#this blog is probably going to transition into just a personal art blog now but i am too tired to do that today

[shadedsecrets]

Why Pavel is Important:

AKA Why Cheth and Phaedra need therapy and Phantomarine won’t leave my head--

The sheer importance of Pavel as a character and what he does hit me very hard today and I needed to share.

Cheth the Red Tide King is an ageless being who has been betrayed, mutilated, and discredited for a comparatively short 500 years out of his thousands. Everything he was, everything he had, taken away by someone who was supposed to be his equal and someone who his feelings about seem to be very... complicated. Even then, he didn’t even get to die, just watch as more as more was stripped away so not even the people’s memory of him remained unwrapped. His only company was himself... and a few fleeting moments with people who feared and hated him. If that didn’t fuck him up a bit, nothing could.

If he was to be made the villain until some nebulous future that might not even come, why not lean into it and have at least a shred of vengeance and amusement? The perfect target is right there, after all, a royal line dedicated to the church that sullies his memory with lies is right there. Why *not* torment them when they pass, why not make those ruthless bloodthirsty puppets feel despair? After all, he knows who is calling the shots. He knows she doesn’t care one bit once she can no longer use them...

The Red Tide surrounded and transported at least three sea bite victims to shore that we know of, however. Doubtless there are many more lives he has tried to save from a painful and premature death. But he can only be so many places at once... And it is rather telling that every seabite victim we have seen so far has been a child.

He thought Phaedra no better than a tyrant early in her reign when she came down to his domain. That she could not possibly know the loss that had occurred because of her people’s actions. That none of her line could, because ***she*** was pulling the strings... And of course, she would never trust him, so to get her to do anything, of course he had to lie. She had been manipulated all her life and was clearly none the wiser, even now when contradictions begin arising. And really, he has no patience for it anymore, for stubborn fools who refuse to hear him.... and Cheth is far too out of practice to do anything about this himself.

Phaedra is lugging around centuries of religious propaganda and pressure, as well as being young, inexperienced, and grieving the loss of her father. Her whole life has been surrounded by the church and it’s teachings, of her future responsibilities in relation to them, who her immortal enemy was and who her biggest inspiration should be. She was very literally tailor-raised to hate Cheth. 

His actions don’t help alleviate this either. I doubt he was lying about being able to bring back only one soul, but not being clear about it broke what trust Phaedra was ever willing to put in the god. She was not nearly as hostile towards him until that little snag, and has seemed only to double down on this stance ever since, her color scheme changing from yellows to blues. She will find the most bad-faith read of his words and believe that to be the only correct answer. His penchant to not being completely clear and honest with his intentions also clearly vexes her.

Clearly though, she cares deeply about people. She took up her father’s tradition to ease the grieving. She was willing to do whatever it took to save her friends, and feels incredible guilt for ‘dooming’ them to a these last months of not-quite-life. She wants to help people, really help them... but she can only see ‘help’ in such a narrow worldview and has been taught there are some people you just shouldn’t help.

And then... there’s Pavel. And the very first thing we learn about him is that the boy has more heart than sense. Vanna raised him well, but the kind of deep empathy to care for the very beings that killed his father and basically gave him a terminal disease with heavy stigmas that forced him to leave the life he loved for ***seven years*** takes a little more than teaching.

Pavel has defended almost every single being that has harmed him.

He understood that sea ghosts just couldn’t stop themselves and that they were people once because he trusted his mother and her research. He understood that his friend Eddy was scared and alone and lashing out because of that. He questioned and pushed back against Sofia’s manipulations and the bad faith readings of the Mantaluna crew, but tried to understand that they must be having a pretty hard time. He told the Manta Princess to her face that *Cheth was hurting too* and asked a literal deity to be nicer to the biggest pain in his neck.

This little boy is a critical bridge. He can just *feel* when people are coming from a place of genuine care or hurt and tries to explain that to others who are being overly harsh in his opinion. There is a reason he is neither Cheth’s nor Phaedra’s color scheme. *This tiny boy is the one neutral party that both of these stubborn powerful people will listen to, now.*

Phaedra only turned sour when the talk got a little too close to questioning the very foundation of her beliefs, and she just went cold and tried to make Pavel change the subject. She was so relieved to know she hadn’t hurt him, wanted to do everything she could to make him comfortable and did not even question if they should help him get somewhere safe. And Cheth... Cheth loves children and hates having to welcome a single one into his collection, I think. He tried to mock Phaedra with how many *orphans* her father’s last battle created. He became *angry* and cold at even the implication that he would have lied to Pavel. And Cheth does everything he can to make sure a child survives a sea ghost attack.

Without Pavel... neither of these two have any hope of working through their shit, because neither of them are able to view the other and their reactions clearly. Cheth IS AN ASSHOLE AND VINDICTIVE. Phae IS NAIVE AND OVERZEALOUS. And Pavel is the once person who can read them both as say it like it is. And that is going to make for one hell of a boat ride.

[artificial-transmutations]

Your stories and images are beyond incredible. My favorite blog on tumblr BY FAR. Truly incredible work. I guess it’s kind of selfish, so absolutely so absolutely no worries, at the very least I got to tell you how much I appreciate and love your content. But I’m a short, nerdy, thin, art student in college right now. I’m tired of being in the closet, I’m tired of being a push over, Im tired of being weak and submissive, I’m tired of being a virgin, and I wanna change. Maybe you could help with a story by turning me into one of those jaw dropping beautiful confident men that you make the pictures of, I would very much appreciate it. But no worries if you can’t, I just love your content!

Confidence

Nathaniel sighed quietly, as he came over his hairless stomach. Of course, he had to be quiet! The dorm walls were paper-thin, and he certainly didn't want the guys from the neighboring dorm rooms to hear him. He looked at the website once more, with the story and the hot buff men before he closed the incognito browser tab and proceeded to clean himself up.

When he looked into the bathroom mirror, he sighed again, but this time, it was a sigh of sadness. There really wasn't anything remotely impressive about him. He was thin and weak, and pathetic really. If it wasn't for his lack of boobs and his sorry excuse for a dick, he could very well pass as a woman. In fact, he had been mistakenly called "Madame" more than once, and one time, he had even been asked "how his transition was going".

No, Nathan was a cis man, just not a very impressive one. He was gay, of course, and loved to look at 'real' men while jerking his small cock. Most of the time, he fantasized about some hairy brute rough-handling him, pushing his face against the bed and fucking his tiny ass into submission. However, even though the thought was exciting to Nathan, he even more wished to *be* such a man. The rational part of Nathan knew that both fantasies would not happen anytime, though. It was physically impossible to just *become* a 'real man', and it was impossible for Nathan to even admit to anyone that he was gay. So, he would probably just stay a closeted virgin forever - doomed to masturbate to some kinky stories he was so embarrassed about that he only dared to look at them from an incognito browser tab.

He sighed a third time when he crawled into bed. Perhaps someday he would accept his fate.

Nathan was already almost asleep when he heard the firework starting outside. Right. It was New Year’s Eve. What a way to start the new year.

The next morning, Nathan was feeling a bit better. Of course, his deep-rooted unhappiness still lingered within him, but Nathan decided to try and enjoy the day. He liked new year’s days. Everyone usually was at home after having celebrated the whole night which meant that the world outside was very quiet. Not much happened on New Year’s Day.

Nathan decided to go to a nearby cafe. There, with a steaming mug of hot chocolate next to him, he got out his drawing utensils and looked around the place. There weren't too many people. An older couple sat together, the man reading a book, and the woman reading a magazine, while an elderly lady sat at the counter. She was probably the owner. However, there was one more guy, a young adult like Nathan, who sat on a nearby table all by himself and was playing on his phone. He had his chair tilted back a bit, stabilizing himself against the wall and rocking a bit. He had earphones in his ear, so he was probably listening to music while doing so.

Nathan's first instinct was to draw the old couple, but then he looked at the other young man again. He looked a bit like one of those men from the internet, the kind that Nathan would fantasize about. Just a bit. The other man wasn't burly and muscular and assertive, but instead he had a lean, fit build. Nathan was a bad judge of character, especially without having spoken to the person in question, but the young man didn't look particularly assertive or dominant either. So, all in all, not too much like the men Nathan longed for on the internet. But still, he had a certain charm to him. Nathan liked the fit, lean body and the aura of positivity the man seemed to exude and wanted to capture that on paper.

Nathan began sketching the man, while occasionally looking up, making sure the man wouldn't notice. However, it was hard to keep his eyes off the guy. Every now and then, he would laugh a bit or make a funny face when watching something on his phone, which Nathan couldn't help but find very attractive.

He was just working on drawing the man's hands, when Nathan suddenly heard someone address him.

"Hey, what are you drawing?" The voice didn't sound rude or unfriendly, but plainly interested. Still, Nathan flinched visibly. The attractive man on the other table had removed one earplug and turned towards Nathan.

"Uh, sorry?" stuttered Nathan, not quite sure how to react. The guy pointed at Nathan's drawing pad and smiled: "You're an artist?"

Nathan could feel the blood rushing to his face. The drawing pad was tilted towards Nathan, so his unvoluntary model could not have seen what exactly Nathan was drawing. He could - no, he should - just lie and tell him he was sketching something in the room. But he just couldn't think of anything and the time for a good answer was running out. Almost involuntarily, Nathan stuttered, with his head red like a tomato: "Uhm, yeah, kind of. I was sketching you, actually."

The guy laughed a short and friendly laugh: "Really? Cool! Can I see it?"

Nathan could feel his heartbeat quicken, and his face got even redder. This was so embarrassing! But he couldn't very well refuse now, could he? So, he placed the pad flat on the table, just as the guy came over and sat himself down on Nathan's table.

"Oh wow!", he sounded impressed. "You're really talented! It's like looking into a mirror."

"Thanks" - Nathan hated getting compliments. Not only didn't he know how to react to them, but he also found them mostly fake. He was an art student, but he wasn't that good really, at least in his own opinion. In the dictionary, there was probably a picture of Nathan right next to the entry for "Imposter Syndrome".

