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myokk · 5 days ago

Text

marry me

pairing: Sebastian Sallow x f!MC

word count: 5,4k

summary: in which Garreth Weasley has a potions mishap that causes MC to become incomprehensibly proper, and Sebastian is going mad.

cw: fluff, mutual pining, giant squid guest appearance, marriage proposal, loss of virginity RATED M (not *really* explicit) smut (18+ ONLY)

a/n: I had so much fun writing this! I've been working on it since January (I'm the world's slowest writer) and shout out to the amazing girl in my ao3 comments who requested this!! 🫶

If Sebastian Sallow could curse Garreth Weasley and get away with it, he would.

Unfortunately, after an incident involving Prewett and some misplaced toads, he's being monitored too closely by staff and students alike. Staff, so that it won't happen again, and students in the hope that they will see something and gain the prestige of being the ones to tell everyone else about it. It seems to Sebastian as if students of the red-headed Gryffindor variety are out to get him and make his life an absolute miserable living hell, and he is not happy about it.

That weaselly red-headed bastard had, once again, created a potion whose effects had gone disastrously wrong. This time, he had convinced her that it would alter her memory for 'only a day!', to give her an easier time retaining information so that exams would be easier for her. Their NEWTs are causing the seventh-year students to have periodic nervous breakdowns, and hers had apparently manifested in believing Weasley. Although Sebastian had, time and time again, tried convincing her that it didn't matter if sometimes they had to go over notes a few times before she truly understood them, she had always had a complex about it. If Sebastian had known that Weasley was going to rope her into being the test subject of his latest experiment, he would have tried to put a stop to it.

Sebastian surreptitiously looks over to the girl at his side.

Her head is bent down, dark hair shining in the late-afternoon sunlight as she quietly reads a book at his side. They're sitting on the shore of the Black Lake, it's one of those unusually warm spring days where one could fool themselves into believing it's already summer, and as he stares down at her Sebastian can't help but think of what they would normally be up to. Well, normally as of a few weeks ago.

Sebastian hasn't been able to touch her in two weeks, and he is going mad.

She drags a delicate finger across the words as she reads, her dark lashes fanning out across her cheeks as her eyes follow her finger, plump lips moving slightly as she occasionally whispers the extra-beautiful sounding words to herself.

Well, he could touch her, in theory, hypothetically, but she won't allow it.

She is hell-bent on keeping things as proper as possible between the two of them, and even holding eye contact with Sebastian for too long is seemingly enough to make her so hot and bothered that she can't even speak in his presence. (Sebastian once again curses Garreth.) He slowly, casually, brings his hand closer to where hers is, gently brushing his pinky against hers. Her whole body tenses, she immediately colors and glances up at him, and Sebastian's breath catches in his throat at the sight of the sun glinting in her eyes, the light giving them more depth.

(He can't help but think of a time a few weeks ago, where they were both fumbling with the buttons of each others' shirts, nervous and excited with the feelings that only new love can bring, her eyes glinting similarly and yet mischievous, as if daring him to continue his exploration of her -)

Carefully, she moves her hand away and drags her eyes back to her novel. He hears her murmur, and leans in closer to see what she's saying, the light scent of lavender floating up to him as his breath brushes past her ear: "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

After reading this, she looks at him again and smiles. "That's us, is it not?"

Sebastian gives her a small smile and leans back. Although she's made it abundantly clear that her feelings for him haven't changed at all, she's loathe to let them manifest physically. It would remind Sebastian of the beginning of their feelings for each other, their courtship, had she not acted the complete opposite before, seemingly not being able to get enough of him.

And now, thanks to Weasley, it seems as though their relationship has somehow regressed. Instead of altering her memory for a day, to help her with studying, her personality has somehow been altered.

She's still the same sweet girl he fell in love with. She's always quick to make him laugh with a quip in Transfiguration spoken under her breath, still exasperatingly stubborn about her strange opinions about, well, everything, still obsessed with the lemon tarts served during meals.

The night she had fallen victim to Garreth's experiment, Sebastian had sidled up to her after dinner, placing a hand on her waist and pulling her close so they could steal away and continue their previous night's activities. But, strangely enough, she had squealed and pushed him away, her face flushing a brilliant shade of pink as she looked at him, aghast. Sebastian, she had said, unable to make eye contact with him, what are you doing?

He had been utterly confused himself, somewhat embarrassed at the rejection, and when she continued on about marriage and betrothal and a proper courtship he had felt his whole body go hot and cold at the same time as his throat heated up. Although he can't possibly imagine spending his life with anyone else, although it's a given that she is always a part of any nebulous future he's envisioned for himself, the thought of a commitment of that magnitude is enough to make his heart drop into his stomach. He feels too young to propose, and yet he knows it will happen.

Eventually. Just not now.

He hears a snicker come from behind them and he sighs in resignation. Ominis and Anne have been acting as chaperones during their time spent together, and the two of them find their friend's new-found propriety endlessly hilarious. He admits that he's found it funny, too, and when he's not so frustrated he loves teasing her. There's something so sweet about the way her cheeks flush, how she sputters in indignation when he insinuates anything - Sebastian has to wonder how Garreth's potion has made her interpret their previous intimacies.

She's back to reading silently and Sebastian settles in for another afternoon of hushed whispers, laughter, reading, and decidedly no touching.

She smiles dreamily at her reflection in the mirror as she and Anne get ready for bed that evening. The soft green light filtering through the windows of their dorm room reminds her of the light that had filtered through the leaves that afternoon as she sat at Sebastian's side. "He was so handsome today, wasn't he?"

"You wouldn't be saying that if you'd had to look at his ugly face your whole life," grumbles Anne, finishing her braid with a neat ribbon at the end before turning to her friend. She doesn't hear a word Anne says, instead choosing to stare carefully at her reflection, blushing over the remembrance of Sebastian these last few weeks. The time spent with him has been nothing short of exquisite, and she can feel herself falling more and more in love with him - every stolen glance, the brushing of fingers as they read the same page in a book, the feeling of him leaning in close over her shoulder, his breath tickling the top of her ear and - "Anyways," says Anne, a little more forcefully, snapping her fingers in front of the mirror, "when are you going to let him hold your hand? Might I remind you of what I've caught the two of you doing before? The sight made me want to rip out my eyeballs and feed them to a venomous tentacula and -"

She flushes and looks over at Anne, appalled. How could she joke about something that must have been confessed by accident?

"Anne!" she hisses, looking around frantically to make sure nobody has entered their dorm, "stop being so improper."

The truth is, she doesn't know how much truth is behind Anne's teasing. Her memories from before she took that fated potion from Garreth are cloudy at best, and she prefers to think of them as dreams she's been having lately. Terribly indecent dreams where the object of her every waking thought is doing things to her she never thought possible.

In a moment of weakness she must have confessed something to Anne.

Turning back to her reflection in the mirror: grabbing her hairbrush: trying to tame her unruly curls: steadfastly ignoring Anne pretending to gag behind her. She is over their conversation, especially when Anne is so keen to bring up things she would rather forget. (At least, that's what she tells herself. She gets horribly confused and flustered whenever she thinks of Sebastian in that way.)

But maybe: "I will allow him to hold my hand tomorrow," she says with a sniff, turning towards Anne. Her eyes narrow as she sees her friend stifle a smile before quickly turning towards her bed.

She finds it difficult to fall asleep that night, between blissful remembrances of the dreams she's been trying to forget and the beating of her heart as she thinks about a future with Sebastian and letting him finally hold her hand.

He slips a note to her during Charms.

Dust particles are swirling in the air, Professor Ronan is unusually dull, and the hot summer sun streaming through the windows is just another reminder that they are almost free. Almost done with Hogwarts, almost ready to start the next chapter of their lives and become who they were always meant to be. She can't deny that she's been terribly worried about what's to come - she still is unsure what she wants to do after graduation, and feels her stomach drop whenever she hears the others talk excitedly about the opportunities they've lined up; the only constant in her life is the boy at her side who has been unusually patient with her.

And yet he still hasn't made it clear to her that she is as important to him as he is her. Yes, he is carrying her bag from class to class, reading with her every nice afternoon by the Black Lake, showing her he cares with every gesture, but still:...she can't be sure of how he feels. What if it is all perfunctory? She doesn't want to be forgotten. She loves the little routines they've created for themselves, loves sitting by his side during classes, passing notes; she's loved her short time at Hogwarts and doesn't want to end it yet.

The note is one of many they've been sending back and forth throughout the course of this terribly boring theory class, but this time is different.

His hand is resting on top of the bench between the two of them, note underneath, and were she not so in-tune to his infuriatingly intoxicating presence, she wouldn't have noticed it. He moves with the ease of someone who has been avoiding being caught for many years. And, in the hazy memories (or are they?) she has of her past with Sebastian, the notes the two of them have sent back and forth to each other have not always been so tame.

Surreptitiously, so as not to draw the attention of Professor Ronan (she does not want a scandal), the sound of her blood rushing in her ears as she thinks about what she's about to do, she slowly slides her hand toward Sebastian's - the one resting on top of his note. He starts moving his hand away - he's learned by now to not play any games - but she's faster.

It feels like all of her nerves are located in her fingers as she grazes the back of his freckled hand. She can feel him staring at her in surprise, but she doesn't dare look up at him.

She continues.

Her fingers flutter over his, hesitating, until she gets up her nerve and laces her fingers through his, pressing their palms together. She hears his breath hitch and warmth pools to her stomach at the sound as she finally glances at him. He's looking at her with the most dumbstruck expression on his face and...and her own must mirror his.

She flushes and looks away, but doesn't remove her hand - all she can think about is the feeling of her heartbeat thrumming through her body (can he feel its nervous flutter through her fingertips?), how right the contact feels, and how has she not done this before? But, the nerves she feels are so intense and overwhelming and she doesn't concentrate on Professor Ronan's words for the rest of the lesson.

Sebastian sits, flushed, notes forgotten - even as he leans into the palm of his other hand, trying to look anywhere but at her, she can feel the intensity of his gaze every time his eyes swipe over to her and it's unbearable.

