#and then my other thing and its like. Its all worth it but also fuck fuck fuck u know
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𝑀𝒪𝒪𝒩 𝒜𝒩𝒟 𝑀𝒜𝑅𝒮
my take on moon-mars synastry ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི
how does moon - mars synastry feel? ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི intensely emotionally reactive. the mars person can cause the moon person to feel defensive or cornered, which is something the moon hates due to its changeable nature and how the moon prefers to evade confrontation. but mars doesn’t evade - it gets active, and this can unnerve the more passive moon.
the moon person arouses sensitivity / feelings / vulnerability mars and can prod at the heart on the martian’s sleeve, as well as mirror aspects the mars person repressed (the moon rules over mirrors). all-in-all, it’s a connection where both the moon and mars person trigger themselves, and simultaneously, trigger each other.
it’s an aspect that’s often sexualized in relational astrology, but that’s not all there is to it. ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི it just so happens that sex is the times where we are at our most vulnerable. we all know mars to be a warrior, but the moon is a warrior too. mars is more offensive ,the moon is more defensive. but either way, they are both warriors. and sex is a case where they have no armor, no weapons. just feelings and flesh. this can make for great sex for sureee, but it can make for great challenges and heartbreak.
it’s like, “this person gets me. . . but man, they work my damn nerves.” ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི this connection can feel like cutting along ur sternum and pulling ur ribs open to expose ur still-beating heart. it can feel like the connection between predator and prey — where of course, depending on the overlay, either person can be the predator or prey. but it’s more so often that the moon person is subdued by the mars person.
the sex is good, though. ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི u can kind of get lost in pleasure. being triggered into primal, repressed states doesn’t have to be all bad. because it’s so emotionally reactive, and because these planets are so instinctual and animalistic and raw, u can find urself getting really freaked out by it! like . . . u almost lose ur sensibility because it’s spiritual how u become ur flesh when having moon-mars sex. and that’s why u gotta be careful not to lose ur sensibility bc at the end of the day, sometimes moon-mars sex get so impassioned that it’s dangerous ( like wanting to fuck rawww lmao )
it just can have some downfalls if ur not prepared for it. ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི the moon person can feel like they are neglected emotionally. they may feel cornered by the mars person, which triggers the moon person emotionally. the mars person may feel that the moon person rejects, misunderstands, or manipulates them. and this triggers the mars person emotionally, as both of these planets are emotional. so. . . there’s clashing. the moon person can also feel like they’re begging or pleading, and the mars person can feel like the moon person is excessively needy
but it’s not impossible. ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི u don’t have to pick either good sex or a healthy relationship. u can have both. there are some tips i recommend to bring ease, but this has to be willing on both sides. or else y’all will not last. straight up
establish a united goal for ur relationship. what do y’all want with each other? why are y’all together? what does peace look like for the both of y’all?
how do y’all achieve that? do y’all journal, do y’all promise to just have alone time when upset then talk about it later - how do we y’all about it?
discuss boundaries frequently and understand that it’s y’all vs the problem, not y’all vs each other! because mars can be a bit offensive and moon can be a bit defensive, it may feel like y’all being attacked by discussions but ur not. somebody who loves u will tell u when u upset them bc they see u as someone worth resolution
these things can also make it easier, tho ♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི
i. mutual reception
so moon in aries x mars in cancer or moon in scorpio x mars in cancer ~ at that point it’s a matter of picking ur poison. with aries moon & cancer mars, mars is fall and moon is a bit uncomfy but not as uncomfy as fall. but they square each other. with scorpio moon & cancer mars, both mars and moon are fall but they trine each other instead and moon has triplicity rulership
ii. easy aspects
sextile or trine aspects may cause more ease. even more so than a conjunction, where i feel like it’s too easy for the energy to become overwhelmed. (for example, if person A is an aries moon and person B is an aries mars, moon is already uncomfortable but person B is empowered by their mars being in domicile. so. . . person A may feel really weak and submissive)
sextile carries the nature of venus and trine carries the nature of jupiter. this brings a lot of comfort to an otherwise uncomfortable configuration
iii. benefic influence
moon-mars synastry is tense but if they have personal chart indications that they are someone who values harmony, peace, communication, unity, etc, then it’s promising that they’d be more understanding and willing to work on issues instead of being combative
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Want to ask how 🌙 will do or react when they caught reader enjoying themselves while moaning their name
How Loona reacts to you calling out their name
5-6-1 split, categorised by {F} and {M} respectively. Some of these use the idea more tangibly than others. This one was quite fun even though i dont think its up to the same quality as the others
Vivi {F}
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The gentle R&B music played from your phone, sat comfortably on the desk as your head was on laying on your pillow, hand rubbing in between your legs as you scurried away off to your thoughts. Imagining all the various not so innocent things you'd do with your best friend.
Vivi didnt quite know what to expect when she walked into your house, coming to deliver your laptop you somehow forgot for the 86th time. You didn't answer the door but she had free reign to enter so she did. Coming upstairs as she heard faint whimpers coming from your bedroom.
"Eugh! Fuck... right there Vivi!" Her ears perked up at the sudden mention of her name, pushing the handle as her jaw dropped. Her best friend greedily rubbing herself while calling out their name. Heat pooling between her thighs as she laid the laptop down on the desk.