"But why are you drawing me?" Although Nathan had feared that this question might come up, he didn't have a good lie to answer it. It was almost as if his mouth was acting on its own, when Nathan heard himself stammer: "Uh, eh, it's because I... I find you quite handsome actually. Good-looking I mean."

Nathan wished for nothing more than to be swallowed by the earth here and now. But to his big surprise, the guy just laughed again and said: "You think so? Thanks! The name's Oliver by the way." Oliver had, apparently, much less of a problem taking a compliment.

"Nathan." said Nathan and started to relax a tiny bit. However, the situation suddenly got even worse, when Oliver continued, in the same light-hearted voice. "Nice to meet you, Nathan! Are you into guys?"

Nathan froze solid. He hadn't expected that. And even worse, the answer was, of course, yes. But there was no way he could say that, was there? So, instead, he just stared at Oliver with his eyes wide open and a deer-in-headlights look.

"I mean, I'm gay - are you as well?" Oliver explained. "With the whole drawing dudes and all."

Nathan's brain had stopped working properly, so he couldn't help but nod and mumble a faint "yes".

Oliver's smile broadened and he said: "Really? Cool!"

Nathan's mind was racing. He had just admitted his homosexuality. To a complete stranger. Out of the blue. He didn't plan to come out that way, it just... happened.

A moment of awkward silence radiated from Nathan, but, thankfully, Oliver salvaged the situation pretty elegantly.

"Listen Nathan, I'll have to run now. But are you free tomorrow around 2? We could grab a coffee and you could show me some of your drawings if you like."

A spark of bravery, completely foreign to him, awakened in Nathan and he answered: "Y-yes. I think I would like that."

Oliver smiled another of his broad smiles. "Awesome! Let's meet here then tomorrow!"

With that, Oliver nodded at Nathan and left the cafe, putting in his headphone again while humming happily.

Did that really just happen? Nathan looked from the unfinished drawing towards the cafe door. Did he really just... got invited to a date? With a handsome guy named Oliver? Nathan wasn't sure whether to be happy or not. On the one hand, it was a miracle, a once in a lifetime opportunity. A cute and hot guy was actually interested in him! But on the other hand, there was no way he could make a good impression. How desperate had that Oliver guy to be to actually ask *him* out?

A small voice in his head insisted that he could just not show up tomorrow and avoid the whole disappointment. But the spark of bravery was still there, and Nathan fought down the feeling. No, he was going to show. If it turned out to be a disaster, he could still flee the scene - it wasn't like Oliver knew literally anything about him.

Nathan quickly packed his things and returned to his dorm room. Once he arrived, he noticed that he was completely covered in sweat of fear. His shirt showed wet spots under his arms and felt cold to the touch. Disgusted, Nathan immediately went for a shower. Only there, standing under the hot steamy water, Nathan could appreciate what happened. He got *asked out*. On a *date*. With a *guy*. Yesterday he had been certain he would die alone and lonely but then, today, he got *asked out*. Was this really a thing? Did it really happen?

He wasn't sure. He had a hard time believing it. Perhaps the whole thing was just a weird dream? A figment of his imagination. But no. The half-finished drawing was proof enough that Oliver really existed.

When Nathan exited the shower cabin, the whole bathroom was covered in steam, blinding the mirrors. Perhaps this - or the spinning of his thoughts - was the reason that he didn't notice that his hair had changed. Instead of his usual medium length brown-ish hair, he now sported a much shorter hairstyle - in a much darker color, almost black. Be it as it may - Nathan had other things on mind than checking his hair. He spent the whole afternoon and even the evening researching on how to make a good impression on a first date.

The next morning, Nathan slept in, which was pretty unusual for him. His whole frame felt weird, when he crawled out of bed. It wasn't too late, either - he had a comfortable 3 hours until the date. When he passed the bathroom mirror on his morning routine, however, he stopped for a moment. Something was... off about his face. His hair. It looked kind of... different?

Nathan stared at his reflection for a few seconds, straining his mind. Somehow, the shape of his jawbone seemed unfamiliar. And was his hair always that dark, almost black?

Finally, he shook his head. No, he was just seeing things. Of course, that was as it always had been. After having finished his bathroom business, Nathan went for a shower and prepared himself.

An hour later, he stood in front of the mirror, trying out a bunch of outfits and felt slight panic rising inside of him. None of his clothes fit very well, it was like he was cursed! It wasn't that his shirts and pants were much too big or much too small, but for some reason none of his clothes really felt comfortable. Both his favorite shirt and his usual jeans felt somewhat constricting today. Finally, Nathan just put on an outfit, and left his room.

When he entered the cafe, Oliver was already sitting there, two coffee mugs in front of him. He smiled, waved and gestured for Nathan to join him.

"Hello, Nathan!"

"H-hi." said Nathan, his nervousness returning.

"Here, I bought you a coffee!" Oliver pushed one of the mugs over the table.

"Thanks." Nathan was somewhat distracted by the ill-fitting clothes, and he could pretty much feel the nervous sweat practically pouring out of his pores.

"No problem!", said Oliver. "I was early, anyway. How are you doing today?"

"Fine." said Nathan and took a sip of his coffee, trying to hide his nervousness. He vividly remembered all the good advice he had read yesterday, but all that felt just impossible to him.

"So, you're an artist? What do you do?" Oliver asked with genuine interest.

"Well, I study art, I guess. I want to be a concept artist, you know, for games or movies or so. But, eh, right now, I'm just a student, and I'm not really that good."

"That's not how I remember it!" smiled Oliver. "Can you show me more of your work?"

Nathan nodded as he got out his sketchbook. Talking about his art was something he was comfortable with and allowed him to warm up somewhat over the course of the conversation. Oliver appeared to be quite a nice guy and had a lot of questions about drawing, so, Nathan, in turn, started to relax and talk more freely. He found out that Oliver was a veterinary technician and had a part time job at a dog shelter. That, combined with the fact that he was, in general, a really nice and positive guy, made him incredibly appealing to Nathan.

After the two had talked for a while, Oliver suddenly remarked: "You know, I really like your stubble! It really suits you!"

Stubble? What was he talking about? Nathan rarely needed to shave, but he had done so this morning, so, it was absolutely impossible that he should have visible facial hair. And yet, as he felt his chin, his fingers met with bristly short hair, so dense and long that there was no way he could have missed it this morning. Nathan found it strange, to say the least, but didn't want to make a scene in this situation. His spark of courage was a small candle flame now, as he just smiled while he felt his chin and said "Thank you!"

The two continued to chat a bit. While doing so, Nathan tried not to think too much about the fact that his clothes were, somehow, tighter than before.

Finally, Oliver's phone buzzed, and he looked at the screen.

"Damn, it's that late already?"

"What is it?", asked Nathan.

"Oh, the dog shelter. I have a shift soon, I need to go!"

Nathan sighed inwardly. He was really enjoying the date and didn't want it to end. He was pulled out of his thoughts by the feeling of Olivers hand on his. It felt... good. Good and strange, like the texture of his own hand was somewhat wrong, somewhat rougher than before. When he looked up into Oliver's eyes, he found the other man smiling.

"I really enjoyed this. You are a wonderful person, Nathan. We should do this again."

Nathan nodded. He didn't trust his voice right now.

"How about... tomorrow?", Oliver continued. "There's an art exhibition in town, perhaps you would like to go there with me?"

Nathan's heart jumped a beat. He didn't have time or courage yet to go to the exhibition and the prospect of seeing Oliver again so soon was wonderful.

"I would very much like that", Nathan replied and smiled.

"Great! Let's meet there, say at 5?"

"Sure!"

Oliver smiled his beautiful, broad smile, and stood up, leaving some money for the coffees on the table. Nathan too got up, but before he could leave, Oliver stopped him with a warm expression in his eyes. "You know, I really think I like you a lot." He said, and his hand touched Nathan's somewhat bristly cheek. Almost automatically, both of their faces drew closer to each other, until their lips met with the slightest touch. It was a chaste, short kiss, but Nathan could feel Oliver's lips smile when they broke apart.

"See you tomorrow!", said Oliver and left the cafe.

Nathan's knees felt weak, and his heart was beating rapidly. There were a thousand feeling, all happening inside him at once and Nathan needed a moment to sort through them before he was able to move again. There was a part of him that couldn't quite believe what just happened, but the biggest part was just euphoric. He basically jogged back to his home, full of a never experienced energy.

When he arrived in his room, his body was feeling even weirder than before. All of his clothes were way too tight. It was not just that he felt constricted, no, the clothes actually were much too small. He quickly got rid of them, noticing that, again, he had sweated like a pig. As Nathan glanced down on himself, he could almost see that his body was somehow different. Fitter, healthier. It was probably just his imagination, though, caused by his ecstatic mood. He briefly considered taking another shower but postponed it to tomorrow. There would be plenty of time and Nathan felt really glad and tired for today.

Nathan woke up from two different feelings the next morning. First, he felt itchy and sweaty all over his body and was subconsciously scratching himself in his sleep. Second, and perhaps even more importantly, Nathan was experiencing a severe case of morning wood. His manhood was rigid and pulsating under his sheets and was begging for attention. Nathan had a hard time remembering when he last experienced such an urgent urge to jerk off. He wasn't sure, but the memories of their kissing yesterday came to his mind as soon as he woke up, so, he couldn't resist closing his hand around his hard cock and started pumping. His hand felt rough and big, and Nathan couldn't be sure, but both length and girth of his tool seemed increased, too. However, Nathan could hardly concentrate on that due to the waves of pleasure washing over him.

It didn't take very long for Nathan to shoot a big load onto his stomach, with a moan. It was a big and sticky load, too, mixing with the little dark hairs on his stomach and chest. Nathan blinked in post-nut clarity. Hairs? He didn't have body hair.

Nathan got up quickly and went to the bathroom. Something about his perspective was off, too. It was like the ceiling was closer than it was supposed to be, and the ground further away. Once Nathan had used some toilet paper to wipe away most of the cum, he took a look at himself in the mirror. There was no denying that he looked different. He was definitely somewhat taller and broader than before. He didn't have a scale, but he was sure that he had gained quite some weight as well - not only due to the increased height and broader shoulders but also because his previous stickman-like appearance had been altered quite somewhat. All over his frame, a lean definition was visible, hinting at muscles even. His chin was covered in visible stubble and there was a bit of body hair visible, mainly on his chest and stomach as well as peeking out under his armpit.

