#the mental gymnastics i would constantly go through in my head to like other my sister and reassure myself that i was normal

[dietbeverage]

Sometimes I remember a conversation I had with my mom around the time they were learning about my younger sisters adhd and she said "a lot of people with adhd need to do something to occupy themselves to help their brains think. A lot of them doodle or bounce their leg or do something like that in class and it helps them focus." And I remember thinking yeah I do both of those things but I'm built different lmao I just do those for fun and not bc of adhd. Girl...

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Is it possible for you to do one where the Mc is like a a quad player since I’m a quad player in a band? But let’s say the M6 never knew that , and they like NEVER saw a drum before and one day they are excited to see Mc but they hear loud noises and they walk in to see Mc playing the quads, fully concentrated not even noticing that they are there and like to the play the quads you gotta be fast so Mc is moving extra fast and is fully concentrated. And the M6 just watches until Mc notices them

Some (brief) Arcana HCs

Honestly I can just see this playing out, M6 are all madly in love with MC as it is so seeing them in their full drummer *hotness* would easily put any of them in a state of shock!

The next set of headcanons will be for an MC who plays a musical instrument, but here are my very quick thoughts on how the M6 would respond to this situation specifically:

~ bear in mind that MC has just finished displaying an impressive amount of dexterity, speed, arm strength, and focus; and is now flushed, sweaty, out of breath, and running on an endorphin rush ~

Julian: He now has so many drum-related innuendos running through his brain but he can't choose one because those ragged breaths of yours keep distracting him. Will never be able to look at any drum the same way again.

Asra: Keeps staring shamelessly long after you've finished. It's the way they can almost see your heart beating that does them in. He will ask to try drumming too, but it's just an excuse to lay his head on your chest and mimic the rhythm there.

Nadia: Doesn't realize her jaw was dropping until you look over at her and she snaps it shut. She's trying to do mental gymnastics on how she could duet this with her pipe organ, but she keeps remembering your focused gaze and stuttering.

Muriel: Wow, that's a lot of fast movement. He initially came running because that kind of loud, frantic noise was making him worried, but he's staying because he can't tear his eyes away. You're powerful like this, and he's enchanted.

Portia: YES. The combined ferocity and control. The speed. The only other time she can think of finding you this attractive is when you set off an explosion in the fields (as a demonstration). Will ask you to play again constantly.

Lucio: Can barely wait for you to finish before throwing himself at you. That made him feel the kind of excitement he used to find at parties, only now it's the way you grip those sticks like a weapon, and - he is going to make so many dirty jokes.

[ineffectualdemon]

Thank you for answering my ask, (from the anon that ask before).....If you don't mind me asking again, my other ask is about Scum Villain....Who are your top 3 or top 5 fav characters from that fandom and why do you love them? What are your top 5 or top 7 fav moments from the series? Feel free if you want to pick either or answer all the questions....Thanks if you want to answer....

I love these asks! It's like being invited to info dump and it's so much fun!

Warning this is long:

Okay top 5 SVSSS characters are easy peasy

5. Liu Qingge: man he just doesn't catch a break. He's this jock meathead type guy on the surface who is rough around the edges but he's so caring once Shen Qingqiu earned his trust. Also the yearning! The pining! The fact that this guy who he shows devotion after devotion to just chooses someone who has, by all appearances, just abused him again and again is heartbreaking. And even post canon when he has been unwittingly but irrevocably rejected he still does the same acts of devotion.

The man needs a drink and to get laid.

And homoerotic fistfights with Binghe

4. Mobei Jun: this is on his own. Paired with Shang Qinghua it's different. Mobei Jun actually shares a lot of qualities with Liu Qingge. They are both rough stoic men who constantly do acts of devotion and love towards their loved on and those acts are always misinterpreted and they face constant rejection.

The difference is Shang Qinghua is not aware of Mobei Jun's intentions and does not realise those are acts of devotion. And if he did realise he would be thrilled. The problem is cultural differences not emotional constipation

Also Mobei Jun has been pining and yearning for decades and that's amazing

I also like what he tells us about Airplane. Because he's Airplane's ideal man both in what he is attracted to and what he longs to be, but that "what he wants to be" is based on how Airplane reads him. And Airplane reads him as stoic and cold and cool (metaphorically) and untouched and unbothered by anything. Which tells us that that's what Airplane wishes he was, but Mobei Jun is in reality someone desperate to hold on and be held in return. He's lonely and devoted and loyal and unwaveringly honest.

Which is maybe telling of how maybe secretly Airplane wants to reach out and be honest about his feelings and ask for what he wants.

3. Luo Binghe: god there is so much to say. He is a dark reflection of Airplane. He is so parched for love and affection and that he latches on to Shen Qingqiu and cannot let go but he can never feel worthy enough. Never feel like he deserves happiness because time and again it's ripped from his hands.

No one will choose him

He is all alone

Even when he has everything he has every wanted he can't believe it. Because surely this will be ripped away too and he will be left hurt and alone again

He is every dark thought Airplane had alone in his room writing 10,000 words a day to keep his head above water in a dingy room knowing he's unwanted by either of his parents

And man if that doesn't cut deep into me as the unwanted child growing up

That feeling of believing no one will choose you ever and you will never be really loved and then making the one person who does the centre of your world but constantly afraid they will change their mind?

Yeah.

I can identify with that

it's gotten better over the years but uh yeah. The insecurity is still there

2. Shen Qingqiu/Shen Yuan: the tragic comedy of his internalised queerphobia while attracting a harem of men. The unawareness of self, the disassociating, the mental gymnastics he goes through to no homo himself

He's a fascinating unreliable narrator and also his internal screaming is really funny and relatable. I don't have the System but I do have disassociative identify disorder and we definitely get in internal screaming matches sometimes because some of us are dicks. So that kind of internal fighting is very familiar and even funnier to me

I also find it interesting that canonically when he transmigrates pretty much the only overt trauma in his life up that point is dying. He grew up relatively wealthy with a distant but loving family and managed to hit the top 10 of whatever he tried so he was successful enough without being outstanding

In a lot of ways before transmigrating he sounds...bored and unfulfilled

But when he dies he has never had to process trauma before so he just ...doesn't. But also I think he's excited and interested and involved in his life for the first time

And I think it's really interesting that he self identifies more with his online handle then he does with his actual name. There is no reason he couldn't say his name was Something Yuan. But he never tries to go by his original name in the book. He hides behind his ridiculous web handle instead.

And I think that tells us that while he was from a relatively good life on the surface there were issues. Because I think even in his first life he was doing a lot of masking.

Because Shen Qingqiu/Shen Yuan reads as autistic. PIDW is his special interest. He's can info dump about monsters. The way he uses his fan is like a stim. And the way he masks as Shen Qingqiu is too practiced right away.

Even though he gets caught out right away he thinks he's masking well and it feels like he's used to it.

That combined with him preferring his online handle and how he drops the mask completely around Airplane who knew his online persona makes me feel that online is the only place he allowed himself to unmask and I find that very interesting

1. Shang Qinghua/Airplane:

I love him

I love him so much

He is just so tired and done with this shit.

He barely hides that he's a transmigrator, barely hides that he's a spy. He immediately calls Shen Qingqiu Cucumber Bro because he's so relieved he isnt alone

He's terrified of his King but god forbid anyone even think of harming a hair on his favourite's head

He is a sell out because he is a survivor. He has a lot of the same insecurities and issues as Binghe but he also has age on him and a cynicism that sees him through

He is as devoted to Mobei Jun as Binghe is to Shen Qingqiu but there is a mellower edge. He doesn't expect his King to choose him and he's fine with just being useful for most of the text

It's interesting to me that Binghe was willing to destroy the world to make it that Shen Qingqiu had to choose him because there would be no other choice

But Shang Qinghua gives Mobei Jun a challenge

He doesn't do it consciously but he basically tells Mobei "come find me and make it up to me. It's your turn to chase me."

Which is something Binghe cannot do and I really think that's speaks to the length of time Shang Qinghua has been alive in comparison but it's also just an interesting character moment for him

He wants what Bingqiu have but he wants to be the one chased now. After decades of being the servant afraid of being thrown away or killed he just wants domesticity and someone doing acts of service for him! And he gets it!

He's someone who causes the death of many children and everyone just kinda...overlooks that

Because he's just a little guy! And is so weak and pathetic except he's not. Not really.

He's jsut so fucking fascinating because he's got huge insecurities and issues but he's also got such a thick skin and thick face

He doesn't care what people think about him as long as he can be with his King at the end of the day

I could go on forever about Shang Qinghua but this is already so long

Top 5 moments:

Now I'm gonna say I haven't got the last two volumes yet so while I have read the whole story before it's been awhile since I read the end so things might be misremembered a little but I'm gonna do my best

5. The moment in the extras when Luo Binghe asks Sha Hualing, Mobei Jun, and Shang Qinghua for love advice because all 4 of them are so fucking stupid but especially Moshang and I love them

4. the Reveal of Shen Qingqiu in the plant Body in Cang Qiong. That "caught you" is so *chefs kiss* I love it! Then following that up with Binghe on one side an all his very hurt Martial Family on the other.... It brings me such joy. It's so well done

3. My Boy Diving after his King! The fact that right before it Cucumber was going to save Shang Qinghua but Mobei was already there protecting him, the fact that when Shang Qinghua goes to throw himself after his King Shen Qingqiu tries to stop him but is shoved aside!

It's such a great MoShang moment

2. The Self Detonation scene. It is such a moment! It's tragic and beautiful and sad and ahhhhhh. The way it's such an act of love but it's also so deeply traumatising to Binghe. Everything about it is exquisite

1. From the extras again Airplane protecting Mobei from his uncle. The image of the ring of fire with Shang Qinghua between them. When Shang Qinghua refuses to scream as long as he can, that when he breaks Mobei Jun overcomes everything just long enough to send his Uncle flying

Oh my god I think about that scene all the time

Honourable mention: Tianlang-Jun thinking SQQ is having a threesome with Zhuzhi Lang and Luo Binghe and is just like "...fascinating..." *Scribbles in his notes*

[tmnt-oc-comp]

Round 1A OC info cards: Paris

Information: “When Draxom came up with his idea to create mutant warriors using turtles and the DNA of Lou Jitsu. Big Mama allowed what if though to cloud her head, “what if I could have a warrior as strong as Lou Jitsu for my Battle Nexus?” And “What if I could have my own turtleyboo to raise as my own. So she decided to make a deal with Draxom, she would give him Lou Jitsu from her Battle Nexus in exchange for enough mutagen to create her own mutant turtle. Draxom agreed mainly because he wanted her to leave him alone and not put up a fuss about him taking Lou Jitsu. Back at the Nexus Hotel, Big Mama used the DNA of her second best fighter in her Battle Nexus and a baby Kemp’s Ridley Sea turtle to create her very own mutant. She finds that her turtle was a girl and named her Paris based on her favorite old renaissance painting. She originally planned to create Paris with the intention for her to become a warrior who’s only purpose is to fight in her Battle Nexus, but Big Mama fell in love with her at first sight and decided to raise Paris as her child. She trained Paris in martial arts and found her a sparring partner and still treated her like a kid. When Paris got older she was interested in dance and gymnastics so Big Mama let her do it because it would make her happy and would make her fighting style a little more unique and spontaneous. Big Mama loved Paris, and Paris loved Big Mama. 

One day Paris was watching some hotel footage hoping to see some guests doing embarrassing things but instead she sees a video of four mutants turtles like her trying to catch some bugs that where loose in the hotel. As she is watching is, laughing at how terrible they are at actually catching the bugs, she sees Donatello and her heart skips a beat. Was this what people called having a crush?! She was in love. She loved how cool he looked and how smart he was and she loved doing normal teen girl stuff and fan Girling about her new crush. She new that she had to meet this guy. She ranted to her mom about how she is in love with the turtle she was in the video and Big Mama didn’t really she a problem with her having a crush on one of Draxoms lost experiment seeing as they were made from different DNA and species, they aren’t related so she didn’t care. Big Mama was just excited that Paris was excited about something that wasn’t dancing or defending her title as the Battle Nexus Champion. 

Paris has a bad habit of getting in danger that she has to fight her way out of or even just get out of from pure luck. She is a mutant so she already has to deal with people trying to catch her to figure out what she is but she is also a rare turtle breed and has to worry about poachers. She is constantly in danger when she is in the open.

She ends up meeting the other turtles in one of these, pure luck situations. One day she decides go out for a walk since the hotel can get cramped sometimes, but some poachers snuck up on her and shot her the leg causing her to fall off the building she was on and loose consciousness. When she woke up she was in a cage on a boat that was about to leave New York. Man poachers just can’t fight fair. She was ready to give up hope, she can’t break through mental bars after all and she new that they must have another sneaky trick for when they decided to take her out of the cage. It was hopeless, until she heard some familiar voices. It was the turtle that she has been hoping to run in to! Just not like this. They apparently heard that some suspicious people were hanging around the docks and decided to check it out, lucky for her. They got her out of the cage and took her back to there lair so that they could patch up her leg sense she was bleeding a lot. Paris introduced herself and became friends with the turtles, and from that day forward she hangs out with them when she has nothing better to do.”

Creator: @angelcorpse230

[letsplayballet]

alright, losing my mind about october 3rd in my persona 5 royal replay in 3, 2, 1, go!

first off, this whole thing SUCKS. hearing the vice principle talk about a dead girl and her grieving sister as "wastes of effort" is so infuriating i don't have the words. why is this school the absolute worst (but also why isn't is further out of the realm of possibility)

but onto the important bits that i missed my first run through:

starting off strong is this tasty piece of dialogue, bc that's the problem, isn't it? sumire *isn't* kasumi, even when she thinks she is. she's still anxious and unsure, still unsatisfied with herself to the point of having significant mental health issues (though sumire-as-kasumi is headed towards perfection-seeking overworked burnout, instead of her more typical major depression).

side note: the fact that maruki insists she's better off like this really shows that he thinks about pain and trauma very... shallowly? i guess would be the word? it's very surface level, instant gratification stuff. is she less actively suicidal? yeah! is she actually better? of course not! bc she is *still sumire* and still has those thought patterns and instincts that lead her to that mindset, but instead of having the tools to deal with those thoughts in a healthy manner she has an "i'm happy and perfect :)" mask that she feels she has to live up to. repression isn't healing. maruki do your fucking job challenge.

anyway.

so we get the keywords from her pep talk and a random couple, get sucked into the palace, and hunt her down to find her confronting what you THINK is her dead sister your first run, but is pretty obviously sumire herself on repeat plays:

this dialogue didn't make a lot of sense to me my first run, to the point i forgot it was there, but DAMN does it hit this time. her guilt over her sister's death, her complete inability to face it, is VERY apparent. sumire gets so upset over seeing maruki's cognitive version of her, and you really get the impression that she's not even sure *why* she's so upset. sure, it's her dead "sister", but we've already seen her brush that off pretty easily the first time we went to odiba. and given the headache she gets right after, it's pretty clear the real sumire is close to breaking out of the kasumi mask.

and when the shadow attacks the cognitive sumire, she goes down easy.

which is indicative of something maruki says in the third semester: that he thinks sumire is TOO WEAK to handle her own trauma. that the only way she can live at all, much less happily, is by being someone else entirely. that sumire *doesn't even deserve a chance to try*.

... this is NOT the post for my rant about maruki's god complex and how it undermines any "help" he's supposedly trying to offer, but these images are here just so you know it exists

luckily, sumire is able to fight back:

and i do think this is elements of the actual sumire coming through! i'm not sure if sumire's idealized version of kasumi would be fazed enough by criticism to get angry about it. and we know their promise to each other about gymnastics is important to sumire, especially as the only sister left to fill it. if i'm remembering her third semester confidant stuff right, it seems to be one of the few totally positive memories she has of her sister, even with how much pain constantly being compared to kasumi in gymnastics has brought her.

and these pieces of sumire breaking through the brainwashing are probably why she's able to awaken to a persona, even though she literally has no idea who she actually is (and thus shouldn't be able to confront her true self and get one). ESPECIALLY since her persona references the fact that she's not herself!

i did not manage to grab "if those really are the shoes you've chosen..." but that also applies, as does the fact that her hair comes down for her transformation (the way sumire wears it, instead of kasumi's ponytail) but is put back up by the end.

this got, uh. long. but the point is i love her dearly and maruki can go fuck himself.

[twentytarot]

hi everyone! squeezing in one more PAC before college starts again and this time it's just one thing you can look forward to this year. it feels like a lot of us are bracing ourselves for yet another difficult year, so i decided to come through with one that'll be at least somewhat positive! pick a stone that means something to you and scroll down for your reading~ 🐯

AQUAMARINE

my aquamarines, it looks as though you've been wanting to be a leader in some way for a while. some of you have been wanting to start a business, others of you have been eyeing a leadership position. regardless, you'll finally get there this year! now, i want to first remind you to research, research, research! you'll need to constantly update and upgrade your knowledge to stay ahead of the pack. if you have a senior in your field, which i feel most of you do, don't be afraid to go up to them to ask for guidance on how life is like as you climb this career ladder. the second thing i want to mention is imposter syndrome. you are in the right place, you have earned your right to this leadership opportunity. yes, you were not completely ready before, but that doesn't somehow make you un-ready in some weird mental gymnastics way. you have the universe's full approval to go for it and take control. the last thing is: don't feel that you owe the people you beat anything just because you beat them. it's a competition— people win and people lose. that's just how it goes. you play your cards right, you get a better outcome. one last little thing that might resonate for some of you: know that you don't have to cave to every one of your parents' requests just because you can. your ultimate happiness and peace comes first!

AMETRINE

hello, dear ametrines! this year, you're going to be handed a sword. and with this sword, you'll shatter glasses and cut off people, but i promise you it will all be for the best. you seem to be surrounded by very superficial and egotistic people, and i don't think things have been horrible with them, but brace yourself— they might be soon. in my opinion, these periods always come right after huge improvements and successes in life, because that's exactly when jealousy rears its ugly head. so i'm sorry that this isn't entirely positive, darlings, but it's something that has to happen, and you're going to be much stronger and clearer because of it. you'll see things and people for what and who they are, you're ready to ditch the crutches. you may take some time this year to rehash things you thought you were over and re-heal from them. and there's no shame in that at all! sometimes we go back and realise we were more hurt than we were ready to realise back then. point is, you're becoming much more aware and clear about the world around you, and that's a great thing.

you'll also have more clarity in terms of your spirituality. you'll be learning loads about what works and doesn't for you in terms of rituals, habits, and so on. your intuition will be crystal clear and sharp at the end of this!

and if you remember nothing else from this reading, then when you're staring at the shattered wine goblets, i hope you remember and trust me when i say they were all filled with poison anyway.

PERIDOT

hi, my peridot friends! this year, you can look forward to some companionship. i'm getting a hard-to-love vibe from this group, maybe it's hard for you to make many friends, maybe you lost a couple last year, or maybe you let someone who was just a little more get away. maybe you're like me! all my friends are going overseas on their exchange programmes this year, and most of them won't be back until we all graduate. regardless, the year does start off a little lonelier and quieter than you would have preferred. it won't be this way for too long, though, because the tables have been a little unfairly not in your favour for a while now, and they're about to spin the other way and become unfairly in your favour. i'm seeing one really stable friend, at the very least. it's probably a libra, but if you're venus dominant then it'd be a mercurian. anyway, if you're single then i know what you're thinking... is this love?? unfortunately, i don't have a straight answer to this. for the better part of the year this person is a friend, but the cards are not ruling out romance per se. i would suggest leaving ulterior motives at the door for this one, but i don't think you really need that warning. you're probably someone who already takes all types of relationships slowly and carefully anyway. regardless, i don't think you'll be scrambling for more, because i see you being very fulfilled by this new connection and just thankful that you're not as alone as you were bracing yourself to be after everything that happened with that person that tampered with your heart. take your chances and believe in your worth!

ROSE QUARTZ

okay, there's definitely a burdensome connection over here. i can see it being a partner, co-worker or boss. it seems that whatever heart you've been putting into this has been ignored because of how result-oriented the other end of this connection is. and yeah, results are important, but we can definitely spare 30 seconds to acknowledge effort and ask "how did everything go?" instead of... whatever the hell is going on right now.

sometime this year you lose your patience. and it's kinda sad, because i think at one point you thought this was a match made in heaven. you were excited to be with or work with this person, but it just didn't go the way you hoped. and everything is stable, and the cogs are turning fine, sure, but what happened to feelings, really? why should you be feeling so empty and discontented with life? i see an ultimatum here— you're done waiting so either this person does better (whether that's connecting better with you or just a pay rise lol), or you walk. it will be different outcomes for different people, but you will get the best out of this situation, and that's what you should look forward to! you haven't been properly valued for a while now, so you're getting what you deserve this year. this journey will lead you to realise what it is that makes you truly happy, and it will help you protect your ego and heart better. stay strong, upgrades are on the horizon!

[dendrite-blues]

For a relatively short exchange, this scene is jam packed with characterization for Loki. 

It’s also our first reliable look into what Loki was like before Thor 1. Not as described by others, but first hand and from his own mouth. I think that deserves a closer look, to see what we can learn about Loki and how he thinks.

This scene is significant because it tells us what Loki’s personality is like when he’s not running for his life. It tells us who he was before his trauma and what his core beliefs are underneath those layers of humor and bravado.

Better yet, since he’s alone we can assume that every line in this scene is presumably true, or at least Loki believes it to be true since he has no audience but himself. 

The dialogue centers mostly around the statement “You deserve to be alone, and you always will be.” I’m not going to focus too much on the “alone” motif since I already dedicated an entire meta post to it.

What I think is more interesting about this scene is actually the looping, and the stages Loki goes through in trying to deal with it. There’s a lot of really interesting character traits on display in that progression.

Loop 1: A Warm Bath and Glass of Wine

The first loop entails Sif lecturing Loki about cutting her hair, kicking him in the balls, and storming away. Loki kneels on the floor and he gives us this great line:

“A bad memory prison? How quaint. Some punishment. I remember exactly what I did after that. I went and had a nice, hot bath and a glass of wine, and I never thought about it again. Because it was just a bit of fun.”

So we can take this to be Loki’s default reaction to pain and criticism. When put into an unexpected conflict without any forethought or outside influence, this is what he says/does.

1) Downplay the damage/threat. How quaint. 2) Dispel/soothe the emotion. Nice hot bath. 3) Minimize the impact. Never thought about it again. 4) Deflect responsibility. Just a bit of fun.

Keep those in mind as we move forward, since we’ll be using them to make sense of what else Loki says in this scene.

Loops 2 and 3: Okay, Sif, Hang On

This bit is about Loki realizing just how bad his predicament is.

