#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[heartfulofsighs]

Baggage Claim Part 8

Description: Seunghoon back from a business trip only has a mind for growing his company. You are in the middle of running from the by the book life that was drowning you. When a minor inconvenience sets you in his path will you be the reason he eases up? And could he be what you need to get serious again

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 

Thanks to everyone who has given me such kind compliments about this story. It really means a lot. This part is more domestic then anything and I really enjoy it. Here’s hoping our two love birds stay this rosy lol. @negrowhat​ Always the most thanks to you for being my forever sounding board. 

He looked down at the picture on his phone for the millionth time. His day had started out with a lot of promise. Seungyoon had sent a long email chocked full of actually very good ideas for his new factory opening. His other smaller accounts were going well also. But he still felt...lost, scared, and a little bit annoyed. You hadn’t called him back. He stared down harder at his phone. Was it something he had said? Was he too clingy? What could he have possibly done to put you off? He thought back to holding you. You had tucked your head under his chin while you watched tv and talked. It had all felt so ideal. He scratched his chin as he put his phone down, he must have been wrong, he must have missed something. “Hey grumpy.” 

He looked up to see Mino standing in his doorway, sucking on a lollipop. Instead of being more annoyed he shrugged and leaned back in his office chair. “You know, you aren’t exactly a ray of sunshine on most days but today you’re especially stormy.” He pulled the candy from his mouth his face full of concern, “is everything ok?” He asked. Hoon toyed with the idea of brushing him off, minimizing his feelings because logically he was being irrational. He leaned forward towards his desk and muttered, “she hasn’t called me, texted me, anything since we went to the club.” He said clearly. Mino came into the room, each stepped measured until he sat across from Seunghoon in the other chair. “Maybe she’s just been busy?” He suggested. “I mean she’s from another country, maybe something’s come up for her back home?” He tried. “That’s true.” Hoon granted softly. He swallowed suddenly feeling so selfish for not thinking of that possibility. “I just wish,” he started before he stopped to rub his head, “I wish that I didn’t care.” He finished his voice much lower than before. It would truly be a fling if he didn’t care. If he could brush off your silence then it would all be so much easier. Mino grinned, his face morphing back to it’s usual one of mischief. He had no idea how deep Hoon’s crisis was. He leaned forward. “I think it’s cute that you care. I’ve never seen you so broken up over a girl…” “I’m not broken up.” He snapped. “Overly touchy?” Mino tried. He rolled his eyes and decided not to answer.    “Do you wanna eat?” He asked. A change of subject and scenery would probably be good for him. He needed to refocus on what he had to do for work. He didn’t have time to worry over… His phone buzzed to life. He looked down at the screen, a message from a number he didn’t know across the screen. He read it out loud relief coloring his voice with every word.    “Sorry, I smashed my phone after you dropped me off. Yeah lunch sounds good but can we make it tomorrow?” The message read. He let out a long sigh and Mino laughed at him.    “All that fuss…” He started in between giggles, ���and it was because she’s a little clumsy.” He laughed harder. Seunghoon found himself smiling with him. The joy that the explanation was so simple filled his chest. You hadn’t gotten tired of him in the span of a night. You had just smashed your phone. He waited for Mino to calm down before asking again, “do you wanna eat?” “Yeah, the new mall they built down the way has an amazing food court.” He suggested. He started on his lollipop again with a more thoughtful face, “I wanna try the gourmet noodle place they have there.” He said. “Fine,” Hoon stood up and started to brush off his pants, “then back to work.” He said. “Awww there’s my taskmaster.” Mino copied his motion, standing tall and stretching.

   “Tell me everything you want to tell me.” Cherry had been so calm when you finally got home from Seunghoon’s house. She was calm but you felt like a bottled storm. Talking about him didn’t help. It felt like lightening strikes in your heart describing how the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. There was no way you could pull off the “long tease,” like she advised. It happened fast and it was wonderful. You told her all of it but held the part back that made you feel so...odd. When you were done Cherry must have felt something was shifting for you, changing. She spared making you explain.    “Well this is a lot to digest,” she had said.    “I know, I’m still…” you swallowed and the storm felt like it was churning in your stomach. Making your hands shake and your throat dry. Cherry had said something, maybe she wanted to get started on dinner or she had somewhere to be and then you were alone. You laid on your bed and sighed. You wanted someone to tell you what was a good idea and what was a bad one. Apparently you weren’t doing too well. You hadn’t left home to fall in love. You put your hands over your face and tried to block the word out. Not love, not with a guy who you just met, who you just slept with, who you had gone on two dates with. You couldn’t be in love with him and that’s why it felt like there were thunderstorms raging in you.    “Should have just given him the bag and forgotten about him.” You whispered softly to yourself. But that would have been too simple and if you were being honest too boring. You took your hands off of your face and stared at the ceiling. Your heart was hammering but not in the bad way it did when you were home. In fact the storm raging was scary but it wasn’t the feeling that you ran away from. You decided to wait and see because what else could you do?

The next day you smashed your phone. It seemed to happen in slow-mo. Pulling it from your pocket, the smooth black device slipping free from your hand and sailing between the stairs to its doom. The sound it made on the concrete made you wince. You stood on the landing in disbelief and of course the first thing you thought of was, “how am I gonna text Hoon?” He had sent you a text yesterday that you hadn’t replied to yet. He was going to think you were ignoring him or playing some stupid hard to get type game. It was only after you freaked out about that did you even consider how your mother was going to call you, or any of your friends. You didn’t move from your spot on the landing not until Cherry came out.    “What happened? I thought you said you were going to mail your mom that letter?” She asked.    “I dropped my phone,” you responded in a complete monotone. “What the hell am I gonna do?” You whispered.    “We could go to the mall? And get a new cheap one?” She suggested.    “I won’t have anyone’s number,” you scratched at your arm, “god I’m so stupid…” She took your hand and started to lead you down the stairs, her face all patience.    “Just take a breath. We’ll get it all fixed.” She said.    “This is gonna blow my budget,” you complained.    “Maybe we’ll find an older model that isn’t too bad,” she tried, “and you’ll just have to put up a post on your social media asking people for their numbers.” It all sounded so simple once she laid the steps out.    “And I’m sure Seunghoon has an office number posted on google or something, we can call there and get his cell,” she turned just as the two of you finished the last step. There was a pretty sizable smile on her face, “cause I know that’s who you’re really worried about contacting.” You couldn’t even argue with her.    The train ride down to the mall was quick. You had been in the city long enough to recognize you were near Hoon’s building. Your heart picked up a little.    “This place is brand new.” Cherry told you while she looked through her purse, “we’ll go to the phone store then grab lunch?” She pulled out a chapstick and looked at you for confirmation.    “Yeah that sounds fine.” You said, “and can we get something sweet?” You added.    “Like frozen yogurt?” She applied the chapstick liberally before leaning back in her seat, “oh I wanna look in the new home goods store they have too.” She said, “I want some potted plants.” She made a thoughtful face, “for the kitchen, or maybe the living room.” She added. She pulled out her phone and showed you how she might want to set the kitchen up. Talking about something mundane kept you from worrying about your phone and how much a new one could cost. It was a nice little break.

He ate his noodles and watched all the movement in the food court. People flowed back then forth through the new building, shopping bags in hand, faces beaming. It was gorgeous inside, all gleaming floors and modern shops. Everything felt upscale, even the food court. He wondered who had done the advertising for the opening?   “The noodles are good?” Mino asked as he slurped. Hoon nodded, he was nearly finished with his bowl. His mind now fully focused on work. You had texted him, he would see you, that was all he had cared about. “So, where are you planning on taking her for lunch tomorrow?” Mino asked. He drank the broth from his bowl then set it down, “you have to take her somewhere nice,” “I’m going to.” Hoon insisted. He leaned his head on his hand and sighed, “or maybe I’ll just cook for her.” “You can’t cook.” Mino pointed out on a snort. “I can try.” He argued. “You just want her at your apartment,” he leaned forward, “you just want a little afternoon...treat.” “Shut-up.” He snapped. But that wasn’t such a bad thought either. Suddenly he was picturing it. Making you something nice, smiling at you from the other side of his table, then delicately getting up and closing the distance. Hand on your cheek, leaning down to kiss you. “Well back to work I guess.” He blinked, the sound of Mino’s voice butting right into his daydream. He stared at him barely able to contain his annoyance.    “Yeah, I guess,” he granted. He had work and recipes to look up. Mino stood and adjusted his jacket. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and managed to produce another lollipop. “When did you start eating candy so much?” Hoon pushed his chair in genuinely curious. They walked out of the fancy noodle place into the crowd of new shoppers. “Haven’t you ever heard of an oral fixation?” Mino laughed, dodging around a small group of older ladies. “Since when have you had that?” He stopped walking suddenly struck by two people coming out of a jewelry store. He cocked his head, it definitely was you. You and another girl arm in arm, bright smiles on your faces. He started out towards you two without a word to Mino. The other girl saw him first. She stopped abruptly and pulled you up short with her, “sorry, sir we’re having sort of a girl’s day, we aren’t interested.” She said quickly. You laughed a little at her and shook your head.            “Cherry,” your voice wasn’t quite a whisper, “this is Seunghoon.” Her eyes widened. She put her hand over her mouth and made what he thought sounded like a squealing sound.       “Nice to meet you.” He said to her before he turned his attention to you completely.        “So this is where you came for your new phone?” He watched you nod. Mino has reached the group, lollipop in his mouth         “What a coincidence,” he commented around his candy.         “Did you guys do a little shopping?” He peered down at Cherry, “I’m Mino, you must be the friend?” He beamed, “there’s always a really nice friend…”           “Cherry, it’s nice to meet you.” She extended her hand. They shook but these were small details to Hoon.           “What kind of phone did you get?” He asked. You pulled a small black phone from your pocket and showed it off, “I had to get a little cheap one so I wouldn’t blow my budget.” He looked it over more critically then he meant to. He wasn’t trying to judge, he was just concerned about being able to be in touch with you.    “It’s nice.” He finally got out.    “Well,” Mino began, “we left a lot of work at the office…” His hand patted Hoon on the back. He realized that he had just been standing watching you. He cleared his throat, “yeah, I guess I have to get going.”    “But I’ll see you tomorrow right?” You asked him. The smile on your face sent his heart going a million miles an hour. He nodded, “yes, for lunch.” His answer satisfied you. Cherry waved as the two of you started to walk away “nice meeting you!” She called.    “Wow, it really is like fate with you two,” Mino draped his arms over his shoulders and began to walk him towards their exit, “everywhere you go there she is.”    “I’ve never been so lucky.” Hoon agreed.

   “So what are you going to wear to lunch?” The two of you were walking your way back from the train station. Still arm in arm. She seemed almost giddy about your date with Seunghon. Seeing him at the mall had fueled her talk about fate and people being destined. You didn’t have the heart to stop her but you tried not to let the talk get to you head. A fling a fling a fling. Cherry stopped herself short of saying love most of the way but when she got close you felt the storm cloud in your stomach again.    “Just jeans Cherry, he said it wasn’t going to be anywhere fancy.” You didn’t mean to sound whiny but there it was.    “We can look at options when we get home.” She satisfied herself with her answer and went silent for the rest of your walk. It wasn’t until you got back into your apartment that she spoke up, “I have a really cute crop top that would look good with jeans.”    “Can we try on stuff later?” You tried. You didn’t have the energy to try on one piece of clothing then another.    “I should probably call my mom.” You untangled your am from hers, “just to let her know that I’ve handled the phone thing.”    “Oh yeah, no problem.” Cherry rubbed her arm and sighed, “I should probably check and see if I have any job emails. I’ve been neglecting that inbox.” She said on a laugh. The silence in your room was jarring. Once again here were your thoughts whispering to you how much of a bad idea seeing Hoon continuously was. In the mall you thought your heart was going to beat its way out of your chest. You had barely registered Mino was with him. That was bad right? To be so focused on one person when you had no business forming ties? You sat on your bed and tried once again not to think about it. You dialed your mother’s number and listened to the ringing noise with all your concentration.    “Hello?”    “Mom it’s me!” You waited for her to process.    “Baby? What number is this?” She asked. You could imagine the look of confusion on her face.    “ I smashed my phone and had to get another one.” You explained, “save this number ok?”    “Smashed your phone? Oh my god, you said you were being careful out there…” An eyeroll, you were sure her eyes were rolling.    “It was an accident.” You said. You swallowed the storm clouds making their way up your throat.    “Besides your phone how’s it going out there?” She asked. You flopped down onto your bed.    “Fine.” You kicked your legs in frustration, “everything’s fine.”    “You sure baby?” She didn’t sound convinced. You closed your eyes, “positive, I’m having fun. This time off was just what I needed.” She paused and you thought you were caught. Well you hoped you had been caught, if she pried it would be like opening a floodgate. The storm would erupt from you and maybe then she could tell you if what you were doing was the stupidest-    “I’m so glad you’re feeling better baby.” She said.You clamped your mouth shut and nodded as if she was there to see it. “Because that’s all I wanted...I really wanted you to feel better.”

Technically you didn’t feel worse then when you had first left home. You did feel very different, the crushing feeling was gone. That was old news. You felt alive and more vibrant than you ever had back home. Cherry couldn’t help you get dressed like she wanted. There were actually a few jobs waiting in her inbox that you convinced her to take. They sounded right up her alley and they paid well.    “It couldn’t hurt to go.” You had said.    “I guess you’re right. I haven’t done too much since I’ve been sick...and I want some new booties.” She had fluffed her hair and put on lipstick in the mirror while she talked.    “You’ll be ok catching the train down there?” She asked.    “I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry.”  You assured her, “two trains then two blocks and I’m there.” You reiterated.    “Good, have fun, tell me everything when you get home.”            “Will do.” You handed her keys over.            “You have some condoms in your purse right?”  She stopped just short of the door to ask you.    “Cherry...really?” You shook your head surprised but not really surprised. “Lunch at his house...don’t act like you didn’t think about a little afternoon delight.” She wriggled her eyebrows at you before turning to go, “better safe than sorry.” She said as she opened the door to leave. You watched her go without another word. Two trains then two blocks and you were walking up to his building. You thought you looked nice, a pink crop top, your more shapely jeans nothing too daring. He had obviously told the doorman that you were coming. The small man stood up quickly and walked towards the bank of elevators. “Good Afternoon, floor 15 for you ma’am?” He asked. You nodded and he  pressed the button for you, “have a good day.” He said before he pulled his arm back quick enough to let the doors close. You stared at yourself in the elevator door’s reflection and sighed. Did it look like you had tried too hard? You turned one way then the other, maybe the crop top was a bad idea? You put your hand over the sliver of your tummy that was exposed, maybe too much skin? The elevator dinged and you realized you didn’t have time to worry. When the door opened Hoon was there leaning against the far wall. He was looking down at his phone, chewing his lip as he scrolled. “Hey.” You stepped off the elevator. He looked at you and smiled brightly. There went your heart. It thudded hard in your chest as he got closer. He shoved his phone into his back pocket to free up his hands. It felt like you were watching him move in slow motion. He raised his arms and very gently took your face in his hands. His thumb stroked your cheek and it felt like he was studying you, taking you all in. Your heart somehow got louder as he leaned down. “You look really cute.” He said softly before he pecked you on the lips and let you go. He took your hand instead and started to lead you down the hall like it was the most normal thing. “I hope you like pasta,” he walked at an even pace down the carpeted hallway, “well pasta with shrimp.” He added, “because making meatballs didn’t work out for me.” “I like both,” you granted. He stopped at one of the last doors and entered the code. It beeped and he pulled you inside. This time you actually got to look around. He had good taste, simple but with hints of color throughout. It was bright in the living room and you could see the kitchen with all it’s perfect stainless steel appliances. You had been here before. Been ushered through this room before and down the hallway to the right. While he was trying his best to unzip your dress and you were whining at him because you wanted to keep kissing him. He stood patiently until you were done with your shoes, “sit at the table, the noodles are almost done boiling. Then I just have to combine everything.”     “How long did it take you?” You followed him to the kitchen, “all morning?”    “Well I may or may not have tried making the sauce for the first time last night.” He stood in front of the stove, “but some things...didn’t exactly go my way…” He admitted. “But you were determined,” you stood next to him and peered around his shoulder. It all smelled good. You were actually pretty proud of him, it looked like he had gone through a lot of effort.   “Yeah, once I started I couldn’t give up.” He picked up a big wooden spoon. “Plus I knew I was on the right track because this sauce smelled much better.” He stated proudly. You couldn’t stop yourself from laughing. “You taste tested it too right?” You asked. He dipped the spoon into the sauce and started to float it towards your face, his hand tucked under it just incase it dripped. You blew a little on it before you tasted it. It was good, thankfully you didn’t have to fake the “yum” that came out of your mouth. “It’s good?” He asked. “Really good.” You said.  

He had in his mind how he wanted everything to go. He would wow you with his cooking skills, then wow you again with his conversation skills, then, when you were all happy and full he even had a present for you. His plan purposely did not include touching you, because he realized the danger of it. But the not touching you part had gone out the window as soon as he saw you step off the elevator. He had to at least peck you, there wasn’t any danger in that really. Mostly. He combined the shrimp and the sauce just like he had seen in the video he watched. You were close to his side, watching. “Do you wanna get out the garlic butter and the french bread?” He asked. “It’s in the fridge.” He said. You moved immediately without a word. Sauce, shrimp, then drain the pasta- “Seunghoon.” He turned to the sound of your voice. “It’s on the second shelf,” You were staring at the photo of yourself that had fallen out of your suitcase when Mino opened it. “How did you get this?” You asked. You pulled it from magnet confused, “this is from my birthday two years ago?” You said. He swallowed, his heart in his throat as he tried to come up with what to say. “Man, this was such a good day, look how happy I am.” You didn’t sound upset. It was more like you couldn’t believe it was you. “Mino opened your suite case to see if there was anyway to tell where you were staying,” he started. “And the picture fell out?” You finished. “I found it under my couch, after we had given each other’s bags back,” He turned the burner down on the stove before he faced you completely, “I was under the impression that I would never see you again and I didn’t want to throw it away. So I kept it there...I’m sorry.” He was praying that you weren’t upset. You sighed as you looked at yourself before you put the photo back in place right next to the photo strip from the boardwalk. “You don’t have to be sorry.” You said, then you were opening the fridge as if nothing was wrong. He watched you get the bread and the butter out to set on the counter. You cut the loaf in half effortlessly then started to spread the butter. “I guess when you saw me at the beer booth it was a bit of a shock.” You said. He turned back to the stove, relieved that you were talking again. “I thought I was seeing things.” He said, “but then there you were saying that ugly tagline, under that god awful picture of the genie.” He laughed and you laughed with him. “Imagine having to say that the whole night.” You said, “but I guess it worked out to be a good thing.” “Because here we are.” He said as he stirred. He walked over to your side of the kitchen and pulled out the strainer, “the video mentioned something about al dente...which I think means harder noodles?” “I’ll eat them either way.” You said as an answer, “I’m not picky.”   He didn’[t need to direct you when it came to the bread. You got the over started and put the loaf in by yourself. That freed you up to watch him carefully strain the noodles. “Make sure you shock it with cold water.” You said. “Ok,” He turned the faucet on cold, “go sit, I’ll serve you.” He said. You stayed by his side ignoring the instruction and he didn’t want to fight you. He got two servings together while you pulled the french bread out. He even had enough spring mix for salad. When the two of you did finally sit down it was together. “I don’t have wine,” He realized flatly. “Pour me some juice then, it’s no big deal.” You said. He did with a small smile because this was the only thing you allowed him to serve you. When he sat down again and looked across at you he felt that same warm feeling he felt when he woke up and you were in his arms. You were eating, laughing, smiling. He couldn’t help but notice it was almost as big as the picture on the fridge. He felt more proud of that then the food turning out well. He had done that hadn’t he? He could claim that smile as an accomplishment. The more he looked at you eating across from him, the more he was certain that this wasn’t casual at all. This had to be love.

[pbandjesse]

Im feeling kind of sad right now. I had a breakdown earlier over something stupid but it was just to much. I am looking forward to sleep because its just been a lot.

I had a good day today though. I slept well. My headache was gone when i got up. So that was nice. I got up at 8 and put the heat on and slept another hour. Excellent.

When I got up i made a sort of schedule. Get dressed. Go to the store. Come home and make an omelet. Paint for a bit. Watch tv. Go to work. I wanted to be eating by 1015 and I accomolished that!

I felt cute. I like my haircut a lot. I biked over to the store abd got a few things. Mostly was out for soda. I biked home and made my omelet and toast and it was excellent. And i was just on time at 1010.

Sweet Pea wanted to go outside so I let him hang out there but then I ended up forgetting about him until about 11:15 I feel horrible because he came in and he was all cold and his tail was all puffy. So I loved on him and played with him for a bit after that but while he was outside I did a bunch of other stuff.

I change my outfit because I decided I didn't want to get flour dust from the clay we were going to make with the kids today all over myself and I get dishes and then I painted for a while. It was nice. I had a really chill morning. And I just felt really good about everything. I finally sewed Pockets into my black jacket and I felt really really accomplished.

I realized that sweet pea was outside and let him in and I felt bad. So I spent a little bit of time loving him up before I had to leave for work. I bike down to the bus stop but I was pretty early. I ended up having a really nice conversation with some elderly men that were hanging out there about being short, the one guy was only five two. And about that dad and daughter that murdered that lady. And about people falling in love with people in prison and how it's not the wisest decision. It was fun talking to them it was a nice interaction.

The bus came and I got to work on time. Well I got to work early. And I spent the next hour cleaning and organizing. I returned some stuff back to the supply closet. And I talked to Tiffany about strategies for group work and choosing tables. And the general was great. So no big deal and me and chelsi have a plan of attack for where they are going to sit.

Class was fun. We have a new student to add to our other new student from yesterday. His name is Michael. He's very very nice. And it was a fun time. We had a nice drawing time in the beginning and I brought my pink Furby and batteries. And the kids were so thrilled. Because she does a lot of different things. And so they were passing around all day. Enough that her batteries died. So if I bring her again I'll have to bring her new batteries. We went outside and it was nice. Some of the girls braided my hair and it was just chill.

Dinner was fine but I dipped out to go to the classroom to start measuring stuff because we were making Salto Clyde. Devon came and helped me and he was super helpful measuring things with the measuring cup. I realize that I screwed up the salt measurement but I don't think it'll matter that much since the salt is just a preservative. And I'm going to shellac all there pieces at the end.

And they had such a blast working with Clay. I had them all come to the back of the table and we talked about best practices for how to build something out of clay. Pinch pot, coil, slab. They all asked can we do it another way. And I tried to explain to them that these are really the three ways that you can only make something. And that what they're trying to do is essentially a pinch pot and that's totally fine. But it was funny talking to her about it. And then they just went to town making this clay. Each table got their own bucket and they all mixed up together and table number three to the best and got it the quickest. Table number one had the most roll. And ended up with almost no clay advance. But thankfully I made another batch to share with anyone who had trouble. And I'm going to keep all of it and make baggies of equal amounts for each kid. They're not building till Thursday so I got tomorrow to work on that. But it was really nice seeing how excited they were to work on everything. I'm probably going to bring in some tools for them to work with but today was really great.

