#that I will be alone for choosing peace
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sometimes I want to post stuff I've written while in the feels but I also worry about clogging the blog with irrelevant stuff
I guess I'll rant in the tags but sometimes I try to do therapeutic writing and it helps but s i g h
#sehtoast rambles#I just... I had a really good day. a really fucking good past 24 hours. but someone had to say something#something fucked and rude and something that they'd be *hurt* if someone said to them#but because it was me. because it was to a trans person who they know is insecure about said topic... it was just fine#it's always okay for people to remind us of what we lack. but if we did it back... there'd be true hell to pay#idk i just feel like dog water now. always just the most insane pain that nothing I do or become will ever be enough#that I will be alone for choosing peace#and every fucking day. somehow some way someone throws it all in my face#I just want to feel like I'm worthy of anything#but I'm so often reminded that I'm not#all i wanted was to know I made someone I care about happy#I don't even fucking want anything in return. but it was nice to think for a second the interest might have been mutual.#for even a fuckin fraction of a second#then someone completely uninvolved reminded me that I lack and the person I care for won't look past that.#and I know objectively... those aren't the person I care for's words#but it still hurts to know my happiness needed to be shot down simply because I chose to find peace with my vessel#and I should be reminded at every opportunity that my peace is nothing so long as someone can find a laugh at the expense of it#and remind me that I will never be enough
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everybody! quick! tell me what aro joy means to you <2
#i will go first. breaking the boundaries set in place by the systems of love and romance is so cool#and i feel like it opens up so many possibilities.#like i've said in a poem before aromanticism to me is not a lack of anything it's an opening of the world before me...#it is also! the fact that i have had to contend with the thought of a future living my life alone#and now i am not only at peace with it but so happy with the idea. so overjoyed at the thought of spending my life with myself.#self esteem and delight and choosing what you want and making a life that is really and truly your own#without society's expectations changing it and without someone else's expectations changing it#AND. being sexy as fuck. aromanticism to me#if you don't feel aro joy rn you are not allowed to bemoan the experience on this post. i care dearly for you but go find another post.#before you do that though. take a second and look through the notes... hopefully people will have put some good stuff in there...#it is hard to get to the point of aromanticism bringing you joy sometimes BUT. by fucking god you can get there.#and it is so so fantastic...#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#talking#aspec#aroace#aro positivity#aro joy#aromantic positivity
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blocking tags my beloved 🥰
#I got a TikTok today for a fandom I find#✨triggering✨#(it was so random too like bro. I don’t go here anymore and never will again leave me alone with your niche TikTok’s)#so I blocked the user and then was like ‘girl why don’t you have the name of this fandom community blocked’#SO I BLOCKED IT#(I had a few more specific fandom words blocked already but I muted a bunch of more general ones)#and it felt so good#blocking is just protecting your peace it’s self care it’s protection against things that hurt you#and I tho k that’s beautiful#*think#lol#cadence rambles#personal#no hate to anyone in this community that will remain unnamed#I just simply choose to pretend they don’t exist for my peace of mind 🥰#blocking is also a huge sign of self control like? in June I would’ve spiraled but here in October I blocked and moved on😌#HERE WE ARE IN THE FUTURE AND ITS BRIIIIGHTTT
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Ok so I thought the piano scene was just going to be a one shot but I’m plagued by visions, so enjoy:
#here’s my writing#the second chapter is really short I know#but I didn’t choose this#the ideas just wouldn’t leave me alone#I just want to play piano in peace but the call to write is holding me hostage#this might become a 5 + 1 or maybe a 4 + 1 idk#idk#descendants#descendants ror#rise of red#red of hearts#red of wonderland#chloe charming#red x chloe#charminghearts
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Okay but like
How much of the Tolkien fandom is homophobic?? Because from my experience Tolkien nerds are always either very homophobic or very queer positive, and I have no clue what the pie chart would show for how large each population is. It’s made me quite afraid of the fandom because I don’t know how to end up in only the gay parts and have had too many unpleasant encounters with the homophobic parts…
I know my exposure is only to a specific set of fans, so I don’t feel like I have enough experience to estimate and I’m just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#sam and frodo out here being jonathan and david levels of obvious#and yet the christians will wail if i choose to see them as more than besties#i have no issue with christians but i’m t i r e d#i’m so tired of people throwing a fit just because their homophobia reacts with my gay#let me read my books in peace i want left alone#but maybe i’ve just been exposed to a loud minority in the fandom?#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#tolkien#lotr#silmarillion#sam and frodo#bagginshield#is also a super cute interpretation#i know tolkien didn’t write Gay on purpose#but for valar’s sake let me ship fictional characters in peace
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beyond grateful for the people that are surrounding me in my life, just as i am grateful for the people i’ve parted ways with, for without them, i would not be the person i am today.
