#there’s no reason to discuss or forgive the pain caused

[cerberin]

my heart is sooooooooooooooo annoying

[edenesth]

The Way to His Heart [12]

Pairing: general!Seonghwa x wife!reader

AU: arranged marriage au (Joseon era)

Word Count: 3.1k

Summary: Life has been hell ever since your mother's passing many years ago. Despite being from a prominent family, you've never received the privileges associated with it. It only got worse with the arrival of your stepmother and her daughters. When the intimidating General Park was in search of a wife, your father seized the opportunity to dispose of you, simultaneously securing a connection with the powerful general—killing two birds with one stone.

Part 11 | Fic Masterlist | Part 13

Prince Yeosang.

The fourth son born to the King and Queen of Joseon, was among the most widely recognised princes in the nation, though not for reasons one might consider positive. Unlike his numerous brothers and sisters, he adamantly resisted marriage despite reaching a suitable age.

But of course, his singledom was not the main reason for the constant chatter about him. The real cause for the heightened attention was the prominent birthmark beside his left eye.

In Joseon, beauty held immense significance, particularly for members of the royal family, who were deemed superior and held to higher standards than the commoners. Consequently, the prince's distinctive mark marked him as an anomaly within the royal lineage.

Throughout his life, Yeosang had been accustomed to the constant scrutiny that came with being perceived as a defect. From what he understood, even his own parents had reacted with alarm upon witnessing the sizable red birthmark on the side of his face when he was born. In reality, the mark didn't diminish his attractiveness, but societal taboos surrounding such markings led people to overlook his overall appeal and fixate solely on the spot.

As a result, he rejected all marriage proposals, having observed the disdainful glances directed at him by potential candidates. The thought of being wedded to someone who did not genuinely appreciate him was unappealing. Besides, he loathed the constant parade of pampered girls presented to him annually.

He would prefer to remain alone for the rest of his life than be tied down to any of those brats. Having always believed that no one could ever empathise with the pain of having such a mark on their face, he was more than astonished to discover you proudly displaying your scar. What's more, you stood in stark contrast to any of the snobbish noblewomen he had met.

It was when he was evading his many princely obligations meant to prepare him for the throne, despite being fourth in line, that he unexpectedly came across you, the beautiful stranger, while seeking a brief escape in the garden. For the first time in a long while, his heart quickened as he approached you, fearing he might lose sight of your enchanting presence.

"Allow me to express our deepest respect, Your Highness. This is Lady Park, the esteemed wife of General Park. Mistress, may I present to you Prince Yeosang." As if sensing his intentions, the servant standing beside you quickly clarified your identity.

However, if she thought this revelation would dissuade the fourth prince, she was sorely mistaken as Yeosang only smiled wider. So, you were the famous Miss Jang, currently the talk of the town. Knowing that you were here only to discuss wedding arrangements, he deduced that you and the general were not yet properly wedded.

That meant not all hope was lost for him.

Your eyes widened at Eunsook's words, the realisation sinking in that you were in the presence of a prince. Without wasting another second, you performed the formal bow you had practised countless times with the head maid before visiting the palace. Greeting the prince respectfully, you maintained the poise and grace befitting your status as the general's wife, "It is my greatest honour to be in your presence, Your Highness. Forgive this humble subject for failing to recognise you."

Up close, Yeosang's admiration for you only intensified. The genuine respect you demonstrated meant more to him than you would ever know. The prince had rarely been shown sincerity, and he knew then that he was right about your purity. Unlike any other noblewoman, you didn't eye him with even the slightest hint of disgust.

She's the one.

"Please rise, Miss Jang. It is quite alright; no harm is done. If anything, it feels very refreshing not to be recognised in an instant." He extended a hand to assist you, gently lifting you from your bow. Your eyes widened in wonder, and you offered him a grateful smile, not recalling Eunsook mentioning this part of the greeting.

Meanwhile, the head maid was in a state of panic, realising that the prince seemed interested in you. He had disregarded your title as Lady Park and had taken the opportunity to be close to you. Seonghwa would not be pleased if he found out.

"I'll be honest, I have yet to meet anyone who adores flowers as much as I do. It's almost as if fate brought us together." Yeosang said, chuckling as he took in your eyes sparkling with sincere enthusiasm. You seemed innocently happy just to make a new friend.

How precious.

"Would you care to take a stroll with me, my lady? I know of a perfect spot with a view that surpasses even this one."

Eunsook's stomach sank as you agreed to his invitation. It wasn't that she blamed you for being unfaithful to her master; she knew you were simply too clueless to see through the prince's intentions. Her concern was for the potential aftermath of the situation – what would happen if the general were to learn about Yeosang's interest in you and your willingness to spend time with him.

In another part of the palace at the War and Strategy Department building, the atmosphere was the furthest thing from peaceful as the words spoken by His Majesty weighed heavily on your husband's heart, "I'm so sorry, my boy. It seems your wedding will have to wait. Relations with the neighbouring nation, Ruhon, have not been very good lately. I fear war is inevitable this time, and... we need you."

Seonghwa sank into one of the chairs, his eyes blinking rapidly as he absorbed the weight of the words just spoken, "War...? H-how serious is the situation? And why haven't I been informed about the strained relations with Ruhon?"

San, taking a seat beside him, sighed and responded, "We've been attempting peace negotiations with them for months, but an agreement seems elusive. They've been making unreasonable demands. We didn't want to burden you with any of this at first, we wanted you to focus on your new marriage. But the situation has escalated, and it appears we're left with no choice but to prepare for the worst."

The King continued with a heavy heart, "Unfortunately, despite our efforts, we haven't been able to reach an agreement with Ruhon regarding their latest demands. They are now threatening to settle matters through force. We must start preparing and strategising immediately; their attack could come at any time."

The implications of the impending conflict raced through your husband's mind, the weight of responsibility pressing down on him. The realisation that he would have to lead the army into battle overshadowed the joy of his recent marriage. Just when he thought things were finally looking up for the two of you, the looming threat of war cast a dark shadow over your lives.

He pressed a hand against his head, eyes shut tight, muttering, "I could be gone for months or even years..."

"I'm sorry, Seonghwa-yah. I know this is not what you expected, especially right after your marriage. I wish we didn't have to ruin your plans like this." The King apologised with a solemn expression.

With a shake of his head, the general replied, "No, Your Majesty, I understand the gravity of the situation. My duty lies in protecting this nation. I promise I won't let anything jeopardise its safety, even if it means altering my personal plans."

Nodding, the ruler pursed his lips appreciatively, "We thank you for your dedication, General Park. We'll need you to lead our forces and devise a strategy to repel the impending threat from Ruhon."

"I'll do everything in my power to safeguard our country, my King. You have my word." Seonghwa knew that safeguarding his nation also meant keeping his own wife safe. As much as he hated it, there was no time to dwell on the disappointment of the changed plans; he needed to get to work immediately.

Transitioning into his professional demeanour, he interlocked his hands as he met the gaze of the ruler of Joseon, "When is my deployment to the war zone scheduled?"

His Majesty sighed deeply before answering him, "You have a few days to spend with your wife; the troops are still establishing the base as we speak. You can head over when it's ready. General Officer Song has also been notified and will be there to start strategising in detail with you by then."

Following the finalisation of the main details, the meeting came to a close. As the general prepared to leave, the King stopped him once more. Before he could offer yet another apology, Seonghwa intervened, "You don't owe me any apology, Your Majesty. None of this is your fault; you've done your best to protect your people. Now it's my turn to perform my duty. I... I only have one thing to ask of you while I'm gone..."

The ruler nodded, aware of the request that would follow, "I ask that you watch over my wife for me and make sure she's well protected until my return," His Majesty agreed, a hand squeezing your husband's shoulder, "Of course, my boy. You don't even have to ask."

As your husband headed towards the cherry blossom garden to find you, the unexpected sight of you with the fourth prince caught him off guard. Suppressing a sigh, he shook his head, preventing another wave of irrational jealousy from taking over. He reminded himself that, as San had assured him, you were his. Perhaps, he reasoned, you were simply making new friends.

Moreover, he recalled Prince Yeosang's firm stance on not settling down. Seonghwa reassured himself that there should be nothing more to this than platonic bonding.

Catching sight of her master approaching, Eunsook's panic began to seize her. Mentally preparing herself for the incoming wrath, she knew he wouldn't be pleased to see you spending time with another man. Turning back to you, she hoped to catch your attention, intending to warn you of his presence. However, you were too engrossed in your conversation with the prince, discussing your favourite flowers.

"I think my favourite might be the lotus flower, but that's probably because my husband has dedicated an entire pond full of it to me." The general's heart swelled with affection at your words, confirming that his trust in you was well-placed.

That's my girl.

Before the prince could respond and tell you that he could give you so much more, Seonghwa had finally arrived behind you.

"You're here, master," The head maid greeted, but he waved her off and bowed at Yeosang, "Yes, I'm here now. Thank you for keeping my wife company while I was busy, Your Highness. If there is nothing else, we will be taking our leave now."

Brightening up at your husband's presence, you stepped over to him, and he instinctively circled an arm around your back. Despite the enjoyable time with your new friend, the instant comfort of being with Seonghwa made you feel at home again. The fourth prince's eye twitched at the interaction, but he did his best to maintain a smile on his handsome face.

The elderly woman was genuinely surprised; she blinked as she tried to comprehend her master's calm demeanour. It was unexpected, especially considering how unhappy he had been when you were around Yunho and San. But she found relief in not witnessing him explode or resort to his usual passive-aggressive self.

"Ahh yes, General Park, off to make arrangements for your upcoming wedding ceremony, I presume?" The prince's tone carried a hint of smugness, almost as if he were privy to some knowledge.

Your husband's expression dimmed at the reminder; there would be no wedding plans for some time. Mustering a cordial smile, he bowed lightly, "Something along those lines, Your Highness." He had no intention of breaking the news to you in this manner, and he certainly didn't feel obligated to provide Yeosang with any explanations, so a little fabrication wouldn't hurt.

As if on cue, a few palace servants finally caught up to the prince, out of breath, "There you are, Your Highness! Please don't make our jobs any more difficult than they already are. Will you return to the library with us? The royal tutor is still waiting for you." Yeosang sighed and reluctantly turned to bid you goodbye.

"Very well then. It was nice talking to you, Miss Jang. I hope to see you again. And you, General Park." You and Seonghwa bowed politely as he left the garden with the poor servants trailing miserably behind.

The general did his best to brush aside the prince's borderline irritating behaviour, particularly the way he insisted on addressing you as Miss Jang despite your change in marital status. In the grand scheme of things, such trivialities held no importance now. Chances were slim that you would ever meet Prince Yeosang again, given the impending war and the duties that awaited your husband.

With a deep breath, he focused on the immediate task at hand – spending precious moments with you before he had to leave for the war. Gently tucking a strand of stray hair behind your ear, he offered a warm smile, "Come, my love. Let's make our way home."

Furrowing your brows in confusion, you questioned, "We're heading home already? Aren't we supposed to meet His and Her Majesty?" The head maid shared your astonishment; she was equally puzzled.

Seonghwa let out a small sigh and nodded, "Yes, there's been a change of plans. I'll explain on our way home."

As you walked back to the waiting carriage, your husband's mind raced with thoughts of how to break the news to you. You had only just overcome a traumatising ordeal and were finally getting your happily ever after. The daunting task of telling you that he would have to leave for war for an indefinite amount of time loomed over him. He wondered about your possible reactions and couldn't shake the uncertainty of whether he would return.

Despite being the great General Park, he couldn't escape the reality that, at the end of the day, he was still human.

