#this is my first post here so
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“all i want you to be is better than me”
my father went to Germany once.
His tongue slithered and hissed at the food of the land the whole time he was there, for it had learnt to always fear new things. He ate boiled eggs and french fries and ice cream the entire time he was there.
I will never know how it would feel to be a foreigner so far from home, but this is how I see it: my father, clumsy german and english tinted so heavily with the words his mother first spoke to him, standing in a jewelry store aisle. I will never know, but his image haunts me all the same: my father, browsing through everything gold and glittering. His eyes scintillate brighter than any stone displayed. I would never understand it, but this is what he does: he looks at a ring of jade and thinks- mother would love this. He looks at the store clerk packing it up and thinks- mother would be proud of me.
(When he returns, his mother throws the ring back at his face. It seems to win her love, he needed 24 karats and he was lacking 6, the name of his elder brother and a degree from IIT.)
2. my father lost his job when he was 35
The man who read Mahabharata to me when I was in the womb now looks at amma with empty eyes when she says she can feel the baby kicking. The man who cradled my mother in the palm of his callused hands (carefully, carefully. For her, he was willing to learn not to break all that he loved) now misses all her appointments to the gynaecologist, sleeping in some random park bench with his resume tucked under his head.
My father is 35 and he wants to surrender himself to the sea but knows that just like all the others, it will chew and spit him out of its cruel jaws. My father is 35 and my sister is born. He holds her, but not for too long. When he turns to me, he tells me he’ll buy me all the biryani I want. He clutches my hand tightly as we walk out.
He tells me he’ll stay.
3. i was 13 when I first remember hugging my father.
I am 13 and all baby fat is melting away with the unwanted emotions as I walk up to him one day and put my arms around him randomly.
Broken shards and bandages, a heart that thinks and a brain that sings. I held him for the first time that day and discovered all over again: he has always been warm, my father. My hearth, my sun, my appa. And when he strokes my hair, my head almost fits the palm of his hand. The pressure is grounding and there is a father and a child, a boy and his mirror, a lonely god and his creation, in each other’s arms. Broken shards and bandages, a heart that thinks and a brain that sings.
I learn love from him all over again.
4. my father, he has always been hungry.
Hungry for the sweetest delicacies and the most scrumptious of meals (“More, more, more,” he asks. He is eight, twelve, forty-nine. father mine, I weep, do you think your plate can ever remain full?). Hungry for achievements and praises and glory (“I’m proud of you,” I tell him as he wakes up another day with me, “What for?” “I just am”). Hungry for love and money and the world (this globe has always been too small for his hands and yet, and yet, he can’t bear to hold it for even a second. It’s too heavy, he says, it has always been heavy.) Hungry for fulfilment, for peace and rest (more, more, more).
My father, he has never known what it means not to starve and so he says, ”all i want you to be is better than me.” He has never known to be enough, so he says, ”all i want you to be is better than me.”
But father, don’t you see? I am your daughter, your son, your child, and and and- see? I can’t even say who I am because I don’t know. I’ve never belonged and all boxes tear at the edges when they try to contain me. I’ve never known to smile without lying and to let my wounds heal without picking on them over and over again till they’re bloody. I hold my head high and wear the stilettos you gifted me even though my heels are cracked and my gait is faltering. My mouth always tastes like anger and it’s so tiring to hold all this bitterness in me.
Everything I do, it screams your name. Every poem I write, every tear I shed,screams and cries appa, appa look, are you proud of me?
Father, I’ve learnt to claw through scrapes to fill my belly and even though you’re giving and giving and giving me everything I yearn for my stomach still rumbles (more, more, more) and my claws are still unsheathed. Maybe some of us will never be sated, will never know peace.
But I look at you, and I think: that’s okay. Father, you’ve taught me love and held me through my sleepless nights and brushed away all my tears. I am always filled to the brim with love, I think. Everything I create always comes down to those three words: I love you. Every word I utter sounds like I’ll stay, I promise I’ll stay.
