#that wasnt the problem. i dont think people realize like. The extent and what even happened

[corvidares]

okay, so i just finished re-reading Any Way the Wind Blows and this feels so blatant as to be smacking me in the face: simon is disabled.

now, the reason why that makes itself even clearer in this book than in wayward son (where he, of course, also has the wings + tail) is because simon is once again in the world of mages - despite doing his best to leave it behind. compared to wayward son, where hes basically and literally in the wild west. where theres magical beings everywhere, where simon practically fits in because he is one.

but ill get back to that.

ive seen a lot of really interesting points about what simon's wings represent and mean, and i'm not disagreeing with those. but in a very literal sense, they are a disability.

think about it like this: the world of mages (and Normals) is not built for humanoids who have giant webbed wings and a tail. simon constantly struggles with controlling these limbs, and their size makes it ten times harder. spaces are too small, furniture and objects are broken when he spreads them, and many a shirt or jacket are ruined.

he struggles to find a good way to deal with this - spell them away? wear them out by cutting holes in things? fold them extremely painfully into his shirt? even though this last one is treated like a solution for a little while, its far from ideal. who is simon doing this for? himself, or everyone around him? yes, of course Normals cant see them. and yeah, hes expressed discomfort about baz and penny spelling them hidden. but thats not the point. even with this botch job of a way to "wear" his wings, which succeeds at hiding them from Normals, simon still states a couple times that he knows people stare at him and his seeming hunchback. i mean, thats blatant.

(he eventually, with shepard's help, realizes a good way to work around this - zippers or buckles on shirtbacks - which very much feels like an aha! disability aid moment)

im not saying disability is based in how people look at you, or it only being a societal thing. (as in, when he wasnt in the world of mages, he wasnt suddenly 'not disabled at all') disability is a huge spectrum. but those things absolutely can be a part of the disabled experience.

but all of that doesnt even get to my main point: simon has no magic anymore. and in the world of mages, thats a huge deal. magic is like living and breathing, especially for baz and penny. its not something they question or have to worry about not being able to call upon. hell, even before simon lost his magic he was disabled, just to a different extent.

before awtwb, we dont hear much about mages whose magic is weak. but they come to the forefront now - which just solidifies that solid magical ability = able bodiedness.

smith is promising a miracle cure. a cure. think of it like bullshit orgs such as aut!sm spe@ks, wanting to "cure" autism - he wants to cure people. (and hes just as full of shit) why? because weak magic is seen as a disease, a problem, even subhuman.

take daphne, baz's stepmom. her quality of life is fine, great. her weaker magic doesnt seem to put her at a disadvantage. she manages her disability well. but in comparison to the norm, to what is expected of the average mage, shes got nothing. less than nothing. she feels shame over what she cant do.

smith's case becomes even more blatant when we see, at the end of awtwb, that he wants to essentially cull weak magicians. that they're holding back society. that theyre better off as powerless as Normals - who are blatantly seen as subhuman - than as weak mages. much like how ableist rhetoric puts forward that disability is a fate worse than death.

which brings us back to simon. he insists hes a Normal, now or always has been. baz insists hes the most powerful magician to exist. both of them are wrong.

and right. and right and wrong.

simon is some third thing - not a mage, not a Normal. akin to how disability is its own minority aside from race or ethnicity he has a foot in each world, and he always has. but now he cant achieve blending into either.

this is why the increasing presence and humanization of other magical beings beside mages is so important (thank you shephard!) how mages tend to seem magical beings is very ableist. theyre subhuman, theyre not to be trusted, theyre freaks, theyre dirty, etc. except oops, how can you keep thinking that penny, when this very nice one works at a cafe and helped you translate shephard's engagement terms?

even baz and the events of wayward son play into this - yeah, some vampires are horrible people. but plenty, like baz, are just people. with a range of experiences and morals and ways of living life. (take nicodemus) (i could make a point about how simon's stalwart acceptance of baz's vampirism helps baz comes to terms with it and how this is also super disability coded, but thats another essay)

in the beginning of awtwb, he decides to go to the extreme opposite of his chosen one powered life - to live as a Normal, and the second step (after cutting himself off from baz and penny) is getting his wings removed.

except he cant do it. and even having his wings touched is horribly uncomfortable. now, this partly has to do with how much theyre sensual parts of his body - same as his tail. but its also, separately, very intimate. theyre treated very clinically, like a fascinating specimen to pore over. im not trying to give niamh shit here, just saying what i saw.

but theyre part of him. people with disabilities often deal with being stared at and poked and prodded by the medical field (if theyre not ignored or waved off. maybe both.). even every day folks feel the right to touch disabled folks, or their mobility aids.

for a lot of people, mobility aids are a part of them - its like a stranger touching your face and thinking theyre doing you a favor. when instead theyre being weird as fuck.

simon's status as previous chosen one even plays into this sort of thing - people see him more as a figurehead, for what he can and cant do (including his wings!) than a person. hes a tragedy, hes a hero. hes inspirational, hes to be pitied. sound familiar?

the end of awtwb doesnt spell out whether simon ends up deciding to keep his wings (frustratingly). but they spell out that he would absolutely would, in my opinion.

simon increasingly treats them as a natural extension of his body. think of the scene where he flies about the watford goats. how he expresses his feelings with his wings and tail. and of course, how he learns to let baz loves each and every part of him: including his dragon limbs.

baz loves him, and loves them, not in a fetishistic way, but because its simon, and he loves everything simon is. not just what he represents or can or cant do.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Like idk it's probably obvious to everyone else that mental illnesses have varying severities but some part of me just really wanted to believe I could relate to everyone. Which is stupid and presumptuous of me of course but you know. I think I just didn't want to feel isolated. Of course I don't need to relate to *everyone* I'm friends with but it would be nice to have a few yknow

I'm starting to think that maybe there is a difference between simply having mental illness and being disabled by your mental illness

