#the fish autism is strong what can i say

[feligayzed]

guardian angel side quest

[asdcats]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance: Day 29 & 30

How tactile of a person are you? Are you sensory seeking or sensory avoidant? Do you enjoy getting hugs and other types of expressive contact or do you avoid them? If the latter have you had issues ever with people not respecting that you don't like it?

I'm a mix of seeking and avoidant sometimes in ways that seem contradictory. I love loud music but hate loud sounds. I love foods with strong flavours like garlic and I do enjoy a bit of spice, but I also can't stand the taste of celery or cucumbers, but I'm ok with spoilt milk and rotten fish (yes I have eaten both of these things without realising because I thought if I'm not gagging it must be ok), but if a grape has a brown spot I can't eat it. I also sometimes expreince sensory overloads and underloads at the same time which is a very special kind of hell.

While I don't like to be touched I do like hugs if 1) I'm in the mood and 2) I'm getting them from the right person. I do not like kissing at all and will only tolerate it for some people. Growing up I had a lot of problems with people getting mad at me for not letting family members kiss me. Telling me I was being rude and over reacting. Though most got better about it after I was diagnosed by then the message that I don't get a say in what someone does to my body had already been ingrained in me. Since no one bother to tell me what I was "allowed" to be uncomfortable with and what boundaries I could have. While I have no interest in having sex I feel if I did this would cause issues as I still can struggle to tell someone if I'm uncomfortable, which would make it difficult to consent as I would not be able to say no.

Day 30:

Autistic pride. How do you feel about being autistic? What does it mean to you? Is it something you take pride in? Have your feelings about being autistic changed since you first found out that you were autistic? And is there a final message you would like to share for the end of autism acceptance month? What would you like people to take away from this month?

Being Autistic is complicated. It's hard to navigate a world that seems to be made to hurt you. With a brain that makes a mountain out of an ant hill sometimes. But at the same time I wouldn't want to be any different. This is what I am. Who I am. When I first learnt I was autistic I took it the same way I take a lot of things other would see as big news, just an "oh ok" then moving on. After becoming more active in the onlince autistic community however I learnt just how much of my life it affects (both good and bad) which allowed me to form more of an opinion on things.

My final message to all my fellow autistic kittens (and non-kittens) who have been reading these post:

Autism is a spectrum, try to interact with people with different levels/support needs when possible.

Allow yourself to prioritise happiness over being "normal". Allow yourself to do things in a weird away if that gets the job done.

Look after yourself. Ignore anyone who tells you your existence makes them uncomfortable. And fuck anyone who tells you your life has no worth because you can't work, or you need help with things they don't. You are a human being. You are allowed to exist and you are allowed to live.

[razzberrydazz]

Neurodivergence and mental illness headcanons and analysis with the BG3 cast! All of them have trauma there's no way any of them are totally mentally well (NONE of them are mentally fully well, being an adventurer is traumatic in and of itself).

Shadowheart and Astarion both have Borderline Personality Disorder undoubtedly to me, with Shart also having an extra dose of anxiety and depression on top of that. Being kidnapped and raised in a cult and being held hostage by a vampire lord are more than traumatizing enough to cause that.

Astarion definitely has PTSD from his time with Cazador. Shadowheart, Halsin, and Durge (if the player plays as Dark Urge) definitely also have PTSD.

-My analysis for my Durge is for a different post because there is so much going on there, but know that OCD and BPD and PTSD are all strong contenders for their mental idiosyncrasies-

Gale most definitely has depression and likely comorbid Autism and ADHD.

Lae'Zel is very autistic-coded to me with her directness and perceived low empathy and struggle to understand faerunian customs - many alien type characters are autistic-coded by the nature of their 'fish out of water' character arcs. She also has anger issues galore, and trust issues, she was raised in a militaristic alien cult society there's no way she wouldn't have fucked up emotional development. She's direct and quick to anger, but I don't think she's outright Rude - others may Think she's being rude but she's not, she's being honest and saying what she thinks.

Karlach is Sooooo ADHD coded to me, she also has hella anger issues and I do not blame her one bit, as well as a moderate dose of anxiety. Someone give her a fireproof fidget toy I beg of thee.

Wyll hides his trauma and issues relatively well, but I would not say he's as well-adjusted as many assume him to be. He's self-sacrificing to the point of extreme detriment, possibly a people pleaser, I am certain he has anxiety and depression that he does his best to mask, and he may not have full blown PTSD but he definitely has trauma. I get the impression he has a low opinion of himself due to his pact and often can even be self-depreciating especially when made to look like a devil, definitely has signs of depression in him. He is such a precious man and I want to help him see that he's worth so much more than he thinks 🥺

Minthara, while I don't know her character as well as the others, definitely has trauma from being raised in the toxic cult of lolth-sworn drow society, greatly reduced empathy (but not non-existent) due to said cult society, is definitely a sadist, could have developed Antisocial Personality Disorder due to the way lolthite society molded her (Lolthite society raises people in a way to predispose them to having APD if you ask me, since it's built on manipulation and fear and ladder climbing on the backs of others). Despite possibly having APD due to the trauma of Lolthite society, Minthara is not incapable of love and devotion and can grow to care for tav and other party members over time, perhaps even to a fanatical level if you romance her.

Halsin has trauma that he often brushes off or downplays, he can be quite self-depreciating at times, and from my viewpoint he is hypersexual as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Definitely has self-image issues and doesn't see himself as worthy of the love and affection and positions of authority he's been placed in. Probably has depression that he works hard to mask in front of others.

Jaheira has a long history of trauma that include the events of the first two games, I would not be surprised if she has PTSD, but overall she is pretty well adjusted all things considered. She has trust issues but I don't blame her, she has justification.

Minsc is hilarious, that man has autism I am convinced, he has trauma but I'm not sure if he realizes his trauma is indeed trauma and not simply a mild inconvenience in his life. Either none of his trauma is processed as such in his brain so he is genuinely that happy-go-lucky, or that jovial attitude is a mask. Boo is...Boo. I do not know the inner machinations of a miniature giant space hamster.

If anyone in the game is a Narcissist, it's Orin the Red (NPD does not make one inherently abusive or evil of course, no personality disorder or mental illness makes anyone inherently bad, Orin just happens to embody many of its traits to the extreme and has the traumatic upbringing to cause it). Her story is so tragic to me, she wants so badly for Bhaal to love her, she wants the admiration and affection of the god of murder so bad and she doesn't care if that means killing the entire world. She's incredibly tragic, she doesn't realize she's as traumatized as she is because it got channeled into her mask of self-importance and lack of empathy extreme sadism and want for admiration from Bhaal specifically. If it was possible to if not redeem her, at least spare her from death and break her out of her cult mindset, I would do it in a heartbeat. I love Orin as a character so much.

Gortash could be APD, but I think he fits Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder more. His want for control, for order, under the tyranny of Bane, to wrench control and revenge for the childhood he was robbed of, it's very fitting. He's distrustful and known for deceit but his ride or dieness with Durge and willingness to Risk It All for Tav is endearing to me, and could be him manipulating or simply be that he does in fact see teaming up with Tav as the best course of action for him to maintain his control. I'm biased I know, I like Gortash too much.

Ketheric is spiteful and traumatized from the death of his wife and daughter and the cult he imbedded himself in yes, but he takes it to an extreme in his lashing out from his grief. I don't think he's antisocial or narcissistic, I mainly think he's depressed and a victim of a sunk-cost fallacy taken way too far. He committed to the bit until the very end.

If anyone else could possibly have APD or NPD, I think it'd be the Emperor, but I also feel the mental quirks of being a mindflayer predispose someone to being manipulative and self-agrandizing. He is a Very sly and effective manipulator, and even though overall he has the common goal as the player and protects them from death and transforming into a mind flayer for the majority of the game, he is ultimately doing it for his own aims. He hid the truth of Orpheus and his own form for most of the game, because he was so distrustful of Tav that he believed they would never trust him otherwise - which he can't actually know as true or not. Unfortunately for him I chose saving Orpheus and helping Lae'Zel over helping him because his history of manipulation and omition of information caught up to him and caused the very distrust he wanted to avoid. He is a great morally grey/dubious character who can be both loved and loathed for his antics.

Dame Aylin and Isobel definitely have trauma if not PTSD, and Aylin probably is autistic.

Listen what I'm saying is autistic people have a surprisingly high level of charisma and they and other neurospicy people congregate together to make some delicious neurospicy food.

Those are all the characters I have thoughts about for the moment, and these are my headcanons more than anything, so don't take this too seriously.

[brotherlysuggestion]

Hey, for any of my little sibs trying to learn to eat salads/vegetables but running into a lot of unhappiness/failure/sensory issues, I recently started learning to eat veggies after a lifetime of struggling due to autism and sensory issues, and I have some tips that I’ve collected along the way!

Forget all about the “healthiest varieties” or “most nutritional salads” elitism.

A lot of that talk is based on bogus science or half-truths to begin with, but even for anything that’s true, you’re trying to eat in a way that is sustainable for you. You don’t need to be like anybody else. If you like iceberg lettuce, screw the people who say “well that doesn’t have any nutritional value”. It’s fiber and roughage if nothing else! You like a lot of dressing or add ins and people tell you that isn’t a real salad/isn’t a healthy salad? It’s more vegetables than no vegetables! It gets the greens in your body! Do your thing, you don’t deserve guilt (external or internal) for figuring out your own path.

