#this is so embarrassing i am ASHAMED of myself
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EARTH SWALLOW MEEEEEEE
#so im visiting dad in my hometown and we went out for a walk withmy aunt and her bf AND then#we pass some guys from a band i saw with a friend the other month and i was like NOT NOW and panicked and just rushed paat#and im p sure they recognized which is like.... im going to kmssssssss simply bc i didnt bother to say hi 💀😭#im worse than stupid teenagers in those b production teen dramas like girl why are yo u acting like thjssss#and now i need to die & move countries to never be seen by anyone ever again i need to become a hermit i dont deserve the local music scene#this is so embarrassing i am ASHAMED of myself#piksla.txt
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some business to take care of
#i was tempted to caption this as she was a skater boy and she was also another skater boy but#duck scribbles#midoyuzu#enstars#whats up guys im being embarrassing again on main#been wanting a new phone wallpaper and this was born. its the lesbian version though im not showing that#midori takamine#yuzuru fushimi#yuzumido#ensemble stars#also have additional doodles that r kind of corny and im too ashamed to add into the main post so i might add on a reblog or maybe not#midterms were so awful i had to keep reminding myself i can go ham drawing whatever i want once im done. and naturally its this#anyways ive always liked midos city rider fit it suits her so well#always wanted to find a good one to pair w it and the wink killer 2nd half xscout was toooo good i was inspired immediately#finally could use this good ref pic ive had saved since forever i need to draw backgrounds more too it was rather fun somehow#mental state has been yoyoing an insane degree lately like come on i dont need to be reminded i am a useless hunk of meat every other day#with nothing good going for them. college is amazing at reminding me of such god bless#i have bad tendencies to self isolate behind the excuse of concentrating that i am trying to fix . but its hard to get back when i do#not to mention the entire Big Event happening over in good ol amerika serikat!!! my apathy is naturally immense#but whats some peace of mind here and there idk. im gonna read yuri
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Do you guys have any tips on how to take care of yourself and your environment when you’re kind of at a low point where you have no energy to do anything...pls help
#this is embarrassing#but i have been sleeping on a bed with no sheets for the past month#because I’m just too tired to get clean ones#and it’s super hard to take care of myself#my house is a complete mess#is this neurodivergent culture#neurodivergent#actually neurodiverse#actually autistic#actually neurodivergent#adhd#pls help#I’m so ashamed of myself but i need help so that’s why i am asking#also for moral support
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I've been an absolute emotional wreck since last night due to my narcissist father making me feel less than human so can i..........ask for some reassurance that i'm not an absolute failure of a human being
or pictures of your cats, that would help a lot too
#its been months of dealing with his abuse and last night it left me feeling worse than ever and i am just#really exhausted and mentally broken rn#and i hate asking for reassurance because I always feel like a bother and I should just deal with shit myself until it passes#but when i say last night was bad it was bad and i feel like i am not even meant to be alive that is how that man made me feel#so i just wanna be selfish this one time#and ask for spare kindness because i could really use it right now because my feelings arent going away#no matter how hard im trying to distract myself today and i dont have the strenght to stay like this for a week or more#so yeah#gomen for rambling in the tags im just really#idfk embarrassed and ashamed i dont like asking for help i feel dumb even tho i know its not dumb but yeah#txt
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Do you ever read a post where someone is explaining a pokitical thing and from the way they're saying you know with absolute certainty 1) they got their info from a tumblr post and have never actually followed up on how feasible that information actually is to act upon (they may not even have checked if it was CORRECT, but when they do they have clearly not looked into how easy or hard it may be to follow those instructions with a positive outcome), and 2) you know WHICH tumblr post they're quoting because it is basically a copy/paste of it, and 3) it was YOUR goddamn post and the thing they are saying is entirely counter to the point you were making when you said it to the point that you genuinely wonder if they just like. Memory-holed the entire context once they saw that one itty bitty point.
It's like the motherfuckiny dating apps all over again. I do not want people to love my words if they are not actually willing to do the work of understanding them! Didn't your kindergarten ever make you play Telephone to teach you how heresay falls out????
