#this is what happens when i dont sleep and then dont want to do actual work
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Watched arcane season 2 act 1, thought abt it, so here are some of my thoughts in no particular order. Obvious spoilers.
Also, i watched in dub. Important to know when i am quoting charaters + when i am talking about their tone.
Starting of with something that is directly affected by dub — ukrainian Jayce is my Jayce. Ppl said he sounded condesending while talking to Ekko — not. at. alllll. true for my Jayce. My Jayce sounded tired, emotionaly burn out. "You drink tea, Ekko?" said with no though to it, in a context of continues talking of "Haha do i live here? Hahah....... Do you guys want tea? Want some tea? I'll make tea. Do you drink tea, Ekko?". But d-dub is supposed to stay true to the original— I DONT CAREEE. I love my blorbo almost-himbo Jayce, never changing his characterisation in my mind.
And i will hold Jayce's hand when i say this — you were. Just so gay for like... Essentialy going "Are you okay? Good, good" to lady Mel Medarda HERSELF and then seeing Victor and losing your mind. Sprinting with him in your hands to your lab. LIVING in your lab to monitor him. I just... I get it, you don't have many friends. But like...... Really dude. Reaally.
Give Mel and Ekko thirty minutes. I promise you they would work it out. Eternal piece would be achieved.
I know there are a lot of different opinions regarding Caitlyn. I will not be explaining in-depts what i think about her acr, because a) who cares and b) i like to see her go cray-cray. But like — why isnt anybody exept for Vi attempting to stop her??? Like why is Jayce mourning Victor's twink death instead of, yk, stopping his childhood-best-friend-kinda-younger-sister from killing ppl of Zaun, the last thing Victor wants btw? She and Vi are twenty-ish — WHYYYY are they going through it by themselves??? Why doesnt baby yoda guy with German name that i dont dare to write trying to stop the daughtrer of his ex-collegue? He is 600 or something, im sure he could've come up with advice.
Cait pointing her gun at a child is terrifying, it opens up the possibilities of her going even more blinded with anger, doing even more horrific things, and Vi is right to try and stop her. However... I know damn right i would've believe her when she said she will not miss 😭 Every single time she fired her gun she was very precise. Even in that scene she aimed at the gun the girl was holding like two seconds ago and got a perfect. fucking. score. Like i dont remember her missing at all, actually.
"Ohhhhh you're gonnnaaa haaaaaattteeee Maddie after act two—" says who? On that note, i hope both Cait AND Vi will sleep with a few random people. Good for them. Let them try to forget about each other only to realise just how down bad they are for one another. Let the scenes of Cait and Maddie hooking up intertwine with Vi's one night stand.
"Maddie is just gonna be a victim of comander Cait :(((" and i do not have any thing to say to that — we dont yet KNOW what will happen — but I dont think Cait will try to manipulate her into this. I think Maddie will flirt a bit, Cait will try and seek salvage and vulnerability in someone, especially since she is now constantly in public's eye and needs to project hope™ and stoicism™. It will be a genuine attempt to move on — not anybody's fault she can't.
But oh god, oh goooddd i cant wait for Maddie to loose the spark in her eyes due to lesbian situationship.
#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane spoilers#jayce talis#caitlyn kiramman#caitvi#Ekko#mel medarda#ambessa medarda#vi arcane#maddie nolen
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....
