#tired of dealing with this bullshit family LMAO

[ghoulangerlee]

Your dnd characters 👀

i will always be down to talk about my d&d boys!!!

I don't....actually have actual photos of them because I cannot draw, and so they live vividly in my mind. I Will Eventually commission someone to draw them though I think. ANYWAY.

Jamir - he's a half-dead (as in, that is his race, homebrewed myself) ranger who isn't wise enough to multiclass (his death took away some of his wisdom). He was human before his death--not the best sort of human, joined the army at a young age because that's all he could do, really. His parents well. He made a deal with someone not so nice and in exchange for their souls, he gained the ability to perform magic; simple things though, nothing too crazy. A few cantrips here and there.

Along the way, the faction of soldiers he's with are sent out to aid a dragonborn clan that's having issues of their own with infighting.

This is where he meets Elias, eventually, and they hit it off pretty much immediately. Jamir is of course, jaded all the hell, he's been fighting for half his life in an army of soldiers who just seem to be making things worse.

Elias gives him a way out, a chance at freedom, because Elias was also looking to somehow distance himself from all the fighting. They make a pact to leave together.

Until Elias's brother Arjhan catches wind of this and kills Jamir.

I can't go too much into Elias's backstory because I haven't delved much into it during the campaign and ofc both my players follow me here haha! But, Elias takes Jamir's body and finds a necromancer, makes a deal with her to bring Jamir back.

She readily agrees and makes sure he understands the consequences of this, of what could happen. The possibilities of Jamir coming back wrong.

Elias accepts these consequences readily.

And he does, of course, come back wrong. He's no longer human, smells of rot and decay and has to constantly drink potions to keep his skin from looking too pale. He has aches and pains despite being practically unkillable now. But, along with his new chance at life, he's also gained more access to magic.

Elias [Redacted] is a dragonborn paladin (he has a family name ofc but it's unknown for now, for a good reason)

is the son of a monarch, a clan leader, and he hates it. His clan is constantly at war with each other, with other dragonborn. with humans. you name it, they have a distrust of most other races, for good reason of course.

Long ago, a curse was placed on this clan, meaning that any children born to them would die. There is no known way to reverse this, until, one day, Elias's brother Arjhan was born.

Arjhan, he had not succumbed to the curse, and no one knows why, but this makes Arjhan a very popular target.

Elias had, for years, felt like he had to protect his brother from anyone. From the weird scientists and magic folk that their father had hired to test Arjhan to see if there was something about his blood that made him different, to the older kids that the two of them grew up around.

Arjhan was, in a way, viewed as the savior of the clan, much to the distaste of Elias.

The campaign actually begins with Elias and Jamir recruiting people to help them find Arjhan haha. At this point in time, there is still no cure to the curse and Arjhan is practically hated by the party (minus Elias and begrudgingly, Jamir--but also like wouldn't u also hate the person who killed you???)

ANYWAY. Elias and Jamir are in love, they are my mid-thirties baby boys who are just tired soldiers who want to rest their head somewhere but can't because they keep getting pulled into bullshit!

(also if you vaguely guessed that Elias's family story sounds eerily like the Krogan Genophage from Mass Effect then u would be correct. Elias is based on Wrex and Jamir is based on male Shepard but with a lil gay twist LMAO)

[ravenquingvax]

i really hate trying to google things related to my intrusive thoughts but i want to try and understand why i think the things i think, but a lot of the time the results i get are unrelated or i get helplines suggested or i end up being triggered by something

it fucking sucks man

i dont want these thoughts, i dont want to deal with this - im very good at stopping myself from following through and at talking myself down when they get bad, i can recognise when they're getting too much for me and have ways to calm down without help

i just want answers as to why its happening so i can better prepare myself for when it happens and adjust my methods for safely resolving my intrusive thoughts in a more productive manner

i just want to know if my occasional sudden urge to drink is just my intrusive thoughts or if its something more, you know???

i have a family history of alcoholism and almost fell deep into a steady pattern of alcohol abuse myself when i was in college before i realised what i was doing and immediately stopped myself before it became a proper problem

are these urges to drink a symptom of a more serious underlying problem or is it just my brain being a piece of shit to me for no fucking reason

i know intrusive thoughts and alcoholism can go hand in hand, my main concern is am I handling these thoughgs correctly or am i setting myself up for hell down the road?