#sometimes i feel like a prized 12 point buck and everyone is desperate to give chase so they can skin me and wear my pelt in memorium#the luxury of being seen is rarely extended to those we perceive as confident/constant in their sense of self#the path of being a child who was constantly told i was making people uncomfortable and alienating my peers#only to immediately become an adult who everyone perceives as so together that they are just Like That With Everyonr#brennan said something like this in the disection of a recent misfits and magic episode about sam (character)#and how he (as evan) realized that the charm and specialness she gifts to everyone around her means that no one ever really gifts it back#and how that fundamentally felt transcendent and revelatory for evan as a turning point idea#he'd spent so long never trusting others feelings of care for him that he couldn't see how he was bulldozing right into and over sam's own#insecurities about whether or not she is worth loving or is special in the same way#and then they had some back and forth about like#sometimes when you develop the skill of relateability and pacification#you disappear so deeply into it that no one notices you're gone - even you yourself - until it's too late#it put to words a lot of the like#gap. that i've always felt between me and others. this insistance on elevating or pathologizing me depending on where they feel the need#to be in relation to me#while having absolutely zero awareness of my actual positioning in relation to them#i have found that they way i interact with others seems to give the impression that because i am being 'genuine' and 'open' about myself#that ALSO means that I am sharing the whole of me.#and when i talk about destigmatization and shame and people work really hard to be like. aware of the edges of me to carch me embarrassed#like if they can prove that i don't 'admit' something it's because i'm ashamed as opposed to considering that maybe they don't have the kind#of relationship with me that would warrant the sharing of it#because i'm willing to talk i am no longer allowed privacy or it's treated as incongruous#but like. i am different people for different people and they are all authentically me but they are also about faciliting the version#of the other person that matters to me to be able to spend time with. i'm not going to bring the parts of me that put you in a bad mood#or aren't comfortable/safe for you. also probably not going to put those things out into the open world as a mixed company conversation#i don't know where I'm going or where I came from here but i think the point is just that I think there's melancholy in seeing when#you also don't know a reliable way to be seen in turn
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I think I got possibly the absolute worst outcome for the tribunal you could possibly get and then slept from 12pm to 7pm
#SEVEN FUCKING PEOPLE DEAD#jesus christ#i dont think it couldve gone worse#im googling two seconds#yep jesus christ the only possible death i didnt get was kourtenar and i dont think i wouldve given a shit if he died#what the hell hiw did i fuck it up so unbelievably fucking bad#i failed some checks i really fucking shouldnt have#jesus this is what i get for being bad at murder mysteries#motherfucker#i actually feel genuinely really awful like sick to my stomach#my teeth started chattering during it i was so hopped up and stresssssed#fuck im tempted to cheese it to try get a better outcome but shit man i dont think i personally could#i have no idea how i could have fixed any of it i fucked up before i even walked into it#god what the fuck#im like genuinely embarrassed and kind of ashamed?#someone said you have to let shanky run how do you do that i genuinely do not remember a decision like that#fuckin cheesecloth brain fucking hell#couldnt have gone worse if ibfuckin tried#motherfucking disco elysium#this is so embarrassing admitting this#the power of friendship DID in fact fail me#well now i have to play the game and not fuck up like an idiot#god i feel so terrible how did i screw things uo so much#admittedly maybe i should be nicer to myself considering i'd maybe gotten 3 hours of sleep yesterday and had been awake for nearly 24 hours#(ive been sleeping weird dont worry about it)#but man i dont think i couldve made it go much better but even 6 deaths is better than 7#sprry for the long tags i am just miserable#i also think im sick? maybe a covid test in my future
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finally tackled the absolute mountain of laundry in various states of cleanliness around my room. now all of it is sorted and put into its respective zones of "away".
#98% of my room being clean with visible floorspace is just finally handling the laundry#i am ashamed and embarrassed that i always have so much dirty laundry#eventually i'll get back to the point i was at when i was the coach of laundry where i'll have like a week's worth of shit to get done#and not a backlog of several months#eventually#and i will be working on not feeling so much shame about the state of my laundry#i don't *like* that i do it but there's nothing inherently immoral about it like the voice of my mother that shouts in my brain thinks#the put away laundry plus the effort i've been making to Make My Bed before sitting in it has helped me feel more settled in the space#so that's good#when i am not as concerned about blocking the various registers in my room i will be in business#(mattress on the floor only fits in one specific corner right by the intake)#(output register is awkwardly directly in the middle of the opposite side of the room which makes arranging the furniture where i'd like it#an interesting endeavor that i'm not super excited in attempting to orchestrate in the future)#i know where i'd *like* things to go#whether or not that'll actually be feasible is another story#also i think i'm going to have to just go through my clothes with the mindset of actually getting rid of things#i threw out a couple pairs of socks because they were worn so thin i'm not sure mending would have fixed the holes#like that that point i'm making a whole new sock and you know what i could do instead? not do that#i also have a lot of Baggage Items i haven't quite gotten around to divesting myself of#(as in the items of clothing have a lot of emotional baggage tied to them that i may or may not be using to negative effect on myself)#lots of old shit lots of things that don't fit lots of things i don't even like actually#but it was free or nearly so and i've just held onto it because free#only a few things are kept because i like wearing them and the texture is nice#so we'll just. go through some stuff and eventually i'll get to the point that even if *all* of my clothes are dirty and on the floor#it doesn't take up my WHOLE goddamn room#that said this has in fact been a problem my whole life and so i don't imagine it's going to be quick or easy to fix lol
