#that i.. now have about 30+ hrs on
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i graduated ^__^
#it was so hectic last week omfg#and i still have papers to sort out from my old school#i already got my college applications sorted out#sorry for another needless milkyberryjsk life update#uhmm lately I've been either studying science or playing overwatch#guess who i picked up#that i.. now have about 30+ hrs on#(impossible guess)#yeah it's venture HAHAHAH#what do you think their favorite geological/paleo time period would be ??#theyd probably like the cambrian period Lol lots of interesting goobers there#for mesozoic i think theyd like the cretaceous period#Ok that got off track REALLY quickly#anyways#oh i'm almost done with bloodborne:) i just need to fight the rest of the optional bosses i have left before i continue w mergos wet nurse#i havee#amygala celestial emisarry and ebrietas left#I'll go with the slug ending .. i wanna fight all the bosses in my first run..!#i haven't been drawing that much.. mainly writing notes#but if i have it's mainly venture Lol#I'll think ab uploading those#not havinf posted art in a while makes me a bit anxious to do it again#a.talks
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i need to be framed for murder
#i have applied to like 30 jobs today with my new updated resume so the updating resume took like 2 hours and the job apps took like 3 hr so#i have suffered like immensely today like immeasurably#like fr#I need to be locked up i need to be in a prison#just don’t want to think about a job at all!!!! not even the one i have now!! im done !! im over it!!
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Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.
…why am I like this. Why are we like this.
#tiger’s roar#…but like. good god. someone being Actually Genuinely KIND and insisting they DO like my company and want my friendship#(and is arguably mutually attracted and THOSE feelings of mine and what I’m picking up from them just won’t DISPELL already)#just. really stirs the muck. gets at that emotional constipation in my brain’s grease trap#then having TWICE now having Activities Suggested and THIS Time in FRONT of people then like…never following through?#all but thinking aloud with planning to witnesses things that sound less like hanging out and more like a date#and then just…not doing it?#when the Reality is Apparently Too Busy?#us fighting earlier this year over quality time essentially#when all I want is to have like. maybe an hour or two once a week or once a month#to enjoy someone else’s company. get a fucking REPRIEVE from my life#that’s…that’s it? nothing grand. just have the time found where it can be without causing strain?#I’m actually NOT a romantic even when I have romantic feelings? they just make me yearn for basic contact all the more#I’ll always be ‘too platonic’ within a romantic relationship so no it’s never going to be an ‘expectation’#MAYBE the one with unrealistic expectations is the guy who watches romance films and struggles with AllorNothing thinking perhaps?#and…yeah. trying to not feel resentful of their time spent this summer with existing friends when apparently not working 20+ hrs a week#in addition to their own research and god knows what else#…because it feels like there’s no space for me. and probably never will be. and I have never been ‘cool’ a day in my life#sure I own it as an adult. especially a 30s adult.#but having people recognize me as kind and supportive and easy to talk to 1:1 (my group aqauaintance/casual friendships SUCK)#but. basically never getting to keep any of them as friends? quickly ditched? treated like a used bandaid?#it…gets to me alright? like I only exist as Catch/Treat/Release but for people#which sure. the friend I’m angry at HAS been frustrated about me deserving better. looks at me like I’m christmas.#and I’m now fairly close friends with their beloved sibling. and despite things having THE Worst Start Ever their family seems to trust me#…but…it’s just…think I deserve better? think I’m worthy of your esteem and respect? think I’m kind and approachable?#want me to feel safe and relaxed enough to be myself? then just…do better.#ask when I’m available to kill a few hours then…follow through on that. that’s it.#not all the time. and my ‘expectation’ is to always be either neglected or used and feeling jaded about it#just…a repreive. for both of us. that’s it.
