#i can survive on a autism self-diagnosis sure

[ravenquingvax]

i really hate trying to google things related to my intrusive thoughts but i want to try and understand why i think the things i think, but a lot of the time the results i get are unrelated or i get helplines suggested or i end up being triggered by something

it fucking sucks man

i dont want these thoughts, i dont want to deal with this - im very good at stopping myself from following through and at talking myself down when they get bad, i can recognise when they're getting too much for me and have ways to calm down without help

i just want answers as to why its happening so i can better prepare myself for when it happens and adjust my methods for safely resolving my intrusive thoughts in a more productive manner

i just want to know if my occasional sudden urge to drink is just my intrusive thoughts or if its something more, you know???

i have a family history of alcoholism and almost fell deep into a steady pattern of alcohol abuse myself when i was in college before i realised what i was doing and immediately stopped myself before it became a proper problem

are these urges to drink a symptom of a more serious underlying problem or is it just my brain being a piece of shit to me for no fucking reason

i know intrusive thoughts and alcoholism can go hand in hand, my main concern is am I handling these thoughgs correctly or am i setting myself up for hell down the road?

i haven't drank in months, last i drank was cider at Christmas and i had maybe 2 small cans and that was after having nothing for a whole year

and when i did drink in college it wasn't like i was binge drinking, i had a small sip of whisky maybe twice a day whenever i had to go into college and only on those days

that was more than enough as it was, honestly - it can start with just one sip to manage a headache, then its 2 then its 5 then you lose count

the moment i realised i was starting to try and justify drinking when it really couldn't be justified, and that i was falling into a pattern of harmful behaviour that would only worsen if i continued to ignore it, i immediately got rid of the last of my whisky and have never touched a drop since

i know not everyone can do that, I was incredibly lucky that i realised what i was doing before i couldn't stop myself

but now im worried that i had already done irreparable damage by that point

had i? or is it just my intrusive thoughts making me feel like i need alcohol so everything will be okay?? this bothers me a lot

i wont drink, i can't really rn anyway with the current state of my diabetes, but the urges are getting more and more frequent it feels like

and i am so fucking tired

anything that helps me shut up the urges would help a lot, even if it's just knowledge of what is causing them to start with

if i know what the problem is i can work on a solution

problem is, i dont know what the fucking problem is

the stress this causes does not help suppress the intrusive thoughts, as you can probably imagine, and only makes drinking sound all the more appealing.... the fucking joys

for the record, i am safe and sound tonight im just angry

angry and tired and angry at being tired and tired of being angry and maybe im also feeling a little bit robbed

but I'll be okay, just needed to voice this Bullshit somewhere

the ravens know i cant say any of this to my family lmao

fr tho, any info or advice is appreciated guys 💕

[aestherians]

Change and Loss

Word count: 1362

Expected reading time: 10-11 minutes

"If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you," is what I used to say - more as a reassurance than a statement of fact. I mean, how could I know for a fact that it was true? I didn't have any experience with losing a kintype. I still don't think I do; not really. And I always saw the idea repeated in the community - one time otherkind, always otherkind.

But I don't believe that's true anymore. I'm still a bison for sure. I've never doubted that. I'm still Ɐwhrayɐ the gnoll and I'm still Ben the shapeshifter… but I'm beginning to accept that those sides of me have changed.

"One time otherkin, always otherkin. If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you"… but what if that's not true? What if you still benefit from your kintypes, and they disappear regardless? What do you do if you lose a part of yourself, or if a part of yourself becomes unrecognizable to you? How do you keep living when you've lost yourself?

Sometime in 2023 the distress of always having to hide my true self became too much to bear alone. But I'm not a brave person. I think the better solution would've been to just bite the bullet and start expressing myself, but hindsight is 20/20. I've survived 25 years by hiding everything that makes me 'weird', and the idea of leaving my one dependable survival strategy behind was (is) terrifying. I went to a free self-help seminar ("Take control of your life!") but all it taught me is that I need a dependable support network before I can take control of my life. I went to my doctor to try and get a referral for a therapist (it's cheaper than just finding your own therapist). Instead he sent me to a psychiatrist for my 'delusions'. The psychiatrist told me my experiences, worldview, and self-perception were unusual but not harmful - they could only help if my goal was to get rid of my schizotypal traits (traits that weren't even significant enough to warrant a diagnosis). If all I wanted was to learn how to conquer my fears and express my true self, they couldn't help. It took months of visits to get the diagnosis: Traumatized by peer abuse, too poor to afford my own therapy, and too anxious and ADHD to even find a therapist in the first place.

I can't even say I was left at square one. I had started out hopeful. Nearing the end of 2023, I just felt helpless.

At the same time, my studies were drawing to a close. I completed my bachelor's degree in animal science and all it took was a diagnosis of ADHD so I could legally buy amphetamines, a compound-diagnosis of autism so I wouldn't get kicked out when I inevitably misunderstood exam questions and failed final after final, and 5½ years - almost twice the expected time for a bachelor's degree in my country.

It should've been freeing but instead it left me directionless. Helpless and directionless - that's how I entered 2024!

In the past, in the strictly structured day-to-day of school, my kintypes have been a source of comfort. Especially my Ben fictotype, which probably fell into the category of coping mechanism. I awakened in a time of intense stress and retreated to that world whenever my present life got too much. When crowds got me overstimulated or I missed an important deadline or fought with my neighbors or drifted apart from old friends, I thought about all the times Ben!me had gone through similar or worse. I cut off a friend in my present life after finding out he'd abused his ex - but in my other life I'd cut off a friend who tried to murder me, and things still turned out fine. I lived through it. I could live through it again. Every situation had a parallel in my other life.

I still don't know why that method failed me, but eventually it did. It's not that it didn't work, it was more that I suddenly had to put an effort into making it work. As if I'd always been able to enter Narnia and now suddenly I had to personally petition Aslan to let me back in. It started in the fall of 2023 but it wasn't until spring 2024 that I fully realized. Coping had never been an effort before, and the worst part is, I don't even know why it suddenly was.

My fictotype was drifting away, even when it still served me! This wasn't supposed to happen! Had I been lied to?!

I think our community has a lot of survivorship bias. Whichever mailing lists and newsgroups get archived, and whatever snailmail gets published, that's what our history is based on. The people who made archivable geocities sites get to write our story - not the people on closed forums or in private chat groups. People who leave the community don't tend to leave behind pristine essays on their fully archived websites explaining why they left. It does happen, don't get me wrong, but it's rare. And when they do leave behind messages, it's usually some variant of "I still love the community that fostered my awakening, I'm just an adult with responsibilities now and I don't have time for this."

But what about the people who don't love the community? Who 'unawakened'? Who aren't passionate enough to leave behind a final message? Do we ever hear from the otherkind who 'fizzled out' and became human - or at least lost a kintype?

