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konoha-forbidden-scrolls · 29 days ago

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New Naruto blog? Fresh meat! What if someone signed a summoning contract but instead of something cool like snakes or crows, they got really aggressive geese. Horrible little geese. How would characters react to you just having an entire GANG of geese following you around? 🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿

Welcome! This request is completely unhinged and I had far too much fun while writing it. Love it. I've gone with a mixed bag of characters.🌸

Characters: Kakashi Hatake, Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Shikamaru Nara, Sakura Haruno, Tsunade Senju

Contents: horrible little geese

It's a beautiful day in Konoha and you are a horrible little goose summons...

Kakashi Hatake

Kakashi will be the first to tell you that a summoning contract is one of the most useful tools a shinobi can have. Most of the greatest shinobi have one, and he's no exception.

He's lost count of the amount of sticky situations where his ninken have managed to give him the edge. Just ask Pakkun—he loves to talk about all the times his exploits have saved the day.

So when Kakashi hears you proudly declare that you too have a summoning contract, he's curious to see it. He's of the opinion that a person's summoning animal is a reflection of their personality. Almost like a ninja zodiac.

So imagine his surprise (and dismay) when you bite your thumb and are suddenly surrounded by two dozen honking, hissing, milling geese.

"...geese!?"

"Yup."

"Are you serious?" he asks, sounding rather strained. It's rare to see Kakashi off balance, but a flock of pissy geese will do it.

"What, you don't think my geese can match up to your ninken, Hatake?"

Kakashi scoops up several of his large ninken (and Pakkun), holding them like oversized stuffed animals. "Keep those evil things away from my dogs."

Naruto Uzumaki

Considering that Naruto summons toads, he doesn't exactly have the coolest summoning contract either, but he wonders why you're so cagey about yours. Sure, it's normal for shinobi to keep quiet about their techniques in order to have the upper hand, but you're allies, right?

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Show me, show me! I promise I won't laugh!"

He has absolutely no intention of keeping that promise if your summons is like, dung beetles or something.

Even Naruto isn't prepared for what waddles out of the puff of smoke created by your Summoning Jutsu.

He lets out a startled guffaw, blue eyes threatening to pop out of his head, then doubles over in a fit of raucous laughter.

"What the hell!? Geese—ow! Agh! Get them off!"

His laughter soon dies when the geese start to bite him, enraged by his hideous orange-and-black jumpsuit and his mockery.

Rage, geese, rage!

Sasuke Uchiha

Sasuke didn't ask what summons you have, because he doesn't really care. He himself has both snake and hawks summons, which are arguably pretty cool.

Still, on the off chance you do end up using a Summoning Jutsu around him, he's mildly surprised to hear a low hiss issue from the cloud of smoke before it dissipates. Are you a snake summoner too?

Wait. Was that a...honk?

The smoke clears to unveil a small army of angry little geese—orange beaks, beady little eyes, plump, feathery white bodies, slapping feet. Just honest-to-the-gods geese, like you've raided a farmyard. His eyebrow twitches.

"I'm beginning to reconsider our acquaintance."

"Don't you mean friendship."

"Definitely not now. Not after this. Is this some kind of joke?"

"Don't underestimate my murder geese, Uchiha. Geese, arm yourselves!"

Suddenly every single goose has a kunai clutched in their beak, their beady little eyes glowing red with a deep, murderous rage.

"Attack!"

Sasuke is forced to swifty re-evaluate his assessment of how effective an army of geese can be.

Shikamaru Nara

Shikamaru has a sixth sense for anything that's troublesome, and that sense activates the moment you smile and lift your thumb toward your mouth, ready to bite down and activate your Summoning Jutsu. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he knows shit is about to hit the fan.

His unease is justified the second he sees your waddling horde of honking demons. Without hesitation, he activates his Kagemane no Jutsu and traps your entire flock before they can attack him, a look of resignation on his face.

"I should have known you'd go for something eccentric. You know you're going to get a stupid nickname like the 'Goose-nin', right?"

He holds the geese trapped until you dismiss them, releasing his hand seal in order to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Despite himself, he is a little curious.

"Are they effective in battle?"

"Yeah, I'll show you. We can attack Sasuke again."

"Troublesome, but I might enjoy watching that..."

Sakura Haruno

Sakura is kind of appalled. All the options you had for a summoning contract, and you went for a gaggle of vicious geese?

Not that she has a leg to stand on, since she is a summoner of slugs. Slug summoner. Slime queen.

She keeps a safe distance from them, almost as if she can feel the rage and the fury boiling up in them, the murderous intent rolling off of the feathery little bastards.

Wise move, Sakura, wise move.

"So you can't summon a single one? It's always a flock?" she asks, looking disturbed.

"Yeah, unless I summon the Mother Goose, but I can't do that without causing extensive property damage. So I stick to my Murder Gaggle."

"Murder Gaggle!? Wait, are those kunai in their beaks?!"

Tsunade Senju

Naturally, when the Hokage hears some concerning rumours about your summoning contract, she has you brought to her office to confirm whether or not those rumours are true.

"So." Tsunade's golden eyes scrutinise you over her steepled fingers, her tone serious, commanding. "Tell me about these...geese."

"Oh, sure, let me show you."

"No! Don't summon them in here—!"

Too late. The Hokage's office is suddenly swarmed with dozens of confused, angry geese, squabbling and honking threateningly at anything that moves.

Tonton runs, squealing, to throw herself into the safety of Tsunade's arms.

"So the rumours are true," Tsunade says, feeling as though she needs a stiff drink. "I'll have to take into consideration how this 'Murder Gaggle', as you insist on calling them, can be used for the benefit of the village."

She pauses, tapping her chin.

"Would it be too harsh to unleash them during the Chuunin Exams?"

#konoha-forbidden-scrolls #naruto imagines #naruto headcanons #Kakashi Hatake #Naruto Uzumaki #Sasuke Uchiha #Shikamaru Nara #Sakura Haruno #Tsunade Senju #Kakashi Hatake x Reader #Naruto Uzumaki x Reader #Sasuke Uchiha x Reader #Shikamaru Nara x Reader #Sakura Haruno x Reader #Tsunade Senju x Reader

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henry7931 · 9 months ago

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Dealing With My Bullies

Asher:

These three right here; Kyle, Chase, and Jordan have spent majority of my life bullying me. I’ve put with years of name calling, being pushed down, and even having my head put into a toilet.

And I thought I was done with them the second I wrapped up with high school. But unfortunately, everywhere I turn— those assholes are somewhere.

I’ve tried to ignore them, complained to our school, even tried fighting back but for some reason they have it out for me.

So I’m deciding to take a more drastic measure— magic. Well I assume it’s magic, i don’t even know if this is going to work but at this point I’m desperate!

I found this old book of spells inside of a weird book store. The price on it was pretty steep and even the owner of the store warned me to be careful with it.

As I got home and into my room, I looked through all of the different spells that were available for me to plot my revenge. I mean I could turn them all into toads but where’s the fun in that?

Nah! I want something that’s going to shift the dynamics a bit. I want to hear at least one of them give me an apology.

I kept turning through the book when my eye caught this one spell called; ‘Body Transferal.’

My heart started to race a bit as I read what all the spell does, I can literally swap bodies and become one of them. Thats it!

I laid back in bed thinking about which one of the three I wanted to swap bodies with…

You have Kyle who I really think is only pressured by the other two to participate.

Chase who has been terrible to me could work but he’s not the real leader of their crew.

That leaves me with Jordan, the one who started everything. That’s who I’ll become, I’ll swap with Jordan!

I open the book back up and read all of the necessary things to complete the swap.

‘A stormy night, a silver bowl, plant seeds, a portrait of Jordan, and both of our names written down on a piece of paper that’s burned into the bowl.’

I pull my phone out and check the weather… it’s forecasting a big storm… perfect!

I gather all of the necessary things to perform the spell which was pretty easy.

I waited until the time recommended for the spell right around midnight.

I gather everything and start reciting the spell… I follow each step as listed and begin to burn both of our names into the bowl.

Lighting strikes close and I can hear thunder booming in background as I say, “Transfer our souls! I, Asher White and Jordan Gibson!” Over and over again.

Then a loud boom of thunder hits and the power goes off for a second. I close my eyes tight waiting for the spell to kick in.

That’s when the power comes back on and I open my eyes. I turn to my bedroom mirror and see my disappointed face looking back at me.

I take the Spellbook and I chuck it out my window since I’m slightly frustrated it didn’t work.

It was worth a shot I guess, I figured I might as well go to bed and just forget that I even tried something so silly!

As I fall asleep… I start having this weird dream. In it I find myself floating and somehow hovering over my body.

I start floating more and more away from it until I’m outside…

I’m passing streets for miles and I have no control of where I’m going at all.

I get a house and I see this other glowing ball shaped like a person floating right pass me. I can barely see what I’m looking at since I was still moving so fast. Thats when I get a window and see a bedroom with a male body sleeping face down.

Before I can even get a full picture of who it is, I’m forced into him.

That’s when I wake up…

My head jolts up and I feel so groggy. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust and my brain to catch up after that dream.

Almost an entire minute goes by before I can really take in my surroundings. Thats when it hit me… this isn’t my room!

I flip over on the bed and look down at my legs. They’re more tan than mine and my feet are bigger. I wiggle the toes attached to me just to confirm I now control them.

My memory of last night creeps in and then I realize— the spell, it actually worked!

I quickly get out of bed and rush to the closest mirror I could find. That’s when I see what I already expected. Jordan’s reflection looking back at me.

I pull of all of his shirt and start giggling to myself.

I say aloud, “I’m Jordan Gibson”

But then something else sinks in, the freaking Spellbook! I tossed it out my window last night!

I rush through Jordan’s room and put on some of his clothes quickly.

I grab his car keys and head out the door.

As I’m driving down the road, I can’t help but continuously looking at myself in the mirror. You see one of the biggest things I hate about Jordan is my secret lust for him. Actually my real lust for a lot of the jocks that went to school with me.

But in this moment, I don’t feel that same anger anymore. All I can think about is how after I find this Spellbook, I’m going to enjoy exploring his body.

I get to my house and I see my parents drive off. As they pull away, I pull up to the front.

