#i can survive on a autism self-diagnosis sure

[vaxyl]

i really hate trying to google things related to my intrusive thoughts but i want to try and understand why i think the things i think, but a lot of the time the results i get are unrelated or i get helplines suggested or i end up being triggered by something

it fucking sucks man

i dont want these thoughts, i dont want to deal with this - im very good at stopping myself from following through and at talking myself down when they get bad, i can recognise when they're getting too much for me and have ways to calm down without help

i just want answers as to why its happening so i can better prepare myself for when it happens and adjust my methods for safely resolving my intrusive thoughts in a more productive manner

i just want to know if my occasional sudden urge to drink is just my intrusive thoughts or if its something more, you know???

i have a family history of alcoholism and almost fell deep into a steady pattern of alcohol abuse myself when i was in college before i realised what i was doing and immediately stopped myself before it became a proper problem

are these urges to drink a symptom of a more serious underlying problem or is it just my brain being a piece of shit to me for no fucking reason

i know intrusive thoughts and alcoholism can go hand in hand, my main concern is am I handling these thoughgs correctly or am i setting myself up for hell down the road?

i haven't drank in months, last i drank was cider at Christmas and i had maybe 2 small cans and that was after having nothing for a whole year

and when i did drink in college it wasn't like i was binge drinking, i had a small sip of whisky maybe twice a day whenever i had to go into college and only on those days

that was more than enough as it was, honestly - it can start with just one sip to manage a headache, then its 2 then its 5 then you lose count

the moment i realised i was starting to try and justify drinking when it really couldn't be justified, and that i was falling into a pattern of harmful behaviour that would only worsen if i continued to ignore it, i immediately got rid of the last of my whisky and have never touched a drop since

i know not everyone can do that, I was incredibly lucky that i realised what i was doing before i couldn't stop myself

but now im worried that i had already done irreparable damage by that point

had i? or is it just my intrusive thoughts making me feel like i need alcohol so everything will be okay?? this bothers me a lot

i wont drink, i can't really rn anyway with the current state of my diabetes, but the urges are getting more and more frequent it feels like

and i am so fucking tired

anything that helps me shut up the urges would help a lot, even if it's just knowledge of what is causing them to start with

if i know what the problem is i can work on a solution

problem is, i dont know what the fucking problem is

the stress this causes does not help suppress the intrusive thoughts, as you can probably imagine, and only makes drinking sound all the more appealing.... the fucking joys

for the record, i am safe and sound tonight im just angry

angry and tired and angry at being tired and tired of being angry and maybe im also feeling a little bit robbed

but I'll be okay, just needed to voice this Bullshit somewhere

the ravens know i cant say any of this to my family lmao

fr tho, any info or advice is appreciated guys 💕

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hey we've been thinking about that "OSDD was a temporary diagnosis" post for a while and. it makes complete sense what you guys said but like. we can't get ANYONE to diagnose us as anything CDD, let alone anything that isn't going to give us the treatment equivalent of slapping a bandaid on a stab wound. Is there like, anywhere we could look further into P-DID/DID research on the subject? We're not comfortable moving off of the self diagnosis of OSDD-1b yet so we wanna be triple sure to get as much information as possible.

Thankies 💕💕💕

- 🐑 & 🌸 of the Constellation Collective

There's places all over to find that info, but I want to encourage you not to overthink it. You can dig deeper, you absolutely should, but the label... it doesn't matter. It's really, truly okay to get this one wrong and switch around between the labels or use them interchangeably. I promise. You don't need to be right, because you're right regardless (unless it's a misdiagnosis, but I'm going to talk about that at the end of this, because it's important).

I am diagnosed OSDD, but I call myself DID. It's easy, I understand that there's not that big of a difference, no one is going to yell at us (me or you) if it turns out that we have the other one. We're not misrepresenting ourselves. If it turns out I would only ever be diagnosed with OSDD, that doesn't mean I was wrong using the DID label, or that I was even mislabelling myself.

Whether you're diagnosed with DID or OSDD largely depends on where you live. I made a post about this a while back but I can't find it. The US is more likely to diagnose OSDD with minor amnesia than the UK. They're more likely to call minor amnesia DID (as they should). It's literally a dice throw, and not that important.

To quote my BFF, Colin Ross,

The dividing line between DID and most cases of dissociative disorder not otherwise specified is arbitrary [or OSDD]. Most cases of DDNOS are partial forms of DID which lack either clear switching of executive control, full amnesia barriers between identity states, or clear differentiation and structure of identity states. They are partial forms of DID with the same patterns of childhood trauma and co-morbidity.

Also this quote.

So on the one hand we have a vast swathe of people who are, or would be, diagnosed with OSDD as opposed to dissociative identity disorder but who show almost all of the symptoms of DID. Many people therefore see DID and OSDD as appearing on a spectrum, and prefer to conflate the two conditions so that DID/OSDD represents a range of dissociative experiences with more or less amnesia and greater or less elaboration and distinctive identity states or parts of the personality.

It is also what happens in practice: very few people would realistically distinguish between DID and OSDD.

And,

Both OSDD and DID are the result of the spontaneous action of the brain in response to trauma. Both contain different self-states, holding shards of memory and ‘unformulated experience’ (Stern, 1997). Both can be helped by similar approaches to therapy which encourage neuronal repair and result in brain growth such as increased hippocampal volume. Above all, all forms of dissociation need to be validated for their unique contribution to survival.

P-DID is a bit of a new one. Here's the ICD link to it, if you want to read more, but it's going to be the same as above. It's really not that important. Its main difference is that the system doesn't really switch, it's mostly intrusion (like feelings bleeding between alters and host).

These are really only useful for describing how your system generally functions.

Finally, misdiagnosis.

It's okay to be wrong completely. Maybe it's just BPD or OCD, autism, any of the number of disorders that come with identity confusion.

When someone self DX something like BPD and they finally get to therapy and find out it's literally ANYTHING else, we celebrate with them. Good job, you found answers! You're on the right path! You can get the right kind of help now. You did what you had to do in order to get by, and you did your best to try to understand yourself with the tools you had. The use of the first label wasn't malicious, you didn't hurt anyone by using it, and you probably got yourself pretty knowledgeable on the topic.

You are now a resource for those who are also trying to figure themselves out.

Who knows better what the difference between BPD and OSDD is than someone who tried out both and found the answer?

Being wrong doesn't mean you're bad, I don't know why we don't celebrate a misdiagnosis of DID like we do some others. We're all just trying to understand ourselves, and sometimes we're wrong. The point is that eventually we figure it out, and the journey there... recognizing a misdiagnosis is a GOOD part of your story, and it's an important story to share. You were still struggling, regardless of what label you used and what you're being diagnosed with.

