#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying
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sabraeal · 1 year ago
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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ms-demeanor · 2 months ago
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hi, hopefully this isnt a stupid question -- this is only my second election i'm voting in, and i'm a little confused about results. is it actually confirmed that trump has won, or is it just almost certain based on the counted votes? bc i know that provisional ballots (like mine) probably arent immediately counted, and there was that thing about votes needing to be verified because of signatures, plus to my knowledge the electoral college doesnt vote til december? i'm probably just grasping at an infinitesimal chance of things not being shit, but also i do actually want to understand and google is not helping :( if you can't explain no worries, you just seem to be knowledgable & willing to answer questions haha
This is absolutely not a stupid question.
So everything is currently pointing at what is most likely, not at what is 100% certain, but it's like 99% certain. There are still votes being counted, but in the states where the election has been called it has been called either because enough of the ballots have been counted that the remaining count wouldn't change the results, or that the area is historically so strongly in favor of one party that it's exceptionally unlikely that they'd flip the other way (for example, they're still counting california's ballots but you're more likely to get struck by lightning five times today than california is to flip red in this election). The places that have not yet been called do not have enough electoral votes for Harris to win the election.
The electoral college is exceedingly unlikely to flip their votes against the state/district vote; "Faithless electors" is the term for members of the electoral college who would vote against the vote they are committed to for their region. It was something discussed in both the 2016 election and the 2020 election and flipping the electoral college without winning the election was the motivation behind J6. As shitty and bullshit as I think the electoral college is, if you're going to have one and you're going to have the rule of law, you can't hope for faithless electors because what you're hoping for at that point is that the people representing you are acting directly against the choice of the voters.
I want you to listen to me. I have been voting in presidential elections since 2004. Presidential elections always suck. Who the president is does matter, and does impact your life, but you genuinely do not have a ton of influence over that so you can't let it throw you into despair and inaction, because we should be active and political and protesting the wrongs of the world even if your favored political party wins. Vote in local elections, work with your local community, and if your local community sucks too, work with online communities to both give and get support.
Whenever something like this happens, people pass around the Mr. Rogers quote about looking to the helpers. I like that quote. I think it's good, I think it's hopeful, I think it helps! But I also think that sometimes it's even more effective if you look for how to help. Who are you the most scared for after this election? Who are you worried about in your community or among your friends? What can you do that might make their life easier? What can you do to protect people like that in your community? What don't you know that might make you better prepared to help them in the future?
One thing that I think is a fantastic way to prepare to help is to either begin or continue learning a language that you don't know. I am working hard on my Spanish because I live in California and there are a ton of Spanish speakers here who I might be able to help. Is it directly aiding anyone right at this second that I'm practicing conjugation? No. But it might help someone who is being harassed by a cop, or who is unhoused and needs help, or who is being abused by an employer at some point in the future, and I can get myself ready to help. Learn how to use naloxone and pick up up an inhaler; you might not need it now, but it'll make you ready to help someone who does need it. Order free covid tests every chance you get, even if you don't need them, because then you can give them out to people who do need them. Plan B has a multi-year shelf life. Pick some up so that you've got some on hand if someone needs it.
Maybe there's nothing you can do right at this exact second (though if you are able to donate to gender affirmation fundraisers, border kindness, abortion funds, bail funds, etc., you can absolutely do that), but you can get ready to help someone who will need you someday.
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heartsmadeofbooks · 20 days ago
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[New Story]: Through Crooked Aim.
Hi everyone! Hope you're all doing great.
I wanted to share with you the preview of my upcoming Klaine fic, Through Crooked Aim, which will start next week, Thursday December 12th.
This is a story that I've wanted to write for a while now, and I'm excited to finally get to share it with you all. I hope to see you next week for the first chapter.
Hope you like this little snippet. Story is beta'd by @christinejaneanderson and the picture for the preview was made by @nerdishedits.
See you on the 12th for a new adventure!
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The sun was hinting its presence in the horizon as the car took the last turn. The radio was playing softly in the background, the weather man of the usual show he listened to as he got his day started predicting a lovely April day, Spring in full swing, perhaps a bit chillier as the night returned to cover Lima, Ohio. But until then, it would be a warm, beautiful day – it made Kurt smile as he parked the car in his usual spot.
The diner looked good. They had given the exterior a new coat of paint just last month. The only thing that showed just how long it had been there was the sign on the roof, the one Kurt refused to change because it had been picked by his father, many, many years ago: the second m on Hummel’s was dimmer than the other letters. Kurt knew it could be easily fixed or replaced, but he refused to. Sometimes it was okay to choose history over esthetics.
And there was so, so much history here.
Hummel’s had been around for decades. It was the go-to diner for most of the residents of Lima, founded by his own father when he was barely out of high school. It had had a bumpy start – Kurt had heard the story ever since he could remember, how his father had turned years of savings and some money he’d gotten from his family after graduation, into his livelihood. It had been hard at first, doing everything himself because he couldn’t afford to hire any help, a few friends popping over here and there to help flip pancakes or make small repairs as Burt did everything else. Eventually, though, it began to grow, and Burt had enough money for new furniture, for a better grill, for a couple of waitresses. The business grew, and there had been plenty of sweat, tears and sleepless nights invested in it until it did. But Burt Hummel had been a proud man, and when things got hard, he worked harder, until he beat all the odds that had been against him.
“I didn’t have many choices after high school,” Burt had told his son on more than one occasion. “I knew I had to start my own business – I wasn’t exactly book smart, I’ve never been. For a while I entertained playing football in college, but then I got hurt during my senior year in high school so that was out. My dad owned a garage back then, and I thought about following in his footsteps, but there was enough competition in town that my dad was already struggling and going to work with him would have been a terrible idea. It was also probably a terrible idea to open my own diner – I didn’t even know how to cook, for god’s sake. I don’t even know where I got the idea to begin with. But I just knew I wanted my own business. And we all used to drive all the way to Kenton or even Dayton on the weekends for a good dating spot. There was nowhere decent to have a meal with your friends or your girlfriend here. I know you still call Lima a small town, but it certainly was small back then…”
For a younger Kurt, who dreamed of big cities filled with skyscrapers, Lima was certainly small – small-minded, too. He couldn’t imagine anything smaller than that.
Nowadays, Kurt wouldn’t think of Hummel’s as a dating spot, but he guessed back then it had been a pretty decent option, before places like Breadstix opened when he was a teenager, or even the Lima Bean, the local coffee shop that Kurt had loved when he was still in high school. Slowly, Hummel’s had become everyone’s go-to choice for a quick breakfast before school or work, or even a dinner stop at the end of a long day. Everyone had loved Burt Hummel – he had been a bit gruff, but always decent and kind and he would always sneak an extra scoop of ice-cream on every kid’s order of waffles.
A couple of years ago, that thought had sent a pang through Kurt, ache and grief mixing to make everything in him feel tight, tight, tight. Now, it had dulled into a manageable ache, and he was able to smile whenever one of the patrons shared a memory of his father with him. He still missed him – what he wouldn’t give to get one more hug, one more piece of advice, to hear his laughter once again – but it didn’t take his breath away, as it used to.
Kurt unlocked the door and went into the diner, turning every light on as he went. First order of business, every morning, was to turn the coffee machine on, so he went straight to it on the counter and got it started before he went into the office to leave his bag. As the scent of freshly brewed coffee began to fill the empty diner, he started to take the chairs down from the tables, getting everything ready for the first few customers, who would surely be here soon.
The inside of Hummel’s had a classic American diner vibe. In recent years, Kurt had only allowed himself to change a few things in the décor, mostly those that were too worn with age. He kept all the framed photographs that filled one of the walls, though, the ones that showed the history of his family with this place. He had only added a few, marking the moment he had taken over the diner after his father got sick and eventually passed away. Now, alongside pictures of his parents in their 20s, you could find pictures of Kurt’s twin daughters sitting side by side on the counter, or of his husband, Ryan, helping to fix a leak in the kitchen sink. His chest filled with pride as he stared at them, as he did each morning – he had never imagined they would end up here, and yet now… well, he couldn’t picture himself elsewhere.
The little bell above the door twinkled as it opened. Kurt turned and smiled at Marley, the morning shift waitress, as she came in. She was already wearing the dark blue uniform, her hair pulled up in a pony tail. She was also a recent addition to Hummel’s. Kurt liked her – she was kind and quick and responsible, and she was never late. Whenever he had to hire someone new, he wondered whether his father would approve. He thought he had nailed it with Marley.
About a minute after she had arrived, the door opened again and Blaine Anderson walked in.
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udretlnea · 1 month ago
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The Divine City, Interlude Quest: Dormiens Factorem
Previous page \ Next page \ Prologue
(Words: 2.7k)
(Edit: I added more explanations to the Author’s Notes. Check it out for more insights about this chapter. Additionally, I deleted the interaction scene with Henry, Cecilia, Lyla, and Guy because - after checking my notes - that would’ve seriously ruined the pacing. (their interactions aren’t until later don’t worry).
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(Disclaimer: This work is non-canon to the plotline of the Divine City by yuriisclumsy)
For anyone with siblings, one thing was consistent: they were a constant test of patience. Or if they didn’t have siblings they had that one friend who was practically sibling-coded. For Henry, he knew better than anyone what it was like to have a hyperactive little brother. Especially when said brother asks ridiculous questions like -
“Big bro, why can’t we just let the cows free and let them establish a brand new nation with the new milk element?” Henry paused mid-throw as he processed his little brother’s words.
The teen scoffed, amused more than confused. “Because they have no experience in ruling an entire nation, let alone harnessing the power of a new element.”
Henry was - as family - already used to his sibling’s more…imaginative daydreams. There was little he could do about it other than entertain them (Such is the need to have patience when you had siblings).
He continued his task of refilling the cow feed in the pen. One-two-one-two-one-two.
“Hey, rebel dingus, can you toss me that bucket?” 
“I’m no rebel! I’m future supervisor Bobby of the new cow republic!” He puffed out his chest and brushed back his dirty blonde hair with a hand. “Nobody can tell me what to do except-”
“Guy,” Henry said almost impatiently. He swore he could feel the threads of his patience begin to unravel. “Bucket. Please.”
His little brother wordlessly hopped off the fence, grabbed a nearby empty bucket and handed it off. 
Henry strolled over to the nearest cow and - having put a stool in advance - sat down to start milking. The liquid poured into the bucket without much ceremony. Distantly, Henry could hear his little brother start humming. 
Nothing much else to do while the rest of the adults take care of the harvest, he thought. 
Mornings are often this: After finishing this one chore, it’s on to the next. The two work in tandem cleaning the pens, gathering eggs, and taking care of the livestock. As Henry is patiently tending to the horses, Guy is excitedly and quickly sweeping up dust and sticks. The cries of birds, cows, pigs, and sheep fill the air. It’s a generally lively and pleasant day filled with things the two can expect.
“Ya think mom and dad will take us to see the parade?” asked Guy.
“That’s not until December. And yeah, probably,” Henry answered. He grabbed a brush and began gently brushing the horse. A memory of last year began to play in his head, one filled with warmth and whimsy. “I love that parade. I’ve been looking forward to it ever since the harvest started.”
“Me too. The food was very yummy. Can you believe Fontainians can eat cake every day?”
Henry raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “No way they do that.”
“Yes way! I heard it from a - a riputable source!” 
“Sure dingus. Maybe when we visit Fontaine we can ask to get those special 16-slices of cake that you can only get per day,” he dryly remarked.
Guys eyes lit up in what he could only describe as pure innocence. “Yeah!”
Henry chuckled. Setting the brush down they collected their things and headed out for their next assignment. The house needed to be cleaned, and luckily it was just right across the barn. He inhaled the morning air - savoring the scent of pine - and looked up at the sky. Maybe after this we can sneak into town and nab some cookies off someone’s window.
The teen was in high spirits and his head was filled with bright thoughts of mischief.
