarm went off at exactly ten.

As subtly as you could, you excused yourself with an apology to the guests, saying you weren't really feeling well.

In hindsight you probably should have used a better excuse.

Your mom was notorious when it came to worrying, especially when it comes to your health.

Also, you probably should’ve locked the door before undressing just for good measure since people were over.

But in the moment, you were too busy setting your camera up where you were kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed to be concerned about that.

That day you were testing out a new toy.

.

Distractedly, you took note of a couple of people asking you if that was your boyfriend’s shirt you had lifted over your tits.

You ignored them.

Couldn’t a girl own an oversized tee without getting any flack?

Trivial comments like that aside, a good majority of the audience are fawning over how wet you were and how perfect you bouncing tits look being played with.

Your head fell back and your eyes fluttered shut.

You were sitting there, knees raised to your chest and legs splayed, your gushing pussy in full display where the toy was stuffed deep into her tightness, vibrating pleasantly.

‘I’m close…’ you mumbled throatily, squeezing your tits and pinching your stiff nipples in between your moving fingers. You moved your hips move faster, feeling the toy buzz against fluttering walls. You took a hand off one of your tits to rub at your engorged clit. ‘Fuckfuckfuck…’

Deep in your high, you didn’t hear the door open and close with a foreboding click.

You only heard your name being called by a deep, smooth voice through the heady haze.

Instantly you stilled.

When you snapped your head to look over her shoulder Jungkook was there, hands in his pockets, leaning against your doorframe with his sleeves drawn up to his elbows, muscle roped, inked skin on full display.

When he tilted his head to the side a little, appraisively, you dared to say as a quaking chill ran down your spine and your entire body felt like it was about to burst into flames, a bit of his hair fell over his face.

His eyes were like two black in the dark as he took you in, dragging his gaze up and down your exposed body languidly.

In the back of your mind, you wished the ground would part and swallow you whole.

‘Your mom,' he starts, capturing your attention wholly, dark gaze finally flickering to your face, his voice suddenly lower, hoarser. ‘She sent me over to check on you.’

It took you a moment to realize where you were, who you were, who he was.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped over your head.

Jeon Jungkook, the school's resident trouble maker, soon to be your step brother, just walked in on you fingering yourself in in front of a recording camera.

Well. Yeah.

You gulped.

You were royally fucked.

depending on the response I get I might ( most probably will ) delete this. not because I'm ashamed of my work. because I'm embarrassed of myself. I really swore to never write again and here I am. sigh. yes, I have seen my previous works and noticed just how terrible they were and this is a big reason why. so sorry for putting you through that. a million apologies.

also, that's right. I have adopted a new style which might not be to everyone's liking. another reason why.

anyways, if you liked this filth ( i know it seems mild but I can tell you it's very likely gonna get worse ) please idk uh... fuck this isn't ao3. hm.

like and drop by in the ask box if you liked it and want to see more. it makes me happy. its like serotonin fuel to me.

have a nice day. see you next time ( maybe ). stay fresh. yeah. 💜💜.

[hockeyforthefirsttime]

Home For Christmas- Mat Barzal

AN: This is no shame, I started this before Christmas with the intention of finishing it as well... bitch I didn’t, so here we are.

Word count: 4k

TW: bad parenting, mentions of cheating, kind of angst? idk 

Sitting alone by the kitchen table, you watch the snow fall heavy over the town. You’re supposed to be working on your masters thesis, but your mind is a thousand miles away, 2 185,4 miles to be exact. 

And even that far away, Mat is still everywhere to be seen in a town he’s never been in. He’s in the cafe with the really bad coffee and the really good cakes, he’s in the window reflection in the old thrift shop you used to go to when you were younger. And you can imagine him so easily outside on the front porch, playing in the snow. 

In all honesty that would be ideal, having him here. But he’s not, he didn’t have the opportunity to come. You understand that. You understand that he’s got his own traditions, family and friends to see. 

But when you left JFK to come to the cabin in Alta, you wished that he was by your side, you by his. Instead of the snoring man that sat on your right hand side the entire flight. At least you got the window seat. 

Your parents went out to have dinner or visit some friends, you don’t care enough to remember. 

All you could think of was how Mat had been babbling about how excited he was for Christmas, and going home. And how you deep inside dreaded coming here. It’s not that your parents don’t love you, they just love the idea of the past you. Mat cares for you a lot, you know that, you’ve settled for that. But you haven’t had the heart to tell him how your parents only care for perfect facades and flaunting their riches. That's also why you haven’t told them about Mat. 

The snow is still falling over the perfectly decorated front lawn. 

You’re still thinking of Mat and how he would look with rosy cheeks from the cold, when your parents move in through the front door whilst talking in low murmurs. 

“Y/N, darling? You’re still awake?” 

Your mother asks, not yelling though, never yelling. She waits until she can see you from the hallway. 

“Yes, still kind of working.”

You answer politely. 

“Oh, you’re still writing your thesis?” 

Quickly as she comes around the table, you switch from the spotify tab, to the uni home page.The lie comes smoothly and she doesn’t notice, she never does. 

“My little hard worker, you’re gonna be such a good psychiatrist one day.” 

And your heart sinks all the way down to your stomach. You’ve never told them that you switched majors three years ago. Or that you’re not writing a dissection of the human mind, but rather a song. As well as a thesis. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go to my room.” 

Your mom nods at you with what almost resembled a fond smile. Passing your father in the hallway you see him slip something into the pocket of his already hung coat. 

“Night sweetheart.” 

“Night dad” 

You smile half heartedly while balancing your books and laptop in your hands. 

No matter how nicely the property is decorated, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be what your parents expect you to be. They are much like their cabin in your opinion, pretty and inviting on the outside, shallow on the inside. 

You don’t know how to handle this. Because while you grew up a lot around here, New York feels like your home now. With pictures on the walls and tiny memories littered around the place. The bedroom you’ve always had in the cabin hasn’t changed much since you last were here. Pictures of people you no longer talk to still hang on the vanity you never used. 

Crawling underneath the thick duvet, you pull your phone off the charger on your nightstand. There are a few messages on snap chat and instagram you’ve missed. Mostly friends from college, all in their respective homes with their old friends and family. 