This is about habit forming and breaking bad associations to form better ones.

Think of this as practice! I eat salads nearly daily when available because I genuinely look forward to them now, but I used to want to retch at just the thought of salad. When I used to think of salads, I always thought of being a kid and trying not to gag while forcing sensory hell so that adults wouldn’t get mad at me. It was punishing for me, and it took a lot of gentle work to change that association! So if you hate salads, really try to identify why. Are they bland and tasteless to you? Conversely, are the bitter flavors too strong? Is it a textural thing? Do you have some highly negative experiences with them in the past?

Don’t force yourself to keep trying something you know you hate.

I personally can’t stand a lot of “ultra healthy” salads that have a lot of different textures/flavors mixed in, and years of trying to suffer through salads like that never made me like them more. Back to the first point again, forget about what you’re “supposed” to be eating and eat what you find the least repulsive tbh.

The greens you choose can make a massive difference, so try a lot of different things!

This is especially important if texture or flavor is an issue for you. Personally I find iceberg lettuce the “easiest” because it has a very mild taste. I started out my adventures in learning to eat salad eating EXCLUSIVELY iceberg lettuce. Butter lettuce or romaine (especially romaine hearts) are others that are popular for being pretty palatable, and I’ve come to love them! And you don’t even HAVE to have lettuce! You can have cabbage, beets, carrots, whatever! Pick a vegetable you like and search for salad recipes using it!

Find a dressing you really like and drench that bad boy if you need to!

Some people really like ranch, or poppyseed dressing, or vinaigrettes, or even sweet dressings with honey and fruit! You can use mustard or honey in dressings! Look up different types of salad dressings and try them all out if you want. Personally, I really like zingy dressings like Italian vinaigrettes or blue cheese, but everyone’s different. You can make a lot of dressings at home, too, and if you have the stuff already it can be a cheap way to find what you like. I know dressing freaks some people out, but referencing my very first point again; some salad is way better than no salad. You may even eventually find yourself able to use less and less once you’re more accustomed to eating salad! So use as much as you need, whether it’s just for now or forever.

Toppings! Salads are allowed to be goodies with obstacles!

Use a protein like chicken or fish (I like tuna a lot) or crumbled bacon, use croutons, hummus, little cubes of cheese or shredded cheese, sliced hard boiled eggs, whatever! If there’s vegetables that you know you like, put those in! I love some sliced cucumber or shredded carrots in my salads. Some people do nuts like almonds or cashews in their salads, some people use chickpeas and corn from a can, and if you’re feeling super adventurous you can try some fruit to sweeten things up! If you like variety then mix warm foods and cold foods, creamy textures and crunchy textures! Make it totally your own. Personally, I’ll sometimes eat around my croutons so that once I’ve eaten all of my greens I have a big, crunchy reward. There’s no rules for how you have to eat something!

Conversely, be as simple as you need to be.

If you need to get used to salads by eating just iceberg lettuce and ranch for a while, you don’t need to be embarrassed! You don’t have to throw the kitchen sink at your salad, even if that’s what helps some others! This is about what works for you.

Don’t be afraid to have salad ingredients… not as a salad!

You can make a green smoothie by blending ingredients if texture is your big issue! Or make a fruit smoothie with some spinach or lettuce thrown in to help you ease into it. Or try dicing up some lettuce, cabbage, and a preferred vegetable or two (avocado, bell pepper, tomato, or cucumber would all work!). Drizzle that with a generous amount of dressing or sauce, and you can use it as a chip dip! Tortilla chips work especially well for this. Or maybe make a vegetable wrap in an actual tortilla? Or throw some chopped up vegetables in your next soup. Even if it’s as simple as putting some lettuce, carrots, or tomatoes into a sandwich, that’s awesome too!

Even outside of salads, experiment with texture for vegetables!

You can roast most vegetables on a sheet pan in the oven (or in an air fryer) for a crispy and crunchy experience! Or you can boil or steam them on a stovetop (or in the microwave) to different levels of softness; you can get most vegetables pretty mushy with enough time, if crunchy textures are hard for you! Looking up vegetarian versions of your favorite meat-including dishes can sometimes also offer great ideas for getting different textures out of vegetables! Try everything that you think you might like: grilling, griddling, roasting, steaming, boiling, sautéing, braising, stir frying, and blanching (which also helps reduce bitterness!) are all different methods to look into, and different methods have different results with different vegetables!

Big takeaway…

Be patient and kind with yourself. Working through food aversions is hard. The goal is gently pushing/testing your boundaries and expanding your comfort zone, NOT forcing yourself. Forcing yourself into extreme discomfort, distress, or pain typically only makes aversions worse! So it’s in your best interest to be patient and go as slowly as you need to. Be proud of yourself for trying, and don’t let anyone (including yourself) make you feel shame for doing what you can.

And obligatory disclaimer:

Please don’t get discouraged if none of these tips work for you! This isn’t an exhaustive list, and I’m not any kind of professional. This is just a mix of tips I’ve seen online, and what worked for myself and my own sensory issues, and I’m still learning more about myself all the time! If you’re struggling, there’s still more out there! You can achieve your goals, I believe in you. 💖

[grison-in-space]

Eugh, gross. Duly noted. Which is a shame, because frankly what I'm enjoying about Harry is the contrast between himself and an autistic human: he just doesn't feel like an autistic human in the slightest to me, and it's a really nice change of pace from seeing the alien depicted in media pretty much exclusively as a means of attempting to discuss autism without saying the word.

(He's not particularly interested in anything*! He has no real commentary on the sensory universe he inhabits! Honestly he mostly just feels to me like a dude. He's Invader Zim about two levels plottier: mostly motivated by status among his own people, working at a disadvantage based on cultural fluency, and doesn't particularly see humans as people. Most of those things are not especially common for autistics.)

Obviously there is a similar shared emotional resonance there, the fish out of water aspect of the social experience is shared, but it's a pleasant respite to have a socially dislocated character that isn't a thinly veiled statement about the author's opinions about autism. I hope.

In fact, I was just (having just finished e3) idly enjoying imagining an encounter between Harry and Murderbot, because even without knowing the particulars of Harry's mission, I am fairly sure they would appall and alarm one another in some extremely funny ways—because of the way both of them play with masks and identity and mimicry, but Harry is so strangely allistic about it.

*Law and Order, for example. He's got nothing to say about Law and Order, only pleased familiarity that he's seen a concept he associates with it. Compare to Sanctuary Moon, which literally underwrites Murderbot's self-conceptual architecture—and which is intimately involved with the character to the point that it literally is the catalyst for some of the first conversation that connects Murderbot to its human clients.

Look, you spend enough time around autistic people, you're going to realize that we pick up special interests the way that deer pick up ticks, and you're going to inevitably wind up cornered by someone who is fixated, at length, on something that you find unimaginably dull. The external experience of that can be like a barrage of unrelated factoids and analyses, sure. But the internal experience is nearly always one of rapt fascination and strong opinion.

Harry just... doesn't seem to be to like anything in particular enough. It's fascinating.

Also I'm watching Resident Alien and I don't think I've ever enjoyed an alien story so much. I was worried this was going to be another autism analogue, but no—it's its own very distinct thing that has been careful to avoid any echoes of that trope. It's funny and clever and has one hell of an unreliable narrator, and the show does a great job of showcasing it.

[solar-serpent]

𝙰𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 #𝟷

📝Gemini is not the only sign that shows duality. Sagittarius, Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces, and Virgo too. The evidence lays on their symbolism, take a look at Capricorn being represented by a goat with the tail of a fish, a hybrid of two species, or Virgo's with their winged woman. She could be representing the earth element or yin energy while the wings are a reference for the air element or yang energy.

📝The natal sun sign tends to display features from its sister sign. Not simultaneously, though. The focus can shift within the axis of the signs briefly, hence the energy from your natal sun sign will always be the predominant. I might as well be addressing what opposite signs got in common, but I believe a Pisces sun native can be calculating while playing coy and strikes for perfection in regards to their creations as Virgo usually does.

📝Water placements tires easily and are frequently sleepy. They spend their energy in the most subtle ways, since they're usually empaths and healers they're easily affected by others' moods and any shift of energy on the environment.

📝Scorpio is known for their transmuting skills, so they might unknowingly be harmonizing the places they transit or even taking in the bad energy from others. Just like cats do, explaining why they're associated to this zodiac sign.

📝Moon in the 1st house is actually so mysterious, the native with this placement will only show you what they want you to see. Ask people their opinion on the native and nothing will add up. You could think they're addressing multiple people at a time as the native's reputation is diversified.

📝You can become sensitive or guarded up over the themes from the planets in your 1st house. Say you got Mercury there, you are likely to overreact if your intellect is questioned in the slightest. You will feel you got to prove yourself on this area and become competitive. Whether it's one planet or more in your 1st house, they would have an effect similar to Kiron on you.

📝Taurus, Cancer, Leo, Virgo and Sagittarius tend to struggle with their weight and self-image. I've noticed it's mostly illnesses related to their intestine or immune system for Virgo, so they can be underweight instead. Sagittarius likes to be on the big side, they want their body to look strong and undefeatable. Even so they are often caught in self-indulgence and laziness resulting in obesity.