i haven't drank in months, last i drank was cider at Christmas and i had maybe 2 small cans and that was after having nothing for a whole year

and when i did drink in college it wasn't like i was binge drinking, i had a small sip of whisky maybe twice a day whenever i had to go into college and only on those days

that was more than enough as it was, honestly - it can start with just one sip to manage a headache, then its 2 then its 5 then you lose count

the moment i realised i was starting to try and justify drinking when it really couldn't be justified, and that i was falling into a pattern of harmful behaviour that would only worsen if i continued to ignore it, i immediately got rid of the last of my whisky and have never touched a drop since

i know not everyone can do that, I was incredibly lucky that i realised what i was doing before i couldn't stop myself

but now im worried that i had already done irreparable damage by that point

had i? or is it just my intrusive thoughts making me feel like i need alcohol so everything will be okay?? this bothers me a lot

i wont drink, i can't really rn anyway with the current state of my diabetes, but the urges are getting more and more frequent it feels like

and i am so fucking tired

anything that helps me shut up the urges would help a lot, even if it's just knowledge of what is causing them to start with

if i know what the problem is i can work on a solution

problem is, i dont know what the fucking problem is

the stress this causes does not help suppress the intrusive thoughts, as you can probably imagine, and only makes drinking sound all the more appealing.... the fucking joys

for the record, i am safe and sound tonight im just angry

angry and tired and angry at being tired and tired of being angry and maybe im also feeling a little bit robbed

but I'll be okay, just needed to voice this Bullshit somewhere

the ravens know i cant say any of this to my family lmao

fr tho, any info or advice is appreciated guys 💕

[that-starry-freak]

Starry please

i’m turning notifs on for you

ramble to me more about MoonChips /nf /silly

i’m so normal i swear

-💥 (i swear everyone knows who i am when i sign off as this but idc, you know who i am, others don’t lmao)

I know who you are what when??? I was under the assumption I was the only one who didnt-

ANYWAY I WILL HAPPILY RANT ABOUT MOONCHIPS

Oh my goodddd. I didn't like the ship very much before because of Moon being aroace, but what he said in the episode today completley changed my mind. Not only am I more interest in expiremntally shopping him with more characters, but eccpecially Eclipse!!! With how Moon said he'd want to try dating someone sarcastic and sadistic, a lot like him. And the way he described it fit Eclipse perfectlt!!!

And oh my god did that idea just open up so many possibilities to me. Eclipse si a lot more dry in his sarcasm, and Moon is a lot more sassy in it, and I feel liek thatd clash and compliment in such a cool way.

The way theyd make small comments to each other. Theyd be such asses but it wouldn't be in bad faith (at least not too much, but there would always be a bit of underlying emotion there)

There's the opportunity for comedy and interest and emotion with how it'd be new for both of them. Neither of them have ever dated before, and I doubt either (eccpecialy moon) would know if they would like it. I can see them figuring out what tkijd of dates they like, and both realizing they prefer secluded and at home dates because they can't stand people. They probably wouldn't want to kiss or anything, and the one time they did they probably promised never to do it again (though maybe as time goes on and they heal and become closer they become more welcome to it?? Maybe??). It would just be shocking to the family and im sure Solar would have plenty of comments about it (and im sure someone would make a joke about if Solar was going to date Nexus now and they'd have 2 Moon x Eclipse pairs lmao).

Eclipse would be such a tsundere and Moon would just find it funny and be having none of his bullshit. Like if Eclipse wanted to hold his hand and kept glancing at it and looking away and grumbling Moon would just take it and call him a dumbass. Like they'd insult each other so much but it'd be almost affectionate most of the time.

It would also be SO toxic tho. Like oh my god?? Moon is literally who caused 85% of his trauma (bm and a few others get the rest of that credit, tho bm exists because Moon put his code into Sun-). Moon still is rude to him even if he literally has done nothing wrong. (I almost started ranting about how unfair that was but I have to stop myself and backspace cause I was getting off track lmao) they HATE each other and yet I feel like they could heal. Moon could prove that he'd changed and Eclipse could prove that he's not the same person. They could learn to move past their biases of the other and heal!! And it wouldn't be perfect, maybe not even healthy ever. There would always be underlying hatred and regret and apprehension and distrust. But it would at least be kind of functional, it'd work well enough.

There's just so many opportunities for comedy and fluff and angst

And ohbmy God don't even get me started on what happened if it happened from the beginning! If Eclipse started resenting them and then Moon made a deal with him. And he got a new body and there was a lot less angst and stuff. But possible still unhealthy caus eomg what if Eclipse looked up to Moon?? And moon was kind of using him??? Idk im tired

And also V2 Eclipse x Old Moon cause they already had a deal. Imagine if Moon had made him a body and they'd gotten closer during the deal and started experimenting together- snsusnshnaa

There's probably more that I missed that I'll think of later, but yeah!!!

[rayclubs]

Am I correct in saying that you don't like nb pyro, trans scout, and gender-fluid spy mainly because they're not creative? Like you wanna see people almost "not state the obvious"?

Slightly unrelated lmao when you said you thought that trans scout was transphobic I was totally like, "Oh yeah I think he'd totally have some internalized transphobia." So, what do you think about the mercs and that? If they do/don't & how they deal with internalized transphobia/homophobia or gender dysphoria in general?

Sorry if any of that came off as rude, I didn't mean for it to.

No, creativity isn't the issue here at all.

To be clear, I don't think that any character interpretation having any gender or sexuality is inherently creative, just how in real life being LGBTQ+ is not a trend but a state of being. The creativity in character creation or analysis comes from exploring how their gender and/or sexuality relates to and is a part of their life experiences, relationships, values, personality, culture, self-expression, and other defining aspects of their existence.