You can understand my panic, right? I considered turning my fictotype into a copinglink, but my ADHD is so debilitating I barely remember to brush my teeth - no way I was gonna remember to do daily reinforcement exercises. Especially frazzled 2024 me (still frazzled as of June but I'm hanging in there!).

I was forced to accept whatever my come.

I'm still Ben, on some level, but I won't say "I'm thankfully still Ben," 'cause is it really that bad to not be Ben? Even if that facet had served me well and could still serve me? $1,000,000 could serve me well, but uselessly pining after it doesn't serve me.

I didn't prepare myself for loss because I really wasn't sure I was gonna lose a part of me - and, in any case, grieving preemptively is a waste of energy if you ask me. Instead a turned to the Bison - not my own bison theriotype, but the archetype of the Bison. When one woowoo solution fails, why not try another?

The Bison has always been a good teacher to me - better than any self-help seminar or psychiatrist. The Bison takes everything in stride. The Bison survives until it can thrive. The Bison ruminates on the present, it doesn't ponder the future. The Bison doesn't grieve or fret unnecessarily. It exists in the now. I exist in the now.

Of course, the chance that anyone reading this works with the Bison spirit is slim, but I think its teachings can help everyone - regardless of spirituality.

When turning to other worlds doesn't aid you, accept it, and turn to the present world. Let your worries pass through you, you can't see clearly when you're pent up with worry. You can't prevent the seasons from turning, all you can do is turn with them. Accept your lack of control, instead of trying to grasp at the uncontrollable. Sometimes change is unexpected, and you may not like it, and it might not even open up new doors for you. Not all change is good. But you cannot prevent every unwanted change, and you have to keep living regardless.

My fictionkinity doesn't have the intensity of my first few years post-awakening, but it also doesn't have the casual reassuredness of decade-old kintypes. It comes and goes, and when it comes it's like a whisper. And one day it might become too quiet for me to notice. One day it might not return.

But I think I can live with that.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hey we've been thinking about that "OSDD was a temporary diagnosis" post for a while and. it makes complete sense what you guys said but like. we can't get ANYONE to diagnose us as anything CDD, let alone anything that isn't going to give us the treatment equivalent of slapping a bandaid on a stab wound. Is there like, anywhere we could look further into P-DID/DID research on the subject? We're not comfortable moving off of the self diagnosis of OSDD-1b yet so we wanna be triple sure to get as much information as possible.

Thankies 💕💕💕

- 🐑 & 🌸 of the Constellation Collective

There's places all over to find that info, but I want to encourage you not to overthink it. You can dig deeper, you absolutely should, but the label... it doesn't matter. It's really, truly okay to get this one wrong and switch around between the labels or use them interchangeably. I promise. You don't need to be right, because you're right regardless (unless it's a misdiagnosis, but I'm going to talk about that at the end of this, because it's important).

I am diagnosed OSDD, but I call myself DID. It's easy, I understand that there's not that big of a difference, no one is going to yell at us (me or you) if it turns out that we have the other one. We're not misrepresenting ourselves. If it turns out I would only ever be diagnosed with OSDD, that doesn't mean I was wrong using the DID label, or that I was even mislabelling myself.

Whether you're diagnosed with DID or OSDD largely depends on where you live. I made a post about this a while back but I can't find it. The US is more likely to diagnose OSDD with minor amnesia than the UK. They're more likely to call minor amnesia DID (as they should). It's literally a dice throw, and not that important.

To quote my BFF, Colin Ross,

The dividing line between DID and most cases of dissociative disorder not otherwise specified is arbitrary [or OSDD]. Most cases of DDNOS are partial forms of DID which lack either clear switching of executive control, full amnesia barriers between identity states, or clear differentiation and structure of identity states. They are partial forms of DID with the same patterns of childhood trauma and co-morbidity.

Also this quote.

So on the one hand we have a vast swathe of people who are, or would be, diagnosed with OSDD as opposed to dissociative identity disorder but who show almost all of the symptoms of DID. Many people therefore see DID and OSDD as appearing on a spectrum, and prefer to conflate the two conditions so that DID/OSDD represents a range of dissociative experiences with more or less amnesia and greater or less elaboration and distinctive identity states or parts of the personality.

It is also what happens in practice: very few people would realistically distinguish between DID and OSDD.

And,

Both OSDD and DID are the result of the spontaneous action of the brain in response to trauma. Both contain different self-states, holding shards of memory and ‘unformulated experience’ (Stern, 1997). Both can be helped by similar approaches to therapy which encourage neuronal repair and result in brain growth such as increased hippocampal volume. Above all, all forms of dissociation need to be validated for their unique contribution to survival.

P-DID is a bit of a new one. Here's the ICD link to it, if you want to read more, but it's going to be the same as above. It's really not that important. Its main difference is that the system doesn't really switch, it's mostly intrusion (like feelings bleeding between alters and host).

These are really only useful for describing how your system generally functions.

Finally, misdiagnosis.

It's okay to be wrong completely. Maybe it's just BPD or OCD, autism, any of the number of disorders that come with identity confusion.

When someone self DX something like BPD and they finally get to therapy and find out it's literally ANYTHING else, we celebrate with them. Good job, you found answers! You're on the right path! You can get the right kind of help now. You did what you had to do in order to get by, and you did your best to try to understand yourself with the tools you had. The use of the first label wasn't malicious, you didn't hurt anyone by using it, and you probably got yourself pretty knowledgeable on the topic.

You are now a resource for those who are also trying to figure themselves out.

Who knows better what the difference between BPD and OSDD is than someone who tried out both and found the answer?

Being wrong doesn't mean you're bad, I don't know why we don't celebrate a misdiagnosis of DID like we do some others. We're all just trying to understand ourselves, and sometimes we're wrong. The point is that eventually we figure it out, and the journey there... recognizing a misdiagnosis is a GOOD part of your story, and it's an important story to share. You were still struggling, regardless of what label you used and what you're being diagnosed with.

Use the label that feels right to you. If you want to keep using OSDD, that's fine. You're describing how your system works right now, and that's perfect. Using DID or OSDD, you'll end up in the same place regardless-- hopefully this means with a good therapist who's going to take your symptoms seriously, but you're going to end up in that same chair no matter what label you're using.

I really hope this helped.

Also, I didn't really touch on it, but I'm sorry you're struggling to get a diagnosis. That must be incredibly frustrating. Don't give up. Unfortunately, the average is about 5 years for most. Keep advocating for yourself.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hiii

(This's mostly venting sorry, you don't have to answer this)

I have been reading a lot about autism/adhd and I noticed that I have a lot of characteristics (? that are similar with autism.... if I'm correct, a lot of things will have sense (this is a relief but also makes me afraid)

Some days I'm so sure that I'm autistic, like yeah, but others I tell myself "this doesn't make sense" (maybe I'm gaslighting myself?)