"Y/N?" She called out, you turned to face her in utter shock, hand pulling the blanket over your exposed body. "Oh! Err, its not what it looks like!" You reasoned, her eyes furrowed. "It isn't? You weren't just calling out my name?" She teased, keeping her usual playful attitude as she started to leave. "Guess i'll just be going then..."
The words ripped out of your throat long before you had any hope in stopping them, "No! Please... help me out?" You begged. Vivi's lips curving into a smile as her hand ripped off the blanket exposing your legs. "Happily, my pretty girl looks so good.." She cooed, getting comfortably nestled into between your thighs as her head dipped down to your needy pussy "This is going to be a long night Y/N" she warned, taking the first taste of her best friends juices as you moaned out.
And oh god it was, not stopping until the birds of the dawn started to sing.
Yves {F}
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The hotel room laid dark as Yves and you sunk into the cheap bed, eyes closed as you desperately tried to get some shut-eye. But you couldn't, because of her.
Your mind racing with the thoughts of Yves, in various positions across the hotel. Bent over the bathroom sink, bent over the mini kitchen counter, bent over the bed, basically anywhere as long as she was at your mercy.
Your fingers got a bit too eager, slowly entering your body as you let out quiet whimpers. Unaware that the girl you were thinking of started to stir behind you. Listening to the squelching noises coming from across the room, slowly coming to reality when she heard a particularly loud noise "Mmmmph! Yves, you taste so good.." Your eyes shot opened when you realized how loud that was.
"Thinking about me Y/N?" Yves teased you, swapping beds as she sat on top of your chest, hand pushing your chin up to face you. "I can assure you I taste so much better than in your dreams Honey." The nickname made your heart flutter as her proximity made your face flush.
"Meet me in the bathroom, I can assure you it'll be worth it." She purred, and then she was gone.
You never ran so fast.
Jinsoul {M}
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Your dick laid rigid in your hand as you laid down on your bed, photo of your idol roommate Jinsoul in her DALL costumes. Stroking up and down as you scrolled through her pics, the way her tits popped against the fabric, the way she smiled gave your heart a flutter as you kept going.
Jinsoul decided to come into your room, curious if you would like to get lunch together when she was suddenly surprised. Her roommate aggressively jerking himself off, rasping her name as her face laid on his phone screen.
She's used to people finding her attractive, but its different when its someone she also found attractive. "Y/N, those pictures aren't going to do the job silly." She teased, taking off her shorts as she laid in front of you. Giving you a perfect view of her curvy ass "Here, see what the fans don't." You put your phone down as your hand rubbed her asscheek as u jerked off with your other hand to the body in front of you.
You didnt last much longer, painting Jinsoul's back (and a bit of her clothes, whoops!) a thick creamy mess as she got up "We could visit that new asian food place that opened up, or we could fuck and just eat leftovers... Your choice." She asked, acting like there wasn't a clear option.
You two ate leftover fried rice together after a strong night of fucking Jinsoul.
Haseul {F}
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Haseul slurped your juices from between your legs, tongue licking into your fleshy pink cunt as you grabbed her hair. How did you end up in this scenario? You moaned her name out for a joke, which immediately spurred her on. And under no circumstance would you turn down the Cho Haseul wanting to eat you out. Literally who would?
"Ugh, mommy keep going!" You whimpered, pulling her in as she brought you to the pinnacle of pleasure. Detonating on her tongue as your body flashed a warm red.
You said to yourself to not make that same mistake again, but you did it again and again, and it worked every time.
Kim Lip {M}
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Jungeun came home from her college class, expecting a warm welcome or hearing a youtube video from her roommate. But nothing, your shoes were there so she sought you out.
You were home, laying comfortably spread out as porn played in your headphones. Lube covered hand as you listened to the audio, blissfully unaware to the Jungeun who's walked in. Trying to get your attention, eyes fully closed as you moaned out "fucck Jungeun."
Her face went a beat red as she left the room, she didn't act upon it that night. But the next night, well lets just say you were seeing stars as she buried you inside her.
Heejin {F}
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Heejin, much like Kim Lip doesn't immediately act upon it after she hears you moan her name, instead she waits until you two go outside together to the shopping mall. Dragging you to the bathroom as you two start to make out against the wall of the bathroom stall.
"You were so whiny for me last night..." She purred, pressing her knee in between your legs as you gasped into her lips, fully swollen from the intense making out you two just did. "You are going to do that again for me right? Right here? Let everyone who walks in know who you belong to." Heejin's voice was overly sweet as her fingers found inside your panties, fingers playing with you as she started off slowly.
Lets just say that expedition was not the only time you two had some fun.
Chuu
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It's kinda a boring answer but i genuinely do not think Chuu would act upon it at all if she heard it, just move on and never mention it again.
maybe masturbate to the idea of walking in on you once or twice
Hyunjin {M}
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You were sat comfortably on the couch, a sudden burst of horniness took over you. Hand working the usual magic as the thoughts of Hyunjin entered your head, she's been gone for awhile so surely she won't be back before you finish up right?
Of course you were wrong, Hyunjin came in as she heard you moan "Hyunjin, hyunjin god hyunjin!" She rubbed your head as you opened your eyes in shock, "Hey Y/N." She said casually, sitting down next to you. "Give me a show will ya?"
