#the other stuff is in process rn
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What's this-? A new unit?
Meet 🌟 SunkenStarlight - a trio of young singers just looking for a fun passtime. "To sing the night away-!" 📑 Damien James; "Remember who I used to be? Yeah, I can do that much." 🪶 Erynn Oswold; "I'll never let you drag me down!" ☕️ Siobahnn O'conner; "What kind of shitty escape is this, really...?"
#ramblings#no image id#pjsk posting#sekai oc posting#i am so cringe#the logo should be transparent? i think? idk#the other stuff is in process rn
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trying to be more accepting of the likelihood I am autistic, I feel ive been having this constant back and forth conversation with myself for the past 2 years about it. "you can go to school, be a therapist for people, run errands, win awards, and somehow fit 2 jobs into all of that" and I use that as proof that I am NOT autistic...however, realizing i lose an entire weekend for a trip? distress. fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night and leaves me trembling, crying, and forced to recover? oh boy i wonder why that happened. feeling confused and like i'm constantly missing something when people express themselves in class or in the workplace? hm, it's almost as if I struggle to not take their language literally.
i don't think i've ever been allowed to be "disabled" by whatever neurodivergency and its symptomology, like, ever. god speed any other neurodivergent children of immigrants, but i don't feel allowed to let any cluster of disturbances or schedule changes or social conundrums disable me. I mean, they can affect me privately, where I am forced to stim and cry and process all on my own. But unfortunately i cannot look like the misshapen freak I feel I am, or well, as least not appear so in a socially unacceptable way.
it's funny i carry so much shame. i am unmasking in ways i never thought i could. i am allowing myself to take things literally with people, and I am allowing myself to ask more questions. "what did you mean by that?" "why did you use that word to describe that?" "can you rephrase that?" it's funnier that I am at such a queer and neurodiverse internship; nearly all of the other clinical staff have some sort of diagnosis (usually adhd/ocd/with flavors of trauma), and we all serve a population of the queerest and most neurodiverse students. i feel SO happy when I see a student and they refuse to make eye contact with me, because I take it as an invitation to NOT look them in the eye too! i tell students during our sessions feel free to stim, here's a weighted plushie you can hold, sit where you like, would you like to pace, should I dim the lights? it is even funnier that i am a neurodivergent clinician working with neurodivergent people, and half the time I dont even follow the same advice I give my clients!
i worry about what my life will look like when i've graduated. my master's will say, "hey, this guy is a clinical social worker and is now ready to be your therapist! or caseworker! whatever they have you people do nowadays!" and I don't think i feel ready to enter any workforce. how on earth will i manage my life and wellbeing doing this 40 hours a week? like wtf? ugh.
i dunno. these r just rambles and perhaps im just seeking some sort of comfort from other autistic people, especially because it feels like i have very few autistic people in my life. i know a lot of the validation i seek will be "resolved" if i seek out an official diagnosis, but I don't have time or $ for that. nor do I think I want one for a number of reasons. I should just continue working on my own self-esteem when it comes to most likely being autistic.
oh well
#muerto talks#sorry for long ramble#been having lots of autistic thoughts#been making less eye contct stimming more in class#showing up in what feels comfortable to me#ive also been frustrated becaus realizations r slowly processing and i feel really fucking silly and dumb rn#because im only just now putting up hints together#whatever i think its dumb to make the autistic guy have to pick up all these social cues and hints even tho people wont just say something#but yeah either way im actually feeling really good at my internship#i think my neurotype gives me an advantage in a lot of ways#do i get triggered still like yeah#but it wont him me until well after a session is over#but whatecer#would love to hear from other autistic people who work or go to school n stuff like that
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Chuuya Week Day 5 - Alternate Universe
(Drawn for @chuuyaweek2024 ‘s Chuuya Week)
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Textless version under the cut
#me abt to realise colour theory whilst making this piece: :o#colour picked the shadows from 15 Chuuya reference sheet. was worried it was gonna look off. then BAM#moral or the story. uhhh. idk trust the process. esp if you’re a hobby artist like me and not learning this stuff in class or whatever#lamentfulwarbler’s soukoku backstory swap au#i have been brainrotting over this au of mine so bad but its all incomprehensible mush rn so i can’t even share most of it ueueueueueueue#bsd#bsd fanart#bungo stray dogs#bungo stray dogs fanart#bungou stray dogs#bungou stray dogs fanart#bsd chuuya#bsd chuuya nakahara#bsd nakahara chuuya#chuuyaweek2024#chuuyaweek24#chuuya week 2024#chuuya week 24#also ik it just say backstory swap. but it’s specifically just skk who’ve swapped#any other changes are a product of that swap. not individual swaps themselves 👍#just says*#minor spelling mistake *spontaneously combusts*
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Everytime I look at Tumblr and see the tl I remember why I hate endgame with a passion you couldn't understand.