📝Same can be told for Kiron on first, second, and sixth house. They got a hard time with keeping the ideal weight during their lifetime.

📝I was told by my professor that if I was going through an existential crisis (especially the ones related to spiritual awakening) or bad depression, I should attempt to scape from the darkness by focusing on the sign from the 9th house and partake in activities it's known for. Gemini in the 9th? Go for daily walks, start a podcast with your friends, join a new course.

📝Mercury in Cancer can make pass intuition by talent. This is a good placement for editors, copywriters, photographers, ornithologists, researchers, and lawyers. One might believe their eyes are as sharp as those of a falcon, but actually their intuition is so powerful that they rarely go through documents several times without spotting all mistakes on the first revision.

📝Everyone could be an astrologer, but Aquarius with their crazy connection with the outer space and Sagittarius's wisdom and celestial navigation skills simply were born to excel at it.

📝I associate Aquarius and Gemini to neurodiversity and Pisces and Taurus to autism.

📝Uranus in the 12th house/Pisces/aspects to Neptune is like having a television antenna in your head, the only difference being you can't choose the channels which you will tune in with. These people are mostly to experience glitchs in reality such as reading shocking news on the internet days before the actual incident have happened and was made known, or they can grasp the basics of a language they have never studied really quick and will fully understand native speakers.

📖Aries rising/Mars in the 1st house aren't lucky in love. They're hella attractive, trustworthy, impressing individuals, yet people tends to see them as sex partners and not as the real deal more often than not.

📖You're most likely to reject the energy from the sign in your 8th house, specially if anyone's sun enters your 8th house in synastry. They trigger you and remind you of the parts of yourself you hate the most. I've noticed at least one parent's sun sign is the same from their child's 8th house. On that note, I advice you reconciling with the sign in your 8th house, otherwise you will attract friends and suitors with said sign until you've done the job.

📖Check out your 3rd house and Mercury sign to find out your closer friends and siblings' profession. I've talked about it before in here.

📖Gemini in personal planets—but specially in Mercury and Mars—express the dark side of the sign in the finest ways. While Gemini rising is the shy type and Gemini sun finds more convenient to be liked by people and avoids adressing aggravating topics, Gemini Mercury and Gemini Mars are quick to criticize man's nature and their opinions are slightly immoral or on grey shades.

Hello! I'm Asteria, an astrology enthusiast and Tarot reader. The gifs in this post are from my favorite movie scene of Howl's Moving Castle and the astrology observations are of my authority. You're free to disagree with anything stated above, but be respectful to my work and persona, please.

I tried this to be a serious post, although I was tempted to share my most ridiculous notes such as Cancer placements getting half closed eyes that look like waxing crescent moons when they're sleepy, lol. I might as well realise a second part later.

For more content check out my PACs (x) (x).

[turnips-creates]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals [Round 2]

Tagged by: @awritingcaitlin!!! 🥰

Some of these are repeats from the last 15[25] questions post, but that's all good.

Are you named after anyone?

Yep! My middle name is an extension of my great-something-grandmother's name!

2. When was the last time you cried?

Saturday morning. My cousin was teasing me while the parentals and co played a ttrpg. We heard something waaaaaayyy out of context right as he made a joke about my ability - or lack thereof - in flirting, and we both fell on his family's ancient couch laughing and broke several springs in it.

3. Do you has kids?

Unless you count con gremlins and OCs, nope!

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Hun, I grew up on the bunt, blank faced version. Idk how not to at this point.

5. What's the 1st thing you notice about people?

Vibes and Hair Color. The two are mutually exclusive, I just appreciate bright dye jobs.

6. Eye color?

👓

7. Happy endings or scary movies?

I really don’t do well with suspense, sooooo typical horror ain’t my strong suit??? Lets just say my friends don’t take me to those anymore, but if we’re talking just my preference in endings, I’m only care if it was a satisfying conclusion that goes with the storyline. [by satisfying i mean did the story go through a full arc]

8. Any special talents?

I shoot archery, can trip over absolutely nothing, & rival Brennan Lee Mulligan in bird knowledge [several friends have made me watch the one 'identify the bird' skit on Game Changer and it has now been banned in my presence bc I may be from the southwest, but feral spoonbills and sage grouse documentaries will haunt me].

9. Where were you born?

You guys were born?!

10. Do you have hobbies?

Yes. Too many.

11. Pets?

3 cats, a dog, and a fish.

12. What sports do you/have you play(ed)?

Swimming, archery, and volleyball.

13. How tall are you?

just over average.

14. Favorite school subject?

Chemistry and/or Biology

15. Dream Job?

Doctorate Researcher in either 1) Ornithology or 2) Psychiatric Neurology with a focus on ADHD, Autism, and other 'dissorders', especially in AFAB people.

Publishing a book would also be fun??? But not a necessity. I'm mainly writing for myself, so we'll see if I finish a manuscript and feel comfortable enough to send it out anywhere.

Tagging: Anyone who wishes to join in!!!

[ahkaraii]

"I'm sorry if it hurts Chi-Chi and Gohan, but please don't try and resurrect me. Besides, Gohan's a lot better person than I was..."

I think about this line a lot. It shows a lot of self awareness from Goku, y'know?

I have a lot of Goku feels, not all of them fandom-friendly. Twitter folks either bash him or defend him unto death, very black and white binary split-like, which makes it difficult to talk about in 140 characters or less. “Good” dad or “Bad” dad is subjective. But I think his actions -- and inactions -- had profound effects on his family and the world beyond, for good and for bad.

Lemme word vomit for a while and see if I can get something coherent out xD

I think he’s a fantastic shonen protagonist -- arguably the template!! -- and I love him as a character that steadfastly drives the story inexhaustibly forward, to stronger and stronger opponents, to ever more fantastic plotlines. But I personally Iike to take a magnifying glass to the small moments, the quiet moments; the breaths in between the panels. And in these moments, I think Goku is a fascinating chimera of a character: a patchwork man he stitched together through mimicry and good intentions and animal impulse.

He acts like a doofus and in many cases its genuine -- he practically self-raised himself in the wild after not just accidentally killing his grandpa, but also after suffering an actually plot-significant brain injury -- but he is no idiot. I think Goku knows he’s different and not just because he’s an alien with a regrowing tail.

Goku isn’t a normal human because he doesn’t connect like a normal human. He loves but it’s because he chooses to love. He’s loyal because he chooses to be loyal. It’s not sociopathy, but it is a kind of almost... autistic spectrum like inability? I hesitate to step on toes here, but I’m basically heavily projecting my own father -- who is himself a man with high functioning autism -- so that’s where I’m drawing my main inspiration.

Goku struggles immensely to understand people who are emotionally volatile. He defaults to humour and acting like he doesn’t get it just to defuse the situation, because otherwise it’s time to Fight and Goku never takes fights lightly, and that often doesn’t end well with squishy humans. He has a moral code but he doesn’t Regret like a normal person does upon causing injury, physical or emotional. He doesn’t empathize like an emotionally adept person can. He reads body language better than tone.

On the vein of being on the spectrum, or just surviving a brain injury, or just being a saiyan, or a combination of all three -- Goku’s special interest is Fighting. And that’s one of the sources of his family’s problems.

Before Raditz, Goku was content fighting in the World Tournament and marrying the world’s strongest woman, and raising a family with her. Farming to make money to support Chichi and Gohan was boring but it was a form of training if he squinted, and he was fine conforming to that. He looked forward to Gohan growing up enough to train him (remember him saying Chichi wouldn’t let him until Gohan got older), and there he’d have another sparing partner. How exciting! He can’t wait. Let’s go fishing, Gohan, I’ll show you how to use your tail just like I used to! Can you catch a bigger fish? I know you can! Isn’t this fun? Haha! I wonder if this is what Grandpa Gohan felt. I miss him. But Gohan’s here with me! Gosh, I can’t wait till I can teach him all I know!

But after Raditz, Goku was introduced to Strength Beyond Earth, and I believe that was the start of the death of Goku’s attachment to his humanity. Because humans had a limit, and the stars did not.

Goku’s not a bad person. He’s not a terrible father. But like a good shonen protagonist, he’s addicted to chasing strength, and the strength beyond even life itself ultimately called him to abandon his mortal coil (which we see culminate in GT’s ending).

It began by wanting to stay dead. He doesn’t want to hurt his family -- he genuinely doesn’t! -- so after surviving Namek’s destruction he preferred to keep them ignorant as he trained on Planet Yardrat, since what good would it do for them to know he lived if he didn’t plan on coming back yet? Then he mastered Instant Transmission!! How amazing! Now he can travel to and from any reaches of the vast universe; he can come home whenever he wants to. Now he doesn’t have to hurt his family AND he can fight whenever and wherever he wants! Wahoo!!

So he comes back to life. Aaaand life’s not the same. Chichi’s not the same -- she mourned his death and she’s still angry he lost her Gohan for a year, and then took him to space, and then he nearly died for it, too -- and Gohan’s not the same. He’s not four years old anymore. He’s not the wide-eyed kid who looked like his father had all the answers. Krillin’s gotten older.  Everyone has changed, even if just a little. Everyone but Goku.