You two faced each other, resuming your stroking as Hyunjin's hand started to find her own pleasure. Fingers violently slamming in and out of her pussy as she got off to you getting off, a shared release as you shot semen onto Hyunjin's legs.
Gowon {M}
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The queues of your video game was so atrociously long that you started absentmindedly jerking off, it happens. I guess.
Hand wrapping around your length as you thrusted into your palm, you couldn't hear what you were moaning, if you were moaning. Fortunately for you, Gowon could and she was right behind you.
A sudden tug of your headphones alerted you to her presence, "Moaning for me?" She asked as you nodded "Come to my bedroom, no offense but im not sitting on yours." She said, walking away.
Your tongue buried into Gowon's pussy, lapping up her essence as she gagged on your cock. Thrusting into her mouth as she moaned around your tip, neither of you lasted that much longer as you reached your high, shooting into her mouth as she came all over your face. Never to talk about this again.
Choerry {F}
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You get the memo by now, you're lying down on your bed, fingers firing in and out as Choerry walked in, she smiled at the sound of her name. "You want some help?" She asked casually, your head nodding pleadingly as she grabbed the strap-on she had in her bedroom.
She came back, wasting no time in getting inside of you as she gave you the pounding of the life. Breaking one of posts of your bed, causing it to be sunk slightly. But you wouldn't trade it for the world.
Hyeju + Yeojin {M}
Lets spice it up for the final one.
Your sat in your girlfriend's bed, blissfully unaware to the fact she's brought a friend over! Damn the luck. This isn't the first time you two have masturbated in each other's bedroom, you two kinda got off on it.
You moaned your girlfriends name, and suddenly you hear two voices. Both Hyeju and Yeojin, you could never have expected Yeojin to suddenly suggest you three have a threesome!
Hyeju's pussy gripped against you tightly eagerly taking your body as Yeojin's legs wrapped around her head, feverishly licking her slick up. Shared moans as you called both of their names this time, enjoying the sensations of Hyeju as you creamed her cunt.
You three had a small fling going on together after that.
#smut#male reader#imagines#kpop imagines#kpop x reader#kpop smut#girl group smut#kpop fanfiction#kpop fanfic#loona smut#vivi smut#gowon smut#jinsoul smut#yves smut#chuu smut#hyunjin smut#yeojin smut#hyeju smut#choerry smut#kim lip smut#heejin smut#haseul smut#loossemble smut#artms smut
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horrortale waterfall game broke me sorry (hey just like horror!)
#say it with me: average triglycercule art if i locked in#THERES NO FUCKING ART OF THIS CHAPTER YET IS EVERYONE JUST SLEEPING OR SOMETHING!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!#all the blue's supposed to be the light from the core after horror's eye was used to reactivate it btw#and (this was unintentional but anyways) the purpleish tone horror's clothes have is because he said that to aliza in the game#ohhhh my goddddddd....... how much is your life worth......... its worth so much but treated like its nothing#ACTUALLY not EVEN horror's life. just his body. screw the personhood in the first place#hey horror looks awfully similar to another black eyed and mouthed sans out there..... huh...... i wonder who.........#current horror saying that type of shit to past horror AS IF HES NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICER IN THE FUTURE#this was originally an excuse to draw horror with the new gray eye but then i decided against it smh.......#and also an excuse to draw blood. the ONLY thing i'm good at rendering#my inability to render is really prevalent here. only covered up by the composition and harsh lighting and lineart and whatever the fuck#anyways TRIGLYCERCULE ART???? IN THIS DAY AND AGE?????? when was the last one........... probably my birthday rain of dust art LMAO WHAAAAA#well that completes my shitty trio focused art. killer's bday dust's bday (although it was so ass) and now this! now they all have 1 piece#tricule art#horror sans#horrortale#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#my horror bias has really been showing these past few daus#but i mean........ I MEAN LIKE WHEN HES THE ONLY ONE THAT STILL GETS UPDATES OUT OF THE TRIO IM ALLOWED TO BE OVERJOYED#as the sole horror representative of mtt nation i gotta fucking carry all the other 3 supposed horror enjoyers on my back 😒😒😒😒😒😒😒#bad sanses#bad sans gang#nightmare's gan#eeaaughhhhh hes not part of the gang hes part of the trio...... get horror away from nightmares fugly ass.......euaaghhhhh#but whatever. im so excited for this art to be locked in the Five Note Banger Jail!#IF YOU READ THESE TAGS THIS IS YOUR SIGN TO PLAY THE WATERFALL GAME OR REREAD THE HORRORTALE COMIC 🫵🫵🫵‼️‼️‼️‼️👿👿👿👿👿
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Wait wait wait, I saw in your tags that's Time and Time Again is ending soon? But I've only just found it! (through the animation you did, it and your comic are so well done)
Ah, yeah.
So by "soon" I really mean "sooner than I think I would like" and it feels much sooner to me as the writer than I think it will to you all as the readers.
But, Time and Time Again is pretty much exactly 2/3 of the way through right now. Webtoon gave me the end date before I even finished my first season, and I've been trying to fit in all the things I wanted to get into the story before it ends...
It's why my hiatus has been taking so long, I'm trying to write to get as many moments and as much development as I possibly can, with really limited time! And... also admittedly to prolong how much longer it's sort of "around" in my life.