Speaking of which, as Nathan raised his arm to look at his pits, a certain smell reached his nose. A musky, manly, slightly sweaty odor that wasn't quite unpleasant but was certainly unfamiliar.

Nathan had a hard time wrapping his mind around what he was seeing. There was no denying he looked *good*. He just didn't look exactly like *himself*. And for some reason, this didn't bother Nathan quite as much as it probably should. He should be panicking or calling a doctor. People didn't just grow taller overnight or put on definition without working out. And yet, Nathan only felt a slight bit of curiosity and a weak impulse that he probably *should* work out then.

Nathan shook his head and went back to his bedroom. He didn't bother putting on clothing and tried to pass the time until afternoon. The only thing that he *really* regretted about his sudden changes was that his favorite shirt and jeans would definitely not fit anymore.

He ended up watching a bit of TV and browsing the internet, before he decided it was time to prepare himself. Finding clothes that would fit now proved to be quite a challenge, but in the end, he settled on a plain t-shirt and some cargo pants. He had bought both of them a number too big by mistake, which came in quite handy now.

Walking through the city was a strange experience. He felt good about himself and held his head high. Combined with the fact that Nathan's head was, indeed, higher than before, it was like seeing the city in a whole new perspective. Less looking at the ground and more looking straight ahead.

His new posture seemed to have another effect, too. Where before he had to avoid people, trying not to get in their way, now they seemed to be stepping aside for him, which was a foreign but not unpleasant experience.

Finally, he arrived at the exhibition and found Oliver already waiting for him. They greeted with a hug and a short kiss, both fully reciprocated by Nathan, and went inside. Although Oliver seemed to notice something was off about Nathan, he didn't mention it and apparently forgot about it quickly.

Today, Nathan found it much easier to talk to Oliver and brought up topics by himself.

The exhibition however was kind of a let-down for Nathan. Although he could judge on a rational level that the art presented here was really well-done and interesting, on a purely emotional level, Nathan found it mind-numbingly boring. The conversation steered away from the art quickly, and more towards personal matters, which was a relief. So, even though they didn't care much about the paintings around them, the two of them ended up wandering around the exhibition for hours, talking and having a good time.

During the date, however, Nathan was quickly experiencing an unfamiliar feeling. The company of Oliver was... exciting. Exciting on a sexual, primal level. Nathan's larger manhood grew semi-hard in his underwear quickly, so Nathan had to readjust himself more than once. At first, he was very self-conscious about it and tried to be as subtle as possible. However, with every push his cock needed in order not to be too obvious, Nathan actually cared less about who saw him readjust himself. He was a guy after all, and all big-dicked men had that particular problem from time to time.

Besides forming a bulge in his groin, however, his constantly semi-hard cock did one more thing: Nathan was leaking precum in his underwear. First, it was just a drop or two on an involuntary throb, but it quickly became more. His underwear was feeling damp before long, and a faint note of sexuality mixed into his still present smell.

After a while, Oliver even commented on it, in his usual upbeat way: "Hey, Nathan, I have to say, you smell pretty good. Are you using cologne?"

Nathan hadn't noticed his own smell too much. His first impulse was to apologize, but the burning campfire of courage inside of him quickly told him otherwise. Oliver didn't complain. In fact, he liked it.

So, Nathan answered with a grin: "Nope. That's just how I smell."

Oliver took another whiff of the mixture of sweat, dried cum and precum and smiled. "Well, I like it!"

Nathan wasn't quite sure how to react, and just said: "Thanks!"

The exhibition was closing down soon, and Nathan offered Oliver to accompany him to the train station, which he gladly accepted. When they parted, they kissed again. This time, it wasn't a small, timid kiss like before, but a long, sexual one that made Nathan's dick twitch like mad in the confines of his pants. Since their bodies were pressed closely together, Nathan could be sure that Oliver felt the movement against his own groin.

Only after they broke the kiss, Nathan noticed that he was now looking down on Oliver slightly. He could have sworn that Oliver had been slightly taller than him yesterday.

There was no telling on how the evening would have continued hadn't it been for Oliver's train to arrive just then. Before Oliver could board the train, however, Nathan grinned at him and said: "Dinner tomorrow? The Italian place downtown, at 6?"

"I would love that!"

They kissed again and Nathan watched as the train pulled out. Then, he went back to his dorm, whistling a happy tune. It didn't even occur to him that he had taken the initiative in asking Oliver out for a third date. The fire of confidence was burning bright inside of him.

When he came home, Nathan immediately stripped out of his clothes. Even the larger shirt had become somewhat tight. He took a short look at it. There was a wet patch under both arms from his constant sweating, and the t-shirt had adapted his smell. There was something else in the smell, though. At the chest region, there was a medium sized stain, machine oil from the smell of it. Nathan wondered briefly how he could have missed it this morning but then diverted his attention to more pressing matters. His cock was fully hard and was poking out from the waistband of his briefs. Nathan hadn't had an erection like that since puberty and, if he was honest with himself, the feeling was rather nice. Without hesitation, he closed his hand around his hard meat and gave it a few experimental pumps. A low growl escaped his mouth, and a shiver went through his body. He didn't want to go slow, he wanted to fuck. His mind was focused on the task at hand. He didn't even bother to close his curtains, as he went for it. Nathan was jacking himself off, fast and hard, growling and groaning, until he finally exploded all over his chest and face, shooting multiple loads of thick white cum everywhere.

As Nathan was catching his breath, the smell of cum was heavy in the room. God, he needed that. Ever since he met Oliver today. He wiped his face and chest with his discarded t-shirt and briefly considered if he wanted to take a shower. The smell emanating from him was rather strong now, but still, he didn't want to. Oliver seemed to like his body odor, and, if Nathan was being honest, he did so himself, too.

Nathan was woken by his alarm the next morning. As his mind came to focus, his hand reached for the smartphone automatically and dismissed the alarm. He yawned and stretched. He was really looking forward to today. Given, it was the last day before classes started again, but he was going to a third date with Oliver this evening!

When Nathan crawled out of bed and went for his bathroom, however, his body felt weird again. The muscles had become more defined over the course of the last two days and now, the whole body structure felt *strong*. The few hairs from before had become a small forest of body hair and the stubble had grown thicker. He still didn't feel the need for a shave, though.

Nathan wasn't quite sure about the whole situation. Of course, he was enjoying the change. On the other hand, ... No, fuck the other hand. This was great, plain and simple. He finished his morning business standing up while peeing, which he usually never did. But right now, it just felt *right*.

After that, he inspected his wardrobe. He had half-feared that he would need to go and buy new clothes, but apparently, overnight his wardrobe had changed as well. It was filled with sturdy cargos or work pants as well as simple shirts and the occasional overall. Good!

His underwear choice had also changed. Instead of briefs or boxers, the drawer was now filled with jockstraps. That made sense, of course - only a jockstrap would set his large dick in the right scene.

None of the clothes qualified as "clean". Sure, they had been washed before they went into the wardrobe, but permanent grease or oil stains had permeated the fabric just as Nathan's manly stink - both marks no washing machine could ever erase entirely.

Nathan grabbed one of the pants and smelled it. He couldn't help but smile. This was his smell. This was *his* smell. His manly, sweaty, dirty, horny smell. He even felt his ever-present dick twitch a bit at the smell. Nathan wasn't sure if he would ever get used to this new reality. Or if this even was the final reality.

The hours passed quickly. Nathan was keeping himself busy, playing games or listened to music. Not once did it occur to him to draw something or even look at his art. This new him wasn't particularly creative, it seemed.

Nathan's mind wandered back to the date this evening. He couldn't wait to see Oliver again. In fact, he couldn't wait for more than that. It was a third date and Nathan wanted to go all the way with Oliver. He wanted to take his ass and fuck it into oblivion.

At around 5 pm, Nathan stood in front of the Italian place, waiting for Oliver. When Oliver finally arrived, the two men greeted each other with a passionate kiss. Nathan could tell that the kiss was having an effect on Oliver, as his breathing was quicker than usual.

They went inside and sat down on a table. Almost automatically, Nathan's legs spread wide, taking up space, establishing presence and, most importantly, giving his equipment the necessary space. The *old* Nathan would have sat with his legs closed or even crossed, in order to not draw any attention to himself. However, the new Nathan didn't want to draw *less* attention.

The two chatted a bit, with the main topic of the conversation being the menu, before ordering. When he spoke, Nathan noted that his voice had dropped an octave, making his voice gravely and his laugh a low rumble. When Oliver had chosen, Nathan summoned the waiter and ordered for the both of them, his lower voice full of confidence. For Nathan, it was a large meat pizza and a beer.

"You know, I have never seen you drink before", remarked Oliver.

"I don't usually", replied Nathan. "But I thought I'd have a beer today."

"You're not driving, are you?"

"Na, I'm here on foot."

Oliver smiled his usual smile. "I'm here by car, so if you like, I can give you a ride home afterwards."

There seemed to be some subtext to this offer, but it went over Nathan's head. Not that it was necessary, because he had the exact same plans, anyway.

"Sounds great!"

A couple of minutes later, their pizzas arrived, and the two dug in.

"I really like your style, Nathan." said Oliver after a while.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, the way you dress. The way you talk. The way you act."

"Oh. Thanks."

Nathan thought for a moment before he added: "You know, I go by Nate these days."

"Nate, eh?", smiled Oliver.

"Yeah. Fits better, you know."

"I guess so. I like it a lot!"

"I like your style, too."

"What do you mean by that?", Oliver laughed.

"Just, the way you talk, the way you walk. Everything. You're cute, you know."

"Why, thank you!"

The conversation was definitely a lot more flirtatious than yesterday. When they had finished their meals, they didn't linger much longer in the restaurant but got into Oliver's car.