I run over directly under my window where I see the Spellbook lying in the bushes. I quickly grab it and run off.

Before I get into his car I look up at the window and to my surprise I see myself looking down.

I grin up at Jordan who now learning that I have control of his body.

I see my eyes get big and screams. I almost walk away but instead I look around my neighborhood to see no one’s around.

I pull Jordan’s pants down and start shaking his surprisingly huge dick in front of him while sticking his tongue out.

He’s fuming and shouting but I can’t hear him the glass. I see him rush from the window and I bolt it to his car with his flapping all over the place.

I pull his pants up and star his car. He’s at my front door and charging for me (which is funny seeing my body that angry.)

I pull away just in time and head back to his place. I reach down and fondle his big bulge all the home.

I knew he was going to come here and I really didn’t need him to make a scene.

So I had to think fast, pull out the spell book and dig through until I find a ‘love spell.’

I go into his kitchen and I find all of the necessary things for the spell.

He hasn’t arrived yet so I pull his shirt off and start exploring his body. I grab on to his dick again when I hear a loud knock at the door.

“Oh you’re going to really love yourself Jordan.”

“You better open up!!” I hear my former voice scream.

I grab my new magical potion and walk towards the door.

I let him in and as he begins to charge at me, I lift up the magical potion and toss it right at him.

I close the door and turn around to see my former dazed. His face goes from straight anger to looking almost goofy.

“Asher… you look soo sexy in my body,” he says to me.

“Oh do I?”

“Can I please touch it?”

“Well Jordan you’re going to need to prove yourself to me.”

“Anything for you!”

He gets on his knees and grabs on to his former hands.

“Anything?,” I say with a mischievous smirk.

#body swap #male body swap #male tf #body theft

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adhdduckie · 2 months ago

Text

candy grams. g.w. x reader

my masterlist

music choice; dandelions by ruth b

word count: 2.7 k

pt 2

synopsis;

you've been in love with george for almost as long as you've known him.

that makes 6 years. and for the last 5, you've been in love with him.

valentines' day is around the corner. and you think it's a great idea to send him a candy gram anonymously. a/n - no valentines this year so i thought id finally lock in and give some of yall a treat! hope u enjoy + pls interact!

George Weasley is one of your favourite people ever. He's sweet, funny and kind when he wants to be. So, many girls you know have a crush on him. So do you. It's kind of a pain, most of the time. He's your best friend, you're so integrated into his family, the burrow is your second home. Molly loves you, and so does the rest of the family.

George and Fred are both large parts of your daily life. You're one of the only people who are able to tell them apart. They look exactly the same, but you're able to tell a difference. You're not even entirely sure how you know, but you just know.

Classes with the two are entertaining, you sitting between the two on a bench, stifled giggles can be heard throughout the classroom, and are a constant in every class you have with the twins. You're closest with George, having become friends in first year when you were placed next to him in potions after snape had enough of the twins sitting together.

Although it wasn't till second year before you realised you cared about george beyond a friend should. A constant figure in your mind, and a constant figure in your life, he invaded every moment of your life.

it wasn't like he did it on purpose. he was just everywhere you turned. In the hallways, laughing with fred while they made fun of Ron, next to you in classes, sitting across from you in the great hall at feeding times, and during the holidays when he'd send you constant letters on updates of things he and his brother made in their room. You were invited over a lot, but obviously you had to spend some time with your family before you went over to the burrow.

You had lived with these feelings for years, not many knew. Fred didn't, so George didn't. Hermione seemed to be the only one that knew, and it was only because of her intelligence was she able to figure out. 5th year was honestly the worst. Your O.W.Ls were coming around, and you had the stupid pink toad umbridge for a teacher. she was a pain in the ass, constantly punishing students for practically no reason.

Because McGonagall understood how everyone was in low spirits, she introduced the muggle idea of candy grams. There were some students who found them stupid since they derived from muggles, but you wanted to try it. So, on the fourteenth of february, you bought one. Sent it to George. left it anonymous, because you just wanted him to know someone out there liked him.

you regretted sending that damn candy gram not even 20 minutes later, the moment he came bounding into the common room with a pesky grin on his face, yelling out your name.

"what?" you said as you looked up from your book.

he shoved the paper under your nose, effectively poking you in the eyes with the corner of the paper. "look! someone sent me a candy gram." he grinned at you.

"congrats?" you say, trying to keep your cool, hoping that he couldn't tell that you were the one that wrote it. You didn't want to lose his friendship. It really meant too much to you, and you'd probably rather die than lose him.

"do you not get the significance of this moment?" he clutched his chest dramatically.

"i refuse to believe someone actually has a crush on you. You're such a menace to society." you tell him, rolling your eyes, trying to keep yourself together and not end up screaming and running away.

There's a knowing glint in his eyes that you don't seem to notice, but he doesn't respond or comment on anything. He shoves the note under your nose again, forcing you to read it.

"Dearest George,

I hope this note finds you well. I couldn't keep these feelings hidden any longer, but I must remain anonymous for now. Over the years, I've cherished our friendship more than words can express. But it's evolved into something deeper, something I can't deny.

You've become the light of my life, and I can't help but feel a love that goes beyond friendship. If one day, you discover who I am and feel the same way, I'll be waiting, ready to take a chance for us.

Until then, I remain in secrecy.

sincerely and with love,

a secret admirer"

he reads out by heart, as if he's memorised the entire thing already. you gape at him, not knowing what you're actually supposed to say right now. nothing has prepared you for this moment.

"well?" he demands, plopping his weight down on the cushion next to you.

"well what?" you ask him, slightly flushed from having a love note you've written read out to you by the person you like.

"what do you think? who do you think it is?" he questions you, bombarding you with several questions when you're still trying to process what possessed you to send him the candy gram in the first place.

"man, i don't know." you tell him, shrugging, turning back to your book, trying to move the topic on.

"oh come on y/n! help me out here! I'm your best friend..." he whines, dropping his head in your lap. It's a common habit of his, invading your personal space, but let's be honest, you don't mind in the slightest.

"what do you want me to do?" you sigh. He always has a way of making you crumble. He beams instantly, Sitting upright again, almost head butting you and giving you a lovely little concussion.

"help me find out who it is!" he responds with a cheeky grin.

"why, george? are you going to make fun of them or something?" you sigh tiredly, really wanting him to give up on this, but you know how he is. once he starts, it's hard to get him to stop.

"because, what if she's hot?" he wiggles his eyebrows at you, and you can't help but crack a smile at his simplicity.

"just because she might be hot? What if she's super ugly? What will you do then?" You tease him, but you do want to know what he's going to do when he finds out it was you, and crushes his hopes of it being Angelina Johnson.

"I know she's pretty." he responds in retaliation.

"how do you know?" you challenge, raising your eyebrow at him as you question your own sanity for liking someone like him.

"It's a gut feeling." he shrugs his shoulders, before standing up from the couch, offering you his hand to pull you up. you set your book down with a sad sigh, accepting his hand as he pulls you up. His hand envelops yours easily, as if they fit together, and his hands are a nice kind of warm, warm enough to make you feel happy, but not warm enough to make you clammy and sweaty. the perfect balance.

he's a lot stronger than you give him credit for, and he pulls you up easily, till you're standing almost chest to chest, well more like head to chest, since he's so much taller than you. If you looked up at him, you would be close enough to kiss. His smell envelopes you, a rich smell of freshly upturned grass and the smell of smoke and a Christmas fire.

you clear your throat abruptly, and the pair of you spring apart. you're avoiding eye contact with george, but if you looked at him you would see how the tips of his ears are red enough to match the colour of his hair.

You get a strange look from the other people in the common room, and fred, who's been close enough to hear the entire conversation, grins at what he's just realised.

He lets out a light chuckle, and you turn to look at him, raising your eyebrow. He shrugs and grins. George's deliberately avoiding eye contact, looking everywhere but you. Fred laughs louder, to the point where he needs to lean on the edge of a couch to prevent himself from falling over.

George pauses, looks at you, before he grins. "You can start helping me tomorrow." He says, before bouncing away, out of the portrait hole. Fred laughs even louder. You turn to him again, before frowning.

"what?" you ask him. It sets him off again, he only stops laughing when he starts coughing.

Fred holds up his finger, and you wait till he regains his composure. He takes another look at you before it sets him off again. You groan.

"I think i know who sent my dear brother the candy gram." He says, wiping a tear away from his eye with his index.

"oh yeah? who?" you ask. Your heart's thumping in your ears, but you're trying your best to seem calm and collected.

a smile stretches across his face, and he looks like he's planning something. "oh, my dear y/n. I do indeed. It seems the girl and i are quite close." he purrs, pulling you close into a hug. You sigh, wrapping your arms around fred.

"please don't tell him." you whisper, hiding your face into his chest. he smiles. He's viewed you as a little sister since the beginning, and he's glad you feel the same way for his brother as his brother does for you.

"i wouldn't dream of it. Unless.....?" he starts, but drifts off, not finishing the sentence.

"fred!" you whine, irritated.

"okay, okay." he laughs, pulling back from the hug, resting his hands on your shoulder, staring deep into your eyes. suddenly he goes serious, the smile dropping off his face quick.

"but seriously. If you never tell him, i'll do it eventually. You can't stay secret admirer forever, and i'm most likely going to die of frustration just watching you two." He finishes. Stepping back, plopping down onto the couch

"i shouldn't have done it fred! i don't know what i was thinking." you groan, hiding your face in his shoulder, plopping down next to him.

"well i think it was a good idea." fred says, throwing an arm carelessly across your shoulder. you groan in response, closing your eyes with a sigh.

the next couple of days are strange, to say the least. George actively seeks you out more than usual, the only topic he speaks of is his secret admirer. It's quite strange, having the object of your affections constantly speak of a romantic gesture you made toward them without them knowing. It's nice, but quite scary, to say the least.

there's the constant fear of being discovered, and when discovered, you're afraid that george is going to be disappointed that you were the one that sent it to him and not Angelina Johnson.

but whatever, you need to act as inconspicuous as possible, right? fred certainly isn't helping, constantly giggling to himself whenever the topic is brought up, while george flashes him a questioning side eye.

one day after potions lesson during lunch, you and george remain behind in the classrooms, cleaning up as a form of punishment from professor snape.

you're kneeling on the floor, cleaning up a spill from some third years. without magic. if it wasn't obvious that snape hated you beforehand, it is now.

you don't even remember what exactly it was that you did, but here you are anyway. george, who somehow got the easier task, is just sitting on a chair as he scrubs at some of the tables in the room.

