#theres so much i need to expand on still

[stevie-petey]

What if bugs favorite song was left by her dad? Like let's say long ago before her dad truly became a dick, he would sit with bug and Dustin and sing to them or teach them to play instruments. I personally think bug is a former daddy's girl ( but I can't be certain cause idk what he was like) so she'd love to hear her dad sing to her and it was just a very sweet moment for them. Well bugs Dad gifts her a little cassette tape of her favorite songs her dad would sing ( let's be real we heard Dustin in never ending story, bug and Dustin had to have got their musical prowess from someone). They're still her favorite despite the bittersweet feelings behind them. She hates her dad for leaving but still cherishes the memories behind the music. It reminds her of a simpler time before all the chaos she's been through. The memory behind it is just her, Dustin and her dad sitting on the porch ( giving mama Henderson a well deserved break). Dustin and bug are little then. Dustin is a toddler and can't quite keep still yet, but still listening to his dad, while bugs right there at his side. It's cool out, mellow wind, calm skies closer to sunset. It's a memory she holds very dear to her, which leads to some complicated feelings, but still it's nice.

my dear anon youre absolutely correct. bug was a daddys girl, she adored her father so much, and while she adores her mom, she recognizes that dustin is more similar to her than she is and that hes the mommas boy.

when the divorce happens, it hurt because not only did bug lose her role model and favorite person in the world, she also lost the parent who knew her best. he taught her everything she knows now, from her taste in comics to the music she likes and how to always be kind to those who may not deserve it. her dad was the reason for all of this, and its why she became so mean and spiteful when he left. how are you expected to continue kindness when the person who taught it to you leaves ?

and ive been careful to not mention any singing stuff yet, because bug CAN sing and its more lore that we will see in season 3 and 4 !!

but to sum up: yes, her favorite song is from her dad, and steve will unknowingly bring warmth back to a cold memory she was haunted by for a long, long time

[red-dyed-sarumane]

love that i went "im going to be so annoying about the isotopes now that i have their plushies" & all of u went "omg yay isotope posting". peace & love on planet earth

[artficlly]

lessons in lovemaking [part two]

marvel au bucky x blackwidow!reader You and Bucky Barnes go undercover as a married couple, but when a fake kiss gets too real, he unexpectedly finishes in his pants—leaving you both stunned.

Warnings: 18+ content minors dni, smut, fem reader, dry humping, blindfolding, grinding, soft dom vibes reader, soft sub vibes bucky, bucky is touch starved, clothed ejaculation, vague mentions of previous sa, ex black widow reader, very consensual, safe words, kissing, bucky barnes needs a hug, if you squint, there's some plot, fluff, angst, bickering, reader is lowkey depressed, mentions of past violence, death and war, no use of y/n, lmk if i've missed anything

Word Count: 8.6k

A/N: hey guys, i'm literally so nervous posting this... it's been sitting in my drafts for like a month now and i finally worked up the courage to post after spending a couple hours editing :( i'm literally scheduling this to post at like 3am my time so i'm not awake when it goes live i'm so anxious bahaha. the start of this part is a bit slow, pls hold on because theres some light smut and angst at the end. i have plans for further parts that'll look more into the other avengers finding out and the development between bucky and readers relationship and their shared healing. sorry for any typos - not proof read.

main masterlist | series masterlist

It was only on rare occasions that the full team of Avengers (and co.) were in the same room. A momentous historical moment, in fact, normally reserved for two particular occasions:

The world was ending (in some gloriously diabolical way that usually involved aliens, interdimensional warlords, or some ancient, forgotten god with a vendetta) or

Tony Stark was throwing another one of his famously exclusive penthouse parties (which, despite being ‘exclusive,’ still managed to include half of New York—most of whom showed up just to gawk at the Avengers like a travelling circus act sent to entertain them personally.)

Today, it seemed, was neither of those occasions. Thor and the rest of the Asgardians—Bruce Banner included, oddly enough—were busy rebuilding after the destruction of Asgard. Wanda and Vision were off playing happy family elsewhere, and Clint was busy with his own quickly expanding family. The others, agents, specialists, the people whose names you never bothered to remember, were preoccupied with their own missions. Which left you here, filed neatly into the elusive extra category. Not quite an Avenger. Too valuable to be let loose, too unpredictable to be fully trusted.

You leant back in your chair, only half-listening to the conversation beside you. The skin around your thumbnail was raw. You picked at it absentmindedly, peeling back the edge where it had already started to flake, a sting flaring along the nail. You were thinking—too much, maybe—so you let them talk, let yourself disappear as they debated which bar had the strongest drinks and the least pathetic men.

The three of you were early. By some miracle, morning training had ended ahead of schedule. Natasha had wiped the floor with you, to the point where it probably would’ve been more productive to stay on the mat rather than waste your energy hauling yourself back up.

“What do you think?” It took you a second to realise Yelena was talking to you, elbows propped on the table, chin resting in her hand. She was watching you expectantly, sharp eyes narrowed.

You didn’t look up. “I’m not coming.”

She sighed dramatically. “You never hang out with us.” She leant back in her chair with an exaggerated huff, muttering under her breath, “So mysterious and cool. You think you’re better than us?” 

Natasha watched on amused, the redhead poised as always. “She doesn’t want to drink in front of us in case she spills her secrets.”

You scoffed. “What secrets?”

“I don’t know.” Natasha leant forward, watching you a little too closely now, like she was gauging your reaction. “How about how that mission went with Barnes?”

Ever since the gala mission, the two had been trying to get you alone, a few drinks in, hoping for something—a slip, an offhanded remark, anything that would confirm whatever hunches they had. You knew what they were fishing for. They weren’t subtle.

You just weren’t playing.

Neither you nor Bucky had said a word about it.

That, apparently, was suspicious.

“She is right, you know. Neither of you will say a word about it. I’m beginning to think something happened—” Yelena cut over her sister with a grin.

“Nothing happened,” you interrupted smoothly, finally lifting your eyes from the wreckage of your thumbnail. “You keep asking, but you’re not going to uncover some dirty secret. Sorry to disappoint."

“Then why the silence? No one would care if you fucked him, you could just plead innocence, overcome by playing the perfect, doting wife—”

You shot her a look, one withering enough to turn bone to dust and ego to rubble. 

“I mean… maybe people would care, but I wouldn’t judge you! Super soldier, metal arm… so hot, or whatever.” Yelena prattled on, and you ignored her, exhaling through your nose.

"I think he’s just mortified that people assume something did happen. He’s got enough brooding energy as it is." You muttered. 

“I just don’t believe nothing happened, trapped in that hotel room together for a week. Apparently, you were convincing enough to keep the targets off your scent, and we all know Barnes’ acting is as stiff as a cadaver on ice—”

Your face twisted into a look of exasperation before you could control yourself, straightening in your seat. “God, you two really are like vultures, picking around for the slightest bit of gossip—”

“Wow, defensive—” 

“Isn’t that the joy in life? Digging for gossip?” Natasha cut back in with a sharp smirk.

“You two are insufferable!” You interrupted, slapping your palms onto your thighs. "I think I’ll keep my secrets. I’ll leave the both of you to continue plotting this fantastical mystery you’ve created in your minds—”

“It’s only fun because you get so worked up about it,” Natasha cut back with a grin you could only describe as predatory. “Plus, I do love watching Rogers squirm listening to all the theories."

“You know,” Yelena mused, swirling the thought around before letting it slip, “I don’t think Steve is as innocent as we think he is. I’m pretty sure I heard him and Sharon—”

She cut herself off just as the door swung open, and the rest of the team filtered in.

You schooled your reaction, easily slipping back into the picture of nonchalance. Bucky’s blue eyes flickered towards yours for a split second before darting away. It had been two weeks since your first ‘lesson’. Two weeks of carefully measured distance, of subtle glances that never lasted too long, of conversations that stayed just professional enough to not raise questions.

Bucky had been doing well—shockingly well, actually. He was receptive to your touch, followed your guidance with careful precision, and was beginning to trust you, bit by bit. You hadn’t gone much further than heated make-out sessions that usually ended with him finishing in his pants, but you weren’t in a rush. You were still feeling out his comfort zones, making sure he never felt cornered or overwhelmed. There wasn’t exactly a handbook for this kind of arrangement.

You slumped in your seat even further, shaking off the feeling. It was fine. No one knew.

Still, the way Bucky avoided looking in your direction made something prickle under your skin.

You were certain the super soldier would combust on the spot if any of his coworkers caught wind of what the two of you had been up to. Hell, he turned red enough just having you perched in his lap during lessons, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. And yet, during meetings, training, or any moment the two of you were forced into the same orbit, you couldn’t help but wonder—did he think about those moments? Did his mind drift back to the ghost of your touch the same way yours did?

You weren’t usually the sentimental type. Nostalgia was a luxury, a foolish indulgence you had long since trained yourself out of. But there was something about him—his quiet hesitance, his wary but willing surrender—that stuck with you. It was a service, nothing more. A transaction in which you gained no tangible benefit, so why did you linger on it? Why did the thought of his gaze meeting yours send a sharp thrill through your chest? Was it because he treated you like a person instead of a tool? Because he understood pieces of you no one else even tried to?

He wasn’t like the others. Never cruel, never greedy. He never reached for more than you offered, never treated you like something to be taken. Maybe that was why you kept coming back. Maybe, for once, you liked the control. Liked the feeling of choosing, of being wanted on your own terms. Of knowing that, for once, you weren’t a marionette dancing on someone else’s strings.

You swallowed the thought down and let your gaze flicker to him. Bucky sat curled in on himself, as if trying to shrink into nothing despite the broadness of his frame. He looked like a wounded animal—no, worse. He looked exhausted. The dark circles beneath his eyes had deepened, his hair unwashed and slightly greasy at the roots. He wasn’t sleeping. He wasn’t taking care of himself. You didn’t need to be a genius to figure that out.

He stared blankly at the grain of the wooden table, shoulders hunched between Steve and Sam, who were deep in conversation about something you didn’t care enough to eavesdrop on. And for reasons you weren’t ready to name, that quiet, hollow stillness of his sat uneasily in your chest.

You had… concerns for Bucky after what he had confessed to you. But you weren’t sure what to do with those concerns. Or those confessions. You held them close to your chest, unwilling to betray his trust, but understanding instead. You knew it was probably irresponsible of you to sit on them, but you didn’t want to overstep. Besides, Steve and Sam didn’t know you. You’d had maybe three conversations with each of them, most of them mission-related. To them, you were just Natasha and Yelena’s friend—Red Room collateral. You weren’t social, you weren’t a part of their circle, and you sure as hell weren’t someone they trusted.

And if they knew about your arrangement with Bucky… well, you didn’t want to think about what conclusions they’d draw—

“Hi!”

The sudden, chirpy voice nearly startled you out of your seat.

Kate Bishop had arrived—loud, bright, and effortlessly excitable, like a golden retriever in human form. She had that kind of energy that made you suspicious. No one was that happy all the time. Her dark hair was pulled into a ponytail, messy strands framing her face. She was dressed in casual, slightly dishevelled layers, looking like she had just come from sparring but didn’t have the same dead-in-the-eyes exhaustion you did after a training session.

“I’m Kate!” she announced, beaming at you like you were about to be best friends. She pushed her hand out. “Kate Bishop.”

You blinked at her, ignoring her outstretched offer. “I know.”

Her grin didn’t waver, and she coolly withdrew her hand.

“You’re Clint and Yelena’s pet project.” You spoke again, your tone perhaps a little more hostile than necessary. 

“It’s apprentice, actually.” Yelena cut in before Kate could argue. “You know, you’re starting to hurt my feelings. Stark has an apprentice, so why are you always giving me shit—”

“Oh yes, Stark’s pet project.” You gave an exaggerated sigh. “What was his name? Paxton, Peyton, or was it Parker?”

“Did I ask for your opinion, K.G.B. Barbie?” Tony Stark’s voice cut in lazily as he walked past, sitting at the head of the table like he owned the place—which, unfortunately for you, he did. As usual, he didn’t look pleased to see you, and the scent of entitlement wafted off of him in waves.

You met his gaze evenly. "No, but I was under the impression that unsolicited opinions were your love language, considering the amount your hand out.”

He scoffed, shaking his head. “Remind me why we let you sit at the big kids’ table again?”

"You don’t." You glanced at Stark, unimpressed. "But I was invited, shockingly enough. Or are you reckless enough to ignore Fury’s instructions now?"

There it was. That smirk. He smirked at you, and you knew in your heart he had the foulest, most cutting rebuke to lay upon you. He hadn’t even opened his mouth, and you were already grinding your teeth in frustration as you stared back at him, eyes locked onto his smug face—

Kate cleared her throat, stepping in before you and Stark could escalate any further. “So, what do you do?”

Stark held his tongue, so in return, you slid your gaze back over to a nervous Kate. And in that moment, you knew you couldn’t help yourself. Natasha had already shot you a warning look, but the redhead's trained patience for the playboy Stark had unfortunately never extended to you. 

"Infiltration, espionage, recon." You shrugged, expression carefully neutral. "I gather information, and then the big boys get to swoop in, throw a few punches, and take all the credit. Isn’t that right, Stark?"

Maybe you had woken up grouchier than usual—not that you could even call the few hours of restless tossing and turning sleep. Or perhaps it was the fact that you’d spent the morning eating the training mat, then had to suffer through Natasha and Yelena’s constant interrogations that had soured your mood. Either way, you weren’t exactly in the best headspace to deal with him.

Truthfully, you thought Stark was a prick, and unfortunately, you had never been exactly shy about that opinion. You and Stark had just never really clicked. Not in the way he had with the others, not in the way Natasha had seamlessly folded herself into the team, or the way Yelena had bulldozed her way in, loud and brash. You existed somewhere in between, tolerated but always lingering on the outside. It wasn’t that you didn’t get along with them. You could banter with Sam, hold an easy conversation with Steve when necessary and trade dry humour with Clint in a way that made you feel almost at home. Even Stark, for all his grating personality, wasn’t always intolerable. But there was always something between you and them—an unspoken distance, a careful line you never crossed. They didn’t entirely trust you yet, and you never gave them a reason to try.

Not because you didn’t want to.

But because trust had never been a luxury you could afford.

Your job was reading people—analysing, dissecting, and manipulating. You understood them better than they understood themselves, saw the cracks in their foundations and knew precisely where to apply pressure. It made you valuable. Indispensable even, but it also made people wary. The team knew what you were, even if they didn’t know the full extent of what you had been. But deep down, you knew they were smart enough to assemble the pieces.

So you kept yourself at arm’s length. You wanted to believe you could have that feeling—belonging. But wanting and trusting were two very different things that you did not dare confuse.

Kate’s eyes lit up. “That’s so cool.”

“That’s a polite way of putting it,” Stark interjected, leaning against the desk. “She’s just a pretty face we send in to distract while the rest of us do the actual work.”

There it was.

Your jaw clenched, but you didn’t rise to the bait. This was your hubris. You could already hear Natasha’s scolding—You really shouldn’t egg him on like that. The two of you are as bad as each other, always trying to get under each other's skin. A bunch of alleycats fighting it’s ridiculous—

Somewhere across the table, Bucky’s eyes had shot up. The movement startled you, and your eyes met briefly. It was milliseconds, maybe not even that, but as soon as you registered your brief exchange, Bucky shied away like a spooked animal.