[matoitech]

don't recall if you ever elaborated but how long do blue's relationships usually last

ooo good question i dont think i have! id say typically as an average (so there were many that were shorter) prooobably a few months for actual committed relationships, anything casual can range longer bcuz there isn’t as many expectations for him lol. he’s not very good at committing or being there for people emotionally (or physically, hes gone a lot w his job) he’s not rly empathetic and he can get rly stuck in his head and self obsessed. he leans more towards casual relationships bcuz hes self aware enough to realize his behavior and wants in general w relationships r not conducive for healthy committed relationships but hes fighting thru a lot of conflicting instincts in them and it tends to bring up a lot of shit w his background or his own problems he doesnt want to deal with (and it inevitably blows up in his face)

his longest 'it went for at least a couple years without a breakup' relationship was with his bands original bassist but they were really young when they dated like, late teens, very early twenties, somewhere around there. she was his first relationship and a lot of shit happened though and he broke up w her and it kinda turned him off from serious relationships. im keeping it vague not only for spoilers but bcuz i know what kind of route i want to take with it but im not sure how implied vs very obvious i want to go with it yet

his longest relationship Now as an adult solidly in his 20s is probably his and elle’s on-again off-again thing, i dunno the exact timeline for the longest they’ve been together before they broke up again but id assume probably smth like six months to a year (a year feels like its stretching it but ill be generous), though they’ve had their Thing going on for a few years at least at this point though. on again off again yknow. theyve had months to maybe even a year in between seeing each other sometimes. but that’s not the norm for him bcuz when they get back together he does actually want to try to some extent, however long that feeling of wanting to make more of an effort lasts before they both get frustrated again lol

anyway hes like capable of longer lasting relationships just him or the other person/people didnt want it to/werent rly ready for it to get serious, or he makes bad decisions and he also makes bad decisions in who he chooses to date sometimes where they just dont Work and no amount of forcing it is gonna make it happen. or he loses interest in ppl or the relationship quickly.or he thinks damn i just wanted to have a fwb or something actually but now i got myself into this whole relationship and i dont actually want to date them. he also just isnt a very good communicator so to him smth that wasnt supposed to be serious can feel a lot more serious to whatever person/people he was with and he gets himself into shit for it, or vice versa bcuz other ppl r often not good communicators too, etc etc. so in tldr: USUALLY NOT VERY LONG. LOL

[reverberation-ensemble]

i feel like elena represents some of the more complicated issues in the reverberation ensemble tbh

obviously shes a bloodfiend and she needs blood from living things ( most of her targets are humans ) to survive , and even if her actions were sinister or unnecessary ( like building an entire hideout inside of the citys sewage with human interiors ) i dont think she was 100 % wrong for mostly going after humans . however how she handled that is debatable

i dont think there are many non human organisms in the city ( saying this instead of " animals " because the crabs [something we consider animals] are referred to as Organisms in limbus , though maybe animal & organism is interchangable ? ) and she admits that the skin , bone & organ is not what shes looking for , but instead the flesh & blood of the organism .

i also dont expect her to find a place that just so happens to be giving out blood donations & be able to make sufficient enough funds without starving or dehydrating herself , ( even if they were able to survive without blood , iirc for bloodfiends theyre mostly impulsive & have an unquenchable thirst specifically For blood ) . elena says shes a victim solely because shes a bloodfiend , which , shes not a victim of roland directly for that ( despite blaming him for certain things ) .

she is a victim of the city , she lacked any kind of help she could turn to so she turned to worse choices , while she couldve easily stuck to the backstreets to target her victims , the people there were probably malnourished & mostly boney , so she had people kidnapped from the nest instead . the problem arrives when she brags about her kill count to roland & angelica : 4172 . she absolutely did not need to do this , she speaks as if what shes doing is barely a problem or even honourable , it doesnt come off as someone who was starving and felt like it was the only right thing to do .

i know earlier i said she wasnt 100 % wrong for certain things , but she also isnt … right about certain things . while she did use part of her targets for food she also used their veins for decoration , she felt almost nothing towards them , she only saw them as prey to catch & kill . obviously shes dehumanizing her victims , but shes not human herself . shes a humanoid bloodfiend . maybe you could argue that she should be held up to the moral standards of a human because she can think & act like one , but i dont think thats entirely true . shes animalistic in a way , she has certain uncontrollable urges & needs that a human wouldnt .

regardless , shes still not entirely a " victim " of roland but she places the blame on him since he bested her a major fight few years back . she was a victim of the way the city treated her maybe earlier in her life , but her actions arent really justifiable when she gets to the point where shes flat out bragging that she killed over 4000 people . the system failed her as a bloodfiend but she failed to find a better solution .

but all of this is kinda weird when you take into consideration that the discrimination elena faced for being a bloodfiend is an allegory for racism , ofcourse i know that fiction & reality arent comparable in certain cases ( like roland being forgiven or let off by someone who wasnt even harmed by his past extreme actions ) , but i guess its itchy to think about for me especially considering who i am & what ive experienced . elena is someone whos obviously went down the wrong path due to the discrimination she faced but a lot of her issues didnt even come directly from the racism she faced as a bloodfiend , i dont like to think that shes using it as an excuse or mask but instead that she doesnt realize the full extent of what shes done is awful . ofcourse shes not excused of her actions because of that though .

TL;DR shes practically morally grey but mostly leaning towards just being kind of " evil " , some things she does are straight up awful but some things are just the result of her being chased into a corner . this entire txt was just the result of me being really passionate about her character , i dont know if i fucked up inbetween the paragraphs ( i was constantly finding a way to close this up without leaving any loose ends ) but i think its mostly fine ? im really tired it was like 9pm when i started writing this . as if now its like 10 : 23pm , ive revised the past paragraphs a little to make sure things actually make sense so i think im done . feel free to tell me what you think .

[vvyrmwood]

doin a lot of thinkin :/

[standarrow]

abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it. 

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger. 

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low. 

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car) 

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy. 

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control. 

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

[ihavenoconsistentname]

Ok actual vent-ish time

Not really a vent more of a ramble about something that just happened but I'll label it vent-ish anyway

So! 👏

All good things have an end, all things in GENERAL have an end-

Eh fuck it

Jamie and I broke up

This morning I got a text on discord and I saw oh it's from Jamie and immediately saw oh it's a long message and reading the notif I was like ah I know what's coming—and this was the thing I mentioned way earlier—I actually didnt feel a wave of anxiety like I thought I would, but that's probably because I've been anticipating it for a while internally. Not that I wanted it to happen?? Its just I've been expecting it to happen because our relationship had some issues, namely communication, and this is all on me. Now, I know people will say oh it's bad to just blame yourself for everything but in this case: shush, shut up. I literally have full reason to blame myself because it really is my fault!! This isnt me blaming myself, it's me owning up to my mistakes, there's a difference.