Because I know once it is over, I'll move on to the next comic! and 3 years just doesn't feel long enough to have Adam and Steve in my life haha
But, yeah. it's getting "close" in a way that it's starting to make me sad. like this time next year it'll probably be over.
It's okay of course, it's the nature of stories that they will end. I'm working really hard to make it satisfying despite Everything, and I'm really proud of everything I've done so far.
And my next comic will be even better for what I've learned here!
So, sorry to everyone, but I promise I'm gonna make it worth it.
#also my next comic I think I'm not going to do with webtoon#it is a massive massive risk#and I will seriously need people's like. actual monetary support to do it#which feels bad because I like making comics for free#ITS GONNA BE FREE TO READ#I just mean like having pressure on my audience to pay me to keep my comics going#but it's sorta just the unfortunate reality of things that like#I'm working for webtoon because they pay me#they don't do anything else for me really#if anything they sorta bring me down HAHAHAH#not. that's a whole other rant but. it's fine it's a work relationship. with a corporation.#BUT YEAH#I've really enjoyed getting to make a comic and put it out there for free and not need to beg people to support me to create it#that's been an absolute dream#but to continue that dream to deliver stories to people on THEIR terms#where the comic doesnt get ended too early#and I dont have to put my foot down to include trans characters#and all that shit#I think if it works. it will be worth it#but FUCK it is a huge risk HAHAHAHAHAHAH#pre-emptively asking you guys to be prepared for that future hahahahahahaha#asks#key-the-kitty
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winston my quant of billions
#''😒''#corned beef#winston billions#& green of all things; drew it in purpley pink & being like whoa hey is this too much deliberately breaking out this Rare Coloring#minty fresh....been funny to be rotating the villainy of; let's say; bsol & xmas & then thinking about billions' whole other world there#& its completely different take where of all things winston is like. treated as a villain in a way its sicko My God central men aren't#(who are also quite different from iconis villains but yknow with the very fundamental differences in general what else is a surprise)#axe? prince? alive & well & billions does mean to be commenting on that like yeah sure#but winston? gotta be humiliated & violated & attacked / killed (if figuratively + just by assumption Oh He's Fiiine)#as well as basically truly dead to everyone but in a Never Existed / Spontaneously Shunned way. nobody thinks about him ever again#including when non wretched central men characters are getting these silver linings Benefits from their sabotaging a central man#not winston though maybe; the writing has forgotten him / sees no worth in bringing him up unless At His Expense; not gain#didn't get background randos telling prince or the like to go fuck himself at any point. open contempt reserved for winston there#better to have Objective Entitlement to power over / access to people & then; hey what the; be an asshole about it???#than to not just Have that entitlement & not expect it & not try to use it & be friendly & minding your own business as much or more than#any other characters like good lord what a Loser. the queerness & disability of this inferiority? just some jokes (at winston's expense)#& we will be killing him like nobody even considers for central men takedowns. those are polite & we all have Some regret it came to this#better to abuse people than. be so unepic (different from Normal white cishet 50some men who love certain media)#& on that note you're never gonna guess what's Good to do to the unepic people who bring it upon themselves....yeah haha. abuse#you're never gonna guess but power difference is a given & also good if an epic person has that power. & on that note#what can they do with it but keep unepic people in their place? what other hope do we have? winston may try to say a pun. or speak at all :#anyway while there's the absolute joys of Any Good Bastard over in a wildly different oeuvre it's like well yknow#while winston is already Ruining Things as more a Wretched Sicko Evil Asshole for seeing himself as a person & others as people#instead of himself as an inferior who has to apologize for existing & initiating any interaction vs only ever doing as he's told#unlike the best heroes who know they're superior & will use others & mess with their lives however they feel is justified; you're welcome#like well if winston's such an exceptional dick(tm) around here that he has to be introduced w/discussion / explanation around this#great let him be even bitchier & more ''difficult''....& billions would never & that's why [sorry to all the characters trapped in there]#the slightest glimpses of like & The Quasirival Weirdo Duos Are Kinda Being Cunts b/w usual parallels riawin & taylip#what comes of that? oh nothing. but as ever these are at least glimpses of a little more liveliness & range for making room for this a sec#anyway imagine getting so niche that your other kinda just as niche thing is like. less niche. but not really. wheee yayyy fr lol My Whimsy
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rip in honor of an anon who asked me to have ravenstan and jerseykyle write them something cute ( smh jk )
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this never fails to be funny to me
#i am shit posting but at least i am free if i could do cursive this would be so good bc u know jks cursive is so beautiful#and so scary i would kms#also jks teacher handwriting and ravenstans lopsided lefthanded scribble scrabble ( not him spelling it wrong ) god bless you baby#why do the handwriting posts amuse me so much#u know when they leave each other notes it’s so funny#rip all my lost anons#i loved u so bad#CHOKE!#not ravenstan being so lovely and jersekyle being NASTY#LIKE YOU ARE IN TIME OUT#GO RIGHT NOW#like i could tell him to do anything#just kidding bestie do whatever u want#HOPE THAT HELPS!#HTH IS THE NEW HOPE YOU HEAL#I AM IN PAAAAAAIN#EVIL EVIL MAN#sorry they both kinda look like me...trying to write in two different handwriting styles is...uh harder than it looks#but ravenstan only writes in captial letters and texts in lower case letters and its basically illegible but very enthusiastic#and he draws cute things and is so so so nice and wonderful#and jerseykyle is only formal and MEAN and horrible#jfc ravenstan really Does have rockstarboy starpower handwring like its messy as fuck but you can tell he loves you so much#ly goodboy badboy king ur my hero and jerseykyle one chance u would kick me in the face and kick me out the fire escape#but it would be worth it ( he wont let u kiss him above the collar bone tho so thats an L and if u leave a mark he will kill u )#*me thinking abt jk kissing rs on the cheek after their hate and slamming the door hsadklhas* EEEW LIKE WE GET IT! UR GAY#ITS NOT PRIDE MONTH PACK IT UP HOMOS EEEEEeWWW
