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eringobragh420 · 4 months ago

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🖤 Pairing: Damian Priest x f!Reader 🖤 Summary: Damian and his girlfriend disturb the peace. 🛑 Warnings: NSFW. Fingering, oral (m and f receiving), dirty talk, rough, unprotected p in v, mild pain play, cum. 18+ 🖤 Notes: Spanish translations are at the end of the story. I do not speak Spanish, so if anything is incorrect, please let me know and I’ll fix it! 🖤 Taglist: @eddiesrockstargirlfriend, @terrortwinunicorn. If you’d like to be added, please click here! 🖤 Requested By: @danithepenguin05-blog. Hope you enjoy! 🖤 MASTERLIST

“You know, I’ve been watching you all night …” She jumps at the voice coming from behind her, smiling when she can feel his warm breath ghost across her neck and bare shoulder. “And I think I’m gonna fuck you in that dress.”

Her grin widens, brow arching. “You might wanna be careful,” she advises, “my boyfriend is a big dude, and he gets really jealous.” She turns around, eyes climbing to meet the pair gazing down at her.

“Is he bigger than me?” Damian growls, puffing his chest out as much as he can in the confines of a button-down shirt, vest, and suit jacket, somehow making himself seem even taller than his normal six-five.

“Oh, damn,” she purrs, closing the space between them. “You’re way bigger. Let’s get out of here.”

“And fuck you in that dress?” Damian repeats, eyes sliding down the garment in question—a deep purple ruched midi-dress with one sleeve and an asymmetrical hem that hugs every one of her curves, even ones she didn’t know she had but was excited to find just the same. His hands claim her hips, sliding back to her ass, possessive in his Priestly way, and she beams up at him. Her hands glide up his chest, straightening the tie she’d had to tie for him before clutching at the lapels. She inhales his cologne and body wash and the scent that is simply Damian, and her heart flutters, pussy dampening at the same time. The control he has over her should be studied by science.

“And fuck me in this dress,” she whispers, pulling him into a kiss that starts as a peck, but when she tries to pull away, his long arms wrap themselves around her. She giggles against his lips, her own arms snaking round his neck only when he bends his knees and comes closer to her height.

“We better get going,” Damian mumbles. He leans sideways and glances down at her silver heels—the ones that have diamond-encrusted bows on the toes, the excess of which provocatively climb her calves. “Because I think I wanna fuck you in those heels, too, and I know you’re not gonna last much longer before you whip out the chanclas.”

She throws her head back with a laugh. “Well in that case … Priest, you big stud. Take me to bed or lose me forever.” She’s given universal consent with a quote from their favorite movie to watch together, and the change in her boyfriend’s demeanor is palpable.

Damian releases her only to drop his arm around her shoulders, and she reaches up to interlace their fingers. She’s smiling up at him, adoring, as she usually does, when she notices the Three Stooges headed their way, all of them leaning on each other, none of them able to walk in a straight line. They stumble over JD, who is passed out with his head on a plate of salad. Damian glances down at her, shaking his head, and she takes the hint, averting her gaze in the opposite direction. Together, they pick up their pace.

“Guys, wait!” Dom hollers behind them.

“Nope,” Damian grumbles so only she can hear, and they continue on.

“Don’t leave us hangin’!” Finn slurs.

The couple continues on, waving goodbyes to friends in passing, blissfully, though not really, ignorant to the whining that seems to be following them.

“Besties,” Rhea cajoles, then exclaims, “oh, shit!” just before a stomp, a thud, and three dummies giggling. Damian and his girlfriend slow to a stop and look at each other.

“There’s like a 70 percent chance they’ll die if we leave them here,” she says.

Damian rolls his eyes, nods, and turns to their friends, waving his arm for them to hurry up. And once they arrive at the rental SUV, Damian stuffs all three of his inebriated friends into the backseat, slamming the door in Dom’s face when he asks if they can stop for chicken tenders on the way to the hotel. Rolling his neck, he straightens his suit before turning to his girlfriend, who’s patiently waiting near the front passenger door. He opens it for her, taking her hand and helping her inside before closing the door and making his way around to the driver’s side.

“No, but seriously,” Dom says, poking his face between the front seats. She glances at him, his cheeks rosy from the alcohol, and then she looks at Damian, catching him taking yet another deep, calming breath through his nose. “I was lookin’ on my phone earlier and there’s this place that’s open late that has tendies …” He begins searching the pockets of his suit. “Hey, hey, who has my phone?”

“Whoops,” Rhea giggles from behind her, and Dom reaches over Finn.

“Give it back!” Dom exclaims.

“Get your arm outta my face!” Finn says, shoving Dom’s arm away.

“Tell her to give me my phone back!”

“Give him his bloody phone back!”

“I know his passcode,” Rhea taunts.

Suddenly Dom’s own shiny black shoes bounce between the front seats as Finn launches him into the trunk area of the SUV.

“Well, open it already! What are you waitin’ for?” Finn shouts, holding Dom back as he both fights to climb over the seat and grab his phone from Rhea at the same time.

“If this is what having kids is like, you can forget it,” Damian remarks, making a left turn out of the parking lot. His girlfriend watches the street- and headlights bounce off his handsome features, smiling when he places his hand on her thigh, lifting her dress just a little.

“I’m not really concerned with that right now,” she quietly replies. The three in the back are still arguing and paying no attention to what’s going on in the front. Damian looks at her, and she lifts her hips, tugging the bottom of the dress up her legs until the very tops of her thighs are visible. His eyes return to the road to be sure he’s still in his lane, snapping back to her as she places her hand atop his, beginning to slowly drag it up her satiny skin.

Damian’s rough fingers make first contact with her bare slit, and he casts another glance in her direction. Her grin is wicked as she licks her lips, rolling her hips against his touch wantonly. His left hand grips the steering wheel, he adjusts the positioning of his own hips, and his middle finger slips within her folds. He massages the tiny nub in slow circles, torturing, before gliding his touch up and down, easily causing her pussy to surge. She sighs, head falling back against the seat, and she bites her lip.

“Shit,” she whispers. She squeezes his solid forearm with both hands as she rides his gifted fingers. Slithering inside her, first with one finger, then two, he hooks them expertly, and her back bows. The raucous from the backseat, the very fact that she and Damian are not alone in such a tiny space, sends her into a shivering, inaudible orgasm quicker than is typical when he uses his fingers on her. She releases his arm, gaping as he brings those cum-coated digits to his perfect lips where he sucks them greedily into his mouth. His cheeks hollow with the suction, sculpting those bones exquisitely, her thighs instantly twitching. He pulls them from his mouth with a lewd pop, winking at the same time, and she knows exactly which direction things are headed once that hotel room door clicks closed behind them.

He opens her door after backing into a parking spot. He rearranges the bulge in his pants as he holds his other hand out for her. She makes a show of raising her hips so she can pull her dress back down to its original length before placing her manicured hand into his, carefully climbing out of the vehicle. Damian closes the door, leaning down to press his lips to her ear.

“I’m gonna fucking wreck you,” he says.

“Promise?” she murmurs, brows raising.

“You guys suck,” Dom complains, tumbling out of the back of the SUV. Finn and Rhea lean on one another, uncontrollable laughter passing back and forth between them. “Now everybody’s gonna think I’m weird.”

“You are weird,” Finn and Rhea snicker in unison.

Damian’s arm rests on her shoulders once more, their fingers again tangled, as the party of five boards the hotel elevator. Dom continues to whine about whatever Rhea and Finn did to him, which evidently has something to do with an embarrassing Twitter post. But their bickering slowly begins to fade into mere background noise, the three of them standing in front of her and she in front of Damian, and she snakes her hands behind her. Her nails clack against her boyfriend’s belt buckle, a sinister grin splitting her lips as they continue southward. She follows the zipper, the mechanism threatening to burst trying to hold back the monster hardening within, which she tenderly cups in both hands. Damian brings an arm around her shoulders and across her chest, the other enveloping her waist, and she rests her head against his pec, massaging his still-growing cock through his pants. His perfect mouth latches onto her ear, biting, kissing, sucking, moving onto her neck, making sure to touch all of her spots. She’s so distracted she doesn’t notice his hand sweeping back across her chest so he can fondle her breast, which further occupies her attention and keeps her from realizing he’s pulling the sleeveless side of her dress down until that bare breast falls out. He takes it into his hand again, groping obscenely, all the while feasting on her neck.

The ding of the elevator breaks the couple’s building tension, and Damian lifts her dress back into position before the doors slide open. They resume their customary holding of one another as they follow their three friends into the hallway, Damian having to redirect them from turning right to turning left. The lump in his slacks is incredibly conspicuous, but he doesn’t try to hide it, and she doesn’t blame him—he has a lot to be proud of. She waits by their room door as he snatches the key card out of Finn’s hand, knowing none of the inebriated three will be able to operate the machine. He herds them inside, not even bothering to take Rhea to her room, and closes the door before they can make any more requests.

She backs slowly into their room as Damian stalks her. He regards her with a tilt of his head, stealthily reaching back to turn the lock on the door after it clicks closed. He casually starts toward her, opening his suit jacket and allowing it to slide down his arms. He catches it in one hand and lays it on a nearby dresser. Her breathing accelerates and she chews on the inside of her cheek as he unbuttons the cuffs on his shirt, rolling the sleeves halfway up his forearms like he’s about to take on a task that’s going to last for hours.

“I love that dress,” he tells her, closing the space between them.