(Your blog have helped me a lot, thank you 🩷)

Hi there,

You could be dealing with something called Imposter syndrome. This makes you think that your characteristics aren’t legitimate. I found an article explaining it in more detail (this excerpt is going to be a bit long, so I apologize in advance:

Many of us who are autistic have had that sinking feeling that we may have been faking autism in some way, misappropriating a diagnosis that we do not deserve or fearing we have been misdiagnosed. Many of us feel we do not deserve the successes we have had. Could this be a case of imposter syndrome?

Impostor syndrome is the belief that one’s success is illegitimate and not deserved. Imposter syndrome was first identified by Dr. Pauline Rose Clance who observed that impostor syndrome is universal across all genders, cultures, and people, and is shared amongst the neurotypical and neurodivergent as well. 

Interestingly, impostor syndrome appears to be more prevalent with disadvantaged persons (Brevata et al., 2020). Imposter syndrome tends to affect academically minded people most. Because autism is considered a disability, this puts autistic individuals at higher risk of disadvantage and therefore, they may be at greater risk of experiencing imposter syndrome. Conversely, it does not appear to be tied to self-esteem, depression, or anxiety.

Imposter syndrome can also be applied to autism itself. I believe many of us who continue to mask (conform to expectations) do so because it has served us throughout our lives in different situations and has been a tool we have used to get things done and survive. 

For many, masking works well in certain situations, and even though it can be exhausting and result in long recovery times, it can still become our way of life. For some, it is the only way others know us. This is one reason it is so difficult for people to grasp the idea of someone being autistic whom they have known their entire lives. “But you never acted autistic when you were younger!” 

When you begin to drop the mask and behave more like yourself, others may find it difficult because your masked behaviors may have played a vital role in their life. Your growth and changes may mean they are left with voids in their lives that they do not know how to deal with. 

I hope you found this helpful. I left the full article so you can read more if you’d like. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[drdemonprince]

I have read your article about the pros and cons of Seeking an Autism Diagnosis. I think it makes some very good points. I would like to add my own point of view. At the beginning, it will sound like a far stretch to autism but hear me out :)

I am a transgender woman and my egg cracked right in the middle of the pandemic, a few months after my first, but quite traumatic, ulcerative colitis flare. After many years of overworking myself and drinking way too much on the week-ends, I just reached a point where my body told me “this has to stop”, I felt completely powerless and desperate. I had to implement self-care in my life, it was a matter of survival. The tricky part is that I have been hating myself and pretending to know who I was for so long. My whole life was about alienation. Worse, now I could not use the crutches I was used to. To move on with the transition I had to dig deep down within myself and it was scary and confusing and complicated. I did not feel I was trans enough to transition and I did not feel like talking with “regular” therapists was  helping, I felt misunderstood. At the same time, my gf and I spoke a lot, we knew I had some autistic traits but were never sure. I thought I was not autistic enough to search for a diagnosis. I got even more confused the day I learnt a lot of people on the autism spectrum are also trans or non-binary. 

I was paralyzed by wanting to transition but hating change but at the same time really wanting to have the benefits from HRT and surgeries. I was just going deeper into depression and not taking care of myself. I then thought looking for a formal autism diagnosis would maybe help me with the transition. If I was autistic, it would mean it was valid enough to transition. At this point, you will probably tell me “and you got yet another crutch”. But I can reply: maybe not, if you hear the rest of the story ? 

A week after having the diagnosis, I felt relieved and decided to call my parents to talk about it. I figured talking about my autism would be a good rehearsal for my coming out. The discussion went very bad. My mother especially was very defensive. I ended up crying. I cut all communication with them, I needed time to think. I ended up realizing I had seen how my parents really are as persons. And it was the most freeing moment I had in my life. I started to understand all the BS and the power they had over me, even by appearing as nice and caring. This experience enabled me to move on with my transition and un-shackle myself. It was a rough time but I finally can start to heal. I started HRT 4 months ago, bought feminine clothes last week and I am going at my own pace. I now know I can do it, it just started to click after that discussion. I know I will never use my diagnosis for anything else and at the time I decided I needed it was for completely different reasons, but now I really know why it was useful.

Thank you for reading me, feel free to give me your perspective on that. I just wanted to say people search for a diagnosis for many different reasons.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I guess my question would be, if you were in a country where it was necessary to get a gender identity disorder diagnosis in order to transition, would going out and getting that diagnosis have also given you the same kind of relief?

it kinda sounds to me like you took kind of a circuitous route to finding some credentialed authority who would sign off on your self identity in one fashion, so that you could feel okay about having the right to define yourself at all in any fashion. and i think you can be freer than that and deserve to be.

but like im glad it worked out! im glad you got the external permission that made you feel okay giving yourself the permission to do what you had already wanted. i hope you (and all of us) can get to the point where just wanting to do something is enough reason to do it.

i had to take a very complicated and indirect route to giving myself permission to be trans as well, of a different sort. so i do remember what those doubts were like and how impossible they are to intellectually argue away. shoutout to A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett and shit ton of high intensity erotic hypnosis for getting me past the point of intellect and into the realm of intuitively feeling what i had known all along

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hi Rachel,

In some of my writing I’m beginning to notice more and more that certain characters (not all) remind me of myself lol. And I hate it, I go back and rewrite them. But I’m interested if you relate to any of your characters as well so—Out of the characters you’ve written (Lonan, Reeve, Harrison, etc..) who do you think is the most like you? And what’s your take on writers seeing themselves in some of their characters?

feel about seeing reflections

Hahaha I used to HATE writing characters that were like me, and it took a while to realize that actually, they ALL are me in some iteration. To answer your question about writers seeing themselves in their characters—if writing characters that are “self-inserts” makes you joyful, DO IT!!! If writing characters who aren’t self-inserts but have attributes to you makes you joyful, DO IT! Or if you’re not into it—that’s fine too! Life is too short! Have fun with what works for you!

My experience below, this gets kind of intense as a warning! CW: suicidal ideation, disocciation

Aligning myself with my characters has been an intensely life-saving experience. I’m not sure I’d be here if it were not for Lonan… 16-year-old Rachel WAS him, and also needed him because literally nobody else “understood” where I was at except for him (undiagnosed autism for BOTH OF US??).

There was a time of my life where I couldn’t emotionally regulate at all, and in moments of stress, would often dissociate and quite literally converse with this man (looking back now, this was just a coping mechanism—confirmed by my doctor btw!—but for a couple years he was a genuine part of my psyche, like moved out of just character territory). I think I talked about this years ago, but I have a really distinct memory of disconnecting so much I quite literally thought he was THERE next to me, which I needed—he really became an externalization of the things I couldn’t deal with (or didn’t understand how to deal with). I needed to see myself reflected in the eye of someone else and for a really long time that was Lonan for me. Actually screaming crying that’s so cute.

And Lonan is similar to me in a lot of ways! This is a side tangent but when I was first diagnosed as autistic it made me wonder if I’d inadvertently written any autistic characters & it struck me way back then that the person most similar to me (Lonan lol) is probably also autistic. I was like—sensory issues?? No emotional regulation?? Speaks a bit oddly?? We are THE SAME. Haven’t really confirmed this in canon lol but I’ve been thinking about it since 2021.