(Except Goku HAS changed. There’s a whole universe to discover. There’s so much strength he can defeat, still. He looks up at the stars at night and feels for Yardrat’s ki. He feels so much ki everywhere up there. He wants to chase it all down. Is it because I’m a Saiyan? Or is it because I’m a bad person? Goku don’t know...but Goku longs for it. He longs for the peace he finds in letting go).

Future Trunk’s message that a heart illness will kill him politely confuses him. Goku doesn’t fear death -- he knows what’s beyond it, now. And there’s fighters there. Even if he dies, there will be people to fight. No worries. But he does worry about this nebulous future where all his loved ones are dead, too, all except Gohan. It sounds like his boy’s gonna have it rough if these android fellas win. Time to beat some androids! :D And hey, this is finally a good excuse to train with Gohan!! So he does that for a couple of years, teaming up with Piccolo. Gohan’s gotten so strong! How exciting!

Chichi’s slowly come ‘round to him again, so that’s nice, too. He doesn’t really get why she’s still so mad but he rolls with it. He responds to violence he can’t fight against with a smile. Her emotions are too hard to follow, and it can get a little tiresome. But he loves her -- he chose to love her, so he does, and he always will. In his own way.

Then the androids come, and then Cell comes, and Goku steals Gohan away for a day and a year inside the Chamber, and he finally, finally realizes -- gosh, Gohan’s not like him at all. Gohan’s what a Real Human should be. What a Real Hero should be. The hero the Earth needs. Because Goku can’t be that hero anymore -- he never could be. He’s not human.

And there’s so many people to fight beyond the stars....

So when Goku choses to die alongside Cell, it was a choice, too. Gohan’s a better person than him, anyway. He’ll make Chichi happy, and he’ll protect the earth, and maybe one day Goku’ll meet him again and they can spar to see their strengths :) He’s so proud of his boy....

So........ is Goku a good father? A bad father? A good person? A bad person?

I think Goku is Goku. So I’ll let you decide :)

(Here’s the canon Goku dialogue from the end of Cell saga: )

[chaos-event-horizon]

Nope, I don't think you're trash or a terrible person, I think you're a kind caring person who is super worn out but still tries to do bits of good when you can

I think you're someone lovable and valuable. I think the world is better off for having you in it

You may say you're trash, but this is what I see when I look at you

I have to vehemently disagree, and also recommend you get your eyes checked my wonderful and sexy friend!

Also like... Here's the thing, cause I think a lot of people misinterpret this about me: When I say I'm hot garbage, sexy trash, and a BEAUTIFUL disaster... I'm not fishing. Seriously. I'm rude and short and have no idea how to connect with people due to the ADHD-Autism wombo-combo I experience in my flesh prison. I have opinions that are strong and occasionally wrong. I'm incredibly cringey and problematic and depressed. I'm currently a human and I am TERRIBLE at it. The book I'm writing is uninteresting if you look at anything but the character dialogue. The music I make and voice work I do sounds like something went horribly wrong at the TFS recording booth. I'm not saying these things to get compliments or be told I'm not cause... I am. I, as a person, can be very hard to get along with. I can be awful to try to talk to. I can be horrible and offensive and the worst person in the room.

I suck.

And that's okay!

It's okay to be awful sometimes. It's okay to be rude and short, and bad at things. It's okay to not have a big following. It's okay to fall on your face until your nose comes out crooked. It's okay to not be a hero all the time. It's okay to fail. It's okay to be hurt. It's okay.

I firmly believe that there is true and righteous beauty in being imperfect. I'm in a unique position to observe multiple layers of the human experience, because of my background and traumas and the way I process the world around me. And it's so beautiful to me. People are wonderful, whether they're awful or good. They're unique and glittering and shiny and new and so fun to watch! I can't even begin to compare to some of the other people I've seen. And that's so AMAZING! Trash has value. Garbage can be recycled. I see the real things that people say and do, and I marvel at how beautiful and diverse it is even when the awful things hurt. It's part of why I'm so good at writing for characters. It's part of how I can love Toshinori so deeply. Because I see them. I think of them as awful and flawed and beautiful people, and then they speak, and they become real. Because ALL real people are bad, and that's wonderful, and that's okay.

So like always, thank you for saying so. But I still have to disagree. I'm an underdeveloped and frustrating trashfire. But some of that trash is driftwood. And the flames are beautiful even though some of the contents aren't.

[prettywordsyouleft]

MonX Hospital | Jooheon

Pairing: Lee Jooheon x reader

Genre: paeditrician – hospital au / romance / friends with benefits to lovers au

Warnings: medical and challenging behaviour terms, and whilst they’re fwb it’s only talked about, there are no sex scenes.

Word count: 3994

Index: Shownu | Wonho | Minhyuk | Kihyun | Hyungwon | Jooheon | Changkyun

Tuning out the conversation at the front desk he had been listening to, Jooheon shifted his attention to the busy waiting room. A mother, looking rather frustrated, was standing beside a small child and holding out her hand. She visibly swallowed back her urgency and smiled. “Come on Maddox, the nurse is waiting for us.”

The young boy ignored her request, continuing to push a car on a table, hurtling it around with a bit more force.

“Maddox! Let’s go,” she tried again, reaching out for his hand, in which the boy immediately recoiled away from and screamed. His mother, trying not to catch the sympathetic looks from the other waiting parents, readjusted her bag upon her shoulder. “Come on now, the nurse just needs to see how big you’re getting! It’s not scary, I swear.”

Pushing away from the counter he had been resting upon, Jooheon entered the space, giving the mother a comforting smile before sitting down on the floor next to the child. Maddox glanced in his direction cautiously, now pushing the car around with less force. Jooheon grinned. “Woah, that’s some good driving you’re doing there! Can I join?”

The child didn’t verbally answer, but he did hand Jooheon a car. Starting up some revving noises, he then propelled it around the track the child had made out of various wooden blocks and toys from the container in the corner. Jooheon purposely knocked down a bridge and then gasped noisily.

The small boy giggled. “You caused an accident!”

“I really did, didn’t I. Was I going too fast?” Maddox nodded. “What do you recommend I do?”

“You’ll need to go see a doctor! Your driver is injured!”

“Oh no!” Jooheon exclaimed and several of the other kids in the waiting room edged closer. “Isn’t it a good thing I’m in a hospital right now?”

“Are you a doctor?” another child asked and Jooheon nodded guiltily.

“I am. I should have known better and gone slower, right?”

All the kids agreed with this.

“Maybe since we’re in a hospital, Maddox here could take me and my broken driver to see the nurse right now. He needs to get checked out.”

The little boy hesitated before nodding and holding out his hand. Jooheon hid his smile as best as he could, and the rest was wiped off his face when Maddox dragged him across the foyer and into the room he had been avoiding all this time. For a little guy, he sure was strong. His mother darted along with them, smiling appreciatively at Jooheon who Maddox insisted had to sit down with him.

“Nurse Tina, I drove too fast and now Maddox and I need to get checked out.”

“Well,” she said solemnly, looking at Maddox and nodding her head. “We best check you both out for any injuries, huh?! First, let’s take your temperature, shall we?”

“Thank you,” the mother said once Maddox’s basic stats were charted. “He gets a little overwhelmed in places like these.”

“It’s common so don’t feel it’s something you’re doing wrong. Kids don’t naturally like coming to the hospital,” Jooheon replied before crouching down to ruffle Maddox’s hair. “Thanks for looking out for me! Now you go down that hallway and let Doctor Y/N look out for your driver, okay?”

“You better heal well, Doctor…” Maddox leaned in to attempt to read his badge. Before he could tell him his name, Maddox looked at the honey pot clay pin attached to his lanyard and grinned. “Doctor Honey!”

“That’s me,” he chuckled. “I’m Doctor Honey.”

“Doctor Honey, huh?” you mentioned when Jooheon walked into the shared office space for junior consultants, shooting him a smirk. “I heard all about how reckless you drove from a little boy and three others today. I think I’m going to take the bus home tonight instead of catching a ride with you.”

“I guess I have my first nickname here,” Jooheon breathed dramatically before sitting down. “Here I was hoping for “Doctor McHottie. Guess being a paediatrician makes that one a bit of a stretch.”

“That and this isn’t Grey’s Anatomy,” you replied with another smile before throwing down your pen with a heavy sigh.

Jooheon peered over at your case notes and then scrunched up his nose. “Hard day?”

“I have one patient who I saw today in Doctor Clifford’s clinic hours and I’m at a loss of what to present to him in our meeting tomorrow morning.”

“Can I read your case notes more closely?” he asked and you slid the file over. Reaching for your tablet to look up the history of previous visits for the young girl, Jooheon sighed as well. “Poor thing has enough going on in her life, huh?”

“She’s retracting away from society at a rapid pace. When she did answer my questions, she was very angry in doing so. There’s a lot of tension pent up in her body and mind right now.”

“And the caregivers state the change came from puberty? Nothing else?”