The kids were originally working on plastic but it was the plastic that has all the old paint on it so it was flaking all in their class so they asked if they could take the plastic off the tables. That first Chelsea said no but then we decided it would be okay as long as all the kids cleaned. And they did and they did a really good job. And then at the end we talked about sensory and how working with this clay was a sensory experience. And they said that they used almost all their senses including taste because all of them tried to eat it because it was made of flour. Which was very funny. But it was a lot of fun.

The end of the day was fine and then I got on the bus without much issue. There was a weird guy at the bus stop who was very concerned that I smiled at him when I walk past. But it was fine. Until I realized I couldn't find my bike key. Wasn't in my backpack and it wasn't in my coat.

So I get pretty upset. And when I got off the bus I don't my backpack out and it wasn't in there. So I had to just walk to my apartment. I had planned on going to James but now I was tired and it was 6:30. And I didn't want to be walking all the way to his apartment and all the way back. So I just told him I was going to come. And I was upset but it was fine. I couldn't find the spare key that I thought I had and that frustrated me. And I dump my backpack out to see if I have had missed it and realize that my clock furby was making a horrible horrible grinding sound. And this is the one I just got that I spent too much money on and that actually works. And the screen was frozen on all fives and was making horrible noises on every Saturday. And I was so upset and then I couldn't find a screwdriver to open it up. And I called James and I absolutely flipped out. I was sobbing. And I know it was because I was overwhelmed by everything I was just so angry. I was mad at myself and I'm not about this apartment. I don't want to live here anymore. I just want to move out I don't like the space I'm too cold all the time. It's too much money. And I just don't want to be here. I really feel like I can live in apartments one year at a time and that's basically it. Because every place I've lived as soon as I hit that year-and-a-half Mark I just I'm so disgusted by the space that I'm just super unhappy. But maybe it's also because when I get to that point I know I'm almost out of the apartment? And like I am dealing with moving by just despising the place I'm in? Unclear but I was really really upset. I ended up hanging up on him because I couldn't keep looking for a screwdriver to open the stupid Furby and be on the phone. So I hung up on him and I was able to find a pocket knife that had a small screwdriver I want it and was able to get the batteries out and I fixed it and it was fine. And then I was fine. I just felt super hollow inside and tired. But I wasn't upset. I felt embarrassed but I wasn't as upset as I had them. I called him back and I apologized and told him I punched a wall and split my knuckle open. And he said he would stop me from doing that in the future and that he was really sorry that he couldn't have been more helpful. My mom had also sent me a package with keychain Furbies that made me smile because she didn't have to do that and she went out of her way and it helps when I feel alone out here to know that they're back they're thinking of me. and now that everything is calm down I'm really just ready to go to sleep. don't have class tomorrow but we do have a PD at noon. I can't do anything about my Bike today or tomorrow. So we just have to wait and hope that it all works out quickly. That my bike key is just in the storage classroom and I'll find it on Thursday when we go back. Or James will have to get a bolt cutter and cut my bike off the pole. But for now I'm going to sleep. Good night everyone stay warm

[yukipage]

Promises (Connor/Reader)

Blue Lips, Blue Veins: Part 4

Characters: Connor (RK800), Reader, Lieutenant Hank Anderson.

Summary: You choose to sacrifice yourself for Connor's sake. He does everything in his power to save your life with mounting frustration at your reckless actions.

Author: Thank you guys who participated! I tabulated all of the responses from both Ao3 and my Tumblr, and this was the most popular choice. To be honest, it wasn't what I expected, but it was fun to take the story in a different direction. Thanks for reading and have a nice day :)

Square: SACRIFICE

What happens next is not a consequence of careful planning or logic. You don’t think, because there is no time to think; you do. In the blink of an eye, you throw yourself in front of Connor just as Zlatko pulls the trigger. Pain rips into your torso and your forearm, bringing you to your knees. For a split second, Connor just stares at you in shock. Your mouth opens in a silent wail as you feebly clutch your chest. Breaking from his stupor, Connor yanks the gun from your incapacitated grip, sending fresh waves of agony through your entire being. Without hesitation, and with deadly aim, he shoots Zlatko straight through the forehead. The shotgun slips from Zlatko’s grasp and he collapses like a felled tree in a growing puddle of his own fluids.

Meanwhile, you are in your own personal hell. Blood flows freely over your fingers, the stain in your shirt growing ever wider. Unbidden, a whimper escapes your lips. Connor’s head snaps in your direction and the gun clatters to the floor. Quickly, he kneels down next you and lays you on your back. He pulls off his necktie and ties a tourniquet around your upper arm. The android’s movements are precise and calculated; his attention doesn’t waver from his task and his hands don’t shake. As he works, he makes an emergency call. “Yes 911? An officer has been shot. I’m performing first aid now.” He gives them the address and hangs up curtly. Shrugging off his coat, he rolls up his sleeves and presses the piece of fabric into your chest wound. You writhe underneath the weight. “I need to apply pressure to your injury,” he explains quietly. “None of your major arteries are punctured, but I have to stop the bleeding.” You stare glassy-eyed at the ceiling, praying for any distraction from the suffering. You turn your gaze towards him and notice a small hole in his wrist, thirium trickling from it to his hand.

“Connor,” you gasp. Your breathing comes out short and quick, leaving you permanently winded.

“Don’t speak,” he orders. With your free hand, you grab his arm and squeeze with all your might. Connor refuses to meet your eyes, focusing determinedly on your wound. Tears roll down your cheeks as you use him to anchor you through the excruciating pain. You will yourself to pass out. Only after what seems like an eternity, with sirens growing louder in the distance, do you slip limply into the sweet release of unconsciousness.

When you return to the world, the first thing you notice is the smell. The distinct scent of sterile sheets and spotless hallways fills your nostrils. Then, you become aware of the soft, steady beeping of a heart rate monitor. Cautiously, you take inventory of your injuries. Your chest and arms ache dully, but it’s nowhere near what you felt before. You slowly open your eyes. The room you’re in is pretty stereotypical for a hospital. A whiteboard hangs on the wall directly across from you, announcing the nurse on duty in blue dry-erase marker. In the corner, a small television is mounted on the wall. You shift your hands and notice the tubes attached to you, leading to the machines on your left. To your right, sits a jacketless and tieless Connor in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs. He stares blankly at the wall. “Hey,” you say, trying to get his attention. Connor remains motionless. “Connor, please. Talk to me.”

“Did you know that there many, many other RK800 models in storage at CyberLife?” His tone is even and measured. “If I’m ever damaged beyond repair, a fair amount of data that I’ve collected so far will be transferred into the memory of another android and my mission will continue.”

Your mouth twists into a frown. “I’m not going to apologize for what I did.”

“You could have just shot him!” Connor explodes. “None of this would have happened if you didn’t insist on blindly putting yourself in danger!” He falls silent, gripping your blanket to compose himself.

You sigh. “You’re right. I should have shot him. I wasn’t thinking.” You take a few moments to formulate what you want to say. “Look, I don’t care if you’re an android. I just didn’t want anyone… to die.” You bite your tongue to keep the word else from slipping out. “In the two days that I’ve known you, I’ve come to consider you as a friend. Which, frankly, is unheard of when it comes to me. I don’t… I don’t tend to trust people that easily. Uh…” You try to recover. “I’m rambling. Anyway, the point is that I’m not going to promise to not try to save you. But, what I will promise is to try to think about the best option; one that doesn’t involve killing myself. Alright?” Connor terse nods in agreement. “Ok then. So,” you exhale. “What’s the damage? How long was I out for?���

“You’ve been unconscious for around twenty seven hours. They kept you under in order to remove the bullets from your body. You had two in your chest and one in you arm.” You gently feel the bandages under your shirt and on your am. “There were mild complications, but no permanent harm was done. You’re to be released within the next few days.”

“You stayed with me all this time?”

“Yes. I only managed to get ahold of Hank in the past hour. He’ll be here shortly.”

“Geez.” You finger your bandages. “I got off lucky. Or, not luck, since you basically saved my life.” You notice the tear in the cuff of Connor’s shirt and your memories flood back. “What happened?” You take his hand and turn it over. A small, ragged hole is punched through the fabric, but his wrist is unblemished underneath.

He watches you. “A stray bullet hit me. My skin repaired itself.”

With the ball of your thumb, you rub the skin exposed by the bullet hole. “You know, you really shouldn’t devalue yourself so much. Your life matters too.”

The door bursts open and you release him with a start. Hank marches into the room, out of breath. “Blue, thank God you’re ok. You are ok, right?”

You crack a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tore up.”

“Good, good.” He regains his breath, then pivots towards Connor. Hank grabs him and lifts him up by the collar. “Why did you let this happen you piece of crap?” He shakes the android.

“Hank! Hank, let him go; it wasn’t his fault.” You attempt to get out of bed but wince as the pain in your chest and the tubes pumping drugs into your veins hold you back. Hank sets Connor free and helps you back into a relaxed position. “Take it easy, kid. Don’t hurt yourself.”

“It wasn’t his fault,” you reiterate. “He stopped me from bleeding out. If it weren’t for him, I would be dead.”

“Ok, I believe you. It’s alright.” Hank adjusts your pillow and looks back at Connor, who’s smoothing down his rumpled shirt. “I guess I owe you an apology.”

“There’s no need, Lieutenant. I would be angry too if I were in your position.” You smirk at the irony of that statement compared to how Connor had just yelled at you.

“Well, I’m here not just for Blue. TV on,” Hank says. The screen blares to life, displaying a news station.

“We’re still unclear about what exactly what occurred during the android infiltration of Channel 16’s broadcasting station. The Detroit police are now being joined by the FBI in investigating the turn of events. No official statement has been released yet about the alarming breach of security that happened yesterday morning,” states a female reporter, with a video of a skinless android playing on loop in the background.

“Yes, I already knew,” Connor says. “But I couldn’t reach you until now and someone had to stay with Blue. We should head to the crime scene immediately.” He directs his gaze to you, almost tenderly. “Rest well, Blue.”

“Yeah. Heal up. We can’t have you down for the count like this.” Hank passes a hand over your forehead and you grin weakly at him. “I’ll keep you posted on what goes down, don’t worry.”

That is the last time you see your friends for some time. Over the next couple of days, you watch Detroit descend into a state of panic from your hospital bed. You keep your eyes glued to the TV, listening to the reports of a group of deviants freeing androids from a CyberLife store, of a peaceful protest led through the downtown shopping center. You weep at the footage of the android bodies gunned down and splayed haphazardly in the streets. True to his word, Hank updates you every now and then. “I tell you, Connor scared the crap out of me. He’s going to give me a heart attack one day. He was connected to a deviant right before it blew its freaking brains out! And the look on his face afterwards… I swear, Blue. He said that he felt it die. He said he was scared.”

“Holy crap,” you murmur.

“I know, right? Connor also was able to get something out of it. A word: Jericho. We don’t know what it means yet. I’ll get back to you tomorrow, after we visit some retired CyberLife guy named Kamski.”

The word runs through your head over and over again as you wait out the long hours. Eventually, you learn from Hank that it’s the name of the deviant’s secret hideout. He tells you that the police are booted from the case and the FBI took over. Connor was not happy. Coincidently, someone broke into evidence just before the android supposedly went back to CyberLife. You don’t think for one second that Connor gave up his mission.

More time passes, then it’s the night before your release day. You drum your fingers on the empty meal tray, sick of your prison and the world that surrounds you. Anger eats at you as you play back what the skeptic announcers said about the deviants. Their protests prove that they feel, that they’re really people! That they are alive! Your phone buzzes. It’s a text from Hank. It reads: ‘The Feds found Jericho, but they’re not telling us where its at. I heard that they’re sending a raid. I think Connor may have found it first, though.’ Another message: “They got an anonymous tip about its location. I think it was him.”

Your mind races. If Connor knows where Jericho is, then he must be there. What if he gets caught in the raid? You’re busy texting this sentiment to Hank, when the sound of a helicopter whirs overhead. You look out the window and see it fly by, FBI plastered on the its side in large white lettering. It’s heading, by your estimate, toward the abandoned docks a couple of miles away. Hastily, you try to call Hank, but he doesn’t answer. You ball your hand into a fist. Someone has to warn the deviants. Or at least get Connor out. Or both! You pound the tray table, then rip the tubes from your arms. The monitor flat lines as your feet hit the floor. You’re done feeling useless. You’ve got to go to Jericho to find him and warn the others, no matter what happens. Right? Looking around the room, you struggle to come up with a plan that will help you achieve your goal.

Choose: Triangle: SNEAK THROUGH HALLWAY. Square: ESCAPE OUT WINDOW. Circle: RETURN TO BED.

|Ao3| |Part 1| |Part 2| |Part 3|

[usashirtstoday]

Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt

Actually love the lives to it is also a Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt coronavirus survivor and his neighbors are struggling to deal with both issues at the same time I got was taken extra money out there pockets and is going to the grocery store deadline of the water roster but you add on the pandemic not a water live in their team grab the started in 2014 when as a cost cutting measure official switch the city’s water source from a cure on to the Flint River but the water was improperly treated allowing and other chemicals from the pipes to leach into the water supply the city switched back to its original water source in 2015 the line news was on the ground in Flint from my side of the crisis we heard first hand from parents about how they believed the tainted water affected their children my son gave up trying to get his bones hurt to give him there’s nothing to do for to take away although tens of thousands of plaintiffs ever pointedly saturating the payout as part of the settlement much of the money is expected to go toward the children. I came up with a book about what happenedand why this all has gone downand I’m just make it up on this I’m just assuming I’m going to stop the result was the only because it makes sense in my mind is going to take such a letter I think that there like I think they’re getting that B of a fixed budget right are fixed pay scale light like D D get like making a number of hundred thousand dollarsand up so that goes to themand no matter how many episodes that’s what they get what they have made one of the big shows of all time it is the goose is line goaland asked if they want to do another season they could do another season my thought process is they want out of his current contract they want game of thrones over so they can make the next project for HBOand then go rose remember that billion dollars we made you on selling DVDsand sinand getting new subscriptions do you want the next goose is next time is half 1 million for each of us for each episode it’s a really bad negotiation technique to write the show major name in a way that all of your fans are the vast majority are upset with you by the end of the seriesand the way that now ruin the relationship into more business Star Wars next fight but quickly that’s of course bold fromand I wish I had when I was hungry till I saw them to say that it is very delicious I showed it to me the worst part of that whole episode are so much dumb shit no much dumb shit that happened that just didn’t make sense it was just the worst part was the destruction of Jamie’s entire storyline is entire up down up down very Unitedand ascendant like his whole thing at the end saying likewise going back like oh I don’t give a fuck about the people for the innocenceand it’s like you it’s been established five times with different quotes over the over the years your initial good guy turn that you do care that was your rationale for killing the mad King that was the reason that you are trying to talk sense to so many you know bad or bad faith you characters from the series you are in your good thingsand then he just I guess the only reason to go North Virginia was the fuck Breanneand then he goes backand dies with Circe there doesn’t make his so what was the fucking point of his entire story arc shit they all though just a little while he did have moments with here’s a sideways life point of wars complicated rights of the North men come in the battle for I don’t know 812 minutesand then start raping chicksand a course John Snow takes the girl or whatever their eight minutes in. They Know You Are to Buy Our This Art Studio Where Creative Guy with a Great Idea and a Ton of Possible

Source: Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt

Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt For Men and Women

Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt

See more: Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt

Premium Trending This Summer Season will Presents Who Love:

There was no need to keep him locked down as long as he did and even the public health official even amid a Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt these in emails just for us right or not open for the public as if this gets out will know that we been lying to and they were talking about this in email so now Nashville donor John Rich is because using the also the nightclub in Nashville came out on on the news today is the day’s like Mlle. To be a black empowerment in this country stop making excuses evil place on earth my wife both estoppel is an Omega so we had a good quality black candidate for 2024 in Wyatt is going to be wild is glory while between importance to us by support people to support both do is wait becoming so big barbecue and apologized and was supposed to be fine with we are having more morbidity for our sales and dignity for focus on the last word both you know my rights back is not the so stand tall on your ancestors your children and the life and alignment in the things that will be there and have some. For two all for you guys who with your brother I did yes he is my twin brother identical when we were identical we were born identity I don’t know 18 we started to divert a little bit that’s it a young box I think of when you need to maybe go there now is a really do not look identical but yes you okay saying I yeah if had a people you know they don’t like it that’s that youand your brother with Sammy Sammy yeah that your brother took full advantage of having yes I did what we were bad bad bad boy mom in the audio for you are out in certain situations I keep going okay I went by he was having trouble at school is about to UCLA yesterday I went to UCLAand he was the Greek studies is one of his degreesand is having trouble passing was actually not going to graduate I was coming back from actingand he said listen my teachers offered me the points that I will need to graduate I just have to deliver a Greek monologue from the Greek found what are the chances that you know a Greek tragedy is actually this could cause the give me a shot you get tomorrow come at 12 noon black shirtand jeans black shoesand that you wrote to me of the crude map of where to go to the past by financial aid you can meet Eduardo wattage kids are Luisand Melinda had can enter the room is 401 go sit in the tiny room just to find a place to sit so get this together I follow the crude map say hi to Eduardo hello to the kids will want to open the door expecting a small classroom auditorium of this size I find a place to sitand that way way the professor calls on me she says Sammy Maui click I usually look to the leftand I came downand poisoned in a deliver the monologue started out slow my heart was pounding I think okay you actually have an audience right moment EMR video slowly in a really start to appreciate having the audienceand its it’s working the end of it I get a ton of applause from everybody rightand I thought we did I overshoot this certainly I did because the professor looks at me to hearand see the skeptical look on her faceand yet opens the doorand takes me outside his did you learn how to do all of that all the is just a hobby to this bookand you stayand do this for my next class I said to get the points today at times I very well have on my cars in the red zone I gotta go graduated we waited in now the head you did it it was Oedipus Rex the correlation you that you don’t circles in the ad to be doneand we North deadman Apple crisp finds myself because I slice of Scottish history playing robberies booking to begin streaming on fixed the ninth on November the why of the is what he remembered why is this well he was the first person the first king of a unified Scotland in the kind of enter national politics of the time there were many many clans many many people hate one another within the country to have one person unite all of the disparate Scottish clans against the crown of Englandand with 500 men he defeated 5000 he defeated it was like you know I don’t know Puerto Rico try to go against that you go to war with America was like it’s the biggest most dynamic most modern army in the world in an Scotland beat field to of the disorder was old fashioned me I watched it and the story unfolds I get into those one thing I noticed one scene I’m looking forward to in thi The your life as a viewer you are you are headed to the story was on the so there’s a story that finds himself after battling’s been defeatedand is worried that Davidand Goliath the man went against incredible oddsand got kicked to the curband his army was just absolutely you know Heather had the butts kicked until they finally won in one of these low moments he finds himself in a cave in a according to legend sees a spider’s weband a spider in the weband and as he gets pummeled by rain in this in this small cave is the spider gets it Byron aSpire keeps on coming back to this is a story about perseverance in the face of adversity this is the part of this is just I along with my mother what we like it okay to drive that this is a you can Bible Scottish nobleman to join your club is supposed to do designed to discuss cryptic it was if I was in for rain wasn’t sent to me rebellion meal tried for eight years failed because your family were too busy trying to clean the curtain wasn’t theirs singing was to linguistically singleand set aside the back country the site was located east method people are tired of war suffered bullish was tortureand slaughter the people I had the best Justice Wallace Jeep Scottish hero to Jackson filming in Scotland After I had us to you mean I figured I would get crucified by some people floors I just went fulltiltand tried to tried to do it I had a wonderful dialect coach we filmed in Scotland entirely in most of the Castro Scottish I have a lot of people to know quietly whispering in my ear felt I was doing something you state doing doing the Scottish event at nightand I’m not a conservative socio and not not not regard but just by virtue of the fact that your promoter of your mouth is doing it all day that you find yourself at the publisher on the ship to couple drinks easily like I said so he doesn’t feel a couple changes in lanky because you’re not in waking when I had hypertension waiting to them ordered a 40 million find yourself falling back in random it’s funny I did so with them I it was a great opportunity so every morning I would wake up at I do know I work out I get the make up chairand they’d put this is Molyneux I had yesterdayand I would we would just read Shakespeare for an hour just just re chase her overand we went through nearly everything that myself if I if I’m reading Jason second a record player will you go backand and play yes Scottand Chris find the accent you that the cost to look right during the grueling conditions in Scotland filming for monthsand then you premiered filled in Toronto not look on attention to what happened what I have so there’s a scene in the film where I am I I bear theand yet it seems likely the front to the back yard you don’t like one is a grocer never got the to the team all morningand late 40s members I’ve already okay very much I review at the PSA booty but I do the freethinking soaking in the titling of the pot is vanity like mother there there F number one is one more near they wanted to do that See Other related products: Black Cat Fuck Corona T Shirt

[aquarianlights]

I'm preaching to the choir here, but I'm gonna say it anyways.

Pants sizes. Jesus fucking christ.

I'm a transman, but I have not started HRT yet as my doctor doesn't think it is medically and psychologically safe for me (yet). That doesn't mean I don't wear men's clothing. However...the one thing I do wear a mixture of is female and male pants.

To get you guys in perspective, in guys pants. I'm a 28/30. And that's only because I can never find anything lower than 28. 28 is about maybe 2ish sizes too big for me. And 30 is too long. So really I'd be more of a 26/28. . .but that really doesn't happen. Hence why I usually shop in the little boys section. 28 is even almost impossible to find.

Yesterday I was in the mall doing some much needed pants shopping (I've had two pairs for about 2 years so I was finally able to get new ones). I, ofc, tried on an assortment of men's and women's pants.

Guess fucking what?

All the stores I go to are average. Not large, not small. I'm above average in size, probably bigger than most actually, but not enough to shop in the plus size section. But my number in boys jeans fit me that way, as stated above. Which is so nice because THEY’RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME... then I get to women's pants.......

One store, I'm a size 6. Another store, I'm a size 14. I can't even tell you all the number differences between that. And it just frustrates the hell out of me (and I'm sure everyone else). As someone who has struggled with anorexia since early childhood, fitting into a size 14 and being so comfortable in them that I just had to get them almost made me have a breakdown. I'm glad I got them coz they're comfortable af but. I've never been in the double digits until I started on antipsychotics. And even then, the highest I ever went was a size 10.

And I just don't understand..... I have a woman's hourglass figure. I have hips. Ridiculous hips. I hate them with a passion because it means I can never button the very last button on men's fitted shirts (like dress shirts) because they're made for people without hips. Obvs, HRT is gonna help with that but it could very well be a while with my current medical situation. I still have two weeks to wait on my arthritis and general rheumatoid blood work and I'm gonna have to get another draw for lupus very soon. And financially? Hrt is not a reality right now.

So what even.

And I'm trying to get a vest to go over a dress suit for suave business casual and what happens? All the fucking men's vests are ridiculously huge in the shoulder area and super wide in the chest area. Everything fits perfectly......except I'd have to get a seamstress to cinch the shoulders by maybe 3 inches and tighten the chest area by a few inches, too. I'm thoroughly frustrated and honestly a little distraught at sizing issues.

I fit an XL shirt in the little boys section, sometimes just an L. I go in to find fitted shirts and a vest in the men's section and I end up in a SM size. I have rarely been able to fit anything above an XSM in men's clothing. Normally I'm an XXSM in men's but that's hard to find. And women's shirts? I'm a medium (as long as I'm in the petite juniors section). Sometimes I have to up it to L, but there are some occasions where a SM is perfect (AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK).

