lukazade

[lukazade]

More pen scribbling,,, getting comfortable with it now but the pen is gonna run out soon 💔

[lukazade]

More pen sketches ; every time I draw Nox (my sona) for some reason she doesn't come out well???? I draw her all the time though??? Why is she so impossible to draw in pen???

[lukazade]

Wait last one

Chips on top

Chip hair

She thinks of herself as top of the pyramid?

"Everyone else is burger," is. Maybe too cursed. Untrue. Delete post.

[lukazade]

Can't sleep have to say one last thing

This episode literally had a "sometimes closure is just letting something go" moment and I'm reeling about it I can't lie,,,, she didn't get "closure" with gummigoo when she saw him. She had to leave it at goodbye. You never get to see that rly, idk it was just nice. Some people just leave. It's not your right to force them to explain or bring things up that will open up a can of worms. Get closure by moving on without asking them for answers or to listen to you talk. Nobody is owing you their time or trauma, even when all you want to say is "sorry." Find it within yourself to close the door behind a person.

[lukazade]

Foreword: it's all just my opinion! Don't freak out! Don't worry! Listen if you want, don't listen if you don't! Discuss if you want, don't if you don't! Awesome! Also man it's wordy I'm sorry!

Ok I know we've talked about zooble trans allegory and yes, agree, however. I think it's also like, something about acceptance and adjustment as a whole concept. A feeling of self actualisation,, or something. I'm gonna talk about masking now!

Some characters have adjusted implicitly to the circus (Ragatha, Jax), some have brute-force adjusted (Kinger, Pomni), and some have adjusted by refitting to their environment as it changes (Zooble, Gangle).

What I mean to say is this hints at their past lives a little more (to me);

Ragatha and Jax

Ragatha and Jax are what I would call perfect maskers. The type who do it so well they fool themselves - the type who have the sort of trauma that just can't be given to an adult. It's entwined into your birthright. Ragatha has always come across as having "eldest daughter syndrome" (if you're not sure what I mean by this, look it up!) and Jax chooses destruction and cruelty in his every play (I know men who do not know how to be Nice to others and can only bully and demean the people they even genuinely like, because of toxic masculinity being ingrained in the very fabric of being A Boy in this world- yadda yadda yawn) (note: this still makes them suck and please don't forgive people who say "this is just how I am" when they hurt you just because of whatever they've been through. You are now going through it for them.) but they don't come across as genuine. Neither of them feel genuine.

Jax wants everyone to enjoy his "banter" and thinks that them reacting is similar to them enjoying. They're partaking, after all. He doesn't like when people aren't playing along with him, but they don't play with him because his playstyle is cruelty. He's compelled to be mean. And he needs you to respond in his language - his language that is obscene and hurtful. And it gets worse as you engage with it, because he's playing with you. And not necessarily to hurt you. Just.. to hurt you. You feel me? It's a game. It's not real. Why would it upset you? Lighten up.

Ragatha wants the same, in a way. She wants to play house (needs to) because eldest daughters can never stop playing house. They've been doing it since the second the younger sibling was born. Perhaps even parented a parent, with no siblings at all to speak of. They start the job so young that they do not live in reality. They're playing house. They're the mother. And Pomni is literally child shaped, so of course she wants to nurture and care for her. And of course she wants to care for everyone, because that's what she knows how to do; she can't accept thanks for it because of course she'll take care of you. She'll take care of everything. It's nothing to be thanked for. And Pomni is her child but also,,, she's not actually. That's not her child or even A child. She'll parent her as a way to show her love, right down to, "she's too busy flirting with gummigoo to be with us, wish someone would flirt with me" (aka: "she doesn't love mommy anymore, she's abandoning mommy and growing up"). We aren't going to travel this path further in this post but if you're a freak who wants to explore it feel free! Heck. Maybe you already have explored it! Life's crazy.

Anyway. They hate each other, (Ragatha and Jax) but they get along because they're both able to, weirdly, find common ground. Ragatha gets to bite at him in an angry housewife way. He gets to bite at her because she bites back. They let off steam by arguing, where he tends to play defence to her offence, when you might assume a nasty rude cruel guy would raise his voice and deny her the right to do so. I won't go further here either because I lack evidence the deeper I go rotating these two in my mind. My evil otp. Sorry Ragatha I think you're a lesbian having weird things with Pom but you're part of my evil otp with nasty Jax because you're parallels of what the world does to its eldest sons and daughters sorreeeeey.