They fucked up Steve and Bucky so bad (yes, Bucky too bc suddenly he doesn't matter/isn't even a secondary character that deserves to be near Steve)
It's so funny to me (not) bc they talked about gay characters being in the movie at panels and interviews and even talked about Stucky at some point (basically queerbaiting) for then... Steve not even acknowledging Bucky. An awkward and impersonal hug doesn't cut it.
And Steve suddenly yearning and talking about Peggy? When he didn't even mourned her that bad and already had let her go ages ago? They knew they fucked up in CATWS with Steve and Buckys relationship, so they tried to distance them and then inserted Peggy bc ofc
(they possibly didn't have the time for a new character and they already had fucked up pairing Nat and Bruce and Wanda and Vision). Steve didn't have anyone else he cared about so they couldn't give him a new girlfriend. So they used Peggy AGAIN.
I'm not mad bc "Stucky not canon grr"
No.
I'm fucking pissed off because they did the worst character assassination and friendship assassination possible. Every movie of Cap America revolved around Steve saving Bucky at some point and him caring about him above all else, and you want me to believe that Steven Grant Rogers didn't care about him when Bucky died in front of his eyes? AGAIN? That Peggy's death was more important and impactful for him? If that was the case then why the fuck did he crash the plane then? If he cared so much about Peggy since forever?
No, that was just lazy writing and a way to reinforce Steve's sexuality "He can't be gay and you can't say that bc he LOVES PEGGY"(even tho he only kissed her once, even tho he crashed the plane and didn’t give her the coordinates, he didn't really care that much after all) they could have paired him with Nat in later movies, but they didn't.
That's why I only raise my eyebrows a lil when people say that x character will be gay canonically in a marvel movie/series. Is more than possible they won't. And if they are they're Deadpool, a secondary character no one cares about (obscure in lore too, so they can cut them off) or is plain queerbaiting again (because yes, even if you don’t see Steve and Bucky’s relationship as romantic, they DID QUEERBAIT IT)
Steve and Buckys relationship wasn't even written in a romantic way (you can ship them or not), but they tried so hard to rectify Steve's heterosexuality in endgame, that they fucked up their character arcs on purpose. And now they will always feel hollow and inconclusive. A bad taste in the mouth, a painful reminder of what it was and a what? 11 year long? characterization.
Idk man, I know I've talked about this more than three times, but omfg Tumblr reminds me why I hate that fucking movie!!! It's not my fault!!!
I know I'm going to end up writing something out of spite bc I can't take it shdkdjjcif
"It's been more than 4 years get over it" NEVER
Also the bit with Johnny Storm in Deadpool and Wolverine was also a dig (a fuck you if you will) to the fans bc Deadpool explicitly calls him Cap. And it implies that Steve as a character (not that old Steve nonsense) won't be back.
It's funny they've remade over and over again some movies (Fantastic 4, Spiderman) changed actors for characters (James/war machine, Bruce) and they include them in the multiverse/plot, but they won't do the same to some movies and some characters when they fuck up their stories, because they know if they do, they will have to acknowledge WHY they did it. Like with James/war machine changing actors.
So yeah, that's one of the reasons I don't care about Marvel anymore.
**I mean remake the movies ((Also they Can't remake Cap America bc that would mean they need to remake every important movie. And they don't have the time, the money nor the need. So that's why they decided to fuck their character arcs))
or include some characters in multiverse (they're going to do that with Tony/RDJ/Dr Doom after all, no?) and they also won't remake Cap bc the movies are amazing.
But the point stands. Steve couldn't be in DaW bc that would imply he's an alternative one or that Old!Steve was an alternative one or wasn't even Steve to begin with. But they couldn't do that ofc, no, bc that would give the fans hope in seeing Steve and Bucky together once again. So they did a dig at the fans bc "haha you thought it was Steve, but it's Johnny!"
