#that or see if you can emotionally manipulate an adult

[queerprayers]

my dad put on the hymn station in the car today (i’m pretty deconstructed but just kind of in a gray area) and it’s such a weird feeling wondering why so many of these songs made me gross sob at like ten years old?? what even was that? i’ve heard of mega churches using music as emotional manipulation, would that be a similar thing? that one ‘blessings come through raindrops’ song especially, it was actually such an ongoing phenomenon when i was too little to really process it

Hi beloved,

When I was little my friends would call my church "boring"—there were no drums, the music was often plain and mostly settings of poems that taught theological concepts or were quiet meditations. Sure, someone who was grieving or especially overcome might cry, but that was not the norm. Emotion was something we might have, and was an understandable reaction to Love, but the liturgy was about participating in faith and mystery together, not about Feeling. A song might be written by someone experiencing peace or sadness, but we sang them to stand in solidarity with that emotion, not to manipulate our own. My childhood faith (thanks to my overly educated family) was quite academic. Looking back, I am so grateful. I don't know what I would have done with a mood disorder in a church that expected me to feel or perform certain ways, or a family that answered my questions with comforting phrases instead of handing me a book.

I am so sorry you were in an environment that made you sob regularly as a child—not because crying is bad, but because it sounds like it wasn't giving you space for emotion, but rather creating and expecting certain emotions. Music absolutely has a lot to do with this, based on everything I've heard from people who grew up in evangelical/non-denominational/non-liturgical churches.

You were a kid! And (based on my assumptions) instead of a space to be introduced to faith, be cared for, ask questions about difficult concepts, and react however you authentically would react, you were played songs meant to conjure up certain emotions, and probably expected to be overcome with reactions you didn't understand. Even if you weren't in a megachurch, there can be similar stuff going on. Churches so often want kids to be entertained rather than educated, convinced to keep coming back rather than given space to find inherent meaning, to become emotionally attached rather than to understand. It's not your fault if that's what you were given. They wanted you to internalize the lyrics when you were too young to process them—then they don't have to be especially meaningful or answer too many questions. They wanted you to Feel God—but that's not stable enough for a life of taking God seriously.

To be clear, I'm not against emotion in worship, and there are more lively churches than my own that have deep theology and respect for individual experiences. In my southern experience, "Black church" was always louder and more open to individual reactions than my quiet Lutheran one—gospel music is great! Dancing is holy! Communal response is generally a positive thing. But there can be more sinister or even just careless environments. If you're an adult with a fully formed faith, it can be cathartic to have a space to loudly Feel about it all. But in my opinion, this should not be the focus/purpose of liturgy. (Concerts/sharing opportunities/support groups all have a place—preferably a separate one.) Especially for kids, without that life experience and knowledge, being thrown into overly emotional faith without any groundwork can leave them reeling and confused as adults. And you hit the nail on the head with "emotional manipulation"—conjuring up sobbing is way easier than taking religion seriously.

I don't know if you've seen the tweet that's like, "I thought I was feeling God as a kid but then I went to a One Direction concert and realized I just liked pop music." Music does that to us! I love concerts! I rarely cry in church but I sobbed seeing My Chemical Romance (and feel no shame about it). But basing a community on that elevated experience is what fandom is for, not Church.

When you feel something and are told, "That's God," what happens when you don't feel it? Are you to understand that God is absent? What happens when you feel it at a pop concert? Is that a sin? My aforementioned mood disorder makes me very careful about assigning deeper meaning to emotion. God is not the emotion—God is the Love that, depending on our life and brain, we can feel many things about. There are all different kinds of churches for all different kinds of people, but I don't believe that one primarily bent on eliciting emotion will ever touch the full mystery of our God. And in fact, it too often drives people away when they want more than Experience.

God is a god of beauty, and Christianity (and most religions) have a special place for music, so I'm not ruling out that God can be present to people in "Blessings Come Through Raindrops," but. Y'know. There's more to it all. I support hymn stations in the car—a very appropriate time for casual cry-worthy pop songs—but I hope in your deconstructed gray area you can find more than overwhelmed crying. You deserve music that makes you think—I don't mean you have to only listen to Bach, but have art in your life that you connect with in a genuine thoughtful way, as well as a fun or cathartic way.

Ultimately, you deserve art/communities that take theology seriously, that hold space for more complicated feelings. You deserve a faith (or a meaningful agnostic life) that is present regardless of whether you feel like you're seeing One Direction or not.

<3 Johanna

[bigfatbreak]

Speak of the Devil

chapter one / chapter two / chapter three / (we are here)

part one beginning / next

[babydykestar]

im convinced that my parents think im stupid

[nunyabznsbabes]

Katniss is like Lucy Gray this, Katniss is like Sejanus that, and yes fine that's all good and true and lovely but Katniss Everdeen is also a direct parallel to Coriolanus Snow and people NEED to start talking about this because it's driving me crazy.

Think about it: they both grew up poor and deeply vulnerable, losing parents at a very young age, with a matriarchal adult (Katniss' mother and Coriolanus' Grandma'am) who fails to provide for them emotionally and physically. They intimately understand the threat of starvation, even developing with stunted growth because of it, and their narrations in the books share a fixation on food. Throughout their childhoods, both experienced constant fear and suffered a fundamental lack of control over their circumstances. Because of this, they're inherently suspicious of the people around them. They resent feeling indebted to others, especially those who have saved their lives. They're motivated almost entirely by family and deeply connected to their communities. Both are used and manipulated by the Capitol, both are forced to perform to survive and despise every inch of it, both are thrown into the Arena and made to kill. Both have a self-sacrificial, genuinely sweet sister figure acting as their conscience. Peeta and Lucy Gray - performers and love interests with a fundamental kindness and sense of hope about them - fulfill markedly similar roles in their narrative. Both contribute to the development of the future Hunger Games, Snow throughout tbosas and Katniss towards the end of Mockingjay.

It's easy to ignore these similarities because, as mirrors of each other, they are exact opposites. Katniss is from District 12, viewed and treated as less than human; Snow is the cream of the Capitol crop, given the privilege of a name with social weight, an ancestral home, and the opportunity of the Academy despite having no more money than a miner from 12. Katniss has no agency over her life, and responds by being kind whenever she's able, while Snow justifies horrendous evils in order to continue his quest for complete control. Katniss does everything she can to protect her family; Snow does everything he can to protect his family's image as an extension of his own ego. Katniss loves her District and connects with its inhabitants on a meaningful level, but Snow is indifferent at best to his peers - the apparent "superior people" - and only engages with his community for personal gain. Katniss emerges from the Arena horrified at herself and the system, but Snow takes his trauma and turns it into an excuse to perpetuate the violence with himself at the top. Katniss cares for Prim until her death and then snaps at the loss of her little sister, while Snow survives on Tigris' blood, sweat, and tears and then torments and abandons her, presumably because she calls him out on his insanity. Snow actively adds to and popularizes the Hunger Games because of his vendetta against the Districts following his childhood wartime trauma - Katniss briefly agrees to a new Hunger Games (which is arguably a facade to trick Coin), but later definitively stops them from happening by killing Coin and choosing a life of peace and privacy. Snow is obsessed with revenge, but Katniss empathizes with the Capitolites and does what she can to keep them from suffering. He exists in a cruel system and selfishly upholds it; she exists in a cruel system and works to dismantle it for the good of her family and community, at great personal cost. And Peeta and Lucy Gray are incredibly similar, but Katniss and Peeta forge a relationship of genuine love and understanding that shines in comparison to Coriolanus' obsessive projection onto Lucy Gray.