“Her biological parents have recently left the scene for good, which initially eased some of her aggressive behaviour. However, the return of the new school year has put a lot of strain on the situation. Some of these symptoms do support her diagnosis on the ASD spectrum, but I’m also concerned we’re not doing enough. I’ve increased the dosages for two medications she’s taking and given the caregiver some advice on how to address the lack of school attendance from a professional’s perspective but she didn’t seem all that relieved it would do much to help things at home and I can’t stop thinking about their situation. She’s such a sweet kid but she’s not getting the right assistance to help her overcome this.”

“And her diagnosis of Autism is much newer than most of these other labels that some of the services out there to support kiddos like her would have given them a stand-down period of six weeks before even adding them to the waiting list so who knows when they will get seen by them to continue support at home,” Jooheon added on, tapping a finger on his chin trying to find a solution.

The past year that he had worked as a junior consultant in the Paediatrics department had definitely come with some highs. Working with children and helping them overcome obstacles both physically and mentally to reach closer to their potential was always rewarding. But more often than not, he felt restricted by the amount of help he could give to kids like this one. A meeting during one of these clinics was only a moment in time for that family. The parents and caregivers of children exhibiting these challenging behaviours truly deserved all the respect in the world for what they must face day in and out.

Jooheon knew that your frustrations matched his own, wishing there was more you could do to support that family. He smiled determinedly at you over the table. “Let’s brainstorm what else you could suggest for her ongoing support and reach out to the agencies we know that might provide assistance to the family with her needs as well.”

“You know, you really suit that nickname of yours, Doctor Honey,” you replied with a watery smile, nodding as you reached to take the file back. “You sure are a sweetheart.”

“Sweet enough to have dinner with?” Jooheon shot back playfully and he grinned when you rolled your eyes right as he expected you to.

“I like things to be more sour than just sweet.”

“Chinese it is,” he announced and you laughed whilst shaking your head.

“Sometimes, I wonder how to get through to you that only being your friend and colleague is where it belongs for us.”

“Friends can have dinner together.”

“I remember our last dinner,” you stated with a hushed tone as Jooheon’s smile grew again. “Don’t smile!”

“I remember it too. It was really delicious.”

“I don’t recall signing up for dessert afterwards,” you continued, trying to sound unaffected as you scrolled through your tablet.

“I don’t recall you saying no to it either,” he pointed out, trying not to smile too much at your reproachful look. “We can enjoy the perks of being consenting adults when we want to, Y/N.”

“I swear you’ve watched way too many doctors TV shows.”

Jooheon smirked. “Never seen one, actually. You’re just trying to pass it off for whatever happens in those dramas so you don’t have to admit that being friends with me is fun.”

“It’s trouble. Honey gets sticky and is hard to remove.”

“You don’t have to remove it,” he offered. Glancing over at you earnestly, he hoped you would notice that whilst having bouts of pleasure with you over the past year had been well reciprocated, Jooheon hoped it could become more between you.

You deflated his approach quickly. “Sorry, I have plans for dinner. Maybe next time, Doctor Honey.”

“Did you ever follow up with that family with the puberty issue?” Jooheon asked a couple of weeks later when he crossed paths with you in the hallway leading to a seminar you were both attending.

You nodded, shooting him a smile. “Clifford was thrilled with the added suggestions I had for the case. Thanks for your help.”

“Hey, whatever gives these kids the best chance to thrive, huh?”

“I hope this seminar is worth it.”

Jooheon smirked. “Don’t snore too loudly this time round.”

“I did not!” Yanking on his arm as you looked around at the fellow health professionals entering the space, you then huffed indignantly. “I had worked two shifts back to back and ended up helping on an urgent case before the last one!”

“Sure,” he replied simply, his dimples deepening as he threw you another playful smile. “If that’s what helps you cover up-”

“Are you fishing for a thank you since you made sure no one found me sleeping through the last one?!” you enquired as you both stepped into the large boardroom, aiming for the seats concealed in the back row. Once seated, you gave Jooheon a pointed look. “I won’t fall asleep.”

“What will you do this time if you do?”

“I’m not going to!”

“I’m going to hold it over your head if you do. I know! Dinner tonight if you fall asleep.”

“I hope you enjoy eating alone, Lee Jooheon.”

Hours later, you grumbled as you took a seat adjacent from Jooheon in a sushi bar, pointing your index finger at him warningly. “Don’t!”

“Sure looks like I have the best company for eating alone tonight, Y/N.”

“We’re only eating,” you announced firmly, before reaching out for a plate from the conveyor belt that ran along the inner edge of the table. You then let out another groan. “If only her voice hadn’t been so dreary!”

“Face it, unless you’re being stimulated, you fall asleep too easily. I don’t know how you even got through med school.”

“Lots of coffee and determination.”

“Guess now that you have the job it’s easy to slacken off huh?”

“Jooheon!”

He grinned. “Don’t worry. I took enough notes for the pair of us.”

“You’re a lifesaver,” you told him and gestured to the food. “It’s on me tonight.”

The conversation flowed easily over a range of topics during dinner, as it usually did. Jooheon hadn’t met someone who he could tease in one moment and then discuss serious topics in the next until you, and it always made him yearn for more of your attention. However, when you reached for your second shot glass of sake, Jooheon took it from you and downed it instead.

“Hey! That was mine.”

“You’re a lightweight. Don’t drink anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll end up wanting dessert if you do,” he told you bluntly, and you stared at him, cheeks flushed.

“Who says I don’t already?”

“Are you feeling the effects of the alcohol so soon?”

Leaning over and kissing him impulsively, Jooheon was stunned when you pulled away. You cocked your head to the side and took the shot glass back before pouring more of the rice wine. You knocked it back. “I can’t have you having dessert alone as well, huh?”

“Let’s pay the check then. It’s a work night and we don’t need to drink any more with early morning clinics tomorrow.”

“You’re right,” you agreed with a seductive trail of your finger down his chest. “I’m sure you’ll make me feel more than drunk on what you have in store for me tonight.”

“Doctor Honey!” the children exclaimed as he entered the hospital schoolroom, waving to all the attendees of the class. A couple of the physically-abled children hopped up from their seats and dashed over to hug him.

“How’s school today?”

“We’re colouring!” Ingrid told him and he gasped noisily, allowing the girl to take him over to her place at the table. She was colouring in a fairy with a pretty flower crown.

“Colouring!” he repeated, crouching down to look at Minseok’s alligator he was carefully remaining within the lines of. “You’re all future artists!”

“Will you colour with us?!”

“Me? Oh, I don’t know, I’m just a doctor.”

“You could draw a picture of Doctor Y/N!” Jake suggested and Jooheon lost his balance, falling to the floor with an embarrassing thud.

The children all giggled.

Recovering, Jooheon narrowed his gaze on Jake. “Why would I draw her?”

“Because last time she came to visit our class, she drew you!” Melissa told him as she pointed to the wall where a picture of a honey pot and spoon had been hung up.

Jooheon laughed. “That’s a honey pot.”

“It’s you! She told us so.”

“Really?” he asked, looking at the picture again. He grinned. “Did she tell you why she chose to draw that?”

“We asked her to draw her favourite thing.”

“Well I’ll be damned,” he breathed out quietly, thinking back to your indifferent behaviour this morning when you woke up at his place.

Coming back to the present, Jooheon smiled weakly. “I wish I could colour with you all but I’m actually here for Luna.”

Luna lowered her head and shook it adamantly. “I don’t want to go!”

“Doctor Honey will be with you, don’t be scared, Luna,” the teacher, Mrs Potts, gently encouraged and the other children moved to hug her and tell her it would be okay.

Once Luna was free from her friends, Jooheon held out his hand for her. “I’ve even got the coolest orderly on his way to help you travel to your therapy session in style.”

“You’ll still come too, right?”

“Of course!” he assured, her sweaty palm gripping onto his more tightly.

As he walked Luna back to her wardroom, she kept looking up at Jooheon inconspicuously, and he smiled after catching her once more in the reflection of the window they passed by. “What is it, Luna?”

“Is Doctor Y/N your girlfriend?”

Jooheon shook his head sadly in answer. “She just wants to be my special friend.”

“I had a boyfriend once,” she whispered when back in her room and Jooheon leaned down to help her up onto her bed. He then gasped and Luna giggled behind her hand.

“You’re too young for a boyfriend!”

“And you’re too old! Shouldn’t you be married by now?!”

“I’m not old at all!”

“Then I’m not young!” she refuted and Jooheon gave her a fist pump in a truce. Her humour eased. “I wish I had kept him as my special friend though.”

“Why?”

“When he left the hospital after getting better, he never contacted me again. If I hadn’t of given him my heart, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.” Blinking at the vulnerable truth the twelve year old had spoken of, Jooheon sighed. She was too young for such a painful experience on top of her health condition.

Luna took Jooheon’s hand and squeezed it again. “Maybe Doctor Y/N doesn’t want you to ever leave her so she chooses to keep you as her special friend instead.”

Before he could respond, Minhyuk, the cheerful orderly, arrived and took away his chance. Jooheon smiled at Luna thoughtfully.

It was amazing how insightful kids could be.

“It feels like it’s been forever since I worked in the same place as you,” you mentioned when you entered the office space the following week and Jooheon grinned.

“It’s only been two days. Are you not getting enough done in your shifts to feel like time is dragging or something?”

“You’re not funny.” Sitting down heavily, you placed your hands up under your chin to rest your head upon them. “It’s just weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Even when we’re busy, you always seem to appear during my day.”

