#than many of my peers
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I aspire to be a Himbo but my physics degree and weasel physique have cursed me to a very different categorization
#no matter how many weights I lift I will never be shaped like kronk#my entire family’s genetics is summed up as ‘shaped like David tennant’#even during my ‘pudgy’ phase of puberty I was still getting called skinny by strangers#I still lift don’t worry#I want to be stronk#but i cannot build muscle mass like that#no one in my family ever has#and on the other side#literally I have wished to be stupid ever since I realized I was smarter than other kids my age#3 or 4?#literally not for one second was that something I was proud of#I never EVER thought I was better than my peers because I was ‘smarter’#I lamented the fact that they could be happy and I couldn’t#and I wanted to just stop understanding things#I wanted to not know#they hated me for not being on their level#and I hated me for the same reason#I cannot express how much this is NOT false modestly like ‘oh I was so smart’ like it was a disability#I stg no one should have this high of an IQ it’s literally BAD#because I mentally understood things I was 8 billion percent not ready to understand emotionally#kids should progress incrementally and grow up and learn things when they are emotionally grown enough to process them#no one should be three and watching the news and comprehending the logistics of war and politics#but having a three year olds level of emotional regulation#there is a certain level of ‘smart’ where suddenly it’s very very very bad for you and you’re going to have a horrible life because of it#there should be a medication to treat high IQ’s and I’m being so fr
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Genuinely such a fucking trip to hear my father parroting white genocide bullshit. Oughhh the white people are disappearing from these places oh noooOooO I “wonder why”... Disrespectfully what do you think you achieved by marrying a Japanese woman from Japan and having three entire half Japanese, Not White children with extremely obviously Not White names that you agreed to give them? Do you think that perhaps, maybe, this is what is happening to make white people ~mysteriously disappear~ ? Genuinely what the hell are you on. Look any of your three children in the face and tell us any of us looks convincingly white. No one can even tell I’m mixed race at all do you think anyone would be counting me as part of the white population when conducting the census to find where the white people have disappeared to. Do you need the white people to carve a mysterious message on a tree detailing where they’ve gone that you can also ignore so you can keep puzzling over this mystery
#AAAAAAAAUGHH#MOTHERFUCKER!!#Con stop yapping#my white traits are that I am slightly paler than many of my full East Asian peers and that I have stupid fine hair#historically we have continued to have incidents when people (in japan) will suddenly find out I’m not full Japanese and this is some kind#of a problem bc they couldn’t tell or whatever#buddy.
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[chanting doggedly into my bathroom mirror while white-knuckling the sink] i will not envy those who have things i do not want i will not envy those who have things i do not want i will not envy those who have things i do not want
#sometimes i see people posting instagram pics with their childhood and college friends and i'm a little jealous#then i remember that there are like. reasons i'm not in touch with some of my former childhood and college friends#and i still have my best friend from college and many wonderful people in my life#i just briefly got caught up the fantasy where that part of my life was entirely different than it is#honestly justice for those of us who didn't have that good of a time in school socially speaking#i think i thought in college i would end my streak of being a kid who was better at talking to adults than my peers#but i just went to college and was like damn why do i get along so well with my middle-aged professors#like i have great mentors and i'm very grateful for them and for the friends i have#i just sometimes wish i'd gone somewhere with fewer proto-finance bros#personal nonsense
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hiya l'il-- medium?...large?? Assorted Sizes-Guy
oh thanks! i could always use more spices-
. what am i supposed to do with this.
