#this man has seen you eat weirder shit

[avalordream]

Cove: Hey MC? Do you still want your Gameboy back-

MC: *eating cardboard like its crack*

Cove:

MC:

MC: ...please don't tell anyone

Cove: PLEASE STOP EATING CARDBOARD

[kithtaehyung]

minted (m) (snippet) | myg

title: minted (m) pairing: street king!yoongi x street cart vendor!reader rating/genre: m (18+) ; angst , smut ; haegeum au , gang au summary: all you do is wake up, sell your fruit on the dusty streets below your flat, and go to sleep. but everything changes when a customer you always look forward to seeing turns out to be dangerous. really, really dangerous. note: again, this wasn't on the docket for 2024 until i saw one (1) mint yoongi edit on my pinterest feed💀 anyways, this is dedicated to hali @sailoryooons for ur belated bday, nary @joonary for being a cutie pie and letting me adopt the tangerine cart girl idea in general, and luce @minttangerines for ur url and for being a wonderful friend. love you all! warnings: language, violence, weapons (guns/knives/chopsticks/etc.), blood/wounds mentions, drugs, alcohol, murder, gang activity, poor reader is just trying to get through the day, mint!yoongi, haegeum!yoongi, tatted!yoongi, his eyebrow is pierced, knife held to the throat, tension, reader suffers from “my cabbages” levels of disaster, orange!jimin, fight scenes, both versions of yoongi have their own red warning labels smut warnings: to be dropped on drop day but lmfaoooo est. drop date: july 2024! teaser word count: 486 total word count: projecting 15-20k✌️

With a head full of thoughts, you stare into nothing, stirring your noodles and waiting for the heat to die down. 

Maybe you should’ve just walked a shorter distance and checked the shops you originally wanted to browse. If things went to plan, you could’ve been back home by now, freshly showered and curling up on your worn bed. 

But instead, your feet are sore, your head is anything but washed, and you have to trek home empty-handed—on the first day off you’ve had in months. 

Defeated, you sigh, going back to your bowl and watching diced vegetables swirl in aromatic broth. 

At least the food in this area seems good. And the fading decor really adds to the… 

Ambiance. 

Wait. 

You can’t pull your eyes away from the group walking in, bringing heat from the sweltering sun on their clothes and in their eyes. 

But you can only kid yourself for so long because the one that has your gaze tethered is the man in front. The one you haven’t seen in weeks. The one looking right back at you with a visage so shadowed you feel like moving tables to let him pass. 

…Yoongi? 

As he gets closer, you swallow hard, not expecting to see him and having no earthly idea what to do. 

But from the slight confusion pinching his forehead, he didn’t expect to see you, either. Which makes it even weirder when he slowly takes your chopsticks right from your fingers. 

Hold on, what—

“What are you—”

A lone, long digit over lips is the only response you get, silencing you immediately before you whip your head around to watch him rush past. 

All of them waste no time rushing up the stairs, a myriad of blues blending in with gritty paint and smoke. 

And just like that, your reunion is over. 

Home. You need to go home. Leave, leave, leave, because something is bound to be going down upstai—

A thud faintly shoots out into the staircase, and you spin around again in your chair, eyes snapping to the ceiling. 

Shit. 

Even though you’re on high alert, you realize with a quick sweep that no one else is noticing. Or moving. Or even paying attention to anything else but their own company. 

Does no one else care about the commotion? Do hits happen in this area that often? 

Mind running, you can’t decide what to do. Because even though Yoongi’s guys have plenty of weapons, he clearly had nothing since he needed to borrow your damn eating utensils.

Another crash rains dust on conversations around your shoulders, causing you to look up one last time. 

Go home, go home, go home. In what universe would Yoongi himself ever need your help here?

With one more look at your noodles, you curl your lips before biting a side. 

Already yelling at yourself for choosing to book it towards the back staircase.

-

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tbc :)))

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⟶ what do we feel! | 🥢 join the taglist 🥢 | masterlist

a/n: LETS GOOOO WHO IS HYPED BCCC..

[heart-eyed-love]

Cigarettes, Driving Lessons, And Hurt Feelings

Summary | Eddie gets his feelings hurt when you go to someone else to help teach you how to drive. Even more so when its Steve Harrington.

Contains | Fem!Reader, Friends-to-Lovers, Cursing, mentions of having a period, jealousy, bad driver Eddie (hopefully i didn’t forget anything)

Word count | 3k

Cigarettes.

That was the only thing Eddie thought he’d be getting from the gas station. He didn't expect to be getting his feelings hurt there too.

He was already pulling a cigarette out of the pack once he exited the store. It was hanging loosely from his lips as he began to pull his lighter out, but he was quickly distracted by Steve Harrington's BMW parked across the lot.

He could tell it was Steve’s from the copious amount of times he had seen him come pick up Dustin from hellfire. And he’s definitely heard plenty about him.

Ever since Dustin had joined hellfire Steve has been a recurring topic in his life. Eddie had to sit through many lunch periods with Dustin babbling about how ‘cool’ and ‘badass’ Steve Harrington was. It was beyond annoying to be honest.

It made him more upset to see you so interested in these stories. The idea of one of his closest friends being enamored by the stupid stories of a douche was not something he was very keen on.

And especially since you’re already friends with Robin Buckley, who weirdly had sparked up a friendship with the king of himself. He always wondered if Steve ever tagged along on your outings with Robin.

You hadn’t informed him that he was your designated driver for just about all of them.

He wasn’t entirely sure when Steve started hanging out with all the freaks of Hawkins but he didn’t like the positive attention Steve was suddenly gaining from people who weren’t a part of the dark side.

So Eddie took it upon himself to be a pain in Steve’s ass every time he could.

A shit eating grin spreads across his face as he begins walking up from behind. Putting the cigarette away again.

As he approached the drivers side of the car, he noticed it wasn’t the side of the back of Steve's head he was walking up on. He slowed his pace.

Shit. Maybe this wasn’t his car?

But when the head in the seat moved just enough for Eddie to gauge the fact that it was you his eyes widened for a second.

Since when did you drive?!

Wait- Since when did you hang out with fucking Harrington!?!

The smirk that was once on his face was now lost at the sight of you in Steve’s car. Unfortunately, he had gotten close enough for you to see him. 

You turned your head at the sight of someone approaching in your peripheral vision. Surprised to see Eddie slowing his walk once he saw you. You nervously turned your head to Steve in the passenger seat and then back to Eddie, before rolling the window down.

“Uh- hey, Eddie. What’s up?” Your voice came off a little more nervously than you intended and you slightly cringed at yourself.

“Since when did you start driving?” Right to the point, you think. You could tell by the look on his face he was already a bit displeased with the situation at hand.

Eddie had offered to help teach you to drive multiple times, and you were always really grateful for that, even though you denied him every time. Never really explaining to him why not, but he never asked either.

“Yeah, uh- Steve offered to teach me so I took him up on it.” The awkward smile felt even weirder on your face when it’s directed at him. You and Eddie weren’t like this with each other.

Sure maybe at the beginning of your friendship you were awkward with each other, but that was a sweet awkward, this was an uncomfortable one.

Steve's head pops into Eddie's view with an awkward smile.

“Hey, man…” Steve says awkwardly, but somehow he still has that charm to him. Eddie straightens his body out slightly, trying to make himself bigger than he really is. Steve chuckles softly to himself as he leans back into his seat.

The small interaction going unnoticed by you as you fidget with your earring, waiting for Eddie to say something again. He was kind of making you feel like you had done something wrong, maybe you had…

It wasn’t anything personal, if you could have anyone teach you anything, you’d pick Eddie.

But just maybe not for this. 

Driving already freaked you out, and it didn’t help that the person who was offering to teach you was probably one of the most hectic drivers you knew.

You honestly had a really hard time believing he actually passed his drivers test. The way he flops you around in the passenger seat as he turns corners was enough to tell you if you were going to be taught how to drive, it wasn’t going to be by him. 

“Hey.” Eddie said, eyes flicking to Steve then back to you. You couldn’t tell exactly what he was feeling. It was making you feel weird, it was usually so easy for you to tell. “I’ve told you multiple times I could teach you how to drive.” 

You cringe a bit at his tone. And you are only able to come up with a lame excuse as your rebuttal. “Oh, yeah… I forgot…” Shit. You sound so fucking lame right now.

“Yeah, whatever…” He rolls his eyes as he looks over to the side before looking back to you. “I gotta get going, meeting up with Hellfire…” He says, but it’s a lie. He usually he would be eager to invite you with but, he wanted to make you feel bad, like how you just made him feel. “See you later.”

And he already walking away before you can even say ‘bye’ back, eyebrows furrowing as you watch him walk away and out of your view.

“Later man.” Steve shouted out so Eddie could hear him and he watched him walk away through his side mirror. “That was…interesting.”

You look over to Steve, “Do you think he’s mad?” You ask and the look of distress on your face goes unnoticed by Steve, who is still looking in the mirror watching something.

“Are you kidding?! he’s fucking pissed…” Steve giggles slightly, but hears a groan from you as you slump down in the driver's seat and he snaps his gaze to you. “Hey, I mean it’s not your fault…”

“Yes, it is. He offered to teach me so many times, I just- I didn't think he’d be upset…” 

Steve puts a comforting hand on your shoulder, and smiles. “Why do you think Dustin has me picking him up instead of having his new best friend, Eddie? Cause i think we all have gathered Eddie isn’t the most expertise driver…”

You roll your eyes, and a small smile spreads on your face as you look up at Steve. “You do realize that Dustin talks you up so much to us, right? Like I’m pretty sure the whole hellfire table has heard just about every cool thing you’ve probably ever done? He told us how badass you are…” Steve seems slightly taken aback by that.

He knew Dustin hadn’t told them everything, but the fact that he still thought he was cool enough, even without talking about his experiences with the upside down. It bumped his ego up.

“Henderson said that…?” A small smile tugs at his lips as well.

“Yeah, he really looks up to you. I think it pisses Eddie off…” You let out a small giggle and Steve's smile spreads fully. You could tell that definitely helped boost his ego a bit.

“Yeah, well I hear plenty about him too, so… the feelings are mutual.” You giggle at that. “So, do you feel okay with continuing the lesson?” You nod your head. Might as well, right.

Even with the slight hiccup in your plan, Steve’s stays dedicated and continues helping you with practicing. Though, you have a tough time getting Eddie out of your head.

And Eddie is already half way through town, speeding to get back home before you guys even pull out of the lot.

Recklessly driving down the gravel road of the trailer park. Nearly knocking his neighbors mailbox out from its spot again. Hastily parking his van in front of the trailer and slamming his door shut.

He was less than quiet when he walked inside. Unfortunately, for the older man that resided in the living room, sleeping the day away, over tired from his night shifts. “You could at least try and be quiet.” Eddie heard his uncle mutter from the couch in the dark living room, as Eddie threw his keys onto the counter.

“You were gonna be up in fifteen minutes anyways…” Eddie grumbled as looked at the clock before opening the fridge. Pulling out a beer for himself, and popping the lid off, then chugging some down.

“Kinda early for that isn’t it?” Wayne questioned as he began to rise on the couch where he had previously passed out. Lean against the back of the coach as he observed his nephew. Eddie just grumbled out a sound and Wayne eyed him harder.