Settling down into the vehicle, you noticed your husband staring anxiously out the window, lost in thought. Placing a hand over his, you softly called out, "Seonghwa," When he turned to meet your concerned gaze, you inquired, "What is it? What was the emergency meeting about?" He grasped your hands, squeezing them, as he prepared himself to share the news with you.

"I... I'm so sorry, my love, but our wedding ceremony will have to be postponed... indefinitely," As disappointing as that was, you wanted to know the actual reason, so you nodded and waited for him to continue, "That's because... there is an incoming war."

He didn't need to elaborate for you to grasp the situation immediately. Naturally, it meant he would have to go and fight. As the most promising general in all of Joseon, the King's most trusted warrior, if it wasn't him going off to fight, then who else? Your heart clenched uncomfortably at the revelation, but you understood it was only part of his job, so you smiled reassuringly at him, "Oh... I-I understand, Seonghwa. Wh-when are you leaving then?"

Raising his brows in surprise, it took him a minute to react, "W-wait, are you not upset with any of this? I will be leaving you, and it could be for months or even years... and you're okay with it?"

You sighed shakily, the smile now dropping.

"Of course, I'm not okay with it... If only it were possible, I would like to keep you all to myself, but it's your job to defend the nation. You're General Park, and I'm so proud of you for that. You've won so many battles; I'm certain this will be another easy victory for you. As your wife, I will do my duty to safeguard our home until your return."

Just as he believed his love for you couldn't deepen further, your words proved him wrong. He felt incredibly fortunate to have such an understanding wife. He should have known better; he didn't know why he expected you to throw a tantrum. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close and pushing your head into the crook of his neck, "You're right; I'm an idiot. I hope you know you're not making it any easier for me to leave you."

Despite the tears welling up in your eyes, you chuckled, trying to maintain a positive outlook amid the looming dread. Inside, you were trembling, and letting him go was the last thing you wanted. Yet, you had to face your reality, "You haven't answered me, Seonghwa. When are you leaving?"

He squeezed his eyes shut, tightening his hold around you before whispering, "In a few days, my love. A few days."

« Preview of Part 13 »

"Your Majesty, the fourth prince requests an audience with you." The Queen arched an eyebrow, surprised that her most rebellious son would willingly seek to meet her. She had anticipated him doing everything in his power to avoid her due to her constant nagging for him to settle down.

"Hm, does he now? Allow him to enter."

With a deep bow, the eunuch complied, "Yes, Your Majesty, as you wish," before exiting the Queen's chambers to fetch her son.

"The fourth prince, Your Majesty," Yeosang made a grand entrance with a half-hearted bow and greeting, "It's been a while, Mother."

Her Majesty snorted in disbelief, but it no longer surprised her. He had always been the most disobedient among all of her children. She tried to be understanding, acknowledging that his life hadn't been as easy as his other siblings due to the birthmark on his face. This understanding explained her leniency with his attitude.

"What a surprise, Yeosang. To what do I owe the pleasure, my son? If this is regarding more funds or approval for another one of your expeditions out of the palace, you can forget it. I don't want to hear it unless you're telling me you wish to get married—"

With a smirk, the prince crossed his arms over his chest, "That's exactly what I am here for, Mother. I came to tell you I have changed my mind and would agree to get married, on one condition."

The Queen immediately straightened in her seat, wondering if she had heard him wrong, "Y-you're willing to get married?" He nodded, and she widened her eyes, "Name it; what is your condition?"

"It has to be the eldest Miss Jang promised to General Park Seonghwa. It's her or nothing, Mother."

Y'all, my new and final semester of uni starts next week. Here's a heads-up; updates are probably not going to be as frequent, but I will do my best! Also, I apologise if this part felt like a filler chapter HAHA gotta let the drama build up slowly.

As always, thank you for reading and let me know your thoughts! <3

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[streets-in-paradise]

In These Arms - Achilles x (Fem) Trojan!Reader

Warnings: Paris dumped the reader for Helen before she gets to meet Achilles. Includes break up angst + discussion of cheating.

Summary: Heartbroken and publicly humilliated after being abandoned by Paris, you seek peace in the promise of giving up on men without realizing the consequences of his actions would find you one last time.

Turned into a war prisoner and handled to the leader of the myrmidons, the unusual comfort of your master offers you a second chance.

Note: Inspired by two prompt lists by my dear friend @alysinwonderland-at-tea

Angst list - Prompt 4 " Everyone told me you were going to break my heart. I should have listened to them. "

Fluff list - Prompt 2 "I think about you. Ceaselessly."

Tags: @lovelybaka

If everyone else in Troy had reasons for sorrow, on top of theirs you were the most damaged. The man you loved had returned home bringing someone else on his charriot. A stolen queen, woman you didn't have the slightest chance of comparing yourself to given the charm of her famously inhuman beauty. Even when Paris never made any expressed promises priorly, love confessions had once been mutually retributed and you believed in that.

You trusted him going against the advice of many people who attempted to warn you. His own brother had told you that no matter how much he spoke of it, Paris knew nothing about love. Blinded by your feelings, you didn't care, and it turned out the worst mistake of your life.

" Everyone told me you were going to break my heart. I should have listened to them. "

It took you all the strenght you had left not to cry, but at that moment of confrontation it was him the one sobbing in front of you.

" I never meant to! Dear, what I felt for you was real … But it wasn't true love, and I had no way to tell the difference untill I meet Helen. "

You couldn't believe the excuse that was being given to you.

" It was for me, Paris … and because of you I think I will never love again. I gave you everything, but turns out all I am wasn't enough. "

The assumption seemed to have offended him.

" You know I don't mean that! Please, try to understand! "

" What's left to understand? You betrayed your homeland and you betrayed me. You too deserve each other, indeed: a cheater for a cheater … Lovely couple to doom us all! And me the first."

He gave you a hurted look, as if after what he did he still cared for your forgiveness.

" My heart breaks for you, and i am ashamed of myself for the pain i'm causing you … But what can shame do to stop the intensity of love? I would have never accompanied Hector to Sparta if I would have known there I would fall like this for someone else. I couldn't return pretending nothing have happened, and making you live a lie would have been even more unfair than this. You deserve better, I still hold good feelings for you. I swear it on these arms that had comforted you countless times before. "

Paris attempted to pull you closer for a hug, but you stopped him ríght away.

" You humilliated me in front of the entire city! And how strongly I wish I could get granted the mercy of never seeing you again, but Troy is not big enough for that. Blessed is the king of Sparta, who gets the ríght of spreading hate without having to see his wife in the arms of other man every day! Me, instead? I get doomed to watch you smile happyly from afar in the balcony of the palace alongside your mistress for the rest of my life. Do you call that justice, Paris? If that is your mercy, I would rather get your hate. "

In the most twisted way possible, the gods granted at least one of your wishes.

Promising yourself to never love another man ever again after your first love had ended so bitterly, you took the first step into the only path allowed for a woman in your position. With the help of Briseis, who remained your friend despite what happened with her cousin, you seeked to get choosen to take vows in her temple. It was a quick way to restitute your honor in the public eye and be left alone as well. Unfortunately, you didn't get to even try on the priestess robes before the concecuencies of Paris' actions reached you once more.

Greek warriors brought to avenge the husband of his new lover destroyed the temple, killing the priests and taking you prisioner. You would never get to see the great city of Priam again and, despite the sorrow you felt when thinking of your family, that also caused you a dark sense of relief. Because of Paris you have lost everything, even the most bassic of goods such as your freedom. Only after loosing so much, of hitting rock bottom, you had a real chance to be free of him.

Enslaved to Achilles, but liberated from everything you were before, the worst part was having to stand the provocations. The myrmidon enjoyed himself attempting to seduce you, but wasn't forcing you into his bed, and that worked good enough for you in that context.

At one given time you did found his teasing going too far, and only then you became fully honest with him.

" Why did you choose to love a god? I think you will find the romance one sided. "

It made your blood boil, even if you could tell he spoke to you like that because he had no idea of who you were despite knowing your name. Achilles believed to be teasing a priestess and in the discoverment of his mistake you ended up laying eyes on him for longer than you should.

He was wearing the same type of long egyptian styled robes Paris would typically wear in the domestic environment, keeping arms and shoulders covered while fully exposing the torso. It was matched with the same sort of long skirt made of light fabrics opened at the side for more cassual expousure. You could vividly remember he wore a black outfit almost identical to that one during the first night you made love.

And yet, that man looked nothing like him. His sun kissed skin and the sculpted muscles were as contrasting as his blond hair and blue eyes.

" I have choosen nothing, fate forced me to seek shelter in the cult of Apollo after being abandoned by the love of my life. I told myself that, if i could never love again, I could at least give my devotion to the regent god of my city. Because of you I never got to become a priestess, so now i'm a double spoil: rejected for marriage and dragged out of the temple. "

Although standing ríght in front of you, disbelief faded some of the cockiness.

" You won't be rejected here, that's a promise. I had a minor altercate with Ajax because we found you so pretty we both wanted to keep you."

He sat on the ground ríght next to you and observed you with tenderness before taunting you once more.

" Did I ruin your life, or arrived just in time to restaure your faith in men? I don't understand how a girl like you could think of running to hide inside a temple instead of getting herself a better man. "

You answered with the truth, but carefully crafting enough disdain.

" There was nothing I could have done to keep him with me when the competition was the most beautifull woman in the world. The majority of men would have done the same, and that's why I have choosen not to believe in any other ever again. "

Achilles wasn't expecting to find out he was struggling for the attention of the woman that the trojan prince had left behind in his pursuement of the spartan queen.

" Will all mankind pay for the crimes of Paris? That bastard is not even a man. You are so much better without him, consider that perhaps the queen has made you a favor. If he is your reason to give up on men, I have to say it's quite offensive for the rest of us. "

You could tell where his speech was coming and you tried to stop him.

" You would have given me to Ajax if Briseis wouldn't have ran away. I didn't left with her only because I have nothing left to live for. Living in Troy is unbereable for me, but at least here I don't have to worry about seeing them and that's the only perk i expect. Don't try to pretend you could be any different, specially when I'm here because you couldn't find any other more beautifull slave girl to claim yours. "

His hand was then on your face, lifting up your chin so your eyes won't leave his as his thumb caressed your lips.

" I think of you, ceaselessly. If there is any daughter of trojan judged more beautifull than you, I don't need to know and I don't care, because I want you over any other. "

Your hand followed his and pulled down, rejecting his contact.

" Sweet lies won't win me over, not this time. "

It frustrated him, but wouldn't make him desist.

" Would you believe me if I bring you his head on a spear? I can make him cry a painfull death to pay for your tears. Whatever vengeance Menelaus dreams of would be called mercy compared to what I can do to that trojan bastard in your name."

The strange rush of passionate defense encouraged you to reveal yourself.

" Revenge is not on my interest, all I want is to forget. Can you make me stop thinking of the first man who made my heart beat? The moments when we were happy still haunt me like a disease of the spirit, but then I remember someone else occupies my place now and it's like my heart gets eaten raw inside my chest. Pain and regret is all I have for you, son of Peleus. Paris drained me of anything else. "

Achilles got rid of his black robe and wrapped your shoulders with it.

" One night in my arms is all i think that would take me to vanish the memory of that fool from your mind. You haven't yet been loved by a real man: whatever he gave you would taste like few once you would have tasted me."

The fabric was still warm from the contact with his skin and he was holding both sides of it on top of your chest in an attempt of wrapping you tighter.

You didn't try to escape him that time and he used the new proximity in his advantage to trap you in his strong grip, pushing your body against his.

" In this arms you will find happiness again, if you allow me to show you how good I can do just for you. "

[starlight-bread-blog]

My Interpetation of The Southern Raiders: Part 1 – A\ang

Warning: The views expressed in this analysis will be very critical of Aang. If you aren't critical of him in this episode, you aren't going to enjoy this post. This is your chance to leave. I probably won't have a debate for personal reasons.