L: Okay. Okay, Sif. Hang on. S: No, you hear this. You deserve to be alone... And I always will be. L: Alright, I get it. Listen. You are a reconstruction of a past event created by the organization that controls all of time. So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah? S: Pathetic. (she kicks him again) L: (winces and groans)

As we all would expect from him, Loki’s first impulse is to try and talk his way out of it. What he says to achieve that goal is pretty revealing though. Because he doesn’t try to ease Sif’s upset by apologizing or explaining or offering to magic her hair back. 

Any of these would have been more likely to save his nads in the given circumstance, right? The present threat is Sif, and she’s mad about what Loki did to her hair. But Loki doesn’t really see that. Rather, he treats her as a means to an end.

“So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah?”

To me, that choice reveals something of a blind spot Loki has to the feelings of others. Even if he doesn’t actively like hurting people, he does prioritize their problems below his, and quite shamelessly. And at least on his first impulse, he doesn’t seem to feel much remorse or empathy for them.

Usually in fanon we attribute this callousness to his trauma. He’s learned that no one can be trusted and no one cares, and so he doesn’t allow himself to care for others. 

But between his Loop 1 sentiment of “It was just a bit of fun” for an event which caused real hurt to Sif, and his Loop 2/3 behavior of “you, stop being mad and help ME” I think it’s reasonable to say that selfishness/low empathy are traits Loki possessed pre-trauma.

Loop 4-????: Happens Off Screen

It’s unclear how many times Loki loops while the camera is following Mobius, but the implication is clear that it was been many, many repetitions. Somewhere in this his denial and deflection must break, because we come back to a much humbler, more pleading Loki.

The Final Loop: I Crave Attention

S: You conniving, craven... L: Sif. Sif. S: ...pathetic worm. L: Please, please, no more. Please, I beg you. I'm a horrible person. I get it. I really am. I cut off your hair because I thought it'd be funny. And it's not. Uh... I crave attention... because I'm... a narcissist. And I suppose it's... It's because I'm scared of being alone.

HOOO BOY, so this is quite a tough bit to analyze. There’s a lot of interpretations you could make, and a lot of topics to delve into. For the sake of focus, I’m going to ignore the narcissism question. That one really needs an entire post, and I want to focus on something else here.

That being, Loki’s way of processing conflict/punishment.

I’ve always found it strange how Loki takes such pride in being called a liar and cheat when he simultaneously has this chip on his shoulder about how nobody likes him. 

Those two traits don’t seem to play well together, and I always scratched my head over how they coexist in his character. If he wants people to be nicer to him, maybe he should stop antagonizing them? Yeah?

Well, here we’re finally given a clear reason. Loki craves attention, he hates being alone. So how does he avoid it? Pranks and mischief. 

Fair enough.

But then, if all his pranks lead to this outcome--outrage, retaliation, insult--why doesn’t he ever learn? How is it that after 1000 years of this behavior, he hasn’t found a better way to get the attention he craves? 

Loop 1: Downplay, dispel, minimize, deflect. He accepts zero accountability for the impact of his actions, and doesn’t think at all about how they affect other people. Just a bit of fun. I had a hot bath and a glass of wine, and never thought about it again. 

The only reason he reaches the level of self awareness on display in the Final Loop is because the looping forces him to contemplate his actions and the impulses within him that lead to that behavior.

This is projection on my part, but to me he acts as though this kind of deep reflection is a new thing for him. He sounds like someone sharing a revelation that he’s just had about himself. We’re being shown that Loki is a man of action. He will always move forward if he can, possibly because looking back to so painful that he can’t bring himself to do it.

Circling back around to the pride Loki has for his knavery, let’s suppose that he’s been on this negative reinforcement cycle since childhood. He’s always acted out to get attention, then received retaliation and insults for it, and then pushed the bad feelings out of his mind with creature comforts and mental gymnastics.

What happens over time, when you’re being constantly told that you’re a pain in the ass and no one likes you? Most of us would take it to heart, but Loki doesn’t. He has a big ego, big enough to resist that constant barrage of hate coming at him.

So how does he marry these two conflicting realities? 

He turns it into an identity, the God of Mischief. 

In his head, Loki excuses himself of blame by shifting the culpability to his moniker. It’s not that he’s immature and petty, he’s just a “trickster.” It’s in his nature to cause trouble, so he can’t help it. You wouldn’t dangle a steak in front of a tiger and blame the tiger for striking, would you? And if other people can’t take a “joke” then that’s not his fault, that’s on them for not having a sense of humor. It was just a bit of fun.

Here we see the union of these two halves of Loki, the lonely ice runt and the mischievous scamp. (And a little bit of the original Loki who Thor accused of being incapable of growth!) 

By refusing to think about others, and excusing himself from responsibility, Loki successfully preserves his self worth and insulates himself to most of the negative emotions he experiences.

Pain, embarrassment, and grief aren’t pointless emotions though. They are vital feelings that serve to regulate our behavior, and that push us to conform to the ways of our social circles. Without them, we annoy and upset others. Be annoying for long enough and you will eventually find yourself, well, alone. As Loki is.

Thus “Mischief” is a self-defeating loop, and Loki is just as caught in it as the cell Mobius trapped him in.

In order to be free of both traps, Loki has to stop running. He has to take a deeper look at himself and realize how much he is getting in his own way. The entire scene is one big parallel between these two “loops.” Pretty neat, huh?

Sadly these kinds of thought loops are really difficult to break, they’re buried so deeply in our personalities and habits that we usually don’t notice them until life forces us to address them.

The cell is Loki’s wake up call, and thankfully he does seem to rise to the occasion. He tells Sif quite clearly what his problem is, and he does it with beautiful, painful honesty.

Which is why it’s so fucking awesome for Mobius to acknowledge that, and to finally give Loki a taste of positive attention. 

You don’t deserve to be alone. I believe you can be anything, even something good. Whatever you two did, it was powerful enough to bring this whole place down.

It’s a beautiful scene. Well written, meticulously acted. The clarity of vision in the pacing and shot selection, it’s really something special.

[thepringlesofblood]

Flinging My Opinions Out Into The Feed Vol. 4: Network Effect

this fuckin novel is 104K (ish) words long. I read it in like 3 days.

i haven’t ripped through a book like that since grade school. holy fuck. murderbot has awakened the hungry book-eating autistic dragon within me from its long slumber. hopefully I can sate it with some of my class readings. also I always listen to the audiobook after reading the book book which is easier bc as a college student I walk everywhere and have lots of listening time.

anyway. I have so so so so many thoughts. this one long so thoughts under the cut (mega spoilers for NE obviously)

I’m splitting this up into a few sections bc this was a longass book and i have a lot of thoughts to organize

General Shit

for whatever fucking reason, I’ve always read ART as having Aziraphale Goodomens’ voice in my head, and I figured that would probably change with time as I got to know it, but it hasn’t! the more of an asshole it is the more it sounds like Aziraphale’s Bastard™ Voice! the more caring it is the more Soft™ it sounds! Why does this happen to me?!

I’ll probably attempt an actual analysis of this after I’m done with the whole series (only one book away what tf???), since the only thing I like more than writing mb meta is writing good omens meta

related: I imagine Kevin R Free reading AC like ‘aw sick we got a real HAL9000 here w art I’m gonna go full robot monotone’ then hitting network effect and realizing he now has to make this beepboop motherfucker sound sensitive and sad and scared and parental and going FUCK!

He really crushed it though big props for that

so many new children to adopt!!!! my family has grown so big!!!

I don’t mean 2.0 bc a. it’s specifically described as not a baby and b. like it’s just mb and while mb is still my child, by now it’s like a few years out of college - a little directionless but self-sufficient with a support network.

However, I have adopted the following:

Amena

you now have one more parent, bringing the count up to 5! (mensah, fari, tano, mb)

collect them all and you get a decoder ring!

Three

holy shit they kinda glossed over you at the end there but you are STYLIN’

not to be like called it but i knew mb was going to eventually just free some guy(s) and then not know what to do with them

i will protect it, i want to see it grow up big and strong

maybe my favorite end-of-the-book mb bot interaction thus far!

I have synesthesia (letters/numbers/words have color, texture, personality, etc.) and the number 3 is like, red/magenta/fuschia and kind of round and shiny and has strong “femme fatale in a film noir” energy so the name is really, really fucking me up bc obviously that’s not AT ALL how I think of Three (the SecUnit) as a character!

I already had a picture of it in my head from our first meeting with it and then it got named “Three” and my brain had to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to make it fit

it just throws the name “murderbot” around bc it doesn’t know any better and i can’t WAIT to see that fallout

Iris

“prove you’re Peri’s SecUnit - show me your face” *shoots a gigantic fucking robot to save her dad* ICONIC we LOVE her

+me gives her 4 parents (martyn, seth, ART) so she doesn’t get the decoder ring but she’s in the running!

This was easily the most suspenseful book yet, and the closest the mb series has come to straight-up horror.

I’m an anxious, jumpy person by nature - close a door too loud and I’ll jump 3 feet in the air. So the whole scene with the crystalized body I was just constantly tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it took me a While to get exactly what was going on, and props to Martha Wells for the mystery bc it was beautifully crafted, so tbh I figured everything out just when it fuckin moved.

I’m sure if I was holding a physical book, I would’ve yeeted it right across the room. I’m just glad my laptop wasn’t on my lap!

It’s also the closest Wells’ writing has come to actually losing my understanding with technobabble. Usually the way it’s written, things just sort of...make sense, without you having to stop and work through it.

I feel like maybe it’s not talked about as much bc it’s so subtly done, but this series is constantly introducing new technology, new ways mb can hack and interact with the feed and new AIs that exist and their levels of sentience and how x aspect of life works with this advanced tech and it has always just slid into place for me. It’s one of Wells’ real assets as a writer - she can introduce a bajillion new technological things and the way she writes it through mb’s eyes just makes it intuitively understandable

it’s at least partially due to consistent worldbuilding and naming conventions. mb just calls things what they are, and makes it obvious when designating a title to something. there’s not multiple words for the same thing - wells successfully eradicates any “the blond man” or “the taller of the two” shit like you see in bad fanfiction.

it also helps that mb thinks of ai as people, kind of. It cuts down on thinking about the specific operations mb is performing with all these dang hacks bc it reads as a social interaction (though I’m sure the idea would be abhorrent to it lol).

instead of just “I did X” you get “I hacked XSys and asked it to do X", so if you don’t know what X is, you get clues from how mb interacts with it, and now you know who/what XSys is, so any reference to it and its function and any time it does something in the future, you get more context on it and it kind of reads as character development

where I started to get confused was figuring out a. exactly what 2.0 was doing and how it operated, and b. how the pre-CR Central system operated and how it infected the colonists.

a is mostly bc of the jarring shift into 2.0′s POV (which is a WILD sort of plot twist hell yeah) and bc 2.0 talks like mb 1.0 but is able to do very different things and that it exists as killware. it makes sense though and while it took me a bit, I was able to put it together.

and whole e shit wells thats an existential crisis i wasnt expecting to have.

b. is probably bc I’ve had 4 books to get used to exactly how CR (post-CR? during CR?) tech works and it took me a sec to shift my way of thinking

but when I got there? holy shit, that’s TERRIFYING, and so clever!!!!! relistening to the audiobook holy shit wells really stayed up too late watching The Thing and got scared and went hmmm I can use this fear and she was RIGHT

i cannot stress the SUSPENSE enough. the fucked up timeline. the POV switches. the helpme files. the mystery of the alien remnants. FUCK.

speaking of. 2.0

in a previous post i said something about how weird it was in exit strategy that mb kept talking about what counts as “winning”?

its death. it convinces 1.0 by saying “this is how I win”

fuck

and also some real tangible ptsd consequences: mb 1.0 hesitated bc of the flashback to miki. fuck.

I really appreciated how in ES we honed in on one sub-group of the PresAux gang (Pin-Lee, Gurathin, Ratthi), and in this one we switched it up a bit (Arada, Overse, Ratthi again bc he’s a likeable guy) and added in some of Mensah’s family, including...

ooooh Thiago. bow howdy do I have complex feelings on this motherfucker.

On the one hand I get it. this company-made robot person just drops into your family and has your sister in-law’s complete trust for some reason. I get being a lil hesitant. and he does really follow up on it and try to make it work. on the other hand he did mega piss me off for like the 1st half of the book, mostly for how he treated Mensah.

deadass? I fuckin WISH I had a SecUnit friend to come get me out of social situations I don’t want to be in. good call Mensah. but she shouldn’t’ve had to do it in the first place, man, give her space

the weird lil interrogation he does w mb onboard art is really what pissed me off. he’s so clearly in the wrong not just bc his information is inaccurate (about the assassination attempts n shit) but bc he doesn’t LISTEN TO MENSAH and take her needs and agency seriously.

sidenote: art intervening in this conversation was actually amazing. it was really like ‘mb stop spilling mensah’s beans thiago shut the fuck up and go to sleep im disappointed in both of you’

he does go to apologize to her at the end though and isn’t an idiot, so he gets those points.

he is kind of shit at both security and more importantly listening to and trusting mb’s expertise but we can forgive

the differentiation mb makes in its thought processes at the beginning b/w ‘another innocent brand new naive secunit who needs help adjusting to human society’ and ‘me’

mb keeps going ‘mensah’s family would have liked me if I was ____ but I was me’

completely disregarding that mensah’s family does like it by and large

theres some interesting ethical implications there too - mb thinks mensah’s family wants a blank slate of a person to project a personality onto, and that the issue is that mb is very much already a personality, its just a grumpy weird lil guy

also mad foreshadowing for three

the way SecUnit and Amena really meet for the first time basically? priceless.

amena pov: you’re on your way home drunk with a guy you hope to sleep with, and he turns on the lights at his place and there’s your second mom’s weird new friend(?) just standing in the middle of the room, resting bitch face, wearing all black, who scares the guy out of his fuckin mind simply by existing (mb doesn’t even say anything in this scene!!! it just stands there and waits for amena to turn and leave, then follows her!). on the way home it lists all the reasons that guy was almost certainly a rapist. you don’t want to seem stupid so you put up a bit of a fight but you feel its cut-the-bullshit eyes on you and it sucks. also, it’s basically a living security camera and you know it’s going to snitch on you, no matter what it says.

mb pov: nah nah sister you’re not takin her to a secondary location

jokes aside I really like how deadpan mb is about the whole thing. maybe that’s the wrong word but like. it’s not made a big deal of? like, there’s no sort of pearl-clutching, there’s no asking for it or victim-blaming shit, there’s no difference from any other kind of potential harm. it just goes “this is a threat. I am going to eliminate that threat.” like it would for anything else. mb analyzes the guy the same way it would any potential hostile. it doesn’t treat sexual assault as a rare occurrence or something special and weird, just goes “don’t trust this fucker, will stop him from harming my client(’s daughter)”

“If there’s one thing I understand it’s the difference bw proprietary and non-proprietary data” So, mb pretends to not know privacy boundaries sometimes but knows this one. Huh.

“Teammate”

damn for anyone else that’d be an understatement but like. mb explaining that mensah was the first person it’d been on equal footing with? that it’d been on a team with? it makes sense. ow. 

this is the book that really hammered it home for me that most futuristic/sci fi books are either utopia or dystopia but Wells did both. and even better are the interactions!!! You have horrific dystopian Corporation Rim, and beautiful utopian Preservation, and the interplay between the two and the privileges and disadvantages both sides have and the grey space in between...it’s amazing.

Even better, she made a dystopia with limits - gender, sexuality, race are just never an issue. i feel like with so many people when they have anachronistic worldbuilding in their stories, they feel like they have to make up new versions of racism and sexism and homophobia but Wells just went no, my dystopia is bad bc of capitalism, and I wanna focus on that. the world is open and accepting for real-world identities, regardless of whether you’re talking about fucking contract slavery or music festivals.

in the end.....mb finally knows what it wants. fuck. i’m gonna start crying. that’s a whole series dilemma right there, an essential part of its development and arc, something we revisit at the end of every book.  when it said ‘i know what i want’ i almost burst into tears

The Intricate Rituals (aka murderbot and art’s “relationship”)

this book was so so choice for examining what they mean to each other boy howdy

i wanna be clear - don’t clown around on my post w romantic interpretations and slash w these two weirdos. mb v clearly is not down for that kind of shit. relationships don’t have to be romantic or sexual to be meaningful and complex.

goddamn the ARC they went through??? from grief to anger and betrayal to working together and rebuilding trust to a genuinely beautiful friendship to creating 2.0 to the fucking threat of bombing a colony to some of the best comfort in a hurt/comfort setup i’ve ever seen to art inviting mb to stay???? fuck me.

highlights

during mb and art’s fight, Arada and Ratthi are both trying to be like John mulaneys bit about Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions okokokokokokokok

mb really knows how to pull a ‘no talk to me im angy’ and honestly the mental picture of the rest of the crew not seeing the almost imperceptible ways art is communicating w mb and then seeing mb blow up in return is hilarious.

“mutual administrative assistance” fuck me running thats good

mb knowing art well enough that when it needs to get its full unbridled compliance it pulls “you’re upsetting amena” like daaamn

mb reassuring art about its crew….. can we call “the first thing I checked for when i got onboard your empty corpse was if your crews dead bodies could be anywhere” a love language?

art having no qualms about blurting shit out to amena since Teacher Mode Activated and mb hating it? hilarious dynamic. i also love mb and art both being good with kids but in completely different ways.

Ratthi, mr. extrovert relationship specialist, trying desperately to parse mb and art and all THEIR drama is hilarious!!!! like, they communicate so quickly and complexly that whenever someone else tries to figure out what the fuck is going on it just doesn’t work

art trying to get mb to go to the meeting w leonide as an augmented human not a secunit because “you don’t like it” ahhhh im soft

Maybe it’s just me but mb loving the clothes art made it is adorable. It has all the stuff mb likes. It’s such a subtle thing you might not even notice it but across the series whenever mb describes clothes it has to wear it’s very specific about what it looks for, and art ticked all the boxes (lots of sealable pockets, strong/deflection fabric, sturdy ass boots, comfortable and easy to move in) 

and THEN, when mb 1.0 curls up to die under the agri bot and notices the clothes art made it protecting it in its last moments of consciousness? Poetic cinema

Art’s bedside manner is like. Surprisingly thoughtful and loving. at the end it fucking. made a lil quarantine box and ‘separated part of its consciousness’ to it and played tv so mb wouldn’t be alone and idk im weak for this kind of thing but art caring for mb the way it deserves to be cared for is just. mmmm

Ik it’s been said a million times but art going “oh god my bff’s Important Person is coming aboard I gotta clean I gotta clean” when mensah shows up is priceless

one of many all time fav quotes: “Art did know everything. It was so annoying”

Big Neurodivergent Vibes

i’m sure someone’s said it before but art and mb watching media together? parallel play, aka doing the same/similar activities in the same area/feedspace without talking or interacting too often. like cats.

mb helping art work through its memory shit after actively antagonizing it is heartwarming - especially after they find out its personal memory was altered and art is just. Silent? in the group chat for a while and mb speaks for it? Art’s not here rn can I take a message? Beautiful. Big neurodivergent mood. talking for ur friend who can’t talk rn is nd to nd communication.

also, i don’t know how i missed it before but the clear division of subjective and objective time, and getting fucked up by it sometimes? in previous books it’s just been for emphasis, but in NE it actually affects things.

*mb facing the wall in order to talk to three* SecUnit to SecUnit conversation

ADHD solidarity - playing worldhoppers in the background to take up processing space while you work on important shit

i can’t believe i didn’t put this together sooner - special interest: soap operas media, sanctuary moon in particular

controversial opinion? mb is really empathetic. ppl have probably made the case for mb having a sort of low empathy situation going on but like if you look at its actions it feels other’s feelings and cares so so much. like, looking at how it responds when art’s dead, when it’s trying to help the contract laborers, when it’s trying to help its crew, when it’s trying to help art’s crew? it has had to deaden itself out of necessity but the emotions are still very much there. tbh this might be me projecting my sympathy for having sudden, intense, hard-to-identify emotions and being more “sensitive” to loved ones getting hurt than anticipated, but also like. think of all the times it’s like “fuck, im having an emotional reaction to this. I wasn’t expecting that.” idk if we can call that hyperempathy but like. it’s sure something.

alexithymia is a thing where its hard for you to identify your emotions. its really common in nd people. need i say more? mb never knows what the fuck its feeling

Beautiful Representation (mostly queer)

CASUAL THEY/THEM REP YESSSSSSSS and not just like one either!!!! Mihail, Matteo, Turi, a whole bunch of em!!! ahhhhhhh

Lesbian love is stored in the “babe” - legit 90% of overse and arada’s dialogue is just “hey babe” “babe” and you know what? that’s valid. i love it and i love them. 

ik you could say The Feed is kind of a catchall deus ex machina for some things but i do not care! especially when it comes to just storing your gender info somewhere everyone can see and acknowledge and you don’t have to do shit about it!

some fun feed designations I noticed

Arada is “female/femme”

Leonide is “female/femme-neutral”

none of the feed designations include pronouns, but mb just knows them and uses them intuitively anyway. maybe it’s stored in a different part of the feed? like translation/language module? idk but im happy

mb noted at one point that “most” humans have “medium brown” skin tones - transcendent, one of my favorite things about this series is that skin tone is mentioned in the initial description of almost everyone mb meets, and its almost never just “white” - plus, its never given like. more attention than its due, or weird food comparisons.

it also briefly mentions Preservation having accommodations for mobility aids at the big festival/concert, and having a designated quiet area. i just. it’s so good.

The Fainting Couch

Explanation

bc mb is so emotionally constipated, any time that any emotion is expressed it takes me the tf out and I feel like a lady in a victorian novel retiring to my fainting couch to die from breathing too hard.

it’s like that moment in Pride and Prejudice (2005) where mr darcy helps lizzie get into the carriage and for a brief moment their hands touch and they spend a whole camera shot on it and its A BIG DEAL even though its not a ‘big deal’

there was definitely a post that made me connect these two things but i do not remember exactly when i saw it.

so this is a list of times where i was taken the fuck out by the EMOTION of it all!

it’s my friend. it helped me because it wanted to, because it could

fuck, the entire section of time b/w mb getting aboard art and art coming back is excruciating, it’s littered with all sorts of grieving inner dialogue, culminating in...

“my friend is dead!”

owwwwww the grief hurts and even more so, the later 180° from grief to betrayal hurts

mb repeatedly referring to the PresAux gang as “my humans” 😩

The Entire “ART meets PresAux after re-establishing control of the ship” scene

like mb is in such a vulnerable position in so many ways that it wants to reassert control however it can and also it’s right, and these two parts of its world are colliding and the PresAux gang have private information about it that ART doesn’t have and vice versa and it’s so desperate to keep them from sharing it but it doesn’t have a choice

The fucking convo bw mb on the med platform and art and the crew all getting to know each other and the anger and betrayal and comfort and EMOTION!!!!! Fuck me!!!!

also ngl i was also p mad when I realized art did in fact cause some problems on purpose

highlighted quotes:

trusted friend

ow my fucking heart

I did what I had to do, you should understand that

“I’m not talking to you on the feed! You’re not my client and you’re not my-“

OW BITCH OW CALL 911 IM ON THE FLOOR

“Art? You’re scaring Amena. You’re scaring me.”