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well i guess i can play bg3 now, assuming it finishes downloading sometime in the next 2 months
#personal#despite following many people who are very into it i still know absolutely nothing about what it's about#like i know the premise of the brain tadpoles but that's it#i definitely need to do something fun after the last few days of supervising peach#(update: after not eating or sleeping for 3 days she is now doing both! she's very hungry and very tired and im very relieved)#but also after the last 6 hrs of just non-stop downloading and installing things. windows is sooo bad for upgrading#all the dai dlc probably has another 20-30 mins left and then ive finished all the da games and also all my modding tools#i think im actually not bothered even transferring my old saves for the da games. i never go back once ive finished a playthrough#i guess the only thing is if i wanna play da2 before next playing dao and have to use a custom worldstate hm#the only other thing is that dao doesnt connect online anymore so i have no achievements or rewards for completing dlc#it wouldnt be too hard to find my user profile file on my old hard drive but i almost wanna start from scratch and see how long it takes#the thing with that tho is that it's probably the worst (or maybe best lmao) game to have my achievements reset#because it takes a minimum of 6 playthroughs to get all achievements (assuming you finish every game you start)#for da2 it's 3 (reach kirkwall with each class) and for dai it's 1#but dao has an achievement for each origin and even other than that there are achievements for filling each ability tree#(min 5 playthroughs of the base game or 3 with awakening) and all romances (4) and all endings (3 i think)#anyway. whatever i'll decide later. the only utility of achievements are the dlc ones that unlock items#huh this is a post about bg3 and i spend most of the time talking about da#anyway bg3 currently says 2 hrs remaining but that'll probably speed up once the dai dlc finishes. only have trespasser left#and whatever tf 'english voice over pack' is??
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#quarterly reminder that i work on my own - i usually have about 50 hours of listening time a week#these days the split us usually#20 hrs podcasts 30 hours Mike#but sometimes its .....50 hours Mike a week#anyone want to diagnose me now?
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ok just to like paint a picture so. today i woke up at 9 and went to my morning class (was a little bit late) then i got brunch and canceled therapy (was a whole Ordeal trust me..) for like an hour or over idk, then i went back home to work on this research paper & got some food from a local café, then i went to a meeting i had and then walked to my friends workplace and we walked back and then i kind of have just lazed around and im watching my friends show from 1-2. and then TMRW i have a thing early afternoon & a d+d session for like five hours until 10 pm basically and then im probably sleeping in bc of the whole 1-2 thing. And then tmrw i have basically nothing but i then have to call my family bc i havent in a while and i need to do all of my homework. so needless to say this has been a hell of a semester start
#nightmare.personal#There is a 2 week period in which i have an event every other day#so like when ppl talk about not really having freetime in college like#i spend a good amnt of time w my friends Like a lot of time but also. solo time ? very little#On mon & wed i have back to back 3 classes i wake up at like 8:30 w like tiny breaks in between so like#i have my big friend meal right after bc of the back to back ness (on wed i also get dinner later w other friend)#and then immediately after food i go to my friends dorm and we study for like whatever like basically the entire night bc it just-#-devolves eventually to socialization ?#And then tues thurs i have big gaps and later class starts BUT i also have been scheduling like office hrs#but those days r fine and a lot more solitary. and i get a super nice breakfast But like past that ?#idk. idk! i have so many fucking org things like i have shit on tues nights now 2 a month#and then my other thing and its like. Its all worth it but also fuck fuck fuck u know#so its been exhausting. fun but like. idk I need less shit on weekends i think#like i need to do work on sunday but also zero socialization
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#vent tw#bc this turned emo#i feel like ive said this a lot so just ignore me if im repeating myself#but ive been so exhausted lately its ruining my days :(#i literally sleep like 13+ hours a day if not more#sometimes im out for like 20 hours#typically its not straight its like. i’ll sleep for 4 hrs then wake up for 30 mins then sleep again#and then by then end of the day its like 7pm and ive just woke up. i hate it#its 5pm and i just woke up but like thats basically my entire day gone now#i just feel so tired all the time. like i cant do anything but sleep. my motivation is zero#i hate it i hate it i hate it. i feel dumb#ik im complaining about stuff that seems trivial bc like most people have real things to stress about. meanwhile im just sleeping my days#away. but i still hate it. i wish i could stay awake and see thru the day without sleeping through the majority of it. :(#health wise i’m terrified there’s something like legitimately wrong w me. i mean mental wise too#it’s just that i’m so resistant to change and VERY resistant to getting help for myself that nothing gets done#i’m sorry ik this is heavy i’m just frustrated 😭 i don’t have anyone to tell this to so i’ll tell this to you 🤸#kinda feels like i’m talking to a friend then. even if it’s just the tumblr void
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methinks i should make a ramble jar and start putting money in it bc. i lost like two hours of time rambling about something and now im in the aftermath like. dude..