But the thought of letting go of him is even worse.

The morning of the penultimate Saturday before their N.E.W.T.s has Sebastian understandably nervous. He's risen early even for himself - 1 hour and 38 minutes early, to be exact - unable to sleep with everything racing through his mind (equations, charms, precise wand movements, and her) - and has already written down his plan in tiny, neat handwriting, gotten dressed, and has had ample time to worry himself to an early grave.

Ominis has listened to Sebastian for the better part of an hour as he paces back and forth across their dorm, probably creating a tiny, worn-down path in the rugs with his persistence. Sebastian's sure his friend is tuning his ramblings out by now, but he can't help it.

Everything needs to turn out perfectly, and, although he knows that he tends to simultaneously overthink and ruin everything he attempts, this time he cannot. He's been practicing this speech over and over in his mind for days now, had started composing the beginning phrases in his mind weeks, maybe even years ago - maybe since she knocked him to the ground in their first duel at Crossed Wands and taken his breath away.

Of course, back then he hadn't quite realized what was going on - or that it would shape the rest of his life.

He had just known that he wanted to keep her close, by any means possible, whatever that might entail. And with all they've been through together: turning to each other for comfort and understanding after everything that happened their fifth year, the hushed confessions of love that came eventually, their first awkward, lovely kiss and everything that followed - even all of their little squabbles and misunderstandings have brought them closer - Sebastian knows now with certainty that she will be in his life forever and he's been a fool to be so scared of what's to come.

"Did you hear me?"

Ominis shifts in his seat and huffs. "I stopped listening the second I heard of your plan and I've been mentally reciting the uses of flobberworm mucous since then. It's about time, you know. I don't know what's taken you so long."

"You really think so?"

"I know so. Now," Ominis gets to his feet and stops Sebastian from his pacing, clasping his hand. "You know what you need to do, and we'll be waiting to congratulate you when it's all said and done. Maybe we can all go out for a butterbeer in Hogsmeade later on."

(Little did Sebastian know, that would decidedly not happen.)

He nods, anxious despite his friend's support, and heads towards the door. He glances one last time at Ominis before leaving, almost reassured by the sight of him sitting at his desk, back straight, as his fingers slide over the pages of his book. Today marks the beginning of many changes that are about to come to Sebastian Sallow's life, but he can't deny it's comforting to see that some things are still the same.

Step One: Bribe the House-Elves

Sebastian steals into the Kitchens after tickling the pear in the painting guarding its entrance, and is immediately surrounded by a sea of bobbing heads at roughly the height of his waist, huge eyes blinking up at him. He looks beyond them; the whole kitchen is bustling and swarming with house-elves running around with purpose, bowls and whisks and bags of flour and sugar in their tiny hands, not wasting a single move as they prepare breakfast for all of the students.

"What does the young man need?" squeaks a house-elf with particularly hairy ears, grabbing him by the elbow.

In the end, Sebastian leaves the kitchens with more than he had bargained for, no bribes necessary.

He curses himself for never taking advantage of the kitchens before his last week of his final year of school, stuffing leftover pastries in his pockets after meals like a fool, when he could have done this all along. Well, either way, he now has plenty of baguettes - twenty-five to be exact - slung in a bag over his shoulder as he goes to greet the object of his affection. He checks his watch - shit - how is he five minutes late? - and he picks up the pace to the Clock Tower Courtyard, patting his breast-pocket to make sure that the tiny ring embossed with garnets is still in its place.

Step Two: Meet her in the courtyard at 8.00 am sharp (having previously sent her an owl invitation the week before to make sure she wouldn't make any other plans) (ignoring the fact that she is normally sleeping at this time on a Saturday morning)

Sebastian skids to a halt as he reaches the courtyard, looking around for her tell-tale wild curls, and doesn't see her yet. He's only seven minutes late - that's not enough for her to stop waiting is it? - and yet, at her absence, he begins to despair that he's ruined everything. Catastrophically ruined things like the huge, bumbling, idiot he is, and what's he going to do with all of these baguettes now? Eat them? Oh, Merlin, maybe he needs to head back to the Kitchens and get some butter, jam, brie, marmalade -

"Sorry I'm late." A breathless voice interrupts his spiral. His head snaps over to where he's heard her voice and the bubble of his despair bursts, but his nerves are still setting his body on fire. She is absolutely breathtaking, the golden light of the early morning sun glinting in her hair, dancing down the slope of her nose and lighting up her eyes in the way that makes them golden-tinged and deep and beautiful.

Step Two-and-a-Half (improvised): Remember how to breathe

Taking in a few deep breaths really does help ground him, although he can't really tear his eyes away from her face, nor can he forget why he's asked her to meet up with him.

Step Three: Escort her down to the Black Lake, where Anne has (hopefully, she was bribed to help out otherwise the fact that she had a dream about Leander will be accidentally told to Sacharissa) left a basket

As they walk down to the Black Lake, Sebastian can tell she's mystified. Their usual chaperones - Anne and Ominis - are absent, and it's just the two of them. They haven't been alone together since the night before she took Garreth's potion and became incomprehensibly proper.

He swallows nervously and glances over to her. She's been chattering to fill up the silence: "...of course, I told Imelda she was daft if she didn't understand how ridiculous it was..."

And, just at the sound of her sweet voice, he feels little bubbles of happiness fill his chest as if he's just drunk a bottle of pumpkin fizz. He can't help it - he reaches over and laces his fingers through hers. She stops speaking abruptly and flushes; birdsong fills the absence of her voice and her eyes flicker to the bag he has hoisted over his shoulder. "By the way, what are you keeping in there?"

Sebastian just gives her a crooked smile he knows will fluster her more, squeezes her hand, and is grateful she's only noticed the huge bag stuffed with baguettes and not the slight bulge in the pocket of his waistcoat. His heart is fit to burst out of his chest as he thinks of what's to come, but focusing on ways to make her splutter in indignation and step four of his plan is helping him to ground himself.

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

Slowly, he brings her hand up to his mouth and turns it at the last minute, pressing a kiss to her inner wrist. All of a sudden the atmosphere has changed: her breath falters at the contact, her eyes are wide and unblinking as she stares up at him and the expression on her face is enough to obliterate any thoughts from Sebastian's own mind; quite dangerous, really. His earnestness turns into a smirk and he brings his mouth to the palm of her hand, brushing his lips over it. He knows he's pushing things too far and -

"Sebastian!" she squeals, ripping her hand out of his, and Sebastian takes the opportunity to run ahead, "Wait for me!" - laughing as he leads her on an overgrown path towards their destination. He turns to look back at her, face flushed, a huge smile taking over her face, nose crinkling as she laughs, hair and robes flowing behind her as she tries to keep up with him. How has he gotten so lucky as to have her in his life?

He knows that he hasn't always been easy to get along with. Their fifth year, he had made things impossibly difficult for her, for everyone, and yet she had always stayed by his side. Trusting that he would come to his senses and somehow, with her help, he has.

Even with his nerves, he's never felt more sure of anything in his life than what he has planned now.

Sebastian Sallow is a quite perplexing. That's what she thinks, anyways, as she stares down at his broad back. He's bent over a picnic basket that's sitting in a clearing by the shore of the lake. She's never seen this part of the Grounds before and takes some time to look around while Sebastian finishes whatever he's doing.

He couldn't have picked a more beautiful day to sequester her away. Maybe fate has conspired to make it one she will remember for the rest of her life. It's one of those days when nature seems to be singing: the plants vibrantly green and dappled early sunlight filtering through the leaves, birds flitting from branch to branch above them, chattering and chirping to one another. And the lake, oh, the lake is beautiful. Still and unmoving, its water a deep green; she thinks once again (as she has been all of these last days at Hogwarts) how much she loves this, and how much she will miss it.

Sebastian Sallow is also infuriating.

He still hasn't told her why he has brought her all the way here, with a satchel stuffed with bread, making her wake up so early to meet up with him. 'It is of tantamount importance that you are available...' he had written in the note left for her a week ago, but the urgency was unnecessary. Even when she has no idea what he's planned, she can't help but say yes, can't help but want to be close to him always.

The feeling of his breath brushing against the palm of her hand is still burning bright-hot and she is scared to move her fingers lest it go away. Ever since she laced her fingers through his in Charms class two weeks ago, he's been finding excuses to try and get closer to her and she's simultaneously excited and scared every time they touch. This is the first time they've been alone together without her protection - Anne and Ominis - she's unsure if she trusts herself or Sebastian less, but she has to be free of them eventually.

"Well," he says, breaking her out of her reverie, "I think it's all in order." He leans back on his haunches and looks up at her, giving her the small smile that always makes her stomach flutter.

"But what is this all for?"

She gestures at the blanket he's spread out between them, at the baguettes he's pulling out of his bag, and huffs in frustration. She does not like being kept in the dark, and the expectations she had been building in her mind ever since she got his letter were not matching up to whatever's going on.

"We're going to feed the giant squid, silly." Sebastian stands up suddenly, holding one of the baguettes, and launches it into the lake. It floats there for a minute - tiny waves rippling across the smooth water from the impact - and then, as it slowly starts sinking, a huge tentacle shoots out of the water and grabs it, pulling it underneath.

She laughs in delight as she sees more tentacles come up to the surface of the water, searching for more bread. For as much disgust as she had for it her first year at Hogwarts, she's come to grow fond of the giant squid, even sometimes daring to tickle its tentacles with Imelda on sunny afternoons when they need a break from studying.

Now, Sebastian's handing a baguette to her, his fingers brushing against hers and she shivers at the contact, her eyes flicking up to his, uncertain. He doesn't pull away; instead wrapping sure fingers around hers as he guides her to the shore. Her back is flush against his chest as he guides her to throw the baguette, but she doesn't even see it hit the water. The feeling and heat of his body pressed against hers is all-encompassing and she turns around slowly - so slowly - and...