My issue with nonbinary Pyro, transgender Scout, and genderfluid Spy is that of redundancy, or worse - insidious bigoted rhetoric. Hateful, malicious people have spent years reimagining the diversity of queer experience into a collection of easily-strawmanned "tropes" and delusions, and the media took them and ran with them for almost as long as it existed en masse. Scout by design is what a prejudiced mind imagines a trans man to be, Spy's genderfluidity is assumed because he doesn't fit a centuries-old patriarchal understanding of masculinity, and - the worst offense for me, personally - in my close, regional, almost familial culture nonbinary people are still seen as obscure non-human creatures, such as Pyro is occasionally implied to be.

It's... understandable, really. Plenty of trans guys relate to Scout, I know genderfluid people who see themselves in Spy, and enough nonbinary people have told me how much Pyro means to them for me to learn to keep my voice down when I talk about this. I'm not asking people to stop making these interpretations, I'm only asking you to please consider where they come from, and to broaden your horizons with other, more varying, more meaningful ideas besides.

Now, as for your other, more loaded question - I will not be making TF2 transphobia headcanons, because I do not want to and would not be comfortable doing it. I know you meant neither offense nor harm by asking, and none is taken, but that's a firm "no", and now I have to clarify why because I want anyone misinterpreting my stance here.

I live in a place where same-sex marriage is still illegal. Transgender people have no legal rights in this country, and I have found myself wondering "Is this the part where I get hate-crimed?" much more often than I would wish even upon my worst enemies. So, no, I'm not one of those who think you can never ever put bigotry in your stories and headcanons because something-something gay people can have stories that aren't tragedies. Because fuck me, some of us are still living those tragedies, and many people have it way worse than me in the year of bloody 2023, so - I'm getting off track. The point is, you can put anything in your stories. You can have your characters deal with internalized or systematized bigotry, and I think that's perfectly fine, whichever way you may want to do it.

The reason I'm not doing it is ONLY because I myself, personally, don't want to. Not because it is rude, or immoral, or wrong, or "problematic" (I hate this word), or children might read it, or it's bad representation, or any such bullshit argument. It's just me, and I'm very tired, and I hope nobody sends me any negativity over this, but I've kinda braced myself already so go ahead anyway. Cheers!

[ventruevitae]

Katerina's baby sister is a Lasombra? :0

indeed!

of course, she had no idea of this until Many years after the event had already taken place, but yeah, elissavet is still out there & survived despite the odds. she was embraced a short handful of years after kat was by a lasombra looking to gain a foothold within the camarilla. not exactly a mirror of apollonnio, but definitely not a person with her best interest at heart either. elissavet's sire is... 'friends' isn't the correct term, but they know apollonnio & had business dealings with him prior to either party embracing a childe. elissavet's embrace was actually suggested by him, knowing how much tragedy her family had experienced in recent years tragedy which totally completely had Nothing to do with his meddling, none at all & knowing how the lasombra typically went about scouting candidates, it made sense.

he also saw it as an opportunity for future potential plans, knowing there was a solid chance he would be able to use this to his advantage some way in the future. it didn't take a lot of manipulation on his end to convince elissavet that her older sister had intentionally fucked over their family and that definitely shouldn't waste her time reaching out to kat in any capacity. elissavet may or may not have been privy to at least some of the abhorrent treatment kat was receiving at the time, which makes for a very 'interesting' discussion in the years following the events of bloodlines.

basically just a lot of betrayal and hurt feelings between the two lmao :')

elissavet was the youngest of the five sisters, & being the oldest, kat basically raised her after they lost their mother young. i think at some point, elissavet realizes how much she was used and manipulated, but won't broach the topic herself because she's quite frankly Terrified of her sister's reaction. she also feels that kat would be completely justified in feeling any type of rage towards her, because she took everything apollonnio said at face value & ergo was complicit in kat's abuse. realistically, was that a fight she could have won, had she tried to rescue her sister? probably not, but at least kat would have seen that she still had people who cared about her.

& as for how kat feels about her sister presently, it's really complicated, tangled up in so much pain she doesn't even know where to start unravelling it. on one hand, she knows what her sire was like, so she's not surprised and even a bit forgiving about the whole thing. in her head, elissavet was a victim too, just in a different form. on the other hand, kat finds herself sitting with real genuine grief about it. she can't help but wonder just what it is about her that makes her so easy to leave behind, if it's somehow her fault, if she didn't take good enough care of her sisters, if she somehow deserved all of this. somehow it evolves into a nasty spiral of self loathing.

but she also knows that would still be a way of letting her sire win. whether that's true or not is debatable, but that's how it feels. he took her away from her family, made her old life disappear and made her stand by and watch as her father & sisters scrambled to pick up the pieces. she still hasn't visited her father's grave and doesn't know if she ever can. if she stays mad at elissavet, she's losing that one final fragment of who she used to be. apollonnio and his bullshit will have completely severed those ties, and that would be just one more thing he took away from her.