#sigh. i do this every time#im not mad just disappointed#i am a little bit insecure about it but this too will pass#i guess it seems like a good thing to be passionate abt what you like but yk#two hrs..?#kinda just wish i were normal#yk#30 mins at most#it just sucks. i feel odd and weird#i dont mind the lost time persay#just kind of perception of me ig#i swear i have more interests than just the one#its just i really care about this one thing right now and i need to say it but also its kinda like mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn#talk about the weather!#idk!#i dont find it charmin about myself i find it insufferable#this too will pass..#im just being negative. and i cant exactly control it#once i start talking its gonna take shoving to get me to stop#and no one did#so maybe that means they dont mind or maybe they were being polite#idk but i shouldnt ruminate on it#if ppl found me annoying they'd stop talking to me right#i cant assume anything
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Oh actually I think some of my resentment towards my friend stems from the fact she addresses me as “hey girl” like 1. not a girl 2. if I told you that I would immediately be in serious danger seeing as you’re radically christian and we live in south dakota.
#she just called me and I didn’t answer because can I have ONE fucking day where no one calls me ????#and she left a voice mail and I heard hey girl and I shut it off. bro I’m literally a guy how haven’t you picked up on this yet#I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her problems right now like I can’t listen to her complain abt work and her roommate for 2 hrs#I want to finish totk and I want to finish ss and I want to replay Diamond and I want to finish my French play through of pla#and I want to play geoguessr and meeblings and I want to finish cleaning my house and I want to start knitting socks#and this was supposed to be a fun easy summer and then I picked literally the worst job in the world.#and I’m dealing with my own fucking mental problems and I’m trying to not just run away like I so desperately crave#and actually whatever it is she needs can probably wait until I’m not suicidal and reliving March 30th 2021 over and over again#but like I’m fine whatever. I have like no food to eat because I put all my money towards saving for a sword and a tattoo#so now I have 30 dollars until Thursday when I’ll get roughly#120 bucks after they take out a huge obnoxious amount for federal taxes#sorry I’m fine. it’s just it’s Sunday and I’m about to go into a week of waking up early and I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breath#diary post#time to play a game and try to chill out please can I just chill out a little
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since when does yt censor in auto captions?