Funnily, now that I have that diagnosis, my life is a lot more stable so like… I’m not currently the most like Lonan lol. But me at 16-19??? Absolutely him.

Unfortunately, I am currently HARRISON, which isn’t ideal but just like he’s a 21-year-old experiencing horrors I’m a 21-year-old experiencing horrors (which is why BB is sometimes painful to write cuz I’m like oooooh I’m feeling this… too much). To be fair, I’ve always said I’m the introverted version of Harrison (because I am lol our personality types are the same, not that I believe in those but since I was like 13 I’ve said this). But just like Lonan, Harrison has helped me now process some tough things this year that I’m not sure how else I would’ve survived. It’s important to me that I have fictional vessels to explore my own life with because it can help me identify problems & then learn to empathize with myself by empathizing with a character first.

Of course they’re also separate from me—they absolutely didn’t start as ME but as time goes on I start seeing myself in them particularly (Reeve sometimes too—our kindred spirits with processing toxic relationships <3). Maybe it’s because I am autistic, but I find it useful to understand my experiences via someone else. I love seeing the ways we can inform each other.

My TL;DR is I’m Harrison if he was Lonan so I guess I’m BB Harrison. Love this for me so much. But also add autism. Which is probably already there because: Lonan. LMAO and a dash of Reeve’s compartmentalization skills. And we have me!

[lumiereandcogsworth]

Autism ask meme: 5, 34, 38

5. what do you wish more people knew about autism? that it’s not just a little white boy sitting in the corner with headphones and can count all the toothpicks on the floor without looking. sure those people exist but autism is A SPECTRUM for a reason! not everyone is “a little autistic” - you are or you aren’t! but autistic people don’t all look the same because our traits present differently, those of us on the autistic spectrum make up the spectrum itself. - also self-diagnosis/identifying is just as valid as formal diagnosis. getting a formal diagnosis is expensive and difficult and wholly inaccessible for a LOT of people. it’s just not feasible for every autistic person to actually manage to Get a formal diagnosis. so until that’s an actual reality, where things are fair and ALL doctors are fully up to date in research and understanding (which, they aren’t), no one has the right to gatekeep autism. we know ourselves better than anyone. autism isn’t a cute trend, it’s a disability that SUCKS a lot of the time. i wouldn’t trade my brain for anything and i wouldn’t change how intensely i love things and feel in general, some days i really love being autistic, but other days i absolutely wish i wasn’t, because the world wasn’t built for me and it would be easier if i could survive it like neurotypical people do. anyway, TL;DR it’s a lot more complicated than rain man and sheldon big bang theory.

34. do you enjoy hugs? or are they sensory hell? i love hugs actually!! physical touch is my love language and it’s very much a sensory seeking for me. i don’t love hugs from Strangers, though. but that’s not a sensory issue that’s a social anxiety, “i have a very small inner circle and you are not a part of it” issue. but my friends and family? my inner circle people? HUGGIES!!!! just the other day i was with two of my besties and we were all snuggled in bed watching a video together. 10/10 evening

38. how good are you at detecting sarcasm? i’m honestly still sort of trying to determine this myself, as i socially unmask a bit more. the thing is, in my social masking, i’ve really learned and studied phrases that people say, the general dialogue of a chit-chat nonsense conversation. “small talk.” i’ve mastered that in a way where i could have the most shallow conversation with someone and i’m pretty sure they wouldn’t think anything of it. i mean, i didn’t even think anything of it until about a year ago. but anyway, i think i can pick up sarcasm fairly well. it’s tones i struggle with more. like i can get a sarcastic joke most of the time, but i think if you’re just straight up telling me to do something without actually saying it “the kitchen is a mess!” (apparently means i’m supposed to do the dishes?) that’s harder for me. i don’t know if that’s sarcasm too though ?? idk. still studying that myself!

[darkobssessions]

I just finished posting something on a youtube video of Aurora called 'Aurora being hilariously out of context for 6 minutes straight ' who I am sure is autistic but the world views as 'quirky' as with many other autistics, especially women.

I found out about 2 years ago and it changed my life. Everything. My self perception, my engagement with others, unmasking, reframing my old experiences, deeper understanding and use of accommodations and better supporting myself.

I've gotten every kind of response from people, from 'we're all a bit autistic' and 'why does everyone need a diagnosis or label these days' to speaking to me like a 5 year old mid conversation after finding out. I use responses to study the perception of autism in the world.

Ultimately most people do not understand what it is, so many things they say are from that limited understanding. And the cognitive dissonance is glaring because autism is otherwise presented as the alternative person in every piece of media and people are more likely to praise and accept that but not real autistic people and their difficulties.

Finding out felt like coming home, and curiously, a hive mind that I belong to, or an alien planet we all come from. It was like a tribe I was always looking for but didn't know existed. All along it was me/how I am and it has a label and identity and group of descriptions and experiences that I can relate to and learn from.

I've processed a lot of my autistic journey in writing which you can use the search function to locate on my profile, and more private access in a community is available in a group membership I have posted the link to at the bottom of the comment I posted on YouTube found below.

My YouTube comment:

Let me tell you, there are many of us and we are out there. Been hiding for so long, or just coming out of hibernation, in darkness, dejected or struggling, sharing our gifts freely with the world. We have a sense of justice, a beautiful spirit, we remind people of fairies and yet we have a dark side, a primal side, we walk with the goddess, we make art, music, nourishing foods, knots and spells, and we suffer in silence the bullies and the discrimination, invalidation and misunderstanding. It is multilayered, cultural, genetic, as old as history, history itself in the body, across generations and timelines, worlds upon worlds intertwined and get at once expanded and expanding and contracting on equal measure, some of us dying for air. We are dying for the things our bodies and indeed the entire body of the collective organism consciousness on this planet need, We are the earth and all her creatures. We are the spectrum of the rainbow and beyond. A spectrum is infinite and complete and a question mark all at once. We just do what we want and need and simply, to other humans, we appear strange. People may project onto us labels, assumptions, titles and roles. They may welcome us and adore us, they may shun and abuse us. We are the gentlest creature, misunderstood so often by the world that it traumatised us, caused us to withdraw or rage out, or nourished, supported and encouraged. It is very simply this, autism presents differently females. I realised that I was autistic at the age of 27. The autism spectrum is viewed very stereotypically but the presentation in females is only now being seen in a different light, by the medical community that is whose benchmark was the male and the associated little boy behaviour and body. We are the manic pixie dream girl in movies, the Luna Lovegoods of the world, intense or withdrawn co-worker, the very strange and fringe people in society, the outright stars of the show or centre of attention. We are nobody to most, invisible as autistic to the world, using masking to survive and relate to others, or very visible and local publicly and breaking down privately. Meltdowns. Cacophony of emotions and chaos calmed only by familiarity of routine. Special interests and worlds to escape into and explore, creativity running through our blood. Our senses blunted by necessity in an onslaught of stimuli and demands from the world, or razor sharp and being wielded to present the most beautiful genius expressions of our minds. Look out for the autistic girlfriends of the world, the Luna Lovegoods in real life. Just like Wednesday Adams who captured the heart of the millennials, look out for the girls who are different, misunderstood or mistreated. Would you befriend someone like her in real life? Be honest and educate yourself about the subject so you can begin to recognise it and be there for your friends especially the women who, with access to information on the internet, increased awareness of the subject and many autistic individuals successfully speaking and advocating and writing and publishing their stories are all realising this about themselves. Luna was made fun of regularly, humiliated and shunned. And yet she shone brighter than the sun, the light of the moon was upon her.

