brotherlysuggestion

[brotherlysuggestion]

being "outside your comfort zone" is doing something unfamiliar and daunting while having the skills, support, and resources to get through it - safely and healthily. it helps you.

"pushing yourself past your limits" is doing something that distresses your body/mind without the skills, support, and resources you need. it puts you at risk of further illness, trauma, injury, etc. it hurts you.

and you are the only person on this planet who can decide which category something falls in. you do not need a doctor or therapist's approval in order to have limits. no amount of schooling or practice can make someone know your needs, mind, body, or life better than you.

please trust yourself. go outside your comfort zone and grow when you can, but otherwise? don't sweat it. you're a person. not a machine.

[brotherlysuggestion]

It’s crazy how low self-worth fucks with peoples lives

[brotherlysuggestion]

I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.

Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.

It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.

When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.

Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.

Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.

I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.

But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.

With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.

If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.

Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.

Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.

Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.

It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.

All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.

There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.

[brotherlysuggestion]

Hey, for any of my little sibs trying to learn to eat salads/vegetables but running into a lot of unhappiness/failure/sensory issues, I recently started learning to eat veggies after a lifetime of struggling due to autism and sensory issues, and I have some tips that I’ve collected along the way!

Forget all about the “healthiest varieties” or “most nutritional salads” elitism.

A lot of that talk is based on bogus science or half-truths to begin with, but even for anything that’s true, you’re trying to eat in a way that is sustainable for you. You don’t need to be like anybody else. If you like iceberg lettuce, screw the people who say “well that doesn’t have any nutritional value”. It’s fiber and roughage if nothing else! You like a lot of dressing or add ins and people tell you that isn’t a real salad/isn’t a healthy salad? It’s more vegetables than no vegetables! It gets the greens in your body! Do your thing, you don’t deserve guilt (external or internal) for figuring out your own path.

This is about habit forming and breaking bad associations to form better ones.

Think of this as practice! I eat salads nearly daily when available because I genuinely look forward to them now, but I used to want to retch at just the thought of salad. When I used to think of salads, I always thought of being a kid and trying not to gag while forcing sensory hell so that adults wouldn’t get mad at me. It was punishing for me, and it took a lot of gentle work to change that association! So if you hate salads, really try to identify why. Are they bland and tasteless to you? Conversely, are the bitter flavors too strong? Is it a textural thing? Do you have some highly negative experiences with them in the past?

Don’t force yourself to keep trying something you know you hate.

I personally can’t stand a lot of “ultra healthy” salads that have a lot of different textures/flavors mixed in, and years of trying to suffer through salads like that never made me like them more. Back to the first point again, forget about what you’re “supposed” to be eating and eat what you find the least repulsive tbh.

The greens you choose can make a massive difference, so try a lot of different things!

This is especially important if texture or flavor is an issue for you. Personally I find iceberg lettuce the “easiest” because it has a very mild taste. I started out my adventures in learning to eat salad eating EXCLUSIVELY iceberg lettuce. Butter lettuce or romaine (especially romaine hearts) are others that are popular for being pretty palatable, and I’ve come to love them! And you don’t even HAVE to have lettuce! You can have cabbage, beets, carrots, whatever! Pick a vegetable you like and search for salad recipes using it!

Find a dressing you really like and drench that bad boy if you need to!

Some people really like ranch, or poppyseed dressing, or vinaigrettes, or even sweet dressings with honey and fruit! You can use mustard or honey in dressings! Look up different types of salad dressings and try them all out if you want. Personally, I really like zingy dressings like Italian vinaigrettes or blue cheese, but everyone’s different. You can make a lot of dressings at home, too, and if you have the stuff already it can be a cheap way to find what you like. I know dressing freaks some people out, but referencing my very first point again; some salad is way better than no salad. You may even eventually find yourself able to use less and less once you’re more accustomed to eating salad! So use as much as you need, whether it’s just for now or forever.

Toppings! Salads are allowed to be goodies with obstacles!

