#this actually has been getting better with meds
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Danny, being a halfa, falls under the strange category of people who can converse with the dead and act in their names. Most mediums simply convey messages. It was rare for someone to be able to fulfill a ghostās dying request and have that act tied to the ghostās core.
Honestly itās annoying.
He doesnāt get any alone time anymore for homework or hobbies. The dead are constantly pestering Danny to help with their desires - which, sure, it helps them move on which means theyāre out of Dannyās hair, but come on!! Give a guy a break! Just because he doesnāt need as much sleep as a fully living person doesnāt mean he can go without entirely!
āNo Scott,ā Danny repeated for the fifth time, āI am not flying to California tonight. Do you know how far that is? Literally the other coast of this massive continent. Meet me there in August like everyone else on the list.ā
Spending the first spring break of college creating a map and calendar for Last Rites was not something Danny expected when he moved to Gotham.
Why did this city have so many ghosts?! It was ridiculous. And he thought Amity Park was bad? At least the ghosts here were mostly Shades. Not visible to anyone unless they were also dead-adjacent or had The Sight or a bloodline curse or a magical amuletā¦ you know what? There were enough of those in this curse ridden city, why couldnāt these ghosts go find one of those people instead? Danny was exhausted.
So exhausted he didnāt notice the vigilante dropping down from the rooftop.
ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½Hey there kid, you alri-ā
āYeah yeah,ā Danny waved a hand dismissively at the voice without looking up. āWait in line like everyone else. But honestly youād be better off coming back tomorrow when Iāve had some sleep.ā
āThink maybe you outta get started on that sleep now, bud?ā the voice behind him spoke in a calm careful tone.
One Danny had heard all too often since dying.
His head jerked sideways to stare wide-eyed at Nightwing, who tensed just a little as if expecting Danny to run or fight. Instead he let out a groan and slumped onto the park bench, rubbing his eyes to ease the burn of fatigue. Heād been coming out to this park at the corner of campus each night to keep the Shades from mobbing him all day long in classes, but theyād spread the word around Gotham that he was here and his precious spring break had become a non-stop line of requests and arguments. Made sense heād caught the attention of one of the Bats. Should have expected it sooner.
Danny ignored all the voices around him and looked at Nightwing directly as he prattled off his usual list when someone caught him talking to thin air.
āNo, Iām not hallucinating. I got all my Rogue Gallery immunizations the day I checked onto campus. Iām not schizophrenic. The only meds I take are for adhd and the occasional Tylenol. Iām not a danger to myself or others. Unless they attack me first.ā
Nightwing nodded along, but tilted his head at the end.
āIām talking to the dead,ā Danny answered the unspoken question in a tired monotone, waiting for the usual skepticism or plea for help with lost loved ones.
āOh. Okay then.ā
āWhat?ā That wasnāt expected.
āNo yeah, that makes sense.ā
Danny was sure his jaw was on the ground. āYouā¦ you believe me?ā
āWell sure,ā the hero shrugged and chuckled. āI canāt see ghosts myself but I know a couple magicians who work with one, and my little brother Robin has a ghost on his team - sheās actually visible most of the time so I donāt know if thatās a special skill or something else going on. But Iām glad youāre okay and donāt need any emergency medication. I know a couple 24 hour pharmacies that would help but itās nice when theyāre not needed. We donāt get a lot of mediums around Gotham holding court at night so you really canāt fault me for checking in.ā
Danny was still floating in the relief of not being questioned or doubted. That hadnāt happened since Jazz found out his secret. Sheād had plenty of questions about his halfa status, of course, but never called him crazy for talking to things others couldnāt see. Even Sam and Tucker would forget sometimes and give him strange looks before realizing he was dealing with a Shade, Wisp, or Memory.
He didnāt realize he was wobbling until Nightwingās arms shot out to stabilize him.
Danny blinked up at the pretty face that was trying not to chuckle, held by strong arms, and so far past tired he might be getting delirious after all because his brain seemed to have lost its filter and he said out loud,
āYou actually believe me. I think I love you.ā
Then the horrifying embarrassment hit at the same time as Nightwingās laughter. Whichā¦ sounded delighted rather than mean spirited?
āWell now itās your turn to wait in line, cuz thatās the fourth confession Iāve had this week!ā They both devolved into snorts and giggles, Danny still relying on those arms for balance, but when theyād caught their breath the vigilante said, āCome on, youāve really got to get some sleep. Iāll walk you back to your dorm.ā
Ignoring the whispers and grumbles of the Shades was easier with someone walking beside him.
