#this topic means a lot to me as someone who has struggled with depression for as long as i can remember

[dreamsy990]

i think we should pay more attention to the mental health of younger kids instead of telling them theyre just trying to be "cool" and are "faking it for attention" actually

[deathbyamantadine]

James Wilson has an anxiety disorder and I’m going to tell everyone about it.

That was a really long title and pointless. I could have stopped after the first six words.

Anyways, hi, hello, if you don’t know me, my name is James and I really like James Wilson. I also like writing a lot. I also have an anxiety disorder. That led to this amalgamation of headcanons and thoughts about James Wilson.

So, I don’t even know how to start this. Fair warning, I have completely canon divergent headcanons with no canon evidence and just pure projection. I also use commas way too much.

Besides projection, why do I think he has anxiety? Well, I relate to him a lot and lots of his canon social behaviors do reflect my experience as well as others’ experiences with GAD or SAD. I think it goes ignored a lot with Wilson that a lot of his behaviors like people pleasing or having few friends is actually symptom of anxiety. Also, anxiety and depression are often comorbid or associated. In the show, specially that Social Contract episode, it’s SUPER apparent. As someone who headcanons he has both, his “I don’t have to worry around you” monologue to House could be read as a symptom/sign of GAD or ASD. I’m not going to get into my personal social anxieties and such, but I relate to that monologue HEAVILY. Stressing about what you say and having to mask your anxiety around people who don’t understand is a lot. There’s like, two people I can talk to without stressing the fuck out. Back to Wilson, though. His fear of breaking rules is also Anxiety™️ Symptom #1000. He is the most typical man ever on the show, or at least outwardly appears as one. He often fidgets with his hands while he talks and I know that’s because RSL is a stage actor but a guy can dream, alright?

People pleasing. Oh, boy. I could talk about this one for hours. James Wilson loves pleasing people, it doesn’t mean loving people for some but it does for him. He constantly needs to be needed, he always has to be helping, yet he’s never helped. He doesn’t want to speak the things he’s feeling because he feels that means being a burden!! that means being wrong!! that means letting people down!! He likely enjoys being with House so much because he knows it’s impossible to let him down, he doesn’t have to necessarily worry about pleasing him because House is like, very aware of what he’s thinking. House doesn’t give a fuck about what people feel most of the time.

Onto the less canon stuff and just more headcanon and/or projection stuff:

He has obsessive interests he uses to cope, like films. I’m basing that off of his posters and also… myself. This is projection, here.

He cannot do a lot in a short span of time. Worrying takes a lot of his energy and he needs recovery days. He’ll often just sleep for over 12 hours because he had to talk a lot and that means worrying and preplanning everything he was going to say.

He was either late-diagnosed or doesn’t even realize he has anxiety. Yes, he’s a doctor, that sounds odd but let me explain. Men around his age, but also in general, aren’t too open about their mental health struggles. They just think it’s normal. If he was late diagnosed, it was likely when he was seeking out a depression diagnosis. Off topic but can we talk about that for a moment? The show ignored that after the one mention. Season four spoilers ahead so skip to the next bullet point if you’re not there. Here are some filler words so people can scroll. Yadda yadda yadda. HIS GIRLFRIEND DIED!! THAT WOULD FUCK WITH ANYONE BUT ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WITH MDD!! Also, he’s medicated. Medication typically means it was affecting his day to day life. Medication means admitting something wasn’t right and that was likely very hard for him!! Anyways.

His first panic attack scared the living hell out of him. If he was young and still living with his family, he didn’t want to be a burden. He sat in his room sobbing for hours on end because he didn’t understand why his body was doing this. (Chest pain, shaking, not listening to him repeating Calm Down like a mantra, etc.) If he was older, I imagine he likely still didn’t tell anyone but it scared him for a different reason. It meant to him that he was broken. It meant to him that he needed something. He needed help and that scared him.

Intrusive thoughts. I imagine they got worse after S4 finale happened. That’s really it.

Coping? What’s that? He just ignores it.

Once again, breaking rules horrifies him.

That’s all. Goodbye. I do see the possibility of a lot of these being interpreted as ASD but I have a whole other post for that, maybe. Comment any thoughts and feelings. Be nice.

[unknowinglydeceasedlol]

idk who needs to hear this but you *can* relate to someone’s struggles with a specific disorder without having said disorders

it’s honestly one of my biggest frustrations when you’re venting about a disorder you have or see people talking about it online and then you see people chime in “omg I didn’t think I had this but I relate to this so I have it!” and i don’t mean those people who have genuine concerns about having a specific disorder. (fyi, if you have genuine concerns regarding a specific disorder you may have, this isn’t about you!! it’s perfectly valid to stumble upon a disorder you didn’t know existed that explains your situation perfectly and have questions about it <3)

i’ll use this as an example but if someone is currently struggling through cancer and they vent to you about extreme exhaustion and fatigue, most people wouldn’t be like “omg I feel exhausted and fatigued too!! i must have cancer!” but would probably say something along the lines of “ive struggled through exhaustion and fatigue myself due to other reasons so i can understand what you’re going through and how you feel.” it’s okay to have questions about disorders and want to know more to maybe better situations you’re going through/ are in but just seeing one thing you relate to and claiming a whole disorder because of it can be very damaging to the people who have said disorders.

as someone with a cluster b personality disorder, there’s already so much stigma around them and that’s excluding all my other disorders/ problems. i’ve seen people who have no idea what BPD is, relate to a small portion of it, claim it as something they have with no research into it or professional advice, and then unknowingly play into stereotypes or spread more stigma about it. there’s so much more to a disorder than one or two things you see someone posting about. there’s also a lot of other things someone could have that also change how disorders present themselves in different people.

a person can have disorder A and vent about it but what you don’t know is that they also have disorder B, C, D, and E. although their main post is about disorder A, disorder C, D and E can also be big factors in it without you knowing. you might be relating more to the disorder C and E aspect of it over the “main” disorder A part of it than you really realize.

the purpose of me saying all this is not to be hateful, “gatekeep”, discourage people who genuinely have concerns, want to participate in genuine conversations about these topics, or for any other malicious reason. im just coming at this as a person to who’s genuinely really exhausted. it’s already so hard living with certain disorders and then you see people online who glorify, romanticize, or even fetishize certain disorders while cause harm to those people who genuinely suffer from it.

i stumbled upon someone’s post on a different platform and her whole shtick was “i have BPD but I’m uber normal abt it and not bat shit insane like literally everyone else who has it + having FPs is totally amazing and not super draining and exhausting” and it was honestly heartbreaking. her whole reasoning for having bpd was that she got obsessive over people she was in love with so therefore it was her FPs and got depressed if they didn’t spend time with her.

if you’re genuinely curious and have real concerns, please do your hardest to research it and/ or seek professional advice if possible. don’t put others who have the disorder down when they don’t meet or work with your agenda. thank you.

[sunthyme]

Hehehe. Part two baby! Be prepared! (Pun absolutely intended) Also, to the people who are yelling the the tags, I love you guys! I read them all and I can't say thank you enough. It genuinely means a ton!🩷🩷🩷

Enough of me being sappy,

🌻Savanaclaw🌻

Disclaimer: Savanaclaw is like lowkey my favourite dorm, not in terms of redesigns but I love the characters. Huge Leona fan and Jack and Ruggie are my children so I will not stop talking about them. You have been warned.

First up, though y'all have seen him already,

♟️Leona Kingscholar♟️

(he/him) - Unlabelled but doesn't care about gender

I snuck in a lil treat of my work in progress housewarden card. The jumpscare it was to toggle my version with the og card underneath, y'all. Am I making my version of pretty much all his cards? Yes. Will they ever be finished? Who knows? Anyways, onto the headcanons...

- Physically, I feel like I changed a lot and not a lot at the same time. I gave him some more scars which I guarantee you are from really stupid accidents.

- Piercing on his ears just cause I felt they fit him and snakebites because (I'm so down bad for them) it gave the illusion of fangs even with his mouth closed. Gave him moles cause they're pretty.

- I textured his hair and gave him a shit ton more because if the og design won't AT LEAST give him fluffier hair, what's the point? Yana Toboso, if you don't give this man a high ponytail in the Clubwear Card, I will hunt you down. Also made his front, larger braids the colour of Cheka's (And presumably Farena's) hair because honestly? They didn't really look similar enough? Also threw in some smaller braid to 'tie' them in more (haha).

- Someone gave him like this cool inverted pupil due to a scene in the movie but I simplified it to basically heterochromia.

- This might be hardly noticeable but I give give him slightly more muscle? I felt it suited him more idk.

- Onto non-physical headcanons, he has 💕depression💕! This is kinda not up for debate given how much he exemplifies the symptoms. Hell, he made me realise that I may have depression cause I was like, "Damn, he's so relatable, not wanting to get out of bed, no motivation to do anything, struggling to care of himself. He just like me frfr- oh..."

- By the way, I see a lot of people talking about Ruggie's reaction to the fallout of Book 2 but I think that on Leona's side, he felt horrible and probably locked himself away for a WHILE. I think his mental state must have been terrible and I'm SO PISSED HIS FCKING PROBLEMS NEVER GOT BROUGHT AGAIN WTF! Well, I'm on Book 4 so maybe???

- Anyways, I saw someone posit he could also be autistic, more on the asymptomatic side which is actually growing on me a lot. Picky eater, doesn't like tighter clothes, not fond of loud noises, smaller things but I'm a fan.

- Really random but I like the idea that he's one of those people who kids love for literally no reason, he just doesn't like to be around them.

- Is actually extremely book smart, though that's kinda already canon but I mean this bitch was a nerd when he was younger. Knows way too much on various topics, especially about his homeland.

- He can purr. I know lion's can't but there are literal mer and fae. He's just a big kitty. My and Idia like 🤞 when it comes to thinking of Leona as just a big meow. I have a cat who doesn't like anyone but I'm her favourite, I could win him over.

I could talk about him for sooooo long tbh so I'll shut up now.

Anyways, now for my boy,

💸Ruggie Bucchi💸

(he/she) Bigender - Biromantic Asexual

God I love my bigender child.

- I made him black, though probably mixed and gave him vitiligo for both visual flavour and a mild(?) reference to like hyena spots?

- He originally was going to have her hair down but then I realised how many of them had their natural hair already so I gave him dreads? I'll have to render them out at some point.

- Gave her more scars too, since she grew up in a more rough environment. Made his eyes really big and cute 'cause I feel like she can get extras when she hits 'em with the puppy eyes.

- Probably got mad ADHD, has to constantly be fiddling with something or another. Wears spinny rings a lot. He's actually really good at paying attention in class and likes to learn.

- Steals from Leona, whether it's money or items or clothes he leaves out (which, while Leona would never admit, he purposefully leaves out for Ruggie).

- Oh and a post pointed out that hyenas can purr, so have fun with that.

That's mostly it for now, but expect this list to grow lmao.

Now for,

💪Jack Howl💪

(he/him) - Queer (he doesn't know lol, just knows he likes dudes at this point)

Not me struggling to find a weight emoji (I failed) 😭😭😭

- Ah, I made a reference in the Heartslabyul post about my concern about darker skinned characters with white hair and I was mainly talking about Jack. I also had to make Kiki, and I figured that wolves have pretty naturally salt-and-pepper hair, so why not. I actually love how it looks omg, it's very pretty and marbled.

- Gave him darker skin, since I headcanon him as black but I did see someone who designed him as indigenous so it might change in the future idk. Also it makes his eyes almost glow and I love that for him.

- He gets more scars too, though likely from sports rather than fights or anything.

- He's autistic. Apologies that so many of them are autistic to me, not only am I autistic but like, the way they're written speaks to me. His whole moral compass being the reason for Book 2 playing out like it did was an immediate 'yes' from me. He's my boy and my son and I will fistfight anyone that smack talks him (looking at those Savannaclaw NPCs in one of Deuce's vignettes).