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stop a/starion has a BRAND NEW SIM AVAILABLE ON MODTHESIMS FOR THE SI/MS 2
#for those unaware E/A decided that we suffered enough and let us buy reformatted editions of og si/ms and si/ms 2#which for bitches like me who STILL prefers ts2's gameplay over t/s3 and 4's gameplay (but likes a lot of the other#parts of those two more like the added diversity and everything which t/s2 does lack bc it was last updated in 2008)#in t/s2 it was still clearly a passion project whereas in t/s3 like halfway through the packs you could tell they stopped caring#t/s3 still had the storyline element tho that t/s4 just doesnt#but t/s2's lore is so!!!#the s/ims r/esource has once again proven itself a disappointment bc ppl last made content in like 2013 which is like still good for a game#again last updated in 2008 but yknow#and then made impossible to play so E/A released the whole collection for free after breaking the original buy and now even that doesnt wor#i had to reprogram the entire game last time i tried playing it which is why the price of the not even really a remaster#all they did was update the gameplay so it works on modern pcs (mostly)#which is worth it to me bc im not a great programmer and do not have the time to reprogram a game for three days to play it#and it was my favorite it honestly still is my favorite thing in the world is#playing v/eronaville and ruining shakespeare by making r/omeo and t/ybalt enemies to l/overs and having j/uliet take revenge w m/ercutio#only to get w p/uck its a whole thing but anyways im im so happy at least the m/od the s/ims community never abandoned me#bc t/sr certainly tf did. tumbs seems to have quite a bit of cc too which is so!!!#when my harddrive w all my old gifs and stuff broke i also lost all the CC i made all my meshes and everything#and unfortunately they did not bring body shop back like i wanted i doubt they will so i do not know how to make meshes without it#making custom sims is gonna be a fucking bitch without it actually bc bodyshop is my favorite thing its way way better than ts4's maker#i ust im so happy. also annoyed by the lack of body shop but so happy. i know a lot of ppl are pissed they're charging for it but its worth#it to me. and people are making si/ms 2 machinima again which is also a favorite thing. most of the old ones do NOT hold up anymore#anyways how do i bully E/A into bringing back b/ody s/hop i'll even pay for it at this point make it work for all four games#or at least 2-4 like#i honestly dont play 3 much im a 2 girlie and have been w 4 off and on bc i love it but the lacking is so clear as#someone whos been there since the start yknow but#asidjiasdifbeiadpisadhasidhasipdaspodhifoeajcapsdjsa#out.
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it was so stupidly difficult to find any nutritionist who has experience with arfid & takes insurance so after having to go through all these referrals my therapist sent me & jumping through hoops I lowkey hate the lady lmao feels like such a waste of time & energy
#its only our third time meeting but its so beyond fucking frustrating to feel like we spent the whole hour going in circles & lowkey arguing#& like she never actually listened to any of the things ive told her. like the ENTIRW REASON i told her i was seeking extra help after#dealing w arfid type noncense all my life was 'achieving goal x is always kind of tough but im trying to do it while also achieving goal y &#im struggling with finding a way to balance the two things' like thats IT & then as shes suggesting things to try im like idk of those are#worth the effort bcus they conflict w goal y & shes like. have you considered not worrying about that so you can focus on x?#like NO bcus thats what i was previoislt doing & it doesnt fucking work for me! & she was just not understanding what i meant by adding#variety or having 'better options' shes all like. ok but even if this new thing conflicts with goal y it can just be another option for you#like thats not the POINT i already have enough options i can switch between that conflict with that like the whole point is i need to fill#the gaps w things that are nutritionally different. like if im ok with something thatll use up a significant portion of ny daily values of#shit then i already have multiple options that i actively like well enough i dont wanna waste my time adding more that are things i think#are just ok but take more work. literally whats the point of that#& im like i think rather than me just thinking of random shit i think i could try itd be helpful if I could like get some guidance on like#what are some things that fall into somewhere into this category or this adjacent category while also not being this other thing & then i#cab like determine from there what i already like & can try & add more of & things from that list that sound like sth i can try#& shes like well idk theres a lot of foods out there. YEAH ABD ISNT IT YOUR FUCKING JOB TO KNOW ABOUT FOOD? like i gave fairly specific#parameters this isnt like a 'list every food on earth' type of question what am i even paying you for if you cant come up with a list#like that. & she jept getting hung up on like well lots of things that are the most calorically dense are gonna be like that like ok it#doesnt have to be the MOST dense maybe think about it like 'the densest things in this other category' which sounded straightforward to me#but she was just like continuing to argue & also like getting hung up on reminding me that everything is dependent on portions like#I FUCKING KNOW?? like if a serving of something is like 10% of my dv id rather find something where a serving is 5% etc. idk how thats like#a hard concept like whats the point of adding something to be like oh sure ill have a third of a serving & get 50 extra calories out of it#be so fr rn im so beyond frustrated still even tho its been hours since i talked to her this is more stressful & annoying than the stress of#just trying to figure shit out on my own i fucking hate having to try & re explain nyaelf ivee & over & have someone just talk over me &#fail to understand what im getting at. im one more shitty session away from quitting & just resigining myself to 70% liquid diet#anyways#texticles
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Idk why i never feel like im allowed to think about my future. Probs a little depression thing but idk.
