#there are a lot of life changes going on so there's a reason but im mostly very confused and have a headache all the time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

skunkes · 1 month ago

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abt to say smthng deranged

but ive reverted to accepting my fate here especially since im really really lazy and stupid and just want to draw but the only sharp thing still poking at my sides is wanting to transition and how I know as soon as my birthday rolls around I'll wish I had done anything to get out and start that, while sobbing hysterically over how the years just keep passing me by in that regard. 14 years. 15 years. And many many more.

But at the same time its like. I wouldnt want to claw my way out solely to transition (which at this point would be the sole positive thing about leaving). Because whats the point. I want to be transitioned before I really look for or accept love, yes, but moving out and doing so wouldn't lead to that I dont think. Id be living the same life im living here, but Worse and more exhausting. So i also dont see the worth in fighting to do it.

I feel those 2 views are at odds, but, like, its never enough to do things just for myself even if I really need it. It always has to be in relation to someone else. There would not be a someone else so why bother. Im not finding love while I live here so it doesn't Really matter if i cant do it, but this wouldnt change if i left so why would I fight for it. Why be the true version of me if I have nobody to share Me with (especially considering it will ostracize me from most everyone else I love.) I dont know

#i feel this doesnt make sense but idk #its like how i would not have gotten a car at all if it wasnt for Someone i wanted to be able to drive around #if they visited #its the same here. i feel so incomplete without transition and my life cant begin without it #if anyone took interest in me now it would feel hollow until i was actually myself #but nobody is taking interest Now #and if i moved out solely to transition its not like changing locations would suddenly change anything.#so why bother. why do it. its going to be the same anyway #why make my life harder for no reason #why decorate a place you'll always have to leave why deep clean a home nobody will ever visit but You.#theres no point if its just You.#thsi also extends to a lot of things like how i want to paint but cant unless its for someone else #ill draw a billion characters Standing There for a friend before i do 1 for myself bc i dont see the point or Worth #delete later #it was a horrendous experience overall but id never been more motivated to do something than when i had a ''partner''...#nothing made me more willing to turn my entire life around. ill go back to school and study some miserable shit that #will make me rich so I can spend it on You and make You happy. i would not do this for myself.#im not doing anything for myself right now. no use in doing anything for that guy he doesnt deserve it

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hatchetsfield-arch · 5 months ago

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sporadic activity notice: so ya gal is homeless ✌️🫠 it’s a big ole long story (one most likely authored by lemony snicket) we are safe, we are able to stay temporarily at an extended stay facility and we have family members helping out. we’re able to take our animals with us to the extended stay place too which is such a relief. but until all that is (hopefully) resolved; considering everything going forward from here on out is a big ole ❓(along with suffering mental + physical health) activity will be quite sporadic. i appreciate your patience and understanding. love you all!!! <3

#i’ll still have my phone but don’t know if i’ll have internet and things + how often i’ll be on so sporadic activity update just in case #we go to the extended stay place tomorrow morning #gotta try and pack as much as we can today #if i had a nickel for every time i was homeless due to reasons beyond my control i’d have TWO nickels….#which isn’t a lot but it sucks that it’s happened twice #i was like 11 the first time too oy #i am begging somebody anybody to take me out back and take me out out ole yeller style #WHO did i piss off so badly in another life WHAT did i do cos i swear im not that person anymore (literally) so pls give me a breeaakk #currently sliding a crisp fiver over to whoever has custody of my voodoo doll #and asking they instead like tuck it into bed with a warm glass of milk and a kiss on the forehead for a change #ooc.