- Oh, I forgot. He listens to K-Pop. I don't know if it?s canon that he has younger siblings, though I totally think he does, but one of them accidentally got him into K-Pop and J-Pop so whenever he's at the gym, that's what he's listening to lmao. Specifically girl groups, he likes them enough that he knows all their names. He insists it's out of respect, which it is but he's also lowkey a stan too lol.

- Generally has a weakness for cute things, even if he doesn't show it. Also a total plant nerd omg. He could instruct you on pretty much any houseplant on how much sunlight and water it needs, seasonal changes, etc.

Final note is that I'll make a separate post about him and Epel, cause I love them and have some headcanons there too.

Now for my ocs!

💎Kiki Adebayo💎

Third Year - (she/her) Transfem - Aromantic Demisexual Sapphic

- Twisted from Rafiki? I think that's his name, the baboon. I'm crying sobbing throwing up that you can't see her eyes in this.

- She got the white hair since the fur on a baboon is directly white and took inspiration from Dislyte's Isis design. Her eyes are a pale gold like her earrings and she has red to blue eye shadow.

- Natural resting bitch face but she's just tired most of the time. She'd probably be the actual vice housewarden as I think her family has been close to Leona's for a long time, though she earned her spot with her own skills.

- Additionally, I wouldn't call her and Leona 'childhood friends' but she's known him for a long time. She's like, concerned about him as he's changed so much but she also worries that it's not her place. As a result, she tries to make sure Ruggie's not taking on too much and handles most of the dormhead duties herself.

God, she's so pretty omg anyways

👟Mandisa Jelani👟

Second Year - (they/she) Demi-girl - Pansexual

- Mandisa is also based on the hyenas, though I don't know if her and Ruggie are from the same pack necessarily.

- I gave her scars, moles, and some piercings as well, I just felt like they'd suit her.

- I think she and Jack would be relatively similar in terms of personality, I see her being the gruffer upperclassmen. I think she'd be rather protective of the first years, knowing how harsh the older dorm members can be and she does her best to make everyone feel welcome.

Next up,

🤘Rocío Chávez🤘

Second Year - (she/her but doesn't really care) Transfem - Panromantic Asexual

You'll never guess who she's based on /j

- My girlie based on Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove! Yes, she is a big and buff bimbo? Himbo? I don't know but she's got a heart of gold and head empty.

- I wanted to keep her physique cause it always annoys me when people genderbend a character but don't keep them proportional to their og design. Mini tangent over, she so silly I love her.

- She and my Yzma character met as first years and have been inseparable since, though I'll talk more about that later.

- Not a massive ton of characterisation sine it's been a while since I've seen this movie too but I'm always open to suggestions.

Finally, my silly

🎸Abayomi Furaha🎸

First Year - (she/they/it) Nonbinary - Bisexual

- My final baby from Savanaclaw, also based on a hyena. Specifically the lil bug-eyed one, but I gave her a lazy eye instead. Not sure how well that comes across but I tried.

- She's got scars, was definitely bullied as a kid and I think that once the dorm members consider her a part of the pack, they'd be super overprotective as a result.

- That being said, she's more than capable of defending herself as she's good at various martial arts.

- She's into rock music and joined the music club as a result. Probably a drummer or guitarist as I think she's insecure about her voice.

- She and Mandisa are quite close and she convinced them to dye the edges of her hair red. Abayomi wanted touch up hers and managed to get Mandisa in on to lol.

That's all for now! Stay tuned for Octavinelle and thank you so much for reading!

[chaosduckies]

Friends In Small Places (Chapter 4)

As I’ve mentioned when I had first started writing this, this piece is meant to be gloomy. So, I give you the fearplay chapter. I’m so sorry for the delay, but I hope you enjoy! (I have no idea how to feel about this scene-) Also, I get to put my three years of spanish classes to use :D (Translations are included)

Word Count: 3.5k

CW: Anxiety, panic attacks, slight gore mentioned

4-Liam 

A week can pass by quickly. 

Cas and I have been slowly getting to know each other a little more. Not a whole lot since some topics were a little too hard for him to talk about. Classes at college were getting even more tiring, and before I could ask to take the classes online it turns out that they had already handled it when I brought up the subject. So, now I was practically staying at Cas’s house almost all of the time. Although it isn’t too bad, I’ve noticed something about his behavior. He likes to stay close by me. 

It’s not a bad thing, I’m not complaining at all, it’s just that it’s nerve wracking whenever he asks if I’m okay with him sitting near me. I’m not used to him all that much. I know most people are fine with being around shifters but of course I’ve believed all my life that most shifters were scary, intimidating even. It’ll just take some time to get used to living with one I guess. After all, I was supposed to be a therapist. 

Today I was just writing some notes while Cas sat on the floor, a bright smile on his face as he looked at his phone. I was about to ask what that was about, but then I remembered him telling me something about seeing his parents sometimes this week. Was that today? If it was I should probably get ready. The only thing I knew was that I was required to be there the entire time. They didn’t tell me what was going to happen, how long it would be, but I’m sure Cas would tell me on our way there. 

I shut my computer closed, placing my notebook on top of it before shoving it into my bag and glancing over at Cas. He seemed excited to meet with his parents. I would be too if I had been separated for however long. Then again I live in an entire different city than my parents. They do like calling every once in a while though. I don’t think they let Cas have his own parents phone number. 

“Excited?” I mumbled, walking a little bit closer. I’m pretty sure we’ll have to leave soon. It was already noon and I was mainly waiting on a text or a call that explains that his parents were ready to see him. For some reason he’s not allowed to go in early which I find is kind of irrational, but I can’t just go against them. Heck, I wasn’t even supposed to be part of this organization. 

“Mhm. Last time we were only allowed an hour to talk.” He smiled sadly at me, still looking positive about today’s outcome. I do hope he gets to see them today. I think he needs this. But I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as excited to see their parents as Cas was. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, but how old are you?” I asked, looking up curiously. He can’t be more than three years younger than me. He doesn’t go to school, and I doubt he’s any older than myself. 

“Eighteen. I know, I act like a child.” He chuckled, messing with his hands. Nervous? I don’t really think I could do anything about that. Actually, for someone who has depression and struggles with emotions, he doesn’t lose control a whole lot. Only ever twice has he in front of me, minus the times where he starts growing a couple feet from either watching someone thing or thinking about something. I try my hardest to shut it down before anything bad could happen. Last time I freaked out and couldn’t do anything useful to help him. 

“I don’t think you act like a child.” I laughed, hearing my phone go off. I hurried to pick it up, seeing Cas quite literally beam with a shocked smile. I told them we’d be right there, and then carefully climbed into his hands. Today would be a good day. I don’t know why I get the feeling something bad will happen. It’s just the way they had sounded on the phone… 

——————

The building looked relatively normal on the outside, with a fancy look that had screamed “We’re rich,” there were different sized doors, but what caught me off guard was that there was an entire security system right at the front that makes sure you’r not bringing a weapon. Cas set me down near the human-sized doors, telling me to just do what they say and we’ll eventually meet up again. It’s kind of awkward taking instructions from someone younger than me, but he’s been here for much, much longer. 

I went through security, answered a few questions, like who I was with, how long I would prefer the visit time be, mostly questions about Cas if I were being honest. Was this why he was only allowed a singular hour to talk last time? Because he had someone else? I don’t really mind spending a few hours here. What could go wrong? I answered as long as Cas and his parents were going to be here. I’d feel bad if I set a time limit. Plus, I’m sure his parents would love to spend some more time with him. 

Eventually they lead me to a huge waiting room, where I was guessing I would be able to keep an eye on Cas. I was I trusted to stay in there in case something goes wrong, but I sincerely doubt it. What was there to be upset about in the first place? I think everything would be fine. I was just staying on the sidelines anyways. Maybe meet his parents, talk for a while. Heck, maybe I’ll even get to know a little more about him. Cas doesn’t answer some questions I have. All for good reason I hope, it’s not like I was going to force it out of him anyways. That would just be plain wrong. 

Out side of the room, Cas had walked in, standing up near the platform I was guessing they’d be at. Weren’t they supposed to take me up there too? A woman wearing a suit walked into my holding room, taking a seat right next to me, “Kayla Cruz. I was Casper’s old therapist.” She giggled, holding her hand out. Oh? What was she doing here then? Why was she replaced by me of all people? She certainly looked like she was more trained for this job than I was. Something wasn’t right here. 

“Oh, um, Liam Rover. It’s nice to meet you.” I smiled, shaking her offered hand and watching as Three people wearing a guard outfit instructed Cas about something to which he nodded to. Wasn’t I supposed to be up there? I think I know which way to go to get up to him. I guess I can wait an extra couple of minutes. I have no idea why, but I had a bad feeling about everything. Maybe I could ask Ryan later? I know the person he was placed with is a shifter who can only reduce their size, was this really any different? I’d have to ask. 

The woman next to me watched, a frown on her face as she looked at Cas, a worried look on his face. His eyes darted all around the room, still waiting for when his parents walk through the safety of the doors high above where I was sitting. Was it supposed to take this long? Why was I the one worried? Was it just a feeling? 

Th woman next to me glared at me from the corner of her eye, a smirk appearing on her face, “They told you he was meeting with his parents today?” She leaned back in the seat. I nodded my head, confused. “It’s technically true, but the company has deemed Casper here too mentally unstable to meet with anyone but shifters and his corresponding therapist, which would be you.” 

My heart sank. 

What the hell. This was just wrong! I have to go up there before they do anythi- I stared up at the platform, seeing a singular guard walk in, say something to Cas, have a short conversation that made his eyes grow wide and slide slowly down the metal-looking wall behind him. My eyes darted around the room, searching for a door to go and help him. Of course I was terrified about what they’ve done, mostly the outcome of what’s about to happen, but it’s not like I can just leave him here. I know what they do to shifters who can’t control their emotions. Their either sent off to a special captivity prison, or they… I can’t think about that right now. I am not about to become the reason Cas gets sent to a place like that. I don’t have the heart in me to do so. 

I found a door that looked like it lead to the room, and almost as if they knew I was searching for it, it unlocked. I threw it open, rushing out, my heart beating fast and uncontrollable. My legs were about to give out from underneath me, breath shaky, my mind screaming at me to get the hell out of here. But I don’t. I knew what was about to happen. They weren’t letting Cas see his parents. I heard slight screaming and yelling in another room that sounded like a woman’s and crying from a kid. But I didn’t focus on that right now. I was more worried about the situation in front of me. 

What do I do? Something tells me this isn’t going to be anything like that other time. Cas has always watched how he reacts to things, what he does, but right now he’s not. He’s most definitely depressed, and there was just something else I couldn’t pin point. People do dumb things while they’re upset. They regret it all later, so it would be best if I make sure Cas doesn’t so anything he’ll regret. Because then that’s an entire different problem to deal with after this one. 

“Cas!” I managed to scream at the top of my lungs, knees buckling underneath me, but I force them to keep me standing upright as his gaze falls onto me. I jumped, chest heaving up and down as I struggled to find the words to say. My body was frozen in fear, not even able to move a single limb from it’s place. He winced when his legs uncomfortably hit the wall opposite of him. I didn’t know what to do. It’s almost like… they wanted him to lash out. Why would they want that? Soon enough, guards ran in, yelling orders while one tugged at me to head back inside, but I didn’t move. Instead, I rushed forward, avoiding the somehow careful limbs that were trying to move into a compact position on the floor. 

A guard was running after me, but I guess someone held him back since I was somehow gaining ground when I was running extremely slow and tripping every once in a while. I found Cas’s head, seeing him scrunched up as much as he could manage as of right now. He laid on the ground, arms and hands covering his face and knees up against the chest. He still realizes that he can hurt people. Maybe I can actually do this? Still, the size difference between us is huge. 