#part of me is like. its hopeless. and the other part of me is like. its not worth thinking about just chill#so im just kinda. idk. unmotivated#i have no goals#i dont want to be a successful artist i dont think i can travel with renfest without losing my cats and jonny#theyre my whole world. being away from them for two months is the most terrifying part of all that#i just feel like. idk. i know i'll figure out the point of it all eventually. i have faith things will fall into place#but i also know i have to work towards . something. anything#i dont want anything but people to devote myself to. its odd. why am i like this#how come when my thoughts stray and i think about my future all i ever want is someone to be there#i dont want a career or a big nice house or any of that i just want someone around#okay maybeeee i also want a nice house#maybe its animal brain. maybe the only dream i need is a pretty decorated cozy house and my arms around someones shoulders#not in a trad wife way .#i dont fucking want kids .#cats are okay#i wish i didnt live in capitalism
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yeah ok so I caved. Lit up another bowl, opened a new folder on my Obsidian vault, and I'm gonna rewatch the minecraft diaries and I'm going to take detailed notes on everything plot related I can, separated episode by episode, make observations, and then create a little personal wikipedia of my interpretations of the characters as they appear on the show.
I just did episode one to do what is essentially a "am I capable of watching this" test (I feared since it was 2016 youtube that I was into in the year 2016, a historically terrible year for me, that I would have some HEAVILY BIASED ideas on the quality of this show, and that if I rewatched I would ruin it for myself) and I honestly didn't have too hard of a time with the youtube of it all. Cringe is and has been dead, and I'm looking at this like a fun little excercise in studying how this piece of media tells the story it tells.
Speaking of, I find it so interesting how the machinima of Zenix and Garroth kicks us off and we then have Aphmau speaking as like... a comentary youtuber. The machinima sets up a plot that isn't even hinted more at in the episode, too, but I can see the first 10 or whatever episodes having all been recorded in 1 batch all at once and then cut up. I don't recall how characterized Aphmau gets in this whole thing.
And also I find Aphmau doing the voices for Garroth and Zenix so unironically fun and endears me to the series. Idk why but it made me smile!
I'll probably liveblog more of this experience bc I'm incapable of keeping my mouth shut.
#mcd#minecraft diaries#jeremiahs mcd notes#yeah sure#thats a tag now#ill keep track of it#fuck it#lmfao cringe is dead and i need something to do this summer other than fucking work#and also im like kinda studying this in an academic way so im just gonna ride this one out boys#If this becomes a video essay I make someday I called it now ok#I have always deeply desired to be a video essayist in theory but never felt like there was anything i cared enough about#or felt like id be unique enough in studying to discuss#like i love the works of hbomberguy who makes video essays on pretty specific topics#making new original observations#and i felt like i wouldnt be able to do that for anything “worth” covering#but this was a huge social phenomenon that i was part of that i loved#and now we're all grown up#those kids that watched along#and now some of us really like to study the impacts and implications of art created in social/public spaces#like youtube series#listen dude I am obsessed with the dsmp as a social phenomenon#not particularly the content involved as much bc i just don't really like the style of creators#but the way it came about and evolved was so very interesting to me as somebody who likes to analyze the contexts#social historical political etc#of any given media i consume or that gets popular#here i am also interested in the content bc of my childhood love for it#and my inherent nostalgia#but i also am fascinated in the way the youtube space effected the growth of this series#its a whole thing guys#and i would love to document this set of factors that fascinate me in a really long fucking vieo
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neurotypicals are so frustrating,, i keep forgetting that "can you do x" means "go do x"
#yesterday i was At Work#i opened alone (we are so fucking understaffed)#at like 945 (coworker came in at 10) these two women-#who until now have done NOTHING managery. they have walked around and talked to each other and asked questions#come up and in a pissy voice like um why hasn't group started#i say i'm the only one back here#'well can't you start ONE group?'#no...im the only one back here#'can you start individuals?' yeah i'll ask [host lead]#(annoyed voice) 'um why do you have to ask her?' because i'm not a lead so she's in charge?#(angry voice) well WE are GENERAL MANAGERS and we are TELLING YOU to do SOMETHING like START INDIVIDUALS#like. chill i am literally just some guy and i am the only guy back here#i also feel its worth noting that apparently since they caught me in the hallway they assumed i hadn't been doing anything#when in reality i hadnt sat down since i got to work. all i did was doing things. there is more to my job than Watch Dogs. especially when#im the only guy doing any of the anything#and i couldnt start individuals immediately because i had to do spot cleans. because i prioritized Not Letting Dogs Sit In Their Own Shit#before dog getting some playtime#like. yes i am a Lower Level Employee. yes i havent worked here that long. but i have worked here longer than you#and im gonna take a wild guess that i care about the dogs more than you#also worth noting that i got no breaks that day (if you work a 6+ hour shift you get a 30 and a 15 at my work)#so i sat down for a total of 5 minutes and that was to take a piss#for context. i worked 7 hours. 6:15am to 1:15pm.#so i have a Bad Feeling about these new general managers. really hope im wrong and this is a one-off thing but. ohhhhh boy