Sebastian brings his fingers up to caress the line of her jaw, then brush over her lips, her cheekbone, tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, tug the hair at her scalp and pull her face closer to his. Her eyes flutter closed as his breath warms her lips - is this really, finally happening? - and the first hesitant, sweet brush of his lips against hers is almost enough to cause her to faint. If his other arm wasn't wrapping around her waist, pulling her closer to him, she's positive she would have fallen as her knees threaten to buckle. Hesitant hands come up to grab the front of Sebastian's robes as their kiss deepens and yet before she knows it - before she wants it to end - Sebastian is pulling away from her with a sheepish smile, pressing his forehead against hers and breathing heavily.

"That was..."

But then -

She feels something slimy snake itself around her ankle, wrapping around before she's pulled backwards into the water with a shriek. She sees Sebastian's shocked face, arms reaching out hands scrabbling as he tries to grab her before she can be pulled into the water, but it's futile.

She's really not dragged that far into the water.

Once the squid realizes she has no more bread on her person, it retreats back to the deeper water it came from.

Maybe she wasn't pulled very far into the lake, but it's still enough to have all of her clothes completely and utterly drenched and she is mortified. As she sputters and staggers to her feet, pushing her heavy, wet hair out of her face, she sees Sebastian splashing towards her.

His face is absolutely flabbergasted and concerned for her and full of love and she forgets all of her annoyance at being wet as she sees him make his way to where she is. "Are you -?"

Sebastian is cut off as she throws herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling his face down to hers as she peppers it with kisses. He almost loses his balance, but quickly recovers and gathers her in his arms, easily returning her vigor. She can't get enough of him; she knows she's being greedy as she deepens their kiss, but she feels as if she's woken from a deep slumber and is alive again.

Her whole body is so, so sensitive: his fingertips feel electric as they dance across her back, her waist, as if they're drawing all of her nerves to wherever they touch. Maybe it's the sensation of her wet clothes dragging across her delicate skin, maybe it's the months of pent-up frustration with herself for not being able to touch him.

He pulls away slightly, laughing, as he takes in her appearance. She must look like a drowned kneazle, hair-wild-face-flushed-eyes-gleaming, and yet there is nothing but love in his eyes when Sebastian looks at her. He grabs her hand and leads her to the shore, where they've left the picnic basket. They're both laughing as they splash through the water, fingers intertwined.

She sits down and begins to unlace her wet boots, peel off her stockings, Sebastian following suit, and once she plops the wet boots down next to her she huffs and looks at him fondly. "Well, was that part of your plan?"

Sebastian shakes his head and he looks so dejected that she simply has to lean over and kiss him. She pulls away slightly, lips brushing against his as she smiles and whispers, "I don't care." The feeling of his breath against her lips is too intoxicating and she simply has to close the minuscule distance between them again. Sebastian seemingly can't help himself either, because in no time his hand comes up to caress her face, her jaw, buries itself in the thick hair at the nape of her neck, and he's deepening the kiss.

She's gasping into his mouth, needing more, remembering the last time they kissed all those months ago - how has it been months? - and she breaks away briefly, staring into his eyes. His pupils are dilated, hers must match - "Sebastian?" she whispers against his lips, "What happened?"

He brings his hand back to her face, eyes searching hers as he looks for some answer she doesn't know if she can provide. "I..." he shakes his head slightly, smiling, "it's not important." As they kiss again, she sighs happily into his mouth - she missed this. Her hands come up to grasp at the back of his head, tugging him, pulling him closer to her, and she deepens the kiss.

She feels her stomach clench in an unfamiliar way as Sebastian gasps into her mouth - "Merlin, I've missed this, I didn't know..." - and she is certain that this will be a moment of her life she will always remember.

She will always remember how he - almost nervously, shy in a way she has never seen him before - brings her to the picnic blanket they'd abandoned. They will laugh as they try to peel her soaking wet clothes off, Sebastian's fingers fumbling as he works the buttons on her blouse; the first tentative brush of his lips against her bare collarbone will make her shiver with anticipation.

They will both be breathless between kisses, between exploring each others' bodies, between the gasps of devotion they breathe to each other. Every drag of Sebastian's fingers down her waist, her hips, will send jolts of pure magic through her body, how could anything feel so good? - and she will arch her back towards him, craving more.

His hands will be everywhere on her skin all at once, her mouth on his mouth, the feelings and sensations burning through her until there is only the two of them in that moment, their limbs tangled and their breathing synchronized as they move together.

It will be needy, and messy, and awkward, and full of laughter. When they join, it will feel like a finally.

And afterwards, when they are lying lazily-peacefully-quietly together, tracing fingers over still-sensitive skin, wrapped up in a haze of love and tangled limbs and feeling at peace, she will notice a bulge in the breast pocket of Sebastian's discarded waistcoat.

He will watch her reach over, curious, a small smile playing on his lips as she pulls out the tiny box. Her breath will catch in her throat and her fingers will be trembling as she tries to open it, before Sebastian takes over and opens it for her.

It won't be the perfect proposal he had planned, but it will be perfect in its own way and tears will be inexplicably falling down her face as she smiles and says 'yes' over and over until it loses meaning.

#hope you enjoy this one🫶🫶🫶#it’s just silly and I hope kind of romantic🥰♥️#if I forgot to tag anything please let me know !!!!!#Im such a slow writer I had this whole thing planned out since January but my motivation was down bc I just had a rough 2025 so far🥺#but I was rereading this before posting and smiling so much so hopefully it’s not too bad🫶🫶🫶#also I’ve been reading a lot of westerns (specifically Larry McMurtry my favorite author) can you tell😆#IDC IF IT’S OLD MAN BOOKS😤#hogwarts legacy #hphl #hogwarts legacy fanart #hogwarts legacy mc #hogwarts legacy oc #eloise babbit #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x mc #sebastian sallow fanart #sebastian sallow fic #hogwarts legacy fic #hogwarts legacy fanfic #Sebastian sallow smut #ao3 writer #ao3 fanfic #sebastian sallow x reader #honestly I was kind of thinking #and this oneshot more than the others actually COULD be canon Eloise not just au version of her🥰

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plaidos · 2 months ago

Note

which characters from mario kart aside from toadette know what a perineum is

Mario & Luigi both do due to their lifelong proximity to trans girls. Mario learned on the go with one of his trans exes, Luigi learned through reading a zine. Princess Peach has no idea what a perineum is and if you try and explain it to her she’ll be like, “ugh why would I need to know how to please somebody with a penis, women are way more fun” despite dating/hooking up with mostly exclusively men (cis and trans alike). She would not respond well to being told everybody has one. Toad knows however.

Yoshi knows what the perineum is from being close with Birdetta, who doesn’t have a perineum (not being a mammal) but just knows from other trans girls. Bowser learned about the perineum having sex with Luigi. Funky & Donkey Kong both know it, but only by the word “taint”. Diddy Kong has no fucking clue. Koopa Troopers and Dry Bones basically all know through a propaganda campaign Bowser launched to raise awareness for the perineum and its wonders after Luigi introduced him to it intimately. Peach still has no clue despite visiting Bowser’s kingdoms dozens of times as part of their elaborate kidnapping/cuckoldry roleplay with Mario, which breaks both of their hearts.

Wario has his own snakeoil brand of taint lotions; the bottles have his face on. Waluigi knows because he’s the number one chaser in the Mushroom Kingdom and he’s low-key good at it. Daisy knows about it through Luigi, that guy read Fucking Trans Women once became the number one perineum advocate. one day he’ll realise.

Toadette knows through being a trans lesbian even though she’s not a mammal and probably doesn’t have a perineum herself. Petey Piranha has no fucking clue even after you explain it to him. King Boo knows. no further elaboration required. the Shy Guys are all eggs so it’s like 50/50 on whether they know.

Rosalina knows, being the seven foot transsexual sex goddess she is. Pauline knows for similar reasons. Wiggler knows but only after googling it when Wario called them a taint. Kamek is a transmasc with like six transfem exes and he still has no idea what it is because he's bad in bed. Lakitu, on the other hand, is a transmasc virgin who knows what a perineum is and is gonna make a trans girl really happy one day.

aaaaand none of the babies know on account of them not knowing anything cause they're babies. all of Bowser's kids know, though. from the propaganda campaign. much to their embarrassment.

BONUS ROUND: Link & Isabelle know, obviously. from all the t4t sex (although not with each other). the inklings know from explicit lyrics in the Squid Sisters' music (they're basically like the squid equivalent of ayesha erotica). the Villagers have no idea because lets be real the people playing those games dont know what a perineum is.

BONUS BONUS ROUND: Dry Bowser knows because he's just Bowser during no nut november; Peachette knows because she's Toadette but the overwhelming Peach power influences her to not give a shit about it against her actual beliefs; Tanooki Mario knows because it's just Mario in a fursuit; Cat Peach doesn't for the same reason. Metal/Gold Mario/Pink Gold Peach are just Mario & Peach using metal power-ups.

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konoha-forbidden-scrolls · 1 month ago

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New Naruto blog? Fresh meat! What if someone signed a summoning contract but instead of something cool like snakes or crows, they got really aggressive geese. Horrible little geese. How would characters react to you just having an entire GANG of geese following you around? 🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿

Welcome! This request is completely unhinged and I had far too much fun while writing it. Love it. I've gone with a mixed bag of characters.🌸

Characters: Kakashi Hatake, Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Shikamaru Nara, Sakura Haruno, Tsunade Senju

Contents: horrible little geese

It's a beautiful day in Konoha and you are a horrible little goose summons...

Kakashi Hatake

Kakashi will be the first to tell you that a summoning contract is one of the most useful tools a shinobi can have. Most of the greatest shinobi have one, and he's no exception.

He's lost count of the amount of sticky situations where his ninken have managed to give him the edge. Just ask Pakkun—he loves to talk about all the times his exploits have saved the day.

So when Kakashi hears you proudly declare that you too have a summoning contract, he's curious to see it. He's of the opinion that a person's summoning animal is a reflection of their personality. Almost like a ninja zodiac.

So imagine his surprise (and dismay) when you bite your thumb and are suddenly surrounded by two dozen honking, hissing, milling geese.