So, yeah, Katniss is Lucy Gray haunting Coriolanus. But I bet you anything that eighty-something year old President Snow looks at her, the girl on fire, and thinks that he sees the ghost of his own past: bright and young and brilliant, emerging from a childhood of starvation with a relentless hunger for success, a talented and charming performer helping her win the Games. And that's why he's so afraid of her! Because if he sees himself in her, then he's up against his own cunning, his own talent for manipulation, his own charisma, his own genius. He reads her wrong, obviously, but it means that in his mind he's up against the version of himself that he could have been, with the nightmare army of his childhood at her back and her star-crossed lover at her side, spewing Sejanus' truths in his own voice. This isn't to say that Katniss ever achieved the level of power and agency that Coriolanus did during her time with the rebellion, but it is to say that Snow was taken down by what truly terrified him - his own morality, come to finish the job.

[topazadine]

Avoiding therapy speak in writing

I think we all know by now that therapy speak is irritating and unrealistic, especially if you are writing in a fantasy world that doesn't even have modern psychology.

Part of the reason that it is so annoying is that it is the definition of telling instead of showing: characters are just plainly informing us of their feelings rather than making us work for a better understanding. It's cheap and boring. Instead of making your characters seem like complex individuals with their own hangups and difficulties, they seem like plot points programmed to tell us things.

But obviously, you want to put these people in situations and have them talk about it! How do you do that without sounding maudlin? Here are some options.

Listen to real arguments/conversations

I cannot stress enough how important it is to listen to how actual real human beings talk to each other during heightened emotional states. They don't have to be nasty abusers, and they don't have to be perfect angels, just everyday people doing their normal thing.

Of course, I'd hope you're not seeing people argue all the time, but if you do happen to see it, listen carefully and notice how people actually address their problems. Think back to tough conversations that you have had, even if you wouldn't classify them as arguments. Consider how people acted and reacted to one another. Notice how normal humans talk about issues outside of therapy, even intelligent and emotionally evolved people.

I've had years of therapy, and even I do not talk in therapy ways about my issues when I'm talking to my family or friends. It just feels cheesy and fake outside of that particular setting - plus, it freaks other people out and can seem kind of manipulative. Try talking like that in a real conversation and see how uncomfortable it is. You'll understand why avoiding therapy speak is important.

Consider the character's own hangups

Just as everyone has their own unique speaking style and mindset, so do we all have our own argument styles. These are often informed by our pasts and upbringing; they are as varied as our own histories. However, there are a few different options.

Someone with a happy upbringing may be more assertive and willing to address their problems because they had that demonstrated to them as children.

A spoiled child will grow up to be a demanding adult who refuses to give any quarter.

Those who got yelled at a lot as children may shut down and fawn to avoid getting hurt.

Someone who grew up in a violent household may mimic that behavior and get incredibly aggressive when upset.

Individuals whose parents didn't teach them emotional regulation will lash out and get loud.

Manipulative people may stay very calm and gaslight the other person, or they may get hysterical to garner sympathy and make people focus on comforting them.

Someone who has gone to therapy may revert to their original argument style, or they may imperfectly apply what they have learned in a way that feels a bit unnatural. They may start out with rage, then force themselves to calm down through grounding techniques.

People who have been coached through previous emotional outbursts could demand a time out, then fail to actually calm themselves down.

Some may refuse to acknowledge they are upset and insist, in increasingly forceful terms, that they are fine.

Others may get quiet or crack a joke to ease the tension, but it doesn't really help.

Keep each confrontation short

IRL, emotional confrontations are generally not that long. They don't go on for hours and hours, though it can feel that way. No one is going on and on about their feelings and sharing every little detail of how they feel (at least not that I know of personally, maybe other people are different).

Even the worst arguments I have had, the real nexus of the argument was maybe an hour or two, though the fallout lasted much longer. I'd say there was an hour maximum of real, active confrontation, preceded or followed by hours/days/weeks of simmering frustration.

Why? Because arguments are exhausting. You don't have the energy for that in the heat of the moment. Yes, feuds and fights can last years, but each actual confrontation is short.

For longer, more serious issues, hash it out over a few sessions rather than all at once. It's rare to get everything out of the way immediately unless the characters already have a strong, loving relationship.

Show incongruencies

Especially for more reserved people, they will likely have their emotions leaking all over the place but won't actually say anything. As such, focus on body language while keeping the conversation more focused on the plot. For example, Character A might be crying but still trying to argue their point about whatever is going on.

Address physical complaints instead of emotional ones

In many cases, people will use "I'm tired" or "I didn't sleep well" or "I'm not feeling great" as shorthand for whatever is actually bothering them. It relieves pressure by not making them talk about upsetting matters while still addressing their discomfort in some form.

You should also consider the fact that some people can't connect physical sensations to feelings, so they may genuinely feel ill and not really understand why. This is especially common in people who can't emotionally regulate or have been through trauma.

For myself, I tend to somatize my feelings, so I might not feel upset, but I will feel physically sick. My stomach will hurt, my chest will get tight, or I'll get a headache, but my emotional state will seem calm. This isn't all that unusual, and many people experience this to different degrees.

As such, you can have your character say that their stomach hurts, or that they have a headache and can't discuss this anymore, or that they need to go lie down because they're dizzy. If we know they're relatively healthy, this can be a clue that they're getting overwhelmed but either cannot pinpoint their emotions or don't want to discuss them.

Let characters advance and retreat

A lot of the time, someone will address a scary emotion and then retreat again, sometimes over a period of hours, days, or even weeks. This is normal: most of us don't have the emotional fortitude to forge ahead through something difficult all in one go. Character A may say something vulnerable, then change the topic, laugh it off, say they're done discussing it, or even leave the situation.

Leave emotions partially unaddressed

Again, it's rare for someone to spill out everything they're feeling all in one go. As such, have Character A address the most important thing - or the least important, depending on their level of emotional maturity - and let it be done for then.

They might say their small piece, but when someone tries to probe deeper, they don't have an answer, or they get "stuck" on that one emotional level and cannot go further.

If Character B keeps pushing, then they may get incredibly upset and push back, or retreat.

Have Character B point out the feelings

Works especially well if the other character is a close companion or a parental figure. Often, people who know us really well will have better insight into our emotions than we do. Or, we might have good insight into our emotions but are still too afraid to open up. Having Character B point out the issue gives Character A grace to be more honest.

I can't tell you how many times I've been really upset, so I've distracted from the issue by getting angry about something completely different. Then, my mom will gently point out that I'm not actually crying about my new plastic cup being broken or whatever; I'm actually upset about XYZ. In that moment, I realize I've been caught out and admit that yes, that's what I'm really upset about.

Have Character A address it with a third character

Who among us hasn't gone to someone else to talk about our feelings? Having a third party serve as a sounding board is normal. Sometimes, Character A will feel such catharsis from this conversation that they don't address it as thoroughly with Character B.

Of course, you can use this to your advantage and create more tension if the third character gives bad advice or is biased.

Remember that just because the third party responded well does not mean that Character B does. You also have to avoid omniscience and remember that Character B wasn't privy to that conversation.

Have one confrontation be a stand-in for a larger one

I always think about the "The Iranian Yogurt Is Not the Issue" post when I think about this. Often times, things like not doing the dishes or whatever aren't actually the big deal: it's lack of boundaries, communication, or respect. A minor argument can be shorthand for a larger one that is too challenging for the characters to tackle.

This isn't just creating drama for the hell of it, though; it's about exploring the larger issues without making the characters lay it out on the table. A good reader will be able to see it's not about the Iranian Yogurt as long as you set up the relationship well.