My heart…… and the realization that art hadn’t been plotting and planning but was just scared and wanted a Trusted Friend?

“And it hit me then that ART had been desperate and terrified since the moment the Barrish-Estranza ship had sidled up and done whatever it had done. It had tricked its captors into taking it to me not because it had some kind of grand strategy but because it needed me” OWWW

The apologies? The LOVE???? Bitch I’m crying.

“I’ve lost my crew. I won’t lose you”

i spent a solid 24 hrs thinking about this quote before picking up the book again

“I just really like you. Not in a weird way.”

aahhhhhhhhh

i didn’t know there was a WHOLE ASS OTHER PERSON there for this though!!!

Senior Indah Saw Things that day, goddamn.

also I love that after saying “I like you too” the first thing Mensah does is say “get this secunit to medical immediately” bc like the implication of “if its saying this kind of shit its gotta be really injured” like it’s continuing the conversation from before but like its still funny

like this was in response to mensah saying ‘go to medical’ basically and i feel like it’s bc someone else cares about its wellbeing for its own sake, not just for its capabilities, and it’s just. so many.

“They’re sleeping, I told myself. 2.0 and Central wouldn’t feel a thing”

FUCK

in case you don’t recognize this. its from. when 2.0 and central and targetControlSystem all get stuck in the star thing and mb 1.0 has to destroy it and kill them and it tells itself it won’t hurt them, it’ll be like they’re sleeping, and i fucking SOBBED

like 2.0 we barely knew ye but also wells you HAD to spend the past chapter or so having 2.0 endearingly bouncing around 1.0′s mind just so we don’t forget its a person fuck fuck fuck

the whole final chunk of conversations is just one hit quote after another

“You made me sound….safe”

and then art understanding and addressing the concern and art knowing and accepting what murderbot is, in its entirety, because its never not known.

“No one had ever rescued me before”

“I don’t want to not see you again”

“But I like being with ART. I want to keep being with it” FUCK IM ALREADY ON MY FAINTING COUCH DUDE GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR

Little Things

Mb uses the same words for everyone regardless of gender. “Marital partner” “offspring” “child”

we only spent a few minutes with her but I love Farai. she just casually goes “hey uh mb what’s your relationship situation with my wife” and mb goes NO and she’s like understandable have a nice day

I understand now that post about how some people just sort of get Assigned British Accent At Audiobook and I was very surprised that it was just Amena and not Thiago. also, idk why, but whenever I imagine Amena she looks like Shuri from black panther

Ratthi going from “I’ll apologize to it” (ASR)  to “secunit is a very private person. It doesn’t like to talk about its feelings” and “I could hear Ratthi telling them to drop the subject” u know what that is? Growth!

Thiago being worried about secunit giving amena Designated Drone Babysitters and ratthi being like no lol that’s how it shows affection

the gang finding the secunit killed by its governor module and just talking about how terrible that is right in front of mb recovering from the trauma of having one???? like come on guys thiago has an excuse he’s a bit of a dick but stop looking at this corpse that could’ve easily been mb’s if it didn’t hack itself and talking about how horrifying it is to you, it fucking knows!!!! like how fucking insensitive can you be??

but also i do appreciate that presaux still fucks up and doesn’t get everything right all the time it’s realistic

at some point in the middle when basically everyone is on art and having like a video conference about their plans, amena is with mb and has marked herself as “private” or something so she doesnt have to participate and is eating “imitative vegetable fragments” or something and basically i realized

she’s watching the drama goin on in the zoom meet w/ camera and mic off eating popcorn.

icon

Mb: wow humans sure are stupid im glad I’m good at threat assessment Also mb: *does all the wrong things in a horror movie when it finds The Control Room, giving me 7 discrete heart attacks*

I love my new child three, but i’d like it a lot more if wells didn’t keep switching POVs to it right when climactic things happen to mb 1.0

Mb detaching it’s own fucking hand to get out of restraints? Iconic

The Gang: art are u sure you can convincingly pretend to be evil? Art: oh don’t worry about it ;) 😘🤫

sidenote: Art is the biggest drama queen in the galaxy. all that media gave it so many theater-kid tendencies. including the homicidal ones. holy shit.

“There’s a lot about this that I don’t understand but I am participating anyway” #relatable i love three so much

mb realizing it’s kind of a damsel being rescued by three during the escape and being vaguely annoyed but also completely fine with it is the kind of energy I need in my life 

Thiago keeps calling Amena “my daughter” but she repeatedly calls him “uncle” and i don’t know if its just language difference or what but like e.g.

“My daughter, are you sure you’ll be alright with a corporate-” “I’LL BE FINE UNCLE”

ohhh he got UNCLE-ZONED

speaking of, “Ok third mom” AAAHHHHH

“I am here against my will and you are going to regret that” new catchphrase dropped

i was right! there was a “wait a second secunit is shorter now??” bit!!! rip arada who was like yeah ur hairs a little different and mb replies with “I also got shorter”

Ik it’s a really serious situation n shit but imagining mb 1.0 staggering around a giant warehouse fighting with the knock-off copy of itself it made in its head is fucking HILARIOUS

(at the end of the book)

ART - oh ya I definitely already sent a distress signal through the wormhole like a month ago

Everyone: FUCK YOU 

Kevin R Free Callouts

this guy does an amazing job with this book. ive said it before ill say it again - the man’s an artist.

he does pronounce things weird sometimes though. this is a comprehensive list of pronunciation crimes thus far.

Buoy

KRF: BOY

me: BOO-ee

Capsule

KRF: CAP-syew-wool

me: CAP-sull

Thiago

KRF: tee-AH-go

me: thee-AH-go

(i also do this with thalia though and some people pronounce ‘thalia’ ‘taw-lee-ah’ not ‘tha-lee-ah’ so maybe its me?)

Overse

KRF: OH-ver-say

me: OH-verse

(same disclaimer as above - i’ve never met anyone with this name and maybe krf has)

and by far, the most grievous

Holo

KRF: HOE-low (long o, like “odor” or “most”)

me: HAW-low (short o, o like “coffee” or “job” or “hologram”)

now i am going call out some compliments bc he is a great voice actor

I loved his take on the Targets’ voices, it was so creepy and reminded me of Night Vale Kevin

the difference in mb’s and three’s narration was distinct and consistent and easy to tell apart - I like three’s lil bird voice!

there were a lot of fucking voices to do this time around and i’m frankly amazed he kept em all straight, big props.

there were a lot of emotionally charged moments for mb here and he fuckin nailed them. i was in public while listening to some of the ending shit and I wish I had a fuckin opaque faceplate to keep my expression under control!

sorry this was so ludicrously long, but its a ludicrously long book. like, the ASR audiobook is about 3 hours, NE is 13 hours

fuck i cant wait to finish the series i’ll miss reading new ones but i will sink into the pool of fan content like a hot tub

[serene-victory-77]

Why The Crows Being Teenagers Is Actually Perfectly Realistic

There’s a TL;DR are the end because wow I like to rant.

I lightly discuss the general situations they’re all in to explore how they are frighteningly mature and competent, but it’s not particularly depressing or descriptive, it’s definitely lighter than the books

I thought about this post with a joke first: “People who think that Six of Crows is unrealistic because they’re so young clearly have not spent much time with traumatized honors students.”

It’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the point stands.

But I decided that, hm, actually, I could make a point about this. I totally agree with the aging up of the characters in the Shadow and Bone show, but when people straight up say that the books are wrong or unrealistic for having a young crew, I get annoyed, and here’s why (other than me reading the books for the first time when I was 13 and thinking ‘Huh okay, I see it’ and now being lowkey offended when people say they ignore it for being unrealistic):

On Inej

- At first I thought Inej’s wisdom and general demeanor was one of the most unrealistic things in the book

- When I thought about it longer, I was like “Actually, she’s 16, right? I’ve sent some of the most lyrical philosophy trying to help my friends while in high school. My friends have done the same. It’s valid.”

- Frankly, teenagers love hard-hitting philosophical truths. They love repeating what they’ve read or heard in movies and in books and from family stories. They love sharing little bits of wisdom they have come up with

- Inej’s ability to hear and understand philosophy and wisdom that she was surrounded by for 14 straight years and then sit on it and elaborate it for her friends to understand, or even just to piss them off in Kaz’s case? 

- Teenagers have that. They do it. So, Inej’s Wisdom passes, to me. It’s valid. 

As for her being calm

- You know how everyone jokes that Kaz seems calm on the outside but when you get to his POV he’s like “What the fuck” at the Van Eck house or just straight up “Huh, is this revenge for making tree jokes” at the Djel River thingy in the Ice Court?

- Inej is like that, too. And she gets angry, and she gets confused, or exhausted.

- AKA every quiet kid ever. Like, are you kidding? Have you ever been in a situation in which it’s literally chaos all around you, people are screaming and things are being destroyed (think middle school classroom with bitchy long term substitute and even worse students), and you’re just, calm? You pick up your things, you do what you need to do?

- That’s Inej. Like, what else is she gonna do? She’s smart enough to know that panicking won’t help anyone, and so she just rides it out. Internally she might be like “Why is this happening” but frankly, her being quiet and controlled in most situations is probably a coping mechanism and I respect that

- Pretty sure this is also based on the fact that the Suli have no land for their own and constantly have to keep moving. It might align with generational trauma, I’m sure someone could explain it better than me, but being able to keep your cool while constantly having to change and adapt to new situations, in, say, a country with hellfire politics and no land to call your own? Seems like a hereditary trait that could be useful in Ketterdam, although it’s sad.

On Inej’s abilities

- Simone Biles started training when she was 6 and went to the World Artistic Gymnastics Championships when she was 16, where she qualified in all the events. 

- There are videos of people walking over tightropes as young as three years old. We know Inej didn’t start that young, but not only was she naturally talented at it, but she spent a lot of time practicing. I think it’s valid. Plus, some of her family members do some pretty crazy things in her flashbacks, because that’s the whole point of what they do. 

- Youngest person to beat American Ninja Warrior was 16 year old Vance Walker

- Inej has a variety of of tools that help her wall climb, and while it’s true that she started young and got good really fast, she already had a history of physical work that would help her, and from what we can gleam from the book, a surprising amount of free time in which she was actively encouraged to learn everything she could. 

So that’s Inej! I think her skills are perfectly possible for someone with her history and situation. It’s true that she’s naturally skilled, but that’s not actually all that unusual. And her demeanor and wisdom do fit in with what a lot of teenagers are like and the circumstances she was brought up in

Onto Kaz!

- One thing I hear about is that Kaz is too smart for not having gone to school and also too young to know all that he does

- Do you all KNOW how many self-taught people there have been in this world? The word for people who are self-taught is autodidacts, and honestly a huge amount of famous people apply. Like many, many other people in history (there’s a whole list of them in Wikipedia), he had an vested interest in a field and he learned all he could. Sure, those fields were magic tricks and math, but still.

- Suddenly I have a lot of thoughts

- Okay, think, hyperfixations. That’s essentially what Kaz’s thing with magic tricks was, right? Have any of you ever spent time with an eight year old that clearly really, really loves dinosaurs? Those kids can spout names and facts and identify them by their skeletons and frankly know more than I ever will. Kaz’s was magic tricks. All kids are special.

- Kaz continued working on magic tricks and practicing them for years, so, I think that gets a pass. 

- As for the math! Look, a Fact Of Life is that some kids are just Like That, whether it be possibly from neurodivergence or other factors:

- Flo and Kay Lyman are twins with Autism who basically have the calendar of EVER memorized. Kaz memorizing card decks is sensible, and these ladies don’t need to look up anything to figure it out, so Kaz doing sums inside his head seems plausible. His “photographic memory’ isn’t impossible, although the term itself might be incorrect.

- Katherine Johnson who worked at NASA (yes, the lady from Hidden Figures), was so good at math that she was in high school by age 10 and went to college at age 15. It’s true that she had some teaching, but 1. There’s no evidence Kaz had absolutely no schooling, even if it was just at home with books and 2. Kaz was 9 when he came to Ketterdam, and after Jordie died, when he wasn’t surviving, he was learning. 

- Human calculator is a term that is applied to children a lot and there’s definitely plenty of videos showing how smart these kids are and them doing mental math easily, which he does in the books

- He had a LOT of pressure on him to figure out all he could, and if he wanted to move forward, he was going to have to learn a lot. He spent hours practicing magic tricks, for all we know he spent hours practicing math too. We know Jordie was a bit of a bookworm too, so Kaz from a young age probably already had a reason to learn. Personally, a lot of my love for books was inspired by my older sibling when I was younger

- Young people are adaptable. Kaz is incredibly adaptable. The term prodigy exists because of people like him through history. 

- As for him being rational, there’s no other way to survive. Some of the greatest soldiers in history have been very, very young, and very, very smart. It’s true tacticians are generally considered to be older, but that doesn’t mean there haven’t been very young ones. 

- A lot of the generals I found were like, 19 years old, but Kaz is 1. not a general and 2. in a place where young people take up the mantle really, really quickly, and frankly it’s been like that for a long time. I still think this passes. This isn’t relevant but William the Conqueror was apparently called “The Bastard”?

- Frankly, underground communities of thieves probably don’t go around publishing their escapades so to me it makes sense that I can’t just look up “famous young thieves” and get anything that makes sense, but I did try

- Y’all I tried to do research on youngest escape artists since I think Kaz qualifies and I found myself in what I think is a magicians forum? It’s from 2002-ish and I feel like I’ve just found a relic. I can’t definitely prove they’re all saying the truth, but some of the people there talk about 10-11 year olds at magic camps, so, it’s not impossible for this to be a skill Kaz learned really young, particularly when he made a habit of following around magicians

- I think he passes the realism check overall

For the other Crows:

- Nina being so proficiently multilingual makes sense to me, because she’s been in the Little Palace almost her entire life with all the best teachers they could afford at her disposal. Some people just click with languages. One such would be Timothy Doner, who spoke 23 languages at 16. 

- Nina is a child soldier. She of course can handle the battlefield, although I imagine there’s a degree of trauma that she has to deal with (although it’s true that most of her work was always meant to angle her towards being a spy).

- Jesper was taught to shoot from a young age by Aditi, who was likely incredibly proficient. Plus, there’s mentions of him and his father being on some sort of frontier at one point in the books, so, it’s likely that Jesper got his fair share of ‘being a child soldier” since he would’ve been 15 or younger. Plus, with being a Fabrikator, he gets a leg up

- Jesper’s smart y’all, he just also likes to have fun

- I am a little terrified by the fact that I looked up ‘youngest sharpshooter’ and found out about a 9 year old girl (Addysson “Addy” Soltau) who can indeed shoot guns, but uh, it does prove my point

- Matthias... I haven’t heard anyone really argue about Matthias. He’s the oldest at 18 and again, he’s essentially a religious child soldier. Of course he would be built af and know how to handle himself in a fight, and in a flashback about meeting Trassel, we’re told that he was actually distanced from the other boys and was the biggest and strongest/smartest of the group. Perhaps not compared to Kaz, but still

- We know how Wylan ended up how he is, so I don’t think i have to defend how he’s both a musical prodigy, good at math, and good at chemistry. Plenty of kids who can’t do one thing will immediately gravitate to a different field (think AP math students who can’t write essays, or those kids who could analyse a book and it’s metaphors in class but didn’t understand geometry).

- Granted he took it far but it’s kinda implied that  his father ignored him eventually and what else was Wylan going to do

- I don’t really know how he did chemistry while not being able to read the symbols and stuff, but that’s likely because I’ve never had to learn the way he did and also I really suck at Chemistry, but I refuse to believe that it invalidates his capabilities

Final Thoughts:

- They’re Traumatized Honors Students

- People might say that “it’s unrealistic that all the smart ones somehow ended up together” but again they’re traumatized honors students and those gravitate to each other

- Of course the smart ones ended up together, they’re the ones in those crazy situations precisely because they are prodigies. Nina wouldn’t have met Matthias if she wasn’t skilled and a spy, Kaz wouldn’t have known Inej if she hadn’t been skilled at silence (I can’t explain that one but uh ninjas did/do exist and it IS still a fantasy world). Kaz would have never been a leader of the Dregs in a position to find Jesper if he hadn’t been so determined to rise to the top, and Jesper wouldn’t have been in Ketterdam if his father hadn’t thought that Jesper was smart enough to get that chance.

- You know how those fringe revolutionary artists for new eras end up knowing all knowing each other and even hanging out? That’s them.

- I have decided there is a strong basis for Autistic Kaz, someone who is more studied than me should feel free to explore this.

- I read this book a few years ago, A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah. It’s about this guy’s experiences as a boy soldier and it’s a painful read so I’m not sure I recommend it as a casual read, but he talked about these young kids being able to actually make competent military strategies and handle warfare. It’s an extreme example of what I’m trying to explain when it comes to them being able to handle the brutality of their situation, but it’s true, essentially

- They are definitely serious, but if you think they’re not teenagers I just, disagree so much. They have moments of lighthearted banter, they make light of their situation, they try to support each other Nina covers it so well in her farewell at the end of Crooked Kingdom: The little rescues of laughing at each others jokes or eating together and just supporting each other, is not only a very human thing, but a very teenager thing. 

- Scary experiences that shape us happen all the time, and although for most it’s not the things that the Crows experience, picking each other up is a big part of why they do read as teenagers to me. I’ve seen kids be able to seriously converse about things like being questioned by the police, or being left to their own devices for days at a time, or the general impending doom they all feel, and it’s dark, but they’re also going to joke about silly puns 20 minutes later. 

- Teenagers aren’t exempt from terrifying maturity and competence

- Finally: Despite all I said, it’s a fantasy story and doesn’t have to be realistic

In the end, everyone can believe what they want to believe, but this is my case for my opinion.

TL;DR The Crows are all prodigies and a lot of their achievements and capabilities are based in reality and there are real people who actually achieved things like what they’ve done. Messed up prodigies gravitate to messed up prodigies, hence how they all end up together. When it comes to their mental state, most of them have been brought up their entire lives in situations that required for them to problem solve and keep their cool even when things are going to hell.

[linkspooky]

The Unforgivable One

Someone in my inbox accused me of not treating the heroes like “flawed human beings”. However I think they had a fundamentaly misunderstanding of the way I read characters, both heroes and villains. I don’t see people as good or bad. I see everyone as equally human and flawed. Bad people don’t do bad things because they’re psychopaths, they often do these things for very understandable and human reasons. You can often hurt someone for very normal reasons. Abusers are in fact human too, and often they don’t really see themselves as bad people. Most people are not in fact cackling villains but in fact perfectly normal human beings going through mental gymnastics to justify themselves. So with that in mind let’s take a look at the incredibly flawed human being that is Todoroki Enji. Obvious content warning for discussion of child abuse under the readmore. If you can’t stomach it please don’t read this post for your own safety.

1. Endeavor’s Motivations

Endeavor’s motivations aren’t hard to understand, because they’re basically the same as Bakugo’s his foil. This is something the manga itself has commented upon. Bakugo gives us a view into the mindset of teen Endeavor and likely the attitude that led him to becoming the adult he is. 

Endeavor is, in a way, as much of a victim of hero society as Bakugo is. In the fact that Enji has been negatively influenced by a lot of the views of hero society. Bakugo and Endeavor both have incredibly flashy quirks more suited to combat and defeating villains rather than saving people which makes them the ideal of hero society’s quirk prejudgice. People are not born equal, that’s the words that the manga start with, and it’s imporatnt to notice that people like Bakugo and Endeavor are heavily favored by hero society but that too comes with its own unique set of pressures. As hero society is ultimately a very toxic system overall that holds up an unhealthy ideal. 

Bakugo is a bully, ultimately. He wants to make other people feel small to make himself feel big. Endeavor is the grown up version of that same bully. However, Bakugo while being a bully Bakugo also has an extremely uhealthy mindset where he is constantly piling up pressure on himself and never really feeling satisfied. A mindset which instead of trying to correct Hero society praises Bakugo for having, and encourages. 

Let me explain. Basically, Bakugo and Endeavor are both the living embodiment of “damned by faint praise.” They are constantly being praised and told how special they are because of their quirks. However, while this may have been enough for them early on in their lives while they are little kids they eventually get the sense that they haven’t really earned the massive amounts of praise people give them. 

This causes both of them to be struck with a serious case of what most people call “Imposter’s Syndrome”, they don’t really feel like they’re the ones getting praised. They don’t feel like they’ve earned it. This is when one of their first mental traps springs. They decide they have to become the really great person that everyone sees them as. They’re always specifically aware of how short they fall as a hero from the expectations of everyone around them, and they are constantly working to make the difference up. 

Endeavor and Bakugo are people who have incredible drive, and also an incredible motivation to improve themselves. This has been stated before by the story several times but none of these are bad traits to have. Wanting to improve yourself. Wanting to live up to everyone’s expectations of you, or even your own expectations of yourself can lead to you pushing yourself to do good things. 

However, the problem is for both Bakugo and Endeavor that no matter how much they build themselves up in their head they’re building on very flimsy foundations. Both of them are building towers of sand, or houses of cards. They have a lot of self-confidence in themselves but it’s always fragile. Because they have confidence, but no security in themselves. They are extremely insecure individuals. 

They both pile up an incredible amounts of stress and pressure on themselves to be the best, or at least to be as good as they think they should be, but they also both suffer from the two same critical flaws. Number one, they have been taught no healthy ways to deal with this negative buildup of stress. This is once again one of the faults of hero society, if people are strong then nobody around them will ever see them as week. 

Bakugo is kidnapped by a villain at the start of the manga, not a single person is worried that he might be traumatized from nearly being killed. Of course not he has an incredibly powerful quirk. He’s strong, so he must not suffer from trauma like the weak kids. 

Bakugo is uniquely pressured because he has a strong quirk, everyone around him expects him to be strong at all times and Bakugo himself does not allow himself to show any vulnerability. Bakugo legitimately believes that if he was strong enough, he would never fail, never lose. Bakugo basically doesn’t allow himself to be human in any of the ways that count. Bakugo only sees himself but that’s a double edged sword, when things go wrong the fault has to be with Bakugo, it’s because Bakugo was weak. So, Bakugo has been severely emotionally neglected by the institutions around him including UA, which after Bakugo has been kidnapped by several murderous villains did not think to check if a fifteen year old was traumatized and mentally healthy enough to return to classes. 

The second flaw in their mindset is that they are continually forced to prove themselves. They work hard, but feel no satisfaction no matter what they accomplish. Even if they have the most resolved cases, even if they get number one in the tournament. This is because once again, the enormous pressure and expectations they push onto themselves. If a Straight A student gets A’s, it’s not extraordinary he’s merely doing what’s expected. If a C student gets an A that’s an accomplishment. Their expectations are so high for themselves that they can literally never be met, and therefore they feel no relief from the constant piling up of expectations and stress. 