Use the label that feels right to you. If you want to keep using OSDD, that's fine. You're describing how your system works right now, and that's perfect. Using DID or OSDD, you'll end up in the same place regardless-- hopefully this means with a good therapist who's going to take your symptoms seriously, but you're going to end up in that same chair no matter what label you're using.

I really hope this helped.

Also, I didn't really touch on it, but I'm sorry you're struggling to get a diagnosis. That must be incredibly frustrating. Don't give up. Unfortunately, the average is about 5 years for most. Keep advocating for yourself.

[whimsyduck]

learning about your hypermobility as an adult as frustrating as being diagnosed as audhd as an adult also.

at least i can blame the patriarchy on my late autism diagnosis. I have had doctors tell me I cant be autistic because I'm a woman. that I am far to intelligent to be hyperactive. it's not my fault I sometimes have a photographic memory and can ace exams like what about how I never did my homework and my friends would snapchat me every morning to make sure I remembered my school supplies and my textbooks and keys. I literally only survived adolescence due my great memory and my friends willing to parent me. my single mom was working dawn to dusk. my teachers didn't care as long as I aced my exams. they never said anything when I would skip classes to meltdown in the toilets. how the school councillor knew I was struggling but as he had no proper training, said I was only emotional because of my hormones. he literally let me use his office as a crying room multiple times a week but never once questioned I might need to checked psychologically.

how about when I took a darn ton of pills one day but regretted a half hour later so I rushed to him. I was crying too hard and he couldn't understand so he told me to come back when I could tell him what was wrong and that he was busy and not my father??

how about how my brother caught me cutting and gave me a disgusted look and never told anyone?

how my grandfather told me I was overreacting and nothing was wrong in my life so I trauma dumped about a SA I experienced as a kid so he would believe me that I wasnt overreacting? only to be hospitalised and medicated with lithium and loxapine?

sure the psych ward cured my suicidal tendencies, self harm and substance abuse but when I tried to bring up potentially getting diagnosed with ADHD or ASD they told me I was a woman so it was unlikely. Or how I was an adult so they would have diagnosed me as a child if it were really true.

Ugh.

Leaving the hospital was the best thing I ever did. Sure they kicked me out due to COVID and how I didn't have insurance anymore but I got off the sedatives and found someone to diagnose me with ADHD. She diagnosed within an hour of meeting me. I asked about autism, she again said I was a woman and too old. I let it go.

Concerta changed my life. I was functioning for the first time in my life. It was like growing up in a room full of Chainsmokers and being teleported to a human free mountain. I could finally breathe.

My psychiatrist then retired to stay with her kids. She was giving therapy free as I had no insurance and pitied me.

I spiraled.

I got better using CBT textbooks.

I used GOV.uk to learn the important things adults should know. I googled and I learned and it was like I was finally aging. Like I had been trapped at 9 years old. Trapped as the little girl my step dad SAed. But finally I was maturing emotionally. I was no longer hiding in sedatives. Substances. Alcohol. Sex with men I'm not attracted to, only to get high off their validation. I was me.

I realised who I actually was. No more pretending. No masking.

And all of a sudden, everyone is asking me if I'm autistic and not in an insulting way. (I asked hehe.) They're telling me to get tested. I'm using guides for autistic women and they're working. I'm embracing my true self. I'm realising I'm a lesbian who no longer needed the patriarchal validation of men. (technically Im still attracted to fictional characters but tbh they're so much hotter when you pretend theyre masc lesbians like niklaus as a viking goddess omg)

I accept that I am probably autistic. my self love improves.

I discover that no one else gets pains worse than muscle cramps in their hands when writing...

WHAT!?

no one else gets pain in their hands so bad they literally can't move their fingers? I always assumed my fingers pains were because i didn't write enough like my finger muscles were atrophied and needed to be exercised. NOPE

i have had to literally take five minute breaks in my exams because my fingers are cramping like your legs would after a marathon. I assumed I was a wimp. NOPE.

I learn about hypermobility and its correlation to audhd. everything fits. I stop doing yoga to cure my back pain. I change my writing style.

HOW MANY THINGS THAT WERE WRONG WITH ME COULD HAVE BEEN FIXED IF SOMEONE CARED ENOUGH TO PAY ATTENTION!??

WHY AM I WAITING UNTIL ADULTHOOD TO LEARN HUMAN SOCIAL RULES

WHY ISNT THERE A BOOK TO EXPLAIN ADULTHOOD AND HUMAN NEEDS AND KNOWLEDGE?

I cant ask my dad. hes a cloud of dust smelling faintly of cocaine. my brother is an incel. my mum is a kicked puppy who never learned how to live without male validation. i love them all but they aren't exactly the most psychologically stable. It's like they use me as an excuse as to why they don't need psychiatric treatment. They say they're not suicidal and suddenly that means they're fine?

ugh

TLDR: it's frustrating to see how society has failed me and now it's up to me as an adult to learn how to be human

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hiii

(This's mostly venting sorry, you don't have to answer this)

I have been reading a lot about autism/adhd and I noticed that I have a lot of characteristics (? that are similar with autism.... if I'm correct, a lot of things will have sense (this is a relief but also makes me afraid)

Some days I'm so sure that I'm autistic, like yeah, but others I tell myself "this doesn't make sense" (maybe I'm gaslighting myself?)

(Your blog have helped me a lot, thank you 🩷)

Hi there,

You could be dealing with something called Imposter syndrome. This makes you think that your characteristics aren’t legitimate. I found an article explaining it in more detail (this excerpt is going to be a bit long, so I apologize in advance:

Many of us who are autistic have had that sinking feeling that we may have been faking autism in some way, misappropriating a diagnosis that we do not deserve or fearing we have been misdiagnosed. Many of us feel we do not deserve the successes we have had. Could this be a case of imposter syndrome?

Impostor syndrome is the belief that one’s success is illegitimate and not deserved. Imposter syndrome was first identified by Dr. Pauline Rose Clance who observed that impostor syndrome is universal across all genders, cultures, and people, and is shared amongst the neurotypical and neurodivergent as well. 

Interestingly, impostor syndrome appears to be more prevalent with disadvantaged persons (Brevata et al., 2020). Imposter syndrome tends to affect academically minded people most. Because autism is considered a disability, this puts autistic individuals at higher risk of disadvantage and therefore, they may be at greater risk of experiencing imposter syndrome. Conversely, it does not appear to be tied to self-esteem, depression, or anxiety.

Imposter syndrome can also be applied to autism itself. I believe many of us who continue to mask (conform to expectations) do so because it has served us throughout our lives in different situations and has been a tool we have used to get things done and survive. 

