#they both were so miserable
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I keep thinking about jealous pining desperate Stiles and Derek
But like specifically Stiles Seeing Derek kiss someone else.
Stiles goes to visit Derek at his loft and he walks into a scene from a hallmark movie. Derek is kissing some random women under fairy lights to the back drop of a sunset. Stiles feels like someone plunged their hand through his heart and infected with body with ice. He genuinely feels sick to his stomach.
Derek looks down at said person with a soft smile, thinking that this time he can be safe. Before turning and seeing Stiles. They lock eyes and stiles is so visibly distraught. Like in the āwhereās my dad sceneā. One tear sliding down his face, hands clenched, grasping at his chest as if to rip his heart out.
And Derek knows he fucked up, but he doesnāt know how. All he sees is Stiles in distress and he needs to fix it. Stiles base scent has changed in a split second, now deeply intertwined with misery. He immediately moves from his love interest towards Stiles. But Stiles wonāt let Derek comfort him. When Derek grasps his wrists, He tries to pull away.
Stiles is inconsolable at this point, choking on his sobs, barely able to breathe, barely able to see. This only makes Derek more desperate, heās trying to pull stiles into a hug but Stiles keeps fighting him. Derekās mind is racing with an explain on why stiles is falling apart in front of him. He thinks of Scott and the sheriff, praying that they are both still alive. Heās now genuinely begging stiles to let him help, to tell him whatās wrong, but stiles keeps pushing Derek away.
Derekās love interest moves to help but stiles screams when she touches him. In his shock Derek stumbles away from Stiles, but not before ripping her arm off of Stiles.
The room freezes as the both of them are just staring at each other, stiles still sobbing, Derek shaking with adrenaline or fear he doesnāt know. Before Stiles turns and runs out of his loft.
And then nothing is like it used to be. Not like the summer they spent together, not even like the days of when they first met. Stiles is so different with him. Derek canāt remember the last time he saw stiles smile, or his eyes. All he can see is the eyebags that match his own and bitten bloody lips. He barely speaks to Derek and when he does is tone is soft and flat. They no longer banter back and forth with each other exchanging friendly insults. He is a ghost of the stiles that Derek knew.
Stiles doesnāt reach out and touch him anymore, not in camaraderie or comfort. Derekās skin is devoid of stiles scent. His scent hasnāt changed from that night, now overcome with depression, pain, and tears. But even so Derek would still prefer to carry it with him. Derek feels like he is watching stiles die.
And Derek is ripping his hair out of his skull. He going insane. He has tried to talk to stiles but at meetings Stiles wouldnāt even look at him, and the Stilinski house has been lined with wolfsbane.
He goes to Scott and Lydia for advice, or understanding, fuck at this point heād even take a stupid riddle. But scott just twists his lips in disappointment while Lydia glares at him with more hatred than she does Peter. Which is really saying something.
Derek is getting more frantic as days pass and nothing changes. Itās starting to affect the pack. The betas are more snappy and uncomfortable. Derek, himself is having a had time keeping his shift under control. Anger isnāt helping, if only itās making it worse, more feral.
This costs Derek.
One night when the pack is fighting the next big bad. Derekās sleepless nights and being distracted nearly gets him killed. He only wishes he could go back to that day, he would spend it, from sunrise to sunset with Stiles. Just making him laugh and smile.
The last thing he sees before he collapses is Stiles eyes in the moonlight, glistening with tears, same as that night. Beautiful all the same. But still Derek smiles. He is at peace knowing that this will be the last thing he sees.
But he wakes up, and all he has of stiles is traces of his scent on his skin. Derek roars in anguish. He can feel his betas trying to hold him down, he can hear them screaming but it all fades to white noise. He understands nothing at this current moment but loss. His wolf wonāt stop howling.
He doesnāt fight the pull of the wolf, as he falls under his instincts. At the back of his head he knows that the people he is fighting are his pack mate, his own betas. The smell of blood affronts his senses. But nothing can be felt but violent grief.
The wolves in his den are wary and hesitant to fight him, as they should be. He can hear more wolves coming, and the deafening heartbeat of prey. He snarls at the prey that moves closer to him, fulling intending the go for the kill. As he pounces on the prey pressing him to the ground, teeth reaching to sink into his neck, he feels Stiles hands on his chest and he stops. The scent of Stiles is all around him, and Derek presses his face to his neck. Keeping Stiles pinned to the ground.