She smiles. “Well thank you.” She runs her hands up his chest, over the vest this time, applying a small amount of pressure just so she can feel how hard his muscles are. “I thought you might like … the easy access.” Her hands come down his abdomen and she takes hold of the buckle on his belt. “And I—” She starts to unbuckle it. “—might like—” She unbuttons and unzips his pants. “—this big cock in my mouth.”

Ahead of her descending to her knees, he grabs hold of her with his hands under her arms and he tosses her back onto the bed. A giggle nearly erupts, but Damian is leering at her in a way he’s never done before as his fists come down on the mattress, then his knees, and she backs up on her elbows. When she comes to the pillows, she bends a knee, lifts her leg, and Damian pauses his advance. He glances at the heel perched delicately on his against his shoulder, the diamond bows, the diamond ribbons ascending her calf, and when he returns his attention to her, his eyes are devoid of any color except sable and he’s wetting his lips.

“Lick me, Papí,” she says.

Damian chuckles softly, pressing a tender kiss to the inside of her ankle. “¿Qué dices?”

“Please, Papí, will you lick me?”

He seizes her thighs, spreading them, pushing them back toward her until her hips nearly come off the bed and her elbows collapse. She feels the cold from the air conditioner rush over her bare, wet pussy, sending a shudder throughout her body. She lifts her head only to have it fall back into the pillows again after watching Damian lick a hot stripe from her aching hole to the top of her slit. She groans and her back arches as she grabs at his ponytail of tiny braids, to which he responds by closing his lips around her clit and sucking, slurping, effortlessly holding her legs in place as she fights to close them around his head.

“Fuck,” she yelps, releasing his hair to reach back and grip the headboard. Damian releases one leg so he can pull her dress down until her breast spills out, and that heel lands on his back, digging in as much as she dares as she tries desperately to ride his tongue. Damian grunts, coming away from her pussy, and she looks down at him, worried the heel in his back is too painful. He glances behind him in the direction of the heel, and when he looks back, she’s not sure he’s the same person. This man must certainly be the devil—the onyx flames in his eyes and the impish slope to his grin supporting her hypothesis. He surrenders her other leg, and she instantly brings the heel down onto his back, because that’s where a devil would want it. His eyes close briefly, opening just before he attacks her pussy, assaulting every nerve-ending with every trick he knows. She cries out, heels burrowing even further as her body undulates, and gushes cum all over Damian’s gifted tongue.

Without warning, Damian pulls away, standing on the floor now at the foot of the bed, the bottom half of his face glistening with her juices, and he repossesses her legs. Before she has time to pout, he yanks her down the bed, a leg on either side of him. He reaches down and wraps his hand around her throat, pulling her into a sitting position, her hands immediately rummaging through his pants and briefs, reemerging with Damian’s cock and balls. She makes a show of spitting into the palm of her hand before sliding it down his rigid shaft. He leans down to kiss her, pulling back just as she attempts to accept the kiss. She glares, trying again to kiss him, only to be met with the same results.

“Papí,” she sulks.

“I want you to choke on this dick first,” he tells her, hand still clutching her throat, lifting to the point she’s nearly coming off the bed. She sighs, glowing, hand decelerating on his cock. “You know I like kissing you when your mouth’s a mess.”

She nods, waiting obediently for him to release her neck, and as soon as he does, she has his cock buried almost to the root in her throat before she gags, coughs, and has to come up for air.

“Fuck!” Damian shouts, one hand on the back of her head, the other on the side near her neck, as he thrusts into her mouth. She grasps the ends of his belt, simply using them for stability as Damian rides her face. After several pumps, he pulls out, strings of saliva and precum bridging her lips and his cock. Now he allows her to kiss him, groaning as their tongues twist and curl, and she knows he can taste his cock all over her mouth, just like he likes it.

He picks her up under the arms again and launches her just a few feet back on the bed. Snickering as she bounces, she watches as Damian sheds all of his clothes from the waist up before crawling on his knees to get between her legs. He takes one of her heels and arranges it on his chest. Rubbing the velvety head of his cock along her throbbing clit, she feels him press into the heel, so she adds resistance with her leg so it might go deeper.

“Goddamn,” he roars. He starts to push himself inside her, and she revels in the sensation of being split open as she gives a moan of her own.

“Mmm, Papí likes a little pain,” she coos. She gives him a shove with the heel, and he snarls, glaring down at her with a tilt of his head, and maybe she went too far, but they’re past the point of no return. “That’s hot.”

Damian’s hips surge forward, impaling her completely on his rock hard member, nearly bouncing her head off the headboard if not for the pillows. She cries out, gripping the wood that is fastened to the wall, making it safe from rattling. However, the mattress has a squeak, which sounds in time with Damian’s rapid thrusts. He wraps his fingers around her ankle, anchoring it to his chest, other hand groping her bare breast, and he has a steady, albeit aggressive, rhythm.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she chants with each and every pump, unknowingly increasing the force in her leg. “Fuck me, Papí!” she cries out, finishing with a whisper, “please … please …”

Damian cries out his own set of curses, and with one final surge forward, he releases inside her. His pace slows, but doesn’t stop for several moments. A smile grows on her bruised lips, and even though she’s positive her makeup and hair are both incredible messes right now, she doesn’t feel shame or embarrassment. Her boyfriend doesn’t need to see her painted and polished to perfection every moment of their lives. And anyway, he’d warned her of his intentions to wreck her. Eventually he pulls out, lying next to her, and moments later, the couple is snoring together—she still in her dress and heels, he still in his pants and shoes.

The next morning, following a refreshing joint shower, they collect their belongings—Damian handling the heavier items, always leaving with her as little as possible to carry—and as she’s holding the door for him, Dom, Finn, and Rhea exit their room, Rhea having retrieved her things from her room earlier. The threesome are already wearing sunglasses and share a similar pale complexion, but when they spot her and Damian, they collapse into giggles.

Brows furrowing, she asks, “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothin’,” Finn replies.

She glances at Damian, who shrugs and rolls his eyes. They all head to the elevator, the three amigos murmuring amongst one another, and she has no idea what’s going on, but she knows it has something to do with her and Damian. Everyone stuffs themselves and their luggage into the tiny box, Rhea punches the button for the lobby, and the doors close. This is the moment the three of them launch into a litany of moaning and groaning and one of them even imitates the sound of a squeaking bed.

“Fuck me, Papí,” Dom’s voice is many octaves higher than normal.

“Papí likes a little pain,” Rhea joins in.

Finn repeats almost verbatim Damian’s list of curses after he came, and for some reason, she doesn’t understand what they’re talking about until this point. She feels her cheeks erupt as if coated in lava, and she’s shell shocked a moment before turning to Damian, who already has his hoodie unzipped and one side of it opened. Mortified, she buries her burning face against his chest and he covers her with the jacket. The rest of the elevator ride is filled with snickers and imitations.

Once outside, she pushes ahead of the group, hurrying toward the rental when she hears the distinct sound of hands clapping. Turning, she catches Damian grinning like he just won the fucking lottery, sharing handshakes with the boys and a high-five with Rhea.

“Really?!”

🎀 Chanclas - Flip flops 🎀 Papí - Daddy 🎀 Qué dices - What do you say?

#wwe #wwe fanfiction #wwe imagine #wwe x reader #damian priest x reader #smut #damian priest #damian priest smut #damian priest kinklist #damian priest fanfic #damian priest imagine #damian priest fanfiction #wwe fic #wwe fandom #wwe smut

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whotfelsewantedtobelynnyx · 2 months ago

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More Agatha All Along Incorrect Quotes!

(except these ones mostly have no actual source and just came from my brain :) )

⚠️Warning for some mild sexual content and mentions of alcohol! ⚠️

Teen: So did dying and coming back ultimately make you less afraid of death?

Lilia, taking a long sip of her wine: No, but learning she sometimes calls Agatha ‘Mommy’ in bed did.

*the coven, doing some spring cleaning*

Jen, who is perfectly capable of lifting it herself: Alice, can you come move this for me?

Alice, wiping some sweat off her forehead: Sure, Jen.

Jen, watching her from across the room: Mmm. Delightful.

Agatha, whispering in her ear: Pervert.

Jen, casually watching television: I don’t understand why TV producers have to put those warnings at the beginning of the episode, telling people not to recreate what they see. I mean, this guy’s trying to parachute off his own roof so he can steal fruit from his neighbor’s yard. People aren’t really THAT stupid in real life, are they?

Alice (a former first responder), lounging in her lap with her eyes closed: Yes, they are.

Lilia, watching out the window as Teen and Agatha climb up to the roof: Yes, they are.

Agatha: Are you two seriously crying over a cartoon meant for preschoolers?

Alice, wiping her eyes: No.

Teen, rewinding their episode of Bluey: Yes.

Jen, stalking into the room: AGATHA!

Agatha, rolling her eyes: What the hell are you upset about NOW?

Jen: YOUR WIFE JUST BIT ME!

Agatha: Uh-huh. Sure.

Jen, brandishing her arm: LOOK.

Agatha, spitting out her drink: Wait, what the hell- Rio, you ACTUALLY bit her?!

Rio: Her perfume smelled tasty :3

Agatha: Kid, we need to talk.

Teen, sighing: Are you about to give me a lecture on consent and safe sex?

Agatha: Huh? How did you know?

Teen: I’m not stupid. Did you really think I didn’t notice that condoms mysteriously started appearing in the bathroom cabinets when I started bringing Eddie over?

Agatha: What makes you think the two things are related?! Those could have belonged to anyone in this household!

Teen: YOU’RE ALL LESBIANS, AGATHA! WHOSE WOULD THEY BE?!

Agatha, who’s incredibly drunk: Y’know what I love about women, Alice? Kissing’em. Loooooove it. My mom tried to beat it outta me, but she couldn’t. Still a girl kisser over here.

