#three conditions

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

Original Story: Three Conditions

A/N: Originally this was written for my Pop Fiction class in college, but I am now posting it here and thinking about turning it into a full on novel. Let me know what you guys think!

Summary: Randy was looking for a fake partner for the very simple reason of avoiding making a scene at a fashion gala that his toxic ex would be attending. He was not expecting Sage Ashton.

***

Finishing up his rather long-winded and rambling explanation and plea for help, Randy focused on keeping calm as he took a sip of his drink in the silence that followed. “So,” he finally said. “What do you say?”

Alex, one of his closest friends that had stood by his side for the hell that was his college years, laughed. Randy resisted the urge to end the phone call there and then. He didn’t bother to resist the urge to down half his drink in one go, though. 

“So- So, okay, let me get this right. Your mom is forcing you to attend some rich person ball and you need a fake girlfriend or boyfriend to get through the night so you don’t get proposed to? Seriously?”

“Gala,” Randy stressed, absolutely certain the silence that followed was judgemental as all hell. “Alex. My mother is a fashion designer icon and this gala is essentially a who’s who of those in the industry. And as archaic and insane as it is, it’s also the perfect opportunity for about a dozen families to push their children at me and hope a marriage comes out of it.” 

“It’s about time for you to settle down, you’re getting up there in years, after all, and you’ll need someone to take care of you-”

“I am twenty-five, you are an asshole, and you are also my last chance. Andy already said no because he’s out-of-state still for the next week, Novan told me to go fuck myself, Luna laughed in my face, and Lizzy… Lizzy was a little too excited about the idea.” 

“So I’m your fifth choice, huh? You really know how to flatter a girl, Randy.” His bad. That- Yeah. That was his bad. “Before I crush all of your cliche rom-com hopes and dreams, what’s the real reason you need a fake date for this thing? Avoiding marriage proposals is a little too big a lie even for you, bud.”

“Yeah… that’s what all the others said, too,” Randy groaned, raising his hand for another drink and ignoring the slightly judgemental look the bartender gave him. So what if he was sad and alone and on his phone with a drink? That didn’t mean his life was miserable! He did make sure to pay for that drink and his previous, though, to lessen the glaring. “I really do have to go, especially with how much I help with designs now, but… Tabby’s going to be there.”

A sharp hiss of breath crackled over the phone, Randy feeling the sympathy through the phone. “Crazy ex Tabby who tried to control you like a dog and then said you were only on a break after you dumped her?” Randy figured his silence spoke enough for him. “Damn. I’m sorry, Randy, I- I have work that night, and the bitch manager is on duty so if I try to flake I’ll risk this job.” 

Randy groaned, trying to make it pained and dramatic and hating that a little bit of his hopelessness was genuine. “Can’t I just pay you off? Come on, this is basically one of your novels come to life!” 

Alex started saying something, but it could have been in another language for how little Randy was focused on the words. Instead he was focused on the young woman who took a seat next to him at the bar and gave him a serious look with a tinge of desperation before saying, “I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend for the next three to five minutes.” 

“Uh…” Hm. It was New York. He was in New York and this was a New York bar. This wasn’t even the strangest thing to happen to Randy that day. “Sure? Alex, I’ll call you back as soon as I can, I need to go play white knight.” Hanging up and ignoring the shouting and complaining, Randy felt two hands wrap around his arm. 

“Cool, I’m Sage Ashton, twenty-one, we started dating six months ago, we’re taking things slow, but it’s starting to get serious between us and we’re thinking we might move in together in the next few months.” 

At least three of his friends would be yelling at him to turn around and get himself out of the situation he now found himself in, Randy mused. On any other day he probably might have, but considering Randy was trying to do the same thing she was of finding a fake partner, he couldn’t exactly go around throwing stones at glass houses and all that. Plus, when he had agreed, there had been a lot of relief in her expression.

“Randy Beaumont,” he finally said, deciding he’d deal with whatever consequences came later. Besides, it wasn’t the first time he played pretend boyfriend to a scared person in a bar. “Twenty-five. We started talking about moving in a couple weeks ago and we’re even looking at possibly getting a cat together.” The dazzling and relieved smile he was given came a few seconds before the shout of her name. 

“Sage! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” A man probably somewhere between their ages came up to the bar and leaned in on Sage’s other side, two other guys hanging a few feet back before awkwardly moving to order drinks. “Come on, baby, you know I wasn’t serious, right?” His gaze trailed to Randy, a frown appearing. “New friend?”