#watching monster factory and eating chips while my rmt has her light off in her room. riveting stuff here#also hi sorry ive been mia for like 3 weeks ive been working like 30-40 hrs manual labor so im. very tired. just all the time#and dont have the energy for anything other than a couple likes/reblogs here and there but! i hope to be back this weekend or so idk#in the meantime my queue might run out but thats a problem i do not have the energy to care about right now so :)#anyway! happy holidays happy chewsday i love you and i hope youre doing well <3#talk tag
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i think if i dont get a new job soon i am going to kill myself
#like im making absolute dirt shit money i cant save up even w/ over time and ive been fucking my health into the ground#to the point where im on MEDS for STRESS to cure my fucking STOMACH PROBLEMS#like. i cant digest food bc of STRESS. that is fucking insane i make minimum wage#i just need a normal 9 to 5 with weekends off how does every other adult manage that do those even exist anymore#where are all these $20/hr jobs old people complain about i dont see them#like i cant go back to school bc its awful and people are awful but work is so much worse#the assistant manager came into my twitch chat to talk about work how did i even get in that situation.#why would anyone think thats acceptable or okay#why does a 40 y/o man think im his best friend kill me kill me right now i am in hell#every day is just so fucking uncomfortable and disgusting my customers are disgusting and creepy#i am a fucking 20 year old get the fuck away from me#why cant i just be like a bank teller or smth and make enough money to move out of this god forsaken state in like a year#i dont even have my own life i have so much stuff and never do anything with it bc im always working or tired from working#i dont think bank tellers have to deal with crackheads screaming at them and calling the police bc they cant login to google#or not having a work schedule for a month bc the district manager just cannot be bothered#i think its a great job for normal people that arent constantly too high off their ass to hold a conversation#definitely wont have the same problems i do now itd be new problems#like passive aggressive 30 y/o women drama#be a nice change of pace
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It bothers me when folks insist that there are literally no good reasons to surrender pets because it destroys their hearts. Like…. My dude…. That evil fuckin cat that slashed my literal eyeball should be surrendered. I found new homes for my three cats because I couldn’t take having multiple panic attacks triggered every single fucking day because they’ve got claws and I’ve got a new dose of fresh PTSD caused by that demon slashing my eye. I still can’t sleep well because of the nightmares about it. The pain and the blood and the temp blindness in that eye and the extreme fear. It’s been months. My life was fucking destroyed and my love of cats ripped from my soul. But I’m the villain? No. Needs drastically change sometimes and it sucks for everyone involved. It wasn’t good for me having cats around. It wasn’t good for my cats to have their only human destabilized and constantly rejecting their affection. They’ve got a new home where all three miraculously got to stay together and are dearly loved again as they deserve to be.
#this is goggles#he didn’t want to surrender her because nobody will adopt a black cat with hardcore behavioral issues that put someone in the ER#and she would likely be put down#yanno the way humans have been dealing with and selectively breeding their domestic animals for literal millennia#but he’s an asshole with behavioral issues himself and doesn’t give a flying fuck about others#lmfao one of his friends told me they think he should honestly be institutionalized for his myriad of out of control behavioral issues#he needs a parent more than a partner but he still continues to date and expect those he dates to baby him#but then is upset when people don’t want to deal with him because he acts like a literal spoiled child#his friends are growing fed up with his shit after seeing how he treated me and that’s so fucking funny to me#good honestly I hope he drives off everyone around him and is left with just himself#in his nasty piss and shit filled dirty laundry nest he calls a home#he reminds me so much of a guy I used to play D&D with who did the exact same shit and was mooching off his dad well into his 60s#and would throw pissbaby fits whenever he wasn’t the center of attention or if anyone told him off for acting like a child#still complains about how awful his two years of marriage 30 years prior were because his ex-wife would constantly nag him to clean up#I was so patient with my ex because I saw a lot of the ways my own behavior was influenced by AuDHD and fucked up and I actually fixed them#I fixed those flaws and now I live in a BH&G levels of clean home I’m on track for a good career#my life transformed while I was with him but his did not and now that I ain’t dealing with him the boons of my work are clear as day#and he’s mad he’s in his parents basement working his $12/hr weed job and getting nagged for being irresponsible and filthy#lmfao moron
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rayrard fic is so good and so special to me and there is so much love there but girl it is reminding me of my own crushing loneliness
