#the improvement actually impresses me
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Redraw of an extremely old piece of art/my hella late gift for UT's 9th anniversary :]
⏬Older version under the cut! Probably somewhere from 2017ish⏬
Quality's pretty bad since I have NO idea where the original file is
#undertale#chara undertale#frisk undertale#asriel undertale#chara dreemurr#asriel dreemurr#undertale 9th anniversary#the tragedy of bein in uni is missing out on fandom anniversaries & not makin stuff in time for them BUT ey on the brighter side ->#the improvement actually impresses me#still learning how to render but i think i'm actually finding a render style now
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#i think it's almost universally agreed that the show antagonists are improvements upon the book versions across the board#so i'm curious to see how the votes on this will fall!#wot#wot on prime#the wheel of time#i for one am soooooooo torn#but i think i might actually have to go with dain#because i basically don't even REMEMBER him in the books that's how boring he was#you could not have paid me to give a single shit about him or any of the whitecloak drama in perrin's plotline#so to go from that to me feeling deeply compelled by the show version and very excited to see this storyline in s3?#that's a pretty impressive glowup
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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Wanted to draw a bit of isolation, I need to do slice of life more often
#eggs can art#danganronpa#drthh#makoto naegi#so weird to have so little to tag#this was like#genuinely therapeutic to draw#I think I've been getting myself a little too worked up about these. the only reason I started posting every other day was just to keep#myself going and to give myself an easy way to watch my improvement but like. I unno. It almost feels like a Job now#not saying I plan on going on a hiatus anytime soon I absolutely adore creating and doodling and sharing my thoughts and actually having#people who will Listen but like. it kinda started to feel more like an obligation than something I do for fun. this doodle set felt a lot m#ore comfortable to make. nobody to consider and nobody to try and impress. just me and my favorite character. living life.#I think I'm going to try and draw more like that#I want to make something colored next time so we'll see#I really wanna draw him cooking :]
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Emilie Kouatchou as Christine Daaé
Ben Crawford as The Phantom
Paul A Schaefer as Raoul de Chagny
Broadway, December 8th 2022, 2pm
#Phantom Of The Opera#POTO#POTO Broadway#Christine Daae#The Phantom#Raoul de Chagny#Emilie Kouatchou#Ben Crawford#Paul A Schaefer#I am so in love with Emilie's Christine 😍❤️#I feel like every time I see her she's even better!#I would also like to report that Paul's Raoul has noticeably improved#His Notes II on this night actually had me like 😲 I was pretty impressed!#He's still not meeting my expectations vocally but his acting has gotten better in most scenes#Enough for me to say I don't fully dislike his Raoul which is something!
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......... who's gonna tell him ... .. ill do it @markiplier
#IM KIDDING ALKJNFGADFBG IM SORRY MARK BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NAMED THIS PLAYLISTTTTTT#actually you know what on the slim to none chance i submit this at Just the right time and it gets a bunch of notes#and he somehow does actually see this post#(hi sappy/backstory tm incoming feel free to continue scrolling lmao>>)#mark you helped my mom so much#she was sick for 5 years and in that time as she got weaker and more tired what she had an abundance of was Time#and as someone who since losing her has now also become extremely depressed i underrstand Even More how horrible that kind of Time can be#to have and go through and be frustrated and devastated and bored out of your mind#but some of my friends started me in watching your videos#and she was my best friend#i shared everything with her#so of course i shared your videos too#and we would watch a lot of them together but you also have so many on your channel from so far back in addition to the new ones#that she had plenty to go back through and watch on her own while i was at school#we always felt like your humor and mentality fit right in with the rest of the household like you were a longtime friend#or neighbor from just down the road who we spoke with regularly or smth idk it was just so easy for your videos to be engaging and upliftin#she could have a playlist on to fall asleep to and be distracted from everything coming up...and that means more#than i could ever begin to thank you for#i think fnaf had been one of the things id been introduced to you through..and then tiny box tim we loved tiny box tim#back when you were first getting into making shorts and improving equipment/editing quality i always thought it would be so cool#if we somehow ran into one another on the street somewhere and i could offer to help#because i was watching those videos too! i want to make them as cool as possible and im going to school for it i know tips and tricks#and by now im sure youve probably surpassed what i know haha the INSANELY awesome and frankly gorgeous cinematography and impressive#but anyway... i know she had those videos to fill the Time when i was at school#and sometimes when i wasnt but when i was too exhausted#and i know you made her laugh and smile through it all#and that means everythingto me#ok well thhat got sappy fast sorry everyone christ#ive thought so many times over the years about trying to write something in the comments on a video or send an email or something and like#i feel bad same time cos i know soooo many people have similar stories or treat youtubers/celebrities like theyre actual saviors and angels
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i feel like im never going to be fully satisfied by any saw sequel (or the fanbase for that matter) bc i dont think the majority of ppl involved read jigsaw the same way i did.