so she's kind of a pushover when it comes to her sister. elissavet struggles to put aside decades of being told that kat intentionally abandoned them all, selfishly fleeing once she got tired of playing caretaker at home. keep in mind, elissavet never really had another mother figure, but her siblings did, so they never felt as gutted when kat disappeared. she spent a long time convinced that taking care of her was what drove kat away. incidentally, their current relationship's status varies wildly from one week to the next. elissavet ends up accidentally hurting kat often, not really able to properly process the reality that kat never wanted to leave them & she was used as a pawn in someone else's fucked up mind game. kat keeps allowing it, not wanting to be abandoned or give the impression that she's leaving elissavet again, not wanting to let her sire take something else away from her.

elissavet is... conditionally allowed to be around the rest of kat's coterie, shall we say lmao. they tolerate her presence because kat wants to be close to her again so badly, it's kind of sad to watch her keep putting her neck out there time and time again, only to have it all crumble after a misplaced word or two. skelter is by far the most cordial, content to just let her sit there and mind her own business. elissavet is keenly aware of her status here, so she does what she can to not rock the boat. damsel's grudgingly tolerant, especially after she ends up friends with kat, because it's a favour for someone she's come to care about. still, she finds it frustratingly paradoxical that kat is the only person who seems to be able to openly express distaste with elissavet, even if she kind of gets it at the same time. (kat appreciates the great amount of effort it takes for her to bite her tongue, don't kid yourself.)

nines is also very much letting this happen for kat's sake. he does Not like elissavet, doesn't like the cowardice she's exhibited before, and definitely doesn't like her habit of stirring the pot & then leaving when things start to get too heated. he absolutely understands why kat will put herself through the ringer for her sister, and thinks that if the roles were reversed–if he suddenly found out that one of his siblings had suffered the same fate as him–he'd also be bending over backwards to keep them around. of course, he has the added benefit of knowing none of them would ever end up working with someone so openly fucking Vile like apollonnio, so it'd be easier in that respect. he genuinely can't wrap his head around how elissavet could just be a bystander for all of that. kat hasn't told him everything that she's been through, but the bits and pieces he's heard are enough. to him, it doesn't matter what lines she was being fed, elissavet shouldn't have fucking done that. if kat ever decided she was 100% done with her sister and never wanted her near the vicinity again, he'd make it happen without a second thought. for now, though, her just kind of hovers whenever she's around. elissavet isn't going to try anything, it's just more of a silent reminder for her to try not to say anything stupid.

mitchell is ambivalent about her, honestly. they've met a handful of times, with elissavet avoiding the malkavian more than anything. it's pretty clear that she doesn't like how insightful mitchell can be, or how easily she reads her. elissavet has always preferred keeping her cards close to her chest, so someone who has an uncanny ability to see right through that is unnerving at best. mitchell also seems to be the one person who can get away with telling kat that her sister is a horrible person (is this because kat expects it from her, or because mitchell is a more objective opinion? we may never know the truth).

none of kat's other immediate family found themselves as kindred, and elissavet lost track of their other three sisters as time went on. she knows for certain that none of them stayed in new york after losing two siblings and their remaining parent, but beyond that, not much else. it's very possible that kat has some neices and nephews out there, but she tries not to give that too much thought because the idea of being removed from that hurts. they each use falsified surnames and swap them out every few decades for the sake of upholding secrecy, though kat is a little more lax with the timing these days. kat is far more sentimental than her sister, and far less adverse to physical contact. elissavet likes to pretend that she's unaffected, but one of the things she missed the most after kat disappeared was the easy way she would offer hugs & brush her hair well past childhood. reflexively, she finds herself opening her mouth to get on kat for smoking so much, since she's never liked the habit, but stops herself when she remembers that the cigarettes won't hurt anything at this point. despite it all, she misses the sound of kat's laugh. they aren't at the point where she's had many opportunities to do it (tears are more common), but she remembers it enough to know it was a sound of comfort.

[magnoliamyrrh]

wait im so sorry. last rant of today im going to throw my phone in a ditch before i write another one

i find it rly funny how so much of the internet has taken up openly being like, yea wait actually older women actually -. glad were on the same page

but. i uhHh feel like so much of it is just. such a pornophied or overly sexualized or objectifying, fetishistic, not as in having a fetish as in reducing a person to a fetish, version of this. quite similar to something else ive brought up before which is the way people treat dominant women. "sTeP oN Me" sorta things and, again, just reducing them to their role as femdom while having no care for the fact that they're a full ass human being with complexities and needs and limits

same with this. like,, you know, despite the apparently collective mommy issues of the internet, older women are just people. they're just, human beings, they're just women. and its weird and off to almost always reduce them to this role of "milf" which is porn terminology, to prepetually refer to them by sexualized porn terminology even when not speaking of sexual things, to reduce them to just, essentially, sex and your issues and a series of stereotypes essentially and what you can get out of them??