——————

The Southern Raiders is probably one of the most discussed episodes in the fandom. Everyone knows Zuko Alone is great, but the discussion surrounding this episode is a war zone. In this essay I will try to answer every question posed in the discourse. This is part 1 out of three. In this part, I will discuss A\ang. I believe that understanding both Zuko and Aang's decisions in this episode will give us great insight into Katara's. Because the this episode is hers.

——————

1. Is Aang's philosophy of forgiveness valid?

(1) "Revenge is like a two-headed rat viper. While you watch your enemy go down, you're being poisoned yourself".

(2) "You do have a choice: forgiveness". // "It's easy to do nothing, but it's hard to forgive". // "Forgiveness is the first step you have to take to begin healing".

This philosophy is indeed morally sound. Revenge comes from rage, a negative emotion that causes harm in the long run. Forgiveness is letting go of that rage, which is healing. I cannot write a full thesis, this essay is not about that. But on paper, I do agree with A\ang. He's right to say that letting go of rage is a better alternative than getting consumed by it. (However, his philosophy might not help some).

——————

2. Was A\ang being insensitive when talking to Katara?

First I must reiterate, a lot of people frame the conflict of the episode as one regarding the ethics of murder. In my interpretation, it is not. During this episode Katara was in a deeply emotional place. Her rage stemmed from intense grief and those around her should treat her as a mourner - with great sensitivity.

Now, was Aang being this sensitive with Katara? Well, in my opinion, very much so.

Imagine a scenario where A\ang just happens to meet Haru, and he's about to go on a quest to find revenge on who imprisoned his father. He tries to help him with the following sentences:

(1) Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

(2) Wait! Stop! I do understand. You're feeling unbelievable pain and rage. How do you think I felt about the sandbenders when they stole Appa? How do you think I felt about the Fire Nation when I found out what happened to my people?

(3) I don't think so. I think it's about getting revenge.

(4) Haru, you sound like Jet.

(5) The monks used to say that revenge is like a two-headed rat viper. While you watch your enemy go down, you're being poisoned yourself.

(6) Haru, you do have a choice: forgiveness.

(7) No, it's not. It's easy to do nothing, but it's hard to forgive.

(8) You did the right thing. Forgiveness is the first step you have to take to begin healing.

Everything makes sense, right? The pieces fit.He just talks about his cultura\personal values, nothing about what Katara needs at the moment. He could have had this exact conversation with Haru without changing a thing.

Therefore his lines are impersonal and thus preachy. In this conversation he doesn’t show signs of trying to convince Katara not to end her mother’s killer because she is, fundamentally, a good person and couldn’t live having committed murder. He shows signs of trying to make her obey his cultural ethos. This is highly insensitive. Katara was in a very emotional place, filled with rage and grief. And his response was, intentionally or not, to impose his own cultural principles onto her.

But his lines weren’t insensitive just because they were preachy, some of them were judgmental and even harsh. When A\ang is first confronted with Katara’s intentions, he says:

A\ang: Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

You can tell from his tone and how the rest of the conversation plays out that he does know what Katara thinks this will accomplish. He asks the question as a form of disapproval - that he thinks that going after Yon Rha won’t accomplish anything. He’s not being genuine, he’s casting judgment on her. He’s almost looking down on her and Zuko, looking down from a moral high ground and sarcastically interrogating the two. Another line that sticks out is

A\ang: Katara, you sound like Jet.

He says she sounds like the man who wanted to flood an entire village full of innocent civilians. He’s insulting her, and greatly so, all the while wanting to keep a moral high ground. This is incredibly rude and condescending.

In the next scene, right after the intense argument concludes, it appears as though A\ang comes around to the journey Katara was about to go through.

A\ang: I wasn't planning to. This is a journey you need to take. You need to face this man.But when you do, please don't choose revenge. Let your anger out, and then let it go. Forgive him.

While he’s still discouraging Katara, it’s not outright condescending. But it’s as clear as day that he’d just preferred if she didn’t go on the journey at all. When he sees Zuko and Katara taking Appa to find Yon Rha, he says:

A\ang: So you were just gonna take Appa anyway?

Clearly disapproving of Katara. He doesn’t want her to go on the journey to find inner peace, he wants her to forgive the man who killed her mother right here and right now. He couldn’t change her mind on the subject, so he’ll advise her the next best thing. It is worth noting that in the beginning, before he advises her, he cracks a joke.

A\ang: It's okay, because I forgive you. [Pauses.] That give you any ideas?

Overall, A\ang’s behavior is unsympathetic and callous.Instead of placing his focus on Katara’s wellbeing, he preaches about Air Nomad teachings and goes as far as insulting her. Even when he comes around, it’s not because he realized his mistakes, it’s because he knew he couldn’t change her mind. And then he makes a humorous remark while giving him his supposed new found advice. The answer is: Yes. Aang was very insensitive when talking to Katara.

——————

3. Did A\ang know what Katara needed?

I don’t think he did. A\ang thought Katara needed to forgive Yon Rha, and as we previously established, without going after him. But even if we look at his second advice, she still doesn’t follow it.

A\ang: This is a journey you need to take. You need to face this man. [Katara situates herself on Appa's head.] But when you do, please don't choose revenge. Let your anger out, and then let it go. Forgive him.

Katara explicitly didn’t forgive Yon Rha, and yet the whole point of the ending is that she’s in a better place now. No matter what Zuko says, A\ang didn’t know what Katara needed. And considering that his lines in the episode were as impersonal as they were, it isn’t a surprise.

——————

In conclusion, A\ang’s behavior in The Southern Raiders is questionable at best. He might have had pure intentions, and had a good message, but the way he put out the message was degrading and preachy. And in the end, he didn’t know what was the right thing for Katara.

Continued

[crowpickingss]

I LOVE CHARMING X HOOK, could you do Hook x reader x Charming where the VK' found out that Hook is daiting two royals so they start ignoring him, which made Hook really sad but reader and Charming tell him to come with their Friends (Ella, Bridget,...) and at the end Hook realize how good friendships could work.

At the end of the day the three of them stay in reader's room consoling Hook because he still sad about all that happend and Charming and reader reasure him that they love him and will never leave him alone. THANKS

Forget ‘Em’

hook x charming x reader

summary: you and charming comfort hook after his friends dumped him

warnings: none

a/n: thank you for the request! I’m slowly running out of hooks photos and idk what to do

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

You cared deeply about both of your boyfriends, if someone did anything to them you were the first to console them. As much as you wanted to fight them being a royal meant you had strict rules to follow outside or inside your castle.

You were glad you found another royal to dump your feelings onto because he understood and while hook didn’t fully understand his suggestions helped.

Hook had been looking more sad recently. He wouldn’t go on dates, barely hung out with you and strangely his friends. After a week of his not showing up you and charming started to get worried.

You two decided to meet up in your dorm to discuss a plan “What are we going to do, he can’t just ignore us for the rest of the year” You nodded “It’s also not just us he’s been ignoring, I haven’t seen whim with his friends at all…wait” Charming titled his head “What?”

You sat down on the bed “Ugh I am so stupid” Charming sat down next to you “Woah okay you are not stupid” You sighed “Hooks been avoiding us because his friends found out” Charming froze, he had caused one of the people he loved the most to be in so much pain and still hadn’t tried to help.

He stood up grabbed your hand and took you outside of the dorm. He pulled you to hooks and knocked on the door. Hook opened the door looking slightly different than usual “oh uh hi” You pushed past him into his dorm which was messier than usual “Okay hook you’re going to tell us what happened now” He sighed and took a seat on the floor “My friends don’t want to be my friends anymore, apparently I’m too good for them now”

You sat down beside him and hugged him tight “I’m so sorry, but why didn’t you tell us” Hook swallowed hard “The reason they said I was too good was because I was dating two royals” He rested his head in his knees.

You kissed him on the cheek getting his attention “Be friends with our friends, if they don’t want you then don’t crawl back to them” He raised his head “Do you think they would forgive me?” This time charming spoke up “Bridget yes she’s too nice for this world but Ella you’re going to have or give it some time” He nodded “Now let’s get this mess cleaned up and go on an ocean date or something” Hook laughed “An ocean date what does that entail” You roll you eyes “The ocean”

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

[lifeiskentastic]

Ken is jealous of gn!Reader (but for absolutely no reason)

Gif by @chriswevans

A/N: Dear anons, I am ofc a lazy asshole, but sooner or later I will answer every request, I promise (if I don't, you can burn me in hell);

Summary: gn!Reader interacts with the Other Ken, unaware of the destructive effect it has on Ken. So destructive that he even tore his bandana (but almost immediately sewed it back on)!

Word count: 711 words;

Enjoy!

Ken was very angry. Ken was very, very angry, irritated, furious and hurt. The whole world had suddenly become one big pile of injustice, betrayal and dishonour. Except for the horses, of course.

Every few minutes he sighed sorrowfully, and every few seconds he remembered you and held back angry tears. How could you talk to Another Ken when you already had one? Ken irratable kicked the sand with his foot, but missed and nearly fell backwards. This made him even angrier.

Ken fell rather than sit down on the sun-warmed sand, his head down on his folded arms in despair. It was too heavy because of... Well, because of the heavy thoughts. Ken couldn't stop replaying in his head that unbearably awful moment when he caught you talking to Another Ken.

His heart, soul, and the bandana he was clutching in his hands with all his fury were bursting at the seams (especially the bandana) as he remembered your laughter. No, your laughter itself was just a wonderful, sonorous sound, the best sound for Ken's ears! The problem was that this charming giggle was caused by a Ken. The Other Ken.

"Hello!”

 “Ha-ha... Oh, Ken, hi!"

And then the Other Ken dared to speak to you again, without giving poor Ken a chance to get a word in. So he ran away leave with his head held high, went to the beach, sat down on the shore and began to sob with bitter nostalgia, remembering the pleasure of his time with you.

Ken would have sulked until dawn if you hadn't come to his hunched figure.

“Ken?”

He didn't answer. In fact, he showed no signs of life at all. Except for resentment, of course.

You sat down next to him, trying to look into his eyes. But Ken's head was turned a perfect 180 degrees away from you.

“If this is about Ken, there's something you need to know.”

Ken's heart dropped to his heels when he heard what he clearly least wanted to hear.

“Actually, he and I have been discussing...”

Ken squeezed his eyes shut as if he was about to be hit. The most insane versions of your words were swarming through his head, but none of them came close to reality. To the raw, harsh reality...

“We were talking about a film night for you.”

“What?”

Ken's eyelids fluttered shut, and he didn't even notice how he jerked his head in your direction. And when he did... Well, judging by his wry grimace as he looked at your adored treacherous face with pain, his resentment was quite deep. However, after the words "movie night", another terrible monster awoke inside Ken: curiosity.

"Yes, silly, me and the other Kens were planning to have a film party dedicated to horses. In your honour. And it was supposed to be a surprise!”

Try as he might, Ken was too happy to hide his big smile. A film? In his honour? Horses?!

Ken stared at you with the most devoted look possible as his smile grew bigger and bigger. In his pleasantly surprised eyes, you could clearly read "I'm sorry I thought bad things about you (but it was your fault too)".  And perhaps somewhere in the secret corners of Ken's unexplored soul, the thought crept in that the Other Ken might not be such a scoundrel after all. But, of course, those were just the secret corners of his unexplored soul and nothing more.

However, even after bringing Ken back to a more positive mental state, you still needed to hear something very important from him:

“Ken, do you... Do you forgive me? I should have told you about my intentions earlier...”

Ken was looking at you with a bit of disbelief, although you could tell from his convulsively trembling lips that he was using all the possible and impossible powers of his plastic facial expressions to keep from smiling.