I don't understand why we can't have universal MEASURED sizes.....like on men's jeans. It makes so much sense and makes everything so much easier. Why the actual fuck do we bother with all this other bullshit? ESPECIALLY in women's clothing. I feel so badly for girls, especially those suffering from EDs, who have to shop and go through what I do every time I shop for clothing. It's a little easier for me coz I shop mostly in the men’s department...but I remember when I was forced to be closeted and had to buy in the women's section and every goddamn shopping trip ended with me in a panic attack by the time I got to the car.

And I just wanted to put it out there.......you guys and gals and whomever inbetween..... your size does not define you. I have horrible anorexia that I am trying so hard to overcome and this sizing bullshit, especially in women's clothing, has fucked me up even worse than when I was a child. When I was in elementary school, I used to eat paper instead of food because I thought you had to eat "something" to exist but I thought eating food would make me fat since my parents were always poking at my tummy and reminding me over and over again that "you can't have that. You'll get fat." or "Are you really going to eat that? You just ate a whole bowl of macaroni yesterday. Why don't you wait until tomorrow." And that's not even including any societal pressures we ALL face.

I'm about 130lbs right now at 5'2". To put that in perspective for sizing.

To everyone who struggles with this..... I feel you. I'm there with you. I don't think I will ever stop being there. You are not alone. Sizing in America is fucked. Idk about other countries, but America is fucked in general so ofc sizing is FUCKED. But you know what?

You are fucking beautiful no matter what you wear. You are a goddess. A god. Whichever you're feeling. Or something inbetween. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are incredible and strong and courageous and you have the power to fucking destroy this pain that eats away at you telling you not to have that coffee from Starbucks this morning because of the calories and sugar content and whatever else.

Finding out I most likely have lupus or have some sort of major liver damage has made me think "You know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Fuck America. Fuck sizing. Fuck trying to stave off all the sodium and calories and fat content and everything else on that label. Fuck reading every content label and scanning it with apps that promote ana and mia. Fuck that." This is coming from a boy who used to have his own pro-ana blog, btw. 

No. Don't fucking go there. Don't let this world and its sizing destroy you. Don't fucking let it. Don't. I'm crying as I'm typing this because I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to everyone else who needs to hear it.

You CAN go out of your house in the morning. You're not “too fat” to leave your apartment. You're not “too fat” to stay locked in your room all day because you feel you're too big to be seen in public. When I don't leave the house, that's the exact reason why. I cannot even TELL YOU how many opportunities in my life I have let slip by me because of that train of thought. "You're too fat and ugly to leave the house today. You need to lock yourself in your room and never be seen again." Don't. Fucking don't. Get out there. Wear what you want. Wear what makes you happy....what makes you comfortable... idc what size you are. Fat is not a bad word. It's not. And the media and society wants you to see it as such and internalize that and kill yourself over it.

Don't. Let. It. Win. Keep fucking fighting.

If you're not comfortable with your body, by all means, take steps to change it if it is medically and chemically possible. But don't risk your life over a number. Or many numbers. Fuck the scale. Fuck sizes. Fuck your self hatred because you're beautiful and I know you may not see that... but you are. Everyone is beautiful in so many different ways.

The quote I like to reference the most is something like: “Just because you don't find yourself attractive doesn't mean other people don't. You just may not be your own type.”

Those people staring at you? They’re admiring something on you. Most people don’t have the courage to just walk up to someone and tell them they’re staring at them because of this or that. Luckily, I don’t have anxiety issues so I can just go right up to people and be like “Yo, I’m so sorry if you saw me staring at you, but your hair is legit just mesmerizing. Like. I’m really sorry I was staring. It’s just so gorgeous. What dye did you use?” Most people can’t do that and I know. I’ve never dealt with anxiety myself, but I do deal with panic attacks and I cannot function at all if I’m having an internal or external panic attack (my attacks are purely physical, hence Panic Disorder and not any sort of anxiety spectrum). So I mean, I get it to an extent. But just know... most people don’t do what I do. They silently stare at you and try not to catch your eye because they’re ADMIRING SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. Ngl, not 100% of the time. . .but I’d say a good 98% of the time, that’s the case.

So you go out there. . .you be you. . .and you be fierce. Because you’re awesome, you’re gorgeous, and I believe in you. So many others do, too.

((I needed to write this for myself, but I guess I wanted to make it public for anyone else struggling. So. . .here. Coz I mean it.))

[covid19updater]

COVID19 UPDATES 04/01/2020

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

MORNING:

UK: Britain didn't properly prepare for coronavirus testing because it planned to rely on discredited 'herd immunity' strategy, claims leading scientist. Professor Devi Sridhar said UK Government had been following wrong advice Britain is still not mass testing and gave up on contact tracing as cases surged

NYC: Rikers island prison is offering prisoners 6 dollars/ hr to dig mass graves in NYC. LINK

Kentucky: Coronavirus patient put on house arrest for refusing ‘stay-at-home’ order LINK

RUMINT: In my 7 days on one of our (now 12!) non ICU #COVID19 units, I admitted 58 patients for COVID rule out, of whom 50 tested positive. Two died (DNR), 2 went to hospice, and 5 went to the ICU. That is… not my typical gen med service week. SEE MORE AT LINK

US: Trump predicts a very painful two weeks US President Donald Trump has predicted that the United States will face "two very, very painful weeks". "This is a plague," Trump said at a news conference.  "The wave is coming and it is getting pretty strong," he added.

Spain: Spain's daily death toll reaches another record high Spain has seen 864 deaths related to the coronavirus in a day, a new record in a 24-hour period for the country, the health ministry says. The national death toll is at 9,053. There have been 102,136 confirmed cases.

Washington: Washington state has not released an update on the number of coronavirus cases since Sunday because its system is "overwhelmed." As a result, there's only limited data from local officials

World: Some figures in G20 are calling for a “one world government” to deal with COVID19. LINK

India: Two resident doctors of Safdarjung Hospital in Delhi test positive for COVID-19: Official sources

RUMINT (Mississippi): One of the things I'm worried about. I had another coworker quit yesterday due to the lack of concern from our hospital. They say we only need a surgical mask and goggles to care for POSITIVE patients. Um, no. Nurses are going to start walking in droves to other jobs and then the public will be screwed. We are not leaving the profession, just getting off the front lines.

US: "My advice to America would be that these guidelines are a national stay-at-home order."— U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams

Texas: Ellen and John were together for more than 50 years. Their true love story interrupted too soon by the coronavirus. LINK

UK: Some especially grim numbers from the UK today which is reporting 4,324 new cases and 563 deaths. This is the worst daily numbers so far. The totals are now 29,474 cases and 2,352 deaths.

Sweden: 500 new cases of #Coronavirus and 59 new deaths in Sweden Total reaches 4,947 confirmed cases and 239 deaths

RUMINT: I spoke to two Senior White House Officials this am. Both made it clear when #coronavirus spike passes the administration will take the gloves off on #China. One explained: “Trump is furious and wants action.”

Canada: Two men slain on rural Alberta road were hunting to feed their families after COVID-19 layoffs LINK

AFTERNOON:

Belgium: 90 year old Woman dies from #coronavirus in Belgium after refusing a ventilator and telling doctors: 'I had a good life, keep this for the younger'

China: BREAKING: China has concealed the extent of the coronavirus outbreak in its country, under-reporting both total cases and deaths, the U.S. intelligence community concluded in a classified report

Canada: 'Best case scenario': COVID-19 measures expected to last until July, government document says LINK

Italy: When the singing stops, trouble starts. LINK

Italy:  #BREAKING: Italy has confirmed 4782 new #coronavirus cases and 727 new deaths, raising the country's total to 110,574 with 13.155 confirmed deaths (Note: Yesterday Italy confirmed 4,053 new #coronavirus cases and 837 new deaths)

US: MIKE PENCE just now: "We think Italy may be the most comparable area to the United States at this point."

New York: NEW YORK STATEWIDE CORONAVIRUS CASES INCREASES TO 83,712, UP FROM 75,795 FROM A DAY EARLIER - GOVERNOR CUOMO NEW YORK STATEWIDE CORONAVIRUS DEATHS INCREASES TO 1,941, UP FROM 1,550 A DAY EARLIER - GOVERNOR CUOMO

New York: "The NYPD has to get more aggressive," @NYGovCuomo on enforcing social distancing.

NYC: NYPD considers DOA teams to pick up dead LINK

Philippines: Philippines leader Duterte tells police, military to shoot unruly quarantine violators LINK

Georgia:  Georgia jumped to 4638 cases today

Turkmenistan: Turkmenistan bans use of word 'coronavirus,' threatens jail for anyone wearing a mask: watchdog group LINK

Florida:  #BREAKING-- FL Gov. @GovRonDeSantis will be issuing exec. order today for ALL Floridians to stay at home, except for essential activity. "That order will be coming out momentarily...it will be going into effect tomorrow at midnight." @NBCNews

World: WHO's Tedros: “deeply concerned” about the “rapid escalation and global spread” of the coronavirus outbreak, saying global infections will eclipse 1 million with 50,000 deaths in a few days.

Georgia: Fulton county GA is voting on an order to command residents to stay home or face 1k fine.

New Jersey: N.J. GOVERNOR SAYS `BEGUN CONVERSATION' ON PLACES TO STORE DEAD

France: France - 4,861 new cases of #coronavirus and 509 new deaths. Hospitalized 24,639 (+1,882): 6,017 in intensive care (+452). Recovered 10,935 (+1,491). 34% under 60yo; 80 patients under 30yo. Total of 56,989 cases, total deaths 4,032

World: Conservative lawyer sues Chinese government over coronavirus outbreak LINK

US: @USNorthernCmd chief Gen O'Shaughnessy says the US military is planning to increase its presence on US southern #border amid #COVIDー19 pandemic to protect nation from possible COVID + migrants. (540 additional troops will deploy "very soon" adds Army North commander

EVENING:

World: Coronavirus can infect cats — dogs not so much LINK

California: Los Angeles County - 513 new cases, bringing the total in the county to 3,518 - 5 new cases are among the homeless population - 79% of positives cases are 18-65 years old; that's remained constant

Japan: Update: Starting from April 2, 2020 at 11:00AM (EST), Foreign Nationals traveling from the US will be denied permission to enter Japan until further notice.

US: Nearly 300 Homeland Security employees test positive for coronavirus

Brazil: So far today, Brazil has reported 1,119 new cases of coronavirus and 39 new deaths, raising total to 6,836 cases and 240 dead

World: U.N., WHO AND WTO WARN OF FOOD SHORTAGE IF COUNTRIES IMPOSE TRADE RESTRICTIONS - WAPO

US: NEW: The Strategic National Stockpile is deploying the last round of shipments in its inventory, depleting the bulk of its protective gear, according to a source familiar. (reporting from CNN's Kristen Holmes) #coronavirus #COVID19

US: U.S GOVERNMENT HAS REQUESTED 100 000 BODY BAGS, PENTAGON WILL DRAW SOME INITIALLY FROM STOCKPILE OF 50 000 IT MAINTAINS - BLOOMBERG. FEMA hasn’t given a specific delivery date request for the 100,000 bodybags, but the agency wants them as soon as they’re ready,

NYC: New York City's empty hotel rooms (85 percent are unoccupied) are going to be used as hospital rooms for those who don't need ICU, says head of city's public hospital system. Plan calls for 10,000 beds across 20 hotels.

Georgia: Breaking: 47 long-term care facilities in Georgia have COVID-19 outbreaks that the state is investigating, Georgia Health Commissioner Kathleen Toomey said today.

Illinois: #Chicago officials say 20 employees with the #Fire Dept. and 50 with the #Police Dept. have tested positive for #COVID19. But the Lightfoot administration won't identify the units in which they were working. Cops wants to know so they can take precautions.

US: Trump adviser working with WH officials on messaging for pandemic said Trump “took a gamble” that warmer weather would cause Coronavirus to dissipate, siding with aides pushing back on dire warnings coming from doctors. "He took a gamble and got it wrong,” adviser said.

Germany: Coronavirus in Germany: - 77,921 confirmed cases - 925 confirmed deaths - 6,113 new cases today - 150 new deaths today - 3,408 critical cases today (2,675 yesterday) Today is Germany's worst day since the outbreak has begun.

Louisiana: New Orleans East Hospital nurse dies from COVID-19 complications

[cosmosogler]

hey guys. i had bad dreams and a lot of trouble sleeping!!! i woke up a bunch of times and every time i was tangled up in my pjs. my pants had somehow become backwards at the waist.

when i did get up i reached up to stretch and my shoulders, like, clicked back into place with an audible snap. i can’t tell if that hurts or not.

i was a little slow to get moving. while i was checking facebook this morning snoopy pooped next to my desk. i was pretty annoyed about that, especially since this was right after i’d fawned over her for a while. i’d only stopped because she got up to get water and i thought she was done being petted.

i showered and spent a long time in there just thinking. i don’t know what i was thinking about. i guess i was thinking about thinking in the shower. either way, it was a while.

then i made a quiche i’d bought yesterday. i think it may have made me sick. the cashier at the grocery store hadn’t put it in my freezer bag... along with the eggs. something in there doesn’t smell quite right but i haven’t found it yet. no, it’s not the eggs.

i was doing something but i don’t remember what it was!!! at 10:40 ish, or 11, somewhere in between there, i started packing for school. i decided i should probably dole out my trail mix rations finally since i’ve had the jar sitting in my pantry for 6 weeks. i love trail mix. not sure why i never took the time to separate it into servings. i even just enjoyed the process of measuring out 1/2 cups and putting them in bags to put in my lunch box over the next two weeks.

i biked over to campus but i was very leisurely about it. just didn’t have the drive to pedal as fast as i could i guess. good thing the physics building is downhill. i don’t quite have the stamina to stand on the pedals but i am trying to practice a little bit. getting pretty good at sharper turns at least, and i can hold my arm out to signal for a whole second now instead of just kinda... waving it and grabbing the handlebar again real fast.

and no part of me has gotten snagged in the pedals or chain in a week so that’s good!!!

once i got to my office i had a little trouble getting started with my work. i think it took 40-45 minutes... i again do not remember what i was doing other than browsing the internet. fatigued.

i did work for an hour before i stopped for lunch. i finished studying my class notes and adjusting a few things to account for understanding the material a little better. i wish i’d been more careful about transcribing what the professor had written previously... i left a few frustrated notes about how i couldn’t hear what he said, or his handwriting was too bad to make out, or how he’d written half an equation on the board and not ever finished it. but a few things i could have made better note of- like the slant of the tensor indices. i didn’t realize that was important until much later.

i do ask him to clarify sometimes, if i can’t read whether a word says “sine” or “mmnmnn”. and his Vs look like Ns. that REALLY trips me up because we use both of those a lot.

but i can’t ask every time.

i talked to suzanne about having all the grad students upload their class notes into an online database so we’d all have all the information we’d collectively written down. she said that’s actually a great idea and we have a scanner in the department for people who write in real old fashioned notebooks (like me). 

might run it by luis and taylor later... one of them could probably help me set up some kind of dropbox or google doc collection.

my lunch was pretty great. i had a sandwich and a banana and had a terrible stomachache but felt a little more settled after the banana. i had to try real hard not to puke though for like an hour.

after that i finished my classical assignment due tomorrow. it took about an hour too. and another 40-ish minutes sprinkled through the rest of the day making small corrections as i discovered why i shouldn’t include a factor of 2 here and there.

suzanne watched me try to explain one of the problems to harrison and corrected me a few times when i got confused by terms i’d heard her use when she explained it to me. it got me flustered at the time because harrison looked like i was making it worse but at the same time i’m glad i had to articulate what exactly the problem was asking for and get my course adjusted right away as soon as i made a mistake.

still not quite sure what “geometric analysis” means, especially in comparison to, i think it was, “numerical analysis.” both of those involve popping variables into equations and making substitutions and getting an answer. 

at about 2:30 i walked over to the union with suzanne and jennica in the rain. i was half under suzanne’s umbrella so when we got inside half of me was immediately cold and soggy. one sleeve of my shirt was just soaked but the rest was lightly sprinkled or just dry.

i’m wearing one of my favorite shirts today. it’s soft and gray and loose and it says in big white letters “DON’T BOTHER ME     I’M BUSY” and there’s minions posing. 

not sure what the minions are doing there but their frozen screams of karate rage match my mood at all times so i will allow it.

i’ve had this shirt for years. i wear it like literally every laundry cycle.

anyway i sat with my two classmates and talked about sand while they ate wendy’s. i don’t quite remember what started the tangent, but it involved me telling a joke about body surfing with my brother and getting slapped around by the waves and dragged along the beach haha.

when we walked back it wasn’t really raining any more. i originally didn’t mind the rain until it got ice cold over the span of three seconds. but anyway i got right back to it!!! i think. i mostly ate trail mix for a little bit and goofed off with harrison and talked about the classical homework. suzanne wants to work on the last two quantum problems tomorrow so i let that assignment be for now.

i compiled all the questions we’ve been assigned in classical so far and their solutions. i printed out just the questions from the first assignment to take home with me. i meant to work on it tonight but i ran out of time. that took forever though. i joked about it to harrison. i said “it’s so great to be working on a project that is not really doing actual practice problems.” 

he said “yeah, i love dicking around instead of working.”

i said “that’s what it’s all about!”

i was kinda bummed that doing the homework took so long... and none of us had ANY energy at all. luis didn’t even come in. taylor came in in the mid-afternoon but then didn’t actually sit and do any work. rebika left before that. jennica was... riding up and down the hallway in an office chair flopping her arms around like a terrifying crab woman. 

we’re tired.

eventually i was getting ready to leave when jennica wanted to talk about pirates for like 15 minutes. we ended up on pseudo-politics. not actually talking about any issues in particular, but rather how we approach them. i started getting pretty dark thoughts so i hopped on my bike and went home. 

i mean, they weren’t any darker than the joke i’d made earlier. 

taylor had said something. harrison replied, “who are you, my mother? if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?”

i laughed and said “absolutely. of course, the joke is that i would have done it without all my friends. jumped off the bridge, i mean.”

we talked about how high the bridge was, and if it was over water or not. there were a couple “it doesn’t matter how high it was as long as you believe in yourself” comments because taylor was involved with the conversation.

anyway i offered to make muffins later in the week and then i went home at 6:30-ish. at 7:00 i started making TEMPEH TACOS!!!!

they were so good. oh man. i only exploded one thing too. i actually ate the entire meal even though it was way too much. i cleaned up the dishes bloated and happy and everything smelled like limes. because i’d put like a quarter cup of lime juice in with with the crumbled tempeh. which was only a big enough serving for one person.

i bummed around on the internet for a while after that, and then at about 9:30 i got back to work for a little bit. i made a complete rubric for the labs i gotta grade, so hopefully now it will be faster and more cut and dry. at about 10:10 i started writing here.

looking at my to-do list... i didn’t get as much done as i would have liked. things always seem to take twice as long as i plan for, even when i feel like i’m allocating a generous time slot to relatively minor things. like giving myself a full hour to finish half a classical problem that specifically asks for no (dynamical) equations. all i had to do was draw a triangle and do some trigonometry with suzanne.

being a master avoider has some downsides. like even when i want to focus on a project my brain is sneaky about avoiding it. which is why i spent 80 minutes putting together an easy reference for doing the practice problems instead of actually doing practice problems.

at least i recognized all the questions and had a vague idea of how i would go about solving them. i’m really, really hoping it doesn’t take twelve hours to do one old assignment like it did the first time around.

looks like grading will have to slide this week. i can do it for a little while every day but there’s no way i can get it all done on monday and get enough sleep to do my best on the exam on tuesday night.

i don’t WANT to screw around all the time. but it seems like that’s what keeps happening.

and no matter how much work i get done i should always have gotten MORE done.

something good about me today was MY AMAZING, FANTASTIC COOKING PROJECT. IT WAS SO GOOD YOU GUYS. IT WAS SO GOOD!!! it’s not quite what i remember making back at home a few months ago, but it was great in its own way and i think making the tacos either way will do it for me! maybe a little less lime juice next time. maybe that’s what was overpowering the earthy nuttiness of the tempeh. i even sauteed the onions for a little bit to take the edge off and that helped a lot toward making the crumbled tempeh taste more complete and less like a collection of onions and chili powder and limes. 

oh! and i came up with a great way to avoid the Onion Tears. i put my fan next to my cutting board and had it blow the fumes out the window while i chopped. snoopy sat on the ottoman and watched me.

i think cooking a nice, for real meal for myself every now and then does a lot toward lifting my mood. i wish i had time to do it more often. even just putting my freezer stuff in the oven instead of the microwave can do a lot for the texture even though it takes four times as long.

i’m not sure how i got so good at this. maybe part of it is that my own food just tastes better because i know how much work i put into it. *i* went out and bought the stuff. *i* chopped up all the onions and the tempeh and boiled it. *i* set aside the serving i wasn’t using for leftovers later. *i* spent 35 minutes putting everything together. part of the flavor is just feeling good about making this thing for yourself.

but even the stuff i’d make at home mom seemed to like at least. 

part of it might be that i know what a lot of things taste like and how much god dang chili powder i love to have on everything. and it’s kind of easy to judge from the smell how much, comparatively, of that thing i should put into my pan. i have a decent sense of smell. raised by dogs and all that.

and half the fun is realizing you don’t have something and improvising with what you do have. and seeing what happens when you do that. 

and dumping piles and piles of chipotle rub you stole from your mom’s pampered chef set on everything.

by “stole” i mean she said “you can have this one and i’ll order a new one. and then another new one for myself.”

i wish i had more cooking vocabulary. i don’t have anyone to talk to about it and i don’t really know... what kinds of words to use when i do talk about it? like until a few hours ago i wasn’t really sure what the difference between “saute” and “fry” was. still not quite sure why “broil” is different from “bake.” 

kind of feels like when i was at home and i didn’t have anyone to talk to about physics for eight months. and kind of feels like when i like a tv show and don’t have anyone to talk to about it for years. you get out of practice.

anyway it’s 11:15 and i’d like to be in bed real soon so i can start getting up early like a normal person again. if i get up at 8 the sun’s been up too long already and i’ve woken up like five times because it comes right through the window directly into my eyeballs. 

[finsterhund]

First impressions of sleep clinic

yeah it’s super long. TLDR I am doing the test at the clinic after all! Turns out the actual people who work there are nice and good and kind.

Very nice looking building but completely inaccessible. Especially by bus, especially with ice on the pavement. Getting from the closest bus stop to the clinic is a death trap across a broken up busy road with its crosswalks entirely faded. Big trucks driving past. Lots of ice on the sidewalk so had to walk on the road. If I had to use a mobility aid getting here would be entirely impossible. At least during the winter and without a car.

Had to switch buses several times to get here too. Two hours total. Meant I had to get up way too early. If I fall asleep during my sleep study intake appointment do I automatically fail?

Desk receptionist super nice. Like super super super nice. Very nice with intake form. Said about my stuffed animals and that the doctor will make an exception. And that the policy was stupid. So even the people who work here know that. Knew who Spot (Eric Hill) was. Talked about my Spot for a bit.

There is no wifi here. I have to wait for thirty minutes until my appointment actually starts.

Despite how evil the paperwork and robot calls were it is very very nice here. The actual workers here are super kind.

If I'm allowed light and stuffed animals I may actually do the test here and not bring a machine home.