#all these attempts to like humanize and flesh him out just end up totaly misrepresenting him and his goals#no he is not actually trying to improve the world hes a sadistic little man whos angry about dying and coping with it badly#he gets a front row seat to all his games and cuts trophies off his dead victims. bc he likes the violence#he puts people who absolutely DID NOT DESERVE IT (in saw 1 at least) in these elaborate death traps that they overwhelmingly fail to escape#sometimes he puts a completely innocent person in the crossfire (like seriously who is that guy who amanda had to kill to get her key)#hell they explicitly say that guy in the chair trap did nothing wrong he was just dying 'for a greater purpose' to test the trap.#but nobody ever acknowledges all this its just like 'what if we give him depth by saying serial killing isn't so bad'#and it never works and usually ends up with him being unbelievably self impressed and annoying#id honestly rather they explore his 'depth' by just. expanding on him as in denial and wanting revenge#which tbf i thought X was doing a decent job at until the last half hour when they threw the character study away entirely#like just give me a jigsaw who is angry at dying and takes it out on the Living because he has no other outlet. ill accept that.#him killing people who need to go can be like. gory tasteless fun in the sequels but it makes it like.#idk. less satisfying to me? or it just puts this wall up that makes the movies not come together the way the first one does.#avpost#movie diary
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There are two paths before me.
One is overgrown, full of thorns and bristles and broken branches. The other is sunny and clear.
Surely, the first will lead to nothing but risk, danger, and pain, while the second will be a blissful, joyful walk.
But there's nothing for me on that clear path. No food, no life, no person out there besides myself. I know that the overgrown path can grant me all those things and more, if only it weren't such a wretched way to go.
So I spend some time on the clear path, walking forward until I can't take the loneliness and discontent anymore, and I turn back. But when I arrive where I started, the first path is still overgrown, worse still than before. Frustrated and feeling helpless, I start down the clear path again. When I decide to take care of myself and survive instead of starving to death on the barren trail, I turn back again. And again, the other is overgrown and terrifying.
I go back and forth, until I fall to my knees, crying and begging for someone, anyone, to help me. To remove the thorns and bristles and branches.
And then I realize, this entire time, I've been running from the pain. I've been waiting for the trail to clear up on its own, to grant me safe and easy passage.
It wasn't my fault I was never taught wilderness survival - I don't know how to make it through such an area, bandage the scrapes and wear functional gear and step over the branches. But I can learn, even if I'll experience some hurt along the way.
#i've been improving but#i decided to spend my time on things that matter instead of spending it on my appearance#i've been practicing doing that a lot#but it's still really hard sometimes. i feel so desperate to prove myself. to hide the autism and anything else they've ridiculed.#prove to them that i can. that that's ''not me''. trying to heal inherently means taking care of myself and investing in my actual#interests rather than wasting my life so i can look pretty and come off appealing and confident and NT and whatever else#but the shame and desperation are so strong i've spent the day crying just because i didn't spend the time to make myself the#most impressive person in the room lmaooo#anyways. realized that i always run into the same roadblock. ''this hurts really badly so i'm going to run back into the arms of NPD becaus#that feels safe and stable''#people can look down on me. not take me seriously. assume i'm incompetent or incapable. find me shameful or embarrassing or flawed.#they can make fun of me. talk about me behind my back. show disgust or disdain. abandon me with no explanation. exclude me. reject me.#and yeah it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. but hiding who i am and turning everything into a source of approval-seeking is making me#actively want to die. and i'm incapable of getting close to anyone or anything like this. i need to acknowledge the pain and let it hurt.#learn to deal with it instead of run from it.