Now, in this one year we had been together, and yeah it's only one year because we're 13 so—we kind of drifted apart for a few reasons. 1. He changed schools so we couldn't see each other irl (his parents? Hate me- I'm trans so they hate me, they think him being trans is stupid or bad and act like I influenced him and it's a trend or some shit ITS NOT!! But that's not the point here) which contributed to problem 2, which was that we missed each other too much and couldn't do anything about it so we both were upset by that. 3, and this is the main problem, we didnt talk a lot. We dont talk enough anymore because it's hard. I used my poor social skills as an excuse and that was bad of me, I should have tried harder to really talk to him. But I didnt, I didnt try hard enough, and we suffered from that. He told me how he kept it to himself that he was kind of upset seeing me have conversations with my friends and stuff yet I couldn't talk to him. And I'm glad he said that because it helped me really see how I fucked up, which I did. I was always afraid I would do something to hurt him and I did, I even failed to recognize it. Which was bad, of course. We both tried to contribute to the relationship, of course, but we just lacked the communication to keep it stable, and this was mostly on me.

Obviously, we havent lost any love or trust for each other, we just agreed maybe it cant work as a relationship anymore because we just lack the ability to keep it that way. This was his decision, and I let it be his decision, because I contributed to the problem so much more and it wasnt fair to him, so I let him choose what to do and I wanted him to do what would benefit him and his own mental health over mine, especially since it was his being harmed by it.

And theres no way in hell I could be upset with him, not after all he's done for me. He said it multiple times he was worried he would be hurting or upsetting me, but he didnt do that at all.

Hell, just the fact that he even gave me a chance. I'm an absolute mess. I'm a dumpster fire. I'm a problematic ball of anxiety and bad emotions. Yet he saw me and still let me try. He tried with me, and I tried with him. He let me do that. Barely anyone else would do that for me to that extent. He gave me a chance, and theres no way I could ever be mad at him after that. It means so much to me that he even tried.

But the thing that really matters to me is that this is what was best for him, and probably best for both of us since I wanted what was best for him. That's the important part. You'll see all these people "dating" other people at my age and they're just dating for the sake of dating. The majority of them either don't truly love each other like that or they're so loosely connected and do it for some other benefit. But you have to remember that a relationship takes effort from both people to keep it going, it takes mutual love and understanding and trust, it takes healthy communication—something ours sadly lacked. Without that, it really cant be a stable or good relationship, or there just isnt enough there to really call it one.

And even though it's over now, we're still friends. We refuse to stop loving each other even after this. We still have a strong connection with each other. That's how you know we really did try. And I'm glad we tried, because if he never gave me that chance in the first place, I might not have had such a driving force behind my existence and me still being here and alive. Even if we didnt talk much, he kept me stable. He was there as a reminder that I had something good in my life, that I had a reason not to die. And it kept me going long enough to see the other good things in my life. If he didnt do that for me, I could have been gone too soon to realize I had something.

He pretty much helped save my life and I can't thank him enough for that. I'm just so glad he gave me a chance.

[sc756]

Huge rant thats gonna be an unorganized, messy mess

okay so this has been going on for almost 2 months now but i think i completely fucked my spine??? some days ill be completely fine like no pain or anything and some days it literally cripples me and i want to scream from pain i literally dont know what i did, i’m concerned but ive taken no time to see a doctor or anything same for my mental health, some days im completely fine and some days my mind is just completely blank and bleh. i hate those days because i know i really anger the people around me and when they point out the fact that im depressed in a manner saying they dont appreciate me being sad, that makes it worse. a lot worse. same for people casually pointing things out about me that make me feel invalid. People think it’s okay to point out my acne or certain problems with my body, face, hair, skin, literally anything. Like, really? Don’t you have anything better to do? also dysphoria is annoying and really stupid, because some days i feel really feminine and yeet and some days my body is like “you are man and that cannot be changed” and im like “but-” “NO YOU ARE MAN” and completely invalidates me speaking of invalidating me have i mentioned my family????? probably some of the lowest scum ive ever met. my parents think its completely okay to shrug off the mental health issues ive talked to them about and they only find it an excuse for why im not doing well in school. Gee, i wonder why academic failure is more common amongst people with mental illnesses. because its a symptom, fucknugget. they also think its completely okay to take away from me what keeps me sane, happy, and alive. so when they find out im failing, my christmas break is really gonna suck nuts. especially with the stress that already comes near holiday times.  honestly, i wish i had a way out of this house. its a toxic, judgemental, invalidating hellhole that i only go there for for food, water, and my healthy coping mechanisms. but no, its okay to take away your child’s safe coping mechanisms but leave them completely alone with their thoughts and full, unmoderated access to unhealthy and deadly mechanisms. fuckin morons. sometimes  i wonder if i still make a difference. because im writing this right now and im sure the people/person i want to see this just... wont. like, am i that important? im just one person and i barely do anything. i dont have many redeeming qualities if... anything that special about me. im funny, i guess? i dont know. i really just want things to be okay for me and the people i love. because frankly, for me, things are gonna suck real soon if my family keeps doing what they’re doing. also, im fucking worried all the time about the people i love. especially my boyfriend. i know its natural, to some extent, but i worry about him everyday. i know it kinda upsets him, and, yeah, it upsets me that i cant stop worrying, but it shows i care, right? except when it gets annoying. i know i get annoying. everyone denies it but i know i get needy and clingy and just overall stupid. people have told me to my face and i know they’re right. my boyfriend’s even told me. its not a bad thing, its them being honest and i need to stop being those ways. especially needy. sometimes ill hug him and i just dont feel wanted. like what im doing isnt worth the time because it wasnt recieved well. do you ever feel unwanted by the people you love? the people that keep you around, the reason you wake up? because i do. all the time. i feel like a nuisance more than i’d like to admit. like things were better before i came along. but then i realize i have done a lot for the people i love. but then i realize that’s in the past. do i still do things for them? am i doing anything anymore? am i worth anyones time anymore? it it worth it? Am I worth it? i dont know. i just want things to be alright, yknow? just... i want things to be okay. ill fight tooth and claw for things to be right. i just want things to be okay. thats all. thats really all. drink water. - J