For many, masking works well in certain situations, and even though it can be exhausting and result in long recovery times, it can still become our way of life. For some, it is the only way others know us. This is one reason it is so difficult for people to grasp the idea of someone being autistic whom they have known their entire lives. “But you never acted autistic when you were younger!” 

When you begin to drop the mask and behave more like yourself, others may find it difficult because your masked behaviors may have played a vital role in their life. Your growth and changes may mean they are left with voids in their lives that they do not know how to deal with. 

I hope you found this helpful. I left the full article so you can read more if you’d like. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[drdemonprince]

I have read your article about the pros and cons of Seeking an Autism Diagnosis. I think it makes some very good points. I would like to add my own point of view. At the beginning, it will sound like a far stretch to autism but hear me out :)

I am a transgender woman and my egg cracked right in the middle of the pandemic, a few months after my first, but quite traumatic, ulcerative colitis flare. After many years of overworking myself and drinking way too much on the week-ends, I just reached a point where my body told me “this has to stop”, I felt completely powerless and desperate. I had to implement self-care in my life, it was a matter of survival. The tricky part is that I have been hating myself and pretending to know who I was for so long. My whole life was about alienation. Worse, now I could not use the crutches I was used to. To move on with the transition I had to dig deep down within myself and it was scary and confusing and complicated. I did not feel I was trans enough to transition and I did not feel like talking with “regular” therapists was  helping, I felt misunderstood. At the same time, my gf and I spoke a lot, we knew I had some autistic traits but were never sure. I thought I was not autistic enough to search for a diagnosis. I got even more confused the day I learnt a lot of people on the autism spectrum are also trans or non-binary. 

I was paralyzed by wanting to transition but hating change but at the same time really wanting to have the benefits from HRT and surgeries. I was just going deeper into depression and not taking care of myself. I then thought looking for a formal autism diagnosis would maybe help me with the transition. If I was autistic, it would mean it was valid enough to transition. At this point, you will probably tell me “and you got yet another crutch”. But I can reply: maybe not, if you hear the rest of the story ? 

A week after having the diagnosis, I felt relieved and decided to call my parents to talk about it. I figured talking about my autism would be a good rehearsal for my coming out. The discussion went very bad. My mother especially was very defensive. I ended up crying. I cut all communication with them, I needed time to think. I ended up realizing I had seen how my parents really are as persons. And it was the most freeing moment I had in my life. I started to understand all the BS and the power they had over me, even by appearing as nice and caring. This experience enabled me to move on with my transition and un-shackle myself. It was a rough time but I finally can start to heal. I started HRT 4 months ago, bought feminine clothes last week and I am going at my own pace. I now know I can do it, it just started to click after that discussion. I know I will never use my diagnosis for anything else and at the time I decided I needed it was for completely different reasons, but now I really know why it was useful.

Thank you for reading me, feel free to give me your perspective on that. I just wanted to say people search for a diagnosis for many different reasons.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I guess my question would be, if you were in a country where it was necessary to get a gender identity disorder diagnosis in order to transition, would going out and getting that diagnosis have also given you the same kind of relief?

it kinda sounds to me like you took kind of a circuitous route to finding some credentialed authority who would sign off on your self identity in one fashion, so that you could feel okay about having the right to define yourself at all in any fashion. and i think you can be freer than that and deserve to be.

but like im glad it worked out! im glad you got the external permission that made you feel okay giving yourself the permission to do what you had already wanted. i hope you (and all of us) can get to the point where just wanting to do something is enough reason to do it.

i had to take a very complicated and indirect route to giving myself permission to be trans as well, of a different sort. so i do remember what those doubts were like and how impossible they are to intellectually argue away. shoutout to A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett and shit ton of high intensity erotic hypnosis for getting me past the point of intellect and into the realm of intuitively feeling what i had known all along

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hi Rachel,

In some of my writing I’m beginning to notice more and more that certain characters (not all) remind me of myself lol. And I hate it, I go back and rewrite them. But I’m interested if you relate to any of your characters as well so—Out of the characters you’ve written (Lonan, Reeve, Harrison, etc..) who do you think is the most like you? And what’s your take on writers seeing themselves in some of their characters?

feel about seeing reflections

Hahaha I used to HATE writing characters that were like me, and it took a while to realize that actually, they ALL are me in some iteration. To answer your question about writers seeing themselves in their characters—if writing characters that are “self-inserts” makes you joyful, DO IT!!! If writing characters who aren’t self-inserts but have attributes to you makes you joyful, DO IT! Or if you’re not into it—that’s fine too! Life is too short! Have fun with what works for you!

My experience below, this gets kind of intense as a warning! CW: suicidal ideation, disocciation

Aligning myself with my characters has been an intensely life-saving experience. I’m not sure I’d be here if it were not for Lonan… 16-year-old Rachel WAS him, and also needed him because literally nobody else “understood” where I was at except for him (undiagnosed autism for BOTH OF US??).

There was a time of my life where I couldn’t emotionally regulate at all, and in moments of stress, would often dissociate and quite literally converse with this man (looking back now, this was just a coping mechanism—confirmed by my doctor btw!—but for a couple years he was a genuine part of my psyche, like moved out of just character territory). I think I talked about this years ago, but I have a really distinct memory of disconnecting so much I quite literally thought he was THERE next to me, which I needed—he really became an externalization of the things I couldn’t deal with (or didn’t understand how to deal with). I needed to see myself reflected in the eye of someone else and for a really long time that was Lonan for me. Actually screaming crying that’s so cute.

And Lonan is similar to me in a lot of ways! This is a side tangent but when I was first diagnosed as autistic it made me wonder if I’d inadvertently written any autistic characters & it struck me way back then that the person most similar to me (Lonan lol) is probably also autistic. I was like—sensory issues?? No emotional regulation?? Speaks a bit oddly?? We are THE SAME. Haven’t really confirmed this in canon lol but I’ve been thinking about it since 2021.

Funnily, now that I have that diagnosis, my life is a lot more stable so like… I’m not currently the most like Lonan lol. But me at 16-19??? Absolutely him.

Unfortunately, I am currently HARRISON, which isn’t ideal but just like he’s a 21-year-old experiencing horrors I’m a 21-year-old experiencing horrors (which is why BB is sometimes painful to write cuz I’m like oooooh I’m feeling this… too much). To be fair, I’ve always said I’m the introverted version of Harrison (because I am lol our personality types are the same, not that I believe in those but since I was like 13 I’ve said this). But just like Lonan, Harrison has helped me now process some tough things this year that I’m not sure how else I would’ve survived. It’s important to me that I have fictional vessels to explore my own life with because it can help me identify problems & then learn to empathize with myself by empathizing with a character first.