“What’s the matter. What’s got ya actin’ all pouty?” His uncle finally asks.

“I’m not being pouty.” Eddie says back defensively, scrunching his face, his uncle’s eyes widened slightly and he chuckles.

“Yeah, sure you’re not…” Wayne chuckles again before heading off to the bathroom, and Eddie rolls his eyes. All he wanted to do right now was smoke a joint and lay in his room and stare at the ceiling.

So, that’s exactly what he did for the rest of the night. Just sitting on the fact that you were finally being taught how to drive… by someone other than him. And Steve Harrington nonetheless.

Would you still let him drive you around?

You finally pull into your driveway, parking Steve’s car.

“So… what’s the verdict?” You ask as you look over to him. 

“Honestly, you’re doing pretty good out there, we could just do like one more lesson, just to make you feel better though…” It was nice to hear. You’ve had about 3 lessons with him before this one, so yeah, it was nice to know you were getting better.

“Yeah, okay. That works…” You smile but it’s not fully, and Steve can tell something’s off.

“I promise you’ll do good, you don’t have to worry. You’re already natural…” He offers you a smile, comforting you for the second time that day. Wow, you felt pathetic.

“Thanks, but- I’m just nervous about Eddie…” You admit. The thought that Eddie could actually be upset with you right made your nerves rise.

In all of the time of you being friends you guys hadn’t really had any problems. Sure you bickered and teased, but that’s all in good fun. That’s part of what made you like him, like really like him, you weren’t like that with anyone else.

“It’ll be fine, I'm sure he’s just butt-hurt, teaching someone to drive is a big step…” He says as he begins unbuckling and opening up the passenger door. You rush to turn his car off and hop out as well.

“A big step…?” You ask as you round the hood of the car to meet him.

“Yeah, I guess it’s kind of a special thing, you know… it’s like we’re sending you off into the world…” He teases you with a chuckle and ruffles your hair.

You shove his arm away with playfully scoff.

“I’m just learning how to drive, it's not that deep…” You blush slightly.

“Yeah, well I'm sure he’s just worried that you aren’t gonna need him to drive you around or whatever, and he’s upset that he wasn't even the one who got to send you out…” He is still teasing you but his words somehow hit you deep. 

Shit. You just realized Eddie wasn’t gonna be driving you around everywhere anymore…

“Maybe I should apologize to him…” You admit softly.

“I mean, if that’s what feels right, then yeah, I'd say do it. It can’t hurt, I'm sure it’ll make him feel better about it…”

You nod your head softly, looking up to meet Steve’s eyes. “You know, thanks for all your emotional support today, you’re one of the last people i’d expect to get it from, but thanks…” You giggled as Steve’s brows furrowed for a second trying to hold back his smile.

“Yeah, whatever…” He says walking back towards the driver's side of his car. Smiling when you can’t see his face and he spins the keys around his finger. “One more lesson, then you’re off to take your drivers test, got it?” 

You smile and nod your head when he faces you. He gives a nod back before hopping back into his car, waving as he pulls out of your driveway.

You head back inside. Going over in your head what to say to Eddie. 

You settled on apologizing to him tomorrow at school. Doing it over the phone felt wrong.

The next day when you walk into the school building you wait for Eddie by his locker. He’s usually pretty slow at getting to school, it wasn’t surprising that it was taking awhile.

But then the bell rings and he still hasn’t arrived and you worry that maybe today is one of the days he decided to skip, and you wouldn’t be able to apologize.

You make your way to your first hours and through your other classes, leg anxiously bouncing throughout the day.

When you walk into your fourth hour and see Eddie sitting towards the back of the class you’re surprised. 

Wait?

He actually showed up today?

Was he avoiding you?

The seats around him have already been taken so you settle for the seat two over from his. He acknowledged as your eyes met when you walked towards your seat. But nothing was said.

As class went on you kept glancing over at him. He was actually writing down the notes the had written on the board.

Until the most recent glance over when you realize he's standing up from his desk and walking towards the teacher, asking to use the bathroom and the teacher waving him off with the flip of his hand.

And Eddie walked out of the classroom. This was your chance.

Were you gonna corner him? Yes. But you wouldn’t have to if he hadn’t been avoiding you.

A couple minutes pass you and stand from your seat, walking up to the teacher just as Eddie did.

“May I please use the restroom?” You ask as politely as you can, hoping he doesn’t apply the one person in the bathroom at a time rule.

“Once he gets back.” He muttered, writing something onto the board.

Fine. Time to pull out the big guns.

“Well, I'm actually having lady problems right now, so-“ He cuts you off with a more frantic wave of his hand as he motioned you your access to leave the room.

Once you exit the classroom you’re started by a voice next to you. “Lady problems?’ Eddie questions from next to you where he leans against the lockers. 

“I wanted to talk to you…” You say softly, as you approach him.

“I could tell, you kept looking over at me.”

You feel your cheeks burning slightly. 

Did he notice you do that all those other days too?

“You’re avoiding me.” You state simply, hoping maybe he’ll elaborate before you apologize.

“I wasn’t.” He says back, but your eyebrows furrow and he knows you know.

“Look, Eddie… I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings with all that driving stuff… I didn't mean to…” You finally admit, and you can see him soften slightly. Surprised by your apology.

“I just don't understand, I've offered to teach you…” His voice is soft, you've only ever heard it like that when he's talking to you. It makes you feel special to have such a privilege. “Or you just want Steve to teach you?” And sweet moment over, tone shifting slightly to accusatory.  

You roll your eyes, of course this was about being petty with Steve. “Eddie, I don’t care who teaches me to drive. I would, you know, just prefer to be taught by a good driver…”

He furrowed his eyebrows at your words, “I’m a good driver.” And you have to suppress the giggle that wants to slip from your lips. He notices though, and it only causes him to get more defensive, somehow furrowing his brows more. “Hey! I'm a good driver.”

“Dude,” Eddie narrows his eyes at the word, “You’re literally the most reckless driver I know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you going the speed limit.”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes, “I choose to drive that way, that doesn’t mean I can't drive well.”

“Well, this is news to me.”

There's a silence between you two as you stand in the hallway. You came out here to apologize, but you don’t feel like you’re doing a very good job at it. “Look, I am sorry, okay… I’m not trying to make you feel bad… Obviously I'd rather you teach than Steve.”

Eddie's features soften slightly. He knows that he’s being a pain in the ass, but he just couldn’t help getting his feelings hurt from the whole ordeal.

“I'm sorry…” Is all he knows to say. He's not always good with his words, he'd like to elaborate more on how he feels, but he doesn’t really think he can without making the big confessing.

“It’s okay, Eddie. I know it was a shitty move on my part, but I promise the only reason Steve is teaching me is because he has the driving skills of a mother with a baby on board...” You tease slightly, hoping the mood had shifted enough to be playful with him.

“I can be more careful, and I could teach you…” His voice is soft.

“I’m sure you could, but Steve’s taking me out driving one last time and then I’m going to take my test.” You smile softly up at him, and he rolls his eyes again. But you know him well enough to know it means nothing.

“Well…” He starts out raising his eyebrows and tilting his head at you, you raise your back in return, already worried for what he's about to request.

So here you are on a new day, opening the driver's door to Steve’s car and plop into your seat, prepared for your final driving practice before your test. You look over to Steve in the passenger seat with a smile. Then to the back seat where Eddie seats in the middle, leaning forward, sticking his head between the two seats.

“Ready?” You ask, smiling over at him, “You might wanna take some notes.”

[quantum1mmortality]

Guess who's suffering from writers block!!! No but fr I wanna write SO BAD but I just can't 😭😭 so take some twst pp hcs until I decide to work on commissions again

Not proofread idc shank me

♧CW!!! Fem reader! twst dick hcs duh, every NRC student EXCLUDING ortho, might have some other hcs too

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♧♧~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Riddle:

Its... cute? Idk how to explain it

He is VERY sensitive

5.5 inches

Slight curve downward

The tip is a really deep red

Cum is watery, tastes like rosewater(this is a fantasy world i can make cum taste like anything i want)

Balls aren't all that heavy, very soft and squishy tho

Likes rimming. No further comments

Trey:

EEK MY BOY

I'm gonna try not to be biased

Hes BIG tho

I know you've seen him. Let's be honest, we all know he's PACKING

So I'm gonna say a solid 7-8 inches with a nice amount of girth

No curve, but very veiny

Heavy balls. Like, HEAVY. Bros got a whole bakery in there

Soft pink tip

Cum is the normal consistency, he takes care of himself

If you're sucking him off he'll change the flavor of his cock and his cum to whatever you want (thank god for doodle suit)

Cater:

Easy 7 inches

Not too sensitive, it takes a while for him to cum

His cum is pretty thick, its all the spicy ramen he eats

Curve upward, huge thick vein going from his balls to the tip

Cum tastes salty, but not overwhelming

Will have his clones fuck you silly

Deuce:

Another small boy

I'll say 6 inches, no curve

Hes sensitive too, but not as much as riddle

He really like getting his balls sucked more than his cock itself

Cum is watery too, but it tastes good

Like sweet in a way

Tip is a light blue dont ask why

Ace:

Another small boy 😭

He is CLUELESS

Poor man is a one pump chump

5.6 inches, curve to the left

SENSETIVE. pussy got this boy on his knees

Balls squishy, balls soft?

Yes to both

His rip is red, like a blush red

Azul:

A good 6ish inches with a curve downward

Not as sensitive as you may think

I think it would be funny if the bottom of his cock had like little suckers or some shit

Tip is dark purple and he has some veins, not many tho

Heavy balls, no squish :(

Cum is thick and black bc octopus

Tastes like what watered down hand sanitizer smells like

Jade:

😨

Its slimy.

No further comment on that

No but its like wet, a lot

So is floyds but we aren't there yet

Its like lube 🥺

Okay but he's LONG

8.5 AT LEAST

He also enjoys rimming

Tip is dark cyan

Cum is slimy too

Add some borax water and sell it on etsy

Floyd:

Basically the same as Jade

Hes smaller tho

Hes 6 inches but has SO much girth

His cum is more watery than slimy and the tip is a light blue

Lots of veins too

Kalim:

6 inches

So sensitive

He begs.