I'm so relieved that once I got to interact with the actual people here they're good. I was so scared that since their policies online and phone calls were awful that they'd be as well but the workers are actually nice.

There's 10 minutes until my appointment to talk in-depth with two doctors so we will see.

Anxious but feeling a lot better knowing there's regular people here and not just unfeeling machines.

Also they measured my height and I grew one centimeter since the last time I measured my height.

I am still a manlet though.

I inexplicably have tummy pain. Probably stress. It gets worse when I'm more stressed so I'm pretty sure that's what it is.

I wish this was all over and done with still. I want to look at the animation Warden made me some more. I have the render of Spot saved to my phone though so I can look at that.

I just want to go back home and go back to sleep and snuggle my stuffed animals and watch YouTube and post memes and relax and maybe get McDonald's because I have craved quarter pounder BLT for approximately one week.

I wish I had the cuddle clone right now.

Five minutes until appointment now. Apparently it will be two hours long. OOF. OOF OOF OOF.

The only problem with this facility is it is the most boring ass adult looking ass facility I've ever seen. Nothing but boring magazines to read, the interior decorator is afraid of color, the chairs are these uncomfy black squares. There's nothing to do and I am incredibly bored. At least it is bright and clean. These are both very good positives.

One minute left. Good. Good good good.

Talked to the first doctor. As I expected that consisted of asking everything that was already on the massive book of paper work that I had filled out. But they were super nice. Will be accommodating my stuffed animals but possibly not the light. Fear.

I mentioned I might not be able to sleep at all and they said that was expected but they'd still get data about brain waves and stuff.

I got to see the sleep rooms. They are super nice looking but the blankets don't look too comfortable. Definitely not sterile medical blankets though so the weird "stuffed animals are a health concern" makes even less sense because obviously they need to switch out the blankets anyways.

I had to describe my night terrors which I absolutely hate doing because it involves talking about my birth father. I was fortunately not expected to go into explicit detail about reoccurring theming in them though thankfully. Also asked if I was abused as a child (as if that wasn't obvious) and I also hate talking about the specifics so I just said my default "I don't wanna talk about it" statement which is "my mother was neglectful and my birth father should be in prison" which gets the message across pretty well I think while also doesn't invade my privacy.

I am all jittery but also yawning and wish I could sleep.

Why can't they do the test right now lol?

Well as it turns out this is to specifically test how I sleep at night. Not during the day. So I'd be getting a good sleep in the day and thus skewing the results.

I wish I had something to eat right now I am hungry.

So so hungry.

I had the thought that during the sleep test I won't have food so unless I get to eat right before coming I will be hungry as well.

I wish access to meals was more regular.

I keep thinking about the quarter pounder BLT. Damn you McDonald's.

So I'm anxious about the sleep test, I'm sleepy, I wish I could go home, I'm hungry. I'm anxious about food for both right now and tomorrow, and I just am on edge in general. But this appointment has been going much better than I was expecting.

Also I mean it when I said the interior decorator hates color. The most colorful things here are the electrode nodes (they showed me it was cool) and the kleenex box on the table.

There's a decorative pot on the table but instead of fake plants it's got coffee stir sticks in it. I'm dead fucking serious. There's a wicker basket full of dead branches on the floor. I long for green. Where is the green?

THERE ARE FLOWERS IN THE OTHER WAITING ROOM

I REPEAT

They're these ugly white things that remind me of the dreaded menace known as cauliflower but they're there.

Also the cancellation fee for this appointment is 200 dollars.

But for the overnight one?

FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS

FIVE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS.

I can't have iced tea after noon tomorrow.

Hell world hell world hell world

There are blue walls in the bathroom!!

We have blue! I repeat!! We have blue!!!

Okay so I will get to bring a nightlight

I will also be bringing multiple dogs and they will decide which one I get to sleep with. I am bringing:

Whisky

Fishy Tiny

Sunny

And one of the new mini-Spots I got yesterday.

I am anticipating that because the mini-Spots are small and literally brand new that that one will be chosen. Smaller than I'd prefer but they look like Spot which is its own important superpower to have.

One thing that did piss me off and I wish I would have gotten a picture of it is a piece of paper saying how best to sleep that was up in the meeting room. It was all ableist/neurotypical stuff that failed to take things like hypersensitivity, financial class, and personal comfort into account.

The last points were literally "animals ruin your sleep there is no reason to have an animal in the bedroom"

And "light distracts you." The classic nyctophile propaganda.

The first one is especially insulting. How come sleeping with another human is okay but sleeping with a companion animal isn't? That's bullshit. I would sleep soundly with a pupper. I know full well that this is something I can have my service dog trained to assist me with is deep pressure therapy when lying down. I've seen videos of PTSD service dog treatment that the dog is used to combat the night terrors. Why is the drugs I take accepted but the dog not? Insulting. I'm pretty sure my dog will be a better solution than continuing to increase my dose would be.

Also I hate that it was all "the only thing you should do in your bedroom is sleep and (gross adult stuff)" like what if I can't fucking afford my own apartment and my bedroom IS my ENTIRE living space? Ok boomer.

A lot of this feels like an Ok boomer moment to be honest. The papers are outdated bullcrap but the actual young adult doctors here are smart and know what's up. Every doctor has been smart and accessible and kind. Even if the paperwork has been some of the most insulting crap I've read.

"ThERe iS nO rEAsoN tO hAvE aN AnIMaL in YoUR bEDroOM." Shut up. Idiot.

So I was out all day. Then we went to the book store and found something to show Warden. Then my phone died. I was hungry but the sandwiches there by themselves costed as much as a full meal at a fast food restaurant. So that's not worth it.

So the only thing I had to eat all day was three carrot sticks.

Then we went home and I am super tired.

I hope we get something to eat tonight.

I am napping now.

[ecotone99]

[MS] Life Statistics

"What the hell is that?" I asked myself while staring in total disbelief at my phone. On it, a strange app called LifeScore displayed its home screen. Its logo was written in white font on a dark blue background. I ran my hand through my hair and felt the scar on the side of my head. I can't believe how lucky I am to have survived a brain tumor with a guarantee that it won't grow back. I tapped on Start and was greeted with a video in which a dark haired male, who I estimated to be in his late twenties to early thirties with impeccable features and dressed in a dark gray suit and trousers, white shirt and red tie, apparently described what I allegedly had installed on my phone.

"Welcome to the game of life. Now before you continue, watch this short video first. Have you ever wondered how well you measure up to your own standards and to those around you? Have you ever asked yourself how people really think and feel about you and get anxious at the mere thought that they actually don't like you at all? How many times have you asked your friends about a new acquaintance and if he or she can be trusted? If that sounds like you, don't worry. You are human after all, and definitely not the only person thinking about such things on a daily basis and, therefore, it is my mission as the messenger of truth to answer these questions.

Treat life as a game. If you have ever played video games before, you have encountered statistics of your scores at every level of the game. Life is very similar to that. You are currently at the first level, the physical one, where our powers are limited to what our bodies can achieve. There are still three levels ahead of you, supernatural presence, purgatory and judgment. Each come with their own challenges to overcome with the last being the deciding level whether you win or lose.

Level 1 revolves mainly around building relationships with other humans and walking the path to self actualization. You have reached the end of level 1 and this app will show you how well you have fared. Please note that your scores in this level will have an effect on the succeeding levels. If you scored low, you will have more difficulties from thereon. You ask why you haven't received this game as a child to get better scores. The truth is that life is all about being yourself and preparation would lead to the results being less genuine.

I give you two days to review your scores and seek explanations to them as well as to prepare yourself for the next level. Whether you wish to wait or advance to level 2 immediately is at your discretion. You will no longer remember this app by that time. See you there. Good luck."

The video closed and my full name was displayed on the screen above a button reading "Score". I tap the button and the app instantly loads statistics that read "Relationships" under which were several categories like "Most Liked By" "Loved By" "Most Hated By" "Most Prolific Liar" "Talks Behind Your Back The Most" and "Secret Enemies Who Sabotaged Your Life" Below that is a self-assessment score that shows how much of these results have been my fault. Another page showed "Career" under which there were more categories, namely "Missed Opportunities" "Successes" and "Failures". Under that was another self-assessment score showing how much of the above could be attributed to me or to other people. The app listed names and occurrences that I have never shared on any social medium. It couldn't know such things. It must all be made up. Brian is my best friend, yet he hates me and talks behind my back to his buddies and dates Melissa who was supposed to be my date. And she hates me as well and only loves the free stuff that I buy for her. Lana, my unfriendly and irritable boss actually loves me? She insults me whenever she can. That's just ridiculous.

I swear by my mother's grave that I haven't downloaded such a pretentious and comically imperious...thing. This has to be a very elaborately created virus. Ha, but the guy is stupid enough to show his face. Being the tech savvy guy I am, I regularly check downloaded files and know if something uninvited is in there. After finding nothing on my phone and on Play Store as well, I turned to the internet. No such app could be found but there were lots of reports of people having received it. One of them, named Kevin McLeod, claimed that the statistics were true after talking to the people who secretly loved or hated him. He had a Facebook account and I sent him a message. Half an hour later came a reply.

"Hi James. Yes its all true. The accuracy is mind boggling. When did you get it?"

"About an hour ago. And you?"

"Yesterday at 7:45 in the morning. "

"What does it mean that I get to supernatural presence in two days?"

"Basically you die to roam the earth as a ghost."

"Hahaha"

"I know its funny. No one can predict when we die save for God or Satan himself."

"How did they get all the data then?"

"Technology is so far advanced that it's hard to understand how it works. Those people mentioned in your app may have shared something about you and their AI came to its conclusions. "

"Alright, I'll have to see how this thing works out. Thanks for chatting"

"No problem. See you"

I'm not really a believer in God or Satan. There has to be another explanation. I took a shower, ate breakfast, got into my car and drove to the office as if nothing happened. En route, I stopped by the local shopping mall to buy myself some snacks and drinks in preparation for the long working hours. When I went to the restroom I heard a familiar voice.

"James is such an idiot. He dates Melissa and thinks she loves him. Everyone but him knows that she only loves his money and that she comes to me every night to get horny. She wants a real man not some wimp who talks about shit no one gives a fuck about. He deserves it if you ask me." I decided to enter the restroom and Brian saw me. "Hey, James what's up?" Without answering his question I took a swing at him with my fist hitting his cheek with a satisfying clap. Brian stumbled backwards and other restroom users separated us to prevent a full blown fistfight. "You'll regret that, asshole!" Brian snarled and spat out a tooth and some blood.

At the office, I couldn't concentrate on work. The incident at the shopping mall still made its rounds in my head. Maybe those scores weren't made up after all. In comparison to Melissa, my boss, Lana, is an angel. The only unattractive thing about her is her demeanor. I got up from my desk and went to the door of Lana's office. I knocked softly. "Yes. Come in." I entered the office and was greeted with the usual cold stare.

"Make it quick."

"Boss, I have something to tell you. I don't mind if you'll fire me, I won't be able to change that. Ever since I have worked here, I have felt something for you and I can't hold it back now. I feel that I have to tell you because it has a negative impact on my productivity. "

The ice melted. For the first time since I have worked here, she smiled. Not a fake one but a genuinely sweet smile. She looked at me like a loyal puppy, nodded and said "Yes, I've felt it too. I'm sorry for treating you the way I did but I had to do it to keep the employees in line." "I understand. Would you like to have a coffee with me after work?" Her smile widened and she nodded. She is a thousand times prettier when she smiled. Her dark, flowing hair, gray eyes and ageless face accentuate her smile. I realized for the first time how pretty she actually was. Prettier than Melissa ever could have been.

Later that afternoon, when I was with Lana at a local cafe, I showed her LifeScore and asked her if there was a possibility that an AI could know things one keeps to himself. She has studied computer science so she must know. "It's impossible. The only way they can create a profile of you is if you voluntarily share something over a communication device, even if its in a private call, SMS or chat. This is very strange considering that I haven't told anyone that I had feelings for you". "I wouldn't have guessed either" I replied and she laughed, playfully slapping my arm.

I woke up in the middle of the night and quietly got out of bed careful not to wake Lana up. I sat on my computer and opened Facebook. Kevin McLeod was online so I sent him a message.

"Hi. It's true what you've said this morning. I'm really thankful to receive the truth."

"That's great"

"Do you believe in God or Satan?"

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

"I'm starting to believe as well. I'm not a believer but I just can't explain what has happened today. "

"Faith fills the gap between the truth and the limit of our knowledge, my friend"

"I guess so. What is your theory on this LifeScore app?"

"If we're to die in two days as promised, it is a ploy by Lucifer to get more souls. We are given those scores in order to judge the people mentioned in them, to harm them if they hate us. We are not supposed to judge others. Only God can do that. When we judge, we commit the deadly sin of pride, thus, giving Lucifer a valid reason to send us to hell. I've asked some people mentioned in the app about their feelings. They haven't shared them. This has nothing to do with technology anymore. This app is supernatural. No human can create an untraceable app, let alone discover deeply held secrets that we're supposed to take to our graves. Have you watched the news recently?"

"No."

"All people complaining about LifeScore died. They just collapsed because of an aneurysm or something if they didn't kill themselves first. I know it's my turn tomorrow."

"Don't be afraid"

"I'm not, believe me. I won't be dying. I haven't judged the people on my stats."

"Alright then. Good luck and I hope to chat again."

"Sure. No problem. Good night"

The next morning, I woke up on an empty bed. Lana left early but left a note beside me. "See you at the office. Pretend like nothing happened. I love you XOXO" Later at the office, I opened Facebook and sent a message to Kevin. "Hey what's up?" He wasn't answering despite being online. I went to the cafeteria and ordered a coffee and a bagel. The attendant turned on the television and switched to the local news. "...terrible vehicular accident at 7:45 this morning. 32 year old Kevin McLeod from Chicago, Illinois apparently fell asleep behind the wheel of his black Toyota Corolla. The vehicle unexpectedly changed lanes and frontally collided with a semi-trailer truck at high speed, killing McLeod instantly. In other news, brain tumor surgeries have reached an all time high since five years ago..." Shocked and in total disbelief I went back to my cubicle. ...claimed the statistics were true after talking to the people who secretly loved or hated him. He did judge them. So did I. I'm as condemned as he was to burn in hell.

I left work early today, drawing a concerned look from Lana who sensed that something was wrong. I told her that I needed some time to think and she secretly gave me a day off. I went to my apartment building, greeted the receptionist as always and, in absentmindedness slipped on the newly wiped stairs in the lobby. My vision spun as I tumbled down the steps before a sharp pain on the side of my head plunged everything into darkness.

My eyes fluttered open and noticed a shape in front of me. Dark, flowing hair. Lana. She was sitting on the bed. As my eyes adjusted to the surroundings and my vision became clearer, I saw the smile that I had missed for so long. Tears were in her eyes. "Welcome back" she whispered. I mustered a smile as well. "How long have I been here?" "It's been three days". Wow, I didn't die. Divine intervention I guess. She ran her hand through her hair and over the scar on the side of her head. "What happened?" "Oh that? I had a brain tumor a couple of years ago. I got lucky." I suddenly had a flashback of Brian while we played basketball. He fell and hit his head and was bleeding badly. I treated his wound. The scar on the side of his head. I have one too. They all look identical and are on the exact same spot. No, I never had a tumor. "Lana, have a CT scan performed on you. Please trust me."

"They removed the chip. He was supposed to be terminated tomorrow. Call the boss."

"Goddammit, I knew we'll be busted sooner or later. The boss should have waited until the MindVision project was perfected. All those deaths are unnecessary, we could selectively wipe memories instead of detonating micro charges."

"The network isn't stable enough to keep the app running on our servers for more than two days before the chip fails. We can't risk exposure. Call the boss."

"Sir, we have a situation. Subject no. 225, James Saunders, had an accident today. He fell down a flight of stairs and suffered a concussion. The doctors found the chip during the CT scan and removed it. "

"Is he still alive?"

"Yes."

"Send someone to take care of him and the doctor who found the chip. Retrieve the chip and bring it back. Prepare to shut the program down."

"Consider it done, sir."

"I can't believe it. How could anyone do such a thing?" Lana said in disbelief while staring at the shiny metallic pellet, not much larger than a grain of rice. "Mars Industries" was engraved in tiny letters on the side. A male nurse came in and changed the IV bag. Shortly thereafter, hospital security barged in and tackled him to the ground. "Sorry for the disturbance but he isn't who he's supposed to be." "What happened?" "He killed two people. The nurse whom this ID and uniform belonged to and Dr. Strauss, who performed surgery on both of you. I guess you were supposed to be next." I thanked him for saving our lives. He nodded and dragged a handcuffed hitman out of the room.

"I guess this is the beginning then" Lana joked. "Let's say a rebirth instead".

Mars Industries. Your days are numbered.

submitted by /u/NeuroticMartian [link] [comments] via Blogger http://bit.ly/2Wkl4mb

[roycruisesthebaltic]

Friday May 22 09:34 mid flight Syd to Mel

Very busy prior to today getting things done and Anne with her business and uni work. Bed last night at 23:00 finished packing. Up at 05:45 and had lots to do before leaving the house at 07:00 15 minutes behind schedule. Drove to Liana who drove us to the airport. Plane delayed about 40 minutes due Melbourne weather. Another scissors confiscated but no fluids nor toothpaste this time. ETA Mel. about 10:15. Jetstar A321 a little squashy but only for 1 hour.

14:35 downtown Melbourne

Hotel across the road from the airport just a short walk. Btw Jetstar took carry on luggage down to the cargo bay and we were lucky not to be charged. We are at the hotel today and leave for Hong Kong tomorrow at 07:25. How convenient just a walk across the road from the hotel.

We caught the sky bus into town. Walked around had lunch, window shopped. Free tram from Spencer St outlet mall to Bourke Street. Currently having another coffee, to wake up and kill time. The chocolate and cake shops are very tempting but we are resisting, not sure about resistance on the cruise in a week or so. It's quite cool here in Melbourne and the jacket I brought may not quite cut the mustard so we bought a jumper from an outlet shop. Coffee at Myers.

Dinner was at Triim a Mediterranean restaurant in Hardware lane. Read my review on trip adviser (anneroy contributor). Free tram back to Spencer St interchange. Then skybus back to Park Royal airport. Watching Eurovision. Tomorrow flight to Hong Kong departs 07:40. Wake up call at 05:00

Sat May 23 07:35

Email during the night to say flight delayed so we slept till 6. Dressed, packed, checked out and walked to airport. Currently having breakfast.

Sun May 24 16:25

Comfortable seat that lies flat, daytime flight so movies. Interstellar and John Wick. Too much food. Smooth flight only a couple of times to fasten seat belt. Installed SIM card into my phone. Arrived Hong Kong delayed docking due weather. Lucky flight was not diverted to Malaysia or China due weather. Easy quick transit though arrivals. MTR train to Kowloon HK$140 then free airport shuttle to Salisbury YMCA hotel. All too easy. Upgrade to view of harbour. Dropped bags in room then walked to Marianne jeweller. Most shops closed so back to hotel, fruit in our room for dinner and early night. Up early, bought coffee downstairs and took back to room. Fruit for breakfast. Walked 1st to tailor chose material and measured up for suit. Last time 2010 and 5 centimetres thinner now. Then to Jeweller Marianne, then a haircut and shave. Lunch across the road. Anne bought watch and hand bag. Currently Coffee in hotel cafe. Plan to catch airport shuttle at 20:30 across the road. So 4 hours to kill. I bought an "S" SIM card for iPad from honest Ali ( turned out to be a dud) in shop in arcade. Let's see if it works for 4 weeks.

23:15 Emirates lounge

Plane leaves 12:30 just past midnight so we are filling in time sitting in hotel foyer. Airport shuttle leaves every 12 minutes to Kowloon. Anne read book I walked thru hotel next to YMCA. Shops are all classy expensive like Prada Louis Vuitton and other names I've never heard of but Talia would know. And watch brands that are probably ridiculously pricey.

Decided we might as well suffer at the airport so caught early shuttle to Kowloon. Rather quick trip without traffic. Well surprise surprise, at the train station, Kowloon, you can check in your luggage. Then you board the train to the airport luggage free. The airport is something else, the size of a small city. A shuttle train takes you to the appropriate gate and lounge because it is so far away. So we ate lots, charged up the phone and iPad and now wait patiently for another 30 minutes to board the plane to Dubai.

Mon 25 12:15 pm

Amazing Emirates A380 flight to Dubai, overnight flight so we missed out on enjoying everything Emirates has to offer. Arrived early Dubai about 04:00. Easy transit thru customs, immigration. Chauffeur driven to Regent Palace hotel. Arrived hotel about 05:00 far too early to check in lovely hotel front of house Essi now Facebook friend, so we paid extra ¥200 for the luxury of a room. Had a snooze. At about 09:30 went across road to shopping centre including French supermarket Carrefour. Lunch at Dome. Bought fruit to fill in before dinner. It's very hot probably about 40 Celsius.not many burqas several men in traditional gear. Swishy shops in shopping centre. Weighed myself with clothes and shoes so possibly 1kg extra weight. Gotta be careful.

17:40

Waiting till 19:00 to be picked up for cruise dinner and dance performance. Rosemary and Garry arrived from Sydney. I checked out the trains just next to the hotel and they come often.

Tuesday May 26 21:36 in our hotel room

Dinner cruise was interesting. Mostly Indian passengers and a few locals including women completely covered in black. Magician and Egyptian dancer. Indian cuisine buffet. B- evening but something to do in the evening. A good nights sleep and breakfast at 09:00. At last a hotel breakfast that is different albeit an Indian cuisine. Off to Dubai Mall and Burj Khalifa tall tower. The mall is awe inspiring in its size. The train trip to it was easy and efficient and the station located next to the hotel..well done Anne and Rosemary. Note that some carriages are women only, a friendly local explained to me I could be fined being in the wrong carriage.

At the destination 7 travelators to get you to the mall. We did the aquarium, had coffee then went up to level 124 of the tower in a super smooth elevator. Great view. Dinner at Wafi gourmet, somewhat expensive but quite good. Enjoyed the water show then train back to hotel.

12:25 old Souk Dubai Eating at Masti

Hotel Breakfast at 09:00. Taxi to Old Souk but he got it wrong and took us to old Gold Souk. Eventually went to the right place. Walked around the market mostly clothes, materials and trinkets. Very hot and dry. Bought a white Arabic garment plus keffiyeh. Pestered by hawkers.

Lunch at small cafe Masti. AED¥75 (2.7) Biryani chicken and fish plus fruit juices. Call to prayer loud and clear from several mosques.

Thursday23:30 Southampton Mercure hotel

After our shopping trip to the Souk we returned to hotel by taxi. Picked up at 16:00 for our desert safari. Our guide Botiri. Driven to the desert where we swapped to a Land Rover vintage model and given goggles and kaffiyeh.. A drive over the sand dunes looking for animals oryx, antelope like mammal. Refreshments sweet Apple juice and a falcon demonstration during which the sun set. A drive to dinner in the desert with entertainment, rifle dance and Arab lady dance. Lentil soup, rice, chicken kebabs, camel stew, dates, coffee, sweet drink mezze dips and bread. I lay on the cushions and fell asleep. Returned to the hotel by 22:30

Thursday morning vip taxi (lexus) to miracle garden. A 35 minute trip. Gardens were lovely. We waited for taxi to return us to the hotel 10:15 patiently which eventually arrived so we would make it on time back to the hotel. Picked up at 12:00 by Emerites and driven to airport. Boarded at about 14:30. 7 hour flight to Gatwick England. Emirates drove us to Southampton Mercure hotel where we are now.