Nate proceeded to give Oliver directions to his home. However, at a certain crossing, he had to stop and think for a moment. He knew for a fact that his dorm was to the left. But he also knew for a fact that his *home* was to the right. Nate decided not to overthink it and directed Oliver to the right with a firm voice.

They didn't get very far from that point, when suddenly, the car stopped with a jerk.

"Damn, sorry!" said Oliver. "The engine is acting up again. It's probably too cold or something like that. I'll just try to start it up again."

When after the third try, the engine didn't start again, Nate laid a hand on Oliver's. "Let me try." he said with a confident voice and left the car. When he opened the hood, the problem became clear to him right away.

"The carburetor is a bit clogged, I'll unclog it real quick and we're ready to go."

While Oliver was staring at Nate in surprise, as the latter quickly and with trained skill removed a few parts and then, with a flex of his mighty arms, applied percussive maintenance to the part in question. After Nate had reassembled the engine, he cleaned his hands on his pants and got into the car again, filling out the passenger seat with his presence.

"It should work again for now, but I'll have to clean it thoroughly tomorrow. The thing is just old and worn down, it needs replacing soon. Just try starting the engine."

Oliver was still staring at Nate with a disbelieving look on his face. Finally, however, he tried starting the engine again, and the car did indeed start running smoothly.

"Wow, Nate, that was amazing! Where did you learn that?"

"What do you mean", grinned Nate. "That's what I do!"

Oliver stared at him for a moment. "Wait, you're a mechanic?"

"Yeah, sure, didn't I tell you when we met?"

Oliver seemed to think about it but then slowly nodded: "Yes, I... think so. Weird. I could have sworn..."

Nate shrugged and pointed down the road: "Shall we go?"

They arrived at Nate's place shortly after. He had a cheap apartment directly over the car garage where he worked. Nate did try to clean up a bit the afternoon, but the place still screamed "Manly bachelor" all over the place with the occasional beer can or jockstrap scattered around.

Neither of them had time to care, though. As soon as the door closed, the two kissed. It wasn't just a chaste, romantic kiss. This was a heated, passionate kiss, full of desire and lust. Nate took Oliver's body and pushed him against the wall, grinding their bodies together. Both were hard and their breathing was rapid. Nate's hands wandered up and down Oliver's body, squeezing and grabbing his body. His fingers were strong and forceful, and he squeezed the smaller man's buttocks and his dick with the same intensity. Oliver responded by moaning and pushing his groin against Nate's, humping him.

Suddenly, Nate broke the kiss. "Oliver, I... I want you. I want to fuck you."

Oliver didn't answer, but kissed Nate again, harder this time. Nate's tongue invaded his mouth, and the bigger man's hands were ripping Oliver's shirt and pants off him. Once Oliver's dick was free, it was enveloped by Nate's big calloused hand, and Oliver's breath hitched in his throat.

"Oh god, Nate, yes!" he moaned.

Nate had enough of foreplay, and he wanted to fuck, now. Without wasting any time, he quickly pushed his pants down and pressed his dick against Oliver's. It was massive, even compared to Oliver's not insignificant size. While Nate's balls were big and heavy, his cock was thick, long, and veiny, with a fat mushroom head. It was also rock hard, and the head was already drooling precum.

With one hand, Nate stroked the two cocks together, rubbing them and smearing the precum all over his dick and Oliver's. With the other hand, he pulled Oliver close and kissed him again, a long, sensual, passionate kiss, which made Oliver moan into his mouth.

The two stood like that for a while, but finally, Nate's need to fuck was stronger than anything else.

"Bedroom. Now!" he growled and dragged the smaller man with him. Once there, Nate simply tossed him onto the bed and followed quickly, his cock pointing up. He positioned himself on top of the other man and kissed him again, their tongues dancing in their mouths.

When the kiss broke, Oliver was panting.

"You really are a big boy, huh?"

"Damn right I am."

"Oh god, I need your big dick inside of me!"

"Yeah? You want me to fuck you?"

"Please! I've wanted to feel your huge meat in me for days."

"Fuck yeah. You're gonna get it."

Nate reached under his bed and produced a bottle of lube, which he applied liberally to his dick.

"You're ready?"

"Do it, big guy."

Nate placed the head of his massive cock against the tight pucker and started to push. Slowly but steadily, his dick invaded Oliver's ass.

"Oooooooooh god, Nate, yesssssss!" moaned Oliver.

The pressure around Nate's dick was unbelievable. Oliver was clearly tight, and the way his asshole was massaging his dick felt heavenly.

Finally, Nate's dick was balls-deep inside Oliver. Both were breathing heavily, and Oliver was moaning incoherently. Nate gave him a moment to adjust and then started moving his hips, first slowly, but increasing his pace quickly. Soon, he was slamming into Oliver's ass as hard as he could, pulling almost completely out and then thrusting back inside the smaller man.

"Fuck yeah! You like that? You like my huge dick pounding your tight little ass?"

"God, yes, Nate, fuck me, fuck meeee!"

Nate was groaning and growling, a sound that came deep from his chest and made Oliver moan even louder.

"Oh shit, Nate, I'm so close! Don't stop, please don't stop, don't st- ooooooooh gooooooood!"

Nate felt Oliver's muscles clamp down on his dick, and that sent him over the edge. He buried his dick as deep as he could and shot a big load of cum deep into Oliver's guts.

The two of them collapsed on each other, spent but happy.

A lot had changed for Nathan in this new year. He had gotten a new body, a new job, a new identity even. But most importantly, he had found love. Nate the manly mechanic sighed. If he were to describe his feelings, looking into the future, there was only one fitting word: Confidence.

I actually generated a ton (okay, 50) of images for this story. If you want to check out the alternate versions of the different stages of Nathan/Nate, check out my tip jar, where I posted them!

[pinkacademiaprincess]

Hii sweetyy I luv your blog sm it's really useful , can I ask for new school advice?

New School Survival Guide🎒📚🎀✏️

ty for the ask & the sweet compliment! i'm glad to be helpful 💓 starting at a new school always makes me so excited & nervous at the same time 🫣

starting a new school can be scary, and rightfully so - it's a big shift to your life & your routine. but i've always loved the new opportunities that come along with it! here are some ways to turn nervousness into excitement & make the most of it

create a fresh start

this advice is super common but for a good reason. starting at a new school is the perfect time to debut a "new" self. ofc you don't need to change your entire personality, style, etc. but sometimes after years of the same school, friends, & routine, you find yourself holding onto certain things for better or for worse.

so maybe you grew out of your sense of style and wanna try a new look - you can invest in a few pieces of clothes/ accessories and begin experimenting. maybe you have some toxic friends that you don't wanna keep in your life - time to slowly stop keeping in touch. maybe you've created a habit of not taking class seriously, never talking to teachers, & slacking off - now you can start doing the opposite.

the key here is that you're "creating" your fresh start. technically, you can make those changes anytime, but being in the same situation & surrounded by the same people can be paralyzing. now you're going into a new environment with new people who have no impression or preconceived notions of you. take this opportunity to decide the kind of person you want to be, implement those habits & traits, and show up to your new school as that person!

find a community

probably the scariest part of a new school is finding friends. if you're lucky you might have friends who are also going to be there with you. if not, starting from scratch is scary but doable. it's also really important - humans are social creatures & having people you can rely on & turn to is so necessary!

one way to make friends is by striking up conversations with classmates. this is very accessible since your classes will be full of people you can talk to and see every day.

another way is to find organizations you can join. find out if your school has clubs, volunteer groups, and other organizations for students. pick a few that really sound interesting to you, based on your hobbies or interests. this is a great way to meet people with a common interest, which is grounds for possibly making great friends!

also pick your electives based on things that interest you. if you're taking an art class, sport, or specific subject that you really enjoy, you can find others with the same interests and also potentially make friends similar to you!

be proactive about your studies

from the start, be really diligent about how your new school is structured. every school (and honestly every class & teacher) will be very different in terms of teaching style, speed, and approach to class concepts. figure out as soon as you can how things work so you can adjust appropriately & stay on top of classes. this is especially important if you're transitioning into high school, college, etc.

that's all my advice for starting at a new school! you can look at my old posts for some more school-related advice, which isn't necessarily just for starting at a new school, but can still apply. i wish you all the luck, and i can't wait for you to absolutely thrive at your new school! 🥰

[unorcadox]

UNORCADOX

howdy, i'm mabel! it's the 3 year anniversary of unorcadox today, so i've prepared a decent bit of surprises. (and yes that means i started this blog in 2020, which is terrifying to think about.) i'll go into those new things under the cut, but first... check out the carrd linked in the header text of this post :3c

sooo soo so so so where on earth do i begin. uhh honestly let me just break down the new stuff first since i can talk about that more easily.

THE NEW LOOK! ok so like truth be told, i've been a faceless blog on purpose up until now. it wasn't until this summer where i actually liked how i looked or had any solid sense of my own aesthetic or what i wanted to look like. it also made it easier to protect against dysphoria and transphobes in the same breath, as no one could ever comment on any aspect of my appearance, or even the mere suggestion i even had one to begin with! but that all changes now, i'm going to actually have a presence on this blog, as it is MY blog and tbh i'm tired of being so faceless on here. that's why i've been doing more asks and non-edit posts recently, and those will increase in frequency. check out the carrd for more info, my sona's ref, and art credits for assets on here <3

mondays -> MUSIC MONDAYS! so it might come as a shock i'm actually a musician in addition to making stuff on here! i've promoted my music a couple of times by now, but nothing all that substantial. sooo, considering that, i'm going to be replacing monday oc posts with a music post! just a link to a song on my bandcamp and a little description about it. i don't really care if these perform particularly well, but i want to give people a chance to actually hear it without having to deep dive through my entire internet history to get it. i also will be releasing more soon-- whether via compilations of older work or new stuff altogether :3

MORE IN THE FUTURE! i have a couple other ideas up my sleeve, we'll see how they pan out but i wanna keep trying new possibilities on here. i think at this point i've proven my consistency, and it's about time i let myself have a little fun and explore my options. these will be announced individually but probably added here over time as this is the new pinned post lol.