Thus way stiles cannot escape, cannot leave Derek grappling with the thought of losing him. Another wolf tries to get closer, reaching for stiles but Derek snarls at him. Stiles talks to the wolf, ā
āDonāt worry about it Scotty, I got it from hereā
āYou sure dude?ā
āYeah, take the wonder trio and get out of here. Weāre good.ā
ā as Derek pulls him into his lap, face still pressed into the junction between neck and shoulder. Not even willing to miss even the vibrations of Stiles voice. The wolves leave and Derek can finally relax and enjoy the presence of Stiles.
Derek feels overwhelmed, after weeks of not interacting with Stiles he is now surrounded by him. His hands run through Derekās hair, his voice floats in the air, his scent finally intermingling with his own. This idea of losing the heat of stiles body pressed against his, makes Derek pull stiles even closer.
He doesnāt know how long they sit together but when he comes out of the fog. Derek breaks. A complete reversal of the night he lost stiles. Derek is crying in ernest, pleading and apologizing over and over again. Stiles is hesitant when he places his hands on Derek cheek. But when Derek leans into it Stiles begins to wipe the tears from his face.
They both face each other with open expressions. Stiles struggles to finds words to explain to Derek but all he can get out is a broken repeat of Derekās own apology.
Derek felt as if his heart couldnāt know anymore pain, but as Stiles choked out an apology he could feel another piece break. Derek was just relived that stiles was finally letting him comfort him. Derek pressed their foreheads together and took a deep breath. Waiting for stiles to following along with his breathing. When they both calmed down stiles Slumped exhausted into his chest. With a heavy limbs Derek picked him up and carried him to the bed. Derekās bed.
Neither of them need to speak durning this time. Derek was reluctant to set Stiles down, to let go for even a second. Instead he settled for watching Stiles as they both undressed and fell into the bed. Finally after weeks of sleepless nights, unrest and nightmares, they both full asleep wrapped in each others arms.
Derek refuse to open his eyes when he awakes. Afraid that when he does, Stiles will be gone and this would be a cruel dream. So he keeps them closed even when he hear Stiles breathe hitch. Even as he hears his heartbeat pick up. Even as stiles trails his fingers over Derekās face. But he does open them as stiles presses a kiss to his lips.
Derek kisses him back just as fiercely. And this leads to teary confessions ā āDonāt fucking lie to me Derek please, I canāt take it, donāt fucking kiss me out of pity.ā
āNever out of pity, Mi Vida, I never wish to part from you even again, I love you, Mieczyslaw, truly. I can finally breathe again.ā ā They spend the day in bed, only leaving to eat. Even then they are always touching the other in some way.
After this Scott and Lydia pull Derek aside and threaten him with extreme violence. Peter joyfully welcomes stiles to the family.
(Honestly this was a whole train wreck. I also had another idea/version where this was happening during the nogistune. Where Stiles goes over to Derekās loft as the darkness around his heart fills heavier that day and he sees Derek kiss someone else. The this is what finally pushes stiles over and allows the nogistune to fully take over. And Derek is forced to listen to the fox gleefully tell him that this action nearly broke Stiles. That while turning feral Derek has to learn that his actions cost him another person he loves. That because of this stiles and Derek are turning into twisted version of themselves. But honestly a fox should have never underestimated how far a wolf would go for their mate)
My bad for the long post but if you made it to the end, welcome to the trenches and suffering in the misery with me.
#sterek#stiles stilinski#derek hale#stiles x derek#when stiles pines for Derek itās in such a gut wrenching way#I donāt know how to explain it but like bratty depressed stiles#Derek went three hours without stiles and his brain broke and went insane#the betas were genuinely considering putting him in Eichen House#man was genuinely tweaking#they both were so miserable#Derek was so close to either ripping out his own heart or kidnapping stiles to get him to talk to him#derek x stiles#derek hale is obsessed with him#teen wolf#the way I frantically write this all out in one go and couldnāt stop until I finished#wtf#freak4freak
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I've never been more normal in my life.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#jin zixuan#jiang yanli#Both LWJ and JZX are failing so miserably at the deception check in this scene.#The maneuvers are wild. I am putting them into a petri dish.#LWJ yelling at the guy he's madly infatuated with. Who is earnestly asking what's wrong and trying to bridge the gap between you.#Absolute fumble. No wonder WWX is fully convinced this guy hated him. LWJ was dropping all the wrong signs.#No really. If you have a fraught relationship with someone and they yell at you -#-You can't really walk back from that. All you can do is go 'Oh I make this person *miserable* huh?' and leave them be.#And JIN ZIXUAN. My GUY. What were you doing here? Was it nerves?#Like go you for knowing so many snake facts (that is real by the way I didn't make that up).#And true. Some people really do go wild for knowledge dumps. I am assigning JYL as one of those people. To help him recover the fumble.#JZX being a little bit (a lot bit) lame is probably the best thing for his character. I like him just a bit more for this.