This is so incredibly cute oml. Itās so rare to see the bats actually go with the flow and god it isnāt done enough. 12/10 immaculate, glorious.
The entire plot I can see so clearly in my mind dude:
Danny chatting to Nightwing as they walk to his dorm
Nightwing asking some casual questions about ghosts and Danny asking about vigilante work.
Nightwing informs the Bats of Danny as he might be a valuable asset in the future.
Nightwing helps free shades with Danny and he realizes why Danny is so incredibly tired all the time.
Nightwing managing to stumble into Danny every day of his break, slowly getting to know each other more and more and becoming really good friends (perhaps lovers š).
Wonderful stuff man ty for the ask!
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Communication is Key (Sydney LohmannxGwinnReader!)
(Part 2 of Knocked Out)
Warnings: mentions of epilepsy, mental health struggles, relationship arguements
It has been 2 months since you had to give up your soccer career. It sucked and you still weren't over it. But now there was no secret in the way of you moving in with Sydney. Honestly there was no way that she would let you live on your own and neither was your sister Giulia. The two and your friends have learned how to deal with your epilepsy and what to do in case of an emergency. And now you were an Assistent Coach for the team. It wasn't the same as playing and being so close to the field still stung a bit but it was better then anything else you could have imagined for yourself. You also apologized for your behavior because snapping at the people that love and care about you isn't it. Probably wasn't gonna be the last time though. Cause you are only human.
Sydney walked to her car with you. Holding hands. You always were a Passanger princess so the fact that you weren't allowed to drive with your health issues wasn't bothering you at all. "Did you take your meds, babe?" She asked you. "Yes my love. Don't worry about me. Things are fine!" You told her but of course she was gonna worry. It was her duty as your girlfriend. And in all honesty you always were worried about her as well when she wasn't feeling so great. Even when it was just a cold. That what love is all about, caring about the other Person. "I am gonna worry no matter what! Cause you are the love of my life! You are stuck with me!" Sydney answered with a smile. "Is this a threat?" You asked jokingly and pulled her close. "Just kidding, you are the love of my life too. I sincerly believe what we have is for forever!" You told her, kissing her softly. She kissed you back before opening the car door for you. You thank her and sat down in the passenger seat. She closed it and walked around the car to get into the drivers seat. "For the record i sincerly believe what we have is for forever as well!" Sydney replied and started the car. You put on some music, connecting your Phone to the Bluetooth of the car. The two of you drove in comfortable silence, Sydneys hand resting on your knee for the most part of the 15 minute car ride.
You walked inside together once Sydney parked her car. You two kissed eachother before going your seperate ways. She got changed while you went to meet up with Alex to have a little chat about today's practice. "Hey y/n!" He said. "Hey Alex! So last practice before the game against Wolfsburg. Which we need to win! It's important that we work on standards cause those will be really important. Given that is how we can Score since out of the usual Play it will be hard to get even slightly close to the goal or even make it into their half of the field." You said and he chuckled softly. He appreciated how focused you were and how important this all was to you. Even though you had to give up playing.
At the same time with most of the team getting changed...
Giulia was talking to Sydney about you. Being the concerned big sister she always was. "Syd is she actually okay? I feel like she is not actually dealing with the situation. It has me worried. The fact that she said 'no' to therapy after her dreams were crushed. And the fact that she tried to hide it from us before...i don't think she is dealing with it like she should!" Your sister told your girlfriend. "I do think the same sometimes. But she always keeps promising that things are fine!" Sydney stated. "Maybe we should try and talk to her together!" Giulia suggested. Lea who was sitting next to them, putting her hair into a ponytail. "Guys she might think that it's an intervention if you try to sit her down to talk about that! I mean it is ... but still...she might be even more closed off if you go on about it like that. It needs to be in a more causal way!" Lea told them. "Yes, listen to Lea! I am not a child and i decide when i need therapy...no one else!" You said from the doorway of the changing room. all eyes were on you now. "Babe..." Sydney tried to talk to you but you were quite upset so you stopped her, holding your hand up. "I don't want to hear it, Sydney! You two just could have talked to me when we would hang out with one another and make it sound like you are just checking in and not discussing my business at work. In front of our friends! I am so upset and angry with both of you! Sydney and Giulia!" They knew they messed up because you never used their legal names. It was always: Syd, Babe, Baby, SydBear or something cute like that. For Giulia it was always : Giuli, G, Sis, Things like that. Neither of them had the chance of saying anything else. Because you left. Walking towards your office on Bayern Campus.