----- ----- -----

ok so anyways, i do wanna have the mandatory sappy segment because of course i do. i want to say a couple of things but i'll split them into bullet points again bc yeah i do that.

this year has been really good for me and the blog, in most ways it's been the straight up best year of my life uncontested. not everything has gone perfectly, i had other plans that fell through, but hey that's just how life goes huh. at one point, i was easily projected to hit 20k by the end of the year, and now i'll be happy if i hit 17k lol. tumblr has not been that kind to my blog's growth this year and it's making me consider other options in the future, but everything's so scary rn i don't wanna commit to anything.

as for the blog itself, i've kinda been in a weird spot with it for a while. i've been scraping by on here intermittently for the entire year on and off, and i might have some ways to help keep me on top of the ball during the next year, but i also do wonder how long i can really keep doing this, and how long people will still like weirdcore and my work in particular. i've been considering branching out in terms of my presentation, or format, or style, but i feel incredibly weird about doing so.

in my personal life, this is the year i finally started transitioning and seeking treatment for my most pressing issues. i've finally started dating the love of my life, my best friend of 10 years, and despite some interpersonal turmoil all around me, i think i'm finally finding safe ground and knowing what i wanna do next. i don't really talk about it on here because i'm very private about it, but i've been kinda slowly becoming like a Real Adult Person this year. i didn't really have much of a chance to prior and i still am struggling a lot, but hey i know what i want now!

it's really silly to say but this blog still means a lot to me! it's seen me through the craziest times in my entire life, it's brought me so much perspective and knowledge and opportunities i wouldn't've had otherwise. i wake up every day and go on here and never stop feeling starstruck that people chose to follow me. i know tumblr success means nothing but to me it's the only community i've ever actually belonged to, so thank you all.

ok so like i really just don't have much else to say anymore, so i think i'll end it there! thank you all again, i can't wait for year 4 as it's going to definitely be a crazy one lol. let's hope it's a good one too!

[marblecakemix]

Welcome to my humble domain!! 🫧✨

Hi, you can call me Marble (this is my internet nickname), a lesbian in her early 20s from Poland. Just vibing here on Tumblr from time to time. If you want to look into my post/reblogs read my takes on #talk tag.

*I'm an adult and I post things for adults. I don't have time to block minors, feel warned!

You can ask me anything you want. I won't shy away, but remember that I'm not your therapist and all my opinions are biased forward women!

I also created a Harry Potter au blog, where I post art of myself and my close friends. Get me a follow there if you're interested to see my self insert au xd

More information about me under the cut! 💕

If the part has * in front of it that means I changed something in the text and/or my views are different than before.

I desisted in the middle of 2023. I used to be a non-binary/agender and asexual individual for around 3 to 4 years, but I understood all of that was because of internalized misogyny and homophobia and I actually wanted to have my boobs intact and I did like being a woman before I was introduced to the trans community. (For clarification, I didn't take hrt or have any surgeries done. I've only transitioned socially, thank goodness.)

I'm an ex-Christian, now I probably would call myself a spiritual person, researching my Slavic roots at the moment. I have a complicated relationship with faith, so nothing in this department is set in stone.

I believe in critical thinking and triple-checking facts. Everyone can have their opinions, but actions should have a base in grounded reality and unbiased scientific research. Read those books ladies!

I'm mostly talking about my experience as an ex-TRA, a lesbian, a woman, someone who lives in a misogynistic/conservative family and a country that has yet to legalize same-sex marriage, but you can safely transition here even as a minor.

*I'm a trans identified men hater. I don't care. Fuck all men, I don't care anymore. Gender dysphoria or perversion (autogynephilia) in males should have never been "solved" with a surgery and/or irreversible drugs/HRT. No other mental illness has permanent body modification as its treatment, same should be for gender dysphoria. The trans movement (men's rights movement in disguise) is the most harmful thing that happened to homosexual youth and I'm so tired of seeing more people being pushed into it just because they are themselves and aren't scared to dress unconventionally!

*I gave up on men. I don't believe it's a women's job to fix whatever they have going on. If they are so scared of women not wanting them anymore, they should adapt to the change.

*I don't block people, unless they're insufferable. We can have different opinions, different lifestyles, different views, but if you're annoying I draw the line there (because Tumblr dot com is my leisure time and I won't have the negativity of random people ruin my mood)

I make mistakes! I'm just a human being and, naturally, I will be in the wrong sometimes. May it be because of the language barrier or me just not thinking things through, doesn't matter. I will try to acknowledge my mistakes and say sorry. I'm still learning and there isn't a better way than through your own downfalls!

I also draw sometimes (I don't have much time for it right now, bc I'm in the middle of my academic years), you can find my work under #my art.

Nothing here is set in stone. As I grow as a person my views will probably change. If you have any questions, just ask them! I'm happy to answer all of them ❤️

Last update: 18th November 2024

[capversen1]

HELLO THERE!!

Welcome to CAPVERSE!!!

Ran by @crowleysno1 and @emmangst !!

If you like Capvers, if you like art, if you like fanfiction, if you like an au where Havers doesn't leave for the North African Front? FOLLOW US!!!

We're just two little sillies who want to spread our silly little thoughts about these silly little homosexuals!!!

BUT! THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FOR GHOSTS S5!! and..

Let us introduce.... the OWNERS!!!

crowleysno1 (aka ashley):

i am the storm of which has been brought upon kav, i am the reason why we are here today. I am.... Ashley.

HI! im ashley (aka grandpappy) and im autistic!!!

im the person who brought this silly ship into kav's life and now we can't stop talking about it!! (OOPSIE!!) i do art, and writing and sometimes poetry but that's like very very rare. BUT!! what you will see here will be a mixture of me and kav's crazy CRAZY imagination through art and fanfiction!

i can't remember the last time I haven't been properly obsessed with anything since I had a 3 year long hyperfixation on Unus Annus, and the rest has been a very long switching between old ones and new ones!!! im very weird.

i hope that this blog goes far because capvers has engulfed me and kav entirely, and we can't escape it (help).

err some random things about me is that I love the six idiots (DUHH). im a gomens , omfd, Markiplier, unus annus, Ethan Nestor, Thomas Sanders fan etcetcetc. errr im in love with horrible histories, ghosts and yonderland... I mean duh. why else am I here???@?#?

(as of today, I never know when I'm suddenly like "NEW HYPERFIXATION!!").

im also very interested in history (ww2 specifically), so like I'll use every every single excuse to talk about it so don't even like cry at the sight of my silly little rambles. (Though if you want to see those they'll be on my main acc)

ill sign off the posts with A or Grandpappy, because I am grandpappy ashley.

BYEBYE!

emmangst (aka kav):

hi im kav (aka hubba bubba) and i have adhd and horrendous memory comparable to amnesia

im the victim of the storm that was approaching (ashley) and now I cant stop being struck by capvers brainstorm lightnings

I'm also a big fan of Pokemon, specifically the subway masters and the b/w games, (really really big fan of) kubzscouts, kitchen nightmares (solely bc of the admin of the kitchen nightmares yt account), metro railways/rapid transit and others I can't really remember

I do art and writing too, but I never post my writings, im not good neither does my artstyle support capvers HELP. but I do share my ideas of capvers au's to ashley.

coincidentally I too am verrrry interested in history (specifically british, germany, ww1/ww2). I go by it/they but ashley will refer to me as he/him just because I said so in didord hhdjsjdj and I probably will call ashley "captain ashley" because it funny

will sign off the posts with K or hubba bubba

funfact abt me : I watched the trailer for BBC Ghosts in 2019 but completely forgot about it until I got curious abt what ashley meant by not revealing the captains name and meeting my ultimate doom

[sleepyanimal]

7 years?!

Wow! I can't believe it's been 7 years since I have posted on this account, or really used tumblr much at all! So much has changed in these last years, I am 7 years older believe it or not!!!!

First things first, I doubt anyone will see this as I am sure many of the folks I used to interact with have moved on from here, or changed accounts. If you remember me, or see this, I would love to say hi <3

After leaving tumblr, I was able to get a pretty large following on tiktok doing aquarium related content, as well as specimen preservation tutorials and process videos (I'm @fishydaddy if you're curious!). Sadly, as many of us are probably aware, tiktok will likely be unavailable in the US this upcoming year, and I felt like it was time to come back to tumblr as it was a huge part of my adolescence. I'm not sure how much this site has changed in the years since I have been gone, but it has been absolutely fantastic going through old archival content and getting all nostalgic and inspired :,)

Looking at this old blog and seeing the work I did as a teenager makes me feel all kinds of things, but it mainly has given me the spirit to get back into art and posting again. I would love to have my content available across many platforms and hopefully set up my own website soon. I will keep this blog for archival reasons, but will likely move all of my newer postings to a new blog. I have a super hard time choosing a name for a brand (???) or social media handle, and have changed it MULTIPLE times throughout the years, but would really like to stick with one from now on. Since I am known as fishydaddy now (a very silly joke name I used not thinking I would actually gain popularity and have a hard time changing it after lol) I will probably continue using that, or a similar name, as fishydaddy is taken on a lot of platforms. I will post an update on what my new username is and how to find me across social media if y'all are interested!

If you've made it this far and are invested, here are some life updates!

----------------------------------------------------

I was able to go to college and get a degree in aquarium science, one of my main passions is aquatic animal husbandry, so being able to get a degree in a niche topic was amazing!

After moving away from home after a gap year post high school, life got pretty hard (although it was always pretty hard, just in a different way). I feel like a lot of my inspiration and drive towards art faded as I didn't have the time or energy to refine skills and learn new things. There have been a few moments where I have gotten back into it, but it has been fleeting, as been good mental health.