"this is all your fault, george." you blame, rubbing at the persistent stain on the floor.

"how? you were the one giggling too loudly." george throws back at you. very maturely, you throw the rag you're using at his face. he blocks it, instead of hitting his face, it hits his arm with a wet 'thwump'.

'hey!" he complains at you, throwing it back at you. you duck out of the way, and it hits the wall behind you with another wet sound.

you turn to stare at where it went, and you look back at him, before you burst out into giggles together.

suddenly, you hear the sounds of footsteps, and knowing snape, you stumble to get the rag and go back the stain, rubbing at it with the best of your ability.

you hear the sound of the door groaning on its hinges as it slams open, revealing a disgruntled and angry prof snape.

“i thought. i heard laughter.” he drawls in his cold and distatched tone, the corner of his mouth turning down in distaste.

“no, professor. we wouldn’t dare. Perhaps it was Peeves running through.” you answer, in your best imitation of a innocent student, and professor turns his eyes onto you, glaring at you with distaste.

“i’d hope not. if i hear another peep out of you both, it’s 50 points from gryffindor. each.” he teels you, before swishing around in his ridiculous cape and exiting through the door.

you both turn to each other slowly, before doubling over in silent laughter, clutching your stomach insanely.

once you’ve both managed to contain yourselves, you get back to the work you’re supposed to doing, letting the silence pass between you comfortably.

you hear a little sigh leave george’s mouth, and you turn to look at him, noticing that he’s already looking at you.

“what?” you ask him, raising your brow at him.

he flushes a red that makes his freckles stand out, and you wish so desperately to count them all at some point.

you will manage to do that at some point if you’re lucky..you’ll probably have to disguise it as some kind of friendly activity…

he avoids your eye contact and he sighs, before looking back up at you for a second, before he asks, “are you sure you don’t know who wrote the candy gram?”

your heart stutters in your chest, a little part of you feeling an intense need to run as fast and as far as possible.

“yeah. sorry, george. I promise I asked around.” you so blatantly lie, and he just kind of stares at you, and he doesn’t look impressed at all. you swear his left eye twitches a little.

after a beat of you avoiding as much eye contact with him as possible, by looking somewhere else, anywhere else from him, because he honestly scares you a little and honestly any thing to do with your emotions so obviously displayed is quite terrifying.

another moment passes by you, and you try to turn your attention back to the stain you’re scrubbing at. you begin to stand up, about to go get some more soap to make sure the stain really does get out, when you hear george call your name.

‘….you do realise I can recognise your handwriting, right? we’ve been friends for ages.” he tells you, and your head whips to him so fast, you get whiplash.

“what?” you respond, ever the poet.

“your handwriting. I know you sent me the candy gram.” he mutters, standing up to match you, stalking forwards with his eyes set on you. “why are you lying?” he asks you, stopping right in front of you.

you can’t respond. you’re frozen, mouth wide open as you gape at him. he’s very close to you now, and you feel your heart thumping in your chest. “i don’t know what you’re talking about.” you lie, walking sideways as he follows you, while you try to face the door to escape.

“i know, for sure, that it was you who sent it to me.” He asserts again, following you, not to closely as to make you uncomfortable, as he is ever the kindest soul you will ever know.

you know that you are not ready to have this conversation right now, so you feign that someone is calling your name, and make a run for it. “oh. is that someone calling me? oh yes it is. Yes I’m coming!”

george tries to stop you, by putting an arm out to block you, but you duck under, sprinting out the door as quick as you can.

you’re swearing as you run, and you hear him call out your name, once, twice and then silence.

pt 2

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a/n -> this has been in my drafts for much more than a year so im glad i finally got it out...

pls pls pls pls interact and comment i love reading comments

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the-booty-crusader · 3 months ago

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BinggeYuan streamer x video game fic

There’s a rumor going around the gaming community. It sounds a bit like one of those old creepypastas, although without a punchline.

You see, in the hyper popular cultivation-based MMORPG called “Proud Immortal Demon Way”, there’s an encounter that can happen at any time, that is different from any other encounter in the game.

It can only happen once to a player in a lifetime; strangely enough it does not even repeat when a player switches accounts and locations.

The encounter is generally only a few seconds long, and with how rarely it’s encountered, there’s only a scant few pieces of proof that it’s even real.

To most players in the game, this encounter is a fun easter egg to be seen once, ask about online, get validation that many others have experienced the same and then wonder about it from time to time.

For one streamer, the encounter would change his life as he knew it.

—

A few months before the first encounter…

“Thanks for the gifted subs, BouncingPlum! Always appreciated.” said Peerless Cucumber, an up-and-coming gaming streamer who’d garnered a fairly large following of Chinese, American and most importantly, Chinese-American viewers. Shen Yuan, being a second generation Chinese in an immigrant family was a slight young man due to complications with his health, but his personality was feisty, temperamental and passionate, if his viewers were to be believed.

Specifically about his favorite game, Proud Immortal Demon Way.

He streamed a few times a week, with his over 4500 followers usually being fairly consistent viewers.

In these streams, Peerless Cucumber would show off crazy character builds, new monsters and herbs that were added or discovered and locations that opened up.

“Oh, this is the cave of the Roaring Eye Toad! I’ve mentioned it before. When you first encounter it,” Shen Yuan starts, walking up to the gigantic toad in the back of the half-flooded cave, “It looks like a regular toad. But when it attacks…”

The toad played an attack animation, revealing that the creature’s gigantic mouth was, in fact, a gigantic eyeball that immediately locked onto Shen Yuan. Where a regular toad’s eyes should be, two smaller mouths opened up with long tongues whipping around it.

It looked a bit odd, but really, that’s why Shen Yuan liked the creatures in this game. They were so cool, and a bit weird and sometimes silly.

Oh, Shen Yuan spent as much time complaining about the game as he did praising it. The mechanics were more often than not contrived or weird and most of the time ended up being weirdly lewd! Why did each piece of clothing come with three submodels that could be triggered when coming in contact with slicing weapons or acid?! Was it necessary to destroy players’ clothes when attacked?!

That was the reason why almost every other player in PIDW was walking around in a female avatar. They just wanted to see the clothes get ripped off of their characters. Bah!

Not to mention the erotic animations and voice lines! The female player characters were absolutely horrendous in that regard, always moaning and panting and every voice line seems to be a sexual innuendo.

Truly a hateable game.

It had a saving grace, however. The worldbuilding was absolutely phenomenal. The animals had logical reasons for existing and the biomes were interesting and believable, in a fantastical way. Their designs were like nothing Shen Yuan had seen before in other games. Not to mention there were potions and items with effects that other games usually didn’t bother with, usually in interesting ways. Although he could certainly do without the papapa-mechanics.

Anyways, lore! There were so many sects and villages and countries with their own history, and there were two distinct realms that you could visit with their own ecosystems and history that were at war! It made for great PVP fodder, of course, but the real treat was the events that furthered the plotline.

Shen Yuan’s eyes fell on a message in the Twitch chat, asking about the new lore added in a recent update. He immediately pushed up his glasses and started to explain, ignoring the few comments calling him out for looking like some geek from an anime.

“Well, the newest dungeon is an ancient palace that seems to have been owned by an Emperor many centuries ago. Apparently he was a half-demon who worked to unify the worlds, causing immense destruction and deaths in the process.” Shen Yuan rattled off, skipping over the part where the man apparently had over three thousand wives. “He was like a protagonist all on his own! I haven’t been able to get all the lore from the palace yet, but we can try tackling it today to find more lore. We’d be some of the first.” he said smugly, and the rest of that stream was dedicated to exploring the huge new palace and finding loot, scrolls and books that described the history of the place and its inhabitants. The palace was way too big to explore in a single stream, of course, what with the literal thousands of harem members’ rooms.

The place looked abandoned and oddly realistic compared to the other locations revealed in-game so far.

After six hours of endless explorations, Peerless Cucumber ended his stream.

He immediately went onto the forums to discuss his findings, only to see a few new threads speaking of a new random encounter. Excited, Shen Yuan clicked the threads, only to be met by what seemed like vague, creepypasta-esque descriptions of an encounter. Apparently, multiple people had experienced it, but no footage had been caught yet. Finding new, fresh-off the press content like this was Shen Yuan’s absolute favorite; he thrived off of the feeling of discovery. He immediately opened the threads in multiple tabs over his two screens to cross-reference, opening his notebooks to get every piece of information he could out of this encounter.

The encounter was described pretty consistently as follows.

While doing regular activities within the game, the player would suddenly hear a deep, ominous voice echoing over their sound system, sounding almost like someone was whispering in their ear. English-speaking players claimed it might be saying something like “Sister” or “sizzling” or “system”, although none sounded quite right from the mixed responses in the comments.

The atmosphere in the game would turn dark and ominous, and the players even felt something eerie, themselves.

This is where accounts of the occurrence started to vary the most. Some people claimed to see a glitchy, red thundering rend in space appear like a knife ripped a hole into spacetime. The cut would then open up into a ragged hole, from which a blurry dark figure crackling with red energy would rush at their character. Other people claimed a red lightning bolt zapped towards their characters from off-screen, and one person even claimed they were struck by the red lightning from above.

In every case, however, their characters ended up somehow incapacitated; either held against the ground or held up by the neck in a chokehold by a mysterious man.

The man was taller than any playable character in the game so far, with a muscular yet lithe build. His hair was dark and curly and he had a glowing red huadian on his forehead to match his glowing eyes.

The man would seem to inspect their characters, in a way that almost seemed too real, having detailed expressions and micromovements that would usually be skipped for such encounters.

Then the character would be killed in a single move, sometimes with a loud crack of a snapped neck, sometimes with a single slash of the ominous red-and-black blade the mysterious man would sometimes pull out. Shen Yuan noted the sword was usually only mentioned by people who had seen the man step out of a portal.