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serdtse · 7 months ago

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#god they want to organise a school reunion meeting bc it's been 10 years (??? what)#anyway #i defintely dont want to go even though i liked that time of my life #im so ashamed of how i look now and i understand i was ill back then but my ed'ed mind cant help it #i gained a lot of weight recently as well and is it a stupid reason for not going? yes but i dont want to make myself suffer through it #and frankly speaking i think im so different from what i used to be and it will be like opening a pandora's box nothing good will come of i #for my wellbeing #i have some former friends who havent changed since school at all and i always feel weird talking to them it's like. we have nothing #in common anymore

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heyitslapis · 2 months ago

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I need to get more Normal

#Very opposite my usual ''get weird'' motto #Im STILL gay spiraling & after sleeping for 7 hours woke up from a gayass dream & I'm not feeling normal about it #Ive essentially spent the last 24-hours thinking about T (the person im dating not testosterone)#I need to get more normal because I hate that I was so sheltered from any kind of romantic life that now my feelings go from 1 to like 50 #which then means feelings & anxiety hits me like a truck & I'm left a jumbled mess without knowing how to regulate those emotions #which means I fall super hard because the affection is nice and I don't like change so when the time comes to go our separate ways #I crash back down to earth and struggle to handle things in a healthy way and it fucks me up #which is why it's taken me on average 2 years to get over the people I've fallen for in the past each time it happens #theres no way thats normal and healthy so whereas im usually all for getting weird this time i need to get normal #I hate being like this so I need to figure out healthier coping mechanisms and better emotional regulation like asap #cause last week I felt like I was gonna frow up with anxiety after being kissed and was scared and wanted to back out #and now im listening to Chappell Roan on repeat and trying very hard not to imagine kissing them a lot #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK MY HELL BRAIN #the whole reason I started listening to Chappell was to imagine my OCs not myself wtf 😭😭😭#OK rant over Time To Be Normal #personal #emma rambles #dating tag

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spookytimecollective · 7 months ago

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something is happening system-wise but i don't know what

#blurry.txt #ive been feeling very odd the past week and a half with a lot of blackout amnesia and more sleep issues than usual #there are a lot of life changes going on so there's a reason but im mostly very confused and have a headache all the time

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get-more-bald · 3 months ago

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the thing about X6 is that he's essentially a slave given to the Sole Survivor by the Institute. and I think that the fandom's treatment of him would be different if the game addressed it or even just said it

#forever crying cause x6 has no companion quest #i mean like. would be cool if fallout fans could read implications but also i think im one of the very few who actually think about x6 #like. what the hell.........#also obv the institute synth slavery plotline was incredibly mishandled and also bad but like. everyone knows that #fallout 4 would be SO good if it was good #one thing i think about the synths. is that there are different divisioms of gen 3s #the common one: normal artificial human-cyborg basically. BUT has a short life expectancy (like... 10-15 years? short in general)#for the coursers i cant decide whether theyre upgraded commons (which would make them 'a class above' with some 'gifted' individuality)#or if theyre just. made to kill. superior physically and mentally. proficient with weapons. uncommon. even shorter life expectancy tho #and the impersonators made specifically to inflitrate the outside world. who have a life expectancy much closer to a real human #but theyre uncommon (usually community leaders) and theyre hard to make. so the commons are also sent up a lot of the time #and the institute goal in all this is to secretly control the commonwealth societies AND to use the synths (with 'a shorter life anyways')#to clean the commonwealth of radiation and create safe spaces and generally make it good and safe. and also perform eugenics on the humans #so that after the commonwealth is safe and non irradiated etc. the institute humans can actually come out and have the world ready for them #and they'd be provided for etc etc. which would make a convincing goal for a vault-like society AND have the ss actually consider joining #but with obvious flaws in their plan (maybe not even their grandchildren would see the outside. the synth slavery obv (with disregard for #their lives). the basically slow genocide of the outside humans and ghouls and all mutated life. like itd be so good #also the short life cycle of a synth (especially a courser) would make an x6 story so tasty. like. hes probably what? 6 or 8? not a lot #is he a child? not really. an adult? i dont think so. hes just here and hes going to die soon and theres nothing you can do #could be a nice ground for a companion quest where hes free and learns how to live to the fullest for his remaining years or smth #also the short lifespan (finally remembered thw word) could actually be a reason for synths to be considered less than human #cause in the base game its just like. theyre just some guys with metal in their heads and i guess they were made in a lab (noone could tell)#coming back to the institute. they would be so full of themselves and scared of the outside and pretty pathetic that thered be no way #to talk them into changing their plans and working with the outside world. but youd have to think about it a bit cause their supplies #WILL run out. its a matter of time. and they will NOT work with the other factions no matter what. so if work against them youll doom them #which is why we could use some innocent institute npcs too. or like... show some children there or whatever. make them human too #but you also see how much destruction theyre causing in the outside world (insert quest about synths like... the mcdonough quest or smth)#damn and i thought i wouldnt go on a tirade in the tags again.... alas #well here are my almost 2am thoughts about the institute and that its stupid in base game #fallout 4 would be so good if it was good