“Well, if you tell me when the party is, I might forgive you.”

Ken was far from an actor, and you could tell by the way he pouted when he barely found the control not to turn his head towards you again.

“Of course! Tonight.”

In the end, Ken not only forgave you, but also hugged you uncontrollably.

[tightjeansjavi]

please read

This isn’t a sugar coated plea for people to leave me alone and to forgive me, this is me coming clean over all of my wrongdoings from last year in this community.

It started back in May of 2023 when I posted an extremely hurtful, pointed, and distasteful take on dub con and non con writers within the community.

This post not only affected one writer in particular, but numerous other writers within the community. I have reached out to this person last year and apologized for my actions and hurtful words as I have done with others both privately and publicly.

My emotional immaturity and toxic behavior did not stop there and I have no excuse for it, nor do I have a reason to hide and act like I was this perfect and nice person when I in fact was not. I was a mean girl and a bully to another writer in the community (beskarandblasters) (Kel and I had a conversation in January of this year where I apologized for everything in detail and we have since then been neutral with one another)

I understand that this is deeply upsetting to hear, and if you choose to no longer follow me, I completely understand and you all deserve to protect your peace. And while I do hope for forgiveness and grace for my wrongdoings and my past toxic behavior, I do not expect it.

If you find it in your heart to forgive me and to recognize that my words and actions from last year do not reflect who I am now, I would be deeply grateful for your forgiveness and understanding. I am a human being at the end of the day, I made mistakes and I am admitting to them. If I could go back to last year and change my actions, I would do it in a heartbeat.

If you have ever felt slighted or hurt by me and would like to discuss in private, please feel free to either reach out in my DM’s or discord.

I am deeply sorry again for all the pain I have caused within the community.

Take care of yourselves,

-Gianna

* I would like to establish that this is not my first apology post.

I have shared past opinions on dark fiction writers that were untoward which led to subsequent unacceptable behaviour.

Upon reflection, I addressed the situation by apologising to the writers who were directly impacted by my statements both publicly and privately.

Here are the links to the previous posts. Apologies are meaningless if not accompanied by changed behavior and growth.

May 2023

October 2023

[teeth-cable]

Helluva is not South Park or Bojack Horseman for one reason, it hasn’t nothing to criticize about modern society. You can say what you want about both shows but at least they had the guts to criticized and approached (almost) all serious topics discussed with the respect and research deserved where it has solidified their place in pop culture.

Helluva has none of that, it’s a just a kiddie pool trying to look deep for attention. None of the writers wants to put time and effort to discuss the serious topics presented in their shows and every time they tried to make a critique, they recon it immediately.

Helluva supposedly being a story about the working class sticking it to the man, only for the main characters to rely on the man to keep their business alive, never creating a new system to challenge the imps’ workers rights status in Hell. In fact, even demonizing another imp character for wanting equality and to kill the Ars Goatias for the history worth of pain they caused to the imp species.

Helluva supposedly being a story how the upperclass will abuse their powers to take advantage of the lower class? Scrapped to make the Stotliz relationship more sanitized and humanized two of the Ring Leaders in a relationship with the lowest class but never diving deep into the morals and ethics, of the big power imbalance, control, and boundaries concerns in those relationships.

Helluva supposedly being a story how Blitzo’s trauma from being the reason why previous ex-relationships of his failed terribly and his fears to addressed it, will cause him to be stuck in a repeating cycle where he keeps pushing those around them away due to his inability to connect to others and his unlikeable personality makes him doomed for loneliness forever? Ignored. All of the people who cut ties with him because he was the reason, their relationship crashed are shown to be bitchy and worse than him. Those who do forgive Blitzo are seen as good but the story never takes into consideration if Blitzo is even worth being forgiven, considering his actions had and will continue to negatively affect these characters’ lives and the amount of years he spent running away from them to avoid taking accountability.

[nexilu]

Several people criticize the way Dean reproached Sam for leaving for Stanford, saying it was completely unfair to Sam. I agree with that; however, Dean's perspective is often overlooked.

When I consider Dean's behavior and perspective, I realize it’s similar to a situation I went through when a close friend of mine left. While I surely didn't experience it exactly the same way as Dean, the feelings were quite similar, which helps me understand him better and see the reason behind his actions since I reacted in much the same way he did.

I'm not saying what he did was right or that Sam deserved it or whatever, because that's not the case at all. I simply want to analyze Dean's behavior by comparing it to my personal experience.

First, there's the element of surprise. Sam probably didn't mention his intention to go to Stanford before the night that ended with him leaving for college. When I found out my friend was leaving, she had only one day left to pack her things. The shock of such upsetting news being so sudden can cause a long-term resentment. It doesn't give you enough time to process what’s happening. You don't even have time to discuss or understand it, because next thing you know, the person is already gone, and you can't do anything about it.

This leads to a feeling of helplessness. Someone you are very close to leaving you impacts your life. Even if the other person makes the decision to change their life for the better, their actions will also bring changes to your own life (mostly in a negative way). You don't want the person to leave because you know it's going to be bad for you, but it's not your decision; the other person chooses to leave anyway, and you have no say in the matter. You are forced to endure the consequences of their choices, to feel bad because they didn't consider what their actions would do to you. This sense of injustice and helplessness causes anger. Dean must have been angry at Sam for doing what seemed best for himself because he didn't consider how it would affect Dean. It seems like they don’t care about you, because leaving you behind, hurt and scared doesn’t matter as long as they’ll get to live their sweet little apple pie life.

After the person leaves, you feel betrayed and alone. Those who promised to be there for you are not, sometimes it seems they have no memory it ever happened and other time they only make you feel worse (I can see John acting as if Sam never existed or to talk shit about him when Dean didn’t wanted to think about Sam).

Even if you know it's not fair to blame them because they did what was right for themselves, you can't help but be angry at them because what is good for them hurts you. By listening to their own needs, they deprived you of your happiness. It's as if they had to choose between you and themselves and chose themselves. Even if you know it was the right thing to do, you can't help but find them selfish, because you can’t control how it makes you feel.

Even if your mind understands and accepts their actions, your heart doesn’t, and unfortunately, it's often emotions that drive actions. I know that sometimes I was unfair to her, wanting her to feel guilty for how she hurt me and to regret her choice. That was probably also why Dean reproached Sam so much for leaving; he wanted Sam to feel guilty for hurting him. Dean is not stupid; he knew Sam's choice was the right one and even told him he was proud of him for making it. However, he can't forget all the pain it caused him. Even after years and forgiveness, this kind of pain leaves deep scars.

I think Dean understood Sam's choice; he agreed with wanting to have a normal life. However, the pain caused by Sam leaving him behind, the fear, and the helplessness predominantly influenced his behavior.

[snorange]

far too long of a response to @highly-invested 's excellent post and some frankly sickening takes from @breadguyyy . Seeing Moash defenders is always strange as it is not enough for Moash to be a someone who survived horrible circumstances and regained a place in society, but ultimately failed at forgiving the world that created his suffering. Instead they invent lies about him with the only apparent reason being that being a contrarian is more interesting than actually discussing the books. Moash is constantly making choices he knows are wrong because he wants the emotional reward without the emotional consequence of guilt. Moash wants to kill Elthokar because of the perceived justice in doing so despite the fact that Roshone is more directly responsible. Seeing Moash defenders is always strange. Moash is constantly making choices he knows are wrong because he wants the emotional reward without the emotional consequence of guilt. Moash wants to kill Elthokar because of the perceived justice in doing so despite the fact that Roshone is more directly responsible.

If Moash truly believed Elthokar deserved to die for his part in Moash's grandparents death he would have slit his throat one of the many times he was guarding Elthokar, but he doesn't. He is convinced of the "righteousness" of the cause when he joins the diagram. Only once there is a large organization on which for Moash to place the guilt upon does he try to kill Elthokar.

The only noble thing that Moash has done is protect the enslaved singers in the caravan to Kholinar. It is no coincidence that this happens during the time between him being separated from the diagram and before gaining Odium's attention. This is the only time Moash's pain is his own. Thus the most important part of every Moash discussion comparing him to Dalinar. Both have done terrible things, both have taken help from gods to go on living having done these things. However Dalinar is on the path of redemption and Moash isn't. This post and the ones screenshot are in response to a wob with the most important line being, "if Dalinar got redeemed, Moash has gotta go further than Dalinar. At the same time, he is certainly not looking for that." This is the most interesting discussion about Moash and Dalinar, as they are separated because of intent. Dalinar killed Evi without intending to and Moash intended to kill Kalidan, but failed doing so. Both Moash and Dalinar are knowingly and intentionally violating their moral code due to emotion but have the consequences increased by circumstance. Moash is made aware of this increased stake and with his actions state that no price to high to pay. Dalinar is not made aware and both the reader and Dalinar are left with hope a small fleeting hope that if Dalinar knew Evi was capture he would have stopped the slaughter.

Another really interesting point of comparison is the boon that they each received. Dalinar sets out for the Nightwatcher planning on asking for the boon of peace, but ultimately asks for forgiveness once there. Peace has very deep positive connotations in our culture being treated as synonymous with other positive traits such as empathy, compassion, kindness. However peace is the boon given to Moash as well as what is offered to Dalinar by Odium. This peace is what make Moash so hard to redeem. Peace is antithetical to change and growth the most important requirements for redemption.

What really gets me about @breadguyyy's comments is that he decries this series as "liberal Mormon moralizing". The most liberal thing in series is Dalinar learning to fucking read. And I know liberal does meaning any on the Internet its just a buzzword to say you hate the status quo. But even then this book series is so firmly anti-status quo. We got breaking gender norms, dismantling the feudal system, appropriations for slavery in the past, learning how to truly understand and connect with people of other races. All of which is set off by the end of the world.

[sasukeless]

2 If you’re still doing the controversial ask game

hi

2) was sasuke right?

ahh this billion dollar question isn’t it. i feel like this is the top 1 most discussed thing on this app for years, i have read every side of it.

to give #my opinion, im gonna go with yes. but its far more complicated, like most things are with naruto lol. i believe sasuke is right because he sees there’s a flaw in the existing system around him and to finally do something about it the only way to do that it’s to get ride of the system from the root.

now, as much as i agree with sasuke there i don’t agree with the way he tries to do that revolution. i dont mean this in a “oh violence wont be fixed with more violence” bs. i mean this because where sasuke’s goals are born for and how they affect his plans.

when sasuke finishes listening to the kages and it’s coming up with his thoughts, he immediately is bombarded by memories of itachi (itachi only, not his clan) and itachi’s words to him. when he states he will not let the village be destroyed he does it by adding “itachi’s will”. when sasuke is dying in the war arc his only thoughts again are that he doesn’t want to waste what itachi wanted to die. this shows us very clearly that sasuke’s revolution is very influenced by itachi’ wants. a little different, sure but still the same. which makes sense why his goal at vote2 is destroy the last person he loves and bear the hatred of everyone so the villages can have peace between them as long as they focus all on him. and this is quite what itachi did, just on a bigger scale. naruto = uchiha clan. the villages = konoha. sasuke = itachi.