Loves blow jobs but would NEVER ask for them

Heavy soft balls

A dark brown tip and there's lil red swirlies

Cum is thick

Tastes like coconut toothpaste

Jamil:

mmmmmmmmMMMMMMM

BIG

So big

Destroy me PLEASE

7.8 inches and a big curve upwards

Likes fingers in his ass, just like Kanye west

Doesn't like blow jobs he cums too quick :(

Gets overstimulated easily and when he does hes highly submissive

Cum a lil thick (its all the curry he eats)

Its yummy tho

Tastes salty and a lil sweet

Like a pretzel

Tip is a redish-brownish

Vil:

Hes a very odd case

Hes big, dont get me wrong

But mans does NOT have sex 😭

He complains it ruins his makeup

7.4 inches with a few veins

Oh yeah hes unclipped too idk why but he is

Tip is a pinky purple color

Balls got some weight, they're not sensitive

Rook:

Hes an even weirder case

Hes very big but almost NEVER penetrates you

Hed much rather be in between your legs for hours on end

Making you cum on his face gives him so much pleasure

He doesn't touch himself either

When he's eating you out he has one hand thrusting fingers into your pussy, the other hand thrusting fingers into your ass(hes an ass man I know he is) while he sucks on your clit the whole time

He cums on the sheets whenever you do bc he knows how good you feel

Hes 8.5 inches with a curve down, large vein going upward

A creme colored tip

Cum normal consistency, you don't know what it tastes like because he never let's you suck him off :(

Epel:

Small boy

Whimpers

A lot

Hes 6 inches with a curve to the left

Light purple tip bc I said so

Light balls, but no squish :(

Cum is watery and tastes like lavender oil

Idia:

Oh god

Contrary to popular belief he has a lot of stamina

He doesn't have ANY experience tho

Played a lot of hentai games but thats the extent of his experience

I think it would be really funny if instead of whispering dirty talk or praise during sex he tells you the fnaf lore

Like he'll be blowing your back out and he'll just be like "so the crying child was actually william aftons son-" and then he cums

After hes done and doing aftercare he'll quiz you on the fnaf lore

If you get any of the questions wrong he'll fuck you until you can't walk as a punishment

If you get them all right he'll eat you out for hours until you also can't walk

Win win honestly

8 inches

TIP IS BLUUUEEEEEE

Cum is thick and salty, he doesn't take care of himself

Heavy, HEAVY balls. Very sensitive

He loves blow jobs too

Leona:

8.8 inches, but if we're being real to how ACTUAL lion anatomy is hes closer to 3 inches but yall aren't ready for that convo

Not sensitive at all, it takes so long for him to cum

But when he does hes so sweet, whispering praise after praise to you and lots of kisses

Cum is normal consistency, a lil on the thicker end

Its a bit bitter with a sweet aftertaste

Hes also unclipped and I will not elaborate

Idk if lions have them but if they do then he has a knot, not as big as jacks tho

Heavy balls, they're sensitive

Brown tip, like, dark brown tip

Ruggie:

7ish inches with a curve down

Also likes eating you out

Doesn't like having his balls touched

They're cute and squishy tho

Cum is also thick and doesn't taste like anything

Tip is a light brown and has a vein going through it

Jack:

8 inches.

Has a huge knot. Physically cannot pull out when it comes to it

Cum tastes like strawberries

Doesn't let you suck him off often bc he doesn't wanna knot in your mouth

Also gets pleasure from eating you out

Tip is grey and sensitive

Malleus:

Hes also like rook in the way he'd eat you out for hours if you'd let him

But he does penetrate you

Our big dragon boy loves the feeling of being inside your tight cunt

Will probably cum if you praise him

He has 2.

One on top one on the bottom

The one on top is longer, 9 inches while the one on the bottom is 7ish, the bottom one is a lot thicker tho

He'll be so slow easing them in and almost never goes fast when it comes to sex

He sees it as love making

They both have a black tip and the cum is normal consistency, tastes like... eggs? Hardboiled don't ask

Oh yeah his cum glows in the dark

Lilia:

Idc what you guys say this man is SO EXPERIENCED

He knows how to have sex properly and can make you cum in seconds if he feels like it

7 inches, his dick is where all his height went

Because he's so experienced he doesn't cum easily

PINK TIP PINK TIP

His cum is normal consistency, a little watery maybe

Tastes like citrus

Silver:

Loves when you ride him

Likes missionary too tho

7 inches too

His tip is grey

Very sensitive and gets overstimulated easily

Hes also just very submissive in general

Cum is watery and tastes like what a new car smells like

Sebek:

LOUD

SO LOUD

CANT TAKE THIS BITCH ANYWHERE

Cries during sex

Loves when you pull his hair

Does he have horns? If he does they're very sensitive

Cums if you touch them

Hes a crocodile right

Nah he has horns

8 inches no other comments

GREEN TIP

Cum is thick and bitter

We love him tho

Balls squishy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♧♧~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: im so fuckibg tired god help me

[thanatika]

yeah i agree with your point about survival mechanics and i feel the same way about the lack of combat mechanics. "why would an educated city doctor need a weapon" because shit is hitting the fan in every way impossible and pretty much everyone is walking around armed... also why am i supposed to believe the the fact that he's a man of intellect will somehow provide him with food? i don't think anyone is going to be too eager to share food during an outbreak intellectual or not...

+ follow up for the previous ask but actually my favorite quest from the original pathologic is the day 11 bachelor quest that involves shooting down soldiers. i think it really drives the point home about how this random fuckass guy who is supposed to be battling a plague doesn't even have the time to do that anymore because the people in charge are asking completely irrelevant things of him now and he's at a position where he cannot refuse what is being asked of him. like i think it was good storytelling that even as the guy who lowkey wants to deal with the plague and solve its mystery you still have other, more pressing, less interesting and or pleasant tasks to complete

i agree! honestly, i feel this way about the combat mechanics even more than i do about the physical survival (food, health, illness, sleep) mechanics. because sure, i can see how it makes sense for daniil's position of authority to mean that his basic needs are somewhat provided for -- although i don't think it makes more sense than what we got in the original game. i've never seen anyone bring up "isn't it kind of unrealistic that the bachelor isn't given lots of food during a massive food shortage?" as a plothole that needed to be resolved. the townspeople generally don't like him much, and most of the people with power don't either, except for the kains. sure, maybe it's kind of weird that you can go see the kains while broke and on the verge of keeling over from hunger, and they won't do anything to help you, but... the kains are pretty self-centered, and they're so goddamn weird that maybe they forget that you need to eat food to live anyway. and it's half-implied that the powers that be are ultimately giving daniil this role as a convenient way to kill him, so it makes sense that they would put no pressure on the town authorities to keep him alive.

(and honestly, artemy is taken under the olgimsky's auspices as much as the kains take daniil's under theirs! which is to say, selfishly, with ulterior motives that are more important to them than the well-being of their healer, but... the olgimskys are set up as the wealthiest of the 3 families financially, as well as the ones with the most access to food, given their control over the meat industry. so if anything it's "weirder" that artemy isn't more materially provided for, though to be clear i don't think there's an actual plothole there either way.)

but anyway, you could handwave it and say that daniil's position of privilege and authority gives him more perks than he got in the original game, but the amount of fighting you have to do to get through town is... kind of an unavoidable physical reality? like you're given so many sidequests that you often wind up walking around town after dark, and that's when the bandits come out. is the idea that the bandits would be too scared to attack him because he's so important? because that doesn't make a lot of sense to me, and even pathologic 2 establishes that he's seen as a valuable target by the bandits:

and then there's the quests where combat plays a more direct role in the story itself, like getting involved in saving andrey from the firing squad, or killing guards to break artemy out of prison, or the quest where you have to kill var in attempt to stop the arsonists (which i include on the same tier as the other ones because i really like the quest journal entry he has if you complete it where he blames himself for willow's death. it's a good character moment.)

hell, even in pathologic 2 itself, one of the biggest Bachelor Moments is on day 11, when you have that big dramatic convo with him after he killed a soldier for the papers he was delivering. plus one of bad grief's idle dialogues in patho 2 is commentary on the bachelor being "quick on the draw" and that he "already shot someone". like he just straight up is not living a combat-free existence. and overall, combat isn't just a good tool from a mechanical perspective, heightening the stakes and placing pressure on the player (though it is), it's also pretty important for him on a thematic level imo, almost as important as artemy and his "rivers of blood". in patho classic, daniil has this early interaction with the inquisitor:

which, thinking about it from a doylist perspective, was probably the writers' attempt to make it sound more plausible that this random medical researcher from the big city was competent with multiple types of guns. and i appreciate them coming up with that hint of backstory to cover their bases a bit, but with those bases covered, i think the fact that daniil ultimately spends more time shooting people than he does prescribing medicines for them actually does a lot for him thematically? i mean, if his whole thing is that he's this "tempted destroyer", someone who frames his career as a combative battle with death rather than a quest to save people's lives, whose "default" solution is to raze the town with artillery because he's too limited by his rationalist worldview and military upbringing (and bitterness over being manipulated and sabotaged) to come up with a solution that saves the any remaining infected survivors on his own. plus the way that clara frames artemy and daniil as two sides of the same coin in being violent destroyers and killers, who without player intervention will immediately devolve to running around chasing each other down in what's either an insanely dedicated tom and jerry LARP or some really elaborate foreplay. imo, that whole dichotomy (which is pretty core to the game, as the idea of dichotomies are core to it in general) works so much better with the way they're both presented in classic, stalking around with gun/scalpel in hand. hell, not to mention the effect that spending 12 in-game days trying not to starve and getting killed by bandits or guards or worms or soldiers every day would have on the player, and the way it would make them feel about the town and their natural projection of those feelings onto dankovsky, who is a perfectly fitting vessel for them as the avatar actually undergoing those virtual experiences.

ultimately i think they are mainly going this direction out of a desire to do something more creative and original, which is fine... it just seems a bit silly to me that they keep saying "well obviously that doesn't really work for the bachelor's scenario", when, well... even as recently as patho 2 in 2019, they seemed to think it fit his narrative pretty well! i'm also guessing that a lack of combat won't be that bandits are just no longer roaming the streets at night. it sounds more like pathologic 3 is set to be more of a nonlinear experience, where you'll probably fast travel from place to place instead of having to walk across town so much? so you'll be avoiding bandits just in the sense that the gameplay will be avoiding them. i guess i'm hoping that at the very least, there's still the implication of the crunch of not getting enough sleep or food and the threat of being stabbed to death while trying to get through town occurring to dankovsky in the background, even if those mechanics are deemphasized in favor of more macro-level town resource management, time control, and sherlock holmes fruit ninja or whatever the hell they were on about back in 2022 lmao.

[bloogers-boogers]

Got inspired to write this from @cakerybakery post !! Love them

Lucifer couldn’t help himself from the mixture of dreaded feelings he was experiencing at that moment, unable to sleep after realizing his clone and… Adam, were.. they had something. It was weird to even acknowledge it but how could you not? When you caught the enemy being in the arms of your clone sharing a passionate kiss. It was like your world froze at that exact point.

He didn’t know his clones could get to that position of consciousness, until he drained all the images, memories and thoughts his clone gave him after being evaporated out from existence. He didn’t think… it would feel. It felt so much during that time he was given the task to get Adam to safety and be healed. He didn’t even order him to do it himself! He was asked to be taken to a healer not to be the healer. Dumb clone.

He sighed while placing both hands on his desk, clawing the wood from time to time, he couldn’t believe it but the proof was right there. In his brain from vivid memories, from fresh feelings... The clone had fallen in love with Adam, and Adam… he too, had fallen for the clone version of himself. Now the results from such things are imprinted on Adam’s face when he sees him.

Being stuck at his daughter’s hotel has given the unpleasant experience for both men to see each other.

It’s like, a pang of guilt but also awkwardness hits every time their eyes met. Adam was clearly in pain but also angry at him. And well, it was not ideal to visualize your enemy naked in bed after having hardcore sex with your clone self.

That clone was fucking freaky too, went beyond what he’d ever done with Lilith. Crazy kinky motherfucker, made it even ten times weirder to handle seeing Adam when all he can see was the man being pounded on the wooden bed he had hand made to keep him safe and comfortable when he was still in the first few days of recovery. Then being use to fulfill the dirtiest desires they had in mind.

He shook his head, shooing all those thoughts away. All he ever wanted now is to have never discover what had happened but if he hadn’t who knows how much deeper it could’ve gotten between those two.