This is why Bakugo is fundamentally insecure. He’s not good enough to meet his own standards, and it seems like everyone else exists to prove how small he is. Bakugo sees the world as everyone else looking down on him because he’s so stuck in his own head. Bakugo cannot emotionally process this, and because of that at even the smallest upset he starts crying and acting like a child because he just can’t handle these emotions. He’s unstable, mentally always in a very precarious place. 

What Bakugo wants is to feel good about himself. He wants to feel like all his hard work is accomplishing something. However, Bakugo’s self esteem comes not from what he’s accomplished but rather that feeling of being better than others, the societal pressure to be the best, which is why he not only has to be the strongest but has to put others down below him. Not only that, but if he feels like somebody is disrespecting him or not taking him seriously then Bakugo even goes as far as to lash out violently. He literally tried to attack an unconscious Todoroki (who was holding back due ot having flashbacks of his father in the middle of a fight against Bakugo... hmm, i wonder why). Bakugo’s mindset is very insular. Bakugo just kind of assumes that everybody thinks exactly the same way he does, because he’s not emotionally intelligent really to understand other people. So he just assumes Todoroki holding back is an intentional insult against him and gets angry. In Bakugo’s mind it’s justifable to be violent against an unconscious Todoroki, because Todoroki’s the one intentionally provoking him and looking down on him. 

Bakugo and Endeavor go through a similiar arc. They both build these giant towers on foundations of sand, only to watch them crumble and be left with nothing. They both realize that they were fighting for the wrong thing all this time. 

When they realize they were fighting for the wrong thing, all they can feel is emptiness and their own personal disatisfaction. Bakugo and Endeavor were chasing something they were never really going to have in the first place, because even if they became the number one hero, even if they were the strongest in the world it would never be enough for them. Which means they’ve accumulated all this stress but have no healthy way to deal with it so they vent it out. Literally the only thing Bakugo can think of to do when he’s at his limit is beat up Deku one more time and try to make himself feel strong again and prove that his way of doing things wasn’t wrong. 

Bakugo and Endeavor find themselves at similiar points. They both realize everything they were devoting themselves for was wrong from the start, and they were never going to get what they wanted out of life. While Endeavor’s reasons are not necessarily sympathetic, they are at least understandable and human. Endeavor feels like he’s owed a reward for all of his hard work. He wants to feel like he’s someone special and important. Endeavor and Bakugo are selfish yes, but a selfish drive doesn’t have to be a bad thing necessarily. Endeavor and Bakugo are always pushing themselves to be the absolute best version of themselves because they believe in society’s pressure to be the best wholeheartedly. They’re also continually made to feel worse than everyone around them. Their tremendous egos are actually fueld by very small insecurities. 

They also much like human beings don’t absolutely think they are right all the time. Bakugo and Endeavor both have hit their limits so to speak. Their struggles are sisyphian. They push the boulder up the hill, watch it roll down, push the boulder up the hill, watch it roll down and are slowly realizing that all of their struggles are getting them absolutely nowhere. At which point both of them begin to self reflect and think they may have been going about things all wrong from the start. Bakugo and Endeavor both have some awareness of how unhealthy their mindset is, or at least that it’s not getting them what they want.  They are sometimes capable of questioning themselves and where they’ve gone wrong. 

2. A Show Parent

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. Psychological projection involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

Endeavor is constantly battling with his own feelings of inferiority in weakness. However rather than process these feelings in healthy ways, Endeavor has always chosen to take his feelings out on his family. The reason why is because from the start Endeavor has viewed his family in a selfish way, they existed, and continue to exist for him and not the other way around. 

The way Enji projects on his family is actually for pretty common every day reasons. Enji himself feels like he can’t achieve what he wanted out of life. He wasn’t good enough to become number one, he couldn’t hack it and therefore he’ll never be good enough. That’s why he made the decision to instead try to live vicariously through Shoto, who he sees as an extension of himself. Enji has projected all of his wants and desires entirely onto Shoto. When he was raising Shoto, it was never about having Shoto’s needs met, but rather what Enji’s wants were. 

Enji feels that he himself is not good enough so he projects himself onto Shoto to accomplish what he can’t, belcause he thinks he will be able to find the fulfillment he’s seeking that way. It’s the same as a person with dreams of becoming an actor pushing their child onto the stage at young ages instead of letting them go to school with all of the other kids. It’s the same as a person who wasn’t able to achieve their dreams in sports pushing their kid to be good at sports. In that sense Enji is not Todoroki’s father, he is his coach, or his manager. He’s not responsible for taking care of a child he’s raising them for a purpose. 

This is the reason why we see Enji get physically angry at Shoto. Enji has so thoroughly projected himself onto Shoto, that anything Shoto wants outside of what Enji wants, Enji perceives as resistance. Enji does not seem to get that a five year old can’t take the intensive training because he sees himself as that five year old. He thinks that Shoto must just not want it enough. That he’s not motivated enough. That he’s resisting him purposefully. It’s the same reason as Bakugo getting violent towards the unconscious Shoto near the end, when Shoto stopped fighting him seriously Bakugo in his fragility perceived it as Shoto holding back from him on purpose because he was looking down on him. 

If Shoto succeeds then Enji expects to feel that success. If Shoto fails that means Enji is not only reminded of his own inferiority again, but he also is forced to relive his lost dreams. Shoto doesn’t know any of that though, he’s just Shoto, just a kid, so of course he’s going to fall short of Enji’s extremely schewed expectations which is where the negative feedback loop beings. 

Because, even though Enji is using his family to try to make himself feel better that doesn’t work either. The truth is Enji can’t live vicariously through his son. Shoto’s success is not his success, and Shoto himself even wants nothing to do with him anymore. Enji has been using his family for completely selfish reasons up to this point and we reach a point in the narrative where Enji at least seems to grasp the fallout of his actions. Enji is at least aware of the fact that his family doesn’t like him, and that he’s done a bad. 

Reconciliation and calm are both stages that are written into the cycle of abuse for a reason. Most abusers are not heartless monsters, but rather humans. The frightening thing is abuse is a very normal thing, that arises from normal circumstances. Almost anybody can become an abuser, because it’s an abuse of power, it’s a cycle people get trapped in. A lot of abusers realize that what they are doing is wrong, this is called th reconciliation stage of abuse. Most people do in fact feel bad about it when they hurt another person and want to make ammends. 

The reason abuse repeats however is because the core behavior does not change, and the power dynamic remains in place. Abusers apologize for the wounds they caused, but don’t really address the problems of their behavior on a deeper level, and because of that they let the tensions build again and another incident always occurs. 

So what we are seeing post All Might retirement is not really a change in Enji’s behavior, because the core of who he is remains the same. He has perhaps had a change in motivation, he’s realized that trying to be the number one hero is never going to get him what he wants, and the way he’s treated his family has made his family hate him. However, he never addresses the core of the issue which is that he thinks his family exists for his sake. This is not my analysis these are things Enji has literally said, not in the tournament arc but post Kamino. Endeavor still says I’m going to leave everything to Shoto. Not even asking what Shoto wants to be. He still sees Shoto as his heir who exists to carry on his legacy.

 Enji is still essentially doing exactly what he did before and expecting a different result. He even says so to Shoto, if he’s a good enough hero, then Shoto will watch him, and be proud of him. These are Endeavor’s own selfish motivaions and not what the other people around him really want him to do. He’s doing this for the acknowledgement he thinks he deserves, and the attention from his family he thinks he deserves and not really for altruisitic or heroic reasons. 

Enji repeats a lot of his behavior from before. He still piles attention and attention onto Shoto that Shoto does not want. He is still essentially projecting himself onto Shoto and the rest of his family, that behavior has not changed, it’s just his method. He thinks if he becomes number one dad now instead of number one hero that will get him the sense of accomplishment he craves. The problem is underneath all of his actions, Enji has yet to really grasp what he did wrong. He doesn’t grasp how selfish his actions are. He doesn’t seem to understand how messed up it is, that he seems to think his family exists for his sake. He found a wife, he had children, he had Shoto, not because he wanted to make a family happy but because he wanted to use them to further his own amibtions to become a hero. 

Enji is both capable of realizing that he hurt people, and feeling genuine remorse fo his actions but also not really making any signficant changes for his behavior. The fact that both of these can be true simultaneously is what allows abuse to continue. 

While he knows he did something wrong you also get a sense he doesn’t truly understand how truly heinous some of his actions were. Enji always has this narrative inside of his head that he simply made a mistake somewhere along the way, that he acted without even realizing what he was doing. 

It’s not that Natsuo is angry with him and will never stop being angry with him, it’s that Enji has somehow said the wrong words by mistake. It’s not that Enji violently beat a child because he was angry that child wasn’t living up to his impossible standards, but Enji somehow just ignored Shoto’s wishes. 

He always makes it sound like it was accidental, like he didn’t know what he was doing, like he somehow didn’t mean to abuse them. He wasn’t beating up a little kid he just ignored Shoto’s wishes and it somehow went wrong along the way. This complete lack of culpability that Enji has towards his own actions is also what leads him to repeat several really bad aspects of his behavior, such as hyperfocusing on Shoto to the point of ignoring Fuyumi and Natsuo, forcing Shoto to live up to his legacy and accept his help, still vicariously living through Shoto instead of letting Shoto be his own person. 

Enji doesn’t address the root cause of the behavior and doesn’t change himself in any real way. The bad behavior repeats. The cycle continues. What Enji has been avoiding and what he needs to acknowledge is that there was genuine malice in the way he treated his kids. He sees his whole family as existing for his sake, to meet his own emotional needs and when they failed he always took it out on them. 

For Enji it’s always Enji first and everyone else second. It’s always primarily about what Enji wants. He doesn’t seem other people, only himself, and what he wants. That’s why when Shoto literally has half of his face burned off as a result of Enji’s actions, all Enji really cares about is that it’s going to interrupt Shoto’s training. 

Whenever Enji’s family existed outside of what he wanted them to be, or got in his way in any significant way he always vented his frustation on them. He resorts to hitting for the same reason that Bakugo always feels the need to bully Deku. A grown up bully. Enji needs to make others feel small to feel assured of his own bigness. Deku has to always be underneath Bakugo, otherwise Bakugo’s worthless. Enji has to put his family back in their place. If they resist or show desires of their own otuside of what Enji needs for them he turns violent to try to force them back. It all arises from an incredibly unhealthy way of viewing himself and his own emotions yes, but it’s also something that other people suffer the consequences of. 

His family exists for his sake, which is why he’s at the same time both extremely controlling of them, but also just straight up ignores the ones who aren’t useful to him. 

These aren’t a result of Enji going too far, these are all intentional cases of neglect. Especially if you consider the way Natsuo and the others were treated. Enji didn’t even bother to take care of them and raise them as his children because they weren’t of any use to his ambitions. 

He straight up had no presence in their lives whatsoever. These are things he intentionally chose to do. For his own selfish reasons, because he thought his children existed for his own happiness and not the other way around that he was not responsible for his children. 

These aren’t things that can happen on accident. Neglect is as much of an abusive behavior as what was done to Shoto. It’s a parent failing even their basic responsibilities as a parent to be present and around in their child’s life. 

Even the children he neglects he still controls though. When Natsuo’s cooking wasn’t good enough, Enji forced him to stop cooking anymore. 

Enji had to have intentionally does these things, but when confronted with them he always acts clueless. He even claims to Natsuo’s face it was never his intention to shut any of them out of his life, even though he literally says on panel in the past that Shoto shouldn’t pay attention to his siblings because his brothers were failures. 

He’s even referred to his other children as things like Shoto is somehow different from them. So how can both of these things be true at the same time? Enji had to have chosen to done these things to intentionally neglect his family, so how can he claim he never meant to shut them out of his life? How can Enji both get genuinely hateful of his children, especially Shoto when they don’t act the way he wants them to, and yet also want to do the best for his family? How can he be completely absent in Natsuo’s life his entire life and yet claim to have wanted the best for him? How is Enji capable of feeling genuine remorse for his actions and realizing that they are wrong, and still have done what he did? It’s at this point we reach the psyhological excuses. The great many hoops that he’s jumped through and mental gymnastics Enji has performed to justify himself. 

3. The Shadow of the Hero

So there seems to be two contradictory sides to Enji. There is Endeavor the hero who stops at nothing to be number one who sees nothing else but his ambition and his burning drive to be better, and then there’s Todoroki Enji the family man who just seems to be sort of awkward, emotionally absent, and not at all present in his children’s lives. 

Endeavor is overconfident, short tempered, and also an extremely volatile person who will get violently angry if the wrong buttons are pushed. Enji is very quiet and almost self reflective. As if Endeavor is almost always burning, and Enji is burnt out. We see this same kind of emotional dissonance happen with Bakugo too, Bakugo is either on top of the world at which point he’s firing on all cyllinders and acts like an overenthusiastic angry idiot, or he’s very quiet, withdrawn and tends to dump on himself a lot. It’s important to remember that neither of them handle their emotions in any kind of remotely healthy way, so in Enji’s case it makes sense that when he’s not angry he just becomes kind of withdrawn and empty. A person who doesn’t know how to deal with emotions becomes very emotionally awkward when they’re asked to do anything besides, be angry, or punch a villain. 

However it goes to a much more extreme extent with Endeavor. To the point where it does almost seem like there are two people. There’s the much more calmer, and reasonable Enji that he has been showing around his family lately.

Which even Natsuo says that this change is so sudden and different it’s unnatural. I call this “good behavior” Enji. It’s when he’s restraining himself and holding himself back because he has at least realized that a lot of his interactions with his family in the past were wrong. But good behavior once again doesn’t necessarily mean a change in one’s self, because as stated above there’s a stage in the cycle of abuse specifically for when the abuser starts acting better for a period of time. 

There has always been two faces to Endeavor. Not only does Endeavor see himself that way, but that’s also the way the public in general reacts to him. There is Endeavor the hero, and Enji the person. Shoto even comments on this word for word, that he knows Enji is a very respectable hero especially to the public but that doesn’t cancel out a single thing he did. 

This is where we get into the psychological excuses. Enji’s arc deals with heavy Jungian themes, specifically that of the shadow. 

In Jungian psychology, the "shadow", "Id", or "shadow aspect/archetype" may refer to (1) an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself, or (2) the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. In short, the shadow is the unknown side.

Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of one's personality, the shadow is largely negative. There are, however, positive aspects that may also remain hidden in one's shadow (especially in people with low self-esteem, anxieties, and false beliefs).

For Enji, his conscious personality is Endeavor the hero. That’s the one everyone sees and reacts to. However, his shadow his the actions he’s done to his own family, what he keeps hidden and concealed from the world. The things he refuses to acknowledge such as how selfish his actions truly were. 

Enji has a narrative for himself where everything he did was just because he wanted to be the best possible hero he can be. Even though his actions are entirely selfish, he’s convinced himself that he’s doing these things for Shoto, for his family. The problem is Enji’s entire identity is so focused around being a hero that he doesn’t really have an identity, or much of a personality outside of his career as a hero which is why he’s so underdeveloped as a person. Being a hero is his life. He doesn’t see the parts of his life that don’t relate to his career as a hero. 

He’s able to ignore the selfish aspect of his actions. All of the contrdictory parts of his actions because he’s in denial. He still sees himself as that hero who wanted to be number one. He thinks everything he did was in favor of that and he just messed up along the way. It doesn’t occur to him that he had geniune malice towards his children, or his family because he chooses to ignore those inconvenient points of his psychology. 

Enji is, two people in a sense. It’s because he revolves everything in his life around being the best hero he absolutely can be, that he doesn’t see how his actions are downright villainous. Enji is essentially trying to have it both ways. He thinks he can become the best hero that he can be, and also the best dad at the same time. 

However, his behavior is the same. He’s not trying to prove himself as a father not really, he’s just doing the same thing he always did which is put his job as a hero above everything else. Enji is just so completely in his own head, so in denial of his own actions that he just doesn’t see these things.

Enji’s actions are a shadow that have escaped from him because his way of atoning and fighting against his past actions is to just do the same thing he’s always did and try his best as a hero. Even though being a hero is literally what caused him to abuse his family, and Natsuo and Todoroki have both pointed out several times that being a good hero doesn’t really atone for what he did in any real way. 

Enji’s narrative for himself is that his attempt to be number one was a good thing. That his striving to be the best hero he could be was a good thing. It just somehow got bad results for him. He doesn’t really understand how he got to point A and point B, and part of that is again society’s image of Endeavor the Hero is pretty messed up too. Everyone around him praises Endeavor for being a hero while absolutely nobody talks about what happened in his home life and therefore Endeavor faces no real consequences for it. 

Everyone sees this heroic figure out of the image that Enji projects. Because that’s the light. That’s who he is on the surface. If you look on the surface of his actions only you just see a guy who doesn’t know how to give up, and was trying his best to be number one. It almost looks heroic to see his struggle. However, once again if you only view things from the surface you can’t really understand him or his actions. Which is why Endeavor only viewing himself as Endeavor the hero misses his own shadow and what he’s done to the other people around him. 

The person who Endeavor thinks he is, and who Enji really is are two different people. This is because of that unacknowledged shadow. It’s because Endeavor has this huge selfish element to his actions that he’s just completely in denial of.  Not because he doesn’t feel guilt for his actions, but because he does and he’s avoiding it. 

Enji sees himself in the high end Nomu he struggles against, but even that is an incorrect viewing of himself. Nomus are victims, ultimately. They were people who were kidnapped and had multiple quirks loaded into them in the name of mad science. The Nomu is Todoroki, Enji is Ujiko. He’s the one who created several children trying to mix quirks together for his own purposes and then dodged responsibility for that for years. He’s not the monster, he’s Doctor Frankenstein himself. 

Enji when confronted with these behaviors, with the absolute worst of his personality, and the dark sides of all of his intentions never acknowledges them. He never tries to integrate them into who he is as a person. He just tries to fight against them and defeat them. 

“Unless we do conscious work on it, the shadow is almost always projected; that is it is neatly liad on someone or something else we do so we do not take responsibility for it.” Robert Jonson

You don’t destroy a shadow. You don’t make the bad things you’ve done and the bad parts of your personality go away.  The only way to defeat the shadow is to integrate it and consciously acknowledge that you are like this. This shadow stuff is not something I’m applying to the text either, the text directly references it. 

This is Jungian symbolism. The light of the conscious mind creates the shadow. It’s because people only pay attention to Endeavor that hero, that his shadow Enji the person becomes thicker and blacker. The longer people go without acknowledging it, the darker his shadow will become. 

Which is why Dabi is in a way his shadow as well. The violent parts of his personality that Enji has failed to acknowledge or do anything about, part of Enji that still believes that the only thing that matters is strength. 

Enji would never approve of Dabi’s actions, and yet Enji also created Dabi. Once again think of frankenstein and the monster. Dabi wouldn’t even exist if Enji had never abused his family. The monster argues against Doctor Frankenstein that yes he has murdered people, but he never would have existed in the first place unless the doctor had created him which manes the doctor shares respsonsibility for even the unintended consequences of his actions. A person is responsible for their shadow, intentional or not. Dabi is the shadow of Endeavor’s actions in human form. 

He exists to bring into conflict what Enji has been ignoring. That he can’t be good to his family and be a good hero at the same time, because his drive to be a hero was the source of his abusive behavior in the first place and drove him to do what he did to his family. 

Enji is a very selfish person who hasn’t confronted his own selfishness in any significant way. Do I care that he’s only atoning for selfish reasons. No, that’s not the problem exactly. You could argue that all atonement is selfish in nature. The fact that Bakugo and Enji are very self-driven individuals is not necessarily the problem, it’s not a bad thing to want to be selfish, or even desire to better yourself. It can lead to good things. It’s that in Enji’s case, his selfishness always comes at the expense of others. He completely shuts people out and doesn’t even see them. All he sees is what he wants to see. Above all else this viewpoint of the world is very narrow and self-serving. He only sees the surface of his own actions. He only ever sees himself as the hero and can’t acknowledge that to his family he’s the villain. 

Enji only ever saw himself and his self-centered view of the world, and everybody else, including the children he was responsible for and the wife he forced a marriage on only ever got in his way, which is why he resented them. If Enji wants to atone that’s one thing, but if Enji wants to stop being such a selfish person and truly do things for the sake of his family as he’s stated he wants to in the past that means acknowledging his actions. 

Enji continues to be a hero because that’s what he wants, it’s what he’s built his whole life around. He even sees his path forward to atonement as just continuing to do his job as a hero, even when he’s told by Natsuo that won’t work. Which is why the only real substantial way for Enji to change is to actually have to give something up. To acknowledge that he’s in fact a bad hero. He even stated himself, there’s something he wants even more than being a hero now. He wants Toya to be there. 

Which is why Dabi is such an important character because he not only forces Enji to realize the worst of his actions but also to choose, between what is best for himself and his career as a hero which is the only thing he’s ever really cared about and what is best for his family. It’s only in the confrontation with his shadow that we can see what Enji is really made of. 

[swamplatibule]

Paramay Prompt Three! Para+Childhood

I HAVE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR FOUR MOTHERFUCKING DAYS NOW AND I HAVE NO REGRETS :DDDD

this has not been proofread it is 10 at night, I am exhausted, please accept my humble offerings

Damn, only prompt three and I’m already forced to reveal everyone’s tragic backstory oh well lol

Trigger warnings: Abuse, arson, su•c•de, death, homophobia, murder, gun mention

tw; death mention

Alright alright alright let’s fuckin goooo we’ll start off with Hollister, her childhood is no doubt the easiest to write since it’s basically been the same her whole life.

She never met her parents. She doesn’t know if they’re dead, or if they just decided they didn’t want a kid, or if something else happened, and she doesn‘t care. It’s not her problem. At least, she tells herself that, but she really isn’t 100% sure that it wasn’t somehow her fault. Poor baby.

She‘s completely grown up in the foster care system, bouncing from home to home. Hollister kept running away, getting caught, and being sent somewhere else. She’s also, guess what, a fucking genius with technology.

One time she tried running away and then erasing herself from the system. It didn’t work, but nobody realized that she’s tried to do it, so it’s fine, nothing went wrong.

A few weeks into her newest home, one of the other foster kids named Silas (who she’d been fast friends with) went missing days after developing a weird anti-gravitational power. And so she tried to find him. She stumbled across the Starwritten Society - when I say “stumbled across” I mean she followed a few very questionable leads on, like, conspiracy theory websites and shit and actually found something - and hacked into the archives, trying to find some sort of info.

Now, you can imagine the panic that caused in the Society. Complete lockdown. The Starwritten Society is top-secret, and nobody just hacks into the archives that easily. She didn’t actually find anything, one because she didn’t get time to look around before the security system actually started working and kicked her out, and two because Silas just wasn’t in the records anyway, meaning he’d disappeared some other way.