Apparently the strange new character had multiple voice lines as lots of people claimed to have heard something different when the man killed their character. Lots of players complained about the fact all the voice lines were in Chinese, but the Chinese community rejoiced in having their culture represented more in game.

Shen Yuan snorted a little at that. It’s a fucking cultivation game, it’s ALL Chinese representation, ah!

“Tch, another empty husk.” reported one player translated from Chinese, while another claimed they heard, “These things are everywhere.”. Another claimed the man didn’t speak at all.

The next moment is where the whole thing got a little bit scary, and perhaps a bit meta.

The man would then turn to face the player. Not the dead player character, but the actual player’s screen, staring right at them. Some people even claimed the man’s eyes followed their movements, but that would be insane; Proud Immortal Demon Way had no access to webcams.

Strangely enough, in this next part everyone who spoke Chinese seemed to agree on the exact wording used.

“No, you’re not him.” the man would say, before disappearing as suddenly as he had appeared, the atmosphere returning to normal.

People were a little mad about this unskippable encounter that would and could instantly kill their character, but luckily this game was very forgiving when it came to death, allowing a player to return to their body with minimal effort and only a small fee of gold.

While Shen Yuan was about to type a response asking for screenshots, another reply was posted where someone had shaky phone footage of their screen where their character was actively getting murdered by this NPC. The player babbled in Spanish as their character got killed and discarded and the strange new character turned to the camera, too blurry to be seen properly.

Shen Yuan felt a chill up his spine when the eyes turned towards the camera, and he felt like they stared right through his screen at him.

But that was silly.

However, something that wasn’t in any of the text descriptions of the encounter happened in the video.

“I’ll find you, Shizun.” said the mysterious man in fluent and noble-sounding Mandarin, and Shen Yuan felt goosebumps rising on his arms. That felt strangely personal.

The strangest thing about the whole encounter, however, was that the character did not match the artstyle of the rest of the game. PIDW was a very painterly-looking game with slightly exaggerated features and organic shapes, while this man looked… Real. Strangely so. It added a whole new layer of mystery into the whole situation.

The discussion continued fervently in the thread, and Shen Yuan participated merrily.

He was a known figure within the gaming community, so his input was both valued and sometimes ridiculed. After all, his theories on these threads came with as much criticisms and harsh words as they did praise and adulation.

PeerlessCucumber (posted at 01:21 AM):

This encounter certainly is interesting, if a bit cliche. Very “Ben Drowned”-inspired, I would say. The only way this could be more overdone is if there was blood raining from the skies when the guy appears and he jumpscares the player after killing their characters!

Maybe it’s retribution for all your characters looking like they came from an XXX-rated donghua, ha!

Have we figured out what triggered it yet? Some people were farming, a few were in the middle of a dungeon and there was even one person that was just logging out. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it! And what’s with the artstyle, huh? Can’t the devs be arsed to keep to their own game design?!”

Shen Yuan typed out a few more paragraphs of theories before posting it. Then he yawned, looking at the clock and seeing it was past 2 am. He could look into it more during his next stream.

–

He didn’t end up encountering the strange man in that stream, or the next, or the next. He didn’t end up getting the encounter for weeks. He was a little miffed at first, going through the motions and exploring the new lore and palace. He found overgrown gardens, a throne room and even a dungeon with a lake that held a pickling pot on a platform in the center, with only a partial skeleton remaining inside to hint at its intended purpose. He found that last one unsettling and gruesome yet morbidly fascinating.

He heard about people encountering the strange NPC from time to time, but eventually he mostly forgot about it as no new information came out.

That is until one night he saw a new thread on the forums about the NPC, claiming the mysterious man seemed to be getting more aggressive. The character, now nicknamed “The Rogue Emperor” due to his first appearance coinciding with the new palace dungeon and his royal-looking robes, used to talk to his victims sometimes, referring to someone called “Shizun”. People were starting to consider whether the mysterious man could be a bug or a rogue AI, though nobody put much stock into these theories. It was true that the NPC’s behavior changed over time, however.

Nowadays there was nearly no dialogue, just an annoyed growl here and there. The man would look at the player’s screen for a distance and leave, angrily. Attempts to follow the character were unsuccessful as, inevitably, another red crackling portal would be opened with the man’s sword and he would vanish through it.

People online were, of course, theorizing about an upcoming event that this whole encounter thing was a build-up for. Perhaps the man was a new raid boss and he would be found inside a hidden room in that recently-released palace, some suggested. Others thought it might be a rogue artificial intelligence, although they were laughed out of any forums they posted in.

Regardless of the reason behind it, Shen Yuan was a bit disappointed that, to this day, he had still not encountered the elusive Rogue Emperor for himself. He made sure he was always recording when he played PIDW, in case he did encounter the character. He did not want to miss it, although he would prefer to have the event happen while he was streaming.

Lo and behold, whatever gods might exist hear Shen Yuan’s silly little request as he was an hour into his usual Saturday stream— one of his busiest in a while as a new questline was revealed that would give more information about the palace— when suddenly, his screen took on a darker, more reddish hue.

It took him a moment to recognize the oddity, wondering at first if he’d had a curse placed on him like his viewers sometimes did as a prank, if only to get PeerlessCucumber started on one of his famous rants.

It was when he saw the slight visual glitching in the game that he realized exactly what was going on and he immediately got excited.

“Oh my— guys, guys, it’s happening, it’s happening!” he said excitedly, pointing at his screen with a big smile. His chat always lagged a few seconds behind like every other streamer’s, so it took a few moments for them to catch up.

By then, the red sparking lightning had started and by the time chat caught up, Shen Yuan’s character was being choked out.

Shen Yuan knew his facecam was shaking from his excited movements but he didn’t care, it was finally his turn!

He started describing how the encounter would go as he watched the tall, muscular character snap his own character’s neck (eh, it would take like two hours to regain his previous prestige, it’s fine) and drop the lifeless body to the ground.

Immediately, the man’s red glowing eyes locked onto Shen Yuan��s.

Shen Yuan happily described how, next up, the tall man would sigh or grunt about how the player was not who he was looking for and— and….

The character was approaching?

He looked… honestly, the character looked out of place. Shen Yuan had a good computer, sure, but PIDW had a more fantastical and slightly anime-like art style than could be fully realistic.

This man, this character looked photo-realistic. Shen Yuan wasn’t sure if anyone had ever gotten such a clear close-up of the man who had, apparently, broken his usual script and continued to approach, eyes intent and locked onto Shen Yuan’s.

“This is… wait, guys, this is different.” he finally said. Maybe he somehow broke its programming?

His screen flashed a black frame and when it came back on, the man was in front of the user interface.

Shen Yuan was vaguely aware of his chat going insane for a few moments as the character continued to approach before it, and most everything else on Shen Yuan’s screen completely froze save for the Rogue Emperor who was now practically right up against the screen.

And Shen Yuan wasn’t gay (or at least, he didn’t think he was), but this man, photorealistic as he was, was the most gorgeous man Shen Yuan had ever laid eyes on. Long, curved lashes framed luminescent red eyes. A sharp jawline that would make Henry Cavill jealous and long, curly dark brown hair framing a face that looked like it was carved by angels, with perfect, soft-looking, kissable lips— but like, platonically.

Shen Yuan also didn’t recall the Rogue Emperor having his cleavage on display like that but that was neither here nor there. Shen Yuan just thought the piece of jade jangling around between those pillows was interesting, okay?!

His face wasn’t red, it wasn’t.

The man leaned forward, to the point where if the screen were a window, his breath would be fogging it up.

Shen Yuan watched in a daze as the man then put his hand on the edge of the screen like it was the most natural thing and the man’s previously intense glare slowly twisted into a satisfied, smug and downright unsettling grin, exposing sharp cannes that Shen Yuan did not find sexy at all, no siree. He was so straight.

A voice that sounded way too close to be coming from his speakers startled Shen Yuan as the man suddenly spoke.

“Found you, Shizun.”

The stream ended with a single freeze frame of what looked like a robes arm with black claws reaching from off-screen towards PeerlessCucumber, the man looking absolutely horrified.

That was the last time anyone heard from PeerlessCucumber in a little over a year.

—

A year later, on a random Saturday in early March, PeerlessCucumber posted on his social media that he would do an impromptu stream in a few hours to hopefully lay to rest some of the more insane theories that had cropped up about his disappearance in the past year.

This caused a much bigger stir than any other of Shen Yuan’s previous streaming notifications as the name PeerlessCucumber had grown to be an internet phenomenon. A cute streamer with a fiery personality that was absolutely obsessed with the game and passionate about streaming, suddenly disappeared after encountering a niche event in his favorite game, after which some straight-up creepypasta crap took place.

Most people thought the whole thing was a publicity stunt.

Those people were often refuted by the fact that PeerlessCucumber had, in fact, disappeared after the whole debacle, so doing a publicity stunt only to not take advantage of it sounded stupid in that regard. Those people were often, in return, reminded of the spike in active players in PIDW after PeerlessCucumber’s thought-to-be-final stream, and thought the whole thing was set up by the game’s creators to get more interest in their game.

There were even some fringe opinions that the guy in the game had somehow abducted Shen Yuan which were usually considered crack ideas.

That is, until the young, sickly third son of the extremely wealthy Shen family was reported missing, who bore an uncanny resemblance to PeerlessCucumber. No, they actually looked exactly the same.

The plot thickens, because why would someone that rich take a sponsorship from PIDW to participate in this event and then stop streaming?

Nothing was adding up.

Especially when, a few weeks or so later, the Shens retracted their missing person’s report, claiming Shen Yuan was located. He never came into the public eye again though.

Multiple people made hours-long video essays on the subject positing their own theories and ideas on the matter, boosting the general populace’s awareness of the situations to untold levels.

The theories went from a murder plot to Shen Yuan deciding streaming wasn’t for him and trying to go out with a bang, to alien abduction.

So when PeerlessCucumber turned on his stream, he was surprised that, rather than his usual 800 or so viewers, he had closer to 150k viewers.

Needless to say, he seemed a bit nervous.

He adjusted his camera slightly, first and foremost, once the “Stream will start soon!” splash-screen was replaced with full-screen camera footage of Shen Yuan himself.

