#that is built to be supportive
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Religious hurt, ministry burnout and all in between set to 5sos5 // Prologue: You don’t go to parties
I realise this is a rather strange thing to do, what I’m doing. I realise most listeners to songs don’t apply them to the things that I do. But I went through a lot, and this album is like none I’ve heard before: it celebrates and laments and everything in between the power of simple human connection and I won’t lie: it changed my life. It gave me back the pieces and tools to take my life back from a rogue machine of parts that was sucking me dry yet I couldn’t find head or tail of nor differentiate it from the hand that was feeding me, keeping me alive. In some ways, I owe it nothing: the $19.99 I fully paid on my debit card to iTunes that probably gave the four dear humans who created this album maybe a dollar each. In some ways I owe it everything. And so this letter is for you, the strange conglomeration of fandom and random humans I’ve connected to and who don’t know my face or my real name but I enjoy baring my whole heart to. It’s the mark of an artist I suppose. It’s the early symptoms of the fever dreams that allow practical neighbours with my childhood to come up with the visceral imagery that makes up these masterpieces: four voices, and a handful of instruments. I don’t have something nearly as brand-new and original, but this is my voice. And this is how YDGTP gave back my life.
Picture this: it’s 5am. Somewhere, certainly not where I am, but it might as well be when I’m far too tired for 10, 11pm when I’m barely over 20. I’m feeling stuck, overwhelmed, unable to go home, clock off, head to bed. I’d say I’m on my couch but that’s an optimistic statement to assume I have the ability to make it to something soft to lay down my head. I don’t even own a couch.
I’m supposedly somewhere that’s home to me, but if I had any sense in my head I’d kick me out. Out to where? I have no idea.
I wouldn’t even admit it to myself then, but I knew somewhere that I was happiest when I got up before the sun. 5am, after seven to eight hours of sleep. Maybe more, when I’m so tired and drained. In the early hours of the morning (and I feel like I’m betraying this song by saying it) before the world has risen with its expectations, if I can get my life together then, I’m prepared for when I have to interact and feel their energy. I’m also prepared to get my needs met, which they obviously aren’t, or I wouldn’t still be here now.
How am I feeling? Don’t get me started on that. I’m starving, empty, longing for something I haven’t felt satiated in for quite a while. Longing for a bygone time that wasn’t any good, because if I could go back now I could do better with the information I have now. And yet, the world is moving past, the people from that era drifting further and further away. Whatever it is I’m holding my breath for, is starting to feel like I’m waiting at an intersection where the gaps between the cars are getting smaller and smaller and each time I see one I could maybe go in I don’t. I wish I had gone in the previous one, because it was much safer compared to this. That’s basically what my life’s like. I’ve got the last five years running out my mouth. Won’t you relive it with me? Won’t you fix them with me?
Because I still think about the times we were heavy. It sucked, but at least there was connection, something that I’ve run completely dry on now. Racehorse tripping on the dirt that you’ve got on me. I never felt included, loved, but sometimes being insulted is just as good as it means I’m part of the gang. They don’t do that anymore: is it because I’m too fragile now, or because they’ve moved on from me? Vulture circling above of what’s left of me. Because I’m a carcass in the hot sun, at least that’s how I feel. Slowly, not slowly at all actually, rotting.
We go stupid every night, and it was meant to be fun. But.
What a tragedy. Because I’m still here in the darkness, back where we started. It set everyone else up to move on, why can’t I? Everyone else goes home and goes to bed and doesn’t suffer the consequences of the night disabling them forever, going back to the start again and again and re-living it and changing what they’d do because I know better now than I did then, time ticking by me and getting more and more behind. I can’t help the fact that I’m behaving the way that I am.
You make me a heartless monster.
So set this to a fun beat and go dance. Everyone I ever knew is standing in my house. (Are they real, or are they ghosts of people I feel like I failed, when I was never given the resources to be everything they needed?) Maybe I’ll be alright, maybe I’ll be able to put together whatever makes me feel better, maybe, maybe, I said as I invited them, filling up my heart again and again with relational one-night stands and superficial connection just to feel the high for a little while, it’s kept me going for decades. Kept me moving so I can forget that I had it the way I liked it once and I never appreciated it, I didn’t know that I had to. I didn’t know how much it meant until I lost it. I thought I was just fielding distractions, fatal attractions, but maybe the only attraction that was fatal was the one to the world of ableism and the solutions that they said worked for them when I know I need more connection than this superficial world, even one that says they worship something else, lives for something more, can offer. I wonder who I’m looking for.
But you got out. You don’t go to parties anymore.