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🍓
#umm he couldnt even be bothered to react to my messages with emojis?!?!?#like he said that he isnt up for talking and i respect that#i asked him if it's still ok for me to message him and he said 'ofc'#so i did.... i had to push myself bc im feeling like he hates me and doesnt wanna hear from me#all of my disorders saying that haha#so i pushed myself to message him when i wanted to#but.... ok i didnt expect him to reply#but he read it and didnt even give me an emoji#im aware that i sound crazy#this is just how im FEELING#i feel stupid and ashamed for thinking he even wants to listen to me yap about nonsense#i hate myself for being so stupid and sending him pics and a video of the crow i saw#like shut up dumb bitch nobody cares!!!!!!!! shut up#no wonder he cant be in love with me#im pathetic and stupid#his ex that he actually loves is probably smart and witty and cool#and would never be such a fkn loser like i an#am*#god... genuinely hate myself#why dont i know how to shut up??#definitely wont be messaging him anymore now jesus christ im so embarrassing#im still hurt tho like couldnt he at least have reacted with an emoji#is that too much to ask for......#i mean listen in any relationship#where u have disorders.. communication and BOTH ppl making an effort is needed#the only way our 'friendship' is even working is bc im just allowing him to do whatever#and im just dealing with the emotional suffering lol#he doesnt even make an effort to reassure me or anything#so yes i cant force him or ask anything of him. but i FEEL hurt by how im not worthy of anything to him#while im over here allowing him to hurt me constantly sksksk
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I can’t believe I clenched my jaw that damn hard the day the last cosplayer man picture dropped I am not fucking with you I did it to the point that I heard something pop
#GOD. that was so fucking embarrassing on my part it wasn’t that damn serious#a man looks at the camera in a Mildly Sultry fashion ONCE and I nearly break something in my mouth 🚶#SHAMEFUL. I am ASHAMED.#I’m apologizing to SOMEONE for this. myself probably! and to you for being that cringe on main!
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Sorry to keep throwing Miscellaneous Asks your way, but I finally had a moment to get my thoughts in order on one of the points on your Venn diagram I wanted to talk about! I always kind of debate whether or not to send other, semi-unrelated long asks like this when we've already got a chain going, but oh well. I'll try and address anything brought up in response here in the main one and hopefully it doesn't get confusing lol.
So I was thinking about the extent of Jo and Arakawa's relationship. It is completely true there's not much you can say that's concrete, especially since most of what we see is from Jo's perspective. Although his perspective is crucial to forming an understanding of their relationship, it's not sufficient. This is particularly the case because, coming back to giri-ninjo for a moment, Jo is largely bound by giri; it's clear his loyalty runs deep, but it's not a choice for him.
Arakawa, on the other hand, can choose who he places his trust in, especially early on. And I think it's incredibly important that, despite having men who've already been with him from day 1, men who've already been helping him with his son, Arakawa chooses to "place every confidence" in Jo (per an old Famitsu profile, one of the first official ones) and chooses to make Jo his captain.
Similarly, he kind of chooses Jo "over" Ichi in sending Ichi to prison "instead of" Jo. Perhaps the family really would collapse without Jo's talents, but… does it have to collapse entirely? Didn't Arakawa make it pretty far on his own? I guess it's neither here nor there, but I've always wondered if things would've really played out as feared if Jo went to prison instead. Not to understate Jo's role in the family, of course.
Anyway, I think that trust shows not only in overt gestures such as entrusting Masato and the family's finances to Jo, but also in more subtle behind-the-scenes ways, such as what we were talking about before with regard to New Year's 2001. There's also the fact that leaking information to Aoki was Jo's idea; for that to be the case, Arakawa would have to discuss Aoki's threats at length with Jo. (Unrelated, but come to think of it, "complying with him [to] make him see value in keeping us around" is very often the strategy of victims of abuse and neglect…)
And this one's an underrated detail many people miss, but after Arakawa shot Ichi, while he was able to come up to Ichi to tell him he's counting on him and sneak in the fake bill, if the goal was to not arouse suspicion, I don't think he would exactly have been able to excuse himself from the dinner to drive Ichi to Yokohama. Time was of the essence in terms of Ichi's survival, so that leaves Jo, who was conveniently already at the scene and who was certainly in on the "secret rule" that constitutes part of the Arakawa Family's agreement with the homeless camp. Overall, there is a pattern of Arakawa approaching Jo before anyone else, isn't there?
