#this actually has been getting better with meds
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"I don't know. She was so fun and full of life when we met. I hate that I took that away from her. Or made her feel like she had to give that up to be a mother"
"Apollo, you were both young when you got married"
".... Yes"
"Maybe she just grew up? People change over the years"
"I didn't"
"I'm sure that's not true"
"I was a horrible person when I was young. I was violent, angry, spoiled, entitled. When everything fell apart with my family, I spiraled. I started doing drugs, drinking.... I was still a piece of shit just in a different way. I eventually went to med school and got sober, became a better person, stopped hating myself as much"
"It sounds like you are proud of that"
"I was. I started dating Dio and things were good for a while. I was actually happy but he kept getting worse. Then my father came back and.... "
His therapist watched him, saying nothing as he eventually continued
"All those years of trying to get better was for nothing. Because if nothing else, he proved that the second I'm given the chance, I will always be the spoiled, arrogant, entitled piece of shit I have always been. I have always been selfish"
"Apollo, in the years I have known you, everything you have done has been for your family. That's not selfish"
Do you think covid existed in the Season? Do you think that for 2020-2021 Zeus couldn't host two Seasons. He had to wait until 2022 when restrictions finally lifted?
I'm gonna assume that covid didn't exist for my own sanity
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Anyway, so, the ridiculousness continues, because I got one day of feeling amazingly Not Winded Going Up A Flight Of Stairs when, hey, guess who got whammied with the cold that's been going around my family. I woke up feeling crappy, scratchy throat, like I was a centimeter off in my own skin, etc. I'm doing better now that I've gotten some cold drinks to soothe my throat, and I do still feel better, enough to have a handyman come over and install the light fixtures + tv mount and could actually stand there and help for more than five minutes before I was sweating and needed to sit down. Also this was my third day in a row of getting blood drawn (to make sure I'm heading in the right direction), I am beginning to feel like a bit of a pincushion, but overall good. I have gotten many comments of, holy shit, you look so much better, your color is so much better, and I have to laugh each time because I must have really looked like death warmed over for the last couple of years to get that comment as often as I have! Tonight is day three of taking my anxiety meds, I can't say I've noticed a difference yet (but I'm not expecting to for a couple of weeks), but WISH ME LUCK. I was even social today and talked to people. (Genuinely, the best tip I can give for socially anxious over-thinkers like me is, when they ask, "How are you today?" answer with an honest, "I'm really nervous about all of this, but doing my best to get through it." Then, if you're too quiet or say something odd, they know you're not an asshole, you're just nervous, and it makes you human and every medical personnel I've said this to has been extremely nice about it.) Also, I just cannot get over how much my appetite has decreased, in a good way. I still get hungry, I still eat, but I'm not constantly starving for something something something, usually something "with protein" (ie, some form of red meat). I can eat half as much steak/hamburger/whatever and be satisfied now and, look, I know it makes me look like a dumbass, but my slide into this was so gradual that I just thought, "Oh, that's just how I am. I like steak a lot, many people do!" BUT NOPE. SEVERE ANEMIA WAS PROBABLY SCREAMING, "BITCH, I AM STARVING HERE, DO SOMETHING." 😂 (But, seriously, I'm so baffled at how, HEY, I AM SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THIS TIME OF FEELING BETTER, but no I had to go and get a week long cold. To be fair, after getting the flu shot and COVID booster, it could be that just as much as the cold that's going around.)
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though 🙏 i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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Once again no crafts to update, but here’s those fish I drew yesterday!