Jooheon swallowed slowly. “I guess friends are not always visible when busy.”

“You are though,” you persisted, narrowing your gaze on his face. “Are you okay?”

“Sure.”

“Really?” Peering at Jooheon more closely, he diverted his gaze from your scrutiny. “Are you hiding something from me?”

“What’s there to hide? We’re just friends, Y/N.”

“Hm,” you hummed, shaking your head. “You’re being weird.”

“I’m just being your friend.”

“Say the word friend one more time, I beg of you,” you said darkly, opening your file with a huff.

He chose to look at you then, chewing on his bottom lip.

Luna’s words had played around in his mind. Jooheon didn’t realise that his advances could have been felt as pressure to you, and whilst he knew being friends who slept together worked to some extent, he hadn’t realised it could mean something to you to not go any further.

And so he had decided to just be the friend you needed. Although, Jooheon wondered if he had taken the step back a little too far if you were aware of how little he was trying to bombard you each day. To be fair, he wasn’t very good at reeling back his own feelings or level of friendship to make you feel more comfortable.

After a few minutes of working in silence, you cleared your throat. “Are you busy tonight?”

“No.”

“Good, want to Netflix and Chill?” you suggested, not lifting your gaze from your tablet. Jooheon didn’t answer immediately and you flicked your eyes upwards. You then frowned, waving a hand in front of his face. “Earth to Doctor Honey, did you hear me?”

“Uh, maybe not tonight. I’m not feeling well.”

“Really? But that one time when you were ill and told me nothing could stop you from-”

“Guess I had more energy back then,” he lied, collecting up his things hastily. He was growing confused and it was bothering him.

You seemed bothered as well. “Where are you off to? We have two hours to write up our findings from our clinical hours today.”

“I need to go look up something in the library. I’ll catch you later.”

Jooheon slapped the side of his head a couple of times once he was out of the office, groaning with how awkward he was acting towards you.

He realised he couldn’t just be friends with you anymore.

Your working environment continued to grow tense until you found Jooheon in an empty wardroom, patting the bed in which Luna had once resided in.

For a moment, you comforted him. “It’s a good thing she’s going home. Why are you sitting here looking so lost?”

“I’ve grown attached to her.”

“She was a spunky little thing. Gave me lots of advice.”

Jooheon nodded softly. “Me too.”

“Did she give you the advice to avoid me?” you wondered and Jooheon glanced up at you in confusion. You shrugged, taking a seat on the bed beside him. “Or did she say something to make you back off from me?”

“No, well-”

“I knew it!” you exclaimed, standing back up and waving your hands around. “See, she told me that there was someone really special in my world and that I should see him as more than a friend and then you kept saying the words just friends over and over and I cannot believe you took the advice of a twelve year old so literally!”

“Hang on a moment,” he simply replied, narrowing his eyes on your face. “Regardless of age, some people say insightful things. I was just giving you the space you need since I have made it clear that I want to be more than just friends who sleep together. I want the whole deal with you but you always give excuses. So yeah, I listened to Luna and thought maybe you had a reason that you didn’t want to be more than friends with me over. I was being respectful of your needs.”

“Disappearing from my world is respectful?” you asked, shaking your head. “You made me lonely. I half wondered if I had offended you or you’d grown bored of me. I kept making advances at you that you’ve deflected. How is that being a friend?”

“Do you like me?”

“Of course I do.”

“I mean more than a friend,” he reiterated and you opened your mouth, only to close it again. Jooheon sighed. “See, this is where we differ. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you and want to-”

“My last partner manipulated me,” you blurted out. Cringing, you started to pace the floor. “I gave him so much of myself that when I realised what he was doing to me, I vowed I wouldn’t date again. I wanted to hold full control over my feelings. I figured if all you and I did was eat and sleep together that I wouldn’t get too attached. I could have a good friend and have some fun with you too.”

You stopped pacing and looked at him. “But you’ve become more than a friend; even I have to admit it. I want to do more than what we have. I just don’t want to lose what we have either.”

“I’m not going to hurt you like that,” Jooheon answered, standing up and stepping closer to you. Reaching for your shoulders, he smiled gently. “I’m not like him.”

“I know, you’re so much better in all areas,” you breathed and Jooheon grinned. “That’s why I get scared. You’re too good of a human to mess things up with.”

“What if things only get better, not messed up?” he offered and you slipped your arms around his waist, placing your head against him. “What if we’re better at being more than just friends?”

“Is it worth risking what we have?” you murmured, lifting your head to look at him. After staring at one another for an intense moment, you nodded. “Of course it is.”

Jooheon kissed you then, softly. It felt like it had been so long since he had last caressed your lips properly. You pressed into him firmly, deepening the embrace.

And then jumped apart when you both heard fevered giggling. “It’s just like what my Mummy watches on TV! Doctors do kiss each other in secret!”

“Ew, are you both worried about catching cooties?!”

“Why would they be worried? They’re doctors! They can cure anything!”

“How about you guys head off and pretend you saw nothing and I’ll be down to the schoolroom with candy in twenty minutes,” Jooheon stated and with another set of giggles, they darted out, leaving you both laughing at being caught.

“They’re right though,” you mentioned, stretching up to peck his lips again. “We can cure anything.”

Jooheon grinned, resting his forehead on yours. “So how about dinner tonight?”

“With Doctor Honey?” you asked, pretending to think about it. “I don’t know, what’s on the menu?”

“Anything you fancy.”

“Even you?”

“I thought I was too sticky,” he teased, reminding you of a past conversation.

Trailing your index finger up until you flicked his chin gently; you gave him a smirk. “Maybe I don’t mind if I can’t get you off of me now.”

_________________

Next: Changkyun

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[dani-dimitrescu]

𝗖𝗼𝗽𝘆/𝗣𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝘂𝘁! 𝗥𝗲𝗯𝗹𝗼𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗲! Bold what applies; if you don’t see what applies to your muse, you may add it to the end of the section after the line. It’s a very long checklist, so feel free to put it under a read more like this!

I'm exploring Daniela's long forgotten past....

Name: Valeria Lupei

Age: 19

Height: 5'5

Birthdate: April 16 1931

Gender: cis-male | cis-female | trans-male | trans-female | non-binary | agender |

Sexuality: homosexual | heterosexual | bisexual (But leans more towards women)| pansexual | asexual |

Hairstyle: crew cut | pixie cut | bob | shoulder length | elbow length | hip length or longer

Hair Texture:  straight | straight-wavy | wavy | wavy-curled | curled | extra curled | ultimate curls

Hair Color: black | dark brown | brown | light brown | auburn / red | ginger | strawberry blonde | dirty blonde | blonde | platinum | gray | silver | white |

Eye Color: brown | hazel | amber | blue | green | gray |

Body Type: muscular | athletic | average | scrawny | curvy | fat | chubby |

Skin Tone: pale | fair | golden | beige | bronze | ebony |

Markings: scar(s) | tattoo(s) | piercing(s) | beauty mark(s) |

Posture: upright | neutral | slumped

Face Shape: round | oval | heart | square | long

Physical Needs: glasses or contacts | hearing aid(s) | braces or similar | wheelchair

Physical Conditions: lesion | partial or total paralysis | blindness | deafness | muteness | missing limb | terminal illness

Mental Conditions: depression | anxiety | autism | PTSD or ASD | psychopathy | sociopathy | personality disorder | panic disorder | OCD

Physical Health: dying | could be better | can’t complain | pretty good | immortal |

Mental Health: kill me | ugh | can’t complain | aww yeah | I AM INVINCIBLE |

IQ: 60 or less | 61-80 | 81-100 | 101-120 | over 120

Gestures: never | rarely | sometimes | often | wildly | animated like a toon |

Direct Family: mother | father | brother | sister(s) | son(s) | daughter(s)

Relationship Status: single | in a relationship | its complicated | engaged | married | divorced | widowed

Pets: dog(s) | cat(s) | bird(s) | hamster(s) | turtle(s) | fish |

Social Class: very low | low | middle-low | middle | middle-high | high | very high | space race asshole

Education Level: less than high school | high school | college | masters | doctorate

Residence: dorm room | studio | loft | apartment | city house | suburb house | mansion or manor | penthouse | yacht | trailer | farm house

Housemates: family member(s) | friend(s) | landlord or landlady | none |

Mode of Transportation: public transit | taxi | rideshare | hired driver | motorcycle | scooter | bicycle | car | camper |

Usual Outfit: formal | casual | lazy | sport casual | uniform |

Grooming: lazy | stylishly unkempt | average | prettied up | meticulous

Most Common Smile: sheepish | happy-go-lucky | arrogant | smirk | sadistic | in love | literally doesn’t smile |

Social Life: non-existent | limited | it’s there | active | constant

Preferred Drink: water | alcohol | juice | coffee | tea | carbonated drinks |

Preferred Food: sweets | meats | fruits | vegetables | carbohydrates

Preferred Sports: team sports | water sports | martial arts | athletics | gymnastics | mind sports | extreme sports | none

Preferred Environment: big city | small town | suburbs | arid desert | woods | rainforest | mountains | open fields | beach |