Pomni and Kinger

These two are. They're rotating in my mind. Yeah. Yeah they are, right there. The child he never got to have, the father figure she evidently yearns for.

These two are the type who don't adjust well. They don't mask well. They can't hold it in and lie about things, and when they do they fall apart.

Pomni is in the early stages of a new environment - she can't blend into it all even though she looks the most like a circus act. She tries, but the way it drives her up the wall, the way every good moment is also a moment waiting to strike, she can't. Until the moments she can. When it's quiet, when people are acting normal, when she's alone somewhere and can functionally talk about it. And then she's. Fine. She blends, she matches. She's just in hell, just in the circus. It's okay though.

But there's only so much talking things out can do, especially when you're stuck somewhere that actively traumatises you. Going back to therapy won't stop the bad things from happening, and so she'll loop again and again until... well, who knows! I hope we find out!

Kinger my beloved that killed his wife (?) either beforehand (while alive) OR believes so because he watched her abstract in front of him, and confused it with killing her. Who knows. His real life and his life in the circus are one and the same, he can't pick them apart. Because he never did adjust. It all slams into him every time, he needs that quiet, dark, emotional place that Pomni is still reaching for. But he has accepted that he doesn't fit and can't reach. He's literally a piece from a set. A set with no other pieces. Nobody else is from a set; Pomni maybe counts as part of a Circus Objects set. But she is in a circus. She might be able to adjust with time; Kinger does not fit. Cannot adjust. An outsider who (if we're to believe that was his life, in the haunted house ep) was paranoid and lived away from society (with the one matching set piece that he got to have, his queen). And in killing her, lost his ability to be in a set. To have kids. Uh. Pawns if you will. He has no place, and though he cannot truly adjust, though he remembers himself fairly easily in private (something the best maskers don't necessarily get to have; whew boy let me tell you sometimes the mask feels more real than the skin!!), he has accepted it. He has adjusted. Episode 3 there's so much more in you that I'm not seeing.. there's more I should be able to see.. idk what though. But he knew it was his own life. 100%. Also I believe in ep 4 gummigoo remembered his past life as an NPC v.1 idk where else to say that tho. I'm putting it here I believe.

And now we nearly reach the end! Are you still with me folks? And do you like my informal writing style? Thanks! University hated it! I'm shocked that I have a degree!

Zooble and Gangle

These two literally in canon adapt and change themselves to fit in. They're not perfect maskers, but they're also not the type who can't mask. The perfect maskers need their situation to gradually change, the ones who can't mask need things not to change. But change is in the nature of these two. Adapting is what they do. Gangle literally changes her mask right in front of others (think.. code-switching? I guess!) Zooble offers her a mask she thinks might help. Changes up her limb pieces. They are adaptable. But they diverge.

Zooble steps out of anything she doesn't want to do, anything she can't handle, but this is because she is constantly trying to find the right "body parts." She is so interested in the introspective, in the self, that the affectation of the outside just slides right off her. Jax wishes! She is able to ignore everything because the most important thing to her is her sense of self. Never mind how it fits in with others. Her apathy is only for things that cannot help her - she holds empathy and gentleness deep within herself, and gives it to those who care or relate to her struggle. She isn't close to the Perfect Maskers because they fundamentally cannot understand her (Ragatha wants to just go with it and let each adventure play out and end. Over and over. Something to do. // Zooble doesn't want to be distracted from the self actualisation of finding her "correct" body parts. Adventure outside is nothing for her (literally episode 4 couldn't touch her lmao she just did her job good for her)).