At least, until he heard the sound of wood and stone exploding in the distance. The two brothers froze in place and snapped their heads to the right where the path rose into a hill. For just five seconds everything was quiet. And then they felt the ground rumble. Henry put a hand on Guy’s shoulder as he braced himself. 
In the distance, a cloud of dust was kicked up. Henry widened his eyes as he witnessed tens of sheep racing down the hill. Whatever spooked them had caused them to break away 
- And into the brothers’ path.
Henry grabbed Guy’s hand. “Move move move!” 
They barely made it to the other side when the animals sprinted past them, followed closely by a couple dogs and several people carrying rope. The two passively observed them chase.
Excitement welled within Henry’s gut that compelled him to do what he was about to do.
“Guy, go inside and tell Mom I’m following them. Now.”
“Wait what - hey! Henry!”
Without even looking back, Henry ran after them.
As he caught up to the tail end, some of the sheep had broken off leading the others to chase them. The majority of them still ran straight. Henry managed to catch up to a young woman who acknowledged him with a quick glance.
“What - what the heck is going on?” he gasped out.
The lady bared her teeth, but it was out of frustration and had no bite. “I don’t know! Everything happened so suddenly! One minute we were helping the harvest and the next thing I knew a whole herd of sheep got loose and ran away!”
“Oh, it’s going to be one of those days where something weird happens and we have to work together to fix it,” Henry said almost tiredly.
“Eh, personally I find it fun! Keeps things interesting.”
Henry dryly chuckled. “Same! Ya can’t get any more fun out here.”
“Aight, enough yapping. I’ll take that group while you take the ones ahead.” The young woman ran to the right to corral more sheep that had broken off.
Henry saw three sheep running away and straight into a small forest. Cursing under his breath, he stopped to catch his breath. 
Henry greedily gulped down air. He hadn’t run this hard since that three-legged race with the rest of the kids. Henry wiped his brow, slick with sweat, then observed the forest in front of him. 
He remembered this place as where everyone would sometimes play hide ‘n seek. It wasn’t terribly dense, but still thick enough in some places. But now something was different about it.
The air exuding out of it felt…commanding, like a king to his people except he was kind of scary about it. What was that word? Opp - oppresi-something?
Maybe it was a trick of the mind, but he can’t let anything stop him now.
“Is this where the sheep went?” asked Guy.
“Yeah, they went - wait WHAT!?” Henry’s head swiveled to his left. To his utter shock and surprise, Guy was there. “How did you - where did you - why are you - ?”
“Mom told me to follow you in case you needed help. She’s back there calling dad,” he plainly explained. 
“I - you know what, fine. You can come with me, but you're sticking close to me.” Guy nodded. 
Guy wordlessly slipped his hand into Henry’s. Then, the two marched straight into the forest.
///////////////
The two brothers quietly marched down the trail. Their eyes darted to and fro from every direction; the atmosphere — previously light and calm — became charged with anxiety. 
Guy huddled closer to Henry. 
The teen gave a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t worry. Once we find the sheep, we’ll be out of this creepy forest.”
Seriously though, when did it get so weird? It’s almost dark here despite it nearing noon. He steps over a particularly large root and carries Guy over it. He’s just about to take another step when he hears it.
SNAP
A couple feet away, right in front of him, a branch breaks. 
Both freeze as they hear footsteps come closer. A vague outline forms in their line of sight as it steadily grows clearer and clearer to reveal —
Baaaaa
A fluffy white sheep with a bell around its neck saunters over with the air of a prince. It regards them like he just reunited with his retainers. There's a collar on it; it reads Lambchops.
Guy sighs. “Oh it’s just one of the sheep.”
Henry makes an exasperated noise. “Of course. Of course it’s the sheep. I mean, what else would it be? A Hilichurl? They don’t even get this far into the city!”
The teen laughs his anxieties off while the lamb just stares at them expectantly. 
“So what do we do now? Should we have him follow us while we search for the rest?”
Henry thinks for a second before shaking his head. “No. Here’s what we’re going to do: You’re going to take this guy back to the farm and get more help. The more bodies combing the forest the better. Meanwhile, I’m going to head further in and try to find the rest.”
Henry pauses to process what he just said before adding, “How many sheep are left to find exactly?”
“Three, including Lambchops.”
“Great. That just leaves two more.” Henry gently reaches a hand to help guide Lambchops who steps to Guy without complaint. “Are you okay with this? I can guide him out with you and get help together.”
Guy shakes his head. “Nah, I’ll be alright. Remember who won that test of courage two months ago?”
“Of course. How can I forget how you lauded around the fields wearing a paper crown and cape bossing everyone around for a week?” Henry flatly stated.
“Ahhh,” Guy blows a raspberry as he pushes Lambchops gently toward the exit. “That was fun and you know it! I’ll be back soon! Don’t die!”
With that cheerful note, Henry is alone.
He feels a chill down his spine. Henry has to fight his mind from coming up with spooky what-ifs to keep him grounded.
“Alright, let’s go find the rest.”
The next sheep is thankfully not that far and Henry calmly guides it by a rope still attached to its collar. Unfortunately, that’s when his luck ends because he can’t seem to find any more hints pointing toward the last one. Henry shivered and took a quick glance up. He cursed when he saw dusk already turning to night.
This is great. I can’t - I can’t go back with just one sheep. And where the heck is the help? He thought impatiently.
SNAP
The teen and the sheep froze. He whipped his head toward the direction and gasped. 
There, some meters to his left was a thicket that showed signs of something passing through. Henry squinted until the pressure on his eyes made his sight blurry, but he thought he saw a familiar round shape. 
“Finally…!” He muttered. Excitement welled up within him and he walked toward the thicket. He could see it now, coming out of the forest just in time for the others to arrive, and handing the sheep off. And then a nice warm dinner at home as Guy recounted the story with…with…!
What in the name of the creator am I looking at?
It should’ve been a sheep, but it wasn’t. Instead it was glowing purple and seemed to. Its skin was a dark shade of violet and its hooves were…webbed feet?! 
And then - as if sensing his presence - it turned its head to him. Henry covered his mouth with a hand. It was all he could do to prevent his breakfast from coming back up.
Two sets of yellow eyes with slit pupils looked at him. If he squinted, Henry could see what was supposed to be a sheep’s face, but the horn in the middle of its forehead was messing it up. He looked at the neck to see if - yeah, there was a collar there.
Just when it seemed like things couldn’t get any weirder Henry finally noticed the purple mist blanketing the ground. The sheep stepped to the right and the teen laid eyes on a glowing black cube with purple glowing runes. (At least he assumed they were).
The moment he laid eyes on it he heard it.
It was a small, velvet-y voice that whispered in his ear.
Pick it up, it said. Henry felt a pressure on his hand as he was dragged - no, guided to the cube. 
The regular sheep stood behind him, observing quietly.
Another step. And another until Henry could crouch down and hold it in his hands. He did just that when both sheep suddenly bellowed. The purple mist and runes suddenly glowed with new intensity. Henry shut his eyes as the light got as bright as the sun. The last thing he felt was the grass.
///////
Ah. It’s you.
So, how’s it feel?
Is it everything you ever asked for and more?
Aye, thought as much. Those upgrades I gave you really lended you an edge over that dastard. Hahaha…
Thanks to you, we have a shot of rebuilding. It won’t be like it used to, but so long as the foundation’s there our home will still stand.
So then, I guess that’s it. You’ll be executing your plan of escape huh?
I wish I could come with you, but I’m afraid I’m more suited here. Still, good luck mate. Oh, one more thing. I know those souls outside this vault seem scary, but I ask that you don’t be too hard on them.
I’m sure they’re similar to you in some respects.
I won’t be hard on them, but I can’t promise anything if they attack me first. Besides, what I’m looking for out there is nothing profound or special. What I truly want -
Is to take back my lost time.
//////////
Henry didn’t remember what happened after that. It was all a daze. One minute he was walking out of the forest with both sheep, the next he was getting lectured by his dad while his mom checked him for injuries. He’d been impulsive before, but this time was different. 
He tried to think back to his earliest memory.
There was this weird looking sheep…purple mist…a black cube that he picked up. Wait, where did he put it?
Curiosity and awareness filled his youthful mind. He certainly didn’t feel it on his person. Did he give it to Guy? To that lady? Or maybe he dropped it -
“Henry, are you listening?” says his father. The teen regards the man - wide shoulders, nigh-bulging muscles, tanned skin, and calloused hands. Despite the obvious difference in size, he’s gently rubbing circles into Henry’s hand.
In lieu of an answer the teen nods. 
Henry’s father sighs. “Why don’t you get some sleep bud? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. 
But I still have chores to do! As Henry opens his mouth, his father speaks before him.
“Don’t worry about your chores. I’ll take care of ‘em.”
Henry just hums; he’s too exhausted to care. He goes to his room and climbs in bed. After ten minutes of staring at the ceiling he manages to fall asleep.
///////
Thank you.
///////
Elsewhere, two hooded figures sprinted back across the bridge and into the defunct service tunnel.
Any bystanders would’ve noticed their cloaks were singed near the edges. They were so focused that they didn’t see the purple bird carrying a black cube in its beak, flying over the city wall.
///////
High above the city, a pair of eyes was watching a screen. It let out a couple of beeps, signaling that something changed.
A female in what almost passed as scientific uniform quickly hailed the Acting Director. “Acting Director, we’ve got readings.”
There was a brief flash of small light as an almost childlike figure instantly appeared by her side. “Show me.”
Tack tack tack tack
“Oh no, please don’t tell me - “
“It’s going inside the city,” She confirmed.
The Acting Director grimaced. “...Well shit - pull back everyone. Get ‘em back here. I’m going by myself. And keep scanning. Notify me of any changes.”
“Understood,” There was a beeping in her ear that she put a finger to. “Oh, squad 3 had a run-in with some civilians.” 
Marc raised an eyebrow. “How bad?”
“They got spooked, that’s all.”
“...Keep an eye on them for three more days. If they make too much of a ruckus I want them here and their memories scrubbed.”
“Yes sir.”
Marc nodded, already turning to leave. I’m fine. It’ll be fine. The creator isn’t even in the city - isn't even here so there can’t be anyone with sufficient power to open it.
And then Marc remembered that Teyvat was a fantastic place where coincidence was another word for fate. Things happened for a reason. If things were consistent like back home, the vault could be opened.
He growled. Best to be quick about it, then.
His body blinked out of the room.
//////////
A/N: 
Inspired by The Divine City by @yuriisclumsy
Ta-da! Revealing Henry’s little brother’s name. Also, I tried to execute how it felt to have a little brother; using some of my own experiences definitely helped and I hoped I achieved that. 
Yeah, peasant life is full of work. That’s what I wanted to convey.
I hope the sheep scene weirded at least one person out. I know I would if I found a mutated animal.
Hmm…odd how Ceci and Lyla’s cloaks are burnt. I wonder what caused that?
Up next, we’ll check in with Andre, Hugh and…Emery?! I swear there’s an important reason we’re going to them before we check in on Ceci and Lyla. Please bear with me!
Remember: If you have questions, comments, or critiques post them! They help keep me motivated! 
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bellaswan-kinnie · 1 year ago
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jack antonoff being messy pt. 3,546
forever icon jack antonoff has given us some earth-shaking information to commemorate the release of you're losing me on streaming and once again my understanding of the midnights album has been upended. she's truly the album that keeps on giving!!
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(everything i'm about to say is speculative i realize i don't actually know this woman i just treat her music like a scholarly text)
when midnights first came out i went along with her sneaky deception that the songs were just reflections on sleepless nights from her past for the sake of a cool concept album, not really considering why she'd be fixating on past relationships and events. then when the news broke in april that it was joever, the album made so much more sense to me. i believed that taylor was reminiscing on these nights to understand why her current relationship with joe was unraveling, examining her psyche both independently of and in the context of dating. the album is her asking herself "who am i and how did i get here?"
after the revelation that you're losing me was written and recorded on december 5th, 2021, almost a year before midnights was released and a year and a half before the breakup was reported, i still think my second assessment is likely accurate, but it muddies the waters when it comes to when exactly they broke up.
i kind of always suspected that april was not the real end date of their relationship, since the announcement was largely spurred on by joe's noticeable absence from the vip tent at all of the eras tour shows. originally i assumed they had broken up just before the tour started, but now i think it was mid-late 2022, around the time midnights was finalized and then released.