"...geese!?"

"Yup."

"Are you serious?" he asks, sounding rather strained. It's rare to see Kakashi off balance, but a flock of pissy geese will do it.

"What, you don't think my geese can match up to your ninken, Hatake?"

Kakashi scoops up several of his large ninken (and Pakkun), holding them like oversized stuffed animals. "Keep those evil things away from my dogs."

Naruto Uzumaki

Considering that Naruto summons toads, he doesn't exactly have the coolest summoning contract either, but he wonders why you're so cagey about yours. Sure, it's normal for shinobi to keep quiet about their techniques in order to have the upper hand, but you're allies, right?

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Show me, show me! I promise I won't laugh!"

He has absolutely no intention of keeping that promise if your summons is like, dung beetles or something.

Even Naruto isn't prepared for what waddles out of the puff of smoke created by your Summoning Jutsu.

He lets out a startled guffaw, blue eyes threatening to pop out of his head, then doubles over in a fit of raucous laughter.

"What the hell!? Geese—ow! Agh! Get them off!"

His laughter soon dies when the geese start to bite him, enraged by his hideous orange-and-black jumpsuit and his mockery.

Rage, geese, rage!

Sasuke Uchiha

Sasuke didn't ask what summons you have, because he doesn't really care. He himself has both snake and hawks summons, which are arguably pretty cool.

Still, on the off chance you do end up using a Summoning Jutsu around him, he's mildly surprised to hear a low hiss issue from the cloud of smoke before it dissipates. Are you a snake summoner too?

Wait. Was that a...honk?

The smoke clears to unveil a small army of angry little geese—orange beaks, beady little eyes, plump, feathery white bodies, slapping feet. Just honest-to-the-gods geese, like you've raided a farmyard. His eyebrow twitches.

"I'm beginning to reconsider our acquaintance."

"Don't you mean friendship."

"Definitely not now. Not after this. Is this some kind of joke?"

"Don't underestimate my murder geese, Uchiha. Geese, arm yourselves!"

Suddenly every single goose has a kunai clutched in their beak, their beady little eyes glowing red with a deep, murderous rage.

"Attack!"

Sasuke is forced to swifty re-evaluate his assessment of how effective an army of geese can be.

Shikamaru Nara

Shikamaru has a sixth sense for anything that's troublesome, and that sense activates the moment you smile and lift your thumb toward your mouth, ready to bite down and activate your Summoning Jutsu. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he knows shit is about to hit the fan.

His unease is justified the second he sees your waddling horde of honking demons. Without hesitation, he activates his Kagemane no Jutsu and traps your entire flock before they can attack him, a look of resignation on his face.

"I should have known you'd go for something eccentric. You know you're going to get a stupid nickname like the 'Goose-nin', right?"

He holds the geese trapped until you dismiss them, releasing his hand seal in order to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Despite himself, he is a little curious.

"Are they effective in battle?"

"Yeah, I'll show you. We can attack Sasuke again."

"Troublesome, but I might enjoy watching that..."

Sakura Haruno

Sakura is kind of appalled. All the options you had for a summoning contract, and you went for a gaggle of vicious geese?

Not that she has a leg to stand on, since she is a summoner of slugs. Slug summoner. Slime queen.

She keeps a safe distance from them, almost as if she can feel the rage and the fury boiling up in them, the murderous intent rolling off of the feathery little bastards.

Wise move, Sakura, wise move.

"So you can't summon a single one? It's always a flock?" she asks, looking disturbed.

"Yeah, unless I summon the Mother Goose, but I can't do that without causing extensive property damage. So I stick to my Murder Gaggle."

"Murder Gaggle!? Wait, are those kunai in their beaks?!"

Tsunade Senju

Naturally, when the Hokage hears some concerning rumours about your summoning contract, she has you brought to her office to confirm whether or not those rumours are true.

"So." Tsunade's golden eyes scrutinise you over her steepled fingers, her tone serious, commanding. "Tell me about these...geese."

"Oh, sure, let me show you."

"No! Don't summon them in here—!"

Too late. The Hokage's office is suddenly swarmed with dozens of confused, angry geese, squabbling and honking threateningly at anything that moves.

Tonton runs, squealing, to throw herself into the safety of Tsunade's arms.

"So the rumours are true," Tsunade says, feeling as though she needs a stiff drink. "I'll have to take into consideration how this 'Murder Gaggle', as you insist on calling them, can be used for the benefit of the village."

She pauses, tapping her chin.

"Would it be too harsh to unleash them during the Chuunin Exams?"

#konoha-forbidden-scrolls #naruto imagines #naruto headcanons #Kakashi Hatake #Naruto Uzumaki #Sasuke Uchiha #Shikamaru Nara #Sakura Haruno #Tsunade Senju #Kakashi Hatake x Reader #Naruto Uzumaki x Reader #Sasuke Uchiha x Reader #Shikamaru Nara x Reader #Sakura Haruno x Reader #Tsunade Senju x Reader

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henry7931 · 10 months ago

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Dealing With My Bullies

Asher:

These three right here; Kyle, Chase, and Jordan have spent majority of my life bullying me. I’ve put with years of name calling, being pushed down, and even having my head put into a toilet.

And I thought I was done with them the second I wrapped up with high school. But unfortunately, everywhere I turn— those assholes are somewhere.

I’ve tried to ignore them, complained to our school, even tried fighting back but for some reason they have it out for me.

So I’m deciding to take a more drastic measure— magic. Well I assume it’s magic, i don’t even know if this is going to work but at this point I’m desperate!

I found this old book of spells inside of a weird book store. The price on it was pretty steep and even the owner of the store warned me to be careful with it.

As I got home and into my room, I looked through all of the different spells that were available for me to plot my revenge. I mean I could turn them all into toads but where’s the fun in that?

Nah! I want something that’s going to shift the dynamics a bit. I want to hear at least one of them give me an apology.

I kept turning through the book when my eye caught this one spell called; ‘Body Transferal.’

My heart started to race a bit as I read what all the spell does, I can literally swap bodies and become one of them. Thats it!

I laid back in bed thinking about which one of the three I wanted to swap bodies with…

You have Kyle who I really think is only pressured by the other two to participate.

Chase who has been terrible to me could work but he’s not the real leader of their crew.

That leaves me with Jordan, the one who started everything. That’s who I’ll become, I’ll swap with Jordan!

I open the book back up and read all of the necessary things to complete the swap.

‘A stormy night, a silver bowl, plant seeds, a portrait of Jordan, and both of our names written down on a piece of paper that’s burned into the bowl.’

I pull my phone out and check the weather… it’s forecasting a big storm… perfect!

I gather all of the necessary things to perform the spell which was pretty easy.

I waited until the time recommended for the spell right around midnight.

I gather everything and start reciting the spell… I follow each step as listed and begin to burn both of our names into the bowl.

Lighting strikes close and I can hear thunder booming in background as I say, “Transfer our souls! I, Asher White and Jordan Gibson!” Over and over again.

Then a loud boom of thunder hits and the power goes off for a second. I close my eyes tight waiting for the spell to kick in.

That’s when the power comes back on and I open my eyes. I turn to my bedroom mirror and see my disappointed face looking back at me.

I take the Spellbook and I chuck it out my window since I’m slightly frustrated it didn’t work.

It was worth a shot I guess, I figured I might as well go to bed and just forget that I even tried something so silly!

As I fall asleep… I start having this weird dream. In it I find myself floating and somehow hovering over my body.

I start floating more and more away from it until I’m outside…

I’m passing streets for miles and I have no control of where I’m going at all.

I get a house and I see this other glowing ball shaped like a person floating right pass me. I can barely see what I’m looking at since I was still moving so fast. Thats when I get a window and see a bedroom with a male body sleeping face down.

Before I can even get a full picture of who it is, I’m forced into him.

That’s when I wake up…

My head jolts up and I feel so groggy. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust and my brain to catch up after that dream.

Almost an entire minute goes by before I can really take in my surroundings. Thats when it hit me… this isn’t my room!

I flip over on the bed and look down at my legs. They’re more tan than mine and my feet are bigger. I wiggle the toes attached to me just to confirm I now control them.

My memory of last night creeps in and then I realize— the spell, it actually worked!

I quickly get out of bed and rush to the closest mirror I could find. That’s when I see what I already expected. Jordan’s reflection looking back at me.

I pull of all of his shirt and start giggling to myself.

I say aloud, “I’m Jordan Gibson”

But then something else sinks in, the freaking Spellbook! I tossed it out my window last night!

I rush through Jordan’s room and put on some of his clothes quickly.

I grab his car keys and head out the door.

As I’m driving down the road, I can’t help but continuously looking at myself in the mirror. You see one of the biggest things I hate about Jordan is my secret lust for him. Actually my real lust for a lot of the jocks that went to school with me.

But in this moment, I don’t feel that same anger anymore. All I can think about is how after I find this Spellbook, I’m going to enjoy exploring his body.

I get to my house and I see my parents drive off. As they pull away, I pull up to the front.

I run over directly under my window where I see the Spellbook lying in the bushes. I quickly grab it and run off.

Before I get into his car I look up at the window and to my surprise I see myself looking down.

I grin up at Jordan who now learning that I have control of his body.

I see my eyes get big and screams. I almost walk away but instead I look around my neighborhood to see no one’s around.

I pull Jordan’s pants down and start shaking his surprisingly huge dick in front of him while sticking his tongue out.

He’s fuming and shouting but I can’t hear him the glass. I see him rush from the window and I bolt it to his car with his flapping all over the place.

I pull his pants up and star his car. He’s at my front door and charging for me (which is funny seeing my body that angry.)

I pull away just in time and head back to his place. I reach down and fondle his big bulge all the home.

I knew he was going to come here and I really didn’t need him to make a scene.

So I had to think fast, pull out the spell book and dig through until I find a ‘love spell.’

I go into his kitchen and I find all of the necessary things for the spell.

He hasn’t arrived yet so I pull his shirt off and start exploring his body. I grab on to his dick again when I hear a loud knock at the door.