Strong Point: brute force | agility | stamina | intelligence | wisdom | charm

Weak Point: brute force | agility | stamina | intelligence | wisdom | charm

Perceptiveness: oblivious | dull | average | sharp | mind-reader

Speech: vulgar | basic | average | polite | educated | pretentious

Creativity: dull | conventional | average | unconventional | prodigy |

Best Intelligence: nature smart | music smart | numbers smart | people smart | self smart | picture smart | language smart | body smart

Inclination: arts | sciences | mathematics | humanities

Criminal Record: underage drinking | drunk driving | assault | arson | manslaughter | murder | attempted murder | sexual crime | protest or activism | false accusations | black mail | nothing that can be proven | none

Moral Code: self-interest | utilitarianism | universal law | religious

Luck: witchcraft | stereotypically Irish | average | really? | historically Irish

Sense of Humor: constant | sassy | normal | can take a joke but can’t say one | slow but there | stick in the mud

Preferred Comedy: none | slapstick | absurdity | potentially offensive | stand-up | wordplay | cultured

Self-Discipline: what is that | noooooo | when they want to | decent | militant

Easily Embarrassed? shameless | pretty tolerant | average | sensitive | don’t even talk to them

Shows Affection: doesn’t | rarely | sometimes | often | at every chance

Likeability: non-existent | when they try | pretty okay | cool person | godlike

Irrational Phobias: bugs | wild animals | darkness | touch | birds | crowds | the ocean

Common Fears: buss | wild animals | darkness | death | untimely death | ridicule | isolation

Type of Drunk: happy | sad | risk-taker | angry | philosophical | doesn’t get drunk | doesn’t drink

Vices: smoking | drinking | self-harm | illicit drugs | prescription drugs | murder | torture |

Deadly Sin: pride | wrath | gluttony | greed | envy | sloth | lust

Heavenly Virtue: humility | patience | temperance | charity | kindness | diligence | chastity

Theme Color(s): black | brown | dark blue | light blue | dark green | light green | yellow | orange | red | pink | purple | white | gold | silver

Favorite Input: novels | textbooks | magazines | newspapers | TV shows | movies | sports channels | documentaries | radio | blogs | music |

Favorite Output: non-fiction | fiction | poetry | songwriting | drawing | painting | sculpture | crafts | photography | film | vlogging | sport | sleep |

Favorite Genre: comedy | romance | thriller | horror | mystery | science fiction | fantasy | contemporary | historical | literary | action or adventure | drama | tragedy

[hazelcephalopod]

the following is mostly rant and mildly criticism, but ultimately Hannibal is a fine show. This is just how it makes me loose it. Also if you have contradictory opinions or head canon enjoy, these are mine. If you agree cool.

I have once again begun trying to watch Hannibal. Just starting on s1e4 where I left off and getting to e7. And once again have made the mistake of reading the creators statements.

Which, oops I’m autistic so when the show opens with a character saying I’m closer to autistic than sociopathic (not an actual sliding scale between those so first red flag right there, but ok next) I’m looking to see how the show displays that. And first off, Will. Loner dude, with many dogs and overly brusk demeanor. Obsessed with murder and fishing, and again dogs considering he has like 7. Very perceptive, possible sensory sensitivity -which as an adult may not be very apparent. Unusual trauma responses, appears to be recovering from burn out, sorta highly empathetic but no idea what to do with that -except teach crime solving and solve murders. Does not like change. Seeks to do the right thing (maybe arguable) by solving murders, to his own detriment. Being pushed too far by himself and others. Ok, yea sounds like a strong possible autism, in an adult man. Personally, the manipulation from others resonates with me for this reason too. As do his relationships and interactions with other people. His brusk and straightforward communication style, interpreted as callousness which may or may not be that. It’s a lot basically. I could continue far too long.

Like, this show has barely a basic understanding of psychiatry IMO. So the show runner and actor saying (summarized) “nope he is not autistic. That was a misdirect, it was an act”. Im very curious and concerned where the show is going to go from where it is now to get to that being… true? Like the statements seem so strong too, why? It’s ok for the fictional maybe evil bi possibly murderer/cannibal and/or lover of a cannibal to be autistic on your campy little horror show. Say maybe and let people interpret what you put into the text. Bare minimum imo.

B/c that does not make sense. I can not stress enough what I’m seeing. Will clearly has moments of hyper focus and deep social awkwardness. He just does not pay attention if he has something else, like a case before him, at all. Or his deep interest with murder (cases) and the Chesapeake Riper. And hyperempathy can be a trait of autism -or other neurodiversities. (I mean Wills thing is also very much superpowers but set that aside). He feels very disconnected from other people. Half his conversations he’s talking to someone, but it sounds like two different conversations. All the ablism, so much -which clearly is in part due to ignorance- that I’m like “yup allistics be like that” Again there’s more! And maybe it’s something else, sure ok different neurodiversity -including mental illness. Or it’s more likely several.

TL:dr there is a lot of evidence that Will is autistic and I find the response from people on the show rude and ignorant when asked about it. Like idk if that’s good or not on the cannibal murder show, but the handling of it is not good in the irl realms.

PS if you plan on watching this show in the now or future remember, everyone is an asshole. That may be the point.

[imagineherbrightskies]

I have always wondered why my written voice is so loud and strong I can easily say everything I want and sound confident and smart like if you encountered my writing personified you would think oh that person is very confident, They know what they want in life but my spoken voice is still the shy little girl in kindergarten that just stopped talking because people couldn't understand or made fun her speech because of it. I wonder what would've been different if I gotten the dental work that would've fixed my speech impediment when I was a kid would I have better friends? Would I be more outgoing? Probably not since I still had ADHD and autism which my mom continues to deny, saying I only had a slight memory lost and ADD how does that explain the multitudes of sensory issues and stimming and excessive daydreaming probably didnt help the only friend I was able to make was the one kid that had anger issues who contributed to my silence and lowered my self esteem even more with their constant berating. I wonder what happened to that little kindergarten girl who was so kind and sweet and didnt think twice to help console a classmate when she saw that classmate crying because another boy broke his promise so she shared her gold fish with them I miss her. She'd probably be so disappointed of us now all her wild dreams would have not come true and she would be stuck knowing she is just a cleaning lady except she doesn't have a Cinderella ending

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[coffeebeannate]

Possibly Nonsensical ToG Representation: Personal Perspective

Nate nobody wants to read six thousand paragraphs of your inane ramblings okay?

Well maybe that IS the case, maybe SO but maybe I’m going to ramble anyway. And maybe I’ll never ever undraft this post because well who knows.

I ended up not drafting it, I just posted. Because why not. Pls don’t regret this, future me.

BUT.

I will say that, one thing that The Old Guard did that really stuck out to me, and has only continued to do so since reading others posts about it was, ironically, send my dysphoria sky-fucking-high.

(Not in a wholly bad way, that is!)

(For the record, I’m 29, and an AFAB pre-T trans guy, pre-T in like pre ANYTHING, I’m barely out publicly to anyone that isn’t a personal or really close friend, or like, my therapist, anywho)

In most cases, my dysphoria is on a very low simmer, there, but something I try to ignore because of circumstances, etc. It’s always a bother, sure, but well, I live, I guess.

So, I’m a Marvel fan, and in most cases..people I see on TV have been, well, lets be real-Chris Evans. Standard Hollywood types. I do have other examples of less ‘classically’ attractive actors on my list of things I like to watch, and absorb, and I’m a basic person who has basic ass thoughts sometimes. Those people are hot, those people appeal to the most innate feelings of people who feel things from attractive looking people.

But in my head, it’s ALWAYS been through the lens of ‘This is nice to look at. Utterly unrealistic, but nice.”

(I actually only recently learned about using dehydration to get those looks, and it further cements Hollywood shadiness, but anyway)

So for me, AMAB and men on TV have never really done much to my dysphoria. It’s not a look I’d ever have..so it never set off those bells in my head. I dislike having an AFAB body, sure, but it’s not like looking at the equivalent of a modified human art project on TV really did anything to it.

And then..the Old Guard

Fuck this is long, more under the cut.

So I want to point out that I LIKE action movies. I like things that blow up and gun fights on TV. I get a kick out of the dramatics and I’ve been in the Bond fandom since Craig Bond became a thing. I have some familiarity with the genre in general, on a low scale. And again, the Marvel fandom ofc. I also like comic books, and have for years. 

None of these things are new to me.

But what is new, I think, is seeing it done differently.

I’ve noticed a HUGE difference in reviews of the Old Guard. On sites like IMDB.com. YouTube, etc, it’s..not getting the best reviews. And I know now why that is-it wasn’t MADE for the audience action movies are usually made for. And if you compare the comic for the Old Guard to the movie, it’s VERY obvious where Gina Prince-Bythewood made changes with Greg Rucka (And possibly Leandro Fernandez) to give it a better appeal over all. (Especially with giving the characters more layers, even in two hours, and making the story have more of a family and emotional value, which is a great choice and I wholly applaud her and her team. The team feels so much more lived-in in the film than in the comics, though I’ve not read through Vol 2 yet)

Compared to Tumblr, where people are raving about the movie *myself included*, and people who NEVER see themselves in a movie, let alone in a movie done WELL are flipping over themselves over it. And I am in that group entirely.