(remember it took 5 months for the public to find out about their relationship in the first place. my girl can hide things when she wants to!!)
the fact that taylor didn't release you're losing me until after her breakup with joe was public tells me that she wasn't ready to admit that her and joe weren't going to make it at the time of the album's completion. she also probably didn't want to share the details publicly, since the breakup was much fresher in relation to the album's release than it typically has been in the past (also more drawn out and difficult).
labyrinth now sounds to me like it was written during a breather from the turmoil, "i thought the plane was going down, how'd you turn it right around." the lyric "oh no, i'm falling in love again" could imply a rekindling of the honeymoon phase in their relationship, a new "lavender haze" she wanted to cling onto against her better judgement. she knew there were major problems, but she had put so much time and effort into their life together that she kept trying to make it work anyway. "do i throw out everything we built or keep it?" also the consistent use of "you" in the song instead of a "him" vs. "you" situation tells me that it's about one man, not her falling in love with a new guy after a breakup.
i used to think maroon was a reflection on the relationship with jake gyllenhaal since maroon is a darker shade of red, but now i'm fully on board with it being about joe. first of all she calls the man poor again, and i can't imagine jake gyllenhaal having a roommate at that age and point in his career. the lyrics also imply a bit of infidelity on her part, "the mark they saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones," which i've theorized was a major factor in the beginning of their relationship (hiddleswift u will always be iconic).
anti-hero and dear reader show that (at least at some point) she really blamed herself for the failure of this relationship, both songs being filled with self-loathing and self-doubt. mastermind and you're losing me also reference her tendencies for scheming and people-pleasing.
you're losing me is the most explicit illustration of why they eventually broke up, but it's point of view kind of goes back and forth. she switches between past and present tense, still unsure if it's really over yet. i've seen people talk about how it was written a week after taylor visited joe in panama where he was filming a movie along with a bunch of other songs, so that time of separation must have been very eye-opening to her.
there's a lot more re-re-fathoming i'm gonna have to do but i'm understanding more and more why this album is kinda confusing in its storytelling. that woman was going through it!!!
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nightmaretist · 11 months ago
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TIMING: Mid-December PARTIES: Zofia @zofiawithaz & Inge @nightmaretist LOCATION: Dance Macabre/the streets around said bar SUMMARY: Inge finds Zofia in the undead nightclub by accident and addresses her — the two string up a conversation and find common ground. CONTENT WARNINGS: None.
Dance Macabre always enveloped her with welcome arms, it seemed. Inge didn’t really wish to go out in any place else in this godforsaken town, as she kept finding herself looking over her shoulder. Here, though, her kind gathered and here, she was certain she could find some kind of sanctuary. Nothing perfect, nothing that didn’t make her wonder if perhaps she should be looking out for that Cortez, that Rhett, that Owen.
She was in a good mood, all things considered. The alcohol helped. As did the relative absence of Christmas decorations in this place. But she was still alert, at least somewhat, and when she passed by a woman introducing herself to another as Zofia she halted, turning on her heel. Inge took her in, this dark-haired beauty and went over all she knew.
A woman scorned, a woman maimed, a woman seemingly maddened — these were all grounds for her hard-to-gain sympathy. But then she had undone Cassius, hadn’t she? And so, her empathy ended before it could even properly begin. She mixed herself into the conversation with little hesitation, not having struggled with taking up space in at least a few decades. “So you’re the elusive Zofia,” she said, extending a hand when she’d like to raise it to smack the other like she’d smacked Cassius. “Ingeborg.” She was sure to squeeze tight and smile sweet. “Heard a lot about you.”
___
Zofia needed a fucking drink. 
She’d finally obtained some clothing that didn’t look as though it had taken a trip to hell and back and was also her own taste. She’d traded in the jeans and t shirt she’d been given by Alistair for some new finery the moment she’d had the means to do so. Donned in sheer black lace cut in a deep v down her chest, maroon pants, and red lipstick, she felt more herself than she had in an eternity. 
Sat at the bar, she kicked one leg over the other as she surveyed the space. No familiar faces. For the best, probably. She wasn’t sure she could deal with complicated reunions and questions of where she’d been. Or worse, running into those she’d already seen since she’d been back. 
She flicked her dark hair over her shoulder, downing the last of her drink. She felt a tap on her shoulder and a face she didn’t recognize asked if she was someone named ‘Jessica’. Did she look like a Jessica? “No. I’m Zofia. Sorry.” The stranger went on their way, and Zofia went back to her drink. 
Her name carried over the music from a voice she hadn’t heard before, and Zofia felt as though she’d been doused in ice water. She went still as a statue, fighting every urge to hastily dispatch whoever it was and get the fuck out of there. But that would cause a scene, and scenes were bad for people trying not to be hunted again. That and something about promising to try and better herself and then lashing out sat wrong with her. A fake smile gritted across her face, appearing more like the bared teeth of a wild animal. 
She turned, taking in the other woman, trying to assess if she was a threat or not. “I’m at a disadvantage, Ingeborg.” She took the woman’s hand, giving it a shake. “You seem to know me, but I don’t know you.” Her eyes narrowed. “So who sent you?”
_____
Was she a bad friend, for being intrigued by this elusive creature? Sofie, the person she’d only ever known as Cassius’ disappeared lover as he’d never introduced them. Zofia, the person who had left him crumbled upon her return. Were there other versions of her out there, just like she carried her past versions with her? Nika Beinhacker, Ingeborg Beenhakker-de Jong, Ivonne Coëme and now Inge Endeman, all different editions of the same person. Who was this Zofia and perhaps more pressingly, why was she?
And she did resent her, this vampire who had hurt someone she cared for. But another part was intrigued, the way she often was. In a way that went against better judgment, in a way that made her cross whatever boundaries she may have set for herself. Inge had never been a person of very strong principles. She followed her heart, and if not, she followed her desire for whimsy, inspiration and distraction. She wasn’t sure win what category the vampire fell, yet.
The other didn’t seem quite as charmed by her, as it turned out, and Inge was intrigued by this. She was quick to take the seat next to the vampire, settling easily as she crossed her legs and considered her drink options. That could come later, though.
“Oh, no, no. No one send me. I am not someone who is sent.” She gave a knowing smile, which hardly revealed anything. Perhaps she should try harder at not seeming like a hunter type, but the notion of her being anything like a hunter was so offensive to her that she hardly considered it. She turned her attention to the barkeep, ordering another round of, “Whatever she’s having, for the both of us.” 
Then, back to Zofia. Sophie. Sofieke. Whoever. “We have a mutual …” Inge thought for a moment, then shrugged, deciding against a label, “Cassius. I heard you went through quite an ordeal, but …” Tsk, her lips clicked together. “Have been causing a stir yourself. That’s all. I figured we should meet and hey, here you are.”
————-
She was pretty. About the same height as her, with big brown eyes and auburn hair. Zofia’s eyes flickered from feature to feature, looking for any clues as to what she was, and what she was up to. She had come to Dance Macabre, so there was a good chance the woman no longer had a pulse. Or she was a hunter who was running the risk of being caught for the sake of staking out a target. Literally. 
The stranger ordered another round, and a few moments later two dry vodka martinis with lemon twists floating on top were set before them. Good. The drink would make whatever this was about to be more tolerable. 
At the sound of an all too familiar name, Zofia took a lengthy sip of her drink. “I imagine whatever you heard of my ordeal is lacking in details.” Another lengthy sip as she started thinking of an exit strategy. There had to be other places to drink in this town where she wasn’t likely to get a stake in her chest. Or that didn’t have friends of Cassius lurking to confront her for her actions at their little reunion. 
Perhaps, on second thought, being staked would be preferable.
“So you are a friend of his?” She asked. It wouldn’t surprise her. Cassius, after all, was a good person. A kind person. A person who frequented all the same spots as her- how the hell was she going to find new places to go when only a handful of places were designed for undead clientele?!
__________
She gave a hum of approval at the drinks that appeared, taking her glass and taking a small sip. The vampire had good taste, that at least could be said. Inge could appreciate that. As for who she was and what she’d gone through and done subsequently — well, she hadn’t quite made up her mind. For all the love she had for Cassius, she did sometimes think his judgment to be rather poorly. (Which in Zofia’s case could be a blessing or a curse.)
Not that Zofia’s judgment seemed all that sound. Leaving bodies around for a past lover was admirable on a dramatic level, but otherwise a rather outrageous action. “Well, they do say every story has many sides. I’ve heard his.” Inge shrugged. “I am not opposed to hearing yours.”
And that was true. She had been in a position like this before, hadn’t she? Escaped from hunters, her mind frazzled and not quite her own. Looking over her shoulder. She was a solitary creature, one of little loyalties, but she did feel a kinship with her fellow undead — most especially when they had fallen into the claws of some cruel slayers. “What I do know is that hunters can do a number on you. Irregardless of whatever else.”
Inge nodded, circling the rim of her glass. “Yes. But like I said, he didn’t send me. It’s — well, pure coincidence.” She smiled, as if it was a lucky and happy accident. She considered rubbing in the other’s face that Cassius was properly heartbroken, but swallowed the words. 
———
The music changed in the club to something with a consistent pulsing beat. It made Zofia’s skin crawl. She lifted the glass in a half-salute before downing another sip, trying to chase the thoughts away. 
Her eyebrow raised over the lip of her martini glass as the other woman offered to listen to her story. “Are you asking out of morbid curiosity?” The music thumped on. Her eyes closed, her face screwing up in concentration as she tried to shove away the matching plink plink plink of leaky pipes in her mind. The tempo changed and the thoughts subsided. 
A sad smile settled on her face. So that was it. She sat back in her seat, her hackles no longer completely raised. “They certainly can.” She sighed. “Tell me, how old are you?” Zofia cocked her head to the side. How much had she experienced? How much running, how much fear? How much living had she done?
She hummed, unamused. It figured that the universe would have a warped sense of humor. Depositing friends of his directly into her path. “It’s a small world, after all.” Zofia glanced around the space, trying to determine who else might be a friend of Cassius’s, intent on coming over and reminding her of what she’d done just by announcing his name. “Care to take this conversation outside? It’s quieter.” And less of a chance of being overheard. And there were more routes for a quick escape.
———
Many things Inge did were out of morbid curiosity. She’d watched a zombie maul a man because of it, just as she’d entered Parker’s workshop because something within her needed to be satiated. But this wasn’t really one of these cases — whatever Zofia had done and gone through wasn’t bound to stir her to her core like a hunter’s place for torture, after all.
Maybe it was simple solidarity. She did think that important among her fellow undead and besides, she could not help but draw a parallel between what she’d heard about Zofia and what she herself had gone through. “No. Curiosity, yes. Morbid, no.” 
Some relief seemed to spread through the other which was a welcome sight. Inge didn’t mind people being distrustful of her, but she disliked it a little when it came to people like Zofia. Undead. “Almost eighty,” she said, knowing it could be relatively young by certain standards. “What about you?”
She nodded. “Exactly.” Never mind that Zofia had returned to Wicked’s Rest, rather than flee to another town — which is what Inge would have done, in her shoes. Always running, barely ever returning in case of what if. She considered the other’s proposition. “What do you suggest? An alley, in stead?” That wasn’t particularly safe, either. “A quieter place would do, though. We could go for a walk?” 
________
Zofia could respect curiosity. A little. She thought. But what good had sharing the little details of her life done for her in the past? Gotten her friends? Maybe so. But where had those friends been when she’d needed them? She took another long sip of her drink. 