#i have left so many people throughout my life#and#if someone would ask me if i’d regret any choice i’ve made i would say no#i regret hurting people yet i wouldn’t change a thing if i could#without the suffering the sacrifices and the lessons i would not be the person i am today that i can finally say i’m proud of#whenever i read the question “would you want to be your friend if you’d meet yourself?” deep down my answer was no#i was a good friend and i always tried my best to be there for everyone#but i was so blinded and overwhelmed by my pain that i tried so hard not to project on others that it was exactly the thing i’ve done#i was extremely caring sensitive loving and selfless but my ”bad“ traits were just as extreme#my emotions were so overwhelming that they were scattered all over the place that it didn’t allow me to have any control over them#i used to be so terrified of being alone. all i’ve felt was a great loneliness that was residing within me#until i’ve gathered the strength to leave an entire friendgroup with people that meant the world for me#they weren’t good for me anymore just as i wasn’t for them#since that day i’ve grown a lot i became a better and healthier version of myself#i learned how to be alone and to find the peace in it and in myself#all i’ve had was Allah swt. and He is all i will ever need.#without the hardships in terms of friendship i wouldn’t have been able to learn how to be alone and love and enjoy it#without it i could not say that i could easily give up the people in my life#i could if i had to bc i have Allah swt.#but i’ve learned how to choose and to choose the right people#i don’t need you and never will but i choose you bc i want you in my life and i think that makes it so much more special#i can finally say that i love the person i am today and can’t wait to see myself grow even more as the cycle of growing is never ending#I still have so much to learn and I will let it come to me with open arms#an open mind and an open heart#above all the most precious gift i’ve earned is to learn how to have tawakkul.#everything that happens every trial that is afflicted upon us has meaning#and it’s beautiful.#being able to pick out the khair in everything is the biggest blessing#alhamdulillah for the things that bruised my soul alhamdulillah for the things that mended it#alhamdulillah for everything bc truly; Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.
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i am alive... summer has just grabbed me by the throat. 😔✌🏻
#◜𝐋 ◞ ⸻ ⃰⊹ ooc#* i am choosing peace & standing alone in the dark#* i see new followers im so embarrassed hiiiii hiii hellooo welcome to OUR dungeon were we eat everything including YOU.