“All I want you to be is better than me.”
But father, don’t you see? I am you.
#this is my first post here so#if anyone's listening#hi <3#poetry#my poetry#my writing#creative writing#love#thoughts#prose#writeblr
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warmth in the cold
#gravity falls#stanley pines#grunkle stan#his first meeting with the twins!#dipper pines#mabel pines#dipper and mabel#book of bill#thisisnotawebsitedotcom#not really happy with how i did the values here but oh well#this was supposed to have a companion piece but#they didn't really connect all that well#so im posting them on their own#caption is from the song “because you love me” by the rare occasions#one of my fave songs!#the book of bill
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they are like puppies. 2 me
#gravity falls#dipper pines#mabel pines#stan pines#stanley pines#ford pines#stanford pines#gravity falls fanart#fanart#disney#pretty happy with the bg on this one!!!#to be honest i don't know how i got here#at first i just wanted to draw mabel and dipper sleeping on the floor bc i thought it was a cute idea and i love to draw cuddling#and then um. suddenly i had placed them in an entire environment and added stan and ford#couldn't tell ya what happened#but i had fun with it!!#anyway yeah thank you again for all the recent support#hit 12k!!!! woah!!!!!#i was gonna make a post thanking you for 10k but then i hit 11 and now 12 so um. whoops#to be honest i don't even know what to say 😭😭 it's just crazy to me that ive gotten this far because ive had this acc since i was like. 12#it was my first social media i think#and the first way i got into fandoms#so yeah anyway. thank you :'))#mods art#mods draws#my art
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Louis and Claudia, dancing in the sunlight
#interview with the vampire#iwtv#my art#fanart#amc iwtv#claudia#iwtv claudia#claudia de lioncourt de pointe du lac#iwtv louis#louis de pointe du lac#im sorry if the quality is bad#Its my first time posting on here#I love them so much im gonna faint#son argentinos y peronistas#I got inspired by @cruelnemothesis
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obligatory beach divorce doodling
bonus rough cover redraw of x-men #41 (1995) But Beach Divorce below cut
#mcu#marvel cinematic universe#xmen#xmen movies#xmen first class#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#professor x#magneto#snap sketches#'snap i thought you were drawing old cherik this weekend' so did i but i was inflicted with visions sorry </3#i have my lil 92 comic sketched so ill do that tomorrow. not finish it but ill work on it 💀#i wsa just gonna draw the first thing but then i figureed i might as well draw Most of the beach-divorce-related things i want to#just so i could put it all on one post. however this is a lie and i know ill wanna doodle more beach stuff#the first drawing Unsurprisingly was motivated BY the xmen 41 legion quest cover- at the very least the total blackout of erik's face#i wanna draw more of erik using his powers .. i wanna figure out how i wanna draw the effect etc etc#i was just gonna redraw the cover but i already liked the sketch i did of the first thing so. here we are#plus i figure someones already done a redraw of the cover but if anyone cares ill finish my version ig LOL#as for the comic ermmm it was just an excuse to draw erik with glowing eyes </3 and fading-glowing eyes </3#thats why i didnt draw the whole. Choking Moira bit. but i wouldve if i was redrawing the whole scene#kinda wish i did now that i think of it cause it coulda looked cooler prob but oh well maybe in like. three months when i redraw this#for exactly five cents ill redraw the whole beach divorce erlkjealkaje i can see it so clearly in my mind#what if first class was a comic drawn by a freak thatd be wild#but yeah thats why everything look rough as christ these were just supposed to be silly lil thangs#'silly things' and its beach divorce OK.#ok bye im gonna do my homework
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claudia + yellow