Sort of branching off of that, I would personally feel comfortable saying that Jo knows Arakawa better than anyone else. He seems to know details about Akane and New Year's 1976 no one else does, details Arakawa would have had to volunteer himself, and that plus his own experiences are what allow him alone to have the most complete picture of that night.
I also get the impression Jo understands Arakawa better as a person than anyone else--certainly better than Aoki, but perhaps even better than Ichi in some cases. There are multiple instances where he defends Arakawa and challenges their perceptions of him--that he's "betrayed" the Tojo Clan, that he's betrayed Aoki, that he's the type to scheme and make power-plays behind Aoki's back. He hasn't. And, despite how little Jo's "allowed" to say, he turns out to be right every time. Also worth noting Arakawa does something similar in asking Ichi to try and understand Jo's frustrations, though he's more or less enabling Jo's abuse in doing so.
Lastly, The Smallest Detail that drives me kind of insane. Them arriving at the office in the back seat of the same car in one of Ichi's flashbacks. I wouldn't think too much of it if it were any other time of day, but the first-thing-in-the-morning quality and the fact Jo isn't driving (thus it's not as an act of service but as an equal) is like… Okay. You're carpooling to work. And if you're not carpooling, you're honest-to-god living together. What the hell.
So a lot of it is this web of inferences--it has to be, at least currently--but I really do think there's a lot to chew on. More than meets the eye, anyway. I've also been stewing in all of this for years, especially since drafting Jo's relationships section, so I might just have inhaled the fumes for too long lol
Thank you for coming to me about the nature of their relationship! Although I did put it down as being more-or-less 'uncertain' on my chart, I do agree that their relationship isn't as cut-and-dry as other relationships might be (it's going back to appreciating the complexities of RGG relationships, especially in the case of the Arakawa's where for every party involved it really IS complicated)
I wanted to exclude making any definitive statements on things that couldn't be verified without making a detour on the original post (I know I already mentioned frequently that Arakawa is able to joke about Jo being 'softer' on Masato, but I do think about their relationship often and the implied depth of Jo's loyalty if- as you said- he was able to climb through the ranks of the Arakawa family much quicker than preexisting members), but there are clear points in the game that due allude to a great trust between the two (and I also note that carpooling detail during Ichi's flashback- or at the very least I know I'd find myself noticing Jo sitting in the back opposed to the front/driving). It's definitely not hard to assert that Jo knows Arakawa well either, it's hard not to come to that conclusion when we have evidence from the game to infer that.
#long post#fave#i should prob come up with an actual tag for these asks so i can easily find them and not sift through my other fave'd posts#ill do it in the morning im right about to go to bed but i just saw this pop up on my notifications#and well. we know me i've been presented an itch i have to scratch LMAO#snap chats#i feel a bit silly now- i know that their relationship isn't exactly. 'uncertain' but i didnt want to put that so i didn't appear#hmm.. i dont know the word for it.#i guess because it's not AS blatant as daigo and mine's relationship was#i didnt want to make it appear as though i was saying theres more when there isnt?? tho there definitely is..#its a little evident i Am interested in the depths of their relationship so i promise ive thought about it#maybe i just wasnt sure how to exactly word it.. though in review the way i worded it on my chart#wasn't HORRIBLE. to most standards anyway i think however it definitely undermines the bond they have and for that#'ashamed' is hyperbolic i feel like someone would say so we'll go with 'embarrassed' to meet in the middle#but thats the benefit of peer review isnt it- just to help catch your mistakes or to help reaffirm ideas so im grateful!#but x2 again in review im a silly coward for doubting my gut on that#tho i sort of do want to torch that post- i wont tho. it's not supposed to be SUPER deep just very quick notes#so i guess i'll save the Deep Dive on jo and masumi's relationship for a future post. is what ill tell myself to keep myself sane#thank you for compiling- i suppose i'll call- their moments together !#it's a great way to keep track of every important note on their relationship that i hope people will take note of if they havent
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the mortifying ordeal of today being a potluck day.
