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jacquelinemerritt · 2 years ago

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Being a Transgender Nerd

Originally posted December 28th, 2015

Unpacking the male dominated culture of nerds from a trans woman’s perspective.

I have been a nerd all of my life.

That’s a statement I can’t see anyone objecting to. If you’ve met me, then it’s pretty obvious how nerdy I am; I’m arguably the biggest fan of Star Wars among anyone I know, I’ve spent a significant portion of my life obsessing over videogames (my favorites being Zelda and Metal Gear Solid), and I run a blog devoted to critically analyzing the abridged version of a popular anime. To put it simply, I have more nerd cred than I know what to do with, and I’ve loved investing myself in nerddom since I was a little kid.

I have also been a woman all of my life.

That statement, unlike the first, carries a small amount of potential controversy with it, given that I am a transgender woman (it’s thankfully much less dangerous a statement than it used to be, as our culture has becoming more understanding and accepting of trans people).

And to the benefit of those who would argue against my womanhood, I have not known all of my life that I was, in fact, a woman. This experience of growing up not knowing my true gender and assuming that I was a man has left me with a unique experience, and as a result, I have gained a deeper understanding of the way one’s gender affects their experience within nerd culture.

The hold that straight white men have upon the role of the protagonist is one of the things I noticed earliest. This however, did not help me understand my gender identity; it reinforced the idea that women were inferior, even though that idea wasn’t something I ever directly vocalized.

Of course, I still found myself drawn to the few female characters there were, and Asajj Ventress, a minor character from the Star Wars expanded universe, particularly caught my attention, as I could feel a lot of empathy for a woman whose troubled past had led her to embrace the Dark Side of the Force.

I quickly found myself rather obsessed with her, and I poured over every bit of media containing her that I could get my hands on, even when her lack of significance outside of the Clone Wars animated miniseries meant that most of that obsession was spent rereading her entry on the Star Wars “Databank*.”

Looking back, I see that that obsession rose not only out of a love for Ventress’ character, but out of a dire need to see women I could relate to in the media that I loved. Now, given the complex environment that I grew up in, it is unlikely that the inclusion of more women in Star Wars would have helped me understand my gender identity earlier (though honestly, who’s to say what could’ve helped), but I can safely say that the inclusion of more women would have helped me feel even more like the Star Wars universe belonged to me.

And while I don’t spend as much time obsessing over Asajj Ventress as I used to, thanks to “Star Wars: The Clone Wars,” she and the Star Wars universe have grown up about as much I have; where she used to be shown only as a tool of the men who would use her, she’s grown into a woman who abandons these men to live her own life, and is attempting to live a good life despite it the hold the Dark Side still has upon her. That version of Ventress, as it happens, is just the type of role model I needed back when I was a youngling.

*Back in the early 2000s, the official Star Wars website had a database of professionally written articles summarizing the history of each character and object present in the Star Wars universe. It was unfortunately discontinued a while back, but its spirit lives on through Wookieepedia.

#nerd culture #not sure how else to tag #oof #this piece is fine #the oof is not at the piece #the oof is for ventress being shown as her own woman #and not as a tool of the men around her #because since i wrote this #i have read star wars dark disciple #and fuck you katie lucas #quinlan vos should have given his life for ventress #she deserved someone in her life finally doing that for her #also i don't think this piece actually gets much into my experience as a trans nerd #it touches on what reached that repressed trans side of me #but i had a lot of horrifying experiences growing up as a 'boy'#and saw a lot of misogyny from nerds around me #who were often the only friends i really had

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hoofpeet · 5 months ago

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14 year old artists listen to me right now (gripping you by the shoulders) STOP caring about your "internet presence" right naow. Draw slower and stop trying to boil your art down to an acceptable marketable brand

#stop trying to finish every piece in one session so you can post more often... you're hurting yourself in the long run #i know from personal experience !!! please #you also don't have to post everything you draw... don't be afraid to do studies in case they look bad #you're not obligated to post them. studies probably will look shit at first but it's fine

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hinamie · 2 months ago

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10 years later

#my art #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk fanart #jujutsu kaisen fanart #yuji itadori #fushiguro megumi #nobara kugisaki #itafushi #itafushikugi #jjk spoilers #jjk manga spoilers #least heterosexual group photo ive ever drawn tbh #u have the kings of subtle pda and their judgy lesbian third wheel #this does remind me a lot of the kind of art i used to do jhgdjghdfj #specifically that one furuba main trio piece i did forever ago. same vibe better art #anyway......i tried my best........ i tried so hard #i do not know how old they look . the goal was 25/26 but atp i've gaslit myself into thinking they look the same #especially megumi im so . throws hands in the air in defeat #but idk what else i can do cries at least i like it??? i think???????#i don't know!!! if they look younger than 25 whatever!!!!!!!!#why is it so hard fr me to make chars look older im gna slam my head against the door #maybe its fine. idc <- (lie)#in other news itfs are married fight me abt it . yuuji rockin the right hand ring fr Lack Of Finger reasons #also i am Eating nobara's fit . she might also look a bit younger than intended the more i look at her gDI why cant i have nice things #new hairstyle carrying tbh. i think she would a. grow it out and b. switch the side she parts it on to make Seeing easier #god just take it all tht really matters 2 me is low pony nobara and Rings On Fingers itfs #i did my time in yoi i know how to make wedding bands Work

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sarcasticscribbles · 21 days ago

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Teenagers scare the living shit out of me

#FINE ill finish the gerry piece #THEN sasha the archivist eyepocalyse #the magnus archives #tma #mag #gerry keay #gerard keay

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o0kawaii0o · 8 months ago

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Ayo 😳

#fashion disaster #sanji must have dressed him up like this #I sadly had to cover my anatomy practice with cloths but hey #I had no idea what I was doing with the shading but it turned out fine #roronoa zoro #one piece #zoro pre time skip #he looks so serious and for what #o0kawaii0o #redraw

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skltart · 4 months ago

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pov you're some noble attending a royal gathering or whatever in camelot and you're all excited to meet the prince and then you get there and he's just hanging out with his twink of a manservant the whole night

#back on my clothing bullshit #art #my art #fanart #bbc merlin #merthur #merlin #arthur pendragon #bbc merlin fanart #i also kinda hate this piece but that is fine #im thinking of reworking my style a little. getting more loosey goosey with it. javing fun again yknow

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fuupan · 3 months ago

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penguins