Idk if I'm making sense at this point I'm tired af, need to sleep.
The thing is that they fucked up Steve Rogers's arc on purpose (Bucky's too, and others charas too tbh) and now they expect the fans to accept everything they give us with open arms. And imho I won't accept shit.
"Deadpool saved the MCU" how? If the other og characters are DEAD or they fucked them up too? Or are the butt of the joke now? Don't make me laugh. Most people don't gaf bout the new charas bc they only are presented in series not everyone watches (only available in one place) or are presented with characters that are dead now or as a replacement for the og characters. They aren't interesting on their own (not really, at least in mcu) and that's why most of the new stuff isn't liked as much. If they wanted to present more characters the opportunity passed already.
Also now if you want to watch and really understand 1 movie (if you don't read the comics too) you need to watch like 20 other movies and 5 shows. it's fucking exhausting.
#oh boy here we go again#im once again SCREAMING INTO THE VOID#anti endgame#anti marvel#i wrote this on twt originally#im really pissed off still#and so so tired#steve rogers#I don’t count X men bc the fucking timeline is more complicated than my brain can process rn#also weren’t they dead too?#idk I can’t remember atm#and I haven’t watched the movies in ages#the thing is I feel cheated bc they fucked up Steve and Buckys relationship specifically#and I can’t accept that and I really cant see Sam and Bucky suddenly being buddy buddy with each other either so TFAWS is a NO for me#also a notp noe bc people LOVE to hate on Steve and shit on him while they write stuff#also why I don’t believe anything Marvel says about having gay characters#if they really cared about representation or shit they would have assumed Steve was gay or at least bisexual or Buckysexual#but they queerbaited the shit out of the promos to give us that big fuck you in the end#and THEY KNEW they fucked up with CATWS because they went from theyre best friends to theyre kinda codependent in like an unhealthy amount#I mean assume in the other tag in a shit we fucked up ok well he’s this now kinda way#if you think about it Steve and Bucky are the almostonly characters that could be canonically gay or bi in the MCU (deadpool doesn’t count)#because they don’t have significant relationships with other people and even less with women#maybe Natasha? but they paired her with Bruce… when he has a relationship with Betty#THEY SHOT THEMSELVES IN THE FOOT AND BLAMED US#basically they got mad at us and broke their own toy bc they had a tantrum#so fuck you russo brothers#fuck you mcu#To the Tony isn’t straight crowd… they paired him with women only in MCU if I remember correctly#and yes I cant see Sam and Bucky as a couple#not sorry and if you ship them great! But i wont interact and not going to follow you bc i really can’t tolerate thst ship
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Based on my and now a few other users (that I've seen) experiences, it SEEMS like tumblr has some sort of automated filter active currently that hides image posts from the dashboard/tags immediately upon posting if an algorithm detects (real or imagined) sexual content. I first noticed this alongside the latest wave of spambots and I'm guessing it's their method of dealing with that? (I have no way of knowing if it's been going on longer though)
There is no indication that your work has been hidden and it's not the same mechanism as flagged content. It sounds like in some cases the post will eventually show up (which suggests there might be human verification as part of the process??maybe???), but in some cases it never does.
It's definitely some sort of automated function and not a glitch, as it only happens to specific images (not at random) and covering the image with a giant censor bar, covering up any obvious 'inappropriate' bits, or putting a color filter over it (especially if it eliminates flesh tones) will allow the same image to be posted.
So far for me it has filtered frontal nudity (within tumblr guidelines), sexual looking positions (within tumblr guidelines), and some entirely innocuous shit that I can't figure out for the life of me what it's detecting. I've had no issues posting nudity that isn't flesh-toned.
There's no mention of this feature that I've can find so this is all based on guessing and experimentation (in the form of desperately trying to find a workaround lol) so don't take my word on how exactly this function works. But this is definitely A Thing That Is Happening.