#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow...#every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭#like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀#the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date#but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo#i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them#to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad#i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends#but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd#which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar...#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf#this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found#their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them#i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media#like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends#also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh..#not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute#ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole#im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee#.diaries
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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they don't know i'm planning major changes to my da worldstate,,
#wish i could be normal abt this silly game series. wish i could just go with whatever im vibing with#but nooooo i have to lose sleep thinking abt the Most Perfect Worldstate hhhhhhhhhh#think i might have to go with a dual worldstate solution. it's so much work tho...#anyway i loveeeee andrale but what if my warden was a brosca actually. what if andrale was a mage lavellan and my inky.#what if i was finally brave and conscripted loghain. alistair would become king... or exiled..... ough#i could see andrale making all the choices i'm abt to make in dai#but also i don't want to put her through the torture that is dai's story ahah#she loses a lot in dao but also gains a lot. love and friendship and a new purpose etc. meanwhile dai is just loss loss loss <3#or maybe im just being overly pessimistic abt dai again idk <3#also where would celyn fit in all this. would she still be a dao companion oc... or something else..... a dai companion?????#anyway i need to get back to my puter i need to plan this more. i need to make a brosca and see what happens#oc: andrale#oc: celyn#el.txt#i've spent the past couple weeks at my parents' n that's why i haven't rly engaged with anything here#the area my childhood hometown is in is so beautiful btw. every summer when i visit it hits me again#its the lakes!! they dont fuckin have lakes in the south!!!!#but there is so much lake here i am surrounded by beautiful lakes in every direction. sigh#anyway im going back home this sunday. will have more time to be here again :)#alsooo how do we feel abt the name ronya. i want my brosca's name to start with the same letter as rica's hehe#and ronya was the first name that came to my mind#idk... ronya brosca...... does it work
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praying and hoping and begging for things to get better or at least more tolerable soon because i dont know how many more physical symptoms of stress my body can take
#me when i get eczema when the only time i had eczema in the past was when i was about to kill myself lmao#things are Preddy Bad actually fjfkfkfl#theres so many things i have happening and i look them up and its like ''reduce stress :)'' THANKS I WISH I COULD#UNFORTUNATELY. I LIVE IN THIS WORLD. AND THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL.#i actually cant think abt this all anymore tonight or I'll end up crying and i rly dont want to deal w crying rn fhfkdl#but man. things were supposed to go in such a better way. im literally a failure rn#all my siblings are doing way better in life and have a shot at things#and im stuck in my parents basement alone and a loser burn-out#this is so fucked#i realized the reality of my situation at 3am lying awake unable to sleep last night#like. i am.... alone and stuck living in my parents basement. no career prospects because im useless and too exhausted all the time#thats so fucking lame and awful and Peak Failure in society's eyes#man!!!#so unbelievably bleak!!!#anyways i hope this eczema goes away bc wow i rly have not had this except once or twice when i was engaging in suicidal behaviour#i dont want to be doing that again 😭😭#WHATEVER. it is what it is. live fast die young or whatever#maybe tomorrow something good will happen#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide tw
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Events of last night:
Me: *crying*
My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(
Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful
My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.
#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious#thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt#and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd#it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense#but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like#where as me and her obsess much more over morality#like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information#we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people#or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate#like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers#theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out#but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either#like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are#and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare#sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done#sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real#i guess what it kinda comes to do is#would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions#all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm#you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of#OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world#your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen#theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed#your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for#instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed
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i think the simultaneously funniest and most frustrating thing abt my brain when things like this happen is that my brain freezes up a bit and can only think of like "aw gee whiz now xyz mundane thing i had scheduled into today won't happen" like girl WHAT there is shit going down and thats what ur thinking about ???
#in emergency situations where i am able to Do Shit i actually am very good at keeping calm though#and doing what needs to be done#in general in stressful situations where im helping other ppl then im such a good person to have around dhdkdl#this came in handy at two of my past workplaces bc i would be able to just do what needed to be done quickly and efficiently#when things got Bad in those places#but shdksl when it comes to situations where I can't do anything or where i dont Know what needs to be done ... augh#then i just shut down a little bit or go numb at least and my brain automatically starts thinking abt mundane and routine things#girl there is a medical emergency happening !!! (''but we've been through this before. several times over the past few months'' says brain)#example a: i feel a little disappointed that i won't get to do crochet with mother like we had planned#example b: i want to go back to sleep even with this all going on#(i feel awful that this is what brain is thinking about rn dhdkdl but. better than incessantly worrying ig? though im doing that too...)#ah well djdlsl I'll go shower so if anything Really Bad happens then at least im clean and dressed and ready to get over to the hospital#dandy.cmd#vent //#medical tw
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going through it.