His hair was longer, now, worn in a loose ponytail. He wore a loose robe with what looked like a shirt underneath and it was the first time he’d been on camera without dark bags under his eyes.

He cleared his throat.

“Uh, hi! Long time no see.” he started, sounding as cheerful as he always had during his streams.

“So, apparently, there’s been some… ah… confusion about my last stream. Which is understandable given how it went and. Uh. Yeah! I’m here to let you all know that I’m fine! Some personal things came up and I’ve just been really occupied with those. I also went abroad for a while which is why I’ve been out of the public eye and— oh, dear. You don’t need to donate, guys, I don’t know if I’ll be able to start streaming regularly again after this but—” Shen Yuan babbled, realizing he should probably have typed up a rough draft of what he wanted to say beforehand.

It didn’t help that he still got flustered at a flirty Superchat splayed across his screen, telling him how pretty he was with his longer hair.

Shen Yuan’s face reddened, spluttering as he tried to regain his train of thought when the sound of a door being opened slightly more forcefully than was natural interrupted him and a large, red and black shape came into the edge of the camera’s view.

Some people felt a sense of dread, thinking this could totally be Shen Yuan’s kidnapper… only to see how Shen Yuan’s face softened at the new person’s entrance.

“Binghe, I told you I can do it myself.” he said softly, more gentle than anything his usual viewers had ever heard him sound before.

A deep voice came from off-screen, just barely on the edge of inaudible because of the microphone’s settings.

“You— oh. Thanks.” Said the slight young man as he was handed a plate of, honestly, professionally made gourmet sandwiches. “I’ll eat these afterwards, it’s rude to eat while streaming.”

The voice mumbled something off-screen again and PeerlessCucumber rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, I’ll introduce you in a bit, I still have to get to— oh!”

Before he could protest, Shen Yuan was being picked up off his chair by the barely visible man who immediately plopped down on the chair, finally revealing himself.

The chat freaked out when they saw the man properly.

Shen Yuan cheerfully introduced his new husband, Luo Binghe, whom he met through the game Proud Immortal Demon Way and who he’d gotten married to in late January. Luo Binghe remained quiet until a Superchat popped up, lamenting the loss of one of the most eligible bachelors ever to this random guy.

A dangerous smirk made his way onto the large man’s face as he nuzzled into Shen Yuan’s hair. “Shizun, Shizun, this one needs your help with the remote again. Will you please come help this Binghe?” he whined, and Shen Yuan looked fond but exasperated.

“Again? I’ve explained to you how to use it so many times… all right.” he said, leaning into the nuzzling. “As you all can see,” he said, turning back to the camera, “I am happy, healthy and safe. I don’t think I’ll be going back to streaming after this but thanks for sticking around! Uh. Yeah. See ya!” he said, and as he leaned forward to shut off the camera, Luo Binghe leaned forward with him, burying his face in Shen Yuan’s neck to leave a stream of sensual kisses.

Shen Yuan protested audibly, although more in a “Not in front of the camera!” sort of way rather than anything that implied he was unhappy with the affection itself.

The last frame was of Shen Yuan with an embarrassed but happy face and Luo Binghe, his head half buried in Shen Yuan’s neck, one glowing red eye glaring at the camera smugly.

Needless to say, this did not at all stop the flow of theories that would’ve been considered crazy in any other situation.

Not that Shen Yuan or Binghe cared. They were happy together.

#includes art #svsss #bingqiu #bingyuan #binggeyuan #scum villain #streamer au #streamer shen yuan #shen yuan #luo binghe #luo bingge #original luo binghe #fanfic #art #fanart #fanfiction #ao3 fanfic #ao3fic

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jackoshadows · 2 months ago

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The Night's Watch election for Lord Commander is such a riot! Funny and full of twists and turns.

First, five of the brothers keep voting for Three Finger Hobb in all the rounds because they hate his cooking so much they rather have him out of the kitchen and as Lord Commander!

Tonight it was Sam’s turn to give his results first. “Two hundred and three for Ser Denys Mallister,” he said. “One hundred and sixty-nine for Cotter Pyke. One hundred and thirty-seven for Lord Janos Slynt, seventy-two for Othell Yarwyck, five for Three-Finger Hobb, and two for Dolorous Edd.” Sam was more relieved than disappointed. Even with Bowen Marsh’s support, Lord Janos was still only third. “Who are these five who keep voting for Three- Finger Hobb?” he wondered. “Brothers who want him out of the kitchens?” said Clydas.

Even funnier Three Finger Hobb is taking the election seriously and campaigning by cooking them food!

Three-Finger Hobb had promised the brothers roast haunch of mammoth that night, maybe in hopes of cadging a few more votes. If that was his notion, he should have found a younger mammoth, Sam thought, as he pulled a string of gristle out from between his teeth. Sighing, he pushed the food away

Three Finger Hobb also got more votes than Dolorous Edd! Which, I guess, is not surprising, considering Edd gives one of the most depressing campaign speeches ever!

Dolorous Edd got up, stone-faced and glum as ever. “I just want to say to whoever is voting for me that I would certainly make an awful Lord Commander. But so would all these others.”

So who is voting for Edd? Pyp just for fun!

Pyp and his stupid japes

Stannis really, really hates Janos Slynt and does some anti-Slynt campaigning before the team leaders...

“Your Grace, let me say how pleased we are to be summoned here. When I saw your banners from the Wall, I knew the realm was saved. ‘There comes a man who ne’er forgets his duty,’ I said to good Ser Alliser. ‘A strong man, and a true king.’ May I congratulate you on your victory over the savages? The singers will make much of it, I know—” “The singers may do as they like,” Stannis snapped. “Spare me your fawning, Janos, it will not serve you.”

Maester Aemon is dropping all the hints to Sam and going 'I can't be seen choosing any one candidate but someone else can...' Wink Wink!

“The choosing . . . Maester, isn’t there something you could do? What the king said of Lord Janos . . .” “I recall,” Maester Aemon said, “but Sam, I am a maester, chained and sworn. My duty is to counsel the Lord Commander, whoever he might be. It would not be proper for me to be seen to favor one contender over another.” “I’m not a maester,” said Sam. “Could I do something?” Aemon turned his blind white eyes toward Sam’s face, and smiled softy. “Why, I don’t know, Samwell. Could you?”

Cotter Pyke's description of the candidates is hilarious:

“Who? Bowen Marsh? The man counts spoons. Othell’s a follower, does what he’s told and does it well, but no more’n that. Slynt . . . well, his men like him, I’ll grant you, and it would almost be worth it to stick him down the royal craw and see if Stannis gagged, but no. There’s too much of King’s Landing in that one. A toad grows wings and thinks he’s a bloody dragon.” Pyke laughed. “Who does that leave, Hobb? We could pick him, I suppose, only then who’s going toboil your mutton, Slayer? You look like a man who likes his bloody mutton.”

Denys Mallister does a Joe Biden and is like I am old so it's my turn and I deserve this job and also engages in some old-timey classism.

Also everyone hates Janos Slynt!

And this so-called Lord of Harrenhal is a butcher’s whelp upjumped by the Lannisters. Small wonder he is venal and corrupt.”

Sam then does some garden variety electoral fraud and using Ned's philosophy lies to both Denys and Cotter Pyke that Stannis means to chose the other man if no decision was made by that night and setting a deadline. Poor ol' Ned must be turning in his grave knowing his 'some lies are honorable' teachings are being used to commit electoral fraud!

Another candidate then puts in Jon's name as a candidate!!

Maester Aemon answered, from the far end of the hall. “Your name has been put forth as Lord Commander, Jon.” That was so absurd Jon had to smile. “By who?” he said, looking for his friends. This had to be one of Pyp’s japes, surely. But Pyp shrugged at him, and Grenn shook his head. It was Dolorous Edd Tollett who stood. “By me. Aye, it’s a terrible cruel thing to do to a friend, but better you than me.”

Stannis' anti-Slynt campaigning works and Othell Yarwyck who was getting heavily courted by Slynt and Thorne then engages in a sudden twist, gives up his candidature and is like 'I support Jon, here are all his credentials' and does some light campaigning for Jon.

Othell Yarwyck stood up slowly, frowning. The big builder rubbed his long lantern jaw and said, “Well, I’m pulling my name out. If you wanted me, you had ten chances to choose me, and you didn’t. Not enough of you, anyway. I was going to say that those who were casting a token for me ought to choose Lord Janos . . .” Ser Alliser nodded. “Lord Slynt is the best possible—” “I wasn’t done, Alliser,” Yarwyck complained. “Lord Slynt commanded the City Watch in King’s Landing, we all know, and he was Lord of Harrenhal . . .” “He’s never seen Harrenhal,” Cotter Pyke shouted out. “Well, that’s so,” said Yarwyck. “Anyway, now that I’m standing here, I don’t recall why I thought Slynt would be such a good choice. That would be sort of kicking King Stannis in the mouth, and I don’t see how that serves us. Might be Snow would be better. He’s been longer on the Wall, he’s Ben Stark’s nephew, and he served the Old Bear as squire.” Yarwyck shrugged. “Pick who you want, just so it’s not me.” He sat down.

And then, AND THEN, frigging BLOODRAVEN turns up to do some last minute campaigning for Jon Snow that pretty much all but decides the election!

With a raucous scream and a clap of wings, a huge raven burst out of the kettle. It flapped upward, seeking the rafters perhaps, or a window to make its escape, but there were no rafters in the vault, nor windows either. The raven was trapped. Cawing loudly, it circled the hall, once, twice, three times. And Jon heard Samwell Tarly shout, “I know that bird! That’s Lord Mormont’s raven!” The raven landed on the table nearest Jon. “Snow,” it cawed. It was an old bird, dirty and bedraggled. “Snow,” it said again, “Snow, snow, snow.” It walked to the end of the table, spread its wings again, and flew to Jon’s shoulder.

The way Jon's Targaryen ancestors Bryndon Rivers and Maester Aemon came together to get their descendant elected is 🔥. Not to mention Yarwyck going 'Jon is Benjen Stark nephew!' which means his Stark heritage counted as well. Some Ice and Fire stuff in here.