Alice, who’s also seriously drunk: Amen.

Agatha, wildly gesticulating: Smelling her perfume, grabbing her ass, feeling her grab MY ass…TITS…

Alice, nodding sagely: Good. All good.

Agatha: Winding your fingers through her hair, pulling her closer…

Alice: Losing me there.

Agatha: What, Jen isn’t into hair pulling?

Alice:

Agatha:

Alice:

Agatha: …I now recognize my mistake.

#agatha all along #agatha harkness #lilia calderu #alice wu gulliver #jennifer kale #rio vidal #billy kaplan #billy maximoff #teen agatha all along #agatha all along incorrect quotes #incorrect quotes #spicy language #we love our dangerous lesbians #agathario #agatha x rio #bloodpotions #alice x jennifer #I’m actually obsessed with them #switch! agathario my beloveds #not letting anyone forget that alice has abs #jen isn’t either #teen and agatha are both very intelligent on their own #but together they are stupid #everyone cries over bluey if you don’t you’re a liar #rio is a menace to society #agatha’s mothering skills are a little rusty but she’s trying #coven of chaos? more like coven of lesbians #they’re all gay #alice may not be able to pull jen’s hair but jen definitely pulls hers #prove me wrong I dare you

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thecostofvictoryau · 3 months ago

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The Cost of Victory - ROTTMNT AU

They stopped the Krang, saved New York, and got their big brother back. Kinda.

Being "Krangified" as Mikey likes to call it, was found to be irreversible. At least physically. When Raph tried to rip the Krang gunk off of his face after Leo finally got through to him, he nearly gouged his new eye out. The replacement eye he was stuck with. The eye and flesh that was fused with his own. That was so painful when he tried to get. It. Off-

He passed out from the pain of trying to tear his own muscle apart. Then slipped into a coma where his body fought for control over the Krang flesh. A process that was so draining that he was out cold for months. There's so much he missed. What was wrong with Mikey's arms? Why was Leo in a wheelchair? Why was Donnie avoiding Pops? How did they even beat the Krang?

Why was he hearing voices..?

The Cost of Victory is an AU made by @chattieb (Me, hi). It's based on a what-if scenario of "What if Raph never got back to normal.

ChattieB first came up with the idea after the movie but... A lot of self doubt kept him from pursing the project and making the comic he wanted to. But, he's older now, far more confident, and ready to take on the challenge.

He hopes you'll enjoy his work <3

This story will update slowly as I (ChattieB) will be releasing it in chapters, not pages. However, I will gladly answer asks (as long as they're not spoiler-related) as well as sprinkle little bits of doodles, art, incorrect quotes, and more between chapters! -

Directory

Chapter One - coming soon...

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luxthestrange · 1 year ago

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TWST Incorrect quotes#559 LEONA!?-

Rugg: I want you to know that the reason I took so long to propose was because I was afraid of how Grim would react

Yuu: Eh, that’s fair. I was holding back on proposing because I remembered Leona making a comment about skinning the one who tried to take his baby brother boy away from him

Rugg:…you see, I was worried about verbal backlash. Now excuse me while I have a talk with Leona-

-In Leona room-

Rugg*Slams his door open with an angry hiss*BRO YOU ASS!?!, YOU ALMOST STOPPED SUNFLOWER FROM LIKING ME!?!-

Leona:...Oops?

In my heart I know they found family, Brothers from another mother...and with Leona being the eldest...he sometimes embarrassed his lil bro-...Also, my headcanon is Ruggie calls you sunflower...and he your dandelion-

#twst disney #twst #twisted wonderland x yuu #twisted wonderland x reader #twst yuu #savanaclaw x reader #twst savanaclaw #ruggie bucchi x yuu #ruggie bucchi x reader #ruggie bucchi #leona kingscholar #big bro leona #lil bro ruggie #twst fluff #twst incorrect quotes #incorrect quotes

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starry-bi-sky · 5 months ago

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more incorrect quotes for the stillborn danyal au - dpxdc

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Student: so like,, *gesturing to Plasmius* is he like,,, your dad or...?? Phantom: he would be if he wasn't such a BITCH Plasmius: excuse me Phantom: YOU HEARD ME

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Under the Bleachers: Danny and Dash smoking in solidarity Dash: Danny: Dash: do you have notes from Lancer's class today Danny: since when do I ever have notes from Lancer's class Danny: I can ask Tucker but only if you have notes from Abernathy's class Dash: deal

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Sam and Tucker: *making s'mores with Danny's lava hair* Danny, as Phantom: >:I Sam: you're just mad because you didn't think of it first Danny: yEAH

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Danny, freshly ghosted: .... Danny: well. at least i dont need to waste money on lighters anymore

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Tucker: with how long your hair gets we may just have to start calling you rapunzel Danny: don't you dare Sam: rapunzel, rapunzel, let down your lava hair Danny: NO

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Danny's hair tie breaks in the middle of a fight Danny: fuck Skulker: language child Danny, pushing lava bangs out of his face: fuck you! just for this im turning your suit into molten slag Skulker: waitholdonwecantALK--

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Danny: you know, by your logic Maddie is equally as guilty for abandoning you as Jack. She also never visited you while you were in the hospital. Vlad, had put his infatuation with Maddie aside but still kinda had feelings for her: Vlad: you're right Danny, not used to an adult agreeing with him: I-- huh, I am? Vlad: yes. If Dr. Walker had cared about me -- even if only as a friend, she would have tried to remain in contact with me. But she didn't. She is also as equally guilty for the accident that took your life too since she also failed to properly check over the portal for flaws and any improper wiring. Danny: wait- wait, i mean-- Vlad: this means only one thing Danny, bewildered: ??? Vlad, extinguishing all lingering feelings: I have to kill her too (somehow) Danny: nO.

#danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc #dpxdc #dpxdc crossover #dpxdc au #dpxdc prompt #dpdc #stillborn? no still born au #stillborn danny #danyal al ghul au #danyal al ghul #flanderizing the vlad and danny dynamic just a little🕺 🕺 🕺 as a treat #parental vlad masters #my vlad masters could beat up your canon vlad masters #my vlad masters also wears a ribcage corset and is permanently cursed with BabyFaced 20 Year Oldness when he's plasmius #danny: hey so my foster mom also never talked to you when you were hospitalized tho | vlad: oh shit u right | danny: i am #vlad: she's also not blameless in your death either. | danny: uh oh | vlad (ultimately A Dad First): this means i have to kill her too #bc if phantom can be a permanent 14yo then plasmius is also a permanent college student and i think thats hilarious. he physically cannot #grow a goatee as plasmius. he can get all the facial hair he wants as vlad but not as a ghost. L to him. this only fuels his vendetta #SB Vlad: im gonna kill maddie | canon vlad: you WHAT #hc that maddie got her doctorate with her maiden name first and refuses to change it. jack and vlad both supported this decision in college #and still do. im taking Vlad's creepiness about maddie out back and shooting it in the kneecaps. boom gone now i can just make him Parental #vlad saw maddie try and shoot danny once and promptly did a 180 on his feelings.#vlad: ah well actually fuck you too now. you shot my kid | danny: NOT YOUR KID #i want everyone to know that i was listening to thunder bringer when i was making the vlad plasmius design and so that is now attributed to #him forever and ever. i curse him with the Zeus Boss Battle Theme Song

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redak-ted · 2 years ago

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yeah here flowerpunk incorrect quotes for the soul

Miles: I think I'm falling for you. Hobie: Then get up.

Hobie: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them. Miles: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

Hobie: Welcome, fellow idiots Miles: Hello, Hobie Hobie: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot Miles: You underestimate me

Hobie: What’s up guys? I’m back. Miles: What the- you can’t be here. You’re dead. I literally saw you die. Hobie: Death is a social construct.

Miles, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me Hobie, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

Hobie: Stubs their toe FUCK! Miles: Mind your language! Hobie: What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”??? Miles: Hobie: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes, Miles.

Miles: This is such a bad idea. Hobie: Then why are you coming along? Miles: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

Hobie: Change is inedible. Miles: Don't you mean inevitable? Hobie, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Miles, going over Hobie's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you're creative. Hobie: Yes Miles: Okay…may I know what you create? Hobie: Problems.

Hobie: What if the 'g' in 'gif' is silent? Miles: Go the fuck to sleep Hobie: What gif I don't want to? Miles: Fuck You.

Hobie: Miles! My face is on fire! Miles: Hobie! Are you ok?! Hobie: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly. Miles: But your face is on fire. Hobie: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

Hobie: Don't stay up all night, Miles. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Hobie: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen? Miles: Neither. Miles: Because it's twelve.

Hobie: Three words. Say them and I'm yours. Miles: Three words. Hobie:

Miles: It’s dark in here Hobie: Don’t worry dude I got this Hobie: *Stomps their feet* Hobie: *Skechers light up*

Hobie: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you. Miles: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule. Hobie: Absolutely not.

Hobie: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds. Miles: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!? Hobie: No! Four to five seconds! Miles: Too late!!!

Miles: Do you think you’d actually notice if someone didn’t cast a shadow? Or if their limbs were just slightly too long? Or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed something on the street and you just didn’t notice It? Hobie: Stay woke monsterfuckers ur love is out there!!!!! Miles: Yknow what? Not my point at all in any way whatsoever, but I’m glad I could be an inspiration

#punkflower #flowerpunk #spider punk #miles morales #hobie brown #hobie x miles #inncorrect quotes

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bi-panicatthedisco · 8 months ago

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Random incorrect twst first-year quotes I saved

Deuce: Throw lamps at people who need to lighten up, and throw handles at someone who needs to get a grip!