[flockofdoves]

been gaining weight pretty quickly this month (which is good! i’m glad i seem to be improving a lot with eating normally again and my stomach is slowly tolerating things better) and i’m pretty disaociated from my body i didnt realize how much i lost before its kinda wild the few moments of clarity i did have (like it wasnt objectively a shocking image just in comparison to my typical weight throughout the past few years) and now ive only started realizing ive gained weight again because my boobs keep ffucking hurting like i’m going through puberty again to a lesser extent i havent worn bras regularly in like a year and a half (and no i dont have small ones i know a lot of people with breasts my size think its something they physically cant do or w/e but really as long as you dont care about looking “saggy” (so what lol) physically i think its actually felt better for me than the “support” of a bra i only wear sports bras with button ups to avoid when they open up) but yeah god i might need to wear one for a bit again just bc they hurt lol i think this maybe is a sign to start actively pursuing transition stuff again soon

wait actually coming back to this like an hour later bc i was curious what my bra size is and

why is sizing so complicated it should not be this hard what

i think i only thought i knew how it worked before because i wayyyy measured myself wrong

what are you even supposed to do for measuring when the middle of them sags well below where your band measurement is

trying to look this up just made me angry because instead of tips for properly measuring i only got “prevent saggy breasts” “saggy breasts are a problem that effects some women when they age or breast feed heres our special expensive bras to treat them” like literally shut up theres nothing “wrong” about it thats literally just how things are gonna be for most people with larger breasts. i should not be surprised but even the smallest forays into femininity never fail to disappoint me

thought i was like a 36~38D~DD but i’m actually like . somewhere in the broad category of 32~34F~K no matter which method of measuring/chart i used. which is wild because at only slightly less than i am now i thought i was a B cup for ages just because i wore the tightest sports bras lolol

so lol yeah i already wasn’t planning on buying any more bras but like. that cements it bc thats even more expensive and inaccessible

also maybe some of my posture issues are from my boobs??? but bras did literally nothing for that. granted they werent the right size i’m learning now but i don’t like their general feeling or how they look on me or anything. binding also isn’t possible most of the time for me anymore with my fibro and chronic fatigue and how it exacerbates back problems/muscle and rib pain/preexisting shortness of breath so i’m actually really happy with where i’ve come to in the past couple years in feeling comfortable with my breasts as they naturally sit/look and not feeling constantly aware of them and just letting them be and part of my body just wearing what i wear without bras. i still am pretty sure i’d like top surgery because aesthetically it’d be easier for me and it’d make a lot of outfits less of a hassle to pull off and button ups would be easier because i wouldnt have to choose between camis when its hot out and ill fitting sports bras. and like. yeah i still have some gender dysphoria (for lack of a better term. idk how to say it shortly without getting into All That personally) surrounding them but i think its a lot less central than it used to be when i had to think about wearing bras and even binders and stuff they just felt a lot more central to my life and alien while now i could deal with them probably outside of the still consistent but less constant reminders of 1. i am a person who is perceived by others and 2. sometimes just. objectively physically they are uncomfortable and annoying and 3. the taboo on showing them in our world and how our clothing is structured doesnt help

[blackhatsaredrycleanonly]

I was sitting with the bean and he said sonething, and my instinct was to correct him. I can feel it now. I go over stuff in my own head all the time, always trying to coreect myself before I say anything. Or sometines I say things and realize afterwards that it was wrong, or incorrect, or even an expression that doesnt match what feeling I'm trying to show. So i try to correct the things ive already let out of my mouth.

But he said something and I checked what he said to see if there was anything to be corrected. What is that shit? I know the feelings attached to it, to be helpful, to guide, but I dont know anything. To be honest a lot of the things I ha e corrected people on I was avtually the one that was wrong.

Lately whe someone has said something that I think is wrong, Ive been letting it go. Choosing peace over whatever the hell the depth of that correcting action is. Choosing ither peoples feelings over the idea that it would just be helpful. Or that Im focused on what is real or not instead of knowing that Im not measuring reality, Im measuring what I know. What I inow is not the same thing as what is. Does that make sense?

For so long Ive felt like an oblivous idiot that bately knew anything, and that to prevent anyone else from feeling that I need to help bh offering the little information I had learned, even recent information. I thought that since I considered myself uninformed, that the information was outside of me, that it had corrected something else I knew, that it meant that I wasnt arrogant.

But now Im thinking that being certain that I know 5% of anything is just as arrogant as thinking 100% of one topic or 5% of everything. Its not the amount, its not matching an image of people youve thought of as arrogant. It's the certainty of anything, to the extent that you are closed off and unwilling to listen to anything else.

I feel like there is something in between arrogance and indecision. There has to be a sort of confidence that is flexible and open but still strong.

Thise things I didnt correct? I checked on later. I found out too things. One, on some of those things I was wrong anyway. And I learned yet again that its not 5% its 0%. Two? Some of those things I was right about. And not having said anything about it? It did nothing. They dont walk around with the internal feeling and external reputation of being completely ignorant and trash. Im projecting my own feelings onto others and trying to help them with something that isn't their problem. Its just me. And letting it pass meant i minded my own business.

Thats what it means, thats what it means to not be an asshole in one small area. I know nothing. I find out I know less every day. And that what I do know isnt valuable. Im just an arrogrant jerk holding on to a few pieces of info because I clutching them out of fear of being stupider than I am.

So i give up. I back down. Im an idiot. I will listen. I will keep my mouth shut. I will learn what i can, try to have confidence in something, but certainty in nothing. And Im sorry to the world for being an explainer, a mansplainer, an arrogant ignorant dick.

Time to use some teamwork to tackle the kitchen. Just a lot if things on my mind.

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[good-or-bad-luck]

its my blog i do what i want have this long ass post about me calling out myself by looking at 3 common things i do with ocs ft me listening to episode 93 of critrole2 and its 1 am

anyway. three types of ocs. Daydreaming Evil. Calm Before the Storm. and Smile Despite Everything. because its my chaarcters i can give them youtube rant names.

Daydreaming Evil- this is the more obvious one to me? but i dont talk about these characters a lot so yeah. Delia. Dolphin. Mallag/Capti to some extent. and a Glitch thats yet to be named but is planned. its pretty obvious with these. all of these characters have magic, some power in them, and instead of like being a superhero or fighting crime they went and said “im going to just. make my own world” and they did. Delia made Delos. Dar Captivus and Mallag worked together to warp the Shivering Isles into their own world. Dolphin used her animus magic to make everything Right and Correct on Pyrrhia. Glitch made a virtual reality world they can control and never left it ever. The problem? all of them, in some way. end up being the bad gyus, being the villain. so caught up in their own world theyve made and being so Stuck in it they turn out, wonky. for Dolphin its the side effects in canon for animus magic. for Glitch its trying to pull people into the world they made so everyone can be Happy and not in the real world. for Mallag and Captivus its well the Realm of Madness. and for Delia its becoming so Stressed with everything thats happening in the real world that she just Breaks and almost never leaves Delos if it wasnt for her friends there to help her. and even then it was because delia let them she had every power to say “no” and stay in the world of her creation forever. theyre characters who hated the world they lived in so much that they made their own but ultimately became corrupt because of it, and hurt the people around them.