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i did it! I'm back to being caught up in the anime!
#managed to do it in about a month#while also spending time studying [comma] juggling a fuck ton of social stuff [comma] taxes [comma] full time job#and a fuck ton of other things while maintaining a reasonable sleep schedule#and also reading about a case a day in japanese in the manga for the conan reading club#which takes time and effort but my reading is improving#anyways if this were me in college this wouldve been easy#cept during capstone hell#but now?? actually kinda impressed i did it#anyways have one more ep Saturday before the movie might try to catch it live!#dcmk#Detective Conan#surpringly I hadn't gotten behind where i read in the manga which was nice! I think i even have a case to spare
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my favorite posts of the year :-)
links to full posts below the cut:
1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12
#ts4#simblr#idk how to tag this so i'm just?? tagging???? something?#i was going to comment about how much red there is here but then i realized. kel. hair. red. lmao#story posts were excluded but just know kel/ick getting knocked tf out is absolutely one of my favorite things i've ever made#the top 3 are in order#the rest are just kinda randomly thrown around#surely no one is surprised by number 1#it is in fact my phone's home screen#a good bit of these are actually from the first half of the year which is surprising to me#usually i stop liking/being impressed by my own edits after like. a week lol#no. 6 i think is the oldest on the list. it's from january & i still rlly like it#it's one of the rare ones that turned out exactly how i wanted it to#honestly i would have added my most recent mb edit to the list BUT#it's still pretty fresh so it might just be newness bias that is making me like it so i'm leaving it off#overall tho i feel like it was a really good year edit-wise. my skills definitely improved a lot so that's neat#i think for next year i might like to try photo sets again or like... more nicely edited story posts#assuming i.......... actually work on some story posts lmao
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I FOUND AN EASTER EGG IN THE FOUNDATION SERIES!!!!!!!
feels like my weirdly specific knowledge of old-timey sci-fi just paid off
Near the end of Second Foundation (1953), the First Speaker off-handedly mentions that something is “a consequence of Leffert’s Theorem.”
George Lefferts was another sci-fi writer, at the time, most famous for adapting stories to radio for the series Dimension X (1950-1951), which featured stories by Isaac Asimov.
I did not know that they were friends & I can’t find anything online suggesting they were friends, but -- there was literally no reason to mention “Leffert’s Theorem” otherwise; it was just some technobabble. THEY WERE FRENNNNS!!!
#btw George Lefferts is the Dimension X writer whose name always stuck out to me#because EVERY EPISODE where the female characters were actually well-written and not cringe 1950s stereotypes#was written by George Lefferts#apparently in the 1960s he created an emmy-winning Women's Lib series so my impression of him from his sci-fi work was correct lol#MAYBE HE HELPED ASIMOV WRITE BETTER FEMALE CHARACTERS????#bc honestly I noticed a marked improvement over the course of the Foundation trilogy#the first book had literally zero (0) women#GEORGE DID U HELP HIM? XD#george lefferts#isaac asimov
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I draw like someone who's got other stuff going on
#someone with other prospects for example#or just other things occupying time that could be spent drawing and improving skills#certainly I don't draw like someone who's supposed to be Some Kind Of Artist#skilled enough for my family and at least some friends to think I'm impressive but also skilled enough to know better#I didn't want to Be An Artist when I grew up but I could never maintain the grades I'd need to go into STEM#art was the 'easy fallback' and oops! uh oh! art takes a ton of discipline actually! and people who aren't artists don't know that#so! I've just grown up to be Nothing In Particular#about me
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I met up with the twin friends and it was...pretty good. About what I expected.