Currently, I am writing a story where Uileac and his sister Cerie go to rescue Uileac's husband, Orrinir. On the way there, Uileac idly comments on how he wonders where a waterfall comes from because he's trying to distract himself from thinking about the fact that his husband is kidnapped and possibly dead.

Cerie, being pretty wound up too, starts arguing with him about it because she's like "why is this relevant? We're kind of too busy to think about geology right now!" Uileac gets annoyed at her for being so aggro, and she gets annoyed at him for being so irreverent. Both of them are upset about something completely different, but they're too scared and panicked to actually address that, so they release their frustrations by complaining about waterfalls.

Those bad vibes have to go somewhere, but neither of them are very good at talking about their feelings (though very good at stuffing them down). As such, they take the pressure off by sniping at one another. You've probably done this too, when you get into a dumb argument about something absolutely pointless because there's something you don't feel strong enough to discuss.

There's also the fact that if you're mad at someone about something but feel it's too stupid or petty to discuss, that frustration will leak out and everything else they do will annoy you, leading to a bunch of irrelevant arguments.

Use "reaffirmation" gestures

I talked about this in a different post, but after an argument, the "make up" stage doesn't always involve going "ohhh I forgive you" and big hugs and kisses, especially when the two characters aren't emotionally mature.

Instead, Character A makes gestures that reaffirm the relationship. This could be offering to do something Character B needs, making plans for later, or changing the topic to discuss something the other character cares about ("how are your cats doing?") etc.

Note that these "reaffirmation" gestures aren't the same as the cycle of abuse. This is more when two characters have had a difficult emotional conversation but aren't really sure how to continue being emotionally open, so they revert to something safer that still shows they care. They're not over-the-top gestures either, but more a special attention to something the other person loves. Knowing what the other person loves also demonstrates the depth of their relationship.

As always, I can't tell you what to do with your writing.

You are the crafter of your own story, and if you want people to talk like therapists for whatever reason, that's your choice. However, we want characters to feel like real people, and most real people don't lay it all out on the table every single time they're upset. If they do, they might be trauma vomiting, which is icky in and of itself.

Healthy communication isn't always perfect communication. People can have strong, loving relationships and still get things wrong - we're human. Having people calmly and rationally and easily talk about their feelings every single time is not only kind of boring, but it also feels weird, because unless we're primed to discuss those difficult topics and know we're perfectly safe, we're not going to do that.

People don't even do that in therapy, where they are paying for the service of talking about their feelings! Therapists also don't always do that IRL!

We're humans, and your characters need to feel like humans as well. That means letting them be imperfect communicators and using context clues rather than making them do all the work for the reader.

If you liked my advice, consider purchasing my book, 9 Years Yearning, for $3!

[axolau]

I’m not the first person to say this, but mischaracterization of Bumblebee in the TFONE fandom is honestly kind of crazy.

The infantilization aspect of it is really problematic, because it treats a full-grown man like the “kid” of the group. Bumblebee’s been slotted into this role because he’s often depicted as playing a son-like role to Optimus, which I of course *love,* generally speaking, but that’s not the role they went with in this movie, and B is still getting slotted into this role.

But in TFONE, B is actually quite possibly older than Orion Pax and D-16. We don’t know, but he’s been in Sublevel 50 for so long, he very well could be, and there’s nothing at all suggesting he’s younger than them.

Unlike in other iterations, B isn’t an “apprentice” to Optimus, either. He’s been at his side since *before* the Autobots were founded, which, since the Autobots will no doubt continue for millions of years, establishes him as a senior Autobot, not the “new kid” role he usually plays, either.

Then there’s B’s personality. B is talkative and energetic and eager to make new friends. He’s the comic relief character, which casts him in a less serious tone, but certainly not that he’s a kid. Orion doesn’t play a mentoring role to him throughout the movie, nor do any of them try to manage or babysit him. He’s an equal part of the group, even if he feels less “mature” because of his talkative personality.

B can also be read as neurodivergent, which makes the infantilisation of him in the fandom more problematic, since it treats hyperactivity and other traits found in neurodivergent *adults* as “kid” traits.

Like, why is B interpreted as the kid of the dynamic? He’s the weird uncle they found in the basement, obviously.

Not to mention, B’s primary trait as the movie goes on is his violent tendencies. Based on the fandom, you’d guess he was the most innocent lil guy, when in the movie, he actively takes joy in creating chaos and going on violent outbursts.

While his violence is made out to be a joke in the movie, in a potential sequel I would *love* to see it taken seriously as a character flaw. B is unpredictable and chaotic, and this could make him hard to work with in the Autobot cause.

B’s violent tendencies are genuinely concerning; the amount of joy he gets from slicing drones in half and holding the security team at knife point is uncharacteristic of your usual Autobot hero, and I wish people would talk about that aspect of his character instead of downplaying it when he gets turned into a lil baby in the fandom.

It reminds me of the infantilization of Tailgate in the MTMTE fandom. He’s treated like a lil baby because he’s small and emotional. This sucks because

1) I’m short and I *hate* seeing physically small characters babified to an extent I know they never would be if they were the same height as the rest of the cast around them

2) it treats being emotionally vulnerable as “child-like,” when MTMTE literally makes a point about the fact that Tailgate is one of the only people who can healthily process his feelings, since he doesn’t have war PTSD, and crying and having other big shows of emotion aren’t childlike, it’s healthy.

3) not to mention that Tailgate was a victim of emotional manipulation. Infantilizing him treats him like he was “gullible” for being tricked when Getaway was literally painstakingly planning a longterm relationship to groom him. Don’t infantilize victims, it’s treats it was their fault for being manipulated and not the abuser… you know, manipulating them.

Tailgate also is powerful/violent like Bumblebee, and this similarity gets downplayed. I haven’t been in as much of the MTMTE fandom (I’m still reading Lost Light, and I’m trying to avoid spoilers) but I have seen the Tailgate infantilization to an extent, and the B infantilization is literally the only way I ever see B being treated by the fandom.

STOP TREATING GROWN MEN LIKE KIDS PLEEASSSEEE

[nataliescatorccioapologist]

Here is something I really want people to understand about Natalie’s arc in the adult timeline:

TW: Discussion of suicide

I know a lot of people have been upset about Natalie’s storyline revolving around Travis in the adult timeline. But her obsession with investigating the circumstances of his death is about so much more than romantic love. It is about her fragile will to live.

The scene in which Natalie breaks down while telling her ex-sponsor about the pact she and Travis had to never commit suicide is so important. This is a moment of real emotion in between her manipulation, you can tell it’s genuine, and it reveals why she has been so desperate for answers.

When Travis dies by an apparent suicide, it doesn’t just devastate Nat emotionally— it threatens the very foundations of her survival. If Travis, someone who understood her darkness and shared her determination to resist it, ultimately broke the pact, it forces Natalie to confront the horrifying possibility that their defiance was futile, that the darkness is inescapable, and that her own resolve might crumble as well.

So her investigation into Travis’s death is just as much about her own survival as it is about justice for him. She is confronting her own existential despair. Travis was, in many ways, her mirror— a reminder that someone else who carries the same guilt and trauma as her can still survive. So she has to prove that it wasn’t suicide.

This is why, after she finally begins to believe that Travis’s death was a suicide and throws away her investigation, we get the scene of her with a gun under her chin fully prepared to pull the trigger.

And this is why it’s so meaningful to see Nat finally find meaning outside of her pact with Travis while she is at Lottie’s compound.