And when you looked back at Kate, Natasha and Yelena, you found that Natasha had been watching the whole thing. She didn’t speak, didn’t even react. There wasn’t the slightest twitch in her brow or twinge in her lips. She stared like some kind of omnipotent god, and deep down, you knew. You knew she knew. 

Maybe she didn’t know the full extent, but the way she stared… it made you shudder.

Fuck.

Kate, however, frowned, turning back to you. “That’s not true, right?”

“Of course not,” you deadpanned, not letting the dread pooling in your stomach let you miss a beat. “I do much more than look pretty. Sometimes I get to torture people—”

Kate’s face pale, then through several stages of grief, trying to figure out if you were joking. 

You weren’t about to help her.

“Relax, Kate Bishop, she is messing with you,” Yelena said with an amused grin, though it was tight. A silent warning behind her eyes told you to keep your mouth shut.

Kate still looked mildly concerned, but she shook it off quickly. “Okay, but—so you can fight?”

“Of course.”

“Not as well as me,” Yelena cut in before you could elaborate, grinning smugly. “Don’t worry, Kate. You’re being trained by the best of the best. Me? I am the best. You know this.”

You rolled your eyes, and Kate beamed. That girl was too fucking cute for her own good.

The door swung open before anyone could respond to Yelena. Fury stepped inside, long coat sweeping behind him, his boots heavy against the floor. His usual expression—somewhere between perpetually pissed off and quietly judgmental—was firmly in place beneath the shadow of his eyepatch.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything," Fury said, his voice edged with dry amusement, though his gaze flicked between you all with razor-sharp scrutiny.

"No, sir," Steve said, back straightening. Natasha, ever composed, merely leaned back in her chair. Stark didn’t even spare a glance.

“First off, I’d like to extend my deepest, most heartfelt gratitude for your attendance,” Fury began, spreading his arms in a broad, insincere gesture, his tone so dry it could have turned the room to dust. “I know how much of a hardship it is, taking an hour out of your busy lives to sit in a comfortable chair and listen to me talk.”

Sam snorted. Yelena smirked. Bucky, as usual, remained unreadable.

Fury’s eye landed on you and Bucky before he tossed a slim tablet onto the table, the display already flashing with the text of a mission report you hardly cared to examine in detail.

“Congratulations are in order. The gala infiltration went exceptionally well despite the odds stacked against you.”

You dipped your head in acknowledgement, catching movement out of the corner of your eye—Sam begrudgingly sliding Fury what seemed to be a twenty-dollar bill. Asshole.

Fury tapped the screen embedded in the table, replacing the mission debrief with a new set of images. An aerial view of a club, snippets of surveillance footage, a grainy close-up of a man slipping out of a side entrance, bodyguards in tow.

“And thanks to that intel recovered,” Fury continued, “we now have a location on our next target. Dmitry Karpin. Friend to H.Y.D.R.A. Dealt in smuggling high-profile weapons in and out of Soviet countries for a time, but now he’s taken to smuggling drugs. Serums, to be specific.”

Across the table, Bucky had gone still. Tension coiled in his shoulders, his hands resting stiffly on the surface, knuckles taut. H.Y.D.R.A. Serum. The words alone were enough to suffocate the room when Bucky or Steve were around. You didn’t let your eyes linger on him long nor allow your frown to deepen. 

Fury didn’t acknowledge the shift—maybe he was used to it by now, or perhaps he just didn’t care. His voice remained steady, rolling over the tension in the room as if he were reciting lines from a well-rehearsed script. Karpin’s security detail. The club’s weak points. Entry and exit strategies. The words blurred together, dissolving into background noise beneath the low hum of static in your head. It was hard to focus when you could feel Bucky sitting across from you, motionless, barely even breathing, his whole body locked up like a loaded fucking gun. And the worst part? He probably thought he was doing a good job hiding it.

You didn’t stare, didn’t let your concern show. Instead, you leant back in your chair, tilting your head just enough to feign disinterest. “So, just another fun-filled evening of chatting up sweaty old men for me? Sounds like a dream.” Your voice came out dry, with just enough sarcasm to mask any wobbles. 

Fury didn’t spare you a glance. “If that’s what you need to tell yourself,” he said, tapping the screen again. More grainy footage. More blueprints. The details kept coming, but you barely registered them.

You picked at your thumbnail hard enough that the cuticle began to bleed.

Eventually, the meeting drew to a close. Chairs scraped against the floor as the team rose, murmuring amongst themselves as they filed out. You stood, ready to follow, but—

“You two, stick around,” Fury instructed.

You hesitated, glancing at him, then at Bucky, who had also stalled mid-step. Natasha and Yelena exchanged a knowing look, their amusement not at all subtle. You ignored their barely concealed grins as they disappeared through the door.

Fury exhaled, hands bracing against the table as he surveyed the two of you. 

“I’ll be honest,” he said finally. “I wasn’t convinced it would work when I paired you two. Thought maybe you’d kill each other before you got anything done.”

Bucky scoffed quietly, gaze flicking away.

“But you proved me wrong.” His good eye narrowed as he continued. “The mission was a success. You handled yourselves well.”

A beat of silence. Then, just as flatly, “I want to know if you’d be open to working together again. Similar style of operation.”

Your eyes slid over to Bucky, gauging his reaction. You didn’t want to appear too eager or give any more credence to the stories Yelena and Natasha were spinning, but most of all, you didn’t want to put words into Bucky’s mouth. You weren’t in the business of pressuring him in or out of the bedroom. 

Bucky was quiet as if silently working through some thoughts before deciding. Finally, he offered a dismissive “Sure.”

You nodded slowly, offering Fury a nonchalant shrug. “I’m fine with that.”

Fury’s lips twitched. Not quite a smirk.

“Well, that’s the most enthusiasm I’ve heard all day,” he deadpanned before shaking his head. “Damn, you two are depressing. Sitting there all broody, staring at me like I shot your goddamn dog.” 

Neither you nor Bucky reacted, which was met by a low chuckle from Fury. “Regardless, I appreciate the hard work. You made me a nice chunk of money winning some bets.”

Your brow furrowed. “You bet on us?”

Fury raised an eyebrow, unbothered. “Course I did. Had to make it interesting. Half the team thought you’d get caught or kill each other before the first day was up.”

You blinked. “...Who bet against us?”

“Stark.” Fury’s lips twitched again. “He didn’t think you’d make it past security.”

Of course he did. Prick. 

—

"Alright, I’m in position."

You blinked. Bucky sat there like he was awaiting orders, his posture rigid as if he were about to breach enemy lines.  His hands hovered awkwardly at his sides, fingers twitching like he wasn’t sure where to put them like touching you required the same level of strategic planning as a high-stakes extraction mission.

You stared, straddling his hips, your fingers ghosting over his collarbone, feeling the tension thrumming beneath his skin. He didn’t quite meet your eyes, his gaze fixed somewhere just past your shoulder as if making direct contact might detonate something neither of you were ready for. For a split second, you half expected him to press a finger to an earpiece and murmur something about securing the perimeter.

In the dim glow of his bedroom, he looked every bit like a man being held hostage rather than one about to receive a very generous favour.

Lately… something felt off. The signs had been subtle at first, the way he always seemed a beat too calculated, his hands found the same places every time, and he would grow still like he was waiting for a command. 

And now, looking at him, so wound-up he might actually vibrate, it finally clicked.

Every touch and kiss was executed with the precision of a soldier running a drill rather than a man lost in the moment. It was methodical. He was analysing a strategy rather than experiencing pleasure. You half expected to glance down and see him taking notes—touch here, kiss there, don’t forget to do this. The thought horrified you, but if you were honest… it also amused you. 

You pinched the bridge of your nose.

“…Bucky, are you seriously treating this like a mission?”

He stiffened beneath you, his reaction just a fraction too quick, too defensive.

“What’d you mean?” His voice was steady, but there was an edge. He was already on guard, bracing for imaginary discipline. 

“The way you’re…” You trailed off, head inclining as you studied him. His jaw was clenched, brows drawn tight, the creased skin between them betraying him entirely. One could mistake him for a soldier behind enemy lines, waiting for the crack of a rifle. There were dark smudges under his eyes, no worse than usual. You knew he didn’t sleep well. Nightmares haunted him and left him running on fumes more often than not. You recognised the signs, and it was like you were looking into a mirror. 

“It’s like you have a mental checklist,” you murmured, watching for his reaction. “Like every move you make is planned like you’re running through a strategy in your head instead of just… feeling it.”

Bucky remained silent, his lips pressing into a firm line.

Gently, you squeezed his shoulder, fingertips pressing into hard muscle. He was tense—too tense. “You’re not clearing a building, Bucky. You’re not scanning for threats. You’re here with me. Just relax a little, won’t you?”

“I am relaxed.” He bit the words out, though neither his voice nor expression were even remotely convincing.

You let out a short laugh, shaking your head. “I appreciate the attempt to lie, but when I can feel the fucking tension in your body, it’s a little, well, very obvious.” Your hands traced along his shoulders, fingers kneading into the tight knots beneath the fabric of his shirt. His muscles were rock-solid, never fully uncoiled. His body had forgotten how to rest.

“See?” You gave a pointed squeeze. “This is not ‘relaxed,’ Bucky. This is as solid as a goddamn steel beam.”

Bucky scoffed a tiny huff of air through his nose. “Those are my muscles. I work out. Don’t you?”

You gasped in mock delight, lips parting in exaggerated shock. “Oh my God. Did you just make a joke? Bucky, was that a joke?”

Something flickered in his expression for the first time, a sliver of amusement breaking through the ever-present brooding. He finally met your gaze, eyes crinkling just slightly at the corners, and the sight sent a flicker of warmth through your chest.

You grinned. “Well, isn’t that a first? Guess I should mark the calendar.”

His smirk was brief, fleeting—but it was there.

You softened, your voice dropping just a little. “But seriously, you need to loosen up.” Your hands smoothed over his shoulders, slow and deliberate.“Attraction, desire… sex. It’s messy, it’s unplanned. It’s not a mission. This isn’t the army.” 

You didn’t dare say the following words in your mind aloud. 

This isn’t H.Y.D.R.A. 

But you knew that was where his thoughts drifted, that unspoken trouble that plagued you both. Your fingers ghosted along the silver chain at his throat, the faint jingle of his dog tags barely audible under the fabric of his shirt. “You don’t have to follow orders. You can just be.”

“I know.” The words came low, rough, frayed at the edges. You could feel yourself losing him, his eyes growing foggy as if pulled away to a place you couldn’t quite reach to drag him out from.

“I just…” Another breath, deeper this time, as though steadying himself. “They used me. For so long, they used me as a weapon. I don’t know if I can ever be anything different than that. I don’t want to lose control—what happens if I lose—”

“Hey.” Your hands framed his face now, thumbs brushing against the sharp angles of his cheekbones, anchoring him. “Hey, look at me.”

His eyes lifted, hesitant, guarded.

“You are more than that.” The words were gentle but unwavering, as steady as your hands on him. “We are more than that, okay? You’re Bucky. Just Bucky. And you are in control. Say it.”

His fingers curled against your thighs, knuckles pressing into the cotton fabric of your shorts. He was quiet momentarily as though testing the words in his mind before speaking them aloud. Then, slowly, he nodded.

“I’m in control.”

“You’re in control.” You echoed, smoothing your thumb over the faint stubble on his cheek. “And you still want to do this?”

His breath was slow, deliberate. “Yes.”

Your fingers had drifted higher, threading into his hair, the strands silky and cool beneath your touch. You swept a loose lock from his forehead, letting your fingertips linger against his temple. “And if you don’t want this at any point, what do you say?”

“Stop.”

“And what will happen if you say that?”

“You’ll stop. We’ll stop.”

“Good.” You praised him, your smile widening as you felt him squirm beneath you. There was a subtle hitch in his breath as your hands began to trail lower, palms smoothing down to his chest. The pulse at his throat fluttered beneath your fingertips, quick and uneven, betraying the calm he was trying to hold onto. You leant closer, your breath warm against his skin as you pressed a slow, lingering kiss to his temple. Then lower—to the sharp line of his cheekbone, the edge of his jaw, and finally to the hollow of his throat. A shudder ran through him, his grip on your hips tightening just a fraction. “Is this okay?”

“Yes.” He uttered after a thick, audible swallow.

You pulled back just enough to study him, to see how his lips parted slightly as though chasing the warmth of your touch. A quiet, almost reluctant noise rumbled in his chest, just shy of a whine. You traced your fingers along his jaw before tilting your head, considering him. “I want to try something.” You hummed to him. “You can say no if it’s too much, but I think it might help you.”

His brows furrowed. “Yeah?”

“I want to blindfold you—”

“You want to what?” He went rigid beneath you, every muscle tightening again as if you’d flipped a switch and snapped him back into defence mode.

“Hold on, just let me finish.” You held up your hand, hoping to counteract his immediate, instinctive reaction.

He huffed, rolling his shoulders as though shaking off the response, but said nothing. 

“I want to blindfold you,” you repeated, slower this time, words deliberate. “And I want to kiss you. And touch you. I want you to focus on feeling good rather than anticipating something bad. I want you to just… be here with me. Not thinking about what comes next, not waiting for an attack. Just focusing on feeling. That’s all.”

His expression was cautious before turning to contemplation—as though weighing the idea against everything instinct told him.

“You can say no,” you reminded him gently.

“No, I—” He hesitated, his fingers twitching against your hips.

You shifted back just a little, offering him the space to decide. “It’s okay. We don’t have to do it.”

“No, I—shit—” He exhaled, shaking his head. “I mean—no, I want to. Yes. I want to try that.”

Your gaze searched his. “You’re sure?”

His lips pressed together, and then he nodded once, firmly. “Yes.”

You grinned, pressing a sloppy, lingering kiss to his temple before slipping off his lap with ease and rolling onto the bed beside him. “Do you have something we could use?”

“Uh, I don’t—”

“Like a tie, maybe? You wear suits, right? Or does Stark demand them back the second you step foot in the compound?”

Bucky let out a huff, eyes narrowing. “I don’t want to talk about Stark right now.”

You shot him a knowing look, but before you could tease him further, your gaze flickered downward—and you smirked. Even through the soft material of his sweatpants, you could see he was already half-hard. “Sure.”

A faint flush crept up his neck, staining his ears and cheeks pink. He cleared his throat, voice rough. “Top drawer. In the wardrobe.”

You were on your feet before he could finish, slipping into his walk-in wardrobe. Every apartment in the compound had one, though Bucky’s was noticeably bare. His clothes were monochrome, muted shades of grey, navy, and black. No bursts of colour. No sign of impulse. It was not a lack of wealth. You knew that for sure. No, this was intentional—a desire to blend in, to disappear.

You’d always known he was the type who preferred the shadows, slipping between crowds unnoticed. No wonder he hated the tailored suits Stark and Fury forced him into—arm issues aside. For some reason, S.H.I.E.L.D. were determined to parade him around. Look, the Winter Soldier. He’s a good boy now. He plays nice. Nothing to fear anymore. You were unsure how he felt about such displays, but you were sure it wasn’t too far off from how you felt about it. You had once been in his shoes, though more in the eye candy territory. A doll to dress up and play with, to smile and play the part.

Powerful men enjoyed degrading that which they knew to be dangerous, enjoyed playing with fire, and enjoyed the illusion of control. 