Of course they’re also separate from me—they absolutely didn’t start as ME but as time goes on I start seeing myself in them particularly (Reeve sometimes too—our kindred spirits with processing toxic relationships <3). Maybe it’s because I am autistic, but I find it useful to understand my experiences via someone else. I love seeing the ways we can inform each other.

My TL;DR is I’m Harrison if he was Lonan so I guess I’m BB Harrison. Love this for me so much. But also add autism. Which is probably already there because: Lonan. LMAO and a dash of Reeve’s compartmentalization skills. And we have me!

[lumiereandcogsworth]

Autism ask meme: 5, 34, 38

5. what do you wish more people knew about autism? that it’s not just a little white boy sitting in the corner with headphones and can count all the toothpicks on the floor without looking. sure those people exist but autism is A SPECTRUM for a reason! not everyone is “a little autistic” - you are or you aren’t! but autistic people don’t all look the same because our traits present differently, those of us on the autistic spectrum make up the spectrum itself. - also self-diagnosis/identifying is just as valid as formal diagnosis. getting a formal diagnosis is expensive and difficult and wholly inaccessible for a LOT of people. it’s just not feasible for every autistic person to actually manage to Get a formal diagnosis. so until that’s an actual reality, where things are fair and ALL doctors are fully up to date in research and understanding (which, they aren’t), no one has the right to gatekeep autism. we know ourselves better than anyone. autism isn’t a cute trend, it’s a disability that SUCKS a lot of the time. i wouldn’t trade my brain for anything and i wouldn’t change how intensely i love things and feel in general, some days i really love being autistic, but other days i absolutely wish i wasn’t, because the world wasn’t built for me and it would be easier if i could survive it like neurotypical people do. anyway, TL;DR it’s a lot more complicated than rain man and sheldon big bang theory.

34. do you enjoy hugs? or are they sensory hell? i love hugs actually!! physical touch is my love language and it’s very much a sensory seeking for me. i don’t love hugs from Strangers, though. but that’s not a sensory issue that’s a social anxiety, “i have a very small inner circle and you are not a part of it” issue. but my friends and family? my inner circle people? HUGGIES!!!! just the other day i was with two of my besties and we were all snuggled in bed watching a video together. 10/10 evening

38. how good are you at detecting sarcasm? i’m honestly still sort of trying to determine this myself, as i socially unmask a bit more. the thing is, in my social masking, i’ve really learned and studied phrases that people say, the general dialogue of a chit-chat nonsense conversation. “small talk.” i’ve mastered that in a way where i could have the most shallow conversation with someone and i’m pretty sure they wouldn’t think anything of it. i mean, i didn’t even think anything of it until about a year ago. but anyway, i think i can pick up sarcasm fairly well. it’s tones i struggle with more. like i can get a sarcastic joke most of the time, but i think if you’re just straight up telling me to do something without actually saying it “the kitchen is a mess!” (apparently means i’m supposed to do the dishes?) that’s harder for me. i don’t know if that’s sarcasm too though ?? idk. still studying that myself!

[grongleboy]

i think it’s worth analyzing somerton’s lolcow in comparison to someone like elphaba from tiktok.

[cw: attempted suicide]

it’s important to think about social class, economic status, race, mental health, and more when engaging in public shaming behavior. it needs to be weighed against the “crime” committed. and furthermore, people should consider how long someone should be shamed for.

infamous trans tiktokker elphaba has done some shitty things. shes spread scabies in public locations, auditioned for Autism’s Got Talent despite not having a formal diagnosis (i’m not an expert on her particular situation but it’s very common to not be professionally diagnosed bc cost, availability, etc), faked Tourette’s, and more.

however, most of her online fame revolves around how “gross” she is. and at this point, tiktok is her career. she makes money from playing this caricature online. and sometimes there are heartbreaking moments where she opens up about being stood up for dates and that nobody sees her as a person.

this culminated in her picking up a knife and threatening to slit her own throat on tiktok live. and of course there were commenters urging her to do it.

some are claiming it’s just an act, she was faking for attention, etc, but i don’t believe that for a second.

at the end of the day, elphaba is a trans woman who isn’t conventionally attractive, doesn’t pass too well, likely makes around minimum wage, and whose livelihood relies on being an object of ridicule.

sure, you can call her out when she does something bad. but that doesn’t mean she deserves to be put on blast every time she shows her face. i can’t imagine what her mental health is like. and the fact her “brand” is being a big gross trans woman online can’t be good for her self esteem. i’m not an expert on elphaba lore, but from what i’ve gathered, i genuinely feel horrible for her.

but let’s compare her to james somerton for a second.

james is a cis white male who basically scammed hundreds of thousands of dollars out of his predominantly queer fan base. he stole the words of under appreciated queer writers. he baited his own suicide and posted on his alt while his loved ones didn’t even know if he was alive.

yes, obviously we should still consider his mental health, duration of public shaming, etc, but given he’s still actively doing shitty things AND has enough money to survive without an online following, i think it’s perfectly fine to call him out right now.

we just need to be more aware of who it is we’re dogpiling on.

Following someone you supposedly hate to their alts is so bizarre. This James Somerton stuff feels like Chris-chan but for leftists. Doing lolcow but wokely

[gl00mxstar]

I think I'm getting better now

I don't feel like shit this much right after waking up and when I do sometimes it goes away on it's own a bit quicker

my 'seemingly out of nowhere or from stress and physical activity pains' are less painful that what they used to be in the past few years and even tho I still can't do that much it's way better than I thought I could get

since I both dropped out of high school (and apprenticeship too) and it was literally too late to do anything bc it was almost end of school year I'm not 'obliged' to see people or go to place where stress anxiety and fatigue eat me alive

with 3 above comes better sleep too I can go to sleep and wake up whenever I want without a worry so it helped a lot too I also can sleep less and feel better (I realize how ridicilous it sounds but I always felt like shit when sleeping '8h like a normal person' but when I slept for only few hours I felt really good energetic and refreshed)

I'm more energetic and feel actual motivation to do stuff get better and rather than 'I wanna have bare minimum of living conditions to survive and not go insane' it's 'I wanna make my life better to actually live and enjoy it'