Natalie’s story is about so much more than a man; it’s about her continued battle for survival, her fight against despair and hopelessness, and her desperate search for meaning in the aftermath of trauma.

[anastasiareyreed]

two years have already passed...

today, two years ago, all of Ukraine woke up to explosions, sounds of flying fighter jets, gunshots and screams of terror. today, February 24, is the anniversary of russia's invasion of Ukraine. full-scale invasion, escalation of ten-year genocide. I can't explain the feeling when I first saw wounded people, when I first heard a rocket flying overhead aimed at a residential building.

it is emotionally difficult to comprehend all the terrible events that happened during this time. everything I'm trying to cover here as soon as I get my thoughts together. and everything that I don't have enough strength for...

Bucha massacre

Mass burials in Izium

Mass execution of Ukrainian prisoners in Olenivka

The tragedy of Mariupol

Defense of Azovstal

Bakhmut Fortress

Ecological disaster in Kakhovka

The tragedy of Hroza

Tens of thousands of Ukrainian children forcibly deported to russia

Torture of civilians

The battle for Donetsk Airport

The Ilovaisk Tragedy

russian manipulation and propaganda

burning Ukrainian books, destroying Ukrainian museums and entire cities, torturing people for tattoos connected to Ukraine. forced re-education of children and adults who are forced to learn the russian national anthem, worship portraits of putin every day and receive russian documents in order to receive water and food in the occupied territories. daily shelling and casualties, daily struggle for survival and freedom, which russians want to take away from us.

all the terrible cases of execution of Ukrainian soldiers: beheadings, castration, amputation of limbs, execution of prisoners. burning civilians alive, raping women, men and children, torturing even animals, even little mice. tons of photos and videos that I don't want to add here because even the slightest glimpse of all those images breaks my heart and causes me to have a panic attack. however, you can find it all freely available on the Internet by simply typing in keywords.

instead, I would like to show photos of rallies in support of Ukraine, which took place today all over the world. to find out where each photo is from, see the alt text for them.

despite the fact that in russia they celebrate the war, Ukrainians, who were forced to flee from the war, gathered at rallies around the world, together with residents of the countries that gave them shelter. the civilized world expresses sympathy and grief, with calls to provide arms to Ukraine so that we can defeat russia as soon as possible and return peace to our lives.

it's sad that more photos can't be added to show as many cities as possible that came out to support us today. but I've been looking at all the photos and videos of the rallies all day today and I have tears of gratitude in my eyes. thank you all for continuing to stand with Ukraine!

[pix-writes]

About Silco (relationship hcs and other thoughts)

I just need to get this out here - I love how multifaceted Silco as a character is and the different takes about him, he really is a morally grey antagonist and that in itself sets him up as meet food to feed on when it comes to fanfic, because you can twist him and his character any which way you want without warping his character ~too~ much! Which is amazing!

HOWEVER, I feel like there are some essential elements of Silco's character that is not talked of enough:

How he loves the ones closest to him (much more under cut)

Admittedly this list is rather short, and many have different takes on his role with jinx and how much did he actually manipulate her vs feeling genuinely parental to her (I tend to agree with the sentiment of him being more of a loving father, but I digress) and I find it vitally important to know how he would be in a possible romantic relationship!

Silco lets jinx physically hurt him in this scene^^^ and barely even flinches! (badass but somewhat concerning pain response there, trauma related?) he knows she is lacking in trust of him in this scene, but remains unflappably calm (despite inner concern/panic) and doesn't over explain himself or come up with excuses or lies, he simply tells her the truth (as he views it/believes it). He also doesn't stop her from hurting him with his eye injection by trying to push her away verbally or physically or even to restrain her movements very much, when he does touch her in this scene and many others, he does so lightly and fairly slowly most of the time too, giving jinx plenty of time to react or pull away if she wished. And as we know, silco entrusts her with his eye injections every day which even if used to help her feel useful and to keep watch on her every day, still requires immense trust, as it is vulnerable and intimate to apply something to someone's eye and silco seemed perfectly capable of doing the adminstration himself before meeting jinx. In fact he comes to rely on her for it in time.

(^^^ I mean, look at how even when he's trying to be firm and serious, he's still not ~too~ harsh or quick with his actions, Silco is obviously not used to affection, yet Jinx is often very close to him physically - if not emotionally - and Silco is evidently the most comfortable with Jinx being in his physical space compared with anyone else, even Sevika, who is his loyal right hand and someone he's known for a long time)

In short, I think based on this, that Silco would be very gentle with his partner, especially if they were in an official/committed realtionship. Perhaps, he may be rough at times in his words or actions; it would be different to how he treats Jinx, as she is his daughter and I feel he has residual grief/guilt over what happened to her mother, too, which makes him more suceptible to be lienient with Jinx in particular (on top of his accpeting nature of her, flaws n all). You're an adult and can take harshness or roughness on his part, especially when it comes to 'working out' frustrations 😏

Overall, though, Silco would be gentle with his partners - based on the evidence above - he may be scary, intimidating, withering to others, but with you - you see a softer, more unreserved version of him (as much as that can be said for Silco, as I feel he is a character who shuts himself away behind the walls he's built up for himself, so it's hard for him to get into a romantic relationship as I feel he's a character that isn't open to that, initially). He will be most receptive to your touch, like Jinx you may even be able to touch his neck (a place that has triggers for him, given his trauma), its less likely he will find your touch unwanted, in fact it soothes him. The times he's likely to ever pull away from your touch is when you're both being observed, as he would be careful about who he shows affection around, given his status, he is aware of how dangerous some people can be (yet he also has confidence that you are 1. well protected 2. it would take a severe lack of self preservation for anyone to attempt to harm the S/O of the Eye of Zaun).

He's not one to physically intimidate or be rough with his partners (at least not without their consent first), in fact he is to others, uncharacteristically soft with his S/O (not that they're likely to witness this, as he is his most unreserved and gentle behind closed doors). He will be teasing, joking and smile more around you, his world is often harsh and I think his partner will be one of his solaces in his life and this is in part why you are treated so affectionately by him <3

Even in his speech he would be much more receptive, encouraging and softer in comparison to how he interacts with most others. Praise is hard earned from this man but his partner can expect the most well considered praises and compliments that could ever come from Silco's mouth. The things he will say will leave you with a glowing ego for days or make you incredibly flustered! ;)

Silco is also a person who greatly values respect and loyalty, despite being a character who has been continually betrayed in trust in different and catastrophic ways, even reserving respect for Vander after his betrayal. You can also see this with those closest to him - Jinx and Sevika and how he treats them, and in turn how they treat him to some extent. So, Silco would deeply resepct and admire his romantic partner, he will value their opinions/what they say and do as well as be the most accepting of how they are as a person. Some of the qualities you dislike or think are deep flaws of yours? Yeah, they will be something he will likely most admire you for! He knows he has his own flaws, his own trauma and insecurities that he has transformed or wants to transform into strengths, I feel like Silco has had people see him as the monster, the freak well before his eye injury, shunned by most others; therefore these traits are things he can see beauty within, and as his partner you best know that he will want to see you transform, too. The dark/shadow parts of your self? He'll see it clearly and will love you all the same, in fact it's perhaps one of the first things that he notices that endears you to him.

[multishipper001]

I don't see much discourse about Study Group, although it's an absolute masterpiece, so let's put some content out here!

1.) The characters

Oh my babies. Hats off to the author, because he really can make a diverse set of people! Each character has a fleshed out backstory, defined goals and ideals (that are shown to clash with others, be it enemies or allies).