Shaking off the thought, you pulled open the top drawer, sifting through a few neatly folded ties. You selected a smooth black silk, running the cool fabric over your palm before returning to the bedroom.

Bucky was still seated at the edge of the bed, stiff as a board. His hands curled into fists atop his thighs, knuckles taut. His throat bobbed as he swallowed.

You slowed, holding the tie between your fingers like approaching a spooked animal. Visible to inspect and assess. No threat.

“Yes?” you asked, giving him another chance to change his mind.

His jaw tightened, but he gave a short nod. “Yes.”

You smiled softly. “Just breathe, yeah? Like we always do.” You inhaled deeply through your nose, then exhaled slowly and steadily through your mouth.

After a beat, Bucky mirrored you, chest rising and falling with measured breaths.

You moved behind him, settling onto the bed. He sat still, poised for an attack. Carefully, you draped the silk tie over his eyes, looping it around his head and securing it with a loose knot. It wasn’t tight—one purposeful tug and it would slip free.

You could feel the tension radiating from him. Even blindfolded, he was hyper-aware, attuned to every rustle of the sheets, every shift of your weight. His breathing had turned shallower, the serum sharpening every sound, every sensation.

“If you need to stop for any reason, just say so.”

He jolted slightly at your voice, caught off guard in the quiet. “O-okay.” His voice wavered, and then he cursed low under his breath in Russian.

You grinned. Some habits died hard.

“I’m going to touch you now.” You crept closer, lifting onto your knees behind him. “Just focus on me and how it feels. Nothing else. Can you do that?”

He gave a slow, hesitant nod.

You started at his shoulders, palms skimming over firm muscle, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath your fingertips. Every dip and ridge, every knot of tension. Your hands slid to his collarbone, then across the joint where flesh met metal, mapping out the contrast between warm skin and the smooth, cold vibranium.

He was solid beneath your touch, every muscle taut and solid as it stretched across the bone.

You had noticed the way his shoulders gave him grief. The slight tilt of his frame and the way his left arm always sat heavier. It was incorrect weight distribution; the metal limb was too heavy compared to its flesh counterpart. S.H.I.E.L.D had surely offered him physical therapy—massages, treatment plans—but you doubted he had ever taken them up on it. He didn’t like to be touched by strangers. Too wary. Too untrusting. 

“Can I take off your shirt?” you asked softly.

He stilled.

“I don’t—” His voice was lower now, rougher. “My scars. They’re not—”

“I don’t care about that.”

He swallowed hard. “You don’t?”

“No,” you said firmly. “Why would I?” 

Without a word, his hand reached behind his head, gripping the collar of his shirt. He yanked it over his head in one fluid motion, tossing the fabric to the floor. You adjusted the blindfold where it had shifted, then let your gaze drift over the broad expanse of his back.

His shoulders were massive, sculpted with muscle. The scars on his left shoulder were brutal—jagged lines of gnarled tissue where the vibranium met flesh. It might have been seamless after the amputation. Painless even. But it had been H.Y.D.R.A who had ruined him, left scars so deep even the Wakandans couldn’t erase.

And H.Y.D.R.A didn’t care for comfort. They cared for necessity. Likely, you suspected, they had wanted him to suffer.

An endless reminder of their ownership.

You swallowed, then placed your hands on his shoulders again, thumbs pressing gently into the base of his neck. You started slow, careful, massaging along the muscle, working your way down. His skin was warm beneath your palms, the mass taut and unyielding at first, like stone beneath your fingers. But you took your time, applying gradual pressure, thumbs circling into the knots built over time.

Beneath your hands, Bucky let out a low, guttural sound—a half-growl, half-sigh of approval. His head dipped forward slightly, chin brushing his chest, an unspoken invitation to continue.

You kept going, kneading deep into the knots in his shoulders, feeling the tension resist before you coaxed it loose. With each press and roll of your fingers, the stiffness unravelled like a cord being undone, thread by thread. You worked methodically, digging your thumbs along the curve where his neck met his shoulders, pressing firmly enough to elicit another low, unconscious groan from him.

You bit back a smile as you felt him lean into you just a little.

Trailing downward, you traced the slope of his shoulder blades, following the ridges of tendons and old wounds. The scars on his left side were tougher, the tissue uneven where flesh met metal, but you didn’t hesitate. Your fingers brushed the seam between the vibranium and skin, then continued downward, thumbs pressing slow, firm circles along the fuse.

Bucky shuddered.

His breath hitched as you dug into the deep-seated strain along his spine. A sharp inhale, a low exhale—he was losing himself to the sensation, surrendering to your touch. You didn’t rush. You worked him slowly, thoroughly, feeling him yield with each measured stroke. When you reached the dip of his lower back, you flattened your hands, smoothing over the tightness that lingered. He was warm now, his skin melting like wax beneath your fingers.

Satisfied, you finally pulled back, smoothing your hands along his spine one last time before shifting your position.

Rising onto your knees, you moved around him, hands trailing over his shoulders as you slid into his lap. His breath stuttered, but he didn’t pull away. You settled against him, straddling his lap, your arms draping lazily over his shoulders. The blindfold was still secure, and he looked… calmer now. Less wound up, his jaw no longer locked so tightly.

“You okay?” You murmured.

His throat bobbed as he swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Good,” you hummed, tilting your head, lips just inches from his ear. “I think you needed that.”

Bucky exhaled a breathy, almost disbelieving laugh, but he didn’t deny it.

Your fingers trailed up the nape of his neck, nails scratching lightly against the short hairs, and you felt him shiver beneath you. You leaned in, lips brushing over his cheekbone, just at the edge of the blindfold, before trailing downward. You kissed along his jaw, soft and teasing, pressing your lips into the warm skin beneath his ear, down the column of his throat.

His hands fidgeted at his sides, tightening around the sheets. Then, as if giving in to some internal battle, they rose—hesitant but desperate. His fingers found your waist, sliding over the curve of your hips before gripping tight.

You grinned against his skin.

“There you go,” you murmured, voice a breath of silk against his throat.

A sharp exhale left him, his fingers tightening, pressing you closer, holding you in place. You cupped his jaw, tilting his face up before pressing your lips to his.

Bucky groaned into the kiss.

It was soft at first, your mouth moving against his, teasing, coaxing him deeper. But it wasn’t long before he cracked. The tension he had held onto for so long—his control, his restraint—it frayed at the edges with every pass of your lips against his. You pressed closer, shifting in his lap, and the moment your hips rolled against him, his breath stuttered.

A broken sound escaped him, part groan, part whimper.

You did it again just to hear it.

His hands flexed against your sides, his hold firm, frantic, but he didn’t stop you. He only breathed harder, his forehead falling against yours as you peppered kisses along his lips, his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

Then you moved again, grinding against him slowly, carefully, and Bucky outright whimpered.

He made no effort to stop you—no attempt to control the rhythm, no resistance left in him. His mind was no longer caught in the tangle of right and wrong, of what he should or shouldn’t do.

He only felt.

Only responded.

You kissed him again, deeper, fiercer this time, and he met you with equal hunger.

Bucky’s hands roamed, sliding up your back. Then, his vibranium hand found your face, cradling it between cool, unyielding metal, and you shivered at the contrast—the bite of cold against your flushed skin, the sheer strength in his hold, barely restrained.

He kissed you like he was starving.

You sighed into his mouth, rolling your hips down to meet his, and he groaned—deep and guttural as his body jerked beneath you. He was fully hard now, the evidence pressing against you through his sweatpants, and you couldn't help the soft, breathy giggle that escaped between kisses.

Bucky growled, his grip tightening, his body chasing yours as you rocked against him.

Your hand trailed down, slipping between your bodies, fingers teasing along the waistband of his sweatpants. You could feel the heat of him, the way his breath hitched as your fingertips ghosted lower—

Then he flinched, catching your wrist in a shaky grip.

“Too much,” he muttered, voice barely above a whisper, but the strain was evident.

Immediately, you withdrew, pulling your hand away without hesitation. “I’m sorry. Do you want to stop—”

“No.” he replied quickly, breathlessly.

You cupped his jaw, kissing him slowly, tenderly, as he shuddered beneath you. His hands flexed where they held you, his body still trembling with need, but he didn’t pull away. You kept your movements soft and gentle, pressing your forehead against his, letting him breathe as you kissed him repeatedly. 

“Is this better?” you checked in between kisses, voice warm, reassuring.

“Yes.” He muttered against your lips.

You kissed him deeper, tongue sweeping across his bottom lip and into his mouth.

His body convulsed beneath you, hips twitching up to meet yours, his breath turning shallow and erratic. You could feel the tremors coursing through him, his muscles tensed, his restraint crumbling with every slow, dragging roll of your hips.

Then, with a choked groan, he stiffened.

A broken moan tore from his throat as he came, his body shuddering beneath you. His breath hitched, then stilled, his head falling back onto the bed as he panted heavily, completely spent.

You smiled, watching his chest rise and fall, his body finally wholly relaxed.

You let him catch his breath, your hands smoothing over his chest in slow, soothing strokes. His eyes were still covered, the black silk of the tie snug against his skin, and for a moment, you just watched him—his expression relaxed in a way it so rarely was, his lips parted as he inhaled deep, steadying himself.

Reaching up, you brushed your fingers over his jaw before carefully undoing the knot at the back of his head. The tie slipped away with ease, and his eyes fluttered open, blinking as he adjusted to the room's dim light. His pupils were blown, irises hazy, but there was something else. Softness. An openness you didn’t often see.

“Hey,” you whispered.

His lips twitched in the ghost of a smile. “Hey.”

You leant down, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple before shifting off of him, allowing him to breathe. He hesitated momentarily before sitting up, his movements slow, almost reluctant. His sweatpants were clinging damply to his skin, and he grimaced slightly before rubbing a hand over his face.

“I should, uh—” He cleared his throat. “I’ll be right back.”

You nodded, watching as he climbed off the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. The soft sound of running water followed soon after. You stayed where you were, fingers idly playing with the silk tie as you listened, giving him the space to clean up and gather himself.

When he returned, his sweatpants had been swapped for a fresh pair, the fabric hanging loose around his hips. His hair was damp in uneven patches where he’d raked wet fingers through it, a lazy attempt at tidying up. He lingered in the doorway, weight shifting from one foot to the other, eyes flickering over you like he wasn’t sure what to do next.

You patted the empty space beside you. “Come here.”

His shoulders loosened just a fraction before he climbed back onto the bed, settling beside you with a quiet sigh. He was warm—solid and steady. Without thinking, you nestled closer, resting your head against his chest. His arm came around you automatically, like muscle memory, pulling you in and holding you there.

For a while, neither of you spoke.

Then, barely above a whisper, you asked, “Did you like it?”

Bucky exhaled a deep, slow breath. “Yeah,” he admitted, his voice lower than usual, like he wasn’t used to saying it. “I did.”

You smiled, tracing absentminded circles against his chest. “What did you like about it?”

He was quiet for a long moment, his fingers toying with the hem of your shirt. When he finally spoke, his voice was careful.

“It made it easier,” he murmured. “Not seeing. I could just… feel. Focus on what was happening instead of everything else.” His thumb brushed lightly against your side. “Didn’t have to worry about if I was doing something wrong.”

You frowned slightly, tilting your head up to look at him. “Bucky, you’ve never done anything wrong.”

“I know,” he said, but his voice was tight, a shadow crossing his expression. “It’s just—” He stopped, mouth pressing into a thin line.

You reached up, smoothing a hand over his cheek. “Talk to me.”

His throat bobbed as he swallowed. Then, so quietly you almost missed it, he said, “I’m scared of it sometimes.”

Your brows furrowed. “Scared of what?”

“Pleasure.”

His fingers tightened slightly against your side like he was bracing himself, but he didn’t look away from you.

“I was taught…” He inhaled sharply. “That it could only be taken. Taken from me. That it was never given freely.” His voice dropped lower, almost a whisper. “That it wasn’t mine to have.”

Slowly, carefully, you sat up, shifting so you were fully facing him. He looked at you, expression guarded, but there was something vulnerable beneath it, something fragile in the way he held himself.

You reached for his hand, threading your fingers through his. “Those people, the ones who taught you that, they were trying to hurt you, degrade you,” you told him firmly. “Pleasure is to be shared equally. It’s something you deserve.” You squeezed his hand, your voice softening.

His lips parted like he wanted to say something, but no words came.

“I want you to know that you don’t have to do anything to earn it,” you whispered.

He swallowed hard, his grip on your hand tightening. His voice was barely above a breath when he said, “I don’t know if I know how.”

You smiled softly. “That’s okay. We have time.”

You lifted his hand again, pressing a lingering kiss to his knuckles before settling back down beside him. His warmth seeped into you, but the ache in your chest remained—persistent, lingering. It had nothing to do with exhaustion, the tension in your muscles, or even the way your body still hummed with remnants of touch. No, this ache came from somewhere deeper, from the thoughts unravelling in your mind like a loose thread tugged too far, too fast as you contemplated his confession. 

You had always been a giver. That was your role, your purpose. You gave and gave until there was nothing left. Until you were hollow inside. And yet, the world kept asking for more. You wondered if, over time, it had chipped away at your soul, piece by piece, until there was nothing left.

The words left your lips before you could stop them, before you had the chance to weigh whether you truly wanted to say them aloud.

“Do you ever feel like you’re not… whole?”

Bucky turned his head slightly, his brows furrowing in the low light, lids heavy as he blinked his dark lashes. He didn’t press or demand, didn’t look at you as if he needed clarification. He just waited, silently, like he knew you weren’t finished.

So you kept going.

“Like with every mission, every fight, every demand, you lose something? A tiny piece of yourself, given away without even realising it?” Your voice dropped lower. Bucky was still beside you, completely still, only his breath tickling your cheek with each slow rise and fall of his chest.

“I don’t even know if I’m still the person I was when I was born or if I’ve just been rebuilt from borrowed parts. Pieces given to me, made for me, shaped to fit what I was supposed to become.” You exhaled a sharp breath. “Or maybe… what they wanted me to become.”

The words were bitter on your tongue, and yet they kept coming.

“And I think… maybe I’m afraid that if I ever showed the real me, the world would reject me. That they’d be disgusted by my soul. By everything I have done.”

A shaky breath left your lips, your voice barely more than a whisper now.

“Because sometimes… sometimes I think the only way people will keep me around is if I give them something in return.”

Silence.

You turned your head toward him, searching his face, waiting for something—anything—that would tell you what he was thinking. You hoped for a look, a breath, a word to ground you. But as your gaze swept over him, you realised his breathing had evened out, his lashes fluttering softly against his cheeks. The sharp furrow of his brow had smoothed, his lips slightly parted in a way that spoke of exhaustion finally pulling him under.

Asleep.

Your words had been lost to him.

You weren’t sure if that was a relief or a disappointment.

Maybe it was for the best. He needed the rest, the peace of slumber more than you did. Even now, in the soft glow of the room, dark circles remained etched beneath his eyes.

You let out a slow breath, staring at the ceiling momentarily before carefully slipping out of bed. You moved with quiet precision, gathering your things without making a sound. When you reached the door, you hesitated, glancing back.

For a second, a small, selfish part of you wished he had—wished he had heard you, had held you, had given you something, anything, to quiet the storm inside your chest. But he hadn’t.

And maybe that meant you could take the words back.

Tuck them away for another time.

Or hold onto them forever, maybe all you had needed was to say them aloud, even if only silence itself was listening.