“New partner,” Sage said firmly, leaning back into Randy and wrinkling her nose. Going by the slightly glazed look in the guy’s eyes, he had already been at the bar for a few hours, at least. “And I thought I remember telling you this conversation was over months ago.” Ah, right, Randy and her had been ‘dating’ for six months. “Randy, this is Jake. He’s… someone I don’t talk to anymore.” 

“How long has this been going on for?” Jake smirked, looking like he was about to catch them in a lie as he kept his gaze focused on Randy. Personally, Randy thought he did a great job of raising his eyebrows and looking a mix of disdainful and annoyed. 

“‘Bout six months,” Randy said with a convincing glare, using the grip Sage had on his arm to pull her closer, ‘lowering’ his voice. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

Before Sage could answer, Jake was raising his voice, “Six months! So what, you left me and then had someone waiting in line for you! Or was he there before you walked out-” 

“On you and Jessica having the time of your lives on my bed?” Oh. Oh, damn. That was… no wonder she had wanted a fake boyfriend as backup. “I wasn’t the one cheating, Jake. Besides, I met Randy a week after that.” 

“Mutual friend set us up, in case it actually matters to you,” Randy said, really selling the story. He hoped so, at least. “C’mon, let’s get out of here, hun.” Standing up, Randy threw a couple bills down for a tip and to cover any of Sage’s possible drinks before he was placing an arm around her waist lightly and tugging her along. When it looked like Jake was about to say something no doubt degrading, Randy stood up straighter and narrowed his eyes. “What.”

“Bitch,” Jake muttered, acting as if he had gotten the last word in before slinking off to re-join the two others he had walked over with. 

As soon as they were outside and on the sidewalk, Randy removed his arm and smiled at Sage, “Sorry if any of that was uncomfortable.” 

“No worries,” Sage beamed, looking a lot more relieved once outside. “Jake’s not really, you know, violent, but… seeing him at a bar drunk with his brother and idiot best friend? Better safe than sorry, you know? You looked like you could throw a punch, at least.”

“I have been in my fair share of bar brawls,” Randy nodded, going for wise elder and probably hitting annoying considering the jab he got to his side. “Seriously, do you need help or to talk to the police or anything? Any stalking from him?”

“Just bad luck,” Sage shook her head, giving him a smile. “Thanks for the worry, though. But, no, I was about to move when that whole thing went down anyways, so, you know. He doesn’t even know where I live. I’ll now be changing bars, too, so with luck on my side and the enormity that is New York, I should be just fine. Shall we now break up and go our separate ways? I can even throw in some crying, if you want, or screaming to make you really look good.” 

“But how would my heart ever heal?” Randy asked, placing a hand over his chest and grinning at Sage’s laugh that definitely seemed to have taken her by surprise. For someone who had grabbed him in a bar and asked him to be a pretend boyfriend, she wasn’t half bad. In fact… he just had an idea. “Actually, my wonderful pretend girlfriend, while we’re on the subject of needing fake partners…”

Sage didn’t miss a beat for even a moment, instead starting to grin, “Yeah? Need me to scare off a crazy ex-girlfriend who can’t let you go because you’re soulmates?” Oh, Randy was definitely going to get Sage’s number after this. It was like talking to himself only with more sarcasm and attitude. 

“Honestly? You hit the nail on the head. Plus, if you say yes, it actually might be one of your top weirdest New York experiences.” A fake boyfriend for five minutes was a lot less to ask than an entire night as a fake girlfriend at a fashion gala. 

Sage didn’t respond right away, which was relieving in a way, and instead simply stared at him as if she was trying to figure him out. It felt like a couple of years before she finally nodded and asked, “Are you hungry?” 

“I could eat.” Rolling with the punches seemed to be the best way to navigate a conversation with Sage from what he could tell so far. It was like improv only with less comedy. Probably. 

“Good. It’s a fast food kind of day. Let’s go get dinner.” Sage bumped their shoulders together, giving a grin. “You can give me your pitch as we’re walking.”

Thankfully, it was New York and they were in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. There were fast food places everywhere. Even more thankfully, Randy was done explaining about the situation by the time they had their food in front of them — the real one, and not the fake marriage proposal one.

“So.” Sage finished sprinkling three packets of salt over her fries before starting to eat them, Randy watching in a mixture of fascination and horror. “You need a fake partner to go to this fashion gala with you since you’ll almost definitely be running into an insane ex-girlfriend who wants to own and control you like a poodle.” 

“That covers all the major points of it, at least,” Randy nodded, not even surprised when Sage took a sip of his drink before drinking from hers and then swapping them. He supposed he would be drinking Coke instead of Sprite. “I’d offer to pay you, but that makes it sound like something vaguely illegal is happening.” 