You close both of the apps, and sigh when you see the wallpaper of your phone. It’s a picture of you and Mat. You’re dressed in a hoodie with his jersey over it and his arms slung around your middle from behind, the both of you smiling at Beau behind the camera. You remember that day. 

It was in the early days of your relationship and only the second or third game you had been too of his. The Islanders had played the Rangers and won, Mat scored twice and it was overall a good game. The WAG’s had all started to head for the locker room hallway, while you set your path for the exit, planning on meeting Mat back at his apartment. Lauren was the first to see you trying to sneak out. And had instantly called you out on it. She’s a miracle worker with people, and within seconds she had figured out how scared you were that Mat wouldn’t want you there. After all this was a team win, and you didn’t quite feel like you were a part of the team. Not yet at least. 

And despite your fears, Lauren convinced you that he would love to see you first thing as he exited. And he had been. His already beaming face had swept you up in his strong arms and spun you around. Mat truly was and still is at times more excitable than a puppy.

-----

You wake up abruptly from someone yelling. That someone you quickly recognize as your father's voice. And your heart drops, even though the words are muffled, you can imagine the scene. Your mother, sitting at the kitchen table, in the same spot as you sat last night, telling him to calm down and stop yelling. Your father pacing in front of her, screaming about something you can’t quite figure out what is yet. He is obviously ignoring her.

Picking your phone up from the mattress as you sit up, there doesn’t seem to be anything new. You enter the messages app and shoot Mat a message, telling him to call you in thirty minutes. 

With a sigh, you pull the warm, comfortable duvet off yourself and drag your body out of the bed. Everything in the room seems a little colder, and you know it’s probably because of the badly isolated windows. That’s probably why the cool floorboards tickle your feet when you step on them. Luckily there is a pair of thick socks on the floor next to the bed, so you pull them on and walk to the door. 

Carefully you let the door creep open silently. 

“- and why couldn’t you just leave it be?” 

You hear your father yelling. 

“Because you’re my husband and I love you, you’re not supposed to have a second phone, much less a second girlfriend.” 

Immediately your stomach sinks. Your dad has a mistress? Then it was probably the second phone he slipped into the coat pocket last night. God, christmas spirit, eh? You shut the fight out of your mind instantly, not wanting this to be your christmas. In this moment you hate all the bad hallmark movies you’ve watched with Mat. Not for having watched them, but for letting them give you hope of a normal christmas.

On autopilot, you start packing the bag you never finished unpacking. It takes fifteen minutes for you to finish. Your phone starts ringing as soon as you zip the back shut. With a deep sigh you answer the phone. 

“Hi Mat.” 

“Hey, babe. You okay?” 

You can hear laughter in the background and the smile in his voice. You hate yourself for the next words. 

“No, not really.” 

The admittance lies heavy in your chest, but some of the weight seems to lift off when you speak the feelings into existence. 

“I’m sorry, is there anything I can do?” 

It's like the world disappears for a minute, and just hearing his voice calms you down. 

“No, I don’t think so, I just don’t think I can handle this right now. ‘M just gonna head home to my apartment. I can’t take my parents right now.”

It’s a relief to get the words out of your mouth and into existence. You can imagine him right now, with the cute frown on his face and the cogs and wheels in his brain turning.

“Hold on, you’re not gonna spend christmas morning alone are you?” 

“Why not? It’s not really different from what I’m used to, and it’s already the 23rd today anyway.” 

“That gives you just enough time to fly here!” 

 Your heart soars at the thought of waking up with Mat in his childhood home, but reason strikes you seconds later. 

“Mathew, I’m not gonna intrude on your family like that.” 

The sigh he releases on the other end of the phone, is followed by a small chuckle. 

“You’re not intruding. I promise. Plus they all love you.” 

------

You order an uber straight after calling Mathew. When you open the door to your bedroom, the yelling still hasn’t stopped. The log walls have always been pretty soundproof, but you swear, right now there is an echo in the house. Silently you close the door behind you. Your dad is still ranting on about how none of this is his fault, and how some things women simply don’t understand. 

You sigh and take off your shoes to make your steps even quieter than usual.It’s not that your father isn’t kind, it’s just that he seems to have been too kind to another woman. And it puts a great deal of fear into your heart. It makes you scared that Mat might do the same. 

You shake the thought (almost) out of your head, Mat is not your father, and you are not your mother. Still, you can’t help but feel like your mother deserves better. Leaning against the door frame, you pull up your phone and start scouring the web. 

The uber app alerts you of your rides arrival, and you go into your travel backpack and pull out a piece of paper and a pen. Quickly you write down the number and name of both a divorce lawyer and a couples therapist. Your coat is already on and your bag doesn't have wheels, so it’s a silent endeavour to the other bedroom in use on this floor. Your parent’s room. 

It looks like it always has. Everything is neatly put behind closed doors and the bed is perfectly made. No knick knacks on the bedside table, not even a book or an alarm clock. You sigh, put the note on your mothers side of the bed and leave.

You’re glad the kitchen doesn ‘t have a clear view of the hallway, your parents are too immersed in their fight, to notice the fact that their child is slipping through their fingers. They don’t notice you walking away from them.

------

The airport is not so surprisingly filled only with stragglers and people who are most likely working this christmas. The pine trees are decorated and everywhere, but you don’t feel as sick to your stomach as you usually do. Quickly you find your gate. It’s got a great view and you watch the snow fall under the lights of the airport and sip the holiday drink you uncharacteristically got from the coffee shop beside the gate. You have already checked in the luggage, so yet again you pull out a pen, but also a worn and torn leather bound notebook that’s been with you since the start of your degree. 

The songs usually come from poems but somehow this one is different. You start the melody quickly, writing down notes and sometimes little words that you feel make sense with the melody. Your hands start to itch for the ivory and ebony keys of a piano, but just as the feeling arrives the flight attendant calls up your flight and you have to pack up. 

 The plane is only half full, so you get a row to yourself. Resting your feet across the two free seats is a little uncomfortable, you’ll admit as much, but the feeling of having the piano at least on your computer is settling some of the itch. 