#the person behind the yarn#fish#sometimes I draw a new thing and it feels like I’ve unlocked a new skill#like I’ll get a pop up that says unlocked: you can now draw billowing and spots. congratulations!#or something? idk I don’t play many video games so idk how the achievements are worded lol#I am on new meds for my Symptoms Disease and they are helping a lot but there’s always an adjustment period#because when my body starts functioning better than usual my executive function kinda spins out for a while?#it’s getting better! but crafting has been slow#I also got some blood test results back! I test positive for autoimmune antibodies#which is one of the first quantitative blood test results I’ve had EVER in over a decade#I’m trying not to get too excited before I talk to a doc#but it’s actually four different blood test results that are abnormal this time and all four point toward autoimmune#…plus several more that point to me being a little bit anemic
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blegh
#delete later#this is me just yelling into the void for a moment#but god I think I need to look into doing smth about my meds#:))) been on a steady mental health decline since at LEAST august#and it’s only gotten worse since the new year started cries#I’m trying to do homework and I can’t even focus on it#struggling so bad#but I don’t. trust anyone to actually talk and I’ve been pulling closer to myself#so I just bury myself in school and writing and distractions (there aren’t many)#I don’t know I think I’m tired#really tired of how things have been#how alone I feel#life has genuinely felt exhausting lately#all of my relationships feel so superficial with the exception of like. a small few#I want deeper connections but lately I feel like I’m just not built for friendship#it really feels like I’m just not supposed to have friends because I’m not a good one or I’m not a good person and I just Exist#in loneliness#and that hurts SO bad#can it please get better already#please#between online and irl I am at my limit T-T#ANYWAYS. back to being productive and doing stuff
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I’ve been trying not to think about it and get my hopes too high up but I realized that it’s been over a week since I’ve like, felt that “the world is caving in on itself” hurt, anxiety, and sadness. Tbh I’ve felt more…. Stable? Steady? Don’t feel like I’m wildly swinging between extreme moods every couple hours to couple minutes and I’ve been like huh that’s cool but also waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it to come back but then I realized this started a bit after all my med dosages got doubled and now I’m like. Holy god….. are they working???? Do meds actually fucking work???????
#again trying not to be tooooo hopeful this could be a coincidence and it’ll come back with a vengeance#but also I’m like. very odd that all of a sudden this stopped happening then#and I highly doubt I just magically got myself under control that quickly#like I mean yeah obviously I still get upset and sad and angry sometimes#but it doesn’t feel like I need to go fucking kill myself or like my insides are coming undone#and little things don’t send me spiraling like they were#on the one hand omg yay it would be so wonderful if the meds are actually helping now and I’m glad they might be#but also I feel a bit frustrated and sad because if I had been able to be on reliable medication before now….#maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad and certain things wouldn’t have happened#but…. no point in dwelling on that so I’m trying not to#just trying to be hopeful that some of the meds are actually doing what they’re supposed to#like not only just feeling better#I don’t come home and just sit in silence and stew in my own misery and make myself feel bad#I do things I actually like and I’m having fun doing them#I mentioned last night it felt weird how much I was writing and like huh I wonder if this is part of it#been playing lots of games too which has been fun#haven’t really been drawing cuz I already packed most art supplies but that’s fine#idk it would be nice if that’s part of what this is and it keeps up….#kaz rambles
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not going to be online all that often anywhere (or if I am it will be sporadic) for a bit due for mental health/physical health reasons but dw im getting some help and I have people supporting me, just need to focus on recovering for a bit. doesn’t mean I’ll be unreachable or that I’ll never be online while I’m recovering just that I’m officially declaring that this is something I need to do for myself in order to actually make progress getting better