Bucky didn’t stir from his slumber, not even when the door clicked shut behind you.

PART THREE

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taglist: @civilbucky @buckysbbydoll @rosegarbage @fleurenoir @oikarma @blackstabbath6 @kcbug1128 @ellesbellswrites @thaynarajejheje @wunder-blunder @oceanaroma @dyscalculiaaa @murdocklvrr @pursuedbyamemoryy @fantasyheroine @chronicallybubbly @nikkinss @maryevm @doilooklikeagiveafrack (sorry if it didn't tag anyone properly)

[tizeline]

Oh boy, at this point I feel that the truth is gonna chew Mikey hard after discovering they are actually the bad guys. Side note: I know Raph and Mikey are gonna struggle at first to accept the truth and even more to accept that Splinter and April aren't evil… but when and how is gonna Mikey really START to accept this? because I feel theres more chances with Raph than with Mikey

Okay, so this is what I've worked out so far regarding Mikey's redemption arc-

Like in canon, after the season 1 finale and Draxum gets fucked up by The Dark Armor and then also becomes wanted in The Hidden City, he (plus his kids) ends up finding and settling down in that apartment in April's building (the idea of them accidentally becoming April's neighbours is hilarious so I'm keeping that lmao). Then Leo enters his Rebellious Teen Arc and runs off to hang out with Donnie and April most of the time, eventually he's joined by Raph too so then it's mostly just Mikey and Draxum brooding in their apartment all day. It's during this time that Draxum spends some time self-reflecting and eventually decides to abandon their plans of world domination, much to Mikey's dismay who is still very much in the mood to end humanity.

It's hard pinpointing an exact starting point of Mikey realizing that he's been in the wrong, deep down I think he already know this, but he'll be damned if he actually aknowledges it. But it's around this part of the story that things start turning around for Mikey. Because when Draxum announces that it's over and they're done with trying to take over the world, Mikey gets pretty pissed about it and decides that he's ALSO gonna go all Rebellious Teenager on them all! See how they like THAT! BTW Mikey's "Rebellious" Teen Arc mostly includes him spending more time sulking outside than in the apartment as he previously did, and acting a bit more cranky towards Draxum, but he still returns home at a reasonable time in the evening and in general doesn't do anything he isn't allowed to do. He's not very good at being a bad kid haha. (If anything, Draxum thinks it's good that Mikey spends some time outside)

I've mentioned before that I like the idea of introducing Mondo Gecko and Woody Dirkins into the story and that they could help him in his character development and expand his world view (also godammit Mikey needs some friends aside from his brothers) So anyway, it's when Mikey starts spending time outside on his own that he meets and, after some time, befriends both of them. I don't have the details figured out here, but I'm thinking that he first gets to know Mondo considering he's a yōkai/mutant (haven't decided which). Mondo would already be friends with Woody which is how Mikey later meets him, when Mondo introduces them to each other. Mikey is obviously Skeptical at first, but Woody gives him free pizza so Mikey is all like "okay, maybe he sucks slightly less than other humans". All of this is to say, Woody is probably what leads to Mikey actually confronting the fact that he MIGHT be wrong about some things.

It's still very much a gradual change. It's around the end of season 2 that the Draxum family all reconcile with each other, and while Mikey is still not very fond of the Hamatos (especially Donnie lol) or humans, he doesn't wish for their demise anymore. Then it's some time after the events of the movie that Mikey fully commits himself to not judge people merely on them being humans or yōkai.

[pinkpigtailsprincess]

𝜗𝜚 ݁ ˖ Dollies 63 Days of Summer Glow up!! Day 1 > Prep 🎀☀️🐬

Hii Dolls!! 🎀 Welcome 2 my newest series of my 2 month long summer glow up process its pretty self explanatory but im gonna be documenting my 2 month long summer glow up process 2 just be a better me!! enjoy!! ☀️

DISCLAIMER!! ; i will censoring and dancing around certain topics just bc ik they can be triggering to some folk that have issues so cw; vauge mentions of w3!ght!! 💗

Stage 1 : Health! ☀️

It always important to keep up with ur health obvii 2 maintain good balance in life! ☀️

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Diet!! 🍏

Now diet wise i already do have a pretty balanced and healthy diet to begin with so i won’t have to that much work on my diet but i definitely wanna make small improvements!!🎀

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Diet Goals!! 🍋

incorporate different from my usual ones fruits!!

expand my palate (chronic picky eater)

making more meals that are still healthy & tasty but not repetitive!!

not skipping my meals!!

cutting out all meats except fish!!

push myself to like cucumbers

get back into drinking more fruit water!!

stop eating so much cheese!

knowing my limit when eating!

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Exercise !! 🧘‍♀️

Doing more exercise is definitely a huge one for me because there was a point where i did it daily but then i stopped bc i feel into a rut but then i started again but only once a month so im trying to get back into daily exercise!!

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Fitness Goals!! 🧘‍♀️

workout more than once a month!

do more yoga + cardio + home pilates

use exercise to make me healthier & happier

lose w*ight i won’t disclose how much i want to loose and how much i wanna be bc that’s personal 2 me !!

feeling comfortable in my body + build discipline

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Oral Health !! 🪥

I Will say i did recently update my oral hygiene routine bc i got braces so now i have to do more work but i definitely wanna still add things to it!!

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Oral Health Goals !! 🦷

consistently floss in the morning as well as night

buy a tongue scraper

get an electric toothbrush

start oil pulling

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Mental Health !! ☀️

I Sooo wanna improve some thing in my mental health bc obviously its super important to not only take care of my physical health but my mental health!! 🎀

𐙚 𓈒 ݁ ₊ Mental Health Goals !! 🧁

get back into journaling

get back into meditation

step out of my comfort zone

build more confidence in social settings!

replace most phone time with reading time

spend more time outside

prioritizing rest more

not being to hard on myself

celebrating all my wins and accomplishments no matter how big or small!

Stage2 ೀ⋆ : Hygiene!

I Already have a pretty solid skincare routine to begin with but honestly i just wanna improve to it and add more to it ! 🎀

Skincare ୭₊�� ! 🎀

For my Skincare routine i already have my products and my basics but honestly i wanna stater using different products to better help my skin!!

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Skincare Goals ! ⭐️

ice rolling

gua-sha

jade rolling

bi weekly dermaplaing

weekly face mask

facial steaming

facial cleansing brush

use more Korean & Japanese products (Japanese products are literally the best)

Body-care ୭₊˚ ⭐️

Another section where i wanna make improvement i already exfoliate,hair removal sometimes and i use my antibacterial soap and my body washes but theres a bunch of things i wanna incorporate!! 💗

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Bodycare Goals ! 🐬

start dry brushing

exfoliate weekly

shave or epilating more often (my own choice bc honestly i don’t like the feeling of body hair

use my glycolic acid more routinely

buy more sweet smelling body products

find a signature scent

use body oil + body butter + body glitter

using an African exfoliating net instead of a rag

Haircare ୭₊˚ ! 💗

For my Hair care i definitely wanna make room for improvement i mainly detangle every day with just some water or style depending on if i need/want to or not and i oil my scalp!!

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Haircare Goals ! 🐬

Grow it out more with the Help of Indian Amla Oil (some said it stinks but if it helps)

Learn More Hair Styles

Use Rice Water

castor oil

Scalp Massage More Often

Hair Masque Bi-Weekly

Trim Split Ends

Deep Conditioning On a Wash Day

Nailcare ! ୭₊˚ ⭐️

use more cuticle oil

professional manipedis bi weekly!

soak my feet with foot salts more

develop my own at home nail care routine

Facials!!🎀

buy new daily vitamins!!

keep my hair professionally done!!

use my primuce stone more

buy more lipgloss + vaseline lip care

Stage 3 ೀ⋆ Makeup + Jewelry + Fashion + Perfumes 🛍️ !!

I wanna learn how to do my makeup again so badly! and this time i have more tips so i can actually learn how to do it properly!! 🫧

Makeup Goals ୭₊˚ !

find the perfect soft glam dolly makeup

perfect my eyebrows

learn to glue down lashes

make the perfect base

learn to bronze and contour correctly

perfect the highlighter placement

get the perfect sun kissed summer doll makeup

again buy more lipgloss

Jewelry Goals ୭₊˚ ! ⭐️

i desperately have been needing new jewelry and for the longest and ive stupidly been wearing silver knowing i like gold better

buy bangels

get gold hoops

get a new nameplate

get more necklaces

get more rings

get anklets !!

Fashion Goals ୭₊˚ ! 🛍️

actually dress in clothes i genuinely like

dress for my body type

not toning down my dressing for random people

build confidence in my outfits

start sewing some of my outfits bc i can

make crochet pieces for the beach

buy tons of cute clothes!!

make more inspo boards !!

Stage 4 ; Posture,Eloquence + Mannerism + Photogenic 🎀🍰

Definitely a Big one for me i wanna fix my posture and definitely speak up more in public bc im a little shy 🙈🎀!

Posture Goals ୭₊˚ ! 🫧

fix my back posture

learn to again regulate my nervous sustem and relax my shoulders

be more fluid in my movements!!

walking with my head up

Eloquence Goals ୭₊˚ ! 🛁

speaking louder in public so people can actually hear me

speaking clearly with confidence

controlling my facial expressions more

smiling more!! 😁

Mannerism Goals + Body Language ୭₊˚ ! 🛍️

I tend to tone down my natrual mannerisms ALOT when im out in public and honestly im tried of not being my true self in public and i let the opinions of those around me influence me into toning it down

be more animated as i am at home in public

walk the way i want to!!

practice princess mannerisms with my own little spin🤭

walk around like a princess bc im literally a princess

Extra Goals ୭₊˚ ! 🛍️

be more photogenic

learn how to pose

be more videogenic

walk around like i won the place (4 the confidence esque of it

Stage 5: Mindset!!🎀⭐️

The Final Stage!!🎀: where ill be implementing so mindsets of some my favs and learn how to express myself in my environment bc honestly it sucks not being able to be myself around my family ⭐️

Mindset Goals ୭₊˚ ! 🐬

knowing my worth

not letting outside opinions dictate my life

unapologetically being myself around my family

reminding my self that people opinions don’t matter

always have a one track mind with all my goals!!

again not being too hard on myself!

Thank you all so much 4 reading i can’t wait till start documenting my journey with you guys!!🎀⭐️ XO,Dolly!!

[ganondoodle]

yeah no of course i cant stop trying still ...

currently trying to get out of the mindset -draw what could be popular- by designing some rough ideas for the weapons shops in the new totk rewrite (fuse isnt a thing here)

to explain; during the first part (before villain rauru reveal and change to shiekah arm) the way to repair or craft weapons is with a new type of NPCs; they are smiths that can repair your weapons, craft them, and have some avaible to buy (mostly for arrows but also small selection of weapons), it costs material and some money, or if you dont have the material/all material, it costs more money but is still doable, price depending on how valuable or hard to get the material is you dont want to spend on it

then after the switch to the sheikah arm and zelda taking on the role of your permanent companion, she can both repair and craft as well (might be limited but expandable with quests, as in that zelda learns more skills- so theres new quests after the switch and you cant just do everything before that) with the difference that you need to have the required materials but it costs no money

this would mean that while no giant change before and after the halfway point of the game, it is definitely different feeling, plus its a convenience that is good to have in the second half but shouldnt be sorely missed in the first, the difference between NPC smith and zelda gives you the option to spend material or money- so you arent forced to grind anything if you need either for something else, plus new quest rewards for the second half and new points of interest in general, similar to a stable but not too close so theres still an element of exploration; they arent super frequent but around the map of the surface enough that you can reasonably reach one in each region (perhaps after aquiring the yiga as allies/or before that in disguise they can do the same for you but are only found in the underground)

it would also allow for more diverse gameplay, if your favorite weapon is about to break (it might not fully disappear but if you use it up it would go into a condition like the master sword when its lost its power, not usable or doing tiny amount of damage, but not gone forever if you accidentally use it too much-) you can decide to throw it away or keep it until you find the next smith, depending on if you already found one and see you are close or havent yet, or spend the material if you have it to instantly repair it

(i havent decided yet if rauru might be willing to repair your weapons, but not to craft them since he lacks the skill (would never admit to it) and he only wants to give you just enough support to enable you to do what he wants you to do- i think that might work better bc its still a difference to zelda, since she can craft too, but not too much so that you would feel like the games forcing you to use the smiths in the first half ... possibly its unlocked with one of the enigma stones, when rauru can claim he is able to do that now bc it lets him recover some of his strength)

what im wondering now, which is a bit important i think, is .. should the smiths be wandering around a set path or have a lil stationary shop? if they wander around it would make it a bit more depending on situation of you wanna use them, but bears the risk of making it annoying if you dont know here they are or happen to be too far away and a lil weird bc should have something to work on there, like an anvil, which would be a lil strange to carry around; a lil shop could potentially turn into a location you keep teleporting back and forth though im leaning towards the shop; you could make helping them build it a quest too, or saving them from monsters? overall i think this idea is a rather nice balance

[sirsealery]

mentioned this a bit at the bottom of some comment thread in one of my hunger games fics and figured i might expand on it a bit here? to see what other people have to say, i think. sotr spoilers !!

fyi im wearing a homemade lorax costume right now as im typing this. happy world book day!

so, anyways, i wanna talk about the careers. i wouldnt call myself a career fan or lover, and frankly i dont have much love for any of the careers in the series, especially in the first book and sotr. the only exceptions are finnick and annie (and i suppose mags? is she a career?) because theyre written as actual people. which leads me to my first point, which is that so often, theyre just so cartoonishly evil. they remind me so much of those disney channel bullies but take it up a notch. they kill people instead of shoving them into lockers or flushing their face in the toilet. but like with the same energy and the annoying jock voice you know what i mean?? lmao

and i mean i get it. in the first book theyre like the main antagonists and we're not spending more than a couple of pages with them, so they dont need to be all that fleshed out. which is totally fine, i dont care, but in some of the other books? in sunrise, where silka is actively trying to be humanized? to me, it fell very, very flat. i felt absolutely nothing reading about her eat chocolate and cry at the foot of the tree. and panache being a cato 2.0 kind of annoyed me. i get it! dumb brutes exist, but how are there so many of them? i dont think ive ever met a single person like this. ever. i dont know though, maybe my experience isnt universal. maybe in other parts of the world there are plenty of laughably stupid hunks. basically all of the careers are complete idiots, just running around and stabbing babies.

okay now what i really wanted to talk about after ranting a bit. sorry gang. i wanna talk about how sad the career existence is. i mean, theyre needlessly brutal and mean. but they were also raised this way? id love for someone more articulate than me to talk about this too. i had a thought a while ago kinda comparing the careers to like .. the people who peaked in high school? id love to have an exploration of the career experience, either an essay or fanfiction (lmk if theres any youve found !!) cuz like .. of course youre bringing honor and glory not only to yourself but also your whole district, patriotism and all that. but i wonder if its still the same once you start killing kids? i mean its basically a given that theyre pretty desensitized to violence, gore and death at the point where they volunteer for the games, but i dont think its quite the same when youre actually like .. doing it??

and when you go home, youre celebrated and praised, but only like until someone new wins, which is next year. and theres gonna be the trauma of the games and potentially life altering injuries and while in the other districts theres some kind of sympathy for victors, but since in the career districts they idolize it, theres not really any/as much i think?? i imagine itd be really weird to work your whole life, achieve your goals, and then come to the realization that you basically have no purpose now but to watch kids under your care die and hope that at least one of them will survive. i wonder if thats why some of the careers in catching fire were so eager to rejoin the games? since its all theyre known for and theyve had nothing for the last like 10-20 years and they want a shot to do what theyre best at again? relive their glory days or whatever? im honestly not sure, but i think its worth thinking about. thanks gang 🙏

[onejellyfishplease]

BEHOLD! my new TMNT iteration!

tmnt: Strained Eyes

In this iteration, much like rottmnt, all of the turtles have super powers. however, there is a little catch. while the rottmnt turtle's powers suit their soul, Strained Eye's turtles... don't.