Calm Before the Storm- a lot of people ive talked to have noticed this part of my ocs. its Willow and Eddie specifically (and monumentbreaker the flightrising dragon, i only rememberd her after typing this all out so ill tack her onto the end). the only two big ocs that have this. theyre mad. theyre angry. im angry too sometimes. but there is a difference between willow and eddie. Willow is an adult character yeah. she saw her anger she Saw how reckless she could get and she said “i need to fix this” and went adn asked. she found help and its There in the way she talks and looks at people that frustuerate her but its controled like the magic in her blood. it was out of control and sometimes it might get out of control again but willow looked at it and went “ill figure out how to fix this.” and she did. and then theres Eddie. Eddies different. Eddie’s a highschooler like me and they dont know how to fix it. theyve hurt people theyve lashed out theyve broken things and thought bad things about wanting to hurt people and she doesnt feel bad about the  thoughts until shes calmed down from that anger. but eddies also scared. she doesnt talk about how she gets mad or looks for help because theyre scared. they dont want people to look at them and think “theyre mad. theyve hurt things when mad. theyll hurt me” because thats what eddies scared to do. shes so worried that one day shes going to lash out and hurt someone bad. theyre too scared to look for help because all anger that theyve seen everywhere in media in memes in movies in video games and in shows and comics the person whos mad like that never wants to get better. they never even get the chance to get better. theyres never the moment when they freeze or breakdown because of how mad they get and how they hurt something like maybe smashing something on the ground. theyre always happy that they hurt something. and thats what eddie is terrified to become. Willow is what Eddie wants to be, able to control that anger and not let it fester, but theres a lot in the way of that. Monumentbreaker (whos human name is Des so lets call her that) is like Eddie, bit where eddie never confronter her anger and kept it bottled up and tried despretly not to hurt anyone, Des let it out, often. she constantly shoved people away with this anger in small bursts to try and say “i dont want you here (im scared ill hurt you)” so whenever she meets Peach, her eventual bestfriend and girlfriend, and they just dont leave. it scares Des. and eventually when Des does finally explode in a fit of anger and does the things eddie does above she Runs, and she doesnt look back at Peach. however Des is right between Eddie and Willow, because Peach doesnt leave like Des thought, they stay and is still Des’ friend (and gf). and thats what helps Des look at the anger and try and adress it.

Smile Despite Everything- classic dani trope :) characters like this inculude Zari, Eve, Merlot, Raye, 13, Valerie, and some others im problaby forgetting. its how i realized the patters in my characters after it i think it was my friend cynda pointing it out with Zari, Eve, and 13. because there are a lot more characters here im just going to cut to the chase. all of these characters has had something Bad happen to them. for zari it was being forced into her arena and starved since she was little, for raye it was experimentation at the hands of people who did not deserve the scientific power they had, for eve it was suicide attempts and horrific boughts of depression, for 13 it was alien abductions and getting litteraly thrown out to the dogs and left for dead. but above all what really makes them all stand out is that, Zari wears a bright smile while finding a flowercrown for her fiancee Willow, 13 talks to other characters on the spaceship with a bright smile, Raye loves to help people and encourage her girlfriends love of science, Eve loves to play sports and talk for hours with stella about math and space. theyve all been through their own hell and came out on the other side. and with all if them they didnt come out smiling but eventually they said “well im still here. and im still going to be happy” and they did that. “despite everything its still you” and thats what they did. Eve, 13, and Raye’s scars will never fully heal Zari is never going to get her feathered wings back Valerie and Merlot will never have magic but thats, okay. theyre here, and theyre happy to be here. they deserve that chance, and they saw it and took it

[unproduciblesmackdown]

How do u feel about Eno from MonsterKind?

closes book & spins around in chair—oh! didnt see you there. well i’m glad you asked. sets down cup i was drinking from.

tldr i quietly cherish him. i figure it is not exactly his best look right now but i would be surprised if it was to turn out he is/was secretly evil & trying to work against everybody the whole time lmao…..honestly i figured that things were doomed in this way when kip said he trusts eno the most…….that can’t go unpunished. rip

but it is also an endorsement that he must’ve been top quality all this time if kip trusts him that much. i doubt its as Misguided as just being taken advantage of. no idea what the broader con here needs to further take advantage of re: kip….the fact that ppl listen to him whether he likes it or not? or that he can probably survive mad low temps? if he was assumed to die back in the day then the latter seems somewhat relevant one way or another. but i am too dumbassed to make good guesses w/little info

anyways i’m kind of assuming…that eno does sort of have suspicions or straightforward knowledge abt what happened behind the scenes, & its being confirmed just by kip saying there’s some link b/w wallace & the investigation of yore…like, i know i just said im dumb as hell & my guesses are bad, but i’d guess eno thinks that their inside info getting out elsewhere was via himself, not yumi, despite what he said. or even technically if it couldve been yumi i think he thinks it was his own fault. and its not surprising he wouldnt bring up his own suspicious abt his self involvement because like after everything went to shit & the entire project seemingly destroyed, there’s not much relevance to investigating how it happened if nobody plans to be involved. and it would be a little awkward then & now for him to tell kip he thinks he may have been involved in the downfall, even if inadvertently…hm

like……it would be nice if he had secretly developed some kind of assassin level knife throwing skills in the past years. wouldnt it always be. but honestly kip was fuckt the whole time…….nobody seems to be threatening anyone else with knives but i guess if some shadow organization that murders at whim & unhindered shows up & makes threatening demands, the implication is that anyone could be killed, even if some people get to stay alive for the moment just for the sake of pushing them to do something or other thats convenient for whatever latest death plot is underway

e.g. i’m not sure what the point is of purposefully trying to put kip on alert besides having him fall back on eno even more than he would without bringing up that specific threat

but really besides the “well i’m already resigned to someone stabbing kip in the gut while killing everyone he knows in front of him w/promises to kill everybody else too” factor of it all (im not really but—) another reason i cant be that mad is b/c i am also resigned to the fact that wallace is basically in the same kind of position eno was, of an accidental accessory to secret murder

b/c it would truly be a twist if wallace WAS actually in on it the whole time lol….but i doubt it. but the fact remains that he is definitely unwittingly a pawn of the devil!! this wouldnt be a problem if, marxism. anyways the thing is that i really, really doubt that wallace will smoothly learn of whats actually going on before anyone else knows or anyone gets fucked over and be able to gently reveal this to everyone in ways that nobody feels betrayed or breaks their trust with him. i am not even sure how that would be possible…..it is basically inevitable that wallace will have to be exposed as connected to this whole secret society of nightmares, and nobody really knows wallace well enough to be certain that he actually didnt know. and really, the fact that he Doesn’t know doesnt change the fact that he is in fact a part of it and facilitating it, even tho arguably it isnt quite his fault

tbh im assuming that the reason he’s having to do all of this is that he was willing to be transplanted from a to c, and because of that he is like totally clueless about like….everything. he presumably has no idea the kinda shit everyone around him is worrying about like all the time lol & wouldnt know not to try to push past those boundaries. but he can’t exactly be asked to do anything that much different from what he’s doing now / anything too clearly Heinous…besides maybe getting Extra Info or simply making ppl nervous, like making kip think he’s endangered.