Cas wasn’t crying or anything. Just mumbling words I surprisingly couldn’t make out. He didn’t sound angry. Just upset. That makes it easier to deal with. People do horrible things out of anger. And I could only imagine how devastating it would be if Cas wasn’t thoughtful enough to watch himself. 

I found his head, buried underneath his arms and muttering incomprehensible words to himself. He groaned a bit, slightly turning his body to face the wall, moving his arms away from his face to lay them down. I guess he didn’t see that I was so close to him because his arm almost killed me. I quickly jumped out the way just before I would’ve been nothing but a pile of flesh and bones on the ground. My heart skipped a beat, unable to stare at the spot on the ground where I could’ve died. My breathing became a ragged, and the sounds close to me were slightly muffled, but it’s not like anyone was saying anything important to me. 

Cas turned his head, eyes meeting my frozen minuscule frame and gasping. He moved his arm away from me, doing his best to slowly sit up without alarming the multiple guards in the room, along with the weapons they probably have imbedded in the room itself. I could tell he was still upset, but right now I was too focused on the fact that I could have died. That reminded me just how much power Cas had over me. Even if I was the one who was watching over him. 

“L-Liam I-I’m so sorry I didn’t mean-“ He tried apologizing, voice hitching just before sucked in a sharp breath. My entire body was shaky, but I forced my legs to push me back up and walk over to the towering being. More people had walked in, Cas pressed his back closer to the wall scared. He knew what was going to happen. I knew what was going to happen. I just had to make sure it wasn’t the worst possible outcome of the the two. I don’t think I could handle the guilt that way. 

The week I’ve spent with Cas has been amazing really. Even though sometimes I get a little jumpy from the fast movements, or feel uncomfortable at times when he’s around me, Cas really isn’t bad at all. We’ve hung out for a while, watched movies, played a few games. I think we’re friends? With that thought in mind I’d hate to see them take him to a place he doesn’t even deserve to be in. Of course I was afraid of him still, instincts and all, but I don’t want him to end up being alone. 

I stood up, taking shaky breaths as I tried my hardest to stay upright. Come on I’m not even hurt- I was just terrified. Shocked. A little unstable right now even. If I had tried talking to Cas now he wouldn’t hear me. The distance between my and himself was huge. I looked back up at him, taking deep breaths. He stared worriedly at the people making their way in, looking ready to advance if he tries anything. 

“I’m not scared. I’m totally fine.” I kept muttering to myself. It usually worked when I felt like this. It’s what my dad would keep telling me. Little did he know that I was terrified of everything going on around me right now. 

Cas’s attention turned to me, a hand reaching taking up my vision as I stood frozen in fear. The next the thing I knew I was pinched tightly between two of his fingers, arms pinned to my sides and barely able to move any part of my body. The pressure against my chest increased, threatening to break my ribs. That was the least of my worries. I couldn’t breathe right now. 

“I-I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you like that!” He freaked out, holding me dangerously close to his face. He’s not being his usual careful self, but that was expected when a person was upset. I gasped for air, trying to free my arms from the prison I was in currently, but Cas just kept looking over the the people on the ground that was far, far below me and muttering words in a language I couldn’t hear. 

My heart was racing fast as my lungs had begged me for air. I managed to free one of my arms, and I forced my voice to work for once, “Cas!” 

“…Lo siento. Lo siento mucho. Estoy arruinando todo...” (*Translation: I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. I’m ruining everything…*)He kept on muttering over and over again, and it just makes me wish I had paid attention to my spanish classes in high school. Something about him being sorry? I think have much, much bigger problems at hand though. 

Cas shifted me in his literal death grip, allowing me to breathe, but he was pressing down harder, and a sharp pain erupted from my leg, but I was fueled by the adrenaline. 

“Cas!” I screamed again, trying to pull myself out of his grip. His eyes darted to me, wide and shocked. It took him a moment to realize, but he let go, laying me down in his open palm, running a hand through his hair. I coughed for air, wincing when I checked out the leg that felt like it was on fire. Most likely broken, but nothing I couldn’t handle. It was fine though. I know he didn’t mean to. But still, my fear never wavered at the fact that he could quite literally kill me by not even trying to. 

“¿Estás bien? I-I didn’t mean to-“ I nodded my head, biting down hard on the bottom of my lip. It’s okay, you know him good enough to know that he wouldn’t do any of this on purpose. I had to remind myself before gathering up my remaining courage to actually do my job. 

“Cas, just take a few breaths, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong.” I had only hoped he heard over how shaky my voice was. He slowly nodded his head, I closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them the ground wouldn’t be so far from me. When I peaked out, the ground was a bit closer, people stood on the ground, frozen in either fear or shock. I calmed my heart down enough to actually get a few more words in. 

“Feeling a little better?” I asked, putting on the best smile I could manage right now. He slightly nodded again, continuing to take slow breaths. 

“What happened?” I asked calmly, genuinely worried about what was said before I rushed in through here. Cas eyes me sadly, wincing, “I won’t… be able to see my parents for a long time.” He whispered, suddenly aware of everything around him again. He moved further into the wall, away from the people below us. 

“And that means?…” He bit the bottom of his lip, “Apparently I’m too unstable to even see my own family.” He sighed, and I could tell he wanted to cry, but he knew what would happen if he gave into those feelings. 

“I-I have a little brother. He loves trying to climb up anything he can,” He started laughing sadly, “You can imagine how much fun he has when he and my parents come for visits.” He sniffled a little, smiling. Oh. Oh. He’s calming down in his own way. 

Why was the world so adamant on having people watch over the “dangerous” shifters? Cas doesn’t need me… and maybe shifters don’t actually need anyone to watch over them. 

“Yeah?” I smiled, laughing with him while he seemed to have calmed down. 

“… I’m sorry, Liam.” He pressed me up agianst the bridge of his nose, this time a lot more gentle. I winced from the sharp pain in my leg, but sucked it up. I think Cas needs this. Even if I was scared he’d accidentally hurt me again. 

Cas let me down, facing the crowd on the ground that had rushed to help me up, limping the entire way until multiple people were talking behind me, rushing into places. I turned back, ignoring the warning from the people helping me. Cas gave a sad smile as the red band on his wrists started blinking, clasping themselves together like magnetic handcuffs. Cas sighed. 

I heard people in another room yelling, even a child’s voice. It’s his parents. I gasped, finding a door to another room I haven’t been in, seeing a guard and a person with a suit and tie in there. Through the small window, I saw a tall man trying to comfort his wife, who sat crying on the bench while the child stared, screaming at the guard to let him see his brother. My heart sank. 

They weren’t going to kill Cas. I knew they wouldn’t. I just hoped I would be allowed to see him in the hospital they’ll be placing him in. This wasn’t right. Not at all. 

——————

Aghhh plot build up my beloved. This chapter leads up to something reallyyy important for later.

Aww all Cas wanted was to see his little brother 🥺

I hope you enjoyed! I have no idea how to feel about this chapter if I’m being honest, but I hope it’s alright TwT work is affecting my writing grahhhh. Thank you for reading though!

The drawing I did for this chapter is right here!

Taglist: @da3dm (If you would like to be added, leave a note or dm me! :D)

[dandydingo]

Why I’m Leaving Freelance Commission Work An essay about doing furry commissions by DandyDingo

Preamble  First and foremost I’d like to state that this is not a post geared toward complaining about commissioners or fellow artists in my industry. I’ve simply noticed a concerning disconnect between commissioners and artists about several topics and wanted to make something that explains, clarifies, and elaborates on some of those issues.

I love the community I’m a part of and would like to see it do better! Though it’s a meme that if you want to make money as an artist you should become a furry, it’s actually a double edged sword that I’ll be trying my best to pick apart and display. The following points I’ll be rambling about are also based on my personal experiences working in this type of career for 3 years. I am by no means the most qualified but I’m not the least qualified either; this to say please take what I say with a grain of salt. It won’t apply to all situations!

With those disclaimers out of the way, get ready for a whole lot of reading!

What is this job and how does it work? Typically when someone is referring to a furry artist they mean an artist selling illustration commissions on a freelance basis. There are many different kinds of independent creators though and this could include someone who sells merchandise, makes a living off patreon with comic work, or does fursuits. For the sake of staying focused we’re discussing artists who specifically sell illustrations and work one-on-one with commissioners to accomplish this.

As any seasoned commissioner knows, the way an artist’s process works can be varied but typically involves:

buying an open slot for a commission type (ex: a painting)

handing over your references, requests, and paying 

waiting for a work in progress image to approve 

receiving the final product

This process is the basic premise, an industry standard if you will. The artist gets the benefit of controlling when they can take on work and the commissioner has the opportunity to communicate what they want at multiple stages of the project.

But why are there so many variations to what projects an artist will even accept, what’s in their TOS, and how long it takes them to do it?

Specialization  The thing about many furry artists is we’re independent creators with little to no formal education in illustration. We’re not the type of artists you see putting together Magic the Gathering cards or developing a big title game. To expect that level of industrial standard with speed and quality would be ludicrous! This is what makes us appealing to commission though- you’re not going to find our product anywhere else and you’re supporting an artist you like directly. 

In fact, every furry artist is a unique snowflake with their own specializations. This is partially since art takes a ridiculous amount of time to get good at. An artist is almost forced to choose what they can offer and what they’re going to invest in trying to sell. This can even be out of our control! For example, one of the running jokes with my slice of community is the fact that after drawing a single bird furry there was suddenly an entire flock asking me to draw their bird sonas. 

Specialization directly rewards furry artists with more steady income / clients and thus they might have to restrict what they can offer. Again, learning to draw something new takes a lot of time. An artist who has never touched backgrounds will struggle a lot to suddenly try and include them in their work. This doesn’t mean it can’t be done or that an artist doesn’t want to. I would even argue this hyper specialization can often leave artists in a depressing loop they feel they can never escape from. If they suddenly draw something else it won’t sell, their personal interests have been buried by what actually works on the market.

Some artists do break this mold though and either enjoy the specialization they’re in or are experienced enough to draw whatever they fancy at a high quality. Perhaps even, their audience expects and celebrates an experimental approach from them which is something that’s true in my case. One of my most successful commissions were “surprise bags” where requests and edits weren't even allowed! Others are not fortunate enough to have that option though.

In any case, this is not the sole reason for the insane variety we see in furry artists and why their commission processes vary so much but it is a huge part of it. For context, the level of skill you see in my art took 5 years to get to and I would consider myself intermediate at best. It’s truly an underrated skilled trade.

Prices - Part 1 Cost of Living Money, everyone’s favourite non-controversial topic! So why is furry art so expensive? 

It costs a lot to be a living breathing creature with a roof over your head and food in your belly. We all feel the current effects of inflation and ridiculously high rent. This is definitely a big reason why art can / should cost a lot and believe it or not MOST artists do not make minimum wage.

This doesn’t just apply to furry artists of course and I would be beating a dead horse on something we all already know, the economy is in a terrible state right now. It depends on what country / area you live in, what your living situation is, if you have any pets or health issues, etc.

In general though, that $200 price tag for a reference sheet doesn’t make the cut in most places. It might be the single biggest reason why I cannot continue this work anymore, the price I can sell something for is only so high but my workload will remain the same. That reference sheet will take me 2-4 days to complete no matter what if I want to maintain the good quality a commissioner is (understandably) paying me for. 

Depending on what you're selling and where your experience level is at (the more experienced you are the less time it takes to complete something at an acceptable quality) a commission can take 1 hour to finish or it can take 12 hours. So… just do a lot of smaller cheaper stuff right? 

Prices - Part 2 The Great Artist Killer, BURNOUT If an artist cannot manage to sell a few big things to meet their monthly bills they might instead switch gears to sell lots of small affordable things. This can mean doing 20-40 commissions a month at a back breaking pace. While all jobs slowly drain the life out of your soul, art demands a level of mental focus that is often overlooked and in the case of this career, you only have you to do the work that is required. 