And Gangle. Oh sweet Gangle. Ever the bottom of the dog pile, ever the hurt and wounded one, needs to be loved, wants to be loved, but can't ask. So instead she matches her mask to what the people need (or to a tantrum that perhaps This Time someone will care about, maybe, please). Gangle gets to be in charge in ep 4 and immediately becomes Boss From Hell. This is a person who wants to have attention paid to her, but also who feels undeserving or too unimportant. So when given control, of course she doesn't know how to do it in a way that works. It just isn't in her wheelhouse! And whew, everyone has caused heaps of trouble during the circus, but the one time she causes chaos, she blames herself and settles away outside of the group. But she is trying to pursue a sense of self by trying different masks, trying different ways to fit in. She can mask, and will mask, but her sense of self claws out. Her emotional, sensitive self. Tears of a crybaby are easy to write off. Contentment/happiness are even easier to write off. But uncomfortable emotions beg to be seen and heard. Manic mask(?) was extreme in a way that is uncomfortable for the others, and for herself, as it caused a weird little freaky outburst (like anger, jealousy, etc - they result in choice words and actions fairly often). I said good for her even while I was scared of her ngl good for her for real. She can mask fine, she just doesn't truly want to. She does, to make things work. But it's clear from the beginning that masking is just a gimmick to play along and feel part of something, it's clear she's just aching to feel something real and honest. And, just as Ragatha/Jax and Zooble can't get along, Gangle also can't get along with them; she isn't good at playing house. They both aren't into playing house, they want to express something real, either through correct body parts, or through hobbies (like art).

These groups fundamentally form and overlap where they intersect. There are dynamics that are clear, and dynamics that are untapped. Those who can play house, those who won't play house, and those who don't even know what street the dang house is on.

In conclusion

Shit I'm bad at conclusions..

TL;DR

That sounds less daunting. The characters all represent something to me that I think is cool :) and also may not matter at all in the grander scheme! I am always trying to think of the "what do they want" concept when they interact with adventures/caine/each other. Jax is the most interesting to me because he's the best masker on the team. "But he's just like that" you cry. No~ there's something that does that, even if it's nothing you notice. Breathing in tobacco smoke can still give you lung diseases - even if you didn't smoke! Kinger is my fav though uwu I'm an Ice King enthusiast ofc I'm gonna pick up another traumatised and confused old man he's in my basket rn as we speak.

Anyway hope you enjoyed my writing style, this is just how I like to talk. And I felt it was on theme with the vibes of the show hahahaha hope you had fun - also it's 1am, forgive me if I went off topic like 60 times 🥰 I swear I had something to say!

[lukazade]

I can't really put it into words but Gangle throwing off her mask (ep 4) reminded me a lot of Pomni trying to get out of the exit (ep 1)

The music direction and the vibe were like same/similar but one was evil (until the door opened) and one was good (until the truck came by)? Idk what this could mean (it's 11:30pm I'm tired) but I'm thinking about it rotating it there's something there. They happen at similar timestamps too.

Also (because of the above AND the overwhelming B+ grade AND some other things) I'm thinking the circus is hitting the.. [purgatory/sisyphus/the good place/ride the cyclone/not quite truly dead yet] points in my brain. Idk tho this is just vibes! This category of things. And I think the point behind the purgatory is something to do with "correctly" completing the adventures. Which is to say incorrectly. Prove humanity by being human (unpredictable/sporadic/neurotic/angry/panicked). Or something.

Idk. Tired!

[lukazade]

Some more pen doodles in the sketchbook oh I miss the pc I miss the undo button I miss the erase tool 💔

[lukazade]

In my opinion, when he was younger, after Dick witnessed a little spat/fight between Bruce and Clark that resulted in them not talking for like a whole week, he noticed that Bruce got broodier without Superman to bounce ideas around with, and decided he would help them out in the only way he (a small teen) knows how.

So he buys one of those best friend half-heart charms (yk what I mean, like one side says "best" and the other says "friends" etc) and he gives one half to Bruce who's like omg.. to share.. and then he gives the other half to Clark who's similarly pleased to be sharing a best friend locket with Dick.

But THEN, at a JL meeting or whatever, Batman notices that Superman has half of the same type of locket he has, and Superman notices him noticing, which prompts him to proudly gloat that Robin shared it with him, because they're best friends. But Batman has already low-key clocked on so he just sighs and reveals that he hid his under his glove or something, and he's like, "yeah me too." At which point Superman gets it, too. And they're both like a little embarrassed because Dick (a child) wanted to repair them from their (adults) argument, and it's a little shameful that he felt the need to step in. And they both kind of want to keep the charms because they are actually technically from Dick, and they aren't exactly upset to have a little matching charm either, so long as the others don't find out because there's no way they won't get bullied about it. So they decide to both go and pick out some charms of their own to share with him, too.