They're all very-human like in some way, with just enough cliché to make it enjoyable but not predictable.

(spoiler for chapter 252-253: I didn't know what choices Gamin and especially Geonyeob would make until the very last moment. Geonyeob had two choices ahead of him, and it heavily determined his future and showed a glimpse of what kind of person he is, how far he's willing to go for revenge... It surprised me, but boy was it an interesting chapter!)

You can't help but root for each and every one of them, prepare to get emotionally attached to them all!!

2.) The plot

This part deserves its own category.

The synopsis tells the base of the story. A high school boy that forms a study group, with the goal to enter university.

Easy, right? Simple goal, one that can be achieved if you study hard, right?

THINK AGAIN

First of all, and this is not a spoiler, our mc SUCKS ASS at studying. Like I'm not the best at studying either but he's on a whole new level. He puts time into it, is dedicated, tries his hardest... And still can't.

(I read theories that he may have a disability that affects his studying, like dyslexia or something, and it's very much possible!)

He's in an environment where people don't expect him to study since he's bad anyway, and actively try and sabotage his every attempt to get better grades & enter uni.

(Sounds cliche and weird but it makes sense if you learn about the plot later)

Every new character comes into the plot because of the study group he forms —directly or not directly, but they get in contact with the study group in a way later on.

And you know what's good about it?

The main character DOESN'T CHANGE.

He's not going "I'm powerful and cool now, so I'll choose the easy way out/focus on fighting instead/aim lower/etc," NO.

He's had a goal since day 1, and he's clinging to it like a fucking LIFE LINE.

There are arcs ofc, but the main goal is set, and the characters are slowly marching forward, doing their best to reach it.

3.) Realism

One more great thing? NO CLICHÉS

I'm taking about the story here.

There's NO "the power of friendship saves the day", no "the evil villain gets defeated simply because he's the evil villain", no "mc gets what he wants easily because he's the main character".

(and no "every girl falls for mc and he builds a harem around himself bc he's the mc". There's barely any romance in it, and it's not forced or unrealistic)

There are forces in front of the main character which affect his story, yet he cannot fight them because he's still a child, or a student, or a part of a system that is made to oppress him. Corruption, manipulation, crimes... It's realistic in the best way, with no easy way out.

There are highs and lows for our characters, and for a few moments, after a cool fight where they won, you might fall into the mistake of thinking about this story like any other : "oh, they're going to win after all! They're the main characters, they'll make it! "

... Just for the issues of the plot to slap the naive thought out of your head not even a chapter later.

Corruption is rooted deep, and this story portrays it beautifully : how getting rid of one, two or several causes won't make it all disappear.

To what extent people can be controlled by money and power.

How the powerful uses the weak, how the wealthy use those below them for their own benefit.

How adults would rather destroy children's futures and lives just to squeeze a few penny out of them and get rich from their misery.

The main character is idealistic in a corrupted world, refusing to give up on what he thinks is right —where most people around him choose the easy way out and give up their beliefs, their present and future for quick cash, for promises of wealth and power.

He is their mirror, their proof that you can stay true to yourself and fight through your misery, even if it's hard, even if it seems absolutely hopeless.

There are many arcs, and each show different approaches to this, but this is the core essence of the story. That you can choose the easy road, but you don't have to. You can fight for your goals even if everyone says you'll fail.

And so many people can't see past the fight scenes and the "action manhwa" tag, thinking that if the story doesn't show them some peak badass mc-gets-what-he-wants-through-fighting moment, the whole thing is trash.

Yes, this is an action manhwa, with fights. But it isn't about fighting.

And lastly, honorable mentions to this gem:

4.) Portrayal of stereotypes

Best parts coming up!!

As usual, every story has stereotypes portrayed in them.

How men are stronger than women, how gangsters act or rich kids behave. How bullies and nerds interact.

They don't gloss over these stereotypes.

Women are physically smaller and weaker. Rich kids are assholes, bullies are cruel and victims are weak.

They don't make them magically gain courage, change their behaviour overnight OR make these things seem cool.

They make changes.

Step by step, they are influenced by each other (not just the mc, but other characters as well: they exist even when the mc isn't present). They're weak, and powerless, but they learn to be brave. They find a way to fight : maybe they don't become martial artists overnight, but each one of them develops their own method to survive in their fucked up life.

If they need to study better, they ask their friends and teacher for help. If they need to fight, they do so for the sake of protecting themselves and what is important to them : family, friends, a cause.

None of them are made as a gear to move the plot forward, they're their own characters. And they have clichés. They have stereotypical behaviours, and maybe even look stereotypical. But even so, they're not making it their only personality trait : they're complex, and flawed, and make mistakes.

And it's beautiful.

Oh god I love this story dearly.

[zith-ipeth]

A dog came into the shop today, his name was Maximus

This is a post about transandrophobia and man hating platitudes

I’ve been sitting around the edge of this discourse because I have stakes and traumas in it, but idk, fuck it, it shouldn’t be discourse.

I see a lot of comparisons between humanity and our canine cousins, it helps me understand modern politics and social issues. This post might not make sense, if I say things that are harmful, I do not mean it. And please for the love of all that is holy correct me, public or private, I’m learning, and making mistakes

—————————

When I was younger, a member of my aunts family, a large mutt named Hunter, jumped on me in a playful gesture, he was about as big as I was at 9 years old, and all muscle. He knocked me over and left a massive claw mark on my stomach. He was a fantastic dog, excitable, very cuddly, loved to play with his siblings. This isn’t to say he was perfect, no one is, he got aggressive, and has barked and bit people before

This can happen with rescues, turns out abuse can often create animals that cuase harm because that’s what they know

No one is one dimensional

In middle school, I was sexually assaulted, emotionally abused and manipulated by a trans boy my age, we were both young, far too young. I can’t say he was nice man, when we grew up he refused to acknowledged any of the harm he had caused, and caused further harm as he got older. But at the time, I knew that what happened wasn’t a cold calculated process, he was too young to have learned this from anything other than abuse that happened onto him

This can happen with trans folks, turns out abuse can often create people that cause harm because that’s what they know

But no one is one dimensional…

———————

Tumblr has been having this whole moment with transandrophobia/transmisandry, it’s, a lot. And for some reason I thought as all this was happening, that my beliefs about it would be kinda, one sided.

Cis men are violent and “bad” due to masculinity: I’ve seen this a thousand times, first and second hand, I’ve felt it, in the shaking hand of a girl sobbing and I’ve felt it as bruises on my abdomen, left by boys older than me.

Trans men are violent and “bad” due to masculinity: I’ve felt this, I’ve been hurt by this, in a way that broke me down in a way nothing else has

But I still felt, off, about it

Mostly because like, yeah, masculinity can be bad and scary, this is true. But it’s not one dimensional like that, masculinity can be amazing too, masculine cis men have saved my ass from being bullied in school more times than I can count.

No one is one dimensional

Also, misandry, even separate from transness, IS REAL, I was a guy for a long time, I felt it. My friend, who was cis, felt it, and still feels it. They have trouble making friends in college because people view them as a threat, due to their masculinity, that’s a real problem

And that problem is multiplied by the intersection of transness

And like yeah, it’s not as societally pervasive as misogyny, but even if it’s small, it’s still there, and still hurts people

I have every excuse to perceive trans men as violent and evil, and yeah, sometimes men, and often trans men, get scary to me, cuase it clicks a response in my brain. But I’m also an adult, and know that I share community with my cis and trans masc allies.