^this is where many people complain that kishimoto had to turn sasuke ooc to make him evil and i can see what they mean but personally i dont view it as such when i look at what sasuke’s arc has always been. i have seen also that they dislike that post reveal sasuke’s character seems to be focus on itachi more than in his clan like in part 1 which i also disagree. itachi has been sasuke’s main influence in his character since day one. even in part 1, sasuke’s hate towards itachi isn’t just because he killed his clan, kishimoto focuses alot in showing itachi and sasuke having a loving relationship. kishimoto is very specific that sasuke’s biggest grief at the end of the day is not the massacre alone but the fact it was itachi who committed it. this is essentially what sets sasuke aside of other characters that lost their family/clans/parents etc. its not only what he lost but by who’s hands he lost it. so his focus has always been in itachi. so i dont think it was only part 2 that sasuke became more driven by itachi than anything else… anyways going back to the topic because im going off the rails (sorry).

sasuke has always had itachi first imo. and sasuke has always been defined by love too so ofc he’s gonna forgive the person he loves even if he doesn’t deserve it, ofc he’s gonna try to achieve that peace his brother “sacrificed” his life for (even if thru different means that he wanted you to). but while i understand and love sasuke’s character, i still think these are all very personal reasons for his revolution plans and thus why it fails.

his revolution plans are also self destructive but he doesn’t care because he still views it as his ultimate duty (again why he was so distraught when he was about to die without doing anything). he wants to become the bearer of all evil, and pain and hatred and wants to be all alone, even tho that is something that has caused alot of his pain in the past, he even talks about possible immortality and its just, well sad. you can tell hes about to sell his own doom because he thinks thats what he has to do to fix everything. he is ready to become a martyr. and forgive me but i view as that as a very tragic

so while i will always view him as being in the right, because when you put him in comparasion to most characters that doesnt realize whats wrong w the shinobi world, he will always come as one of the few that actually isn’t blind (even if its framed as bad for pointing that the system needs to be destroyed), i still dont think his plans are the right ones

[diamondperfumes]

@saltywinteradult I don't know why you blocked me before screenshotting my post and reposting it to, I suppose, "refute" my post amongst your followers, but I welcome open discussion at any time! I don't like this back and forth of screenshotting. You definitely don't need to censor my username either, as I stand by what I said and don't see any problem with it. If your followers have issues with what I said too, they can easily reply to the post I wrote, or send me an ask (I'm pretty sure my inbox is open; please let me know if not).

That said, I think this post is a good encapsulation of the reasoning fans have for hating Daenerys, but also an encapsulation of why I love her:

Murder is horrific. That applies as much to Dany burning Mirri alive in a magical ritual as it does to Mirri murdering Dany's baby in her womb. And you are absolutely entitled to finding Dany a horrifying character for murdering an enslaved woman. What I love about Dany, though, is that she is not a hypocrite or an aestheticized martyr. She refuses to let bad things happen to her loved ones without reprisal. She will not accept the death of her child blithely. Just as any other parent or family member who seeks vengeance for their loved ones, be it Robb Stark, Lady Stoneheart, the Sand Snakes, Doran Martell, and more, Dany will not forgive the woman who murdered her son. Her son is her bottom line, just as he was when Viserys threatened his life, making Dany finally accept that he was no longer her brother. And I would much rather that Dany do the "horrible thing," an act of vengeance and blood magic, than forgive Mirri. Forgiving Mirri would not have been a realistic or human response. Above all, GRRM writes well fleshed out, human characters. I relate to the Dany who loves her children so much that she'll forgive pain to herself (for example, she bears no ill will toward Mirri for causing her the exruciating physical pain of a miscarriage) but not to her children, people, or loved ones. I relate to the Dany who is angry at those who harm her loved ones, and is ruthless and furious rather than passive and docile in the face of that pain and suffering. I relate to the Dany who, as a teenage bridal slave pit against another slave, made an arguably selfish decision. I want my female characters to make at times selfish, at times horrific choices, in the name of love, family, motherhood. GRRM created a beautifully multidimensional female character in breaking from the "passive recipient of violence" mold for so many fantasy women––violence is done unto Dany, but she will not be the submissive, obedient, demure martyr who dies or suffers to make others comfortable. Her baby had meaning to her. Her baby was her home. And she avenged that loss, as I'd expect any realistic, human mother to.

In a feudalist setting, any character who did what Mirri did would've been executed. Mirri expected to be executed to, and in fact goaded Dany with that intent. I would love if you, or anyone else, would name someone who'd forgive Mirri and let her go in this situation! I genuinely am curious to see if you can come up with anyone. If Mirri was going to be executed anyway, I much prefer Dany's mentality––"She told herself that there were powers stronger than hatred, and spells older and truer than any the maegi had learned in Asshai. The night was black and moonless, but overhead a million stars burned bright. She took that for an omen."––than just pure hatred. Dany creates life out of death. As Mirri teaches her, "if life was meaningless, what was death?" "only death may pay for life." She could have beheaded Mirri in one go, and such violence may have satiated her anger, but what would be left? The cycle of life and death is ever present in Dany's arc, and I find it fascinating. Most of the characters who behead or murder people, even innocents, like Ned Stark with Gared (the starting action of AGOT), have no interest in creating life from death. They emphasize the finality of death; Dany transcends it.

If it was just enough for Dany to burn Mirri, then I myself wouldn't praise the act as much. All the loss Dany experienced, the upheaval and pain and suffering, went into the birth of the dragons. She had to follow the clues left behind in her blood and dreams to understand that the ultimate key to the ritual was her own sacrifice. Dany did not just stand by and watch as Mirri burned. She walked into that funeral pyre herself, with, yes, bravery in her heart (I noticed that some people were mocking that phrase of mine in the tags of my post, but does it not take bravery to walk into fire?). If she didn't sacrifice her own life and self, the dragons would not have hatched. Thus you may argue that Dany is a hypocrite for burning Mirri, but Dany involved her own being in the ritual too. She paid the price for the ritual and suffered its consequences in the loss of Rhaego and the splintering of the Khalasar.

Mirri is not innocent in the act of murdering Rhaego. One of the clever aspects of GRRM's writing is that characters like Mirri and Penny serve to problematize the overall heroism of characters like Dany and Tyrion. Dany and Tyrion are still heroes (though of course, for most of the fandom, they are villains, and I'm sure for you they are both villains as well). Very rarely do authors give characters like Mirri agency. And it's not as if George has given all of those positioned characters that agency. Jeyne Poole, Gilly, Lollys and Falyse Stokeworth, Pia, they don't get these kinds of emotionally charged, high tension moments with their respective POV characters. They get emotional moments, yes, but the space to call out the POV characters? Mirri and Penny get that. Mirri has the textual agency to express her motivations, act on her motivations, and explain them to Dany. She is an intelligent woman. Trying to take away her culpability in Rhaego's murder is not a progressive or feminist reading, in my view; it strips her of her agency and her motivations. Now, if you want to argue that she had every right to murder Rhaego, that is a separate conclusion! But as to whether or not she did murder Rhaego, it's undeniable. And even if you don't believe me, or Dany, both the official ASOIAF app and the ASOIAF appendices list her as the murderer.

I would love if someone sent this to @saltywinteradult! I enjoy healthy debate (I put that post in the ASOIAF tag for a reason). What I don't like is back-and-forth screenshotting. If you don't want to have a conversation with me that's no problem, but I find it odd to screenshot someone you have blocked and discuss her post. Why don't we have a free discussion? That's why I made a tumblr account, to discuss ASOIAF. Please let me know your thoughts!

[purgemarchlockdown]

Shidou, Mahiru, Amane and Parenthood

(Also Known As: Shidou and Mahiru are paralleled with Amane's parents and I need to talk about it)

(CW: Child Abuse, Cults)

So the newest interrogation question came out and the question is this:

If you had to make one of the prisoners part of your family, who would you choose?

Amane's answer to it was this:

A: Mahiru Shina. Her innate goodness might have brought the two of us closer, maybe

This is an interesting response for a lot of reasons, especially since the last time we saw Amane and Mahiru interacting they didn't exactly have a pleasant conversation.

23/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Amane: Happy birthday. Mahiru-san. How is your body feeling? Mahiru: ……ah, Amane-chan. Thank you. Yeah, I’m fine. Now I can move around if I use a wheelchair…… It’s all thanks to Shidou-san looking after me…… Amane: I’ll give you one warning. The two of you are dabbling in something tabooed. If you continue to go against the way of nature like this, you’ll just bring an early death upon yourself. Think hard about this. Mahiru: Amane-chan……? Are you really Amane-chan……?

If Amane believes that Mahiru is dabbling in something taboo then why does she think Mahiru should be apart of her family? Well let's take a look at how Mahiru and Amane parallel for a bit. At first it doesn't seem like they have much in common but there's actually a substantial amount of connections between them.

The one most important to this discussion is the usage of water and their views on love.

Now water for Amane is punishment, both symbolically and literally. She was waterboarded. However this torture was used to confirm something, her parents "love" for her.

But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love I can actually think of it as a good thing, see isn’t it a great thing?

The thing about Amane Momose is that she's sinful and impure. At least in the eyes of her cult. She's constantly messing up, constantly failing, constantly wanting to run from the trials presented to her.

Dear wise one, Is this ok? Is it ok to be weak sometimes?

In the eyes of her cult Amane Momose needs to be punished so she can become "better." A better girl, a better person, a better follower of god. Under this logic the punishments are her parents way of delivering...salvation, to cleanse Amane Momose's impure soul of it's faults and eventually turn her into a "good girl."

Pain is Love, for all intents and purpose, it means that her parents still care enough about her to try to purify her. Even though she herself knows that it's a lost cause.

Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl

This is something she shares with Mahiru.

We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad

Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let's just overheat together

Mahiru believes that if you are in love you share everything, happiness, sorrow, joy, pain. Being together even if you are suffering and unhappy is proof of your "bond."

Giving you love to the point of pulling you down It's just because I still get worried, please forgive me Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual, Is because I love you

Using this lens we can read the water through a different lens we can see it as...love. Water is love, it is needed for people to live, it is rejuvenating and good.

Now multiple characters have this motif and I won't talk about it in too much detail but both Amane and Mahiru's boyfriend are covered in water, love. Metaphorically or otherwise. Except both of them are submerged in it, drowned even. The version of love Amane was given and the version of love Mahiru gave out was distorted and destructive. With Mahiru's love ultimately leading, in some way or another, to her boyfriend's death.

This makes two lines in their MVs super interesting.

My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!

You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already

This is very similar phrasing but the context is completely different.

When Mahiru says this line she's talking about her love for her boyfriend. Her overly indulgent, suffocating, love. It doesn't matter if it's inconvenient to Him because this is how she shows Her love.

No matter how unaware she was of how unhealthy her relationship was (and I don't think she was malicious at all in her intentions), she was still Actively suffocating him by not taking his feelings into consideration.

Amane however is Reacting to her mother's abuse. Her mother's painful and horrible "love." "Love" that really could have killed her, people aren't supposed to survive waterboarding and electrocution without any medicine, or just in general.

When she goes to her mother and kills her she's doing this because she Hates Her. She doesn't care if she apologies because she never took Her Feelings into account when she punished her.

Not only that but we have this Timeline conversation.

20/07/06

Amane: You want to know about my family……? My father is a truly wonderful person. He’s honest, values fairness and justice above all else, and will work himself to the bone for other people’s sake……. Why do you want to know? Mahiru: Oh, I was just wondering what sort of parents you must have for them to have raised such a good child like you. Fufu, I’ll keep it in mind for the future when I raise my own family. Amane: I see. If it will be of use to you, I’ll tell you more. It’s still a long way off for me, but for someone your age the prospect of finding a partner and having a family must be feeling a lot more real. Now that I think about it, I recall my mother was around your age when she gave birth to me……

Amane's Mother was Mahiru's age when she gave birth to her? Mahiru thinks Amane is a good child and wants to use her parents as examples for how to raise someone like her?

To me, it seems like Mahiru is being paralleled with Amane's parents. Most likely her mother but you could probably argue the father too due to how Amane is (seemingly) on much better terms with him.

Now I've outlined most of the Mahiru-Parent parallels but we also have Shidou.

So, Amane hates Shidou, that's a well-documented opinion. Shidou violates cult rules and doctrine. He "steals" people's trials away. He's evil and horrible and needs to be destroyed.