However, before she could go out looking for him, there were three agents knocking at the door, having tracked her location here. And you can imagine the looks on their faces when they saw that the person who had caused the mass panic that morning was none other than some kid with a computer that looked home-made.

Things happened, she asked to join because, y’know, fuck yeah secret society, paperwork was filed, and she got in. She’s currently the youngest trainee to join the Society in seventy-four years. Also, fun fact, they had to fill out the adoption papers and such, so she’s listed as the child of Director Iara Adams. Which isn’t that big of a deal, since literally every kid in need of adoption taken in by the Society is adopted under her name, and most have only interacted with her like once, but... it’s a cool world building detail I felt like I needed to add.

Anyways, ONWARD!!!

——————————————

tw; homophobia

Kennedy was born in a pretty influential family with very “traditional” values. They kinda suck, so we won’t get too into that shithole.

Each generation of that family has had like six kids, and every single time, one turns out to be lgbtq+ and gets ✨disowned✨because the parents are just kinda assholes. It’s just this never-ending cycle.

Suffice it to say, Kennedy - being a flaming bisexual and all that - got disowned when she was like twelve after one of her siblings outed her by accident. Her uncle took her in. Guess what? He had also been disowned! When he was fifteen!

And he also went on to become a very important person in the Starwritten Society, and when he discovered Kennedy’s complete genius with technology, he recommended her to become a trainee at 17 years old.

To be honest, Kennedy’s basically gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to characterization and fleshing-out. I have quite a few paras like that, sadly. I think I might make her a playlist sometime and let her be the main character for a while.

——————————————

tw: abuse, arson, su•c•de, murder, gun mention

Fox. Oh boy. Fox grew up in a very... tense household. His father started out pretty okay when he was a younger kid, but he slowly started getting more and more violent and controlling, to both Fox, his twin sister, and his mother.

Fox always had a very close relationship with his sister, Wren. You know that siblings meme? The “You are my sister, you are my brother, we are siblings and we care for each other,”? The were the living definition of that. They managed to keep a definite sense of humor and lightheartedness with each other, despite everything that had been going on.

They weren’t fine, but they had each other.

And then Wren went missing. There was a huge police search, but they didn’t find anything. Fox was fourteen at the time. That experience basically broke him, and he never saw Wren again.

A month later, he was coming home from school, got off the bus, and found the house in smoking ruins. His mother hadn’t been able to take his father’s abuse anymore, and she couldn’t see any way out. So she set the house on fire, killing both herself and her husband.

Fox, who was a mental wreck at this point, as almost anyone would be, was placed into the foster care system. He never stayed anywhere for longer than a week. His humor became a shield for him, an easy way to seem like he was fine when he wasn’t. After about a year, he ran away. And then joined the circus. Why, you ask? Because I said so; I grow these flowers and if you don’t like it then you can leave my garden

Fox was always a flexible kid. He’d been in gymnastics classes since he was five. And, as it would turn out, he was damn good on a trapeze. It wasn’t a very big circus, just some small family-run traveling one, but it gave him a place to stay and an environment that welcomed him, and that was good enough for him.

He was with the circus for about four years, up until he was eighteen, so technically this isn’t his childhood anymore, but I’m gonna keep going because I want to.

The Starwritten Society was following a lead on an underground lab somewhere around the place where Fox’s circus was performing. Kennedy was actually on the mission, although she doesn’t do many of those anymore after she got injured in the field and such and I’ll talk about that later. Anyway.

The team of agents who were on the search came across the circus, and figured it was as good of a place as any to try and find the person they were looking for, Eleanor Sylvidas. She was actually in the crowd watching, and there was a confrontation after the show. Fox went to check it out, being the one generally in charge of telling people to cool it whenever small fights broke out between customers, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do in a situation where both parties happen to have guns pointed at each other. Especially when Eleanor pointed her gun at his head and told the agents that if they didn’t back down, she’d shoot him.

That wasn’t exactly something that happened to him on a day-to-day basis.

Of course, a fight broke out. Actually, Fox made the first move, he literally tried to snatch this woman’s gun out of her hand. It didn’t work, but the shot she took at him definitely missed, and then there was a very chaotic fight scene and Eleanor ended up losing and got arrested. Course, they still had to find the lab so they could get the kids out of there. Fox was very helpful in that aspect, too.

Once the mission had been completed, he was offered a place as a trainee in the Society. Those who were there will say that the offer was accepted immediately, but he was actually a bit reluctant. He made the choice to go, however, and it proved to be one of the best decisions he’s made.

——————————————

tw; abuse, violence, gun mention

Wilson. Where do I start? He has trauma, definitely, although so does practically everyone who works with the Starwritten Society.

See, Wilson is actually one of the people who were rescued from labs as children, but there are two things that sets him apart from others.

1. He wasn’t kidnapped at birth or after he developed abilities. He was literally created in a lab, which has led to a lot of self-doubt due to being raised to believe he wasn’t “natural”.

2. The Society aims to rescue all powered children from labs as soon as possible, and since many of them are kidnapped at a young age, they try to get them out at least before they turn 10. Wilson wasn’t found until he was a bit older than 17.

He wasn’t even given a name while he was in the lab. He was just “Project Firebird”, with abilities including fire and heat manipulation, as well as immunity to those two things, plus flight and enhanced strength, speed, and stamina. Wilson was made for the sole purpose of being a weapon.

The person running the lab? An absolute fucker of a man named Alastor Killigan. Him? I cannot put into words how much I hate him. He just really fucking sucks, and not in a “loveable bastard“ way. I honestly wish I could physically teleport into my daydreams just to set this bitch on fire.

Anyway, he’s running this whole operation. He’s got guards, he’s got other scientists who he may or may not have blackmailed into helping him, he’s got people who work for him. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this. That’s right, Grey isn’t the first time he’s tried to weaponize a kid. He got caught by the Society last time, but escaped, and now he knows that he has to keep moving around constantly.

So the first 17 years of Grey’s life were just constant training and experiments and tests and moving around and being raised to believe that he was a literal monster and wasn’t worth anything if he wasn’t a weapon. Fucked up, right? But, see, the Society had no idea he existed. They found the lab kids through keeping tabs on recent kidnappings and disappearances. Grey wasn’t on any of those lists. The only people aware of Grey’s existence were Alastor and the people working for him.

In fact, the Society only found him by chance. They managed to track Alastor’s location and find him to arrest him, and they found Grey while they were doing that. There was a huge fight, but Alastor lost, and Grey got rescued. Things were looking up.

Because the Society legally adopts all the orphaned kids they take in, Grey needed a name. He also just needed a name in general. The lady filling out the papers told him he could just pick something, and he panicked. He wasn’t used to being allowed to make his own decisions. There was a plaque on the wall with a list of people who’d been top agents in the past, and he just read one of those.

Grey Wilson.

So, y’know, that‘s why it says he was a top agent in 1937. Just a heads up.

Have I talked about the Society’s different departments yet? No? Maybe I’ll do that later, but anyway - one of the divisions is basically therapy, because some of these kiddos have severe trauma and need help. Grey worked with a woman named Mags for a few years, and then started training for the High-Risk Rescue department. He was taking charge of his own future! Yayyyy!

Oh yeah and then Alastor escaped - again, and Mags went missing on the same day and it was presumed Alastor killed her on his way out, and Grey hasn’t seen either of them since. He’s been working in the Society for about 22 years now, trying to make sure that nobody goes through what he has. He decided early on that he didn’t want to use his abilities again, ever, and it’s become his personal secret, with very few people knowing.

[bittervitter]

ang0mang0′s “copycat” claims

I didn’t want to have to make another post about this, but since people on sonicfan799 / thatAnge / @ang0mang0′s Tumblr profile are getting riled up about this ridiculous drama that should have died ages ago, I figured I’d defend myself. Some people who are trying to support me have been saying incorrect things too, so I also wanted to clear that up. This crap has been going on for months, everyone is sick of it by now. Instead of being brief like I did for other social medias, I’ll be as detailed as possible this time.

[1] “she’s copying/imitating/heavily referencing from my art style!!!”

Like people have said a million times, no I’m not. And nor is anyone else. Just because someone draws the Sonic characters in a similar style to you does not automatically mean they took, copied or “stole” those ideas from you. You don’t own the concept of buff, fluffy bodies or chubby muzzles. COINCIDENCE, as much as you hopelessly deny it, is very much a possible thing- even in crazy situations such as this. There are several other artists who have similar art styles by mere coincidence. IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. As examples, these Instagram artists have similar styles: @ azulytoons and @ indigonite0 / @ magenta_mel and @ zer0finix / @ himemikal and @ natirix. NONE of these artists are “stealing” or referencing from each other- they just have similar art styles, and that is perfectly okay! They draw completely different things with completely different mindsets. The world does not revolve around you, ang0. Not everyone knows who you are, so some people who use the same traits that we do don’t even know we exist.

Also, to anyone unaware, an art STYLE is not merely how one chooses to portray a character. An art STYLE is also what brushes you use, how you sketch, how you line, how you colour, how you shade, how you choose to portray certain objects or ideas- basically your entire fucking understanding of how something’s supposed to look and how you LIKE it to look. It’s not just “chubby faces, poofy curly hair, buff bodies”. It’s everything in a piece AND that.

[2] “she’s tracing my art/ redrawing my ideas!”

Literally no. People have constantly asked you to provide evidence and you refused to. All you did was scream “but it’s so obvious, just look at it!” or “are you dumb? use your eyes!” and several other insults. If you want to prove a point or make someone see something, GIVE. EVIDENCE. The only person who actually provided “proof” was pin_kpeach, your ever so loyal whiteknight, but her “proof” only backfired and proved that the both of you are extremely delusional. In the drawings of ours that she layered over each other, next to NONE of the lines lined up. It looked like a clustered mess of scrap, and the reason for that is because IT WASN’T TRACED. In the one or two drawings where ONE. SINGLE. PIECE. actually lined up was entirely zoomed in to make it seem as though the whole thing was traced. No, honey, that’s not how you provide proof. That’s how you pull a muscle by reaching so desperately to lie about me. The rest of the drawings in those pictures didn’t line up at all, and one- or I believe both- needed to be titled to line them up in the first place. You could say that some people trace things and resize or rotate them, but if I were as dumb as you persist to say, then I wouldn’t have done something like that. Either way, one aspect of a drawing lining up is a common thing for people who have similar styles because- well, I just said it. THEY HAVE SIMILAR STYLES. If they draw something the same way, well fucking duh, it’ll match someone else’s drawing almost exactly sometimes.

[3] “she’s too petty and too much of a liar to credit me! saying the art isn’t hers will hurt her oversized ego!”

Ahaha no. The only one here with an inflated ego is you, ang0. You call me the egotistical one yet you act as though your life is falling apart just because someone else draws like you on the internet. Stop acting like a special snowflake, you are not the only one on this planet with an art style of that nature. I don’t credit you because crediting you makes no damn sense. Why should I credit someone who’s had absolutely no impact on my work whatsoever? What in the hell did you do for my drawings that makes you deserve so much credit? Did you sketch it? No. Did you line it? Nope. Did you colour or shade it? Not a chance. Just because I came up with a design for the characters that happens to look like yours does not mean I owe you jack shit. You cannot. own. a style. Get over it.

[4] “she worsened my depression and is the reason I can’t draw anymore! I have no motivation when there’s some idiot copycat stealing all my art!”

I don’t want to sound like that kind of person, but you worsened your own depression. You painted this false picture in your head and continue to hang onto that belief like your life depends on it. I haven’t done ANYthing to you. You came to ME with these stupid claims back when my art looked LESS like yours, before I even knew who you were. You’re making yourself feel horrible because you, for some paranormal reason, refuse to believe that you’re not the only one with that kind of style. This is why people call you childish, you’re like a whiny baby that can’t accept another child having a toy similar to yours. I can’t even decide whether I should say “grow up” because you’re older than me- not to mention you’re an ADULT.

[5]”she constantly sends her whiteknights to attack me, harass me and send me threatening messages!”

I’ve said several times to my followers NOT to harass you or your followers or anyone against me in this mess at all. I do not send anyone after you. People say things to you out of their own free will and with their own words. I can’t magically know when this happens, why they decide to and I especially can’t control anyone. I’m sorry that my friend Koro sent you all those DMs and horrible messages wishing a lot of very bad things onto you and your family- I asked her several times before and after not to do that, but I didn’t have a clue she did it until after the fact. Either way, don’t go around assuming that I put people up to this or I intentionally ask people to do these things to you. Why in the hell would I do that? What good does that do? All I wanted to do was talk things out but at this point, you don’t even take me seriously, so I can’t even try anymore. The few times we did talk you refuse to see my point of view and just see me as a liar. What the hell am I supposed to do then?

[6]”all vio does is lie, she’s so fake all the time, lying for her petty ego”

I’m not even sure how to respond to this but I thought I might as well bring it up. No matter what I do or say, ang0 sees me as nothing but some retarded liar that can’t help but lie their way around everything, even though I’ve been nothing but genuine all this time. It’s why I can’t even communicate with her anymore, because “shut up, stop lying you copycat” is all I get in response basically.

[7] her insane hypocrisy

Ange and pin_kpeach have said numerous times that I’m rude or insult her, and there have been times where I’ve been mean out of anger, but I know for a fact I apologized for it in DMs. Ange apologized too. I don’t remember ever insulting her after that, but ang0 doesn’t ever stop ridiculing and insulting me with almost every comment she makes on the drama. If she really was sorry, she wouldn’t have done it again, but I guess she said “fuck it” and just continued anyway. Pin_kpeach likes to say I’M the hypocrite for saying Ange is harassing me yet being rude to her a couple times, yet they do they exact same thing, but even worse?? I try my best to be as civil as possible, but ang0 and pink don’t waste a second calling me and my supporters all sorts of colourful names just because they don’t agree with her claims. In fact, here’s a list of every single thing ang0’s ever called me:

retarded, retard, stupid, idiot, dumb, low IQ, mentally ill, crazy, talentless, skill-less, copycat, art thief, (dumb) cow, fuckhole, asshole, bitch, wanna-be artist, unreasonable, clown, fake, liar, hypocrite, delusional, dick, stalker, bittershitter, dumbass, immature

There’s probably more than that, but that’s as much as I can remember. Not hard to forget when she repeats them almost all the time.

[8] gatekeeping ideas

Ange and pink act as if two people drawing a character in the same outfit automatically equals “du bist kopying mein style!!”. I can’t even begin to imagine the mental gymnastics you need to do in order to believe a thought process like that is logical. She thinks that anyone who draws Amy in a dress with a white under-skirt or white ruffles underneath is nothing but a copied idea from her. She thinks that me drawing Amy in a green tank top, blue backwards cap and blue sports shorts is copying her drawing of Amy in a green unidentifiable top (you could only see her back, she didn’t seem to have straps) and blue sports shorts with a slightly different design is automatically copied from her. The poses, shading, angle and idea behind the drawing were COMPLETELY different- but nonono, “this is stolen because the outfit is the same!” They also use the excuse of the whole chubby faces, curly hair, blah blah blah- see point [1] as to why that’s BS.

[9] her perception of my followers/supporters

Aside from Koro, I don’t know if anyone has seriously threatened or harassed her. Her followers comment on my posts, my followers only comment when she brings up the drama or whines about it. She insults my supporters when they don’t agree with her and act like they’re a bunch of immature brats who are wrong while she’s the high and mighty mature one seeing through non-existent lies. I’m used to her making fun of me, but I’m sick and tired of her insulting people who have nothing to do with the drama just because they don’t agree with her. Like, seriously? You call everyone immature and stupid yet you’re the one insulting people non-stop just because they realize how ridiculous and childish you’re acting. That’s why “childish” has become a popular adjective for you, ang0. BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING CHILDISH. CONSTANTLY. You get pissy, insult others and put people down but whine and cry the next minute because you constantly like to play the victim. Speaking of which...

[10] the victim card

I have absolutely no idea what ang0 goes through in real life, but there is no excuse for how she’s behaved during this drama AT ALL. Ange constantly defames her own artwork, calling it shit, calling it every bad name in the book, but doesn’t hesitate for a minute to gatekeep her style as if it was the best thing in the world. She says it’s because she “worked her ass off” and doesn’t want people just stealing her hard work. Okay, but you do realize that other people put just as much work into their own art, no matter if it looks like yours or not, right? She demands that people change their style to stop looking like hers, acting as if that can be done in a matter of minutes, because people having similar styles makes her uncomfortable. Well, surprise motherfucker- welcome to the internet. No one is original and everyone is original at the same time. People are bound to come up with similar ideas and you’re just going to have to deal with it. But despite the similarities, people are still original in their own right. If you believe that people can change a style so easily, why not just change your OWN style? Because you worked your ass off? Well, THEY WORKED THEIR ASS OFF TOO. So don’t act like you’re the only one who’s put effort into their craft. Art is hard, and that applies to EVERYONE- even professionals.

You blame me and other “copycats” for all your problems, blaming us for worsening your depression, ruining your passion for art- when you’re the only one who does this to yourself. Yes, there have been genuine art thieves in your life, and people who have stolen your art- but what I’m talking about are the people like me who DON’T steal your art or are merely inspired by you. People who say “you should be happy they’re inspired!” aren’t saying “you should be happy they’re copying!”. They’re saying that you should be glad that your work is so inspiring that people create their own unique ideas based off your own. Inspiration doesn’t require credit unless they’re purposefully taking a massive part of the original. But being inspired by a hair style or even a pose isn’t stealing. It’s inspiration, that’s it. I’m not inspired by you at all, but I can at least appreciate your art- even if you think I’m just being fake.

[11] ang0mang0′s history and why this shit doesn’t even make sense

Ange has said publicly and to me in detail about how she’s been accused of the same “art style theft” in the past. From what I’ve gathered or heard, people used to accuse her of copying a popular artist called myly14 who’s Sonic art is pretty much everywhere. Whether it be in edits, MVs or whatever else.  Looking at her old art when she went under the name sonicfan799, her art does look similar to myly’s, but ang0 insisted that she didn’t copy myly and didn’t even know who she was. She legit said “it’s not my fault my art looks like someone else’s”, so basically- it was coincidence. She said she changed her art style because she “isn’t an asshole and didn’t want to make the other artist uncomfortable”, even though art style theft isn’t a thing and no one needs to be forced out of a style just because someone else already draws that way. I have no idea what myly’s stance on that situation was, but the fact that it happened just proves how stupid her current claims are.

Ange says that her style is “too complex” to be coincidentally similar to someone else’s, even though the fact that it’s happened 30 times (according to her) just proves that no, ang0, no it fucking isn’t. Your style isn’t complicated at all. Detailed sure, but no style is too complicated to be similar to another’s. Being complex doesn’t make something any less likely to be identical to another complex style.If you didn’t copy myly14 in the past, what right do you have to accuse me of the same damn thing? If I really am copying you, then you have to admit to copying myly, because you can’t just lie about your past and then shit on me for doing the same thing. So it’s either you stop this nonsense or you drag this drama down with you to your grave and admit you copied myly14.

Another thing, myly14 didn’t even have a “simple” style. The fact that her art was almost instantly recognizable and popular meant that she had a signature style that stood out. Yes, she used a lot of the original Sonic style’s anatomy, but her stylization of said anatomy, her shading and the way she composed her pieces gave her a signature style. The most stylized thing I could see was how she drew muzzles, and guess who drew muzzles in a similar way as well? You did. People saw how your way of drawing faces and some parts of the body and thought it looked liked myly’s. The similarities in your anatomy, and not your shading or colouring, was what made people think you copied her. That exact same thing is happening between me and you. My shading, colouring and composition is entirely different from yours, but some parts of the anatomy are similar.

If you really didn’t copy myly14, you have absolutely no. fucking. excuse. to accuse me of the EXACT. SAME. SHIT. that happened to you.

You never needed or deserved to be pressured out of your old style just because people thought it looked similar to someone else’s, and that’s why I refuse to change my style now. Because it isn’t. fucking. fair. To ANYONE.

[12] how I feel (this is copied over from my DeviantART)

At this point I've grown used to what she has to say, but it still hurts. She thinks that I'm some kind of cartoon villain maniacally laughing behind a computer screen every time I post something because she's so deep into her belief that I really copy everything she draws and that nothing I've never posted has any true effort put into it. She genuinely believes she owns all my art and that I devote my entire gallery into recreating her image or some crazy shit like that. It sounds really dumb, but from what I've read from her poorly constructed comments and rants, that's basically what she believes.

She thinks I don't care at all about how all this affects her or anyone at all, but I do. It doesn't just hurt me in the sense that she makes me feel awful with all her insults, but I just feel so bad for her. I feel guilty in the sense that I couldn't do anything at all to help her, not that "shes prolly feeling guilty and made that april fools joke to let out some guilt!!". (If you don’t know, on April Fools Day, I changed my Instagram bio to say “clown” and call myself “the ultimate copycat” as a joke.) That was a really stupid reaction from her by the way... who the hell comes up with that? Now that she's going away for a month, I feel even worse because all I wanted to do was try to make her come to her senses and end this mess. I thought I could talk some sense into her- that didn't work. Her delusions are so strong, she's like a brick wall. I thought I could ignore the drama- that didn't work. She "clowns" and talks about it so annoyingly often. Not to mention people do things on their own to stir shit up. I thought I could support her regardless and maybe try making her feel better about her art- that didn't work. She thinks I'm fake and that everything I say is a lie. Because of me, she probably doesn't believe other people too- and that makes me feel even more terrible.

No matter what I do, I'm automatically the villain and she's the tortured, helpless artist that everyone is against because "everyone is dumb, supporting a copycat" and she's just "used to it, because she's dealt with so much shit already!". It's so ridiculous. If she would just try to actually better herself or the situation, she wouldn't feel so horrible all the time. Like... for god's sake, she relied on a video game to make her happy- that's not healthy, and just like I suspected, it didn't fucking work.

more of how I feel

Because of ang0, I just feel like garbage. My self esteem and confidence in my art was already low. Thanks to her, I don’t feel original (or as original) anymore- and I’m afraid to show many of my new or old ideas because she or her whiteknight pin_kpeach may spring out and say “copycat! stolen! you’re not original!” and a plethora of other insults. I can barely sketch or draw Sonic content without panicking and feeling worthless because all I have is her words and her opinions stuck in my head. She blames me for her demotivation and shit like that when she’s done the same thing to me. She thinks I don’t care about her or her art, when I do, but when I say that, she calls me fake. In reality, ang0 couldn’t give a damn about me and I’m pretty sure she’d be happy if I were dead. She has said before that she doesn’t care if I killed myself soo... there’s that. Anyway lemme not drag my feelings out too long, I just thought I’d say it to anyone willing to listen since her immediate response would’ve been “fake, liar” etc, etc. I really don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or anything like that, I just want people to listen and understand. That’s all.

a final note

I’m really thankful- like, REALLY thankful- for everyone who’s been on my side throughout this. I don’t like picking sides, and I’d hate to make people do so, but there doesn’t seem to be any in between to this at all. It’s either you believe I’m copying her or you don’t.  Most people don’t- thank goodness for that- but some do. And there’s nothing I can do about it. At this point, whatever man.