Ace: Throw a refrigerator at someone who needs to chill!

Yuu: Throw scissors at someone who needs to cut it out!

Jack: Throw a clock at someone who needs to get with the times!

Sebek : Throw matches at someone who needs to get fired up!

Epel: Throw a brick at someone to kill them!

Yuu: Time for plan G.

Jack: Don’t you mean plan B?

Yuu: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Epel: What about plan D?

Yuu: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Sebek : What about plan E?

Yuu: I’m hoping not to use it. Deuce dies in plan E.

Ace: I like plan E.

*when the Squad drops food*

Deuce: Eh, oh well.

Epel: FIVE-SECOND RULE!

Ace: FUCK!

Jack: *just gets more food*

Yuu: *drops to their knees and mourns the food*

Sebek : *eats the food off the ground*

*the Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups*

Sebek, Jack, and Deuce: *spinning a little and talking*

Epel, Ace, and Yuu: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*

Epel: The floor is lava!

Jack: *helps Sebek onto the counter*

Ace: *kicks Deuce off the sofa*

Yuu: *lays on the floor*

Epel: ...Are you okay?

Yuu: No.

Jack: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Yuu, watching Sebek screaming, Ace trying to set a sleeping Deuce on fire, and Epel choking on air: I don't know either.

Deuce: We need to distract these guys

Ortho: Leave it to me

Ortho: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Yuu, Ace, and Epel: *Immediately begin arguing*

Jack, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

'Can I copy the homework?'

Ortho: I can help you with it!

Deuce: Yeah, sure.

Yuu: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.

Ace: lol nope.

Epel: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!

Jack: *Read 5:55pm*

Yuu: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Ortho: >:O language

Deuce: Yeah watch your fucking language

Epel: OKAY WHO TAUGHT DEUCE THE FUCK WORD?

Ace: 'The fuck word'.

Sebek: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Deuce: Oh my god they censored it

Epel: Say fuck, Sebek.

Ace: Do it, Sebek. Say fuck.

Yuu: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world!

Jack: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.

Deuce: More or less, I guess...

Ortho: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that!

Epel: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept.

Ace: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on!

Yuu, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.

Ace: Hey.

Deuce: Hi.

Jack: Hello.

Ortho: Hey!

Yuu: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Epel: We were out of Doritos.

Ortho: Hewwo.

Ace: Hihiiiiii!

Sebek: Greetings, Humans.

Jack: Three kinds of people.

Deuce: I want pudding.

Jack: Four kinds of people.

Yuu: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS?

Jack: Five kinds of people.

Yuu: Would you slap Deuce-

Ace: Yes.

Yuu: I didn't even finish!

Ace: Sorry, continue.

Yuu: Would you slap Deuce for 10 dollars?

Ace: I would do it for free.

Deuce: Rude...

Epel: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!

Epel: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

Grim: Tomorrow’s the Cooking Contest. Yuu always tells me one thing every year. They say, “You might win if you’d stop eating your entry!” But how would I know whether it’s an award-winning dish without tasting it first? This may be a problem humanity will have to grapple with for eternity…

Ace: It’s funny how well you and Sebek get along. Didn’t they hate you at first?

Yuu: Sebek hates everybody at first. It’s their way of reaching out to people.

Deuce: Where's Epel?

Yuu: Don't worry, I'll find them.

Yuu, shouting: Jack sucks!

Epel , distantly: Jack is the best person ever! Fuck you!

Yuu: Found them.

Yuu: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Grim : Mine just says "Grim no."

Yuu: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

Yuu: I have an idea.

Jack: A good idea?

Yuu: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Ortho: You believe me?

Yuu: Ortho, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Yuu: I give up. I am so tired.

Ace: Get the emergency supply!

Ortho: *carries Grim and places them in front of Yuu*

Grim: *smiles*

Yuu: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO

#twst incorrect quotes #twisted wonderland #twst #disney twisted wonderland #twst ace #ace trappola #twst deuce #deuce spade #twst jack #jack howl #twst epel #epel felmier #twst sebek #sebek zigvolt #yuu twst #yuu #yuu twisted wonderland

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faye-writes-stuff · 2 years ago

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welp here we go again

INCORRECT QUOTES TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Y/n: petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday Dream: Wednesay Y/n: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible

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Y/n: Dream, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power! Dream: Well of course I have. Dream: Have you ever tried going mad without power? Dream: It's boring.

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Y/n: Today is a day of running through hurdles. Ranboo: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles? Y/n: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

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Y/n: Ranboo... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor? Ranboo: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned. Y/n: Y/n: I wrote sanitize, Ranboo

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Y/n: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail Sapnap: No it’s my fault, I shouldn’t’ve used my one phone call to prank call the police

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Y/n: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming Sapnap: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak

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George: Welcome, fellow idiots Y/n: Hello, George George: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot Y/n: You underestimate me

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George: *Gets down on one knee* Y/n: Oh my god, it’s finally happening. George: *Falls over* Y/n: The poison is kicking in.

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Tommy: Change is inedible. Y/n: Don't you mean inevitable? Tommy, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

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Tommy: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Y/n's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get them out...

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Tubbo: Man, I only ever see you awake, do you ever shut down or stop running? Y/n: Oh, I’m always running Y/n: The question is from what

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Tubbo: I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are. Y/n: It’s not a joke. Y/n: *sniffles* Y/n: I’m a legit snack.

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Foolish: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao Y/n: What did you do op? Foolish: A MISTAKE

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Y/n: Foolish... Foolish: Oh no, 'Foolish' in b-flat. Foolish: You're disappointed.

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Technoblade: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE Y/n: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially Technoblade, desperately, as Y/n bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE Y/n: Oh! B positive. Technoblade: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE Y/n:

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Technoblade, in a meeting: My policy is if you see something, say something. Y/n: I saw a squirrel in a tree today! Technoblade, with the tone of someone who is used to Y/n: Outstanding. Technoblade: This is what I’m talking about people.

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Technoblade: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you. Y/n: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule. Technoblade: Absolutely not.

---------------

i accidentally hit post on this too early so if you saw this b4 it was finished- no you didn't

ANYWAYS enjoy, because the last one got over 300 likes so

ic master list :)

#techno x reader #technoblade x reader #platonic technoblade x reader #ranboo x reader #platonic ranboo x reader #tommyinnit x y/n #tommyinnit x reader #platonic tommy x reader #platonic!sapnap x reader #platonic tubbo x reader #platonic bench trio x reader #dreamwastaken x reader #dream x reader #dsmp incorrect quotes #sapnap x reader #georgenotfound x reader #georgenotfound x y/n #Faye writes #Faye's incorrect quotes

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serial-designation-jey · 4 months ago

Text

ALRIGHT YOU GUYS ASKED FOR THIS!

MURDER DRONES INCORRECT QUOTES, 38 PAGES WORTH, THE SHIPS ARE NUZI, DIZZY AND OILROSE. THIS WAS MADE LIKE A WEEK AFTER EPISODE 6 RELEASED. BE PREPARED THIS WILL BE LONG.

**Thad:** We call that a traumatic experience.

**Thad, turning to Uzi:** Not a "bruh moment".

**Thad, turning to J:** Not "sadge".

**Thad, turning to V:** And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

**Lizzy:** *lying down and crying*

**V:** There, there. Why don’t you take some time off to not be around me while you’re like this?

**V:** Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation?

**N:** All the time.

**V:** Then you should be used to it by now.

**Uzi:** You need a hobby.

**V:** I have a hobby!

**Uzi:** Fawning over J isn’t a hobby.

**N:** How do you connect with a fictional character?

**Thad:** What?

**Doll:** что? (What?)

**Lizzy:** What?

**Uzi:** *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

**Doll:** ��ногда я разговариваю сам с собой без причины. (Sometimes i talk to myself.)

**Doll:** Я тоже! (Me too!)

**Lizzy:** How do I tell Doll that I want them to yell at me like they're Gordon Ramsay and I'm a poor little chef who just ruined a crème brûlée?

**Doll:** Uzi просто сказал: «У меня есть тяга к разрушению», а затем они нагнулись и развязали мой ботинок. (Uzi just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.)

**Uzi:** I will send my army to attack!

**Uzi:** *releases a dumpster of raccoons*

**J:** What kinds of sounds annoy you?

**N:** Are we talking real sounds or imaginary ones?

**J, now interested:** Lets say imaginary.

**N:** Spiders wearing flip-flops.

**Lizzy:** Ow!

**Doll:** В чем дело? (What’s wrong?)

**Lizzy:** I have this weird pain right behind my visor.

**Doll:** Это называется стрессовая головная боль. Я получил свой первый, когда мне было четыре года. (It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.)