Amane: Oh – speaking of which, there is one among the prisoners right now. An evil existence that’s trying to steal people’s trials away from them. Es: …! Amane: Shidou Kirisaki… His actions violate our rules. I have given him a warning. If he continues, I suppose it will be inevitable for me to intervene.

However this isn't the only reason why Amane dislikes Shidou, in fact she's disliked him since the start. For reasons completely unrelated to this.

Shidou makes Amane feel small.

Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san. I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself?

His actions are, for lack of a better term, triggering. It reminds Amane of her parents. The lack of control she had over the situation, and how her words meant nothing to them.

She cares about her free will because for most of her life her free will and choices weren't respected. So Shidou disregarding her feelings makes her feel disrespected and uncomfortable.

Is this done out of malice? No but it seems like Shidou is doing this more for his sake than Amane's.

22/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Kazui: What’s up, Shidou-kun? You’re looking pretty down. I guess you must be tired, I’ve been relying on you a lot lately. Shidou: Yeah, I just remembered…… today is Amane’s birthday. I’m just getting a bit sentimental. Kazui: Hmm, it’s unfortunate, but at the moment we can’t worry about that. ……you understand, right? There’s something that you need to do right now. And if you tried talking to her your words definitely won’t reach her. Don’t look at me like that. We’ll just wait until the situation changes. Let’s do our best. Shidou: Yeah. I’ll do what I can. I can’t have a child making a face like that. Even though we’re “murderers”…… we’re also the adults here.

Shidou is Guilt Man. He's absolutely consumed with it, even now that he doesn't want to die his guilt haunts him. In a way, taking care of Amane is a way to "redeem" himself for whatever he did.

He's also presumably coping with the loss of his own children and is projecting that Onto Amane and also Es. You can see this very clearly in his T1 VD.

Shidou: I’m a fine specimen of what a murderer ought to be. I don’t mind when you hand down your judgement, but if it’s possible… Instead of being told by the law that I won’t be forgiven, I wanted a child like you, Es, to tell me that.

Shidou is condescending and makes both Es and Amane feel uncomfortable and disrespected, even if he doesn't want to. His actions harm them because Shidou cares less about them and more about the Idea of them being children.

(My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!)

The clearest example of how the way he interacts with Amane is this scene in this Timeline.

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand? Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

Now as I've said. Amane likes having her opinions and choices respected, this comes from how they Weren't when she was living with her parents. Most of her positive interactions with people, especially in T2, come from people asking her about her opinions and how she feels about things. Shidou dismissing her emotions and calling them a temper tantrum was one of the worst things he could of possibly said to her. Outright confirming To Amane that Shidou doesn't care about how she feels.

Again that isn't exactly true, Shidou does care, but it doesn't change the affect it has on her does it?

Shidou makes Amane feels small and disrespected and Hurt. Like how her parents made her feel. Amane's just been given a righteous reason to hurt him now, like what she had for her mother.

(This is another reason why I can't exactly say Mahiru is paralleled with her mother and Shidou her father...it's possible we have a bit of a roleswap here.)

In short: 050608 family parallels haunt me forever and ever.

[alicerosejensen]

What would it be like if you and Leon (maybe re4remake) got into a serious fight, or argument? Like a kind of fight that there are silent treatment, tension, and heartbreak but they also live in the same house.

I don't have much time to write headcanons or a full text, so I'll write it like this:

It is important to understand what caused the whole conflict. I'm just sure that Leon!re4 is the most non-confrontational guy. He will never raise his hand to his beloved, even if his aggression goes off scale, but what needs to be done to bring him to this?

I think one of the factors could be jealousy. On the part of the reader, most likely, because I am a rather jealous person. And the reason would most likely be Ada Wong. Here I don’t even need to start an unnecessary discussion, because Leon is somehow connected with Ada. It is unlikely that he is cheating on the reader, but he will not be able to do anything with his feelings.

Yes, Leon will try to explain that he does not love Ada, but if it was really me, then I would never believe him again in tears and snot. Leon may try to gently reassure the reader, hug him, and speak in a calm tone even if he is shouted at in response. Of course, he would convince that his beloved is the only one he truly loves, but there was already a misfire ... So if they live in the same house / apartment, it is important to understand who will leave. If I lived with Leon, then after 1-2 days, despite all the mental pain, I would have packed my things and left. Others can decide for themselves if they could trust Leon and let go of the situation.

However, I do not argue that in the version with the departure of Leon's partner from him, Leon himself will try to return the reader. Calls, messages, visits to your (or mine) work. If you ask me if I can forgive, then my answer is NO.

However, if this is some kind of domestic quarrel or your opinions regarding something loudly and strongly diverged and the reader was offended by Leon, then regardless of who is right, Leon will come to apologize first. He would value you (or me heh) too much to let a stupid fight ruin everything. You just have to wait until everything cools down and find some compromise.

[tavyliasin]

The Abdirak Essay - Fandom, Pain, and Loviatar's Love

Another day, another Lia Essay - and if you're really really deliciously sinful my very dear darlings, I shall give you yet more when the sun rises again upon the morrow. So, today in Niche Fandom Adoration Hours, I give you:

For The Love of Loviatar: Why Discomfort Can Be Delightful, How Agony Alleviates Anguish, and All The Ways Abdirak Fans Are Also TavyliaSin's Very Favourite People (Who Also Probably Need A Hug) ((Do We Love The Long Titles?)) (((If No, Consider This Essay Title Part Of Your Penitance)))

The themes of this essay will discuss: BDSM, Kink, Chronic Pain, wounds/injury, Acute Pain, Mental Health, mentions of harmful behaviours, a discussion of psychological elements from someone with absolutely no formal training or experience, vague mentions of trauma, and the magic of friendship. So please make sure you are in a comfortable place within yourself if you feel any of the above might be difficult to read for any reason. It is ok to skip sections as each has a topic header, or you can leave at any time. Nobody is judging you for that at all. Additionally, NSFW discussion further through, so minors DNI as usual. Very little of my blog will ever be suitable for under 18s, for your safety and for mine. Editing in to add a link to the Abdirak fandom gift to chronic pain pals A Cameo from Declan (Abdirak's Performer) (Fully SFW)

All that said, the main theme of this piece is actually:

To truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause.

So, let's understand what "Suffering" is first, shall we, Dear Ones?

The Difference between Pain and Suffering

Lia hasn't completely lost the plot darlings, the two words may seem almost interchangeable but they are not. At the very least, this is the interpretation I have and the discussion that follows will stick with it too~ Pain is the sensation itself, whether physical or mental, it is the hurt, the bruise pressed upon, the moment a heart breaks. That is pain. Suffering on the other hand, is the effect that the pain has. It is the anguish, the torment, the overwhelm and the exhaustion. So, whilst two people might have the same pain, let's say a stubbed toe for a simple example, their suffering might be very different. One might feel able to walk it off, maybe swear a little and move on. Another might need to sit immediately, feel tears in their eyes, or even become utterly overcome by misery from the intense sensation. This might sound like a difference in tolerance, but it can also be seen as taking the bigger picture into account. One brick might not feel so heavy to someone with empty hands, but added to a pile of bricks already carried it may feel as if it weighs a dozen times as much.

What about Abdirak? How does he relate to Pain and Suffering?

When I first heard Abdirak speak, I knew he understood this concept to its very core. His goddess wants pain, but in himself he does not seem to want actual suffering. He does draw a different line, with pain being physical and suffering being the mental aspect, however the principles are very close to my own. Some people might see Abdirak and judge him as cruel, as a torturer delighting in anguish, but that could not be further from the truth. When he speaks of delivering pain with a loving hand, that really is meant. When he was speaking to the player character, for a moment I felt so intensely seen when he speaks of seeing a greater suffering.

"Forgive me, but that look in your eyes - something terrible has happened to you. ...I see those same eyes when I look in the mirror, dear one."

This, to me, was such a moment. He recognises trauma easily, and we also have this chance here to either interpret this as "oh, right, the tadpole stuff, the things in the game" or we can allow our own feelings about a player character's backstory as the interpretation of what he has seen. Either way, he immediately offers to alleviate that suffering with pain, something he is familiar with, something he knows to help from personal experience. There's the important point. His motivation is not to cause hurt, but to relieve it.

How does pain make anything better?

Deep breaths loves we're getting to the heart of a few things here and it may get heavy. At the most basic broken down level, right at the bottom of everything, it's about distraction. Pain is instant, sharp, a sensation that draws our nerves tight and fires off that electricity directly into our brains. It takes our attention and focus away from whatever else is on our minds. Usually? This would be detrimental, to be unable to concentrate on something because pain is intruding. However, think back here, "delivered with a loving and measured hand." This is precise pain, sensation that is welcomed and applied with expert care in order to reach that point right between where pain is suffering and where it cuts out the thoughts. BDSM darlings will know this as similar to "subspace" which I will discuss later~ Whilst there is some short term benefit to using strong sensation to distract the mind and alleviate intense distress, if taken into real life scenarios there are a lot of things to consider, and it is far better to speak with a therapist. Though the most commonly suggested low-harm methods can be things like gripping an ice cube for a minute or two, or even something like exercise that can push the mind to focus on the body instead of the source of the distress. The element of penance is also there. Abdirak brings to the fore those thoughts of struggle and guilt, so those are the thoughts that are stripped back by the physical pain. It's intentional, careful, and taps at the other core of using pain to alleviate suffering.

Why we love Abdirak, and the importance of recognising the weight of unwarranted guilt.

Remember my little villain essay? Back then I spoke of how a love for villains can also come from the way we are prone to judge ourselves unfairly, to heap undeserved guilt at our own feet, and to believe every slight mistake to be a heinous sin. Sorry, darlings, the only heinous "sin" you are allowed to believe in is me. Name puns aside... Part of the draw is indeed right there, believing ourselves deserving of punishment it's appealing to want to submit to that and find absolution from everything we judge ourselves for. And yet, it isn't a horrific thing, it's coloured by love and affection. The Love of Loviatar from Abdirak does not ignore that first part. But I do encourage you, if you are feeling particularly called out right now, to stop seeking punishment for things that are objectively not your fault, and instead treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness. By all means continue to indulge in our beloved priest of Pain and the joy he brings, but do so without any negative self-assessment, alright? Good, I'm glad we agre- THAT MEANS ALL OF YOU. No exceptions.

And what of the Fandom?

Ahh Abdirak fandom. Small, loving, welcoming, and utterly devoted~ Similarly to villain fandom (Abdirak is obviously not a villain, but is arguably villain-coded), his fandom also draws a lot of kindness and understanding. Despite how we might see ourselves, we are remarkably free from judgement in how we treat each other. There's endless encouragement, genuine warmth, and alongside spicy takes that might make lava look like a suitable spot for ice fishing there's a profound amount of respect and consent. By which I mean, there's no shame. There's no allowance for "I hate that character you like", or "that kink is bad because I don't like it". Tags and CWs are applied to posts and works with care and nobody is treated poorly for enjoying what (or who) they enjoy in the fictional space. To go back to the quote at the start of this essay, "to truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause." I feel the vast majority of us have that depth of insight and recognition for suffering and have the empathy required to wish to avoid it. And that is why I would perhaps feel safest in the company of Abdirak fans (and likewise Raphael fans), there's another level of connection in those tadpoles~ Which leads me neatly forwards to...