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Drawing of a scene from chapter 7 of @entryn17 ās fic uncanny all along
#tw blood#oh this fucking fic.#it made me feel things so viscerally#one of the few things that is both well written enough and miserable enough to actually want the comfort part of the hurt comfort#and a lot of the scenes got me#I think in ch7 specifically the ones that really stuck out were this one#and Bonnie in the hallway#previous chapters the not-a-favor-tree tree praying for loop got me sooo so bad#whole thing got me though beginning to end#I kind of hoped this would turn out better. but yk it happens#in stars and time#isat#isat siffrin#isat mirabelle#isat spoilers#fawntonguesart
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the fact that my friend discovered she was demisexual and aromantic because she met me and i explained what those were is why its so important that aspec identities get talked about in the real world and not just online cause a lot of people just wont ever be in these spaces
#and im not saying its the job of every individual aspec person to inform the public about everything#but if there are groups you are capable of talking about it with or there are ways to sneak it into the mainstream more and more#thats how more people get to stop living miserable lives since they didnt know these identities were possible#cause she was MISERABLE thinking about her past romantic relationships and being in any future ones#and now we have sex and hang out and thats so much more fulfilling for both of us than how we lived before#aromantic#arospec#aspec#asexual#aroace#aroallo#alloaro#queer#acespec
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question for ur gemini au: do they ever get cloaking broaches/do they have cloaking broaches and if yes why do they use them?
me: im not gonna draw anything for any of these asks, just simple easy answers, that's all--
idiot-mushroom, my beloved mutual, asking this and giving me the opportunity to make yet another set of TMNT human designs:
ANYWAY! they don't OWN cloaking brooches of their own, but every now and again they'll get a pair for the evening for some topside dinner or charity event or what-have-you that Mama wants them present for. And they look a little like this!
this is a rare occasion and has only really been something they've been asked to participate in a handful of times over the past several years. they both find it horribly stressful for a variety of different reasons.
#very high stakes for leo#since#you know#hes still keeping his secret#the first time they learned they were gonna go to a 'human' event and were going to be expected to wear cloaking brooches he had like#a whole ass breakdown#but donnie took care of everything#and it was okay#they have a system#donnie hates wearing the brooches as well because its just a bad sensory experience for him#so every time theyre in their 'human' forms they both are just stressed af the whole time and miserable#crash as soon as its over#theyre both so grateful its such a rare occurance#asks#gemini au#gemini au asks#rottmnt#rottmnt separated au#rottmnt au#rottmnt human au#tmnt human au#tmnt human designs#rottmnt human designs#fidgetwing#idiot-mushroom#eheheh maybe ill make a comic abt this sometime...
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was... was Sevika just left to assume Isha was dead? Jinx didn't come home. she gave up. Isha wasn't with Vi or anyone who left the battle field. word probably spread of the explosion. but did anyone actually tell her Isha was dead? or did she just have to wait and wait and wait, waiting for news that would never come, until all she could assume was that Isha was dead. Jinx was gone. the war waged on. Jayce called them to fight. that was that. cause that's fucking awful.
#I can't think of a single person that would have known about Isha AND would have made/known to make the effort to tell her#cause the only person who could have would have been Vi amd Cait#and I don't think either would consider her having liked the kid. or liked her enough to consider tracking her down to give her the news#and like. she might have found out through word of mouth. but that's not much better.#she lost both of her girls in an instant#she might have seen Jinx briefly in battle#but she didn't get to say goodbye to either of them#no wonder she looked so miserable on the council#the two people close to her that she was fighting for were gone#she was loyal to Zaun. she'd never give up the fight. but her girls would never see the world she would make.#sevika#sevika arcane#isha#isha arcane#jinx#jinx arcane#arcane season 2#arcane season two#arcane#arcane spoilers
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i think there's really something to be said about how there has never been a record i've encountered where people wanted justification or excuse to refuse to acknowledge the intention and seriousness of the project itself like danger days by both defenders and haters. i find it so incredibly bizarre and strange and partially fascinating.