There is no one to cover your shift, there is no one to assist you, and if you don’t make your deadlines your reputation is at stake. The very same reputation of good work ethic that keeps your commissioners coming back the next opening. You must push through the burnout! You must work until your hand aches and bleeds! You must- there is no one to save you from this Hell!

If you try to be an affordable or high production artist this is the life you have to look forward to. Desperately churning out product as you retrofit your creativity and passions into a well oiled machine. Often to try and prevent this artists will raise their prices to something they can live off without breaking themselves or have a mix of high / low prices. A middle ground if you will, something that still doesn’t make the standard of living but isn’t a death march either. It’s a precarious and strange limbo with financial insecurity but hey… at least you’re not dead. It should be noted as well that most artists struggle with some form of mental illness and selling commissions might even be the only career open to them. This is not a topic I feel qualified to speak on but it does play an enormous role in experiencing burnout and the general struggles of this career. 

Prices - Part 3 Afterthoughts While I wish artists could push for an appropriate living wage, I understand the commissioners' side as well. Spending $100 that could go toward groceries is just not feasible for the vast majority of us and so when we see something that is actually in our range, a $20 headshot or $10 sketch, we often hop on it without a second thought on the ethics of paying that low. It is okay to buy a treat for yourself that is within a price range you can afford though! You should never spend what you can’t nor should you ever feel pressured or guilty to buy something.

If a commissioner is concerned about paying enough I would recommend saving up and giving as big of a tip as you can! Artists are almost always underselling themselves and even just a $5 tip covers the cut that Paypal takes or buys them a coffee to get through the day. Buying what’s reasonable for you is absolutely still supporting them and a little goes a long way!

NOTE : any artist can experience burnout or struggle with meeting minimum wage no matter what they’re selling; this is a hard topic to pick apart Making Art - Part 1 The Process So how does making art work? That might seem like a silly question but it’s hard to understand when you’re not the one creating it. Given how closely a commissioner and artist must work together in order to achieve a desired result I think it’s worth breaking down what goes into making a piece. Of course every illustrator is different but here’s how it generally works:

Hope You’re Mentally Well Art requires mental concentration, particularly for something complex such as a city. Often a bad mental state can be worked around but sometimes the process stops here- you’re just not able to focus enough to measure out that perspective or break down the complex anatomy that goes into drawing a hand.

Find References An artist may need to take an hour or so to find the right references or to make thumbnail sketches. Especially if your client asked for something specific (like a particular brand of whisky) you need to know what it looks like and how it will fit into the piece. For small quick pieces though this is usually a waste of time and skipped.

Sketching Here is often where the commissioner sees the first glimpse of work done- the sketch! Some artists are messy, some are neat and tidy. They might be drawing you a reference sheet or a headshot but either way you typically get to take a glimpse at their blueprint and ask for changes before the rest happens. Sketches are easy to change and can be redone from scratch with the least amount of time lost if needed. It is the optimal step to work with the client on making sure expectations are met.

Rough Render To keep it across the board for all types of art (painting, cell shading, lineless, etc) we’ll call this part the rough render. A commissioner may be shown the flatcolor swatch to ensure markings were drawn accurately, the lineart to double check all requested details have been included, the rough lighting to give an idea of the mood… the list goes on and on! Some artists skip this step entirely if it’s not needed, there is such a thing as oversaturation when it comes to communication.

Final Product This is simply where the commissioner and artist part ways once everything has been approved, the final product! It may have taken hours or days to get to this step but either way it’s been completed.

Making Art - Part 2 When It Doesn’t Go Smoothly Sometimes an artist’s workflow is so rigid even a single missed day from bad mental health or a life event can have a cascade effect that puts them behind schedule. Quite literally an artist can only draw for so many hours before their hand (or body in general) physically gives out. I’ve had work days where I’ve tried to push myself in order to catch up, to the point of rubbing the skin off my finger enough to make it bleed. In the long run this can mean career-ruining cases of carpal tunnel in the wrist or hand and like with any other desk job; your neck and back aren't very happy about the workload either. Artist work days are often shorter than what’s considered normal which adds to the general difficulty of the career as well. While some artists can certainly work that full 8-10 hour shift, others might only be able to handle 3-6 hours before they can’t concentrate or are in too much pain to continue (speaking in long term for that one, it took a few years of regular work before I started having real physical issues from drawing too much). Given most are stuck at certain price points for selling their art it’s almost impossible to charge more in order to compensate for these possible missed days. It’s an issue with other careers as well which I do want to acknowledge; missing even one day of work could mean less groceries that week or cost someone their job in extreme cases. We truly live in a society! It should be noted though that keeping an impossible schedule is a huge stressor for artists who are stuck having to produce more than they can mentally or physically take on. They often know they can’t do it but what other choice is there- not buying the medication you need that month? This always seems to lead to something public and discussed a lot in the community; the instances of being issued a refund out of the blue or seeing a lengthy mental breakdown post about suffocating in the stress of it all. The wear and tear on creativity is visible as well. An artist’s work may become monotone or lifeless as they sink further from the weight of impossible to meet expectations. They might struggle to produce what they used to be able to as time marches on or simply feel unbearably hopeless. If the unsustainable workflow continues for too many years passion becomes strangled and real physical consequences are apparent. 

Some are able to escape this or don’t have this issue! Others suffer in silence or might not be aware of the strain they are being put through, as is the case with plenty of other careers.

How Can I Support Artists? If you’re interested in making life easier for your favourite artist there are a few simple things you can do; specifically in regards to the commission process!

Read the Terms of Service This is not something you should skip over as it could detail how edits are handled, what an artist is willing to draw, etc. It's beneficial for everyone that the TOS is read.

Look Before You Buy Take a peek at an artist’s gallery and decide if you like their style before you purchase anything OR buy a small sample to see if you enjoy how they draw your character! I feel some commissioners don’t understand that an artist cannot change how they stylize on a whim (for example a semi-realistic artist isn’t going to suddenly draw anime). If you’re indifferent or you like experimentation then this isn’t something you need to worry about.

Have A Reference Sheet Although reference sheets are expensive, if you frequently commission artists and are able to afford it BUY ONE! It saves a huge amount of time and frustration- so much so that some artists won’t even consider accepting your commission without a proper reference sheet. Having to guess the body type or colors takes a lot of time and can easily be prevented!

Leave Wiggle Room Give an artist some room to breathe with a bit of artistic freedom! Do not expect them to get that exact #CCE5FF shade of blue you want or draw every single marking of a complex pattern. Lower your expectations if they’re that high, you’ll enjoy the piece more when you do!

Tip Particularly if you’re commissioning a character with a lot of detail or have very specific requests, leave a tip. Again all it takes is a $5 tip to make a difference!

Advice For Artists If you’re truly looking to get into this industry or have been in it for a while, here are some tips that can (hopefully) help make your job a little easier or get started. I don’t want to discourage people from this job by any means! We wouldn’t have the community we do without freelance artists. NEW ARTISTS

Start Small If you’re just starting out you’ll want to aim for the $10 - $50 price range with marketable pieces such as icons or chibis. You may have to heavily undersell yourself for a while to grow a client base. If you don’t sell anything at first don’t be discouraged! It’s perfectly normal to struggle for a while (even years) before you have anything steady.

Experiment Now is the perfect time to experiment and see what works and what doesn’t, what you like and what you hate. Try different platforms, different commission types and styles, whatever you fancy! The goal is to find a niche you can wedge yourself into, feel happy with, and work towards; not to fish around for immediate results.

Focus On Studying The more experience and tools in your belt, the better. For the first while you should be focusing on improving your art if you’re not at an intermediate level. Once hands don’t feel like such a struggle you know you’re at the right place! This will set you up to be more efficient and feel less frustrated down the road.

EXPERIENCED ARTISTS

Personal Time For the sake of your mental health you need to set aside time to do personal art, experiment, and relax. This could mean having a consistent day off, finding a new hobby, or making vent art just for yourself. Also, don’t be afraid to post personal art! You should not be apologizing for taking reasonable time to yourself.

Experimental Commissions Allow yourself to open weirder commission types from time to time. Maybe lately you’ve been really into drawing beach scenes, you could open a 2 slot commission that promises summer vibes. These could be filler between your bigger pieces or replace them every now and then depending on what you can get away with. Other examples I’ve seen are selling goretober calendar slots or $10 artistic freedom sketches. Just try to get yourself out of that repetitive loop if you feel like you need to, worse case it doesn’t sell!

It’s Okay To Quit Not all of us have this option given personal circumstances but there is no shame in leaving this career. Doing commissions even as a casual filler can rob you of the passion you once had for your hobby. If you feel genuinely unhappy with this job and come across the opportunity to safely leave, go for it! In my case I’m going from commission work to comic work, something within the same general field that I can do at my own pace. 

Afterword Although I tried to cover as much as I could with this, I know not every issue of the relationship between commissioners and artists was addressed. There are artists who take large amounts of money and then ghost their commissioner. There are commissioners who negatively nitpick at every step of the process and leave an artist feeling like a beaten down dog. The furry community is huge with lots of different folks, there will of course be bad eggs that make things harder for both sides. 

I simply hope this leaves commissioners with a better understanding of an artist's perspective and gives some well deserved compassion to the creative people that breathe so much life into our community. We as artists should also appreciate the clients that support us with positive enthusiasm. This special relationship doesn’t exist in a lot of places and I hope I've offered something to help furries have a better understanding of one of the biggest aspects of our community. 

Written with much love for the wonderful people that have cheered me on over the years and the community that has always shown it's full support toward me.

[aihoshiino]

I dunno if its just me but it stands out to me that even though ai describes herself as someone whose never loved or been loved she seems to put a lot more emphasis in trying find someone to love rather than finding someone that loves her for being her

ai, please you deserve love too :((

(message from future claire from the end of this ask: to no one's surprised, this turned into an Ai essay... I ended up straying onto the topic of Ai's ideal lover, who that could even be and what 'salvation' and a long term positive arc would look like for Ai)

Nope, you're entirely correct!! It sticks out so bad to me that what Ai is actively looking for is not a person who will love her, but a person she can sincerely give her love to. It makes me want to eat wet cement!!!!

It's interesting to think that as Ai of B-Komachi, she probably hears people say they love her all the time. Viewpoint B even specifically identifies B-Komachi as a gachikoi group in the original Japanese text, meaning they are built from the ground up to exploit the types of fans who develop serious romantic fixations for their oshi, and with Ai being as popular as she is, it's almost a guarantee she has a whole army of these types of fans - and uh, we know for a very unfortunate fact just how sincerely and deeply obsessed with her a lot of these men are.

But ultimately, none of those people actually love the real Ai. As she herself puts it in Viewpoint B again, 'Ai of B-Komachi' is her idealized self - an ideal for both the fans and for Ai herself. She's a perfect, pure, invincible girl who loves everybody with no limits and no restraint. From Ai's perspective, performing 'Ai of B-Komachi' is an act of love outwards to the fans but because she's not the real Ai, none of that reciprocal love is actually for her.

The sad part, though, is that... Ai of B-Komachi isn't really that different from Ai herself! She's polished and airbrushed and lack any of Ai's human flaws but her strength, her warmth, her charisma, her playful sense of humor and her deep, deep kindness and her efforts to love everyone no matter what... those all come from the 'real' Ai and we see them authentically expressed through her again and again and again. But of course, Ai can't see that.

The reason Ai doesn't look for someone to love her, imo, is because she simply doesn't believe it's possible. She hates herself too much to imagine that anybody could ever love her as she is, so she compromises by slicing herself up into as many pieces as possible and letting everybody else reassemble her into an Ai they might be capable of loving. Even when she's directly asked who her ideal lover would be in 45510, her initial response is just sooooooo depressing.