#i literally thought to myself i need to be 6 again which is how you know things are Not Good!!!!!!!!!!#i don’t know what i Want and it’s driving me CRAZY and every option feels so scary but i don’t think in actuality it is#i’m so fucking tired but i can’t sleep bc i was stupid and slept at 6pm and fucked it up#i have two classes tomorrow and i havent done the work for either of fjem#* them which is embarrassing and i need to make a decision that is quite significant and i thought i knew what i was going to do about it#but now i’m not sure and every minute is getting closer to when i do have to decide#and i’ve got a roommate again so i cant even just. like. idk.#and physically i feel like shit and i have to see my dad tomorrow night and i just wish i wasnt attached to anyone ever#but clearly i dont bc i keep doing things that make me attached to things/people so i need to get over myself#and i’m really worried abt something happening at home like idk it’s set off alarm bells in my head#all of this will be absolutely fine i just wish there wasnt an all of this in the first place#and i wish i could fault something other than my bad decisions but at the end of the day these are consequences of my actions so like.#that’s that and now i have to deal with it
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today’s been a bad day and one of my friends is practically begging me to let him vent to me and my other friend is picking a fight right now and i can’t remember the last time i saw another person aside from my girlfriend. she makes it better but makes everything worse. i have a meeting tomorrow i swore i’d sleep early for but now i just. i don’t know what i want.
#it's weird because like... i'm the lucky one? the good one? the fine one? what's even the word for this#i'm not causing drama i'm handling things fine i'm making plans.#but i feel like i'm fucking breaking#and it's just PMS but i've felt uneasy for the entire last two months i just#i feel like i was in a stupor where i had to keep seeing my girlfriend or else everything would fall apart#but it's been a while since i last saw someone that wasn't my girlfriend. since last wednesday i guess.#and now any time she texts me i literally just want to tear my hair out like#i'm not this person this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. i feel literally plastic.#everything i say is like. someone's already said the exact same thing. i can't do conversations right i can't do them unique.#on friday when i was with my girlfriend i felt wrong the entire fucking time#i think part of that was because i really don't like kissing to be honest#but also because like. i was not a human being. that was not a person in there#i felt neutral. we watched a show and i couldn't keep track of anything that happened#and i was resting against her but i couldn't like. remember it. feel it.#every time i get like this i KNOW if i just sleep i'll feel okay again#but that doesn't even feel real. when was the last time i actually felt a positive feeling?#it was a few hours ago but like. gone. whatever. discarded.#why did i think a healthy relationship would fix it?#neg#dont rb
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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the 20 dollar pair of throwaways I got for my sister's wedding were perfect for the like 7 hours I got them for but are really not perfect for like anything else ever
#i mean the WERE 20 dollars thats how it works but ya know#ive had to use them while walking around to do errands and not gonna lie wish i hadnt tossed the old busted pair#they were pretty far past done for but these things have given me. SO many blisters and i kinda just gotta keep goin#woulda taken the duct tape pair. shoulda just kept the duct tape pair#i seriously need to get some actual nice walking shoes but that would necessitate having more than 50 dollars at one point ever#and im outta weed lmao i had to bust out the emergency stash from the junk drawer#you know cause i get to where im sleeping and the ouch oof ache of my badshoes leaves me wanting a poofer choofer#its a cycle but ive been in worse cycles#if my mental health were also at an especially low point during all this i dont even KNOW what id be doing lol#i walkked. over 17 miles the other day in a haze of self harm after more bullshit happened and lost my wallet during the walk.#not a fun 6 miles of backtracking. drank outta someones hose once and the river twice to stave the clearly onsetting dehydration. didnt die!#found the wallet. drank maybe more water than i ever have in one moment when i passed the library and absorbed their entire drinking font#anyway my legs/knees were ruined and i almost sent myself to the hospital again cause i cant make bad decisions normal i get weird about it#but hey if a very specific set of circumstances fall into place maybe i wont be broke and just generally all around unwell goin forward#heres hoping it does before student loan payments roll round again lol