I've managed to take better care of my emotions and even open up more to 'right people' and not bottle them up or turn them into just self depricating jokes like I always did I even vented 2 times (first time 5h and second around 3/3,5h I swear I would have never thought I'll ever do it and for such a long time too I know I def wouldn't manage to when I was younger) also treating tumblr as my personal diary and venting helped too I don't really care if haters or someone I know irl sees my posts if they see this and are gonna have a problem with that it means we just never meant to be friends honestly it's better this way since from that I'm gonna have an easy way of getting to know this

for the one above thank you friends I've made in the past few years also to dca fandom and furry community ya'll have one of the most welcoming people there it's hard to feel uncomfortable and bottle up the emotions around you don't change ever 🫶 (ig it's easy to see someone's struggling when you have first hand experience sobs /hj)

after years of struggling to understand 'what is wrong with me' in everyday life and school I realized I have autism and adhd (thank you reddit tons of articles online and friends with autism 🤝) unfortunately the healthcare sucks where I live especially the mental so I can get a proper diagnosis but I'm 100% sure it's that and knowing what is 'wrong' with me takes away a lot of weight off my shoulders and I finally don't feel bad abt having stuff like sensory issues and problems with understanding certain social norms etc

I learned to go out to buy groceries without being on the brink of a panic attack again so now it's the same as it was when I was younger while I don't like doing it at least I can actually go and buy something

I can now bake again without being reminded of the time I was stuck as an apprentice in horrible work environment were even faint smell of dough or vanilla sugar outside of the workplace were enough to be triggering

I'm finally getting back my 'bad mouth and attitude' as others liked to say when I disagreed with something when they thought they were the smartest person in the room while being wrong so I can now say what I really think and not cry while literally just defending myself and my personal opinions so again going back to how I was when I was younger

I'm a bit less worried abt my cats since the vet clinic was opened in my village (the one where there are actual ppl working here and not just pretending I still don't get it how they were making any money since they weren't open most of the time) and even though I still don't have money for the vet at the very least once I get enough I'll have it close to get them to one

I have way less suicidal thoughts now I hope one day I can get it to 0 or at the very least to 'random thought of remembering the bad past'

I'm trying to speak english outloud to try and learn the right pronunciation (I know what the word is supposed to sound like but I have problems with speaking even in my native language) also I'll try to make phone calls and leave voice messages once I feel more brave to do so I also have in plans trying to read some fics or books to get both my spoken english and reading skills better at the same time since I'm terrible at reading outloud too

I managed to switch from traditional art to digital decently quickly imo and now that I even draw a lot faster than I used to the thought of actually making a living from art seems way less insane now

I've made few good friends both irl and online that I have common interests with and that I'm vibing with hopefully once the weather gets less intense and my health get better and I'll have some money to go out we'll meet

I have one of them keep asking me to go out she's so sweet 😭💕

[drsycz]

30 DAYS OF AUTISM ACCEPTANCE 2023

I was busy and tired as hell for the last week, so I'm postin answers for questions 1-6 all in one post

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

My name is Jarvis, I'm 24 y.o. self-diagnosed autistic person. Also, I'm a trans guy. I'm Belarusian, but currently studying in Poland. I have degree in pharmacy, but my working experience was borderline traumatising, so I hope to switch into biology since animals are my major special interest. In terms of hobbies, I'm mostly into drawing, handmade, and fantasy/sci-fi media, especially Star Wars and Genshin Impact. I also play Ark Survival Evolved time to time, since it's a perfect combo of sci-fi, open world and dinosaurs, and it's all about building your own home and taming creatures. My music taste is mostly not very "hard" subgenres of metal, something like Sabaton or Metallite. Favourite food - probably something from Chinese cuisine, or something with mutton.

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

It's actually a funny story because… It all started with my mother calling my dog autistic as a joke. My doggo is rather shy and reserved, and kind of slow in his reactions, and also don't always understand how to play with other dogs or humans. And he's not even a big calm dog like a newfoundland, he's a pomeranian.

So I noticed that traits that my dog is called "autistic" for are kinda matching some traits I have myself. I've got curious and decided to google it, and ended up in a rabbit hole of self-diagnosis lasting for the las 7 years.

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

Bad… Especially when they give a whole list of instructions right away. I usually get the first instruction, and my mind starts to focus on it too much, thinking about how I would actually do the task. But as the result, I completely miss the rest of instructions because they turn into background noise, and if I try to focus on them too, I completely forget the first one.

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

My mother has always been against me going to a psychologist, even though people around were noticing something and sugested it to her a couple of times. And even if I was sent to a doctor, I doubt that those old brats who stick to USSR medical books would have ever notice something in a girl who's just a little bit weird and was bullied in school for no particular reason. But I was a smart one, so starting with second grade I was studying in a gymnazium (in Belarus we call so more "elite" schools with extended programm, but it's still a state school)

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

Sadly I didn't have accomodations, some teachers were even ignoring the fact that I was one of the most bullied students. Vice versa, they were often calling me out on my behavior, that turned out to be my atism. The only thing that was kinda saving me is that I had good grades and was a very sucsessful participant of biology competitions, so they let slide some things like drawing during classes (my form of stimming at that time). Of course it got worse at university, were I was contantly stressed and didn't have "the one who brings medals to the school" shield anymore. I really wish that my surrounding weren't at least so mean to me, not even speaking about specific accomodations.

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger? Additional question if your hearing is aided: If your hearing is aided, does that trigger sensory overloads sometimes?

Honestly, no. It turns into unidentifiable gibberish almost right away and I need to ask people to stop and repeat the whole thing. And I have always been like that, which honestly was often a source of annoyance to people around me.

[multiverse-of-mischief]

im a little late but i want to do some of these anyway so im going to do some past ones here if you don't mind :) (days 1-5)

1 April:

The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

my name is equinox! i like to play pokemon, write stories and draw :D

i LOVE alice in borderland at the moment, i also like those crappy dating shows like too hot to handle lmao

éclairs are one of the best things ive ever eaten and i think i could eat rice all day i love it so much

i do tend to exaggerate things a lot lol, maybe it's something i picked up from people around me or maybe ive just always enjoyed it i don't really know, i'll try and mark it when i do with '[exaggeration]' :)

2 April:

When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

currently i am in the process of being diagnosed, with an assessment having been done in school (age 16) where i scored very highly, idk what that is but the staff there said it was almost as good as a diagnosis. we started all the referrals and everything when i was about 14. i have a distinct memory of talking with my mum once when i was like 11 and she said "oh yeah we've always thought you were autistic" but she doesn't seem to remember this lol

3 April:

How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

ajshakdhsk pretty bad- i have really bad auditory memory, i usually need to see something written down to remember it unless i focus really hard and repeat it in my head. this is one reason i use subtitles when watching things lol

4 April:

Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

i was homeschooled for most of primary school (roughly ages 2-11), mostly because of my poor physical health (i have arthritis and uveitis with glaucoma, arthritis is in remission now though yay :D ). but i was in regular public school for the entirety of high school, which was quite simply awful. i really wish i could have been in some sort of special ed school or even part of the special ed group there but people didn't notice because of my grades. i had shutdowns every day and couldn't focus half the time in lessons bc of people talking, i couldn't talk most of the time, and that made the existing bullying much worse. but i mean, i survived!

