#this piece is fine

[jacquelinemerritt]

Being a Transgender Nerd

Originally posted December 28th, 2015

Unpacking the male dominated culture of nerds from a trans woman’s perspective.

I have been a nerd all of my life.

That’s a statement I can’t see anyone objecting to. If you’ve met me, then it’s pretty obvious how nerdy I am; I’m arguably the biggest fan of Star Wars among anyone I know, I’ve spent a significant portion of my life obsessing over videogames (my favorites being Zelda and Metal Gear Solid), and I run a blog devoted to critically analyzing the abridged version of a popular anime. To put it simply, I have more nerd cred than I know what to do with, and I’ve loved investing myself in nerddom since I was a little kid.

I have also been a woman all of my life.

That statement, unlike the first, carries a small amount of potential controversy with it, given that I am a transgender woman (it’s thankfully much less dangerous a statement than it used to be, as our culture has becoming more understanding and accepting of trans people).

And to the benefit of those who would argue against my womanhood, I have not known all of my life that I was, in fact, a woman. This experience of growing up not knowing my true gender and assuming that I was a man has left me with a unique experience, and as a result, I have gained a deeper understanding of the way one’s gender affects their experience within nerd culture.

The hold that straight white men have upon the role of the protagonist is one of the things I noticed earliest. This however, did not help me understand my gender identity; it reinforced the idea that women were inferior, even though that idea wasn’t something I ever directly vocalized.

Of course, I still found myself drawn to the few female characters there were, and Asajj Ventress, a minor character from the Star Wars expanded universe, particularly caught my attention, as I could feel a lot of empathy for a woman whose troubled past had led her to embrace the Dark Side of the Force.

I quickly found myself rather obsessed with her, and I poured over every bit of media containing her that I could get my hands on, even when her lack of significance outside of the Clone Wars animated miniseries meant that most of that obsession was spent rereading her entry on the Star Wars “Databank*.”

Looking back, I see that that obsession rose not only out of a love for Ventress’ character, but out of a dire need to see women I could relate to in the media that I loved. Now, given the complex environment that I grew up in, it is unlikely that the inclusion of more women in Star Wars would have helped me understand my gender identity earlier (though honestly, who’s to say what could’ve helped), but I can safely say that the inclusion of more women would have helped me feel even more like the Star Wars universe belonged to me.

And while I don’t spend as much time obsessing over Asajj Ventress as I used to, thanks to “Star Wars: The Clone Wars,” she and the Star Wars universe have grown up about as much I have; where she used to be shown only as a tool of the men who would use her, she’s grown into a woman who abandons these men to live her own life, and is attempting to live a good life despite it the hold the Dark Side still has upon her. That version of Ventress, as it happens, is just the type of role model I needed back when I was a youngling.

*Back in the early 2000s, the official Star Wars website had a database of professionally written articles summarizing the history of each character and object present in the Star Wars universe. It was unfortunately discontinued a while back, but its spirit lives on through Wookieepedia.

[hoofpeet]

14 year old artists listen to me right now (gripping you by the shoulders) STOP caring about your "internet presence" right naow. Draw slower and stop trying to boil your art down to an acceptable marketable brand

[hinamie]

10 years later

[sarcasticscribbles]

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me

[o0kawaii0o]

Ayo 😳

[skltart]

pov you're some noble attending a royal gathering or whatever in camelot and you're all excited to meet the prince and then you get there and he's just hanging out with his twink of a manservant the whole night

[fuupan]

penguins

[soaked-doors]

nothing happened

…nothing at all

[keferon]

I. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I’m okay I’m fine I’m okay I’m fine I’m oka

The fic I'm illustrating and losing my mind about 👉 Mistakes on mistakes until

[franeridart]

mishanks from the past two days because I’ve been……………..slightly taken. by them. just a bit. :)

[kelddaa]

mornings in the desert

[newttxt]

vague and sketchy captain trio shenanigans,, idk pretend theyre seastone bullets or something

[wellfine]

Probably from some modern AU where the Straw Hats all move into the Going Merry

[hinamie]

sympathy for cain

[meat-fr]

"they're not graceful", "they're not elegant", "They're not angelic"

-and i took that personally (as a challenge!)

[fauvester]

something something seeing things through different eyes