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update on The Horrors Date: we are now meeting maybe tuesday? because he's a third year and he's got something to do with his dissertation due monday and that's definitely why he couldn't meet at the time i gave him there's no other reason why he'd want to meet in the evening at his house without a time limit as opposed to the afternoon like i said. i am not overthinking this on the contrary im being very optimistic about this entire thing
#basicallyyyyyyy#we agreed on sunday and when i asked him what time he said 8ish#but my flat are (genuinely) having a xmas dinner tonight and my mate has effectively given me a fucking curfew#where she was like 'if you're not back by 6 im killing you in your sleep'#so i told him that and said we could meet around 4ish instead#and he immediately was like no#and it's totally valid he literally told me AGES ago that he had an assignment he needed to do over the weekend#and that's why we originally said friday#but im IMMEDIATELY here like 'he wants me to come to his HOUSE in the EVENING when i have NO EXCUSE TO LEAVE'#like gee i wonder what he thinks is gonna happen....#BUT BUT BUT i think we're just going to go for coffee now because it's easier? so this is actually a good thing#im like aware that it's me being a bitch and assuming the worst out of him but idk im paranoid about shit like this#if we do just get coffee on tuesday im gonna be over the moon bc that takes away so much fucking stress#i was telling my flatmate about it bc normally i wouldnt have even agreed to get dinner with him at his house as a first date#bc who does that for a FIRST DATE?? that's terrifying no thank you#but because i spent the night with him it's kind of warped the timeline of things and now idk where we are#and my flatmate was like 'so? ive spent the night with lads and i dont think it changes anything about a first date'#and i was like i understand but bestie you're talking about SEX#i didnt do ANYTHING with this guy we CUDDLED and he KISSED THE TOP OF MY HEAD AT ONE POINT#THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN JUST SLEEPING WITH HIM IDK WHAT THE PROTOCOL FOR THIS IS#basically it's all a shambles#but ive had more time to think about it and while that has been its own curse bc ive overthought EVERYTHING#it's also made me realise that this is ultimately a good fun exciting thing and i need to stop being a little bitch about it#hella goes to uni
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...
#i feel like im trapped in a nightmare rn. like ten min ago i was working on this application#so im summarizing information from an already established project design with no fucking idea if they is the way they want it#knowing im probably doing too much bc the guy was like yea just throw some of these ideas together. like what the fuck do u mean??? u just#gave me the project outline fuck u. and im listening to discordant dreamy vaporwave music and my boss is texting me like#did u reach out to ur last co author abt reading thru ur manuscript bc apparently i misunderstood when she said she last talked to him abt#when he could read it. its due on tuesday. which is also when im traveling home#so fucking i guess i have to hope he looks at it Monday so i cant actually edit in time to submit it that next morning or the night after#i land and get home and hope to god there arent any setbacks in submission#and it feels like a nightmare bc ive managed somehow push myself back to the brink of collapse. im exhausted despite sleeping like 10hrs#last night. at least its raining so i dont have to go sampling tomorrow#im just so tried. this application feels pointless and a waste of time bc i have these fucking manuscripts hanging around my neck. but i#said id apply so im fucking doing it. its close to done. ill finish it tonight but god at what cost#a little more than 48hrs and ill b home. assuming nothing terrible happens. home but not quite off the hook i guess#i just wanna lay on the floor for a while. lay on the floor and sleep for a while#my brain is too heavy for my head#unrelated
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RLY EXCITING STUFF i got to be on parttime tooth fairy duty for the first time ^_^