“Oh you’re going to really love yourself Jordan.”

“You better open up!!” I hear my former voice scream.

I grab my new magical potion and walk towards the door.

I let him in and as he begins to charge at me, I lift up the magical potion and toss it right at him.

I close the door and turn around to see my former dazed. His face goes from straight anger to looking almost goofy.

“Asher… you look soo sexy in my body,” he says to me.

“Oh do I?”

“Can I please touch it?”

“Well Jordan you’re going to need to prove yourself to me.”

“Anything for you!”

He gets on his knees and grabs on to his former hands.

“Anything?,” I say with a mischievous smirk.

#body swap #male body swap #male tf #body theft

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adhdduckie · 2 months ago

Text

candy grams. g.w. x reader

my masterlist

music choice; dandelions by ruth b

word count: 2.7 k

pt 2

synopsis;

you've been in love with george for almost as long as you've known him.

that makes 6 years. and for the last 5, you've been in love with him.

valentines' day is around the corner. and you think it's a great idea to send him a candy gram anonymously. a/n - no valentines this year so i thought id finally lock in and give some of yall a treat! hope u enjoy + pls interact!

George Weasley is one of your favourite people ever. He's sweet, funny and kind when he wants to be. So, many girls you know have a crush on him. So do you. It's kind of a pain, most of the time. He's your best friend, you're so integrated into his family, the burrow is your second home. Molly loves you, and so does the rest of the family.

George and Fred are both large parts of your daily life. You're one of the only people who are able to tell them apart. They look exactly the same, but you're able to tell a difference. You're not even entirely sure how you know, but you just know.

Classes with the two are entertaining, you sitting between the two on a bench, stifled giggles can be heard throughout the classroom, and are a constant in every class you have with the twins. You're closest with George, having become friends in first year when you were placed next to him in potions after snape had enough of the twins sitting together.

Although it wasn't till second year before you realised you cared about george beyond a friend should. A constant figure in your mind, and a constant figure in your life, he invaded every moment of your life.

it wasn't like he did it on purpose. he was just everywhere you turned. In the hallways, laughing with fred while they made fun of Ron, next to you in classes, sitting across from you in the great hall at feeding times, and during the holidays when he'd send you constant letters on updates of things he and his brother made in their room. You were invited over a lot, but obviously you had to spend some time with your family before you went over to the burrow.

You had lived with these feelings for years, not many knew. Fred didn't, so George didn't. Hermione seemed to be the only one that knew, and it was only because of her intelligence was she able to figure out. 5th year was honestly the worst. Your O.W.Ls were coming around, and you had the stupid pink toad umbridge for a teacher. she was a pain in the ass, constantly punishing students for practically no reason.

Because McGonagall understood how everyone was in low spirits, she introduced the muggle idea of candy grams. There were some students who found them stupid since they derived from muggles, but you wanted to try it. So, on the fourteenth of february, you bought one. Sent it to George. left it anonymous, because you just wanted him to know someone out there liked him.

you regretted sending that damn candy gram not even 20 minutes later, the moment he came bounding into the common room with a pesky grin on his face, yelling out your name.

"what?" you said as you looked up from your book.

he shoved the paper under your nose, effectively poking you in the eyes with the corner of the paper. "look! someone sent me a candy gram." he grinned at you.

"congrats?" you say, trying to keep your cool, hoping that he couldn't tell that you were the one that wrote it. You didn't want to lose his friendship. It really meant too much to you, and you'd probably rather die than lose him.

"do you not get the significance of this moment?" he clutched his chest dramatically.

"i refuse to believe someone actually has a crush on you. You're such a menace to society." you tell him, rolling your eyes, trying to keep yourself together and not end up screaming and running away.

There's a knowing glint in his eyes that you don't seem to notice, but he doesn't respond or comment on anything. He shoves the note under your nose again, forcing you to read it.

"Dearest George,

I hope this note finds you well. I couldn't keep these feelings hidden any longer, but I must remain anonymous for now. Over the years, I've cherished our friendship more than words can express. But it's evolved into something deeper, something I can't deny.

You've become the light of my life, and I can't help but feel a love that goes beyond friendship. If one day, you discover who I am and feel the same way, I'll be waiting, ready to take a chance for us.

Until then, I remain in secrecy.

sincerely and with love,

a secret admirer"

he reads out by heart, as if he's memorised the entire thing already. you gape at him, not knowing what you're actually supposed to say right now. nothing has prepared you for this moment.

"well?" he demands, plopping his weight down on the cushion next to you.

"well what?" you ask him, slightly flushed from having a love note you've written read out to you by the person you like.

"what do you think? who do you think it is?" he questions you, bombarding you with several questions when you're still trying to process what possessed you to send him the candy gram in the first place.

"man, i don't know." you tell him, shrugging, turning back to your book, trying to move the topic on.

"oh come on y/n! help me out here! I'm your best friend..." he whines, dropping his head in your lap. It's a common habit of his, invading your personal space, but let's be honest, you don't mind in the slightest.

"what do you want me to do?" you sigh. He always has a way of making you crumble. He beams instantly, Sitting upright again, almost head butting you and giving you a lovely little concussion.

"help me find out who it is!" he responds with a cheeky grin.

"why, george? are you going to make fun of them or something?" you sigh tiredly, really wanting him to give up on this, but you know how he is. once he starts, it's hard to get him to stop.

"because, what if she's hot?" he wiggles his eyebrows at you, and you can't help but crack a smile at his simplicity.

"just because she might be hot? What if she's super ugly? What will you do then?" You tease him, but you do want to know what he's going to do when he finds out it was you, and crushes his hopes of it being Angelina Johnson.

"I know she's pretty." he responds in retaliation.

"how do you know?" you challenge, raising your eyebrow at him as you question your own sanity for liking someone like him.

"It's a gut feeling." he shrugs his shoulders, before standing up from the couch, offering you his hand to pull you up. you set your book down with a sad sigh, accepting his hand as he pulls you up. His hand envelops yours easily, as if they fit together, and his hands are a nice kind of warm, warm enough to make you feel happy, but not warm enough to make you clammy and sweaty. the perfect balance.

he's a lot stronger than you give him credit for, and he pulls you up easily, till you're standing almost chest to chest, well more like head to chest, since he's so much taller than you. If you looked up at him, you would be close enough to kiss. His smell envelopes you, a rich smell of freshly upturned grass and the smell of smoke and a Christmas fire.

you clear your throat abruptly, and the pair of you spring apart. you're avoiding eye contact with george, but if you looked at him you would see how the tips of his ears are red enough to match the colour of his hair.

You get a strange look from the other people in the common room, and fred, who's been close enough to hear the entire conversation, grins at what he's just realised.

He lets out a light chuckle, and you turn to look at him, raising your eyebrow. He shrugs and grins. George's deliberately avoiding eye contact, looking everywhere but you. Fred laughs louder, to the point where he needs to lean on the edge of a couch to prevent himself from falling over.

George pauses, looks at you, before he grins. "You can start helping me tomorrow." He says, before bouncing away, out of the portrait hole. Fred laughs even louder. You turn to him again, before frowning.

"what?" you ask him. It sets him off again, he only stops laughing when he starts coughing.

Fred holds up his finger, and you wait till he regains his composure. He takes another look at you before it sets him off again. You groan.

"I think i know who sent my dear brother the candy gram." He says, wiping a tear away from his eye with his index.

"oh yeah? who?" you ask. Your heart's thumping in your ears, but you're trying your best to seem calm and collected.

a smile stretches across his face, and he looks like he's planning something. "oh, my dear y/n. I do indeed. It seems the girl and i are quite close." he purrs, pulling you close into a hug. You sigh, wrapping your arms around fred.

"please don't tell him." you whisper, hiding your face into his chest. he smiles. He's viewed you as a little sister since the beginning, and he's glad you feel the same way for his brother as his brother does for you.

"i wouldn't dream of it. Unless.....?" he starts, but drifts off, not finishing the sentence.

"fred!" you whine, irritated.

"okay, okay." he laughs, pulling back from the hug, resting his hands on your shoulder, staring deep into your eyes. suddenly he goes serious, the smile dropping off his face quick.

"but seriously. If you never tell him, i'll do it eventually. You can't stay secret admirer forever, and i'm most likely going to die of frustration just watching you two." He finishes. Stepping back, plopping down onto the couch

"i shouldn't have done it fred! i don't know what i was thinking." you groan, hiding your face in his shoulder, plopping down next to him.

"well i think it was a good idea." fred says, throwing an arm carelessly across your shoulder. you groan in response, closing your eyes with a sigh.

the next couple of days are strange, to say the least. George actively seeks you out more than usual, the only topic he speaks of is his secret admirer. It's quite strange, having the object of your affections constantly speak of a romantic gesture you made toward them without them knowing. It's nice, but quite scary, to say the least.

there's the constant fear of being discovered, and when discovered, you're afraid that george is going to be disappointed that you were the one that sent it to him and not Angelina Johnson.

but whatever, you need to act as inconspicuous as possible, right? fred certainly isn't helping, constantly giggling to himself whenever the topic is brought up, while george flashes him a questioning side eye.

one day after potions lesson during lunch, you and george remain behind in the classrooms, cleaning up as a form of punishment from professor snape.

you're kneeling on the floor, cleaning up a spill from some third years. without magic. if it wasn't obvious that snape hated you beforehand, it is now.

you don't even remember what exactly it was that you did, but here you are anyway. george, who somehow got the easier task, is just sitting on a chair as he scrubs at some of the tables in the room.

"this is all your fault, george." you blame, rubbing at the persistent stain on the floor.

"how? you were the one giggling too loudly." george throws back at you. very maturely, you throw the rag you're using at his face. he blocks it, instead of hitting his face, it hits his arm with a wet 'thwump'.

'hey!" he complains at you, throwing it back at you. you duck out of the way, and it hits the wall behind you with another wet sound.

you turn to stare at where it went, and you look back at him, before you burst out into giggles together.

suddenly, you hear the sounds of footsteps, and knowing snape, you stumble to get the rag and go back the stain, rubbing at it with the best of your ability.

you hear the sound of the door groaning on its hinges as it slams open, revealing a disgruntled and angry prof snape.