And somthing interesting about the boy who assaulted me, is how fast people were to take away his transness, my friends started using his old names, using dehumanizing pronouns he didn’t use, saying that it was “man behavior”. He’s a trans man, he was a bad person, those arnt connected, and one shouldn’t effect the other, being perceived as the gender you are isn’t a “reward” for good behavior. he was an asshole, and a liar, but he was man.

I get how one can be scared when someone is part of a group when someone in that identity group hurt you, but learning to love those people is incredibly fulfilling, and is something you must do as a trans ally

The relationships with men, trans and cis, I’ve had have been some of the most fun, flirtatious and physically/mentally stimulating relationships I’ve ever had

——————

Today at the pet supply shop I work at, a dog named Maximus came in

Massive, maybe 115 pound mastiff, clipped ears, docked tail, golden chain collar. His person was a built man, shaved head, full beard.

They came in for a self serve bath, and when they left, Maximus was wagging the nub of his tail, tapping his paws and whining, smelling all the amazing smells in the store. I got down to his level to pet him, and he jumped on me, playfully. His size made the visual of him jumping on me a little scary, but the kisses made it a lot better

No one is one dimensional

—————

Trans men face unique transphobia, if that bothers you, fuck off. If you want to demonize a trans man for shit they didn’t even do, for shit that other men have done, fuck off.

Judge people for who they are, not for who they might be, I don’t give a shit how scary a man looks, try and understand them regardless

I love dogs, and sometimes they’re scary, but that’s something I need to work through

I love men, and sometimes they’re scary, but that’s somthing I need to work through.

Run fast, bite hard, bark loud

Peace love and gratitude

-Zith Ipeth

[watermelon-jooce]

OKAY dont flame me for this, but heres a Saiki K hot take that I think shoukd be talked about more.

I feel like people REALLY have to start taking what Kuusuke did to Toritsuka more seriously, because its pretty bad the more you think about it.

⚠️Large TW for emotional manipulation and gr00ming undertones. ⚠️

(‼️if you're gonna debate please read all first‼️)

I can't find the specific panels, but what Kuusuke did to Toritsuka was taking advantage of him, he pried on his insecurities.

Kuusuke was seen telling Toritsuka how much "better" he is than Kusuo, how he has better powers, how he should be put on a pedestal instead of stupid old Kusuo.

Toritsuka is seen before hand disliking his own powers. He want's more from them, he wants them to be less useless. Kuusuke knows this, because Toritsuka is honest and probably told him.

Instead of offering help, he pried in on that insecurity. By telling Toritsuka that he's better than Kusuo, that he's more important, Toritsuka was drawn in so quickly. He'd never really been told or praised for his power before, most people not believing him for being a Medium or others saying his powers are useless.

When Toritsuka was finally told by Kuusuke that he was better, that someone finally believed he was better than the person he always compared himself to.

Toritsuka seems easily impressionable, we don't get to see his father much if at all, and we haven't heard about his mother at all. Im assuming he lives in the temple with little to zero family, being raised by the temple instead of his own parents.

He probably lacked good life lessons, Toritsuka always goes to others for help, he begs because its all he most likely knows how to do.

Kuusuke knows this, and he uses it against him. He knows Toritsuka has a grudge against Kusuo for his powers, he knows Toritsuka is insecure about his own, he knows Toritsuka is vunerable with this information.

And what does he do? He emotionally manipulates Toritsuka into helping him attack Kusuo with the Cat Tank.

Yeah, you could be thinking, well Kuusuke is a bad person mostly in a whole(I could go on and on about why he is the way he is), and that he's bound to manipulate others into doing what he wants, but when you really think about it, Kuusuke is an 19/20 year old adult that took advantage of a 16 year old kid.

Could it be considered that Kuusuke technically groomed Toritsuka? Grooming is not always 'adult takes advantage of a child for something explicit', grooming can be taking advantage of a child for something in return. It's not always for the other, much worse, option, I'm not saying Kuusuke is a kiddy diddler, im saying he groomed Toritsuka to get what he wanted, which was to attack Kusuo.

I have seen someone talk about this before, I can't remember who but someone had mentioned the gravity of it and the strange undertones of what Kuusuke did to Toritsuka, finding a child and taking advantage of his insecurities to get what he wants through emotional manipulation.

I know you could say that 'Kuusuke is about only 19/20, he's not much older than Toritsuka who is 16/17' But that is heavily, heavily besides the point. The point is that Kuusuke is still an adult. Kuusuke is known to be one of the smartest people to live. Toritsuka is a child, and Toritsuka is still in school.

Again, please understand I'm not saying Kuusuke is a kiddy diddler. I don't want people to flame me for 'thinking that.' Kuusuke obviously has a lot of problems of his own, and emotional manipulation is something he is used to doing and probably doesn't even realise he's doing it because it helps him get what he wants.

I can see how its just emotional manipulation, and I am willing to hear anybody out on this and debate(politely), and if i'm wrong I will admit I am wrong.

But AGHH this has really been eating at my brain. Kuusuke manipulating Toritsuka using his insecurities and stuff to get what he wants is just super weird to me. Kuusuke is obviously a more creepy character, and I believe if the anime were more serious it would play a lot more on that fact.

But yeah, this is what I believe what happened. Again, its a really heavy topic so if you guys wanna tell me im wrong you can tell me im wrong and I will hear you out. I was just thinking about it and after seeing one person mention it a while back its been in the back of my mind for a while.

Not saying its wrong to love Kuusuke, I know the fandom is split on him. I personally don't care about whether someone loves him or not, cause one side you can say he got his freak off to his brother, but the other side says he was just excited and not doing anything weird. Kuusuke is a really interesting character and I really wanna do a big essay on him like this soon.

But yeah thats all I had to say, just remember if you guys wanna tell me im wrong you can tell me im wrong and I will hear you out.

(can you guys tell i dont wanna be destroyed)

[touch-starved-reader]

Brahms Heelshire SFW Alphabet

not proof read.... enjoy

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

On a scale from 1-10 brahms is a solid 9.

Brahms preferes to show, not tell. He likes to show affection with little acts of service like making you a sandwich. But his absolute favorite is  physical touch all the way. When you first move in he is a little nervous to touch you, but once he is used to it he will bear hug you every chance he gets.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Brahms is a clingy best friend, and he definitely has rules he set up for his friends even when he was young. He will get jealous easily and probably lash out at you. He doesn't want to be mean, but he has rules for a reason, if you would just follow them he would be a great friend.

As a friend he doesn't quite see you as an equal, unlike his nanny you have no right to tell him what to do. He sees nothing wrong with bossing you around and manipulating you. None of this is done with bad intentions, he just thinks he knows better than you. 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He loves cuddles,but his favorite is to hold you like you are a stuffed animal. He most definitely has a body pillow of you in the walls so this is just the position he is used to. However, sometimes he just wants to rest his head in your lap and have you play with his hair. 

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Brahms can do the bare minimum with cooking and cleaning, he knows how to but prefers it if someone else does it for him. 

In regards to settling down, in brahms eyes as soon as he lays his eyes on you, you are his forever. I don't think he would ever do an official wedding ceremony, but he would most definitely give you a family heirloom ring and would refer to himself as your husband. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

To put it simply, the only way out of this relationship is death. Either he kills you, you kill him, or one of you die of natural causes. This man doesn’t do breakups, and he sure as hell isn't letting you go.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

As I said before, Brahms wouldn't do an official ceremony but to him, he committed to you and you committed to him the moment you stepped foot in the house. 