I made sure to get to the fast food joint we agreed on early so I could buy us a few things to share and look cool n prepared for them. They rolled up and looked almost exactly like they did in high school, hugged me, gave me the details on their current jobs and showing me fun photos.
I shared my life updates after, and one twin kept saying "no way" and "yeah" and "that's crazy!" as I talked, a little too frequently. It felt like, robotic or hollow or something, like they were either uninterested or frantically grasping for something to say. Which irked me.
Something I remember about these guys is that we all got along pretty well, but if there wasn't an immediate activity or game to play or thing to watch in front of us, etc, conversation could lull really fast. With good friends you'd just chat about nothing but they fucking wouldn't! (75% of the time, I wouldn't/couldn't either...) So this time I was being extra chatty to make sure we had no awkward silences.
Like, we were never each other's besties. But I do remember in the old days it would irk me how there wasn't too much natural, easy conversation unless we had the crutch of Some Activity in front of our faces, and they like. Hardly ever tried to fix that. To just talk. Back then, and even now. Well, I do remember them trying to fill it with like...jokes and dumb silly comments, stuff I'd politely laugh at but half the time I didn't actually find funny.
Still, I showed them my fanzine collection and art pieces and they were really into that. And now I can grind up this social gathering I had and deftly pepper it into future conversations if someone asks what I've been doing recently. I'm such a homebody I could always use the Talking Ammunition.
#Coincidentally my dad who's always giving life improvement advice told me I should always try to expand my social circle#And I got to tell him well ACTUALLY I've contacted some old friends just recently and we'll meet up soon and he was soooo impressed#But this feels 70% like I met up w/old friends and 30% like...some business venture to make myself a more well rounded adult human
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it’s just one of those days where you compare and compare and compare yourself to others and it makes it all seem a bit harder ignore my pity party in the tags bleugh
#every aspect#comparisons of my writing and comparisons of my general personality and comparisons of physicality#feeling like i’m too much#feeling like i’m not enough#feeling like i should be doing better than i am#in my writing and in my weight loss and in the way i am there for others#i wish i knew how to be a better person#id like to be better at this human thing#idk it comes in waves#the sinking feeling that my writing hasn’t improved and is getting worse#and none of my concepts are very fun or entertaining#that maybe my writing is flat or one noted#feeling like i’m just playing house when it comes to being a creative individual and i’m actually not very creative or good or impressive#never have been and never will be and the devastation because it’s all i want to be#ANYWAYS IGNORE ME#IM ON SOME STUPID SAD BULLSHIT TODAY#and then there is the fear that all my sadness is just annoying and i should staple my mouth shut#WAHOO#just ranting do not mind the sadness behind the curtain
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FIRST GOOD WITCHER SEASON EVER MADE!!! ITS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!!!!!
#about me#FUCK!!!#THEY ACTUALLY DID IT#I CANT BELIEVE IT#HOLY SHIT#im THRILLED#dude!! it was so good!!#i cant believe it like they added so much stuff! and they got rid of all the bits that were boring as fuck!#thank you!! god!!!#im so impressed like theyve tied so much together in such satisfying ways!!#all the truly great plot points of the books carried over while actually improving upon the shitty parts#they actually made a good redania plot line#and a good nilfgaard plotline!!!!#oh my god and tissaia's death was so much better still just as frustrating but better thank you for actually putting it on screen#jesus christ#and vilgefortz looked so grosssssssss#low key pissed about how shit the last season was now like look!!! you actually know how to write!!!#what the fuck was that then!!!#AND MILVA#MY BEST GIRL#AND THE RAAAAATSSSSSSSSS#IM SO EXCITEDDDDDDDD#thank god we didnt have that long ass bit where shes in a swamp#that part sucked and we all knew it#sad that yenn didnt get to piss in francesca's water fountain#but i guess her actually having agency is better... okay....#im so excitedddddddddd#AHHHHH#the witcher#the witcher spoilers
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