**N:** J, you’re mean!

**J:** What did you say?

**N:** You heard me!

**J, internally:** And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck you just said.

**Thad:** Why are you two always out during snowstorms?

**N:** It’s so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of snow.

**Uzi:** V bet me I couldn’t get struck by lightning, but she’s WRONG.

**Doll:** Так когда же мы им расскажем? (So when are we gonna tell them? )

**Lizzy:** Just give her a minute.

**Uzi:** *Pulling on a door that clearly says push.*

**Lizzy:** Hey! Wanna hear a joke?

**Doll:** Конечно. (Sure.)

**Lizzy:** Your life!

**Doll:** На самом деле моя жизнь — не шутка, шутки имеют смысл. (Actually, my life isn’t a joke, jokes have meaning.)

**Lizzy:** Doll, no.

**Tessa:** Keep it running. *Tosses keys over shoulder into empty parking lot.*

*The Squad cleaning up*

**Thad:** Pick up the nearest piece of trash and throw it away.

**Lizzy, to Uzi:** Aight, which bin do you wanna go in—

**Doll:** Я не был настолько пьян от масла. (I wasn’t that drunk on oil.)

**Lizzy:** You colored my face with a highlighter because you said I was important.

**Doll:** ПОТОМУ ЧТО ВЫ ЕСТЬ! (BECAUSE YOU ARE!)

*When a child starts crying in public*

**N:** *tries to make the child laugh*

**Doll:** *tries to play a game with the child to make them calm down*

**Lizzy:** *gives [bad] detailed instructions to the parents*

**Thad:** *cries with the child*

**V:** *ignores the child*

**Uzi:** *is the reason why the child is crying*

**Lizzy:** Why are we friends?

**V:** Poor decisions on your part.

**Uzi:** So, are you two dating now?

**J and V:** Yes.

**Uzi:** Why?

**J:** I happen to find V very appealing.

**Uzi:** Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with V.

**Uzi:** When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “Woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why N made me get tested.

**J:** Is something burning?

**V, leaning seductively on the counter:** Just my desire for you.

**J:** V, the toaster is literally on fire.

**J**: When I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.

**N**: What changed?

**J**: Now I know you’re a fake bitch.

**J, passing their phone to N:** I'm passing the phone to someone, who if I had to choose between hanging out with them and having my organs removed one by one, I’d choose the organs.

**N, passing the phone back to J:** I'm passing the phone to my best friend!

**Uzi:** Two brooooos!

**N:** Chillin' in a hot tub!

**Uzi:** Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!

**N:**

**Uzi:**

**N:** *tearing up*

**Uzi:** Babe, c'mon...

**N:** AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.

**Uzi:** Babe...

**Uzi:** sapnu puaS.

**Thad:** What??

**N:** What language is that?

**Uzi:** Turn your phone 180 degrees.

*Uzi was removed from the group chat*

**V:** At this point I have to confess… I started to feel a little bad for Doll. Maybe it was the fact that I had just outperformed them at their own game, or maybe it was that I held an obvious advantage over the poor bastard. Maybe it was just that unbearable to look into their eyes. Either way, I started to wonder if maybe this was a pointless endeavor after all. What was I doing to this person? What was I trying to prove? Was this really some grand, noble quest, to tear an overconfident fraud from their unearned throne? To show everyone that I was right. That Doll did not deserve to stand at that zenith, to lord over all their lowly competitors. Or… perhaps… was I really just doing this for myself? Beating an opponent within an inch of their life over and over and over again… all for my own petty ego. All to fill this emptiness inside of me. I asked myself, was Doll really the bad guy? Or was it me, all along?

**V:** But then I remembered that Doll ain’t shit, and I got over it!

*Bullying Prevention Day at school*

**Teacher:** Uzi, what would you do if one of your classmates viciously teased you again and again?

**Uzi:** Oh, that’s easy. I’d take a pencil out of my pencil case—

**Teacher:** To write something to your teacher?

**Uzi:** —make sure that it’s really sharp, and ram it into their eye at full tilt! My mom always said the pencil is mightier than the sword because they can’t outlaw bringing pencils to school!

**Teacher:** *internal screaming*

**V:** This bloodline ends with me.

**Uzi:** That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay".

**V:** How’s practice going?

**Lizzy:** Terrible. I want to stab everybody there.

**V:** Okay, just don’t get any oil on your clothes.

**Lizzy:** …you shouldn’t be condoning this.

**V:** Don’t tell me how to live my life.

**Uzi, singing:** I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—

**Lizzy:** A mom.

**J:** A better love life.

**V:** Mental stability.

**N:** *clueless* Bagels?

**Doll:** Люди всегда отвергают мои идеи, и мне это надоело. Два предложения, и все всегда кричат: «Какого черта? это незаконно!» и «Ты не можешь этого сделать!». Мол, давай, дай мне поговорить! (People always shoot down my ideas and I’m sick of it. Two sentences in and everyone’s always shouting “What the fuck? That’s illegal!” and “You can’t do that!”. Like, c'mon, let me talk!)

**V:** How was your day, Lizzy?

**Lizzy:** Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school.

**V:** Oh? And what does that mean?

**Lizzy:** It means I can't bully Uzi for a whole week.

**V:** J annoyed me today so I told them that I can’t wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow.

**Uzi:** There is nothing special about tomorrow.

**V:** But there is something special about watching the color leave their eyes as panic takes over.

**Lizzy, to Doll:** You wanna fight? All right, let’s take this outside. The stars are so bright tonight and the moon looks so nice. Here, hold my hand—

**Doll:** Не могу поверить, что в моем свидетельстве о рождении написано Ф… (I can’t believe my birth certificate says F... )

**Doll:** ...Как я не родился? (...How did I fail being born?)

**Uzi:** *About to do something incredibly stupid*

**N:** I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.

**Doll, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl:** Я убил парня, и мне это понравилось- (I killed a guy, and I liked it- )

**Lizzy, whispering:** Should we call the exorcist?

**Uzi, also singing:** The taste of his cherry chapstick.

**V, appalled:** Call the exorcist.

**Uzi:** Guys… the principal just called—

**Rebecca:** It was Lizzy!

**Lizzy:** It was Braiden!

**Braiden:** It was Thad!

**Thad:** It was me!

**Uzi:** I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate, or malewife our way out of it this time.

**V:** *cracks knuckles* Manslaughter it is!

**J:** You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like "Huh.."

**V:** I saw you.

**J:** Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of Tessa in a turkey costume.

**N:** Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!

**V:** Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Lizzy, go find out if that thing can catch fire!

**N:** You're a bad influence.

**V:** And you don't know your sayings.

**Uzi:** Is stabbing someone immoral?

**Lizzy:** Not if they consent to it.

**V:** Depends on who you’re stabbing.

**N:** YES??!!?

**V:** The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

**Doll:** Хотите чего-нибудь выпить? (Would you like something to drink?) *They open the fridge* У нас есть вода, молоко, сок, тараканы, Доктор Пеппер- (We have water, milk, juice, cockroaches, Dr. Pepper-)

**Lizzy:** Cockroaches?

**Doll:** Тараканы это тогда. (Cockroaches it is then.)

**Lizzy:** No, that wasn’t-

*But they were already pouring them a brimming glass of cockroaches*

**V:** How long do you think it'll take?

**J:** I don’t know, three or four.

**Uzi:** Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?

**V:** Yeah, maybe five.

**Uzi:** Five what?!

*J Driving and taking V and N along for the ride*

**N:** That's a pothole. To the left!

**J:** Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*

**V, sticking their face into the front over the center console:** Cha Cha real smooth.

**J:** I don't think that's how the song goes.

**N, crying and gripping the handle:** Please just take me home.

**J:** Country Roads.

**V:** To the place.

**J and V in unison:** I Belong!

**N, crying harder:** What the fuck?

*J and V are in a mirror maze*

**J, seeing V:** C'mon, you got it! Almost through!

**V:** Oh! I see you! *runs straight into a mirror, shattering it*

**J:** *Cries laughing*

*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

**Lizzy:** I love me too.

**V:** Oh no.

**N:** *cries* I love you too.

**Uzi:** Sounds fake, but okay.

**J:** *A flustered mess*

**Thad:** Can I get a refund?

**V:** It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

**Doll:** Я думаю, мой ангел-хранитель пьет. (I think my guardian angel drinks.)

**Thad:** Hey, Lizzy? Can I get some dating advice?

**Lizzy:** Just because I'm with Doll doesn't mean I know how I did it.

**N:** There is no i in happyness…

**J:** There is if you fucking spell it right.

**Uzi:** We are gathered here today because someone- *glares at V’s coffin* -couldn’t stay alive!

**Lizzy:** Would you take a bullet for me?

**Doll:** …да? (...yes?)

*Uzi angrily bursts into the room*

**Lizzy:** *running away* Great, thanks!

**N:** You know, I really wish you’d just admit you made a mistake sometimes.

**V, stirring their coffee:** I prefer it with salt.

**Uzi:** Are you okay?

**N, crying:** Yeah, it was just the onions.

**Uzi:** *Picks up an onion* What the fuck did you say to N?

**Thad:** Do you support gay rights?

**Doll:** Я буквально гей. (I’m literally gay.)

**Uzi:** They’re avoiding the question!

**N:** Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

**V:** Please, just say fuck.

**Lizzy:** Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie-

**Thad:** Eyy, homie!

**Uzi:** But then there's cootie...

**J:** Die.

**Uzi:** Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses? Like if horses weren’t a thing, drones would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.

**V:** Elephants.

**Uzi:** Blocked.

**J:** Camels.

**Uzi:** Extra blocked.

**N:** Donkeys.

**Uzi:** Ultra blocked.

**Lizzy:** That dick.

**Uzi:** ...Followed.

**N:** Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute drone but I'm not!

**V:** N, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday.

**N:** It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it!

**J:** ...It was a bug.

**N:** It was a BEETLE, and its wife is definitely worried sick, wondering where it is, and I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental because I'm not!