Endurance: Abdirak and Chronic Pain Sufferers

Here, loves, we're going to get a bit more personal. Those of us with chronic pain conditions may find an even deeper connection. So I'll go over a little for those who are fortunate enough to not have personal experience here: Chronic Pain - This applies to pain which is constant or frequently recurring, that lasts (and/or is expected to last) for more than 3 months. It's not like a broken bone that heals and has an end, it's not like a few headaches that come and go with little consequence, it is either always present or always on the edge of flaring up at any time. It's different to acute pain, because most conditions have no cure, many barely have any treatment so all one can do is try to endure the worst of it. The other side-symptoms can be reduction in physical ability, exhaustion, mental health difficulties (because for some odd reason constant pain is not a path to happiness), low self esteem, and of course carrying the guilt of feeling like a burden if you need help from others (you are not a burden, and anyone who says so can receive the blessing of forever feeling like there is a stone in their shoe that they cannot find). As an aside, this can apply to chronic mental health struggles too - it is still pain, only a different kind. Though I will be looking primarily at physical pain here, as that's where Abdirak's focus is. Now, where are we going with this? The difference here is in how pain is treated. Abdirak speaks of pain as a wonderful thing, as something that is sought after, that is a way of worshipping Loviatar. This is something that might feel strange to someone who is plagued by pain, but there's another quote I'd like us to remember.

"Pain without purpose is a terrible thing, wouldn't you agree?"

Chronic pain has no purpose. It's there whether by illness or injury, or some other unseen cause. It was not a choice, it doesn't bring any relief, and often it drags us right down with it.

"Please let me alleviate this pain."

And there's another line, one we wish we could hear, one we wish so very deeply in the core of our being that we could believe. That there could be someone who could bring an end to the pain even if only for a brief time, a fleeting hope of relief.

How fanworks can be a means of coping with chronic pain.

So here's the next point... What in all the hells do I mean, how can fanworks help a single thing? Well, have some personal moments. I had a deeply unpleasant flare up the other night, so I put out a brief ask to writing groups for some comforting fiction shorts. In the past, I've written a few myself - like these: Abdirak - Migraine Comfort Yurgir - Migraine Comfort Tav - General Comfort, with Audio Multi-Character Comfort Drabbles (Including Abdirak) Full AO3 fic of Abdirak x Chronic Pain Reader (Spicy, NSFW)

These are the two I received from some writers very dear to my heart who have more talent and skill than I could ever hope to aspire to in their works. Elfvamp (who does not have tumblr) (image description is attached to the image)

and this one from @morb-untamed

Darlings, when I tell you there were tears in my eyes at these, I mean it. THIS is just an example of the understanding and compassion possible in the community, the care and consideration, and the emotion that words can carry through them that make things genuinely feel more bearable in the moment of distress. Both captured something that it took me too long to realise. Perhaps what follows might sound entirely unreasonable or unhinged, but for someone like myself who has not known a single second of what "0%" feels like in over 10 years, it's beginning to seem far more sane by the moment. What if, within the confines of my mind, I try to rewrite the understanding of pain as something different. Just tell myself each new pain is an offering to some vile deity who has decided my mortal vessel is worthy of enduring, rather than one that is being punished with suffering. Breathe through it and listen to those character voices, find my own purpose to the pain. Let it become inspiration, note it down, get that visceral and intimate knowledge to the page instead. Naturally, this probably isn't a healthy coping mechanism, nor one that is infallible, but there have been moments recently where thinking that has made the moderate levels less distressing, easier to tolerate for a time. Perhaps it could do the same for you, but perhaps not, either way - it is there. Please do read through the comfort pieces too, and if you would like to see more - even ones with more specific aims and pains, please do just ask and I will make them happen. Either through my ask box, or in comments/reblogs, or any other way you wish to contact me honestly.

Alright, Tavylia, we've covered personal pain, but you promised NSFW discussion!

Oh my very dear darlings I had not forgotten this part~ You may here people talk about "good pain" and "bad pain", and wonder how/why pain can ever be good. It's not just about a physical hurt sensation or using that as a distraction. Pain can cause a rush of adrenaline, and even endorphins - similar to how people enjoy extreme sports, horror films, or theme parks, it's a pleasant feeling from something that would usually be scary, because it's safe and controlled. Falling from a high place? That's terrifying, dangerous. Parachuting safely from that same high place? It's controlled, there's no real danger, but the feeling of danger brings that adrenaline rush. There's the key. In real life BDSM there is control in the safe signal, in knowing it can and will stop when needed, that although there is someone causing pain they will stop at a moment's notice. (Anyone who does not respect a safe word/signal is not someone you should be in that situation with, if you are engaging in or want to try BDSM with real partners please PLEASE do your research on safety, that's too long a lecture to add here) In the context of fiction, we can go a lot further. Could a real person easily withstand Abdirak hitting them with an axe in their back? Obviously not, that's far too much. But this is a world with magical healing, and our fantasy and fiction is quite safe to extend where we find is interesting. So when reading - and especially writing - with pain and pain play, I encourage you to remember these links to adrenaline, endorphins, and that it isn't about harm, it's far deeper, and finding an understanding of that (even if you never wish to experience it) might be of some benefit to understanding those around you who have this intimate relationship with pain.

A title for the End

I think I've covered a lot here, but I do just want to round us off now. If you have any questions about this topic (or any of my other essay posts), please do feel free to ask - that's why my box is there, for all kinds of discussions to open up. Not just for smut and creative writing, but for all the ways we connect with fiction and characters. There is so much more than a single story being told, each of us experiences it through the lens of our own experience, we all find our connections in different ways, and I will have more character essays on this later. There's so much more to see, to learn, from all the interpretations throughout the fandom. I'm very grateful to be here to witness it, and for you being here to share in these thoughts and explore them more with me. Pain can teach us many things, about ourselves and others. Empathy, kindness, compassion - when we know how much we need them ourselves, we begin to see how much others may need it too. Much like how Abdirak sees the pain behind the player character's eyes, and feels that strong desire to help in the ways he knows how.

A Final Note for the Pain Pals

To my Chronic Pain Pals, darlings you do not always have to be strong. It's alright. It will not break you entirely to let go of that incessant need to try and quietly endure. Find those places it is safe to let it out, look for those tricks you can use on your brain to make Loviatar's Favour just a little more bearable. You are worthy of kindness, support, and compassion. The same you are likely giving of yourself to everyone else. You are not a burden, these are pains you do not choose, and you deserve something more gentle without any guilt attached to it. You are also not alone, find community, find those who understand.

Pain without purpose...but have we given it one now?

So I hope this time the pain has had a purpose in teaching, in helping us connect in new ways, to find compassion and understanding. Until next time, Dear Ones, look after yourselves.

Oh hey look I know who made that gif that came up in the search~ What an absolutely wonderful coincidence ;) (And a final final footnote, hello Abdirak fan community, you are perfect and I wish you nothing but the best in all things)

[dykedragonrider]

So I finished Library of Ruina. And I think that's just one of the best games ever. I don't know if I like it more than Lobotomy, but they're good for very different reasons. Either way though, it's incredibly salient commentary on cyclical violence, late stage capitalism, and the impact that humans have on each other.

I think the most logical place to start with is Angela, given that the Library is her EGO. However, it's impossible to talk about Angela's arc and development without discussing Roland's, given how deeply the two are tied and mirror each other. Even their music mirrors the other! To establish more similarity, both have had their lives ripped away from them by someone they perceived as uncaring. Angela was forced to suffer, so she externalized that grief at all the people she could target it at, hoping for compensation in some form. Roland had his future ripped away from him at every turn by a world that didn't care about him, and the death of Angelica caused him to externalize all his grief at the people he thinks could be responsible. Neither of them, however, were able to direct those outbursts at their original target, instead hurting the other people in their lives. Both of them are shaped by pain, Angela takes hers out on the world, Roland conceals his to take it out on Angela when the time is right, when her world is at its brightest. They both have to learn, in different ways, though, that their externalization of it will only cause the same thing to happen again and again. Getting hurt doesn't have any purpose; it just makes you hurt. There's no compensation you will receive for your pain, there's no vengeance that will fill the hole in your heart. Unfortunately, you'll live. What changes them, however, is realizing that you work past that pain, and hole in your heart, by letting others in, those who are good and trustworthy. Friends of the soul. To be human is to be loved, and understood. One of the facets of this game I find beautiful is that it's not a linear path to this for either of them, and if they haven't developed enough as people they cannot forgive and trust the other. Both must be in a place where they can heal, or at the very least, stop themselves from doing anything to hurt another in that moment. Recovery isn't simple, it's hard to be a better person especially when everything you've known is about conducting the pain you've experienced, because the world thrives off doing that. But the cycle's been broken before. The fact it's been broken is proof enough that you can do it again, no matter how hard it is. Roland and Angela are doomed, though. The world cannot abide them, but for different reasons. Angela's, however, is much more central, and Roland gets shunted either way with her, as they're now effectively two halves of the same whole, unified in their understanding of one another and sharing each other's dreams. And it's platonic! I think it could have been fine romantic, but I think given both of their pasts it's much stronger platonically. They are literally removed from the world that hurt them, as it casts them out, but in being removed from it, they're also able to dream outside of it. Angela seeks to create a more just world, following in the footsteps of Ayin. Being able to look past something and see the corrupt roots it took nourishment from, and wanting to excise that, rather than the person that is a symptom of it. Roland wants to write his book about the city, sharing his knowledge of someone who has lived in such a place, and in my eyes, passing the baton to the future with this knowledge; that the little things humans have done to care for one another and the connections we make. Redemption is a complex thing, based on actions, rather than intentions, but they've taken the first steps. And that's a really good note for the game to end on, because well, the seed of light is planted in the both of them now.

On the note of redemption, I want to take a moment to mention Ayin's apology to Angela in the light. Ayin is... Complex, morally, to say the least. Swaddled in good intentions, and with a good grasp on a positive outcome, just with means incomprehensible and immeasurable in the suffering caused. He brought his friends down with him to his prison, and made them complicit in his atrocity. He wanted to be better than every other Wing in the world. but he's done all the same shit. The difference though, is that he was willing to end it, show remorse, and break that cycle. The sin cannot be forgiven, but it can break the cycle, so he took it upon himself to do it, those hundreds of good deeds. And the cycle was broken. Great atrocity was done, but it was broken. Forgiveness is the wrong thing, redemption is as well, I think, he wanted it, maybe he got it, but what he wanted has been twisted by Carmen, truthfully, so I think it's kind of a moot point. But what is the right thing, I think, is understanding, that which he gives Angela. "I'm sorry. And good job." In this, he acknowledges her feelings. Her pain. He can't compensate her for the pain he put her through, but what he can do is acknowledge it, like she does for what she's done to Roland, though inadvertently. He sees her, for the first time, not as a machine, but of what she has been denied of at this point, what she wanted; human. This is also a good time to bring up Carmen, too, as she too is in the Light, hell, she's *the* light. She's who makes people Distort or manifest their EGO, she once again is the source of this, and Angela and her at this point could not be more different. In some ways, Roland's selfishness in wanting Angela back stops her from making the change to prevent Distortions, and the risk for selfishness they pose, as Distorting is easier than manifesting the EGO. Angela cannot be the constructive voice to balance out Carmen to help people be able to fight back, but again, to go back to the ending, Angela's targeting the City now, as an institution. If she can't work against Carmen in the light to stop her, then changing material conditions to create a world less based on pain will help. It further reinforces Angela's humanity to show how far she's drifted from Carmen, and I think it's especially poignant given that Angela was born of Carmen's pain, her still living body stripped and exploited. They're both victims, both of them want the world to change, both of them can understand the other, but they disagree on a fundamental level. So they both must be true to their ideals.