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lovinggreeniehours · 4 months ago

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OH YEAH it's arifive anniversary today :)

#im going to be happy today 🫶#i had wanted to make something to celebrate but s4 left me in shambles here 😭 im still kind of a wasteland jfshkjdfhk #but yeah <3 four official years yayyy #guys i like him a lot 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 light of my life soulmatism bullshit 🥹🥹🥹🥹 he's so nice to me for some reason #im annoyed i can't marry him again already HDSHKFSGH #that's still my plan </3 but. i still don't have money. so i am going to wait until after college again but aaaaaahhhhh #i want to do it noww............i want to marry this guy like ten million times... sniffles #i know it's not that far off for me to have had that crush on him all that time ago #but the way he's upended my life makes me feel like he changed my dna 💀#ari.stuffs #if i could never give you peace.♡#im considering..... watching palm springs again........ because that is our movie.... but ill see if i have time today

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together #i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week #all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds #also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn #ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself #but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates #gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard #but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh #and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism #like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since #n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on #its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it #and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions #+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf #so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead #its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths #just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea #but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke #so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close #ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual #happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all #and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves #like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me #and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway #doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3 #but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately #but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that #.diaries #okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo

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frobby · 5 months ago

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i love madoka magica however i dont think we as a fandom talk enough about how tragic madoka herself is. probably because the narrative itself steers you away from thinking about her personally. shes not a character shes a desire that homura has, shes a force of good, shes homura's foil. but those are all madoka's narrative roles but madoka herself as a person is not really looked at because we are viewing this world from an unreliable narrator(homura) who only sees madoka as those things. The best thing homura could have done for madoka was give up on her, to let her go. because every time we go back in time the image of madoka is distorted, she loses more of herself every regression of homura's as she tries harder and harder to save her. We don't even know what madoka originally wished for to become a magical girl in the original timeline. and she actually acts quite differently than the madoka we meet. shes a lot more honest and caring and bold. by the time homura's has reached the actual anime madoka has been reduced by the sands of time to a figment of herself. she has no wants or desires of her own beyond wanting to do good and help her friends and when all her humanity is stripped away is when she finally acends to godhood because thats all thats left of her. an ideal and a faith in her. madoka kaname died a long time ago and all that is left is her ghost.

#of course homura doesnt care anymore because she cant go back she can only go forward cuz if she gives up she killed madoka for nothing #she could have left her pass away with dignity but now shes a ghost stuck in a web of time and the only thing she can do is keep trying #to save her #i feel like inately homura knows this but she doesnt want to admit to herself thats shes the real one who killed madoka kaname #this is a very charitable reading of homura #homura died too but its a clear moment because homura is our narrator #homura akemi will never come back madoka kaname will never come back #but life goes on anyway for homura #heres my truth #i loved rebellion but im actually a bigger fan of the original anime's ending so im glad it seems like red ribbon homu is coming back #i thought that ending was a lot more hopeful and beautiful and rebellion was kind of a downer but i always accepted they were parallel #and seems im right based on posters #for walpurgis #madoka uses one of my favorite literary devices which is the underuse of a character #i dont know whats it called but i love it when they dont outright develop a character usually to signal an upholding of the status quo #i already explained how madoka is not shown as a character but they do this in princess tutu too with mytho #mytho is a character from a book hes not real in the way that the others are and therefore cant actually change like the others can #hes always the focus of others and never the one thinking of others #i mean yeah he spends like the whole anime thinking about tutu but thats PART of his book its not him as a person #anyway ive been talking too much but i wanna bring up my favorite subtle use of this in takopi's original sin #the boy #idk his name rn lmao #hes straight up not present for the bulk of the manga and hes legit just absent from the ending scene despite being one point of a triangle #at first that weirded me out like??? he doesnt get closure???#but the reason was he didnt need it #the focus and moral is that those girls were 'weird' unable to be normal (because of trauma) and their closure was theyre at least together #but he doesnt need that because hes already normal hes the status quo a benchmark for the reader for the reader to judge the characters off #and the characters to judge eachother off of #anyway anyway sorry this has been so long #i had to get all of that out of me