#Wanted to make a post on a blog that has Followers this time because I've just encountered I think the 4th other person I've seen#this happening to and it's really bothering me#If there is a human approval process that's....Better than nothing I guess but I wish there was some transparency#I'd still be annoyed if it gave a 'woopsy daisy our poorly calibrated bot has detected SEX please wait for approval' indicator but like#it would be slightly better#Also to my brave warriors posting actual p*rn art on here which wouldn't get past a human verifier:#A workaround is to slap a color filter over it. Blue multiply layer worked for me (though this was for some pretty innocuous stuff)
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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could we get some spruce? hes Such a character and needs a whole lotta love
I love Spruce! He and Chip have known each other for so long, and count each other like brothers. Spruce misses their old cabin that they built together,,
#Spruce misses working at D. Foresting and Logging Co.; he misses Chip#In our AU both Spruce and Chip worked with D. Foresting and Logging Co. for quite a bit#Although Chip worked has a consultant (safety primarily) over with S.C.R.E.W.; B.E.L.T.; and C.R.A.N.K. as well#Spruce is 9 years older than Chip and counts him like a little brother#Spruce is 55 and Chip is 46 rn in our AU; they've known each other since Spruce with 27 and Chip was 18#So quite a bit of history between the two of them#Spruce works with logging and deforsting with Alton and the both don't know much about what goes on inside C.O.G.S. Inc#since their positions are outside#Spruce has been told by Misty about what C.O.G.S. Inc has done to Chip... and what the firing process is like inside#Spruce misses Chip.. he wishes he never took up the offer and winding up cursing Chip too#imagionary rambles#I think imma write lore and stuff in the tags instead of the main posts#I feel better doing so idk why xD#I hope that's okay!#ttcc#toontown corporate clash#toontown: corporate clash#toontown#spruce campbell#treekiller#chip revvington#chainsaw consultant
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OOOH MORE WIPS UPON YYEEE i amm gonna crawl outa this artblock even if it KILLS ME! and speaking of killsing. whats with THIS dead guy huh??? its chip jrwi baby yeaaah its undead chip baby yeaaaahh its chip n hes fucken dead and rotting and gross and OOHHH IM SO PROUD OF HIm(for being dead)
#riptide spoils#HEY REMEMBER THAT SPOILER TAG I MENTIONED I WOULD USE#ieah i know its ppprobably commonish knowledge rn what happpend to chip n stuff but yknwo.#still a pretty big fuckan spoily#ANYWAY LOOOK AT HOW MY STYLE SIMPLIFIES AND BOILS DOWN ALL THE COMPLEXITIES INTO CONSISTANCIES#i think the flow of my art going from more detailed to less detailed is fun heheheh weeee!! having fun and drawing!!#ALSO I MISSED DRAWING CHIPP OUHHH ITS BEEN SO LONNGGand now look at him...hes gorgus....HES SO CHARMINGLY GROSS#twirling my hair kicking my legs honesttllyyyyy ive been sooo in love w chip since i started the show... hes just so cute and stabbable#like i waant to see him in unimaginable pain and agony and also i want to see him hold hands w several other characters#INCREDIBLY easy to ship w people if u just look at how much every1 WANTS this guy. like remember how niklaus treated him. like damn.#ill draw another 'i ship chip w everyone' page again.someday.if u wanna see the first one u gotta go dig it up. go fetch.#anyway isnt it wack that chip is just dead now and hes jsut gotta deal w that and hes about to go into a big important arc as a dead boy#CAN U IMAGINE the reactions when he comes home. he wears the disguise ofc but all it takes is a hug to realize that he is rotting mush now#and also bones. HES TERRIFYING. hes gross. HES EVERYTHING U WANT. is he okay.#TRUST THE PROCESS! THE HOLY WATER SHOWER HURTS BUT WELL. MAYBE THATS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE. UNDEAD BASTARD. FUUUCK#IM working on other doodly pages. finishing up an edyn one thats VRY OLD.also a queen doodly page.ouuhh i gotta relisten to som eps tho...#but i dont have TIME or SPACE FOR PODCATS RN!!! HELPP!!!WAT THE FUCK IS JUDGMENT??????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Hngnngng I think. I think we're good,
My funds for the month are drained but Alfie still has some as well as something like 1k on credit cards and. I know that's something that needs to be paid back but its so much wiggle room that I'm not used to
Like it's honestly frying my brain a little that I don't need to be constantly thinking about money this month. I still am ofc lmao but its...christ, I've been living so long with the certainty that I cannot afford my own existence. I literally do not know how to process the possibility that I'm covered
#im not. ready to beieve that we're okay#and...just *okay*. we still need to look for a new flat. we still both really need new jobs.#but even being Okay is such an outlandish borderline fantasy for me#im so afraid Something will happen and we'll have to beg again#and tbh im. i hate saying it like that i hate viewing it like that#cognitive dissonance of id never cast any judgement on other people seeking mutual aid but when its Me its Bad Somehow#im working on that too lmao becoming a well rounded person is a long ass process#i just...we're getting there. we're so close to just Existing and thats something ive Known for years id never have#tldr im feeling alot of thongs very weirdly rn and want anyone that reads this to know. Thank you.#i wouldnt be alive without the friendly folks on my phone#some of whom dont really even know me beyond what i vent on here#some of whom i absolutely neglect in talking to bc its So Hard so often#but yall have made it so i can just...exist. with the person i love.#we absolutely arent home-free yet but its...palpable. its something i can imagine being.#and that is a gift.#and i have yall to thank for it.#g o d i really gotta look into shipping stuff oversees soon#whole bunch of people vastly overdue for a Silly Little Gift