When I was posting on this blog, I came out as non-binary (I think I was 16 or 17 at the time?), and being in this community was a huge reason that I was able to learn about gender identity, expression, and the existence of non-binary identities. It was hard at first with family acceptance and self acceptance, as well as strings of bad relationships with straight men who didn't see me as the person I am, but all these years later I am happy to say that the age old quote is true, it DOES get better :,)

I now have been on hrt for over 6 years, and become more comfortable with myself.

~~~~I am non-binary still, on the more masculine end of things but a feminine masculine person, and use they/he pronouns~~~

Transitioning obviously doesn't fix everything, and new struggles come along with transitioning, but I am so happy with the direction my life has gone. I met an amazing person about 4 years ago and we have been together ever since. He is the first cisgender man I have dated where I felt completely understood, accepted, and valued for being truly myself. It also helps that he isn't straight (If you're a young trans person and dating PLEASE do not date someone that says they're " (whatever sexuality) but will make an *exception* for you". I've done it three times and boy oh boy does it leave some lasting scars and blows to self confidence!

Aside from gender stuff, my mental health journey has been a rocky road, but I am nearing a point where I feel I am able to work towards a better life. From childhood, I have always had intense anxiety and obsessive thoughts, which increased drastically during adolescence and morphed into full blown chronic depression, social anxiety, and executive functioning issues that I was never able to fully improve on.

When I came out to my parents at the age of 18, instead of acceptance, I was taken to an autism specialist. I guess my parents thought the reason for being transgender was autism in my case. Well, turns out both can be true (sarcasm), and 8 years later, my parents are very accepting of both my gender and neurodivergence.

This past year, I was finally able to see a psychiatrist that was able to help. My first psychiatrist was from all the way back when I was 15 and I hadn't seen one since getting prescribed antidepressants. Well turns out there are nifty genetic tests that can screen for genetic differences that can cause sensitivities or resistances to certain medications, as well as indicate certain chemical deficiencies or mental health conditions. I was on the wrong medication and given a misdiagnosis for over a decade. I feel like I wasted so much time and suffered through those years. There were good times and beautiful memories to look back on, but I was really sick for years and wasn't taken seriously/unable to be helped based on my description of the problem. It wasn't until I had a horrible depressive burnout episode when I went back to college for a fisheries and wildlife degree that I knew I HAD to do something ASAP. I completely wasted time and money, only to ghost my school, teachers, and classes without being able to communicate how badly I was doing. I took a break from school, got a job in fish health research, and got burnt out AGAIN during one of the best jobs I have ever had in my life. I knew I had to do something, and I finally was diagnosed with ADHD through genetic testing and a new psychiatrist.

The best way that I can describe this feeling I've had since I was in 5th grade, is nausea, dread, terror, fatigue, and just an overall feeling that something is very, very wrong, all the time. It wasn't just anxiety, it was something deeply unsettling that I could never escape. Well, it turns out that I literally am lacking very important chemicals for human functioning due to rapid uptake and processing of those particular chemicals, such as dopamine and adrenaline. I finally feel like I am not broken, that all this work I have been trying to do through self-betterment and therapy that didn't work wasn't my failure or lack of will. It is literally that I blast through dopamine like nobody's business and then am left with nothing, leading to a horrible feeling all the time. Since being prescribed the proper medication, I finally feel like a normal, functioning human being. Some days are hard still, but that's true for everyone. It's like I can finally see through this invisible veil that has been in front of me for my whole life. I feel like I can talk to people like when I was a kid, be myself, work on unmasking, and truly enjoy life and have fun.

Now that I am doing better, I am so excited to start working on what I love again, which is art! My medium has changed many times throughout the years, from pen & ink, to plushies, and more recently into specimen preservation and sculpting, but I always love doing EVERYTHING (ha! who would've guessed I have adhd????). My plan for this upcoming year is to really focus on practicing art, as well as create more things to share with people, be it content, or sellable art. Recently, in the town I live in, an awesome vintage market has opened and has space for an oddity seller which is right up my alley. Fingers crossed that I can get a spot there!

I also want to work more on educational content surrounding aquatic life, from marine biology, to keeping aquariums and general fish health management. This is one of my biggest passions, and my special interest. I have learned so much working in the aquatics industry over the years and would love to share the important information that I have acquired from working in public aquariums, commercial aquatic facilities, and just being a hobbyist on the side.

If you got all the way down to the bottom of this post where I just totally word vomited my entire life story, first of all, who are you sweet angel baby? (not an mfm quote I promise), and also thank you for taking the time out of your day to read some stranger's post????

Oh! and please add me on neopets if you play!!! (babymoonbetta)

Here are some fun bonus photos of me and my partner <3

[eri-blogs-life]

Today officially marks my 5-year anniversary of starting gender-affirming hormone replacement therapy! It's been a real good five years, overall. A mixed bag at times, for sure, with my old shitty job and then me losing my job and getting into extreme debt, but on the bright side I'm in a great relationship, I've got some fantastic friends, and I feel like I am my own person now and all that good stuff's got a lot to do with my transition.

Anyway, to celebrate I decided to take a whole day off work and play a bunch of video games! Quick impressions on like the half-dozen games I played at least an hour or so of today, in no particular order other than the order I played them in today:

Lego: Lord of the Rings

I'll be real, I was not the biggest fan from my first impression. I grew up with Lego Star Wars, and still love that game to this day, but a new Lego game for me...? The gameplay is pretty simple, which is fine but not necessarily the most engaging.

Worst of all though is adding voice acting. One of the best aspects of the Lego Star Wars games was that they had to get creative with how they told the story, focus only on the really important details, and come up with unique ways for characters to express themselves. By ripping the dialogue straight out of the Lord of the Rings movies instead, it cuts a lot of the Lego charm that I loved so much in those games growing up.

Probably not going to play much more of this one

Warhammer 40,000: Boltgun

RIP AND TEAR

Holy shit, this game slaps. Like, I'd heard lots of good things, but now that I've played it I can really feel just how good it is. The pixel art intro is amazing (though a little long-winded for my taste I feel), the graphics of the core gameplay are absolutely beautiful, the music and sound feels so good to the ears, the shooting feels so clunky and satisfying... All around, an absolutely awesome experience.

I am definitely going to be beating this one at LEAST once through.

Lethal Company

Far from my first time playing Lethal Company, but yeah, this is a real fun game. The mix of horror and goofing off with friends just makes for a real fun experience. Once you start learning the creatures' behaviors and they stop being so scary, it really does become just a fun, goofy, silly time with friends in which you ocassionally get extremely freaked out by something suddenly killing you when you don't expect it.

Absolutely playing more, of course.

Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin Edition

I've written about this game before on my blog, it is one of my favorite games of all time and I absolutely adore it. I didn't play for a whole lot today, mostly just booted it up and played until I died, but that made for a satisfying little taste of the game again. Without the social aspect of me playing this game with my friend Jon back in college, though, it definitely doesn't have quite the same appeal.

I don't know if I'm going to play more DS2 anytime soon. I played so, so many hours of this game and explored nearly all its secrets, I don't know how much more playtime I've got in me.

XCOM 2

I've been playing this game for the past few weeks, actually, and fucking loving it. I adored the original reboot XCOM and played it tons, and I picked up XCOM 2 shortly after its release, but I didn't actually give it a real good playing until recently. It's fantastic, but man is it rough to play. You lose a couple of good soldiers on one mision and it feels like everything starts chain-reacting til you've lost the whole run.

Definitely going to be playing more. I want to see this game's ending at least once.

Slay the Spire

Quite possibly my favorite game of all time, I love Slay the Spire's everything. Its game loop, its art, its music, the whole package is absolutely fantastic.

Absolutely I'm playing this game more. I also cannot wait for StS 2.

Cube Escape Collection

Alright, so my first exposure to this series was my neice playing a Cube Escape game on her ipad in, like, 2014, and then I didn't think about it again for a really long time. It was just some weird little puzzle game for mobile apps for kids or whatever. But then I saw this game on steam one time on sale, thought the name sounded familiar, and decided to pick it up. So far in first little experience, it's chill. I do enjoy me a good little escape room puzzle, for sure.

Probably going to play more, but it might be a while before I pick it up again

Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp

I loved Monster Prom - its fun characters and silly setting make for a really entertaining time. I finally got around to trying out the sequel. It's good, though mechanically it felt like largely the same core loop. It's not a bad loop by any means, and of course the real appeal is in the new romanceable characters, but I didn't find myself really falling too hard for any of them on an initial runthrough like I did with Polly in Monster Prom.

I might play more. Might try at least one run to date Aaravi cause they seemed fun.

Highschool Romance

Holy shit this made me feel things. The premise of a boy has to crossdress to fit in at an all-girls school feels kinda silly at first blush, but it really feels like the game takes it seriously. I dunno, when the game put me in a situation where I had to make a decision between revealing my identity to the girl I was interested in or keeping it a secret, I had to just pause the game and step away for a few minutes. The game really got me in to feeling like I was there in the character's shoes, caught in the headlights of a near impossible decision between trying to keep my secret a little longer or coming out when I didn't know how she'd take it. I tried keeping it a secret, but it didn't exactly end up working out, and she found out. But she was cool about it. And she even wanted to kiss me, which was pretty hot.

I'm absolutely about to play the fuck out of this game.

Ocean's Heart

Didn't play this game for long, but I got just enough of a taste to say it seems really promising. Got a lot of the 2D Zelda genes in it and from my short time with it, it feels pretty fun to play.

Definitely going to play more of it, but I think it's going to go back onto the backlog for now while I focus on other games.

[harushinkai-daily]

State of the Blog and Plans Going Forward

Hello friends! I wanted to share my plans for this blog now that we've gone through all the episodes and documented more than four years(!!) of good, good Harus.

The bottom line up front: this blog will still be updating, but there is going to be a drop in frequency, and I will take requests via the askbox if there's something you want to see! The rest is under the cut to spare your dash, but read on if you're curious!