May 31 sailing from Southampton to Denmark 05:48

A small room in the hotel but conveniently located. Met up with the other two families. I woke up early and walked up to the shops. After breakfast drove to Portsmouth dockyard and toured it. Took lots of photos. Light Lunch potato and cheese in a pub and had a pint. Met up with Chris and Diane in the street. Local restaurant fully booked so we ate at the hotel which was quite good. Saturday June 30 had early breakfast with Chris and Diane. Invited them to Talia's wedding (I know Diane will read this) Sadly said farewell then we drove to Highcliffe Northern Forest. Returned to hotel via the ship Celebrity Eclipse then finished packing. Checked out of hotel dropped off bags, Anne and I embarked at about 13:00 after about an hour line up. The ship is amazing. It just had a refit a month ago. Cabin spacious. Buffet level 15 very yummy. Dinner in restaurant very delicious. Prior to that we went to forward Skye lounge for drinks, part of our unlimited drink package. After the dinner went to the show, a very funny comedian. Bed early. Couldn't resist room service chicken soup at about 22:00.

12:00 noon may 31

Up early. Gym for 30 minutes 300 calories. Breakfast at Ocean View Cafe level 15. Yummy smoked salmon and herring. Spa level 12. Trivia sky lounge level 15. A,R,G playing cards.

Monday June 1 in bed 12:16 am

Lunch in dining room. Dinner yummy as usual. Singer evening show very good lady.

Monday gym, smoked salmon and herring breakfast. Spa with Anne, Denmark talk. How to cook a steak demo. Lunch in ocean view cafe. Arrived Denmark 15:00. Taxi to canal boat ride, which was excellent. Tour guide Kiya. Met Karina and had coffee and talked a lot. It was just great meeting her after 16 years. Anne had 5 herring sampler. Taxi back to ship. Dinner in Ocean View. + wine( part of drink package). A,r,g cards in our cabin. Show at 21:30 very good singer Ben 3rd place X factor, sounds like rod steward. Coffee and iced tea in cafe bed at 12:30.

Wed June 3 10:00 in cabin

Yesterday taxis all booked up so took hop on hop off bus into town. Anne and I got off at department store like David Jones. Bought mascara for Liana then a Danish with coffee ( not called Danish here). Walked to "3" shop and along the way bought clothes at H.M. At "3" shop they got internet working on iPad and spent a short while skyping the girls.

Returned to catch the bus and the first one did not stop. Fortunately second one did stop because we have no Danish Kroners left for taxi fare. Back to ship, lunch, afternoon sleep, dinner at 6:30 then excellent show, circus, lucky to find a seat. After show my iced pear ginger tea. Watched rest of movie in cabin whirlwind or whirlpool.

Up at 07:30 and gym for 30 minutes. Then Oceanview cafe for smoked salmon, herring and toast with OJ and coffee. Returned to cabin with fruit for Anne then spa with Anne level 12.

Friday may 24 05:30

Wednesday: early gym. Port talk about Stockholm and Estonia. Show was juggler comedian, excellent. Afternoon matinee was Ben the singer and the west end lady singer together. They were terrific. Lunch in oceanview level 14. After show we all met up in the cafe and I had my iced pear tea.

Thursday May 25

Arrived Stockholm. Gym for 30 minutes and met everyone for breakfast. My weight ok but I think the scales are wrong. Taxi to Vasa museum (fitted 8 into a 7 seater) ended up doing Abba not Vasa. Skyped the girls in Abba museum. Abba interesting but needs a lick of paint. Ferry across harbour to old City. Walked around. I had my Swedish meat balls and beer. Anne had herring. Walked around then long walk back to ship. My phone says 12000 steps today. Returned to ship smoked salmon open sandwiches delicious and scones. Met chef yesterday and asked for buffalo wings. During dinner maitre de said buffalo wings tomorrow (Friday) show was impressionist, least entertaining so far. Early to bed everyone, all quite tired.

Friday May 26 clock forward 1 hour. Up at new time 04:30.

Saturday 20:30 St Petersberg.

Yesterday Stockholm. Shuttle bus into town. Lunch at restaurant. Fish soup and potato dish and Swedish beer. Bought a few nick nacks for kids and friends. Old city with history, small lanes and old buildings. Returned on shuttle bus. Dinner at 18:30 and magic show at 20:30 quite good. Everyone is quite exhausted so early to bed finished watching night stalker movie in cabin. Up early in St Petersburg.

A magnificent sickly opulent city with palaces decorated in over the top paintings, crockery and gold foil. On a tour. Had to pass through customs to get off ship past miserable government employees. Tour guide Lena, good English and very knowledgable. We were early so avoided huge crowds at various venues. We are a little disturbed that Russians do it tough while such lavish opulent churches and palaces. Part of the tour was a subway ride on a noisy train over one stop. The longest escalator I've ever experienced. We had lunch provided creamy soup and chicken crêpes. Garry and I had vodka. A lot of walking today 17000 steps according to my pedometer on the Samsung. We were agog at the size of the palaces as well as the fit out. The nazis more or less destroyed these places when they left and the Russian government restored them in record time. Much artwork was removed just before the nazis invaded. Much was stolen or destroyed. Back to the ship at about 18:00, dinner in dining room at about 19:00. Everyone is tired but we all want to see St Petersburg entertainment at 22:00 tonight. Early start tomorrow another 1/2 day tour with Lena and Peter.

Sunday 23:48

Early start 07:30. Easy thru immigration today. River cruise. Churches, palaces, lunch piroga (big piroshki) blood church, mosaics. Synagogue, hermitage museum. Farewell Elena and Peter our tour guide and driver. Dinner in Murano at discount thanks to Robert. Fantastic experience. Broadway show. Delay setting sail due 40knot wind.

Monday 21:00

Sea day sailing to Lithuania. Gym, new scales more accurate, I'm a little shocked at my weight. Excursion talk. Go pro talk (bought one). Chef demo how to cook fish. Lunch, sleep, dinner with Ruth and Stephen. MacDonald brothers show. Iced ginger pear tea. Anne did trivia.

Tuesday June 9 12:00 midnight

Arrived Lithuania. Gym, weight terrible. Walked thru town. Wi fi at cafe. Lunch back on ship. Trivia. Men vs women fun quiz. Ventriloquist show. Time running out for cruise.

Thursday June 11 08:35

Yesterday Poland. Taxi tour. French markets ate pistachio nugah. And apple donut. Church of many bricks. Church with lovely orang recital. Famous ant communist ---------- place.

Thursday arrived Germany. Gym, spa, breakfast.

Coach to Berlin 3 hours. Stopped at Maccas for toilet and coffee break. Toilet 50c. Swapped at 1936 Olympic stadium to group of 8 of us with excellent tour guide Lee an American who has been here for 30 years. All day tour of various places. Berlin Wall, railway station where Jews were loaded onto trains, square where books were burned. Various other places. Currently driving back to ship, a 3 hour trip. It's 20:00. Thursday evening.

Oops Sunday June 14

We arrived back at the ship at about 21:30 and dinner in the oceanview cafe bistro. A German feast including German sausages which chef Darren went on shore to buy , sauerkraut and German beer affordable on our drink packages. Ship departed at midnight.

Friday and Saturday sea days. Gym. Trivia, talks about confessions of a customs officer, and necrotourism. Other talks from officers, navigation and engineering. Shows were Beatles(yesterday evening, Chinese magician matinee yesterday and production show. All quite good. Four families met outside our cabins in team earth to discuss tips for crew. Rosie's trivia team earned various prizes including new lanyards, most appreciated. I walked around the ship and photographed most places with my new gopro. Obviously I've put on weight. We disembarked today (Sunday) at about 08:30. Phone call to taxi company. Taxis to Southampton airport. Little hiccups with Rosie's champagne and my bottle of wine but all sorted. Weigh was ok. Howard and my priority cards got us into business lounge. Free wifi so we spoke to the girls and caught up a little on the Internet and ate nibbles. Currently 22:05 on a Dash 8 at 28000 ft on track to Dublin.

Monday June 15 22:35

Yesterday arrived Dublin. Picked up car. Drove to Sandymount Hotel. Walked to local village. Asked Una Mollony a Dubllin resident directions and she ended up making two trips in her car to take us Moto dinner at the Old Spot where I had hamburger and Guinness.

Up Monday morning, hotel breakfast then caught hop on hop off bus to trinity college, then to town and shopping centre. Irish stew at cafe below museum the Hutch. Shopped then walked to Dublin castle to catch up with Rosie and Garry. Bus to Guiness storehouse for interesting tour then a pint of Guinness on level 7. Bus to stop 24 to dinner show, Gaelic music and dancing. Train home to the hotel.

During the day I got interviewed for a Father's Day show on Saorview.

Wednesday June 17 21:30 just arrived Sligo Park Hotel in Sligo

A summary of the last two days. Belfast :Titanic museum exhibition. We had a tour. It was terrific.a few levels of information, a chair lift taking you through a mock up ship yard. A cinema showing the remote camera view that surveyed the sunk ship. The drawing room. And lots of information. The Crumlin road Gaol, a morbid but interesting historical tour of this infamous place including the gallows. A show at the Old Opera theatre in Belfast. The Business of Murder. Slow at first but quite interesting second half. It had an 8 year run in the west end. Meals at various pubs and even a Chinese meal at the red panda opposite the Europa hotel. On the way to Sligo from Belfast today we stopped at the rope bridge Carrick-a-Rede. £5.90 and a mile long very difficult walk then a precarious walk over this shaky bridge. Hmm a lot of calories burned up today. A visit to the Bushmills distillery too late for a tour but not too late for a taste and to buy a bottle of honey single malt.

An historic black taxi tour if Belfast telling us about the history and the political problems faced by Ireland. Protestants are loyal to England Catholics are republicans. Some very sad stories of the struggle.

Saturday June 20

Left last drove to Sligo. Nice hotel for 1 night. In the morning a spa. Breakfast. Off to Galway. Dinner at an Italian restaurant. Looked through Dunnes department tour.

Currently travelling to Killarney. Cliffs of Mohr along the way but fogged in. Diverted by car ferry. Stopped for chowder and potato. Currently in Listowe having coffee. During this last two days we visited a castle in fact a fortified mansion. Today's road trip passed a bicycle rally.

Last night we stayed at a B&B Seashore lodge. Had to carry suit cases up the stairs. A good B&B but a poor hotel. Breakfast was basic. Coffee finished now 1 hour to finish our trip for today.

Sunday 10:30 June 21

Arrived Killarney yesterday via fogged in cliffs of Mohar and a ferry ride across a lake. Nice hotel Brooks. Great position near shops. Big room. OK breakfast. Here for two nights. Today we drove the ring of Kerry and enjoyed the scenery. Dinner both nights at Scala Eile and they gave us left over cakes to take away. Barbara from Poland the waitress my new Facebook friend and Maurice was the manager. Good value nice food great service. Had my sixth Guinness. Tomorrow early start to Cork.

Wed June 24

Taking off Dublin on route to London central airport. Just left Dunboyne castle hotel. A great hotel, great dinner here and good breakfast. Spa was €10 for the room and had steam rooms, sauna, spas of all sorts, relaxing rooms. I note that maintenance was lacking with multiple issues in several rooms.

Prior to that we were at the Ambassador hotel in Cork where we met Tommy and Anthony, Marian's father and brother. They picked up Anne and me from St Patrick's Street outside Brown and Thomas department store and took me for a Murphys at a local pub.then a Jamesons whisky. We had a cheap Chinese meal at a local (pity we missed out on a genuine not tourist meal).

Btw last night was my seventh Guinness.

Spa, nice dinner, and good breakfast here.

Friday June 26

Currently in Lancaster hotel London. Couple of days ago flew to London City airport. Gotta remember not to take liquids on plane! Fitted 8 of us plus baggage into taxi..a miracle. Hop on hop off bus. Thames cruise with the funniest tour guide ever! . Harrods ( crazy prices AUS$14 for coffee). Saw musical Beautiful last night excellent, in the audience Gene Simmons and Michael Cain. After Harrods walked through Hyde park back to hotel. Saw Princess Diana memorial fountain and squirrels.

Wednesday July 1

Have not written for a while so here's a catch up.

Back to London where Anne and I picked up the SIXT hire car with a little difficulty interpreting the gps. We caught a train then walked till we discovered it in a car park. It's a manual Citroen and had a challenge finding out how to start it and how to engage reverse. Then to negotiate London traffic, avoiding the congestion tax. We drove to the Lancaster hotel, farewelled Cheryl, Adam, and Howard and Shirley. Then off we drove to the Cotsolds and our lovely Roman period house at Bouton on the water. We stayed here for 3 nights during which we did road trips all around enjoying English countryside. We had cooking facilities so we cooked two dinners, 3 breakfasts and made lunch twice left over sausages on rolls with coleslaw. We shopped at Tesco a short distance from our house. the Cotwolds are a magic place with a creek running through it and old English charm and a lot of weekenders over Saturday and Sunday. We bought duck food and fed the ducks. Garry and I had a pint of Hobgoblin beer brewed locally and served at 12 Celsius. Restaurants close at 6 on Sunday so we were forced to eat Chinese. On the morning of our departure a police car pulled up as someone complained about where we parked.

We left the Cotwolds and drove the Staffords to Gatwick via Stratford upon Avon and Brompton where Downtown Abbey is and was being filmed. Behind schedule we tracked to Gatwick on the M25 my gps not working, turned out we ran out of data. I drove for about 7 hours this day. Traffic on the M25 was horrific for over 100 miles. A nightmare. Went under some bridge and paid the toll on line at Jeff's place. We planned to arrive at 5, we arrived after 6. We had planned to do dinner with the Simons at 7 ended up thee at 8:30 without gps and about 10 at Monica's place after that. And we tried to ring Sharon turned out we had the home number not mobile and ringing Jeff the phone cut out yep unbelievably stressful. Wi fi at the restaurant gave us a map to Jeff so Alls well that ends well. Stayed with Monica overnight after talking till midnight. Yummy breakfast. England has great berries and yoghurt. I had a short morning walk to the seaside. We went to Smileys for lunch on the seaside I had fish and chips. Then at about 11:45 set off to Heathrow early as I was scared of the traffic. As it turned out traffic was excellent and I cruised at 70 mph. At the airport we retrieved VAT and octopus credit then relaxed in the lounge until we realised our plane was at sector C a shuttle away.

11 hour flight passed quickly I think I slept a long time as I can't account for all these hours.

Arrived Hong Kong knew the train and shuttle protocol and here we are at the YMCA and the temperature is 35 Celsius.

July. 2 Thursday

Just filled in time on an hour harbour cruise.

Did recon this morning about our trip to Macau.

Went to jeweller and to polo bag shop.

Yesterday went to jeweller and tailor. Suit measured and will be posted to Australia. Ring ready for Talia and bought earrings for Liana.

Dinner in authentic Chinese restaurant around the corner. Checked out of hotel at 12 and they are storing our bags and facility for shower if we want.

[threeorphanpilgrimage]

Chapter 74 - Safety

Clementine steadied the hammer in her hand and took aim at her target. She landed a single firm tap on the lowest rung of metal wiring that formed the tomato cage she was kneeling in front of. Her strike didn't seem to drive the cage's legs any further into the soft dirt, but she hit it once more for good measure before moving a few inches to repeat the process in a different spot.

Her entire morning had been methodically reinforcing the stability of tomato cages a few taps at a time, even though the tomato plants themselves still were too small to make any use out of them. Even having grown from sprouts to proper plants, the few limbs they had were too short to reach the cage, which was narrowest at the bottom. However, with the approaching weather, Sarah said they should make sure everything was secure.

There was a crashing sound in the distance and Clem looked up expecting to see a flash of lightning. The thick gray clouds hanging over the area had been seen as a good omen by everyone. Rain would not only water the crops for them, but it'd refill the tanks on their RV's and the barrels they had set out under the houses' gutters. Clem was also grateful for the comforting shade it cast over the field, sparing her another morning baking in the sun.

There was another distant crashing sound but Clem saw no lightning. Adjusting her view downward slightly, she saw the backhoe on the edge of the field, further digging out the now severely shrunken pond. Sin had wanted to work on digging a trench the lake, but seeing it was overcast this morning, decided enlarging their pond before it rained would be a better use of his time.

Watching the backhoe move back and forth, its equipment crashing loudly as it did, Clem realized there had been no thunder, yet. After settling in place, the mechanical arm started digging again and Clem went back to work herself, reasoning she had time to finish before the rain arrived. She didn't make it much further before she noticed Anthony moving towards her.

"Need a hand?" he asked with a shrug, a hammer in his hand.

"You're done with the bean poles?" Anthony nodded weakly, to which Clem made a slight gesture with her head and he knelt down by the tomato cage next to her to begin tapping the wrung nearest the cage's legs.

"Really starting to wish Sin never told us about mercury poisoning," mumbled Anthony.

"Really?" asked Clem. "But then—"

"Getting sick and maybe dying while getting fat on fish is starting to look preferable to this bullshit," mumbled Anthony. "That lake is huge. I bet I could pull in two or three pounders every day if I actually went fishing instead of just pulling in those cages. I mean, how long would you have to eat fish before that shit would actually kill you? Weren't there people before who ate fish every day and they were fine?"

"I don't know," shrugged Clem as she moved onto to the next tomato cage. "My mom sometimes made me tuna sandwiches."

"And you're okay. I mean, the old man even said he's not an expert on this stuff; we could eat a lot of fish and be fine for all he knows."

"Or we could get sick, and then none of us know what to do because none of us are doctors," retorted Clem. "I met someone once who told me they knew people who tried avoiding the land when the walkers first showed up. They stayed on a river and just ate fish, and some of them got scurvy."

"The hell is scurvy?"

"Sarah looked it up and it's a disease you get when you don't get enough vitamin C, which fish don't have," said Clem as she tapped the tomato cage with her hammer. "She said it makes you really tired and your arms and legs sore and your gums start bleeding."

"Holy shit," said Anthony in a whisper. "Couple of days before I met you guys, my gums had started bleeding."

"You should have eaten those green beans," said Clem as she stood up.

"Huh?"

"Those cans of green beans you left in front of that… weird trap you made," reminded Clem. "You should have just eaten them."

"Why's that?"

"They're full of vitamin C." Anthony looked at Clem, baffled. She just smirked at him before moving onto the next tomato cage.

"How do you know what does and doesn't have vitamin C in it?" asked Anthony as he knelt down by the next cage.

"When we first started taking care of OJ, Sarah was really worried about what we'd feed him when he stopped drinking formula and we spent like three days just looking up different vitamins and checking the labels on cans to know what had what." Clem knelt down and started working on the next tomato cage. "And nothing really has everything you need, so even if we don't have to worry about mercury, we couldn't live off just fish."

"What about deer?" asked Anthony.

"I don't think we could just eat them either, and even if we could, we haven't seen a deer since the one you shot. That's why we need this farm."

"Yeah, yeah, I figured that. It's just this farming stuff is such a hassle," said Anthony as he tapped the cage with his hammer. "Sarah said once the corn stalks get sturdy enough, we're gonna have to carefully untangle the beans' vines, then rewrap them around the corn stalks because she's afraid the bean poles might get in the way of the corn once it starts coming in."

"Sort we're gonna have to do for the beans and corn what she said we'd have to do with the cucumbers and those weird wire tent things we setup?"

"Yeah. Thank God we did those just yesterday or Sarah would be telling us to double check them too."

"She's just being careful," insisted Clem. "After our first garden—"

"I know, she told me," said Anthony as he stood up and wiped his face with his sleeve. "I just hope we're not doing all this just to repeat what happened with it."

"Yeah, me too." Having reached the end, Clem stood up and looked out over the rest of the field. There were rows of cages, wooden poles, and tall wire structures shaped like sign boards neatly lined up across the rows of dirt, while the plants they were set out for were still tiny and frail. The cucumbers were currently just a mess of short leaves, the tomato plants were dwarfed by the cages that encased them, and the beanstalks still appeared to be little more than curly weeds. The only thing that resembled a finished vegetable were the lettuce plants, which currently looked like miniature versions of the finished product.

"Hey, take a look at this." Clem turned to find Anthony's face hovering an inch away from one of the cages. "This one's actually got a tomato on it."

"Really?" Clem knelt down to look herself, and under one of the plants leaves she could see a tiny green bump hanging from a thin vine. "I wonder how long until we can eat it."

"Probably a few weeks," said Anthony. "These are early girl tomatoes, so they'll probably be the first thing that's ready. The cucumbers shouldn't be far behind them."

"How do you know that?" asked Clem.

"Sarah's out here every morning at dawn checking everything in this field, and the second she needs a hand she wakes me up," explained Anthony.

"Really?"

"Yes really, who the hell do you think carries fertilizer for her or helps get more dirt to top off the potatoes' row?" asked Anthony. "I spend so many early mornings out here with her I can't help but ask when the hell this stuff is going to be ready."

"It's just… why does she come to you?"

"She says you're always busy in the morning taking care of your baby, and Devlin is always getting picked for some kind of construction project. I was hoping he'd finally be free today to help but apparently now is when he needs to go back to Tulsa to see if anyone has visited since we left."

"He said he'd go on the first of every month, and today is April first."

"Leaving me as the lone strong back around here; happy April Fool's Day," griped Anthony as he stood up. "Speaking of indentured servitude, I'd better go fetch some water."

Clem followed after Anthony as he headed for the pond. Running along the edge of the field was a thick white plastic pipe suspended about half a foot off the ground by blocks of wood. Looking to her right, Clem could see the pipe ran towards the rainwater collector built up against the side of the barn. Anthony stepped over the pipe with ease while Clem had to be more careful not to trip over it. Anthony grabbed a couple of watering cans tucked away by the barn door and started walking towards the pond.

"Wait, it's going to rain," remembered Clem. "Sarah said we won't need to water the field today."

"The field, no," said Anthony. "That little greenhouse Devlin put together for Sarah, that still needs water."

Clem wanted to ask Anthony something else, but as they neared the pond, the sound of the backhoe's engine drowned any attempt at conversation. Looking over at the cab, Anthony held up his hand and Clem could see Sin inside nodding. The arm pivoted away from the pond, dropping off a load of dirt near a large pile beside the vehicle, then the arm retracted and the backhoe's engine went silent.

"Why don't you go check on him?" suggested Anthony as he hopped into the wide ditch the backhoe created. "Figure out if his damn irrigation system works yet or not. I'd love a break from watering tomorrow too." Anthony moved through the ditch until he reached the edge of the dried pond, then kept walking until he finally reached what remained of the water. Turning away from Anthony, Clem noticed Sin exiting the cab of the backhoe and sitting down on the step just below his seat.

"Are you okay?" asked Clem as she approached the man.

"Huh?" said Sin as he looked up, as if he just noticed her.

"I just asked if you're okay."

"I'm fine," assured a tired Sin. "It just gets hot in there, and the constant sound of the engine probably isn't good for my hearing."

"We've got some special earmuffs that stop noise," said Clem. "We took them from a gun store so whenever we practiced our aim it wouldn't bother Omid, but he always takes them off when we put them on him."