This resource changed my life:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/taniaannmarshall.wpcomstaging.com/2013/03/22/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-young-girls-with-asperger-syndrome

Check out my memberships for tips and resources, art and experiences, the first tier being access to this blog which obviously you my followers can freely peruse! You may join my private group membership on the second tier though:

https://www.patreon.com/yasmeensnaturalorder/membership

[acreepywholockian]

I grew up with a special ed teacher as a mom and she knew both she and I had ADHD. I was a pretty typical case and won't get into symptoms now, but I was diagnosed as a kid and read lots of books my mom got on the subject and even knowing that, I grew up thinking I was less-than for being the way I am. I missed some symptoms and thought they were character flaws I had to fix. I didn't know they were symptoms and during this critical time (11-14 years old, about) I wasn't seeing a counselor or anything because I tried it and didn't like it back then. same with medicine at 13- I didn't think it helped so I didn't use it. by high school I knew myself well enough to push myself through classes but knew it was different and harder for me than it was for others. I was told at age 12 when I asked for extra help due to ADHD, "we all have a little ADD, you don't need help. that's just an excuse," so I never brought it up in school again until late college when my counselor actually helped me cope, recommended medicine, and overall acknowledged my experience and suffering. that 50 year old man cried when I talked about some of the things I went through, and the worst things were nonlethal car crashes, so it wasn't some huge terrible abuse, he was just a man who cared about my story and wanted to help me cope and be someone I could rely on.

when I see similar ADHD symptoms in others, I make sure to point them out and say they may want to look into a diagnosis. how do these assholes think that happens? not everyone sees a counselor for unrelated reasons and then the counselor/psychiatrist sees symptoms and diagnosed them. some people want help but don't know where to look. they see the symptoms online and wonder if they have it. it's natural and may lead to self-diagnosis sometimes, but wouldn't it be better if more kids didn't grow up thinking they're failures and are instead just different from the norm, but so similar to a huge group of people?

this just strikes me as "kids can't know they're a different gender at that age! they can't be trans!" like no, they know themselves better than you know them. you may be a mental health professional but you don't intimately know these people as well as they know themselves, so who are you to say their curiosity and opinions aren't valid? to an extent, most ADHD symptoms are just symptoms of being human, but taken to an extreme, which could be why so many people relate when they likely don't have it. but some people watching will see that and think "maybe I do have this; maybe someone can help me with this and I can feel less terrible about myself." why is that so wrong? especially with the prohibitive cost of healthcare in America- who can afford a psych to evaluate them? who can afford one of the 2 autism specialists in your state that can see you, but they're booked for 5 years? is it ok to self diagnose then? why isn't it ok to get resources and help, even if it turns out you were wrong? the studying skills I developed myself without acknowledging my ADHD are still typical ADHD strategies, like body doubling, which I called "study energy" for like 5 years until I learned that term from the internet. no one taught me these strategies so I played to my own strengths to survive and now I'm a tutor so I teach em to kids with or without ADHD, doesn't matter. I've used strategies I looked up to help with dyslexia on kids who I suspected but still don't know of a diagnosis. it's not wrong, this 7 year old didn't look up the symptoms to fake so if give them more attention and resources. do psych majors really think that's more likely than someone thinking about it for years and wondering if maybe they have a disorder and not a character flaw? hearing this shit will just prevent them from seeking care. what assholes

a while ago i attended this lecture on autism. guy in the audience said he had many of the symptoms that were presented and asked what should he do to get treatment and possibly a diagnosis. instead of answering his question the psychologist went on a tangent about how “the clinic reigns all powerful over guesswork”, and how actually it has become a trend amongst little children on the internet to claim that they are autistic for cool points, and that this hurts real autistic people. no she didn’t tell him how to get his symptoms looked into, she just made it very clear that to her, aknowledging your own symptoms is bad and evil and hurts the poor real mentally ill people.

an ex-friend of mine, then a psychology major and by now probably a full psychologist, once lectured me on how horrible and bad it was that i told her “i probably have some sort of neurodivergency”, and that if i were her patient she would never give me a diagnosis because “you aren’t like this now, but i know that if you get a diagnosis you’ll use it as an excuse to start treating people badly. that’s just how mentally ill people are.”

same ex-friend was extremely disgusted when she found out that fans sometimes make neurodivergency headcanons for characters that have the same symptoms as they do, and that authors sometimes write books with neurodivergent protagonists in stories that don’t focus on that (ex: she seemed horrified that percy jackson has adhd?)

multiple psychologists i’ve seen on facebook agree that they should refuse to treat patients that say “i’m here because i have symptoms of a disorder and wonder if i have it”, and that a patient should arrive to a psychologist as a blank slate.

school psychologist asked me how i was feeling about my trauma situation and i told him i thought my friends would leave me. instead of addressing the issue he said that that no i didn’t, that i was lying, that i had searched “bpd symptoms” online and now i was faking symptoms because i wanted to have bpd, that he shouldn’t have told me he suspected i had a personality disorder because now look what was happening. no, i didn’t search bpd symptoms online. yes, my friends left me, it was a completely founded belief and not a symptom, let alone a faked symptom.

so the next time you hear someone saying they’re “anti self-diagnosis” i want you to understand what they’re saying. what they’re saying is:

- i don’t want people to be aware of their own symptoms

- i don’t think my patients should have access to any information that doesn’t come from me

- i don’t think neurodivergent people should learn how to cope with their symptoms and live “normal” lives

- i think neurodivergent people should be denied a diagnosis because the moment they get one they will become evil and dangerous

- i don’t think people who don’t look like a stereotype could possibly be neurodivergent, even if they have all the symptoms, so i think they are faking it for attention and should be denied treatment

[gl00mxstar]

I think I'm getting better now

I don't feel like shit this much right after waking up and when I do sometimes it goes away on it's own a bit quicker

my 'seemingly out of nowhere or from stress and physical activity pains' are less painful that what they used to be in the past few years and even tho I still can't do that much it's way better than I thought I could get

since I both dropped out of high school (and apprenticeship too) and it was literally too late to do anything bc it was almost end of school year I'm not 'obliged' to see people or go to place where stress anxiety and fatigue eat me alive

with 3 above comes better sleep too I can go to sleep and wake up whenever I want without a worry so it helped a lot too I also can sleep less and feel better (I realize how ridicilous it sounds but I always felt like shit when sleeping '8h like a normal person' but when I slept for only few hours I felt really good energetic and refreshed)