(please ignore the fact that Mikey doesnt really look like a spotted pond turtle, i came up with the design first and had to find a turtle species second)

So! Mikeys powers basically allow him to cause every thing he touches to rot/decompose/desintergrate. he does have some control, but not reliably.

And though he is a good cook, there is a 50/50 chance that you will end up eating mouldy/rotten food. but all the other times it will be delicious.

he (obviously) has insecurities about touch, he is very aware that he could very easily kill someone with just one touch.

he can also grow mushrooms on command -he can also grow them on his shell which freaks out his brothers a lot.

also hes not actually blind in one eye! its mostly just cosmetic.

Up next we have Donnie! compared to Mieky hes a very brightly coloured boy!

his power is illusions! they can be incredibly lifelike. the problem is, These illusions can be permanent if Donnie doesnt dispel them, and sometimes are summoned only by his subconscious. So Donnie can struggle with figuring out if something is real or not.

The only senses his illusions cannot mimic are touch and smell (and taste) so he is usually extremely tactile, holding onto his brothers to assure himself that theyre real and not just a projection of his mind. he covers a lot of stuff in his lab (and his brothers) with strong smelling perfumes as well.

application wise- he uses his powers in tandem with his machines to make incredibly realistic looking androids. example: robot cat that looks like real cat. robot dragon that looks like REAL dragon, etc etc. he can also use them to appear human and turn invisible. (he can expand this to all his brothers) but he still hasnt gotten down the art of human expressions, so when ever he appears human he looks quite uncanny when he talks.

It's Leo!!

now Leo is ~battery powered~ his powers basically allow him to absorb energy straight from the source, such as absorbing the electricity off of an electric wire, or even sucking the energy from a person. or eating batteries.

an unfortunate side affect (depending on how you look at it) is that Leo doesnt need to sleep. ever. as long as he keeps absorbing energy then he's completely fine! and the more electricity/energy he absorbs the faster/stronger he gets! he also thinks faster! coming up with excellent strategies on the fly!

however- the same is true of the other way around, when Leo runs out of energy (which he does often- hes VERY bad at judging how much he has left) he will start to get more lethargic, his cognitive funtions will slow down and his short term memory will start to degrade.

If he completly runs out of energy his heart stops and he dies.

but dont worry! you just need to zap him with more energy and hell get right back up again (Donnie has a defibrillator just for Leo). though its best not to leave him in that state for long. because like that he is still functionally a dead body.

And finally we have Raph!

Raph breaths fire. a very simple power, in fact he can even hold his breath for hours apon end and his skin is extremely tough! theres basically no side effects too!

Hes so lucky compared to his brothers, having a power that suits him perfectly and doesnt mess him up in the head.

because of this, Raph has kinda moulded himself into the hyper aggressive mom friend, making sure they dont all run themselves into the ground because of the drawbacks to their powers.

he still has anger issues too <3

[transgenderer]

so i was reading egan's "border guards" yesterday, and thinking about how egan's immortals, and how they relate to a philosophy of life, and significance. and then i was reading aztecs an interpretation, and thinking about how *small* aztecology is as a field, there just arent that many people whose job is studying mesoamerica. i mean, its gotta be less than 10k in the world. its a small field, individivuals can loom large. big fish, small pond

i think there's some meaningful sense in which modern humans are big fish in a small pond. the behavior of a system qualitatively changes as you scale it up. below a certain scale, theres free lunch everywhere. but past a certain scale, efficient market hypothesis starts working, and you should be surprised to find yourself with free lunch. and like, obviously there are lots of "scale thresholds" we're well above. but there are tons of scale thresholds we're below!

the protagonist of border guards studies math, but he has accepted he will never expand it, because he lives in the far future with like trillions of humans, all the low hanging fruit is snapped up. i think its logically possible for such a world to exist. but joyfully(?) we do not live in that world! we live in a world where it's not even that hard to find interesting math that nobody has noticed before. i mean, proving things is hard. but the world of math is just littered with unanswered questions, that are answerable. and the same is true for every other field really. we don't live in the eternal reccurence, where trillions of humans have existed for millions of years or whatever. there's so much low hanging intellectual fruit! we dont live in the solved world

and so, when one is emo about how we dont live in post-scarcity utopia, and grumbling about those people who think we need struggle and utopia would be bad, well.... i mean, i think those people are still wrong. but i think theres some meaningful sense in which we benefit from the knowledge-poverty of the current era. like, it sucks, i wish i could have all my answerable-with-the-available-evidence questions answered. but the fact that theyre not answered allows us to participate in their answering, for the first time. no one is keeping score anywhere, but yknow...the act of *making knowledge available to others* is meaningfully different from merely proving something which was known, on a material level. and we get to do that material thing, and someone who lived in a much knowledge-richer society than us wouldnt.

now, our knowledge-poverty maybe doesnt benefit us on NET. but it benefits us. things are less than maximally bad

[toffeebrews]

eughhh sleepiness is taking over must write about inky boy. ink sans is by @/comyet

i think upon reanalyzing some asks and the FAQ i have begun to understand how inks err emotions work a little better. a bunch of this is me kinda theorizing sooo yeah. it's not as uhh clear as my other rants are

His emotions aren't really "fake". at least my definition of fake. He still feels.

Instead, their main struggle is to balance and understand his emotions. Like in this ask:

So, he can definitely have quote on quote "normal relationships" with other people

One day you may ask him and he'll be like yeah i care about them alot and the next he doesn't feel very attached at all. As i interpreted "not making sense" as to not understanding why or how he even cares for these people. It seems really dependent on his internal emotional balance. The pretending comes in to play where he may exaggerate or lie about his emotions. Perhaps because he himself wants to have these attachments. Or because he wants to spare others feelings.

more yappage under the cut

According to his FAQ, he realizes his soullessness is an advantage (and theres not any realistic/non morally dubious means to obtain one) and wouldn't change that. However, i don't believe he is completely content with some of the drawbacks. He feels the need to hide his soullessness, as indicated in his design notes. But it "shows through". He feels the need to "pretend to have a soul" -from his backstory comic. This may be because he feels insecure in some way. believing his own emotions are less than others. Or his feelings are invalid or fake because he doesn't have a soul. Or at the very least not as real as others. Because he doesn't feel emotions the way others do, it must be wrong. Because hes chaotic neutral, i don't think these are things others contributed to his line of thought. Rather, something hes internalized himself. not that he would ever tell anyone that.

He may also hide this fact not the freak people out. Man does enjoy a bit of mischief, but it probably be kinda hard to work with other people if you have a large chance they may be scared of/don't trust you. I also think he doesn't actually want to like...petrify people. Which i would imagine many monsters would struggle, if they knew. given what people may assume of him. Or at least that's what he thinks ig shsksh.

Given he fears loneliness i think both of these reasons may contribute. He doesn't want people to abandon him. abandonment issues caused by trauma he can't remember.

But he can definitely feel extremes as well. being "overexcited" so much so he forgets consequences. He vomits up ink when shocked or overly passionate. I didn't expand on this as much because i feel like others have explained better than i ever could.

as his FAQ indicates his emotions can be separate from his morality. so its not necessarily contradictory for him to have these big emotions but still have uhh ig a more neutral way of looking at things. ig

btw this post was inspired from this analysis!! i tried to add my own spin on my commentary

[arolesbianism]

Thinking abt how much I love oni's writing again... In particular, "a seed is planted" continues to be one of if not my favorite logs because despite the troubling details and implications that come with it, it's the one thing in the entirety of the decaying corpse of gravitas that genuinely leaves us with a grain of hope (a seed if you will) and makes oni as a whole a lot more bitter sweet as while earth may not have survived, the dupes did, and after their horrible origins and the shit that many of them went through, in due time they'll finally get to just live, they're free now, and even if Olivia's sleep is end of a tragedy, the world will keep moving forward with or without those who've been lost

[twigs-sprigs]

Hey, I got your lloyd race headcanon thread in my fyp and read through the replies… (wow that one person you responded to was very ….interesting to say the least in their response 😅) I’m not sure how to necessarily ask this question in a non-blunt way, but I noticed you had this point in your discussion that stood out to me, how you stated that “trying to introduce white people into this already fucked up soup, like we have a place in it”.

Does this statement imply that you are white yourself? If so, a white person speaking critically on racial headcanons that don’t necessarily have a definitive weight on behalf of Asian representation is a bit hmmmm… y’know? I’m Asian myself and I believe that this “Asian exclusive” mindset for Ninjago interpretations can be really harmful to other races who may see themselves within certain characters or just have a diverse array of race headcanons in general. And to add, I think the constructive way of going about the shitty writing and appropriation in ninjago is to uplift the diversity of character design and interpretations within fandom and not to focus so much on hyper-criticizing opinions that are generally harmless? That’s the fun part of reclaiming such an easily flexible source, people will always have a different version of Ninjago in their mind.

I just believe that if you’re going to put out a critical opinion on race, you have to expect people to react critically to your opinion as well. I just don’t want that to be a case where as a white person, you may be acting on what you believe is some sort of radical act of justice to the “little” rep people get…when I’ve seen a ton of mixed reps all over this fandom! If you’re Asian, uhhhh disregard this statement AHAHA, none of this is to be mean or anything, I just feel like you need to be transparent about your race and where you stand in the water of the conversation when it gets this deep. PLEASE DONT GET YOURELF CANCELLED FOR GOOD INTENTIONS WORDS ARE EVERYTHING LOVE YOU

okkk ill break this down to talk about your points as you make them so its a bit easier!

i am white! you're right, i should've mentioned that from the beginning, i felt like it was known but in retrospect that's kind of stupid on my part, fully agree i shouldve mentioned it to preface. i will also say english isnt my first language, so my wording mightve unintentionally come off in a way that doesnt reflect my actual mindset, and i take full responsibility on that!

i will say, my post was initially about lloyd and lloyd only, which i do feel i had to point out, given his heritage. my post was about making lloyd purely white, both my post and the reblog i made are basically me saying i didnt like that people are blatantly ignoring lloyd's asian heritage. im not saying my takes are 100% correct and right and perfect, and my wording can be less than stellar sometimes, but i do think it was worth expanding on what i thought, since i didnt want to leave that person's weird response up in the air like that when i disagreed with their point. i don't really believe this is a radical justice take, i just noticed some younger white people headcanon him as white, (mostly on twitter and tiktok) which i didnt really agree with (which is why i made the og post)

like i said, my post was about whitewashing lloyd and him only, i didnt say anything about mixed hcs (wasian lloyd) i didnt say anything about him being any other race, i just said that i don't like him being fully white! and in the end, that's still just an opinion on my part, i never expected everyone to agree, as i'm also fully down for diversity in designs, i think the fandom is really cool in that regard! (when i said "little rep" in my reblog, i meant it as a thing for the show, not the fandom!) i just think theres a line to be drawn between a character thats heavily coded to be of a different race and then whitewashing that character fully yknow?

"I believe that this “Asian exclusive” mindset for Ninjago interpretations can be really harmful to other races who may see themselves within certain characters or just have a diverse array of race headcanons in general"

yep, i agree with this! my original point was absolutely not excluding other races from the discussion, it was only meant to be about lloyd being portrayed as white by people picking and choosing ideas that the show presented. (like wu and misako's names and lloyd's dragon and oni parts that are closely associated with east asian culture)

"And to add, I think the constructive way of going about the shitty writing and appropriation in ninjago is to uplift the diversity of character design and interpretations within fandom and not to focus so much on hyper-criticizing opinions that are generally harmless?"

i also dont believe i ever hyper criticized anybody, i fully expected there to be criticism and discussion when i made my post (i will admit i didnt expect THIS much but again im fully open to discussion still!), i simply stated my opinion in one post and then expanded a bit in one reblog.

again, in the end i dont really care what people headcanon, i simply expanded on my point and said my peace in one reblog, about fully white lloyd, nothing more nothing less. but even then, i wont attack or judge anybody, im fully behind the ignore-and-move-on mentality. and the post was about a generalized minority in the fandom that imo whitewashes lloyd, im very happy to know that the majority is a super open and diverse space full of a plethora of headcanons. i do think the discussion ended up moving away from my original point pretty much!

some people did further expand the discussion in the replies/reblogs to which i didnt think it was my place to reply, since it was far removed from my original point, and people had genuine good points and arguments in the discussion that i myself can't insert myself in, as a white guy! which i was happy to see and didnt feel the need to add much to it anyway

i hope this clears stuff up a bit! if i missed anything or you want to discuss further let me know! either here on tumblr publicly or on discord (my dms are always open, to anybody!) i'm happy to keep talking about this if you feel you have something to add. also sorry if i repeated myself a bit!

[rookamell]

You know, in any other piece of media I would never advise this but specifically in datv case I think the game really could have benefitted from acknowledging the problems with the writing more. I think a lot of people may disagree with me and I don't know if I really know how I want to say this but if you just... acknowledge things that are in the game with a little bit of nuance? Like the Veil dilemma. I wish the veil had come down because the whole southern blight thing really makes the veil not coming down obsolete. We were trying not to kill thousands of people but thousands of people died anyway so whats the difference? You're just shifting the blame from solas onto rook but they dont ever aknowledge that in the game? Let Rook have one line about it being their fault that the gods are out ADDRESS THAT IN THE FUCKING REGRET PRISON. Let the game say "ok maybe tearing down the veil isnt what we want to happen but there are real and serious reasons that solas may want to persue this course of action" instead of being like "haha solas is so dumb and stupid and evil and of course we are in the right" because if you think about it? Not bringing down the veil means the spirits are still getting the short end of the stick. This was set out in inquisition? Just admit that you said that and dont try and change it? Or the blight. If you don't know what happens to the blight post game, just say so? Have a line where someone says "we dont know whats going to happen with the blight now that the evanuris are gone" and then you can leave it to fan interpretation or future games but at least theres something there telling me you thought about it and havent FORGOTTEN WHAT THE CALLING MEANS (because my definition of the calling and john eplers definition are two extremely different things and his is wrong). The crows, you need one line of dialogue to fix the crows. And not even pc dialogue, it can be ambient. Give me something. Give me a line. I understand there were budget and time restrictions, but if you just acknowledge that there's things you couldn't expand on as much as you wanted to instead of treating the player like they should know to make it up in their head or treating them like they're stupid for caring, it would already be better.