"I think I could use those," said Sin as he looked over his shoulder at the rest of the backhoe. "Just digging out the pond is taking a toll on me. It'll probably take several days to dig a trench from here to the lake, maybe a week, and longer still to solidify it with concrete." Sin looked over at the pond as Anthony carried a couple of full water cans out of it.

"He's not going to water the field today he is?"

"He's getting water for Sarah's greenhouse," explained Clem.

"I haven't even looked at that yet," said Sin.

"I haven't either," admitted Clem. "Devlin finished it yesterday I think and by then I just wanted to go to bed, and this morning Sarah wanted me to come out here after feeding Omid to make sure the tomato cages weren't going to blow away." There was a sudden flash followed a few seconds later by a distant clash of thunder.

"Seems like you finished just in time." Sin closed the door to the backhoe and moved towards Clem. "We should probably all get in before the rain starts. Besides, Jet insists I come to this party Patty wants to do for our first rainy day."

"Oh yeah, that should be fun," said Clem as she walked with Sin across the dirt, eyeing the long water pipe that spanned the short side of the field. "Although, Anthony wanted to know how this rainwater collector works," said Clem as she looked over at the large stacks of barrels connected to each other by a mess of pipes. "I would too. I saw something like this once that collected lots of rainwater, but it different. It was just a shipping container they put gutters on that emptied into barrels, then they'd use one of those little mover things to carry the full barrels away."

"I suppose now is as good a time as any to field any questions about this device," said Sin as he walked over to the stacks of barrels stacked upon other barrels. "There's no carrying these barrels away. Devlin and I went to great lengths to anchor them in place and to each other to form a single large reservoir we can use to water our crops," explained Sin as he gestured to the pipes running between all the barrels.

Looking carefully, Clem could see there were two types of plastic pipes linking the barrels together; one thick and one thin. Both sets of pipes connected every barrel to every other barrel, even extending upwards in a few places to link the top and bottom rows. The larger pipes connected to tall tubes on each side of the collector that ran up to the barn's gutters. But the thin pipes only connected the barrels to each other, barring a few short lengths of open pipe sticking straight up past the top row of barrels.

"So… what are these for?" asked Clem as she pointed at the thin open pipes that looked like tiny chimneys, complete with small plastic covers that left space for air to escape.

"Those are the vents," explained Sin.

"Vents?" asked Clem. "Why do water barrels need those?"

"So there's somewhere for the air to go as the water comes in."

"I don't understand. Why does the air have to go anywhere?"

"Because if the air in the barrels couldn't get out, then the water could never get in."

"Really? If those weren't there the water would just, what, stay in the gutters?"

"Well no, some water would get in, but…" Sin scratched his chin. "Did you ever take a glass, turn it upside down, and hold it underwater in a sink?"

"Our teacher did that in school once with a bottle," said Clem. "I thought it was weird the water wouldn't go inside."

"That's because there's air trapped inside the bottle and has nowhere to go, which means the water can't enter the container because it's filled with air, which takes up space even if we usually can't see it," explained Sin.

"But what about when you just pour water into a bottle?" asked Clem. "There's air in there then too. Why does it work then?"

"That's because liquid particles aren't as densely packed as the solid ones a bottle is made out of, and air can push through water much like how we could swim through it. When you hold a bottle underwater with the top facing up, you see as air escapes the bottle in the form of bubbles being pushed up through the water."

"Well, then why do you need the vents? Wouldn't the air in the barrels do the same thing and just go up the pipes like bubbles out of a bottle?"

"What's a faster way to collect water: using a cup or using a bottle?"

"Probably the cup."

"Why?"

"Well, because the water goes right in. If you hold a bottle underwater, it makes this glug-glug sound while the bubbles come out and it takes longer."

"Exactly," said Sin with a smirk. "The cup has a wide opening that allows water to just push air right out, whereas a bottle has a narrow top that both the air and water have to pass through, which slows both of them down."

"Oh… but the pipes for your vents are narrow," noted Clem.

"Ah, but water won't be coming in that way," said Sin as he pointed at one of the larger pipes connected to the gutter. "The water will be rushing in from that pipe and come flowing into the bottom barrels, and the air will have to go somewhere. Where do you think it will go?"

"Um, I guess up and out through your vents?"

"Why?"

"Because… it's easier than trying to go through all the water coming in the bigger pipes?" guessed Clem.

"Exactly, the air will follow the path of least resistance. Without those vents, the main pipes would be a bottleneck for the escaping air and the incoming water."

"What's a bottleneck?"

"It's a part of a machine or system where very little can pass through it at once, which is a problem because most systems are only as efficient as their weakest components. Imagine if your watering can's spout was as narrow as a drinking straw. It would take a very long time to pour out the water we need for the crops."

"So… it's like a bottle's neck?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, you said the water takes longer because the top of the bottle is narrow," reminded Clem. "So, a bottleneck is like a bottle… neck."

Clem was surprised to see Sin stifle a laugh and try to hide the fact he was smiling. "For me, that word has been synonymous with production problems for so long that I never even considered its very appropriate literal meaning."

Clem couldn't stop herself from smiling as she thought about how she had actually taught Sin something, even if it was only something trivial. "So, is that why the water pipes connect to all the other barrels? So there won't be a bottle neck?"

"Yes, by giving the water multiple paths, it'll help maintain a steady flow and hopefully keep the pipe from backing up and wasting water during a heavy rain. I had wanted to have more than two pipes connect to the gutters to help, but the barns angular roof means we had to build the collector on a short side where we could run pipes from both halves of the roof. Otherwise, we'd miss half the water we could collect."

"What about this bench thing?" asked Clem as she pointed at the simple wooden structure that supported all the barrels. "What's it for?"

"It suspends the barrels a couple of feet off the ground so gravity could allow the water to flow out easily. Like I said, I can't make water move uphill without pressurizing it."

"But, then how would the top barrels ever get filled? None of them are connected to the pipe coming from the gutter, only the bottom barrels. Wouldn't the water just stay in the bottom barrels then?"

"The weight of the water in the pipe creates a small degree of pressure, enough to raise the water level," explained Sin. "However, it can't raise the water higher than the source of the water exerting that pressure, and the rising water goes slower as it approaches the height of its source."

"Is that why water towers are so tall?" asked Clem. "So they create lots of water pressure?"

"That's right," said Sin, sounding pleased. "That much water that high up creates a significant amount of pressure just from gravity."

"But, how did the water get up there in the first place?"

"Usually it's pumped in from a treatment plant."

"Oh, so they need electricity?"

"Generally. There are other means, like—"

"A windmill?"

"Yes," said Sin, sounding surprised. "How did you know that?"

"I met someone once who said she was going to build a windmill so she could have running water again," explained Clem, trying to keep her voice from sounding too bitter. "Could you build something like that?"

"Theoretically."

"Theoretically?"

"I understand the fundamental principles of windmills and how we could connect one to a pump, but actually designing and constructing such a thing under these circumstances is a different matter," explained Sin. "I'm still yet to even properly test our irrigation system."

"What is our irrigation system?" asked Clem. "I saw that pipe near the field, but what does it do?"

"We took as many drip lines and soaker hoses as we would come from Tulsa and I installed a valve with a connector for a hose on each section of that pipe over there. In theory, we should be able to connect the hoses to the pipe, unroll them across the field for each row we're growing, then just turn the handle and let the water from the collector flow out to our plants."

"But?" asked Clem, knowing it couldn't possibly be that easy.

"I'm not sure if the collector will provide enough water pressure to cover that many hoses over that great a distance. Even if they do, we'll only be able to use it after it rains."

"That's still better than having to water the crops every day," said Clem. "What about the trench from the lake you want to make?"

"I'm still working on what would be the best way to distribute the water, assuming we can make a trench through that terrain. Currently, I'm thinking it might be best to just install a hand pump near the end of the main pipe near the pond, just pump water into it and let the hoses distribute it, but—"

There was a sudden flash followed by a clap of thunder. Even if she hadn't noticed that they were closer together than the last time, Clem could tell the storm was nearer because of how much louder the thunder was.

"We should probably go in," concluded Clem.

"I'm going to double check everything. I'd hate to think I left a valve open somewhere and our first rain of the season goes down the tubes, literally," said Sin as he moved in close to the collector. "You go ahead, unless you want to stay and help?"

"That's okay, but this was kind of fun, learning how stuff works."

"If you ever want another lesson on basic engineering, just ask."

"I might do that," said Clem, thinking that sounded fun. Sin must have thought the same thing as it looked like he was hiding another smile, easily making this the most Clem had seen him smile since meeting the man. Leaving Sin to work, Clem headed towards the house just as another clap of thunder sounded. Crossing past the fence, Clem spotted Jet hurrying into the shed in the middle of the yard. Needing to return a hammer, Clem followed in Jet's footsteps only to almost crash into him as he came racing back out.

"Whoa!" said Jet as he jumped several steps. "Where did you come from?"

"I was just bringing my hammer back," said Clem as she held up the tool.

"Oh, perfect, I was just looking for one of those."

"What for?"

"I was just going to put this up." Jet removed a thick wooden sign from under his arm and held it out for Clem to see.

"Ceres Acres?"

"Ceres was the Roman goddesses of agriculture," explained Jet as he turned the sign around. "Also the biggest asteroid in the asteroid belt is named Ceres… plus it sounds cool."

"Why'd you make this?"

"I figured this place needs a name, so when we went to Pawhuska I made sure to grab some stencils and paint and a sign from the hobby store we found," explained Jet. "I've been working on it in my room at night whenever I get a chance. Do you like it?"

Showing her the sign again, Clem could tell Jet had spent a lot of time on it. There were painted images of leaves in each corner; the top ones green and rounded, the bottom ones orange and pointed. A pair of short chains ran through a couple of holes in the top. Thick black lines ran with little swirls growing out of them ran between the corners to create a border. Near the bottom in tiny lettering it read 'EST. 2 A.O.' while in the center was 'CERES ACRES' spelled out in big, black ornate letters.

"I like it," said Clem.

"Really?" asked Jet, sounding a little surprised. "I was about to go hang it over the front porch. You want to help?"

"Sure." Clem went with Jet to the front of the house, heading up the steps into the quaint veranda. Discovering they had never collected any furniture to place on the porch, Jet hurried inside to collect something to stand on while Clem made a mental note to get a few cozy chairs next time they went into Pawhuska. Jet hammered a couple of nails into the roof of the veranda while Clem held the stool he was standing on steady. When he was done, she passed up the sign and he looped the chains around the ends of the nails.

Hopping off the chair, the pair immediately ran down the steps to admire their handy work. The sign hung neatly in front of the entrance, christening the property with its new name. It even swayed a little as the wind picked up, and Clem suddenly found herself tickled by an image of her and Sarah as old ladies in rocking chairs, just watching the sun set together from the veranda.

"Hey, I think Devlin's back."

Clem spun around in time to see a large red semi-truck turn off the driveway and pull up next to the other semi hitched to the trailer they had used to move the backhoe. Clem went with Jet as they rushed out to meet the man. Arriving at the truck, they watched as Devlin slunk out of the cab, a forlorn look on his face as he leaned up against the vehicle.

"Devlin?" greeted Clem as they inched closer.

"Did something happen in Tulsa?" asked an anxious Jet as the man turned to look at the pair.

"Nah, nothing happened," Devlin said with a half-hearted shrug. "If anyone had come since we left, they didn't touch anything we left out for them at the Sam's Club, least not that I could tell."

"Then what's wrong?" Clem's question was met with silence as Devlin looked away. "You can tell us."

"It's just… being back in that big empty city, all by myself," spoke Devlin in a quiet voice. "Brought back a lot of bad memories of living there, alone, thinking I was the last man alive on Earth."

"I'm sorry," spoke a sympathetic Clem.

"There… there were more than a few nights there I thought about pointing the line launcher at my own head," admitted Devlin in a hushed whisper. "I think the only thing stopping me was knowing since it didn't use a regular bullet, there was a good chance it wouldn't actually kill me."

"Devlin…" spoke a visibly disturbed Jet.

"Never mind, just forget—"

"Don't," said Clem as she grabbed the man's sleeve as he tried to turn to back to the cab. "Don't tell us to just forget about something like that. Talk to us."

"I'm… I'm not used to talking to people about stuff like this," admitted Devlin. "Especially not kids who got enough to worry about as it is."

"Like I told you before, talking to people isn't nearly as bad as a lot of things we have to worry about now," reminded Clem.

"And I'd worry less if you just talked to us," said Jet, almost pleading.

"If you don't want to talk about something right now because it makes you feel worse, then just tell us that, but if it's us you're worried about then you're better off telling us."

Devlin took a deep breath. "I guess I'm just terrified I'll wind up alone again," he confessed. "Been my worst fear for a long time. I never really knew my dad, and my mom died not long after I finished high school. Just had a heart attack one day… she wasn't even that old. She… she had been my whole life up until then."

"You didn't have any other family?" asked Jet.

"Like I said, I don't know where my dad is, I was an only child, no grandparents or aunts or uncles, not that I know of; losing her was like losing everything. If I hadn't already enrolled in college, I don't know where the hell I would have gone next. And once I graduated I immediately looked for something else, anything so I wouldn't be alone. I had a lot of student debt, and I didn't really feel comfortable with the regular military, so I joined the Coast Guard.

"Might sound strange, but the time I spent with Simmons and company was probably the first time I felt like I really belonged, like I had a purpose, and a family again. As hard as things were in Tulsa, I don't think I had ever felt closer to people than I did with them. When we drew straws to find out what order we'd take lingering survivors out of Tulsa in, each time I drew the short one it felt like another punch to the stomach, until I realized I'd have to be the one who stayed the longest, by myself."

"That's terrible," said Jet. "You… you just had to watch them leave one by one?"

"The Chief went before the rest of us, taking whoever was left downriver to hopefully be safe in New Orleans. A family of four came to Tulsa not long after that; John took them downriver. Next was Jorge and this brother and sister who couldn't stop arguing. For over a month it was just me and Gina, this older woman who loved to swear. We used to joke she was around when the Coast Guard was founded. She heard us once and snapped 'And the recruits get bitchier every fucking century!"

Jet had to stifle a laugh. "Yeah, it gets less funny when you spend a whole month alone with her. But still, the day some starving old man with torn up shoes came stumbling into the citadel, I was sad to see her go with him to New Orleans. Then it was just me, waiting for my chance to go home to them… but they're not there anymore."

"I know how you feel," spoke a sympathetic Clem. "After everything changed, I just wanted to find my parents again. I met a lot of people who made me feel like I belonged, and eventually we went to the city my parents were in… They were dead, and everyone else I had ever met was dead or gone by the end of that day. I walked for miles, covered in blood and guts, not knowing where I'd go or what I'd do because there was no one left."

"What did you do?" asked Jet, transfixed by Clem's story.

"I got lucky. OJ's parents survived and found me outside the city. If they hadn't, I don't know what I would have done. I was so sad that if they hadn't of said we needed to move, I might have just sat on that log forever."

"Sounds like how I felt like when I met you people," said Devlin. "After you told me New Orleans was gone I just thought 'That's it, there's nothing left'. Then you guys talked about taking back the shopping center, and I was suddenly part of something again."

"Is that the only reason you came with us?" asked Jet.

"In a way," admitted Devlin. "I was just kind lost in the moment, and you people needed an extra hand. I'm happy I'm here now, but part of me wishes I just told the Chief I wanted to stay with her when she left for New Orleans for the last time, but I never said a word."

"Why not?" asked Clem.

"I guess I felt like it was my duty, not because I was in the Coast Guard, which didn't mean much after going AWOL, but to my mother, who told me the best thing you can ever do is be there for other people. Seeing as she died raising me, I always thought the least I could do is honor her by making sure her son was there for anyone who needed it, even when it meant giving up what I wanted."

"But you can't give up on everything you want," said Jet. "If you really wanted to be with your friends again you should have gone after them."

"If I had done that, I wouldn't have been there for you people when you came to Tulsa," reasoned Devlin.

"You said you thought about killing yourself while you were waiting. If that had happened, you wouldn't have been there for us or for anyone ever again." Devlin's stoic expression cracked upon hearing that. Clem watched as his eyes shifted in place and he sat up slightly, as if Jet now had his full attention.

"Anytime I was worried about something I couldn't control or was so far away I couldn't do anything about it, my dad would tell me to do something that made me feel better instead. He said if I don't stop to help myself every now and then, then I won't be in any shape to help someone else when the time comes."

"Your dad sounds like a smart man," said Devlin with a smirk.

"He and mom are both smart… I wish they were here." Clem placed her hand on Jet's shoulder as he sighed. "But, people like you and Clem and Patty help make it okay."

"Although, if you did want to go find your friends, I'd understand," Clem told Devlin. "I told you back in Tulsa I don't think it's a good idea, but it's not fair to you say you can't go. You've done a lot for us Devlin, the least we could do is let you do what you want most."

"I… I really appreciate that, both of you," said Devlin with utter sincerity. "But the whole time I was in Tulsa today, I just wanted to be back here."

"Really?" asked Clem.

"Yeah, really. I could barely stand being back there today… I don't think I could handle seeing New Orleans the same way."

"If it's that hard on you maybe you shouldn't go to Tulsa every month," suggested Jet.

"No, I'd feel even worse if I didn't. I mean, we left out instructions and everything. Being pretty cruel leaving people to wait in false hope like that."

"Well, what if I come with you next time?" suggested Clem. "That way the trip won't be so lonely."

"I appreciate that, but—"

"It's dangerous and I could get killed and a bunch of other stuff people always say when I say I should come with them," dismissed Clem. "Just let me go with you next time. You'll have someone with you so it won't feel lonely, and it'll be safer with two people who can watch each other, and I could get time off from watering plants and double-checking tomato cages."

"Damn, you just lay it all out there," noted Devlin with a smile. "You sounded a little like the Chief just now."

"So that means I can come with you when you go back there in May." said Clem, not so much asking as assuming.

"It doesn't sound like you're going to take no for an answer," observed Devlin. "And truth be told, I really would like the company."

"Great, so it's a deal," said Clem.

"And in the mean time, you're coming to Patty's party right?" asked Jet.

"Hell yeah," said Devlin with a smile. "I didn't spend an extra hour at the Sam's Club getting everything on her list just to not come. When's the festivities begin?"

"She said as soon as the rain started, so that way we've all got something to celebrate." Just after Jet said that, there was clap of thunder followed by the gentle patter of raindrops.

"Perfect timing," said Devlin as he spun around and reached into the cab.

"Here, first, this is the stuff Sarah asked me to bring back for her new greenhouse," said Devlin as he handed a couple of heavy plastic bags to Clem. "And Jet, you and I can bring in the rest before the bottom drops out."

"Do you know where Sarah is?" Clem asked Jet as she adjusted her grip on the bags.

"I'm pretty sure she's still behind the house in that plastic tunnel thing Devlin set up," said Jet as he took a large bucket with both hands. "I was bringing her pots of dirt all morning, and she didn't even look close to finished with… whatever she was doing."

Clem started running back towards the house as she could hear drops of rain falling on the brim of her hat. Running around the corner, she found the narrow space between the side of the house and the fence had been filled with a very long tent made out of a see-through material. It looked a little like the one Shaffer's used for a greenhouse, but much shorter and narrower.

After spending a minute trying the peel back a flap while juggling two heavy bags, Clem emerged inside the tent and found herself standing in a narrow aisle between the long tables that ran down the length of both sides of the tent. Sitting on top of them was a variety of different pots and planters all full of dirt. Hearing the gentle patter of rain suddenly erupt into a crude battering compelled Clem to look up and see the torrential downpour that had broken out in the short time since she entered the tent. Thinking she should get inside soon, Clem hurried forward and discovered Sarah standing at the opposite end of the tent.

"Sarah," said Clem as she approached her. "Sarah!"

"Hmm?" Sarah looked up from the pot she was staring at. "Clem, what are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" repeated Clem. "I haven't seen you all day. I'm here because Devlin is back and said you wanted this." Clem passed the bags to Sarah, who immediately set them on the table and started digging through them.

"Finally." Sarah whipped out a large plastic bottle, hastily eyed the back label, then twisted off the cap. Clem watched as she poured tiny yellow flakes across the dirt under the table, then kept moving to do the same under the next table. Briefly eyeing the label, Clem noticed the words 'Kills Fire Ants', and checking the bags, she spotted several other containers, pouches, and aerosol cans with scary words like 'RAID' and pictures of dead insects lying on their backs.

"I guess we have a bug problem now," concluded Clem as Sarah returned to the table and set the poison down.

"Yesterday, when I was setting up the tables after Devlin finished putting up the greenhouse, I suddenly felt something stinging my legs. Stupid ants climbed all the way up my sock just to bite me," groused Sarah as she grabbed an open container already sitting on the table.

"You… you had ants in your pants," said Clem, trying not to laugh.

"Then I thought, bugs might just eat all our plants before the stuff that's supposed to get rid of them finishes growing, and how stupid it was not to bring something to deal with them," rambled Sarah. "And then I realized I haven't read up on pesticides at all, even though I really should have, so just before Devlin left for Tulsa I told him to bring—"

"Sarah!" said Clem loudly but not angrily. "Calm down."

"I'm… I'm sorry," said Sarah as she scooped a tiny bit of blue powder out of a container and started sprinkling it over the dirt in the pot.

"It's okay, you don't need to be sorry. Just, take it easy."

"It's just, I didn't even think about pesticides until those ants bit me and it's getting warmer every day, so there will be probably more than just ants before long, so I need to start figuring out which pesticides do what and how to use them," rambled Sarah as she sprinkled the powder onto the dirt.

"Is that what you're doing now?" asked Clem.

"No, this is just fertilizer, which is something else I'll need to read up on," said Sarah as she grabbed a small watering can.

"Don't you just throw stuff that rots into a big bin or something?" asked Clem. "That's what I did at a friend's house whose parents had a compost heap in their yard."

"It's more complicated than that," said Sarah as she carefully poured some water onto the pot. "For good fertilizer, you need to make sure there's twice as much carbon stuff as nitrogen stuff, and you need to mix it right, and don't throw in things that attract pests."

"Don't we have a ton of fertilizer in the trailer… like literally?"

"Yeah, so we've got time for now, but eventually I'll need to figure out how to make our own before we run out," said Sarah as she set her watering can down. "Right now, it's more important I just get this stuff to grow."

"Are these the strawberries?" asked Clem as she looked at the pot.

"About half of them. The other ones are onions, carrots, and potatoes."

"You're growing those for the seeds, right?"

"Sorta," said Sarah as she moved onto another pot and started watering it.

"Sort of?"

"Well, from what I read, you can make more potatoes by cutting up grown ones into little cubes that each have their own eye on it. If you plant those, they'll grow into full-sized potatoes."

"Really?"

"Yeah, in fact, most of the books I read said you plant parts of a potato to grow into potatoes, not seeds anymore."

"But we planted—"

"That was our only bag. I think Devlin mentioned one of the people in Tulsa was an actual farmer who brought his stuff with him and he must have had a bag for growing what are called seed potatoes, which are potatoes you grow just to use to plant more potatoes. I didn't even notice it was the only bag for potatoes until after we used up most of them in the field…" Clem watched as Sarah's hand trembled as it scooped out more fertilizer.

"So, I'm growing most of what's left in here, hopefully so I can either get more seeds out of these potatoes, or just use the ones I grow to make more. If I don't figure it out… we'll probably never be able to grow potatoes after this year… assuming the seeds we had were even good in the first place."