-----

Mat comes alone to pick you up from the airport. He’s standing in the parking lot leaning against his car. The second he hears you approaching he looks up from his phone, pockets it and meets you halfway. Immediately he hugs you tight.

“Hi babe, I missed you.” 

He says with a low voice into the scarf wrapped around your neck. You just hug him tighter. The tension that took a hold of your body during the layover, is releasing from your body. Mat’s entire being is like a weighted blanket covering you. 

When he lets you go, you miss his warmth, but it’s short lived. He picks up the bag you dropped to the snow covered ground and puts in the trunk before opening the passenger door for you. Upon entering the car, you are engulfed in everything Mat and warmth. 

“You gonna tell me what’s going on with your family?”

You sigh at the question, knowing it was going to come sooner or later. To be honest you’re glad he asked now, and not back home, back with his family. It’s just, how do you explain the entire messy situation to Mat, without getting pity points? You don’t want to feel like some charity case or, even worse, like some spoilt child who can’t handle the situation.

Instead of dwelling over it for too long, you decide to jump into it as he starts the car and enters the freeway. 

“My dad is cheating on my mom, and she found out last night. I think they were up the entire night just arguing. I just left a note on mom’s bed with the number of both a divorce lawyer as well as a couples therapist.”

You rant off, state it matter of factly. Trying to shut off your emotions. 

“Are you okay Y/N?” 

Mat asks. Simple as that. He asks you if you’re okay, and you can’t quite handle it. The tears are pressing on behind your eyes. And you look out the window, trying to hold them back. But when he puts a hand on your thigh, you let the first tear fall. 

“No.” 

And it really is as simple as that. You’re not okay. And you hate it. Just in that second your phone starts ringing in your back pocket.

“Sorry.”  

You say as Mat looks at you. He just gives you a soft smile. You check the caller id, and see it’s your mom. Quickly you clear your throat and wipe your tears away. 

“Hello mom.” 

You answer, trying to sound neutral. 

“Y/N, where are you? Did you go to one of your friends here? I can’t find any of your things.” 

She sounds confused to be honest. 

“Yeah no, I left, I’m on my way to my boyfriend’s house.” 

You hear her suck in a breath. Probably trying to calm down. You do the same, hoping for a calm conversation. 

“You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend? Where are you?” 

You sigh, know it’s gonna be a long conversation. 

“No, I know, I didn’t tell you on purpose. He lives in New York usually, but he’s from Canada.” 

Ideally, you know, this would be a conversation to have with Mat, about why you haven’t told them about him, before you had it with your mother. 

“You’re in Canada?” 

“Yes.” 

“Well, what does he do then?” 

“Mom..” 

You start to avoid the question, but she interrupts you. 

“No, I want to know what he does that makes you think it’s okay for you to run away from your family right before christmas.”

In that second, just a split second, you get a little fight in you. 

“First of all, it wasn’t his call, he invited me, when I called him. Originally I was just gonna go back to New York. Alone. Second of all, I am not interested in spending christmas around you and dad when you can’t figure out your lives. Third of all, he makes me feel safe and appreciated and I can’t imagine being anywhere else right now.” 

You can feel the tears streaming down your face, but you don’t care. 

“Fine, if you are going to be like that then.” 

“I am gonna be like this mom.” 

“Fine.” 

She says, and then she hangs up the phone. And to be honest you’re kind of glad she did. 

“That sounded rough.” 

You nod and close your eyes. You don’t want things to be this way. You truly don’t, but it the way it is. 

“You didn’t tell them about me?” 

Mat asks. Possibly sounding hurt. 

“No, I was scared that they were gonna be who I know them to be, especially upon finding out that you play hockey for a living.”

He sinks a bit back in the driver’s seat.

“You think they wouldn’t like me?” 

He definitely sounds hurt. 

“I think they would like your image, your paycheck and what you could do for them publicly.”  

You answer earnestly. Before continuing. 

“They want a solid paycheck and all the nice things in life. The things that prove that they’ve got a lot of money, and that about sums it up.” 

“Oh, well that’s not good.” 

Letting out a sad chuckle, you nod your head. You can tell you’re closing up on his house because he seems to be driving slower now.

“I hope you know I’m not into you for the paychecks.” 

“No I know-”  

He turns and smiles at you. 

“You’re in this, for the amazing sex, eh?”

“Oh, for sure.”  

You smile and take his hand.

---

Waking up is always kind of heavier in the winter, but with Mat’s arms wrapped around you in the morning, it’s just something else. You fell asleep in one of his hoodies and flannel pj pants. You’ll admit it, it is a bit too warm, but hell it’s so worth it. 

You can feel him behind you, bare chest rising slow and steady. Soft snores escape him every now and then, but his arm around your waist stays there. Mindlessly, you start tracing shapes and letters on the back of his hand. You feel his hand start twitching, and all of a sudden he squeezes you tight and pulls you on top of himself. 

“I love you too.” 

He smiles up at you with his bleary eyes. Your cheeks heat up. You didn’t think he’d actually notice the letters you had been spelling out on his hand. So you hide your face on his shoulder and stay there. Just placing small, light kisses there. 

“Can you say it? Like out loud?” 

He asks you, quietly. 

“That I love you?” 

Immediately you feel him smile into your hair. 

“I love you Mat Barzal.” 

And you swear, you can feel his heart skip a beat in his chest.  

“Merry Christmas, by the way.” 

You say, feeling content. This is by far the best Christmas morning you’ve had, and you haven’t even gotten out of bed. 

“Oh shit, it’s Christmas morning!”

And before you know it, the light is on, and he’s out of bed and pulling on a shirt and a pair of sweats. He turns and looks at you expectantly. 

“Well, aren’t you coming?” 

He asks, moving in your direction. Mat all but drags you out of the bed and barely let’s you go to the bathroom to brush your teeth, before meeting his family downstairs. And it’s a glorious sight that meets your eyes. The christmas tree is decorated with little lights and different colour baubles?, as well as glitter. It looks homemade, and not like the perfectly decorated trees that have made their mark on your childhood. 