It’s easier to get manic than depressed sometimes, maybe because I’m already depressed and I learned from young to act like I’m not feeling it. To think of others, think of ways I can help, prioritise hope and isn’t this what I’m doing here? Working towards solutions, why oh why did it go so badly? So I focus on the ideas, I let them stack up in my brain like a tap that’s running at full blast into a tiny plastic cup and when it drowns me just for a little while I get high and life is exciting and come up with good ideas of the world I imagine could be where I’m not alone, up in the clouds I’m not the only one dreaming of this dream. All my friends are up on mars. We’ve been travelling. It’s such a simple explanation and so exciting and it’s exactly how I should be feeling when I’m pouring myself out into something I care so much about, something centred on helping people, as if in a divinely inspired book we have all the solutions for all the world when we read it through a lens of science and adaptive management that constantly re-evaluates the fruits of what we’re doing and doesn’t let silly traditions that sap our energy get in our way. Shoot for mars. Why, oh why, does no one else stand with me here? Why am I still longing for that kind of teamwork, belonging, purpose?
So I lost my limit. It’s hard to find it when I’m so perpetually starved for the thing I need, that I try to make sure everyone around me gets. I’m dumb and I’m passionate. I care. And what’s the sacrifice of one person in the scheme of things? It’s not an accident. I was the one who took my foot up off the brake. Another lonely night.
It’s easier to put a smile on my face and go through the motions to this happy beat, yearning, pouring out the passion and love I wish I received on others.
Fill it with the best country drum solo I ever heard.
And remember where I am. Longing for connection. Where are you? Where is the one who I’m looking for?
But I know. You don’t go to parties anymore.
And that’s why I need to leave.
#personal mental health tag#burnout#ministry burnout#bipolar awareness#ydgtp#you don't go to parties#5 seconds of summer#5sos5#if you're here because of the 5sos tags try not be too weirded out#i kinda can't believe i did this but it's a whole thing. more to come#youth ministry is actually just a party#that is built to be supportive#until you're giving of yourself i guess and that was me
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How did Bonnie get so fucking tall in FNAF 2…
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf fanart#fnaf movie#vanessa fnaf#mike schmidt#abby schmidt#withered bonnie#fnaf 2#fnaf 2 movie#so the behind the scene photos shown last month#Bonnie’s gonna be so big#LIKE I know he’s been big the fnaf 2 model scaling is wacky#but withered Bonnie is gonna be a HUGE guy#I can’t imagine how Mike and Vanessa will react#especially Vanessa like she knows these animatronics#she’d have no reasons to why he’s so big now#dude just grew Bonnie built so different#Abby of course is just happy to see her friend again#she only supports him 🩵
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the most difficult thing about growing as a person socially, as in getting out of your shell and noticing that you are, is that there will still be times when it doesn’t feel like you’ve grown at all! times when you can’t really connect with anyone around you, times when you fail to enter into an existing conversation, times when you say the wrong thing (or nothing at all when in hindsight you probably should’ve). but that’s also kind of the best thing, because that’s the thing that helps you realize that sometimes, it’s not you or your lack of skills or any shortcoming. sometimes certain environments just aren’t for you and certain people aren’t your people, and that’s okay. that’s human. it’s okay to not feel the progress you have made all the time.
#and that goes for every type of growth#backstory of this post:#after I came back after a few months of doing my international internship I felt so much more confident#it was easier making friends and walking up to people#i took more chances#and generally just heard it a lot from those around me who kept telling me how much i’d changed#this was further supported by my first office job that went pretty well#but then came my grad internship. and while i love the work and have met some great people I noticed it was difficult again#there was one office lunch where no one spoke to me at all! it was my first week and I didn’t know what to say#if i should even say anything#we were all sitting at the same table#not one person even glanced my way#it made me doubt myself; i was doing so well before#was that even real? why can’t I just speak up? this is not the way to connect with people#especially in my first week!#but you know what#i was still doing well. i just had to factor in the fact that these were all middle aged people talking about reality shows i didn’t watch#and bikes i knew nothing about#as well as people who knew i was the new intern yet didn’t speak to me at all even though I’d introduced myself to them all individually#and even so#people I couldn’t really talk to about MY interests outside of work either#my point being:#it’s okay to not feel a connection with everyone you meet#it’s okay to fall back into old habits even though you’ve developed new ones#it will never unravel the process you’ve made and the connections you’ve built#you’re doing fine#after this internship I will surround myself with people who reaffirm that belief#growth in the self#self love#positivity
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Adrenaline⚔️
Starting to try and puzzle piece the lore together with some in between doodles. Tang and the gang (Sandy and Pigsy) have to go rescue baby MK from Spider Queen after a surprise ambush leads her to capture him and Wukong.