"I guess I'd like to be with someone who doesn't lose their cool with me when I mess things up, ‘cause that happens a lot! Someone who gets all worked up over every little thing would probably get tired of me pretty quick. It’d be unfair for them, so I'd rather be with someone who's not like that."

Like... really think about what she's saying here. The narrator even specifically notes that Ai is as unfiltered as she gets during this stream and the best she can come up with is "Idk, someone who won't get annoyed with me even though I'm annoying as fuck". She herself even says a few lines later that even if someone told her to their face that they loved her, she simply wouldn't be able to believe it. To quote the 45510 narrator...

People evaluate others based on their own understanding of the world. Someone who lacks an understanding of love might struggle to believe it when others express their affection, just as a habitual cheater is more inclined to suspect their partner of being unfaithful. It’s one of those things you grow into understanding as an adult.

Babygirl I'm going to turn into a California fucking raisin!!!! Please!!!!!

45510 does conclude this train of thought with something interesting, though - with Ai's truest feelings that even the 45510 narrator can't dismiss or write off as a lie.

"I don't want anyone to hate me. But it's not like I don't want to talk about myself, even though it might sound a bit contradictory. I want people to know. I want them to know about the dirty parts, my rough edges, and all the rest, and I want them to say that it’s okay. That they accept me."

This is, ultimately, why Ai doesn't bother finding someone to love her as she is. Someone loving the real Ai would need to see the things she talks about here and not reject her. They would need to see the parts of Ai that she calls dirty, irresponsible, underhanded and impure and tell her that they accept her as she is, warts and all.

And she can't believe anyone would. Why would she, when she's faced rejection and abuse all her life, been failed again and again and again by every single person who had the responsibility to care for and protect her? The ultimate cruelty of Ai's life is, ironically, also its greatest joy: that the two people in the world who should have absolutely, unconditionally loved and accepted her as she was - her children - turned out to be people who, even years after her death, continue to only see Ai of B-Komachi.

I've talked about this elsewhere off Tumblr just in terms of writing Ai long term in fanfic and RP and what have you, but all this stuff is why I think the ideal long-term positive arc for Ai could never be one about Ai enacting change in herself - becoming self sufficient, learning to love herself on her own, etc. It would ultimately be a betrayal of what Ai's arc is trying to convey.

Ai is the way that she is because from the moment she was born, she was continually let down and failed by everyone else in her life who was in a position to love her. Nobody saved her from her mother's abuse, nobody helped her heal from it and nobody protected her from exploitation. This failure of care was so consistent that Ai ultimately concluded that she was the problem - that she had to make up for whatever about her was so reprehensible and lacking by being harmless and agreeable and useful and slicing herself to pieces so she could serve herself up in the most consumable way.

This is why I'm actually really glad that OnK has never gone the route of challenging Ai's assertion that she's dirty and impure - because the core of that idea is that Ai lacks worth because of that. Disproving her conclusion that she is 'dirty, impure, hopeless, etc' does not actually challenge this central idea that Ai only has worth so long as she is perfect and pure. Her salvation could only ever come from someone seeing her most wretched, dirty, ugly and miserable self - having someone strip her to bone and marrow, put their hand in her guts and cradle her heart and accepting her as she is, wholeheartedly, unconditionally and without compromise.

[his-tamine]

life update :3 (a little vent-y)

sooo, been over 200 days since the house caught fire and we had to move. obviously, a lot of stuff's been happening. can't go into deep details for fear of someone I don't want to find this, finding this, but I'll say this much: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've very rarely mentioned family on here (for obvious reasons - this account is NOT made for that lol) but here goes. tw for pretty heavy topics: mentions of abuse, father issues, health issues, transphobia & financial issues. I turned 18 Feb 21st, literally just almost 2 months before the damn house caught fire. Meanwhile, my brother's still a minor. MEANING, I narrowly escaped the custody battle my mom & dad are in. But unfortunately, he's still stuck in the middle of it. :( My pops was not really the nicest person to me when I was a kid -

whooping my ass whenever I did anything wrong, no matter how minor the offense was.

Telling me that he loved God more than he loved me, because "You're God's gift to me. God is the one who gave you to me in the first place," when I was four.

Telling me that if I didn't start being ok with receiving physical affection from family - which he knew made me uncomfortable - I was "going to grow up to be a S3R1AL K1LL3R" (yes he said that.)

Telling me that "God doesn't make mistakes," and that he "made me into a beautiful young woman for a reason" after I came out to him personally at 14 - big mistake 0/10 stars, would never do again. You get the idea. And those are the tame examples I could think of. So, I finally cut him off. As soon as my mom, brother, & I were in our new place, I blocked his number and haven't talked to him since. I was sick of him not respecting my boundaries, and repeatedly demonstrating that he thought of me as nothing more than a possession. Tired of him making me feel crazy all the time too. But now he's fucking with my mom & brother. Intentionally not paying child support till the last minute possible - & then making it in as small of payments at a time as he possibly can (yes he can afford it btw.) Trying to force my brother to go over to his place, even when my brother does NOT want to - which has begun giving my brother psychological issues & issues with school, mirroring the ones I used to struggle with bc of that bastard. My mom is juggling all sorts of things, & I really at least wanna try to help financially by getting a job, but I can't yet because: she says that I'm only 18, & shouldn't have to get a job to help out (I disagree.) I don't have an ID bc she wants me to wait on my legal name change - which costs a pretty decent chunk of change - reason is bc she "wants me to have as easy an early adulthood life as possible" (love her.) AND, I haven't actually graduated - No, I dipped in 11th bc school was hell (not exaggerating,) & instead just decided to pursue a GED, that I haven't been able to work towards bc of the shit show that is life in midwestern america. So I've been very depressed, exhausted, & hopeless. The least I can do is clean up our house while she's at work, & get this - some days I don't even have the physical energy to do THAT! I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body currently, but it absolutely sucks. & I'm really tired of just taking up space all the time. She's dealing with health issues too, & I'm always worried ab her. Idk what the hell to do, but something's gotta give. Everybody needs a fucking break. I keep trying to shoo away all the dark thoughts, push myself as often as possible, & keep my fingers crossed, but jfc... Sorry just needed to yell into the void for a sec. I'll live, I'm sure - I've survived worse. Sometimes things just suck. But I like to think that someday they won't. :,)

[ikamigami]

Idk if it'll mean anything coming from me, especially since I'm anonymously sending this, but I followed your blog for a while and I noticed recently that your mental health has begun to spiral the more you interact with the TSAMS fandom.

You might get mad or feel attacked, but I'm saying this out of concern, even if I'm a fellow internet stranger. I see you taking criticisms other people have for the show and interpreting it as a personal attack against you. Yes, this show is important, especially to you, it seems. I know what it feels like to be attached to a character you deeply connect with and get frustrated when their issues are overlooked or not treated seriously. But at the end of the day, it is a show.

I'm not your parent, so it's not like I can control what you do, but the tsams-confessions blog only seems to make you even more upset. I think you should take a step back from everything, block that blog for your own mental health, and allow yourself a moment to breathe. I'm not saying to stop watching tsams, but maybe unfollow the tags on tumblr (I know I had to for my own sake lol) and just enjoy the show alone and with your friends. That's my suggestion

Again, I am sending this out of concern. It doesn't seem like you're enjoying the show anymore, it's only causing you increase distress, especially the more you interact with the fandom. I hope if you do take my advice, you'll be able to return to the fandom space if you wish to do so after some time with a clearer head and be able to enjoy things again. I know you struggle a lot with mental health, and it's likely you don't see what is happening to you.

Take care of yourself. I don't know you, you're just words on my screen, but I still worry for you and hope to see you happy <3

Thank you so much for this beautiful message, dear anon 💗

You're absolutely right that I should distance myself from sams fandom. It helped a lot when I distanced myself from mha (my hero academia) fandom.

I'm taking others' criticism as personal attack mainly because of my paranoia. Whenever someone is saying something negative and it's related to something I was talking about I catch myself on immediately relating this to myself. That people are talking badly about me. I know that it's not the case every time.. but it's hard to not think like that when I see people saying something related to topic about Sun being suicidal.. Topic that I'm mainly talking about..

I just wanted to share my experiences alongside talking about show. I thought that people wouldn't have problem with that. But it turned out that they do.

The thing is that I'm blocked by tsams confessions blog. I'm getting the feedback from one of my friends. They're sharing what is upsetting them.

Which also makes me upset and on top of that there's also the fact that there are others who relate to Sun and his mental issues and they are the ones who are sending anonymous confessions pouring their hearts there saying their frustrations about the fact that others dimiss Sun's problems..

Someone even said that they were also ignored the same way Sun was.. and seeing later that people say that we want Sun to suffer to prove ourselves to be right is awful..

I was talking to one of my friends @magrigano ... They're deactivated now.. They are most definitely depressed themselves.. They often expressed how much they're upset about people not seeing that Sun is depressed.. They also relate to Sun a lot..

I'm worried about them because they deactivated and I don't have any contact with them beside Tumblr..

I'm scared that they took what people are saying to their heart..

I hope that they're fine but it concerns me that they deactivated..

If you or anyone else know @magrigano please check what's happening with them..

They often liked my posts and commented on them.. I think that they felt understood..

I know that this is just a show.. but fans are real people and this fandom treats people who are concerned about Sun (because they relate to Sun and his mental issues) awfully..

They don't seem to realize or maybe they just don't care that they words are hurting real people..

For me these people seem as if they want to be right. They want their headcanons to turn out to be true.

That anon I was talking about last time for example said that just because we're worried about Sun it means that we wishes him to be harmed to prove ourselves right and it's yikes.. but that's not true.. these words are very harmful because this is just assumption made by a stranger.. this person doesn't even know any of us and yet they don't seem to have a problem with making things up..

When it really isn't about who is right or wrong or what is canon and what isn't..

It's about letting others be. Why people can't let others relate to Sun and be worried about him?

I think that people like that anon likes to always be right. They think that they're superior than others. I'm making assumptions now, I know. But this is exactly how this anon comes across with what they're saying.

Because at the end of the day it's more than just angst and headcanons etc. Because people who relate to Sun and his mental issues are real. People who are worried about Sun are real.

Maybe my posts were only fuelling everything more.. but like I said I'm not the one who is sending those confessions about Sun - those ones who seem concerned about him and being upset with how fandom treats Sun's fans..

And it makes me worried.. because it's not only me.. if it was just me I wouldn't be that much upset.. but now one of my friends deactivated and I don't know what's happening with them..

I'm appreciate your concern and kind words, dear anon 💗

I just wish that this fandom wouldn't attack people who struggle with mental issues just because they want to be right.

Also it's important to note that not every person deals with mental issues the same way because everyone is different and also there are a lot more mental issues/disorders beside the more popular one. Let's take depression for example.

People think that when you're depressed it's obvious because you look sad and you sit in dark room and cry a lot.. but that's not true. Many people have atypical depression or they have high functioning depression.

People should learn more about mental health to not harm others with what they say.. or they should just simply not talk about mental health if they don't want to learn more about it..

It's not that people only ignore Sun's mental issues.. because with how they words things it comes off that they're dismissive of mental issues of real people who relate to Sun.. with how they say things carelessly, they hurt real people..

That's why I'm worried. It's not only about me. More people say that they relate to Sun and it hurts them as well..

I just wanted to be a voice for them.. I wanted to help for our struggles to not be ignored..

I think that it'd be enough if people just let us be. If they let us be concerned about Sun. If they let us relate to Sun.

But some people are just awfully mean and don't care if they hurt someone because they are right.