#its all wrapped up in what danger days represents for people partially.#like idk ive been trying to verbalize it for yeaarsss but it always feels like people rhetorically discuss it as a side-effect#of whatever neurosis soothes their narrative. its a record of immense mania and tragedy for some people for instance#which i find very laughable but whatever. people want dd to be miserable for so many reasons#which is immediately rendered sort of null when you compare parade. both the touring and the album making process.#like realistically this is a band that every single record is shaded with immense difficulty and uncertainty#but instead of dealing with that fans love to sort of isolate danger days since its this moment of betrayal its the beginning of the end#its not what people wanted#when realisitically the single biggest creative pressure on the band would've been being severely in debt#to the label for scrapping con weap. LMAO. but that never factors. because its about narratives.#like danger days To Me is an incredibly ambitious record. clearly personal. artistically inspired. absolutely rushed job#because they were bleeding money.#but its cool that they took that stand!!! and they had to have felt collectively passionate enough to do that in the first place!#but people want to engage with it on the terms of their disappointment. or the record as a harbinger of doom.#idk i was reading rym reviews (a mistake) and its wild how the critical positive consensus is either#incredibly stupid teenagers thinking mcr want to firebomb a walmart or 'well its not as good but i like fun things!'#am i crazy for thinking it more serious than that? that its pulling sonically from a wide array of inspirations and actually working#in conversation with them???#anyway. synths 4ever.#my posts
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zam got his vi back and now he has his mapicc back š„¹š„¹š„¹ prince zam Win despite the horrors !
#lifesteal spoilers#im gonna be so honest im so happy they made up#they were both so miserable when they were seperated š#but like. i feel like getting vi back#getting mapicc back#its smt zam has needed#like he has taken loss after LOSS this season ;-;#so like surely. surely things get better from here !
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made some new icons for this blog and my main āļø
#snoey#monstersona#undertale monstersona#undertale oc#undertale fan character#undertale art#original art#sona#holoskart#it occurred to me that the arts I'd been using for both blogs were 3 - 4 years old so. pretty overdue for something new!#fun fact the sweater in the heart icon is Technically the same one I've drawn toriel wearing a few times#but I do own one in that colour now! irl the turtleneck is too baggy to stay up like that but I can wear a scarf under it at least#when the weather isn't Miserably Warm that is >:/
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this beautiful idiot went to live with someone else and honestly, both of our QOL are much better HAHA
#she just could not vibe with a house full of other animals#her anxiety manifested in insatiably eating everything#not just food#cardboard plastic you name it#i had to lock cupboards and put books on the bin so she couldnt open it and rummage through it#she screamed for food constantly#she innappropriately toileted constantly#to the point where i bought two automatic litter trays so they were always spotless in case that was the issue#she was medicated and given daily enrichment#but nope#anyway after over a year of kind of hating our life together#i bit the bullet and rehomed her#her food obsession has disappered and besides peeing on their bathmat once#she has used the litter tray without issue#we make a commitment to our pets yall#but do not force yourself to keep them if you are both miserable#i wish i was brave enough to have done this sooner#anyway#rehoming is not the devil#and you can do it responsibly#bye ferg i'm sorry to say i don't miss you#but i'm so glad you're finally happy#fergie#the cat edition
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I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW HER FOR WHAT SHE WAS
My Little Sister - May Williams Ward / HP, SS / HP, DH / Reading the Salem Witch Child - Kristina West / Diamonds and Toads - Charles Perrault / Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? - Jeanette Winterson / Goblin Market - Christina Rossetti / Letters of Edna St. Vincent Millay
#happy āher blood became your refugeā friday!#web#lily evans#evans sisters#petunia evans#the amount i had to cut to get this down to 30ā¦.#like 5 goblin market quotes were scrapped#ok this is my evans sisters thesis with a little harry wrapped in#maybe iāll write something up trying to explainā¦is this totally incoherentā¦.#anyway petunia consumed by childhood resentment to the point that it grows into something so ugly and mean that she lives#her life in opposition to lily her magical sister- ultimately a betrayal of her childhood self who wanted to be like lily and would#be horrified by what she grows up into- she is unable to nurture lily's son even a little bit#that's how deep her envy and self-delusion runs. so harry and her are both miserable now...sisterless and motherless#only lily could fix this but she died at 21. sad!
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So I changed my settings on the app I use to record these. What do we think of the new settings? (no rustling?!?!)
#I'm actually so mad#you have no idea how many recordings I have that I love but I wish were better quality#I love Jordan he is my fav Javert#next time I see him I can get a recording with the new settings and then I can have both#because believe me I will see him again#Les Miserables#Javert#Jordan Simon Pollard#Stewart Clarke#!! this is the same jordan audio I've previously uploded !!
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Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...
You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.
And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?
(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)
Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?
You can't think about yourselfā acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.
You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.