**V:** ...

**J:** ...

**N:** Stop looking at me like that!

**Uzi:** I feel like the world would be better if I'd never been born.

**J:** Aw... that's not true.

**J:** It'd be exactly the same.

**J:** You're not important.

**V, admiring a sleeping J:** You’re so cute.

**J, sleepily:** I could beat your ass.

**V, lovingly:** I know.

**Lizzy:** I know how this must look but I can assure you we have a perfectly logical explanation.

**Thad:** Yeah! We’re cowards!

**Lizzy**: Thad- no.

**V:** Stay foxy.

**J:** Die lonely.

**Lizzy, filling out legal paperwork:** Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

**V:** Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

**J:** I personally was created in a lab.

**Uzi:** I just straight up spawned lol.

**V:** Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.

**V:** Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

**Lizzy:** *Pulls a glass of water from out of nowhere*

**Doll:** Где ты достала это? (Where did you get that?)

**Lizzy:** My pocket.

**Doll:** Как держать стакан воды в кармане? (How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?)

**Lizzy:** Skills.

**Lizzy:** How are you today?

**Doll:** Пожалуйста, не заставляй меня думать о своей жизни. (Please don’t make me think about my life.)

Here’s a bunch of shipping ones that I got:

**Uzi:** My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful, and organized.

**N:** *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

**Uzi:** That one. I want that one.

**Uzi:** Hey, J, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?

**J:** uh. Yeah. why.

**Uzi:** And you, V?

**V:** Umm... yes?

**Uzi:** Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!

**V:** Did she just-

**N:** Are you ready to commit?

**Uzi:** Like a crime or a relationship?

**N:** Crushes are the worst. Whenever I’m near mine, I start acting stupid.

**Uzi:** You always act stupid.

**Uzi:**

**Uzi:** Wait...

**J:** Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.

**V:** Oh. We're going out?

**J:** Wh...

**V:** I want to kiss you.

**J, not paying attention:** What?

**V:** I said if you die, I won't miss you.

**J:** Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

**V:** I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting crazy.

**J:** But you’re always acting crazy?

**V:** ...

**V:** Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

**Doll:** Кем ты хочешь быть на Хэллоуин? (What do you want to be for Halloween?)

**Lizzy:** Yours.

**Doll:** …

**Doll:** …да, это было бы довольно страшно. (…yeah, that would be pretty scary.)

End of MAJOR shipping section

**Thad:** I was arrested for being too cool.

**Lizzy:** The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

**J, when V walks in:** Oh, hey, I'm just storing oil.

**J:** *“accidentally” smacks N in the face with a worker’s arm*

**N:** Anyone wanna play cards?

**J:**Sure, anyone have any poker chips?

**Uzi:** Plus four.

**Thad:** Pikachu, I choose you

**V:** Go fish.

**N:** I meant rummy-

**Random worker drone:** It's gin rummy.

**Uzi:** We’ve got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without

**J:** N, probably.

**J:** I'm sorry please talk to me

**V:**

**J:** Hello? World’s most amazing drone? Sweet Pea? Company assigned partner?

**V:** Don't sweet pea me you stole my bubbles.

**J:** I'm not doing too well.

**V:** Are you okay?

**J:** I have this headache that comes and goes

**N:** *enters the room*

**J:** There it is again!

**J:** I CAN'T DO IT!

**V, laughing:** I CAN'T EITHER!

**J:** I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

**N:** WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

**J:**

**J:** I appreciate it,

**J:** BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

**Doll:** J-

**J:** YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

**Lizzy:** J we gotta-

**J:** YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

**J:** YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

**J, motioning to Uzi:** NOT FUCKING THIS

'Can I copy the homework?'

**N:** I can help you with it!

**Uzi:** Yeah, sure.

**V:** Bold of you to assume I did the homework.

**J:** lol nope.

**Lizzy:** We had homework?

**Doll:** *Read 5:55pm*

**J:** We need to distract these guys **V:** Leave it to me **V:** Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. **Thad, Uzi, and Lizzy:** *Immediately begin arguing* **N, watching in horror:** Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

**V:** Time for plan G. **J:** Don’t you mean plan B? **V:** No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. **Uzi:** What about plan D? **V:** Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. **N:** What about plan E? **V:** I’m hoping not to use it. J dies in plan E. **Uzi:** I like plan E.

**J:** If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. **N:** What if it bites me and it dies!? **V:** Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, N, learn to listen. **Uzi:** What if it bites itself and I die? **N:** That’s voodoo. **Lizzy:** What if it bites me and someone else dies? **J:** That’s correlation, not causation. **Uzi:** What if we bite each other, and neither of us die? **V:** That’s kinky. **J:** Oh my God.

OILROSE SECTION because im running out of ideas and i love them a lot

**J:** Here's some advice

**V:** I didn't ask for any

**J:** Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me

**V:** *Stabs their leg with tail* FUCK!

**J:** Language!

**V:** What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”???

**J:**

**V:** You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.

*J:* You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

**V, drinking toast:** Why do you say that?

**V:** So are we flirting right now?

**J:** I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU??

**V:** That doesn’t answer my question.

**V:** Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

**J:** You and me.

**V, tearing up:** Okay.

**V:** .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- (I’M SORRY)

**J:** What's that?

**V:** Remorse code.

**J:** I'm even angrier now.

**V:** Am I in trouble?

**J:** Take a guess.

**V:** No?

**J:** Take another guess.

**J, pointing:** May I sit there?

**V:** That's my lap

**J:** That doesn't answer my question, V.

**V:** English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

**J:** You need to stop.

**J:** *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

**V:** *Out of breath* THEY PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

**J:** I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

**V:** It’s not a joke.

**V:** *sniffles*

**V:** I’m a legit snack.

**J, addressing the squad:** And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

**V:** But – that’s just a trash can.

**J:** It sure is!

**J:** Remember when we didn't try to solve all our problems with attempted murder?

**V:** Stop romanticizing the past.

**V:** I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives

**J:** I wake up at 4:30 AM

**V:**

**V:** I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

**J:** V...

**V:** Oh no, 'V' in b-flat.

**V:** You're disappointed.

**J:** petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday

**V:** Wednesay

**J:** Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible

**V:** You love me, right, J?

**J:** Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

*J and V skipping stones on a (frozen) lake*

**J:** It’s such a nice night..

**V, whispering:** Take that you fucking lake

**J:** You're right.

**V:** That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

END OF OILROSE SECTION :’( it was getting a bit too long

**J:** Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

**N:** >:O language

**Lizzy:** Yeah watch your fucking language

**V:** OKAY WHO TAUGHT LIZZY THE FUCK WORD?

**Uzi:** 'The fuck word'.

**Thad:** Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

**Lizzy:** Oh my god they censored it

**Uzi:** Say fuck, Thad.

**Lizzy:** Do it, Thad. Say fuck.

**V:** Rules are made to be broken.

**N:** They were made to be followed.Nothing is made to be broken.

**Thad:** Uh, piñatas.

**J:** Glow sticks.

**Uzi:** Karate boards.

**Lizzy:** Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

**V:** Rules.

**N:**

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*

**J:** I will not let you down.

**Thad:** Sounds fun.

**V:** K.

**Uzi:** No, I'm fucking not.

**Lizzy:** Do I have to be?

**N:** Please god, I am so tired.

**Lizzy:** What are you talking about N? You love it here!

**N:** I'm not sure I do, I think I've just developed Stockholm syndrome.

**Lizzy:** See, the problem is, V, you’re playing 3D chess. I’m playing 4D.

**V:** I’m playing checkers. I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing.

**V:** I’m so tired.

**Uzi:** Did you get to bed late?

**V:** No.

**Uzi:** Did you do something strenuous?

**V:** No.

**Uzi:** Then why are you tired?

**V:** I’m alive.

**Uzi:** Sounds exhausting.

**V:** You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.

**J:** What changed your mind?

**V:** Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.

**V:** Are you busy?

**J:** Yes.

**V:** Cool, listen to this...

Somebody stop me im decending into oilrose again

*V recording whilst Lizzy and Uzi are arguing*

**Lizzy:** HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP!! HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS! THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, BRO!

**V:** *wheezes like a tea kettle*

**J, pulling out a knife:** I'm gonna stab them both.

**Lizzy:** YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG?

**Uzi:** It's my favorite movi-

**Lizzy:** SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE, UZI!

**Uzi:** I'm not fighting with you, I'm not fighting with y-

**Lizzy:** GROW UP, BRO. GROW UP!

**J:** Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with murder.

**J:** *glares at N*

**N:** Well, sorry I have morals!

*The Squad's cooking skills*

**Doll:** *master chef*

**Lizzy:** *knows a few recipes*

**Thad:** *can follow instructions on a box*

**Uzi:** *made toast once*

**N:** *banned from the kitchen*

**Lizzy:** Why are you on fire?

**V:** This is just how my day is going.

*Lizzy and Thad are texting*

**Lizzy:** Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone.

**Thad:** What did they change my name to?

**Lizzy:** Chosen One.

**Thad:** Don’t change it back.

**Lizzy:** BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?!

**Thad:** I’m the chosen one.

**Lizzy:** In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

**N:** Wasn’t V with you?

**V:** In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

**Uzi:** Go to hell!

**J:** Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

**V, from far away:** Me too!

**Uzi:** Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

**Thad:** Valentines Day? I'm ready. *Sprays an entire can of AXE body spray on themselves*

**J:** If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, V!

*Neither of them dies*

**V:** …

**J:** …

**V:** So do you wanna talk about somethi-

**J:** No thank you.

**V:** J! I thought you were dead!

**J:** No, just in deep cover.

**V:** ...But it was an open casket.

**J:** It was very deep.

**J:** V, I love you and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing?

**Uzi, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that V is sitting atop:** Oh nothing much.

**V:** I love you too :)

**Uzi:** Don’t mansplain this to me!

**J:** Wh- I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you!

**Uzi:** …Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!

**Lizzy:** Who the fuck-

**N:** Language!

**Lizzy:** Whom the fuck-

**N:** No.

**Uzi:** Is J always like this when she loses?

**V:** Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of (year).

**J:** YOU BUMPED THAT TABLE AND WE ALL KNOW IT.

**N, in a high voice, holding Barbie:** Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

**Uzi, in a deep voice, holding Ken:** Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.

**V:** What the fuck are you guys doing?

**Uzi:** Playing systemic oppression.

**J:** Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know!

**V:** The mouth of a jellyfish is also an an*s.

**J:** Stop.

**Lizzy:** ARE YOU-

**Uzi:** Fucking.

**Lizzy:** KIDDING ME?! YOU-

**Uzi:** Fucking.

**Lizzy:** IDIOT!

**Thad:** …What was that?

**Uzi:** V banned Lizzy from swearing, so I’m helping her out.

**Uzi:** I hate you with every inch of my body!

**J:** That’s not a lot of inches.

**Lizzy:** You think you're smarter than everyone else.

**J:** I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

**V:** I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.

**Uzi:** I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

**Tessa:** Its hard to resist, I'm really sorry- I mean, considering your approach so far, you had us tied here for- what? Hours? And you haven’t even had us confirm what exactly we are!