#babybeloved#madeleines hand resting on her shoulder in the first one <3#got shadowbanned on teethburied for vpn crimes so i have to post gifs on here again...... my life is really hard#claudia#claudia de pointe du lac#interview with the vampire#iwtv#iwtvedit#*#delainey hayles
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been replaying the Portal series I think this is where its heading
#i haven't drawn in like. half a month. which listen i know i don't post much here but i do draw a lot#i have another blog. but also sometimes i just don't post things. i draw for myself#just got burnt out from working on an animation final 😔#so anyway. eased myself back in with a silly comic about portal#my irl saw my shitty sketch and thought glados was painting chell which is very funny to me.#chelldos#but like. unrequited. glados is obsessed with chell. chell is not having a good time#portal#chell#GlaDOS#GlaD0S#my art#og post#1k#5k#10k#20k#edit: i made this post almost a year ago and it haunts me. theres a typo. chell is out of character.#because i couldn't come up with a good reason for her to be there in the first place#and this was a shitty ms paint replicating drawing that i did just to get back into drawing#i didn't think it would gain much attention#i was Wrong#anyway someone in the comments said this is what happens when you speedrun thats an infintely better setup for the punchline#EDIT 2: ok i fixed it fuck you
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anyone know if we have catgirl tomorrow
#my art#fanart#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#izutsumi#noticing all my mistakes as i post lol.#dunmeshi is the only thing i care enough abt to do fanart for rn but all the artists here are like. renaissance level. wtf.#anyway. izutsumiiii i love u#HUH. mine first art to reach 1k notes. i wish i did better LMAO u are all so niceys 2 me
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iknow my comics are ugly please just hear me out
#So me and my friend were talking about ‘whos the most likely to’ with ratiorine#and she asked ‘whos the most likely to confess first?’#and i said Nobody. Theyre both doomed forever. Unless it happens on accident.#and this is what i imagined#★ my art#art#honkai star rail#should i tag ratio even if hes not here#hsr aventurine#ill tag ratio because his husband is here#hsr dr ratio#hsr topaz#ratiorine#aventio#Someone reblogged my post with the tag golden ratio.#golden ratio hsr????#excuse me???#why are yall making new ship names without me. How DARE you be so creative without me in the room.#GET BACK HERE#i can literally talk about these two for hours im so serious its getting bad like it already was bad but now its worse
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artist cred; wandering_nicky || IG
Distorted visions of my demons My reflection has no meaning
I whisper secrets to my mirror, And in the silence, I see you clearer
Chained to this place, stay here with me A silent plea to set you free
You see my shadow in the hallways I've been lost here in this dark haze
- Secrets // Amira Elfeky
#heard this song & immediately thought of this drawing#10/10 recommend listening to it and thinking about him#the song is so alastor coded#anyway my first post on here yay 🎉#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel#alastor the radio demon#alastor hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin hotel fanart#radio demon#hazbin#alastor art#human alastor#hazbin art
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doodles as i relive my spideyman phase from eighth grade
#first fanart in a while!#i was rewatching the ultimate spiderman cartoon bc it was my entire childhood lol#also this also happened bc i watched deadpool and wolverine and loved it but also came out of it loving spideypool and i feel like ive been#played. somehow#their dynamic is so good and crazy and i started reading the spideypool run and its actually so insane im crying#anyways here i am sorry i forgot about tumblr for a little bit i just forgot to log in ndjfhdjjr#school starts back up again and i am Excited (fear) but hopefully i can still post stuff ehe#have a good day and week! :3#spiderman#peter parker#marvel#ok bye
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So, @wolfythewitch 's gravity fowls au...