These two comics lead to this point [X][X]
The aftermath [X][X]
#lmk#lmk mk#lmk tang#Baba Tang#lego monkie kid#lmk au#expedition au#curious george au#we’re still going ham at this au more context and snippets eventually stay tuned#Angel is epic go support them#the lore gets built so fast it’s hard to keep up sgdbdjs
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My mom (and my sister) said that both baby Stan and Ford are adorable but Ford is cuter and she likes him better and I think my heart is shattered.
This post is dedicated to my favorite kid Stanley panels:
My mom didn’t even like him when I showed the one where he murders those two kids 😭😭😭 that’s the best part!!!
#gravity falls#stanley pines#stanford pines#I just wanna hold him and tell him he’s wonderful and creative and amazing#he’s trying his best#hes just a baby HES JUST A BABY#she doesn’t like that he’s a con man but MAYBE he wouldn’t have become a con man if he had a better support group 😤😤😤#I mean c’mon this kid had practically NO ONE#the only one there for him was his brother#and he was always over shadowed by his brother#everything he did in comparison wasn’t enough#and so yeah he takes shortcuts to catch up and then all he knows to do is lie and cheat because anything else he tried to do got shot down#HE WANTED TO DRAW COMICS DAMNIT#and really he was also pretty skilled in crafting! like foot bot and the boat he built with his brother#he probably just didn’t realize that that was impressive because of course it wasn’t his brother was doing things ten times cooler#YOU GUYS WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HIM THE WAY I DO#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CHILDHOOD#WHERE I WAS *ALSO* OVER SHADOWED BY MY SIBLING AND FELT THAT I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH#AND I’D GET IN TROUBLE FOR SHIT I DIDNT DO#AND WAS CONSIDERED THE SCREW UP#THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.#SHUT UP.
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BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER 6x19 | “Seeing Red”
#btvsedit#btvs#buffythevampireslayeredit#buffy the vampire slayer#creations#buffyseries#dailybtvs#willow rosenberg#tara maclay#dawn summers#tillow#as a Dawn Fan^TM#i really really love her relationship to tillow. like obviously i am no. 1 fan of the spike/dawn relationship#and everything it carries. but people really like to raise up spike as dawn's caretaker during The Summer#but the throughline that is dawn living with tillow and tara making the pancakes and their little impromptu family.#and how dawn is the main one carrying that dynamic after buffy is back.she's still SO invested in the family they built while buffy was gon#this scene in SR really sets up the gut punch that is dawn's reaction to tara in Villains#bc buffy is dawn's sister. but honestly so are tara and willow at this point. dawn's support system is all of buffy's friends but#particularly a special place for tara/willow/babysitter spike#buffysource
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i don’t mind suspending my disbelief for leverage’s person-sized ventilation shafts bc that’s pretty standard for the genre, but that doesn’t mean i won’t laugh a bit at some of the egregiously large vents. particularly in the crowning acheivement job (lev: red s2 finale) because - well just look at this lol! harry and parker, two adults, can kneel side by side in those vents. parker can sit upright.
that museum was made for vent crawling purposes. that’s just an extra room in the museum they forgot to decorate. the leverageverse has a thief union that successfully lobbied for a better working environment. these vents double as a playground for museum-goers’ children. i was crying with laughter thinking about this and harry’s vent crisis was NOT helping me remember that there was a serious heist thing going on lol, i love this show.
#leverage redemption#leverage#parker leverage#harry wilson#harry wilson leverage#parker#wren speaks#leverageposting#the sun roofs (or are they just lights?) really get me lmao#ALL of the person-sized vents are unrealistically large so this is not criticism! this is a generic convention!#vents are not human-sized and clean or remotely safe enough to reliably crawl through irl#but basically every building in every crime drama has comfortably person-sized vents#usually for knee crawling not even people lying on their stomach bc that’s difficult to move and looks sillier#and that thin layer of the ceiling under the vent is usually surprisingly built well enough to support a persons weight#and there’s no fans or rats or dust or bugs or that foil tube stuff i forgot the word for#and it’s often oddly well-lit. and that’s okay! it’s fiction! we’re having fun!#sewers tend to be unrealistically large + accessible + well-lit etc in fiction too.#anyway my point is i’m not saying this as criticism! just a neutral obserativion of something i found funny!