“i thought. i heard laughter.” he drawls in his cold and distatched tone, the corner of his mouth turning down in distaste.

“no, professor. we wouldn’t dare. Perhaps it was Peeves running through.” you answer, in your best imitation of a innocent student, and professor turns his eyes onto you, glaring at you with distaste.

“i’d hope not. if i hear another peep out of you both, it’s 50 points from gryffindor. each.” he teels you, before swishing around in his ridiculous cape and exiting through the door.

you both turn to each other slowly, before doubling over in silent laughter, clutching your stomach insanely.

once you’ve both managed to contain yourselves, you get back to the work you’re supposed to doing, letting the silence pass between you comfortably.

you hear a little sigh leave george’s mouth, and you turn to look at him, noticing that he’s already looking at you.

“what?” you ask him, raising your brow at him.

he flushes a red that makes his freckles stand out, and you wish so desperately to count them all at some point.

you will manage to do that at some point if you’re lucky..you’ll probably have to disguise it as some kind of friendly activity…

he avoids your eye contact and he sighs, before looking back up at you for a second, before he asks, “are you sure you don’t know who wrote the candy gram?”

your heart stutters in your chest, a little part of you feeling an intense need to run as fast and as far as possible.

“yeah. sorry, george. I promise I asked around.” you so blatantly lie, and he just kind of stares at you, and he doesn’t look impressed at all. you swear his left eye twitches a little.

after a beat of you avoiding as much eye contact with him as possible, by looking somewhere else, anywhere else from him, because he honestly scares you a little and honestly any thing to do with your emotions so obviously displayed is quite terrifying.

another moment passes by you, and you try to turn your attention back to the stain you’re scrubbing at. you begin to stand up, about to go get some more soap to make sure the stain really does get out, when you hear george call your name.

‘….you do realise I can recognise your handwriting, right? we’ve been friends for ages.” he tells you, and your head whips to him so fast, you get whiplash.

“what?” you respond, ever the poet.

“your handwriting. I know you sent me the candy gram.” he mutters, standing up to match you, stalking forwards with his eyes set on you. “why are you lying?” he asks you, stopping right in front of you.

you can’t respond. you’re frozen, mouth wide open as you gape at him. he’s very close to you now, and you feel your heart thumping in your chest. “i don’t know what you’re talking about.” you lie, walking sideways as he follows you, while you try to face the door to escape.

“i know, for sure, that it was you who sent it to me.” He asserts again, following you, not to closely as to make you uncomfortable, as he is ever the kindest soul you will ever know.

you know that you are not ready to have this conversation right now, so you feign that someone is calling your name, and make a run for it. “oh. is that someone calling me? oh yes it is. Yes I’m coming!”

george tries to stop you, by putting an arm out to block you, but you duck under, sprinting out the door as quick as you can.

you’re swearing as you run, and you hear him call out your name, once, twice and then silence.

pt 2

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a/n -> this has been in my drafts for much more than a year so im glad i finally got it out...

pls pls pls pls interact and comment i love reading comments

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the-booty-crusader · 3 months ago

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BinggeYuan streamer x video game fic

There’s a rumor going around the gaming community. It sounds a bit like one of those old creepypastas, although without a punchline.

You see, in the hyper popular cultivation-based MMORPG called “Proud Immortal Demon Way”, there’s an encounter that can happen at any time, that is different from any other encounter in the game.

It can only happen once to a player in a lifetime; strangely enough it does not even repeat when a player switches accounts and locations.

The encounter is generally only a few seconds long, and with how rarely it’s encountered, there’s only a scant few pieces of proof that it’s even real.

To most players in the game, this encounter is a fun easter egg to be seen once, ask about online, get validation that many others have experienced the same and then wonder about it from time to time.

For one streamer, the encounter would change his life as he knew it.

—

A few months before the first encounter…

“Thanks for the gifted subs, BouncingPlum! Always appreciated.” said Peerless Cucumber, an up-and-coming gaming streamer who’d garnered a fairly large following of Chinese, American and most importantly, Chinese-American viewers. Shen Yuan, being a second generation Chinese in an immigrant family was a slight young man due to complications with his health, but his personality was feisty, temperamental and passionate, if his viewers were to be believed.

Specifically about his favorite game, Proud Immortal Demon Way.

He streamed a few times a week, with his over 4500 followers usually being fairly consistent viewers.

In these streams, Peerless Cucumber would show off crazy character builds, new monsters and herbs that were added or discovered and locations that opened up.

“Oh, this is the cave of the Roaring Eye Toad! I’ve mentioned it before. When you first encounter it,” Shen Yuan starts, walking up to the gigantic toad in the back of the half-flooded cave, “It looks like a regular toad. But when it attacks…”

The toad played an attack animation, revealing that the creature’s gigantic mouth was, in fact, a gigantic eyeball that immediately locked onto Shen Yuan. Where a regular toad’s eyes should be, two smaller mouths opened up with long tongues whipping around it.

It looked a bit odd, but really, that’s why Shen Yuan liked the creatures in this game. They were so cool, and a bit weird and sometimes silly.

Oh, Shen Yuan spent as much time complaining about the game as he did praising it. The mechanics were more often than not contrived or weird and most of the time ended up being weirdly lewd! Why did each piece of clothing come with three submodels that could be triggered when coming in contact with slicing weapons or acid?! Was it necessary to destroy players’ clothes when attacked?!

That was the reason why almost every other player in PIDW was walking around in a female avatar. They just wanted to see the clothes get ripped off of their characters. Bah!

Not to mention the erotic animations and voice lines! The female player characters were absolutely horrendous in that regard, always moaning and panting and every voice line seems to be a sexual innuendo.

Truly a hateable game.

It had a saving grace, however. The worldbuilding was absolutely phenomenal. The animals had logical reasons for existing and the biomes were interesting and believable, in a fantastical way. Their designs were like nothing Shen Yuan had seen before in other games. Not to mention there were potions and items with effects that other games usually didn’t bother with, usually in interesting ways. Although he could certainly do without the papapa-mechanics.

Anyways, lore! There were so many sects and villages and countries with their own history, and there were two distinct realms that you could visit with their own ecosystems and history that were at war! It made for great PVP fodder, of course, but the real treat was the events that furthered the plotline.

Shen Yuan’s eyes fell on a message in the Twitch chat, asking about the new lore added in a recent update. He immediately pushed up his glasses and started to explain, ignoring the few comments calling him out for looking like some geek from an anime.

“Well, the newest dungeon is an ancient palace that seems to have been owned by an Emperor many centuries ago. Apparently he was a half-demon who worked to unify the worlds, causing immense destruction and deaths in the process.” Shen Yuan rattled off, skipping over the part where the man apparently had over three thousand wives. “He was like a protagonist all on his own! I haven’t been able to get all the lore from the palace yet, but we can try tackling it today to find more lore. We’d be some of the first.” he said smugly, and the rest of that stream was dedicated to exploring the huge new palace and finding loot, scrolls and books that described the history of the place and its inhabitants. The palace was way too big to explore in a single stream, of course, what with the literal thousands of harem members’ rooms.

The place looked abandoned and oddly realistic compared to the other locations revealed in-game so far.

After six hours of endless explorations, Peerless Cucumber ended his stream.

He immediately went onto the forums to discuss his findings, only to see a few new threads speaking of a new random encounter. Excited, Shen Yuan clicked the threads, only to be met by what seemed like vague, creepypasta-esque descriptions of an encounter. Apparently, multiple people had experienced it, but no footage had been caught yet. Finding new, fresh-off the press content like this was Shen Yuan’s absolute favorite; he thrived off of the feeling of discovery. He immediately opened the threads in multiple tabs over his two screens to cross-reference, opening his notebooks to get every piece of information he could out of this encounter.

The encounter was described pretty consistently as follows.

While doing regular activities within the game, the player would suddenly hear a deep, ominous voice echoing over their sound system, sounding almost like someone was whispering in their ear. English-speaking players claimed it might be saying something like “Sister” or “sizzling” or “system”, although none sounded quite right from the mixed responses in the comments.

The atmosphere in the game would turn dark and ominous, and the players even felt something eerie, themselves.

This is where accounts of the occurrence started to vary the most. Some people claimed to see a glitchy, red thundering rend in space appear like a knife ripped a hole into spacetime. The cut would then open up into a ragged hole, from which a blurry dark figure crackling with red energy would rush at their character. Other people claimed a red lightning bolt zapped towards their characters from off-screen, and one person even claimed they were struck by the red lightning from above.

In every case, however, their characters ended up somehow incapacitated; either held against the ground or held up by the neck in a chokehold by a mysterious man.

The man was taller than any playable character in the game so far, with a muscular yet lithe build. His hair was dark and curly and he had a glowing red huadian on his forehead to match his glowing eyes.

The man would seem to inspect their characters, in a way that almost seemed too real, having detailed expressions and micromovements that would usually be skipped for such encounters.

Then the character would be killed in a single move, sometimes with a loud crack of a snapped neck, sometimes with a single slash of the ominous red-and-black blade the mysterious man would sometimes pull out. Shen Yuan noted the sword was usually only mentioned by people who had seen the man step out of a portal.

Apparently the strange new character had multiple voice lines as lots of people claimed to have heard something different when the man killed their character. Lots of players complained about the fact all the voice lines were in Chinese, but the Chinese community rejoiced in having their culture represented more in game.

Shen Yuan snorted a little at that. It’s a fucking cultivation game, it’s ALL Chinese representation, ah!

“Tch, another empty husk.” reported one player translated from Chinese, while another claimed they heard, “These things are everywhere.”. Another claimed the man didn’t speak at all.

The next moment is where the whole thing got a little bit scary, and perhaps a bit meta.

The man would then turn to face the player. Not the dead player character, but the actual player’s screen, staring right at them. Some people even claimed the man’s eyes followed their movements, but that would be insane; Proud Immortal Demon Way had no access to webcams.