#surrounded by henchmen (smaller Me's) i peer reproachfully into my inbox#2: ...get him pregnant?#*slaps 2 upside the head* you absolute GOON he's ALREADY pregnant we can't get him DOUBLE pregnant#2: well... why not? if creatures can have two uteri then i don't see why--#Me: *drags my hand down my face* yes i know but. just. dont#3: Picture this. your snake wife is so full and round (because who knows how many snakelets are in there)#3: one day he has to stop working much earlier than usual. u kno. cuz of the MASS. and he starts getting insecure about his body changes#3: so he touches his tummy . looks up at you with those big eyes and murmurs 'am i... unsightly like this?'#3: and u whisper reassurances to him while kissing his face#3: then u promptly rail him on the nearest comfortable surface to erase any doubt of him being unattractive#Me: ..............WHAT THE FUFK?#3: *shrugs aggressively while maintaining eye contact*#Me: NO. pregnancy isn't even our kink. why are we-#3: not YOUR kink maybe#Me: *incredulous stare* how the-- you know what . Go to the timeout zone. i'm not dealing with this today#4: the ask says 'snakumo' though. Wouldn't he be in snake form then...?#3: so? THIS CHANGES NOTHING.#Me: GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#3: *rolls eyes and mutters while walking away*#5: who's greg?#4: dude you can't be serious. if WE know the meme then YOU know the meme#5: i'm serious. i haven't been online in 16 years#4: look. when you wonder if sex will hurt baby top of head-#Me: WHY ARE WE DISCUSSING THIS?#2: because we are currently engaged in a circle of ppl squicked by pregnancy... who must make pregnancy jokes#4: it's all about the joke potential ya see. gigglemaxxing#Me: *massaging my temples* i'm not ready to be a father. i never will be.#6: KNOCK HIM UP AND EAT HIS EGGS SO U CAN KNOCK HIM UP AGAIN. NO ONE SAID YOU HAVE TO BE A FATHER !#3: (muffled from a distance) HELL YEAH BROTHER#Me: SHUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I hate that I have reoccurring themes in everything I make. YES this guy has a complex over the fact that everyone prefers his sibling AGAIN. YES he was ostracized by his peers since he was in primary school and never knew why until years later. URGH
#i dont know why the siblings thing ends up coming up as often as it does (read: i know exactly why) but uuurggh#do you ever. have an inside joke with your sibling that your abusive dad prefers you over them and it's so established it's casual banter#but everyone you've ever tried to be sincere with (your mother; your peers) have consistantly preferred your sibling over you#even your own friends and kids who were closer to your age range than theirs#do you ever have a conversation with your best friend where they tell you that at first they didn't want to be friends with you#because you were ''too Weird''#do you ever get praised by a friend who says she envied you in middle school because you ''never cared about being different''#meanwhile you had no idea you were different and just couldn't fucking fix it#it took me that to understand that people avoided me because i was Weird. i thought the reason i had no friends was bc i was shy#that and the fact that i Didnt Know What Was Socially Acceptable Or Not and other kids were scared of me bc i was ''to blunt''#i have learned to value honesty over nearly everything else but that's only because i wish everyone else did the same.#literally everything i write has a main protagonist with low to no emotional empathy. like. ok#every character i write has that thing where they always felt like they were a monster for not feeling the right things. mh#i wonder how that might reflect on how my whole world came crashing down once i realised emotional empathy is A Real Thing#and not just a lie people made up for virtue signaling#''there's no way people /literally/ feel sad /for/ other people. they just know rationally that it's bad'' deep sigh.#anyway thats why i will never shut up about the fact that empathy is morally neutral and not a prerequisite for being a ''''good person''''#emotions are morally neutral. thats why we say all emotions are valid. thats why thought crimes aren't real#in short: you will pry human!au no empathy janus and autistic remus from my cold dead hands#i have. so many fucking thoughts.#janus is literally JUST like ME for REAL#except for the lying mostly because i !!! taught myself out of that#THE AMOUNT OF WORK I HAVE DONE ON MYSELF. I HAVE CLAWED MY WAY OUT OF THE TRENCHES OF MENTAL ILLNESS ON MY OWN AND I AM PROUD OF THAT#MAYBE it's because i can never open up to anyone ever BUT it's also because im SKILLED and SWAG and SELF-AWARE and THE BEST EVER. and MODEST#rant#the tag rambler strikes again . apologies
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You ever think about how the majority of cishet men who either write or star in popular media whose fandoms go absolutely wild (being degenerates) in ways that influence not only international fandom media but even seep into traditional/budgeted/industry media probably don't realise just how much their characters specifically had to do with that, like even the ones that are vaguely aware of and uncomfortable with the way fandom ships them or whatever, they don't know, they don't know what they've done, they don't knowww
#this is my brain after taking psychic damage from strange aeons' new omegaverse video#also girl WTF DO YOU MEAN THERE WILL BE MORE OMEGAVERSE VIDEO AFTER THIS ONE WHAT DO YOU MEAANNNN#strange aeons#like do you think benedict cucumberbatch knows he is the reason there's omegaverse in east asian published media now???#what if he finds out#what would it do to his brain#would he even be able to fully comprehend it#will he and so many others die in blissful ignorance of the consequences of their actions#the true sexism of media is that cishet industry men don't need to take the psychic damage from their media sphere that I do#the true sexism of media is that steven moffat gets to look at the fandom girlies writing smut abt his shows#and misogynistly dismiss them as crazy perverts and bad women and make fun of them in said shows#while I have to sit here and take them seriously bc they are my fandom peers and I know women are people just like everyone else#and these crazy perverts are real life humans with brains a decent portion of whom are better writers than steven moffat#and get paid 0% of the £££ he does for it#how can we force A list actors and their relevant writers to watch strange aeons videos this is my question#how can we rob them of their innocence like the rest of us who've had to see their fans get up to shit