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house md is wild because house tells wilson that he’ll sacrifice many things but never himself and then he sacrifices himself for wilson. and then he sacrifices himself for wilson. and then he sacrifices himself for wilson. and then he
#also like. this is the guy who said that 'people dont change' for the majority of his life and then when wilson is dying hes like 'i can cha#nge' its that he doesn't talk about his feelings and he cannot bear to show weakness until it seems that he is losing wilson and then#he will literally say anything to keep him its that he is shown repeatedly to be a vicodin addict and that hes destroyed relationships over#his pain and his need for vicodin but he'll give wilson his own pills and go without to make sure wilson has enough meds its that he is#old and cynical and his beliefs about humanity have been written in stone and his walls are topped with turrets and barbed wire but the gate#s fucking open for wilson time and again and wilson is the exception to the rules time and again its. so fucked up#wilson is quite literally his anchor in humanity wilson is his achilles heel wilson is his entire support system the foundations of gregory#house's life have been built around one james evan wilson from the moment he saw that twink throw a bottle into a mirror. am i making sense#here. do these words mean anything#house#wilson#hilson#house md#hatecrimes md#house is a very very carefully constructed facade and wilson is a fucking sledgehammer.
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people who are weird about artists sharing their own OCs make no sense to me. if you support an artist and you don’t bother getting into their own original art with their own world building and characters you’re missing out! it’s so fun to see artists i follow going down paths with their own OCs and creating a world with their own lore, side OCs and everything i find it fascinating
#this is a 5am ramble#i just saw a post on here about OCs and how supporting artists means to support all the art that artist creates#including their own OCs#and i’m like yes holy shit#it’s so cool to see people just ramble on about their own OCs and have drawings attached and an entire world built for them#just really neat in my opinion
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Each new positive spin that Williams tries to put on the situation just makes it sit even worse with me … maybe I’m reading into it too much but the undertone of disrespect is frankly ridiculous
#they really tweeted supporting from the garage 👊 like they left him with any other choice#seems like they destroyed all the good PR they built up over the last season in less than 24 hours#f1#formula 1#formula one#logan sargeant#ls2#williams racing#williams f1#aus gp 2024#australian gp 2024
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How much of me is me? (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Papyrus#Another one that I cried to while drawing hehe ♪ Hhhhh I love their dynamic so much <3 <3 ;;#Sans' apparent disinterest in hurting Gaster is deeply interesting to me - we see him punch Gaster in Mercyplates even! :0#I can't help but feel that a good portion of it is Papyrus being there with him when Gaster gives them his arm haha#Would he have been as well-behaved if he'd been by himself? I wonder :)#But generally I read it as him having grown up <3 They've both matured so beautifully by that point it's just ah- such a treat to read#Their transition from their childhood to their teens and young adulthood into themselves is just jdlksafhdsfd it's incredibly well written!#I say ''I wonder'' quite a lot lol but that's just speculation - watching them grow into themselves is So Incredibly satisfying <3#It feels so natural to watch them become themselves ♥ It's beautiful ♪♫#And their sibling dynamic is truly unrivaled <3 They support each other! Lift each other up! Where one stumbles the other catches him!#I love them so much ahh#Papyrus' emotional intelligence gets me so bad <3 The sweetest lad#I feel like it would bother Sans that he/they have Gaster's memories and not their own#It makes me especially sad to think about everything he missed of them - if only you hadn't fallen behind on the footage Gaster! >:0#They already have some pretty incredible identity issues just throw being pieces of him in every sense into the mix#They're grown from him and even when they got away and built themselves that still got subplanted with memories that aren't even theirs!#It's a rough spot#Papyrus though ♥ Always knows what to say hehe#Reaffirming that Sans is the most important person to him - that they are to each other - that no matter what they're brothers#And that no matter what - even having Gaster's memories or being without memories at all - that Sans is a good person#That it's not out of self-preservation or trying to do it for Papyrus' sake (even if that is a lot of it haha)#That /Sans/ is the one making that decision of his own volition and his own morals and beliefs#And that he loves and supports him no matter what <3#''I know you can be a good person. You can choose to do the right thing'' and ''I see you being a good person. You're doing the right thing'#Hhhh <3 I love them <3
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help siraj rebuild! 🏡
while it's extremely important to help palestinians escape the current conditions in gaza, we have to do it with faith that the people of palestine will return to their homeland and rebuild. some have already taken up the difficult task of being the first to rebuild. i've had the pleasure of befriending siraj @siraj2024, whose goal is to rebuild his home in a safer location in gaza. his home was destroyed by the idf at the beginning of the war, and the 5 members of his family — including 3 young children — have been forced to relocate over and over. siraj's family recently raised enough money to relocate from the dangerous situation they were in, but for the time being they are still living out of makeshift tents. their current goal is $20 000 CAD for building supplies. i cannot overstate how important it is to help provide this young family with a cool and stable shelter; temperatures in gaza are extremely hot in august (around 40°C/100°F) and there is very little potable water available in the strip. with this new home, siraj can keep his sweet children safe now, and, one day soon, provide shelter to his extended family when they make their return.
siraj and his family are currently hoping to raise $20 000 CAD for basic building materials for an initial building, which will eventually be extended into a real house and home. even a small donation will go a long way toward helping.
the family's fundraiser has been vetted by @el-shab-hussein (x) and @nabulsi (x), among others.
there are currently two raffles going on through which you can support siraj — one for a collector's edition of madeleine l'engle's wrinkle in time quintet and one for a custom art commission!