Your head was pounding and you didn't feel great at all after that argument or confrontation whatever you wanted to call it. Tears in your eyes. You couldn't even see where you were going at this point, which is why you almost ran into Lena who just got back from physiotherapy. She quickly stopped you. "Y/n? What's wrong?" She asked. "Lena?... Nothing, well...i had an argument with Syd & my sister! They talked about my mental health in front of the entire team. I hate that they talk behind my back about me that way!" You explained to her. She opened her arms to offer you a hug which you gladly took. Stepping into her arms. "They just worry about you! We all do! You mean so much to us! Especially to Syd & Giuli! Your sister loves you so much and would do whatever for you and Syd is so madly in love with you that she still blushes when someone mentions your name." Lena told you. "I know Obi i know. Maybe i was a bit unfair but since they knew about my diagnosis they watch me like Hawks. And sometines when Syd does it then it feels like she is my Care Giver and not my girlfriend! I Love both of them too! With all of my Heart and Sydney for sure is the love of my life!" You told your friend. "Maybe talk to them about how you feel?" Obi suggested as the two of you let go of eachother. "Good Idea! Thank you, Obi! Means alot to me!" Lena smiled at you. "That's what friends are for!" She answered. The two of you said your 'see you later' and that you would soon meet on the field. You just had to grab something from your office.
You sat down in your office chair, opening your Laptop to print Out some statistics. A knock on the door interrupted you though. "Yes? Please come in!" You said and looked up from your laptop. Both Giulia and Sydney walked in, looking like kicked puppies. "Can we Talk?" Your sister asked which you agreed to with a nod of your head. "Please sit." You told them. Giulia sat down on one of the chairs that stood in front of your desk Sydney sat down in your lap. "I am sorry, Angel face!" Your girlfriend whispered out, kissing your cheeks gently. "That's mean, Syd! I am trying to be mad at you!" You replied but couldn't help yourself, you just have to smile. "I am sorry as well, sis!" Giulia told you. "Fine i forgive the two of you! But please next time you are worried just talk to me! It has been two weeks since my last seizure and it was a minor one! Just an absence seizure. I get that you worry! I worry about the two of you as well when you get hurt or are not feeling well. But maybe we start to communicate better? Cause i really want things to be normal between us! And not like i am a helpless toddler. You worry more than Mom & Dad!" You explained, altough your parents do worry alot and you know they often would asked Giulia about how you are doing. Sometimes they would also call Syd to get an update on you cause you often would just say you are fine so they wouldn't worry. It was a circle of emotions really. "We are sorry! We both gonna try to be more chill, right Giuli?" Sydney promised you. "Yes right!" She agreed, nodding her head softly. "Good! And i promise i will also talk to my therapist about everything that happened in the last couple of months." You just wanted to let them know that you were dealing with it in a healthy way!
Around a month later Sydney proposed to you after they won the Champions League finale. Which of course you said yes to.
The following summer you got married, your teammates, families & some friends were there to celebrate with the two of you.
You officially were y/n Lohmann now and you couldn't be happier about it.
(There will be a part three and maybe a Part four)
#womens soccer#woso#woso x reader#sydney lohmann#giulia gwinn#klara bĆ¼hl#lena oberdorf#lea schĆ¼ller#fc bayern munich women#sydney lohmann x reader#womens football
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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Iāve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soonā¦ Iāve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and Iām finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shopās so broken rn lmao but thatās a problem for a later date itās just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things arenāt 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ādid not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a dayā kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah Iāve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but thatās expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed godās sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldnāt get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and itās kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasnāt actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad itās paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and thatās coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#thatās the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways thatās a whole different tangent rant over
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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Once again no crafts to update, but hereās those fish I drew yesterday!