And finally the election is over and Jon wins. Those poor five brothers will have to continue to eat Three Finger Hobb's food!

The humor interspersed throughout chapters like this are why this series just does not get boring no matter how many rereads I do. Even if GRRM never finishes at least we will have some good books out of what we still have.

#Jon Snow #Samwell Tarly #asoiaf #Stannis Baratheon #Three Finger Hobb #Dolorous Edd #Janos Slynt #Maester Aemon #Night's Watch #Bloodraven

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ledesaid · 6 months ago

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A family wish ⚡⚡

A Halloween wish is something that only certain magical beings know how to harness and conjure… Here we have Billy Batson, for example, standing in the middle of the Salem woods with a cloak that hides him from the curious eye of other beings. He's excited because today is the day, and he doesn't want to waste his time while stitching with spider silk everything that's in his Superman lunchbox. It's his fourth Halloween party, but it's the first one he truly feels he's enjoying. It's like Christmas! But Billy thinks it's a hundred times better because of what he's going to get. That's why he has been diligently collecting everything necessary… and he's had an audience on several occasions:

—Excuse me, sir, I'm just going to take a bit of your hair… or your cape?—

Immediately, Captain Marvel seems to debate whether to use his blunt scissors on the hair or cape. He gets a piece of cape from one of his current villains. Don't let his slender appearance or clever words fool you because he's determined. The toad heads and Gorgon eyes in his magical bag confirm it. And let's not talk about his recently added occultist cape, it's the most normal thing he has so far and really shouldn't be the case.

Can someone please tell Billy that he shouldn't collect DNA or cut clothes from every magical entity he encounters?!

Oh, and no one in the League dares to get involved in the Captain's magical mysteries. Flash is still confused by his last explanation of Groundhog Day and his collection of hair from… better not know, Flash didn't want to know. But now he does. The League is worried because they heard the captain politely asking for a piece of hair from Zatanna and playing poker with Constantine until he won. The Englishman argued with the captain to find out what he was up to, but…

—I already have the flesh, I just need something cursed to finish… Your blood would be very useful!—

Constantine feels highly offended, yes he does, but the term flattered doesn't quite fit in his head, and let's not talk about "the flesh". He just wants to go home and it doesn't seem like Captain Marvel is going to give in.

—It's cursed, but it's not mine, have fun!—

He gives Billy a bottle of wine and ends the discussion. Captain Marvel jumps and celebrates like a child when he smells the bottle's contents, undoubtedly very cursed. This last event brings us back to Billy in the middle of the Salem graves, pouring the blood wine onto the tangled hair and fabric that has taken a feline shape.

—Come to me!— he yells energetically. —I order you!— His fingers sparkle with tiny lightning bolts.

His little altar sparkled among the flames of the candles.

—Live!— The lightning bolts increase and Billy takes the tangle of hair in his hands.

The small ball of fur quickly writhes in his grip and begins to transform into something more than it originally was.

—Wake up, Tawny!—

And that's it, a baby tiger gives its first roar, more of a meow, but Billy hugs it with joy.

—Yes! It's alive! It's alive!— exclaims Billy, recalling Dr. Frankenstein's words.

With all the joy in the world, an eleven-year-old boy celebrates having created his first familiar. On November first, the Captain takes his little friend to the Watchtower.

—Guys, look what I did last night! Isn't it cute? Look, Zatanna, its little black stripes are as beautiful as your hair!—

#billy batson #fanfic #ao3 #shazam #capitan marvel #superman #dc comics #dc universe #cómics de dc #dc capitana marvel #billy needs friends #capitain marvel #justice legue #familiar #tawky tawny

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weirdmarioenemies · 2 months ago

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MARIO KART 9 RETRO PREDICTIONS!

That's right! Ever since like, a month ago, we've received official confirmation that we're getting a new Mario Kart game that isn't Mario Kart Tour! Rejoice!

Yes, it's an exciting time to be a Mario Kart fan. After all, a new game means new courses, new drivers, new items, new gameplay mechanics, and all that jazz! I mean, 24-player races in the fantastical world of Utah? That's some exciting stuff!

But almost just as exciting as the new courses are the new old courses, especially when considering how much Mario Kart 8 spruced them up! Also, it's just way easier to to predict returning courses than new courses. Look: I don't have a time machine shaped like a crystal ball. I could say "Oh yeah, Mario Kart 9 will definitely have a new course called Toad's Wastewater Treatment Plant," but I'd just be making that up. I don't have a source! I can't show you the bibliography! I'm sorry.

Not that I can completely accurately predict retro courses either. Look, I can be as methodical as I please, but I don't work at Nintemdo. We know next to nothing about this game, so all my predictions are really just shots in the dark here! But it's fun to load a gun and haphazardly shoot bullets in a cave! Who knows! Maybe we'll end up shooting some of the retro courses that will be in Mario Kart 9!

My dearest condolences to Toad's Factory.

Retro predictions begin under the cut!

Oh wow, you thought we were gonna get straight into the retro predicting? How does it feel to be The Fool right now, The Fool?

Really though, I just want to get all methodologologilical[sic] first. Just get out some of the key assumptions I'm making so you can better understand why I've made the choices I've made. Alright? Cool. Cool.

I'm assuming there will be 48 courses in the base game, and by extension, 24 retro courses split across six cups. Given the goal of this game is to move people to the Nintendo Switch 2, and every Nintendo Switch 1 owner and their mother and their mother's dog owns a copy of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, going from 96 courses to a mere 32 courses feels like a considerable downgrade. Given that Mario Kart 8 Deluxe has 48 courses without the DLC, this feels like a good baseline going forwards.

I'm not sure what to make of the mainline status of Mario Kart Tour. I'm leaning towards it being technically mainline, due to its content being ported to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, but it's definitely not a traditional Mario Kart game. So I will be including courses from it in my predictions, but courses that have only returned in Tour are basically on the same level of priority as courses that have never returned at all to me. Speaking of which...

I plan on prioritizing courses that have never returned, but I'm not going to exclusively limit myself to courses that have never returned. We're reaching a point where some games are really slim pickings for retro course options if we're only considering ones that have never returned, and given Nintendo has shown they're comfortable with double-dipping in places like Mario Kart 8's DLC and Mario Kart Tour, I think it's safe to say Mario Kart 64 won't be dragged out back and shot after they bring back Wario Stadium.

HOWEVER, I will NOT include any courses that have returned in Mario Kart 8!* This does include the Booster Course Pass for reference, so I apologize to any courses that were given underwhelming remakes there. Someday you'll get the remake you deserve, Sky Garden. Courses that originated in Mario Kart 8 are still fair game, but given that again, the goal is to move people to the new console, you probably don't want too many courses they can already play on the game they most certainly already have. Don't worry about the asterisk yet. We'll get there when we get there.

And as for more general goals, I'm looking for solid aesthetic diversity, a respectable difficulty curve, and a decent balance between games. None of these are really hard rules, since everybody will define them differently, and the exact amount they matter is hard to judge. I mean, I would like to keep the games relatively balanced, but it makes sense why the Booster Course Pass has eight Wii courses and two SNES courses. This is because Wii courses tend to be "pretty damn fun", as opposed to SNES courses which tend to be "utter dogwater".

Fun factor is also an important thing to keep in mind here. Why waste precious development time on bringing back courses nobody wants? I'm sorry, but no amount of spit-shine will ever save Figure-8 Circuit.

Okay, I think that's about everything. Now we can get into the part of the post you probably actually care about: predicting the retro courses!

SHELL CUP

Wii Luigi Circuit

Ah, the classic "boring starting course". Boring starter courses are interesting, because they brought back like 50 of these in Mario Kart DS, but ever since Nintendo has kinda been avoiding these like the plague. Unfortunately, now we've kinda reached a point where for games with slim pickings, "boring starter courses" are some of the only courses they have left. I feel like we're gonna have to bite the bullet at some point and bring one of these back, so it may as well be Wii Luigi Circuit.

Also motivating this pick is the return of the Luigi Tires sponsor, which was featured on this track back in Mario Kart Wii! Obviously this is a pretty minor connection, but I kinda get the feeling the reason they'd bring a sponsor like this back is if they're also bringing back a course that featured it. Ultimately this is what gave it the edge to me over Figure-8 Circuit. Well that, and the fact that there's no reason to spend development time on Figure-8 Circuit over literally any course that isn't Figure-8 Circuit.

3DS Daisy Hills

Daisy Hills! I don't really have a ton to say on this one. Its "alpine village where a young witch would look for a lost cat" setting is fairly unique by the standards of early-game courses, and given the list of courses that have never returned consist largely of mid-to-late game courses and "boring circuit tracks", having a course like this feels like a good pick.

SNES Koopa Beach 1

I would like to take a moment to curse Super Mario Kart for not having interesting course themes. It becomes a pain to pick specific courses from a game where literally every course theme has better alternatives from other games. Because when I'm prioritizing aesthetic diversity, picking a boring Super Mario Kart track is kind of by extension shutting out the better options from other games, right?

So figuring out what courses from this game to pick was basically a game of figuring out which theme had the most acceptable losses, and I concluded it was probably the beach courses. Apologies to Cheep Cheep Lagoon and Cheep-Cheep Island, but neither of you is interesting enough to warrant not picking an SNES course over you. And actual sincere apologies to Dolphin Shoals!

MK8 Sweet Sweet Canyon

Rounding out our Shell Cup, we have our first returning course from Mario Kart 8! Given Mario Kart 8 is ripe for the picking, it's likely we'll see a solid handful of courses from it, and since Nintendo tends to avoid putting multiple courses from the same game in a single cup, my choices are gonna have to be spread out across the difficulty curve.

Sweet Sweet Canyon isn't really one of my favorite of Mario Kart 8's original courses, but as an early game course with very unique theming, it feels like a pretty safe pick for a Priority Retro course to me. There's not really any thematic competition for "courses made of candy"! My only hope is that if my predictions are accurate and they do bring back this specific course, that they brighten up the color palette a bit. The amount of detail here is gorgeous, but the colors have always felt slightly too drab for the theming to me.