Almost eighty. The ‘almost’ drew a smile from the vampire. It reminded her of when little children insisted they were almost the age they’d be in eleven months, which meant they were practically a grown up. Of course, almost eighty was long past childhood. Long enough to experience, long enough to grieve, to love, to mourn, to hurt… But still young. It was closer to childhood than Zofia had been in a long, long time. “Three hundred fourteen. Three hundred fifteen in the new year.” 
Taking one last sip of her drink, she set some money down on the bar before sliding off her chair. “A walk sounds good.” Moving was good. Moving meant if she was being followed she would notice sooner rather than later. She slipped her coat on, wrapping herself in the burgundy wool, even if the cold night air wouldn’t really bother her. She extended her arm for the other old woman to link her arm through before heading out the door. “I’m sure you have questions.” She sighed, glancing back at the other woman. “Will you ask them now, or shall I start at the beginning?”
_______
Oh, she was old. Properly old. Inge felt a tinge of inferiority spread through, almost wished she had lied about her age — seventy seven was still just a human age, one that people lived to with some back pain and complaint but generally little issue. But being over three centuries old, now that was an accomplishment.
But she swallowed her insecurity and gave a look that did reveal her being impressed, “Good job on sticking around for so long.” Not everyone managed, did they? She’d known undead like them to lose their minds in their immortality. Though that might be a kinder fate than having your head chopped off. She thought of Sanne, how there had been a small moment of her head falling before she’d turned into dust. 
She threw down some money as well, still wanting to pay for the round she’d ordered on proud principle and wrapped her own body in her leather trenchcoat. She’d gotten it in the nineties. Inge stared at the arm offered to her, bemused and surprised by this move, and took it. If it was a challenge, she’d meet it. If it wasn’t, then she wasn’t sure what it was. Once the night air greeted them, it seemed the conversation was bound to properly start. “I’d rather you tell it however you want. I know speaking of such matters isn’t always the most … easy.” She certainly did not talk of the ways hunters haunted her, still. “Speak, if you’re fine with that. If you’d rather have questions, sure. Start with what happened.”
________
Zofia snorted. “It goes by in a blink.” She’d heard it said so many times over the years, from people with white hair that spilled around faces with lines and wrinkles. People with eyes that spoke of a wealth of human joys and sorrows. She wondered what her eyes spoke of. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know anymore.
Ingeborg linked her arm in Zofia’s, and the vampire led on. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, she sang over and over in her thoughts. She didn’t know if she had friends any longer. It was safer to keep everyone so very very close. The closest of enemies, so that she could see the cogs tick in their minds, so she could figure out the trap before it snapped shut with her inside. 
She sucked the cold night air in, embracing the chill. “It’s a story that started some time ago.” Zofia said simply. “You would have been a young thing. Maybe in your twenties. I had a family. A family that I chose, and for hundreds of years a family that continued to choose me. And god, did we live.” A wistful smile stole at her features, only to be swept away as the story continued. “Someone plucked them all away from me. Dead. Missing. Who’s to say, really. I never saw them again, and I gave up hope that they’d ever turn up a long time ago.” 
“And then I started to rebuild. Let myself enjoy life again. Enjoy love. And…” She cut herself off, her eyes darting toward an alley at the sound of a crunch. She watched, waiting for the trap to spring to life. A rat skittered out of a dumpster with some papers in its little mouth, squeaking as it scampered away with its prize. She continued walking.
“It was dark there. You’d think I wouldn’t mind the dark, since I can’t enjoy the sun anymore. You’d think it would have been a wonderful little respite. But it’s never been fully dark out here. I’ve always had the stars… the moon…” Zofia looked up at the distant, twinkling lights. A reminder that she had found a way out. “A dark, small room. A bunker, really. In the ground, deep down, below some old cabin in the woods. Probably long since forgotten by everyone in this damned town, except  for the monsters who hunt things like us.”
“They were looking for information.” She continued, not wanting to live in the details for any longer than what was necessary. “They used all the tricks of their trade. All the things they knew could hurt, to try and figure out where the members of my clan, my family, had hidden themselves away. I was the easiest to find. The easiest to catch. The weakest remaining link. And they tried so very hard to break me.” Her voice wobbled. She stopped talking for a few minutes, refusing to cry in front of a stranger, especially one who’s knowledge of Zofia consisted of information gained from a love story that had ended spectacularly badly. “They succeeded. Just not in the way they were hoping.” 
She couldn’t always see them. Couldn’t always hear them. But she knew they followed. The ghosts that had visited her. Haunted her. Watched her, unable or unwilling to help. She could see them now. Lurking just at the corner of her vision. Still not helping. Still not quite comforting. Simply watching. Waiting. Zofia fixed her gaze on the woman who’s presence she’d proven to herself was real when she’d taken her arm. “What questions do you have.”
__________
“So they say,” Inge said. And she supposed on one hand life had flown by. How many years had it been since her daughter had died? Since Sanne? Since she had died? It all still felt like something that had happened not much longer than a few weeks ago while simultaneously feeling like a lifetime ago. Decades stretched, decades melted together. Time was an incomprehensible thing, both in dreams and in real life. 
As the other started speaking she moved with her in tandem. She had always envied the vampires and their clans, those houses and families that stayed together forever. She’d had Sanne once, her former nightmare and for a while current dream — but it hadn’t been the same. She was glad for her nature, did not envy those that had to drink blood to survive (boring, compared to the nightmares) but mares were often so solitary. Even if named after animals that moved in packs.
But what good where these micro-societies when hunters could rip them apart? It meant there was more to lose, more to leverage against you. Inge did not envy Zofia any more in that regard. The losses she’d suffered had ruined her enough, she figured.
She let her talk, resisting the urge to interject or let out an expletive, but her expression was one of empathy. Slayers were a cruel kind. Never able to simply kill, it seemed. Taking advantage of the undying bodies of their prey that could be maimed endlessly. She needn’t ask what had happened. She remembered Italy. She remembered Switzerland. She remembered Wicked’s Rest.
The story wrapped with a request for questions, as if Zofia was one of her students presenting a piece of art. Inge looked at her inquisitively. Her eyes were red. She should don her sunglasses. “First off, I am sorry that some people felt entitled to ruining your family. That they thought — that there was some righteousness there, that it was their right to. They’ve taken from me too.” Sanne’s head toppled from her neck and turned into dust before it could hit the ground. She blinked up at the stars. “And I am sorry they did this to you. It is an ugly delusion, that they think they can. That they think —” She shook her head. “It makes them better than us. I’ve always figured it makes them worse.” At least vampires healed fast, she figured. At least there was that blessing. In this area she envied her blood-drinking kin, too. 
“Did they survive you, in the end?” That was most important. “Are they after you, still?” That mattered to her personally, too. More slayers was never a good thing, especially not in this damned town. “And … what is it you’re after?”
__________
Zofia knew what pity felt like. It was cloying and smothering and altogether intolerable. This wasn’t pity. This was understanding. She didn’t cringe away from the red eyes as they studied her.  Whatever Ingeborg had been through in her life, it was enough to compare to the last half century of her own life. Steely eyes shifted to a red that matched Inge’s, and Zofia met the younger woman’s gaze. 
“I’m sorry for whatever cruelties you’ve endured at their hands.” She wasn’t used to this understanding. It wasn’t uncomfortable, thankfully. It was bolstering. It made her feel as though she could reforge the broken bits of her with damascus steel, remake herself into something that would not be torn asunder again. They both could. 
“Only one was there when I got out.” A dark smile drew up the corners of her mouth as a memory of lullabies and the metallic scent of fresh blood drifted through her mind. “I wish I could say he got what he deserved, but I didn’t have time for that. He’s burning in hell, all the same.”
The smile fell as another face drifted through her mind. “The one in charge wasn’t home. He’s still out there. And the other one probably had friends.” Zofia took a moment, mulling over the final question. “Everything they took from me. Security. Family. Peace. And I won’t have any of those things until I see the life fade from their eyes. Is that too much to ask for?”
———
She supposed that was an acceptable way of putting it. Having endured cruelties at their hands. Inge refused the title of victim. It was not one she would don, not for Hendrik, nor Sanne and certainly not a handful of hunters. But she had endured cruelties at all their hands. Endured, being the key word, cruelty being the condemnation of the other party. To have gone through it made them stronger. To have doled it out made the perpetrators worse than them. (Still – she didn’t quite think her ex-husband or creator perpetrators. She preferred not to think of them at all.) 
“It’s okay,” she said resolutely. “I will outlive them all, in the end. And so will you.” Those slayers, with their petty lifespans and their even pettier lives … most of them didn’t make it that far in life. “Let every scar we bear remind us of what we’ve managed to survive, hm?” This unlife was to be a celebration.
Zofia had killed one of her tormentors. That was good, Inge thought. A closure of sorts. She wondered if the vampire was vengeful enough to after the rest of them. “Good. Let him burn there forever.” She wondered for a moment how the other murdered. Was it all vampiric fangs and bloodshed? She carried herself with grace now, but perhaps she was more brutal out there. 
She halted, looking at the vampire. “I understand.” Did she? She ran from her tormentors. She ran from town to town, finding no security, no peace, no family. But art — there was always new art. “It is an understandable approach. They deserve nothing less.” Inge wasn’t going to offer her assistance. She barely went after the slayers she encountered. Worse, she’d recently bought one a drink and fucked another. “You deserve nothing less.” 
But. There was a but. She let it dangle in the air for a moment before grabbing it. “But, Cassius. Can you leave him be? I know — well, I don’t, not fully. But whatever transpired, it must ache.” Sanne’s head toppled from her neck. A lost lover could make one quite lost. “I suggest you do if you want those things in this town. Security. Peace.” Inge shrugged. “Perhaps even family.”
———
“That we will.” She certainly planned to outlive hers. It would be easy, since she didn’t plan to rest much until they were incapable of doing harm to her or anyone else again. Though Zofia supposed it would be easier when the scars weren’t still open wounds on her soul. It would be easier when every noise and shadow wasn’t another threat. If that day ever came. 
A dark smile danced across her features for a moment. It was a memory that gave her comfort. One gone. She managed to avenge the lives of those she’d lost and herself, even just a little. 
She paused in their walk, the humor that had momentarily flickered in her eyes all but snuffed out at the reminder of who she was there on behalf of. Even if she hadn’t been sent by him, he’d no doubt hear of this exchange in passing. “That won’t be an issue,” Zofia’s affect was cool and detached. “He has another, now.” Now. As if so much time had passed. The vampire felt herself bristle. Replaceable. Was that what she was? A piece that could be swapped out and exchanged easily with another? 
“Perhaps,” she echoed, the anger that had bubbled up fading at the mention of the one thing she still, somehow wanted. Family. “I’ll rebuild, I’m sure.” 
_______
There was a switch, like all the heat was sucked out of the air. Inge wasn’t surprised. She looked at Zofia calmly, vaguely understanding of the anger of a scorned woman but also, most of all, protective of Cassius. It was a strange balance to try and uphold. To care for him while also understanding her.
Because there was a string of past lovers, faces that had come after Sanne. She had broken some – if not most – of their hearts, but some of them had left her own metaphorical one cracked. There was still, even after all these years and all her experience, something deeply intimate and vulnerable about the exposure of sex, the constant return for it. She was still emotionally driven, more than by lust. She’d haunted a man who’d broken her heart, once. She got it.
But she wouldn’t tolerate it. Not in herself, let alone in Zofia.
“Indeed.” And it was cruel of him, wasn’t it? To have moved on. It was, in a way. But matters of the heart often were. She got that, too. “And I am sorry, for that. It’s no easy thing. But there’s no use in … eyes for eyes, and the like.” 
Inge hesitated for a moment, then linked her arm back with Zofia’s. “You seem like you know what you want. So you shall get it. And there’s plenty interesting people in this town, surely you know that.” Cassius was one of them — but there was a whole world beside him. “If there’s one thing our kind has, it’s time.”