Also it's hard for me to just stop watching the show because it helped me realize so much about myself.. and I want to know how Sun's plot will resolve because I relate to him and because thanks to him and obviously Davis and EC.. I could finally connect the broken pieces of myself.. because when I'm looking at Sun I see a reflection of myself.. He not only deals with similar mental issues to me but he also has the same character/personality. His short temper and sometimes mean comments or his horniness it's all the same.. I just feel like I'm looking at slightly different version of me.. because his life is worse than mine ever was..

I often catch myself on saying that I wouldn't be as nice as Sun in some situations.. or I don't know if I would survive as long as him in his situation..

I think that he's strong but having your issues ignored is awful also if you struggle with depression or any mental disorder that others seem to not see..

Thank you for your advice, dear anon 💗

I think that I'll try to stick to just watching show and talking only to my friends.

I'm still worried about others who relate to Sun especially my friend @magrigano.. I hope that they're alright 🥺

[mmogurl]

FML. Seriously. This pic is me to a T right now. You ever just feel bummed about everything? I mean, when nothing is going right and it's hard to point out a single positive thing in your life that doesn't feel forced? Where you make plans that are always broken and you have expectations that are never fulfilled. It just becomes depressing after awhile to watch things always crumble down around you. And how are you supposed to find a reason to do anything in that state of mind? Oh yes, keep pushing yourself to write even though any praise you receive is fleeting and inconsistent... and for the most part it just feels like you're invisible. Just keep dragging along in a world that really doesn't seem to give a fuck if you struggle and certainly doesn't care if you suffer. You know.. one of the things that helps me most in life.. when things are good and when things are bad if I can manage it.. is creativity. I'm also an artist, although I don't focus on it as much as I do writing... Because with writing I get to actually go into another world and be someone else.. And THE BEST thing about that is that I also get to turn around and share it with the world.. so they can also take that same journey and experience that fantasy.. whatever it might be. Taming Homelander, getting wrecked by Daemon in the kitchen, or giving Aegon the hug he really needs. That's the amazing thing about writing is that you can do anything you want to do. Even a stupid idea.. which believe me, I had one of the silliest ideas ever recently that I am seriously thinking about writing out (It has to do with how Aegon is really bad at High Valyrian but I won't spoil the rest). But, even a silly idea can become something really special and you just never know what is going to resonate with yourself as an author or even with the people who read your work. The thing I absolutely hate is how sometimes, no matter what you do, a piece might not get the attention it deserves. Now I always account for taste and preference, but it still sucks when you don't get any feedback. And I've been reading a lot from people on tumblr lately, speaking on this very same topic. I just got on tumblr barely a couple of months ago, so I have even been wondering if they've made some serious changes since. Because I went from steady growth to not much of anything! And it's been hard to adjust.. because at the end of the day, I really just like sharing in enjoying the characters and stories I love with others. Ah.. if that were the only problem, I might be upset, but able to cope. But instead, it keeps feeling like everything's going from bad to worse.. or at least insult added to injury. I don't know if any of you remember me talking about my Targaryen cosplay a month or so back? Well.. I basically went HAM on a Daemon x OC (but it's basically a Rhaenyra dress) cosplay for Halloween. I spent.. you don't wanna know how much I spent. I had one of those moments where I realized I had been frugal all year and decided.. I deserve this. And spent a lot of money on having costumes commissioned and also bought wigs and jewelry. The whole nine yards!

And wouldn't you know.. within a couple of weeks, my husband lost his job. He is the sole breadwinner in the household, so that leaves us with no income. Mind you, this has happened every year for 3 years now, but in this case, they actually canceled his contract before it was up (we had another 5 months to go!)! The job market has just been so incredibly unstable, and I'm getting so sick of feeling like I'm on a sinking ship in life. At my age, things should be settled, but I'm realizing nothing will ever be settled.. and that is hard to come to terms with. So, I spent all this money on costumes, then he loses his job.. and I'm thinking... Well - at least I still get to dress up as some Targaryens for Halloween and try my best to make it look good and have fun! There was a costume contest I was planning on attending and everything on the 26th. And I have literally everything else ready to go except for the costumes. Which were mailed out early October, but were from out of country. So wouldn't you know.. They got to the US more than a week ago.. and have just been sitting in customs, after being cleared, and I tried calling them, but it's the Usps and that's basically not helpful at all.. There's two days left for them to maybe come by some miracle.. but I am having to accept now that it's probably not going to come in time. It might not even come in time for a later party if I can find one, which I already looked long and hard for this one on the 26th xD So, FML, right?? I spent the money, lost the job, and now can't even dress up all fancy and get to show off how well I can accessorize my Targaryens. :( It sucks.. and I am feeling gutted. And I am honestly having trouble wanting to do anything. I should be writing, but I can't even put myself in the mindset of a fantasy, because I just keep thinking about how much life sucks. If I wrote something now.. It would probably be about one of my characters going to a costume party and having some asshole run a carriage past her and getting mud all over it. T_T or something along those lines. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... how everyone was just sick in my house maybe two weeks ago.. and then my eldest son got sick again.. and my youngest had a fever last night.. Which means.. even if the costumes do come.. everyone (myself likely included) will probably be sick for Halloween! Like.. why?! Can nothing go right?? It's just gotta be suck all the time!? Sigh.. That's all I got for a closer. Just sigh.

[s-uccubus-mommy]

What is a boy to do when he has chronic depression and is going through one such episode, yet can only 'work on himself' so much alone? For there is nothing more healing than love, and when I had someone close to me, I was able to make great progress that has regressed significantly as I am alone once more. I ask for little besides a warm embrace, yet reaching that point with someone new requires overcoming several gates where my attractiveness is judged - gates which the symptoms of depression add additional locks to. It adds a lot of 'negative rizz', so to speak. And thusly, I tend not to bother women, even if I know in my heart I could learn how to make her happy if only she could believe I was worth investing attention into.

There are a... lot of unkind words said about sub boys who 'expect a partner to fix them', yet these always perplex me. Are we not social creatures who depend on strength from each other? For I truly believe I am missing only this last piece to become something beautiful and worthy. For I have great love in my heart, and just want to be able to go and take her out to get cake or something when she's feeling sad.

I am also curious about the intersection between depression and attractiveness to the opposite sex from a woman's perspective, if you or anyone else reading this has such experience.

-👑

I feel for you. And I’ve felt just like you before. I brought it up to a therapist actually- are attachment issues and codependency really that bad? There is a book called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson that made me question this. The author seemed to encourage you and your partner to accept these things about yourself more than I had heard anyone do before. And my therapist agreed. Of course there’s a limit to everything, but really, almost all of us struggle with attachment issues. Not to mention things like depression and anxiety. And I’m not the person to tell anyone “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else”. Because so many of us struggle with this shit and it can be years and years before major progress is made. I don’t think having mental health struggles should stop you from finding a partner.

The key here, I think, is to work on yourself at the same time. You need to try to be the best partner you can be, and that means working with mental health professionals and doing the work they ask you to do. That also means being an equal partner, even if you’re a sub.

Codependency can also stunt your personal growth though. In the past few years I’ve challenged myself to be less codependent on romantic partners, and I do encourage everyone to try to do the same. One big part of this was working on developing more friendships. So I suggest doing that. You can also dive deeper into your personal interests and goals and try to focus on doing things that make you happy on your own.

As far as how depression is seen from a woman’s perspective… well everyone is different. Since I struggle with depression myself I don’t mind at all if a partner does too. But I wouldn’t want it to be so crippling for them that I would end up having to take care of them all the time, ya know? I wouldn’t expect my partner to do that for me either. And if it really is that bad that you feel a need for someone else to take care of you, than there are things you need to work on personally with professionals. Like I wouldn’t judge a partner for that, but I would ask them to seek help separately from me.

Sorry I wrote a novel but it’s an interesting topic! Something that I think is much more complex and nuanced than most people think. I hope there’s something in there you found helpful.

[erenvs3000f24]

Blog Post #5: Finding Joy in the Chill of Winter

Hey everyone! For this week’s blog, something that has been on my mind recently has been the soon-approaching cold weather. As someone who thrives during summer and fall, the thought of winter can feel discouraging. Over the past few weeks, temperatures have already dropped, and I find myself dreading the long, chilly months ahead. I sometimes refer to myself as a plant that needs sunshine to function properly, and without it, I don’t always feel my best. The shorter days also contribute to my worries about winter as the fewer hours of daylight seem to make me feel more unmotivated. I’ve struggled with seasonal depression in the past, and to get a bit vulnerable, I’ve been feeling anxious about the possibility of slipping back into that mindset. Speaking about this topic is tough, but I know that I’m not alone in these feelings, which is why I’m open to starting a conversation about it! 

With this in mind, I’ve been reflecting on how I’m feeling recently, and have come to realize the importance of staying connected with nature, even when it’s cold outside. During winter, surrounding ourselves in natural environments can ground us, and can provide a sense of calm and clarity. Although it’s easy to stay inside and hibernate - which is something I’ve done in the past - I now see how crucial it is to embrace the outdoors, even if it means bundling up in many layers of clothing. 

I’ve been brainstorming ways to stay connected with nature during this winter, and a surefire way would be to keep going on my walks around the neighbourhood. This is something I used to do with my family during the pandemic, and I always found it super refreshing. The cold air and peaceful surroundings brought me a sense of calm and contentment. Going for a stroll and enjoying the sun whenever it’s out can be a great mood booster, and getting some exercise would shake off any sluggish feelings too. Another idea would be to try out seasonal activities to bring some fun and excitement to the winter months. There are lots of fun options, like building a snowman, or baking Christmas cookies, or even trying out a winter sport like skiing or snowboarding. Taking part in these activities would offer great opportunities to bond with friends and family. Whether it would be from starting a snowball fight, or laughing with each other while on the slopes, these little moments can help us find joy and appreciate the natural wonders of winter. 

Taking a stroll on campus earlier this year!

Those are just a few suggestions for staying connected with nature, which is truly essential for our physical and emotional well-being. As nature interpreters, we can learn to appreciate the unique beauty of winter, and reflect on the deeper meanings behind the changing seasons. I hope to have inspired others to find joy in winter, and nurture their connection with nature, no matter how chilly it gets!

[firstfirerebel]

Their partner having depression 😔 (SW) [Jedis only]

Warning: mentions of depression

Depressions are not to joke about! It's a confirmed illness/disability, so do not make fun of them!

Anakin Skywalker

He totally blames himself for not noticing it sooner. How you didn't smile and laugh anymore, or how you struggled to stand up in the morning because you had no energy or how you just laid on your bed when he got home.

When you tell him and show him your antidepressants (if you use them), he looks at you and starts to cry in silence.

He feels so guilty.

During the day, he starts to hug you as often as he can to give you the feeling of being loved.

He makes sure that you stand up every day and do your routine, even if he has to drag you out of bed.

Anakin informs himself a lot about the illness/disability and makes sure to do everything in his power to help you out of it.

Obi Wan Kenobi

Obi Wan doesn't blame himself like Anakin does, but he also feels guilty for not noticing it himself.

You showed all the signs of depression. Like not having an appetite anymore or not being able to stand up by yourself.

He's against the fact that you take antidepressants, but if your therapist thinks it's necessary, then be it that way.

In the archive, he reads everything about mental health, depression and how it even starts.

Obi Wan makes sure that you and him do things you like together, like reading (even if you can't remember anything afterward), going for a walk, or snuggeling till you both fall asleep.

Mace Windu

He's speechless for the first time.

He doesn't want to say something wrong, so he stays quiet and hugs you.

Mace makes sure that you have a routine and that you work near him. He doesn't want you to get hurt because of your condition.

He reads some books about mental health and depressions to understand you better.

Because he never experienced it, he's soft but strict with you. You both don't want it to get worse, so it's necessary.

Even though you really don't want to eat anything, he makes sure that you eat at least once a day. Your body still needs food, so there's no other way...