First of all, I want to assure everyone that this blog is NOT going away. I care about it way too much to just abandon it. That said, I really don't have it in me to keep it updating daily at this point. There are nowhere near enough "new" Harus I could post, and while I suppose I could start the anime over again from the beginning, I want to make this transition on a high note, and there's nothing I could do that would be more satisfying than (somewhat-accidentally-but-then-totally-on-purpose once I saw it was possible) lining up the end of the anime to coincide with Haru's birthday. Plus, I always want this blog to be a labor of love and joy, so I really do need to make this adjustment before it starts feeling like a chore or obligation to update ^^;

So what does that mean? It means there will still be some new posts to this blog, but they're going to become much more sporadic in nature. I haven't exactly figured out what this looks like yet. It might be every week, it might just be when I feel like it. I still have some manga panels to go through and some anime-related "bonus materials." Plus, there are some stats and compilation-based photosets I want to make (and my personal top 10 Harus? You betcha!). Not to mention finishing the poor, neglected blog index, if you've ever looked at this page on desktop!

That actually brings up another one of my goals for this project: archival and general Appmon news/promotion. In terms of archival, I want to export the contents this blog (screenshots and captions) somewhere outside of Tumblr; I'm thinking a Neocities page or something. I also might use this space to reblog whatever Appmon-related news we might get in the future (few and far between, obviously, but it could still happen!). There are also some other Appmon-related projects that are rattling around in my head that I would also like to get out there (character comparison by director and/or Caught-Up Old Man supercut, anyone?). So things might look kind of quiet as I do some work on some backend HTML and other behind-the-scenes stuff, but progress will probably be happening on those fronts, slowly but surely!

All that said, if you really can't get enough Haru, there are several ways you can help to keep this blog going!

Send me a date on the calendar, ANY date, and I'll reply with all of the daily Harus that got posted over the years! The only exception to that rule is July 1, since that day's dedicated to reblogging fanworks :)

Send me ideas for photosets! With 4 years of backlog, I'm sure there are some interesting ones that could be made.

Send requests for gifs! I only did this sporadically during the original run, but if there's something you want to see that I didn't make already, I'll do it.

Let me know what YOUR favorite Haru(s) are. It doesn't have to be all about me! :D

Send me Harus or requests for Harus that I'm missing? This blog has always accepted submissions. But please note I will not post more than individual Appmon manga panels, because Naoki Akamine, the mangaka, has requested that any art they've shared and posted on social media not be reposted. If it's not directly from the anime, I also have a strong preference for original, official images WITH SOURCES, because I've noticed there are a few AI-upscaled versions of things like card art floating around out there. I will always do my best to track down the original image, and will not use images that have been enhanced with AI on this blog. A sure way to tell: any text on the image looks fuzzy (and wrong!)

Last but not least (and I know I say this a lot, but bear with me): thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sticking with this blog, whether you're a longtime follower or a relative newcomer. This whole project started on a whim, as a passion project early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and I could not have guessed that it would have taken me this long to make it through the whole series, one good Haru at a time. I have spent a truly shocking amount of time working on this blog, but an equal amount of love, for one of my absolute favorite Digimon series and gogglehead protagonists.

Love from your HaruShinkai-Daily mod,

@citrus-cactus

[glareandgrowl]

Everyone Saw it coming if they are on my blog but

Kiyotaka Ishimaru for the ask game plsssss !

Ask game Here

Sexuality Headcanon:

Now, see, starting off with a kinda hard one... Taka's an interesting bean in what I calculate his sexuality to be. Most people assume Gay since... ya know. And while I don't think that's necessarily a bad take, its the popular take. And I am one who tends to shy away from popular takes. (I am also one to vehemently project onto the characters I love). Hence, I HC Taka as Demiromantic! (and demisexual to an extent...)

Forms strong emotional bonds with people close to him? Check. Only ever seems to fall romantically for those he is extremely close with??? DOuble check babeyyy!

Gender Headcanon:

Aaaand now its simple. Taka's a male. Cut and dry. Rather fondly a guy, I must say. He strikes me as the kinda guy who would be so excited to share with you that he uses he/him pronouns! He probably did some soul searching when he first learned of transitioning and other gender orientations only to find he was rather comfortable and happy where he was. (you know he spent hours studying to learn all he could) and would be all for helping others explore their gender too!

I know a lot of people hc him and mondo both as trans, but personally I think hes just very proud of his manliness.

A ship I have with said character:

I couullddd go the easy route and say Ishimondo... But you all already know that. Instead I'm going to go with a more... scandalous... ship.

Its KiyoKiyo. Korekiyo and Kiyotaka. Its my guilty pleasure ship.

Now, granted, I imagine this as a Korekiyo who has shaken himself of his 'sister's' grasp and is "normal" (Ie LOTS of therapy), so its more like the shy introvert getting dragged along by the loud golden retriever boy but I digress. Its sweet to me. Tall lanky and smol but strong.

(And YES this originated from Danganronpa Redemption FIGHT ME---)

A BROTP I have with said character:

Once again I could go with an obvious, that being Chihiro or Hina, but you ALREADY know this and I GO AGAINST THE ORDINARY!!!

I think Sayaka and Taka would be great friends :3

Hardworking, burnout-having besties who have to be told numerous times to slow down and take a break by their chiller, sweet yet partially annoying boyfriends.

A NOTP I have with said character:

There are so many... who do I begin with... Genuinely who do I begin with. Alr I hardly see this one in the wild but Kokichi and Kiyotaka I despise. Either that's just because I hate kokichi but-- BESIDES THE POINT. Hiro and Taka is another one I don't particularly like.

I get where it comes from, the few times they interract in the canon could be seen as brotherly (I GUESS) from Hiro's standpoint but-- Idk it just kinda rubs me the wrong way. Hiro's character in general does that...

A Random Headcanon:

Taka enjoys, and is really good at boxing. (Or wrestling) Like how some stories I've read put him on the football (soccer for us americans) team (or rugby ig idk.) I have a (self-inflicted) HC that Taka has slight anger issues hes still recovering from as a child and ABSOLUTELY uses the environment of controlled violence as a way to work off pent up steam. Any sport could do that really, but the inherent homoeroticism of wrestling is just *mwah* too good to pass up.

I know people like to HC he's into some kind of martial arts lessons for the same kind of vibe, and the art of him and Peko, but I find the inante physicality of using yer fists and body as a much more... *Taka Centric* activity. Idk.

Its the same reason he really enjoys thrill rides like rollercoasters and horror movies (if he can stand to not postulate the entire plot the whole time, ruining climactic moments and making people shush him.)

General Opinions:

HE GOT FUCKING ROBBED IN CANON MY BOY---

anyway feel free to ask me about more characters!!! This was fun :3

[inprogresspokemon]

I’m not sure when Mega Blastoise is coming. Realistically, probably not anytime too soon.

I wasn’t lying when I said I was working on Mega Blastoise back then – I was. But I haven’t touched it in a long time; I have less free time to work on art for this blog, so when I do have time, Mega Blastoise just isn’t my priority right now. (I’m currently focusing on finishing up commissions and getting into Gen 9; Fuecoco’s line is close to being finished).

As for why I stopped working on it in the first place, Blastoise and Mega Blastoise are facing different directions, which makes the in-between for them more of a pain. After starting it, I really wasn’t satisfied with the direction it was going in and ultimately decided I’ll be making forward-facing artwork for Blastoise (like I did for Mega Sceptile) so that the in-between has more flow and the transition is more obvious. But doing that takes time away from something else I could be working on... 

That said, I haven’t done all the other Mega’s yet. I still have Mega Steelix, Mega Metagross, Mega Latias/Latios, Mega Rayquazza, and Mega Diancie to do as well (and I’ve started most of them, too).

For Gen 1 to be “complete” to me, and ready to upload to Instagram and deviantArt (etc), there’s some more Pokemon lines I’d like to redo, including:

Kanto and Alolan Rattata

(Potentially) Spearrow

Jigglypuff

Zubat Line

Kanto and Aolan Diglett

Kanto Geodude line (I also still need to finish Alolan Geodude line)

Seel

Slowbro/Slowking (I also still need to finish Galarian Slowking)

Magnemite

Drowzee

Jinx

Kabutops 

The majority would just be updating the art as opposed to redesigning them.

I haven’t forgotten about Mega Blastoise and the other Megas or remaining Gen 1 lines that I want to redo, I just have limited time and energy and am just one person! I will be keeping Mega Blastoise in mind and will try to get to it before too long, but please understand that I’m not just sitting around twiddling my thumbs ignoring Mega Blastoise for the sake of it.

[5ummit]

New Blog Theme!

It's official, my beloved custom theme of 10+ years has finally been laid to rest. I know nobody else cares and very few people probably ever even visited the custom blog but it feels like the end of an era to me. That theme was my friend. RIP.

The new theme is pretty simple, as was my old one, but I'm a simple person. I do love that it's responsive (the biggest downside of the old one) and it has a dark mode option! If anyone else wants this theme, or at least something similar, it's based on Blue Moon by freddie-mercurys. I've modified the original code heavily though to suit my very specific preferences and I'll probably continue making tweaks here and there. Not sure if I'll keep it forever but it's good enough for now.

With the transition to the new theme I've also decided to remove my NSFW blog from my sidebar.

The link has been featured prominently ever since I created it 10 years ago and it even survived the Great Purge of 2018 somewhat intact. But times are changing. Antis are growing more bold, tumblr is enabling them, and the internet as a whole is becoming more puritanical and sanitized by the day. I'm not planning to delete it, at least not at the moment, I just think it's no longer safe for me to continue displaying it where anyone who stumbles across my blog can easily find it, especially when I've been targeted by antis before. My main is too important to me to risk potentially losing my entire account because of ONE self-righteous fancop.

All of this to say, if you're interested in my NSFW blog (art only) and not following it already, either follow it now or save the link somewhere. Admittedly I rarely post there anymore because there's obviously not much NSFW content to share on tumblr these days anyway, but I wanted to give y'all one last opportunity to get in now that it's essentially privated.

I'm also considering making a backup tumblr so y'all will know where to find me in case my whole account gets nuked at some point. I personally don't feel like I've posted anything here that would warrant it, but with anti-culture only getting worse and tumblr now going after fictional content and CSA victims, I can't rely on rationality to protect me anymore.

[nonebothersgiven]

We’re moving!

Long post, please forgive me. 