#purrs#delete later#it’s been 3.5 years since i last was at one and somehow it’s exactly as miserable as it was before if not worse. also why am i being fucking#guilt tripped into doing this and participating in it. im fucking 24 years old. i should get to choose how to spend my time. i should not be#a prop to make my mom look good for running the perfect vegan family. like it sounds like a cartoon but i don’t fucking care about being#vegan and i never did. i just got scared into it and i fucking resent being a prop put on display and unable to do what i want because i#have all this shit in my head about what’s healthy and what’s not and what will make my mom and her community ashamed of me. i fucking hate#these potlucks i hate having to be fake nice to the people who go to them who are so annoying and revolting and i hate being fucking TWENTY#FOUR and forced into doing things i don’t want to do because im afraid of my mom and afraid of myself. my weekends are precious. my choices#are precious. i am not a child anymore. i do not exist to make her look good or feel better about herself. my thoughts and choices are my#own and i own them. i do not want to have anything to do with this and i never did. people are going to get all in my face and im going to h#have to act like a kid again and make myself small and it’s so EMBARRASSING i am an adult!!!!!! im a late bloomer but im an adult. and i get#to choose my life and i get to rebel if i want to. but im not brave enough and we have to go in an hour 30. fucking hellllll#like the fact that my family hosts these. and it’s seen as a FAMILY thing when it’s just my mom. 💀💀💀💀 like please let me have my own life a#and interests and spend my time the way i want to. lol#food#ask to tag
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I wonder if in 100 years people will wonder why the women of our generation basically tortured themselves to get rid of perfectly normal body hair
#i just spent 2h waxing my arms and legs#i took breaks#plus I'm not as efficient and good at it as a pro#but jfc#whyyyyyyy#why do i do this to myself#so much pain and frustration#and now my skin is all tingly and soon it's gonna get itchy AF#like. is it worth it#why am i ashamed of my body hair#why have i been conditioned to hate it#I'm going on vacation and I could not bear the thought of being hairy while there#but i did go swimming at the pool here hairy cause I couldn't shave because i knew i needed to wax#i felt embarrassed the entire time though
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thanks to @burnt-sienna-soup-ladles for tagging me to post ten gifs of tv shows i've seen without elaborating! did not technically have to make them myself but got carried away wanting specific shots haha
i think those i'd tag have already been, so please if you see this and would like to do it, consider yourself tagged by me. this was fun and a good excuse to procrastinate <3
#also this is by no means an exhaustive list but each of these shows has taken over my life at one point or another so#(holding up a little sign that says yes i was [and kind of still am] a bbc sherlock enjoyer and yes im ashamed of myself)#several of these are kind of embarrassing to be honest but Fuck it.#tag game#thanks soup this was fun!
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#I want to die i want to die i want to kill myself#Nothings even wrong or happening idk why im at this point of endlessly overwhelmed#I dont want friends or partners or anyone to know of me to look at me#I want complete and utter isolation#Why? I dont know I dont know.#Im sick of ppl. Sick of being perceived by them. Sick of wanting and needing and feeling embarrassed#I have this guilt and shame so deep and hot within me it feels like its turning all my bones to ash#My blood is molten and my skin is boiling#I am not a living thing.#I have to tell my therapist today the reason I keep putting off doctors and dentist appointments#Is bc it isnt gonna matter in the long run. That I'm gonna kill myself as soon as my teeth get too bad#Or the bones in my hips and feet finally get past my threshold for pain#Im just gonna kill myself bc its the easiest and simplest option#Im squandering so much for selfish reasons when ppl out there are dying for these options#Im selfish but I cant not be. I cant go I cant recieve help bc I dont deserve it#FuckFUCJ FUCK. WHY AM I SO ASHAMED.
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TW!!!!!! vent post, keep scrolling baby!!
okay basically it's sooo annoying to have developed deeply unhealthy and self-destructive coping mechanisms when you were young bc they literally don't go away. you're just stuck w that stupid impulse forever even if you never actually indulge again
#even more embarrassing to engage in those behaviors as an adult. oh you self-harm ?? you have recent scars ?? shouldnt you have grown#out of that by now?? dumb bitch. and then every time you get upset you have to take yourself on a little self-regulating walk#bc you cant be alone in your apartment w sharp objects. its embarrassing and awful and its like. a compulsion#like who do i think i am... amy adams in sharp objects ?? wait i should rewatch that show#and like i cant even talk abt it bc im too embarrassed and i dont want people to think im gonna kill myself. bc im not. the only person#i have ever told is my doctor so she would give me antidepressants i cant even bring it up w therapists bc im too ashamed
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I. Man i shouldnt have posted that art cause i keep finding mistakes with it 😭
Its okay i can always color adjust it later. I just. Dunno why my brain borked when it came to color picking today lol
#teru’s orenji texts#i feel so embarrassed#like i fucked it up so badly#and showed ir off to everyone#like i did a good job with it when i didnt#i want to crawl into a hole and die#I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF#I CANT CALL MYSELF AN ARTIST LIKE THIS
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