#I'm a sucker for animal aus#also yes I gave Stan brass knuckles sue me#sorry for making fanart of your au. it's been occupying my mind since that first post...#this whole post started with 'haha. sixer nuggets' and it escalated from there...#so yes. here are some messy doodles#might make more in the future. who knows#gravity falls#gravity falls au#gravity fowls#animal au#chimken#stanley pines#stan pines#stanford pines#ford pines#mabel pines#dipper pines#mason pines#bill cipher#art#fanart#traditional art#watercolor#you know me. I'll never pass a chance to draw a chicken with teeth#meme redraw#also#screenshot redraw#kinda. that one scene in the final episode where Mabel sprayed his eye#the real chicken scratches was my own handwriting all along
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class swap design masterpost for convenience (from top to bottom: bard!riz, cleric!gorgug, sorcerer!kristen, barbarian!fig, artificer!adaine, and rogue!fabian)
#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhfy#fhsy#fhjy#riz gukgak#gorgug thistlespring#kristen applebees#figueroth faeth#adaine abernant#fabian seacaster#my class swap stuff! oh yeah I think I got a tag for that I'll call that#fh class quangle#gna slowly go back and get that tag on relevant posts too. for organization's sake#even tho I didnt really intend this blog to be that kinda blog lmao. we were all just gonna be out here dealin with that at our own pace#anyways uh! they! u know all the lore for the designs already I put em in tags. but otherwise this also collects like the#color keys kind of for these. mostly the things that change between designs#doing this did make me realise half of these are a Lot more consistent in color keys than the other half lol#like kristen's palette stays pretty much the same. and fabian's. the hit's mostly in the construction#a lot of this is overall like an exercise in remembering what high schoolers would actually wear and how to work in Costume pieces#on this point at least I straight up have No relevant recollection lmao all the basic education establishments I went to have uniforms#and outside of school I was. well kind of a shorts and tee guy. so#on that topic I feel like fabian's is the furthest stretch lmao. like if a guy in high school wears the same bright yellow raincoat#to school every day that's like. people would Not like that guy. fabian really is saved by being cute and a rogue#he will still have stans when he's deep in his fishing arc in junior year he's the manic pixie dream bf#anyways uh. things to do! stuff to get done. sleep first tho. have a good night lads#I have not caught new nsbu yet! seems I mostly catch them like two to three days late nowadays.#so please uhh. don't reply on my posts with nsbu spoilers? we are all excited and having fun but that's rude#ok thank u. signing off for the day have a good night#!!
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Trust me bro he wants you
#its their first date :)#neither of them knows yet#i dislike this one but i had sooo much fun making it so im posting anyway#sometimes i look back on my stuff and im like yeah they would not say that#and then i dont post it bc im picky ab characterisation#i feel like this here lol!#also ive been trying out new pens lmk if this is not working out#zoro#sanji#zosan#one piece#fanart#artists on tumblr#ely's art#sanzo
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onion skin!
fun gif under cut
now you get to pretend that ur flipping through the frames
#mp100#mob psycho 100#shigeo kageyama#kageyama shigeo#officially my 4th drawing of mob holding his hand out in an empty void#this time... he is doing it more than once. daring today arent we#maybe i shouldactually post those drawings now that im thinking about it LMFAO#new and improved art tag#this wasnt gonna be a gif at first so thats why its just. like. a bonus thing#welcoem to my post Here's a giftbag
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alternate apocalypse ending or something who the hcrist knows anymore
#mcu#xmen movies#xmen#xmen apocalypse#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#professor x#magneto#snap sketches#almost posted this to the wrong blog omg i wouldve thrown up#this dumb as hell forgive me chat#unrelated i thought today was sunday but no it's. 4AM saturday THAT MEANS ITS CHERIK POSTING TIME#i thought of binning this like five times but ive convinced myself i like enough of this to keep it#at the very least im making myself chortle at the mini charles in the corner. like yeah that about summarizes it donnit#anyway the reason why we're here. highkey just wanted charles to grab his waist SORRY#and this was the first thing i thought of so. Apocalypse But Erik Directs The Ending jvlkeajl#my god i was gonna say something else but. i forgot#oh wait no i remember hold on. uhhh something something charles shouldve fought harder or whatever erik said in dofp#dofp IS before apocalypse i know this but it applicable. probably. im not gonna think bout it on whats essentially a shitpost#ok im sleeping now bye. ive got more doodles i wanna do but my god im sleepy. or at least i should sleep
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