The sight of it causes you to stop dead in your tracks. God, how you love the normalcy of this. The morning is filled with laughter, jokes and copious amounts of hot chocolate. It’s not until the end of the gift unwrapping, that Mat slips away from you, claiming that he has to go to the toilet. 

He returns a few minutes later, carrying a big box wrapped in paper. It doesn’t take you long to notice that all eyes are on you. 

“Maty, I told you no gifts.”

You sigh, but you can’t help the smile that creeps onto your lips as you see how giddy he is. 

“I know I know, and originally I was going to stick to it, but I saw this in the store and I know you said you’d manage without it, but I just couldn’t help myself.” 

And as you listen to him rant his heart out to you, realization dawns on you. 

“You didn’t seriously..” 

Your sentence trails off as you watch him carefully place the box down on the dinner table. 

“Please, just open it?” 

And he knows you could never resist his pleading, just as well as you do. Nodding, you head to the table and start unwrapping the way too expensive gift. Soon the logo of the electric keyboard begins to unravel to you, and tears are seriously prickling behind your eyes.You pull the sleeves of the hoodie over your hands and wipe the tears away.

“Mathew, this is seriously the best christmas gift I have ever gotten.”

You mumble. He comes over and wraps you up in his arms again, and you can feel him smiling, how his entire being is happy, and maybe a little proud of himself. His mom and dad gush over how cute the two of you are, whilst Liana rolls her eyes with a fond smile. 

“Well, why don’t you play us something sweetie?” 

Mats mother asks you carefully once you unwrap yourself from Mat. 

“Yeah, I can do that.” 

And just like that the living room is cleared enough for you to set up the keyboard along with a chair from the kitchen. You even go back upstairs and find the chords you have written down for the song you wrote in the airport.

Testingly, you play a few chords. That is the moment you notice how quiet they’ve all gotten, so you decide to speak up, just to shake the nerves a little. 

“Okay, so this is kind of a rushed song, I wrote it on my way here, but I do hope you like it.” 

And then you start playing the first notes. You do love how the keys seem to find their way to you right away, like you’ve been playing this keyboard for a long time already. And then the words spill from your mouth. And you just sing. 

Careful what you say

This time of year

Tends to weaken me

And have a little decency

And let me cry in peace

But there's a place where I

Erase the challenges I've been through

Where he knows every corner

Every street-name

All by heart

And so it is a part of my

Courageous plan to leave

With a broken heart

Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna find home for Christmas

Let me find home this year

I wanna find home for Christmas

Let me find home this year

I'll pack my bags

And leave before the sun rises tomorrow

'Cause we act more like strangers for each day

That I am here

But I have someone close to me

Who never will desert me

Who remind me frequently

What I I can truly be 

And so it is a part of my

Courageous plan to leave

With a broken heart

Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

I don't know what my future holds

But I know who will love me

I can’t tell you where I'm from

But this one loved me to life

And so it is a part of my

Courageous plan to leave

With a broken heart

Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

Playing the finishing keys, you look up from the keys, and see both Liana and Nadia smiling through a few tears. Mike is holding his wife close as he smiles at you. But Mat, he looks at you like you hung the stars in the night sky. 

Quickly you get up from the chair and wrap your arms around his neck. Closing your eyes, just letting yourself be completely enveloped in him. 

For a second though, he pulls slightly away, just enough so he can look you in the eyes. 

“I love you so much, and you’ll always have a home with me.”

Your heart swells ten times bigger than what your chest is made to encompass. 

“I know. I love you too.”

[ererokii]

Infinite || Izuku Midoryia

Izuku Midioryia x Fem! Reader (Soulmate AU)

Warnings: insecurities, bit of angst

Word Count: 3194

Synopsis: In a world where soulmates exist, Izuku Midoryia believes that he won’t have one on the day of his 17th birthday.

Taglist (message to be added): @pixxiesdust @shoutodoki @shoutosteakettle @saltie @fryingpanitachi @sugacookiies @kingtamakimurder

➺ Note: This is for the @bnhabookclub​‘s bingo event and Celebrating Deku event! The prompt are Long Kisses and “Did you ever think we would be here? I mean since we were kids, I just..”

Bingo Masterlist

Soulmates were always a thing since the beginning of time. The signs were simple when you were supposed to find your soulmate. You either share the same colored iris of their right eye, or their birth date would be tattooed on your thumb in cursive. Some people got both, while others just had one. 

The signs didn’t come at birth. Some babies were born with grey eyes and wouldn’t get their soulmate’s eye color until they turned 14. It was a celebration when a child finally got their right eye color, matching with their soulmate or not. However, there were cases where someone wouldn’t receive their right eye color until they turned 17. 

Other babies who were born with a birthmark in the shape of a heart on their thumb got their tattoo at the age of 5. It was funny how the two worked. But that’s how the universe wanted it. 

Izuku Midoryia was always a curious child, ever since he learned how to walk. He was always up to meeting anyone with a new face. You happened to fall victim to his ways. Izuku met you when both of you were 4 years old, at a park. You were running around the playground and when he saw you, he practically begged his mom to let him go. With much reluctance, she did. 

Both of you connected rather quickly. When your mothers called for you to leave, both of you clung to each other as you sobbed, begging for another 10 minutes with each other. Seeing their children already so close despite only knowing each other for an hour, the mothers decided to talk amongst themselves as well. 

Inko and your mother got along well. This meant that you and Izuku would be seeing each other a lot more, which both of you were ecstatic about.

Both of you went to the same school. In the younger grades, the teachers would hold a small celebration for any child that received their tattoo. It happened a couple of times. A group of small kids and their teacher surrounding one of the students, a bright glowing light emitting from their thumb. It was something that always fantasized Izuku. He couldn’t wait for his own.

Yet he wasn't born with the heart birthmark. You were born with one. 

That was the only thing you could babble about. How excited you were to find out the date, to find your prince charming as you told him after watching your princess movies. 

“I think today is the day Izu-kun! I feel it!” You spoke with confidence, jutting your thumb in his direction. 

“W-what makes you think that?!” he gasped, his small brain blown away at your confidence.

“I just feel it! Today I’m going to find out about my prince charming!!” You giggled as you curtseyed, acting out the role of the princess. “And we’ll dance and dance!”