#I’ve already been very MIA but now I’m stating the reason and attempting for some level of accountability lol#depression meds stopped working I think. I have an appointment finally scheduled to see what’s going on#it feels like it did when I was in middle school/high school which was about the most depressed I’ve ever been in my life#close second to after Clover died but even then I didn’t feel so scattered to the wind#doesn’t help that my health has been getting worse so I can barely keep moving to feel better#I just got some fibro meds that will hopefully help with the pain#but it’s hard to exist rn lol. like I said I will be ok I have lots of people supporting me I just need to focus on recovery#I just need to make sure I’m not falling apart like I’ve been doing bc I truly cannot continue this way#and I’m sick of not being able to function and feeling so angry and guilty abt that bc it hasn’t helped me recover#I need to be able to start the habit of functioning in a long term way that I can sustain#so that I can actually help others the way I want to
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!!!!!!!!! IM GETTING A PCP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#our equivalent to planned parenthood does pcps for trans-related healthcare#but they haven’t had space for new patients like. since I got back in town.#but they’ve hired a bunch of people and I HAVE A SLOT!!#I CAN EVEN CHOOSE WHICH ONE#IM GONNA MOVE FORWARD WITH TRANSITIONING#IM GONNA GET SOME PSYCH MEDS#IM GONNA GET ME A PROPER DIAGNOSIS FOR FIBRO AND MAYBE SOME DOCUMENTATION FOR MY ARTHRITIS SO I CAN GET CHEAP MASSAGES#bramble bramble#THIS IS BASICALLY BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAYS AND oh my god I am so old#idk everything lately (I say ‘lately’. over the past decade) has been a series of fuckups and failure to launches#I’ve hit a point where I kind of accepting nothing would ever get better and the best I could hope for was it wouldnt get worse#but maybe. just maybe. I can actually move forward with my life.#I can actually make things better for myself and the people around me
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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I know I straight up disappeared for like... two weeks sos lol, but I've been putting my room together now I have a desk and a bed for the first time since I moved out of my student flat well over 18 months ago, and I have FINALLY got it all done (for now anyway, I'm absolutely skint this month and there's still a few things I need so I have to wait till I get some more money in a couple of weeks) and I'm sat writing at a DESK again and it's making me all 🥹🥹🥹
So yeah, I'm stuck at mum's for quite a while yet which I don't love but now I have my own space that's functional again, things aren't as bad as they could be 🥰🩵
#max rambles a lot#feeling very happy and content for a change#and also kind of relaxed which is sus and i don't trust it jdklfjldkg#i'm also off my meds which sounds like a bad thing but i actually feel better then when i was on them???#my sleep is trash now don't get me wrong but that's a temporary thing while i adjust to being off them#but yeah 2024 has been actually okay to start off with and it's got me nervous dkfljglfdkgd#just wish my besties hadn't moved further away so i could see them 🥺🥺 ah well next month we'll hang and it'll all be good
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this september has been absolutely cursed so far. back to back misfortunes and setbacks.
the funniest one (or well, the one i can't help but laugh about) is how my new doc at the health center was gravely worried over my hemoglobin count. surely it is a sign my hrt dose is too high and all my organs are going to melt!
i have just recently graduated from the trans hrt specialty clinic after a long time of monitoring my hemoglobin and figuring out a dose that actually keeps me just above the lower threshold of the clinical range i'm aiming for. they figured my blood is just Like That as a genetic thing. the only time in my life i've had a hemoglobin count within the reference ranges is the few years when i ate mostly vegan and donated blood regularly. i was told by a school nurse at fifteen that i should donate blood when i turn 18 because my blood is so thick.
like it's p likely i was a bit dehydrated during that latest blood draw too. the doc needs to chill. there were much more worrying things in the results than the hemoglobin. stuff that's the actual reason i went to get the tests done.
but my blood being thick and rich like a luxurious vampire delicacy never fails to make me laugh
#overshare best share clearly#it's not super worrying#it's actually stuff that's been Going On for a long time (and actually been getting better lately)#mostly a combo of how i can't manage to eat right exercise enough and destress and that's taking a toll on my body#and then how my meds and the amount of pain meds i take for the migraines are hard on my liver#this all stops being funny real fast when you stop to think#about how a doctor is ignoring pain medication overuse and weight as problems (docs favorites)#in favor of seeing hrt as the culprit#(weight itself ofc isn't the problem here (or ever))#(my weight gain just happens to be the result of the same process that has fucked up other shit)#so you bet i'm going to donate blood and superhydrate myself before the next test i got scheduled for in month and a half
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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