———
“Well there is a use for it,” the vampire sighed, shaking her head. “But not in this case. Not with him. I can spend that currency elsewhere. With people who actually deserve what is coming to them.” Zofia would rather spend her resources securing her safety and exacting her revenge on the hunters that had taken everything from her than wasting it on someone who, at the end of the day, did not deserve it. 
She let out a soft huff. “I’m very old. I have only  so much time before some switch in me flips and whatever humanity I cling to burns out like a lightbulb. If there’s even much of it left, now. This town may be full of interesting people, but I’m not sure time has much left in that particular deck of cards for me.” Still, there was no point in writing it off entirely. She could still enjoy herself, if she could allow anyone close enough to her to enjoy. 
“You have my word. I’ve no intention of hurting your friend. I have better things to occupy my time with, and no interest in spending it hurting myself further.”
———
Inge had killed a slayer before. Humans died so easily compared to the likes of her. Lacerations of her skin hurt, but she would never bleed out, her skin would always regrow — but humans bled. Humans didn’t need their heads cut off or their bodies starved from sustenance for over a week. But when she’d taken a slayer’s life it hadn’t been calculated revenge. It had just been a move of self defense and desperation. She tended to run, after all, as that was the easiest option for her. Flee into the astral and look down on the world and its dangers. Except for that time. That time she’d drawn her gun and loosened all six bullets and disappeared.
Had it felt good? Sure. There had been a satisfaction. But it hadn’t lasted. Not because she felt guilty, but because in that case death wasn’t the end. She was still looking over her shoulders, there were still hunters out there. It had been futile. It was not something to just throw on the table, though, this insight in that fear of hers she was still convinced didn’t exist. “Good. Focus it on them, then.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps. Maybe the issue is that you’re still thinking in terms of humanity when we’re not human any more and haven’t been in some time,” Inge said. “But you can find your people again. That we do need, hm?” Even she had her tethers. Even if she snipped them from time to time, when she ran. 
She nodded, appreciative. “Perfect,” she almost smiled while saying it. Unsaid went the pain she’d already delivered to Cassius, but Inge wasn’t the type to think much of a slap to the face anyway. “Perhaps we can spend some of that time together, hm? I’d like to hear about all the things you’ve seen and done in your years.”
______
A smile flickered at the corner of her mouth. “Perhaps,” the woman drawled. It was a difficult thing to let go of, humanity. She’d been playing pretend for centuries. Drinking blood from glasses as if it were simply another expensive vintage from the DuPont wine cellar. Zofia had known better, had always known better. It might do better to let herself be something more. Something new. Something not quite human, but not quite monster. And perhaps it was time to find more like minded people. 
“ I think,” The flicker of a smile caught on her lips and lingered. “I think I’d like that very much.” 
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absolutebitchgetter · 1 year ago
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The problems of CS. Combined in one.
Since the CS ninjas are onto me, i shant give up. You will forever hear the tunes of the rumours of ABG'S unbanning.
Heres all the CS posts i can find:
All of this might share the same topic, and thats a feature of how Comic Studio doesnt - or probably will never - fix its problems. Insane. I know. However, why am i not giving up if we cant fix it?
To save people's sanity.
Im trying to get unbanned so i can prove i am trying to become a better person, and save people's mental health by pointing out thr flaws in:
-moderation
-people
-studios
-controversy
-kids
Its honestly pretty scary how kids are exposed to Jayst- i mean the toxicity of comic studio, and also how the experienced CS users are saying its worse than fucking Twitter.
Where can i begin with the fucking moderation? Where were they when i was getting banned? One is treated like an angel after the fucking outrageous calls he does. How long was i banned? 8 months? Yes. 8 Fucking Months. Above Half a year. One has literally made DOXXING JOKES TO ME and made me fear for my life. One in the cs discord takes someone elses side when i ask for a spoiler for Binding of Isaac (a pretty scary game). One is just fucking horrible at moderation. And one is probably biased after i did a few too many pings in a server. A server i owned btw, no one stopped me. You know who you are. :)
To name a few very shit studios,
-Probably fucking most of them
Probably 10% of the studios get used.
And a lot of them are just fucking shit.
We have a fucking NICK JR studio for like 2 YEAR OLDS.
When is there a fucking Despicable Me comic studio?
To name types of people:
Suspected pedophiles
probably pedophiles
pedophiles
nazis
racists
homophobes
transphobes
xenophobes
sexists
anti semetic
Jokes aside tho there are lot of people i named that are actually one of the things above. There are also lots of fucking toxic people.
To my next point
popular beats all apparently
If your popular, dont fear of being banned! You fucking wont be!
I can name, a shit ton of people that should be banned but wouldnt because they have a shit ton of followers and that would get a lot of people to quit the site.
-Puffyy (Should i say more?)
-Jaystar (☠️)
-Onion_Rabbit (Threw about users like hell, faked harassment, legit got people to witchhunt me (December 2022), was toxic to me before i got banned (unfairly) (July 2023)
-Deathzy (A fucking mpreg and sex comic untagged, did the same as Onion_Rabbit July 2023, has known cases of being cocky as fuck when they get their way)
-SarahKomik (Has threw about users under the bus pretending to victimise themselves over the slightest of out of context things. The current situation with Oka is one.)
-Zappy (The same as above.)
Theres a lot more! Holy fuck
This community has a complete fucking hivemind too.
When popular users say "this person has done something bad (slightly or horrible) target them guys" and when they say "dont harass this person pls" they're praying that the mods dont fucking mob them. Oh wait.
Its like a lot of people have pointed out popular beats all!
Also, this is how people say "fuck the rules" (e.g, Oka and me)
If you have any problems, comment it, You probably shouldnt have but if your a snowflake, combat me.
Oh yeah i also forgot Tammy got knocked about like the school thot at summer time with the football team. They need apologising yall. This is the reason why people quit, my point above. Tammy quitting is one of the worst things to happen to CS.
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OKAY SO
I got really distracted + busy mid to late December with the holidays and family being over, BUT I was finally able to finish Pidge’s design for my VLD DP AU!!
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So, I have finally finalized who is gonna be who in the AU, and unfortunately some characters won’t have a direct one to one parallel, but I’m very happy where I’ve put everyone (this was not done alone, and i will tag everyone/give a way to find the people who helped)
So, Pidge is in Corvus’ place in this AU (thank you so much Red* for helping with that, you literally saved my life). She’s still younger than the rest of the paladins, but she’s assigned to be Allura’s bodyguard all the same. I’d like to think that she’s fairly new/still in like “training” to become her bodyguard. I have a bunch of notes for everything to do with her (and everyone else, and the document isn’t even done), but here’s a few fun things for her:
she knows a lot about flora and fauna because since she’s in corvus’ role, it makes sense to me that she would know that
she knows some medicinal things (again, it makes sense for me)
in her free time, she’s often found in the library researching a wide array of things
I have a lot more for her, but I don’t wanna reveal it all yet until I’m done with designs (and maybe learn how to write)
Hunk!!!! Hunk is basically the baker here, but more important. His moms are the ones who are in charge of and run the bakery, but he’s been steadily doing more and more in preparation to take over the bakery from his parents. While yes, he is a baker, he is still very much the way he is in the show. In this, he’s childhood friends with Lance and Allura, and he was with Lance when all of this started in the first place, so that’s why and how he’ll be involved. There’s more on this but again, won’t talk about it more until later. Here’s a few fun things about him:
his weapon for the first part of this is going to be his favorite rolling pin, and while it’s very much NOT a weapon, he wields it very well (thanks @anonaeonn for that, it’s brilliant)
he knows how to forge weapons and such, and often combines different kinds of weapons to get like a better weapon (thanks again aeon, your brain is huge)
he will be more open to elves than a lot of humans are in the beginning show, but he will still not be the most educated and will still be confused about things. (think of all the “galra Keith stuff. Not malicious, just not informed and makes comments like; Hunk: “wow look at that super cool elf punch!! that looks like it hurts a lot” Keith: “it’s just a regular punch”)
So that’s the both of them, and I don’t really have too many additional things that I have to flesh out for characters, so there won’t be any more rambling or notes here, just know that I am super happy with where everyone is in this. I still have a huge list of characters to design stuff for for this au, but I think it’s gonna be super fun. After I do my Shiro (+another’s) design, I’ll probably do a quick sketch of a fake promo for this.
(*Red doesn’t have a Tumblr, but Red does have an Ao3! Red’s Ao3 )
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galacticlamps · 2 years ago
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I was tagged by @terryfphanatics​ (thanks! sorry I took forever - I started answering these & didn’t finish and just remembered it was in my drafts)
What book are you currently reading?
The Two Towers! which upsets me bc I’ve been at it since August (technically - I wasn’t ‘at it’ in, uh, October, November, December, January, or February, for lack of time - but I’m back at it now, and I even convinced myself to start over from the beginning so I didn’t forget anything)
What's your favourite movie you saw in a cinema this year?
sorry but the last time I went to a movie theater was probably in 2017, 2018 at the latest, so... yeah I’ve got nothing
What do you usually wear?
jeans, boots, at this point in the winter usually some combination of flannels, sweaters and/or sweatshirts. (I’ve been really cold lately)
How tall are you?
5′6″ ish
What's your star sign?
capricorn
Do you share your birthday with a celebrity or historical event?
I do, yeah
Do you go by your name or a nickname?
mostly nicknames, I have quite a few at this point. I’ve yet to pick one to use on here, I should probably do that soon, I’ve been meaning to for years now
Did you grow up to be what you wanted to be as a child?
I don’t recall ever wanting to be anything in particular as a child, honestly, but I can say that so far I’ve pretty much stuck to the career path that first caught my interest in high school, if that counts
Are you in a relationship? Who is your crush if not?
nope! and it’s been a very long time since I’ve had a serious crush either, which I’m honestly grateful for. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship at this exact point in my life anyway, so I’m just gonna keep vaguely admiring every funny girl who’s kind to me for the time being without actually developing feelings for her. I hope It seems to be going well so far mostly
What's something you're good at versus something you're bad at?
(I’m trying to think of two that relate to each other)
I am very good at drawing objects and not at all good at drawing people! technical plans are something I’ve dealt with extensively both academically & professionally, but in the more general sense I’ve always been an ‘I can’t draw’ person. tbh I should find some of those artists who complain about backgrounds and just do all their architecture etc for them
Dogs or cats?
nothing against dogs but cats for sure, always cats
What's something you'd like to create content for?
not to sound like a jerk, but I work in the arts industry & really hate the place ‘content creation’ has come to occupy in everyone’s vocabulary, even though I totally realize that in a context like this it’s probably just trying to be a vague enough term to be inclusive of the many different things people can create. I like writing the fanfic that I do, so without switching subjects, I would like to get better at drawing people because sometimes I have ideas that would be better expressed as images or even short comics
What's something you're currently obsessed with?
Obsessing over 60s who is my baseline so I don’t think that counts - but it’s been almost a month since I watched Holding Achilles & there have only been hours when I didn’t think of it, not entire days
What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?
Ngl, (& not to be a total downer, but) the last 12 months-ish have been an extremely busy/hectic/unpredictable year for me, with both the good & the bad stuff coming out of left field most of the time. So while there were certainly more than enough disappointments, for the most part, they weren’t the kinds of things you could be excited about beforehand (relatives dying, people fighting, strained relationships, illnesses, work stuff in a perpetual state of flux - or as I’ve taken to calling it: death disease & dubious employment). I suppose there were a lot of events I wanted to make it to that I didn’t, due to the aforementioned junk, and I certainly imagined myself getting to read more books & write more fics than I did, but that doesn’t feel like a good specific answer.
What's a hidden talent of yours?