#the tooth fairy missed little mans tooth yesterday and the same thing happened last time so he was quite upset#so i covered really quickly and said that our old tooth fairy (her name was willow) had taken on an apprentice but she wasnt quite used#to the job yet. and then i helped my mom pick out ribbons and stuff 4 the note#a d im super excited to see his reaction :] bc i used to be so happy whenever we got notes from the tooth fairy#when i was little i would write notes like interrogating her sbt what it was like being a toothfairy#and lamp wasnt good at writing so i had to write all their notes as well#and ya. so im just happy that i get 2 do that 4 him#i actually DID THE DROP and then found out that the teeth just get thrown in the trash. HEARTBREAKING#my mom said 'everyone ive spoken to whose parents kept them said they were weirded out' but i wouldve een sooo ecstatic. i could make like a#tooth necklace or something itd be sick... so im keeping them for my kids and itll just depend on if they grow up normal or not i guess.#BUT YA. it was just rly funny and i also literally had a moment of realization after i asked my mom what to do with the tooth#where i was like I just wasnt sure its my first time being the tooth fairy so theres a lot to learn . and rhen i literally gasped and went#oh my god im the apprentice tooth fairy .#we named her ivy bc mine nd lamps toothfairy was named willow so we wanted another tree name#so we figured ivy would work well bc itll be easy for him to sound out and spell if he wants to write a note to her next time he loses a#tooth#im just excited. and hes finally back on a sleep schedule which is huge my parents dont rly enforce anything#but me and lamp worked a bit on getting him back on a schedule sonce school is back on#and he like pretty voluntarily went to bed at around 930#:] so im happy abt that.
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Absolutely getting a kick of imagining a Ma.mma M|a type scenario for Kae hehdb
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Only tells the Gunnh|ldr sisters and Lisa abt it; bc they are Most Trusted#//Gwtting such a laugh of Jean being all ‘omg you’re gonna have a kid! who’s the lucky man?’#//Meanwhile Kae’s just sweatin bullets as he watches it dawn on Jean that he ain’t got a fuckin clue either djdbdb#//Prolly gets yelled at for like 10mins after joking he knows for a Fact it ain’t Rosie or Bedo lmao#//‘YOURE USUALLY SO CAREFUL; WTF HAPPENED???’ ‘I DONT KNOW AAAA’#//He wouldn’t immediately tell Addie bc she would Absolutely get SUPER involved & try to get him to move back into the Winery#//He can’t just be living on his OWN or the BARRACKS; he’s got to have sb to help look after him & make sure he’s eating & sleeping well!#//And if SHE gets involved; the Winery STAF get involved and thus LUC gets involved and he deffo does NOT want that#//Luc prolly inevitably does; & is a little less angry & a bit more eager to get smth set up for Kae at the Winery#//Like mans FINALLY has the means to ask him to come back home; prolly frames it as Addie being worried#//Anywho; who could be the actual candidates jcbdb#//THAT would be fun#//Huffman for sure one of them. Wagner too? maybe Draff?#//No; mans wife is APPARENTLY still alive#//Maybe Ae.ther or Da|nsleif?#//Or even Ven.ti would be so fucken funny#//He wouldn’t even wanna know so they’d stay w him; he’d just wanna know so he has an idea what his kids gonna be like/hafta worry abt#//For facts the Traveler option would be the angstiest#//At least with Ven or Dain; Kae can joke around at his own expense and be all ‘Ah well; that happened’#//Even if both present worrisome scenarios regarding Celestia/The Curse; but he’ll cross those bridges when they get there#//But with Traveler; he would be Massively upset. Bc w them; he would be so ATTACHED as is he’d WANT them to stay#//Want to be selfish and MAKE them stay; but he knows their goal; that their FAMILY is not HIM#//so he’d heavily internalize everything to ensure they don’t feel pressured to choose him over their sibling#//Esp if they plan to move on from Teyvat once they do; he couldn’t possibly bear putting them & himself through that#//On a lighter note; he’d be pissed but also laughing so hard if it was sb like Wagner or Huffman lmao#//Like ‘Seriously? I’ve fucked gods; allogenes; and some odd mix of the two & a cursed man; and THEIRS is the one that took??’#//But he’d be relieved it meant the kid might have a more normal life honestly#//ughughugh more fics ideas I rlly oughta be writing jxnxnxn#//This one’s actually so fun
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