5 April:

Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

short answer: im not sure, but not really

i was allowed earplugs but honestly, i think anyone couldve put some in in teachers wouldn't care, i was also able to use a whiteboard to communicate, but again, really anyone could if they needed or wanted to (and half the teachers weren't aware so they'd move on without seeing what i wrote). so those made my time easier but im not sure if they count as accommodations or not, i was ultimately treated the same as every other student and any leeway i did have was because of my good grades, not because i was struggling (which is like really messed up??)

i don't think im aware enough of the support my school could have offered to say whether or not it would've helped but i definitely needed something. actually, i do think it would've helped; they had a support staff (im not sure what their title is sorry) and i feel that definitely would have helped some of my problems there

[darkobssessions]

I just finished posting something on a youtube video of Aurora called 'Aurora being hilariously out of context for 6 minutes straight ' who I am sure is autistic but the world views as 'quirky' as with many other autistics, especially women.

I found out about 2 years ago and it changed my life. Everything. My self perception, my engagement with others, unmasking, reframing my old experiences, deeper understanding and use of accommodations and better supporting myself.

I've gotten every kind of response from people, from 'we're all a bit autistic' and 'why does everyone need a diagnosis or label these days' to speaking to me like a 5 year old mid conversation after finding out. I use responses to study the perception of autism in the world.

Ultimately most people do not understand what it is, so many things they say are from that limited understanding. And the cognitive dissonance is glaring because autism is otherwise presented as the alternative person in every piece of media and people are more likely to praise and accept that but not real autistic people and their difficulties.

Finding out felt like coming home, and curiously, a hive mind that I belong to, or an alien planet we all come from. It was like a tribe I was always looking for but didn't know existed. All along it was me/how I am and it has a label and identity and group of descriptions and experiences that I can relate to and learn from.

I've processed a lot of my autistic journey in writing which you can use the search function to locate on my profile, and more private access in a community is available in a group membership I have posted the link to at the bottom of the comment I posted on YouTube found below.

My YouTube comment:

Let me tell you, there are many of us and we are out there. Been hiding for so long, or just coming out of hibernation, in darkness, dejected or struggling, sharing our gifts freely with the world. We have a sense of justice, a beautiful spirit, we remind people of fairies and yet we have a dark side, a primal side, we walk with the goddess, we make art, music, nourishing foods, knots and spells, and we suffer in silence the bullies and the discrimination, invalidation and misunderstanding. It is multilayered, cultural, genetic, as old as history, history itself in the body, across generations and timelines, worlds upon worlds intertwined and get at once expanded and expanding and contracting on equal measure, some of us dying for air. We are dying for the things our bodies and indeed the entire body of the collective organism consciousness on this planet need, We are the earth and all her creatures. We are the spectrum of the rainbow and beyond. A spectrum is infinite and complete and a question mark all at once. We just do what we want and need and simply, to other humans, we appear strange. People may project onto us labels, assumptions, titles and roles. They may welcome us and adore us, they may shun and abuse us. We are the gentlest creature, misunderstood so often by the world that it traumatised us, caused us to withdraw or rage out, or nourished, supported and encouraged. It is very simply this, autism presents differently females. I realised that I was autistic at the age of 27. The autism spectrum is viewed very stereotypically but the presentation in females is only now being seen in a different light, by the medical community that is whose benchmark was the male and the associated little boy behaviour and body. We are the manic pixie dream girl in movies, the Luna Lovegoods of the world, intense or withdrawn co-worker, the very strange and fringe people in society, the outright stars of the show or centre of attention. We are nobody to most, invisible as autistic to the world, using masking to survive and relate to others, or very visible and local publicly and breaking down privately. Meltdowns. Cacophony of emotions and chaos calmed only by familiarity of routine. Special interests and worlds to escape into and explore, creativity running through our blood. Our senses blunted by necessity in an onslaught of stimuli and demands from the world, or razor sharp and being wielded to present the most beautiful genius expressions of our minds. Look out for the autistic girlfriends of the world, the Luna Lovegoods in real life. Just like Wednesday Adams who captured the heart of the millennials, look out for the girls who are different, misunderstood or mistreated. Would you befriend someone like her in real life? Be honest and educate yourself about the subject so you can begin to recognise it and be there for your friends especially the women who, with access to information on the internet, increased awareness of the subject and many autistic individuals successfully speaking and advocating and writing and publishing their stories are all realising this about themselves. Luna was made fun of regularly, humiliated and shunned. And yet she shone brighter than the sun, the light of the moon was upon her.

This resource changed my life:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/taniaannmarshall.wpcomstaging.com/2013/03/22/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-young-girls-with-asperger-syndrome

Check out my memberships for tips and resources, art and experiences, the first tier being access to this blog which obviously you my followers can freely peruse! You may join my private group membership on the second tier though:

https://www.patreon.com/yasmeensnaturalorder/membership

[saintautistic]

Family Relationships... Post-Diagnosis

TRIGGER WARNING: Family conflict, self-harm, psych ward

Suffice it to say, my life has changed in the 8-9 months since receiving an unofficial diagnosis.

One of the hardest things has been relating to my family. I'll paint the picture: mother's a PhD, ER Nurse, tough-as-nails, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kinda woman. My dad, not so much, but still a child of the 80's who thinks "kids today" are limp noodles, uncreative, and unprepared and "too soft" for the world they face today. Sound familiar?

My sister is my mother in mini. We just had a conversation today. The same one we always do. Part of me wonders if she parrots what our Ma says or if these are genuinely her thoughts: "You're too obsessive about this autism stuff." "You can admit when you're wrong, y'know." "You're too extreme." "Stop being so angry when people don't know about x, y, z..." "Stop using your autism as a crutch." "Stop making excuses."

God, I hate this.

She's both too emotional and too insensitive. Why can't she just be logical? Why is she so uncaring?

And I'm so angry my veins are burning and I want to cry/scream, punch through a wall. Don't they know I was in a psych ward 8-9 months ago? Are they surprised I'm trying out new things, new ways to support myself, new methods to survive, so I don't go back there again, so I can stay alive?

Why does no one care about this like I do?

Do they actually hate who I really am? They seem to think my being autistic is nothing more than a quirk, at the most an inconvenience and a hurdle to overcome. Not a real, neurological reality that results in disability. "Get over it." "Push through." "Stop making excuses."

Okay. Sure. But where did I end up last time I did that?

In a cell.

My arms covered in vertical scratches, because I learned in anatomy that if you wanted to die, you had to cut along the vein, the artery.

Tracking bracelet on my other wrist.

Terror behind my eyes. Shaking in my entire body, down to my core.

Alone.

Afraid.

Stripped naked for pre-admission inspection.