I suppose that depends who you ask? There are lots of work or work-adjacent skills I could name that would be news to people on here, but those are such prominent parts of my life otherwise that they definitely don’t feel ‘hidden.’ But I guess even among people who expect me to be handy/crafty, more overtly artistic things tend to surprise them - like I’ve had people forget that I was the one who painted something, for instance, because that’s not the kind of skill most associate with me. (and I am very good with color & pigment tbh)
Are you religious?
nah. I’m not like, a committed atheist or anything either, I just grew up catholic & don’t go in for that anymore, nor do I have any desire to go seek out another faith
What's something you wish to have at this moment?
time uh, let’s say a haircut
tagging people kinda seems rude after taking multiple months to come up with so many kind of non-answers oops, but if anyone would like to copy the questions, either as an opportunity to do a little q&a or an excuse to tag/ask your friends, be my guest
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weekly-kazzie · 2 years ago
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uhhhhh bit late but happy new year!
ill be putting a summary of my plans for this year in the tags while rambling about some of my issues under the read more so here's a warning for that!
.......
........
ok time for me to ramble about some of my problems yippee--
it's a bit long so only read if you wanna since this bit gets into some personal stuff and problems, and there's a summary in the tags of the important account stuff anyway so yea only read if you want to
...
.......
..........
ok so,
dgs has been something really special to me ever since i first played it, and i like the games more than the mainline ace attorney ones if im being honest. when i got kazzie in 2021 i wasn't really expecting that i would end up deciding to make an account for him at all, but here we are! i know the account started in december of that year, but i feel like i definitely did more in 2022 since i posted more that year, so i kinda see 2022 as the year of the beginning of kazzie.
but something that also happened in 2022 is that i've become really lazy (lazy is a bit of an understatement tbh) and my mind's been practically shutting down w/ ideas on what to do with regards to everything ever, and it's still ongoing so i'm in a bit of a pickle with regards to that. i've also lost a lot of motivation and have been getting absorbed into different content that has been depleting my motivation even more. i guess it's a combination of lowering mental health and interest if that makes sense. it's gotten bad to the point that i tend to just forget or not care about posting for this account sometimes.
with posting, i wanna post different things each day but everything around me is incredibly boring and i don't just wanna keep posting the same stuff each day because of the fact that im running out of things to post about. i also can’t really go out and look for stuff since i'm a minor that needs their parents to take them everywhere, and i don't really have any opportunities for cool pictures or experiences to happen because the place that i live in doesn’t have anything interesting about it at all and i also don’t have the kind of money which lets me go out and explore.
however!!! despite my dying motivation and such, i don't want to just abandon this account cuz it's brought me a lot of happiness and a lot of people have genuinely enjoyed the posts of this account (which to be honest im really surprised that y'all actually like this silly content that much but it makes me really happy to see you guys enjoying kazzie's existence as much as i do), so i'm gonna keep holding on!!!
but anyway, i'm gonna shift to weekly posts starting on the 14th of this month in the hopes that it'll help me get more picture opportunities and more motivation. i'll also change the account's name to weekly-kazzie when this happens. this won't be permanent though as i will eventually go back to daily kazzie posting once im feeling better and get enough motivation and content to post!
thank you to the probably two or three people that read this, and once again im really greatful to everyone who's enjoyed my silly lil content and posts with kazzie!
here's to another year of kazzie posting and vibing!
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pmbueckers · 21 days ago
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— for evermore
01 ‘tis the damn season
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⌞and it always leads to you in my hometown⌝ – taylor swift ⋆⁺₊❅.
pairing – paige bueckers x fem oc!dorothea greene
summary – they’ve been at it since highschool, this back and forth, but what happens if and when paige and thea finally realize this hometown situationship might be worth something more?
word count – 3.7k
warnings – idgaf abt punctuation, language
links – masterlist , series masterlist
authors note – find all the information abt this fic with the link above! tried my very best to line it up with the ttds lyrics but giving it my own twist/meaning. it makes sense to me but thats coming from a chronic swiftie so idk if its gonna be confusing for others or not.. pls lmk but be nice lol
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dorothea greene pov, december 2023
if i wanted to know who you were hanging with while i was gone i would have asked you 
its been three years since we graduated and no matter how much i told myself the throwing of our caps in the air was it, the symbolic end, i knew myself better than that. i knew her better. i knew us better.
because you can never truly escape paige bueckers.
shes like vines, and once youre in, youre in.
im going home tonight, to celebrate the holidays with my family and hometown friends, but the odds that i dont see her are slim to none. and shes all i can think about as im trying to pack. everything im throwing in my bag, a reminder of her. the shoes she got me for my birthday years ago, my favorite t shirt to sleep in that may or may not be hers. even what im wearing to the goddamn airport, a sweatsuit i bought at the mall of america with her, and a necklace she gave to me before we graduated that i cant muster the strength to give up.
i know i dont mean anything to her anymore, honestly i dont know if i even meant that much to her back then, but i cant help but be conflicted myself, why is it the whole year im fine, “cured” of paige bueckers, but the second it hits december and i know snow is falling back home, i need to be back in hopkins wrapped up in her arms? she probably has someone else by now. no, she definitely has someone else by now. this shouldnt be so hard. i just need to go back home, and not get drawn back in. easier said than done.
im loading all my things into my car, this car, damn we did it in her car too didnt we? see, what did i say? constant. reminders.
its the kind of cold, fogs up windshield glass but i felt it when i passed you 
fuck, “snap out of it” i murmur to myself over and over while loading my bags. its not too many bags so im just piling them into my passenger seat as im paying to keep my car parked at the airport while im gone.
i head back up to my apartment to lock it up then im pulling out of my places parking ramp and am on the freeway to the airport, a peaceful car ride, that is till i get a notification that makes my heart jump and car nearly swerve off the road. and i know its abt to begin, im abt to fall back in, but i cant help it.
paige bueckers
Hey
Whats your break schedule
read 6:21 pm
dorothea greene
hi.
ive got the next four weeks of classes off but im only going to be home for abt two.
deciding to only stay home for about two weeks to minimize the amount of damage i can do involving her, but i decide to keep that part out.
Cool
When’s your flight?
in two hours actually
im on the road rn
Don’t crash pls
I prefer you alive
i roll my eyes and let out a little snicker, thankful she cant hear, but typical paige having to sneak at least something in. im glancing up and down from my phone to the road, dont text and drive is repeating in my head in my moms voice, but its paige. the exact reason why im afraid to go home.
funny
Its the truth
So your landing in 6 hrs then?
At 12?
nice math
Alr alr chill 😂
How you getting home from the airport its gonna be late
Prolly like 1 am
yeah ik
thats what ubers are for paige
Nah uh no way
What if its a creep
I’ll come get you
no
i cant ask u to do that
u wont get home till like two
(a lie, im overestimating, but i really wasnt intenting on seeing paige this early on my trip back home.)
U aint askin im offering
Plus I want to
hm yeah right why is that paige
Aint it obvious comon
I miss you Thea.
read 6:43
theres an ache in you put there by the ache in me but if its all the same to you its the same to me 
and just like that, those three words, eight letters. that i so wish were three different ones, eight different letters, ones im sure shes said to someone else, someone new in connecticut. but i cant bother to care about right now because at least i got something, something to show that maybe she still cares a little bit. a little bit about me.
i dont know if this is a mistake, even though i think i do. i know i do. even though i just told myself a couple of hours ago i wasnt going to do this. but hell, going from trying to not see her at all to her being the first person i see is almost comical.
okay.
im going to be in terminal one
gate G20.
Damn was kinda hopin for a diff kinda rsp
Guess that’ll do…
you’re so pushy omg
i miss you too p.
That’s more like it 😊
i hate you sm
Nah
You dont.
read 6:49
paige is right, which she knows. i dont hate her, i never could, and i dont think i ever will. that is what hurts the most. no matter how much i have to remind myself of the routine and how much this will never go anywhere, how her words are empty, only sounding full and meaningful for the week or two we are in the same city, i dont know how to stop. bc its her. its paige. my paige.
the rest of my travel night goes by in a blur, i paid for my car to be parked in the garage, i checked my bags, went through security, waited at the gate, and am now on the plane where i would normally get a nice four hour nap in so the ride would go by quicker, i dont, because i dont know if im prepared to land, to see whos waiting for me once this plane lands in minnesota. but just like that it does, it lands.
thankfully, im seated near the back of the aircraft so i have a little bit more time wasting im able to do, i find myself walking to baggage claim extremely slow its almost comical, praying my bag isnt one of the first ones out, but of course it is. curse you universe. im plotting on how im gonna look lost outside, how i purposefully cant find her car like i have no idea what it looks like, like i dont have her license plate number memorized. like we havent done unspeakable shit in that car, unable to wait a ten minute drive home from a random bar.
that is until i look up from my phone, suspicious because she hasnt texted me about her whereabouts outside yet, and i spot a little ways down the strip of the airport, a strikingly bright blonde head of hair that i would recognize anywhere.
my pace, unbeknownst to me, picks up, and as i get closer i can make out that shes holding up a sign. not huge and flashy, but modest, smaller, she begins to walk towards me as well with what i can make out so far as the biggest grin on her face i have ever seen. that im sure my own face is reflecting. the closer she gets the more clear her sign becomes, it reads, ‘welcome home thea’ as she flips it to the back that says ‘ive missed you most’. at this point ive completely ditched my bags and have just jumped in her arms, a giggling mess. god im a child. my arms are wrapped around her neck, hers around my waist, lifting me up off the floor slightly, breathing into my neck.
a couple of hours ago i said i wasnt going to get drawn back in, now im in the middle of the airport looking like a lovesick idiot. 
so we could call it even you could call me babe for the weekend 'tis the damn season 
“hi baby” she mumbled against my skin and heart just about burst. i missed her so much. i pull back to look at her face, i just want to look at her face, i could forever. with my hands cupping her face. her rosy cheeks from being outside in the minnesota weather all cold, trying to warm her up.
as shes setting me down shes wiping hair out of my face, off of my forehead, looking deep into my eyes with her ocean blue ones, “god i missed you.” she whispered, quiet enough to be heard by just us, like a secret she didnt want anyone around us to hear in fear of it breaking. “so ive heard” i say back to her, moving my face closer to hers, with a smug but playful grin on my lips. and my arms are right back around her neck as im saying into her ear “i missed you too p.” scattering small kisses across the side of her head. on her ear, hairline, neck, temple. i know better. but at this point, theres no going back. and its not on her lips, so what damage is it really doing?
i back away and intertwine my hand with hers while looking into her eyes, “lets go home, k?” i say while nodding my head in encouragement, “okay” she mumbles, while squeezing my hand, and grabbing my bags for me off of the floor. shes perfect, for these next two weeks shes going to be perfect. 
write this down, im stayin at my parents house and the road not taken looks real good now, and it always leads to you in my hometown 
im in her passenger seat, like ive been in drastically different situations many times before, as we’ve finally made it out of the god awful airport pickup zone. ive been day dreaming out this window for who knows how long, about her of course. because when im with her as happy as it makes me, it only confuses me more. and it drives me insane.
thats when i feel her right hand creep up on my thigh from the drivers side in soothing circles, “thea? hey did you hear what i said?” my eyes jerk down to her hand and then towards her eyes. “sorry p, whats up?” because i genuinely did miss her question. but theres some look etched on her face, one i havent seen before, and it makes me take a big gulp of water thats been sitting in her car for possibly ages, as im all of a sudden afraid of what shes gonna say.
her hand continues to rub soothing circles on my thigh while her eyes i swear are staring into the deepest parts of my soul, i should be worried considering shes currently driving on the highway but i cant seem to care, the way she looks at me makes me feel like im the only person in the world. “hey are you okay?” she says sincerely, “what?” i say almost too loudly, “sorry, yeah no im good p”, safe to say that wasnt what i was expecting her to ask. i dont know what i was, but it wasnt that. not something that made her seem like she cares deeper about me than whats on the surface level. actually able to tell when somethings going on with me. whatever, its probably nothing. “alright thea,” as her goddamn hand is almost territorially sitting on my thigh now, like shes trying to protect me from the heat coming out of the ac in the car.