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juniestar · 5 months ago

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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night #im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an #d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me #mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi #tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon #d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not #to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time #his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie #ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told #to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA #times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses #to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to #a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what #he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p #rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go #into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are #not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee #n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro #ving that right all the time #it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts #oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac #he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from #our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud

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pawphin · 1 year ago

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long ramble in tags tldr: kindness rules

#was it genocide that got them to the human world or was it her kindness and promise at the expense of her past #who was ultimately the reason the goldy pond kids were able to survive and escape #who got stabbed by a demon and was in a coma for four weeks trying to protect her newfound family #ultimately shifting his perspective on humans and hunting in general and becoming a driving force in their efforts for freedom #who became best friends with the literal ''evil blooded girl'' and was able to come up with a sound solution to demons needing human meat #in order to maintain their forms #do you think norman would be happier knowing he had to be the sacrificial lamb killing children with his bare hands and fully executing it #do you think ray would be happier if emma had simply let him die instead of giving him a firm dose of reality and helping him to #live a life full of love and support and kindness #of course she isnt perfect and i most definitely would change a lot of things if i could but this is just one of the many comments i see #when youre blinded by hatred you cant think objectively #i understand that norman went through freakish amounts of hell but to put it in my perspective: if i were a demon #i highly doubt that i would fully understand how intelligent humans truly are #you know those videos of people boiling crabs alive and saying ''it doesnt hurt them''#there would probably be a lot of rhetoric around that nature and all i would know is eat human fingertip = go play tag #so why would my parents deserve to die? what difference is there between cattle like pigs and cows in our world to humans in theirs?#anyways. im sorry for liking stories where kindness prevails and opens doors to opportunities previously thought imaginable #i hate constantly seeing this stuff when looking up tpn and it irks me it really does

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lonesome-pear · 5 months ago

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So I saw a video about the epic of Gilgamesh, saying that it contains the phrase in those distant days. Well, I thought that could be a good theme for a poem so I decided to write one. I turned on some Minecraft music (not sure why but it ended up working out) and got writing. It ended up being about missing the past. I kind of wanted to share it so here it is

In those days, those distant days

I would sit there for hours, placing things in new ways

Stuck in a creative haze, in those distant days

In those distant days, I would be with friends

People I loved, people I no longer know

Sitting in the basement, by a warm fire glow

In those distant days, I would find a new thing

Something that was little, but also somehow big

A planet of sorts, where it seemed like I had wings

Flying through the memories of those distant days

In those distant days, I had childlike wonder

Before all I knew was torn asunder

Little me, scared of thunder, was comforted in the moments of those distant days

How I miss those distant days, where there was joy and whimsy

A time where memories made were of good quality

But I cant go back to those distant days

I must relive them in different ways

Find whimsy with new people, in new places

Find joy in new games, with new faces

But I will enjoy this days now

The present can be pleasant anyhow

But even when it's not, I keep going somehow

Those distant days are far away

But I carry on, I find a way

Because I might be looking towards them, those distant days

#art #poetry #lonesome music #< tagging that incase i turn this into a song #anyway tag rant time because i have Thoughts(tm)#there are so many references to specific moments in my life #The stuck in a creative haze refers to that time i spent like 13 hours on one specific build in mineecraft #unfortunately i deleted that world so i dont remember what it was #the people i no longer know is a friend who moved away #and one guy who i used to be friends with but turned out to be really queerphobic #the basement with the warm fire glow was that guys basement #they have a really nice fireplace down there and most of these memories im referring to happened during the winter #which is when they actually have a fire going in the fire place #the little thing that was also somehow big and a planet is the game little big planet #but specifically the second one #and the reason i felt like i had wings there is because there was one specific minigame that kind of felt like flying #everything i knew that was torn asunder was just. pretty much all of my world views. holy shit a lot has changed since then #and i was terrified of thunder storms #but one time i was playing minecraft with friends and there was a storm in game and irl #so i pretended the storms were only in game and then i was fine #theres no more references to the past after that #anyway rant over #i hope if you saw the poem you enjoyed it #and if you read all these tags. i dont know. good job i guess. thanks for reading all that :)