“As opposed to you living out a fanfiction trope used by fourteen-year-olds just learning to write gay fanfiction.” Sage decimated a quarter of her fries before Randy found his voice again because that description had been horrifyingly beautiful — and accurate. 

“Moving on.” Yeah. Okay. He deserved the laugh to his face on that one. “I really am out of options. All of my friends are either working, out-of-state, or don’t feel comfortable enough to go. But this is also a voluntary experience. You can opt-out at any time.” 

“Is this conversation being recorded for training purposes?” Ah, the sass never stopped. Randy hated how much fun he was having. “Alright, more seriously, I’m… not totally against it. I guess I do kind of owe you after the whole Jake thing.” 

“That was a debt-free fake-boyfriend event,” Randy said, shaking his head when Sage looked ready to argue. “No, seriously. I know how that kind of thing goes, and I’d rather play boyfriend to someone actually decent than have you end up in a bad situation, especially when you’re on your own in a bar.” 

Sage was quiet and Randy was starting to think he had offended her or had gone too far before she placed a hand to her chest. “Randy… I think I’m ready to move in with you.” Randy wasn’t even done laughing before she broke and laughed herself. “Seriously, though, I’m not against it. Attending a fancy party with free food and getting the chance to piss off some rich jerks? I’m in — but on three conditions!” 

“Name them,” Randy said at once, not at all caring how desperate he came across because, well. He really was desperate. He needed to be at that gala, both to support his mother and to start making his own name in the industry. The idea of running into Tabby, though… He had barely managed to scrape together the courage to leave her the first time. She knew just what to say to tear him down and keep him under her heel and he’d rather avoid re-living and going through more emotional abuse if he could. 

“Alright, condition number one, I get to take my own transport there. I am not showing up in some damn limo or fancy looking car. I have standards, Randy.” Sage grinned, Randy feeling the tension drain out of him as he relaxed. “Two, I’m not going to kiss you or anything just to fool some rich snobs. My emotions are far too delicate for such a thing like that.” 

“Oh, absolutely,” Randy nodded quickly, trying to hide his smile behind his drink as Sage ‘glared’ at him. She then stuffed another handful of fries in her mouth and looked more like a chipmunk than anything until she swallowed. 

“Three — the last and most important one.” Sage looked solemn, but Randy wasn’t willing to buy it quite yet. “We are not going to be a trope, Randy.” Sage didn’t even pause at his laughter, instead talking over him. “I’m serious! We’re not going to fall in love and get together and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and- Hang on. We’re in New York. Right. We’re not going to fall in love and move into a two-bedroom apartment with our rescue cat!”

Randy was still laughing even as he held out his hand, Sage clasping it firmly with a grin. “Sage Ashton, I agree to your terms.” 

“Then Randy Beaumont, I’ll see you tomorrow night.” 

***

Adjusting his outfit and doing last checks for the fifth time in the rearview mirror, Randy continued speaking towards the call he had going. “Yes, Mama, I’m on my way there now. Remember, Sage and I are madly in love and you’re looking forward to your future daughter-in-law joining the business.” 

“Where did these dramatics come from? I know they couldn’t have come from me.” Ha. This from the woman who convinced three models to quit at a rival’s fashion show and then gleefully took credit for it. “Will my future daughter-in-law that you met while playing hero be dressed appropriately, at least?”

“Mama, please, there’s no need to insult me. I managed to tailor some spares I had while working on the Spring collection.” 

“Premaire or Coupled?” More smug at the question than he probably should have been, Randy thought back to when he had invited Sage over the day before the gala to try on outfits to find something for the ball. It had been a fun afternoon teaching her about fashion, the industry at large, matching and combining fabrics, and creating something entirely new for her to wear — as well as something that would match his own outfit. 

“The silk-lined plum chiffon blouse from Premaire and the combined wool leggings and skirt in black from Coupled. Also threw in the boots from the Fall Lessons collection.”

The sound of clapping over the line had him beaming, “Bravo! That’s my boy! Some excellent choices and I look forward to seeing them in person! Hopefully my future daughter-in-law fits the clothes?” Ah, she was so protective. 

 “Trust me, Mama, I think you’ll actually like her. She’s… fun. Nice. I think I might actually see if we can be friends after this. Some of the others would love to meet her.” 

“Mm…” Oh, he did not like that teasing, knowing hum of hers. “I’ll be sure to expect us to see a lot more of my future daughter-in-law, then.”