I'm more energetic and feel actual motivation to do stuff get better and rather than 'I wanna have bare minimum of living conditions to survive and not go insane' it's 'I wanna make my life better to actually live and enjoy it'

I've managed to take better care of my emotions and even open up more to 'right people' and not bottle them up or turn them into just self depricating jokes like I always did I even vented 2 times (first time 5h and second around 3/3,5h I swear I would have never thought I'll ever do it and for such a long time too I know I def wouldn't manage to when I was younger) also treating tumblr as my personal diary and venting helped too I don't really care if haters or someone I know irl sees my posts if they see this and are gonna have a problem with that it means we just never meant to be friends honestly it's better this way since from that I'm gonna have an easy way of getting to know this

for the one above thank you friends I've made in the past few years also to dca fandom and furry community ya'll have one of the most welcoming people there it's hard to feel uncomfortable and bottle up the emotions around you don't change ever 🫶 (ig it's easy to see someone's struggling when you have first hand experience sobs /hj)

after years of struggling to understand 'what is wrong with me' in everyday life and school I realized I have autism and adhd (thank you reddit tons of articles online and friends with autism 🤝) unfortunately the healthcare sucks where I live especially the mental so I can get a proper diagnosis but I'm 100% sure it's that and knowing what is 'wrong' with me takes away a lot of weight off my shoulders and I finally don't feel bad abt having stuff like sensory issues and problems with understanding certain social norms etc

I learned to go out to buy groceries without being on the brink of a panic attack again so now it's the same as it was when I was younger while I don't like doing it at least I can actually go and buy something

I can now bake again without being reminded of the time I was stuck as an apprentice in horrible work environment were even faint smell of dough or vanilla sugar outside of the workplace were enough to be triggering

I'm finally getting back my 'bad mouth and attitude' as others liked to say when I disagreed with something when they thought they were the smartest person in the room while being wrong so I can now say what I really think and not cry while literally just defending myself and my personal opinions so again going back to how I was when I was younger

I'm a bit less worried abt my cats since the vet clinic was opened in my village (the one where there are actual ppl working here and not just pretending I still don't get it how they were making any money since they weren't open most of the time) and even though I still don't have money for the vet at the very least once I get enough I'll have it close to get them to one

I have way less suicidal thoughts now I hope one day I can get it to 0 or at the very least to 'random thought of remembering the bad past'

I'm trying to speak english outloud to try and learn the right pronunciation (I know what the word is supposed to sound like but I have problems with speaking even in my native language) also I'll try to make phone calls and leave voice messages once I feel more brave to do so I also have in plans trying to read some fics or books to get both my spoken english and reading skills better at the same time since I'm terrible at reading outloud too

I managed to switch from traditional art to digital decently quickly imo and now that I even draw a lot faster than I used to the thought of actually making a living from art seems way less insane now

I've made few good friends both irl and online that I have common interests with and that I'm vibing with hopefully once the weather gets less intense and my health get better and I'll have some money to go out we'll meet

I have one of them keep asking me to go out she's so sweet 😭💕

[drsycz]

30 DAYS OF AUTISM ACCEPTANCE 2023

I was busy and tired as hell for the last week, so I'm postin answers for questions 1-6 all in one post

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

My name is Jarvis, I'm 24 y.o. self-diagnosed autistic person. Also, I'm a trans guy. I'm Belarusian, but currently studying in Poland. I have degree in pharmacy, but my working experience was borderline traumatising, so I hope to switch into biology since animals are my major special interest. In terms of hobbies, I'm mostly into drawing, handmade, and fantasy/sci-fi media, especially Star Wars and Genshin Impact. I also play Ark Survival Evolved time to time, since it's a perfect combo of sci-fi, open world and dinosaurs, and it's all about building your own home and taming creatures. My music taste is mostly not very "hard" subgenres of metal, something like Sabaton or Metallite. Favourite food - probably something from Chinese cuisine, or something with mutton.

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

It's actually a funny story because… It all started with my mother calling my dog autistic as a joke. My doggo is rather shy and reserved, and kind of slow in his reactions, and also don't always understand how to play with other dogs or humans. And he's not even a big calm dog like a newfoundland, he's a pomeranian.

So I noticed that traits that my dog is called "autistic" for are kinda matching some traits I have myself. I've got curious and decided to google it, and ended up in a rabbit hole of self-diagnosis lasting for the las 7 years.

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

Bad… Especially when they give a whole list of instructions right away. I usually get the first instruction, and my mind starts to focus on it too much, thinking about how I would actually do the task. But as the result, I completely miss the rest of instructions because they turn into background noise, and if I try to focus on them too, I completely forget the first one.

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

My mother has always been against me going to a psychologist, even though people around were noticing something and sugested it to her a couple of times. And even if I was sent to a doctor, I doubt that those old brats who stick to USSR medical books would have ever notice something in a girl who's just a little bit weird and was bullied in school for no particular reason. But I was a smart one, so starting with second grade I was studying in a gymnazium (in Belarus we call so more "elite" schools with extended programm, but it's still a state school)

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

Sadly I didn't have accomodations, some teachers were even ignoring the fact that I was one of the most bullied students. Vice versa, they were often calling me out on my behavior, that turned out to be my atism. The only thing that was kinda saving me is that I had good grades and was a very sucsessful participant of biology competitions, so they let slide some things like drawing during classes (my form of stimming at that time). Of course it got worse at university, were I was contantly stressed and didn't have "the one who brings medals to the school" shield anymore. I really wish that my surrounding weren't at least so mean to me, not even speaking about specific accomodations.

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger? Additional question if your hearing is aided: If your hearing is aided, does that trigger sensory overloads sometimes?

Honestly, no. It turns into unidentifiable gibberish almost right away and I need to ask people to stop and repeat the whole thing. And I have always been like that, which honestly was often a source of annoyance to people around me.

[macaronitrash]

i think it’s worth analyzing somerton’s lolcow in comparison to someone like elphaba from tiktok.