Of course, they're just little trinkets, and they break and tarnish fairly fast - but you can find the remnants of them deep in drawers in the manor, shoved in the edges of boxes during house-moves, or maybe sitting somewhere, left in the pocket of an old, out-of-use batman suit, a remnant of the first kid in their lives.

[lukazade]

Collection of pen sketches I've been doing in the sketchbook while on holidayyyy... want to get back to the pc so I can draw some big arts..

[lukazade]

It was just supposed to be stephcass and like.. goofy sleep styles, but then it became an emotional moment napping in front of the fire, and then Damian joined in because there was just a big empty space that I needed to fill, and I believe he gets excited when Steph comes to visit the manor (which happens like all the time) so he just hangs around when she's there lmao

[lukazade]

i was in a thrift shop the other day and they were playing the most unsettling variations of normal christmas music, culminating in this rendition of the 12 days of christmas except it was like 12 guys all singing over each other and going “no!” and interrupting the lyrics with random other phrases until they deadass just started singing 5 golden rings to toto’s africa. can anyone confirm that this is a real song and not that i stroked so hard i astral projected into a universe where everything is somehow worse than it is here

[lukazade]

[the reference]

I need to practice freehanding + working with references, because fun fact about me, my mental library is fuelled by neurodivergence, but I feel a need to practice working from other angles ie. from visible references (the references usually live inside my head). I also drew it on one layer only + didn't undo anything (eraser was a-okay!) because I need to stop being afraid of mistakes and just smash it out ykyk

note: the clean one is multi-layers because I took a bit of a confidence hit and needed to remind myself I can do art hahaha

[lukazade]

New song time babyyyy!

[lukazade]

When u take your basement dweller to the park, make sure to give him plenty of shade!

[lukazade]

Hello 👋 my ❤ friends ! I am asking you to support my newly created campaign to help my family survive the gruesome war over Gaza to safety and ✌ peace. Life has become incredibly harsh, tough and full of hardship and painful suffering. We lack all he basic living essentials and necessities such as food, water , medicine and other needs. The war has made our life hopeless and desperate. My six-member family has been going through the hardest days they have ever experience for almost eleven months due to the disastrous war. The war has taken every beautiful thing from us, leaving us homeless, displaced and jobless. The rising prices of all necessary items of life has complicated our living conditions especially when all our savings were spent over the least necessities and needs. So I am now asking you to lessen and minimize our burdens and loads of life through your contribution. You can help my family survive through donating whatever you can or reposting my messages. Yours Rewaa

https://gofund.me/07f652e2https

www.paypal.com/paypalme/MAHRAMAN

This campaign was vetted by @/gaza-ev 444

[their gofundme] 💖

[lukazade]

Today December 7,2024 - the campaign is 😭

1220$/55,000$

Hello dear! Iam Nuha from Gaza-Palestine. Thank you for looking at us with compassion and I ask you to support my campaign to help me achieve my goal. I am in dire need of your support now to help my family survive and be safe. Gaza is a very dangerous place both in terms of living and life. I need your financial support to enable me to get the basic needs for my family until the Rafah crossing is reopened to transport my family to safety and peace. Please help a family survive through 🙏🌹

Vetted by @gazavetters, my number verified on the list is ( #157 )

[their gofundme] 💖

[lukazade]

⛔If you ignore this, you are condemning me and my family to death. My previous GoFundMe account has been deleted and I collected 20% of my campaign on it. All donations were returned to the people who donated, so I hope you will donate to me again 😭

Hello, I am Fadl, I was injured in the Gaza war and I cannot bear the pain

Please donate to save my life, I need the costs of the surgery urgently

I apologize for what I am going to ask, I am in severe pain, sadness and exhaustion. Unfortunately, the situation has become difficult after my injury and the deterioration of my health

Just donate $20 from each person, $20 will save my life and my family from death in Gaza

I lost part of my family and my home and now I will lose myself and everything

I do not know if I will survive or die in this war, but I know that your help will contribute to saving me and my family from death.

My campaign was funded by @90-ghost and @gazavetters

https://gofund.me/4dbe692a

[their gofundme] 💖