The guilt was eating him alive. In a way. He had taken another love from Adam’s life. In a way… he had hurt Adam again.

“Dad?” Charlie called out from behind the door of his workshop, snapping him out from his inner conflicted monologue.

“Yes, apple pie?”

“The activities are about to start, if.. you want to join? Will be downstairs.”

“In a minute, pumpkin! I’ll be right there.”

Lucifer sighed heavily, puffing out his chest, cheeks full with air, fists clenched tightly. It wasn’t his fault. This shouldn’t be weird. He shouldn’t be the one hiding! He didn’t ask for Adam to fuck his clone, he didn’t ask for his clone to had fallen in love with Adam!

He will be fine.

.

.

.

He is not fine.

Lucifer watched carefully as Adam had been teamed up with three hound sinners, one who was awfully close and constantly flirting with him. And Adam seemingly entertaining it.

He was not in any way jealous, but he was particularly beyond furious on his clone behalf. How could he be so easy going with some hussy after the supposedly “love of his life” died in-front of him.

Adam was a slut. His only conclusion. After all, he does recall this is the same man that most likely shoved his manhood inside all heaven when he was still up there. He knows. Adam would brag that shit in their dumb yearly reunions. All the fucking time.

Honestly, he wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case all along with his clone. Maybe, all this time Adam just saw him as a fuck buddy while he was still at his care until he fully recovered back to his dick self.

No. That can’t be. There was a lot of… personal and tender exchanges the two had for it to be just seen as something light. It’s unlikely.

He breathed out the air he had trapped in, unaware that he popped the ball he held in his hands.

“Man! Now we had to get a new one!” He heard Angel dust groaned out annoyed.

But he didn’t care. He needed to talk to Adam. They’ve ignored this for too long.

[rusty-gloinks]

MURDER DRONES EPISODE 5 : Random details and favorite parts of this episode

Will be putting major spoilers under cuts if anyone has NOT seen the new episode, or has yet to see it. CW/TW: Blood, body horror, murdery stuff! SPOILERS!! AHHH!!! You get the point. I am not responsible for your actions :3

(This post is a mix of different things btw, Md related tho)

None of this will be in order, and I might need to make a PART TWO!!! Since the total is 45 images. :’)

FIRST UP. I would like to take the time to appreciate doll so have some LOVELY LITTLE images of her I took.

She looks so fucking awesome???? Like holy shit. She slayed!!!!!

not to be fruity .but. yea

SHE. also Isn’t that the campsite? Or just a different location with the same appearance.

OKAY. Next up. BABYGIRL . I SQUEALED AT LIKE EVERY SCENE OF THEM SHES SO FUCKING CUTE. MAN😭

BLEEEEEH (I’m going to make this my icon soonthat was the purpose of the screenshot. Also because I love them)

World is mine by Hatsune mi- cyn. World is mine by cyn. The famous vocaloid /j (HSES 😭😭😭😭)

Noticing how her balance is SOOO Much better while holding someone?. Also MOOD .just like me .real 💔

i lov e you🥺EEEK /p. Shes melting

MY SIB AND I WERE FUCKIJG DYING OVER THE PUPPY EYES.LMAO. I love their humor

J* , and they locked her in the basement. I am so SAD about this information

PROTECTIVE BIG BRO MODE…babys

Okay, listen, i know these 2 got shipped before the release but OUCH this makes things so much weirder!!! eugh:( (mainly saw em as friends.tttotallt not becsuse I project my friendship with my silly mutual onto them.no. /sarc)

anyways forget them being friends as my headcanon. THEYRE FUCKING SIBLINGS EVEN BETTER!!! (prjdedcts me and my elder sib onto th— *gets killed /j*

GAY RIGHTS(After the 2nd watch i realized she was making them kiss each other and I started laughing so hard my sides hurt)

Okay glitch QUIT SHOWING OFF. god damn !!!!! Literally appreciating this scenery so hard. 10000/10. :3

YKNOW HW I WANTED TO SEE TEARS IN THE NEW EPISODE!! LOOK. KIND OF CLOSE!!

LOOK HES SOBBING!!!! ALMOST. I GOT WHAT I WANTED OMFG!!!!! YAYYA!!!! (Love it when ppl cry /j

Lovely little lad. Reading abt dogs:) so cute…

subtle hints of favoritism..👀(she obvs likes J more I think,)

I love how immediately i could tell this was drawn by Liam. Canonically J in the show but like his style is so adorable and bouncy!!!! AND LIKE yummyys:3 eated

Cute detail in Uzi’s room. SHE LIKES BABY COWS GUYS. ITS TIME TO MAKE FANART OF UZI WITH BABY COWS. /J

Blushys:)!

For those wondering what this is it’s basically a ripoff of YouTube. The caption is titled "Top 100 Doors ever!!11!" and then the views at the bottom 😭😭. KHAN AND HIS FUCKING DOORS GOD DAMNIT

This part scared the shit out of me i was literally about to cry. I THIUGHTT SHE KILLED HIM

I had to slow this down and repeat the same clip OVER AND OVER Just to get it right, apparently the solver can swap roles? (The order is supposed to be yellow then purple since Uzi takes over as an admin instead of CYN.) very cool.

STP FIGHTING D:

BOTH VRY SCARY :(

Better glimpse of her backpack. Cute little skullbat zipper!! Also batteries. 👍

Apparently DEAD BATTERIES, aka the logo on Uzi’s sweater could be a possible band? Or reference to a band I don’t know? Like how they have my chemical robots (or something like that) as a ref to the band MCR (romance).

Sigh., N was that you.

Conlang? Fictional language? Glyphs? I’m assuming it’s VERY important (since liam lovessss foreshadowing, i will further elaborate). Hoping there will be ways to "simplify" it to english!

Yknow how in episode 2 Uzi takes braidens sentience or sumn like dat. Yea 💀

Alright I’ve hit the limit, gonna rb again with part 2!!!!! Soon. Maybe

[beacedocrime]

Welcome to

Artemis reads:

If there were any one to talk to I could bear it, but there is no one. I have only the Count to speak with, and he!—I fear I am myself the only living soul within the place.

Don't worry Jonathan, you can say that the Count is real fucking weird, nobody's gonna judge you

I had hung my shaving glass by the window, and was just beginning to shave. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, and heard the Count's voice saying to me, "Good-morning." I started, for it amazed me that I had not seen him, since the reflection of the glass covered the whole room behind me.

Okay but like, this always makes me wonder. Why do vampire clothes not appear in the reflection? Sure, the vampire doesn't have a reflection, but why is that the same with his clothes? I know that outside of the book it is to make scenes like this possible, but all I can imagine is Dracula just. Being naked. Which is not a mental image I want

The whole room behind me was displayed; but there was no sign of a man in it, except myself. This was startling, and, coming on the top of so many strange things, was beginning to increase that vague feeling of uneasiness which I always have when the Count is near;

STAB HIM! STAB HIM WITH THE RAZOR! STAB THE INCREASINGLY WEIRDER OLD MAN THAT HAS NO REFLECTION

I drew away, and his hand touched the string of beads which held the crucifix. It made an instant change in him, for the fury passed so quickly that I could hardly believe that it was ever there.

Thank you thank you thank you, a million thank yous to the innkeeper lady that gave the crucifix to him

"Take care," he said, "take care how you cut yourself. It is more dangerous than you think in this country."

Yeah, it's just the country, sure. Not the guy with fangs and no reflection.

Then seizing the shaving glass, he went on: "And this is the wretched thing that has done the mischief. It is a foul bauble of man's vanity. Away with it!" and opening the heavy window with one wrench of his terrible hand, he flung out the glass, which was shattered into a thousand pieces on the stones of the courtyard far below. Then he withdrew without a word.

-Enter your guest's bedroom

-Have no reflection

-Startle him as he shaves, causing him to cut himself

-Blame the mirror, calling it a foul bauble of man's vanity

-Defenestrate it

-Don't elaborate

-Leave

It is very annoying, for I do not see how I am to shave, unless in my watch-case or the bottom of the shaving-pot, which is fortunately of metal.

Please, Jonathan I love you but there are more important things than how you're gonna shave

It is strange that as yet I have not seen the Count eat or drink. He must be a very peculiar man!

"He must be a very peculiar ma-" JONATHAN HE HAS NO REFLECTION

But I am not in heart to describe beauty, for when I had seen the view I explored further; doors, doors, doors everywhere, and all locked and bolted. In no place save from the windows in the castle walls is there an available exit.

The castle is a veritable prison, and I am a prisoner!

Okay, finally. I had almost lost all faith in you. You're still on thin ice though.

Of one thing only am I certain; that it is no use making my ideas known to the Count. He knows well that I am imprisoned; and as he has done it himself, and has doubtless his own motives for it, he would only deceive me if I trusted him fully with the facts. So far as I can see, my only plan will be to keep my knowledge and my fears to myself, and my eyes open.

Yes yes yes yes! He now knows something! Don't tell him shit Jonathan!!

I am, I know, either being deceived, like a baby, by my own fears, or else I am in desperate straits;

No no no perish the thought. You will not gaslight yourself into thinking you're paranoid

He did not come at once into the library, so I went cautiously to my own room and found him making the bed. This was odd, but only confirmed what I had all along thought—that there were no servants in the house.

Once, again, this is so funny to me please. (At least he's making Jonathan's bed, I guess?)

This gave me a fright, for if there is no one else in the castle, it must have been the Count himself who was the driver of the coach that brought me here.

Jonathan you're killing me c'mon you're smarter than this. How are you only now realising this

This is a terrible thought; for if so, what does it mean that he could control the wolves, as he did, by only holding up his hand in silence. How was it that all the people at Bistritz and on the coach had some terrible fear for me?

Okay yeah. Fair. But still

What meant the giving of the crucifix, of the garlic, of the wild rose, of the mountain ash? Bless that good, good woman who hung the crucifix round my neck! for it is a comfort and a strength to me whenever I touch it.

Yes bless her and bless all the people on the coach and everyone that trued their hardest to save this man they didn't know please I know none of their names but I love them all so so much

In the meantime I must find out all I can about Count Dracula, as it may help me to understand. To-night he may talk of himself, if I turn the conversation that way. I must be very careful, however, not to awake his suspicion.

Yes good, good know thy enemy. Also maybe don't stay up till dawn this time? Maybe catch some Zs while it's still dark? Please?

In his speaking of things and people, and especially of battles, he spoke as if he had been present at them all.

Wow. Such weird. What could that possibly mean? Nothing strange , I'm sure!

It was by this time close on morning, and we went to bed.

I'm going to strangle him

May 7 / May 9

[bluepeachstudios]

Ok so you've told us about the rise! Version of your fusions, so what would the 2003 version of the fusions be like?

I could've sworn I answered this before but I can't find it so guess I just thought about it in my head? .u.

The 2003 turtles act more mature than 2012 (which prob comes from writing teenagers like they're grown adults half the time but I digress). The fusions also have no doubt that Splinter loves them, because '03 Splinter was actually quite chill with his kids fusing into other beings. He's seen weirder.

He actually trains them to focus their minds and gives them exercises for teamwork and learning how to make their fusions more stable, and make it easier to unfuse when they need to. He also gives the fusions themselves their own training.