coz t.b.h……………i’m not sure that, between kip seeing wallace as harmless and well-intended vs dangerous & ill-intended, the latter is worse? because he is a mix of the two….he doesnt mean any harm but he IS dangerous, technically. not directly thru his own actions quite as much, but still, obviously……kips first impression was basically correct lol rip. i dont think there WAS a way for kip to ever not suspect wallace as being less than purehearted, and of course i also dont think he won’t have to find out that wallace doesn’t want to hurt everybody, but at least he’s a bit on guard about all this fuckery…..even if putting him more on guard is part of some evil plot, which also means its bad…….obviously ideally everyone gets to only ever be best friends and also all be kip’s boyfriends, but i don’t think i my wishes have a tendency to come true, so maybe wait on anticipating that one. in the meantime maybe the inevitable revelation that wallace may have been a double agent will be lessened if kip was holding out for it all along lol. i guess it depends on how much more inadvertent damages wallace’s role is intended to invoke. weird sentence there but i stand by it

basically like dude!! try Knowing Shit instead of not knowing shit!! he may only be an accidental hand of the devil but that doesnt mean he’s totally not working for satan here, so hopefully when he finally realizes the extent of it, he gets to help to right the situation. presumably. idk. but how would anyone know for sure that he never knew what was going on besides trusting that he is not just an excellent actor? i suppose we are in the same situation with eno, huh. despite being given kip’s endorsement, there is only a limited picture of him & then the knowledge that he probably played a part in all the bs w/all these ppl dying. i suppose you can guess that he knew all of what was going on or he didnt or somewhere in between….

basically w/wallace and eno i am assuming that with both itmd a case of well-meaning humans being taken advantage of and accidentally infiltrating these vulnerable circles and sending back information and oh oops, atrocities, and everyone’s dead. i cant imagine that at least kip is meant to survive, and not sure why eno would feel particularly safe on that front either, and clearly any casualties that seem even vaguely necessary can just be carried out at random so you know. bless wallace’s well meaning heart that doesnt know shit but like still, if ppl get fucked over they still have the right to be mad, and if theyre dead theyre still dead, and etc, and also try to learn shit even if it was just a regular, non Agent Of Evil job.

basically what i am trying to say is that im pulling up on my motorbike and telling people that if they’re going to be mad at eno, they ought to be equally condemning of wallace, or that is just inconsistent. like, feel free to either way surely…….i can’t guess that it’d be smooth sailing for eno either if he has to awkwardly divulge that maybe he knows stuff about the whole assassination backstory.

i do wish he had those knife throwing skills for sure…..wish he wasnt being gunpointed into pressuring kip into something or other that surely will endanger him & surely others….but i get why he doesnt exactly seem to have other options at the moment lol. this guy could have assassins all over the block if whatever godforsaken conspiracy is already underway and waistdeep. smh. as i have to assume that he would only endanger kip if he was basically being given a catch 22 of Endanger Kip or Endanger Kip. i suppose he could be doing it solely so he himself won’t be assassinated, but i am personally piecing together that he and kip Are Really in fact That Close & he hasn’t like, faked caring about him this whole time or something

uhhhh tldr i think of him as basically in the same position as wallace, tho to be fair i dont think of wallace as blameless part for not knowing whats going on (like im guessing eno didnt understand until it was too late) and in part because even without the devil he IS just barging in from a in the middle of c & also pursuing audiences w extra vulnerable ppl w/o knowing fuckall (unlike eno who i am also guessing is not from a…)

and perhaps the sole answer to your question as really i was only inferring the part abt asking if eno is suspicious and dubious or not: I Am Fond Of Him Like I Said

what an essay! as all my asks turn out to be!! but i can’t help but theorize. even though i am a dumbass. this is in part because i watched mh for years, and in part because i never assume i’ll still be alive to see any particular plot point in any ongoing media i consume, so i furiously speculate and create au’s in my head and all. for example if i die before its definitely revealed kip doesnt get twenty husbands—which, good luck proving that to me anyways—can anyone tell me he doesnt? no, because i died. so he definitely does. and thats all i have to say on the matter, thank you for tuning in to Milo’s Hour Of Speculation, And Knowing Everyone Is Kip’s Boyfriend

[nomorepotatobodysworld-blog]

Gonna drop some knowledge on ya!

One thing that I have been learning throughout this lifestyle change is: even though you think you not eating the wrong things, you could very well be eating the wrong things. A part of losing weight that I feel that people dont think of is education. For example, I was on a sort of mission yesterday and I passed Zaxby’s where they were advertising their Zensation Zalad. After I got home, I googled the calories of what my typical meal from there would be. I would normally get a fried house salad with ranch and an order of 10 boneless wings. Do you know how many calories that has? Because I do, it is 1795 calories!! That is almost all the calories a person is supposed to eat for the whole day and that was just my lunch! So when someone says “Oh I just had a salad, Im eating healthy.” Are you really? Another example: I would normally eat a 1/2 Italian sub and macaroni and cheese from Publix. Those calories are 1550. So, when I said that I was eating about 5000/6000 calories a day, that is not an exaggeration. Now my lunches are no more than 500 calories, and I feel full and dont feel deprived. 

I am still kicking ass with not having soda. I still dont miss it, especially after seeing the video of what happens to soda when its in your stomach. My step-dad brought home a 20 oz coke zero I think last Wednesday, and it is still sitting in the fridge lol. My mom said that I can drink that one because it has no sugar and no calories, but I told her I wouldnt because I feel when I get a taste of it, I’ll fall off the wagon and start drinking soda again. When I say I have an addiction to sugar I am being quite literal. I cant have too much of it because I WILL NOT STOP. So like everyone else who has an addiction to anything, I avoid it. I am determined or hell bent (whichever you prefer lol) to turn the Jabba the hut potato body into something I can be happy and healthy with. 