like lmao for all this idk how many of yall Actually outside of. like. sex or theoreticals or whatever, would even want to be with older women? like - as real human beings? to live w all the things that entail - the list of issues and problems that older women actually have, that theyre in a different place in life than you financially and job wise and w the issues they have w their family and experience wise and mentally and physically, and unless youre disabled and you already get it, theyre probably a whole lot more tired and fed up with things than u are. like yea age gap relationship can work, you can make a ten or more year age gap work its been done, power dynamics and imbalances can be negotiated and equalized but that only works with maturity, not theirs but mandatorly Your maturity as well lmao and its far from the list of things that is easy to make actually work out well. like ?? sorry you want a older woman to take care of you - which isnt exactly little to ask weather its financially or emotioanlly or etc etc - yup i get it. bad case of trauma brainrot etc etc all that. have you considered what You're going to do to balance that out? how much effort it actually takes? that actually if youre asking someone to take care of you, you better be stepping up and doing the same in return? what you can bring to the table ¿?

like dude idk. older women already have so much bullshit to deal with, and so many already are distressed bc of fuckin beauty culture and societies obsession with youth and how if you haven't found someone by like 28 and achieved idk what you're doomed and worthless apparently and your life is over and thats it, and so many end up having a midlife crisis at like 30. and if all this was leading to idk a shift away from societies obsession w youth and all that or lmao get this an actual care and discourse for the sorts of issues ageing actually brings women which were all gonna end up dealing w too, itd be one thing. except, in actuality its not, its just that they're being sexualized and objectified now and this whole thing doesn't involve any more respect or care than it did before

[transmasc-wizard]

Would you like to talk about mack?? :D

i WOULD

unfortunately, this will not be :D . this will be D:

tw : familial abandonment, drug use & dealing (doesnt go into huge detail but its mentioned), manipulation/shitty friends, depression, self-worth issues, self-destructive behaviour

so mack (it/any btw) is a character who is very convinced he has already gone through his Character Arc(TM) and doesn't need any more help with his issues. and like, he absolutely got over a lot of issues he used to have, but a lot of other ones were just... pushed down to a place where it can pretend those problems don't exist anymore.

mack was shunned by its whole family when they were turned into a vampire at 15 by their manipulative and shitty vampire "friends", and ran away shortly after. they almost immediately fell into a group of shady people, since that was what it was used to. mostly, these people broke a lot of laws to have a lot of quite-dangerous-in-retrospect parties. illegal fireworks, irresponsible drug use, dares like "play chicken but with cars instead of swings", that sorta thing. mack knew at least 2 people who died at these things and it was not uncommon for them to wake up six blocks away with a memory gap of several hours

this went on for 2-3 years, im not quite sure, until one day mack watched One More person die at a party and was like . hey . maybe this isn't a good use of my life. and he just... ran away again? not in the same way, but he just ghosted everyone she knew and had to start over. it had a lot of shady/sneaky skills from times it used to help w drug dealing, so it put those skills into working on not-super-legal issues but in a significantly safer context (essentially scamming billionaires).

at this time, around age 18 or so, Mack was also loitering a lot at a cafe frequented by university students. at this spot was where Mack met the then-20 and extremely optimistic (lmao) James, a first-year theoretical physics major. when James (Sufferinf w/ rent) realized mack was homeless, he offered to let it stay with him, and mack then officially had a living space ! hurrah. this was the point where mack went "okay so clearly i am now okay. i have a house, food, a less-illegal-than-before job, and am not actively and dangerously using drugs or doing horrifically reckless things. im normal!" and shoved all their issues under the rug

those issues included the fact that by this point mack was just. incapable of showing negative emotions, bc they thought no one would love them if they did bc they'd be too much of a burden. (this is heightened by the fact their chronic pain started at 17.) then there's also the insistence that their constant exhaustion, apathetic feelings, and deep fear of getting close to people is Normal And Fine, their fear of any person who presents themself as a parental or otherwise familial figure, their feelings that it's not worth anything if it can't make others constantly happy, and her inability to cope with anything that she doesn't know how to bullshit through.

by the time the story starts, Mack and James have collected 2 more roommates (Leah and Spacey) (and they will get Val next ofc). James is... significantly more tired and significantly less optimistic, which also makes Mack feel more like she's in control (like, see, even JAMES is doing bad! so surely it's just the average stress of life. i'm ok. never once does he consider James is just also crumbling till like halfway through the book, and that is actually a tense side of their friendship). mack is very very convinced that since it's not actively putting itself in danger twice a week, it's FINE, and no one has to WORRY, and--

then val comes along and kinda. forcibly makes him realize he is not ok. and funky story things ensue :3

[misssugarpinkshome]

Author Update!

Hey y'all! Here's the author update. Just posted Chapter 58, I'm so excited since the next chapter will be incredibly challenging for me to write. I hope you guys are excited as I am.

I'm... actually gonna put the update this time under a cut, cause it's A Wee Bit More Serious than normal, lmao.

The TL;DR: this boy can fit a whole lot of trauma in him, and he's kinda tired of it. It's been an incredibly hard month, but I'm also looking at the amount of growth I've done and I'm proud.

Thanks for reading, folks!!

(Big ol' trauma dump below the cut!)

OOOOKAY so like. Yikes!