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Nobody fucking talk to me i just finished rewatching arcane and it was DEVASTATING I need to KILL
#i have some thoughts marinating about silco and loyalty especially in the last episode#and his relationship with jinx and sevika and vander and ough#its marinating its marinating#but like. vander's philosophy is loyalty above all else and the lanes reflect that when hes in charge#silco's philosophy is that every one betrays him/jinx and that's why he can fight piltover#unlike vander he doesnt care about the casualties or the suffering he causes because hes all alone. he cant trust anyone#but then last episode vander makes TWO choices that put loyalty above all else#the whole show we see silco's power crumbling. the chembarons are riled up marcus dies so he has no pawns in piltover etc#but he makes the decision to trust sevika's loyalty (even says 'i still believe in loyalty')#and bc of that she eradicates a threat for him. she kills finn and picks up his lighter (symbolising power) and gives it to silco#and THEN he chooses not to give jinx up not even to achieve an independent zaun#(granted we dont see it come to fruition)#but in making that choice he assures jinx's loyalty to him even after his death#silco was willing to give up everything hed worked for for jinx and so jinx gave up the chance of reconciliation with vi to achieve their#mutual goal#like. silco had made plans for peace and in setting off the rocket jinx destroyed that possibility#but silco was never gonna go for thag deal anyway AND silco was dead#like jayce said you cant make a deal with a snake and cut off its head#the deal was never gonna work. instead she returned to their original plan of building and using a weapon against piltover#which is the plan silco would have returned to if hed been alive given he wasnt gonna follow through on the deal for peace#so yeah. silcos undercity is built on power rather than loyalty but his control is fracturinf the whole time#its ultimately loyalty which keeps him in power and achieves his goals#ALSO the line 'is there anything so undoing as a daughter' is interesting here#because vander gave up his idealogy of pacifism to protect those he cares about in order to save vi#he gives into violence once again because its the only way to save her from silcos goons#but silco gives into loyalty and turns his back on his vision of a free zaun because of jinx#idkidk its all fun and muddled and hmmm#arcane
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On one hand I understand not making the Aeons playable makes them seem even more powerful and otherwordly, and also gives Hoyo more creative freedom with their designs.
On the other I would sell my soul, my firstborn, and both kidneys for Yaoshi on my team.
#crying screaming throwing up at the fact that we side against The Abundance#LIKE NO LET ME WORSHIP MY SANCTUS MEDICUS IN PEACE#me joining the cult like ''are you here for immortality'' ''screw that I just wanna see Yaoshi''#this while also choosing The Hunt in simulated universe all the time. the irony. the pain.#but still. lorewise I got beef with The Alliance. leave my aeon ALONE they did nothing wrong ever#''oh they cursed us'' bbg you cursed yourselves don't ask for rain and cry because you're wet#if Yaoshi has no defenders I am DEAD BURIED AND BRICKED#cube.rambles
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to be honest did I comment about daniil being out rome? no , and what about andrey being out? no problem I don’t mind it take some rest andrey oh and what about fritz losing against the abuser did I said something about it? no
well my people this is because I choose to be happy
rome has never happened
rome doesn’t even exist
#rome open 2024#andrey rublev#daniil medvedev#taylor fritz#alexander zverev#<-the abuser facing no consequences for his actions#i choose peace#atp tennis#leave me alone
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Unpopular opinion: I want Steve to die in season 5
(He can reunite with his dead blondie bf in the afterlife)
#steve harrington#i didnt want to in s4 but i made my peace now#he really should die at least that would stop the whole debate jancy stancy thing like my girl can finaly choose#hes been through so much and has no important arc left besides wanting to be with nancy (again)#my take is that he sacrificed at the last moment to save nancy and he dies in her arms or whatever and wishes her to be happy#then he’s reborn in another life to be with billy the end#because i cannot take another bad writing shit from the duffel bags like leave my boy alone#you know what everyone should just die so they can at least escape the duffel bags’ bad writing that way#i said what i said#harringrove#harringroveera#steve harrington memes#incorrect steve harrington#steve harrington edit
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nicky is never not pissing me off he is dumb as rocks
#do you think his head whistles when the wind blows#nfl#49ers#nick bosa#anyway i choose peace😇#he aint alone in that locker room tho L O L#they're just better pr trained (looking at u christian)
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Is it bad that I don’t want to give birth? Like, I told some of my friends and family that I don’t want to give birth and they told me that I’d change my mind and I told them I wouldn’t and they get mad at me. I told them that I’d adopt kids instead to give them a home and living family but they say that doesn’t matter and count because they won’t be biological.
That's not bad at all!! I know a lot of people that feel the same way. Hell, I feel the same way. I don't want to give birth and I'm very against having children. I've known that pretty much my whole life since I was old enough to conceptualize children and parenthood (very young as a woman growing up in America), and I was always told I'd change my mind someday.