Use a protein like chicken or fish (I like tuna a lot) or crumbled bacon, use croutons, hummus, little cubes of cheese or shredded cheese, sliced hard boiled eggs, whatever! If there’s vegetables that you know you like, put those in! I love some sliced cucumber or shredded carrots in my salads. Some people do nuts like almonds or cashews in their salads, some people use chickpeas and corn from a can, and if you’re feeling super adventurous you can try some fruit to sweeten things up! If you like variety then mix warm foods and cold foods, creamy textures and crunchy textures! Make it totally your own. Personally, I’ll sometimes eat around my croutons so that once I’ve eaten all of my greens I have a big, crunchy reward. There’s no rules for how you have to eat something!

Conversely, be as simple as you need to be.

If you need to get used to salads by eating just iceberg lettuce and ranch for a while, you don’t need to be embarrassed! You don’t have to throw the kitchen sink at your salad, even if that’s what helps some others! This is about what works for you.

Don’t be afraid to have salad ingredients… not as a salad!

You can make a green smoothie by blending ingredients if texture is your big issue! Or make a fruit smoothie with some spinach or lettuce thrown in to help you ease into it. Or try dicing up some lettuce, cabbage, and a preferred vegetable or two (avocado, bell pepper, tomato, or cucumber would all work!). Drizzle that with a generous amount of dressing or sauce, and you can use it as a chip dip! Tortilla chips work especially well for this. Or maybe make a vegetable wrap in an actual tortilla? Or throw some chopped up vegetables in your next soup. Even if it’s as simple as putting some lettuce, carrots, or tomatoes into a sandwich, that’s awesome too!

Even outside of salads, experiment with texture for vegetables!

You can roast most vegetables on a sheet pan in the oven (or in an air fryer) for a crispy and crunchy experience! Or you can boil or steam them on a stovetop (or in the microwave) to different levels of softness; you can get most vegetables pretty mushy with enough time, if crunchy textures are hard for you! Looking up vegetarian versions of your favorite meat-including dishes can sometimes also offer great ideas for getting different textures out of vegetables! Try everything that you think you might like: grilling, griddling, roasting, steaming, boiling, sautéing, braising, stir frying, and blanching (which also helps reduce bitterness!) are all different methods to look into, and different methods have different results with different vegetables!

Big takeaway…

Be patient and kind with yourself. Working through food aversions is hard. The goal is gently pushing/testing your boundaries and expanding your comfort zone, NOT forcing yourself. Forcing yourself into extreme discomfort, distress, or pain typically only makes aversions worse! So it’s in your best interest to be patient and go as slowly as you need to. Be proud of yourself for trying, and don’t let anyone (including yourself) make you feel shame for doing what you can.

And obligatory disclaimer:

Please don’t get discouraged if none of these tips work for you! This isn’t an exhaustive list, and I’m not any kind of professional. This is just a mix of tips I’ve seen online, and what worked for myself and my own sensory issues, and I’m still learning more about myself all the time! If you’re struggling, there’s still more out there! You can achieve your goals, I believe in you. 💖

[brotherlysuggestion]

Hey, bro, this is.. weird to say but here we are. I really hope y’all are okay and doing well ⊂(´• ω •`⊂)

I was in the suggestion community at its peak, one real popular blog and one more midsize but I just wanted to thank you for your kindness and help and care and support. You and your blog really did help a lotta people. And it really helped keep me here and keep me going. I happened to see a post of yours and it brought back so much tenderness and I’m so.. glad and grateful for you. All of you.

I’m a lot better and in much safer situations and have much more caring people now who treat and love me how I deserve. And I’m a much better, safer, more loving person too. I’m still growing through things and there’s still stormy days, but I’m so happy to be here. It’s really nice to be able to tell you this, to think that you’d maybe be proud of me, and I’m proud of you too.