I got called out by someone I look up to basically telling me I needed to shape up, and while they weren't WRONG, it really fucking hurt. As in, I got so incredibly triggered that I cried for about 48 hours straight.

This also led to me and a friend of mine having a really big falling out, and while it got resolved, oof it was exhausting.

At the end of those 48 hours, I had to deal with a situation in a server I moderate for where someone made some incredibly serious allegations about another server member.

The allegations turned out to be false, so we did not ban the server member who was accused -- which led to a callout post being written about me and the server, with false allegations about me that were incredibly triggering.

:) This was all right before a very nauseating 14 hour car ride :) Definitely did not fuck up my brain :) Definitely did not cause me to maybe split again :) Oops

My vacation to see my partner's extended family went really well at least? They're really awesome and good family. But I spent all of my free time working on a (currently around 50 page) document detailing all of the bullshit that happened with the allegations. Yes. It was that many pages. That's about a fourth of the bullshit.

Remember how I was on vacation? Well. I lied to my parents about my location. And they found out. And one thing led to another, I called them, they screamed at me, and... I broke my phone. I've made the decision to cut them off, because I just... can't handle this anymore.

Anyways. Cut to the present. I still haven't told them, but they figured as much since they can't reach me through my old number. My mom keeps emailing my workplace trying to contact me. I haven't been able to read them yet. My therapist is helping me compose a letter to my parents and my sister to let them know. My partner and my friends and family-by-association has been really supportive and caring, and it's a lot. Not to mention, school has started again, so now I'm back to being overworked and underpaid (and... actively dealing with some severe harassment from a homophobic student each day at the moment... ugh)

It's been an incredibly fucking hard month. The way I have to look at it, though, is that I am incredibly strong and I have grown so damn much. I have a lot going on, and normally, this would be enough to make me completely self destruct.

But (with the help of friends and my chosen family alike), I managed to help clean the living room. Today I did some dishes. I am ROCKING teaching. And... I'm desperately, hopelessly in love with my fiance, and feel safer than I ever have before.

I've always hated the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" because of what I've been through. But right now, I'm feeling very strongly a variation of the phrase: "what you survive influences who you are; processing that makes you stronger." I feel like I've grown a lot in the past year alone, and it's only going to get better.

So... yeah! There's a huge big long trauma dump. I'm so so sorry lol I just... I want you guys to know about the person behind the T_T profile picture. It feels good to be seen. <3

[faerune]

25-35 for sam and camila!

How much time do they spend together? Do they share their feelings, or hold things in? They spend quite a bit of time together! More than they'd care to admit actually, they're attached at the hip at a certain point. Trust doesn't come easy for Camila and she genuinely enjoys Sam's company so she keeps him close. Same goes for Sam! As for feelings, they are both opinionated and will tell each other if they're pissed but Sam is the one most likely to bow out like WHATEVER FINE and stuff is feelings down. How do their friends feel about their relationship? Their families? Haha well considering Camila tried to (directly or indirectly) kill Nate, Elena, and Sully it uh...certainly takes some getting used to. Sam writes to Nate quite a bit and starts to mention Camila a lot and Nate's like hm. ok I GUESS. and then Sam starts signing them with S+C instead of just S and Nate knows they're not even a point in genuinely trying to convince his brother Camila is a bad idea. By extension, Elena just kinda deals and eventually her and Camila weirdly get along and have quite a few things in common. They catch each other like Relating and having a good time chatting for the first time and are like...the fuck? Sully learns much more quickly to trust Camila as he's on board with Camila for Sam's first hunt since Liberatalia.

Camila's friends are all very vapid and more...for Camila's benefit that her genuinely liking them. Her friends think he's a bit old OBVIOUSLY but handsome. Camila's father doesn't think anyone is good enough for his baby girl especially not a street thug from Boston, America. Do they have kids? Grow old together? Split up? Yes! Camila and Sam have a son Alexander ~6 years into their relationship. They weren't actively trying or anything it just kind of happened and the two of them were like...we'd make pretty awesome kids. Which is true! They do end up growing old together. Sam "retires" but helps Camila still run her black market contacts + forgery empire. What are their vacations like? Interesting...to say the least. Even if it doesn't turn into something crazy they still are thrill seekers. Exploring where they shouldn't, climbing mountains, swimming with sharks, etc. Nothing is ever boring with the two of them.

How do the handle disasters or emergencies? Minor injuries? Sickness? Camila starts planning, Sam does whatever he thinks is best in the moment. When it comes to emergencies that involve the other, they're a little less...straight to the point. They panic a little (this annoys Camila so fucking much lmao).

Sam is a big baby when he's sick, that's just a fact. Camila will baby him but she tires of it quickly like just take your meds and go to sleep asshole. Camila refuses to stop when she's sick and Sam has to coax her to rest. Could they manage a long distance relationship? They occasionally do for at most a couple months but they don't like it and could not do it long term. Do they finish each other’s sentences? Pick up any phrases or habits from each other? Know when the other is hiding something? I think they occasionally finish each other's sentences. Particularly when they're speaking in a language not their mother tongue and can't think of the word. Most frequently with Spanish and English with the pair of them (Sam and Camila respectively). I don't think there's any habits necessarily they pick up from each other but they're in tune with each other's if that makes sense. And oh god, yeah they get real good at looking past each other's bullshit.