Well, it's been about 20 years and I haven't changed my mind at all. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. The constant societal pressure that every generation has gone through of "you have to have children otherwise your life is meaningless" has very much been challenged as of late with plenty of people realizing your life doesn't end as soon as you're old enough to have children. A lot of those people pushing that narrative shouldn't have had kids in the first place. The world would probably be a lot better off if people that didn't want kids but were pressured into it by society just hadn't given into that pressure.
There's plenty of neglected, abandoned children, and children in foster care that deserve love and support. So yeah, if you don't want to give birth, then there's nothing to feel bad about. You've made that decision and anyone that tries to tell you otherwise is only recycling the same societal pressures that probably made them have children they didn't want.
And if anyone says adopted or fostered children don't count, then kindly say fuck them and don't speak to them again. Same with people that say IVF or children born of surrogates. Just because you didn't give birth to your child no matter the reason, that doesn't make them "not your child." Hell I know there's people out there that say C-sections aren't "giving birth" because it wasn't natural.
Yeah, fuck those people and do what you want. It's your body, it's your life and they can either get over it or get out of your life 🤷
#pregnancy is horrifying some of the things that can happen#I've read through that list that person made on TikTok#the fact that no one talks about the horrors of pregnancy and birth is very telling#your life isn't any less meaningful if you choose not to have children or if you choose to have them by other means#be it adoption or fostering or IVF or surrogacy#kindly tell your family to accept you as you are#or tell them to fuck off and live your life in peace how you want to live it#they can support you or they can kindly leave you alone#that's what families are supposed to do#families that don't support their kids are the ones that shouldn't have had them in the first place#I'm sorry but it's true#they probably regret having kids so they're trying to force everyone else into it because they suffered so it's only fair you suffer to#getting preachy again dear Lord#let me calm down#anyway do what you want that's what i'm trying to say#there's nothing wrong with it#I don't ever plan on having children at all#because I hate children#they're nice from a distance but do not bring them close to me#always been like that#it's never changed#answered#queue 06
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on april 1st, 2019, a boy time traveled from the past and witnessed the aftermath of an apocalypse that wiped out the entire earth, reducing every human being to ash
every human being but one, whose corpse seemed eerily intact
on april 2nd, 2019, the corpse woke up
#um. one hell of a meetcute right 😭#im so so obsessed with their first meeting guys okay. im obsessed with everything about them really#everything about them meeting being so oddly fated (five always being meant to time travel and stop the apocalypse + arion being interested#in the mystery of his disappearances + the way he lives right across from The umbr.ella academy itself) vs the way they choose each other#AFTER that (five choosing to stay in the wasteland longer than he could have because he doesn't want to leave arion alone + arion choosing#to stay with him and help him and care for his family and stop the apocalypse even though he literally can't die and it doesn't concern him#something something#anyway yeah hi jdsgkjdshvsgj hello :')#ari.art#if i could never give you peace.♡#mine#tw blood#ask to tag
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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i should make a deal with my family that’s like ‘i can wash dishes and do other chores for you if you promise to PLEASEpleasevpleade please. not bother me’
#HEADPHONES I NEED HEADPHONES#i can perform soooo well if you just. assure me peace and quiet and sanity#and barring that- if you want to be noisy- then do NOT sneak up on me and try to communicate w me when i have my headphones on#i cannot hear you and i don’t want to take my dirty or wet hands and put em on my phone or headphones to pause the music#or even just take em off for a second#and bothering to dry my hands everytime is annoying#leave me alone pls i can help you but i need some peace#quite genuinely my own sensory and psychological aversions to my family play such a huge role in my apparent incompetence around the house#actually i’m a very functional adult on my own i simply shut down and hide around others#even when they’re not even being bad it just makes my *gestures vaguely to undiagnosed mental disorder or illness* flare up#choosing to run and hide is straight up my personal coping mechanism#’haha maria is lazy and she can’t even cook’ the family kitchen is the death zone you idiot#peach rambles
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