I dunno if you’re still here and if you’ll end up reading this, you don’t have to, but.. thank you. so so much. Thank you <3

Hey, little sib 💖

I promise we are still here!! I know that we post very infrequently, but we’re definitely still here! (Tbh we spend a lot less time on tumblr as a whole across all of our blogs. I’ll personally check MAYBE once or twice a week for 5-15 minutes at a time. We also run this blog as a DID system, and some alters have fused or gone dormant over time, and we haven’t been fully sure how to navigate that wrt posting).

I’m so glad that you’re doing better than before! I’m glad that you could find a better environment, and we’re all absolutely, incredibly proud of you for putting in the work to grow as a person.

I hope that I’m not reading what you’ve said wrong (if I have, ignore me lol), but if I’m right; Remember that it’s hard (if not nigh impossible) to keep yourself from developing unhealthy behaviors/patterns when you’re trying to survive in a toxic environment. Even if they aren’t useful to you anymore, you needed them to survive at the time, and that isn’t a moral failing on your part. Remember to be gentle to yourself, and don’t hold past mistakes against yourself.

Honestly, I don’t know if we’ve ever shared this on this blog before, but I (Mod Static) made this suggestion blog when I was in a really dark place in my life. I was maybe 15 or 16? And either very close to needing to be taken inpatient at a psychiatric unit, or barely out of my time being inpatient in the psych unit. Part of this blog was protectors and caretakers (Mod Bandage and Mod Sunflower, especially) leaving little messages that they thought I needed to hear. Another part of it was me trying to reassure myself that things would be okay, sort of a “fake it ‘til you make it” thing?

The suggestion community being so welcoming, open, and interactive really did save me tbh. It made me feel like I had a use in the world (NOT to say that you have to be useful or in any way justify your existence to others, but it’s a personal hangup that I feel this way). That people would notice if I disappeared. I met a lot of friends through the community; some of which I still touch base with on occasion, and others that turned out not to be such great company to keep. Either way, those friends kept me alive, too, even if it was just long enough to meet better people for me.

I guess that ramble is to say that as much as I’ve helped anyone, I don’t know how much you all realize how much you’ve helped me. All of your asks made me feel like I needed to be here, whether it was the ones asking for advice, or dropping by to say hello, or thank-yous, or sharing successes. I’ll always be incredibly grateful for that.

I love you, all of my little siblings out there. Thank you for letting me be your brother.

[brotherlysuggestion]

Even if I didn’t have a solid plan, in the back of my head, I always assumed I’d kill myself.

Now I’m an adult and people my age have their lives in order and I’m stuck here, confused, because I never planned to be alive and I’m so far behind.

I feel like I’ll never catch up.

[brotherlysuggestion]

idk who needs to hear this rn but suffering is not noble. take the tylenol

[brotherlysuggestion]

Hey, you are not an embarrassment for not knowing how to do certain household chores/basic self-care. They do not come naturally to us. A lot of it takes practice! Maybe you had a neglectful guardian. Maybe you had one that was very coddling and never thought to teach you. Maybe you haven't lived in a place where these things were available to you or needed. Doesn't matter. It's okay to not know and far more common than you might realise.

That said, this website provides very simple instructions on how to do everyday tasks such as making your bed, using a washing machine, cooking different foods, washing dishes, taking a shower, etc. All you have to do is use the search bar to find the task you're struggling with, and it'll come up with what you need + other related how-to's:)

If you're having trouble navigating it, let me provide you with some examples:

How to clean dishes by hand

How to make your bed (with visual demonstrations of each step!)

How to fold clothes (with visual demonstrations of each step!)

How to take a shower & dry yourself off (also provides ways to shave beards, armpits, legs and genitals)

How to shave legs, armpits, beards, pubic areas, etc. (a more in-depth guide)

How to mop the floor

How to sweep the floor

How to swallow pills

How to make small talk

How to make eye contact in different situations (or how to avoid it while still looking natural)

It's also perfectly okay if these don't help or aren't appealing to you. Unfortunately, nothing helps everyone.

[brotherlysuggestion]

Alt text:

It’s ok to be disabled and happy. Being disabled does not mean you have to constantly suffer.