“It sounds like you have your whole life planned out! I wish I was able to get one!”

“Silly!” You pointed to his grey eyes. “You’ll get the eye remember?! That’s super-duper cool if you ask me!”

He rubbed his knuckles gently bashfully as he lowered his head.”You really think so?”

“I know so! You’ll probably get a pink! Or maybe purple!”

“Maybe yellow!” Izuku’s little body rattled with laughter alongside you. Both of you were huddled up on the carpeted floor, minding your own business from the other kids who were too busy coloring. 

“Bright!” you gasped and held your hand out, a glowing light emitting from your heart birthmark. “S-Sensei! It’s glowing!”

At the sound of your voice, your teacher and your classmates rushed to you. Izuku scooted closer, watching the heart glow brighter. “Does it hurt Y/N-Chan?” he whispered in astonishment, hand touching your arm. 

You stayed silent as you stared at the scene in front of you, the heart outlined in a gold shimmery light, it’s light blinding but also beautiful. It fully stopped as black ink formed on your hand.

“What does it say?”

You whimpered and lifted your hand up to your teacher’s bent over body. “I don’t know what it says.” You were only five years old and was still learning to read your numbers.

A chuckle left their lips as they grabbed your tiny wrist in their bigger hand, scanning over it. “July 15th!”

Gasps resonated throughout the room.

“That’s my birthday!” Izuku squeaked out as he stared at you.

You cheekily smiled and clapped your hands together. “It is! Maybe it’s you Izu-kun! Maybe you’re my prince charming!”

“You think that?!”

“I don’t know! But will we dance and dance like they do in the fairytales?!”

Izuku absentmindedly nodded as he bowed. “Yes Princess Y/N! We will dance and dance!”

You jutted out your pinkie in his direction, a serious look for a five year old displayed on your face. “You pinkie promise swear Izu-kun?”

He stared at it for a second before sticking his pinkie out as well, wrapping his small one around yours. “I pinkie promise swear Y/N-chan!”

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

“My birthday passed and I still haven’t gotten my color! What if I’m not meant to have a soulmate?”

You scoffed and held the papers close to your chest. “That’s not true Izu! You’re going to! Don’t be so negative. Be like All Might!” You cheered and jumped up, fist raised in the air. 

He shook his head, his green hair moving in the slightest with his motion. “Yeah you’re right. He hasn’t even said anything about his soulmate! Maybe it’s kept a secret!”

You squealed like a little school girl, which you were. “How romantic!! Keeping your lover away from the spotlight! A mysterious type of love! Imagine that!”

“What’s so cute about that? Sounds like a cheap drama to me.”

An offended gasp left your lips as you spun on your heel, stopping right in front of him. “Cheap drama?!” you bent over a bit, placing your hands on your hips, one of your hands holding your papers. “It’s more than that!”

He stumbled back at your sudden movement and gulped. You were close. Close enough where he can smell the faint essence of your shampoo. His eyes were glued to your face. Over the years he definitely saw the changes throughout your body and would even say he found himself attracted to you. 

You’ve grown from the tiny toddler that always wanted to protect him, to a maturing teenager. You also noticed the changes in Izuku’s appearance. You noticed the way his face lost its baby fat and slowly shaped itself over time. Both of your moms loved seeing you walk home together. It was something that warmed both of their children staying friends after many years. They secretly hoped that your soulmates were each other, if only the universe was nice enough to grant their wishes. 

“You listen well!” you snapped with no ill intention, somehow shuffling closer to his now trembling body. “It is romantic to protect your soulmate from the horrors of this world! Imagine just fighting for them! That’s so romantic! In the dramas, their reason for fighting is always their soulmate! If someone fought for me, I would love them forever and ever!” you swooned, clasping your hands to your chest as your fingers gripped around the vest. Your papers were long gone on the floor, your eyes squeezed shut. If they were open, he could have swore he would have seen hearts in your eyes. 

“Okay I get it!” he said quickly, hands in front of his body as he shook them in defense. “If you shut your eyes any tighter you won’t see!”

A groan left your lips as a pout tugged them right after. “I was in my dream world! Always messing with it huh, Izu!” You opened your eyes to stare at him, head tilting to the side like a confused puppy when you saw his shocked expression. 

“What?” you asked, hand reaching up to your face. “Is there something on my face or something?”

His mouth opened but no words came out, only strangled noises and gasps for air. His index finger pointed at his right eye. “Y-Your eye! It’s maroon!”

A scream left your lips as you quickly took out your phone, immediately going on the camera app to stare at your reflection. “I-It’s here! It’s here!” your voice was higher pitched, clearly in shock as you felt the back of your neck heat up. 

You lowered your phone and placed it back in your bag. “Oh my..it’s here” you whispered breathlessly, slowly lifting your head to meet Izuku’s concerned gaze. “D-Do you not like it or something?” he whispered.

Your next action startled him.  A high pitch squeal filled his ears as your hands found themselves on his wrists, squeezing them as you jumped and down, excited. “It’s here Izu!” Your head bobbed up with each jump you did, your smile never faltering as you kept using his body as leverage to jump. 

He felt his heartbreak and fall in the depths of his soul. “I’m so happy for you Y/N! I bet it’s so exciting to finally get it!”

He was truly happy for you, he was. On the inside he was already hurting. He felt like his heart got chopped up and thrown away. You had a soulmate. Someone out there was already made for you. For you to love. For them to cherish and protect you like you wanted. 

He couldn’t. He couldn’t hold you. He couldn’t cherish you. He couldn’t protect you like you wanted. You weren’t meant for him.

You stared into his gaze with your new eyes. The iris from your parents matched beautifully with the maroon. If possible, it made your eyes stand out more. “Do they look weird?” you whispered, suddenly self conscious of your new appearance. 

“Course not! I think they look-” he stopped himself, flustering up as he twiddled his thumbs. “Beautiful.”

“Ah..” you rubbed your arm, hand moving up and down slowly, lowering your head at his words. “T-thank you Izu..” you meekly whispered before gasping, reaching out and grabbing him by his forearms. “I have to tell my mom! I’ll catch up with you later?!”