#the person behind the yarn#fish#sometimes I draw a new thing and it feels like Iāve unlocked a new skill#like Iāll get a pop up that says unlocked: you can now draw billowing and spots. congratulations!#or something? idk I donāt play many video games so idk how the achievements are worded lol#I am on new meds for my Symptoms Disease and they are helping a lot but thereās always an adjustment period#because when my body starts functioning better than usual my executive function kinda spins out for a while?#itās getting better! but crafting has been slow#I also got some blood test results back! I test positive for autoimmune antibodies#which is one of the first quantitative blood test results Iāve had EVER in over a decade#Iām trying not to get too excited before I talk to a doc#but itās actually four different blood test results that are abnormal this time and all four point toward autoimmune#ā¦plus several more that point to me being a little bit anemic
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blegh
#delete later#this is me just yelling into the void for a moment#but god I think I need to look into doing smth about my meds#:))) been on a steady mental health decline since at LEAST august#and itās only gotten worse since the new year started cries#Iām trying to do homework and I canāt even focus on it#struggling so bad#but I donāt. trust anyone to actually talk and Iāve been pulling closer to myself#so I just bury myself in school and writing and distractions (there arenāt many)#I donāt know I think Iām tired#really tired of how things have been#how alone I feel#life has genuinely felt exhausting lately#all of my relationships feel so superficial with the exception of like. a small few#I want deeper connections but lately I feel like Iām just not built for friendship#it really feels like Iām just not supposed to have friends because Iām not a good one or Iām not a good person and I just Exist#in loneliness#and that hurts SO bad#can it please get better already#please#between online and irl I am at my limit T-T#ANYWAYS. back to being productive and doing stuff
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Iāve been trying not to think about it and get my hopes too high up but I realized that itās been over a week since Iāve like, felt that āthe world is caving in on itselfā hurt, anxiety, and sadness. Tbh Iāve felt moreā¦. Stable? Steady? Donāt feel like Iām wildly swinging between extreme moods every couple hours to couple minutes and Iāve been like huh thatās cool but also waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it to come back but then I realized this started a bit after all my med dosages got doubled and now Iām like. Holy godā¦.. are they working???? Do meds actually fucking work???????
#again trying not to be tooooo hopeful this could be a coincidence and itāll come back with a vengeance#but also Iām like. very odd that all of a sudden this stopped happening then#and I highly doubt I just magically got myself under control that quickly#like I mean yeah obviously I still get upset and sad and angry sometimes#but it doesnāt feel like I need to go fucking kill myself or like my insides are coming undone#and little things donāt send me spiraling like they were#on the one hand omg yay it would be so wonderful if the meds are actually helping now and Iām glad they might be#but also I feel a bit frustrated and sad because if I had been able to be on reliable medication before nowā¦.#maybe things wouldnāt have gotten so bad and certain things wouldnāt have happened#butā¦. no point in dwelling on that so Iām trying not to#just trying to be hopeful that some of the meds are actually doing what theyāre supposed to#like not only just feeling better#I donāt come home and just sit in silence and stew in my own misery and make myself feel bad#I do things I actually like and Iām having fun doing them#I mentioned last night it felt weird how much I was writing and like huh I wonder if this is part of it#been playing lots of games too which has been fun#havenāt really been drawing cuz I already packed most art supplies but thatās fine#idk it would be nice if thatās part of what this is and it keeps upā¦.#kaz rambles
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not going to be online all that often anywhere (or if I am it will be sporadic) for a bit due for mental health/physical health reasons but dw im getting some help and I have people supporting me, just need to focus on recovering for a bit. doesnāt mean Iāll be unreachable or that Iāll never be online while Iām recovering just that Iām officially declaring that this is something I need to do for myself in order to actually make progress getting better
#Iāve already been very MIA but now Iām stating the reason and attempting for some level of accountability lol#depression meds stopped working I think. I have an appointment finally scheduled to see whatās going on#it feels like it did when I was in middle school/high school which was about the most depressed Iāve ever been in my life#close second to after Clover died but even then I didnāt feel so scattered to the wind#doesnāt help that my health has been getting worse so I can barely keep moving to feel better#I just got some fibro meds that will hopefully help with the pain#but itās hard to exist rn lol. like I said I will be ok I have lots of people supporting me I just need to focus on recovery#I just need to make sure Iām not falling apart like Iāve been doing bc I truly cannot continue this way#and Iām sick of not being able to function and feeling so angry and guilty abt that bc it hasnāt helped me recover#I need to be able to start the habit of functioning in a long term way that I can sustain#so that I can actually help others the way I want to
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!!!!!!!!! IM GETTING A PCP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#our equivalent to planned parenthood does pcps for trans-related healthcare#but they havenāt had space for new patients like. since I got back in town.#but theyāve hired a bunch of people and I HAVE A SLOT!!#I CAN EVEN CHOOSE WHICH ONE#IM GONNA MOVE FORWARD WITH TRANSITIONING#IM GONNA GET SOME PSYCH MEDS#IM GONNA GET ME A PROPER DIAGNOSIS FOR FIBRO AND MAYBE SOME DOCUMENTATION FOR MY ARTHRITIS SO I CAN GET CHEAP MASSAGES#bramble bramble#THIS IS BASICALLY BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAYS AND oh my god I am so old#idk everything lately (I say ālatelyā. over the past decade) has been a series of fuckups and failure to launches#Iāve hit a point where I kind of accepting nothing would ever get better and the best I could hope for was it wouldnt get worse#but maybe. just maybe. I can actually move forward with my life.#I can actually make things better for myself and the people around me