Before you both fall asleep, he tells you that he's proud of you for fighting each day and that you're a warrior

Kit Fisto

He's happiness himself and tries everything in his power to make you smile again, but he soon realizes that it's not that easy.

Kit is also super supportive during the day and praises you for every single thing.

When you feel like everything's falling apart, he's right there and is a shoulder to cry on, even though he doesn't really know what to do.

He also informed himself about the topic to understand you better

Having depression is rough and feels like torture, but having someone who knows and cares is super precious to you and makes it more bearable.

Plo Koon

Call me crazy but I think he had it himself as a padawan...

That means he realized it before you told him, and he already had some plans on how you could handle it better.

Seeing his partner struggling with the same problem makes him so sad, but he won't stop until you're finally free of that issue.

He knows how it feels to have depression and understands you completely.

That also means he knows how to handle it better than the others.

Craving chocolate because of the lack of serotonin? He has already prepared for that matter.

Or having no energy for standing up? Movie day with cuddles is loaded and ready for you when you want to.

[watercolor-hearts]

So if you can answerr the ao3 wrapped: 5 6 15 and 29 please 😊

[Ao3 wrapped – Ask me about my stories/writing this year.]

Hi 😊 Of course I can. Thank you so much for asking. Long post ahead because... I love talking about writing/my stories. 😂❤

5. Has a work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

Yes, Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams: 14 subscriptions, 2875 hits, 131 kudos, 5 comments, 9 bookmarks.

When I posted my first Lestappen story (not this one) I was surprised how quickly the hits and kudos count climbed. And then I realized Lestappen was the top ship. (For me it's always Maxiel so that's why it was surprising.) And in case of this story the big amount of feedback was also surprising because it's about non-planned pregnancy, abortion and it's... not about easy topics. But it was nice to see people liked it so much. (It's my number one story if we view them by hits count.)

6. Favorite title you used

I don't have artsy titles, I usually just pick something from the story and make it the title so they're really basic but I still can't choose only one so here are all my faves:

Battle scar; Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams; In Sickness and In Health; Blood, sweat and tears; and Home.

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

For sure I'm gonna take In Sickness and In Health/Depressed Seb AU with me into next year because I still have a lot of story ideas for it. I'm planning to finish at least one this year but I'm sure I'll write for this au next year too. Having this little universe means a lot to me. ❤

And I think I'll also take my Charlos mpreg/premature birth/male lactation story into next year because even though I stopped talking about it, I still want to write it (uni was a bit too much and I had no time to write. But tomorrow (now today because it's now past midnight as I finish this post) is my last day so I hope I'll be able to write again soon.)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Now this is a difficult one because so far I've written 47 stories this year. (Big big thanks to Em and Nyx for sending me my first ever prompts and giving me a chance to start this amazing journey. ❤ And also big thanks to everyone who has ever sent me a prompt. It means a lot. ❤)

Now I'm gonna try and list as few of my fave lines as I can because I don't want to copy and paste all of my fave stories here but it's not always easy. 😂 (Mission (kind of) failed. Sorry.)

In Sickness and In Health

In sickness and in health, they say. Seb and Kimi knew it well.

•

“Just a little snack,” Seb said, heading to the kitchen. He knew he needed to eat but there were times when it wasn't that easy. But for Kimi, he tried. Kimi saved him, he’ll always try for him.

•

Seb was holding on to Kimi’s upper arm like he was scared Kimi would leave him alone. Not that Kimi wanted to do that. He would never leave Seb alone.

•

He knew his back would be dead if he slept there but, to be honest, the only thing he cared about was his lover on top of him, sleeping peacefully; a calm moment after all the storms of the last few weeks, even months. Therapy sessions, arguments, struggles with the food he was supposed to eat, and long nights filled with crying; it wasn’t easy. It’s never easy but now there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. 

Maybe I deserve all of this

“You know, when people see someone crying, they usually say something like ‘please don’t cry, it’s going to be alright’ because they… they don’t really know what to do when someone cries. Nobody really teaches you what to do.

•

“Can you… Can you take off your t-shirt?” George asked a few moments later.

“Already want me half naked, I see you, Georgie,” Alex teased, giving a quick kiss on George’s head before taking off his t-shirt.

“Just want to feel your skin,” George murmured, “And your heartbeat.”

•

“I wouldn't compare pain,” Alex said, “because it’s not something you can or should compare. It’s not about whose pain is worse. Everybody’s pain is valid and they deserve to get comforted if they want to.

•

We all have moments like this; when we’re vulnerable and just want someone to hold us.”

“And it’s one of the best things in the world when you have someone to hold you.”

I will kill you (but I will kill André first)

“Fuck,” Sam muttered under his breath, finally giving in and leaning back.

“Please wait with that,” André said, jokingly, making Jev laugh and Sam smile in disbelief. “I'm sure you could give a great lap dance to Jev but I don't want to see it. At least not this close.”

“I can't believe you, Lotterer,” Sam shook his head, laughing, “I fucking can't believe you.”

I'm breathing...

“Lewis, do I have to call a doctor?”

Lewis immediately shook his head. “No, it's okay, it's just… I just…” Lewis huffed as he tried to tilt his head back to open his airways more and let the air fill his lungs. He tried hard not to let panic fully take over his mind as the anxiety reached the top.

“Try to sit up,” advised Bono and tried to help Lewis by putting his hand on the driver's back, between his shoulder blades, to support him. “I know it's not easy now but try to breathe slowly,” the engineer advised as he caressed Lewis' back. “You can control your body. Trust yourself.”

The driver nodded, tilted his head back again, and closed his eyes to concentrate on his breathing. He felt like he couldn't get enough air into his lungs no matter how hard he tried or which breathing technique he used.

“You can do it, Lewis,” said Bono in his usual calm voice, “I know you can do it. Try to make these small breaths a little longer. If you manage to control your breathing, your heart will slow down too and then the strange feeling in your chest will go away.”

Home

“Your heartbeat sounds like home,” Seb said, breaking the silence a few moments later.

“Really?” Kimi asked, surprised. Seb has always been the cheesier one, but after everything that happened, this hit really close to home for Kimi. 

[imagitory]

Barbie Review [SPOILERS]

Hi everyone! So my mum and I FINALLY got around to seeing Barbie (I swear, we would've seen it much sooner, had it not been for RL getting in the way!), and we both really enjoyed it. That doesn't mean we didn't have thoughts about it -- a LOT of thoughts about it -- so I thought I'd go ahead and write them all down in a proper review!

For those of you who want a short, spoiler-free analysis, I'd say the movie was a very entertaining and surprisingly thoughtful story that had a lot to say about gender politics, "girl power," and our patriarchal society, and although it sometimes was a bit too simplistic in how it approached those topics, that doesn't mean it wasn't still timely or meaningful.

For those of you who want me to dive in more deeply...here's a cut!

The Good!

+Speaking as someone who was never a Barbie girl or even a "doll" girl growing up (my favorite toys were figurine sets of my favorite animated movie characters), I can still testify that Barbie Land's whole aesthetic perfectly captured a "little girl" vibe. It was bright, plastic, nonthreatening, and very what-you-see-is-what-you-get. Up to a certain point, it has a very "Stepford" quality where everything is just like the day before and nobody is ever unhappy or angry, but it's still a charming and likable place. You can float off of buildings and down to the street below; you can go down slides instead of stairs; you can drive in a car that becomes a ship that becomes a rocket and then an RV. Everything is about friendship, solving problems that seem huge and dramatic with incredibly simple solutions, and finding joy in cute, everyday things. It's a bit shallow and vapid, yes, but it's never oppressive or sinister, and the inclusiveness of the many different kinds of Barbies and Kens -- not just racially, but in personalities, body types and abilities -- immediately communicates that anyone could belong in this world. (A theme that's explicitly stated later and reinforced when the discontinued Barbies/Kens and "Weird Barbie" are brought more into the fold.) Therefore you understand both why our main character wants things to stay as they are and feel investment in that world being saved, even despite its flaws. It also made for a perfect contrast between Barbie Land and the Real World -- when the two aesthetics collided, like when Barbie and Ken first arrive in Los Angeles, it was appropriately jarring.

+Our main Barbie herself!! Talk about a relatable character! The juxtaposition of her desire for happiness and "normalcy" contrasted with her anxious and depressive tendencies really makes for a funny and engaging protagonist. Her character arc was incredibly well-done, and I love that she came around to embracing humanity largely because of how much more...well, for lack of a better term, "real" things were in the Real World. The scene with Barbie in the park enjoying listening to the birds in the trees, laughing herself upon seeing two strangers talking and laughing together, and complimenting the old woman on her beauty was absolutely perfect. From what I've heard, director Greta Gerwig was pressured to remove that scene at one point, only for Greta to viciously refuse, claiming that if that scene was cut, she wouldn't "know what the movie was about" -- and you know, I can totally see why. It really pinpoints Barbie starting to understand that as shallow and pretty as her fantasy world is, the things that inspired it are even more beautiful, because they're not just plastic and manufactured. Instead they're natural, imperfect, warm, and alive.

+Can I also just add a bullet point celebrating that Barbie is not interested in Ken romantically and the movie makes that very clear not just in subtext, but in actual written text? I liked the struggle Ken had to deal with having feelings that weren't reciprocated, as well as Barbie just never having to engage in a romantic relationship, even after deciding to become human and theoretically grow up and grow old. She just never gives a shit about Ken or other guys or even romance overall at any point, and for someone who identifies with the "A" side of the LGBT+ community, that was so bloody refreshing. (Seriously, that whole scene where Ken tried to kiss Barbie good night and Barbie was just quietly like "nope"? I felt that SO HARD.) It's such a common thought process that media that focuses on friendships exclusively are inherently more child-like, especially ones with female protagonists, and it's always nice to see a film clearly made for adults with a female protagonist not feature the convention of our female and male leads being in a romantic relationship. It's especially nice considering that Ken's whole identity was wrapped up in "being Barbie's boyfriend," and shoehorning in a romance between them would've completely contradicted his whole arc of him learning who he is as an individual.

+There was some really, really good humor in this movie, especially once Barbie and Ken got to the Real World. My mum and I laughed a lot while watching this, not just quiet chuckles, but full belly laughs! A lot of jokes I saw in trailers and in fan art and gif sets online ahead of time, like Barbie and Ken getting arrested, but even the ones I saw coming were still hilarious in context. And the ones I didn't, I laughed SO hard at. The Depression Barbie commercial made me laugh so unbelievably hard. (Yes, I could see binge-watching the BBC Pride and Prejudice for the seventh time until I fall asleep on one of my bad days. Don't judge me.)

+There was also some excellent dance choreography in this too -- I can only imagine how fun this movie was to shoot!

+Good plot twist with it being mom Gloria that imagined up our Barbie, rather than her daughter. I saw it coming as soon as we saw Gloria at work with those costume concepts, but still, very good plot turn, and I like how her and her daughter's contrasting views of Barbie bumped up against each other while they helped Barbie escape Mattel.

+Oh yeah, and Gloria? GO OFF, GIRLFRIEND!! That whole monologue she did at Weird Barbie's house was so well-written and spot-on it hurt. Next time I encounter anyone who thinks men and women are treated equally, I think I'll just quote that scene.

+Speaking of Mattel, YES on having the board members all be men, and almost all white men at that. And YES on the movie for calling out both the tragic reality and absurdity of that.

+Adding onto what I touched on above, as much as I do have a few somewhat-nitpicky problems with how this film depicted "the patriarchy," it did overall really beautifully showcase the toxicity of it. In a day and age where women of all kinds are being targeted -- whether by restricting abortion rights and access to birth control, challenging women on their femininity in sports or even public bathrooms out of rampant transphobia, or otherwise -- this movie couldn't have come at a better time, and I love that a movie that so clearly embraced unabashed femininity is being celebrated so much.

The Not-So-Good...