Pheo is a storm. He's entirely confident in himself, in leading, in being a good brother, he knows his component parts are both good at what they do. Raph always calls Leo out for his bad leadership choices and Leo always holds back Raph's impulsive sides. Pheo's relatively calm, his anger is quiet and controlled like a fine point.

Deangelo is a LOT calmer. Still has that ADHD/Autism solidarity, still very positive and cheerful. Still very much thinks out of the box, though his ideas are less "silly" and more "terrifyingly efficient". He hides any hint of negative emotions that he has and never processes anything. Refuses to. Jokes about it or just suppresses it. Also he's the best artist of the fusions! He loves to draw! :D

Daphy isn't explosive at all. His anger is cold as ice and happens slowly over time, with lots of planning. 2012 Daphy will explode a building 2003 Daphy will get it legally demolished by a construction crew while making you pay out of your pocket for it and destroy any chance of gaining income for the next 30 years. His FAVORITE thing is motorcycles and he wants to build them in his spare time. Also the most protective over his brothers! Would kill a man for looking at Leo or Mikey wrong.

Mio is literally the most terrifying thing anyone has ever had to fight. He can take Splinter down. Mikey and Leo's skills combined are such a terrifying combination. He's not as flashy and cocky, he's more... Sure of himself, is the best way I can think to put it. He is however still VERY dramatic. Plays dead often to trick enemies into getting close enough to hit him and usually scares the shit out of his brothers when he does do this. But now enemies are even more scared to get near him while he's down. :)

Lonny is cool as a cucumber. Calm, collected, nothin' pisses him off, nothing shakes him. He has anxiety but it's all inward turmoil and never really shows on the outside except in small moments. He snaps sometimes if he gets too anxious. He's also the most protective of his brothers! His planning is immaculate and he's great at adapting honestly. Inside he is a literal mess. If he's left alone he gets increasingly anxious, though he usually defuses before it can get to that point.

Machiel is rough-and-tumble, goofy sarcastic, snuggliest dude. He can and will eat several whole pizzas on his own. Most openly affectionate. He's got some self-worth issues, like he worries if he's doing enough, if he's good enough, but he mostly covers this up with bravado and posturing. Angry crier which only pisses him off more.

[tathrin]

gigolas for the "send me a ship" meme?

...I don't think I've posted anything like that? Certainly not recently enough that I have any idea what you're talking about anon, I'm so sorry. This is the most recent thing that anyone I follow has posted that fits that criteria, so that's what I'm going to respond using because idk where else to go looking for something to use. If you're looking for a response to something else please send me a link or a more specific tag so I can find it?

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Legolas seems the obvious choice for the hunter motif with the archery and forest stuff, but tbh I think I'd rather go the other way on this one because Mirkwood = great place for cryptids and monsters. So we'll have Gimli be the monster hunter, and he can still use his axes (silver-tipped of course) only of course he's always been more thoughtful and poetic than just any old hunter, so it doesn't take him long to realize that there's more going on than it seems when he walks into that little village in Dale. Seems like the werewolf that's been "terrorizing" them only started doing so when they went after him first, and this weird skittish feral creature doesn't seem like he actually enjoys hurting people — although oh boy will he if he gets pushed to it, as Gimli discovers when he accidentally stumbles on the real source of the problems in Dale that the shy werewolf was being scapegoated for. All of a sudden there's a wolf between him and the biggest fucking spider he's ever seen and it's snarling and oh shit. Oh shit, he has feelings now. Gimli's uncles are never going to let him live this down.

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

Yeah I feel like if there's a "weird creature" involved, then the weird creature is going to have to be Legolas, sorry to be repetitive. But. Gimli is just trying to mind his own business and have a simple, ordinary life on the shore, and this fucking fish-man keeps popping-up to pester him and sing and oh my gods does he ever stop singing? And when did Gimli start liking the damn songs? Capsizing during the storm is entirely Legolas's fault, because if Gimli hadn't been so damn distracted by all the fucking songs and flirting he wouldn't have been so behind on his catch that he'd have gone out in that weather, so getting saved by the damn fish is just what Legolas owes him for creating this situation in the first place, really. (Anyway surely there's a better way to keep someone from drowning then giving them air via kisses, right!?) Dammit. His uncles are never going to let him live this down.

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

Okay and this time we're going to reverse things, and Legolas isn't the weird creature...he's the weirder witch. The witch in the woods, people call him, but they say it in a very different tone than the one they use when they talk about the witch in the other woods, the pretty light-dappled one with the golden leaves. People are so judgemental about things like growth so thick no light gets through, and fungus growing up the sides of your cottage, and spiderwebs thick enough to spin cloth from, and rivers that put you to sleep for three days...and, well, the spiders can be a problem, yes, but only because their natural predators have been hunted nearly to extinction. So they're running rampant, and it's not good for the balance of the forest, so they have to be culled now and then or it's going to throw the whole ecosystem completely out of balance. It's not Legolas's fault that the old book he found for Spider's Bane was damaged in a fire sometime during the previous witch's tenure, and that part of the instructions were unreadable. He thought he was just going to summon a few magical stone-bears who would eat some of the spiders. He didn't realize he was binding himself to a familiar...or that said familiar would start looking less and less like a bear and more and more like a person the longer he was there. He certainly didn't realize that the stone-bear was doing it on purpose, because it had taken a fancy to Legolas. It was supposed to be a semi-sentient magical construct, not a...not a person! With feelings, and thoughts, and the ability to tailor its own shape to suit its whims (it wasn't even supposed to have whims!), and the most fantastic beard that Legolas has ever seen...

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

Gimli is quite happy working at the coffee shop, thank you very much everyone who thinks it's funny to make jokes about his English Degree In Coffee ha ha. The owner is nicely chill (all the weed probably contributes) even when Gimli has to get curt with problem customers. He gets to work on his novel in between busy periods, and most of the really annoying would-be-customers go to the corporate shop down the street instead of this hole-in-the-wall that serves real coffee, thank you. Of course, the owner also seems to know veritable tons of the weirdest people, including Gimli's own uncles (how old is he, anyway?) which he didn't discover until after he'd been working there for six months and Fili came in shouting "Yo, Gandalf, how's the rugrat doing?" and embarrassing him half to death, thanks. Honestly it would be a perfect job if it wasn't for that weird-ass perky blonde who drinks way more caffeine than can possibly be healthy even before he covers it in twenty ounces of whipped cream and sprinkles, ugh. He's in there all the time, so much so that Gimli forgot he was there when he started muttering plot-points out loud, which blondie apparently decided to treat as story-time, and now he comes in every day asking for the next section and sure, it's helping Gimli actually get the damn thing written if only to stop blondie from pestering him, but he's pretty sure he's going to strangle him in a month and even Gandalf isn't a chill enough boss to be chill with that, Gimli is pretty sure, and...and then he gets just the worst rejection letter from that poetry zine, and he can't stop crying at the counter, and suddenly blondie is hugging him and offering to "show the editors the error of their ways, no really it's gotta be fixed if they rejected you because your stuff is so good, Gimli! And that's not okay. I'll get some of my pals, we'll ride over and explain things to them and—" and the kiss didn't mean anything, Gimli was just sad and confused and tired, and now blondie's bringing him flowers when he comes in, what the fuck—?

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

I think I'm skipping this one because I'm not a fan of the power-dynamics here, sorry. I'm sure lots of people have written lovely fics with this sort of premise that manage to find a way to balance them (or to lean-in on the power-imbalance taboo) but I'm gonna. skip it. sorry.

I think having them be professors of rival departments would be lovely, though. So substitute that, there we go.

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

Maybe I'm getting lazy at this point, but I'm just going to go with Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, and Gimli son of Glóin, noble knight of Erebor. There have always been monsters in those woods, but they were little things that could be dealt with relatively easily as long as one knew the proper techniques and took the proper precautions. (Gimli had never seen a castle with anti-spider fire-netting before. It was...unsettling, to say the least.) But then bigger, nastier things started being sighted. Then rumors spread of some sort of witch, some sort of Necromancer, lurking in the forest, likely in the ruined tower in the south. The queen took a company of soldiers to investigate, and never came home. Distraught, King Thranduil forbid any of his people from going near it—but the monsters kept coming, kept getting worse. So he put out a call for knights and battle-wizards, and knowing the riches of the Woodland Kingdom, many came.

Not many Dwarven Knights were interested, there being too many years of bad-blood between their people and the elves, but Gimli was young and eager to prove himself. He figured that he would be able to easily dispatch whatever monster had the flighty, feckless elves in a tither, and take his renown and his treasure home in a fortnight or so. The sight of so many warriors returning bloody and reeling, or not returning at all, was disquieting...but Gimli was young, and bold, and once the elvish prince accidentally insulted his honor and his courage there was no way he was going to turn tail and go home now, no sir! Of course, the prince was just frustrated because his father wouldn't allow him to risk his life going after the Necromancer himself, and lashing-out at Gimli because Gimli was unlucky enough to say the wrong thing at the wrong time—but it still happened, and it happened in front of the entire damn court as well as all the experienced warriors who'd come for their chance at the treasure and the glory too, and there's no way the story isn't going to get back to Gimli's uncles and they'll never let him hear the end of the time he got into a shouting-match like a child with a fucking elf-prince. Ugh. At this point, it would almost be a mercy if the Necromancer did kill him—but at least if Gimli's the one who does the job, he'll be able to reclaim at least some of his dignity. So he leaves early, hoping to beat the next round of knights to the tower by himself.

The last thing Gimli expected—or wanted—was for the fucking prince to follow him...!

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Tough, because I'm honestly struggling to see either of them as a parent, but I'm going to go with Gimli as the dad here. Probably for something between kindergarten and third grade; I feel like Legolas would be best suited as a teacher for little kids. He's got the optimism and the energy and the complete willingness to go sit in the mud puddle beside them and listen very seriously to their long and incoherent stories and act like he's understanding every word (and honestly he somehow probably is, he's like the Kid Whisperer). Gimli is still struggling to get little Moli to open-up to him two years after the kid's parents died and left their single nephew juggling sudden parenthood and shared grief. When Moli comes home from school not just smiling but chattering, Gimli thinks it's a miracle. The miracle turns out to have a name, and that's Legolas. Unfortunately, Gimli doesn't realize that until they've already ended up as PTA Enemies For Life over an argument so stupid that frankly Gimli can't even remember what it was. Something about jewelry and the dress code, he thinks? Ugh, Legolas might be great with kids but that's clearly his only skill. Whatever, Gimli can deal with him for one school year. Unfortunately, he has to deal with him all the time because Moli adores the asshole. Well, fine. Gimli can do this, for the kid. He can do this. It would be a lot easier if Legolas wasn't every bit as pretty as he is annoying, dammit...

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

Whoops I probably should have read through all these before I started writing them, huh? Already used the Gimli Is A Writer on the coffee shop one, oh well. Anyway: Gimli Silvertongue is obviously the writer, because his skill with word-smithing is literally canonical. So Legolas is the keen-eyed editor working for Mirkwood Publishing, and he falls in love with the author behind the novels long before ever meeting him in person, and he certainly didn't expect a short, hairy slab of muscle who looks like he does caber-tossing as a daily warm-up when he pictured the guy who wrote all these sweet, soaring, poetry-riddled stories, but. well, everyone says not to judge a book by its cover (although Legolas knows how important good cover design is, thank you, and always sulks a little over that saying because hello are you paying attention?) so maybe he shouldn't have been so caught off-guard when he failed to accurately judge the author by the interior...now he just needs to figure out to get un-tongue-tied enough that he can go talk to the guy whose over-use of semi-colons he's spent literally hours arguing over, shit.