Given pills. Drugged.

Sure, guys. I'll push through. After all, we know how well that worked for me last time.

[adultingautistic]

Hi! Adult diagnosed with autism just recently and I’m trying to understand more terms used by the community! I have masking, stimming, and samefoods learn but are there other common ones I should know about?

Oh wow!  This is a good idea, a glossary of sorts! 

At first I was like “HOW WILL I EVER THINK OF THEM ALL?? MY MIND HAS GONE TOTALLY BLANK, WHAT’S AN AUTISM???”

But then I realized I already HAVE a pretty extensive list- it’s my tag list for this blog!  So, here ya go, starting with the 3 you listed:

masking

stimming

samefoods / samesong / samemovie

sensory input - the 5 senses, and how they interact with your brain.  When you see/hear/feel/smell/taste something, that is “input” into your brain

Bad Sensory Input / sensory hell - Autistics experience horrific sensory input in a way that allistics just do not, and there are no words to describe it, so we invented our own.  Bad Sensory Input is something that is far, far more horrible than just “unpleasant”.  For example, smelling a dumpster is a bad smell, but smelling mint for me is a Bad Smell, it makes me react very violently and almost puke, and I would much RATHER smell a dumpster than have to smell mint, so for me, mint is a Bad Smell.  

sensory sensitivity - Describes the condition of being affected by Bad Sensory Input

sensory overload - When your 5 senses are receiving too much information for your brain to handle.  Can lead to a meltdown/shutdown

autistic burnout - When you’ve been dealing with overload situations over an extended period of time, and run out of spoons (the energy it takes to do day-to-day things)

spoons - Not strictly an autistic term, but used by the entire disabled community at large.  Wikipedia explains it really well

self diagnosis / self dx - Because of a huge number of difficulties in getting professionally diagnosed, the autistic community accepts and advocates for self-diagnosis, that is, a person saying they are autistic based on their own personal experiences and research, without the diagnosis of a doctor

special interest / spIn (abbreviation, that’s a capital i) - More than “just a hobby”, an intense interest in a particular subject that takes away from learning about other subjects (causing “narrow interests” in the person), because so much time is spent on the special interest.  

hyperfixation / hyperfocus - When you are so engaged in the task you are doing that your brain has no room left to process other stimuli, such as hearing the world around you, realizing you need the bathroom, realizing you’re thirsty, etc

emotional overload - When your emotions become so intense it can send you into meltdown / shutdown

emotional dysregulation / emotional regulation - The inability to “reign in” emotions; having emotions that are much too big for a situation, having emotions that are a huge overreaction to a situation, or also a huge underreaction

auditory processing disorder - A hearing disorder that occurs when there is nothing wrong with the ears, but the brain struggles to interpret sounds.  Greatly affects the ability to understand speech.

echolalia / echologia - Repeating of words or phrases that you’ve heard, for various reasons.  Echolalia is repeating the words out loud, echologia is repeating them only in your mind

face blindness - A deficiency in the ability to recognize/remember faces

executive dysfunction / executive function - Poor executive function causes a person to struggle with planning, organization, remembering to do tasks, etc

propioception - the ability to feel the position of one’s body in relation to itself and the world around it.  Struggling with proprioception causes a person to be “clumsy” or “accident-prone”

meltdown / shutdown - A reaction to sensory or emotional overload.  The brain taking drastic measures to protect itself from more input, as it cannot handle any more.  Meltdowns are outward survival actions such as fight, flight, or hide, including kicking, screaming, or running away.  Shutdowns are internal reactions, where the person no longer responds to outside stimuli.

nonverbal - Nonverbal autistics are people who have very limited speech or are not able to speak

going nonverbal / becoming nonverbal - Many autistics are “partially” verbal, meaning they can speak when not stressed, but if they become overloaded lose their ability to effectively communicate with speech (called ‘going nonverbal’).  Can be a symptom of a meltdown/shutdown.  While I’ve seen this term used in the autistic community, @garbageonionpeople pointed out “I’ve seen a lot of nonverbal autistic ppl say they’d rather if people who are not nonverbal use something like “lose speech” instead of “go nonverbal”, since it gives the word an implication of impermanency”.

nonverbal communication / nonverbal cues - The parts of human communication that are not speaking, such as body language, facial expression, and gestures.  Autistics struggle to both interpret and display these forms of communication.

accommodation / self accommodation - The changing of an environment or behavior to alleviate autistic symptoms so that the autistic person can function in a less stressful way

abelism - Bigotry that stems from the attitude that disabled people are somehow worth less than non-disabled people.  The idea that disabled people are the ones who need to change to fit into an abled world is abelism.

allistic - a non-autistic person.

empathy / hyperempathy /hypoempathy - Empathy is the ability to feel the emotions of others.  Autistics tend to have either high empathy or low empathy, meaning we are either very affected by the emotions of others, or are not affected much at all.  This is not the same as compassion, autistic people with low empathy can still be very compassionate and care very much about others.

So even though this is a pretty good list, I’m sure I still forgot stuff!  If other people want to add stuff I forgot, please do so!  I also realize that these definitions are VERY short.  If you have more questions, search my blog for the tags, as all of these I got from posts I made with much more detailed explanations.  Or of course, search the tumblr tags, or google.

[punkclowngod]

The things you're talking about with OSDD and feeling like your trauma was happening from a 3rd person perspective. Not wanting to declare that you have another mental illness because you're not sure. I relate. A lot. Deeply. What snapped me out of the speculations was taking a deep breath and keeping myself grounded in the present. I was far more dissociated than I realized. I asked myself, "How do you feel right now?" and "What do you want right now?" For me, I realized I didn't actually know. I was just doing the things I thought I wanted. I was defining myself according to perceptions perpetuated by others that I had internalized. I thought I was a messy, unstable person because I was diagnosed with BPD and have acted that way because I thought that was what I had to do. I thought it was natural for me. In reality, I was playing a role. (It's actually incredibly likely that I am Schizoid, but have made great efforts to avoid being detected; in my case, putting on an elaborate, emotional charade to hide in plain sight. However, the diagnosis is less important to me now than it once was. I used to care a lot about diagnosis, now I'm spending more time listening to myself.) It's almost like I was watching myself from the outside and putting together possible explanations. In my vicious scramble to find answers and "be myself", I had lost sight of who I was and how I really felt. Focusing on staying present and minimizing dissociation has not been easy, but it has been incredibly helpful. It has helped me rediscover who I am. I can finally breathe and I am finally able to examine myself accurately in retrospect. I don't know if that helps, but it has been my experience.

oh yeah definitely, the constant role playing, trying to piece together who i am so i can act accordingly all the time is a struggle i’ve had for a long time that i attributed to bpd for years.