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster isš all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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I know I straight up disappeared for like... two weeks sos lol, but I've been putting my room together now I have a desk and a bed for the first time since I moved out of my student flat well over 18 months ago, and I have FINALLY got it all done (for now anyway, I'm absolutely skint this month and there's still a few things I need so I have to wait till I get some more money in a couple of weeks) and I'm sat writing at a DESK again and it's making me all š„¹š„¹š„¹
So yeah, I'm stuck at mum's for quite a while yet which I don't love but now I have my own space that's functional again, things aren't as bad as they could be š„°š©µ
#max rambles a lot#feeling very happy and content for a change#and also kind of relaxed which is sus and i don't trust it jdklfjldkg#i'm also off my meds which sounds like a bad thing but i actually feel better then when i was on them???#my sleep is trash now don't get me wrong but that's a temporary thing while i adjust to being off them#but yeah 2024 has been actually okay to start off with and it's got me nervous dkfljglfdkgd#just wish my besties hadn't moved further away so i could see them š„ŗš„ŗ ah well next month we'll hang and it'll all be good
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this september has been absolutely cursed so far. back to back misfortunes and setbacks.
the funniest one (or well, the one i can't help but laugh about) is how my new doc at the health center was gravely worried over my hemoglobin count. surely it is a sign my hrt dose is too high and all my organs are going to melt!
i have just recently graduated from the trans hrt specialty clinic after a long time of monitoring my hemoglobin and figuring out a dose that actually keeps me just above the lower threshold of the clinical range i'm aiming for. they figured my blood is just Like That as a genetic thing. the only time in my life i've had a hemoglobin count within the reference ranges is the few years when i ate mostly vegan and donated blood regularly. i was told by a school nurse at fifteen that i should donate blood when i turn 18 because my blood is so thick.
like it's p likely i was a bit dehydrated during that latest blood draw too. the doc needs to chill. there were much more worrying things in the results than the hemoglobin. stuff that's the actual reason i went to get the tests done.
but my blood being thick and rich like a luxurious vampire delicacy never fails to make me laugh
#overshare best share clearly#it's not super worrying#it's actually stuff that's been Going On for a long time (and actually been getting better lately)#mostly a combo of how i can't manage to eat right exercise enough and destress and that's taking a toll on my body#and then how my meds and the amount of pain meds i take for the migraines are hard on my liver#this all stops being funny real fast when you stop to think#about how a doctor is ignoring pain medication overuse and weight as problems (docs favorites)#in favor of seeing hrt as the culprit#(weight itself ofc isn't the problem here (or ever))#(my weight gain just happens to be the result of the same process that has fucked up other shit)#so you bet i'm going to donate blood and superhydrate myself before the next test i got scheduled for in month and a half
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hey does anyone know how weāre supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang weāre really in it now#i donāt think iāve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i canāt even pretend at work anymore#iām so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and itās not their fault theyāre just kids and theyāre tired and itās almost summer#but god i canāt fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class iām taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didnāt buy the textbook bc itās 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i canāt keep up with friendships and feel like iām constantly letting them down#and thereās nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i havenāt been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner whoās also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i donāt know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc iām so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i donāt have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad itās gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i canāt make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that theyāve stopped working#and yet i still worry that iām making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#itās very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like Iām faking it even though I know damn well I aināt scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and thatās integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing thatās provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know Iām not abusing any of these#Iām getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because iām better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DONāT STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c theyāre feeling better like babes thatās what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but itās REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ābut I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live withoutā like WHY BITCH#WE DONāT HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WEāRE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically itās really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are āfunā drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like Iām being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldnāt pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that itās arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying āohhhhh Iām awful and lazy and bad and abusing substancesā spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ājust as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it Iām not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no oneā#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me Iām going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldnāt be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadnāt been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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