*********

Anyway, I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted, anon. But thank you for sending it in (or...sending something in, at least, oops) because it actually ended up being a lot of fun to answer. Hopefully you enjoyed it too, whether it was what you were actually looking for or not! And if it wasn't, feel free to clarify what you were really after and I'll try again. Sorry!

[garbagequeer]

Idk if you're aware of this but you created a monster with feeding Matt the flower. Ever since he's been eating weirder and weirder stuff at gigs, perhaps most famously a swiftie's coney island friendship bracelet. he's unwell.

omg are you serious i havent seen newer videos from their shows so i had no idea. two questions do you have any links to him eating things and if so PLEASE feel free to send them to me immediately and blow up my inbox. question 2 does he do this at random times or has it become a thing to do when he sings conversation 16. i love that old man so so so so much he's always doing some shit. when i saw them earlier that same week he stole someone's vape and pocketed it for like 3 songs before taking it out smoking a bit and giving it back

[randomwriteronline]

The girl old man Ginter has stuck to his side does not listen to him.

Correction: the boy Ginter has stuck to his side does not listen to him.

Correction: the man Ginter has stuck to his side does not listen to him.

Correction: he does not listen to anyone.

Correction: she does not listen to anyone.

Correction: she does not hear.

It takes some trial and error to properly figure everything out, including the stranger’s name, spelled out in strange finger gestures and a loud thrilling voice: Briosa.

Volo dislikes Briosa.

She is precise, she is efficient. She does her job without even questioning why, where, when, how, who, or what. She gets her supplies and chases down potential costumers, gets them in a corner, screams about ingredients at them until they cave in and buy something; then she grows completely quiet, grabs him, and proceeds onwards like a Rapidash on a mission. She follows him impatiently on his detours searching for plates, smacks his hand off of her when he touches her, shrugs when he manages to convey a question in her direction.

She knows nothing, and she never speaks.

In short, she makes for terrible company.

At the very least the guild cannot fault him for slacking off anymore. If there’s something she never stops doing, that’s working.

And fiddling with her hat.

Her not-Ginko issued hat.

She outright refuses to be parted with it, and Volo won’t be the one incurring into her wrath trying to get it off her head. Another merchant already broke a wrist like that; he won’t be her second victim.

(In truth, he won’t be her fourth victim.

Little warden Sabi was already frightened to death when Briosa promised to eat Lord Braviary whole upon finding out the Noble was a Psychic type; warden Gaeric, on the other hand, would have very likely died in the topless hand-to-hand fight which followed the man refusing to put on a shirt to ‘COVER THEM UP, SLUT’ as she had ordered. His only saving grace had been a bout of some illness that had her gasping for breath until she downed the strongest potion in her backpack.

She had then turned around and called him a slut boy, saying he wasn’t shit and she was going to get him eventually.

She and Volo are now indefinitely banned from the Icelands.)

The shape of her headgear is strangely familiar; Volo realizes where exactly he has seen it before when they meet the foreigner warden of the Coronet Highlands, and he notices they both wear the same exact design. The white haired amnesiac (he too can’t help him on his quest to learn more about the true Almighty Sinnoh, and so Volo resents him ever so slightly) buys some simple rice cakes from her while she stares right in his face, her mouth wide and pressed into a perfectly straight line as always, expression unreadable.

Then the strangest thing happens: she parts her lips and tells him: “You speak very loudly, don’t you!”

And even weirder is - she’s perfectly right.

She explains to Ingo that the trick is lip reading -- that she can tell because he opens his mouth so wide and takes so long to finish his words, and she does that too. She spends a little more time telling him of another example (of how she can tell ‘very’ from ‘verrry’ by the stall and puckering of the mouth) which both taller men listen to with remarkable interest before both merchants decide it’s time to part from the warden.

Briosa stares at Ingo for a while longer as he walks away.

“He’s a bit wrong,” she remarks.

Volo gives her a look and mouths, as clearly as he can: “How so?”

She shrugs: “He looks wrong.” she just repeats.

That’s the first proper conversation they have with each other.

The closest they’ve had to one before was when she instinctively caught a Buneary. It had taken three Pokéball in quick succession (she had gotten them on a quick visit to Jubilife Village), thrown with terrifying precision each time the previous one failed until the little thing finally stayed put; she had grinned, all teeth and inexplicably menacing eyes, and she had chirped, beyond joyful: “Did you know that nothing on this green Earth will ever hate me half as passionately as the little bitch in this ball?”

Volo had shaken his head, vaguely concerned; she had just widened her god-awful smile and laughed: “I love him so much.”

That Buneary is a Lopunny twice her size now. And with it there’s a Drapion, and a Walrein. All huge, all terrifying, all very much loving their obnoxious and violent little bastard of a partner as much as she clearly adores them.

Briosa is good at battling. A natural.

An expert.

Volo wonders where he might have pulled her from.

-

The woman kicked a Stunky.

She kicked. A Stunky.

Across the damned swamps.

Made the damned thing fly.

Because it bit her.

This is what they finally gather once she wakes up once cured from the poison at last because nobody believes the account from the one who saved her and who swears to have seen her do something so dangerous and brave and careless and exhilaratingly unheard of, through a few rounds of rather hard but not impossible charades - because the woman doesn’t speak, for one reason or another. She makes very clear gestures with her hands, gestures that must have meanings, but that none of them can understand.

Either way, she is fearless. Kicking a Stunky, and that hard, to retaliate a bite! Around an Skuntank, no less! And such nonchalance with it too!

That is what Adaman tells her once he learns of her misadventure, genuinely impressed, and she just waves her hand dismissively. She has faced worse, then, apparently...

Insanity: that must be what she has.

But she is also polite, and very beautiful, and very foreign for certain.

Whatever dress she had when she came, it’s unusable now, the materials composing it ruined beyond recognition, and her slippers fell off her feet as she stumbled about in a poisoned stupor - but her coat is mostly safe, voluminous and airy, a vibrant yellow, much softer and much warmer than Bibarel fur. Around her throat dangles a strange necklace, a sort of metal cable with iron shells at its ends, their insides soft. It’s unlike anything any of them have ever seen, and she herself doesn’t know what such a strange piece of jewelry might mean, but it is assumed it’s likely the gift of a lover (if anything to make sure nobody bothers her too much, since - again - she is very beautiful, and some people are awfully bothersome with lovely individuals who do not talk).

Mai teaches her the alphabet, as she does know how to write, but only with symbols that are absolutely incomprehensible. At last, she can introduce herself to the Diamond Clan.

Her name is Elesa.

She does not know where she comes from.

All the children are scared of her a little, because she always fights with Pokémon who bother her when she goes gathering supplies through the Mirelands (and since she always comes back, she always wins); she uses this to her advantage to make sure they don’t cause trouble.

Not that they don’t have reason to fear her. They can see it throught the uniform - she could crack a wooden branch with a flex of her back.

That’s why she’s the unofficial guard of the settlement.

Arezu likes her a lot, since the woman seems to enjoy dressing up and modifying clothes, and letting the warden change her hairstyle as she pleases.

She picks up embroidery, she picks up sewing; makes herself shirts and jackets and dresses for the fun of it, tries to piece together jewelry of some kind. She has no use for any of this, knee deep in the mud as she usually is, so she gives it all away to the other women and men of the settlement - she even gives some to ancient warden Calaba, uncaring of the fact that the venerably old woman also spends her days in dirty waters, or that she is of the Pearl clan; she spends quite some time with her, in truth, comfortable silence rippling through them as they sternly smack Hippodowns trying to nibble at the Sootfoot Roots they have worked hard to pick from the earth.

She knows how to use a Pokéball, too. The first Pokémon she tames is a Sligoo, then a Petilil, then an Ursaring: by the time they’re all fully evolved, they’re almost as tall as her - which is certainly a feat, because she’s really tall. That’s also when she stops kicking and brawling with the pests picking a fight with her, knocking them out instead with her partners.

She’s a natural! She insists Adaman should train his Leafeon with her, even though she’s way out of his league in terms of strength. A few still try to take on her challenge, especially kids: when she lets them win she gives them little tokens that she carves out of stones, to congratulate them.

(It’s a habit of hers, it seems. One from before.

Before when? It’s very unclear.

She makes a lot of them, as if she is expecting many challengers to come through to fight her. She must have lived in a very animated, very dangerous place; that’s why she’s so fearless.)

They don’t make Pokéball in the Diamond settlement; she gets her own from a pair of wandering merchants of the Ginko guild, an awfully curious man and a shouting little thing who terrorizes half the settlement.

She hears the menace loud and clear, and when she’s in front of her she doesn’t think and signs on instinct, asking what the wares may be.

And the little thing shuts up in an instant -- and signs back.

They have a good conversation, in perfect silence, about prices and what to buy; they snicker when the merchant’s peer asks what they are talking about and sign quicker, keeping him out of their discussion about how weird he is.

My name is Elesa, she finally introduces herself.

The other replies with a slew of letters shaped by only three fingers - at least, those seem to be letters, but she can’t understand them, and she mouths what?

“Oh!” the merchant shouts then, with eyes huge: “You speak!”

They stare into each other for a moment.

This has happened before, Elesa signs slowly.

Briosa (as she learns the little thing is named after the shock of deja-vù expires) nods, mouth a perfectly straight line: I think so.

That’s the last time she has a proper conversation with someone.

The little shouting merchant hasn’t come back in a long while. She carves another little badge out of reddish and blueish stone, planning to ask her for a match if she ever shows up again.

Elesa can’t shake an incomplete feeling of familiarity.

-

His name is Emmet. That much he does remember.

He also remembers that he has a brother.

An older brother. A dear older brother.

Not what he looks like, or what his name is - but that’s a start.

Peselle thinks that one of these days she will have to chain him to the bed before he ends up breaking his leg (already martoriated with bites and punctures and bloodloss) by insisting on dragging himself to Prelude Beach every time he can, whether near literally crawling or misusing the crutch she uncautiosly provided him with, asking the security corps if they’ve found his brother yet.

That’s all he cares about: if they’ve found his brother yet.

He tells them to look a little further on the cliffs, or on any other shore.

At last, one day, after hefting him up in her arms and gently carrying him right back on the bed, Zisu sits next to him and tells him she needs to know a couple of very important things from him.

She asks him, firstly, if he remembers if his brother wore clothes similar to his.

His head lolls a little: yes, he concludes, he must have. They always dressed similarly. Verrry similarly - and he rolls his Rs.

She asks him then if he remembers if his brother was with him, before they found him on Prelude Beach.

He admits he doesn’t know. But it’s very likely that he was - he and his brother are always together, inseparable. They are a... And his gaze unfocuses for a moment. They are a... He struggles a moment, wordlessly, before he at last shakes his head -- he doesn’t remember the right figure of speech, but the point remains: they are two things that go together, always. They are always together.

He doesn’t understand why Zisu seems heartbroken at that.

But she explains.