Do they ever get into trouble? Is it serious, or are they just mischievous? Yes. A lot. Usually quite serious lmao What kind of presents do they get each other? Do they only do it on special occasions? Sam is so good at thoughtful gifts and for someone like Camila who has gotten everything she's asked for all her life it means a lot instead of someone just throwing money at her. Camila loves to spoil Sam in contrast. Buys him nice everything suits, jewelry, luggage, a beautiful custom wallet, nice dinners and expensive wine. Do they have any pets? No pets! They travel so much it's just not feasible. Do they bring out the best in each other, or the worst? Do they have a fatal flaw? Hm. I think it's both for these two. I know that's a cop out but really they're like that. The pair of them are both incredible smart and driven. They bring out the best of that ambition and the pair of them can talk for hours about the things that interest them the most. But they are also two people who will go after those ambitions with a ferocity that borders on insanity sometimes. They'll do anything to prove themselves. Camila wants to win. Sam wants to prove himself, wants something of his own. They're a bad combination in that way sometimes. But their goals align I guess lmao?

[asterisque-arch]

Ship bias for Diamant :0

Send ‘Ship Bias’ and I will share up to 5 Ships I have a bias for for my muse!

//since i answered with romantic ships with sylph’s ask, let’s go with platonic ones?

alcryst! of course! i adore them! the whole game and support chain show how much diamant cares for his lil’ bro, and how much the lil’ bro does too for the other, i love it, it’s so wholesome, i love the whole brodian family, finally some good family food after the mess that was three houses lmao. THANK THE DIVINE ONE.

framme! he totally adopted her, gonna teach her stuff and show her he’s honest when he told her all those things, plus if he marries alear (me) you know, she’s gonna have to deal with him too, gonna start early.

citrinne! like, “i don’t wanna deal with politic bullshit i’m tired” “say no more” i want my cousin to take care of my responsabilities too and the fact she’s alcryst’s retainer makes it better.

//more to be added as i get more supports/think about it/rp ???

[viksalos]

ok so he *did* and he found two evals actually!! the first one was as useless as i thought but apparently there's a second one that has some comments about social skills and mannerisms. he didn't say what the comments *were* but he says he mailed it to me

i didn't use the word "autism" when asking my dad about this bc i didn't want him to yell at me about how i'm wrong and there's nothing wrong with me etc.. in a way he's right, there's nothing wrong with me, but i'm realizing a lot of the obstacles he put in the way of me getting sufficient medical or psychiatric care my whole childhood were bc NOT doing so would mean admitting that whatever was weird about me was also weird about him. doesn't excuse his behavior of course but i understand why he did it now

anyways i'm putting together a case for an ASD assessment so i can keep my work accommodations and my stimulant script at whatever job i end up landing at after grad school (grad school is going MUCH better btw; it turns out my joke post a while back that was like "pretty sure my phd has just been 2 undiagnosed autistic women locked in a death spiral for 5 yrs" was probably right; my advisor has been VERY accommodating now that we know what my actual deal is and i can work again lmfao)

basically what happened was i had an ADHD assessment where the guy said i didn't have it bc i was "gifted," which i think is an outdated understanding/bullshit, but also i was told that the center that did the assessment also does ASD testing which i took to mean both tests would be done at the same time bc the current understanding is that ASD & ADHD can be comorbid. nope, turns out this place does them separately. i asked the evaluator about ASD at my followup and he was like "oh yeah that's entirely possible" bc he noted eye contact difficulties and history of social alienation on my report. not sure why he didn't bring it up at the initial appointment but w/e lol

so after the first appointment i'm super upset, go to my therapist and am like "please just medicate me ;-;" and she refers me to their in-house psychiatrist, i tell him i think i'm auDHD and he believes me *instantly* and treats me accordingly--i got SNRIs for the sensory/nerve pain i mentioned earlier, and stimulants for the executive dysfunction. dude is a miracle worker fr. (also he looks and talks like Colin Robinson from WWDITS, but like, if he was actually helpful. which is not relevant but it *is* super funny.) my therapist was skeptical about the auDHD at first but with backup from the in-house psychiatrist and some family stories i got from talking to my parents, she believes me now and therapy is productive again yay

and the family stories were like--oh yeah you toe-walked, spun around a lot, and also your current stims (which btw i had suppressed conscious knowledge of so much that i can't do them around people anymore and had no idea i was even doing them alone until my arms and legs got tired, and would freak out about it bc i had no idea what was happening) are *really* restrained compared to when you were little, which was the classic autistic hand flapping thing, but we just thought it was cute bc you were obviously excited. lmao.