“Now, hold on a minute there, that doesn’t mean-” 

“Ta, darling, I’ll see you soon!” 

The call ended before his phone switched back over to his music, Randy suddenly finding the whole ‘daughter-in-law’ joke a lot less funny after that last comment. Honestly. Years of trying and still he couldn’t get the last word in when it came to his mother. 

At least traffic was actually decent for once, Randy making good time even with him seemingly hitting every red light in the state- Oh. Now that was interesting. Randy was eighty percent sure he was seeing Sage come out of an apartment complex. He wasn’t absolutely sure, considering the distance, but chances were good considering the woman who had just come out was dressed up in the outfit he had tailored and put together along with make-up done to absolute perfection and curled, wavy hair that was woven and braided in around a headband with a black and gold butterfly on the top. 

Ah, well, even if he was wrong people had heard weirder shouted out to them from cars with their windows rolled down. “So how firm was that first condition,” he shouted, grinning as the woman jumped and looked over at him, expression blank before it became angry as heeled boots started stomping towards his car and oh, yes, that was definitely Sage. 

The light turned green just as Sage finished sliding into the car and shut the door behind her, Randy doing his best to not laugh as Sage ‘glared’ at him. It was more like a pout, if anything, and even that was stretching it. “Randy Beaumont, you are on thin ice right now.” 

“I’m sorry, but we’re still five miles away and do you really want to step on public transit dressed like that when it’s getting to be night?”

“You sound like my dad,” Sage huffed, Randy seeing what was coming the second realization sparked in her eyes and a smile started growing. 

“No- No, no, don’t-”

“Does this mean I get to call you Daddy?”

“Get out of my car right now. I'd rather deal with the emotional trauma.” 

Randy couldn’t even try to be angry as Sage laughed loud and bright, almost bent over with the force of her laughter. Honestly, it was a sight that put him at ease and made him think that the gala wouldn’t be near as bad as he was expecting. 

It was a shame that he had forgotten that God hated him and cursed his existence each day he managed to survive. 

While the ride to the gala had been delightful, and the first half hour had actually been fun with the low, scathing commentary Sage happily whispered to him about everyone they saw, the current moment he had managed to find himself trapped in was a moment from hell. Of course it had been just as Sage had left to hit the bathroom. 

“Really, Randall? You hired someone to pretend to be your girlfriend just to avoid me? I’m almost hurt.” Tabitha Fields smiled beautifully and coldly, dressed beautifully in shades of red and gold, and Randy felt like he had swallowed ice. He didn’t like the fact that she had obviously been watching him and had waited for him to be alone. “Darling, when are you going to quit all this fuss and stop running away from me?”

“I didn’t run away from you, Tabby,” Randy said firmly, the words feeling like a lie. “I left you. I also didn’t hire anyone to be my girlfriend. Sage is here of her own free will.” 

“I doubt that. It couldn’t be more obvious that she doesn’t belong here, darling,” Tabby laughed, bright and sweet and one of the first things Randy had fallen in love with. “Baby, don’t you think it’s time for our break to end? I promise I won’t even be upset with you.” 

“I-”

“Last I heard he had dumped you!” The warm, happy look in Tabby’s eyes went cold and flat like he had last remembered, Randy taking a breath as Sage wrapped her hands around his arm and leaned in close to him. “You must be Tabby! I’m Sage Ashton, Randy’s girlfriend. A shame Randy didn’t manage to fully convey how much of a bitch you are, though.” 

Tabby stared and Randy couldn’t blame her because, well, people normally didn’t just come out and call someone they just met a bitch. Especially not at a fancy fashion gala where the average outfit cost more than a year’s worth of salary for some people. Sage, he was starting to fully realize, wasn’t exactly someone normal. He was surprisingly okay with that. Besides, Tabby deserved it. “I beg your pardon-”

“Then beg,” Sage said cheerfully, Randy shaking as he tried to hold in laughter because that- Who went up to people they didn’t know and said those things? “Sorry, I’m just a dumb little commoner around here, you know, I don’t know all these fancy unspoken rules and regulations. All I know is how to spot an abusive bitch.” 

Tabby’s expression had changed to something more suited to an apocalyptic rage, Randy swallowing and tugging Sage closer to him, who only laughed. “Easy, Tabby, easy. See, right now I’m smiling and laughing, but you’re looking more and more angry. If you were to break and start yelling, and I went from smiling to crying, what do you think that would do to your reputation?” 