and for the dissociation, i am more aware now that i’m pretty much constantly in a dissociated state, that i’m never fully “there”. i often overlook it and attribute it to whatever disorder i already know i have feels the closest and then don’t question myself more about it, just to avoid complications or spiraling.

my sense of self has always been based on how people describe me and how i remember certain ways of acting that i have, i’ve always played the role that i thought was me, but it became such a habit that it was automatic.

diagnoses used to be sooo important to me when i was younger, but now if a diagnosis doesn’t benefit me, then i don’t want it. i don’t want people who have power over me to easily know what disorders i have. the only diagnosis that is vital to me was my autism diagnosis. but now that i have it, i have no interest in pursuing any other, as a form of self preservation. i do not want authority figures to know my disorders, i do not want it to be even easier for them to abuse their power over me.

the present is definitely something that i practically never live in, especially since i am really under stimulated on a daily basis. i do not go to school, i don’t have a job and i have a very limited amount of money. so most of my days consist on waiting, waiting that the day ends. i know that living in the present would help, but the apathetic boredom that comes with under stimulation is something that truly scares me and i avoid it as much as possible. i have made peace with my fluctuating identity and personality as much as i can because confronting the reality of having no social life and no stimulation and having to find a way to cope with all that’s happening is something i do not think i can survive. of course this only worsens the dissociation, but i truly think it’s for the better. i cannot live with boredom.

your message does motivate me to at least try, but i don’t have any expectations as to find clarity. boredom definitely scares me more than anxiety and paranoia and it’s a risk that i think is very rarely worth it. maybe when i’ll feel more stable i’ll try to just,.. live in the present, it’s definitely something that i hope i can learn to do, but in my immediate circumstances it doesn’t feel safe nor realistic. dissociating is definitely the thing that is keeping me the most stable and i’m not ready to distance myself from it yet.

i do want to understand if i do have OSDD, but i really do have to take as much time as i can. i’m in a too fragile state to try to change my habits. when i move out i’ll probably be able to try, right now a lot of things depend on when i’ll move out as living with my mother is definitely slowly killing me.

i really appreciate you sending this and it is helpful, i can’t wait until i’m able to live in the present and understand myself better. people sending their experiences with this kind of thing truly helps and comforts me, so thank you /gen

[andiphillipsdotcom]

Reframing the Mask

Post has been edited for correction and the addition of a link.

It was not my intention to write another autistic blog, but yaknow, sometimes a topic just gets stuck in your head, especially when that topic is hard-wired into your head. So, today, I want to talk about Masking.

Now, in case you don’t know, “masking” in this context refers to a coping strategy in which an autistic person acts in a neurotypical fashion, in order to blend in better into neurotypical society. This can include stimming in more “acceptable” fashions, or suppressing stims altogether, mirroring people in conversation, and many other strategies.

(If this is a topic you would like to learn more about, may I suggest this YouTube video by autistic content creator, Yo Samdy Sam: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9COmZ2HwXY)

While masking can be helpful to survive in a neurotypical world, it is also exhausting, because you have to put in that extra work in order to maintain and keep on the mask. Also, and this goes especially for autistic folx who are diagnosed or who self-discover late in life, masking can become so second-nature and ingrained, that it leads to an identity crisis.

Questions like, “But who am I without the mask,” or “without this mask, would anyone really like me,” can cause havoc on your mental health.

As for me, I was diagnosed very recently. In fact, this month is the one-year anniversary of my diagnosis. And while I, and everyone around me knew something was “different” about me, I spent my whole life not knowing what that was.

And yet, in spite of that, I have a distinct memory tattooed into my soul of writing a poem in middle school called, “The Masks,” and how I felt I had to wear masks in order to just live, and how hard that was for me. (I have no idea where that poem went. I would love to read it again, but alas it is lost to time.) So, way before I was diagnosed, back before I had any kind of meaningful understanding about autism, I understood masking and I hated it.

So, it is a little strange that I am going to be speaking in defense of Masking today.

Now, I want to make it clear, if you are autistic, and you do not mask, or you don’t feel the need to mask, that is entirely valid. Hell, I would love to live in a world in which masking isn’t required. In fact, I think that part of neurodiverse activism should include working to build a world in which everyone can live without feeling the need to mask.

With all that being said, I am not advocating for the use of full on masks, per se. However, I think it is important to remember that “masking” is actually not a practice that is necessarily unique to the autistic community. Now, don’t get me wrong, masking in a neurotypical fashion is unique to us, but consider for a moment the concept of “code switching.”

Code Switching is a practice in which individuals will change their behaviors and demeanors depending on varying situations. For example many people will act very differently depending on if they are interacting with a friend vs. their boss. This is the sort of thing most people - read neurotypical people - do so often and intuitively, that they may not even realize that they are doing it.

Meanwhile, for autistic people, these rules are not hardwired in our brains the way they seem to be for neurotypical people, and so we have to work extra hard, in order to switch codes, often over-compensating, which leads to masking.

But code-switching is still a necessary social tool. I mean you don’t want to act the same way around your boss as you would your friend. Not only could that put your employment at risk, but it could also get pretty awkward.

Plus, as an autistic person you still have to survive in a neurotypical world.

So, what is an autistic person to do?

Well, something that has helped me personally is reframing how I view masking. First, I don’t think of it as “Masking.” Like, who wants to mask? No thank you. I don’t want to be anyone other than myself.

Instead, I think of my version of “Masking” as “Filtering.”

I have a filter for work, a filter for activist spaces, and a filter for the cashier at the grocery store. These filters help me still be myself, but in a way that fits into whatever situation I am in.

Another reason I use the filter method is because I have a tendency of oversharing, which is another autistic trait. Seriously, if left unfiltered I can share some pretty personal stuff without thinking, or possibly hurt someone’s feelings with how blunt I can be. So using filters, basically taking the time to think through what I am going to say, how I am going to say it, or how I am going to act, helps me maintain healthy boundaries and healthy relationships.

And of course, I also make sure to find folx I don’t have to filter around, such as my family, close friends, and other autistics, so I can give the filter a break from time to time. And when I give the filter a break, I can give myself a break.

I hope this reframing aids other autistic folx. Masking can be incredibly stressful and harmful if you feel like you have to do it all the time, and it can also eat away at your self-identity and self-worth. But, unfortunately - at least in my experience - is still necessary to survive in a neurotypical world. But by thinking of your “mask” as a “filter” instead,  will hopefully allow you to be more of yourself.  

After all, a Mask covers up the real you entirely, while a filter - well, filters - what is already there. With a filter, you are still able to be yourself, even if they are different “filtered” versions of yourself.

Original Post on https://www.andiphillips.com/post/reframing-the-mask