Strangely enough, in this next part everyone who spoke Chinese seemed to agree on the exact wording used.

“No, you’re not him.” the man would say, before disappearing as suddenly as he had appeared, the atmosphere returning to normal.

People were a little mad about this unskippable encounter that would and could instantly kill their character, but luckily this game was very forgiving when it came to death, allowing a player to return to their body with minimal effort and only a small fee of gold.

While Shen Yuan was about to type a response asking for screenshots, another reply was posted where someone had shaky phone footage of their screen where their character was actively getting murdered by this NPC. The player babbled in Spanish as their character got killed and discarded and the strange new character turned to the camera, too blurry to be seen properly.

Shen Yuan felt a chill up his spine when the eyes turned towards the camera, and he felt like they stared right through his screen at him.

But that was silly.

However, something that wasn’t in any of the text descriptions of the encounter happened in the video.

“I’ll find you, Shizun.” said the mysterious man in fluent and noble-sounding Mandarin, and Shen Yuan felt goosebumps rising on his arms. That felt strangely personal.

The strangest thing about the whole encounter, however, was that the character did not match the artstyle of the rest of the game. PIDW was a very painterly-looking game with slightly exaggerated features and organic shapes, while this man looked… Real. Strangely so. It added a whole new layer of mystery into the whole situation.

The discussion continued fervently in the thread, and Shen Yuan participated merrily.

He was a known figure within the gaming community, so his input was both valued and sometimes ridiculed. After all, his theories on these threads came with as much criticisms and harsh words as they did praise and adulation.

PeerlessCucumber (posted at 01:21 AM):

This encounter certainly is interesting, if a bit cliche. Very “Ben Drowned”-inspired, I would say. The only way this could be more overdone is if there was blood raining from the skies when the guy appears and he jumpscares the player after killing their characters!

Maybe it’s retribution for all your characters looking like they came from an XXX-rated donghua, ha!

Have we figured out what triggered it yet? Some people were farming, a few were in the middle of a dungeon and there was even one person that was just logging out. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it! And what’s with the artstyle, huh? Can’t the devs be arsed to keep to their own game design?!”

Shen Yuan typed out a few more paragraphs of theories before posting it. Then he yawned, looking at the clock and seeing it was past 2 am. He could look into it more during his next stream.

–

He didn’t end up encountering the strange man in that stream, or the next, or the next. He didn’t end up getting the encounter for weeks. He was a little miffed at first, going through the motions and exploring the new lore and palace. He found overgrown gardens, a throne room and even a dungeon with a lake that held a pickling pot on a platform in the center, with only a partial skeleton remaining inside to hint at its intended purpose. He found that last one unsettling and gruesome yet morbidly fascinating.

He heard about people encountering the strange NPC from time to time, but eventually he mostly forgot about it as no new information came out.

That is until one night he saw a new thread on the forums about the NPC, claiming the mysterious man seemed to be getting more aggressive. The character, now nicknamed “The Rogue Emperor” due to his first appearance coinciding with the new palace dungeon and his royal-looking robes, used to talk to his victims sometimes, referring to someone called “Shizun”. People were starting to consider whether the mysterious man could be a bug or a rogue AI, though nobody put much stock into these theories. It was true that the NPC’s behavior changed over time, however.

Nowadays there was nearly no dialogue, just an annoyed growl here and there. The man would look at the player’s screen for a distance and leave, angrily. Attempts to follow the character were unsuccessful as, inevitably, another red crackling portal would be opened with the man’s sword and he would vanish through it.

People online were, of course, theorizing about an upcoming event that this whole encounter thing was a build-up for. Perhaps the man was a new raid boss and he would be found inside a hidden room in that recently-released palace, some suggested. Others thought it might be a rogue artificial intelligence, although they were laughed out of any forums they posted in.

Regardless of the reason behind it, Shen Yuan was a bit disappointed that, to this day, he had still not encountered the elusive Rogue Emperor for himself. He made sure he was always recording when he played PIDW, in case he did encounter the character. He did not want to miss it, although he would prefer to have the event happen while he was streaming.

Lo and behold, whatever gods might exist hear Shen Yuan’s silly little request as he was an hour into his usual Saturday stream— one of his busiest in a while as a new questline was revealed that would give more information about the palace— when suddenly, his screen took on a darker, more reddish hue.

It took him a moment to recognize the oddity, wondering at first if he’d had a curse placed on him like his viewers sometimes did as a prank, if only to get PeerlessCucumber started on one of his famous rants.

It was when he saw the slight visual glitching in the game that he realized exactly what was going on and he immediately got excited.

“Oh my— guys, guys, it’s happening, it’s happening!” he said excitedly, pointing at his screen with a big smile. His chat always lagged a few seconds behind like every other streamer’s, so it took a few moments for them to catch up.

By then, the red sparking lightning had started and by the time chat caught up, Shen Yuan’s character was being choked out.

Shen Yuan knew his facecam was shaking from his excited movements but he didn’t care, it was finally his turn!

He started describing how the encounter would go as he watched the tall, muscular character snap his own character’s neck (eh, it would take like two hours to regain his previous prestige, it’s fine) and drop the lifeless body to the ground.

Immediately, the man’s red glowing eyes locked onto Shen Yuan’s.

Shen Yuan happily described how, next up, the tall man would sigh or grunt about how the player was not who he was looking for and— and….

The character was approaching?

He looked… honestly, the character looked out of place. Shen Yuan had a good computer, sure, but PIDW had a more fantastical and slightly anime-like art style than could be fully realistic.

This man, this character looked photo-realistic. Shen Yuan wasn’t sure if anyone had ever gotten such a clear close-up of the man who had, apparently, broken his usual script and continued to approach, eyes intent and locked onto Shen Yuan’s.

“This is… wait, guys, this is different.” he finally said. Maybe he somehow broke its programming?

His screen flashed a black frame and when it came back on, the man was in front of the user interface.

Shen Yuan was vaguely aware of his chat going insane for a few moments as the character continued to approach before it, and most everything else on Shen Yuan’s screen completely froze save for the Rogue Emperor who was now practically right up against the screen.

And Shen Yuan wasn’t gay (or at least, he didn’t think he was), but this man, photorealistic as he was, was the most gorgeous man Shen Yuan had ever laid eyes on. Long, curved lashes framed luminescent red eyes. A sharp jawline that would make Henry Cavill jealous and long, curly dark brown hair framing a face that looked like it was carved by angels, with perfect, soft-looking, kissable lips— but like, platonically.

Shen Yuan also didn’t recall the Rogue Emperor having his cleavage on display like that but that was neither here nor there. Shen Yuan just thought the piece of jade jangling around between those pillows was interesting, okay?!

His face wasn’t red, it wasn’t.

The man leaned forward, to the point where if the screen were a window, his breath would be fogging it up.

Shen Yuan watched in a daze as the man then put his hand on the edge of the screen like it was the most natural thing and the man’s previously intense glare slowly twisted into a satisfied, smug and downright unsettling grin, exposing sharp cannes that Shen Yuan did not find sexy at all, no siree. He was so straight.

A voice that sounded way too close to be coming from his speakers startled Shen Yuan as the man suddenly spoke.

“Found you, Shizun.”

The stream ended with a single freeze frame of what looked like a robes arm with black claws reaching from off-screen towards PeerlessCucumber, the man looking absolutely horrified.

That was the last time anyone heard from PeerlessCucumber in a little over a year.

—

A year later, on a random Saturday in early March, PeerlessCucumber posted on his social media that he would do an impromptu stream in a few hours to hopefully lay to rest some of the more insane theories that had cropped up about his disappearance in the past year.

This caused a much bigger stir than any other of Shen Yuan’s previous streaming notifications as the name PeerlessCucumber had grown to be an internet phenomenon. A cute streamer with a fiery personality that was absolutely obsessed with the game and passionate about streaming, suddenly disappeared after encountering a niche event in his favorite game, after which some straight-up creepypasta crap took place.

Most people thought the whole thing was a publicity stunt.

Those people were often refuted by the fact that PeerlessCucumber had, in fact, disappeared after the whole debacle, so doing a publicity stunt only to not take advantage of it sounded stupid in that regard. Those people were often, in return, reminded of the spike in active players in PIDW after PeerlessCucumber’s thought-to-be-final stream, and thought the whole thing was set up by the game’s creators to get more interest in their game.

There were even some fringe opinions that the guy in the game had somehow abducted Shen Yuan which were usually considered crack ideas.

That is, until the young, sickly third son of the extremely wealthy Shen family was reported missing, who bore an uncanny resemblance to PeerlessCucumber. No, they actually looked exactly the same.

The plot thickens, because why would someone that rich take a sponsorship from PIDW to participate in this event and then stop streaming?

Nothing was adding up.

Especially when, a few weeks or so later, the Shens retracted their missing person’s report, claiming Shen Yuan was located. He never came into the public eye again though.

Multiple people made hours-long video essays on the subject positing their own theories and ideas on the matter, boosting the general populace’s awareness of the situations to untold levels.

The theories went from a murder plot to Shen Yuan deciding streaming wasn’t for him and trying to go out with a bang, to alien abduction.

So when PeerlessCucumber turned on his stream, he was surprised that, rather than his usual 800 or so viewers, he had closer to 150k viewers.

Needless to say, he seemed a bit nervous.

He adjusted his camera slightly, first and foremost, once the “Stream will start soon!” splash-screen was replaced with full-screen camera footage of Shen Yuan himself.

His hair was longer, now, worn in a loose ponytail. He wore a loose robe with what looked like a shirt underneath and it was the first time he’d been on camera without dark bags under his eyes.

He cleared his throat.

“Uh, hi! Long time no see.” he started, sounding as cheerful as he always had during his streams.

“So, apparently, there’s been some… ah… confusion about my last stream. Which is understandable given how it went and. Uh. Yeah! I’m here to let you all know that I’m fine! Some personal things came up and I’ve just been really occupied with those. I also went abroad for a while which is why I’ve been out of the public eye and— oh, dear. You don’t need to donate, guys, I don’t know if I’ll be able to start streaming regularly again after this but—” Shen Yuan babbled, realizing he should probably have typed up a rough draft of what he wanted to say beforehand.