That tangent aside, I think it's important to note how important Angela's humanity is at the end, because she asserts it. Her humanity is presumed, and I think as players, it's been long established, even when she *was* purely machine, as being human is a sense of who claims you. And Angela, by the institutions that rule this city, is dehumanized. All the things we've seen as atrocities they can accept, but are tragic. If Angela didn't give it up, and became a human, they could tolerate her. But because she was not born as one, she is not allowed those privileges. Despite what she's demonstrated, how she's grown, matured, and changed, how she has done things that even the Head says only a human can do, she is denied it. If anything, the Head hates her *more* because of how human she is, and I think that only adds to the importance of Ayin acknowledging her humanity, it shows that even the most awful person we've seen, even moreso than Argalia in some ways, still acknowledges her. Everything else is acceptable. The distortions, while tragic, are OK. It would have happened. Capital can subsume that. But Angela's something they have deemed unacceptable, and she only survives by the strength of those who trust in her and support her. I think it's a really good metaphor, even if it is painfully real, especially in the current age.

And I guess I need to talk about that next, this game's interactions with capital and the City, and in some ways the socioeconomic context of South Korea. The Wings of the City are analogous to chaebols, institutions that centralize the entire economy, and they're deeply corrupt. Each Wing has a Singularity that grants them power, all of them we're aware of rely on human suffering to function, and the City runs on these. Prescripts only add to this, the City having a will of its own, which often propagates pain in one way or another and keeps itself in motion. The entire system is rotten, based on pain, and exploitation. The class divide is palpable in many ways, those in the Backstreets, or slums, aren't even allowed into the Nests, where the richer people in Wings reside, and are often systemically denied ways to lift themselves up. Violence against them is viewed as less important than violence against those in the Nest. The game is deeply critical of these in its portrayals. Angela's new to this world, and while she can make sense of it she also acknowledges the ways it's twisted and broken. Power is everything, you either get a good job or die alone, I think the only thing missing is a strong commentary about gender norms, but gender is a thing never really confronted in game. There's of course, now some legitimate hypocrisy that came from PM (based on my understanding of the facts) in how their criticism of Korean socioeconomic reality, and generally, capital, is less impactful given some of their behavior, but I don't think that detracts from the messages. In some ways, even, part of me is cynical enough to say that this proves a point; that corporations, no matter how much their art challenges the establishment, they are also subservient to it and the interests of the powerful. Of course they'd be corrupted by it, they've demonstrated that fighting against capital directly only gets you eliminated or subsumed. However, I think there's something also worth acknowledging here. That being the idea that challenging capital and its interests, and to some degree, revolutionary behavior, can be done through the improvement of the self, those material circumstances, and your relationships with other humans. There's a place for self improvement and the construction of your community, and its reinforcement, theory, and ideals, and also the hard world of praxis, and fighting against that which you cannot accept. I think in a world where a common sentiment among leftists in the anglosphere is that a revolution is not happening, and we're just going to have to do what we can on a different scale to change the world, this is a thoughtful ideal to communicate, that our relationships with our community, the changes we make to improve it, our capacity for kindness for others and breaking the cycle of violence within ourselves is a good place to start to make those changes on the world. Obviously, there's still a need for other change, but the sentiment that the community and the individual are important for that change is a very useful one.

Which I guess is a good time to talk about the community, in this case, the Sephirot. I think they're really good for depicting the idea that the community is strong when the individual cannot be, as well as philosophical (and of course, theological, given their Kabbalistic origins) stepping stones in the development of Roland and Angela. To use shorthand, they've finished their character arcs. That's not to say they're static, but the Sephirot have had their development back in Lobotomy to become much more developed people. I do wish they had more time in this game, as I enjoyed a lot of them in Lobotomy, but we do at least get more interactions between them and they're not as much main characters so I get it, I just *do* like them. Malkuth manages history, and she's dealing with the fact that people in the City, and her life, are capable of great atrocity. She's trying to document that, but the problem exists in the reality that no one wants to remember anything outside themselves. People are trapped, and cannot learn from history, because the City propagates itself and erases/incorporates those who try to change it, so what's even the point of remembering it. But it's the past that builds the future, pretending otherwise or ignoring it means you only rebuild the past. And you must not despair, you must carve this idea on your heart, and face it. Maintain the will to stand up straight in a world that wants to break you down. Yesod manages technological sciences, and is aware of the dangers it poses, especially in the City. The entire ethos is that the ends justify the means, and that is uniquely terrifying when the means always involve pain. He acknowledges this about the library, and is rightfully scared by it, and wants Angela to understand that what they're doing here is comparable to other things in the city, and it can't be justified away. We have to be thoughtful about things in an ever changing world, and we can't ever just follow what's been set out. Maintain discretion, be rational, and think about "musts" and if they're actually as such. Hod manages literature, the stories of the people. For the Sephirot who involved herself in the lives of others to their detriment, placing her in a space that uses her newfound capability to understand other humans as well as she does is a really nice thing for her to slot into. The fact is, the city sucks to live in for everyone. You join groups, and the groups hurt people. Where you live is always boiled in violence, and you either give up your autonomy and ignore it, or give up your safety and acknowledge it. Everyone wants something better for themselves, to not have to deal with this world that's breaking them. You can't be broken against the wheel, you still have to have the hope to be a better person at the end of it all. Netzach manages art, and he muses on the nature of humans to make it, at the cost of humans. It's, especially in this world, a monument to pain. That's not something that really feels like it should be exalted, but it's what people are experiencing so it's made anyway. Killing yourself in the pursuit of a dream, beauty, doesn't actually create or leave behind that beauty, or dream. It just propagates misery. You've gotta fight to stay alive, you've got to want it, even if you're scared, even if it hurts, even if you've accepted self destruction. You've got to hold onto the idea that there's always something more to do, some new story to tell, a reason to keep making things as humans do. It's scary, being alive, but facing that without fear and living is what gives beauty to our condition.

Tiphereth manages natural science, and she in some ways iterates on Netzach's philosophy. Sure, you're alive, but so what. The world is unfair, it beats you down, nothing could be more cruel than it, and understanding that's a hard endeavor, usually tinted by loss. So, we try and understand it. We look at the world, and what's unjust about it, and we make sense of it so we can change it, to keep dreaming. One day, we will overcome this. One day, you'll wake up, and will be able to face yourself and the world. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, there's *got* to be something waiting for us because that's how humans work. We're driven by desire, and the chase of knowledge, justice, hope, gives life meaning. You just have to know what lights shine for you, and make the choice to chase them, every day of your life. It'll hurt like hell to be well, it's hard to do it again after losing your way. But as long as you're alive, things can change. Life has a meaning, and you must expect to find it. Gebura manages language, and notably, is one of the two Librarians with much stronger ties to the outside world than others. Her floor doesn't touch on language overmuch, but I think she demonstrates that differences with her behavior instead. As she mentions, the Backstreets dwellers speak simply, and that's reflected in her. Gebura is the most brash, honest, and straightforward librarian. She rarely speaks symbolically, and that also lets her uniquely connect with people, because of how she speaks and carries herself. She's the first one to get a fragment of the truth out of Roland, for example. Another element is that her actions speak for her rather often, given her past as the Red Mist. She was famous for her selflessness, and always tried to look out for people weaker than her. It's not the strong who survive, it's the survivors who are strong, so making sure people survive is how you create people who can live in this broken world. Kali was a legend who died in the service of protecting others, she's a very emotional person, to both her strength and detriment, and she's always going to carry that with her. Even if she's failed before, even if it's gotten harder, she still understands incredibly well that violence is a tool. And she wields that tool with courage, in the service of others. Chesed manages social sciences, and has a huge heart. He's as playful as he is determined to hope for a better life for others, and he loathes violence. More accurately, needless death, but the sentiment is identical. Chesed doesn't want people to be hurt or killed. People are all important little pieces, and we all blend together to make our symphonies. He values knowing *why*, for the hope to change things through understanding to make a better world. There's always something we can do with the people in our lives to make a difference, after all. Even if it's small, we owe it to them to do it. That's what being friends is about, after all. If the world wants to pit you against each other, then band together to be strong together. You'll have each other, and can fight the current of the oppressive reality together. Sitting on your hands only makes things worse, you've gotta be able to look and process your reality to change it. And people can help with that. Build a crowd of your friends, and become stronger together. Those who are faithful and trustworthy are what give us the strength to put our bodies on the wheel.

Binah manages philosophy, and is the other librarian with strong ties to the outside world. She's always talking in parallel with other people, but is doing as such to prove a point. The world is cruel, but you can't turn away from that. You must acknowledge the world and observe it to understand it. And you've gotta free yourself from your biases to actually understand it. If you just look for what you want to see, then you can miss the forest for the trees, or see things where they aren't because you want them to be real. Binah was once Garion, an Arbiter, effectively a supercop. I think the analogy speaks for itself there, but she's also interesting because that part of her is long behind her. In her discussions about the world, she also speaks of herself and her wants, as someone who's dealing with the sins of her past, especially given she is in no small part responsible for how things turned out. To put your past behind is to bear the sins of it, and decide to move on. You won't do it the first time, it may take a hundred, or a thousand, but you'll break it eventually. And when you do it, you'll have to do it over and over again. But you did it once. You can do it again. This works on another level again, because Lobotomy Binah is a deeply damaged person. She feels little, save for when she's hurting other people. But in Ruina, it feels like she's moved on from those remnants of being Garion. Like all the librarians, she wasn't who she was at the start of this, but she also has carried the most with her; she's just also had a lot of time to sort herself out, and while she's still imperfect, she's trying with other people now. She's tried to reconcile her past. She's looked at all the horrors of herself and the world, and has started to move beyond them. Hokma manages religion, and is one of the two people responsible for the birth of Angela. Angela is conflicted on him most of all, given that past. To call their relationship filial in any way I think is a misattribution, it's more like he's her least favorite teacher. He's wise, knowledgeable, and thoughtful but they've got a lot of friction between them. He tried to do well by her, but it wasn't enough, and he has at this point accepted that given their past. Unsurprisingly, the thing that defines Hokma is belief in something, or rather, someone. Ayin was the man that gave his life meaning, and he believed in him and his cause, even to his own end. He was shackled to him, but he was freed from that weight when he realized his answer, that building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same. You aren't stuck to it, but you must acknowledge it to move on, and its influences on you, good and bad, are what you choose to pass on. I think the most important element to him comes in his end discussion with Angela, on the idea of pity, sympathy, and love. They're similar forces that foster human connection, but I think another element is that a lot of faith exalts those who we pity; we give them love to raise them up because we find them pitiable. Through that sympathy, and a repulsive emotion known as pity, we come to understand and love one another.

And finally, we tie back to Roland, who manages general works. The thing I most want to center in this discussion about him is the simple phrase of "that's that, and this is this" because it's such an infuriating philosophy for him to follow. We see it bite him in the ass so much, because it's a cope. Angelica makes it clear to him that it's a cope, and he's just relying on it to the point it's become something deeply maladaptive. And once again, it's Angela that breaks him out of this, because through their journeys together, she realizes and proposes to him the counter: That's this, and this is that. It's her gesture to break him out of things wholly, the same way Ayin's words did to her. In terms of broader strokes, human connection is the most important thing on the road to being better people, and I think something that is demonstrated very well through Ruina is the way that it's more important to make a wrong choice and learn from it through people around you than it is to make no choice at all. While this game builds much more on the elements introduced in Lobotomy about the City, I think Lobotomy is a much stronger criticism of capital? This does it, but I think it doesn't do as good in marrying its gameplay and themes to sell the violence of capital, it mostly just depicts the horrors and leaves it there. This works, it's just not as impactful, and I think is a product of this being much less horror oriented. All in all, I chalk this one up to another game I wish I was much more capable of speaking about. There's so much good here, and it's one of the best games about revenge I've played, the next closest being the original Xenoblade. It's incredibly rich, and there's a lot more I have to say, I've just been typing for four hours and didn't want to make an even bigger wall of text.