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astrxealis · 1 year ago

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whenever i see a ff fan who is somewhat close to my age and is into like. vi and x alongside xv ix etc it just makes me happy awhh

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#LIKE ... sometimes i feel so alone but these stuff are like no you're Not Alone #haha ix and xiv reference ANYWAY i love ff. so much. oh god #i think its amazing how it became my favorite bcs i started w x bcs of family and then wanted xv myself #but only got it bcs i wanted the sims but it was Age Inappropriate according to the uh worker in store so xv instead TYSM u changed my life #and then after xv i got really delved into ff! but before that theres a lot already too uhh xiii family reasons too and then type-0 and vii #ofc. after xv tho me and my twin got viir bcs our dad caught us watching all of crisis core online lol #and then sometime after that. how does the timeline go uhh sometime after that there was 9 and then after was xiv and then #ever since xvi was announced yeah and then blah blah blah im interested in every single final fantasy game og remake whatever side game #sequel prequel ... yeah. along the rode i got interested in square enix as a whole thx to family as well tbh #so you have octopath and kh! kh was my childhood even before ff but i only got into it properly around. 13 y/o #and now i'm absolutely in love w it it means so much to me. octopath was a bit of a childhood thing too but late 2020 i got obsessed w it #Myself and then okay you have twewy ever since neo and then you have nier and oh i gotta get into dragon quest tho. man

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skhardwarevers1 · 1 year ago

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sorry for saying I was going to do things and even starting them and then disappearing from this website entirely for three days. It will happen again

#Nothing new. Tbf I’ve done this a lot #I would say I’m focusing more on school and my personal writing but that’s more of a fucking lie than full truth #I genuinely have felt sick to my stomach posting here for whatever reason #Guilt shame anxiety paranoia etc etc you get the point. I feel like shit with no valid reason as to why #So for now I’m going to stop doing the thing that makes me overly emotionally sick to the point I have actual physical reactions????#Yeah that’s the logical course of action. Might post small personal anecdotes and doodles and such to give off the vague energy that Im fin #But beyond that I quite literally can’t. I sat down and thought about writing this post and immediately broke down #I don’t know why I feel guilty over having inconsistent motivation for putting up shitty writing on a website for strangers to see #But I do and k think the only good way to get past that is this. Gotta stop acting Impulsively it’s ruining my fucking life man #There’s only one other thing that I’ll thank Eloise for #and it’s for getting me off of tumblr long enough to realize that I desperately need to get help #This is fucked I fucking hate it. I might be online if k can bare the possibility that people can see this #Namely people I’ve grown attached to in concept #Idfc at this point. it doesn’t change much about how things have been going for the past year #Vent #S.K explains that things never really got better they would just suck less for short periods of time

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage #directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space #im just fucking. im at my saturation point #its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking #mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance #and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting #that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck #ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done #im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine #bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt #working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating #god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to #feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even #this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong #im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must #be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care #leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care #anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy #i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago #itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage #unrelated

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sunshinereddie · 2 years ago

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#big rant just ignore #can my parents please stop asking me when im going to get a boyfriend #every time they ask (which has been a lot esp recently) it makes me want to pull my hair out #well mom and dad there’s plenty of reasons for why im single #maybe because im very much closeted and you’re both homophobic!#maybe because im so depressed that i use so much of my energy just trying to stay alive and the thought of seeking out a relationship #is just too exhausting to even think about!#but neither of you believe in ‘depression’ so i can’t get help for it!#maybe because of all the things you’ve said to me throughout my life that has made me feel like im unlovable!#the list can go on and on and on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but ofc i can’t say any of that and i just have to shrug and change the subject and dread the next time they ask #sigh #i cannot wait to move out :/

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