It didn’t help that he still got flustered at a flirty Superchat splayed across his screen, telling him how pretty he was with his longer hair.

Shen Yuan’s face reddened, spluttering as he tried to regain his train of thought when the sound of a door being opened slightly more forcefully than was natural interrupted him and a large, red and black shape came into the edge of the camera’s view.

Some people felt a sense of dread, thinking this could totally be Shen Yuan’s kidnapper… only to see how Shen Yuan’s face softened at the new person’s entrance.

“Binghe, I told you I can do it myself.” he said softly, more gentle than anything his usual viewers had ever heard him sound before.

A deep voice came from off-screen, just barely on the edge of inaudible because of the microphone’s settings.

“You— oh. Thanks.” Said the slight young man as he was handed a plate of, honestly, professionally made gourmet sandwiches. “I’ll eat these afterwards, it’s rude to eat while streaming.”

The voice mumbled something off-screen again and PeerlessCucumber rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, I’ll introduce you in a bit, I still have to get to— oh!”

Before he could protest, Shen Yuan was being picked up off his chair by the barely visible man who immediately plopped down on the chair, finally revealing himself.

The chat freaked out when they saw the man properly.

Shen Yuan cheerfully introduced his new husband, Luo Binghe, whom he met through the game Proud Immortal Demon Way and who he’d gotten married to in late January. Luo Binghe remained quiet until a Superchat popped up, lamenting the loss of one of the most eligible bachelors ever to this random guy.

A dangerous smirk made his way onto the large man’s face as he nuzzled into Shen Yuan’s hair. “Shizun, Shizun, this one needs your help with the remote again. Will you please come help this Binghe?” he whined, and Shen Yuan looked fond but exasperated.

“Again? I’ve explained to you how to use it so many times… all right.” he said, leaning into the nuzzling. “As you all can see,” he said, turning back to the camera, “I am happy, healthy and safe. I don’t think I’ll be going back to streaming after this but thanks for sticking around! Uh. Yeah. See ya!” he said, and as he leaned forward to shut off the camera, Luo Binghe leaned forward with him, burying his face in Shen Yuan’s neck to leave a stream of sensual kisses.

Shen Yuan protested audibly, although more in a “Not in front of the camera!” sort of way rather than anything that implied he was unhappy with the affection itself.

The last frame was of Shen Yuan with an embarrassed but happy face and Luo Binghe, his head half buried in Shen Yuan’s neck, one glowing red eye glaring at the camera smugly.

Needless to say, this did not at all stop the flow of theories that would’ve been considered crazy in any other situation.

Not that Shen Yuan or Binghe cared. They were happy together.

#includes art #svsss #bingqiu #bingyuan #binggeyuan #scum villain #streamer au #streamer shen yuan #shen yuan #luo binghe #luo bingge #original luo binghe #fanfic #art #fanart #fanfiction #ao3 fanfic #ao3fic

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jackoshadows · 2 months ago

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The Night's Watch election for Lord Commander is such a riot! Funny and full of twists and turns.

First, five of the brothers keep voting for Three Finger Hobb in all the rounds because they hate his cooking so much they rather have him out of the kitchen and as Lord Commander!

Tonight it was Sam’s turn to give his results first. “Two hundred and three for Ser Denys Mallister,” he said. “One hundred and sixty-nine for Cotter Pyke. One hundred and thirty-seven for Lord Janos Slynt, seventy-two for Othell Yarwyck, five for Three-Finger Hobb, and two for Dolorous Edd.” Sam was more relieved than disappointed. Even with Bowen Marsh’s support, Lord Janos was still only third. “Who are these five who keep voting for Three- Finger Hobb?” he wondered. “Brothers who want him out of the kitchens?” said Clydas.

Even funnier Three Finger Hobb is taking the election seriously and campaigning by cooking them food!

Three-Finger Hobb had promised the brothers roast haunch of mammoth that night, maybe in hopes of cadging a few more votes. If that was his notion, he should have found a younger mammoth, Sam thought, as he pulled a string of gristle out from between his teeth. Sighing, he pushed the food away

Three Finger Hobb also got more votes than Dolorous Edd! Which, I guess, is not surprising, considering Edd gives one of the most depressing campaign speeches ever!

Dolorous Edd got up, stone-faced and glum as ever. “I just want to say to whoever is voting for me that I would certainly make an awful Lord Commander. But so would all these others.”

So who is voting for Edd? Pyp just for fun!

Pyp and his stupid japes

Stannis really, really hates Janos Slynt and does some anti-Slynt campaigning before the team leaders...

“Your Grace, let me say how pleased we are to be summoned here. When I saw your banners from the Wall, I knew the realm was saved. ‘There comes a man who ne’er forgets his duty,’ I said to good Ser Alliser. ‘A strong man, and a true king.’ May I congratulate you on your victory over the savages? The singers will make much of it, I know—” “The singers may do as they like,” Stannis snapped. “Spare me your fawning, Janos, it will not serve you.”

Maester Aemon is dropping all the hints to Sam and going 'I can't be seen choosing any one candidate but someone else can...' Wink Wink!

“The choosing . . . Maester, isn’t there something you could do? What the king said of Lord Janos . . .” “I recall,” Maester Aemon said, “but Sam, I am a maester, chained and sworn. My duty is to counsel the Lord Commander, whoever he might be. It would not be proper for me to be seen to favor one contender over another.” “I’m not a maester,” said Sam. “Could I do something?” Aemon turned his blind white eyes toward Sam’s face, and smiled softy. “Why, I don’t know, Samwell. Could you?”

Cotter Pyke's description of the candidates is hilarious:

“Who? Bowen Marsh? The man counts spoons. Othell’s a follower, does what he’s told and does it well, but no more’n that. Slynt . . . well, his men like him, I’ll grant you, and it would almost be worth it to stick him down the royal craw and see if Stannis gagged, but no. There’s too much of King’s Landing in that one. A toad grows wings and thinks he’s a bloody dragon.” Pyke laughed. “Who does that leave, Hobb? We could pick him, I suppose, only then who’s going toboil your mutton, Slayer? You look like a man who likes his bloody mutton.”

Denys Mallister does a Joe Biden and is like I am old so it's my turn and I deserve this job and also engages in some old-timey classism.

Also everyone hates Janos Slynt!

And this so-called Lord of Harrenhal is a butcher’s whelp upjumped by the Lannisters. Small wonder he is venal and corrupt.”

Sam then does some garden variety electoral fraud and using Ned's philosophy lies to both Denys and Cotter Pyke that Stannis means to chose the other man if no decision was made by that night and setting a deadline. Poor ol' Ned must be turning in his grave knowing his 'some lies are honorable' teachings are being used to commit electoral fraud!

Another candidate then puts in Jon's name as a candidate!!

Maester Aemon answered, from the far end of the hall. “Your name has been put forth as Lord Commander, Jon.” That was so absurd Jon had to smile. “By who?” he said, looking for his friends. This had to be one of Pyp’s japes, surely. But Pyp shrugged at him, and Grenn shook his head. It was Dolorous Edd Tollett who stood. “By me. Aye, it’s a terrible cruel thing to do to a friend, but better you than me.”

Stannis' anti-Slynt campaigning works and Othell Yarwyck who was getting heavily courted by Slynt and Thorne then engages in a sudden twist, gives up his candidature and is like 'I support Jon, here are all his credentials' and does some light campaigning for Jon.

Othell Yarwyck stood up slowly, frowning. The big builder rubbed his long lantern jaw and said, “Well, I’m pulling my name out. If you wanted me, you had ten chances to choose me, and you didn’t. Not enough of you, anyway. I was going to say that those who were casting a token for me ought to choose Lord Janos . . .” Ser Alliser nodded. “Lord Slynt is the best possible—” “I wasn’t done, Alliser,” Yarwyck complained. “Lord Slynt commanded the City Watch in King’s Landing, we all know, and he was Lord of Harrenhal . . .” “He’s never seen Harrenhal,” Cotter Pyke shouted out. “Well, that’s so,” said Yarwyck. “Anyway, now that I’m standing here, I don’t recall why I thought Slynt would be such a good choice. That would be sort of kicking King Stannis in the mouth, and I don’t see how that serves us. Might be Snow would be better. He’s been longer on the Wall, he’s Ben Stark’s nephew, and he served the Old Bear as squire.” Yarwyck shrugged. “Pick who you want, just so it’s not me.” He sat down.

And then, AND THEN, frigging BLOODRAVEN turns up to do some last minute campaigning for Jon Snow that pretty much all but decides the election!

With a raucous scream and a clap of wings, a huge raven burst out of the kettle. It flapped upward, seeking the rafters perhaps, or a window to make its escape, but there were no rafters in the vault, nor windows either. The raven was trapped. Cawing loudly, it circled the hall, once, twice, three times. And Jon heard Samwell Tarly shout, “I know that bird! That’s Lord Mormont’s raven!” The raven landed on the table nearest Jon. “Snow,” it cawed. It was an old bird, dirty and bedraggled. “Snow,” it said again, “Snow, snow, snow.” It walked to the end of the table, spread its wings again, and flew to Jon’s shoulder.

The way Jon's Targaryen ancestors Bryndon Rivers and Maester Aemon came together to get their descendant elected is 🔥. Not to mention Yarwyck going 'Jon is Benjen Stark nephew!' which means his Stark heritage counted as well. Some Ice and Fire stuff in here.

And finally the election is over and Jon wins. Those poor five brothers will have to continue to eat Three Finger Hobb's food!

The humor interspersed throughout chapters like this are why this series just does not get boring no matter how many rereads I do. Even if GRRM never finishes at least we will have some good books out of what we still have.

#Jon Snow #Samwell Tarly #asoiaf #Stannis Baratheon #Three Finger Hobb #Dolorous Edd #Janos Slynt #Maester Aemon #Night's Watch #Bloodraven

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