Please please PLEASE do not harass ang0. Don’t threaten her, don’t insult her, don’t do anything rash or fucking illegal. It’s all fair game if you want to POLITELY SPEAK to her, or try to start a discussion, but please don’t do anything stupid. And especially don’t do things in my name. If you want to debate with me or her, do research first- don’t just jump to conclusions or make assumptions.If you want nothing to do with this drama, then simply don’t say anything- just be aware of what’s going on, that’s all I ask. So nobody gets the wrong idea on either side.

Sorry for this being so long, I think I’m done for now.

Thank you if you read the whole thing.

[9.4.2020]

[imaginedevildom]

“Oh! It’s my favourite time of year.” With Asmo please :)

Hey alright sorry this is super late, I got a little carried away with it but anyways, here’s Asmo and Mc going out for a Valentine’s day lunch, getting sloshed, and they sweet kisses, hope you enjoy

When you woke up that morning it hadn’t even occurred to you what day it was. The constant night of the devildom was disorienting and made it almost impossible to tell one day from the next. So you were shocked as you rolled over to grab your D.D.D off the nightstand and found a bouquet of bright red roses with a note instead.

You reached over and grabbed one of the flowers and felt your eyebrows rise as you realized that they were in fact real flowers and not some plastic imitation. You knew that the Devildom had its own unique flora and fauna, most of it dangerous to humans, but you had never seen any roses amongst the native wildlife.

That on its own was enough to pique your interest, so you opened the letter that had come with the flowers and were yet again surprised as purple flowers fell out of the note and into your lap. You picked up one of the stray purple flowers and ran your fingers over it. Hmm, I think its pressed, you thought to yourself as you tried to figure out what kind of flower was now sitting in your hand. With a slight shrug you decided it probably didn’t matter and turned your attention back to the note.

To my dearest,

I hope you enjoyed the flowers, I had to go through a lot of work to get flowers from the human world, so I hope you appreciate them. I hope you just forgot that today was Valentine’s day. When Solomon brought it up last week, I was all ughh boring human religious holiday. But then Solomon told me it was a day that human couples used to celebrate the passion they felt for each other! So, I figured I’d surprise you. Meet me downstairs at 11’o’clock and you can show me all the other ways that humans celebrate Valentine’s day!

Ps.

also I took your D.D.D. so that the others wouldn’t be able to distract you from coming to see me.

With Love,

Asmodeus

For a second you almost couldn’t tell who the letter was from due to the lipstick stain on top of the signature, but that on its own was enough to confirm who had snuck into your room and left flowers on your nightstand. You looked over the letter once again and then checked the nightstand to confirm what he’d wrote in the letter about your D.D.D and found that yup, it was no longer connected to the charger on the wall.

Valentine’s day, you thought with a sigh as you rolled back over in bed. In truth you’d completely forgotten about it, normally you might do a small gift exchange with your friends but seeing as you’d been in the Devildom and not in contact with them, the holiday hadn’t even been a blip on your radar. It also wasn’t a surprise that Asmo of all the brothers would be excited about the holiday. You wondered what kind of explanation Solomon had given him. You could almost see Asmo’s delighted expression as stoic Solomon told him about the holiday you were sure produced more one-night stands than any other holiday sans maybe New Year’s Eve. That thought made you stop, and you wondered exactly what Asmodeus had in mind for the two of you today. You felt yourself blush slightly as you thought of all the things you’d like Asmodeus to do you and vice versa.  

Since coming the Devildom, you’d been trying your best to develop friendships with the seven demon brothers you suddenly found yourself living with- with varying degrees of success. Asmo had proved difficult to get to know at first. His narcissistic nature and his penchant for flirting had been slightly off-putting, and that been before you had even formed a pact with the fifth born. Since forming a pact with him his attitude had changed and his flirting had become over more overt.

While Asmo didn’t constantly occupy your living space like Mammon or Beel, he occupied your personal space more frequently than any of his brothers. As the avatar of lust, you had expected there to be a lack of hesitation in touching on Asmodeus’ part, but even still. You had never met another person so interested in physical contact. A hand brushing over yours as you ate snacks together or trailing across your clothing as he complimented or critiqued your clothing choices.

The constant affection was near maddening at times. Trying to discern the line between platonic and romantic with Asmo was a new type of mental gymnastics that you had never expected- this Valentine’s date was just another example.

With a huff you tossed the note back on the nightstand and got out of bed to find some clothes and idly wondered if you had time to shower before going to meet Asmo. A quick glance at the clock on the other side of the room showed that it was almost ten.

You showered quickly to give yourself time to get dressed and after you finished you slipped on a pair of shoes before heading out of your room to go meet Asmo outside. As you left the house you saw that Asmo was already outside waiting for you. Asmo caught sight of you and called your name as you approached and threw his arms around you in a light hug before pulling back and smiling at you sweetly.

“I’m soo glad you got my note, Solomon told me all about Valentine’s day, but I just can’t wait to see what you came up with us!”

“Well I was thinking that we could start with lunch, maybe head over to Hell’s Kitchen?” Asmo gave a quick nod and a bright smile before linking his arm with yours and heading down the street that would take you into the central part of town.

As you walked into Hell’s kitchen you weren’t terribly surprised to find that the restaurant was practically empty. Before Asmo had the chance to drag you over to the bar where you normally sat, and you grabbed his arm and pulled him over to one of the booths in the back of the restaurant. Asmo raised his eyebrows at you as he slid into the booth across from you.

“Well if you wanted to get me alone all you had to do was ask silly,” Asmo whispered conspiratorially as he leaned closer to you over top of the table. You flushed slightly as you realized, that yes, in trying to get Asmo away from the bar you had accidently pulled him into an even more vacantly populated part of the restaurant.

You laughed slightly as you leaned over the table to meet him, “As much as I love being alone with you Asmo, I was just trying to se the right mood. No proper Valentine’s date takes place while sitting at a dingy bar and I have every intention of showing you a proper Valentine’s day.”

It was your turn to smile mischievously as a small amount of color crept onto his cheeks. Even though he was the Avatar of Lust, you had a strong suspicion that Asmo had little experience with romance that wasn’t geared towards getting into someone’s pants.

Most of your lunch passed by with Asmo telling you all about the latest gossip in the devildom- most of it being about him- and by the time lunch was over you noticed that the two of you had gone through about half a bottle of whatever wine like beverage your waiter had brought you at the beginning of your meal. Whatever the beverage was, it was slightly stronger than you expected, you thought as you and Asmo clung tightly to each other to avoid falling over as you made your way back to the house of Lamentation. You took a quick look at Asmo which quickly turned into a long gaze as you took notice of the way his eyes sparkled and how absolutely he looked with a blush raging over his cheeks and down his neck. Asmo gave up trying to get the main door open as he noticed you staring you staring at him. He turned to focus his full attention on you, and you felt a smile slowly working its way onto your face as Asmo took a few steps closer to you. He let out a soft sigh that you barely registered as your name before he was upon you. The both of you must have been drunker than you thought as his lips met yours in a mess and you bumped noses before he pulled back, readjusted himself and dove back towards your mouth. This time when his mouth firmly met yours you were prepared, and both of your hands flew up to tangle in his hair. The two of you stayed there enjoying a slow lazy kiss until you pulled his head slightly so that you could take a breath. Asmo let out what was, frankly, a dreamy sigh as he brought his hands up to cup your cheeks before resting his forehead gently against yours.

The two of you stayed like that for a moment longer, just breathing the same air and you felt giddy as you were overwhelmed with a spicy scent that was almost surely whatever you’d had to drink back at the restaurant and then beneath that another smell that was purely Asmo.  He closed his eyes and let out a contented hum, “Ohhh Y/N, I think this just might be my new favorite time of the year.”

[akaashisupremacy]

Chapter 3: Chasing Springtime (Autumn)

 Tsukki x fem!reader/Oc

Genre: romance, fluff, lil bit of angst, (wc: 9967 yall I got carried away)

Summary: Kei Tsukishima, now in college is reacquainting himself with a childhood friend. Old feelings that he has long shoved aside resurface as they deal into new territory. 

Notes: Kaori Miyahara is an original character, but readers are free to put themselves into her shoes! There will be more chapters to come and let me know if you have any feedback or if you want to be in the taglist.

Also I’m new here so if you wanna be friends I’m down huhu

Chap. 1 (A03) || Chap. 2 (A03)  || Chap. 3 (A03) 

Summer (2014) || Ishi Acupuncture Clinic || Sendai City || 2:00 PM

Miyahara Kaori breathed out a sigh of relief after her doctor took out the last ventosa cup from her back. She was given some time off to rest and go to rehab. Unfortunately, her mom had taken the opportunity to book her an appointment with an acupuncturist to help with her sore back. After worrying about the appointment for days, she could finally set her mind to something else.

Tsukishima Kei was seated on the bench in the reception area reading a magazine. He sat mildly hunched over having not yet fully grown into his height. Even when he was seated, he still looked incredibly tall. Kaori had forgotten his exact height, but he was about to hit six feet for someone who was only 14 going on 15. He was waiting for Kaori, his neighbor and friend who constantly dragged him out to join her adventures in the city. The two were set to go to the library today. She had always been jus a friend, but sometimes he couldn't help but feel they were on a date when they hung out just the two of them. They were in their Third Year in Junior High.

Tsukki looked up from his magazine to find Kaori dressed in a red and white striped top and khaki shorts. It wasn’t often he saw her out of her athletic wear or school uniform. Seeing her a little more dressed up than usual made his heart skip a beat.

“How was the session?” he asked, putting the magazine back into its place.

“Still not a fan of needles,” she sniffed, stretching her back a bit.

“Let’s get out of here.” she shuddered, nudging him towards the door.

Tsukki led Kaori as they navigated through the streets on their way to the library. He normally never ventured into the city just for a library considering there were a few district libraries closer to their neighborhood, but Kaori had run out of books she was interested in and asked him to bring her to the bigger city library.

“Can I please just draw you a map from the clinic or something?” he sulked.

“You labelled the streets wrong last time. You skipped a street and moved an entire’s district worth of streets into the wrong direction!” she frowned, crossing her arms.

“The street names got cut so I had to write them myself, ok? I already said I was sorry.” he said, exasperated at her attempt to use him as a tour guide again. Kaori would often ask her friends to bring her to unfamiliar places she wanted to explore, but she asked him the most often because he lived closest to her.

To begin with, Kaori was not great at reading maps and he was equally terrible at making or even just printing them. Something was almost always missing or wrong, so he often brought her to places she asked in concession of getting her lost. Tsukki sighed deeply and grudgingly agreed.

The city library was in view. They could see its large rectangular architecture and its imposing glass windows from where they stood. The building looked daunting, but as they walked closer, they could see the comfortable couches and chairs scattered around its interior. A sense of excitement brewed inside of them.

“Kaori, why don’t you just buy the books?” he asked, turning to her. Her family was relatively well-off and her parents were well-read. Surely they see the value of keeping books in their home? He thought about his own book collection at home and how convenient it was.

“We moved around a lot,” she explained, “My mom said it was impractical to buy lots of books when I could just borrow them. Saves us the trouble of having to ship and store them.”

“But when I get my own house, a house where I don’t ever have to move away from again I want my own book shelf that I can fill with my books and trinkets - a place where I can keep books for years and still be able to read the same one.” she beamed. Kaori was so excited at the sight of the building she was almost skipping.

“Having my own bookshelf is pretty great,” he agreed. He liked having his own collection.

Tsukki was struck by the realization that Kaori never had a permanent home and that she actually longed for one. He made a mental note. One day when she finally had her own place, he would save up and get her a bookshelf as a housewarming gift, so that she too could experience the joy of collecting her own books.

As they approached the library steps, a boy in a bicycle rushed past them barely missing Kaori on his way. Kaori stumbled, almost falling out of balance. She hit Tsukki’s shoulder as she got back onto her own feet.

The weight of her shoulder pressed against his arm sent his heart on a rollercoaster and the hairs on his arm stand. Lately he had been feeling awkward and jittery around her and it amplified when she touched him in any capacity. He didn’t know where the feeling came from and he really wished it would stop.

“That was rude,” she huffed, brushing things off.

“Super reckless,” he added, glaring at the boy’s direction and hoping Kaori couldn’t hear how loud his heart was beating.

While Kaori signed up for a library card, Tsukki found a four-seater table that they could share. He waved to Kaori as she wandered into the library holding her new card. She waved back as soon as she saw him and put her things down. He placed his things on the seat of the table near the glass windows while she placed her bag opposite to him.

Tsukki decided to pull out some books on dinosaurs. Kaori headed to the section of English books, but instead she came back with a book on Aichi, Nagoya.

“I got carried away reading it,” she confessed, taking her seat. “Look at those flowers and endless fields. Doesn’t it look amazing for a spring vacation? I could paint there all day!”  

She pointed at the pictures, shoving the book in his face. Tsukki stood up and sat beside her. Kaori’s arms could barely reach him because of the table between them. He pulled up the chair where her bag was and sat beside her.

“I thought you hated being in the thicket.” he whispered, giving her the side-eye, “You make fun for our neighborhood for being a forest under the mountain. This isn’t a city at all!”

“Clearly Aichi is not just a thicket. It’s a pretty thicket with more interesting plant life especially during spring.” she argued, pointing towards a field of yellow flowers.

Tsukki peered over the book to have a closer look at the picture. He became conscious of how close his face was to hers. He could feel her breath at the side of his face and the weight of her gaze on the book. His nose almost touched her cheek. His cheeks warmed the longer he stayed so close to her. He quickly backed away when he realized his cheeks were hot. If Kaori had turned to look at him at that moment, he just knew he would melt in embarrassment.

“Spring is done this year, so maybe you can go next year.” he shrugged, walking back to his seat.

“I’m not in a rush to visit Aichi. I could be when I’m an adult. I just hope to be able to visit someday. My gymnastics schedule is still tight right now. Maybe when I retire.” she said, flipping through the book.

Kaori eventually found her way to the section with English books. She pulled out around ten and narrowed down the five she wanted to borrow. Because Kaori spent some time abroad, her English was better than most local students. Her mother encouraged her to begin reading books in English a year before they began living abroad so that Kaori would be able to read signs and other things by the time they moved. Tsukki borrowed a couple of books on world history that were not among his collection. He liked history, but not enough to buy much books on the topic.

After their trip to the library, they stopped by the convenience store for some snacks. Kaori bought two mini-cartons of croquettes and gave half to Tsukki. The croquette was still warm and its juices flowed when Kaori sank her teeth in. Sometimes she bought Tsukki food to make up for having dragged him into her adventures. That and she wanted to make sure he was eating. Tsukki didn’t have much of an appetite.

They ate as they walked. Neither one of them talked as they walked side by side. The sun began turning orange when they finally reached the station.

When they entered the station, Kaori lost herself in the crowd. Her eyes were searching for which platform to head to when she realized Tsukki was gone. He would know where to go. It was probably the first platform on the right, but he would confirm it for her. She liked to be better than him in many things except for directions. He could be better at that.

She walked deeper into the station where everyone was heading to before they separated into their respective platforms. Kaori made sure to keep pace so as not to bump into anyone.

Tsukki was a human giraffe. He would not be difficult to find. Sure enough she found a tall, relatively slim boy looking left and right beside the ticketing booths, frantically adjusting his glasses. She placed a hand on his elbow. He jolted back to look at her.

“There you are!” she said calmly.

Tsukki sighed in relief. He felt like the past few minutes had made him sweat, in part because the station was warm but also because he thought  Kaori was lost.

“You should walk slower next time. You take really long strides.” she said, pushing him in the direction of the first platform. He looked slightly shaken. Tsukki slowly relaxed and let her walk in front of him. His eyes on her this time. He was so relieved to find her he didn’t retort.

The train they got in was not extremely packed, but wasn’t empty either. All the seats were taken and the two of them stood for the trip home. Kaori picked a spot near the door where she could lean back and read her book. Tsukki stood opposite her. His arms were crossed and his headphones were on.

Kaori felt the gentle shuttling of the train as she lightly bounced against the acrylic stands of the seats. The rhythm calmed her down. She became quickly absorbed with the book in her hand. The rest of her borrowed loot was in a paper bag between her feet. Trains were nice. She wished she could ride them every day to school if they were actually in her route.

Tsukki found it difficult not to be absorbed by Kaori. Her hair had turned into a warm shade of brown and her skin was illuminated by sunset.  He cocked his head to quickly look at her. He wanted to lean forward and stand closer to her, but he was shy and she probably didn’t like him that way, so he stood where he was. He turned to look outside the window and occasionally sneak glances at her through his lashes.

When they got to their home station, Kaori darted for their bikes parked just outside. She dropped her books into her bike’s basket and sighed.

“My back feels really heavy after the acupuncture session.” she stretched a bit bending backwards until she looked like a table. Tsukki felt like his back would snap in half if he tried that stretch.

He followed behind her and placed his books on his basket. They carefully pulled out their bikes and prepared to head back home.

“Probably didn’t help that you borrowed so many books too,” he said, bringing out his own bike from the thicket of bikes.

“My back will get over itself tomorrow anyways,” she said defensively brushing him off.

Tsukki didn’t feel like going home just yet. He wanted to stretch the day just a little longer. The sun was still out albeit setting and there was still time before dinner.

“Let’s drop by the convenience store. I want some popsicles.” he said.

They biked towards the nearest store and Tsukki came out with two popsicles. He handed one to Kaori. They stood with their bikes at the parking of the store. They ate in silence.

“Our Junior High team is having a game sometime in October. You should come. Yamaguchi will be playing too.” he said awkwardly attempting to fill the stillness.

“I’ll go if I don’t have to be competing that weekend.” she promised, licking her popsicle. Kaori liked watching competitions, especially if she was not the one competing.

“When are your fall competitions?” he asked, “Has the Federation said anything? Assignments for the grand prix circuit should be out by now.

“I don’t know the exact dates, but Coach did already announce them. I don’t want to think about them until I actually have to.” she shrugged her shoulders, “It’s summer, I don’t want to think about competing, I just want to have fun!”

Kaori had been thinking about her career next to Tsukki’s. She was competing in the elite level. Aside from finally competing as a senior, there was no place higher for her to go. Gymnasts typically peaked quite early with most women retiring in their twenties or even in their teens.

Tsukki meanwhile was playing at the Junior High level. Currently, he is just starting out on his volleyball career. He had a long way to go before he reached his peak because his sport depended on height, power and experience in contrast to hers which placed a bigger emphasis on smaller body frames.  

“Do you think you’ll play professionally one day?” she asked, “Like in a big gym with crowds cheering after High School?” she asked.

Tsukki is competing on a Junior High level, but one day she imagined him in a professional team playing in center court with posters of his team all over the venue. People would know him by name and know his stats by heart. She wasn’t exactly sure if he could make it to the top tier of the professional division, but playing professionally seemed possible.

“I’m not sure I’m good enough. Who knows? Maybe I’ll quit after High School, maybe I won’t.” he shrugged. He didn’t particularly like volleyball. It was mostly just a club activity he picked up because his brother also played.

“But if you do though…” she trailed.

“Then your first tickets are on me.” he scoffed, biting off the last piece of popsicle from the stick. He doubted he would be good enough.  

“Would you sign it too?” she asked eagerly. When Kaori had the chance to attend international senior events for rhythmic gymnastics, she would ask her idols to sign her program guide or her notebook. She thought it would be cool if they signed her ticket, but she attended these events with a pass (as a fellow athlete) and not a ticket.

“If I really made it to a pro-league, sure. But I’d have to make it in first,” he said skeptically, getting ready to get back onto his bike. A professional career was so far off.

Kaori got on her bike, “Tsukishima, hear me out. I think you could make it. You’re tall and competitive. You have good game sense. You need more training, strength and stamina, but that will come in time. If you get good coaching and more fired up about winning, you will probably get scouted.” She spoke with such confidence. He was dazed by how certain she sounded.

Tsukki turned to her puzzled, “Developing more strength and faster reflexes is an issue I’m kind of dealing with right now. How would you know if I will be scouted? I’m not a stand out player or anything. Don’t be patronizing.”

Kaori tutted with her hands on her hips, “I’m on the Junior National Team remember? That’s right Miyahara Kaori of Team Japan. I know a thing or two about being scouted. I wasn’t a stand out gymnast either but I made it. It’s about working on your weaknesses and building on your strengths. Don’t worry about those Junior High prefectural awards. Not everyone stands out when they’re young. In fact that’s the most recognition some of them will ever get. Make your move in High School.”

They started biking homewards. Tsukki was a little astounded and grateful by Kaori’s belief in him. Could he really make it as a pro-player?

The route back home was nearly empty. They could bike freely on the lanes. Tsukki rode near Kaori, attempting to push her off the bike by poking her. He would ride near her then move away when she started to attack. Kaori fought back by trying to push him off his bike with a book. Although he had a clear advantage because of his long arm Kaori was persistent and quick. She tried to surprise him when she could.

They sparred back and forth until their fingers touched. A buzz of electricity shot through his veins. He tried to remember what it was like to touch her finger. He only remembered the pressure of her finger on his.

Kaori quickly jabbed him on the side and rode off on her own while he was distracted. She stopped at the intersection.

“Hey! That hurt.” he said winced, clutching his side. He pedalled faster to catch up to her. He lowered his eyelids and stared down at her.

“You started it!” she laughed and biked again. He biked to catch up with her.

Kaori was laughing as the wind carried her hair. Her laugh was music to his ears. He smiled to himself when she looked ahead. He was so helplessly crushing to her. He wished the day could extend itself so he could spend a little more time together. Their houses appeared within their view. Tsukki wished they had lived on the next street instead.

——————————————————————————————----

Fall (2018) || Sendai City Gymnasium || Sendai City || 2:00 PM

The Fukushima City Stadium was abuzz for today’s game. The Sendai Frogs, a Division 2 professional volleyball league, were playing a game against the hometown Fukushima Red Warriors. There were lines on the snack counters and people looking for their event’s program sheet. Former volleyball players were chatting in groups just outside the court and families were walking to and fro the hallway.  

Tadashi Yamaguchi headed into the court. He walked into the bleachers to find Kaori Miyahara already seated and browsing through the event profiles. Her hair was down and she was dressed in a denim jacket and a dress. He recognized her even though he could hardly see her face because she was covered by the book. He hardly remembered the last time he saw more than just a glance of her. It seemed so long ago.