+One thing I really didn't care for in this film was its use of music. I thought the shift from the music being largely non-diegetic (namely, something played as accompaniment for montages) to a staged, musical-style battle scene was incredibly jarring. As much as the campiness of the sequence was a little fun (the Grease references in particular made me grin), it did go on a little too long, and again, it felt like a sudden shift. I would've much preferred it if the film had either gone full-out in making itself a musical or just stuck to using music as a side element, rather than a focal point.

+As much as I understand the film was trying to make a point that superiority for any gender is inherently harmful to everyone, by having the Kens being quietly subjugated in the matriarchal Barbie Land the way women are in the Real World, I personally found that concept a little unpleasant in practice, because it plays into the idea that any victimized group would -- upon being treated with respect -- immediately turn around and want to subjugate others. It's not that I can't understand how Ken could get suckered into such toxicity, or even feel empowered, being in a world where people like him have power and autonomy...but it just made me really sad seeing him reacting so positively to being respected and represented, only to become an antagonist who turned all of his female friends in Barbie Land into mindless arm candy. Yes, incels exist and innocent men get suckered into that all the time, especially men who, like Ken, are desperate for romantic approval from a woman who is not interested in him...but considering that the film makes it clear that Kens -- unlike Real World men -- are considered as an "addendum" in Barbie Land and are second class in that society, the allegory feels a bit muddled. This isn't an issue of men growing up in a world where they're told to expect certain things -- namely, getting a great job without much effort, earning lots of money, "being the man of the house," "getting the girl," that sort of garbage -- and yet when they can't achieve all those things, they take it out on women because they can. It's become a story of a marginalized group turning around and marginalizing others...and honestly, I think that's what a lot of racists, sexists, whatever else fear above all else and why they're so desperate to keep their claws so tightly around what they see as "theirs" -- because they're convinced that the people they've victimized will want revenge against all of the groups that hurt them and victimize them just as much in return. That their victims are somehow just as self-absorbed, spiteful, and terrible as they are. And well...that's just not true! People asking for equality is not equivalent to them subjugating those who've subjugated them. Justice is not vengeance. And I can't help but feel this attempt at "putting the shoe on the other foot" loses the core of what makes "the patriarchy" and toxic masculinity so dangerous. Kens are not like men in our world -- they weren't raised with any idea except that they were "Barbie's boyfriend," much like how women in the Real World are treated. They're not privileged in the way that men in our world are. And the patriarchy is built on the back of privilege -- on the idea that having to share with others is somehow oppression against them -- not on the backs of people who feel like they've been silenced and want to be represented and heard.

+Perhaps it's also the idealistic, political side of me...but I really didn't like how the Barbies didn't take the knowledge of the unspoken privilege they'd had before over the Kens in their matriarchal society and use that to be more active in breaking down that old system after getting their minds back, rather than just make Barbie Land "like our Real World, except with Barbies in charge." Just because our Real World can't be that easily changed doesn't mean Barbie Land can't! Hell, Ken changed it into a misogynist dystopia overnight!! And after the film spent so much time accenting the importance of Kens and Barbies being their own people and not having to be defined by what they are, it seemed so horribly backwards to just go back to the old system with the Barbies overruling all the Kens' changes and taking all the power again. Couldn't we at least have all of them at the table for that vote and come together another way? Ken even admits toward the end that he didn't really even like the patriarchy idea much after realizing horses weren't so important -- couldn't we keep some of the horse stuff and just ditch the stupid mini-fridges and beer shots? Girls like horses too! Plus it would really dismantle the strict gender binary of Barbie Land overall and allow for more overlap!

+My biggest problems with this movie, though, actually come back to the ending, and they both have to do with this film's character arcs. The first problem I have is that the ending largely neglects all of the character's arcs that aren't Barbie's. The whole movie comes back to Ken discovering who he is and realizing he's "Kenough" -- okay, where's my spin-off project from Mattel, playing off of Ken's supposedly "super profitable" Mojo Dojo Casa House toy set? Where's his happy ending of Ken having dolls sold of him where he's just him, and that's cool? Why doesn't Ruth Handler bring up that Ken was ALSO named after one of her kids, HELLO, that would've meant SO much more to Ken considering his identity originally began and ended with Barbie!! (The real Kenneth Handler also came out as gay and tragically died of AIDS, for the record.) Where's Gloria's promotion, after putting forward her own ideas for new Barbies? Why can't she supplant the old CEO, finally putting a woman back in charge at Mattel after so long? Not to mention that Sasha's arc was kind of glossed over in this film, with her turning around on Barbie just by transitioning from the Real World to Barbie Land and little else.

+The second part of this problem is in the conclusion of Barbie's arc. There's a lot of focus in the script about how ideas are forever, but reality isn't: that people will eventually grow old and die and be forgotten. And that's really powerful! But when Ruth asks Barbie to take her hands so she can really understand what she's choosing when she chooses humanity, all the video footage we see Barbie experiencing is happy. There is no anger -- no sorrow -- no loss or pain. And so Barbie saying "yes" to that falls flat, for me. The whole crux of Barbie's arc is embracing the depth of the human experience, rather than Barbie Land's shallow recreation of it...but in the end, there is none of that depth, because Barbie doesn't choose a temporary human existence because she's come to see beauty even in fear, uncertainty, sadness, anger, and pain. She chooses humanity presumably because of the depth of human happiness, in contrast to Barbie Land's, and not even despite all of those more negative things, because again, it's not depicted in that sequence at all. And that felt like a real missed opportunity to me.

Overall, I found this movie incredibly entertaining. Considering I was never a fan of Barbie as a franchise, and yet I was never an active hater either, I honestly had had little interest in seeing this film until I heard such astonishingly positive feedback for it online...and yeah, I am really glad that I did finally get around to seeing it! It's definitely a very relevant and clever movie with some awesome humor and powerful themes, and even with the critiques I have about it, I couldn't be happier that it's getting the praise it's so clearly earned. Way to go, Barbie!

Overall Grade: B

[kaddyssammlung]

Ascensionism – Analysis

We are all ascending. Isn't that great?! I think so. I can feel it a little more over time. It's the end of 3-d-reality. Wait? You don't get that? You don't have to. This type of knowledge is meant for those who feel drawn to this topic. We get that and understand and are responsible. Don't worry about anything XD.

If you want to know more klick on this link. It leads to a YouTube Channel. She talks a lot about this topic.

“Well, I know what you want from me you want someone to be Your reflection, your bitter deception setting you free”

How can someone's reflection set them free? Or does he only mean being bitter. But then again your bitter deception setting you free? I have feeling he does mean Sleep. It's the only way that this makes sense to me for some reason. I can't quite describe this passage.

“So you take what you want and leave”

This just sounds selfish and has a strange tone it. As if they are done taking advantage of him.

“Who made you like this? Who encrypted your dark gospel in body language?”

Well Vessel. It's called childhood trauma (CPTSD). You can kind of guess it, right?! But I know that you don't mean me.

On “This Place Will Become Your Tomb” there are so many lyrics that you can read abuse into them. I guess he means whoever he was singing about there. Maybe it was Sleep. Maybe someone else or maybe both.

“Synapses snap back in blissful anguish”

I love this! Blissful and anguish and also body language from the line before. He is good at this!

“Tell me you met me in pas lives, past life”

I do believe in reincarnation.

Maybe he met Sleep before?

I have feeling I know Vessel btw. But not from the past but already from the future. I know this sounds weird but I'm weird.

“Past what might be eating me from the inside, darling”

Which makes me believe that he probably had a traumatic childhood. At least that is how I relate to this. It used to eat the me alive in quite a literal way because of my ED.

“Half algorithm, half deity”

This women on YouTube that I already linked before talks a lot about we live in a “false matrix”. You don't have to agree with this but it's just something that resonates with me. It reminds me of this.

Maybe this Sleep being really was something evil in disguise. Darkness itself has no creational power. It only has the power that we give it. If he stops feeding it, it will cease to exist.

“Glitches in the code or gaps in a strange dream”

The code meaning the Matrix. That movie btw. Feels more like a documentary about humanity.

If you are interested in that stuff I just linked a YouTube channel twice just check that stuff but only if it resonates with you. I don't want you to get confused or worse.

“Tell me you guessed my future and it mapped onto your fantasy Turn me into your mannequin and I'll turn you into my puppet queen”

I feel called out by this. It just reminds me of my past when I was really struggling with BPD and also was in a relationship. I always kind of guessed the future and it was always the same way “you're going to leave me just like everyone always does” and guess what they did. All of them.

I guess he means Sleep though? He was a willing victim, maybe?!

“Won't you come and dance in the dark with me? Show me what you are, I am desperate to know Nobody better than the perfect enemy”

That speaks for itself.

“Digital demons make the night feel heavenly”

When I think about this whole matrix or false matrix thing and then about some deity that had nothing to with God but only was something evil in disguise then I guess he means Sleep. That is a weird sentence XD

I also hear someone say that digital demons could be us, the fans. I like this thought. We make the night feel heavenly.

“Make it real Cause anything is better than the way I feel right now”

I can relate to this so much. I often don't feel well. There is often lingering anxiety or depression around so I can understand.

He probably means whatever Sleep promised him.

“I can offer you a blacklit paradise”

No comment. Just none! You either get it or you don't.

“Diamonds in the trees, pentagrams in the night sky”

It reminds me of something. One day while I was out on my run and the sun was slowing coming up I saw geometrical patterns in the sky. It was so weird and I could not really believe it. I have never seen something like that again.

I don't know what he means though.

Maybe taking substances and seeing things while lying under a tree and drawing a pentagram into the sky with your finger for some reason.

Why can I see him doing stuff like that?!

“Lipstick, chemtrails, red flags, pink nails”

Red flags are called red flags for a reason. It makes think gain about all this abuse stuff that he mentions on This Place Will Become Your Tomb. All of those behaviours are red flags to me and whoever is treating you in such a way, you should run from them.

The rest kind of is self-explanatory.

Chemtrails though...you really want me to say something about this? Remember that I communicate with the fairies in the forest. You really think that I care about stuff like that XD ?!

“With one eye on the door, other eye on a rail other, other eye following a scarlet trail”

An eye on the door...this makes me think about Nazareth for some reason “knocking on your bedroom door with money”. Maybe it's the same door that he means. Maybe Sleep used to come through it.

Other eye on a rail....I know you are planning to leave in the end? Maybe suicidal ideation?

Other eye following a scarlet trail...I don't even want to know what he means.

And yes we have three eyes. We all do! Our third eye is very important. It's associated with all kinds of spiritual experiences.

“And the last few drops from the Holy Grail, now”

Holy Grail....just put that into Wikipedia, right?!

According to Wikipedia it has something to do the Arthurian legend.

“Rose gold chains, ripped lace, cut glass”

And the glass on the street.....

It creates an image of someone being kind of slutty. At least for me.

“Blood stains on the collar, please, just don't ask”

Of how the blood got there? Maybe from a bleeding nose? Maybe someone took some substances?

“Be the first to the feast, let's choke on the past”

It reminds me about wallowing in depression. You replay something horrible or traumatic over and over and over in your head and it makes you feel horrible. I get that. I did that at some point.

“and take to the broken skies at last”

This makes me think about ascension again and what it will look like. At least what's being told about it. It will look like the sky is falling down on us. Someone even wrote that in an old song of his.....

Just check that YouTube channel that I mentioned if you are interested in stuff like that.

“You're gonna watch me ascend”

Yes, Vessel. We are all ascending and we will meet once we are done or maybe sooner XD.

“My redemption, eternal ascension setting me free”

Okay maybe I should write something about how to end cycles of reincarnation on planet Earth? You actually end it through ascension/ enlightenment/ reconnecting with the source of all beings. I have feeling he is familiar with all this “spiritual stuff”. But of course I don't know that.

“So I'll take what I want then leave”

Finally!