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Feeling very "fitz-core" right now (spiraling)
#i have to rethink my entire life#a mix of 'everything is going great u are overthinking it' and 'if you dont change everything about yourself right now you are going to die'#i need to get my shit together this week cuz i have a month to finish 4 group projects before classes start again#and i have to lock in with my susbtack#<- the source of all my joy and anxiety lately#if anyone is wondering someone i follow on susbtack made a post about how if you have two separate niches you have to focus on only one#or you are going to be a failure#and im sure its not About Me but like#i have interacted with this person and we have some intersecting topics#and i think its at least partially about me#which is like??? ok fuck off???#for added context this guy is doing like a big collab thing with other authors and i participated#so i know he knows who i am alright its not a weird parasocial thing#just saying. im probably at least one of the people hes talking about#and this is something that does worry me like i do want to make money off substack thats the goal#but i feel like its too late to be like. ok i wont do any more fantasy stuff cuz now my niche is anime#or viceversa#and id say my substack isnt even two separate niches (fantasy and anime) its like Everything Together#i should die#fitz save me. save me fitz!!!!#also i think im just doing Too Much like maybe i should post less on susbtack but then its like well i need to make it worth it to subscribe#idk man
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oh freckle, freckle⠁.. what makes you so s p e c i a l?
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH#IM SORRY THIS SONG DOES SO MANY BAD THINGS TO ME#other than the metal style cover / weezers sweet dreams r made of these / poppunk dancing queen this is THERMBADBIHTHEMESONG#THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS IS THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SONG BITCH#like OH FRECKLE FRECKLE WHAT MAKES U SO SPECIAL#HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO#MY HEARTS IN HEAVEN MY SOLES ARE HEEEEEELLLLL LETS ME IN THE PURAGATORY OF MY HIPPPPPPPPPPPPPS#AND GET WELL ;)))))))#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HYYYYYYYHHHH BITCH#I KNOW THIS WAS A SPICY GREENHOUSE MAKEOUT SONG I AM SCREAMING VERY LOUD IN MY HEAD RN#*jerseykyle vc* i'm gonna ( leave you ) I'm Gonna TEACH you#HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL NOOOOOO#IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII KNOOOOOOOOOOOO IT WAS GOING *NEW PERSPECTIVE VC* DOOOOOOOOWN DOWN DOooOOWWN#ALSO WAITER ARTIST MODEL SINGER IS LITERALLY CDS WHOLE EXPERIENCE TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS#SPECIFICALLY RAVENSTAN GOING FROM WAITERING AT CHEFS RESTURANT TO COCKTAIL WAITERING AT RUFFIANS#MAKING MUSIC ON THE SIDE AND BASICALLY BEING A SOLD OUT TO THAT WHOLE CLUB AND BEING PUNK ROCK#~SUPERMODELITBOY~ AND ET TENS WHOLE BRAND AND HIS LIL PLAYTHING AND BEING A SINGER BUT...GOD...WAS IT WORTH IT????? WAS. IT. WORTH. IT.#DONT TALK TO ME HIS ENTIRE CHARACTER ARC MAKES ME MISERABLE HE JUST WANTED TO SING#AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! YOURE RAVEN YOURE NO ONES DAUGHTER MIDNIGHT SUN BUT YOUR WINGS ARE STILL CLIPPED; YOU CANT FLY#YOU SING BUT IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS! COVER BOY ON THE PAGE! A PACIFIST AND ALL THE RAGE!! ALL THE WORLDS A STAGE#BUT GOLD OR NOT; AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS JUST A CAGE PRETTY BIRD - AND YOU BUILT IT YOURSELF BABY!!! YOU! BUILT! IT! YOURSELF! BARS BItcH#thats my son My Son mY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOON it also has such a sexcC nitelub jerseykyle back beat hEEEEELLLO#i could talk about this for such a long time i LOVE this song#*jk having going crazy but divine intervention on his bathroom floor after a bad stan episode and ed episode head on toliet vc*#MAMA? IF WE DONT TAKE THE MEDICATION...WE WONT SLEEP FOR DAYS? MAMA...IF WE PRAY TO THE LORD#DOES HE SING ON STAGE?????? oOOOOOOOOOOUGH IM SICK AND I KNOW HES SEEING STARS AND SMILES AND PRETTY EYES AND UGLY LAUGHES#AND A BOY HE HASNT SEEN IN YEARS BUT HE SEES EVERYDAY OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH IM SICK#I WANT TO BE GOLDEN IN YOUR MEMORY!!!!!!!! SIIIIIIIICK!!! SICK AND FUCKING TWISTED!!!!! SHUT UP AAAAAaAAAAaA#IM IN HELL jk swirling his drink trying to look uninterested *after party fb vc* watching rstan work the room like#oh freckle freckle what makes You so special? and then raven waves and winks at him and trips bc hes an idiot and jk is like AAAAAA SIIIIIC
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group project partner (derogatory)
#rambles#it's so cool the prof gave us an extended deadline to respond to online discussion questions#and then i (who already did all of the thing by the original deadline but now we had new questions bc of the new deadline) asked the others#not learning my goddamn lesson that i can't trust any of these (deep breath) CLOWNS#“i can take a look later” 12 hours later. “oh i forgot but it looks like you did it” ITS MIDNIGHT#is it worth sending a strongly worded email about this to my professor. is it. is it#today during class he called out our group like “by the way did you ALL contribute to this project? including This Person?”#and i had to sit there and grit my teeth like “oh they contributed to the presentation.”#as in they showed up to rehearse and did fucking nothing else.#also why did he do that in front of the whole class? hello??#you can't email me for the details like. most people? christ#whatever. im deliverin gifts for all the profs anyways i'll stop by his office hours and lay out all the tea if im feeling vengeful
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finally reading dance of days (thank you ohiolink and oberlin college <3) but my most consistent takeaway thus far. is oh my god. people who think punk is primarily ideological and not subcultural/musical. are so out of touch.