Kaori looked mostly the same from her middle school self. She had always been poised and neat with a constant air of dignity about her but there was something different about her this time around. As he climbed the stairs, he felt it was strange to watch a volleyball game in the bleachers with her. It used to be that he was on the court and she was on the bleachers during volleyball games.

“Kaori! Hi…” he said, waving at her.

Kaori waved back and motioned to the empty seat beside her.

“How have you been?” he asked casually, seating himself beside her. He had bought snacks just before he entered the court and offered some onigiri to her. She politely declined.

“I just came off my physical therapy session and rushed here. Tsukki thought I might not make the game because of the travel, but here I am.” she smiled, “How have you been?”

Kaori Miyahara, Tadashi Yamaguchi and Kei Tsukishima went to the same Junior High and High School up until Kaori transferred out during her first year second semester. They were even in the same class in Junior High. Yamaguchi was Tsukishima’s (or Tsukki as they both called him) best friend and volleyball teammate while Kaori was Tsukki’s next door neighbor. She used to attend their games and they did their best to cheer her on in her gymnastics competitions.

“I’m doing well. It’s been a while. Feels a bit strange that we’re on the same side of the bleachers now too.” he nodded.

In the somewhat distant past of Junior High, Kaori would gather up their other classmates who attended their games and turn them into a mini-cheer squad. He still remembered her voice ringing through the court when they scored a point.

“If this feels really strange, maybe you and Tsukki should catch one of my competitions so it will be just like Junior High.” she joked.

Yamaguchi laughed. He remembered afternoons in the local gym when Kaori used to compete in local competitions to warm up for her pre-season. There were not that many competitors from the prefecture and the bleachers were hardly packed, but Kaori always participated to test her routines under competition pressure. It would be one of the few chances for her friends to see her too considering at that time she either competed away from the prefecture or internationally. Tsukki would make him go so that he didn’t attend alone.

Kaori would typically medal on most of her apparatuses and Yamaguchi would cheer with her other friends from school. Tsukki would religiously clap just because he didn’t really cheer.

“We really should. Tsukki’s schedule is always busy with practice, but we really should make time. You mostly compete within the area now, it's a poor excuse not to go.” he nodded in agreement.

“Yeah and Tsukki would complain about going just like old times!” she laughed, remembering many a walk to school where she was coming up for reasons for him to go.

“He would pretend to complain, but he always went.” said Yamaguchi with a knowing smile.

Kaori couldn’t help but grin. It was true. She would invite him and he would grudgingly agree to go, but he never failed to show up, noisemakers and program guide in hand. Just before the court started filling with people, Yamaguchi suggested they move down to the lower seats to get a better view of the game.

They made their way down and chose seats at the visiting team’s side towards the side of the net. Tsukki was the type that didn’t invite people to his games because he felt it added pressure to an already high stakes event. His friends and family often disregarded and went anyway.

The players began warming up. They appeared on the court and some fans cheered the name of individual players. Somewhere behind them, someone yelled “Tsukishima!”

“They look like they’re probably from the university. I can’t believe they travelled here for this.” said Kaori banging her noisemaker, a little surprised ”I didn’t know he had gotten so popular during our time apart.”

Kaori hadn’t watched his games for years. This was Tsukki’s first game of the season. Although technically he was in his second year as a professional player. This was Kaori’s first game since they reconnected towards the end of winter term earlier on this year.

“After we qualified for our first prefectural finals for volleyball, girls started coming up to me to ask about Tsukki. He’s had a following since then.” explained Yamaguchi, turning to her.

“He’s not as good looking as Oikawa, how did that happen?” she asked in confusion. Tooru Oikawa was a player for another school in the prefecture. He was wildly popular among high school girls when they were freshmen for his looks, charm and skill. He almost always had fans waiting for him to arrive at the stadium during matches to give him gifts. He was the type to get fans, not stoic giants like Tsukki.

Yamaguchi chuckled, “I guess girls like tall boys and star players? I don’t really know either, they just said he looked cool.”

“I’ve always wondered if you ever get jealous when girls cheer for him on games.” he added hesitantly.  

“No, not really. Honestly he’s not really into this kind of attention either.” she said, shrugging with ease.

“I’m more interested in Tsukki as a player because he sets up mind games. He finds it fun to strategize. Watching him play is a great way to see how his mind works.” she explained.

Yamaguchi nodded. Kaori’s observations were true. Tsukki was an athlete that did not run on instinct. All his plays were distilled from his observations at court. Yamaguchi was a little jealous that his best friend had found someone who knew how he ticked as an athlete.

“You know when our team was doing in High School I kept thinking of how much you’d enjoy our games. We got really competitive with the top schools. Tsukki really honed his game sense during those years. You would’ve been very proud of him. He wouldn’t admit it, but I think he would have liked you to have seen his growth too.” he reminisced.

Yamaguchi remembered the time in Junior High when Tsukki let slip his crush towards Kaori. It was a week before their match and he had been too nervous to eat lunch.

“Tsukki! I’m so nervous for our game on Saturday I can barely eat lunch.” groaned Yamaguchi, sitting in front of his still wrapped lunch box.

“It’s just a Junior High game, you shouldn’t put so much time worrying about it.” he said, unwrapping his own lunch on his table.

Yamaguchi sighed and threw his head back.

“Is Kaori coming to watch? I think I’d be even more nervous if she brought some of our classmates to watch.” he sighed.

“She’s out competing right now but she said she’ll come to our game next week.” he said, smiling smugly to himself.

The smile did not go unnoticed.

“Tsukki, are you smiling?” asked Yamaguchi.

Tsukki quickly recoiled into a scowl, “No, why would I?”

Yamaguchi began teasing him, “Do you like her? You were definitely smiling!”

Tsukki’s eyes narrowed. He shooed Yamaguchi, “Shut up! That’s not true.” Even if it was kind of true. He continued to frown even though his cheeks were turning a light shade of pink.

“I fully support you!” encouraged Yamaguchi, “She’s a great athlete and she knows how to play volleyball. She’s smart and she’s funny too. Tsukki, she’s perfect for you.”

“If she’s so great, why don’t you ask her out then?” he retorted.

“Because like I said, she’s perfect for YOU.” nodded Yamaguchi with finality, “You should try asking her out before some other boys do.”

When Kaori moved away during High School, Tsukki was beyond crushed. He pretended like it didn’t bother him, but Yamaguchi knew that it was all just a facade.

“I am proud of him. I sometimes catch your games when they’re in Tokyo, you know? Or if there are replays online.” she said, “I’ve always believed in him. When I found out he had been signed onto the Sendai Frogs, I definitely called it.” She smiled. There was an unabashed affection and respect in the way she spoke about him.

“Ughhh, see this is why you’re perfect for him! I was hoping you guys would get together in High School before you moved away. In my mind, you were the perfect sports couple. It’s such a waste Tsukki didn’t make a move then,” sighed Yamaguchi.

“I don’t think he was ready then,” she chuckled, “Besides, I would have turned him down. I knew Tsukki had feelings for me, but I really didn’t feel the same way.”

Yamaguchi’s jaw dropped. He had always thought that she liked him back. The two of them always carved out time during the weekends for each other, not to mention they walked to school almost every day. Kaori put up her hands and waved it from side to side.

“We’re properly dating now though, so everything worked out in the end I guess.” she rambled.

“I guess it’s not completely surprising. Tsukki can be anti-social and thorny. He takes some being used to.” he acknowledged, “It can be difficult to get along with him, much less like him.”

“That’s rich coming from his best friend.” she snorted.

“It’s true though and you know it too.” he said, throwing up his hands.

Kaori reluctantly conceded that it was.

“Which I guess makes you dating him, a bigger mystery really…” he mumbled, his hand on his chin.

Kaori couldn’t help but laugh.

“I think I’ve told you that I’m only half Japanese. It may not mean much to you because you’ve known me for a long time now but when you’re a gymnast who starts vying for the national team, people question your spot because they view you as a foreigner. I wasn’t half white either so I wasn’t even a special kind of happa (term used to refer to half-Japanese people). I was just not Japanese enough to some people.

In fact I like that he never tells me how I should be or what to do. When it wasn’t my Japanese-ness people were questioning, it was the way I ate, the way I talked, it was always not feminine enough or too rough around the edges. Tsukki just expects me to be with me earnestly. He was never fazed by my ethnicity or my femininity.” she shrugged.

The referee’s whistle blew and signalled the captains to shake before the game. The players from the starting order were introduced. Tsukki was one of few in today’s starting line-up who was still in school. It provided Yamaguchi and Kaori a swell of pride to hear his name and jersey number announced.

When the players got into position just before the game started, Tsukki’s eyes wandered in the audience, stopping at the sight of Kaori. She smiled and made a small wave. She made it after all.

After the game ended, fans gathered around players to ask for pictures and autographs. They formed circles around the players, who were later shuffled off to booths for signing. Kaori and Yamaguchi took their time before leaving the stands.

“I usually just wait for people to finish their picture-taking sessions before I approach Tsukki. We’ll be able to talk more with him then.” he said.

“We should have a picture. The three of us! It will be like a class reunion.” she suggested brightly.

Kaori took out her ticket from her wallet and waved it. “I’m going to ask him to sign my ticket too.”

“What for?” he asked. The couple probably saw each other almost every day at school. Couldn’t she ask him to sign then?

“When we were in Junior High, I told him that he should sign my ticket for his first professional game. I mean, I’m like over a year late to his first actual game, but it’s still my first game.” she said.

Yamaguchi nodded in understanding, “When the line gets shorter, we should line up for autographs too! You have the ticket signed and I’ll have my program signed too.” He grinned with a twinkle in his eye.

“He’s going to hate it,” she grinned back, “But let’s do it!”

Yamaguchi and Kaori found the line for the autographs when it began waning. They patiently lined up and chatted until it was their turn (which was not long). Tsukki didn’t have as many fans as they thought he would.

“What are you doing here? I said I would meet with you guys later.” Tsukki looked a little confused and embarrassed. It never ceased to feel weird when people he knew were standing in line.

Yamaguchi peeked from behind Kaori, “We’re working towards an authentic experience for Kaori’s first game. She hasn’t been to any professional games here you know.”

Tsukki tried not to growl at him. He should have known Yamaguchi was going to try to pull this stunt again. Tsukki preferred to meet people he knew after his contractual obligations. Yamaguchi defied his request half the time.  Kaori held up her ticket and handed it to him.

“You said you would sign my first game ticket,” she reminded him.

Tsukki was confused for a moment before his eyes widened at the realization of his promise. He hadn’t taken the promise seriously at that time, but he supposed he still made it.

He pulled a clean piece of paper from under the table and made a makeshift envelope. While he wrote, he used the envelope to cover the ticket as if he was taking a quiz. After he was done, he placed the ticket in an envelope and gave it to her.

“You can read it when you get home.” he said.

Yamaguchi had him sign the program guide as usual.

After Tsukki was “released” as he put it, he went for a quick chat with Kaori and Yamaguchi. They got their picture right before the team was preparing to head back to the bus for their ride home. His coach called for him. He excused himself to join his team.  Yamaguchi and Kaori took the train home together, catching up as they commuted. They too hadn’t seen each other in years.

When Kaori got home, she took out the ticket out of the envelope to see what Tsukki wrote. The ink had been slightly smudged but his writing was still legible.

“This win was because you knew I’d get here. Thank you for believing in me before my scout did. - Tsukishima”

Kaori read his note twice, thrice, four times, savoring her promise that had come true. She tacked the ticket on the cork board above her small desk. Tsukki is always dismissive about other people’s opinion. It hadn’t fully sunk in that he had taken her word from Junior High to heart.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Sato-san, I have a favor to ask.” Tsukki approached his senior hastily.

The Sendai Frogs’ first game in their home city had just ended and fans were just starting to descend from the bleachers. After a few pictures here and there. Tsukki snuck back to the locker room to quickly wipe himself down and put on a jacket without his team logo.

“Tsukki, are you headed back out? Let’s go together.” nudged Seiji Arakawa, one of his team mates.

“I’ll join in a few, you go ahead.” he said, switching from his sports goggles to his regular glasses.

Tsukki had no plans on running back to the Sendai Frog fans just yet. He was headed to Kaori’s competition. Her coach had entered her into her first competition for the fall. She was scheduled to come up in a few minutes. He had already missed her individual qualifiers and hoop individual finals because of his match, he was not going to miss her best event which was the ribbon apparatus. Akira Sato, the vice-captain, stopped him in the hallway. Just his luck!

“Tsukishima, you’re not in your team jacket. Are you trying to sneak off again?” he said, lifting a brow.

Tsukishima stopped dead on his tracks.

“I have to- I got - ribbon finals-“ he stuttered to his senior.

Tsukki guiltily gritted his teeth, “Please Sato-san, it will just be a few minutes. The performance will last less than two minutes. I’ve already missed some events. This is the last one.”

“Please cover for me.” he pleaded. Tsukki was not one to plead, but he was getting desperate.

Sato patted him at the back, “The game’s over now so you can go. In fact you got me really curious so I’ll go with you!” Sato smiled and ran by Tsukki’s side.

They passed a few team mates on the hallway on their way to Court C, where Kaori’s competition was held and Sato managed to invite them to come watch with them including Seiji.

“I think Tsukishima’s gymnast girlfriend is competing! Let’s go cheer her on guys.” he called out.

“Sato-san—“ said Tsukki, mortified. Thank god they weren’t in the public halls. He would have died of embarrassment.

“With all due respect to the sport and organizers Tsukki, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of people in that court. We have to bring our own cheer squad.” he said, winking.

A few of them were approached by fans as they passed the part of the city gymnasium that was open to the public, but most of them made it into the darkened court where Kaori’s was performing. They had gotten there just in time to see her walk in after her name was called out. Seiji, who managed to snag a program guide on the way, looked up the time slot to see who was performing. The vice captain captain quickly seated everyone at the rows nearest to the exit. The team clapped on cue following Tsukki’s lead when Kaori settled into her starting pose.

“Tsukishima said something about ribbons,” said Sato, reading the guide with Seiji.

“What’s her last name?” said Konegawa trying to read through the program guide in the dark, peering over Seiji’s shoulder, “Miya something right?”

“She’s not really my girlfriend - ” Tsukki interjected.

“Oh, competing for the Sendai University team. You two go to the same university. It’s her, isn’t it?” confirmed Seiji, pointing at the guide.

“Miyahara Kaori sounds like the name they just announced, must be her.” said Konegawa, scanning through the guide to see if there was a name just like hers.

“Only cheer when the routine is over. If we cheer too loudly during the performance, they might get distracted.” he snapped.

Tsukki felt hot in the face and folded his arms. He shot a dirty look at Akira Sato, who only chuckled and turned his eyes onto the floor where all the lights were pointed.

As soon as Kaori began her routine, the team behaved themselves. It was a traditional Japanese folk song recomposed as a classical music piece expanded through chords in the style of classical music. The piece began with the familiar opening melancholic notes of the original song.

The music progressed to undulating waves, emulating the rise and fall of a cool spring breeze. The pace picked up a couple minutes in, whipping petals that were frolicking in the wind. The petals basked in a state of in-between. They had fallen off their branches, but they had not yet touched the ground. Although the music was steadily building, a segment of the piece devoid of its thick chords played with gentle, tingling notes. The piano sounded like hope.

The piece brought Tsukki back into his Modern Art class where he saw Kaori in his classroom for the first time. The utter shock of seeing her after three years washed over him as he stood at the doorway. She was completely unconscious of him, going over her syllabus in her own desk. The sight of her filled him renewed hope. For a moment, all the pain he had felt about her sudden departure erased itself.

Tsukki walked around in shock for two days. He felt as if he had been wandering around the campus, unable to focus on any task at hand. He couldn’t believe it. She was back and she seemed happier too. He had prayed to the gods. He pleaded that if they truly listened to the prayers of mortals, they would hear him, that they would keep Kaori safe and that he would be able to see her again. He was beyond overjoyed that his prayers were answered.

Kaori responded beautifully to the music jumping to the swells and catching her ribbon to the correct beat of the music. He watched her. He couldn’t help feeling like the piece was about her return. His mind ran through the memory of seeing her in class again, reliving his joy and relief.

The team was completely enamored. They gasped when she leaped and threw her ribbon. They oohed and ahed when she did any of her spins and standing splits. When she finished there was a moment of dead silence. It was as if the entire audience held their breath, unable to believe that the routine was over. Tsukki was quiet too. The silence slowly transported him back to the audience.The ambient noise of the court had melted off and he could only look at her softly.

The team clapped and cheered enthusiastically when they realized the routine ended.

“She’s so good!” commented Seiji to Tsukki.

“That was so beautiful, Miyahara-san!” yelled Konegawa.

Kaori squinted in their direction during her bows. Tsukki felt obliged to unfold his arms and wave at her sheepishly. He could die of embarrassment right now. His team mates cheered even louder. He wanted to bury himself onto the ground. After she exited, the team quickly scrambled back outside to meet fans and do a bit of press.

Sato urged everyone to not say anything about where they went until they hit the bus. He didn’t want their coach in a foul mood just yet and besides it was unlikely that they would notice where the went anyways because they were only gone for 10 minutes.

“Thank you for doing this Sato-san,” bowed Tsukki as they jogged back.

Sato jogged in contemplative silence, replying to Tsukki a few seconds later.

“No, thank you Tsukishima. That was very beautiful. You were right to want to see it. I won’t forget her performance any time soon.” he said in a hushed voice.

“She’s hoping to perfect the program for her spring competitions.” he nodded gratefully, Tsukki was surprised by Sato’s reaction. It wasn’t just him who was moved. Hopefully his vice-captain would help him sneak out again should he need to.

“If she’s competing again sometime in spring, when the sakura are ready to bloom, I would like to see that performance again. If you don’t mind,” Sato added.

Before they began loading the bus, Konegawa saw a gymnast with the Sendai University varsity uniform walk around flowers in hand medals around her neck taking pictures with a young fan. He nudged Sato and asked him if that was indeed Miyahara-san. Sato approached her and asked her for her name. When they confirmed it was indeed her, they called over their other team mates who watched her perform to congratulate her.

“Miyahara-san, we loved your performance! It was so cool! I’ve never seen anything like it before.” cried Konegawa.

“Excuse him,” apologized Sato at Konegawa’s casualness, “We loved your performance. We hope you could allow us to congratulate you.”

The team flocked Kaori. Tsukki was more than mortified at the sound of Konegawa’s public announcement. They asked for a quick photo with Kaori. She found it hilarious when they dragged Tsukishima into the photo against his will. His eyes were wide with panic when Sato pushed him to the front for the picture.

Kaori excused herself and ran back into her bus. The whole situation amused her and she had no idea how it came to be. Tsukki promised to try to catch at least one event even though she had said it was alright that he missed her competition. In her mind she imagined him sneaking out on his own. It was totally unexpected that his team would involve themselves into the ordeal. Nevertheless she was quite touched that he had showed up like he promised. She was so excited that he had seen her at her best event that she could hardly sleep on the way home.

On the bus back to the Sendai Frog’s home gym, members of the team that had watched Kaori gathered around Tsukki to interrogate him about Kaori.

“How did you meet her?” asked Seiji.

“She moved into the house beside ours during Junior High. She moved out during High School.” he answered.

“Ohmygod, you’re childhood sweethearts!” squealed Konegawa, with his hand on his heart. Despite his towering height, Konegawa had a happy-go-lucky nature and was a softie. He loved tropes like childhood sweethearts.  

“No, well actually she moved away during High School. She moved back to do college gymnastics during college.” clarified Tsukki. They certainly did not date during High School.

“You mentioned she had a team…can you ask her to introduce us to her team? I bet they’re also graceful fairies! I’ve always wanted to date a gymnast. That would be so cool! We could watch each other’s competitions.” waxed another teammate.

“I mean Tsukki didn’t exactly get to watch her and she missed his entire game because she had her own competition. If you wanted to date someone who would always be at your games, maybe you should look for someone else.” said Seiji, calmly scrolling on his phone on the chair opposite to Tsukki.

At the front of the bus, Sato sat beside their captain, Koki Hino. He turned to their vice-captain and asked what the commotion was about. Sato skimmed through the events of the day and mentioned that Tsukishima’s girlfriend was in the stadium and some of the members had met her.

“Tsukishima has a girlfriend? Did I hear that right?” said Hino, shaking his head in disbelief. He had suspected that some of his teammates had girlfriends, but Tsukishima was not one of them.

“I was surprised too!” laughed Sato, “Although if we’re being honest everyone is equally shocked.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was 2 am in the morning. Kaori had just woken up. After she got home from her competition, she only had enough energy to eat dinner and take a quick shower before falling asleep on her tatami floor. She checked the time on her phone. The dishes were still on the table and she hadn’t even laid out her futon bed. She got up, washed the dishes and unfurled her bed.

Her phone buzzed with a message from Tsukki, “Can’t sleep, let me know if you’re up.”

Kaori: I’m up finishing some chores.

Tsukki: Can I call?

Kaori hesitated. She put her dishes on the rack. She put on her headphones and tucked herself in between the blankets.

Kaori: Sure. What’s the matter?

Tsukki quietly rolled out of his bed and put on a warm jacket. He headed outside making sure to close the bedroom door carefully as to not wake his brother up. He dialed her number and waited for her to pick up. He was speaking in hushed tones.

“Hey, Kaori,” he said.

“Tsukki, are you still in your bedroom? You sound like your whispering. ” she said, unconsciously hushing her tone.

“No, I’m outside the bedroom but still inside the house.” he replied, “Anyways, I can’t stop thinking about your solo ribbon performance and the music you used. I don’t know why.”

Tsukki placed himself the furthest away from the bedroom door, which was the corner of the house with the telephone. Unbothered by how cold the living room was with the heater turned off, he sat crouched by his brother’s bookshelf.

“Today was an especially good competition day.” she admitted.

“Everything I did was going super well, even I knew I could feel that I was balanced and in control of my apparatus.” she nodded, thinking back to how she was hyper-aware of all her performances but without the usual nerves.

“What made you choose that rendition of Sakura, Sakura?” he asked.

“I’m a big fan of Belle Chen. I download all her new releases. Hearing this piece though was a totally soul-stirring experience. I was so moved when I first heard it. That bit in the end where it slows down, picks up then swells? I was crying when I first truly sat down to listen to it. Tears were just pouring. The experience was so visceral.” her voice rang with fervor. It was like she was reliving the first time she heard it. He could almost feel her hairs stand on the back of her neck as she spoke.

“Later, I thought it would be neat to show up to my later spring competitions  with Sakura themed-music so there was that too.” she added, cheekily.

“You looked so ethereal during your routine. It was unlike any of your performances I’ve caught.” he breathed slowly, replaying her performance in his head.

“I feel like the music captured the last few years for me you know…? At the end of High School, I thought I had exhausted all my good experiences from gymnastics. I had recovered from my injuries by then and I was even winning some local competitions, but I was ready to move on.