**Cyn:** What are you then?

**Tessa:** I'm a Virgo! -fucking dies-

**Lizzy:** She's the girl of my dreams!

**Thad:** You say every girl is the girl of your dreams.

**Lizzy:** I have a lot of dreams.

**J:** Why am I the bad guy?

**V:** I don't know, why am I the hot one? We all have our thing.

**N:** Do you always have to attack me with your words?

**J:** Would you prefer me to use a brick?

**Thad:** Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely!

**J:** With NAPALM.

**J:** Hey, wanna go hunt with me?

**V:** You have a gun in your hand. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

**J:** The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.

**J:** I will not yield.

**Thad:** What’s it like being tall?

**Uzi:** Is it nice?

**Lizzy:** Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

**N:** We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

**V, trying to comfort J:** What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

**V:** I want to be like a caterpillar.

**Uzi:** Explain.

**V:** Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

**N:** You know they have a lifespan of a week, right?

**V:**

**J:** That's just another highlight!

**Doll:** Выйди из моей комнаты (Get out of my room)

**V, standing in the doorway:** I’m not in your room.

**J:** You know, sometimes I really think I can be too straight.

**V, covered in bi merch and sipping an iced oil:** Sucks to be you.

**J:** I don't know, it's not my cup of oil.

**V:** Well then whose is it?

**J, staring at a cup of oil:** I don't know!

**Doll:** Бро, мне приснилось, что мы поцеловал. (Bro, I had a dream we kissed.)

**Lizzy:** Bro, relax it was just a dream.

**Doll:** Ха, гей, я бы тебя не целовать. (Huh, gay, I wouldn’t kiss you.)

**Lizzy:** You wouldn’t?

**Doll:** Я имею в виду, если ты не хочешь… (I mean, unless you want to-)

**Uzi:** This can’t get any worse. Can it?

**J:** Sure it can - just give me a minute.

**Uzi:** Ew. What kind of tea is this?

**J:** I boiled oil.

**V:** Guys, my friend here is bilingual.

**J:** Yes.

**V:** Which means they like both boys and girls.

**J:** Ye- wait, what-

**Uzi:** V, that's not what bilingual means-

**V:** Shhh, it's okay J. I still love you, girl.

**N and Uzi:** ...

**V:** Full homo.

**Thad:** Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend?

**Lizzy:** Generic excuse.

**Thad:** I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face.

**Lizzy:** I can.

**N:** Aren’t you going to say “have a nice day?”

**J:** I don’t care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.

**V:** Truth or dare?

**Lizzy:** Dare.

**V:** I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.

**Lizzy:** Hey Uzi?

**Uzi:** Yeah?

**Lizzy:** Can you move? I'm trying to get to Doll.

OILROSE SECTION (again) im running out of ideas and i love them a lot

**J:** Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.

**V:** Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

**V:** Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

**J:** Okay.

**V:** And make out during the scary parts.

**J:** Th-

**J:** The scary parts.

**J:** Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

**V:** I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it.

**J:** What- how?

**V:** You’d be like “come with me to hunt… Mrs. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.”

**J:** *angrily presses V against a wall* WHERE'S MY JCJENSON PENS?!

**V:** ...

**V:** Are we about to kiss-

**J:** Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, V!

**V:** You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.

**V:** I love you.

**J, not paying attention:** What was that?

**V:** I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

**V:** You look good in that hoodie.

**J:** You know where else I'd look good?

**V, zero hesitation, without thinking:** My bed.

**J, at the same time:** By your side- wait, what?

**V, throwing their head into J's lap:** Tell me I'm pretty!

**J, lovingly stroking their hair:** You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

**J:** Do you love me?

**V:** We’re literally married.

**J:** Yeah, but as friends or—

**J:** That was so hot, V.

**V:** I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.

**J:** I'm so in love with you.

**V:** You got a date yet J?

**J:** No...

**V:** Well you do now! Get your ass up and hold my hand!

**V:** *seductively takes off glasses*

**V:** Wow...

**J:** *blushes* Haha... what?

**V:** You're really fucking blurry.

**J:** Okay, but if your not gay then why are you always holding my hand and kissing me and telling me I’m your girlfriend?

**V:** Dude- Its satire!

**J:** THAT'S NOT WHAT SATIRE MEANS!

**V:** Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?

**J:** Peonies, why?

**V:**

**J:** Were you going to get me flowers?

**V:**

**J:**

**V:** ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

**J:** BE A BETTER PERSON!

**V:** WHY?!

**J:** BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

**V, to J:** We had a date!

**V:** *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book*

**V arguing with J:** HOW DO I LOVE YOU?

**J:** NO BUT YOU HA-... you- love me?

**J:** Goodnight to the love of my life, V, and fuck the rest of y'all.

**V:** If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

END OF OILROSE SECTION :’( it was getting a bit too long

**N:** If you got arrested what would be the charges?

**Lizzy:** Theft.

**Thad:** Disturbing the peace.

**Uzi:** Aggravated assault.

**J:** Arson.

**V:** All of the above. In that order, probably.

**V:** I hate taking off my glasses, because without them, my vision goes from Full HD all the way down to buffering at 240p and I just can't handle that.

*V and J playing Minecraft*

**V:** Oh no, oh no, oh no-

**J:** What’s wrong?

**V:** I did a thing.

**J:** *You regret the thing you dID-*

**V:** *screams*

**J:** What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-

**V:** *screams again*

**J:** If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

**Lizzy:** Ooh, I like your accent, where you from?

**Random Drone:** I am Liberian.

**Lizzy:** Oh, my bad.

**Lizzy, whispering:** I like your accent, where you from?

**V:** Pfft, you should meet J, they're such a tsundere.

**Lizzy:** They... they just stabbed you.

**V:** So cute.

**N:** I think Uzi is in trouble.

**V:** Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest.

**V:** I am going to cry. I’m going to cry until I can no longer physically cry anymore because all the oil in my body is gone and I die from overheating.

**N:** Are you okay?

**J:** Did you actually just ask them that? Like, you need that to be answered otherwise you won’t know?

*in a group chat*

**V:** First one to reply is gat.

**V:** *gay

**V:** Wait...

**V, day-dreaming:** When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

**N:** You don't know anything about me!

**J:** I know EVERYTHING about you! You are an open book written for very dumb children!

**V:** *casually taking four stairs at a time*

**Uzi, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time:** Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

**Doll:** Эй, Лиззи, я нашел паука. Крутой пацан. Спасибо, что ели комаров. (Hey Lizzy, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.)

**Doll:** О нет, куда это пропало? (Oh no, where did it go?)

**Lizzy:** DOLL WHAT THE FUCK?!

**V:** If you kill me, my teeth only have a 2% drop rate.

**J:** What?

**V:** Good luck.

**J:** Stressed.

**V:** Depressed.

**Uzi:** Possessed.

**Doll:** Одержимый. (Obsessed.)

**Thad:** Impressed.

**N:** Chicken breast.

**Everyone:** ...What?

**N:** I just wanted to join in.

**Uzi:** Do you take constructive criticism?

**J:** No, only cash or credit.

**N:** So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

**V:** We're chopsticks!

**N:** Well... that's cute!

**N:** Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?

**J:** No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.

**N:** My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

**Thad:** My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

**Uzi:** My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

**Lizzy:** My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

**Uzi:** What's wrong with you?

**J:** Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

**Uzi:** Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies?

**V:** Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials.

**N:** It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby.

**J:** Rock also defeats baby.

**Doll:** Я от природы смешной, потому что моя жизнь — это шутка. (I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.)