Like most people who have an addiction, something usually has to happen to make them want to turn their life around. Like a friend of mine and my parents, he had a heart attack that got him eating better and quit smoking. After I heard what happened to him, I quit smoking too. He is only 2 years older than me and I am only 32. The kick in the pants that I needed to eat better and lose this confounded weight happened to me four weeks ago today. I know I mentioned it in my first entry in this blog, but Im going to talk about it again. That Thursday I was off from work as per usual. I didnt do much of anything that day except for the few things that my mom wanted me to do around the house. I cant remember what I had eaten that day, but I do know that for someone who wasnt very active that day, it was entirely too much. That night around 630 I had extreme stomach pain. I have had that stomach pain before, but not to that extent. It hurt to sit, to breathe, and to lay down. My mom asked if she could take me to the Emergency Room and I told her that if it still hurt in a couple of hours, then I would go. I realized that I had eaten so much food that day that, not only, was it not all digested but, it felt like it was a solid rock. I honestly think had I eaten anything else, it would have ruptured. It scared me so bad! I started crying because I knew I was way overweight and I felt that there was no way I could stop myself from eating like this. I remember that I told my mom: “I have to stop this.” Ive known people who are aged and overweight and they have problems, medical and physical. I didnt want to be like that. I didnt want to die young. I want to have a long life with my kidgets. So, here I am...working my way to being a healthier and happier me. Tomorrow makes a whole month of this lifestyle change and I wanting to take pics to see if the difference in weight that I feel, is visible. Stay tuned...

#weight loss #sweat it out #cant stop wont stop #determined #kicking ass

[novapopstar]

Im so tried of all the Hate.

Alright listen. I dont watch Felix aka Pewdiepie anymore and havent for years but this is seriously seriously getting out of fucking hand. I cannot fucking believe the extent its gone. You people have to understand something. The Media has alot of the old generations people who absolutely hate Youtubers as a whole. The majority that read WSJ are them and people who claim to be SJW but take SJWing too far, and they know itll get them the clicks and read time they want by feeding to that crowd. I finally watched the video where he apologized and once again im not a fan of his BUT that was a sincere apology. He made that video about the two indian guys holding up the sign to prove a fucking point about how stupid and out of hand things can get on that website. That is a completely valid thing to do. In no way did he ever mean to hurt anyone. He was proving a point about the website. You people who think youre "SJW"s are not fixing the problem. Youre feeding it and making it worse. We need you to realize this. Youre not helping by bashing Felix online. I dont even like him and i know better. Because thats what having respect is about. Listening to THE PERSON instead of what some new article said that took "evidence" from videos that werent even about Nazi propaganda. You guys need to research before accusing people or believing a news story completely. Make sure theres really anti semantic propaganda going on before doing the damage youve done.

For the Youtubers that have defended him had the respect to make sure their friend wasnt doing this stuff before defending him. They believe in their friend 100% just like you would if it was your friend in Felixs shoes. Yes what Felix didnt wasnt completely okay, but if it was your friend you know youd tell them "hey man thats not okay" and if he said "im sorry i didnt mean it like that. Its not how i meant it." Youd believe them, youd defend them to the end because thats your friend.

You guys are literally bashing people that literally care so much for our world and our rights and donate so much money from what they make to charites and they attend rallies and marches for our rights and support the LGBT+ Community whole heartedly.

I want all the stuff to just end already. All thats happening is that were feeding WSJ and destroying our reputation for the Youtuber community. Destroying upcoming youtubers and streamers. All because you believed something right off the bat that you didnt do research enough to figure out what was the truth or not. The only truth comes from the person its about. And yes people can lie but lies unravel quickly.

Im just one person but i really believe we can fight against WSJ and destroy the claims and not make it seem like Youtube as a whole is Anti semantic because thats what coming next. WSJ attacking the Face of Youtube, its to destroy a community that does so much good for the world.

We can fight against the lying media.

WSJ wont sway us.

We will not believe WSJ, we cant.

You know we have to fight against this.

So please understand and help stop the fight against the hatred on Youtube.

Dont waste your energy yelling and insulting Youtubers because you think its the right thing to do.

Yell at WSJ. Cuz were not taking this shit.

At least im not. And i hope im not alone in all this.

Cuz im just really tired of seeing hate.

[gololblr]

"Did god have a say in the creation of the world" is a phrase that doesnt seem that odd when first looking at it, but can really mess someone up.

Like, was he limited to making our world with the constants we currently have? Could god have just said, yea lets round the G to 7*10^-11 and everything would still work out?

This also goes into my personal gripe with lines. Draw a line on a piece of paper, yea? Look closer. It aint a line. Its a gradent. There is no point that it suddenly becomes black from white. There's always white in the black, and vice-versa. There's always gray area.

Science knows this fact. They know that there are always more decimals n stuff, but they just choose to ignore it. Pass it off because its too small to matter in the long run? And yet, decimals can still fuck up am equasion a lot. Using 10m/s compared to 9.8m/s compared to (G*M1*M2)/(d^2) doesnt seem like a lot, but it really is a lot. Highschool physics? Literally throw air resistance out the window for the entire class. The only mention is that its not to be taken into account.

Seconds are the same way. If someone asks you to do something at a particular second, its really hard. Even then, theyres still gray area. Even with the implimentation of frames and button presses in video games, theres still a kind of window where its gray. Where its in between two frames. That area still exists.

Im honestly no "big brained" individual, but honestly humans are literally like if you hit the "randomize all" option on like the mii creator, but with like infinite possibilities. And honestly, to me thats much more beautiful and poetic than being told im made to fit the mold of some perfect being and its standards.

This goes into my own personal "dice roll" think. Tbh, theres probably some big brain theologian or old dude with a beard thinking about this right now, but in a different context, but my idea is as follows.

You can roll a dice yea? Its got like 6 sides on it. Now you'd think that that means when you roll it, there are only 6 possibilities right? And roll it enough times itll land back the same as when you started? Well in my mind, it can technically land on the same number, but it cant land in the same position. Think about it. Just from the directions of the corners, you can tell its wont. But if you look closer, you can tell it will never be the exact same positioning. If you roll a dice, it may land on that number again, but itll never land in the same spot.

This can also be seen in identical twins. Even though they look the same, they still have differnces. Whether it be a nose .00004 mm to the left, or a scar over their eye, or a hatred of spinach, there will be a difference. Even 2,000,000 years down the road, when someone is born with the same name, and the same face, they wont be the same as you. They wont have the same inteactions, or likes n dislikes. Even if they did somehow do not only gene manipulation and simulations on someone to replicate you, they couldnt possibly have the exact cell mutations or gene replication errors that make the little things in you, you.