[danaduchy]

all texts from Judy

How's it going? ¡Hola! How you doin, V? Find those voodoo boys yet? * Sure did Hope you found what you were looking for? It was pretty interesting. Helped em out a little * That I did Helped them expand their turf, had a little run-in with netwatch, took a trip down cyberspace lane and met an AI * Didn't think you cared all that much… Course I do! After what you did for Evelyn… You're not just some rando anymore

* Not yet I can imagine * Been kinda busy As are all. Well good luck with your search * You know, same ol' same ol' Uhh… sure, alright O_O Dont really wanna get into details right now Sure, whatever works for you, but V… Take care of yourself, OK? I don't want you to end up like Ev * What about Evelyn? Any improvement? No changes. She's trapped deep in her brain somewhere. Must be goin through hell * It wont come to that Good to know Sorry, gotta run See ya

Ev's send off Hey Buried Ev today Colombarium near North Oak Thought you might wanna know * How do you feel? I intend to get thoroughly shitfaced today * Thanks for letting me know Right, no problem. Take care.

Got an idea Hey, V! Hey. Wanted to thank you again. Ya know, for helping me with Clouds Don't wanna think about what coulda happened if you hadn't been there Anywho, I think I got somethin that might help us Can't go into detes yet, but I'll holler at ya in a couple days Oh, and have a FABULOUS day! ;)

Morning! Mornin, sleepyhead Had to run, didn't wanna wake u Left you some breakfast. Eat up!

Thank you Knock knock Whatup? How's things? * I'm good * You know how it is Why? Somethin the matter? Had a great time in spite of the circumstances. All thanks to you Maybe we could do it again, just without spillin any blood :/ * Anytime Can't wait ;) * But thats what I'm good at… …True. Anyway, still waitin for Maiko to spill the detes on our meet Call you when I know more

Thanks again Heyo, V Everything ok? * Yeah, I'm good * Same as ever * Somethin happen? I'm all right… Thanks again. You know for what ;) You're a good friend. Just want you to know that Maiko still hasn't called. Should be anytime now Let you know when I get somethin fresh

All set Hey V. Maiko just called. We're all set. This afternoon, out in front of H8. Assuming you'll be there? Take care till then. And thanks… Again. It really means a lot to me.

Waiting on you Something urgent come up? Oh well, I'll just wait. Just be here before 8am

Come back Hey come back! I'm not gonna wait forever!!

We're waiting Still don't have time? We're waiting

Later then… Musta been in a real hurry… I'll try to come up with something, like, doable, but also fuckin mindblowing Be in touch. See ya soon

Umm… yeah So… looks like you weren't into it Oh well. Guess that's that then… About to finish packing and then I'm off. Buh-bye!

Bye Won't keep you long Ditching NC soon… I'm done with this sorry-ass excuse for a city Whatever you're up to right now - good luck [You have been deleted from Judy Alvarez's contacts]

Your payment Heeeyo! Sendin you the €$, just as I promised ;) Thank you, thank you, thank you for your help! Laterzzz!

WTF?! Nicely played, V. Very mature Whatever happened to the fearless merc named V? But you didn't have the guts to look me in the eyes Miserable * I was in a rush * I was really craving some fries Save it, V Don't message me again * Can we just talk about this? I'm sorry OK, I'll leave you alone. I'm really fucking sorry * You're really just gonna ghost me now? C'mon Judy, srsly? Fine, no means no I guess…

Our BD Heya, V Starting tuning our virtu - got me thinkin about you again. Got no idea how much Im digging this right now. Splicing two emotive tracks together is super hard - theres a lotta noise I need to filter out for this to come out baby-soft, but the contrast in our reactions… I mean, it'll give you shivers. Don't even have to amplify the emotional tracks. N O V A * Yeah.. sounds super cool No, it's fuckin AWESOME. And the best thing is, it's not pretentious or nothing. Totally relatable * Thats cute Cuteness has nothin to do with it, mi calabacita * Hehe, looks like someone's havin a good time Laugh all you want, calabacita. Its nova anyway * Calaba-wha? Nvm, nothing xD * Seriously? You callin me a pumpkin? Callin me FAT?! Noooooooo silly XD Nicer than callin you a gonk though Alright, I gotta go. Byeeee

Memory Hey calabacita! Still playin around with our virtu - found a still you might like

* Woah not bad Glad you like it * You enhance this? Just a teeny bit, nothin crazy Dunno, I like it. maybe I'll frame it and hang it up on the wall Could do the same for you if you want * Deffo. I'd love one Alrighty, I'll send it over when it's ready * Not really my thing, sorry Hehe, and you still ask why you're a calabacita <3 Okidokes, don't wanna keep ya. Catch ya later ;)

Helloooo Yooohoooo Know wat rymes with judy? BOOTY uh-huh uh-huh your so cuuuutee * Hey… you OK? You sound… weird * Lemme guess - you're wasted Jus out wit some ferns. frieends. * Okaaay, so you are drunk * Definitely drunk Weeeeeell… maybe jus a littl bit? * You could at least send me some stills * Just don't go too crazy, alright? * Pics or it didn't happen Sure <(((*> …fine, knock yourself out :D

I'm so sorry I'm sorry. And a little embarrassed -_- * How are ya? Sounds like you had a fun night Feel like some took a chainsaw to my brain * Maybe I should start putting you on a leash Start keeping my girl in line xD Try it, go ahead and I'll… I dunno. I'm too tired to come up with a comeback * Anything I can do to help? Nah, I'll be fine. I'm just tired. * I miss anything fun? Nah, not really. Just a girls night out. Couple substances, neverending tequila… you get the idea. Roxanne says hi, btw. Or did she? Talk to you later. Gonna go back to bed Before I forget, I got something for you. Sent it to your apartment. Sorry again… -_-' G'night

Got something for ya Heyoooo Got a lil somethin for ya. Should help get you get on your feet - who knows, maybe it'll come in handy down the line It's waitin for you over at mine - near the kitchen counter ;) * Awesome. Thanks Don't mention it :) * What is it? Not big on surprises, are ya? Nothin super special, don't get your hopes up. Couple of energy bars to keep your battery charged ;) Oh and I found a 12 gauge. Got it some time ago from the Mox. Don't really see myself needin it * Sounds great, I'll try it out * No such thing as too much iron Like a fly to ointment… Shoulda figured :P Watch out for yourself, OK? I know you've got shit goin on and that you're playin a high stakes game… But you're too young for me to be visiting your grave. Just sayin Welp, that got a little darker than I intended. Anyway, just be careful

Noticed something… Just opened my wardrobe and my favorite MaxTac uniform's gone! Someone's been naughtyyy! I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson ;) Hope at least you can put it to good use Errrr maybe I shouldn't say that. Especially when I'm not around ;) Nvm. Forget I said anything!

About the car Here's a good one - how do you know when NC's too crowded? When your ride disappears and you have to fuckin walk. ON. FOOT. Hope you enjoyed the ride. Next time just give me a heads up :P

Later V Hey V I'm leaving, V. For good. Can't stand it here any longer Wanted to tell you before, but you were gone. Sorry I guess it's better this way. Leavin everything behind, old hangups included. Once and for all Hope you come out of your thing in one piece Bye, V [You have been deleted from Judy Alvarez's contacts]

Hello from Oregon! Check this out

Hellooo from breezy Oregon!! * So is that the key to the meaning of life? The beach? xP Nah, more like sittin on my ass and doin nothin for once. It's relaxing Sorta. As much peace and quiet as you can get with my grams * Visiting your grams and gramps? Yeah showed up on their doorstep a few days ago. Dunno if they were happy or confused… Pretty nice being with family. Good people, good food, zero bullshit How's life in NC? Hangin in there? * Peachy as ever Still got that relic. But I'm workin on it * Could be better. Could be worse Still breathin. Guess thats somethin… You'll figure it out, V. You always do Gotta go. The elders are summoning me

On the road

Road's full of adventure

Hey from Seattle!

Seattle's calling! * Why Seattle? * What're you doing there? They got a pretty nova virtu studio here. Wanted to check it out from up close Maybe I'll rent out space for a couple days, play around with their tech, do some experimenting. We'll see But I'm not plannin on stayin long * Why not? Didn't leave NC just to end up right where I started. Least not right now Cuz otherwise it'll just be the same shit, different place * Where to after? Gonna head east. Roam around the country a bit Prolly wont have a sig for a while Hang in there, alright? * I'll try I'm sure you'll manage just fine * No promises Shoulda seen that comin. But I'm sure you'll manage just fine If I'm ever back in NC, we can crack some beers on the roof and you'll tell me everything And I probably won't believe any of it xP Anyway… Bye, V.

random ¡Hola calabacita! Thinking about you <3 Wanna guess what? * Wait, are you trying to sext right now? Because in that case, I'd better find a nice quiet spot… Wow what year is it, 2000? Please, you know braindance gets the job done muuuuch better. * Mmm, think you should show me sometime ;) You got it… Course, it's still not as good as realspace. * Ain't nothin' like the real thing baybaaaay Haha, true true * Yeah, think I saw something like that in an old movie once. Super weird :/ Aaaah, yeah, think I know the one. Classic. And yeah, nothin like the real thing ;) Now I forgot what I was gonna write. Ehhh, maybe it'll come back to me. Talk soon :) * Hmm… Wondering if I can do a double backflip with a full twist? The answer is yes. Good to know! But… no. Was just thinking if you were an animal, you'd be a dog. * Cause I'm cute and cuddly? Yeah, obvi… But you're also loyal. Woman's best friend and all that. * Cause I'm your fierce protector? Yeah. And the best friend I've ever had. * OK gimme a sec, there's gotta be a joke about tongues and licking in here somewhere… … you're the woooooorst I lvoe it xD Anywho, enough distractions, back to work for me * That if I were an animal, I'd totally be a dog. Because I'm cute, loyal and love to lick eeeeeverything wow Not sure if I should be blown away that you read my mind, or offended and disappointed at your crass attempt at a "joke" * Be blown away! I dunno, the licking… Please, you love it ;) I… yeah I do xD * You're complex, you contain multitudes, you can feel both at once. Haha true, I can xD

God pls no Shit Shit on a fucking shit cracker OK so… I uh, I was talking to my grams and I accidentally told her about you I'm just warning you, she might try to contact you… I'm sorry -.- Didn't give her your detes obviously, but she's got mad detective skills for her age. Honestly don't know how she does it. I'm so so sorry. * shiiiit Exactly * Haha big oops. You think it'll be that bad though? Just picture the DataKrash, that's the sort of destruction she's capable of. * Don't worry, I got this. OK…. And I got my fingers crossed for ya You do realize you can't shoot your way outta this one, right? * Hilarious Learn from the best ;) * Ugh, you win Like I always do :P So what can I expect? Basically a 5 ft 2 pitbull trained in advanced interrogation techniques But she's really sweet once u get to know her! * So I can't just ignore her, right? I mean you could try, but… Not really possible with her. * Come on, no way it's that bad I mean it, your little ol' abuela can't be that scary. Yeah… positive thinking, that's the way. Let's just say you've been warned. Please please please be nice and let me knwo how it goes, ok?

So my grams * Holy shit, Ainara Alvarez is one tough cookie I know, just got off the holo with her * You weren't joking about your abuela * Still breathing! Just got off the holo with my grams * Hope she didn't datakrash me She loves you <3 * And? I think she's a bit sceptical. …but she's always like that so :P * Do I even wanna know? Nothin' to worry about Don't think you two really hit it off Man if you two ever meet, it's gonna be good O_O Thanks for talking to her, V. I know she can be alot You're the best Just talked to my grams wow is she pissed. Take it you just blocked her? Yeah, I'm sorry. Hm, ok… * I panicked and blocked her omg Now I get why she compared you to Maiko * I can't deal with this drama right now Drama? OK… I'm sorry Listen… I know you got a lot on your plate right now. My abuela's not your top priority I get it. talk later

<3 So V… I need to tell you something. * Shoot. Just gotta get something off my chest * You're an NUSA sleeper agent And you just got burned. Bad. All you can do now is wipe your files, cover your tracks and flee this city of broken promises, never to return. WHAT?! O_O Great story, but no :P * Sounds like the start of every breakup text I've ever gotten What?! NO! Shit, didn't realize how that sounded Anyway, it's just that… Ok so you know I'm not great with feelings and stuff… But I've been thinking about the past few months and I wanna say thanks, V. For being with me, for everything you've done. And just for being you You're great. Just wanted you to know that. But now I gotta go hide somewhere, I'm all flushed -.- <3 * Awwwww my sweet little vulnerable leelou bean Jesus christ stop xD it's not funny!!! * <3 :) * No YOU'RE great. Quit it with the charm bub You're making it worse!

Yo, what up? * All good The queen of curt replies -_- Ok, well you know where to find me and how to make up for blowing me off. I don't like being taken for granted. * Stuff's been going down - I'm on a super-weird gig in Dogtown. Kay, so two things to unpack - "weird" and fucking DOGTOWN?! Start with the first. * I thought that's what you found attractive about me? ;) I signed up for the full package, so can't complain :) Not even about the expiry date…? You're really good at distracting me from work -_-  We're all fucked in the end anyway, right? But I like to think that at any given moment we're both immortal - and those are the moments that count, every single time. Damn, that's deep * I like the idea of immortality in the now. It's like with animals - they don't know they can die until they're faced with real danger. Then they forget. * I don't think I'm in the same headspace rn because I'm working. I'll hit you up when I'm done :) Sure thing. Judy out. *  I'm just getting warmed up Cut the foreplay and spill the detes already You're really good at distracting me from work -_-  Oh, sorry Miss Professional-all-of-a-sudden I'm at work too - it's just sometimes I need to take my mind off it to not go crazy

* Can I text you when I'm done? * Glad to know I'm what's keeping you sane :) Sooooo… Whatcha doin? Nothing much - on a gig like any other Aaaand her highness has returned. I won't press for detes >.< * Probably shouldn't. Don't wanna put you at risk - better safe than sorry. Ok, putting jokes aside for a sec - sounds pretty serious. You sure its safe? Should I worry? Cuz you know, it's Dogtown - not exactly the safest place, is it? * You dont need to - I'm a big girl. Can take care of myself. I know, I know, I'll stop mothering you. If you say everything's fine, then I believe you :) * I'm chasing a promising lead for the biochip - it's worth a bit of risk. Ok, well, I'd assume that you've got a handle on things, so I won't lecture you. I'll just keep my fingers crossed. But if thinkin nice thoughts about you is any help, then just know that I am <3 Keeping me safe by sending positive vibes? A kind of hobby of mine. I take it pretty serious. Maybe something'll come of it. * Guess we'll see - maybe with your help I'll wrap up sooner…? * It works. Scientifically proven. Initiating transfer of "Positive Vibrations" Level: 500% xD Can feel something already - it really does work <3 Told ya! Lemme know when you get a free evening :* * I'll tell you later. Pros don't spill while on the job. Maybe over pizza and beer when its all over? * I'll let you know, but this one's lookin like a marathon. * You got it ;)

Got this thing… Hey, you ever hear of a case where someone disconnects from their wreath but gets stuck believin they're the person they were reliving in the BD? V, can't have this on my plate right now. Go to a ripper. What happened?? * Actually… nvm. It's nothin. False alarm Oooook, if you say so. But you know I'm here if any real alarm bells go off * So, hypothetically, say someone has trouble returning to their normal self after using a BD… that like a problem? Scale of 1 to 10 * Scratchin my head over here. New choom of mine had an accident recently. A localnet power surge overloaded his wreath and toasted the circuits. Guy's been livin his life thinking he's this BD star ever since * New choom of mine had an accident recently. A localnet power surge overloaded his wreath and toasted the circuits. Guy's been livin his life thinking he's this BD star ever since Sure, yeah, not unheard of. Could be a compulsive user, maybe a massive hardware failure… in my line of work we like to call it Dissociative Identity Defective 'Dance Onset. Or DIDDO for short If the condition doesn't sort itself out you need to use what we call the divided attention method. You show em one thing that's uniquely personal and another that represents the personality they've taken on. The resulting cognitive dissonance should snap em out of it (fingers crossed) Good thing you reached out. DIDDO can become permanent if you let it linger too long

You busy? Heeey, calabacita <3 What's goin on? How you been doin? * Hey, not bad. Same old stuff "Not bad" means "good" in my book! Which is great, cause I was thinkin… * Could be better. Been too long since we saw each other :( Oh no! My poor V, gazing out the window, pining after me! We gotta do somethin about that ;) * Yeah, fine. Johnny says hi Oh wow… didn't know Johnny was even aware I exist :P So anyway, why am I writing to you… Maybe I could come over to your place? * Of course!! Know my address in megabuilding H10? I think so… worst case I just ask a neighbor XD * Definitely! Know my apartment in Northside? Course I do. Watson's my home turf, you gonkbrain :P * For sure! Come to my pad in Japantown <3 Will do, just hope no tygers pounce on me XD * Preem idea! I'll be waiting at my apartment in the Glen! Ooh, the Glen? Swankyyy. Can't wait :-* * Yeah! Come on by my Corpo Plaza setup, y'know, downtown Hot damn, ok! Hope I won't be too underdressed XD * I thought you'd never ask :P I'm in Dogtown! Uhh… Dogtown? Seriously? Think I'll pass. Can we meet somewhere else? See you soon!!