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Husband decided to just take the plunge and build a PC instead of fixing his laptop, and the case arrived yesterday so I skipped class to watch him assemble :)
#it takes a lot of the worry I had about this process out tbh#it went smoothly as far as I can tell#now I need to do the parts research for my own PC :)#my preferred CPU is basically completely unavailable or price gouged rn but people seem to think it’s because the next gen is coming out#so if that happens this chip should drop in price#so perfect timing lol#then it’s finding the right GPU and deciding on the other stuff#I suddenly care about aesthetics so I need to Color Coordinate too#I’m finding I kind of like those goofy terrarium PC cases lmao
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anyone want to see smth silly (15 sketchbook pages of guz content starting from september and ending at yesterday's sketch)
#if i post it it'll be mostly just bc i want to archive my stuff somewhere but i haven't quite figured out where to do that yet djdmdl#so tumblr is as good a place as any rn for me fjfkdl#but also i just like sharing creative processes and art and whatnot djdksl i think its fun seeing other ppls so i share mine too#me when i overexplain myself !!!! WAUGH !!!#dandy.cmd
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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alright so ive decided the first three chapters of as the years pass by are getting rewritten!!
updates with each will be slow, but ill try to somehow release them all at once to not confuse things since there are some things i need to add, plus i realized how i wasnt actually focusing on jenna and ethan properly so yeah a rewrite here we come lmao
#ninjago#ninjago au#astheyearspassby#atypb#levi's ted talks#levi's writing#will put this on ao3 rn#since they really do need a rewrite#theyll definitelyy take a long while esp with other wips but hey theyll be out eventually!#of course there are also things that ill keep but ive been thinking of adding and changing stuff yk what i mean#which means i also have ch4 to start over once i finish those 3#*sigh* well i put myself up to this lmao#another multichapter story (the lostshipping fic) is also coming up so i think ill be focusing a little more on that first and on atypb#at the same time somehow#but with my lack of free time itll be a hella slow process#ill try to post the ref sheets of jenna and ethan first too#its like if im posting the fic again yk what i mean#i also might add their designs in the future too bc theyre still kids here#ninjago dragons rising#sorry if anyone was waiting for ch4 :"))#ill try to write it along with the rewrites#so the release date between the two wouldnt be too big#watch my freetime go “fuck you”
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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Bitch this shit does not fucking goddamn cohere i swear to god!!!!!!!
#my stuff#aiy am sooooo mad at my research lab rn they are going in like 5 semi-aborted directions at once#ooh we need to do this ooh we need to do this#lemme put u on this project but also if this other one works no one will care abt your results bc the other will be Way Easier#also i know i told u this project is abt drug discovery but actually we don't care about that stage of the process#we care about the shitty little minutia that is important but so abstractly connected as to be virtually unrelated#like ummm if im trying to find a way to inhibit a protein why in fuck do i care if something binds to it while its chopped up into 5 peps??#that's missing all the secondary structure and complexes it forms that are arguably vital for function?!#binch??#hough im working so hard trying to understand all this shit i need time i need more fucking time i need everyone out of my ass please pleas#i just wanna pass my classes and get to summer so i can focus on doing lab properly and stabbing myself full of HRT
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im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just
it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)
#text post#god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again#in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps#makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now#gonna sleep eventually#i think lmao#im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better#that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something#no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that#my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it#he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances)#and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year#i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND#and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live#that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me#he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off#where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself#if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao#i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine#gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings#find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try#forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others
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