“you never told me where im takin you.” she states, looking at me with her cute but smuggish at the same time grin. “yeah right, sorry, uh im staying with my parents. i’ll send you the address.” i ramble, trying to get this car ride to go by quicker. i swear shes driving slower on purpose. just to see me squirm. i see out of the corner of my eye as im going to send her the address her hand coming up to my phone, shes setting my hands down in my lap, and then turning my chin to face her, “thea. enough with the sorries. and i know were your parents live baby you dont need to send me the address.” she lets out a chuckle, but not one making fun, a light hearted one, as her hand moves to find mine and intertwines our fingers in my lap. but i know paige better than anyone, before we were whatever this is, we were friends, bestfriends. so of course she lets no teasing opportunity pass her by,
“damn,” she says, looking down at my phone, that has our messages open, “legal name as the contact name is lethal” she says, looking up at me with a smirk, i shove her shoulder trying not to give her the satisfaction of a laugh and am then playing with the rings on her fingers. “alright p i would like a better suggestion. your name as your name in my phone makes complete sense to me. now i dont even wanna know what you got me as in yours,” i say with a chuckle, but also leaving it on a hint, i do wanna know. its probably nothing special, but paige is right, anything other than my full name would be special.
“oh really?” shes looking at me with that smirk, god it kills me. shes pulled out her phone and opened it up to my contact, 'thea 💚'. it really seems like nothing special to the blind eye, but it is to me. not even my full first name, my nickname, with a heart that just about makes my own burst. because its not just any, one of my favorite color, that ironically is the same as my last name. no words are exchanged between us. just two pairs of eyes looking deeply into one another, faces with the biggest grins on them, while the rest of the car ride was silent. the center console of her car jabbing into the left side of my rib cage so my head was able to lean on her shoulder with her hand in my lap the whole way home. our hearts beating almost too romantically in sync the whole way to my parents house.
paige, despite what i knew she wanted to do, dropped me off at home. she pulled into my parents driveway with her headlights off, sure to not wake them, and though the door wasnt even twenty feet away, “im still walking you to it” she insisted, while grabbing my bags from the backseat.
i unlocked my front door, placed my bags inside and turned to the tall blonde, looking up into her icy blue eyes. “thank you for getting me p. and bringing me home,” i whispered the last part as i reach up to place my arms around her neck, as her arms find their familiar home around my waist. i couldnt tell you how long we stood there for, swaying lightly, not wanting to let one another go, with my front door wide open letting all the cold minnesota air in. like when i come back home, and let paige back in.
i finally pulled away looking into her eyes, mumbling “but i cant let you in. i want to, but i cant, p.” paige sighs, looking down at our feet, then back at me, “i know baby, its okay.” she spoke while wiping baby hairs away from my face and once again scooping me up in a hug. her breath warm agaisnt the left crevice where my neck and shoulder meet. i want to let her in so bad, but i cant because i know myself. i know her. i know us. and she knows it too. one thing will lead to another. and i need to try to hold out for as long as possible, as much as its killing me.
as paige pulls away she leaves a kiss on my cheek and mumbles, “i’ll see you soon. get some sleep okay?” looking at me with questioning eyes and a raised eyebrow. god shes so cute. “okay.” i breathe out, reaching down to grab both of her hands. till she starts to back away, i find myself trying to hold onto the tips of her fingers for as long as possible as shes whispering goodbye and just like that her car is backing out of the driveway, and im standing under the porch light. alone. i know this scene all too well. we arent in highschool anymore, i have to remind myself, so i turn around and head inside before i overthink our situation, again.
i parkеd my car right between the methodist and thе school that used to be ours
with playlists blasting in my ears, im unpacking my bags in my childhood room, tidying it up because my mom has turned it into her own personal closet while ive been gone, finding little knickknacks that meant everything to me as a kid.
i stumble upon a hopkins basketball sweatshirt on my closet floor, i wonder who that belongs to? a cross on my wall from our communities church event. from the same church i went to every sunday that i would always find myself sitting next to paige at.
and cleaning my bathroom i so luckily have attached to my bedroom, putting away my toiletries, opening a drawer that still has some of her things in it from when she would stay over almost every night, all as im about to get in the shower before i finally try and get some sleep.
thats when my music pauses to signify a ding of a notification. its paige, of course.
paige bueckers
U up?
read 2:13 am
thea 💚
nope
Alr 1 ur mean 2 I thought I told u to sleep
one you love me
two shouldnt u not be textin me then?
Damn u right on both tbh
But nah yk I cant leave u alone
read 2:17am
overthinking is my speciality, but am i doing that right now? because in all of our years of just being friends we expressed our gratitude for one another, but since we’ve been whatever the fuck this is, flirt, hookup, ghost, paige has never even said the words “i like you” to me.
we both know we care so deeply for one another, possibly more, but its complicated. our lives never worked out together that way, never overlapped, so we accepted the mutual heartbreak but kept pushing forward with this toxic cycle anyways because neither of us could bare not having the other in our life anymore.
did she just admit that she loves me? nah. no fucking way. we say shit in playful tones like that all time. oh you love me this you love me that. but shes never admitted it back, not like that. what is going on. god its late, get out of your head thea. play it cool.
yeah ur lowkey annoying
highkey actually
Alr get out
U love me back dw ik
mm debatable 
Ouch
Wyd tmr
i dont know actually
my parents arent awake to make any plans with lol
Oh so I get u first
ok who said that??
You basically 😊
paige madison omg
Hey that reminds me
You change that contact name yet??
that rlly buggin you huh
Maybe
then i might just keep it
Thea istg
alr alr chill i will change it 😂
dorothea greene changed paige bueckers contact to 'paige 💜'
And I will pick u up at noon?
where tf did i agree to that?
Would you rather meet somewhere?
i dont see where i agreed to do anything with you
I want to see you
paige.
you just saw me not even an hour ago
I miss you
you cant possibly
How do you know that
You dont know I feel
I miss you
I miss you
okay will you shut up if i say yes
Um only if nice Thea shows up
okay sorry p 😂😂
Never be sorry
Sooooo I will pick you up tomorrow at noon?
you will pick me up tomorrow at noon.
Goodnight baby sleep well
Actually sleep please
read 2:35
that damn petname, nickname, whatever it is it fucking kills me and she probably has no idea. no she definitely knows and thats why she uses it.
thank god she cant see my face right now because its full blown red, completely embarrassed post screaming my lungs out into my pillow.
i will
goodnight p
see u tmr.
i just snickered to myself after sending paige those last texts. almost shameful of myself. i dont know what im doing. or maybe i do? i think its safe to say my winter break is gonna go different than i planned, but the same way as it always been whenever i dare to mix myself with paige bueckers and my hometown.
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the next chapter will be finishing out the lyrics of ttds (in blue) which will be linked in the masterlist once finished! - im gonna try and make this into a full blown series incorporating other songs from the album 'evermore' going back in time as well to give some background information on their relationship, etc. we'll see how it goes...
reminder: my box is open for all requests ⋆˙⟡
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bisluthq · 7 months ago
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and I Hate It Here as an important feature of the place she is that she hates…then he’s also alluded to as the boring dying relationship that’s slowly killing her type thing on Guilty as Sin? and Fortnight, but from how it looks to me that’s literally it
you know what's ironic about this? I was thinking about all of these things yesterday and went on a bit of a rabbit hole for 2022 stuff. And ig they really must been masking a lot of stuff in public (even though you can't really say to keep up appearances, since unless you cared enough you wouldn't know about any of it), because I really wouldn't say he gave the vibe of being so very much depressed he was apathetic to everything and she wasn't giving the vibe I'm tired of my boyfriend and crazy again for my ex having an affair.
Like in 2021, we know there was a significant amount of time they weren't together and things probably went wrong in Panama. But in 2022, it doesn't seem like Joe was away for long, he worked way less and they were mostly on the same city for all year. I mean, maybe they were just living separate lifes anyway and doesn't mean anything but still it's a bit like the relationship is dead, you're tired of each other, she is out here saying she was caged and stuck with him...it doesn't make much sense. By how Taylor talks about it, it makes it seem like she was stuck at home because of his moods and almost like she had no choice to. And now I'm like girl what exactly was he doing to you to say he was a prison and putting you in a cage and all that. It seems more like you are playing it up to prove the whole basement thing to your fans who came up with that. It also feels very silly cause now everyone is like what did he do? Oh he caged her, he was a prison to her and in the meanwhile you were going out of your house as usual and actively choosing to spend time with him too. If the house thing was true, you were quite literally making a point you wanted to still live with him so????? It feels more like lame justifications to yourself
I was looking through the 2022 archives and with everything said and done I was surprised to see they were out here willingly go on vacations together both at beginning of year and summer and being papped too, they were seen dining out and whatnot in NY, LA and London, they were on his agency's party. And I mean like I said it doesn't seem much different than before, they were just living their life and spending time together as if Taylor wasn't in secret calling him a prison. This time around he didn't miss the release week, KOK wasn't even for prolongued periods of time so he was popping in LA or London as needed and in december when it took longer she made a point to stay with him just like before. She was also willingly mentioning their relationship in Midnights Mayhem on main and there was the supposed important rings he was never seen again after the breakup. It all just feels dystopic to me. A lot of these things the public wouldn't know so calling it appearances doesn't feel right, but I think the overall feeling I get is they were still making an effort for the relationship to keep going. Yet when you listen to Taylor she tells you she was bored, cheating with someone else, she wasn't trying to fix anything anymore and he was so depressed he wasn't responsive anymore. There's just this dissonance in the narrative that I don't understand
I think LTRs are complex dude and Taylor narrativizes her life - same as we all do. I think there were problems for a long time but they tried to make it work and ultimately she found that they just couldn't. And tbh that she didn't want to anymore. I think she found like... it just wasn't worth it. As I've said, I think it's very good they didn't go beyond engagement because all this shit would be a lot worse if they'd done a marriage to try make things better. It may have prolonged things but divorce is much worse than civil breakup.
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equestrianempire · 9 months ago
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Gregory Wathelet's Winning Ways Continues in the$ 32, 000 Heavy Metal Equipment Classic CSI 4*
Thermal California, USA – March 17, 2024– Formerly it was not the plan to move Kristalic, owned by Morning Star Sporthorses, into the FEI ranks for the last week of Desert Circuit. However, the horses preferred the sand ring, so Signal 4* action was born out of the way the schedule turned out. And with Gregory Wathelet ( BEL ) aboard, the horse walked away with a second victory of the week in Sunday’s$ 32, 000 Heavy Metal Equipment Classic CSI 4*, proving he’s a top contender for the higher levels.
” It was not the program at the beginning to do the FEI”, Wathelet said of Kristalic‘s plan. We decided it was better to do the 1. 45m on sand than the 1. 40m National on turf when we saw it was on dust. We tried to ɉump on the grass three weeks ago, but it did n’t feel as good. I may state that he has greatly improved. He’s truly comfortable on the top because he’s really careful. Maybe he needs to believe that he can hop this far.
In second in the$ 32, 000 Heavy Metal Equipment Classic CSI 4* was Kaitlin Campbell ( USA ) aboard Conova, owned by Sweet Oak Farm, while Vani Khosla ( USA ) secured third with Incitatus.
While Karrie Rufer is awaiting her first child, Wathelet rode aboard Kristalic and several other Morning Star Sporthorses-owned bolts. With each of Rufȩr’s rides, Wathelet has produced outstanding results.
The 9-year-old Dutch Warmblood stallion ( Arezzo VDL x Baltic VDL ) is a big heart and wants to do well even if sometimes you have to fight for him. ” I rode him last year and I liked him. ” He’s a very good horses. Karrie will enjoy himself when she takes over the reins of him, despite the fact that I do n’t know what he’ll do ultimately.
Some top users think about their chances before they even buy them for their wire, so the plan for making an Paralympic team far in advance.
Gregory Wathelet ( BEL ) &amp, Kristalic during the awards ceremony
” I’m happy now I have two wonderful horses”, he said of his best two, Bond Jamesbond de Hay and Ace Of Hearts, a horse that jumped in Thermal in 2023. I believe we have a good probability of progressing. I have planned a programme since December for my primary horses, Jamesbond. He has already shown himself to be big things, but I still need to do good at the next show and I need to feel confident that he is well-fit to go, otherwise I do n’t want to go to the Olympics just to go. “
The Frȩnch club has been a popular horse for α while, and Wathelet claims that ƫhey are in a bit of a development stage, especially as their present horses get older.