**J, making coffee:** This is going to fix everything.

**V:** You know, Uzi, you are the sun in my life.

**Uzi:** Why? Cause I'm smoking hot?

**V:** Because it hurts my eyes looking at you.

**V:** I’m never donating oil ever again.

**V:** The second you walk through the door, it’s just one invasive question after another!

**V:** ‘Where did you get it?’ 'Why is it in a bucket?’ I mean, do you want it or not?

**Tessa:** If we lose, you’re out of the will.

**V:** I was in the will?

**V:** How does one turn their emotions off?

**Uzi:** Okay, so first go to settings.

**Uzi:** I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.

**V:** No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

**Lizzy:** Okay, two person huddle.

**Doll:** Невозможно ютиться вдвоём. Это просто объятия. (You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug.)

**V:** Bye J! Bye Uzi! Bye Lizzy! Bye N! Bye J!

**Uzi:** You said ‘bye J’ twice.

**V:** I like J.

*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword*

**V:** Rude.

**J:** That's fair.

**Uzi:** Not again.

**Lizzy:** Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

**V:** Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi.

**V:** I'm so tough, I'm on alert even when there's no danger!

**J:** V, that's PTSD.

**V:** Well please don’t let J do anything stupid…

**Uzi:** Stupid by my standards or yours?

**V:**

**V:** Stupid by my mother’s standards.

**Uzi:** Smart. J will live longer.

**J:** There are no friends when playing board games. I am here to win.

**V:** I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

*The Squad is gathered in the living room for a meeting*

**V:** *walks in and sits on J’s lap*

**The Squad:** …

**N:** Why are you sitting there?

**V:** There were no free seats

**Uzi:** But we made sure there was enough room for-

**J:** *hugs V tightly* There are no free seats.

**V, trying to impress J:** I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.

**N:** They turned it off and back on again!

**J:** Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!

**J:** Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

**Lizzy:** Truth or dare?

**V:** Truth!

**Lizzy:** Do you-

**J:** I dare you to kiss me.

**V:** *kisses J*

**Lizzy, to Uzi:** They said “truth”, right?

Squad reactions to being called straight:

**V:** The fuck, no I'm not.

**J:** Excuse the hell out of you?

**Lizzy:** Ding dong, you are wrong!

**Thad:** Who told you that? And why did they lie? For i am bi.

**N:** What?

**Doll:** *punches the person*

**Uzi:** At first I thought you were foolish and incompetent.

**N:** My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. It was an honest mistake, I swear.

**Doll:** You’re a horrible person!

**V:** Maybe. But I’m rich and I’m pretty, so it doesn’t really matter.

**N:** Don't go to the pod.

**V:** Why?

**N:** I saw a spider.

**V:** Well, did you kill it?

**N:** It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair...

**V:** My life isn't as glamourous as my wanted poster makes it look.

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alienoresimagines · 6 months ago

Text

Masters of the Air Masterlist

Misc.

Mota Incorrect Quotes

Why we should give Crank more love Ted Talk

Mota Characters as John Mulaney Quotes

Buck x Bucky | Clegan

Sheepskin HC

What If John Was Never Shot Down HC

John edition Gale Edition

Clegan as written by A. E. Housman

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Drag Me Under (2519 words) also on AO3

For the Prompt : [ CAREFUL ]: sender gently lifts the receiver out of their seat and carries them carefully to bed after noticing they fell asleep and not wanting to waken them. Or Gale fell asleep on the couch, leaving it up to Bucky to get him to bed without waking him. He has feelings about it all. Mostly, he's in love.

Of Safe Places and Kisses (1419 words) also on AO3

It is Gale's turn to fall victim to the nasty cold that spread through the 100th, which leaves Bucky in charge of bringing him back to health. He takes that duty very, very seriously. Gale just wants to some cuddles.

Gale And His Feelings For Bucky, in Four Acts (6239 words) only on AO3

No dam could've withstood the force of nature John Egan is. No strength on Earth could've stopped Gale from loving him, not even himself. And now, both sat on opposite ends of the couch, Gale reading and John intently listening to a baseball game on the radio but Buck's right hand holding on to Bucky's left, he can't keep the words in his mouth. "I love you." The words curve around his tongue, twirl in the air until they're embedded in every wall of their house, and dance around Bucky who immediately smiles wide, as if Buck hasn't said the words a thousand times by now. It took him two years to figure the words out from the maze in his head, another one to admit them to himself as something eternal and inevitable, and then an additional two to voice them, give them shape and sound until there really is no escape from them, and now he can't stop uttering them. It's freeing in a way he never knew words could be. As though he gives a piece of himself to Bucky with every utterance, and he wants Bucky to have all of him. Or Gale's journey from realizing his feelings for Bucky to realizing Bucky feels the same towards him.

Your Heart Will Always Be Known To Me (7005 words) only on AO3

For the prompt : [ NAP ] while receiver is resting, sender joins them in bed & cuddles up close Or After a long day at work, Gale cannot wait to go home to Bucky, especially since today was a special one for his better half. But instead of the enthusiast welcome home he is used to, he finds Bucky fast asleep in their bed, and is overwhelmed with so much love he has to let it out and let John know how loved he is.

Never Coming Down (With Your Hand In Mine) (1862 words) also on AO3

For the prompt : [Knuckles] for a kiss on the hand Or Gale's hands are terribly cold in the Stalag and John's more than happy to hold them until they're warm.

And so the weed of sorrow springs at the four cross ways (6536 words) only on AO3 (Outsider's POV)

Neil and his wife never had children, and yet, he realizes as he watches Bucky’s bottom lip tremble and feels the lump in his throat growing in answer, he’s already familiar with the grief of a father. - Still reeling from losing Buck on the Bremen mission, Chick tries his hardest to keep his boys together, especially Bucky. But an overheard confession that could get the other man sent home with a blue ticket forces him to make a decision that could change the outcome of the Münster mission and drastically change Buck and Bucky's fate.

I'd rather be in hell with you (Than in Heaven with somebody else) (681 words) also on AO3

Seeing John arrive in the Stalag, bruised and battered, brings Gale more joy than he's felt in days; until guilt knocks him off his feet. John is having none of it.

Driving In Your Car (I've Never Felt Safer) (790 words) also on AO3

Buck hasn't had enough sleep lately. Luckily for him, Bucky offers to drive him to the mess, allowing him to sleep for a few more minutes. Little does Bucky know that a sleepy and pining Buck proves to be devoid of the reserve he's accustomed to, and it isn't long before Bucky finds himself with a blush on his cheeks.

S'Cute (853 words) also on AO3 (clipped video of Bucky's "S'cute")

Gale is already looking at him, eyes bright and fond and loving, the golden light of the pub shining in his hair and creating perfect shadows on an already perfect face. He's cute. Gale's eyes widen a bit, a blush immediately finding its way onto his cheeks, and it's only then John realizes he’d spoken out loud. Alcohol made the words slur a bit in his mouth, coming out more as "S'cute" than an appropriate sentence but still Gale heard him. Now ducking his head shyly, a small pleased smile on his face, golden hair perfectly styled making him glow among the rest of them, he looks so sweet and handsome, and he's all Bucky's to love.

I'm On The Run With You, My Sweet Love (9,250 words) only on AO3

For the Prompts : "I don't want to move" + Lake Sex -- On a hot summer day, John and Gale enjoy an afternoon off-base at a nearby lake, far from the war and its destruction. They laugh, cuddle, kiss, talk about the future, with no one but the warm summer sun as their witness. Also they come. Twice.

Tell Me You're Going To Be Alright (I Don't Want The World To Turn Without You) (14,564 words) only on AO3

For the prompt : Classics - muse a tends to muse b’s wounds with more care than necessary -- Perhaps life really only started when he opened the door to his room in flight school and shook hands with Gale Cleven. Perhaps the twenty-four years before that were only to learn how his legs and arms worked to get him to this moment, where he learned how his heart did. Or After the Regensburg Mission, John cannot forget just how close he came to losing Gale forever. He copes how he can, tending to Gale's wounds, and holding him when the adrenaline leaves him and Gale can't keep up the officer façade anymore. He lets Gale take care of the cuts that adorned his face even though John had forgotten them. And then, when all the wounds have been treated, desperation to feel just how alive the other still is settles in, like a wildfire of urgency that not even the presence of their men a few feet away can soothe.

Half Of Your Heart Beats In My Chest | Clegan Vampire AU

HCs Part One

HCs Part Two

Dog!John

Dog!John and Meatball

Every inch of your skin is a Holy Grail I've got to find (3063 words) only on AO3

For the Prompt : Thigh or Stomach Kisses -- Kissing John might be one of Gale's favorite things in the world, but right now, there's nothing he desires more than to watch the other come undone beneath him. His left hand leaves dark curls to brace on one broad shoulder, giving him leverage to sit back up, even though he can't help but crane his neck to steal quick kisses. John starts leaning up on his elbows to chase him, and even if it makes something swell in his chest, Gale stops him with a hand on the valley of his chest, fingers tangling lightly on the dust of hair there to push him back down gently but firmly. "Don't," the word comes out as a rasp, arousal making his head swim as he straightens up. Beneath him, John whines pitifully, the sound high in his throat but he flops back down obediently, looking up at Gale with half-lidded eyes, chest heaving.

Clegan Royalty/Bodyguard AU

Moodboard + Premise

Our love, for eternity (1536 words) also on AO3

In all the years they’ve known each other and amongst all the different things they’ve done with and to each other, few things have felt as intimate as Gale kissing his hand, no matter how many times he’s done it. Each one feels like a vow, full of more emotions and words than anyone could ever see behind the gesture. Many people have brought John’s hand to their lips- or their forehead, an alternative he prefers with strangers, he has to admit- in a sign of loyalty. But Gale always does it in absolute devotion and love, so sincere and raw it never fails to tighten John’s throat with so many emotions he cannot name until he almost chokes on them. To all assembled in the throne room today, it is a common gesture meant to show utmost servitude to a monarch. To John, it’s timeless proof there is no one more devoted to him and his heart than the man currently kneeling at his feet. There’s a reverence in how Gale does it. -- After two weeks apart, Gale and John are finally reunited, and though they cannot greet each other as they would like, the eyes of too many on them, they still find a way to show just how much they've missed the other.

Disclaimer : Anything written here is purely about the actors' portrayal in the Apple TV show, no disrespect to any of the real guys intended of course :)

Band Of Brothers/The Pacific Masterlist Navigation

#masters of the air #mota #mota fic #clegan #buck x bucky #buck squared #clegan fic #vampire au #john bucky egan #gale buck cleven

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