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what even is an AI-powered google search . what even is an AI-chat . I’ll kill you
#truly . truly . it boils my blood#like . you type in your query . it answers . when it’s a straightforward question it’s often times correct . cool! where the fuck are you#getting your information from#it is not transparent with its sources . literally anything is better than using ai chat becaue at least you can check the sources#people shit on wikipedia but at least it’s actually fucking peer reviewed and i can verify myself through the many sources they require you#to link . jesus christ#jay rants#throttling every single stupid tech bro and big dumbass tech company thats forced ai down our throats#to the point where it’s actively started impacting my studies . none of our profs can implicitly trust us anymore and instead of receiving#the time we need to write a coherent and well thought out essay at home we have to write one in class in an hour/an hour and a half . lord#if ur gonna fucking plagiarise at least be a moral plagiariser and actually collect the information yourself instead of relying on a self#cannibalising synthesis machine to do it for you#longing for the return to when machine learning was still used as a complementary tool in professions where it was actually useful
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checking out theodore tugboat right now and all I can say is that foduck would really benefit from reading the dsm v
#zin.txt#my beautiful princess with various personality disorders. please talk to me.#I don't think I'm joking like atp he's DEFINITELY an undiagnosed autism and ocd haver. maybe bpd too.... many such cases#which is why he's always like ''I don't know why I feel like this''or ''I'm so sorry I don't know why I did that''#him get upset over his coworkers stopping in the middle of work#going back and forth between valuing himself and feeling incredibly lesser than his peers because he is told to guard the docks#and cannot go out to the ocean#thus making his V title ''not worth anything'' according to him#''Im so important and nobody will get their job done without me''#[5 minutes later]#''I am not a part of the team because I cannot go out to the ocean and my Vigilant title has no meaning''#also the way he views his friends always changes like#one minute he's doting on them and cheering them on#next minute he's angry and agitated and dislikes them#next minute he's alll sorry and worried and anxious. curious indeed#living rent free inside my head and his neighbors are gordon and boomer
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I love the cod age discourse bc it’s always like omg X has to be at least 40!!? That means X is 50+?? As if that’s not the prime for most (active!! healthy!!) men agahsk
#one of my best friends is 78 LOL and he moves around better than half my peers deadass#(23)#It’s just so funny so many people think u turn to ash at 35#like no baby that’s if you live… a sedentary life.#these men are moving !!!
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need some of you guys to remember that autism isn’t always about difficulties in communication/development and that sometimes it literally is just differences.
#lou speaks#i communicate horribly with people my age and exceptionally well with those older than me#i’ve never had many friends my age#i developed wayyyy faster than my peers#i was hyperlexic well spoken and extremely mature at a very young age.#i truly do get the sentiment that differences are just difficulties but with more steps but like.#this is why i still don’t have an official diagnosis#because all the people who would say “hey maybe he should get diagnosed” are the same people that i have 0 trouble communicating with#so they don’t see any issues#sigh#autism
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have not left bed today + found out another friend got locked up + want to beat up every single adult that saw what was happening to me and looked away or actively made it worse
#personal#vent#suicide mention tw#i need to call her. last time we talked she said she was going to kill herself if she got incarcerated again#i love her. nothing makes me more angry at so many systems than trying to do suicide support with my friends who are locked up#trying to do this shit over the phone with people listening in. trying to figure out what meaningful support we can even give#because when she says that death is better than months of solitary i know exactly how she feels and what she means and i cannot fucking#most of the skills mainstream peer support has ever taught me are useless in that situation and my best is not enough#there are so many places that need to be burnt down.#there are so many people i love who are not out and it starts to kill me a little bit#and cops are starting to fuck with us here more. i've gotten bruised up a couple times from being shoved around#nothing too bad yet but just#jesus christ#sorry for coming on here to vent all the time but my offline life is a little crazy at the moment and half this shit i can't talk about irl#i honestly think i need to like. start learning how to fight properly again. bc i have so much anger right now#and learning how to actually fight sounds like a better idea then fucking off and getting into random fights like i used to#idk. will look into it
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dysgraphic artiƨts risɘ UP!!!!!