Randy felt himself freeze the same moment Tabby did and oh… Sage was brilliant. At a gala like this, where so many people in the industry were as well as reporters? None of them could afford to make a scene. Part of why Randy had been so scared of coming alone was that he knew he couldn’t make a scene against Tabby without bringing negative repercussions to himself and his mother’s business.

“The beautiful, composed Fields heiress yelling and insulting the sweet, starry-eyed girlfriend of Randall Beaumont? It’d look pretty bad for you, I think.” Huh. Randy hadn’t thought Sage had been paying attention when he had started rambling about the political and reputation side of the fashion industry. “So, why don’t we just smile and go our separate ways and avoid each other for the rest of the night?

“Oh, and Tabby? One more thing, before I forget.” A hand cupped his cheek and Randy realized what was happening a second before lips were connecting with his. He had expected a quick brush, something similar to what was done for a play or a joke, but instead he got a kiss. He did his best to relax and make it feel like it was something natural, something they had done before a hundred times, at least. He was… a little scared, actually, of how easy that was to do. 

When Sage finally pulled back from where she had been leaning up and huh, apparently Sage, even in boots with a heel of three inches, had to lean up to kiss him. That was a detail he hadn’t thought he’d need to know, but there it was. He should probably focus on what Sage and Tabby were saying, no doubt making enemies of each other and Tabby threatening to bring Beaumont Fashions down, but Randy couldn’t drag his focus away from how nice of a kiss that had been. 

It wasn’t steamy, or overwhelming, or some true love’s kiss, but it had been- It had been nice. It felt like something soft and familiar. It wasn’t just that, either, but Sage seemed to be soft and familiar around him. Even as they were surrounded in an environment where she had to pretend to be in love with someone she had essentially just met, she was relaxed. She had been joking with him and teasing him and acting as if she had known him for years. It felt like they had known each other for years. She was leaning into his side and tangling her fingers with his and- 

“Randy.” Snapping to attention, Randy realized Tabby had left and Sage was grinning up at him like he was an idiot. He was very quickly becoming alright with that. “As I was saying, your personalized demon from hell just left. Maybe we should introduce her to Jake. They can be toxic assholes together! At least, I’m assuming she was toxic going by what you’ve told me and how terrified you looked there when I came back.”

“I-” Right. Get it together, Beaumont. “Yeah. That’s pretty close to it, at least. Bad parting. And relationship. Um, about the… the-”

“Yeah,” Sage nodded, playfully glaring at him again. “That’s two conditions broken, Beaumont. Don’t think I’m not keeping track.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Randy managed to respond in a tone that was probably normal, not even fighting it as Sage dragged him over towards the table where his mother was sitting and yeah… Yeah. His life had definitely become the manuscript of a romantic comedy. 

That made him feel kind of alright with how he was about to break condition number three.

[bruciemilf]

Need a the Waynes Lived AU where Martha’s a vampire. She snuck in a Wayne Gala for a potential late night snack, but Thomas thought she was a socialite.

“So, what do you do?”

“I drain people of their life sources.”

“Oh, you’re a CEO too?”

She can’t drink Thomas’ blood because he smokes too much, the baggy eyes indicate long nights spent on his feet during surgery, which means it’ll taste bitter, and she saw him drown 10 whiskey shots in one go.

It’s a taste thing, nothing against him.

He is, how ever, very handsome, and she decided she’ll be his house cat for the time being. Fast forward two years later and they have a vampire cherub of a baby named Bruce.

Babies usually don’t come out with fangs and tiny bat wings, so, yeah. His wife’s a vampire. Cool.

“How come I’ve never seen your wife outside during the daytime, Tom??”

“How come I’ve never seen you mind your own fucking business?”

[lukazade]

Sleepover with two puny mortals that you're in love with (and everything can go right).

Lowkey based on a fanfic I was writing, but as usual I haven't the confidence to post it! Yeah~

Had this in the drafts for months,,,, figured I'd finish it up now so it's done. I like to kinda have some Finished art on the page hahahaha

[doekimakura]

They are DONE!!! LOOK AT THEM AAA

They will now be there under my monitor (totally dont mind the shamos chilling behind them...)

[firestorm09890]

that one hotel transylvania comic

[the-crooked-library]

One similarity between Jonathan and '24 Thomas I'd like to point out is the "unclean" scene.

Jonathan saw and experienced all the nastiest most vile parts inside of vampires, and when she declared herself unclean and when holiness itself burned her he loved her despite it all, and resolved that if she became one of those monsters he would follow her. Thomas also saw all the horrifying darkness in Ellen, and when she too cried out that she's unclean he like Jonathan said that she's not and that he loves her.