[brotherlysuggestion]

The first Grown Up Adult pro tip I have for my little sibs is that LG Electronics/Home Goods straight up has the worst customer service and machine servicing process I’ve ever undergone and I beg of you to consider a different brand tbh.

[brotherlysuggestion]

i know we're all sick of self-care being a marketing tactic now, but i don't think a lot of us have any other concept of self-care beyond what companies have tried to sell us, so i thought i'd share my favorite self-care hand out

brought to you by how mad i just got at a Target ad

[brotherlysuggestion]

hey older bro, i don't know if you're even active anymore but... i don't even know what my issue is or what i want to hear to be honest. i'm just really tired. my irl older brother is an asshole and he's trying to drag me to yet another "party" where he gets to parade me around like a zoo animal while all his friends laugh at me cause i'm weird and gay and alt and i don't get social queues and i just really wish he would stop.

but i love him, and i'm willing to do whatever i can to be around him. so i'm obviously gonna go. idk i just wish things were different.

sorry for bothering you

- a tired little sister

First of all, you’re not bothering me at all! None of my lil sibs could ever bother me by needing a place to vent or asking for advice, I promise. 💖

Secondly, onto your actual message… (Using a readmore because we all know I’m long winded, lol).

More than anything, I’m just so sorry to hear that you’re being treated like this. If someone is going to parade you around, you’d deserve for it to be because they think you’re so cool that they can’t help but want to show off to others how amazing their little sister is (and also done with your consent to being shown off, of course). There’s nothing laughable about you being different; if anything, it’s cool how despite (presumably) being raised in the same home, you and your older brother have such different aesthetics and ways of expressing yourselves! That should be celebrated and appreciated, not laughed at or belittled.

I could go on to say how this isn’t right and your brother isn’t treating you with the same love that you clearly hold for him, or how you should put your foot down. I don’t want to be pressuring or pushy though (clearly you have enough of that already), so I won’t go on any tangents without you expressly asking for it.

I will ask you to think about if this kind of relationship is sustainable for you, though. Sometimes loving someone has to include boundaries not only for your own sake, but for the sake of the relationship’s integrity. “I love you, so I won’t let you treat me in a way that makes me resent you”. “I love you, so I won’t stand by and let you go down a bad path in life without speaking my mind”. “I love you, so while you figure yourself out I’m going to give you space to avoid permanently damaging my opinion of you”.

Obviously you should do, or not do, things for your own sake! You deserve to be protected and cherished, and your older brother isn’t being a good big brother (or person, really) by encouraging situations that demean you. But sometimes for myself I’ve noticed that it’s easier for me to set boundaries when I keep in mind that ultimately, setting healthy boundaries mean you’re invested in that relationship enough to try and make it work! Healthy boundaries mean that you’re looking for longterm sustainability, and that’s as much of a declaration of love as anything! It’s tough when other people don’t always share the same view, but maybe remembering this for yourself can make you more confident in your right to have boundaries and limits?

No matter what conclusion you come to from this, or how you decide to move forward, I hope that you can take some reprieve in the fact that this isn’t a permanent life stage, most likely. I hope that I’m not assuming too much by thinking that you two might still be high school aged, or maybe barely in college? If I’m right, then honestly even if your brother stays an asshole, the people around him will find it less and less entertaining, most likely. Which will give him less and less reason to do it.

Tbh, on a college campus I wouldn’t even blink twice if I saw someone in full EDM Rave attire or an entire Victorian hoop skirt dress and corset. Eventually in life, most well adjusted people get to a point where weirdness becomes less of a “laughing at you” thing and more of an “admiration from afar, and I’m actually a little bit delighted when I see you despite never having spoken to you” type thing… At least in my experience. (Shout out to my old campus’s student that looked straight up like a modernized Rasputin. Or that guy who took a longboard everywhere. You made my days brighter). This isn’t an incentive to put up with it to “try and stick it out” though!! But it is a reassurance to maybe help you emotionally deal with this behavior and any potential resulting conflict.