"I… I had no idea," confessed Clem, feeling a little anxious as she thought about what Sarah said. "Are the carrots and onions like that too?"

"Not really, they just take a long time," said Sarah. "Although, you remember how we grew carrot tops like Dr. Bostwick said? You can do something like that for onions too. If you cut off the bottoms of onions and replant them, they'll grow roots and eventually grow into a whole new onion, sort of like the potatoes, except you can only get onion since they only have one bottom." Sarah finished sprinkling fertilizer on a pot and took a step back from the table. She took a deep breath as she looked out at all the other tables. "No wonder she was so mean."

"Who?"

"Dr. Bostwick," said Sarah. "She said she grew that whole greenhouse by herself; she must have worked all day every day on it."

"That didn't make it okay for her to be an asshole to us," stated Clem.

"No, but… probably nobody at Shaffer's really knew how hard it was to grow all that stuff. I mean, I never thought about it until I saw her greenhouse, and even then I didn't really know how hard it was until after we started that garden and I made so many mistakes and—"

"We both made mistakes, not just you," insisted Clem as she approached Sarah. "And we'll do better this time. And we got a lot of help."

"Who all need to eat too."

"And that's why we planted a lot more, and it'll start making food soon."

"Hopefully."

"It will. Anthony even found our first tomato today."

"Really?" asked a surprised Sarah.

"It was just a little green thing, but it was definitely a tomato."

"I'm glad we got the cages in now then," said Sarah. "You—"

"We made sure they were good and stuck in the ground, and he made sure the bean poles were too before it started raining."

"Raining?" Sarah looked up and saw the water rushing across the top of the tent. "I didn't even know it had started already. Did Sin—"

"He said the rainwater collector was ready."

"But the pond, did—"

"He dug it out as much as he could with the backhoe. Everyone's doing what you ask them to. It's okay," assured Clem as she grasped Sarah's hand. "Devlin just got back from Tulsa, and we were all going to have a party inside while it's raining. Why don't you come in already? You've been out here all morning."

"Oh… okay."

Clem breathed a sigh of relief as Sarah tossed off her gloves and apron and headed for the end of the tent. Even rushing through the rain to the door, Clem could feel herself getting soaked as the wind was whipping at her face. Bursting through the door and hurrying into the living room, Clem found almost everyone was gathered around a roaring fire in the fireplace.

"Kem-men!" Clem looked down to see Omid rushing up to greet her. "Sah-rah!"

"Hey there Oh—Omid," corrected Clem as she scooped him off the floor.

"Did you miss us?" asked Sarah, some of the weariness melting off her face as she smiled at him.

"Chai-yo!" he cheered.

"Chai-yo," answered Clem back.

"There you guys are," said Jet as he approached the pair. "He was saying your names so much I was just about to come looking for you."

"Sorry," said Sarah. "I just wanted to finish with everything in the greenhouse before I came in."

"Ah-mah-dah-pay," babbled Omid.

"You want something?" asked Clem.

"Actually, I think he was saying he made this." Jet handed Sarah a piece of paper while Clem set Omid on the floor. Looking at the paper, Clem saw it was a messy smear of colors that collided in the center of the page to form a large brown blob.

"Patty let Omid try finger painting today," said Jet as Sarah handed Clem the paper. "She said it took him a few minutes to make that, and almost an hour to clean up everything else he touched, including himself."

"Pay! Pay!" cheered Omid as he slapped his hands across the paper in Clem's hands.

"Ah, he made his first drawing," said Clem as she handed the paper back to Sarah. "Isn't that great?"

"And I missed it," realized Sarah.

"Don't worry, Patty said he wanted to make lots more," assured Jet. "You can ask her about it as soon as she—"

"Clear a path, here comes the post-apocalyptic party ball!" Patty and Anthony burst in from the front door, the former toting a very large bucket and the latter a pair of large fire extinguishers, all of which they set on the floor.

"What happened?" asked Sarah as she approached the pair. "Was there a fire?"

"Other than in the fireplace?" clarified Clem.

"No, but we really should get some extinguishers for such an occasion," said Sin without looking away from the window he was staring out of.

"Add it to the list for my May trip," suggested Devlin as he kicked his feet up onto the couch's armrest. "Patty already tapped me out on her party supplies for this last trip."

"Which was totally worth it," said Patty as she knelt down over her bucket. "Because fire extinguishers aren't just good for putting out fires."

Peering into the bucket, Clem could see a case of beer stacked on top of another case of beer being flanked by a couple of taller bottles. There was also a simmering white fog settling in the bottom of the bucket.

"Want a cold beer partner?"

"Cold?" Clem reached into to bucket and was shocked to the find the bottles were frigid to the touch.

"Freshly cooled by yours truly," announced Anthony as he gestured to the fire extinguishers he set on the floor.

"You can cool things with those?" asked Sarah.

"If they're the type that use carbon dioxide," explained Jet.

"Sure glad you spoke up about that earlier when I told Devlin to just grab any extinguishers. I thought the people I saw do this on TV said any kind would work," said Patty as she pulled a couple of beers out of the case. "Now let's drink up while it's still cold," said Patty as she offered the beers to Sarah and Clem. "These aren't like that that cheap crap we had on New Year's, I made sure to tell Devlin to grab a couple of my favorite ales."

"Wait, you're not giving them beer?" asked Sin as he turned away from the window.

"We've had it before," assured Clem as she took the bottles. "And we've had to kill walkers, and worry about people hurting us, and learn how to take care of a baby."

"And keep this whole farm thing going," added Patty. "Pretty sure if anyone has earned a beer, it's them."

"Yeah really Granddad," said Jet. "Everything that's happened and you're still worried about us drinking beer?"

"For real man, I had my first beer when I was twelve," said Anthony as he twisted a cap off a bottle. "And I turned out okay."

"You should mellow out and have a drink yourself Sin," suggested Patty.

"I don't like beer," he said as he looked away.

"What about wine?" asked Patty as she pulled the taller bottles out of the bucket. "We got white and red."

Sin stared out the window for a second, then looked over at Patty. "What kind of white?"

"It's just some fancy for Sam's Club standards wine but I remember it being pretty good at our Christmas bash in Tulsa," explained Devlin as he sat up. "I prefer red myself but it's good if you like white wine."

"And Devlin grabbed us some wine glasses too, which we also put in the bucket, so we got chilled wine in chilled fancy glasses."

Sin turned back to the window, only to turn back to Patty. "What the hell," he said as he took one of the bottles from Patty and examined the label.

"Here." Clem offered a bottle to Sarah, who hesitated. "Come on, it's April Fool's Day."

"Do people drink on April Fool's Day?" asked Sarah.

"I don't know," shrugged Clem.

"How about we drink to finally getting a rainy day?" suggested Jet as he joined the girls' conversation. "Which means we get an afternoon off from having to haul water across the field a few cans at a time?"

"Yeah, let's drink to that." Clem watched as Sarah's expression slowly morphed from one of apprehension to a cautious smile.

"Why not?" Sarah took the bottle and twisted the cap off, prompting Clem to do the same, which took a lot more effort than she was expecting.

"Oh, we should clink glasses—or bottles I guess," suggested Sarah.

"And say cheers," added Clem.

"Or chai-yo, which is Thai for cheers," suggested Jet.

The trio thrust their bottles forward. "Chai-yo!" they said in near unison with the clinking of glass. Clem threw her head back and swallowed a few big gulps of ale. The taste was pungent, but not nearly as bad the beer she tried on New Year's. It was an odd mix of something hardy, almost wood like, with something sweeter, like bubble-gum. Clem didn't exactly like it, but she could probably stomach to drink more of it, and looking at Sarah's and Jet's faces, she suspected they felt the same.

"Bah-bah!" demanded Omid as he stretched up to take the beer.

"Tell me we're not giving a baby alcohol," pleaded Sin as he stopped pouring wine into a tall glass.

"Of course not," said Sarah as she raised her bottle out of reach.

"But I did grab something for the little guy." Devlin removed a bottle of cola from the bucket and twisted the cap off. "Patty mentioned you gave him one of these on New Year's."

"Did she mention it was almost impossible to get him to sleep after that?" asked Sarah.

"It's… like one in the afternoon," said Clem as she checked her watch. "And besides, he wants to party too."

"Bah-bah!" demanded Omid as he stretched out his hands for his treat.

"Here you go buddy, have something sweet on us." Devlin handed Omid the bottle and Clem helped him lift it up to his lips. Cola dribbled onto his shirt as he lifted his head back to drink more. Clem was afraid he was going to spill half the bottle before he finally lowered it and took a breath.

"Ah-lah-dah-ah-bree!" he said before immediately drinking more.

"All right, now that we're all getting nice and buzzed, I say we sit down, listen to some music, play some poker, eat some choice junk food I managed to dig out of our trailer, and just kick back for the rest of the day."

Patty tossed a pack of cards and a wad of worn bills on the table in front of the couch while Anthony hauled over a big box. The box had wrapped jerky, sugary candies, not-entirely stale chips, and a single pack of freeze-dried ice-cream in it. While Clem fished out something to eat, Patty turned on their CD player. Between the warm sensation brewing in her stomach and the literal warmth of the fire drying her clothes as rock music filled the air and sweet treats filled her mouth, Clem felt her worries melting away as she sat down to spend an evening with friends and family.

Everyone initially joined in the poker game while alternating between sipping their drinks, enjoying their snacks, and making small talk with each other. Sin dropped out after only a few hands, admitting he wasn't a big fan of poker, and Sarah followed not long after that for the same reason. While playing poker, Clem could overhear the two talking, and distinctly heard Sin telling Sarah his wife had been a fan of Pink Floyd too.

Omid kept moving around the room at a frantic pace, likely still deep into his sugar rush. He would shout things, climb on and off the couch, and even try to take cards from people as they played. Eventually, Devlin managed to pull the toddler into his orbit by letting him choose cards. It only took three hands for Devlin to lose all of his money, which he didn't mind. Tapped out he went to converse with Sin while Sarah played with Omid with a renewed sense of vigor.

Clem did her best to stay in the game, but her head feeling lighter with every sip of beer she took and the generally relaxed mood of the party made it hard for her to stay competitive. After gambling the rest of what little money she had left on two pair only for Jet to call her bluff, Clem left the game broke but no poorer in any way that mattered to her.

Looking around, Clem saw Omid running back and forth trying to catch a ball Sin and Devlin passed between them while Sarah was spread out on the couch. Not wanting to interrupt Omid's fun, Clem headed for the couch and very careful lied down beside Sarah. She wrapped her friend's arm around her waist and soon felt the arm tenderly squeezing her. Lying there in Sarah's grasp, listening to her soft breathing over the music while watching the others laugh and smile, Clem felt like she was finally home.

"How'd you do?" whispered Sarah.

"You weren't watching?" whispered Clem.

"I was resting my eyes."

"I lost, bad. Patty's a lot better than me, and so is Anthony, and Jet too."

"I'm sorry," said Sarah.

"It's fine, I don't really care, but I would like to know who wins." Clem sat up, prompting Sarah to as well. Clem watched as Anthony raised his bet and tossed a few more bills into the pile.

"All right, I'm out," said Patty as she lowered her cards. "I'm not throwing away any more money this hand."

"That just leaves you kid," said Anthony with a confident smirk. "You in or out?"

"I amm…" Jet deliberately drew out the word 'am' while he clearly stalled for time. What Clem found odd was he didn't actually sound unsure, as if he was just trying to keep Anthony in suspense. "All in!" Jet suddenly pushed his entire pile of money into the pot.

"Whoa, what?" said Patty as she sat up. "Mister minimum bet only must finally have a hot hand."

"Or he's bluffing," added Anthony.

"Only one way to find out," said Jet in an uncharacteristically cocky tone. "You in or out?"

"I think that beer has gone to your head kid," speculated Anthony.

"So does that mean you're in?" asked Jet, sounding no less confident while Anthony continued to stare in response.

"Guess I'm playing one on one with whoever wins this hand," noted Patty as she watched Anthony slide all his money into the center.

"I'm in," he stated with no uncertainty. "So kid, show me—"

A large crash cut through the music as everyone jumped to their feet. Patty shut off the music while Devlin rushed over to a now broken window.

"Shit, where are the guns?" Clem heard Anthony ask as she hurried over to the window for a better look.

"They're all in our vehicles," answered Sarah as Clem arrived in time to see Devlin pick up something lying amongst the broken glass.

"What is it?" she asked as she moved in for a closer look.

"I… I think this is one of our spatulas from the grill," said Devlin as he held up the utensil.

"How did—"

"Oh God." Sin's words prompted everyone else to crowd around the broken window he was looking out of. Just getting closer to it sent a chill down Clem's spine as a frigid gale blew through the broken glass. Looking past Sin and Devlin, Clem watched in terror as she saw trees violently swaying in the wind while what sounded like a massive train barreled out of control somewhere behind the black clouds that had blanketed the sky.

"Jesus," spoke an awestruck Patty. "If I didn't know better, I'd say a hurricane was coming."

"Or a tornado," announced Anthony, terror grasping his voice.

"We should go to the storm shelter," realized Sin.

"He's right," said Devlin he backed away from the window. "Let's move, now!"

Devlin's order sent everyone scrambling. Sarah grabbed Omid while Jet grabbed one of the fire extinguishers. He tried putting out the fire in the fireplace, but nothing happened, forcing him to try the other extinguisher which produced just enough of a squirt of chemicals to douse the flames. As he set the extinguisher down, Clem noticed the crestfallen look on his face.

"It'll be okay," assured Clem with as much courage as she could.

"It's… it's not that," said Jet, slurring his words slightly as he spoke. "I was going to win."

"Huh?"

"I noticed Anthony doesn't blink when he bluffs, like he's worried we know he's hiding something, and he didn't blink once when—"

"Clem, Jet, come on!" Patty's yell sent the pair racing to the backdoor. Taking a single step outside, Clem felt the wind hit her with such force she was nearly knocked backwards into the house along with the hat it blew off her head. She only made it a few steps forward before being forced to step to the side and be shoved up against the house by the unrelenting wind. The terrible rumbling she heard was even louder now while an uneven chorus of wood cracking and snapping sounded from every direction.

"Everyone!" yelled Devlin over the noise. "Head for the fence! Use it to pull yourself towards the shelter!" Clem watched as Devlin struggled against the wind for a few seconds before crossing from the house over to the fence. The man dug his hands into the gaps in the chainlink, then waved to the others. "Come on!"

Anthony crossed next and Sin struggled to follow behind him, falling to his knees as he reached the fence. Clem's heart was in her throat as she watched Patty and Sarah group together to go next. The pair locked hands, while Sarah used her free arm to keep Omid tightly grasped against her chest. Clem's heart skipped a beat as they both stumbled forward, looking ready to be bowled over by the wind at any second. It wasn't until Patty grabbed Devlin's arm did Clem finally hear someone shouting in her ear.

"Come on!"

Clem looked into Jet's eyes for a moment, then locked arms with him. She felt her stomach drop as they let go of the side of the house and the full force of the wind felt stronger with each passing step. The pair had to lean into to wind and let their weight push against it just to avoid being knocked off their feet. With the rain blinding her as she moved, Clem could only trust Jet knew where they were going as she felt him leading her arm first to what she hoped was the fence.

Clem suddenly felt herself slamming into something metal and threw out her free hand to find the stiff chainlink between her fingers. Releasing Jet and looking ahead, it felt like sharp pebbles were being tossed at Clem's head as the rain stung her face. Keeping her head down as she pulled herself along, Clem could hear that horrible rumbling sound grow even louder. Looking up, she watched as a lightning strike lit up the sky just long enough to make out the outline of a giant swirling mass of inky blackness just past the edge of the forest.

"Oh God…" The light faded and Clem found herself transfixed by the sight of the dark sky, now knowing what was out there hiding just out of sight. Forcing herself to look back down, Clem saw Devlin had reached the storm hatch buried between the guest house and the fence. Clem started pulling herself along as fast as she could, the roar of the wind becoming deafening as she caught up with the others all lined up behind Devlin as he tried to reach the hatch.

Devlin tried pulling open the hatch with one hand while clinging to the chainlink, but the wind almost immediately slammed it shut. Another, louder chorus of cracking and snapping sounded over the roar of wind as Clem spotted trees on the horizon falling over almost in sync with each other. Clem instincts drove her to move forward but she couldn't; Jet was right in front of her, who was stuck behind Patty and Sarah, who were waiting behind Sin and Anthony, who were all watching in vain as Devlin tried to juggle the impossible of opening the hatch against the wind while clinging to the distant fence for stability.

After another failed attempt, Clem watched as Sin moved past Anthony and hurried to Devlin as quickly as he could through the wind. The two men seemed to confer for a second before Devlin moved a little further along the fence and grabbed the post instead of the chainlink, then Sin moved forward and grabbed Devlin's free hand. Clem watched as the older man moved against the wind just long enough to grab hold of the storm hatch's handle, then Devlin pulled on Sin's arm, effectively using him as a human hope to pull the hatch open.

As soon as the hatch was wide enough to pass through, Anthony bolted from the fence and hurried inside. Patty followed behind him, doing her best to lead Sarah by the arm while she clung to Omid for dear life. Clem's heart was in her throat as she watched them struggle to move against the wind, terrified it would topple them at any moment or that the funnel cloud would suddenly appear on top of them and suck them away into dark sky never to be seen again.

Patty reached the hatch, then dragged Sarah far enough forward that she could reach the edge. Clem watched anxiously as Sarah threaded her legs into the hole, then disappeared underground, Patty following right behind her. Without a word, Clem felt Jet grabbing her arm and they moved in tandem as they tried to cross the short few feet from the fence to the hatch. Clem wasn't so much walking anymore as being dragged forward as it felt like the wind would pull her out of Jet's grasp any second now.

Crossing in front of the open hatch, the door blocked most of the wind and Clem almost fell forward as the sudden break from it caused her to nearly lose her balance. Edging towards the hatch, Clem briefly caught sight of Sin and Devlin and the agonized expressions on both their faces. The door to hatch shook in place as the wind tried to wrest it from Sin's aged hands. Jet let go of Clem's arm and hurried into the open hatch, Clem following right behind him, threading her legs through the opening and dropping into the dark pit without a second thought.

"Come on!" Clem didn't know who was yelling until she saw Patty move into the light and start climbing back up the ladder. "We gotta keep the door open long enough for Sin and Devlin to get in here!"

Clem felt someone brushing past her in the dark and watched as Jet climbed the ladder after Patty. Patty tried pushing against the door with one hand while clinging to the ladder with the other, but Jet climbed past her. He stuck the upper half of his body past the top of the hatch, then carefully pivoted in place on the ladder until his back was pressed against the door. Jet stretched out his hands and braced himself against the opposite edge of the opening while his back pushed on the door. Patty quickly emulated Jet's tactic, moving up a little further and turning herself around to do the same.

"Granddad!" yelled Jet at the top of his lungs. "Hurry!"

Clem watched in horror as the hatch nearly slammed shut as it knocked Patty off the ladder and nearly Jet too. Clem was about to race to Jet's aid as he strained with all his might to keep the door even cracked, but Patty scurried back up the ladder and put herself in position. Working together, they managed to push the door open just enough for someone to come tumbling in between the pair's arms.

Sin fell forward onto the ground, landing on his shoulder before crumbling onto his side with a painful yelp. Clem hurried over to the man and pulled as hard as she could to help him off the floor. Slowly rising from where he fell, Clem managed to guide Sin forward on his knees towards the nearest wall just as Devlin dropped feet first into the shelter. As soon he landed on the floor, Patty and Jet both fell off the ladder, collapsing into a mess of agonized human bodies as the hatch slammed firmly shut and the shelter was plunged into darkness.

Clem couldn't see anything but could hear voices all around her, some groaning in pain while a couple other breathed loudly while. The sound of Omid crying in a corner cut through all of them, and behind that was the roar of the storm, sounding more like an angry ocean surging above them than the wind anymore. Clem just stood there in the darkness, unsure what to do until she heard a voice call her name.

"Clementine," spoke Sin just above a whisper.

"Yeah?" she responded in the direction she thought she heard Sin speak.

"I have a flashlight… in my right hip pocket," spoke the man in-between deep breaths. "I need you to get it."

"Why me?"

"Because… I can't feel my fingers right now." The words felt like a pin had just pricked Clem's stomach. She reached out into the darkness, finding something that she tried locating the side of. "My right, your left." Clem started feeling her way down the other side of what she assumed was Sin, feeling strange as she did. Eventually, her fingers brushed past what she was fairly sure was a belt, and with a bit more work she located a pocket and the tiny light stuffed inside. Pulling it out and feeling around for the button, she suddenly found herself looking directly at Sin as he held up his hands to block out the light.

"Sorry," said Clem as she lowered the flashlight.

"It's okay." Clem noticed a series of dark bruises running across the fingers on one of Sin's hands, while there were purple and red marks around the wrist on the other.

"Speaking professionally," mumbled Sin in-between deep breaths as he did his best to rub his stiff hands together. "Whoever designed this shelter… overlooked some critical design flaws." Clem wanted to laugh, but couldn't as she watched Sin wearily try to regain feeling in his hands.

"Is everyone okay?" called a shaken Patty through the darkness. Following her voice with the light, Clem saw the woman sitting on the floor near the ladder, rubbing her shoulder. Not far from her was Jet doing the same and Devlin on the ladder fiddling with the hatch until it produced a loud click. Eventually, the light fell on Sarah sitting in the corner, a sobbing Omid still cradled in her arms.

"It's okay," Clem struggled to say as she crawled across the ground to them. "It's okay, I'm here." Clem held up the light and moved in close so Omid could see her face. "I'm right here, it's okay, we're all okay." Omid turning his head and meeting eyes with Clem seemed to settle them both; Omid stopped crying and Clem started breathing normally again.

Adjusting the light a little, Clem finally could see Sarah's face. Her eyes were bloodshot and bugged out, seemingly frozen with the rest of her face in a state of wide-awake terror. "Sarah." Clem's whisper received no answer. "Sarah," Clem said a little louder.

"Sah-rah." Omid's voice finally seemed to reach her. Sarah blinked a few times and looked around, as if she had just woken up.

"Are you okay?" whispered Clem.

"I… I think so," answered Sarah, sounding confused. She adjusted her grip on Omid, then started stroking his hair with her free hand, whenever to soothe him or herself Clem wasn't sure. "Is… is everyone—"

"Oh God!" Anthony's panicked yelp caused Clem to spin around. Her light found its way to the young man as he seemed to be pacing back and forth across the short distance between walls, almost like he was looking for a way out and couldn't accept there wasn't one. "I… I'm gonna die down here!"

"We're not going to die," refuted Clem.

"You don't know that!" Clem flinched as Anthony raised his voice, yet it was the look of absolute terror on his face that frightened her more. His eyes looked like they were ready to pop out of his head while every muscle on his face looked pulled taut. "This—this—this isn't a shelter, it's a god damn prison cell, or a coffin!"

"Anthony, calm down," urged a nervous Patty as she stood up.

"I mean, it's just four walls, there's not even any lights or—fuck, there's not even any vents! I'm gonna suffocate!" Clem found herself aiming the light up at the ceiling and was disturbed to see Anthony was right.

"No one is going to suffocate," stated Sin, raising his voice as he did.

"How would you know!"

"Because I've worked in civil engineering twice as long as you've been alive!"