Hola, V :D I've missed you. Can I come see you soon? Hey there :) Can I get another invite to your place? Hey hey <3 Y'know, got a little free time… Wanna meet up? Whaddaya say… Me? Your place? ASAP? * You have to ask?? Swing by my megabuilding apartment! Omw! * 1000%! Let's chill in Northside :) Be there in a millisec! * You. Me. Japantown. Now. Oh hell yeah! * Call your cab now and meet me in the Glen! * Umm, obviously. ;) Meet me at my Corpo Plaza place * If you wanna come to Dogtown…? It's not that I don't want to… I'm just terrified for my life is all. Maybe come back to NC to see me? * Sorry, but now's not a great time. Don't be mad, I'll see you soon, k? :) Oh c'mon, I ain't mad! But I'll hold you to that ;) * Mhm, calabacita… bet you know what I'm thinkin :P

I loved seeing you. Seriously. Thanks for finding some time for me. Gimme a holler when you find some more <3 * Thank YOU for being there for me :) Oh c'mon, stop bein so damn perfect all the time ;) * You know I will, prolly sooner than you think ;) Already got a countdown started :P * HOLLER Haha! Got me blushin so hard it feels like my cheeks are on fire Kisses, hugs and snugs! xoxo

Hey Jude :) Interested in hangin out? Ok, I'm all yours! Maybe I can come over? Can't just this sec, calabacita. Sorry :( I'll let you know soon tho when I'm free! You're the best! Whoa, V! Thanks for the preem ride! Where are we headed? And when?? Will we even fit inside?! Hahaha * Haha, who knows where the road will lead us! <3 * So you like it?? Phew… :D xoxo Thanks, V! This bouquet meant to symbolize our love? Y'know, lasts forever, non-biodegradable, that sorta thing? ;) Aaand you might just be the first person to ever compliment my calves… * It's criminal I don't compliment them more :-* Ok… haha, thanks for preem gift, V :) * And that's plain unacceptable! you ain't wrong there :P

Got a sec? * Hey Judy, doin swell, thanks for askin Sorry… just been shit day. Feels like nothing's going right. * No need to be sorry, was just messin with you * Maybe I can help with that, get your day back on track Where do ya wanna meet? * Sure do I'm at Lizzie's Talk to Mateo when you get here. I'll come up and join you. Roger that, see ya soon * Something wrong? No, why would you think that? Can name a few reasons First off, no enthusiastic "Hey calabacita!". Second, not one :) or ;) to be seen Third, it's rarely just one message and done with you. When Judy texts, my screen blows up in blue lolol xoxo ;) Oh V, don't you know just how to put a smile on my face :) * Dunno, just don't sound like yourself

Hey calabacita :P Thanks for a great night. Hell, thanks for everything you do. I really needed that, V. And I know you could see it… Prolly know me better than I know myself Let's do it again sometime, yeah? Sooner rather than later I hope :) * Anytime! * Can't take all the credit. Had preem time myself. Hard not to when you're around :) Just gimme a buzz when you get the time and the urge again Oh I will. But first… gotta shake this hangover… XD

Heeey, I've missed you! Interest you in a drink or a dance? Hopefully both? Hey hey <3 I ever tell you how fine you are? Whaddaya say, wanna make this city our bitch tonight? Psst… been thinkin about me lately? Cuz you're all I got on my mind ;) I'm free tonight… You? Wanna blow off some steam. Think you can help me with that? * You even have to ask?? Where we startin tonight? Meet me at Lizzie's! Just let Matteo know when you show and he'll ping me! * You know I can't say no to you. ;) Same as last time? Hell yeah! C u at Lizzie's!

A short trip came up Hey, got somethin of a short trip comin up. Won't be in town for a bit. A month max Seriously? :( well, shit, miss you already * But think how happy you'll be once I'm back ;) True, guess that helps… a little :P * The time's gonna fly by, then you'll get to see the new me Like, literally What's that supposed to mean? Fill ya in when I'm back in town. For now, gotta go.

Pick up! C'mon pick up Hellooooooooo Pick up, pleeease V? Hello? Please just pick up! Wanna go somewhere? Yo, V, you ok? Been a sec since I got a buzz from you Got some time on my hands and thought maybe you'd wanna meet up? There's this preem lookin exhibit on 20th century tech. Prolly the only chance in our lives to lay eyes on a VCR :P There's that, plus someone kinda misses you… ;) Helloooo? Can you answer please? Even one word? Got me worryin V? Said you'd be gone a month and it's already been, what, four?… What's goin on, V? Why didn't I ask where you were goin… Said you'd come back 21 missed calls from Judy Alvarez

[vamp0rivm]

- EMBERS -

ch.3

content warnings: small amount of nsfw, 18+ (mdni)sub!reader x dom!ellie, strap r!receiving, finger sucking, scissoring. i’ve disintegrated. been dying at the hands of a cold for days. excuse the shitty writing. i actually despise this chapter. btw, this is the last one, BUT, theres gonna be a bonus chapter too. later. fingers crossed it’ll be better than this shit. banners by cafekitsune.

pt. 2

pt. 1

masterlist

The living room is dim, only illuminated by the lambent TV screen. It’s a harsh blue glow, one that makes your eyes hurt, but you don’t want to move.

For the first time in a week since the incident, you manage to bring yourself to leave your room, sit on the couch and watch a show. Or at least try to.

But this distraction isn’t enough. You can’t stop thinking about it, even just for one fucking minute. It has completely consumed you.

That day, when you laid back on the bed, Ellie had smiled down at you and it made those feelings you fought off for so long become, all of a sudden, almost tangible. And it scared you.

You know Ellie fucks around, know it more than you would like to, because you hear it late at night and it makes your bottom lip tremble.

She looked so beautiful, you almost felt guilty when you left her still figure behind, but you fucked up by giving in to your feelings. Ellie Williams isn’t much of a romantic, just doesn’t really fuck with that. Now, you’re just like those exes she barely thinks about anymore. It’s hard to accept.

Each of the seven days between that moment and this one, you’ve been doing everything in your power to avoid her. To call it difficult would be an understatement.

When her chest rose and fell gently, the soft hum of her breathing echoing in your mind, you left the dorm and went to spend the night with a friend. You sent Ellie a curt message. It was colder than it needed to be.

You: my friend called me over to watch a movie.

Dumbass: oh right i was wondering where u were

Dumbass: when r u coming back?

seen

The next few days were excruciating. You returned the next day, opening the door at the exact moment Ellie came out of her room. You closed it behind you, begging your face not to reveal how much you were struggling to seem unfazed.

She looked so good, standing there, rubbing her eyes lazily. She offered you a smile but you could tell it was hesitant. You pretended not to notice and walked to your room awkwardly.

Your stomach twisted when you shut the door, picturing her confused face. Hurting her made you feel like shit, but you knew she didn’t care about you enough to feel hurt.

You could tell she was thrown off by your behavior though, the eyes that met yours seemed insecure when she started making attempts to get you to talk to her.

A day had passed since and, in the evening, she stood in your doorway as you pretended to study, her stance indicating she was slightly unsure of herself as she watched you.

“Hey…”

You turned to look at her for a split-second, immediately regretting it when your eyes met hers and turning back to your desk.

“… Wow, you’re studying again…”

“Mhmm,”

She chuckles to herself; you can practically hear the cogs turning as she comes up with something to say.

“Uhhh… Well… Careful there, I can see your head expanding… by the second.”

Normally, though it's embarrassing to admit, a dumb dad joke like that would've made you giggle, but you were too deep in your thoughts to find anything funny.

Ellie left after standing in discomfort from your lack of a reaction. Just a few days ago, she would've poked and prodded till you were seconds away from slapping her. Not today. Everything was wrong.

But it was hard to keep avoiding her when, somehow, she managed to come out of her room at the exact moment you came out of yours, over and over again. She never ignored your presence either, handing you things she thought you'd need as you cooked in silence. It had to be a hazard to use a stove with your hands shaking like that.

Every now and then, she'd chuckle to herself while watching you and tell you a dumb pun she remembered hearing. You didn't respond; you felt like shit and you hoped the food you'd left for her wordlessly would let her know you weren't mad at her. Because you weren't, you were just mad at yourself.

Wednesday was rough.

You were cooped up in your room, too scared to use the kitchen; you felt pathetic.

And it felt like she was reaching down your throat and squeezing your heart cruelly when there was a soft knock on your bedroom door in the afternoon.

“... Hey... You up?” her muffled voice carried past your closed door and you croaked out a quiet, "Yeah."

“You want something to eat?”

“...No.”

“... I know you haven't eaten all day.”

“I've got snacks in here.”

You heard her sigh as you pressed a shaky hand to your pounding heart.

“That's not... enough, dude.”

“Whatever, I don't feel hungry.”

There was silence for a moment and you winced at how harsh your tone came out but the sound of Ellie's footsteps getting further away gave you relief regardless.

Not too long after, Ellie was thumping her fist against your door and rattling the handle impatiently.

“Hey, asshole! Come play Mario Kart!”

“Not in the mood.”

“What? Don't you try to bullshit me; you're always in the mood for Mario Kart.”

You sighed and rubbed your tired eyes. You hadn't been sleeping well since you did it with Ellie. Late night brought on those thoughts. Those memories.

“No, not today.”

You heard her mutter “...Jeez,” as she walked away. This time, you knew she'd be back soon.

“No, I'm busy, Ellie.”

And then, again.

“You asleep? You better not be, like, metamorphosing into a cockroach in there, okay?”

With a sigh, “Yes, I'm asleep, Ellie.”

“It’s like your ghost lingers…”

Again.

She stopped eventually.

You snuck out of your room to get food but realized there was no need. She wasn't there.

She played her games and shows at full blast, shouting and laughing late through the night, let the dishes pile up in the sink, left the living room more and more disheveled each day, played music at unspeakable volumes in the shower, and made no attempts to speak to you.

You just let it be, because you couldn’t bring yourself to face her, even to reprimand her. You just sat in your room, hoping you could ignore these feelings till they went away but it proved to be harder than you ever anticipated.

So many emotions are weighing you down now, it feels like they're pushing against the confines of your skull, like your head's gonna burst.

And tonight is a Saturday night, so Ellie isn’t home. She left without a word, slamming the door behind her. She’s gone to some rando’s place to smoke weed. Then, she’ll come back cross faded with a girl you might’ve seen around campus a few times. You know her routine.

It makes your stomach ache.

You don't want to hear it- no, today, you can not hear it. You have no right to be upset, acting like she didn't even exist and like you weren't bothered by what the two of you did. You know that. But if you hear her tonight, you'll have no choice but to go. You feel pathetic. It happens a lot these days.

It's getting late, past midnight. If Ellie were to bring a girl home, it'd be around now. You squeeze your eyes shut, resisting the urge to smack yourself for thinking the thoughts that swarm in your mind.

Despite it all, you couldn't even tell yourself that having sex with Ellie was a mistake, because it felt so right in that moment.

You sigh and place your can of beer back on the coffee table in front of you, the bitterness that lingers in your mouth suddenly getting to be too much as you imagine what will unfold tonight. You're angry at her even though it doesn't make sense for you to be, huh?

Pushing through, you pat the space on the couch around you in a halfhearted attempt to find the remote, telling yourself you should probably go hide in your room before she gets back.

You hear it; the sound of her voice out in the hallway as she hums that song she was blasting in the shower earlier today. Now, you're frozen in place, watching the door swing open.

With the heartbeat of an animal of prey being hunted, you look back at the TV screen, too afraid to confront whatever you will inevitably have to confront tonight.

“Oh, you're not hiding in your room anymore, huh?” she murmurs, sounding almost as bitter as you, her words quiet and slow.

You find your hands moving on their own, grabbing the remote you were struggling to find and fumbling as you try to turn off the TV. “... I wasn't hiding. I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Fuck you.”

You throw your head around to meet Ellie's gaze. Her cheeks are rosy and her eyes are slightly bloodshot, but she's not drunk.

“Excuse me?”

She's alone. She came back alone. You can’t help but let out a shaky breath at the same time she pushes out a venomous scoff, mumbling some shit along the lines of my puns are fucking hilarious and doesn’t appreciate my fucking fun facts.

“That's the first time you looked at me in days. You're ignoring me, fuckin' asshole.”

You look down and shake your head; Ellie moves closer. So, you put the remote down and turn away to leave the living room.

“I told you, Ellie, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm gonna go to bed.”

“You better fucking stop pulling whatever shit you're pulling now.”

She grabs your wrist and looks you in the eye. You can smell it on her, the alcohol and the anger. That fucking addictive body spray she uses. And she looks so hauntingly beautiful in this blue light. Fuck. It's too much. You want to tell her to get off but the words die on your tongue; her expression hit you like cold water to the face.

Ellie looks sad.

“Why did... I thought… fuck... you can't do that... you're confusing me, you're being...”

Your eyebrows furrow in panic,

“Ellie... it was just sex, you... you have sex all the time. It’s not like it meant anything…”

She shakes her head, scoffing,

“That’s different. It’s just cuz I wanna fuck; I don’t know those girls. I don’t see them again. I know you; I see you every day!”

You’re caught up in the heat of the moment, huffing in frustration, not knowing what to feel, what to think.

“Well, I didnt think it was any different, I thought-”

Ellie shakes her head desperately, her voice cracking.

“Jeez, do I have to fucking spell it out for you? I have feelings for you! How can you not see that?… So, dont... fuck with me if you’re expecting me to act like it was nothing. Because, holy shit, it was something, and I can’t fuckin’ do that. I’m sorry.”

The world stops spinning for a moment and you’re standing in front of Ellie with a bright red face and a pounding heart, feeling like a little girl.

“You have feelings for me?”

She stares at you as you sit back on the couch and wipe a stray tear, and then another, and another.