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He tries his best to be gentle when he can, but the boy is a bit unstable. He has the emotional maturity of a child but the body of an adult, you will get hurt and scared at some point during your time with him, but know it is not his intention and he might apologize for hurting you but will always demand an apology for whatever upset him in the first place.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

His hugs are big, warm, soft and often. At first he might squeeze too hard, but with gentle reminders he will get used to it and give the best hugs. His favorite way to hug you is from behind while you are doing your daily tasks.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He is saying it soon and often. I feel like if he thinks you will leave near the beginning of your stay at the Heelshire manor, he will tell you he loves you and beg you to stay if he thinks you might leave him. Most of the time he says it because he wants reassurance that you love him too. So when he says he loves you, say it back. 

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

If you have seen the movie, you know Brahms doesn’t share. He might get violent towards the person that he thinks is too close to you, lock you up in the attic for a bit, or just be generally clingy once the person leaves. 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

The man likes to keep the mask on, but forehead kisses and kisses on the lips are a must. Once he is ok with taking his mask off in front of you, he will kiss every inch of your body you let him kiss. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Why would you want children? You have him. In all seriousness, the thought crossed his mind once, he thought of baby trapping you, but the idea of having to share your affection was enough for him to solidly decide, no kids, ever. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

This man has his whole day scheduled, he will be waking up promptly when the piece of paper says he will be waking up. He expects breakfast to be made by you most days, but after he starts spending less time in the walls he will make eggs on occasion for you. 

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Read this man a bedtime story and give him a goodnight kiss every night. Otherwise he will be cranky and either sulk or make it your problem. I think he likes to sleep with you in his arms when he can, but his little bed in his room doesn't fit him very well anymore, and it sure wouldn't fit the both of you. However there are plenty of beds in the house, so don't worry. 

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

You are going to find out most things about him on your own, he doesn't particularly talk much. But things like getting to know he is a human, well he will reveal that when he feels he has no other choice, or he just gets extra jealous of the doll. Either way it isn't happening quickly. . 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He is pretty easily angered but just as easily calmed down. Just start going by the schedule and throw in an apology, everything is fine and dandy again.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) 

This man has a shrine and journal dedicated fully to you. He will remember every little detail he can, wether it be to make you happy or to manipulate you, hard to know. 

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The first time you gave him a good night kiss, not the doll but him. Its not like he felt it through the mask, but the proximity made him absolutely ecstatic. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

This man is a protector, anyone tries to hurt you and they won't live to tell the tale. He is so protective that if he thinks you are in the slightest bit of danger he will step in and do something, it might just be moving the doll to freak out the person threatening you, or he may just break through the wall. 

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He puts in a lot of effort into the relationship, not always in a positive way but he is trying. He will on special occasions pamper you though. He is the type to do the simple things to show love since the two of you never leave the house. But he may put something nice for you on the grocery list or set up a nice stay-in movie date. Long story short he tries to keep you happy with what he can. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He is childish in a lot of ways, he needs to be told to pick up after himself, and 9 times out of 10 you will be doing the household chores. That's not to mention the temper tantrums. He doesn't know how to control his emotions very well. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He is actually very concerned about looks, he feels like since there isn't much he can do with his face he covers it. He is also very shallow with his partner's looks, yes he is desperate for love but if you weren't up to his standards you would have been on the chopping block. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Oh this man couldn't survive without you. He doesn't have his parents any more and its not like he could just look for another nanny. On a fundamental level he needs you. That being said he would also be sad and lonely without you. He would miss every little thing you do and drive himself mad without you. 

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

This stinky man loves to take baths and shower, he just didn't have the means to while living in the walls.I feel like he would be very well groomed if he was given the chance. 

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Someone who is rude or has a bad temper. In a weird kind of way, he wants someone motherly, sonmone who can take care of him.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

This man sleeps on a schedule, he may stay up late to watch you through the walls but he is definitely still getting up at the same time every day. I also think he is the type to not move a lot in his sleep. The most peaceful time is when Brahms is asleep.

[xcaffeineandcuddlesx]

♬ i bet on losing dogs - mitski, your best american girl - mitski ♬

- evening, the undercroft -

“do you… think i’m good?”

the question stuns me. it’s not perplexing, nor unsurprising, but i’ve never considered it. of course, objectively, i believe he’s good. he’s sebastian sallow, for merlin’s sake. headstrong and making sacrifice after sacrifice even if it’s not his own because he’s relentless, driven by love. he’s always had good intentions no matter how he achieved what he wanted. even if it meant lying to his best friend. even if that meant manipulating people like me. even if it meant killing his uncle.

“i’m sorry?” i ask in return, unsure if i heard it correctly.

how could i not? it’s silent otherwise. merely a low crackle of a fire in the undercroft’s makeshift hearth and a ticking clock somewhere, but it’s just us. I shift to face him more directly as we lounge on a sofa, the tall stacks of books and some miscellaneous homework long forgotten as we had drifted into thoughtful silence.

i can see the misery, though. his downcast eyes being filled with such despair, such conflict.

“please, i need you to be honest with me. am i good?… am i a good person?” his voice cracks and it’s a painful reminder that things weren’t supposed to happen as they did. not that either of us needed another reminder.

the end of our fifth year is coming too quickly to an end. the classes are becoming shorter, more of a blur as the days fade away like smoke in the wind. it’s disorientating and the disassociation we’re experiencing is weighing heavily on every aspect of our lives. most days, it’s like i’m floating through the halls, like i’m in a weird sensory deprived dream as the faces and voices turn unrecognizable, like muffled buzzing, not even sure of the day of the week. the o.w.l.s came and went, i think, and now the both of us are left wandering the castle, trying to pick up the broken pieces of our youth.

the students are ecstatic about the upcoming summer, and every mention of their plans gouges a small part of me out, carving deep until i’m hollow. i hear them talk over meals about their family’s summer houses or trips they’ve planned, the promises of exchanged owls and slumber parties. all the while, i’m being congratulated by faces i’m not even sure i’ve seen.

my first year introduced into a world of whimsy and i become the “hero of hogwarts”. most have no idea the things i had to do to earn such a title. it’s made me sick. physically, mentally, emotionally sick. the late nights, overloaded course work, expectations, favors, expeditions with classmates, watching the cruelty of poachers, raids, battles, trials, death threats from adults in full confidence of them knowing i’m only a student, the blood on my hands.

i couldn’t just stop it once i had begun. i couldn’t just return to safety behind the castle’s walls and resume classwork as though the safety of every man, woman, and child in the school, neighbouring towns, and highlands were at stake and i was the only one trusted to, expected to, and even capable of coming to the rescue.

i didn’t sign up for this. neither did he.

we weren’t supposed to face the world the way we did. we weren’t supposed to do the adult’s jobs, no matter how grown we believed we were. we weren’t supposed to be heroes, we were supposed to be kids.

that’s what we are; kids.

he’s just a boy. a crestfallen, scared, mournful, alone, and traumatized boy.

so now isn’t the time to define what “good” means or to explain that the world isn’t comprised of black and white or “good” or “bad”, but of horribly muddied shades of grey that are entirely up to perception. he doesn’t want to hear about the intricacies of morality. he wants to be reminded he’s still capable of being loved.

i can’t possibly look at him the same way. nor can he look at me the same he did at the beginning of the year. i’m nowhere near a saint, but perhaps our histories is what makes us perfect for each other. after all, the pot shouldn’t dare be the one to call the kettle black.