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

Enrolling at UA High School gave Izuku many opportunities. Before enrolling, he met with the Symbol of Peace himself. Gaining his quirk, Izuku worked hard to achieve his goal of entering. Seeing you at the entrance exam made him ecstatic.

That was until he would look into your eyes. Each time he dreaded looking into them. It left a grim reminder that he wasn’t for you. He remembered every moment of that day when you got the color. He remembered crying into his pillow for hours, leaving his mother worried sick. He couldn’t tell you how jealous he felt. He didn’t want to ruin your friendship.

Each kid in his class had their tattoo wrapped around their thumb or mismatched eyes. He often felt left out. He could feel the pity stares sent his way. The hushed whispers of gossipers ringing in his ears. Every time you would comfort him about it, saying it was natural to feel the way he was feeling, he couldn’t feel your comfort. It didn’t feel sincere to him. Nothing did.

He despised his birthday after his 14th. He hated the thought that this coming birthday will be the same as the one before. No trace of his soulmate. He did research. He tried forcing it by thinking of his soulmate. Would spend endless nights begging that the next day a sign would appear. 

There were times where he would come into class, absolutely exhausted as his feet dragged behind him, his shoulders slouched forward, his green and grey eyes bloodshot. It worried you to no end. You often spent nights in his dorm, comforting him. He would break down into your arms, repeating the words that no one would love him. That no one was made for him. 

When you got your signs you were over the top. You ranted and bragged about how amazing your soulmate was without even knowing them. You already knew it. Deep down you could feel their presence. It was an amazing feeling. A spark exploding inside of you that had to be let out soon. You heard stories of people finding their soulmates. How time seemed to stop leaving the two of them to drown in each other’s presence. You wanted it. 

Izuku’s birthday was today. His 17th to be exact. He was holding onto the small string of hope. You hoped that this would be different. He was at the age limit where he should have gotten the sign. You didn’t want this birthday to end with him crying again. You wanted him to be happy. He deserved it. 

It was a sunny afternoon. Izuku and you walked in silence to a park—the park where both of you had first met. A small humming came from his end, a small bounce in his step as the both of you continued to follow the cement path to a nearby bench. 

He would say it was an average morning. Despite the fact that you and Ochako decided to wake him up by singing him happy birthday and practically forcing him out of bed while he was still half asleep. He got greeted by all of his classmates, even Eri said happy birthday to which brought a big smile on his face. 

All Might came down and spoke a few words to his successor. Even Aizawa, which surprised the whole class. 

“Soo..” you spoke up, hands clasped behind your back. “Did your mom call?”

He nodded and looked up at the sky, red tresses adorning the blue sky. “She did. She was the first one to call me this morning”

“I’m surprised she didn’t stop by. I mean after all, I’m sure she could have gotten a free pass or something” 

“Yeah” he mumbled, eyes averted downwards. Something was on his mind. 

“Hey, why am I getting the feeling that you aren’t okay?”

A shrug of his shoulders made him lift his head to meet your gaze. “I’m alright. Just thinking.”

“Whatcha thinking about, Izu?”

“The normal is all.”

“Oh” was all you said as you lowered your head, regretting that you even asked him. 

His elbow gently jabbed into your side. “Don’t look so down.” A gentle smile appeared on his lips, motioning to the park bench with his head. “I still got time.” 

“Yeah you’re right about that.” you followed his footsteps from behind, placing yourself down on the wooden bench. 

A comfortable silence overcame the both of you. You leaned forward, resting your hands on your knees. “It’s been a long time hasn’t it?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Did you ever think we would be here? I mean since we were kids, I just… When I was younger I didn’t think we would be here if I’m being honest. I thought we were just going to have playdates till we drifted off once we entered high school.” 

Izuku turned his body to face you, concern evident on his face as his grey and green eyes glossed with tears. “You thought that?”

You nodded slowly as you pointed a finger towards the playground. “Do you remember? You came up to me with that bright smile of yours, asking me if we could play together. I remember we played superheroes, played on swings, and went down the slide so many times.”

A wave of nostalgia hit his body as he relaxed, leaning into the wood of the bench. “Yeah, I remember that. t’s funny how simpler times were back then huh? Not have to worry about grades, quirk sometimes, and...” he got quiet as his leg bounced up and down. “And soulmates”

“You seem to be stressing about your soulmate a lot. Izu it’ll happen. I promise. I mean you are technically of age now.”

“Yeah but what if it doesn’t happen?” he whispered, clenching the iron bar of the armrest, a small spark of his quirk emitting from his body. “What if I’m not meant for anyone? What if I’m one of those sad cases that will never ever find someone? Those pity stares keep me up at night! Everyone always talks about me like I’m not there!”

A small sob left his lips as a hand covered his eyes, shielding the small sense of dignity he had left. 

“Izu,” you whispered breathlessly, reaching out to touch him. Your fingertips touched the top of his shoulder, his body jerking away. 

“No! I don’t want you to feel bad for me! I like you! I like you so much but I’m not for you! You aren’t for me! I cry every day because you’re the one I want yet I can’t have you!”

Your vision grew blurry as you desperately rubbed your eyes with the back of your hand to conceal your tears. “You dummy..you can’t just say stuff like that!”

He sniffled as he looked over at you. “And why is that?”

You felt your heart stop. A funny feeling running through your veins. Butterflies appeared in the pit of your stomach. “Izu...” you whispered and suddenly cradled his face, your thumbs rubbing the swell of his tinted cheeks. “You- your eye.” 

His eyes widened drastically and he immediately shoved his hand into his pocket, pulling out his phone. Turning on the camera he faced it toward him as he choked on air. Green and maroon eyes. “It’s maroon,” he whispered and lowered his phone onto his lap. 

You let out a shaky breath and reached for his hand. A spark of electricity ran through your veins at the touch. His presence was clear as ever. His touch was real. It was like you were able to see clearly now. 

This was the moment everyone spoke of. The warmth of their partner touching them for the first time. The newfound wave of love exploding throughout both bodies. 

“I can’t believe it.” His eyes wandered to your hands enclosing his, focusing on his birthday tattooed on your thumb. The word and numbers adorning it. 

“Neither can I,” you replied, squeezing his hand gently. 