” I think Belgium has been quite good the past seven or eight years”, he expressed. ” We are at a place where some horses are a little bit older, like me, Nevados S, Jerome]Guery ]’s Quel Homme de Hus, and a few others that have retired. We have a fresh set of anįmals. Although it’s not as powerful as it was the month before, I believe we can form a strong team. There are some very solid users in Belgium, bμt perhaps not enough animals for championships. If ȵot this time, animals will start arriving quickly enough to compete at that level.
It’s been a successful season for Wathelet nevertheless, with some horses aƫ the top of the list in the closing week and earning both valuable miles and cαsh prizes.
Last Benefits –$ 32, 000 Heavy Metal Equipment Classic CSI 4* – 1. 45m
1 ) Gregory Wathelet ( BEL ) &amp, Kristalic – 0/ 4 – 47. 35
2 ) Kaitlin Campbell ( USA ) &amp, Conova – 0/ 8 – 51
3 ) Vani Khosla ( USA ) &amp, Incitatus – 0/ 8 – 51. 95
Origin: Press Release from Desert International Horse Park
Photos: © DIHP / TB Photography / High Desert Photo / MG Photography
Related
Categories: CSI 4*, English, Jumper News Belgie
Identified as: CSI 4*, Desert International Horse Park, Desert International Horse Park– Desert Circuit, Dutch Warmblood, Equestrian, Equibel, Gregory Wathelet, Horses, Jumper News, Jumper News Belgie, Kristalic, KWPN, Morning Star Sport Horses, Paarden, Results, Royal Dutch Sport Horse, Showjumping
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domi-scu · 2 years ago
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01-03/03 The adventure begins
a.k.a the very unexpected start to our holiday. But we’ll get there. Let’s talk about the travel first.
It was surprisingly uneventful although incredibly long. I’m very happy we made the decision to sleep at Heathrow the night before our flight so we headed out on Wednesday evening right after I finished work. That being said- what a horrible idea to work the same day we’re leaving! More stressful than I like my days.
If you ever stay at Heathrow at the Thistle Hotel (as I think it belongs to them), I highly recommend travelling from Terminal 5 with the driverless Pods. It’s usually not free but the little car thing looks like a tic tac and is probably a lot more fun than it should be. I say usually not free because we got a free ride from them since our room had no hot water.
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As we had an early morning and a long travel ahead of us, we ended up only having a quick drink at the hotel bar with the view of the runway (which I get way too excited about) and went to sleep.
Honestly the day of travel is already pretty much a blur. We woke up at 5am and spend good 30h either flying or waiting at airports (Zurich and Bangkok,- about 5h each). We didn’t manage to get much sleep as we were incredibly uncomfortable and Alex is also ill on top of that. So doing all that on almost no sleep is not ideal. By the time we got on our final flight to Chiang Mai I was barely standing but at least Alex got a small nap in Bangkok so it wasn’t too horrible.
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We did pop outside the Bangkok airport to have a quick look around and something felt off to me. The air felt a lot more polluted than I remembered but I just figured- big city with millions of people, the air is bound to get a lot worse since the last time I was here was 10 years ago. Not a big deal right? Well it wasn’t a big deal until we were landing in Chiang Mai and it looked very foggy. I still didn’t think much about it because I know that Chiang Mai generally has pretty clean air and lots of green around it so like… Maybe it was raining and this was just fog? A fog bad enough that we couldn’t see the sun
Unfortunately, the driver picking us up from the airport ended up recommending face masks ‘because of the smoke’. Uhhhh what smoke? Well… Basically, what happens is that at some point between December and April, people up North burn all the crap on their fields to prepare them for new crops being sown. What this results in is SMOKE. And a lot of it. Apparently the pollution is about 23x the healthy amount. It’s recommended that people stay indoors, use air purifiers and definitely avoid going to the jungle as the fires are all over the place and pretty dangerous.
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The annoying part is that Chiang Mai was the bit of our trip that I looked forward to the most and have been wanting to come here since my parents first visited around 2007. But predicting when the fires happen is not really that easy because we know someone who was here just couple weeks ago and they had no issues. Oh well, I suppose we’ll just have to visit again another time.
So running on 2h of sleep within the last 30+ hours, we had to come up with a new plan. First things first, we really needed a new hotel for tonight to be able to get some sleep and think straight again. 
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The one we originally booked was not only giving a bit of a sketch vibe (basically it very much looked like a hotel where English tourists come to party and hook up), but the insulation on the windows was non existent so we may as well be sleeping in an ashtray. Which is a recipe for a good chest infection without even considering that Alex has a pretty bad cold as it is. Also what in the world is this on the bedside table?
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Thankfully my mum was on it while we had some dinner. She booked us a place a bit outside of Chiang Mai (where even the air outside was a little better). And although all direct flights down to Krabi (our next stop) were sold out, she found us one with couple hour layover in Bangkok. Two extra flights with stuffy sinuses (and therefore horrible earache on the plane) are not ideal but better than a chest infection! Off to have some well deserved sleep.
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katehawke · 2 years ago
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☆Passive☆
⚠️ Warnings: Self inflicted harm, 18+ Minors DNI, smut in later chapters, mentioning of mental illness. Grabber x original Character.
Chapter 1
☆Catatonic☆
December, 1953
"Darling, I promise...I'll make up for it...just give me two minutes, I know that I can make it right again.", his voice was husky and low.
"Two minutes?", Amber sighed, whilst running her hand through her auburn hair.
She shook her head, now what was that even supposed to mean.
"Stop chewing your nails, you look like a rat, devouring a piece of cheese.", she would have smiled under any other given circumstance, but right now, she felt lonely and dissapointed.
She should have known better, Al wasn't the most reliable person when it came to being home in time.
Sometimes he didn't come home at all...In the beginning of their relationship she wondered what he was up to, but right now it didn't even matter anymore...Amber realized that he probably wasn't with another woman, since his fingernails had been incredibly dirty and his overall looks seemed disheveled...well if anybody'd ask her what a drunkard looked like, she'd point at him.
He stood there still, his shoulders hanging low, at least he had stopped to bite his nails.
He drew a deep breath, turned around and she watched him leave without the slightest intention to follow him, that was at least until she heard loud noises and an unmistankingly familiar scream.
She had already started to put away the dishes and leftovers of the dinner, she had cooked for this special occassion.
She felt a sting to her guts and stumbled towards the door without thinking twice. The pavement has been covered in snow and soon enough her slippers were drenched, but she couldn't care less. The young woman made her way around the house to the backyard.
"A-Al?", her voice was high and it came more as a shriek than she had wanted.
He didn't look at her. She saw him hunched over the broken cellar window. Her heart sank when her eyes fell upon the droplets of blood, which leaked from the cuts on his hands and forearms, melting their way through the fresh snow, forming small, crimson puddles.
She couldn't think properly and whilst he was still starring blank faced at the broken surface before him, she carefully stretched out her right hand to gain his attention. Her breath formed huge clouds in the cold december air. She was shaking, mumbling nonsensical syllables.
His chest moved rapidly, drawing deep breaths as if to calm himself.
"I-I will make it good again! The blood will wash away all the errors.", his voice throaty, yet full of determination.
Amber didn't understand what he was trying to convey, her head spun and all she could think of, was that she had to get him back inside and check his wounds and make sure that he doesn't need an ambulance.
"A-Al, Darling...come, come b-back inside, ok?" She tried to fake a smile, whilst softly placing her left hand on his shoulder.
He didn't answer, but slowly turned to face her. The dark circles underneath his glistening blue eyes have been more pronounced now.
"I just want to make it all good again.", he mumbled, whilst staring into her eyes.
She nodded, not knowing what else to say. All she wanted was for him to come back inside. A huge cloud formed in front of her lips, as she finally exhaled a deep breath, thanks to the wave of relief that shifted through her, as he so willingly followed her.
She almost couldn't bear to look at the deep cuts, that graced his right forearm and the back of his hand, as he bathed his arm underneath the cold stream of water. She quickly turned an grabbed a fresh kitchen towel from the drawer next to the stove. As the water turned from red to light pink, she turned off the faucet and carefully patted his arm dry.
She looked up to see if she was hurting him, but he didn't wince nor move a single muscle in his face. His eyes staring blankely through the window above the sink.
"Al, Al, come on, don't do this again!", she tried to catch his eye, but he kept staring into the night.
She took his hand and carefully guided him to the living room and helped him to sit down on the couch, where he sank into the heavy cushions.
She tried to get his attention once more, before heading back to the kitchen to grab the first aid kit.
-----
"Iam sorry to bother you this late..-", she tried to sound as calm as she could, but Dr. Hastings, quickly interrupted her.
"Where is he right now?", his voice was calm, as always and she instantly relaxed.
"He is lying on the couch.", she didn't know why she was whispering.
"Did he hurt himself again?"
"Yes, it-", she drew a long breath and let out a deep sigh before she continued.
"It is worse than last time, I don't know if I can do this any longer." The last part was but a whisper and she instantly felt guilty for even thinking something like that, let alone voice these thoughts.
"I understand you, you need to keep an eye on your own well being!"
Chapter 2
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makeste · 4 years ago
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So there was a timeskip to April right? At the end of chapter 306 where deku’s standing on the edge of the building like the vigilante he is. Do you know how long the timeskip was? I’m a bit confused as to how the timing of everything went. I know 1a’s big three trained with endeavor after Christmas. When did the war start, end, and what month did deku wake up in the hospital? Lool sorry for the questions, I just really wanna understand this better😅
as of chapter 306, it’s been two years since the start of the series, and one year since the kids all started high school at UA (the Japanese school year runs from April through March). the kids are about to enter year two out of three, meaning they’re about to become class 2-A.
someone on reddit made a pretty excellent timeline post a couple years ago that covers everything up through December of the kids’ first year. after that, it’s pretty straightforward.
Christmas Eve - the kids have an adorable party, and Shouto offers Bakugou and Deku the chance to internship with him at Endeavor’s agency.
New Year’s Day (chapter 243) - the kids begin the new round of internships during their winter break.
early January - the kids return to school following the Endeavor Agency arc, likely around January 6. internships continue as a regular part of the kids’ training a few times a week. Aizawa and Mic meet with Kurogiri/Shirakumo in Tartarus. Ujiko starts the process of upgrading Tomura’s body and giving him AFO.
late March (chapter 257) - the War arc takes place. the heroes raid PLF headquarters at Gunga Mountain. Tomura destroys Jakku. Gigantomachia and Mr. Compress are apprehended. that same night, TomurAFO orchestrates a mass prison breakout at Tartarus and six other high security prisons.
1 day after Jakku - Hawks is discharged from the hospital and goes on his mini roadtrip with Jeanist.
2 days after Jakku - Endeavor wakes up and meets with his family. Bakugou wakes up and goes on a mini-rampage before being corralled by his classmates. Deku has a conversation with the Vestiges. All Might tells Hawks and Jeanist about OFA.
3 days after Jakku - Endeavor, Hawks, and Jeanist hold a press conference.
sometime in April (chapter 306) - Deku leaves U.A.
hopefully that clears things up a bit! we don’t know when in April the last page of chapter 306 takes place, but probably early on, as the kids don’t seem to have started classes again yet, and the sign on Heights Alliance still says 1-A (although to be fair they probably have more important things to worry about than updating signs). classes in Japan usually start the second week of April (usually April 7 or 8 according to Wikipedia), so my guess is we’ve jumped to sometime around then, meaning that the “timeskip” was most likely just a few days. Tomura has just turned 21 (happy birthday dude), Katsuki will be 17 in about two weeks, and Shinsou is just about to start in the hero course, and is probably currently questioning all of his life choices. what have you gotten yourself into, Shinsou.
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