I mean... I don't think these scenes are really all that similar - and again, this is to do with characterization, because on the surface level, they do follow roughly the same script. They're both extremely significant to the dynamics between Jonathan/Mina or Thomas/Ellen - but more so as a juxtaposition.

Mina believes herself to be unclean and damned because she has been bitten by Dracula and is indeed at risk of becoming a vampire as well; and as you said, Jonathan vows to join her in that cursed undeath. It is an expression of beautiful, intense, blasphemous, extremely gothic devotion, and it defines their relationship throughout the story.

By contrast, Ellen believes herself to be unclean because of her own psychic ability - because she was the one who woke Orlok in the first place. Thomas does try to reassure her, he tells her he loves her; and he is trying his best, but this reassurance ultimately falls flat for two reasons - 1) he cannot convince her that she is not unclean, because that perceived "uncleanliness" is an inherent part of her, rather than something foreign; and 2) he wants her to eventually be free of it, which she cannot ever be - because, again, the horror is a part of her.

Unlike Jonathan, Thomas is terrified of that horror. He does not recognize it as a permanent aspect of Ellen, and he ultimately is incapable of making the same vow that Jonathan Harker did; and this limitation is crucial to the undercurrent of that scene, because it is the reason Ellen lies to him about her final plan. Mina trusted Jonathan and co. enough to openly ask them to end her life in the event of turning, but Ellen makes the arrangements with Von Franz in secret, before sending her husband on a wild-goose chase. She cares about him, yes, and he cares for her; but he does not love all existing aspects of her. He would not be able to accept her if she turned. Their goals in life, their desires, their perspectives are fundamentally incompatible, and so the only thing she can do for him is leave him behind.

Thomas may have good intentions and a similar choice of career, but he's no Jonathan. It's not exactly his fault, it's just that he's really not meant to be a Hero. He's a Damsel in Distress and he's being forced into the wrong role entirely by a patriarchal world - the existence of which only Ellen appears to recognize.

[serpentface]

What’s the architecture/layout of old Bur, how do modern people perceive the ruins?

The city in its peak was very large and spread over both shoreline and a network of small islands. These islands comprised a waterfront district connected by a network of bridges and canals, where a large portion of its non-agricultural lower class lived.

It had a fairly well organized and efficient freshwater+sanitation system across most of its span (the canal district had less effective plumbing largely due to logistical difficulties, most of its wastewater was instead flushed by rain powered cisterns). The water system was powered by the Hsuke river and made fresh water readily accessible throughout the majority of the city (though few homes had direct freshwater plumbing). It had several major public baths, and the homes of the wealthiest members of society had their own private bathing pools.

In this part of the world, it is broadly regarded as once being one of the most beautiful cities to have ever existed. It was particularly noted for its water gardens (still a fixture of present day Burri culture) which were absolute marvels of engineering for that period, with the majority of these being entirely artificial and supported by its network of aqueducts. These hosted thousands of ornamental plants, fish, and fowl, as well as fruiting trees and shrubs. They were treated as a public work meant to benefit all citizens, and existed throughout the city.

The palace in particular was noted as impressive, in part for its architecture but mainly for its gardens. These hosted 'exotic' plants and a menagerie of animals from across the empire's territory, and existed in part as a symbol of the state's power and reach. It was a trend for emperors to bring in the fiercest animal from each conquered province to the grounds, with the an-nechoi being the beast of choice from the lands across the sea to the east, with one (Probably erroneously) cited as killing thirty servants in the process of moving it into the gardens.

The palace was located within the temple district. This district housed over a hundred shrines to the various lesser deities of the pantheon, and temple complexes to the seven chief deities (the firstborn gods who created the world, all other gods were later descendants). Old Burri temples were Kinda similar in shape to a ziggurat, though had an accessible interior space and a central tower which housed the shrine. At this time, the chief gods were believed to physically inhabit their temples. Each god had its own high priest permitted to attend to their shrine, with the emperor being the high priest to Inanariya (king of the gods) and the only person permitted to directly commune with this deity. The foundations to these temples are relatively intact in the present day, though none of the towers remain (collapsed in earthquakes with no one to rebuild them).

The city was heavily fortified, having one external wall surrounding most of its length, and an internal wall surrounding the palace/temple district (which doubled as a fortress).

---

The period of sea level rise began with a 500ish year period of mostly gradual increase, which occurred slowly enough that most infrastructure could adapt very easily and the problem went unnoticed by most (the city of Bur experienced most of its Growth during this time). It then culminated with about a century of (relatively) rapid rise, which is the direct cause of the city's abandonment.