#raise your pencils!!!! and erasers. to fix the backwards letters 😔#sorry still thinking about my weirdness with my art professors. yknow a lot of em have been really pushing us as#students to make our personal identities a major part of like our 'brand' as artists#which. well from an art history major perspective thats a very contentious and nuanced topic. i love a lot of artists who live this way#and i think its great seeing my peers who focus on identity thrive. but also as an fine arts major (double major fool LOL)#i keep getting pushed by teachers into like. specific '____ artist' identities???#specificaly woman artist. which is a little bizarre because im a bit fat and a bit gnc so im generally like. ungendered? in day-to-day life#(which doesnt actually matter to me directly that much honestly LOL people tend to view me as like. buddy? buddy or pal.)#(not man. not woman. not anything human. sometimes i remind people of a beloved dog. which. hkdsahjk thats its own can of worms)#(a can of worms that also doesnt matter much to me directly because im a wannabe furry who chose to be the dog when playing house as a kid)#(LOL so um. well. theres that) but yeah i dunno i dont really consider myself a woman artist. its been. shockingly (and sometimes luckily?)#irrelevant to most of my life and experiences and art (although dont get me wrong misogyny is very real and very present) so i dont#have a whole lot to say about it from an art perspective. you could also call me all kinds of things. a queer artist. a mixed race artist#again technically correct. some aspects more visible in my work than others. but also very technical. i focus on race a lot in in my#art historical work but i dunno how much my drawings have to say. except that i keep making too many mixed ocs LOL#i dunno i just think my professors gotta focus that energy away from tokenizing me and over to supporting like actual#capital W Woman artists capital Q Queer artists capital A Artists of Colour who are doing far more interesting things than I#far more thought out and engaged in these topics directly. i just kind of stumble into my art blindly and confused <3#sorry that was a long tangent WHAT IM SAYING Is despite all that: i do consider myself a capital D Dysgraphic artist#i think its an unmovable constant of my art and the way i draw and the way my hands move. the untrained eye doesnt seem to be as aware#of it directly. but those who are familiar can probably see it. the dysgraphia LOL if not just from whenever i write a letter or number#half of them are busted and frantically fixed HDKJSDJDS but its in all my art. if u can see it <3 ive been trying to embrace it#dygraphic artists raise your pencils indeed!! and throw away the eraser!!! make the legibility of your words everyone elses problem!!!#what does that say? what is that sketch? none of my business! none of your business!! its the business of my hand and the pencil alone#motor skill and spatial issues take the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
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You know after finding radical feminism, and engaging with the theory seriously, I understand now what it means to be empowered. In the genuine, legitimate way. I feel like an actual human being, an actual animal, with actual thoughts and feelings that are HEARD. And UNDERSTOOD. By so many women of whom I was taught to dismiss and scorn.
Like I stopped shaving a few weeks ago. I feel empowered to do that, having been given the tools to stand up against the glares and the snide comments.
I stopped wearing makeup a few months ago. I felt empowered to do that, realising that my actual human face is worth something more than a decoration.
I started eating well and working out. I felt empowered to do that, having come to the realisation that I'm a human being with thoughts and desires and what the fuck was I doing with my life if I wasn't becoming the buff, athletic, energetic woman I dreamed about becoming as a child.
All of these things are not offered by liberal feminism. All of these things are sidelined as a choice that some women...."you know the type"..... did when they were scared and angry and stupidly lashing out at the poor men and their 'simple expectations for women's hygiene'. BULLSHIT.
I'm working on grounding myself in my own pov, one that isn't an invisible male audience. I'm arming myself with the knowledge to fight back against anti-feminist movements, and how to identify them. I'm working on centring women, and thinking critically about my own actions in relation to ALL of this.
How the fuck have I missed all of this for the majority of my life. I am a HUMAN BEING???????!? NOT A DECORATION????!?!?!???? Literally mind blowing, and
I never noticed it until now????????.