[cw: attempted suicide]

it’s important to think about social class, economic status, race, mental health, and more when engaging in public shaming behavior. it needs to be weighed against the “crime” committed. and furthermore, people should consider how long someone should be shamed for.

infamous trans tiktokker elphaba has done some shitty things. shes spread scabies in public locations, auditioned for Autism’s Got Talent despite not having a formal diagnosis (i’m not an expert on her particular situation but it’s very common to not be professionally diagnosed bc cost, availability, etc), faked Tourette’s, and more.

however, most of her online fame revolves around how “gross” she is. and at this point, tiktok is her career. she makes money from playing this caricature online. and sometimes there are heartbreaking moments where she opens up about being stood up for dates and that nobody sees her as a person.

this culminated in her picking up a knife and threatening to slit her own throat on tiktok live. and of course there were commenters urging her to do it.

some are claiming it’s just an act, she was faking for attention, etc, but i don’t believe that for a second.

at the end of the day, elphaba is a trans woman who isn’t conventionally attractive, doesn’t pass too well, likely makes around minimum wage, and whose livelihood relies on being an object of ridicule.

sure, you can call her out when she does something bad. but that doesn’t mean she deserves to be put on blast every time she shows her face. i can’t imagine what her mental health is like. and the fact her “brand” is being a big gross trans woman online can’t be good for her self esteem. i’m not an expert on elphaba lore, but from what i’ve gathered, i genuinely feel horrible for her.

but let’s compare her to james somerton for a second.

james is a cis white male who basically scammed hundreds of thousands of dollars out of his predominantly queer fan base. he stole the words of under appreciated queer writers. he baited his own suicide and posted on his alt while his loved ones didn’t even know if he was alive.

yes, obviously we should still consider his mental health, duration of public shaming, etc, but given he’s still actively doing shitty things AND has enough money to survive without an online following, i think it’s perfectly fine to call him out right now.

we just need to be more aware of who it is we’re dogpiling on.

Following someone you supposedly hate to their alts is so bizarre. This James Somerton stuff feels like Chris-chan but for leftists. Doing lolcow but wokely

[multiverse-of-mischief]

im a little late but i want to do some of these anyway so im going to do some past ones here if you don't mind :) (days 1-5)

1 April:

The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

my name is equinox! i like to play pokemon, write stories and draw :D

i LOVE alice in borderland at the moment, i also like those crappy dating shows like too hot to handle lmao

éclairs are one of the best things ive ever eaten and i think i could eat rice all day i love it so much

i do tend to exaggerate things a lot lol, maybe it's something i picked up from people around me or maybe ive just always enjoyed it i don't really know, i'll try and mark it when i do with '[exaggeration]' :)

2 April:

When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

currently i am in the process of being diagnosed, with an assessment having been done in school (age 16) where i scored very highly, idk what that is but the staff there said it was almost as good as a diagnosis. we started all the referrals and everything when i was about 14. i have a distinct memory of talking with my mum once when i was like 11 and she said "oh yeah we've always thought you were autistic" but she doesn't seem to remember this lol

3 April:

How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

ajshakdhsk pretty bad- i have really bad auditory memory, i usually need to see something written down to remember it unless i focus really hard and repeat it in my head. this is one reason i use subtitles when watching things lol

4 April:

Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

i was homeschooled for most of primary school (roughly ages 2-11), mostly because of my poor physical health (i have arthritis and uveitis with glaucoma, arthritis is in remission now though yay :D ). but i was in regular public school for the entirety of high school, which was quite simply awful. i really wish i could have been in some sort of special ed school or even part of the special ed group there but people didn't notice because of my grades. i had shutdowns every day and couldn't focus half the time in lessons bc of people talking, i couldn't talk most of the time, and that made the existing bullying much worse. but i mean, i survived!

5 April:

Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

short answer: im not sure, but not really

i was allowed earplugs but honestly, i think anyone couldve put some in in teachers wouldn't care, i was also able to use a whiteboard to communicate, but again, really anyone could if they needed or wanted to (and half the teachers weren't aware so they'd move on without seeing what i wrote). so those made my time easier but im not sure if they count as accommodations or not, i was ultimately treated the same as every other student and any leeway i did have was because of my good grades, not because i was struggling (which is like really messed up??)

i don't think im aware enough of the support my school could have offered to say whether or not it would've helped but i definitely needed something. actually, i do think it would've helped; they had a support staff (im not sure what their title is sorry) and i feel that definitely would have helped some of my problems there

[journalofsorts2]

i think that if someone sat me down as a kid, and really explained to me that different and weird doesn't have to mean bad, i think i would hate myself just a little bit less. and i didn't really come from bigoted parents or anything. i mean my dad supports me fully, and although my mom gives off a bit of a homophobic, transphobic vibe, she'll be dead before she admits she doesn't support one of her children in every way possible (she doesn't at all, she just really likes lying to herself). but when i think about it more and more, my dad's not the most open-minded person in the world. a lot of the good parts about myself came from my dad, and i love him y'know, but as i get older i find myself figuring out why these little things about him never sat right with me. and i'm not trying to claim some sort of 'holier-than-thou' sort of stance, i'm flawed in a lot of ways, i know, i try to work on it, but with my dad it's strange. i've viewed him my whole life as this sort of saint. he was always my favorite parent growing up, even before i figured out how horrible the way my mom was treating me. throughout my whole life, my view of my parents has been very black and white. my mom's the bad parent, my dad's the good parent. and it's so easy to view life in black and white, it's so easy to let my dad assume the role of this perfect parent in my brain, it's so easy to let my mom be to blame for everything. and i'm not at all diminishing the effect of what my mom did, i'm not lifting her blame in the slightest, she's still the worst of the worst in my mind, but the pure white that surrounds my dad is starting to shift to grey. i find myself doing a double take at a good chunk of the stuff my dad says these days. and half of it is me overthinking it, i think to much, hell, this blog is more than enough proof of that, but the other half is real genuine cause for concern. and the awful part is i can barely remember any of it, i came up to my room to write this with a specific thing he said in mind, and i can't remember it now. this is the problem with my brain being stuck in survival mode. i've been stuck for a while and it's not healthy and it's effecting everything and most of all it effects my memory. i find myself forgetting a lot of the bad things happening to me (the good things too, but more of the bad things have been lost). but i still remember bits and pieces of the fights that we had when i tried to tell him i think i have adhd. god those nights were awful. and who the fuck knows what would happen if i told him i think im autistic too (i've taken the raads r test, i got a 185, stfu about self-diagnosis). and that's the thing, i think he's been told different is bad and he's just relaying the message on to me. and autism is genetic, mental stuff is usually genetic, and i find myself figuring out that all his quirks, this huge list of things that make him a bit different, they're traits of autism. i'm pretty sure i got it from him. and the one time i tried to bring it up in recent years (delicately to avoid another screaming match), i got hit with a "well everybody's a little autistic", no, no they're not, and i told him that and his response was "well, you know what i mean". and i think this is his justification. if everybody's a little different, then nobody's different, right? and i think if he just accepted the fact that it's okay to be different and it's okay to be weird, that he would've been able to relay that onto me, and i wouldn't of had to spend all these year unlearning that different is bad. and he's told me before that being different isn't bad, but in my many years of life i've come to learn that people have determined that there's a 'good' weird and a 'bad' weird. and autism and adhd and all that jazz got lumped in with the 'bad' weird. because how could people be quirky if there wasn't a 'good' weird? there's the weird that gets people laughing with you and there's the weird that gets people laughing at you. and i just wish i was told earlier that there shouldn't be a difference. idk rant over

[saintautistic]

Family Relationships... Post-Diagnosis

TRIGGER WARNING: Family conflict, self-harm, psych ward

Suffice it to say, my life has changed in the 8-9 months since receiving an unofficial diagnosis.