#Dimension 20#fig faeth#fhjy#Idle Chatter#my last two years of college were when I started to get more and more nauseous about my own art#because I wasn't being taught how to make the art I wanted to make#the whole curriculum's focus was on gallery art#which infuriated me! I wanted to make art that didn't have to involve twelve layers of meaning and metaphor to be considered good!!#so I drove myself into the ground time and again trying to make (miserable) work that I thought would fit the criteria of a Real Artist#anyway it's been 4 years and I'm just now picking at why I don't enjoy creating anymore so Fig's whole arc has hit home in a major way#ALSO. AAAAALSO. THE ADHD STRUGGLE WE SEE WITH BOTH FIG AND KRISTEN. LOVING SOMETHING BUT STILL STRUGGLING WITH FOLLOW THROUGH#BEING TOLD YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH WHEN IT'S SO FUCKING HARD JUST TO GET WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY IT'S HARD FOR YOU#it was easy and now that the rubber's hit the road it's hard for you but not for others so it must be YOU that's the problem#you must be lazy or stupid or just not suited to this after all even though it's part of a pattern that has been happening all your life#if you were good enough or cared enough then surely the discipline would come easily to you! the way it comes easily to all your classmates#SCREAMS I gotta stop before I write a second essay in the tags. I'm so normal you can trust me to be normal about D&D characters
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sceo weekend 2023 (day 1) ā identity (what do their identities mean to them? to each other?)
the problem with liking is the conflation of desire with similarity. ā³ claire schwartz
#sceoweekend2023#twedit#sceoedit#teenwolfedit#sceo#ok hiiiiiii#for my tags#tw#scott mccall#theo raeken#okay so this is about. where the lines blur. the venn diagram of who they both are#a true alpha is a miracle and the first chimera is a monster#both are made by sheer force of will. neither is rly supposed to exist. how were they supposed to exist together. how could they exist apar#so theo is a killer and scott is killed. but who desires what and who is satisfied and who is rotting#scott tells liam that he can't let him kill him and then tells theo he has to kill him himself. theo kills scott and looks miserable#theo killing scott frees scott and traps theo. the only alpha who can exist outside of being an alpha is a dead alpha#the only chimera that escapes the doctors is a dead chimera. or else a chimera with dead doctors (but we haven't gotten to that part yet)#their roles dictate how the part is played. they both have to conform to their roles. they do not exist outside of them#so obviously theo is not allowed to win and scott is not allowed to die#what is a shadow but the place where ground meets body. so theo would always get him on the ground#how does a shadow exist without the sun and body to cast it. so scott would always get back up#is this making sense to anyone but me#stiles can leave town and lydia can go to college and malia can go to paris if she really wants to and so can isaac#and jackson and ethan can go to london and etc etc etc#but once in the town neither scott nor theo can really get away from it. scott because he's scott and theo because scott is scott.#the story revolves around scott and theo revolves around scott and not even death allows them to escape the narrative#this is the crux and core of them both
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actually still baffled about how they managed to stay together for 77 years. 77 YEARS. just decade after decade despite all the betrayal and the lies and the dissatisfaction like i'm going insane. there is literally no reason for them to ever interact again because they should have divorced years ago and too much has happened and louis is definitely sick of armand but then also. they were together for 77 years. that's such a significant time, even for immortals. i just need to see them interact again at some point, if only as bitter exes so be it
#it's just such a long time that it's almost shocking considering how dysfunctional their relationship was < me speaking as a loumand fan lol#like i know it was probably miserable at some points but also not miserable enough to leave each other i guess.#but then again where would you go????#they basically killed each others families so#the only one left is each other and i mean you're not going to spend eternity alone#i feel like i actually get that part very much but i can't wrap my head around 70+ years. it's insanity#trying to imagine me with my long-term gf whom i love and like very much for 77 years is already.... a stretch like. that's a lot of time#BUT if we were both immortal then i get it actually. because no one wants to be alone forever like yeah duh.#but louis stayed with armand out of SPITE. so that makes it crazy again#interview with the vampire#iwtv#loumand
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Two character dynamics (that cannot coexist) that I've been musing over the past few days:
Buffy and Jenny as reluctant character mirrors who are unable to make peace with each other, but Dawn thinks Jenny is cool much to Buffy's chagrin.
Buffy and Jenny airing their grievances as they recognise themselves in each other and reach a tentative peace for the sake of the group, but Dawn never forgives Jenny for upsetting her sister.
#jenny calendar#buffy summers#dawn summers#meg.txt#buffy and jenny both harmed by angel and then deceiving each other in relation to him? oh the wealth of material between these two#by the group i do mostly mean giles#dawn i think would do a noble job at making jenny's life miserable#so jenny would make sure there were no good snacks in when they had to babysit and other little forms of warfare#ANYWAY! there's so many ways you could go and it's a shame none of them happened
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