oh and by the way apparently i could read at one year old, which is INSANE if my dad isn't bullshitting me. (autism quizzes will be like "do you have an unusual interest in letters and numbers?" and you'll be like "fuckin uhhh. idunno. what's unusual?" and then your parents will casually drop that you could read at ONE, which would not have been physically possible without an unusual interest in letters!!) and ALSO also i'm pretty sure i was only able to figure out that engineering would be a good major for me and was able to navigate the social aspects of college & my master's degree bc i had constant advice from my stepdad (who knew he had asperger's) while i lived near him & my mom, and his advice made more sense to me than anybody else's. lmao lmao

so MORAL OF THE LONG-ASS STORY, despite my psychiatrist, therapist, and ADHD evaluator guy all more or less agreeing with me, none of them can diagnose me formally, so now i'm gathering evidence and am on a waiting list for a center that actually knows its shit and does the ASD & ADHD assessments at the same time... in 8 months. :p (so yes rn i'm still only self dx autistic in THEE most technical sense, but if you read all this and still give me shit about it, idk what to tell you lol.)

that said, allowing myself to act & be psychiatrically treated as if i am for sure autistic has so far been the best thing i've ever done for myself. part of me kinda wishes i knew sooner so i might not have had to develop so many maladaptive coping mechanisms, but the other part of me knows that people didn't know nearly as much about this stuff when i was a kid, and i probably only got as far as i did bc my parents *didn't* pathologize my weirdness, lol. still, i feel mentally and physically better than i ever have; it legit feels like almost 30 years of pervasive shame has been lifted and i've been able to improve my relationships with everyone around me irl, including my shitty ass dad lmao. anyways sorry for all the lurking & sadness for the past several years; i appreciate u all my dear followers and thank u greatly for sticking around 🖤🖤🖤

actually for the Ten Days of Teshuvah i think it would be dope if my abuser gave me back the folder of results from the neuropsych eval i did as a child. probably doesn't say anything useful other than ""gifted"" because it was done in the late 90s or early 2000s but i'd like to have them anyway

[crayonverse]

Roman: who ate my mnms . i swear To God.

Reese: i did, fucker. what’re going to do about it? huh?

Roman: what if i stole your kidneys. what would you do then

Reese: id eat them straight out of your hands, now you have no leverage. loser.

Riker: for the love of god can you two have a normal conversation PLEASE

[jocelynships]

I was feeling better but lmao it’s nice to see people will get onto me for just going to the fucking bathroom (:

[havockingboo]

Oh man this au already got me in a death grip noooooo I know y’all are looking at me like “king……bro 💀 what are you doing with these poor skeletons” I’m literally so sorry I made another au to cope with DJDFKDVM IT WASNT MY INTENTION

so yeah if you haven’t guessed, this au will heavily focus on papyrus being the older brother in the family, high expectations that were pushed onto him since he was a kid. Was proud of himself at first for being the oldest and being the most mature one and being the responsible then!! Doesn’t realize that will have long lasting effects on him as he grows up being a perfectionist, horribly controlled emotions and some pent up anger and temper. Oh yeah, it’s one hell of an au.

Has a dad that practically feels like he’s absent, emotional neglect, family issues that are buried or completely ignored and thrown out but then bite you in the ass at the worst times!! Oh what an au this will be..

Sans doesn’t smile very much in this au, he’s uh. hella tired himself with all the bullshit his family has to deal with in itself. As the youngest, you’d figure you’d be given more attention and care but no, with a dad like his and a brother that can barely take care of himself mentally and emotionally, he wasn’t getting any of that. He even has a bit of a temper himself but he actually controls it better than his older brother does. That doesn’t stop him from being sarcastic(which a lot of people still mistake him being serious, it’s the never changing expression on his face and tone) He goes through a lot in this au too, on the surface he appears done with everything, anti social, forever resting bitch face but bro!! He still is a very fun guy to chat with, he still got a lot of jokes to tell he just uh…wishes people would notice when he talked or well..even paid attention to him anyway. again being the youngest ain’t easy.

And Gaster…………………………………we don’t talk about him SDJSDKDFLMF ah yes the typical “father who thinks his love for his children will be enough, giving the basic necessities and every now and then ‘praise’ before he disappears for 3 days or a whole week to do work.” He figured, I raised these boys myself!! they know how to take care of themselves without me! which is true but little did he know he should’ve given them more hugs when they were younger lmao. Now they’re messed up!! He loves Sans and Papyrus. He really does he just, failed to show the proper love and attention he was meant to give but woo. Gaster himself also has a temper EVERYONE IN THIS FAMILY HAS A TEMPER but his?? Oh it’s bad. Those long shifts then coming home late at night can be like walking on eggshells. That’s why Papyrus is always on his best behavior when he’s around!! Before he runs to his room and never comes out until he’s asked for something. Sans is always cooped up in his room, wanting to avoid any interaction with his dad. Gaster wishes his sons talked to him more, but he messed that up a long time ago…

Whew okay uhhhh…… that was a lot!! But yeah this family has a loooot of issues that will never get fixed cause they can’t handle emotional problems for shit. Besides Papyrus but well I that’s another thing ha

[reshirfuse]

god these tags are so based

THIS!!!

[huphilpuffs]

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