She explains that they have searched for the shipwreck from which he most definitely came (because nobody simply appears in the middle of the ocean from nowhere and starts drowning), but haven’t found any trace of it, which means that it has sunk completely - if not immediately then slowly, in the passing days. She explains that no other person was found, and that when he was rescued they had to let his heavy coat be lost to the depths or it would have dragged him along with it.

She explains that he is the only survivor of that tragedy, and that his brother likely did not have anybody to lessen the weight soaked on his back, nor the stamina to swim to shore or fight against the Pokémon circling around him.

She explains that his brother died at sea.

Emmet stares at her.

And he cries.

Like a child, with big tears and no sound at all; she just rubs circles on his back as that strained smile he hasn’t been able to wipe off his own face disappears and he remains still and quiet on the bed where Peselle finally can finish mending his wounds until he is fully able to stand again, if with a little help from a crutch or a cane sometimes, when he puts too much strain on his leg, and by that time he has somewhat worked through his all-consuming grief.

He has legs now, but nowhere to go; he is welcome to stay in the village, but he must make himself useful like everybody else.

So he chooses to train with Zisu, to join the security corps.

His zeal to ensure safety can’t exactly make up for the weakness of his body, but he insists, and he insists, and he insists. The others are worried -- wouldn’t you prefer something simpler, like helping the professor, or Tao Hua? You are still frail - maybe you can ask Beni to work at the Wallflower, or Dagero at the photography studio? No; he insists, and he insists, and he insists.

After the fifteenth time she knocks him over on the tatami, Zisu has to ask him, leaning over his face to assess if she’s hurt him badly in some way: “Don’t you get tired of this?”

He shrugs, struggles to pull himself up, accepts her helping hand: “What I do. What I say.” he replies: “Always the same.”

What he lacks in physical strength he makes up for (much to Kamado’s suspicion and chagrin) with his prowess at handling Pokémon. His first outing in the Fieldlands ends with three of them being in his care, a fourth one acquired already on his second patrol. Then all of a sudden he returns to Jubilife, and along with a Staraptor, a Bibarel and Luxray he introduces his fellow security corps to his very own Wyrdeer.

The clans are so shocked that neither have the strength to consider blasphemy.

The commander orders Zisu to keep a leash on that boy, watch him closely - have him stop wandering about, especially when he joins the professor’s expeditions. Emmet is perfectly fine with his limitations.

Safety first, always.

Phrases like that are all he has left of his previous life, together with some sort of commemorative coin, blue and white and with a strange pattern, which he held onto even as he was drowning. Dear old Lucille has kindly made it into a charm for him, once she noticed how devotedly he would hold it -- a charm against homesickness, which wrecks him so.

Emmet holds it around his neck, under his jacket, close to his heart.

It works only a little bit.

[tg-headcanons]

Hey! Music anon back here with a weirder ask, have you ever thought of kin assigning the tg cast as other characters (character's they'd kin/are literally them if you get my gist)? Thanks!

HELL YEAH KIN ASSIGNING TOKYO GHOUL CHARACTERS

(Disclaimer: my taste in everything is absolutely terrible)

This is super long so I’m putting it under the cut but BEHOLD

Kaneki: Jonathan Sims from The Magnus Archives. He’s a poor little meow meow who just wants to read fucked up books and accidentally got turned into a monster that survives on harming others. He hates violence and causing pain but all of the most powerful beings in the world are fucking with him like a Barbie doll being bashed against a wall. He is so tired and just wants to kiss his boyfriend and go to sleep but he can’t because he’s an evil cabal’s specialist little clown. He Accidentally causes the apocalypse and he feels bad about it. He is crying.

Hideyoshi: Guillermo De La Cruz from What We Do In The Shadows. The human friend of a man eating monster, he’s a sweet guy who does his best to be a good person but has also committed countless crimes. His monster boyfriend is an idiot so he became very good at lying and manipulating and committing felonies to keep him safe. He offers himself up to be bitten because he is gay and stupid yet somehow the smartest one here

Touka: Rachel Berenson from Animorphs. She’s a pretty girl who can, will, and WANTS to fuck people up. Logically she knows she fights for peace but she has been hurt and has had her childhood stolen from her so she will rip and tear and maim as much as she wants and we love her for it. She deserves to go apeshit

Nishiki: Jeff Winger from Community. He’s a smartass pretty boy who acts better than everyone but he probably doesn’t know how to unclog a drain. He acts superior to everyone to avoid getting close to anyone but instead he gets bullied so hard he accidentally makes friends

Koma: Pam Poovey from Archer. He’s a bad bitch who’s here for a good time, not a long time. He will do whatever it takes to have fun and causes problems on purpose. He randomly drops wild shit he’s done like it’s a normal thing to talk about and he will fuck his way in and out of any situation

Irimi: Washimi from Aggretsuko. She’s pretty, smart, and will watch from the sidelines as shit goes down until she’s bored and then annihilate the issue. She’s great at strategizing and biding her time for the perfect moment to strike and will gossip about anything and everything to her ape best friend

Yoshimura: Steven Beck from Z Nation. He has committed horrible acts and led a wild life and yet somehow survived way longer than anyone could have possibly thought. He had a child he had to give up and now he attempts to nurture others to cope with the guilt over failing to nurture his own child and causing so much pain. He doesn’t really fight anymore unless he has to and is absolutely not qualified to give advice but damn he sure tries

Hinami: Gus from Sweet Tooth. She’s just a little guy but the government wants her dead because she isn’t human. She just wants to look at flowers and read books and vibe but she’s on the run from the law and survives because she is literally too adorable for her caretakers to stop protecting her

Shuu Tsukiyama: Draluc from The Vampire Dies In No Time. He’s rich, he’s pathetic, he will die if a gust of wind hits him too hard. His family loves him and supports his weird shit because they are just as weird and he’s head over heels for a man who wants to kill him so bad. He is a twink by birth and a bastard by choice

Kanae von rosewald: Horse from Centaurworld. He has never stopped working and preparing to fight a day in his life and if he ever relaxes it is against his will. He wants to commit war crimes so bad but his family makes him sit down and feed birds instead. He has seen boundless horrors and has never recovered, experiences dysphoria, and he is drizzled in glitter by force more often then he wants to admit

Ayato: Wolf from Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts. He’s been on his own after fleeing a family he believes betrayed him and has survived by killing and stealing. He fully expects everyone to try to kill or eat him, has too much trauma to be contained in his tiny body and refuses to admit that he wants his sister more than anything. He is a feral little shit who knows more about combat than most soldiers and a kill count in the hundreds but he can’t read

Uta: Michael Shelley from The Magnus Archives. This massive bitch enjoys drama so much. All he does is make masks, hit on the brunette boys that come into his shop, spread gossip, eat hot chip and lie. He loves manipulation and he loves violence. He shows himself as a calm and helpful friend but is full of malice and can’t wait for a chance to unleash it. Fuckhands McMike here has no gender, pretty hair, and a strong desire to be an issue

Itori: Nadja of Antipaxos from What We Do In The Shadows. Shes hot and bisexual and lives to fuck and cause problems. If there’s an issue she gets her husbands or people too scared to say no to her to take care of it and watches while yelling at them as shit goes down. She loves drama and she wants to shove nuns down a flight of stairs

Renji: Trevor Belmont from Castlevania. He’s burly, tired, and hasn’t showered in two months. He has a husband and a wife and practically lives in a bar and his only protection from the world is a musty ass coat and his own bisexuality

Naki: Misa Amane from Death Note. He’s a blonde bimbo who deserves better, suffering through life with a painful desire to be wanted and throwing himself at the feet of a man who mistreats him. He allows this man to use and abuse him and will kill to be allowed to sit on his lap. No thoughts only Boys and Violence. He is kept alive by pure luck and the intervention of others who are doing their best to keep him from getting killed either through bad luck or by his terrible taste in men

Seidou: Alvin Murphy from Z Nation. He wants to be appreciated and looked up to and absolutely hates the woman who is in charge instead of him. he was experimented on against his will until he was no longer human and At first he was sad and pissed about it, but then he was sad and pissed and fucking batshit about it. Once he’s suffered enough he said “fuck it” and decides to be a king of death but remains exactly as scared and weird and pathetic as he was when he was a lab rat

Akira: Eva Stratt from Project Hail Mary. She takes Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss to a whole new level and will hand her superiors a note that says “I can do what I want” and get away with it. She will make painful decisions and do horrible things to make the world into what she defines as better, even if she has to send her friends to die. She is definitely autistic and deserves to get away with as many crimes as she wants

Amon: Aziraphale from Good Omens. He is doing his best to rid the world of evil but after interacting with one of the evil beings he’s supposed to hate he questioned his entire ideology. He is so tired and so depressed because he has Chronic Catholic Disease and is deeply ashamed of how horny he is for his coworkers

Urie: Catra from Shera and the Princesses of Power. His family is dead and he was groomed by an organization bent on genocide and he goes full speed ahead into it. He fills the void in his soul where love should be with promotions and would sabotage his own coworkers to get it. The only thing that can save him from himself is a slap in the face and homosexual activities

Saiko: Stat from Q-force. None gender with left lesbian, she wants to play games and look at anime tiddies. She was put into a government squad by force and while she grew to genuinely care about her team she would still rather cause flame wars on reddit then go to work

Shirazu: Genya Shinazugawa from Demon slayer. He’s a sharp toothed tall bastard who gained traits from the creatures he works to eradicate to get stronger. He didn’t really believe in the creed of his job, and he questions if what he is doing is right from time to time, but he doesn’t fight for himself or an ideology. He joined because he wants to keep his sibling safe and close to him, but to do so he must endure awful things. He should have gotten a better ending he’s just a dude

Mutsuki: The Elk from Centaurworld. He changes himself so drastically in the hopes of becoming someone he and other people can love, and not always for the best. He works hard and is afraid of being understood, but he craves it to such an extent that he will do anything to appeal to the people around him, even harming himself and turning himself into something awful that ends up causing more pain than it alleviates, and he needs his wretched goop brain scooped up and mashed together to make him fucking chill. He looks cold and wet at all times and he needs to communicate better

[geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde]

Waffle House AU

It’s never mentioned but for clarification, Jaskier has a beard in this. Anyway, @officerjennie, @all-hail-the-witcher, and myself shouldn’t be left alone together because then things like this happen. I love you both.

Geraskier, rated t, modern au and Geralt's still a witcher

-

The first time the man showed up, it was nearing three in the morning. The Waffle House Jaskier worked overnights in was as packed as ever, that’s to say there were two regulars sitting at the bar and a hoard of bugs flying around the place.

The man in question was dressed head to toe in some sort of armor that looked like it belonged in a steampunk cosplay and covered in an odd black substance that looked sticky. Even from across the restaurant, Jaskier could already smell the foul odor rolling off the man in waves. It was so strong Jaskier was surprised that he couldn’t see it.

Walking to the other end of the bar, closest to the corner table the man had seated himself it, Jaskier shouted at him, unwilling to get any closer than necessary, “What do you want to drink?”

“Coffee,” the man’s voice was deep, more a growl than anything else.

Wrinkling his nose in displeasure, Jaskier grabbed the coffee pot and a mug and made his way over to the table, singing loudly to himself as he did so. Jaskier’s voice bounced off the shitty interior of the Waffle House, making it echo in a most unpleasant way. Jaskier switched to humming an upbeat tune as he approached the man at the table and began pouring the coffee.