“of course you are, seb,” i attempt to soothe him, mustering as much emotion as i could. he nods, hearing what i said, but not as through he believed it.

the conversation was difficult to hold after that. i knew he wanted to say more. he wanted to repeat his offenses and for me to kiss away the worries anyhow. he wanted to remind me of what he’s done and push me away, to self sabotage his growth to have an excuse to hide away like a recluse without shame. he wanted- no, he needed more. he needed someone, now more than ever. he needed me. needed to be told he’s human beneath it all, that his blood bleeds red the same as everyone else’s and isn’t tainted black like he believes. he needs to be reminded that he not only can be loved, but that he is.

it’s been especially hard since ominis has left us to our own devices for now, needing a break to rationalize his life and choices. neither of us can blame him.

i feel… nothing. nothing at all and everything all at once. i’m spread thin. i’m doing all i can to be here for sebastian and still preoccupied with my own life and loss. professor fig died. he died and i know it wasn’t because of me, but if only i was a little quicker, a little stronger, a little wiser. if only, if only, if only. i knew him for only a few months, but he’s been paramount to my new life. he was a beloved teacher that truly dedicated his time to the betterment of his students. i feel that his avoidable death is pinned on me. i was supposed to a savior and his blood has stained my hands like all the others have. what good are my abilities if i can’t even save those that help me? what good are they if i can’t even maintain normalcy?

nothing has been the same. not me, not sebastian, not ominis, not anne, not the faculty, and certainly not my relationship.

we’re closer than ever, i suppose, but how close is close when each of our minds are wandering light years apart?

sebastian fiddles with the corners of the parchment he’s been toying with for the last hour. it’s another drafted letter for anne. an apology, first step towards reconciliation, a goodbye, self-justification, explanation, i haven’t any clue at this point with how many he’s written.

he’s defeated and solemn, like how you would expect a kicked puppy to look: vulnerable and strangely still trusting despite it all. he looks the part, too. his close are wrinkled, eyes are sunken and devoid of the typical glint of happy mischief, cheeks stained with hours of silent tears, hair tousled, his nose reddened from the constant weeping-induced nose running, and lips chapped from dehydration.

there’s no book that could ever teach someone to manage this type of pain, this level of compiled guilt and shame. we weren’t born with the know how on gluing the pieces back together one by one when your entire world falls apart.

so i do the only thing i know i can to help. i take the note from him and set it down, the ink having long been ruined with blotched mixes of tears and ink, and pull him into a hug.

the sound he makes, heart wrenching, is never one anyone would expect to hear from him. halfway between a choked sob and stifled breath, he lets his face fall on my shoulder and unashamedly breaks.

his body convulses, racked with forceful and raw barks of pain.

i have to blink away several tears myself as he crumbles, what little composure he had left tearing and ripping at the seams. the lump in my throat is hard to ignore as i fear it may strangle me soon. he grips at the loose fabric of my uniform where he’s hugging me, grounding himself to the only constant he has in his life right now.

with one hand making small strokes up and down his back, i use my other to smooth down his hair, holding him close to me.

“i didn’t mean to… i didn’t want to become a bad person,” he manages through shaky breaths and hiccups. “ca-can’t even go home now. haven’t got anyone else to go to.”

“i know, baby, i know.”

i couldn’t maintain a brave face for him and began to sniffle. we were a mess. holding each other and breaking down like the world was ending because for us, it was.

when it’s just the two of us, hero of hogwarts and brave (former) best duelist of the castle, we could let our facade fall away, knowing nobody else could truly grasp the weight on our shoulders. we don’t have to be a formidable duo when it’s just us. we don’t have to pretend like the other isn’t broken seemingly beyond repair.

i eventually lean back, letting him lay across me as he cries until my blouse is soggy. until he’s exhausted and limp.

i try to quiet my whimpering to not wake him, but i can’t help but think of where i’ll go after this. even if i do go back home, my parents wouldn’t understand, they couldn’t possibly.

i’m so different from the person i was merely a handful of months ago. my hair is shorter, poorly chopped after being singed too many times in battle, and my hands are rough with callouses and scabs. i’m unsure how much of my former self i still resemble. at the very least, i know that i have more skin covered in scars than i do freckles and that i have new muscle growth from the running, climbing, borderline parkour, and combat.

i definitely don’t think, act, or speak the same way i did before. i’m not the same bright and eager little girl my parents had proudly gushed over when i received my letter. i can’t go home like this and risk breaking their hearts. i can’t just resume my life like i haven’t done the things i’ve done.

i remember reading of a spell called “obliviate”…

not too sure what i want to do with this yet, but i have an idea of where it’ll go ! i have a bit more in writing, so it may become a mini series of sorts? i’m not sure how well i like this prompt, but i wanted to put it out there anyhow because broken seb is my emotional support animal rn.

please give any feedback and tips you have !!

there’s so much potential with both of their stories and i know angsty seb is popular, but there’s more to him than masked anger and guilt. he would be hardest on himself and begin a downwards spiral, searching for validation that he’s not as bad as he thinks he is.

don’t get me wrong, i love a good seb x mc that’s joyful and loving, but i also love to put characters into hypothetical snow globes and shake it real hard.

stay happy and hydrated,

xoxo ellie

[chaifootsteps]

I've recently been looking through the vivziepop archive blog. And it just made me sad, man. If someone who followed her during her young adult years, with the knowledge that she would get to make not 1,but 2 shows, I'm sure they'd be ecstatic.

You can see the fun cartoony dynamics leaking from her art, was it kind of derivative? Yeah. But maybe if someone could just mix together all the good parts of shows that they adored, something great would come of it!

But that didn't happen. And now it's too late. She's a douchebag. A manipulator. An abuser, at least emotionally (if not financially). And while maybe she was always like this, a 20 something with a few followers on deviantart can get their shit together and get better.

She's, sort of beyond the point of return. And that, hurts. I guess. It's the same feeling I got when my I saw my ex-friend from 6th grade who started being a jerk to me, because I guess she wanted to fit in better, during high-school. The feeling of disappointment. And knowledge that the relationship will never happen again. They'll go their way, you'll go yours.

Except that viv will most likely just hurt more people.

And that? That's just really sad

It hurts, it really does. Thinking about what could have been, what Viv could have been, is the kind of thing that will break your heart if you dwell on it for too long.

It sucks that she's chosen this, had plenty of time to think about it and decided that yes, Regina George is someone she literally and unironically idolizes. This is who she wants to be.

[ratbastarddotfuck]

it blows my mind when I see self proclaimed transfeminists saying that movement towards masculinity is never punished, and movement towards femininity is always punished. because I'm sorry, but that's simply not fucking true. it may be true for trans women/transfems, or queer/gnc men, or cis women under certain specific conditions, but movement towards masculinity is absolutely punished in most people presumed to be women by society (this can include butch transfems!!!! "why are you transitioning just to act like a man" sort of shit). I didn't spend my entire life being abused physically and emotionally by family, teachers/employers, and peers for being a tomboy, then a butch, then a transmasc for other trans people to come up and say that AFAB people aren't punished for being masculine. when I was 15 years old my father told me I was "lucky" I didn't cut my hair shorter than my shoulders, else I'd "look like a dirty butch dyke". so many adults - father, stepmother, many of their friends, my grandparents, teachers, STRANGERS - made it their life's mission to forcibly feminise me, and I mean that seriously. I was forced to wax my face and body from the age of 12 until I moved out at 17, because I looked too "mannish" and it was an embarrassment for my family to be seen with me. I have been routinely punished, abused, bullied and manipulated for being a "masculine girl". this is not an uncommon experience.

like, seriously, go talk to a butch. go read stone butch blues. it's free. and stop assuming shit about experiences you have never had. ALL deviation from the societal norm is punished. that's the fucking point.