Every woman in my life is traditionally feminine. I believe they will shun me for being an extremist if I express my anger at the patriarchy. Idk but if this is extreme what the fuck is normal. Who made this up. When can I kill him 😭
#a rant today followers#spurred on by the violent urge to shave#and me impulsively buying a razor after i threw mine out#its HARSH#i havent shaven but its such a compulsion and i just feel so sorry for the women who think its a choice#theyve never tried to stop and it shows#i had to make a decision that felt like i was literally pushing against the coding walls in Detroit become human#random ref but whatever#i have a long way to go and im not confident that i wont buckle sooner or later#but im breaking it down#nothing has empowered me more than the things people have FOUGHT for women not to understand#seeing men as second class citizens (as mean as it is)(even just ideologically) has leveled the playing field#and explained so many of my male peers actions in ways that i couldnt articulate before#its literally even now. how is this a fate worthy of death in liberal circles#anyways here's to a long a prosperous ugly feminist phase 🥂#theres nothing more beautiful to me#feminism#radical feminism#radblr#radical feminist#radical feminist safe#radical feminists do interact#radical feminists do touch#radical feminist community#radfem#radfems do touch
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Idk it's weird because when discussing discrimination against trans men specifically, people tend to bring up like... being told men are gross or that you're betraying the feminist cause or something. And while those are shitty and mean-spirited things to say to somebody, what I would actually identify as a kind of specific systemic form of discrimination is the exclusion of transgender men from studies and surveys, and the relative ease with which people simply forget that we exist. Erasure, basically. Which honestly, seemed to be discussed more before the advent of whatever the current movement around trans men's struggles is called now, because there wasn't a metric fuckload of incomprehensible discourse surrounding it.
Most other things that seem to come up, while very real and very shitty, are not unique to us per se, though I do feel we are often left out of the conversation because it's assumed that they won't apply to us (ex domestic violence, fear of sexual assault, fear of being seen as a predator, accusation of transitioning for fetishistic purposes, assumption that we are transitioning to escape being gay, being denied access to fertility procedures without detransitioning, on and on and on). Which is also annoying.
I just find myself irritated by the current movement around trans men's experiences because there's some really pervasive problems in there that I do feel are systemic and underaddressed, mixed in with some stuff that's a problem but better addressed by putting one's energy into existing movements, mixed in with bonkers intercommunity drama that only matters if you're only friends with other queer people in an accepting area.
#if you find this stance objectionable PLEASE message me and don't block or silently seethe at me. please.#because i genuinely find this interesting and i think it's a shame that it seemed to devolve into pointless infighting so fast#like i would love it if somebody wrote an up to date book about feminism and trans men because of this. or at least made a good reading list#my investment in this is primarily because i am A. a feminist B. often perceived as a woman and C. a trans man myself#and i feel that there is a profound difference between how i experience misogyny and how cis female friends do#and has been pretty much since i got old enough for my peers to consciously express sexism#and i would very much like it if somebody smarter than me put that into words#like to be clear there's not really a ' side ' i would pick on this#other than like transmisogyny is a huge problem and most people are unwittingly transmisogynistic#and that trans men deal with a lot of bullshit wrt other people's baggage about maleness and are largely invisibles to many cis people
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i would love to be a more engaged member of the prsk fandom on tumblr but i fear even here that i am just a fundamentally different person than the common fan. not to mention like 5 years older
#not /neg its just an unavoidable truth#i just inherently ingage w this story differently than others -- especially those who are peers to the ocs.#also many common/popular takes i disagree with in part or in full wwwwww#im also just bad at messaging ppl i fear.#man idk if ur a wxs fan and ur 18 or older and wanna shoot the breeze message me and ill give u my discord.#preemptive warning i don't like 💜💛 outside of unit polyship (not using the name so this doesn't go in their tag)#i feel like thats important to say www just so ppl don't get blindsided by how i daf abt yaoi
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dc fic writers with male faves not caring about female characters whatsoever -> accidentally making their male favs sexist
even the dudebro canon writers have the guy characters ask her 'hey you seem down... didnt you kill your dad last week?' before going back to focusing on him. dc fic writers often won't include women at all, or if one does show up she's usually a hollow shell whose only purpose is to enrich your male fav's life and provide hurt/comfort and emotional first aid.
#begging the question: how are dudebro canon writers less sexist than many of you#sorry ive read a lot of great fics today but then ventured out of my peer reviewed bubble and immediately was met with misogyny#unfortunately none of you tag for misogyny you just kind of put it out there :)#by reinforcing constantly that women dont matter :)#theres a handful of batfam fics where i'll get invested in the story#and narrative and characterization of the guys#then realize ive gotten 50K in and there hasnt been a single woman even mentioned. let alone plot relevant#even in the most sexist eras of batfam women were still PRESENT. jesus fucking christ.#and in most of your FAVORITE eras? cass was there. and selina. and steph. and babs. and kate. and helena.#so where are they? :) i just wanna talk#oh? oh you only find the hashtag BROTHERS and their DAD compelling?#OH?#CURIOUS! do tell!#OH? oh you only find the m/m relationships and male friendships compelling?#SO CURIOUS........ tell me more.
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