      Hey guys, nonebothersgiven is so near and dear to my heart. We’ve been here 9 years and I have loved every second of it. If any of you are left, you’ve probably noticed a large decrease in content. Some of that is due to the whole mess with J.K., of course. As a trans person, it doesn’t feel the same as it does to read the series. That said, the harry potter fandom is still so important to me. You guys helped me step into my identity and I am eternally grateful for that. The friends I have made through this fandom and the passion that this fandom has given me for writing and art are gifts I could have never hoped to receive. I don’t want that to go away, but I am so much older and things have changed. I’m not as into harry potter as I used to be, that’s the fact. I’m not saying that this blog is over. I haven’t made any hard decisions yet, but it is going to be quiet for now as it has been for the past few months. Even if I decide to archive it, I will never delete it. It’s here for good or bad to remind me of a significant time of my life. 

     All of that said, I have another art blog that’s only a few years younger called @skales if any one is interested (no pressure of course!). I’m also planning to start a fanfiction blog as well to fill in that gap (I’ll let you know when that’s up). Right now, I don’t have any current content on my art blog, but that is set to change in the next few days. It won’t be harry potter. If I ever do decide to draw or write harry potter content in the future, it will still be posted to nonebothersgiven. No one of course is obligated to check it out. I am forever grateful for you guys and if this is goodbye I just want you to know how thankful I am for each and everyone of you. I hope that you are all living and will continue to live happy lives. 

So, for those of you that are interested: 

My new art blog will be the aforementioned @skales 

Here I’ll post fanart related to whatever fandom I’m into at the moment. Examples include: The Magnus Archives, Our Flag Means Death, Disney, Animal Crossing, Mass Effect, Stardew Valley, Neon Genesis Evangelion, God of War, Assassins Creed, Star Wars, League of Legends, Marvel Comics, Studio Ghibli, The Owl House, Over the Garden Wall, Laika studios, and Haikyu!! 

My new fanfiction blog will be announced soon on both nonebothersgiven and skales. 

If you are still reading, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to give this a listen. Thank you to all of my old and new followers and friends. Regardless of whether or not you check out what’s new for me, I cannot say enough how much it means to me that you’ve stuck around this long. 

SIDE NOTE: If you used to be a harry potter blog and are now transitioning into new content, feel free to reply with the name of your new blog. I’d still love to stay in contact with as many of you as possible. 

Love always, 

nonebothersgiven 

[sithisreadingcorner]

Hi Sithi, how are you ? I'm Sab :) 🦆 You did a reading few years ago which was pretty accurate (omg time flies 😭😭) so I'm here today to ask you if I may have one please. My dob is still 11/10/1995. I don't have a particular question however I'm seeking a guidance regarding my upcoming year if you don't mind. Thank you for it and I do wish you a nice day 👀👁️

Hello Sab and welcome back! Thank you im good, I hope the same for you as well Time really flies huh?! Im so glad that the reading was helpful back then, I do remember it. One of the first ones on the blog. You know what is funny... I get lawyers, especially those who are just about to finish studies/start their career, literally all the time. An almost disproportionate amount. Maybe it's my fate to help budding lawyers along the way 😂

Although you technically sent this for September, since your birthday is coming up soon I thought I would make this more detailed than usual as an early gift 🥰

queen of swords. deconsecration wheel of fortune. death (sowing) XIII. DEATH "Death is the card of becoming. It signifies an imminent and difficult transition – the conclusion of one phase of life and the beginning of another. Inevitably, something gets lost during the transformation, but something else will rise and take its place." IDIOT: "Permanently reduce your intelligence by 1d4+1. You can draw one additional card beyond your declared draws." [Practice the art of persuasion. Enjoy rigorous intellectual discourse.] RHETORIC

Based on the cards, what I think is that you are kinda at a point in life right now where you are more or less satisfied with how things are going, or at least you are complacent about it. Not everything is going the best way it could, but your place either feels comfortable, or you feel like it would be too much work to get them in order, so you just kinda let them be as they are. You are in a maintenance mode, basically. And this is generally speaking completely okay, you don't have to do literally the most every day of every month. But it would be really good for you right now to "tighten the ship" so to speak.

There will be some really big changes coming into your future, that I interpret as immensely positive, but they are also quite drastic and you can only really take advantage of them if you are prepared for them beforehand. I think several areas of your life could benefit from a more organized approach, but that is probably a lot to change at once and it's my understanding that the area where this would benefit you the most is at work (though I'm not completely sure, so if you feel like this resonates differently you are probably right). Let me say an example. I don't know if THIS WILL happen but I feel like it's at least a realistic example of the kind of thing that MAY happen. Your boss is considering promoting someone at work to an extremely advantageous position, and they are thinking between you and another person, trying to decide. You would be the preferred candidate, and you WOULD be great for this position in theory, but your boss would like you to demonstrate that you have the organizational skills for such a leadership position as well. They dont tell you that though directly, they just kinda keep an eye on you, and you are just kinda coasting by at work at this moment, just straight up bing chilling. And to be honest, if you got the position today, you wouldn't be prepared for it either. So the other person gets promoted, and you will probably never even know that you were considered. But if you got your shit together a little, even if it's not perfect, your boss could see that you are trying and improving, and would eventually choose you.

Now, mind, I still want you to have a healthy relationship with your job situation, and get enough rest, and so on. What you need to do, is work smarter, not harder. Try to get your things in order, and make them more efficient. Change your routine today, and you will have plenty of time to get used to it and grow from it. The only thing that there is to it is that you gotta sow those seeds today so that you can enjoy the harvest at a later time. I don't think I can say anything more specific than that, but I will say one thing. The changes, though they will be drastic, what they will NOT be, is sudden. I think that the signs are gonna be there well beforehand, even if subtle. So keep your eyes peeled, pay attention to details, and especially to those things that people hint at but don't say. The information you gain will be quite helpful to you later. 👀

september readings (7 of 8)

tips? 💗

[genuflecting]

I've had a bunch of things circling around my head for days and they don't seem to want to leave on their own, so I'm going to try writing them out in a long post that no one had to read, but if you're nosy like me you're welcome to and I promise the bad vibes can't past it past the readmore, you can check them at the door

the guy I like wasn't at the party I went to last weekend and no one there even had his contact info (I got brave and asked the person who I thought knew him but it turned out to be a dead end) so now I have to wait for the group's every other month party and hope he turns up to that, which will probably be a Halloween party so that'll be an interesting extra element. I've just been so hung up on it cause my attraction to people in real life is so incredibly rare and I want to act on this, but it feels so out of my control and if I'm this sad at not seeing him for two months I'm gonna be REALLY really sad if four months later I still don't see him. I wish my taste in people was broader so I could just. not feel so lonely!

I think the loneliness/striking out has mutated alongside dysphoria into me feeling extremely dysmorphic and sad lately, which I like a lot less than my hopeful new outlook I had for the few months before that

I'm feeling very tired of being misgendered absolutely constantly in public, and especially of feeling like my mom just sees me as "woman lite". I almost wish she just saw me as a man, but I specifically don't identify with a binary gender because I don't want people to lug in all their gendered baggage and assumptions and bury me in them, so instead I'm stuck with not being seen as a man at all.

The dysphoria seems to have been fanned by not seeing that guy at the party and feeling insecure about that, but especially by the interaction at said event where (someone who is also nonbinary) made weird and gross biologically essentialist comments (cited in another post, man I wish tumblr had citations honestly, I know I'm a fucking nerd but how fun would that be, anyway). I went through a period of feeling way more confident in my body and how my gender (and sex, frankly) are congruous with my identity and that I can be a gay guy who isn't questioned or dissonant, and that just felt so regressed by that interaction and my doubts of how people perceive me and, by extension of anxiety, how the guy I like might see me.

Seeing a post where someone in the comments conflated dom/sub with top/bottom and also made the most "clearly hasn't had sex, doesn't know what they're talking about" reference to being a "top in real life, bottom in bed" and vice versa and I just wish I could make people stop using all of those terms if they don't know what they mean. oh, you're anally receptive in your daily non-sexual life? No wonder being on tumblr set me back with my understanding of sex and relationships, people just talk about it with zero grounding in reality

Then seeing a guy refer to "transition scars" in a piece of art's replies (where the cis male artist gave a character very tired vine patterns in place of top surgery scars) and then I went to the commenter's blog and his bio said that he's distrustful of fandoms predominantly made up of women fetishizing m/m ships, ie all of them, and I'm just like Man, way to do one of the worst things you can do for trans men while claiming the most superficial support. the way I still have to reassure myself that that's not what I'm doing when I experience attraction to another man as a man, because of fear mongering arguments like that.

Lastly in the vein of maybe I should stop opening the notes of posts at all, is seeing someone claim that the "mauraders fandom" is a "totally separate" fandom from the hateful wizard books and not related, thus they shouldn't be accused of promoting transphobic work, and someone had to break down for them exactly how stupid that argument is. The fact that they're apparently telling themselves that explains why the acquaintance I know who I already wasn't comfortable being friends with because she still goes to Catholic church with her family was comfortable referencing reading mauraders fanfiction while knowing she was in front of a trans person. It was just so much to realize the fact that this is just a continuation of the same bullshit people have been spewing for years about death of the author, in front of my trans literature major ass who has actually read roland barthes and knows that's not even kinda what the essay is about.

Anyways I'm tired, trans, and angry, and I would just like some critical thought, gender affirmation, and gay sex as a treat.

[ciercannon]

A lot... a lot.

I stopped going on tumblr for the same reason as every other person back in the day. So it’s like whatever. But I need a blog anyway, so I changed my alias on here to something similar to what I use these days as I loathe my given name now. A lot has happened so I am going to try and give a rundown. * I may be AMAB, but privately I want to transition to female and will. Life is just in the way right now. * I have come to realize I loathe clothes. Too much sensory input. I know it's allowed on tumblr, but we'll see. It's my space. * I can handle louder sounds now. * My pixel art has gotten dramatically better. * Mojo/My dog who I didn't spend more than 3 days away from in 10yrs died. Total Renal Failure. I miss him dearly. * I have a halfway decent computer now (sorta) and a Switch. * Some personal stuff that would just stress me out... But like, I'll be using this blog going forth for more personal things. Intimately personal things and probably make a side-blog for my art. We will see. Hopefully it'll be good to be back.