#three thought threads excuse it but okay.#first as much as dc punk was not political for much of its history (revolution summer/positive force nonwithstanding im talking oldschool)#i do think the structure of diy and creating an alternative subculture economy is more radical than. making an antireagan song lmao.#even if i think the result was a bit of a failure. the intention was significant! imagine a world where artists do not have to contort#themselves to majors and can be supported by an alternate network of payment and such. would be nice if the arbitrary ideas#of like 5 dollar shows and zero pr and not fighting for what your worth didnt infest that ideology but whateves#okay then also. what the fuck how did i not know the bad brains homophobia was that bad. anyway.#third thread. hilarious that dc punks were.. hesitant to work with positive force bc of its association with revolutionary communist party#lol lmao even. now that im sufficently deep into these tags i can say what all this made me think of which is that#oh my god mcr is a punk band. well theyre more than a punk band but they unequivically came up in punk. they are based in punk. their first#lbum is a posthardcore record without question. in the context of punk as a MUSICAL SUBGENRE mcr is under that umbrella#more than they are Most Other Things#mcr is punk in the outsider-opposition sense which was as defined as some poltics were for a lot of early bands#and shit like black flag which my chem drew on was not textually very political at all it was a subcultural thing#equal opposite force to The Establishment. charting your own path even if it meant fighting for it#obv though black parade barely qualifies as a punk record it was an evolution for them#(and a really interesting zigzag since many of its influences are 70s rock- the very thing og punk was reacting against!#but which now represented a past oldschool rocknroll (esp with glam))#anyyyway#my posts
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the difficulty of trying 2 explain to ppl that im Not being self deprecating or belittling my mental illnesses when i say something that could be perceived as overly critical towards myself but that thise things actually r true abt me. ppl did die.
#i wrote a whole post trying to explain and then i realized it judt wasnt particularly worth it so i out it in the drafts. so i wrote for#like 20 minutes and all i got is soooo insanely dissociated . can we kill connor im sick of this fucking guy#idk. i wish often incould just project my brain on a wall or sometjing abd ppl would get it and i wouldnt have to explain it#bc everytjing i say even when it sounds crazy or it sounds oike im habing a breakdown its like. its how it actually is its the truth but#nobody ever fucking understands bc i cant. word it in a way that makes it make sense to people#like my most prominent 'delusion' i cant fucking explain it to people bc theyre like Woah thats rly rly rly concerning and sounds like its#rly harmful for yourself to believe that but it literally isnt I have to believe it bc its one of the only things that actually is keeping#me alive but if i ever fucking talk abt it nobody understands it#sometimes it is very scary and it makes me miserable that its true but i know that it is true. ive woken up in terror crying abt it Multiple#times but ik that its true and its a good thing its true bc it means i am alive roght now. as alive as i always am at least#but wtvr. the post wasnt even originally abt that#it was abt dropout stuff and like. yk. bc when i say I dropped out bc i was lazy and whiny ppl think im being mean 2 myself and erasing like#the depression and the ptsd and the Identity shit and the dissociation and the panic attacks and the seizures and grief and stuff#but its like. yes all that also was going on but i also was just lazy. if i wasnt lazy i couldve judt fucking graduated and i wouldnt be#trapped now#<- That is only true for me . ik thats like a stupid thing to say but this is why i cant rlt Be honest abt how i feel abt myself dropping#out is bc i get horrific fucking guilt bc i Was judt lazy and fucking stupid and i Am a bad person for not graduating hs#but that is not true for other dropouts for other dropouts deopping out doesnt mean youre dumb or lazy and it doesnt make you a bad person#but its different for me ik everybody thinks theyre the exception but i am i Am just lazy i am just stupid and its my fault. specifically.#idk i need to go lke slam my head into a wall.#idk what happened i wasnt fucking doing bad and then i made like. a loghthearted post abt sometjing and derailed in the tags and now its#oh i remembered. i tried to sign up for a ged class and encountered 1 obstacle and fucking gave up . God. i loterally havent changed at all#we neeedddd to get rid of connor or at least get a bew one in so fucking sick of being rhe one im so sick of being Connor i dont want it#anymore . head on pike#idk. im fine. im just habing a momey. im.probably judt pissy bc i didnt sleep. maybe ill take an edible
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