Sendai University made an offer. I was ready to turn it down, but my coach asked me to give my career a shot one last time. I told her I was exhausted. Trying to get back all my difficult skills from when I competed as an elite-level junior had worn me to the ground. I just wanted to dance without feeling like a former shadow of myself.

She said she would work with what I had. No more adding of skills unless I wanted to. I could have more say in my choreography and music. Japanese coaches tend to emphasize on repetitions. Coach has trained abroad so I guess she had a more liberal philosophy to her work. I agreed to come back to Miyagi after that and the rest is history.” she said wistfully.

“I used to think that Sakura was about the impermanence of beauty. It bloomed and then it was blown away, kind of like my career, but listening to the piece reminded me that endings open up new beginnings. I could still find joy in gymnastics even though I was not the gymnast I was. I could still be happy living in Sendai even when it was here that I had experienced many pains. I’m so glad I came back, Tsukki. And her music reminds me of that every time I listen to it.” her voice went quiet.

Tsukki felt slightly taken aback by how Kaori spoke about herself. Although she no longer competed at the elite level, she was still competitive locally. He hated to think that she peaked as an elite junior and implying that the lack of difficulty in her routine made her a lesser athlete.

“I mean you were not as technical, but it’s not like you aren’t better than before. You’re competing more freely because you’re not constantly on the brink of injury. You’re not pressured to keep a certain weight as much. Also, you’re closing out your career with an equally passionate team. You’ve spent six years in high school competing against everyone else. Isn’t this more fun way to discover your love for gymnastics?

You moved the entire audience. They forgot to clap because of you. Everyone was in awe. Competing in the elite is not the end all be all of your career. Aren’t you much happier now?”

Kaori was quiet on the other line, “You’re right. I guess I am better now and healthier and happier. Competing in college is great. I chose Sakura, Sakura you know. This would never have happened in high school.”

“So is your comeback the memory you’d place with this piece?” he asked.

She shook her head. He could hear the rustling of her hair against the phone. “I don’t want to attach a memory to this piece just yet because I don’t think the memory that is right for this has come yet. Maybe the memory isn’t completed yet. I don’t know I want to save it for the future.”

“While listening to this piece, do you have a memory that you would score this piece to?” she asked. By the way he talked, it seemed that he had a strong memory already attached to the music.

Tsukki contemplated in silence before he answered. “After you left, I had a dream while I was still in High School that you had come back. Just before the winter started, I had that dream again,” he gulped and felt the weight of his words as he swallowed, ignoring pounding in his chest.

“When I went into our first class during winter term, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw you in the room. We lived our high school careers completely away from each other and now we’re here again. Beginnings and endings were part of a cycle, and I was beginning again.”

When Tsukki saw Kaori, he wanted to yell of joy, pain and relief. He walked around in shock and disbelief for two days. Despite his real feelings, he wanted to maintain a facade of indifference.

“You go here now?” were his first words to her. It was like nothing had happened as he settled on a desk beside her.

“I couldn’t believe it. I thought I must be dreaming.” he said, shaking his head.

“I was so happy that you were back and healthy. I couldn’t care less if you were with someone else or whatever. It was like all this time you were gone I couldn’t breathe and you just sitting there made me realize how much I worried about you. I was so relieved just to be able to see you.” Tsukki realized he was rambling, but he had bottled up for so long. The words were pouring out his mouth like a release.  

There was a moment of silence before Kaori spoke up again.

“Have you ever been upset that I’ve ruined your peace by coming back?” she asked curiously in a hushed voice.

“Of course not. I would never say no to you coming back to my life.” he said earnestly. 

“That’s very kind of you.” she said softly.

“No, I mean it. It was devastating when you left, but I was also too young to know how to help you if you had stayed. Besides Tokyo seems great, I wouldn’t want to deprive you of your time there.” he smiled to himself. 

Towards the end of her time in Miyagi back then, a cloud constantly weighed over Kaori. She tried to hide it yet Tsukki easily saw through it. Kaori was silent on the other line. What he said was true. He wouldn’t know how to help her through her ordeals at that time, but his earnestness of his well wishes surprised her. She had hurt him and yet his biggest worry about her safety and health. 

“Are ever you worried that happiness - this happiness we’re feeling now is impermanent?” she asked, “Aren’t you scared you don’t know if all this will suddenly disappear?”

Tsukki’s joy at her return was plain of course. However, if things won’t pan out well between them she feared that he would have been through an emotional rollercoaster for nothing. Tsukki nodded. He realized she couldn’t see him so he answered yes.

“All the time,” he murmured. “I’m scared because I don’t know how this will last, but I’m so glad you’re back. I can’t even begin to describe the happiness I feel even if that means I have something to lose again.” he swallowed hard. 

Kaori could feel his fear, his ecstasy, his anxieties and his hope rushing through her veins as she listened to him over the phone. She hated to hear the distress in his voice. 

“Kei, I said I’m not going anywhere soon, ok? I’ll tell you when I have to go this time so you can come with me. I’m so sorry, please don’t cry.” she pleaded.

“I never thought we’d get to this point, where I get to see you when you come back.” he was choking up. The dryness in his throat cracked his voice.

“I could hold your hand right now...” she whispered, intently listening to him.

“Hey, don’t be sad…we have many springs to score right? The one this year has passed, but we have the one next year and the year after that and so on…and we can go to Aichi, Nagoya some day.” she rambled, trying to cheer him up.

“And live in a house where we won’t have to move so you can have your own bookshelf.” he said softly.

“We’ll do just that.” she whispered, nodding in silence.

“I love you…so so much…” his expression softened. He closed his eyes as he felt his tears warm his face. He could hear her steady breathing on the phone.

When Kaori first met Tsukki, he was just her next door neighbor. She had never imagined that she would spend every morning walking to school or endless afternoons running around Miyagi. Kaori moved many times during her living but leaving Miyagi had been the hardest. Signing her contract with the university filled her with apprehension and excitement, knowing that she might see him again. And here they were now calling in the middle of the night, in between spring competitions toiling away in their fall season just as they did when they were younger.

When Kaori finally put down the phone, she briefly glanced at the ticket with his signature on the cork board and today’s medals on her desk. When she gets her own bookshelf, those have to make it into the trinkets section too.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deleted scene:

He thought back to his dream where he was walking along the hallways of Karasuno High School on his way back to the classroom from the canteen. His left hand was throbbing in pain. During his prefectural’s final match, he injured himself while blocking a spike but earned his team’s ticket to Nationals. His hand had been feeling better, but his pain reminded him that he had not healed. Before he steps foot into the classroom, Kaori from the next class appears. He stops his steps.

“Tsukki, how is your hand?” she asks.

He weaves his way into his seat and sets his lunch down on his desk. She follows him and pulls a chair to sit across him. He glances at his hand, his pinky was still taped, splintered with his ring finger. The tape was running across his wrist and over his hand to protect his dislocated finger.

He nodded, “It’s getting better though, thanks for asking.” He looks down on his desk, suddenly bashful.

“Good luck with Nationals. It’s going to be great. Everyone’s so excited for the team.” she said. She takes his hand into hers and gently inspects his injury. Her other hand moves to cover his hand.

Tsukki holds her right hand between his hands. His heart was beating a hundred miles a second. He was nervous as hell. He kept his eyes on her hand. People were staring - he was so sure of it he didn’t even need to look up. He just wanted to be able to keep holding her. His heart beat faster and faster. Just as he has the courage to look up into her eyes. He wakes up. Tsukki was too embarrassed to tell her the entirety of his recurring dream. His cheeks turned pink just at the thought of it.

[crossdressingdeath]

I think you're totally right and opened my eyes about stans treating JC leading the Wens away from WWX as his only in chara action and building their understanding of him from that when it was pretty much the exception compared to JC usual self-centredness and disregard of what happens to others, even to people close to him, as he barely hesitated before leaving WWX to his doom alone with a gravely injured man in the Xuanwu cave but still wanted plaudits from JFM for going back to get help(1/8

but like, walking really fast (another strike against the idea that JFM exceedingly favored WWX over JC). He did that one good thing, he wanted to try being a hero like WWX but realized the terrible price to pay for it, a price WWX was ready to pay each time, realized that there are things worse than death (losing his GC) and it broke him, so he's now seething when WWX takes the courageous "single plank in the dark" choice again and again, involuntary underlining in JC head how JC tried(2/8

doing it and couldn't bear it, coming 2nd here too. This sacrifice was OOC for JC and it's the whole point!That his jealousy and absence of trust in the goodness of WWX character weakened their bond and allowed for WWX fall, that his anger and inability to let go condemned him to push away people who cared for him just as YZY did and to WWX cutting all ties, that's the point too! But no, fandom goes, JC is so so full of love, sometimes he says bad things but he can't help it the poor dear(3/8

he just needs proof that he always comes first for WWX (by letting the Wens die, I suppose, I never understood that line of reasoning tbh, too much mental gymnastics and I'm bad at sports) meanwhile the author goes and here is JC with the title Sandu Shengshou, the master of the Three Buddhist Deadly Sins of delusion, anger and greed lol Even the whole JC tirade in Guanyin is not all about the consent the fandom always harps about or regret about not taking different decisions had he known (4/8

about WWX sacrifice because he has zero regrets and I'm sure he would do everything he has done since the fall of LP the same way again, but only about WWX besting him with his courage (the hero complex part), cutting JC usual avenue of blaming all things wrong with his life on WWX (the not taking responsibility by way of the reveal part) and also removing credit from JC achievements as the GC was WWX's. Which wasn't even WWX's reasoning, he never blamed JC once in his life for anything! (5/8

WWX explains that he has hidden the truth as a further sacrifice so JC can enjoy his new golden core with peace of mind and not think that WWX bested him again or that he owes WWX (such an abusive dynamic). I also never got the puzzlement in the fandom about why in that scene JC never mentions leading the Wens away to WWX? Outside of the fact that hopefully he's growing up and learning to let go, it's mainly pride because talking about it will again paint him in a lesser light compared to(6/8

WWX who looked at him and said that of course, I'll gladly give my core to you while JC couldn't find enough meaning and love for WWX for his involuntary GC core sacrifice to be worth it. Like the single thing that set me against any reconciliation is not even the cliff scene, but exactly that moment when JC learns about the GC and proceeds not to care about all the things in addition to the GC WWX risked and lost to give him that gift and just rants about how that made him feel. It's not(7/8

even the verbal abuse, but this single moment of total absence of empathy that made me think with 100% certitude that whatever their shared past is, WWX will be better without JC in his life. My whole issue is not even with WWX sacrificing things which can be a part of love (though giving his GC is definitely born of abuse), but giving and giving in a relationship and never getting anything back, be it support or understanding, unlike the relationship WWX has now with LWJ or even WN(8/8 

I actually got the entire thing for once! It’s a miracle!

My theory for the whole thing where JC leads the Wens away from WWX and then never risks anything for him again is that... Well, JC does occasionally speak up for WWX when YZY is screaming at him, doesn’t he? And the worst he gets from that is a few harsh words. And he chases dogs away! At zero risk to himself, because the dogs aren’t dangerous, WWX just has severe cynophobia. JC is used to being able to “defend” WWX without any consequences. He’s used to being able to get WWX’s praise and gratitude and put him in JC’s debt without any actual risk to himself. Then he leads the Wens away from WWX and learns that... actually, defending WWX can have serious consequences. It could cost him everything. And he decides that WWX isn’t worth that. Now, to give him a little credit, it is possible he didn’t want to lose this last remaining member of his family... but the point still stands that once he learned that standing up for WWX could have serious consequences, he never did it again.

And yeah, he was really quick to leave WWX in the Xuanwu’s cave; maybe he told himself that he was going to get help (which he did, to be fair, even if it was almost too late), but he did cut and run almost the second WWX suggested it. Just like later, when he kicks WWX out of the Jiang sect and stabs him when WWX suggests separating him from the sect, without really arguing against it. If I had to guess, I’d say JC likes having the excuse of “Well, it’s all WWX’s fault really because it was his idea, never mind that I didn’t have to go along with it and could’ve argued or straight up refused!”

Also, I’m pretty sure JC didn’t mean to sacrifice anything for WWX when he led the Wens off. Remember that thing I said the other day about how a sect heir with an exaggerated view of his own abilities is a dead sect heir? Yeah. JC was raised by YZY to believe that he was WWX’s equal and JFM was being super unfair by heaping praise on WWX and ignoring his totally equally skilled son. I’m pretty sure he thought he was skilled enough to take care of the Wens and then come back, and given the way he completely shut down the risk of losing his golden core to WZL (who he knew was in the area!) didn’t even occur to him. And then when it came to it... he just wasn’t good enough. His cultivation and martial ability weren’t enough to beat the Wens; he might have been better off alerting WWX to the danger and giving them both a chance to run, or fight together. It wasn’t some huge sacrifice for WWX’s sake, it was a vast overestimation of his skills that led to him taking on a fight he couldn’t win instead of cutting his losses and just running with WWX. Remember also, JC wanted to go back and fight the Wens to the point that WWX’s assumption all the way through the story was that JC left him to go back to Lotus Pier. Who’s to say his “sacrifice” wasn’t just him seeing an excuse he could give himself that would allow him to fight Wens?

And... you know, I always forget that the reason WWX didn’t tell JC about the golden core transfer was so that JC wouldn’t be all upset about WWX showing him up. It was about not upsetting JC, but not because JC would feel awful about costing WWX so much. WWX, who tries so hard to see only the good in JC, thought that JC’s primary concern on learning that WWX had sacrificed his cultivation for him would be that WWX was better than him. How fucked up is that, that WWX felt he had to hide such a huge thing from his own family for years, not even just saying “Oh yeah, WZL destroyed my golden core when he captured me” or otherwise giving an explanation for why he can’t cultivate anymore, because JC would throw a tantrum about being second best if he knew? WWX had to suffer through everyone, including his family, calling him rude and arrogant for refusing to cultivate properly or carry a sword because if he told even part of the truth his brother would whine about being shown up. He couldn’t even admit to losing his golden core, because when JC lost his he shut down completely, whereas WWX invented an entirely new form of cultivation so he could keep being useful.

And I never actually considered that aspect of JC not mentioning him leading the Wens off and getting captured; if he says that now, he’ll once again be second best because he couldn’t deal with the consequences of that risk, while WWX knew full well what he was getting himself into. I’m still not sure why he didn’t say anything before, though. JC, passing up such a golden opportunity to guilt WWX into staying by his side? Strange and OOC. Maybe he decided the fall of Lotus Pier was enough, or that it wouldn’t have enough impact since WWX gave up his “chance to get something from BSSR” by allowing JC to take his place. Who knows.

JC’s reaction to learning about the sacrifice is... very much not the reaction of a man learning his beloved older brother gave up something that huge for his sake. It’s all about him, how it makes him feel, how he can’t be the best now because he was using WWX’s infinitely more powerful golden core... He does not care that WWX gave up everything for his sake. He doesn’t care that it left WWX all but defenceless in a war because JC’s happiness was more important than his own safety, or that it led to WWX being thrown into the Burial Mounds, or that he was forced to turn to creating demonic cultivation in order to survive. It doesn’t matter to JC that he spent years unknowingly pouring salt in the wound by constantly getting on WWX’s case for not carrying his sword, not training the disciples, not cultivating properly. No, it’s all about JC and how it makes him feel that there’s now no way for him to surpass the brother he never would’ve been able to surpass anyway. It’s just so incredibly selfish and self-centred, and I do not understand people who say JC’s reaction to the transfer speaks to some failing on WWX’s part. JC is angry at WWX for giving too much, but not because he didn’t ask; it’s only because JC will now spend the rest of his life in second place.

[twoflipstwotwists]

At only 19 years old, author, Dancing with the Stars winner, and Olympic gymnast Laurie Hernandez has accomplished an unbelievable amount in high-stress environments. All with a smile on her face. But it hasn’t always been easy.

Laurie entered the world stage during the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro with the famed U.S. ‘Final Five’ gymnastics team. She left Rio with gold and silver medals, and earned a reputation of having one of the most positive attitudes and expressive faces in gymnastics.

She’s become a symbol of optimism, determination, and kindness, and continues to inspire people across the world. And as our very first IDONTMIND Ambassador, Laurie is leading by example and opening up about her own mental health with the hope of inspiring other people to do the same.

We chatted with Laurie about overcoming her anxiety during competitions, working through depression post-Olympics, and figuring out how to take care of her mental health while in the spotlight.

IDONTMIND: So how’s your mental health today? Laurie: I mean, it's okay! I'm a little bit anxious after taking time off from training after the Olympics. I’m diving right back into a really high level of gymnastics. I’m just trying to get everything back, but it's also mixed with excitement. It's going to be a whirlwind of a year.

IDM: Would you mind sharing your mental health journey with us? Laurie: I grew up in a house where feelings were always something that we talked about. My mom is a social worker and my sister just became a therapist. Since I was little, I had natural nerves before competing. My mom was always a really big help before competing – I’d tell her ‘My legs felt like jello, my hands are shaking, I want to sit in the corner and cry.’ She would give me different ways to help with that, and the older I got, the more I found it really helpful. Even just throughout the Olympics, I would call her crying, and she was like, ‘Okay, this is normal. We've done this before. Take a deep breath.’

Throughout gymnastics, I saw sports psychologists here and there, and that was also really helpful. It was nice to just have someone to talk to about things like, ‘Hey, this is how I feel before I'm competing. Is this normal? How do I deal with it?’ And talking to someone about it was kind of the first step into understanding how my brain works when I'm nervous.

I took two years off from gymnastics after the Olympics, and that was a really big change. I went from training seven, eight hours a day and eating super healthy to not training at all and eating whatever I wanted. I watched my body change. That was really scary for me because there's this high pyramid of the ideal body types for gymnastics and what you're supposed to look like. It was already being judged when I was in competition shape, and now that I wasn't competing or doing the sport, I was watching myself change. And that kind of kick-started it.

I was already dealing with some depression during gymnastics on and off. But during those two years it just snowballed. It was just a hectic two years of constantly traveling, even though I wasn't really training. And then coming back to gymnastics, as interesting as it was, is kind of how I started healing.

I ended up talking to a regular therapist, not sports-related. And that changed everything. My mom had always told me, ‘Hey, you're Laurie who just so happens to be a gymnast, you're not Laurie the gymnast.’ So having someone to talk to – not about gymnastics, but about me personally – was really helpful.

Now, here I am today. I'm doing gymnastics and I’m dealing with it.

IDM: What are you most focused on right now? Laurie: Currently, training is really the number one priority. I'm training full-time, six days a week and about five hours a day. The next big step will be in November at a training camp. That's kind of my first appearance back for gymnastics. So that’s going to be a big stepping stone that will lead into another camp in January. That will snowball into, hopefully, international competitions early next year.

IDM: What are your go-to self-care rituals? Laurie: It definitely took a second to find what works me. If I'm really anxious, I have too much energy, so I feel the need to maybe go for a run or at least drive somewhere. Just get out and go. I just got my driver's license, so lately it's been me just driving anywhere and then figuring out my way home.

And then dealing with depression, there comes a point where you don't want to do anything, so it's about finding a way to relax. It's really just being in tune with how I'm feeling and what I might need at the moment. Is it that I have to get moving or do I have to take it easy and take my time moving through things?

IDM: Your nickname is ‘The Human Emoji’ because of the expressive faces you always have during your routines. What emoji describes how you're feeling on a good mental health day? Laurie: On a good mental health day it would be the new emoji where it's smiling with its mouth closed and it's got hearts all over. On the good days, I just want to be there for other people. I want to help. I want to do things. I want to go outside. I want to have a really good workout.

IDM: What emoji describes you on a not so good mental health day? Laurie: The not so good mental health days, it would probably be the emoji with the zipper as the mouth because, when I do feel that way, it's not my first instinct to talk about it. Speaking up doesn't come naturally. It still feels a bit unnatural!

IDM: Everyone talks about your infectious smile. Does being a face of positivity and happiness across the world make it easier or harder to discuss your mental health? Laurie: Oh man. It's kind of 50/50. When I’m in front of the screen, and even just competing for gymnastics or doing events that millions of people can see, there's a natural joy that comes from it. When I'm smiling and I'm radiating that joy, it’s because I truly feel it.

Unfortunately, on the days where I am having a rough go at it, that's what people still expect from me. Sometimes I can't give 100%, and I’ll see a question mark above some people's heads. ‘What's going on? Why isn't she all the way up?’ It's a tough persona to uphold. I think communicating about it with my family, my friends, and everybody who I work with has been really helpful. But I love that my claim to fame is being positive, and at the end of the day, that’s what I want to put out there.

IDM: Are there people that you always turn to whenever you feel like you're struggling? Laurie: I think my go-to person is probably my sister. I feel very comfortable letting her know how I feel. And she always has pretty much the perfect response for it. I don't know if it's because she studied for that or because she's my sister and she knows me like nobody else does. But she always knows the right thing to say. She was the one always encouraging me to go and talk to someone about it, even if it wasn't her, and encouraging me to try something new so that way I could feel better.

I think that it's so important to have a go-to person. They don't see you as your lows. They see you as a person, but they're there for your lows if you have them.

IDM: Tell us about your limited-edition IDONTMIND tee. What inspired the design? Laurie: There was a point where I just couldn’t pick myself up. Looking back now, it was actually a big mental health moment for me. I finally opened up to my mom about it, and she just hugged me for a long time and then she said, ‘You have to go through it, to grow through it.’ That has stuck with me, even years later.

When I was designing my shirt, I knew immediately that I wanted flowers to be a part of it. Flowers are something that always make me feel connected to my parents and connected to making sure that I'm taking care of myself. Even if I'm having a rough mental health day, I’ve still got to water my plants, because they need it.

It came from the idea that your mind and your body need you to take care of them. They are things you need to go out of your way to take care of. It’s just saying ‘Take care of your mind as you would take care of anything else.’

IDM: What does being an IDONTMIND Ambassador mean to you? Laurie: I mentioned to my mom that I had this interview with IDONTMIND and I was nervous about it. I know my gymnastics story inside out, I talk about it all the time. It's something that's always asked about. But mental health is not one of those things. And I was worried that I was oversharing. Is it factual? Am I venting? What’s the difference? And my mom was just kind of guiding me through that. She was like, ‘You know, I think this is a wonderful opportunity to share your story. You've done all these awesome things, but you still have things that you struggle with. It shows other people that they can still do it too, even though they're feeling this way.’

That snowballed into a two-hour conversation. My mom opened up, and there were a lot of things where she said, ‘You know, I haven't shared this with anybody.’ That all started with us talking about IDONTMIND. It made our bond even stronger. And it was because we opened the door to talk about mental health, and that wasn't something that was quite open for her before.

So thank you. Because that means the world to me above anything else.

—

Laurie’s limited edition IDONTMIND tee is available for preorder through Friday, December 6. 100% of the proceeds support IDONTMIND, an official program of Mental Health America.