It has been an absolute delight to see people raving about this. Maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s so incredibly important to people who don’t ever get any GOOD representation that isn’t terribly forced, overdone, stereotyped, etc.

Is Old Guard perfect? No, is it really nice to see yourself in a movie outside of your ‘assigned genre’ (alternative films, etc)

Have I watched it six goddamned times since it came out? Yes, I have. I’m down this rabbit hole, I am living here.

Which brings me back to the original point I was making before this spawned into something entirely different. 

“How did that make you dysphoric, then, Nate?”

Because, to be perfectly blunt, I want to link this post here, by @lindstrom2020 which hammered home why, and that point is that, there is virtually 0 sexualization of the characters. There is nothing gratuitous about bodies on screen here, nothing. And we never.ever.see.that.

And no, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t eyeball people on screen. I’m not devoid of sexuality, I am entirely pansexual. But that’s not what I’m trying to say here. I think that, well..seeing bodies that are still entirely masculine, and yet not..what’s the word I want..’done up’? Made all the difference in the world. For the first time, I saw, on TV, an average body, presented in a way that makes it look good, strong and almost achievable. Almost completely NORMAL in that way.

And no, none of the actors in the movie are unattractive. Not even a little bit. They’re still really goddamned pretty. But it was JARRING to see them as pretty but fairly average appearing.

And my brain..synapsed.

As a trans dude, I’m going to straight up say it’s VERY hard to envision what your post-transition body might appear as. It will never be entirely cis-looking (if you will) the way a body that’s biologically created will be, if you will. So you’re stuck working with so much imagination, so much of it relies on looking at post-transition bodies, those done after surgery and YEARS of hormones and even then not knowing.

And for me, well I’m tall, bulky and overweight. I’m also curved, and have a massive back, broad shoulders and long tree trunk like legs. (None of this is said to be a put down on my end, btw, I’m not fishing for compliments, this is the best way I can describe it)

(None of the characters are overweight, so obviously there’s still something there too that’s left to my own imagination, but I digress)

But! There is still something REALLY fucking validating about seeing men on screen who are still attractive without dehydrated abs and veined out skin because the flesh is crying out for sustenance.

I dunno..for me, it was just..strange to see. And there’s also something really really fucking NICE about queer people in the action genre that haven’t been shoved to the back of the movie, appear for five seconds and leave so the movie can scratch of ‘representation’ on it’s proverbial audience appealing points card.

And I’m sure if I watched more movies on my watch list, and stuff that’s been recommended to me I will find more! I know they’re out there, but for the Old Guard, it’s a genre I’d actually watch, something that APPEALED to me and was easy to get into because with my ADHD-Autism, it’s hard to get invested at times. So 2 hours was a good starting point.

Especially if I had to take breaks *but I didn’t need to, it was engaging enough for my wandering head*.

Wow this is messy, I stg I meant for this to be cleaner, but, anyway.

The overall thing is that the Old Guard makes me feel things I really do not usually feel watching movies. Sure it’s still a fantasy, sure it’s still got flaws, but wow if it isn’t just..really goddamned nice to connect to something outside of the box.

It’s not perfect, nothing is.

But Old Guard has done various forms of representation RIGHT, it has done extremely valid and important things. And since I’m old enough to remember the NONSENSE when Brokeback Mountain came out and it was called ‘career ending’ for it’s actors..to see this is just..

It’s nice.

And I KNOW that this movie and series is always going to hold a special place in my heart as a result.

A lot of others have made excellent representation posts, and I wasn’t going to publish my jumbled up nonsense thoughts, but feck it.

It’s not coherent really-my thoughts never are, and it’s long and rambling, but hell, so is my brain.

[narkito]

What are signs/traits of autism (specifically those relating to criteria section A) which are more subtle? Like the subtle signs and not the straight up obvious signs (like "non-verbal" or "always takes things literally" or "flat affect").

I assume you're asking because of the other post I did.

OK, let's break down DSM-5 criteria A:

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative,not exhaustive; see text):

1. Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.

2. Deficits in non verbal communicative behaviours used for social interaction, ranging,for example, from poorly integrated verbal and non verbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures: to a total lack of facial expressions and non verbal communication.

3. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behaviour to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

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Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity: this reciprocity refers to how involved you're with the other person during an interaction (the back and forth that takes place in communication). Part of that social-emotional reciprocity is knowing how and when to initiate or respond to others' social initiations. And we also look for sharing of interests, and how "balanced" that sharing is, how comprehensible the content of the communication is (do you talk as if the other can practically read your mind? do you give context?), how reciprocal is the conversation (do you let the other talk about stuff they care about? do you talk mostly about your own stuff? when the other talks about stuff they care about, do you give any response to that? is it to ask further? or just to change the subject back to something that matters to you?), social initiation (do you talk on your own or do you only start talking when somebody else speaks to you? do you show others stuff to share on that enjoyment? do you freely give out information? do you always expect the other to start the interaction? do you let the other start interactions?)

Deficits in non-verbal communicative behaviours used for social interaction: visual contact (is it the kind of visual contact that helps regulate an interaction or is it perfunctory, a look into the other person's face as you start speaking and then drift away? do they actually look at the person or look beyond? to their clothes? not at all?), gestures (do you have hand gestures that help clarify or enhance the interaction? do you imitate using a fishing pole when talking about fishing? do you put your thumb and index finger almost together, touching at the tips when talking about some wee-itty-bitty-little thing that you found?) , facial expressions (does your face know what you're talking about? do you look the part? if you're talking about something that makes you happy are you frowning or smiling, is the smile so big it looks like it's going to split your face in half?).

Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships: This is all about relationships and how well you can explain them considering your developmental level and language ability. And how strong your relationships are. What are friends for you? What is family for? How do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years? What is a marriage? What is a romantic relationship? What's the difference between a friend and another person? What makes people angry,sad, happy? What makes people you know sad, angry, happy? And what we look for is the understanding that some relationships, such as friendships go beyond the functional aspects of it "somebody that can drive me to work and somebody to play with" and that people understand the differences between one type or another of relationships. Finally, we also look for your history in friendships, familial relationships and/or romantic relationships. This part is often an interview by a clinical psychologist that evaluates your view of the world when it comes to other people, and what other people is to you.  

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Some very subtle examples of this would be (this is not comprehensive):

1) Sam is talking with Ana, Ana talks about her day and how her boss effed up big time today, Sam keeps on eating, looks up at Ana once during her recount of her day, once Ana is done speaking, Sam talks about this really cool thing he did on a video-game, mentioning nothing about what Ana just said. Once he's done retelling his stuff, Ana comments how fun the video-game sounds.

Sam in this case was not reciprocal of Ana's part of the communication, like a ping-pong of sorts, Sam let the ball pass him by and introduced his own ball. Ana, in turn, was reciprocal in her interaction when Sam told her about his video-game. If Sam shows this behaviour in various contexts and with various people, not just because,maybe he dislikes Ana, or was tired that day, we could say it's a subtle form of deficits in social-emotional reciprocity.

Most Anas of the world, when faced with a Sam that doesn't ping-pong the ball back would say "wasn't my boss dumb?" trying to get you to reciprocate her part of the communication, and subtle Sams of the world often reciprocate only when asked/prompted to.

2) Sally looks at people only when when she starts an interaction, but then her eyes wander around the other person's face and lips or the room as she talks. She looks away or to her feet when she's done. Mark, his brother, looks at people in the eye, and sends brief looks to their eyes again when he wants to make a point, and then looks at the person again to get confirmation they were done with their turn speaking so he can respond again.

If Sally rarely uses her eyes to signal the other person or to engage the other in their interaction, and it happens in most contexts and with most people, that's a subtle sign, because she actually makes eye contact, but only briefly and not through out the interaction, like Mark.

3) Danny has 2 friends at school, who he plays with during recess, he says they're are his best friends and he really likes them, parents assure me those three boys are thick as thieves, on further inquiring it is revealed Danny does not know their last names, which grade they're in or how far from school they live, when asked what they do during recess, each of them plays in their own mobile phone, but together in the game, it's an RPG of sorts. When asked why he's friends with these two boys, he says it's because they have good phones, and they can play together, when asked what's the best thing about friendship, he answers "mobile data", because he doesn't have a plan, but this other kid does and shares it with him when they play. When asked what's the difference between a friend and another person, he answers good friends are people you play with, when encouraged to expand his answer, he adds he's not friends with people who don't play X video-game.

On the surface, it looks like Danny is an average kid with average interests, he loves video-games and playing with friends during recess, he recounts how much time he spends with them, parents know about these kids. But when we look deeper, friends are only functional to him with no deeper understanding of an emotional bond.

Another example would be the person that when asked what's important about marriage, they tell you about children and how wives/husbands are to love and to cherish. Sounds romantic and cute. On a deeper dive they have no real understanding of the give and take a marriage takes and they only perform stereotypical roles they have gathered from watching TV/films and reading books, they can't really understand why their spouse gets their pants in a twist when they don't do X,or understand X thing, because they have been really dutiful in their perceived role as a spouse (so doing and/or understanding X fall out of their purview).

None of this traits/examples are enough to say somebody's autistic, but when put together along with the other criteria it could paint an ASD picture.

Hope this answer helped clarify stuff anon!