Also yes, I'm using "MK8" as the abbreviation for returning Mario Kart 8 courses and not "Wii U". I know that typically the abbreviation is based on the console and not the name of the game, but given the existence of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, the fact it has battle courses unique to it that should probably be put under the same label, and the fact Nintendo probably wants to acknowledge the Wii U as little as possible, I think using "MK8" as the abbreviation feels like the right call.

BANANA CUP

DS Delfino Square

Given Mario Kart DS's options for courses that have never returned are "starting circuit", "Bowser's Castle", and "Rainbow Road", and all of those are competitive slots, I think it's likely we'll see a bit of double-dipping for this game. That's probably a good thing, because DS has some awesome courses that aren't in Mario Kart 8!

Case in point: Delfino Square, which feels like one of the most-requested courses I saw for the Booster Course Pass that never got added. But maybe we should be grateful, because now it can be saved for a remake with good graphics! I've been a big fan of this course ever since I was a kid, mostly because of the music (which I'd love to hear a live arrangement of!), but the course itself is pretty cool too I guess. Glider ramp on the drawbridge whenever it's up? Would that work?

N64 Frappe Snowland

Mario Kart 64 is another game that's slim pickings in terms of "courses that have never returned at all". Given I'm trying to include at least two courses from every game here, picking another N64 course was kind of a challenge. Most of the picks I would've gone for are in Mario Kart 8 already, because if not for the Booster Course Pass, Choco Mountain and Kalimari Desert would've definitely been in the running. And lots of the other choices that felt decent, like DK's Jungle Parkway or Banshee Boardwalk, have alternatives in other games that felt higher priority.

So I'm going with Frappe Snowland. This course hasn't really been in a traditional Mario Kart game since Mario Kart DS, so I think it feels like a solid candidate to get another remake. I mean, it's a pretty generic snow course as-is, so it might be due to get a modern reimagining. I'm imagining a cozy little winter town near the starting line, maybe having some similar vibes to the winter variant of Animal Crossing.

Do you pronounce it "frap" or "fra-pay"? I'm in the fra-pay camp but I'm pretty sure the other one might technically be correct due to the lack of accent over the e, but I'm also not sure if that's so much a hint of the pronunciation so much as "leaving off the accent for convenience sake". Both are technically valid I'm pretty sure, so I won't fight you if you're in frap camp. I promise.

Wii Toad's Factory

Look. If there's one course I would put actual real money on being in the next game, I think it's Toad's Factory. Yes! Even over the courses from games that literally have only one course that has never returned! Wario Stadium is boring and faces competition from Wario Colosseum, and I'm not sure to what extent Tour counts as mainline as far as Piranha Plant Pipeline is concerned, but Toad's Factory? I can't think of a reason you wouldn't bring this one back.

It's one of the only courses from Mario Kart Wii that has never returned, it's a fan-favorite course, it's an early-game course with unique theming when "courses that have never returned" tend to skew late-game, not to mention that Mario Kart Wii is a favorite game for fans and Nintendo alike. Literally the only reason I can imagine Mario Kart 9 not having Toad's Factory is if Mario Kart 9 doesn't have retro courses at all. That, or if my methodology is way, way off. But like, Nintendo knows what courses fans like! They have to see the demand for Toad's Factory, right?

3DS Shy Guy Bazaar

Look. I'm gonna come forwards and say it: I'm pretty sure this course is what we in the industry would call "orientalist as hell". I'm definitely not the most qualified person to speak on this subject, but given what I have heard from people who are, it's very much giving me the vibes of "mystical, vaguely Arabic desert kingdom" that all of us should frankly be tired of seeing at this point. This isn't really a course I think I want to see brought back.

But this isn't a wishlist. This is Predictions, and unfortunately I do not have the faith in Nintendo to Not Be Orientalist, considering how much this sort of thing has continued into even their most recent output. And like, as far as the things I am prioritizing when I make my list go, I'm pretty sure Shy Guy Bazaar checks all the boxes. It has unique theming, and datamining suggests it was very nearly put in Mario Kart 8. I think this one feels like a shoo-in, even if I don't really want it to be.

FEATHER CUP

That's right! More retro courses means I have to predict new retro cups as well! I think the Feather Cup feels like a good retro cup choice, since its presence as an item in Super Mario Kart and its absence from most later Mario Kart games gives it a distinctly "retro" feel.

Oh, and speaking of Super Mario Kart...

SNES Mario Circuit 4

For a long time, I saw people question why Nintendo would bring back the Mario Circuits so much compared to other SNES courses with more distinct theming. After all, if you're going to have to dedicate a slot or two to SNES courses, you might want to pick the less boring themes, right...? But while this sounds like a logical train of thought, I think I have since seen the light of day. The reason they bring back the Mario Circuits is because they can get away with being boring.

Because the Mario Circuits can pass off their "being boring" as being like, a retro thing, right? Like, you can try to make an interesting rendition of Donut Plains or whatever, but ultimately you're just putting lipstick on a pig. Donut Plains 3 is always gonna be one of the most boring courses in Mario Kart 8, even with a gorgeous graphical overhaul! The Mario Circuits, by virtue of being thematically boring, don't have to pretend they are anything more than what they are: boring SNES courses.

...I'd still like them to do something interesting with Mario Circuit 4 though. I mean, GBA Mario Circuit got an anti-gravity U-turn. It's worth a shot.

MK8 Sunshine Airport

Something you need to know about me is that "me making retro course predictions for Mario Kart 9" is NOT a new thing. I've been doing this basically ever since Mario Kart 8 came out over a decade ago, and ever since then I have felt reasonably confident in one thing: I think Sunshine Airport is gonna be one of the first Mario Kart 8 courses they bring back.

Literally everything about Sunshine Airport feels like a "priority retro course" to me, in the same vein as Coconut Mall or Music Park. Unique theming? Check. A level of complexity that gives it flexible positioning on a difficulty curve? Check. Approval from the fans? Check. Hell, even if Nintendo decides not to bring back anti-gravity, this course doesn't need it! All it amounts to here is one singular turn where the anti-gravity feels shoehorned in to begin with!

It feels weird to be so, so confident in a Mario Kart 8 pick when literally every original course from that game is an option, like I can't say I'm confident in Sunshine Airport to the same degree I'm confident in like, Toad's Factory or Wario Stadium or anything like that, but I dunno. Sunshine Airport almost feels like it was made to be a retro course.

Or maybe I've just been so weirdly confident in this specific idea for so long that it's just drilled itself into my head, I dunno.

Tour Piranha Plant Pipeline

Say hello to literally the only Mario Kart Tour course that didn't make its way into the Booster Course Pass! Yes, that's literally my only reasoning for including it. But if Tour courses are in fact in the running, then that's basically the only reason you need. This course wasn't in Mario Kart 8 and the only other place you can play it is a mobile game where it's only in rotation for like, two weeks of the year.

I don't think this is one of Tour's best original courses, it's decidedly mid-tier compared to the likes of Squeaky Clean Sprint, Yoshi's Island, and Ninja Hideaway, but it'd be nice to have it in a more accessible place. In Mario Kart 8 it'd feel redundant with Piranha Plant Slide, but here it probably won't have that issue.

Funniest outcome for this course however, is if they treat it like the other non-city Tour originals in the Booster Course Pass and try to pass it off as a new course for some reason.

GBA Broken Pier

I think it's funny how much Nintendo has fallen in love with Mario Kart: Super Circuit lately. For the longest time, GBA courses were given the short end of the stick with only one or two returning courses per game. However, when they started giving retro courses more dramatic overhauls in Mario Kart 8, they realized that GBA courses, unlike SNES courses, actually have interesting themes that are conducive to cool remakes, and now there are barely any GBA courses they haven't brought back! Which is to say there's two, and one of them is Broken Pier. Hi, Broken Pier!

Look, this is not a fan-favorite GBA course by any stretch of the imagination. I often see this considered one of the worst courses in the game. But how much does that actually really matter? When it comes to creative liberties taken with retro courses, GBA courses tend to get the most dramatic overhauls. As long as you keep the theming in tact and a vague facsimile of the layout, you can basically do whatever you want with these courses when you bring them back.

Given I think the atmosphere of this course is "pretty dang cool", that's all that really matters. Nintendo has free reign to do whatever they want with this course, because who's gonna complain about an unfaithful remake of Broken Pier?

LEAF CUP

MK8 Wild Woods

To be honest, there's a ton of courses from Mario Kart 8 I've considered putting at the start of the Leaf Cup. Shy Guy Falls, Dragon Driftway, and Super Bell Subway also feel like solid choices to me, but I'm going with Wild Woods for the silly reason of "cup-appropriate theming". This isn't something Nintendo does a ton of, but given in the past we've seen Maple Treeway in the Leaf Cup, DK Jungle in the Banana Cup, Rock Rock Mountain in the Rock Cup, and 3DS Rainbow Road in the Moon Cup, it's definitely something that does happen. It's enough to sway my opinion on this subject ever so slightly.

Either way, this is definitely the part where "literally every Mario Kart 8 course is in contention" is coming to bite me.

GBA Lakeside Park

Lakeside Park is another of those courses I really don't have to say much about my inclusion of. There's a bit of competition for a "jungle course spot" from Dino Dino Jungle and DK's Jungle Parkway I think, but given this one has yet to return in a traditional Mario Kart game, it feels like a more likely option to me. I just hope they reintroduce a little bit of the complexity in the layout that was lost in the Mario Kart Tour version of this course. I dunno what's up with Mario Kart Tour and oversimplifying the layouts of GBA courses in particular.

Wii Dry Dry Ruins

So many Mario Kart Wii courses are in Mario Kart 8, that based on my somewhat arbitrary "no repeat retros from Mario Kart 8" rule, narrowing down potential Wii courses is not really a challenge at all. Like, we're probably getting Toad's Factory, we're probably getting Dry Dry Ruins, and then pick one of the other three courses off a wheel and throw that one in, too.

I see a lot of people say they don't care for desert courses, but I'm kind of under the impression that they really just mean Dry Dry Desert and Bone-Dry Dunes. And maybe Yoshi Desert, but I don't know how many people even remember that course exists. But like, every other desert course in the series seems to have a solid reception with fans, right? I've seen lots of people clamoring for Dry Dry Ruins, but that might just be because "Mario Kart Wii fans" are a very vocal crowd, and they just think the shortcuts here are really cool. I can't blame 'em.