"Yeah, and—and did you ever examine this death trap before we came down here today?" asked Anthony, more panic creeping into his voice with every word he said.

"There's no way they'd sell a shelter that suffocates people," argued Sin. "That'd be a liability lawsuit just waiting to happen."

"Maybe they figured they could get away with it because most people would never use this damn thing! Companies did shady shit like that all the time right? We could run out of air any minute!"

"If you don't shut up we might," suggested an irate Patty.

"We're not going to run out of air," interjected Jet. "The door isn't even air tight. I could hear this whistling sound above me after it closed so there's at least some air moving in and out of it alone."

"Oh that's great, that damn door is probably defective and the tornado will rip it right off!"

"I locked the door," announced Devlin. "Anthony, man, just relax, okay?"

"Relax!"

"Yeah, we're safe down here, and even if we needed air, which we don't, but if we did, we could risk opening the door for a second to let some in."

Devlin's words suddenly halted Anthony's pacing. He turned and stared at the man for a second, then charged right past him.

"What are you doing!"

"Leaving!" announced Anthony as he rushed up the ladder.

"Shit, stop him!" ordered Patty as she lunged forward and grabbed one of Anthony's legs.

"I'm not staying down here!" yelled Anthony as he tried to reach the door's latch. "I'm going back to the house or my truck! Anywhere but here!"

"You're gonna get yourself killed!" said Devlin as he pulled on Anthony's other leg.

"Or all of us!" added Patty.

Jet sprung forward to help and Clem was about to join him when Anthony fell off the ladder, knocking Patty to the floor with him and nearly toppling Devlin as well. Anthony sprung up in a flash and tried to reach the ladder as Devlin stepped in front of him, grabbing Anthony by the shoulder and collar of his shirt.

"Sit down!" demanded Devlin.

"Let go of me you crazy nigger, I gotta—" Devlin's fist slammed into the side of Anthony's face, knocking him to the floor. Before he could get back up again Devlin put his knee in Anthony's back while he removed his belt. Despite his flailing about, Devlin managed to loop his belt around both of Anthony's wrists and bind them with a forceful tug before tying the end of the belt, and Anthony, to the bottom rung of the ladder.

Anthony demanded to be let go as he struggled against his bonds, a demand no one was willing to entertain. After nearly a minute of cussing and fidgeting in place, Anthony finally stopped, seemingly accepting his fate as he sat there and quietly mumbled to himself. A tense hush fell over the area and everyone seemed to retreat to a different corner to sit out the storm in whatever peace they could muster. Clem left the flashlight on the floor at an angle the illuminated most of the room, then returned to Sarah and Omid.

They didn't say anything, no one did, everyone just sat in silence as they all listened to the constant rumbling above. Every so often there was a loud bang or hard thud against the door that filled Clem with dread. Every time it happened it felt like the storm was announcing its intent to invade their shelter and finish them off. Eventually, the frightening rumble became a less intimidating rushing sound, and then even that faded away as light started streaming into the shelter through the narrow cracks in the door.

Checking her watch, Clem was surprised to see it wasn't even three in the afternoon yet. With the storm seemingly subsiding, there was a long pause before anyone moved to do anything. Eventually, Patty looked at Devlin, which was enough of a signal for him to take action. He maneuvered around Anthony as he climbed up the ladder, then reached for the latch. There was a loud click as he unlocked it, then light came flooding in as he pushed the door open.

"Well?" asked Patty in a quiet voice as she looked up expectedly into the bright light.

"It… it looks clear," reported Devlin, sounding relieved before he climbed out of the shelter. Clem looked over at Sarah and Omid, the former looking exhausted while the latter was quietly whimpering.

"Come on," urged Clem in a calm voice. "Let's go."

Clem helped Sarah to her feet and the pair headed for the exit. Sin and Jet approached the ladder as Patty climbed out.

"Are you okay?" asked Jet as Sin stretched out his trembling hands.

"I… I'm all right," insisted a weary Sin as he slowly wrapped his fingers around the ladder. "My hands are just very sore… as well as my arms… and my shoulders."

"Take your time," urged a sympathetic Devlin. "We wouldn't even have made it in here if not for you."

Slowly, and only somewhat surely, Sin climbed out of the shelter, with Jet right behind him. Next Clem urged Sarah forward, who carefully scaled the ladder with one arm while cradling Omid in the other. Looking down at Anthony while Sarah climbed, she noticed his expression was oddly vacant, his head listing to one side like he was a rag doll. Looking at the red and purple bruise on his cheek, Clem could actually see the outlines of at least two of Devlin's knuckles.

Looking up, she noticed Sarah stepping off the ladder and out of sight. Clem stretched up her leg to pass over the rung Anthony was tied to and climbed up herself. Emerging from the hatch, Clem found a sudden swell of relief in breathing in the fresh cool air. She hadn't even realized how hot and stuffy it had been in the shelter until now. Looking up, the sky was clear and free now, with a bit of orange on the horizon as the sun began to set. Turning her head, Clem could see dark storm clouds to the east and reasoned that was the storm had passed far over them, hopefully.

"Clem?" Clem looked at Sarah, who's face was such a jumbled mess of mixed emotions Clem couldn't be sure what she was feeling. "Can… can you take Omid? My arm is really starting to hurt."

"Oh, sure… sorry," said Clem as she took possession of a still whimpering Omid. "You—" Sarah marched off towards the house, a sudden urgency in the way she walked. Before Clem could go after her, Devlin emerged from the hatch. He looked down at Anthony still tied to the ladder, who could only look back up in response.

"You didn't untie me." Devlin stared at Anthony in response. "Oh come on, is… is this about what I said? I… I'm from Mississippi. I've heard bumfucks say shit like that so often it just kind of gets stuck in your head and I was freaking out and—"

Devlin slammed the hatch shut.

"What are you doing?" asked Clem.

"Giving him a couple of minutes to think," said Devlin as he looked over at Clementine.

"About something he said?" Devlin only stared at the ground in response. "What did he say?" Devlin said nothing. "Was it that word? I've heard it before; nigger."

"From who?" asked Devlin, sounding almost angry. "Did Anthony say that to you before?"

"No, it was a long time ago, and by someone who said all kinds of horrible things I didn't understand," said Clem. "I asked OJ's mom about some of them, and she just told me there's a lot of bad words even adults should never say. I guess that was one of them?"

"Yeah," said Devlin in a low voice.

"What does it mean?"

"It means you’re less than a person, just because of the color of your skin."

"Your skin?"

Devlin held out his hand. "Mine." Devlin gestured to Omid. "His. Your skin. All darker than Anthony or Patty's."

"So?"

"So… some people see that and think that they know you; know that you're no good, know you're a liar, know you're lazy, know you're stupid, or a crook, or a thug, or a killer, or some dumb animal, or any number of horrible things. Just from taking one look at you and seeing your skin is darker than theirs, they know you're a god damn nigger."

"One word means all that?" asked a confused Clem.

"Yeah, it's an ugly word meant to hurt you, made worse by it having nothing to do with who you are but just because of what you look like."

"That… that doesn't make any sense," said Clem as she adjusted her grip on Omid. "I mean, how can someone look at a baby like OJ and think stuff like that about him? That's crazy."

"Yeah, well… some people are crazy," said Devlin with a sigh. "Did… did your parents ever talk to you about something like this? About… what happens when someone says something like that to you?"

"Um… my mom did, on my first day of school," recalled Clem. "Before we left the house, she told me that if any of the other kids called me any names or words I didn't understand, or picked on me because I was a girl, or because I looked different, she wanted me to tell her as soon as I got home."

"And did anyone ever call you anything?"

"Some boys said girls had cooties, and my mom said that was just boys being stupid," said Clem. "There was one boy in the first grade at my old school who always called me an idiot, and I never understood why… do you think he was calling me an idiot because of my skin?"

"I don't know," said Devlin as he shook his head. "People can be ugly to each other for a lot of reasons, and sometimes you're not even sure why. I don't know if Anthony is a racist or just blurted out something he didn't mean while panicking. I'd like to think it's the second one, but either way it's a painful reminder of no matter what I do, I'm still gonna be just a no good nigger in some people's eyes, even now."

"And… what about me? And Omid? Are there people who'd think we're no good because our skin is darker than theirs?" Devlin looked up at Clementine, a bit of sadness in his eyes betraying the sternness he was trying to keep. "Oh…"

"How old were you when the outbreak started?"

"Eight."

"Your mom was probably hoping there be a few more years before she had to tell you… I know mine said she wished I had gotten a little more time before I found out." Devlin took a deep breath. "Take some comfort in one of the few silver linings to everything going to hell is not having to worry about this shit all that much anymore; end of the world tends to rearrange most people's priorities." Devlin looked down at the storm hatch. "But not all of them."

"So, what are you going to do?" asked Clem.

"Nothing really. I'm pretty sure Anthony already knows how I feel about this, so there's nothing left to do but untie him and get back to work, of which we probably have plenty more of now."

"Even though Anthony might think terrible things about you because of the way you look… or because of the way I look?" Clem felt her already racing mind being invaded with disturbing new possibilities as she began to process everything Devlin just told her.

"I had to work around a lot of racist bullshit before the fucking Rapture happened," said Devlin as he opened the hatch. "This is just a drop in the bucket compared to that."

"Can I come up already?" Clem heard Anthony's voice echo from below. "Seriously, I gotta pee and if you leave me here much longer—"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming; I want my belt back." Devlin climbed down the hatch while Clem headed back towards the house, her mind moving from one disturbing revelation to another as she surveyed the damage.

She could see fallen trees in the distance, while large branches and what she could only guess were tiles from their roofs were scattered across the grass both in and outside the fence. Heading for the center of the yard, Clem saw the picnic table they ate at had been blown into the side of the house, one of its benches broken in half. Their grills had all been knocked over and were badly dented all over, and Sarah's greenhouse was gone now.

Looking ahead, Clem could see the entire tent and had been flipped over and was now precariously resting upside down on the far end of the fence, a hundred feet away from where it had been before the storm. Many of the legs were twisted at odd angles and the plastic top torn in numerous places where it had been bent over the fence. And where the tent used to be was Sarah, kneeling in the mud, looking at the pots, tables, and containers of pesticides strewn all across the grass.

"Sarah, I—" Patty came bursting out the back door and immediately hurried over to Clem. "What's wrong?"

"Wrong? Nothing—I mean, not too much—oh, and here's your hat," babbled Patty as she handed Clem her hat back. "The vehicles are okay, and the house looks all right, except that window is still broken, and I think the roof sprung some leaks judging from the puddles I saw." Patty turned her head suddenly, and Clem looked over to see Jet and Sin approaching from the gate bordering the field. "How are the crops?"

"They're mostly all right actually," said Jet. "A lot of the bean poles blew over, and some of the cucumber and tomato cages, but the plants look okay."

"They're small, right on the ground, and probably didn't create much wind resistance," reasoned Sin as he rubbed his head.

"But something did," said Patty, noting the pessimism in Sin's voice.

"The rainwater collector," concluded a downcast Clem.

"It's… technically still there," said Jet.

"Technically?"

"It's intact… but the roof of the barn is gone," announced Sin.

"Gone?" repeated Clem.

"How's that possible?" asked Patty as she looked around. "None of the other buildings got hit that bad."

"Big open doors on both sides, angular roof… wind probably caught it just right and tore it off." Clem hurried across the yard as fast as she could while carrying Omid and looked through the fence at the barn. Sure enough, its roof was gone, and now there were just four battered and mismatched walls standing around each other. Dismayed by her discovery, Clem slowly walked back to the center of the yard where everyone else was standing.

"The actual barrels and pipes we built are all still there," reported Sin. "But without a roof to collect water for them, they're—"

Sarah started shrieking at the top of her lungs, startling everyone. Looking at her, Clem watched as Sarah started choking for air before collapsing into her own hands, crying hysterically. Just in the time it took for Clem to rush over to her, Sarah fell forward into the mud, keeping one hand on her face while pounding the wet soil with her fist.

"Sah-rah!" Omid tried kicking free from Clem's grip, forcing her to set him on the dirt. "Sah-rah!" he repeated as he hurried over to where Sarah was writhing in the mud, making pained sobs through one hand while beating the ground with other. "Muh-boo! Muh-boo Sah-rah!" cried Omid as he threw himself onto Sarah, wrapping his tiny arms as far around her body as he could. "Muh-boo!" he repeated as loud as he could. "Muh-boo-ah-ha-ha…" Omid's words collapsed into a series of loud cries as he clung to a still hysterical Sarah.

Clem knelt down close as Sarah struggled to breathe through her own sobbing. "It's okay," Clem whispered in her ear as she placed her hands on Sarah's shoulders. "It's oh—"

"Not it's not!" shrieked Sarah as she raised her head, revealing her face was racked with pain and covered in mud before immediately burying it back in the dirt as she started crying again.

"Okay, it's not," admitted Clem, fighting her every instinct to cry herself. "But… we still got each other. Okay? That's all I want right now, not a farm, me and OJ just want you to feel better. So please… please stop crying. I'll do anything for you, anything, because I love you more than anything, so please… please just stop crying…"

Clem felt herself beating back her own tears as she listened to Sarah continue to shed hers. She was just about to break down herself when she noticed Sarah's free hand had stopped beating the ground and was just laying there now. Clem reached for it, trying to wrap her fingers around Sarah's, only for Sarah to grasp Clem's hand first, squeezing it so hard it hurt.

"Come on," said Patty as she knelt down beside Sarah. "The Brave surely has plenty of water right now. Why don't you go get cleaned up, then lie down for a while? The rest of us can handle cleaning up in the mean time, and… we'll figure out how to fix this shit tomorrow morning after we've all had a good night sleep. Okay?"

Sarah finally stopped crying, although Clem couldn't be sure if it was because of what Patty said or she was finally too tired to cry. Either way, she didn't resist Patty's attempt to help her to her feet. Clem collected Omid, who clung to Sarah for as long as he could, then Patty helped Sarah stand up. She was covered in mud now and just followed quietly behind Patty and Clem as they all headed across the yard to the driveway.

Reaching the Brave, Clem was glad to see it looked intact, but stepping inside after Patty, she immediately noticed there was a massive crack on the right side of the windshield. Examining it further, the glass didn't appear in any danger of actually breaking, but the crack was yet another reminder of what was quickly becoming a terrible day. Hearing Sarah coming up the stairs behind her, Clem hurried over to her and stood between Sarah and the front, hoping she wouldn't notice the windshield. She didn't and just kept shuffling towards the bathroom as Patty came running out.

"Okay, I rigged up this little bucket over the shower head like a week ago, figuring it can collect water than I can dump out in occasional big bursts instead of that annoying ass on-and-off squirting the plumbing has been doing lately. Guess you'll be the first one to test it since this is the first time we've had water in here in a few weeks."

"Okay…" said Sarah in a barely audible whisper.

"And… I think you should take one of these." Patty opened her hand to reveal a small green pill. It wasn't a gel-capsule like the cold-medicine Clem had seen, but flat and made out of a chalky substance.

"What is it?" asked Sarah.

"It's a chill pill." Clem and Sarah just looked at Patty in confusion. "It's a Xanax, and it'll help you relax and feel better, trust me." Sarah looked at the pill with apprehension. "Look, doctors give these to people who have problems with anxiety, and if one had seen what we just saw outside, they'd tell you they'd want you to take this to feel better. I'm not going to make you take it but I honestly think it'll help right now. Not all medicine is for diseases and physical pain, there's ones like this for when you're miserable and just need some relief."

Sarah looked up at Patty, then took the pill. She popped it in her mouth, then took a swig of water from a cup Patty handed her. "Thank you… both of you," said Sarah in a barely audible whisper.

"It's fine," assured Clem, forcing some optimism into her voice for Sarah's sake.

"Just go get cleaned up and you can just lie down in the bedroom afterwards, all right?" Patty gave Sarah a gentle pat on the shoulder and a smile. Sarah headed into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. The pair stood there in silence for a few seconds, then they heard the sound of intermediately running water and let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Jesus…" mumbled Patty as she rubbed her head. "Everything is so fucked right now."

"I know," said Clem.

"We can fight off hordes of the dead but get our asses kicked by a fucking tornado," groused Patty as she dug through one of the cabinets.

"And a flood before that," added a downcast Clem. "I'm starting to think it doesn't matter if we ever get rid of the walkers or not, things are never going to get better because of all this other stuff we can't do anything about."

"Come on, don't say that," insisted Patty as she pocketed something. "We'll… we'll figure something out. Our plants looked like they survived, so we just got to fix… everything else so we can keep taking care of them."

"But how we fix this stuff?" asked Clem. "And so much of it."

"Yeah, really, I don't even know where to start," admitted Patty.

"Me neither." Adjusting her grip on Omid, Clem smelled something. "Okay, now I do. OJ needs changing."

"I'll go get your baby supplies from the house."

Patty headed out while Clem took Omid into the bedroom. She undressed him, and Patty returned with everything she needed to change him as well, something Clem found oddly relaxing in light of everything else that had happened today. After fitting him with a new diaper, Clem used a baby wipe on his face next, cleaning up his dried tears and crusty nose. Omid was strangely cooperative the entire time, which Clem found concerning.

She was about to take him out when the bedroom door slid open. Clem was surprised to see Sarah standing in the threshold, dressed in nothing but her underwear. Before Clem could say anything, Sarah immediately headed for the bed, ducked under the covers, and wormed her way up to the pillows resting at the top of the bed. Seeing Sarah so forcibly place herself in bed, Clem picked up Omid and prepared to leave when the toddler finally started to stir.

"Sah-rah… Sah-rah!" he repeated as he reached his arms out towards her.

"Just let Sarah rest, we—"

"It's okay…" Clem heard Sarah slowly say from under the covers. She moved her head and arm out from under the blanket and gestured to Omid. "Come Omid, you want to take a nap too."

"Sah-rah." Clem set Omid on the bed and he walked over to where Sarah was lying.

"You're worried about me too, aren't you?" The way Sarah spoke sounded uncharacteristically at ease, and even the way she took hold of Omid seemed different; slower and without the kind of deliberate energy she usually applied when handling Omid.

"Are you okay?" asked Clem as she walked over to the edge of the bed.

"Yeah," said Sarah as she cradled Omid against her body.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"So, that pill helped."

"Yeah," repeated Sarah. "It made me sleepy and my whole body feels… sleepy."

"That sounds kind of like when we drink too much whiskey," noted Clem.

"Sorta," mumbled Sarah. "But my head feels clear, instead of all foggy."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that, I'm not thinking about anything right now, and if I try, it just kind of fades away real quick."

"That doesn't sound good."

"No, it's really good," insisted Sarah without much authority in her voice. "Most of the time, I can't stop thinking when I go to bed."

"About what?"

"About stuff we need to do or that will go wrong. I try not to, but I'll keep thinking about it and sometimes, most of the time, I don't get much sleep."

"I… I didn't know that. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I don't know. I guess I didn't want to worry you," mumbled Sarah. "I didn't think there was anything you could do. I didn't know Patty knew there was a pill that helps."

"Me neither." Clem watched as Sarah turned her head to look directly at her.

"I really miss it…" confessed Sarah, sounding half asleep already. "Miss what?"

"Just… not having to think about all this stuff," said Sarah as she turned away, burying her head in her pillow. "When you told me my dad was lying to me… I hated him for it."

"He—"

"He was trying to protect me," recited Sarah. "I didn't used to believe that, at least, not entirely. But now, thinking about all this stuff we have to do, how dangerous everything is, not just walkers or people, but how easily we could just lose everything…" Even in her sedated state, Clem could hear the tension rising Sarah's voice. "I… I'm starting to think I'd do the same thing." Clem noticed Sarah stroking Omid's hair when she said that.

"I know how you feel," said Clem. "I lied and told Omid the deer would be okay after Anthony shot it, and I didn't want to tell him he was eating it later. Right now, he's probably too young to even understand, but when he gets older—"

"Are we really going to tell him all this stuff?" mumbled Sarah.

"I… I don't know Sarah. Devlin just told me something I hadn't thought about before, and I think my mom tried to tell me about it once, and now I'm wondering what else she wanted to tell me but didn't get a chance to because she was waiting for me to be older and…"

"What did Devlin tell you?"

"It's… complicated. I'll tell you tomorrow," assured Clem. "And it'll be a while before Omid is old enough to understand these things, so we can worry about that later. Maybe by then, things will be a little better and there won't be as much to worry about for him… or us."

"I hope so…"

Clem looked over to see both Sarah and Omid's eyes were shut now as they breathed softly under the covers. She leaned over the bed and kissed Omid on the forehead, then did the same for Sarah. "I love you both."

"I love you too…" mumbled Sarah without opening her eyes.

Clem left the pair to rest, then headed back outside.

"How is she?" Clem turned her head to see Patty standing by the door, lit cigarette in hand.

"She's okay for now I think," said Clem. "She said the pill really helped."

"That's good," said Patty before taking a drag off her cigarette.

"She said she has trouble sleeping because she can't stop thinking about all this stuff that needs to be done," continued Clem. "And that pill cleared her mind and now she's not thinking about it."

"Yeah, Xanax are usually pretty good for mellowing people out."

"Do we have any more of them?"

"You don't want one, do you?" asked Patty.

"No, I just thought if Sarah has trouble sleeping, maybe they could help."

"If she just has trouble sleeping I can probably dig out something lighter for that. We really can't be giving her Xanax every night though."

"Why not? Will it hurt her?"

"Possibly, but probably not, other than she might feel a bit hungover in the mornings."

"Hungover? Like when you drink too much whiskey or beer?"

"No, not anywhere that bad, just a little groggy," said Patty before she took another drag off her cigarette. "It's just, we only got a couple of bottles of them, and once they're used up it'd be hard to find any more, so we should probably save them for… well situations like this. I mean, you saw that pharmacy I tried to raid back on our first outing together. They put up damn walls because one the first things people want when shit gets bad is drugs. And why not, drugs numb the pain of life, and there's no shortage of pain right now."

"Is that why you smoke?" asked Clem as she watched Patty take another drag off her cigarette. "You usually seem to do that when you're upset."

"Yeah, they help calm me down," said Patty as she took the cigarette butt out of her mouth and examined it. "Problem is when you use them so much you start to kind of need them to get by. I actually thought I had quit smoking; I haven't had a cigarette since we left Tulsa. But, I still stashed away a pack from the Sam's Club because I think I knew if I didn't have any smokes around to even me out… I might lose my shit when things got bad."

"You mean like Sarah did?" asked Clem.

"Something like that." Patty dropped the butt on the ground and stomped it out. "All right, we got a couple hours of daylight left, might as well not let them go to waste."

Patty headed for the gate and started moving towards the field, where Clem could see Jet and Devlin were standing up bean poles. Clem moved to follow Patty when she noticed something lying against the fence. It was a large piece of wood, and flipping it over she discovered it was the sign Jet had hung earlier. One of the corners was badly dented now and there was a large crack running across it. Looking over at the Brave, Clem realized the sign was likely what hit the windshield, but looking past that she noticed the front porch of the house.

Clem moved up the steps, grabbed a chair from inside, and hung the sign again. Taking a step back to examine it, she found it was less pleasant to look at now with the large crack in it, but Clem reasoned it was better than just tossing it out. She sighed, then headed towards the field and figured she could start with checking the tomato cages, just like she had done this morning.

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter - First Chapter