“So, what do you think of my singing?” It was a question Jaskier asked all of his late-night customers. Their answers would determine whether he would keep them as regulars or do his best to run them off.  And his best never failed.

“Hmm.”

Jaskier frowned at the non-answer, “Come now, three words or less.”

“Filling-less pie.”

Spluttering, Jaskier pointed at the man angrily, “You know nothing about music. What do you want to order?”

“Hashbrowns. Smothered and covered.”

Spinning on his heal, Jaskier stalked away from the man without responding, instead muttering angrily under his breath, “I’ll show you filling-less, you bastard.”

-

Dropping the plate in front of the man, Jaskier watched as the rubbery meal bounced uncomfortably off the plate before landing back on it, somehow looking even worse than it already had.

“What is this?” The man’s voice held no inflection and Jaskier had no way of knowing the man’s feelings as he looked at the pathetic plate in front of him.

“Your food.”

“I ordered hashbrowns.”

Jaskier had to hold in his gasp as the man’s eyes, the most unusual golden shade, met his.

“Well, this is what I’ve brought you.”

The man looked back at the plate, flipping open the joke of an omelet, revealing that it was just eggs cooked in a pan and folded over, “There’s nothing inside. What kind of omelet doesn’t have anything in it?”

“Oh? Do you not like filling-less omelets? What a shame.”

Jaskier stalked back to the bar and took a seat by the regsiter, pulling his book back out and pretending to read it while he watched the man from the corner of his eye. He didn’t even look back to Jaskier’s direction, instead staring grumpily at the eggs in front of him before beginning to eat them.

The man ate quickly and before long he was walking over to the register where Jaskier sat, throwing a wad of bills down on the counter, “Keep the change.”

“I will.”

“You’re a shitty waiter.”

“You smell bad.”

And that, Jaskier assumed, would be that and he would never have to see the weird, smelly, strangely attractive man ever again.

-

The next night when the man arrived again, this time covered in a weird flaky green substance, Jaskier couldn’t help but eye him suspiciously. People didn’t typically return after Jaskier provided intentionally bad service, at least not if they were sober and of a sound mind. Jaskier couldn’t confidently say this man’s mind was sound, although he did seem sober.

Jaskier grabbed the coffee pot and a mug and stalked over to the corner table. He filled the cup halfway.

“More hashbrowns?”

The man wrinkled his brow, a frown on his face “Yes.”

Wandering back to the kitchen, in no rush, Jaskier stuck his head back in to look at the cook, “More eggs like last night. And can you add something weird to them this time?”

The line cook saluted him before reaching up to grab something off the shelf above his head. Jaskier winced, he wasn’t sure what exactly was in the mixtures of spices that were kept up there, but he had never had a good experience with them, that was for certain. This would for sure run off the weird tone-deaf man for good. The cook was done in no time and Jaskier walked the plate over to the man in the corner, throwing it down on the table like he had the night before.

He did no more than blink in surprise when the table collapsed. Jaskier wasn’t sure exactly why the table collapsed, the plate and shitty eggs didn’t weigh very much, and he hadn’t thrown the plate down particularly hard. But, it wasn’t the weirdest thing he has ever seen in the Waffle House, so he simply caught the man’s eye and shrugged, turning and walking back to his seat.

He watched amusedly as the man juggled his plate off the table before propping it up awkwardly and moving seats. That hadn’t been part of Jaskier’s plan, but it would certainly work in his favor.

-

Jaskier was shocked when the man walked in for a third night in a row. The normally difficult to fluster waiter was very aware that his face was the very picture of surprise. Luckily, the man didn’t even look at him as he walked over to the table in the corner. He shook it a bit before sitting down, presumably making sure it wouldn’t collapse today. To be honest, Jaskier wasn’t overly confident it was any sturdier now, but it did appear that someone on day shift had at least made it look as though it was fixed.

Grabbing the coffee pot and a mug, Jaskier couldn’t help but hope this wouldn’t truly become a ritual. He didn’t want a man in his Waffle House if said man couldn’t tell that Jaskier’s singing was nothing short of marvelous.

“Hashbrowns again?”

The man nodded, staring out of the window rather than looking at Jaskier. He wasn’t in the weird steampunk armor anymore, this time wearing a soft black tee shirt and worn in jeans. It also seemed he had managed to find a bath and was able to get all of the weird grimy things off of him.

He really was quite attractive all cleaned up, Jaskier couldn’t help but notice.

“What’s your name?”

The man turned to look at him, “Geralt.”

Walking over to the kitchen, Jaskier put in the order and sat back down by the register to wait. It wasn’t long before One-Eyed Larry grunted at him from his usual seat at the bar, “Napkin holders on fire, kid.”

Looking over at the table in front of Geralt’s, Jaskier saw that the napkin holder was, indeed, on fire. Sighing and getting a glass of water, Jaskier walked over to the table and poured the glass on it, drenching it thoroughly. Waving away the smoke, Jaskier turned the napkin holder around, making sure the fire was completely out, before putting it back in its place and taking his seat again.

Geralt’s golden eyes followed him curiously the whole time.

If the man was going to be spending his nights here, then he would need to get used to these kinds of things. It was three in the morning in a Waffle House, weirder would happen.

A few minutes more passed before there was a bell ding from the kitchen, signaling that Geralt’s food was ready. Jaskier tossed the plate on the table as was tradition, smirking when he saw the surprise flit across the man’s face. No doubt he hadn’t been expecting to receive hashbrowns, smother and covered as he had first asked for two nights prior.

What could Jaskier say, he was rather weak for a pretty face. Even if was a rude one.

“If you agree that my singing is spectacular, I’ll let you take me out for coffee sometime.”

“Good coffee or this shit?” Geralt gestured to the mug in front of him.

Jaskier scoffed, “You think I would ever eat or drink anything from here?”

“That’s comforting.”

“It wasn’t meant to be.” Jaskier sat a notepad and pen on the table, “Leave your number and I’ll call you tomorrow to cash in.”

Later when Jaskier cleared the table, he couldn’t help but smile at the neat handwriting on the notepad.

Looking forward to hearing from you. You should get your napkin holder checked out.

-

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[nobledragonflying]

There is something deeply funny to me that if the cast of the dsmp gets transported to our world, but like with no Minecraft/dsmp. And get this, a cop has to solve a serial murder case and has to interview them. Like just imagine 

You are a cop, you have to solve this case, you have to interview these people. First up, Tommy Innit. He is loud and he is annoying. You have heard more swears in 5 minutes than a whole month. He saying a lot, but not telling you shit. You move on.

Next there is a Tubbo Underscore-Beloved. He is 17, but with an adopted child and a husband. They married for tax benefits. You are sure none of this is legal. The child says he is a lawyer called Big Law and if you hurt his husband, BFF or child, he will blow this place up. You walk out feeling threatened.

Next you go to Ranboo Beloved-Underscore. He is Tubbos husband and has the most severe case of vitiligo you have ever seen. He is very tall and says that his memory is spotty and he has the backbone of a chocolate eclair. You do not doubt this. When you bring up the previous two, he has thinly vailed threats that he would kill everyone in the station if they hurt his family. You walk out with nothing but terror.

You go to Wilbur Soot next. The man is clearly insane and you have a feeling that he is hanging on by a thread. You walk in expecting threats. You ask about the murder on the beach. The man talks about eating sand, it has been 15 minutes. You leave with deep of emotions, you are not sure what they are, but you are experiencing them.

You have Technoblade next. You are not sure which is weirder, his name, or the cosplay. You walk in to see an absolute mountain of a man. You are unsettled. You ask your questions, but the man is not taking you seriously. He keeps asking ‘chat’ questions unrelated to the case. You do not know if he is messing with you or if he genuinely believes in them. You leave deeply frustrated and that you some how gave up information.

Finally you get to Philza Minecraft. You find his wings very realistic, but he wouldn’t part with them. You ask your questions. He is very kind, welcoming, cooperative and answers your questions nicely. He mentions how he wished he had you as at his trial. You ask him and he says it’s unimportant to the case. You press for answers, he gives you nothing. You walk away with the feeling that he is far older than he lets on.

Lastly you have the toddler Michael Underscore-Beloved. You try to talk to him, but you find that he cannot speak english. He likes shiny things and even better if they are yellow. You try to get him to cooperate, but he only asks for Boo, Bo or MiMi. You cannot bring him to them. The child only gets more agitated as time goes on. He runs down the hall faster than you think a toddler should run. He stops in front of Ranboos room. You try to pull him away, he screams and bites.

There is an vworp sound and Ranboo is behind you with Purple eyes, he snatches the child from your grasp and holds him to his chest. They cannot be separated.

It has been a very long day.

[royalty-subway]

Twins with an s/o who has an obsession with squishmallows?

Oof. I’ve just been informed what “squishmallows” are, and I want one.

Sordward

I mean… he can think of other ways to be obsessed about something. Whether it be knives or spiders. But over a damn plushie thing-

I’m sorry, but it’s sort of amusing to him. Not in a bad way, of course, since he has seen weirder stuff that people are obsessed over. Like eating walls-

He’s not really obsessed over anything, or collecting stuff, since he kinda has a life. As he then proceeds to bully people terribly-

… At least now he knows what to give you for Christmas, Valentine’s day, your birthday and other holidays he can’t even think of.

… Funny enough, if you cuddle or hug a squishmallow. It’ll actually make him a bit jealous. But he wouldn’t tell a plush toy off.

Shielbert

Well, he probably doesn’t show much of a reaction. Since all he sees is just someone that likes plushies, a lot. And it's cute as shit-

But he’ll probably show a bigger reaction if you have billions upon billions of these things. Like, Goddamn-

It’ll be more bizarre if you have a collection of these things, from different sizes, colors, shapes, whatever.

I mean, there’s people who are obsessed with stuff, could be over candles or just Pokemon cards, despite them not even knowing how the game works.

… To keep it between you and him, he sort of collects different Pokeballs, for the design reasons. But he’s not overly obsessed about it, he just likes the designs. Despite him only ever using a Luxury Ball.

Emmet

Bruh. If there was a Joltik version of a squishmallow, he’d have like… 7 of them. Maybe they do exist in the Pokemon universe.

So yeah, it’s cool if you’re obsessed with squishmallows. He likes them too. And he has his own obsession. I bet you don’t know what it is. I said it a billion times already.

He would try to touch or hug the squishmallows, but you’ll probably hiss at him and slap his hand away. Which it’s alright, no hard feelings.

So he’ll probably buy at least one of his own if that’s the case. And you’ll probably end up stealing it-

… It’s not that he collects anything, unless you count the Joltiks he has. He really doesn’t collect anything.

Ingo

Hm… Not much of a comment here. I mean, he can admit that these squishmallows are adorable. Who wouldn’t want one?

But if it goes to a point where you use squishmallows as a blanket, like what Emmet does with his Joltiks sometimes. Then eh… man.

I mean, he has a few Litwicks just walking around. Not a lot compared to Emmet’s shenanigans. But he’s not exactly obsessed with Litwicks, he just likes that Pokemon.

… Although, he’s kinda obsessed with candle stuff in general. He doesn’t tell people that, but you can already sense it from a 10-mile radius or by looking at him.

His “candle obsession” is mainly based on the colors, shapes, sizes, scent and yeah. It’s kinda similar to your squishmallow obsession, just without the scent part.