The canals flooding had always been a problem during storms, but this began to occur with notable frequency, alongside the water level as a whole rising quickly enough to be noticed on an immediate human timespan. The canal district was maintained for a while by rerouting some of its waterways and building up barriers, but it was the first part of the city to be abandoned. Things got more serious when the mainland parts of the city grew increasingly impacted by storm surges that never seemed to fully retract, and major parts of its surrounding farmland were hit by surges and tidal waves, and rendered too saline to remain arable.

The actual single biggest cataclysm was the collapse of the city's mainland sewage system. It was built with flood canals as a failsafe, but these were built to withstand heavy rain rather than an encroaching ocean. Storm surges would cause large segments of the city to be flooded with sewage (including some of the freshwater plumbing), and serious disease outbreaks would follow.

These issues were enabled/exacerbated by earthquakes (the region is geologically active and this isn't unusual) that further damaged and mingled the sewage and freshwater systems. One earthquake and its subsequent tidal wave was a turning point, and the resulting breakdown of (already strained) infrastructure rendered a large swath of the city uninhabitable in the space of about a week. This also just caused immediate damage to much of the city's architecture/walls, and collapsed the tower of the temple to Inanariya (never a good sign). This is when the full exodus began, first with people flocking to un-flooded parts of its city and farmlands, and those who could afford it fully relocating to other cities/towns.

All of this issues were compounded by the 1st Burri Empire already being in a period of collapse at this time. This was largely a matter of simple overextension. Its borders were constantly under attack by rival states/its victims, sometimes with great success. Bur's own population had burgeoned well past what the imperial core land could sustain, and its cities relied predominantly on extraction of foreign grain/goods to feed their people. It lost most of its eastern land holdings in a fairly rapid timespan (overextended with wars at multiple fronts), which caused frequent famines in its core.

This put pressure on its final emperors to invest in increasingly desperate expansionist projects, while attempting to keep up public morale with lavish public works and objectively stupid vanity projects. The attempt to excavate a canal at the Viper seaway's 'tail' (one of the few eastern regions it retained secure control of at that point) was in part a desperate act to revive its economy by opening up/monopolizing a new trade system. The amount of money and manpower sunk into this ultimately doomed project was followed by Bur being fully ousted from its eastern holdings, and was one of the final straws in its collapse.

People in the city of Bur proper were dealing with the double front of starvation and their homes + streets + immediate water supply being flooded with seawater and literal human feces. These issues impacted the lower classes first and most severely, but ultimately transcended class boundaries. Famine grew more and more rampant, not only with the loss of the colonial holdings that supported the population but of farmland in the imperial core- much of the city of Bur's immediate farmlands were unproductive due to repeat inundation with saltwater during surges, and the farmland along the Yamage river to the north was rapidly being captured and pillaged by the Hsem (historical enemies, a nomadic group with a khait warrior culture from further west).

All this was fucking unlivable in of itself, but also had very obvious implications in the context of Burri emperors also being high priests and the chief intermediary between the gods and the people. Not only was the government failing to sustain its citizens to begin with, but signs of divine disapproval were deeply apparent.

So the last days of the 1st Burri empire were a chaotic period of civil unrest, most acute in and around city of Bur proper. This involved near-constant peasant revolts and several attempted coups. The last Burri emperor (of the First empire) ultimately fled the capital of Bur and reestablished in Titenegal, declaring it the new capital. This was then sacked by the Hsem within a year and after that it was fucking Joever.

The city of Bur was functionally abandoned by this point. People still Lived There and there were several attempts to set up a new government, all of which failed in the short term. After the collapse was complete, its inhabitants were mostly just peasants who built up new homes further inland and sustained themselves on the remaining farmland. Few people lived permanently in the city proper due to all of its intact infrastructure being effectively non-functional without the governmental bodies/human labor to sustain it.

---

It should also be noted that it was Extremely not just Bur that was flooded, the sea level rise was worldwide (resulting from a collapsing ice sheet) and almost Every coastal city during this period experienced the same issue. Bur's demise was just notably dramatic in that it was once the most heavily populated human city that has Ever Existed, and directly correlated with the fall of the empire it hosted.