“There are an infinite amount of soulmates you could have had...yet you got me.”

A small smile tugged your lips as you stroked the side of his face with your knuckle. “There may be infinite amounts but I wouldn’t dream of being theirs. I only want you, Izu.”

He stood up abruptly as he held his hand out. “Well Princess, are you ready to dance and dance?”

A laugh left your lips. The moment when you were both small as you made a promise to each other replayed through your head. You could have swore you imagined a smaller version of the both of you, dancing and running around the playground behind him. A sign that everything will be alright. 

You placed your smaller hand in his, using him as leverage to stand up. 

“I’m ready to dance and dance with you until the end of time, my Prince.” 

[preciouspeterbparker]

i wish i were

inspired by conan gray’s “heather”

warnings: stepsibling incest (not yet but that’s the whole premise), underage masturbation, underage sex, angst. peter���s like 16 and a half, Tony’s almost 18

word count: 2.2k

summary: peter’s in love with his big brother. no biggie. (spoiler alert: it’s a big deal)

(A/N: okay this has been living in my head rent free for over a month. i've written more, but it's not fully fleshed out yet. 

i figured i would post this and see if anyone is interested in reading it before i put a bunch more effort in lmao. this is filth. most of the angst comes later lololol (and more filth).

i hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think / if you'd like to read more!

- bloo)

PART ONE

Peter stands at his locker, desperately trying to blend in and remain unseen as he switches out his English textbook for Physics. The school year is basically over, given that it’s the last week of May but he’s still not comfortable in the junior-senior hallway. He’s always been the youngest (and therefore smallest) kid in most of his classes, given that he’s been in the ‘gifted & talented’ track since middle school. (He’s on track to graduate next year, taking his last few mandatory classes and completing an internship for additional credit.) This year, Peter feels even smaller than usual; maybe because most of the seniors are already eighteen, while as a sophomore, he isn’t even seventeen. He doesn’t have many friends this year, because of it. Ned moved away last summer because his dad got a new job, and, well, he’d never really needed more than Ned before. 

“Hey Pete-squeak,” comes a voice from behind, making him jump. Rolling his eyes, Peter pivots slightly to face the newcomer. The infestation of butterflies that he's been harboring for the past few months begins to flutter immediately, tickling the walls of his stomach as his cheeks flush lightly.

The voice belongs to a tall (or, well, taller than Peter, anyway), ridiculously handsome boy with dark hair and dark eyes, walking towards Peter with his hands in his pockets. The cheeky smirk on his face is all but permanent, but the small, genuine smile it slips into is something that Peter holds close to his chest, something that is typically reserved for him.  

Tony, his older brother, is pretty much Peter's favorite person in the world. Technically, he’s Peter’s step brother. Maria, his mom, and Peter’s dad Richard got married when Peter was a year old and Tony was almost three. They’d essentially spent their whole lives together; neither of them could really remember anything before. They’ve always been close, but that’s changed a little bit this year.

“Hey Tony,” Peter chirps, reaching back into his locker to grab his physics binder. He tries to act natural, even though he feels anything but. His heart’s going a mile a minute inside his rib cage. He feels a little ridiculous, he has for the past few months. Swallowing, he manages to sound relatively calm. “You read the last 2 chapters of Beowulf, right? Mrs. Herrera gave us a pop quiz last period.” 

The older teen groans. Closing his eyes, he throws his head back, a metallic thunk sounding as it collides with the locker he’s leaning back on. “Fucking hell. The final paper is due in like four fucking days! Is that not enough?” It’s quiet for a moment as Tony pauses before he opens one eye, cutting it to look at Peter. “What were the answers?” 

Peter snorts in response, shutting his locker. “Not happening, T.”  He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time and lets the left side of his body rest against the cool metal. Three minutes til the bell rings, and Mr. Riley’s class is right across the hall. So he’s essentially got three minutes to indulge himself and the fuzzy warmth that’s running through his veins. He loves any time he gets to spend with Tony. “You’re lucky I told you at all, be grateful.” 

Tony wrinkles his nose at him. “Rude,” he scoffs in mock offense. “I know you can remember them,” comes his teasing accusation. (And he’s right. Peter can recall the entirety of the quiz, but he’s still not going to enable Tony.) Then he pauses and raises an eyebrow at his younger brother. “Is that my sweatshirt?” The garment in question is a worn and slightly faded black Led Zeppelin USA 1977 crewneck sweatshirt. Peter’s wearing it over a charcoal and white check button-up. The sweatshirt is one of Tony’s favorite pieces of clothing, he wears it all the time (hence why Peter...borrowed it...without asking).

Having mentally prepared himself to be questioned at some point, Peter’s reply is already on the tip of his tongue. “Yeah, it ended up in my laundry and once I put it on it was too cozy to take off. And it looks good with these jeans and the button-up. And my boots. Trying out a new look,” he finishes, smiling as he pushes his glasses further up his nose. Tony often teased him about the thick, clear-but-slightly-pink frames, but Peter hadn’t wanted glasses at all (he doesn’t need any more reasons to be teased, thank you), but he likes these. They make him look cute, more feminine. More like someone Tony could want. 

“You’re right,” Tony smiles. One of his hands comes up to playfully ruffle at Peter’s russet hair. “Looks great on you, kid.” There’s warm affection in his voice. 

Peter feels his cheeks go hot again, and he wills the flush to go away. He can’t take compliments from Tony, now- they make him ache and preen simultaneously. He knows that Tony doesn’t mean it the way he wants. Peter knows that Tony would never speak to him again if he knew what was really going on inside his little brother’s head. The thought makes him sick to his stomach. 

Speaking of stomachs. “Hey,” he starts as he fingers through the papers in his physics binder, attempting to find the problem set that’s due today. “Did you ever catch up on Hell’s Kitchen? I’ve been rewatching episodes trying to wait for you, but you’re taking too long. You saw the episode where Gordon-” Peter’s heart falls to his stomach and he abruptly stops speaking when he looks up to notice that Tony isn’t looking at him anymore, barely seems to be listening. 

It falls completely out of his ass when he sees just what, just who, has stolen his attention. 