One of the hardest things has been relating to my family. I'll paint the picture: mother's a PhD, ER Nurse, tough-as-nails, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kinda woman. My dad, not so much, but still a child of the 80's who thinks "kids today" are limp noodles, uncreative, and unprepared and "too soft" for the world they face today. Sound familiar?

My sister is my mother in mini. We just had a conversation today. The same one we always do. Part of me wonders if she parrots what our Ma says or if these are genuinely her thoughts: "You're too obsessive about this autism stuff." "You can admit when you're wrong, y'know." "You're too extreme." "Stop being so angry when people don't know about x, y, z..." "Stop using your autism as a crutch." "Stop making excuses."

God, I hate this.

She's both too emotional and too insensitive. Why can't she just be logical? Why is she so uncaring?

And I'm so angry my veins are burning and I want to cry/scream, punch through a wall. Don't they know I was in a psych ward 8-9 months ago? Are they surprised I'm trying out new things, new ways to support myself, new methods to survive, so I don't go back there again, so I can stay alive?

Why does no one care about this like I do?

Do they actually hate who I really am? They seem to think my being autistic is nothing more than a quirk, at the most an inconvenience and a hurdle to overcome. Not a real, neurological reality that results in disability. "Get over it." "Push through." "Stop making excuses."

Okay. Sure. But where did I end up last time I did that?

In a cell.

My arms covered in vertical scratches, because I learned in anatomy that if you wanted to die, you had to cut along the vein, the artery.

Tracking bracelet on my other wrist.

Terror behind my eyes. Shaking in my entire body, down to my core.

Alone.

Afraid.

Stripped naked for pre-admission inspection.

Given pills. Drugged.

Sure, guys. I'll push through. After all, we know how well that worked for me last time.

[adultingautistic]

Hi! Adult diagnosed with autism just recently and I’m trying to understand more terms used by the community! I have masking, stimming, and samefoods learn but are there other common ones I should know about?

Oh wow!  This is a good idea, a glossary of sorts! 

At first I was like “HOW WILL I EVER THINK OF THEM ALL?? MY MIND HAS GONE TOTALLY BLANK, WHAT’S AN AUTISM???”

But then I realized I already HAVE a pretty extensive list- it’s my tag list for this blog!  So, here ya go, starting with the 3 you listed:

masking

stimming

samefoods / samesong / samemovie

sensory input - the 5 senses, and how they interact with your brain.  When you see/hear/feel/smell/taste something, that is “input” into your brain

Bad Sensory Input / sensory hell - Autistics experience horrific sensory input in a way that allistics just do not, and there are no words to describe it, so we invented our own.  Bad Sensory Input is something that is far, far more horrible than just “unpleasant”.  For example, smelling a dumpster is a bad smell, but smelling mint for me is a Bad Smell, it makes me react very violently and almost puke, and I would much RATHER smell a dumpster than have to smell mint, so for me, mint is a Bad Smell.  

sensory sensitivity - Describes the condition of being affected by Bad Sensory Input

sensory overload - When your 5 senses are receiving too much information for your brain to handle.  Can lead to a meltdown/shutdown

autistic burnout - When you’ve been dealing with overload situations over an extended period of time, and run out of spoons (the energy it takes to do day-to-day things)

spoons - Not strictly an autistic term, but used by the entire disabled community at large.  Wikipedia explains it really well

self diagnosis / self dx - Because of a huge number of difficulties in getting professionally diagnosed, the autistic community accepts and advocates for self-diagnosis, that is, a person saying they are autistic based on their own personal experiences and research, without the diagnosis of a doctor

special interest / spIn (abbreviation, that’s a capital i) - More than “just a hobby”, an intense interest in a particular subject that takes away from learning about other subjects (causing “narrow interests” in the person), because so much time is spent on the special interest.  

hyperfixation / hyperfocus - When you are so engaged in the task you are doing that your brain has no room left to process other stimuli, such as hearing the world around you, realizing you need the bathroom, realizing you’re thirsty, etc

emotional overload - When your emotions become so intense it can send you into meltdown / shutdown

emotional dysregulation / emotional regulation - The inability to “reign in” emotions; having emotions that are much too big for a situation, having emotions that are a huge overreaction to a situation, or also a huge underreaction

auditory processing disorder - A hearing disorder that occurs when there is nothing wrong with the ears, but the brain struggles to interpret sounds.  Greatly affects the ability to understand speech.

echolalia / echologia - Repeating of words or phrases that you’ve heard, for various reasons.  Echolalia is repeating the words out loud, echologia is repeating them only in your mind

face blindness - A deficiency in the ability to recognize/remember faces

executive dysfunction / executive function - Poor executive function causes a person to struggle with planning, organization, remembering to do tasks, etc

propioception - the ability to feel the position of one’s body in relation to itself and the world around it.  Struggling with proprioception causes a person to be “clumsy” or “accident-prone”

meltdown / shutdown - A reaction to sensory or emotional overload.  The brain taking drastic measures to protect itself from more input, as it cannot handle any more.  Meltdowns are outward survival actions such as fight, flight, or hide, including kicking, screaming, or running away.  Shutdowns are internal reactions, where the person no longer responds to outside stimuli.

nonverbal - Nonverbal autistics are people who have very limited speech or are not able to speak

going nonverbal / becoming nonverbal - Many autistics are “partially” verbal, meaning they can speak when not stressed, but if they become overloaded lose their ability to effectively communicate with speech (called ‘going nonverbal’).  Can be a symptom of a meltdown/shutdown.  While I’ve seen this term used in the autistic community, @garbageonionpeople pointed out “I’ve seen a lot of nonverbal autistic ppl say they’d rather if people who are not nonverbal use something like “lose speech” instead of “go nonverbal”, since it gives the word an implication of impermanency”.

nonverbal communication / nonverbal cues - The parts of human communication that are not speaking, such as body language, facial expression, and gestures.  Autistics struggle to both interpret and display these forms of communication.

accommodation / self accommodation - The changing of an environment or behavior to alleviate autistic symptoms so that the autistic person can function in a less stressful way

abelism - Bigotry that stems from the attitude that disabled people are somehow worth less than non-disabled people.  The idea that disabled people are the ones who need to change to fit into an abled world is abelism.

allistic - a non-autistic person.

empathy / hyperempathy /hypoempathy - Empathy is the ability to feel the emotions of others.  Autistics tend to have either high empathy or low empathy, meaning we are either very affected by the emotions of others, or are not affected much at all.  This is not the same as compassion, autistic people with low empathy can still be very compassionate and care very much about others.

So even though this is a pretty good list, I’m sure I still forgot stuff!  If other people want to add stuff I forgot, please do so!  I also realize that these definitions are VERY short.  If you have more questions, search my blog for the tags, as all of these I got from posts I made with much more detailed explanations.  Or of course, search the tumblr tags, or google.