The flooding was fairly gradual, but it's been 7 centuries since the first Burri empire's collapse and the fall of its capital city, and many contemporary records were lost to the immediate chaos and to the large span of time since. Cultural memory tends to reframe the flood VERY rapid on a human scale, many of the stories describe the city being swallowed in a single wave as an act of divine punishment (the popular notion at the time that the last emperors deeply displeased and shamed the gods has stuck into the narrative, often exaggerated into stories of them being horrifically debauched blasphemers guilty of the worst disgraces imaginable). Even more conservative accounts tend to imagine the totality of the destruction taking place over the span of about a year (merging the memories of the immediate earthquake devastation with more gradual elements of its slow flooding). People widely believe that most of its residents drowned in the city's cataclysmic demise, and that the ruins are now Extremely haunted.

The state of the flooding is not 'completely under the sea' and you can still walk/wade through most of the inland ruins (the canal district is effectively submerged, with most structures that Would be above the water level having collapsed against the strain). As such, some people Do Live Here. These people are mostly smugglers and pirates using the ruins as a hideout, and/or opportunistic hunters and fishermen who won't let ghosts stop them. Entering the city ruins is currently forbidden (largely Because of the criminal nature of basically every motive to go here (even hunting, which is considered poaching)), but enforcement of this rule/active patrols to prevent entry are inconsistent.

The majority of Old Bur's inhabitants are animals. The un-flooded parts of the city and its gardens are now a host to a thriving community of native plants and animals (and a few descendants of escaped non-native zoo animals/ornamental plants that adapted well to the conditions).

The egret shown here is a foreign species originally brought as an ornamental bird. In the centuries since its first import, it has become widespread and occurs on both sides of the Mouth seaway. It can hunt in both freshwater and saline environments, and a very large population lives permanently in the ruins of Old Bur.

Its common name is the ghost egret. Contemporary Burri folklore holds that the ghost egrets of Old Bur are literal ghosts, carrying the souls of those who died in the cataclysmic floods.

[ilynpilled]

“The things I do for love,” he said with loathing. He gave Bran a shove.

all this frothing insecurity is actually so funny if you consider that he is supposed to be the most beloved one by the rest. the bar is in hell with house lannister

[bardic-irritation]

maybe unpopular opinion but I'm kinda loving Elias so far? like as a Person I would hate him but as a Character? kicking my feet and giggling everytime he makes a stupid joke or menaces someone. slayyyy old man. terrorizing your employees is so good for the Plot.

[cottoncandysprite]

CAN MY GAY LIL SHOWS JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN FOR LIKE 5 MINS I NEED TO CATCH MY BREATH JESUS CHRIST

[catcherwrites]

An improbable theory I’m quietly vibing with is that if (when?) we get Arc 3, Aaravos’ star in his chest will be completely lit up again.

Because what if his star isn’t bright because he “fell” or “was banished” or “lost his true heart when his daughter died”? What if it’s simply because he hasn’t returned to the stars in a very long time?

I think it’d be cool if maintaining a physical form is taxing for Startouch Elves (hence why they don’t visit Xadia a lot). The longer a Startouch Elf stays corporeal, the more their strength diminishes and the darker their star becomes. Normally, Aaravos would replenish his power every few years before returning to Xadia - but when Leola died he was grieving too much to care about returning to the heavens.

By the time the 100 years had passed, Aaravos’ star was completely dark. But, of course, he had no intention of leaving Xadia until he got his revenge. It’s very inconvenient, missing a sizeable chunk of your essence, but Aaravos was still powerful enough to mastermind everything throughout history.

Then he got imprisoned for a few centuries, weakening him even further than he would’ve liked (and that’s perhaps why he relied on Claudia so much in S7).

But now? He’s been sent back to the heavens for the first time in a millennia or so. He’ll replenish his missing power, and once his stars realign he’ll return to Xadia much stronger than before.

Imagine he comes back looking like he does in these pics

[daitranscripts]

(current wc total: 615,812) Word count breakdown so far for this project! Locations are still in-progress, and some of the main quests were transcribed before I knew how to access the files (thus the out-of-order list) so they may still be missing content.

[buwheal]

Careful not to break us, Spamton, when you're dragging us around. Thank you (tho it is fun getting to go on 'walks' with you, lol).

[endermiss1000]

Trying to find a new app for my meme creation = not fun. Making memes with g1 screamer = very fun tho

[starscream-is-my-wife]

I finally have all 4 of the original transformers marvel :D + the 5th issue with the best cover

[cepetriwrites]

Alicent Reverses the Hourglass Ch 1 Meme

Alicent: *trying to die of disease after decades of misery*

Some random witch apparating into the room: what up? I want to do a thought experiment and see if the past can be rewritten. Here’s a bunch of conditions, ready to relive the worst years of your life?

Alicent:

Alicent Reverses the Hourglass Masterpost of Memes