#donations#fundraiser#mutual aid#palestine#p#please donate if you're at all able! siraj (and his sister amani) is genuinely a very kind and determined person#and supporting him now means supporting even more people later on#when gazans return they will need somewhere to stay while their own homes are being built. with this home siraj can do that
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hi im curious
i hve an insane like to reblog ratio on a lot of my art and i just can never get my head around it . girls did u know if u see smth u like u can reblog and tag it and then you can find it easily forever
#be like the rest of us and make a cringe side blog#personally i use likes to show agreement with mutuals text posts . the kind of ones that rnt rlly appropriate to reblog#and then saving posts for later when i have more time to look at them#i do wish there was a like thumbs up feature on here or something . like a way to show support but it doesnt save the post on ur blog#like i dont want to unlike my beloved mutuals vent post but also . i have 5000 likes#ive had my main blog since 2012 so thats a very built up backlog but.....alas
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Head canon:
Hero's have adapted their suits to help them. They have extra back stabilization cus of a back injury, built in braces for their knees, elbow or wrists etc. This means they can't just take off their suits and trade them cus they're custom made for each hero.
#based on Bruce wearing the Nightwing suit. Bruce you cant do that think of your back. your batsuit has braces in it get that off#comics#dc comics#batman#nightwing#red robin#green arrow#but also green arrow like dudes gotta have some shoulder support or built in arm guards etc#daredevil#you gotta have your hands wrapped my dude. what are you gonna day when matt Murdock has split knucklesm#dick grayson#he definitely has knee braces#robin#tim drake#bruce wayne#jason todd#marvel comics#they corner the market on icy hot
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If Harry’s tragedy is that he can’t go on like this but he has to, Kim’s tragedy is that he doesn’t have to go on like this but he will.
#disco elysium#Anyone about to write an essay on this wrt. Kim’s capacity for change: yes. That’s the problem.#Harry is stuck in the RCM because a lifetime of disability and a lack of outside support have rendered him unable to adapt#Kim is stuck in the RCM because hes too fucking adaptable. He copes too well with his adverse circumstances to recognise when he should dip#The cage is open the window is thrown wide he’s just built a nest in there and the cats don’t swat at it enough to make him want to leave#Anyway was thinking about this after someone posted about the no recruiting Kim ending. Sad for them! They need each other a little!#(Harry’s cage is also open but it’s suspended from a 60ft tree and he is a legless penguin)#(“You can just leave” onlookers call up to him “come down here. go hang out in the shack with the other flightless birds. It’ll be fine”)#(Not really accounting for how he’s supposed to get down there in the first place)
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Sooooo the last few days i’ve been seeing stars and suddenly i’m juggling 6 sorcerer boyfriends. Whats a polar bear to do?
Also this is my MC, 🍨✨ Sorbetes ✨🍨.
Context why my MC is a sentient polar bear.
The MC doesn't have a set appearance and then there was this dialogue. And the emotes are polar bear themed 😂😂😂 is also literally its own spoiler
#arcana twilight#arcana twilight Arcturus#arcana twilight Spica#arcana twilight Vega#arcana twilight Sirius#arcana twilight Alpheratz#arcana twlight Pollux#wow cant believe i’m actually drawing/playing something other than SDV#are you proud of me?#i was supposed to be playing reverse 1999 but likkkkeeee#i heard alpheratz and spica’s voice and it was game over#i spedrun the game in a week???? and the plot isnt done yet so i dont know what to do with my life anymore#The main story is pretty good?? I mean i wish that the MC would play a more active role???#i mean she started learning magic in a whole as new world#but i like i just want my MC to fight yknow aside from like rushing to someones aid#although she literally is meant to be a support character but like#if i cant fight with magic let me fight with my fists/sord#the game really shines with the side plots!!! I enjoyed the friendship building and the character relationships#hahahha catch me drawing some of them in the future#Sorbetes built like Alpheratz’s new favorite napping place#Spica is very disappointed somewhere#Also Sorbetes goes by they/them
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