You are just as unrepeatable as the roll of a dice, or the exact moment a leaf breaks off and falls. Which brings me to my next point.

I have never witnessed a leaf leave its branch. I have literally sat and watched trees and leaves every fall since i realized how mind boggling it is, and i still have yet to see it.

Dont get me wrong, ive seen falling leaves, seeds, and pinecones. I know gravity works and why fall is so great. Bit i have never seen a leaf cross the threshold of letting go of its branch. I know it exists. I know that wind probably effects it, but leaves will fall even without wind. I cant help but wonder at what causes that windless leaf to fall. Is it a cornerstone cell that just finally gives out? Is it some other kind of thing? What could possibly result in a falling leaf?

What is the exact chemical process that results in decay? Suprisingly, thats a question i can anwser. That is simply the improper copying of dna and stuff.

And yet, we still dont know how our brains work. We can look at cells, we can look at atoms, but we cannot possibly understand why laughter is a thing. We dont know anything about sleep, and even less about anaesthetics. Yet we do them regularly, even rely on them.

Humans survive mostly from two things. Sweating, and speaking. And honestly, those are probably the most horrifying things imaginable for prey. Sweating means we have cazy endurance. We can and will hunt anything down until it physically cannot move, and then kill it. And screaming to eachother at the same time. To be hunted by humans is much more scary then literally anything else. That is why horror mostly stars human-esk creatures that hunt humans.

One of humanity's greatest assests is also one of my biggest gripes. That is our obsession with observation and ourselves. We observe the world, and from that are given measurments and tools. We then use that to help ourselves. But we also have to see things. A famous phrase is "seeing is believing". Perfect example of this. We have to touch things. Even if its just with our eyes. But we also for some reason dont want to process things that arent ourselves.

Think about the non-humans that humans create. All those elderic abominations amd the like. Even the green martian men. They all are humaniods in shape. Even demonic, and cursed things have limbs. They have a head, and they have a brain. Anythign that is supposed to be equal to us or greater to us in power is humaniod. God? Humanoid. Satan? Humaniod. Kuthulu? Generally depicted as humaniod. Honestly the only exception to this idea is the angels in the bibel, like the cherubim and seraphim. Which at least one of them is a munch of rings with eyes and also wings.

Anywho, where was i? Oh yea, lines.

Nobody's perfect. Even in a computer world. Pixels are made of lights, which blend together and create gradents which are imperfect. Imputs are rounded. Time is rounded into frames. Fundamentally we are out of sinc with the universe. We round the numbers to the place we care about, putting a blind eye to those things.

Yet dont they add up? I mean in some cases yea, they do. Clocks become slow or fast. Heck even the official weight of a gram has changed. The object that was used to measure a gram actually ended up decaying enough that it messed up the official weight.

Dont even get me started on pi and natural e. Apparently (and i dont know for sure on this) but engineers round those numbers to 3. Like that is just messed up. That will actually, and legitimately fuck up a building or anything else.

Humans are truly odd creatures. Did you know that the current understanding of why we want to closely touch and even harm/kill cute and adorable things and even have the epression "i could eat you up... etc." Is beause we cannot process that emotion and so to relieve ourselves we want to rid the world of its existence? Its freakin wild honestly. We cant process something so we kill it. Itsnt that something just so specifically human?

Humans have such a thirst for knowledge, and yet also a fear of it. Consider comparing people like stalin and hitler and even the church, who burned and banned knoledge, to librarians who kept that knowledge.

Consider the eletric universe theory. Something that goes contrary to the current model of physics, but also works better in some areas. According to that, the sun wasnt always our sun, and also we were originally orbiting a red sun. Something totally wild to think about, but also makes sense. Like why ancient peoples kept talking about a red sun, and venus as a comet. It also states the idea that we didnt always have seasons, and that has something to do with why plants bloom when under red lights. I honestly dont know as much as i would like about this part to explain it better, but oh well.

We have this need to put everything in order, to have perfection. We just want to be the best we can. Specifically better than everyone else. And even if that means killing, harming, or demeaning others. Only if we are on the top, we will be alright.

--- Intermission---

... i just want to mention that i have no degree in this shit and also no sources bc im too lazy and tired to look up that shit. Also, when i say "human" really i can only speak generally. I know for a fact that some peopld break the mold to certain extents n stuff, i just wanted to streamline it a little bit.

---Intermission over---

Our obsession with being the best has led us to ome conclusion. However, that conclusion is contradictory to the question asked. To become the best, we have to work with others. Because "if i cant be the best, then nobody can.". And boom, we got society n shit. We start working together to hunt amd gather, and generally be nice people. Because loosing someone means lossing another source of food.

But im getting off the point. This isnt supposed to be a history of humanity. Everyone already knows that story. Humans started planting things, created towns, created cities, fought eachother and died a lot. Eventually enslaved eachother and finally decided that was a bad thing, even thoug not everyone in the world agrees. Now there's god, and politics, and school, and problems.

But what caused all of this? What was the catylist? What was the starting factor? Can the reason people fight today be traced back to the first accidental killing of a brother like cain and able? Or is it somethig totally recent. Is the reason we have society because two ancient homo sapien families merged? Or was it something else? Why do we wear clothes? Theyrs little to no reason except in the winter. Especially if we started in africa or Australia. I have no anwsers for these questions.

But dont let the past decide who you are. Theres a reason we have memories. Its to improve yourself. We are constantly at a crossroads. Even if you dont realize it.

You can physically do anything. Humans are scary crazy. If you just put enough minds to it, literally anything is possible. Sending someone to space? Yep. Being able to kill all life on the planet? Yep. Be able to eat uncooked broccoli? Definitely. There are of course some holes in that last statement. Like you cant physically eat the planet in 30 seconds, or (at least right now) cant change the way you think about cheeze puffs. Doesnt mean that cant change in the future. But at the moment.

The future is scary too. Genetic engeneering, designer babies, and pollution is all on the horizon. The only thing stopping is it ouselves and maybe god.

If you could ask an animal what god it believes in, what would it say? Is such an easy question for theologians to brush aside. (Not that ive asked one) i can just imagine them quickly responding "animals cant think dumbass" or "animals dont have souls" or "animals arent made in the image and likeness of god". Those are nice anwsers and all, but they dont anwser the question. I asked what god does your pet dog believe in, not why doesnt my dog tell be about every time zeus boned some village girl and how that gives them the right to bone me too.

Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings about the human condition, lines, and other weird stuff i have no sources for. I want to mention that most of this stuff is probably fallacies, but this was never meant to be taken seriously or coherent anyways.