#like. i want that i miss that ive had it one (1) time#my partner lives 4 hrs away abd i cant drive and i dont have a job so financing a trip makes me nervous and my family is always#fucking weird about me not being home and i dont know anyone irl so i dont even have like. friend intimacy#like my partner came down to visit in november and i think about it so much it makes my chest ache#waking up was easier when we were in the same bed. going out was easier when we did it together.#everything felt so much easier with living breathing proof that you are loved and you can love in return sitting right next to you.#had a moment in the hotel room like i want this forever. i want this life forever. i still do. i miss them so fucking much#sorry abt this post im emotional its 2:30 am and ive slept so litgle the past few nights cause of the horrors#gonna go to sleep now
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knowing I'm the one who has to make 100% of the effort in 100% of my familial relationships, I moved 2,000 miles away from then and still act shocked they haven't visited me at all
#my dad has actually never been to a single place ive lived as an adult fun fact#jeff and i lived in our state college apartment 3 hours away for 4 years and have lived in denver for 3 years#my dad has never once visited me in those 7 years#and never came to any of my college apartments in the 3 years prior#same with my cousin and aunt#my mom visited my state collegr apartment 3 times in 4 years (a 3 hr drive again)#and visited denver last summer and might come again in fall#but that's only 5 visits in 7 years...#and all of these people have the nerve to guilt me about not visiting more often#i would visit home like 6 times a year when i still lived in PA#and i go like twice a year now#so thats... 30 visits from me in the last 7 years#and i always have to squeeze all those people in and parents are divorced so there's always conflict#insane they all expect that of me and think i deserve nothing in return#which reminds me why i wanted to move so far away and feel less obligated to them#its not working >.<#i need to go to the mountains asap#t
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#happy valentines day... less happy start already and its only 7:30.#woke up alone bc husband just didnt want to lie in bed and cuddle. so thats great.#and i spent all day yesterday. literally 7 hrs baking and decorating a cake for him for today. his favorite.#and the only thing i wanted. and specifically told him this morning was 'i just want to see you cut it'#told him that. and he said 'okay im just gonna make coffe first' while i went to the bathroom. came out and he'd cut the cake.#idk why thay hurts so much. and why i started crying. it was just a simple request like id spent so much time on it#and he couldnt even be bothered to wait 2 minutes so i could see him cut into all the work id done and get to see the inaugural cut#yknow?? couldnt be bothered. couldnt be patient. 7hrs of work to the point i was in a ton of pain and exhausted yesterday from painstakingly#making sure it was perfect. and he couldnt hold out for 2 minutes while i peed.#and he tried to justify it by saying 'well i havent even picked it up yet?' not the point. i specifically said i wanted to see him cut it#idk. maybe im overreacting. now im laying in bed crying real quietly bc for some reason#im still really worried about ruining his valentines day and making him upset....#anyway. sorry. for some reason this hurt a lot and idk even know why. hope yall have a better start to your valentines day
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My uncle was sharing the fucking Facebook posts of "it's not happy holidays it's MERRY CHRISTMAS SHARE IF U AGREE" and the temptation to just rock up to family jesusmas and only say happy holidays this year is so so strong
#let it be known that i come by my pettiness honestly#there is a non zero chance that my mom is gonna ensure that one member of our family is missing from Christmas and all holidays#bc of drama that happened at Thanksgiving last month 😂#and there have also been other moments of pettiness also related to this side of family christmas#of my oma (step dads mom) asking my mom to tone it down with the gifts to the other grandkids bc she feels shown up#of which i believe my moms internal response and then what we talked about was essentially fuck u imma do it even more now#like my cousins dont care if oma gives them 20 and auntie gives them like 30 or 40 they just go sweet money#but oh man thanksgiving was just drama basically about getting a family picture together with everone bc#'this could be the last time were all together' which resulted in im assuming most of us going ok whos dying in like 3 months??#bc its not like anyone is on their deathbed currently and we all live close to eachother relatively farthest away is just under 2 hrs#and the grandparents are only in young 70s not like theyre 99 and holding on for dear life#like yeah sure accidents happen and people die thats just life but we tend not to bring that up when leaving a family gathering#and then a majority of us grandkids are old enough to look at eachother like 👀😶#im an adult and we got ages 12-16 sequentially for 6 out of 10 and then a like 10 8 5 and 3 make up the rest#anyways ill probably make sure to enunciate at least one happy holidays this year lol#me#my textposts#jesusmas#i think i actually have a tag for that
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