Also, I’m sure you already know this stuff, but I’d be a bad older brother if I didn’t at least make note of it: Please try to stay safe at any parties you’re going to! Exercise safety and caution even around people that your older brother seems to trust; you don’t know who someone is behind closed doors, especially if they’re already prone to jerk behavior. There’s a lot of really good resources online for staying safe at parties, but I’ll link a few just for your leisurely-skimming pleasure.

(Tw that most of these mention or discuss alcohol, drugs, accidental overdoses, and/or sexual assault).

UCDavis’s SafeParty Resource Guide. This is my absolute favorite and is very comprehensive. It’s basically a directory where you can click on whatever is applicable to you, or that you’d like to learn more about. I recommend their Ready To Party page (for tips before, during, and during a party), First Time Drinking page (tips and advice that’s good for even experienced partiers imo!), and How to be an Upstander (tips on how to approach advocating for yourself and others in the worst case scenario)

Teen Vogue’s Prom Afterparty Guide. aimed towards hosts and first time partiers, but still has good advice! Especially about potential overdoses.

Teen Vogue’s Spring Break Tips. There’s a lot of advice about traveling, but they have good tips about safety precautions like avoiding coercion, buddy systems, and keeping your phone charged!

[brotherlysuggestion]

One thing I don't think the Spoon metaphor has helped able-bodied people understand is that you can overdraw.

Generally, for most conditions, running out of spoons doesn't mean you collapse, doesn't produce an effect they can actually see. What it means is that you run on life support, quite possibly unsafely, until you get to a safe place and can stop. But you'll owe those spoons back, with interest. You'll have hurt yourself to do it.

Sometimes I hang out with a friend and they'll be like, wow, I'm really glad you had a good day. And I have to decide whether to make them feel bad by explaining that in fact they did not catch me on a good day, and tomorrow will probably be bad. I just made choices.

[brotherlysuggestion]

this autism acceptance month, I’d like to offer a shoutout to autistic people with high support needs.

it’s okay if you’re never going to be independent. it’s okay if you need help with tasks that other people think are easy. it’s okay if you need help with looking after yourself. it’s okay.

acknowledging that you need to rely on other people is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. you deserve to get the support you need. you deserve to be able to have autonomy over your life. you deserve to be able to lead the life you want to lead, even if that includes more support than the average person.

it’s okay.

[brotherlysuggestion]

Want to go on a date with someone with a cane and chronic pain?

- Make sure the place where you’re going is accessible!  Your date might opt to use a wheelchair that day, and if they’re using a cane, best to make sure there aren’t a silly number of stairs involved in whatever date you’re considering.

- Call ahead to the place to see if wheelchairs are available to borrow if you’re going somewhere that involves a lot of walking and standing around, like a museum.

- If your date is using a cane, they likely only have one arm to hold things.  Consider bringing their food/drinks to the table along with yours– let them claim a booth while you get the food!

- Be prepared and willing to be someone’s physical support sometimes, especially if your date is having a rough leg day.

- Be prepared for a Plan B Date: it’s so awesome to have a back-up plan for the date if the day comes around and your person is spoonless.  Believe me, it’ll mean a lot.

[brotherlysuggestion]

I was talking about being afraid of people leaving me behind because I'm too sick, and my boyfriend just looked at me and said: "It's my choice to be your boyfriend. It's your friends choice to be your friends. You don't have to understand it, but you have to respect our choice. Don't try to make the decision of whether you're worthy of people on their behalf because that's not your decision to make." I think that's an important thing to remember. That whether we're worthy of someone's time and effort is something others can decide for themselves regardless of whether or not we agree with them. There's a lot of peace in realizing that literally all you have to do is accept the love other people choose to throw your way. That you aren't the one who gets to determine that you aren't worthy of their love. That other people can choose to love you regardless of how you feel about yourself - and that you can learn to respect their choice even though you're feeling unworthy.