“Sorry, Pete, gotta go,” Tony mutters once he realizes that Peter’s stopped talking, shooting him a hasty smile and shoving off the navy metal. He skirts past Peter, a slight skip in his step as he makes his way down the hallway. 

Peter's swallows and clenches his jaw as he watches his brother walk straight to her, the bane of his existence. The reason he and Tony don’t spend as much time together anymore. The object of Tony’s affections. Pepper. She's...everything Peter wishes he could be, honestly. Tall, somehow a perfect mix of skinny & curvy, bright blue eyes, long strawberry-blonde hair. She's perfect. And not only in looks; she's also ridiculously smart. If Tony wasn’t valedictorian, she surely would be. She even volunteers at the local soup kitchen every weekend, and Peter’s pretty sure she reads to dogs at the animal shelter once a month. He hates that Pepper is so nice; he hates that he can't hate her without hating himself for it. 

As if he didn't have enough self-loathing already.

***

Peter exits the bathroom that connects his bedroom with Tony’s after gently flicking the lock on his brother’s door to disengage it, the soft ‘snick’ ridiculously loud in the quiet of the house. He’s the only one home; Mom and Dad are at some sort of event for Dad’s law firm, and Tony went to a party at Rhodey’s house. (Tony had insisted that Peter was invited, but he had to know that the younger would never go- why would he want to be surrounded by drunk, horny, belligerent teenagers? The last thing he wanted to see was Tony and- )

There’s a dark gray towel loosely wrapped around his waist, so loose he has to clutch it in his hand to keep it from falling. He closes his own bathroom door behind him and drops the towel, digging through his underwear drawer to pull out a random pair of plaid boxers. 

After sliding them on, the brunette takes a deep breath and lays back against the pillows, arms behind his head. He tries to consciously relax his muscles, the tension of the day not having melted away during his shower like he had hoped. Time for Plan B. It’s never let him down before. Peter reaches for his phone and unlocks it before swiping through his apps to open Spotify. The sound of “Dazed and Confused” fills the air through his speakers, and he sets it to repeat on a loop. It’s a little fucked up, the way he’s conditioned himself to respond to this song, but- Peter knows the whole thing is fucked up; he’s fucked up. 

Closing his eyes, he does the only thing he’s been capable of for months: he thinks of his older brother. 

He’s growing fond of the new facial hair Tony’s trying out; he wonders how it would feel against his skin. Which areas would be the most sensitive to its touch? His thighs? His neck? Peter’s head tilts back and to the side as he imagines wet, warm lips and the scratch of stubble. Just the thought, the phantom sensation, makes a soft mewl leave his mouth. It’s a little ridiculous how easy he can get himself going, when he thinks of Tony’s touch, of his body. Of his love. In his boxers, his cock shifts against his thigh as it begins to fill out. 

The sensual, plucky bassline and wailing guitars of the song drag along, and so does Peter’s breathing as he brings a hand up to pinch at one of his nipples. He imagines the way Tony would tease him until he was whining, begging for release. He supposes it wouldn’t be dissimilar to his older brother’s typical manner of playfully taunting him. Maybe Tony would pin him down like he did when they were younger, climb on top of him and hold him there with the muscles he’s gained from boxing in the garage. The opportunities he’s had to see the older teen breathing heavy, shirtless and glistening with sweat, would be forever ingrained in his mind. The mental image sends more blood rushing south and his dick throbs as it quickly reaches full hardness, drawing a gasp from his mouth. 

Peter takes himself in hand, studying the details of his cock. He knows he’s not huge, but he’s at least on the larger side of average. It’s flushed a deep, mauve-y pink, and he traces the line of a vein on the side with the tip of his pinkie. A shiver shoots down his spine. He wonders how similar it is to Tony’s. Is he circumcised like Peter is? Is he bigger? Longer, thicker even? Sure, he’s seen him naked before, when they were younger changing or in the bath, but that stopped around the time Tony was seven or eight. 

(Tony and Peter had come home from school one day, and Peter’s head had been reeling over what he heard some older girls saying on the bus. He’d decided to ask Tony about it. His big brother knew everything. ...Mom & Dad caught them kissing in their bedroom. That was the end of bathing together, and Tony got his own room, too. Peter never forgot about the way his big brother’s lips felt against his own.) 

A bead of precum oozes out of his tip and Peter rubs his thumb over it, smearing the liquid over his cockhead. Robert Plant’s voice moans over the speaker and Peter echoes the sound as he slowly strokes himself with a loose grip, his hole tightening around nothing. Biting his lip, he hesitates before slipping his left pointer finger into his mouth, rolling his tongue around it sloppily. Once it’s wet, he reaches down and gently presses the pad of his finger against the tightly furled muscle between his cheeks. His breath hitches as the sensation; he’s only touched himself down here a couple of times before. 

The tip of his finger begins to breach his opening and a whine leaves Peter’s mouth. It stings a bit so he tries to relax, muscles fluttering, making a mental note to grab some lube next time he goes to the drugstore. He wants to be able to stretch himself out more, to imagine Tony’s fingers, Tony’s cock, splitting him open and stuffing him full. Fuck-

Tightening his grip on the base of his cock, Peter grits his teeth and grunts softly as he pulls his finger from his ass. He can’t cum yet- he’s not done. He reaches under his pillow, pulling out the balled-up t-shirt that’s taken up residence there. The black fabric has faded in some spots, and the Black Sabbath logo is cracked and worn; it’s one of Tony’s favorite shirts. Peter brings the soft cloth up to his nose, fumbling with it to find the area with the strongest smell. There are hints of Tony’s Old Spice deodorant mixed with a scent that’s distinctly Tony, a warm, masculine musk that has saliva pooling in Peter’s mouth. Delirious, fucking his hand to the beat, he wishes he had dug a little further in the hamper, pulled out a pair of Tony’s briefs. 

That’s the thought that does him in. Peter cums into his fist, gasping his brother’s name, the sound getting muddled in the maelstrom of guitar and drums. Thick ropes of jizz splatter on his stomach and chest, entire abdomen heaving with his breaths. 

He wipes the mess up with Tony’s t-shirt before tucking the fabric back under his pillow for safe keeping.

to be continued???