Fuck, you’re ruining the moment. It’s so dramatic and stupid to cry about it, you know, but your body is completely overcome with relief, washing away the intense feelings that have been swirling in you the past week like a hurricane.

You’ve had feelings for Ellie since the moment you saw her, and they’ve only gotten stronger day by day. It was heartbreaking to see her so casually sleeping with other girls, and it was terrifying to think you’d become one of them.

“I’m so sorry, Ellie, I thought you thought it was just, like, meaningless sex. I was so scared you’d act like nothing happened, so I acted like it didn’t happen first, or something. It sounds so dumb now. Oh my god, I was such a bitch to you, Ellie, I’m so sorry-”

Ellie cuts you off as she brings your wrist up to her lips and presses a gentle kiss to the back of your shaking hand.

You look at her, your other hand gliding up her side and onto the back of her neck.

“You’re so pretty, Ellie. God, since I first saw you...”

You lean in and Ellie’s already on you, kissing you desperately, even more than the first time.

The two of you stumble back to your room, completely entangled, your hands roaming all over each other.

You’re on top of the sheets, moaning into each other’s mouths like you’re drunk, like your hands are moving on their own.

And your clothes are in a heap on the floor, discarded mindlessly as you tug on the waistband of Ellie’s jeans, hand slipping up her sports bra and circling her hard nipple gently before pulling it over her head and closing the gap between your mouths once more.

Her lips never leave yours as she shoves down her pants, fanning your face with hot, aroused breaths when you separate for air.

There’s a visible bulge in her boxers. The sight gives you feelings that travel straight to your core before your eyes meet hers.

She ducks and presses warm, gentle kisses along your collarbone; you can feel the smirk against your skin.

Her touch is electric, tongue gliding down your sternum, sending shivers throughout your body.

She mumbles, “I’ve been wearing it…” and kisses your right nipple, cupping your boob in her hand as she sucks it, teeth grazing the skin and tongue rounding it, before she pulls back with a pop. “Every day…” she moves to your left, doing the same, and your breathing picks up, your fingers tangling themselves in her auburn hair. “Since I fucked you.”

You can't hold back the soft moan that leaves your lips as you push your chest into her face, hips bucking against hers. Your cunt hits the bulge, nudging it against Ellie's clit and she squeezes her eyes shut with a groan before coming up and kissing you again, one hand holding your hip and the other interlaced with yours.

You chuckle against her as your nails gently graze the expanse of her back, “Always prepared, huh?”

Ellie's smile is breathtaking. It hasn't stopped making your heart flutter in a year. Everything feels warm, like home. You put your forehead against her's, exchanging hot, shaky breaths,

“Good, because I need it, Ellie, please.”

“Of course,” she whispers, and the nickname feels right now, no awkward pauses following. She kisses the tip of your pink-tinged nose and peppers more across your neck as she pulls down her boxers.

You feel the silicone against your pussy and your eyes roll back, a quiet gasp escaping. It's warm this time, the product of Ellie's body heat. And then you feel the feeling your body's been begging for as she rubs it against you, covering it with your slick. Those little noises you're making and the way you're quivering- it's driving Ellie crazy.

Her eyes never leave your face, glazed and staring up at you from the comfort of your shoulder as the tip teases your entrance.

“Tell me if it hurts, babe, I’ll go slow.” She slowly pushes it in with surprising ease, listening to your quiet moans, and, now, she knows- knows you've been aching for it for days. You glance down and give her a dazed smile, inviting her to keep going.

Ellie pushes herself up, closer to your lips and mutters, “Shit... I'm gonna make you feel good, promise,” locking her swollen lips with yours, and starts slowly pushing it deeper.

You're breathing heavy, moaning into her mouth like you're on ecstasy as Ellie picks up the pace, bouncing her hips against yours rhythmically. Her soft groans are filled with pleasure as the strap rubs against her core. It get you excited.

You can feel your own pleasure build up, babbling incoherently. Ellie knows you're both so close, so soon, and, with her hand on your hip, the other stroking your cheek.

Ellie moans at the sight of the feeling overcoming you, she pushes her thumb into your mouth, deeper till it hits the back of your throat and you gag, starting to thrust into you faster and harder now. Your eyes are rolling back into your head.

The tears that pooled in the corners of your eyes - she wipes them away and brings the thumb to your throbbing clit, watching you writhe desperately when she slowly circles it.

Her lips quirk into a smile, thrusts getting more and more hungry.

“Love your pretty face so much.”

“F-fuck, I'm close, Ellie,” you choke out, cutting yourself off with a loud moan, so Ellie fucks into you harder, through your seemingly never-ending orgasm, and not pulling out even when it's done.

When you calm down, you pull her closer and bury your face in her neck,

“I wanna make you feel good, Ellie… Fuck… Cum on me.”

Ellie groans, “You got a slutty mouth, huh? I fucking love it.”

She’s searching for more, hungry for more, to make you feel good. To feel good. And her hand traces the skin down your stomach to your cunt, eyes clenching shut when she feels it dripping in slick.

Like it comes naturally, she moves back, kneeling over you after gently raising your leg onto her shoulder, and bumps her wet clit against yours.

The friction is delicious, your hips lift mindlessly, sliding your cunt up on hers. The movement earns you another graphic moan from Ellie, that, and the wet sounds of your cunts against each other before she grinds against you, softly brushing a lock of hair out of your flushed face.

She watches your body move, mesmerized by the way is bounces as her hands subconsciously dart around to feel and grope, squeezing your tits hard, grinding ravenously.

She leans over your figure, pushing your leg further into your chest, and kisses you as she thrusts her hips against you desperately, like she's feral, the way she gets when she’s close. Her sweet moans mix with yours as your arms wrap tight around her neck. The peak is getting closer, and it looks like everything around Ellie’s eyes is blurred, melting into a pool of warmth that caresses you. It’s long and intense, the feeling of her cunt clenching against yours, the sound of her panting as she rides it out.

You cum into her as she cums into you, slick covering your sweaty thighs. You feel complete, grinning dumbly.

You still feel euphoric when you come down, still feel euphoric when she kisses your forehead and pulls you close in her embrace because it’s not just sex.

This is something. The something.

[brownsugarwrites]

Hold on.

Pairings: countryboy!kenshi x citygirl!black!reader

Warnings: cursing. smut. praise. vaginal sex. spitting. fingering. creampie. nipple play. reader has braids and nipple piercings. mentions of lingere. Pet names (sugar, baby, sunshine, babygirl, pretty girl, my wife). you and kenshi are newlyweds on yalls honeymoon!.

wc: 2.0

notes: Loved writing this. I hope you enjoy. If theres any warnings I miss please let me know. For your listening pleasure.

The crackles of the wooden fireplace could be heard throughout the quaint cabin as the aromas of the freshly made chilli could be smelled throughout.

It was always in the plan for you two to have a winter honeymoon and you were shocked it came so soon. But the wait was worth it. You spent some much needed time with your husband and even learning things about him you never knew.

When you two went snowboarding he was actually good at it. It made you jealous he was able to ride more of the intermediate slopes while you had to stay on the kiddie ones. 

Out of side hitting the slopes, most of you and Kenshi's time was spent hiking, exploring the woods, and going to the city to explore and eat. 

While you weren't complaining you missed your man in ways only he could statsify. You had brought this pink frilly lettuce trim lingerie set to wear for him since it was your honeymoon but by the time you got back from your activities each day, the two of you just wanted to shower and sleep.

But luckily for you the last day in the cabin was spent just relaxing and cuddling. The two of you watched the snowfall with a cup of hot chocolate and watched a few movies to pass the time.

Now that it was a little later into the night. The two of you migrated to the room with the floor-to-ceiling windows directly looking over the frozen lake which the moon reflected from as the warm lights from the lamp illuminated the room.

“Did you enjoy your time sugar?” his honey-thick accent rung out 

Looking into his eyes, you nodded before sitting on your knees.

“I did Ken. The scenery was so nice and all the delicious food! You chose a great spot” you said smiling

You watched as he put both his hands behind his head smiling at you. Closing your eyes gently you sighed trying to drown out the inappropriate thoughts about your newlywed husband before opening them up again. 

Quick flashes of the way he went down on you on your wedding night still had you captivated and had wanting for more.

But the winter season was so rough on him on the farm so your sex life wasn't like it was before the two of you got married. You let him focus on his crops and animals while you made sure to take care of him the best way you could. But the lingering touches and kisses really set your body on fire. You felt like a teenage girl experiencing touch for the first time. 

Coming on this trip you expected sex on top of sex. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. You were damned if you were going to let this last night go to waste.

“Something on your mind sweetheart?” Kenshi would ask seeing that you started to stare off into space.

“Yes actually,” you said eyes meeting his 

Gesturing for you to expand further you told him to wait on the bed and you’ll be right back. Going to your duffle bag you stuffed the lingerie set under your shirt before scurrying into the ensuite bathroom. 

Cocking an eyebrow he shrugged his shoulders before going back to his phone to check on some orders pertaining the farm. A couple of moments flew by and he wondered if you were ok in there.

“You ok in there baby girl?” he asked from the bed.

Becoming startled you quickly closed the top of your mascara and sounded back a yes telling him you’ll be out in a moment. You were nervous for some reason. It wasn't like he hadn't seen you naked but it's been a while since you've been intimate and this was your first time dressing up for him.

Your pierced nipples with the hearts on the barbells could be seen through the mesh of your top and so could the small wet patch seen from your underwear as well. You finished putting on your pink glittery lip gloss before adjusting the cute pink bow that held your knotless braids in a ponytail and fixing the pendant with your husbands initial on it.

“Baby I'm coming out,” you said peeking your head outside

“Ok I'm ready f’you” he said smiling while doing the come here motion with his fingers

“You have to close your eyes, Ken!!! It's a surprise,” you said excitedly 

Closing his eyes you made sure he wasn't looking before peeping over to the bed and going back to your previous position of sitting on your knees. As he felt the bed dip he got a whiff of that particular flower scent you loved.

“Open your eyes,” you said through small giggles 

Opening his brown eyes, he saw you sitting so pliantly in the skimpiest of clothing with the cutest smile on your pretty face as the diamonds of the necklace sparkled against your brown skin.

“ ‘s all for me, sweetheart?” he asked sitting up on the headboard and watching you as you nodded your head chewing on your glossed lip a little

“What for?” he asked before rubbing up and down your thigh that held the lacy bow garter. 

“You know… it's our honeymoon and I wanted to look pretty for you! Also because we haven't had sex in a while” you said mumbling the last part.

Giving a “hm” in satisfaction he played with the garter for a minute before snapping it against your thigh. Hissing at the sensation you playfully hit his chest before giggling.

“You too quiet,” you said meekly 

“Just enjoying the view sugar that's all,” he said grinning up at you before going back to rubbing your plush thighs 

Repositioning yourself back onto your knees Kenshi took notice of the sticky wet spot that clung onto your sheer panties. Smirking he looked up at your soft face before opening his mouth to speak. 

“You look so pretty in this lil get-up you have on” he teased moving his hands closer to your clothed cunt

Your cheeks burned as the compliment went towards your pulsing cunt. Giving a thank you he slotted his fingers into the inside of your thighs before giving it a squeeze. Without being told your thighs fell open exposing that wet spot on your panties.

Feeling his thumb stroke up and down you sighed squeezing your eyes shut 

“Tell me where you want me sugar,” he said continuing the teasing motion.

“Right there Ken please” you pleaded to him grinding yourself onto his hand

Flipping you over to your back his hands found purchase on your hips before moving your underwear to the side swiping his fingers up and down your silt

“Missed this s’much” he said pushing his fingers inside your warm cunt

Whimpering at the sensation your breath came out more of a hiccup as you squirmed under him. 

“You’re so good to me sweetheart. Getting all dolled up just f’me. Makes me feel like the luckiest man.” he expressed while putting pressure against your clit

“K-kenshi please bout to cum” you whined back arching off the bed 

“Cmon sweetheart let it out” he instructed you as you came undone from his fingers

Letting out a squeal your body went limp on the bed as you caught your breath

“Fuck” you rasped out breathless coming down from your orgasm 

This is what you wanted. What you craved for all those nights leading up to this honeymoon. Your plan was coming into fruition. 

Looking to where your husband was seen taking off his shirt revealing in the intricate tattooed arm sleeve that transformed to a chest piece. You smiled sweetly at your beloved husband as your head rested on the pillow.

You had to be some angel that fell from the sky. At least thats how he felt about you. He knew from the first date he wanted to make you his wife. Even with the stark differences of you being a city girl and him being a traditional country boy. 

He knew he wanted to take care/provide for you as long as you lived. He would do anything if it meant seeing you smile. He loved you more than anything.

Pulling you to the edge of the bed he hooked your plush thighs across his hips as you rested on the palm of your hands. Staring at you his eyes trailed to the diamond K pendant that stopped right before the valley of your breasts he placed a kiss to your collarbone leading up to shoulder eventually finding his way to your neck. Moaning softly you tilted your head in order to give him more access to you. 

Deciding to become bold with your words you told him what you wanted.

“Kenshi.. I need you to fuck me.. Please” you said feeling your self go crazy at the incessant teasing

Hearing those words fall from your glossed lips he groaned in response before yanking your thin panties off and quickly unbuckling his pants. Freeing his dick from its confines he held out his hand as he instructed you to spit on it before going back to stroke himself a few times.

Squirming at the sight you tried to pull him as close as you could so that he was close to your entrance. Bringing you into a kiss he gave himself a few more pumps before lining himself with your pussy and pushing in gently. 

“Oh shit” you whined little tears pricking at your eyes as your eyes squeezed shut

“Just focus on me sunshine, relax let me make you feel good” he cooed as his free hand came to your pierced nipple rolling it gently feeling your hips buck into him

“Thats it pretty girl. You can take it all right baby?” He asked pushing in further as you choked back a yes 

“I know you can babygirl. Such a good wife f’me isnt that right” he asked as you nodded your head in agreement

Bottoming out he quickly began to give you long and deep strokes as you moaned in his ear about how deep he was. One hand held you to him as plowed into you hearing your cries for more and your babbling. Your nails dug in his toned back as you came again for the second time with out warning. 

Not giving you much time to think he flipped you over onto your stomach placing a pillow under your lower stomach you tried to catch yourself from falling but quickly felt a pair of hands steady you as he pushed back in.

“Oh fuck, w-ait Kenshi please” you begged as tears fell from your eyes still sensitive from your prior orgasm.

Ignoring your cries he plowed into you watching the way your ass rippled everything time he pushed back into you. Your head rested on duvet as they caught your tears as your hands tried to push him away to slow him down. 

“Nun uh sweetheart you can handle it. Doing s’good for me just hold out for me” he said taking your hand and kissing the finger that held the wedding ring he put on your finger

Coming close to your orgasm again your cries became louder as you asked your husband to let you cum. Nearing his release he gave you the greenlight as he came with you cum filling up your pussy as it still clenched around his dick.

Pulling out gently he watched as his load seeped out of you before turning you back over to see you falling asleep

“Hey, sweetheart, wake up f’me gotta get you cleaned” he said placing soft kisses along your face to wake you up

“Need a few minutes ken. Please” you said in between breathes laced with sleepiness

Laughing at your fucked out state he gave you one more kiss before letting you rest. Watching your chest rise and fall as the soft light illuminated you 

“Thank you for being my wife. Thank you for everything” he said quietly as he ran his hand over your braids.