3DS Wario Shipyard

Something I've realized from my various attempts at Mario Kart 9 retro predictions from over the years is that lots of the courses that seem like viable options for retro picks are Wario courses. N64 Wario Stadium is basically a given, but Wario Shipyard is probably one of the most distinctive 3DS tracks, and Wario Colosseum and Mount Wario are both big fan-favorites too. Dang Wario, you need to cut it out with all your "courses that kick ass"! You're stealing valuable real estate from all the other characters!

I don't think Wario can hear me, and even if he does, he probably doesn't care. We know he's a greedy man. He probably feels so smug about "stealing precious real estate". I bet he's gonna get a new course of this caliber too, because that's just the kind of course Wario makes at this point.

MOON CUP

That's right! Second new retro cup! I went with the Moon Cup, and put it between the Leaf and Lightning Cup to act as the new retro parallel to the Star Cup, because that just feels right to me.

MK8 Electrodrome

This is the last of my picks for returning Mario Kart 8 courses, and feels like another relatively safe pick. Not as safe as Sunshine Airport, since it'd be considerably worse-off without anti-gravity, but there's this one butte in the background of the trailer which looks like it could be an anti-gravity section so we're probably fine on that front.

Anyway, all the stuff I've been saying across this post applies here also. Unique theming, well-liked by fans, you know the drill. Really, how much do I have to keep repeating these things? You know what my lines of reasoning are, do I have to keep saying them? Is this interesting to you? Are you interested right now?

Uhhhh this course was given a spotlight in a trailer for the original Mario Kart 8 on the Wii U. So I think Nintendo likes it also. That's a little more in its favor specifically.

GCN Mushroom City

Forget about every other course I've talked about on this post. If I have to single out the course I want to see return the most, it's this one. Frappe Snowland? More like CRAPPE Snowland! Mario Circuit 4? More like Mario Circuit BORE! Mushroom City? More like Mushroom Sh... no wait this is the one i like

Anyway, Mushroom City is cool as hell and it's criminal they've never brought this one back. Definitely probably maybe a top 10 Mario Kart course for me. I dunno. I haven't played Double Dash that much. But I've played it enough to know that I like Mushroom City, okay? I don't know if any other traffic course really sells the feeling of driving through a big city as much as this one, what with all its branching paths.

I really appreciate how they handled the branching paths here. On a course like Yoshi Valley, there's only one route that's actually good, making the whole gimmick feel kinda meaningless, but here everything feels even enough that no path feels unviable, especially with how the traffic patterns can influence your decision-making! And also the music is great and begging for a live band rendition. Make it happen, Nintendo! Mushroom City has spent too much time not returning, and not enough time... returning.

I mean, it feels like a pretty likely inclusion to me. I feel people have reappraised this course as being "really really good" lately (rightfully so!) and it's also one of only four Double Dash courses that have never been brought back. The other three include the coveted Bowser's Castle and Rainbow Road slots, as well as Wario Colosseum, which WOULD feel like a good candidate if not for...

N64 Wario Stadium

Man, I'm glad I put these courses back-to-back in my retro predictions. It wasn't specifically for that segue, but it makes for a damn good segue.

Poor, poor Wario Stadium. Literally the only course from Mario Kart 64 which has never been brought back, which I think kind of makes it an auto-include for these retro predictions, even if we don't want it to be. Something funny is that, having looked Mario Kart course ranking lists for over a decade now, I've seen the public opinion on this course shift dramatically in real time.

Like, ten years ago I saw this course frequently ending up on "Top 10 Mario Kart courses of all time" lists, with people talking about how cool it is that it's like a real dirt bike stadium, and how funny it was when you hit an opponent during the big jump and they had to repeat half the race.

But nowadays it feels like the popular opinion is "there's a good reason this is the only N64 course they've never brought back". Like, now everyone thinks this course is just really long and boring, and the opinion on Big Jump Snipes have shifted from "funny and cruel" to "just making the course even more of a slog to get through." Time has not been kind to N64 Wario Stadium.

But if anything, I think that's why this course needs to be brought back, right? To get the makeover it deserves and get some time being a less terrible course. I'm pretty sure the addition of tricks as a gameplay mechanic alone would improve it significantly, let alone more dramatic changes you could make to the layout. Worst case scenario, you give it the Wario Colosseum treatment and make it a two-lap course. (Or give it the N64 Rainbow Road treatment and make it only one lap, but I don't think that'd work out here.)

I have to clarify: the fact there's a long Wario course set in a stadium that's basically an auto-include is the sole reason I'm not putting Wario Colosseum on my retro predictions. Sorry, guys.

DS Airship Fortress

You wanna know why DS Airship Fortress is on my Mario Kart 9 retro predictions? Because it wasn't in the Booster Course Pass. That's it. Like, this course is a big hit with fans, it was in Mario Kart Tour already, and basically everyone agrees it was a baffling exclusion. So at this point the most logical conclusion I can think of is "it wasn't in Mario Kart 8 because they were saving it for Mario Kart 9".

That's really all I have to say on this one.

LIGHTNING CUP

3DS Maka Wuhu

Did you know? The two Wuhu Island courses are literally the only Mario Kart 7 courses which have never returned! Granted, lots of the others have only returned in Tour, which feels like the world's biggest edge case, but like, it's weird we haven't seen the Wuhu Island courses at all, right? I feel like people like these courses quite a bit. I mean, they brought back Wuhu Town as a battle arena in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, so I don't think they're off the table.

Really, I've kinda been skirting around the crossover courses, because I'm not sure what to make of them. I'm definitely under the impression Mario Kart 9's not gonna be the "Super Smash Kart" or whatever some people have suggested, given the trailer exclusively shows Mario characters driving through an area not based on any Mario game in particular. I don't think Super Smash Kart would include Baby Rosalina on its roster.

But like, I don't wanna dismiss the idea of Mario Kart 9 having crossover content completely, because I could totally imagine it sticking around on a smaller scale, akin to... well, Mario Kart 8! And even putting that all aside, I kind of feel like the Wuhu courses are almost a weird exception to being "crossover courses" since they were in the main game of Mario Kart 7? I dunno. At this point I'm making weird and arbitrary rules for myself for the sake of making weird and arbitrary rules. I don't think I can explain my logic in a way that makes as much sense as it does in my head.

Tour Ninja Hideaway

Hey, so remember way, way earlier in the post when there was an asterisk when I mentioned my rule about no repeat retros from Mario Kart 8? Well here it is! It's Asterisk! You see, I wanted to include at least two courses from every game, but this proved to be an issue for Mario Kart Tour in particular, since all but one of its courses were included in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. So I broke my rules, right? Well, not exactly...

Because Ninja Hideaway didn't return in Mario Kart 8.

See how this course was labelled in Mario Kart 8? It wasn't Tour Ninja Hideaway, just "Ninja Hideaway". Legally speaking, Ninja Hideaway did not return in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, because it was a new course in that game too, for some reason! So none of my rules have been broken. This is, legally, the first time Ninja Hideaway will be a retro course.

Obviously, this sort of logic is incredibly silly, and barely makes any sense at all, but knowing Nintendo, I'm kind of under the impression this is the exact sort of logic they operate under. So I'm sticking by it! I think this would be a cool Lightning Cup pick. I like it for a lot of the same reasons I like Mushroom City (thank you well-balanced branching paths!), and I feel like some of the sharp turns here would make it well-suited for the late game.

DS Bowser('s?) Castle

Did you know? This course is just called "Bowser Castle". Not Bowser's Castle, with the apostrophe s. I don't really know why. I kind of expect them to change it, since they did with all the GBA Bowser's Castles in Mario Kart Tour, but they didn't with SNES Bowser Castle 3, so I really don't know. Either way, you too are now cursed with this information!

Anyway, given my two other picks from Mario Kart DS are both double-dips, I figured I should include one course which hasn't returned yet, and I'm going with this one. Figure-8 Circuit is probably the worst course of all time, and I think there's better candidates for a retro Rainbow Road, but Bowser('s) Castle? I mean, I've seen a fair share of fans who really like this one. I figure it's about time to bring it back.

For some reason, Nintendo hardly ever brings back the endgame Bowser's Castles, but I figure they gotta start chipping away at that list at some point, and having it as the penultimate retro course before a Rainbow Road just feels right. Speaking of which...!

GCN Rainbow Road

This was a pretty big toss-up between GBA Rainbow Road and GCN Rainbow Road for me, but I'm going with this one. I know GBA feels like the logical pick, since we got SNES in Mario Kart 7 and N64 in Mario Kart 8, but now that Mario Kart 8 also has SNES, 3DS, and Wii's Rainbow Roads, I'm not sure how much that order really matters anymore. And besides that... GCN just feels more iconic. It's the road that you go when you die!

Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna discount GBA completely, partially because of The Cycle, partially because it's one of the only GBA courses left, and partially because I think you could do a lot with a cool remake, but at the same time, let's be real with ourselves: if any Mario Kart game is the least iconic one, it's Super Circuit. I love its Rainbow Road a whole lot, but I don't think that's the one you show off in a big trailer to get fans excited for the first big Mario Kart game in over a decade, right?

Also, GCN Mushroom City feels like a very likely retro course, and you can see it in the background of GCN Rainbow Road, so uhhhh yeah. Checkmate, atheists! GCN Rainbow Road is real and there is nothing you can do about it!

Okay, so maybe my logic is a little flimsy, but as I said at the start of the post, I can't predict the future! Ultimately, I don't know why or how Nintendo decides which courses they want to bring back, and all I can really do is try to infer patterns based on what they've done in the past. But you know how it is with apophenia. We're all the time seeing patterns we want to see that aren't really there!

Ultimately, this is a game we know very little about, and it would be foolish of me to pretend that I've boiled any of this down to a science. Really, the reason I'm doing this is because it's fun! It's fun to think about hypothetical returning courses in future Mario Kart games using bogus patterns that don't really exist!

Also a big waste of time. Thanks for indulging in this big waste of time with me, everyone!

(if your favorite course wasn't included on this list, please imagine it as post-launch DLC. thank you.)

#mario #mario kart #mario kart 9 #mod hooligon

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