#i love her. nothing makes me more angry at so many systems than trying to do suicide support with my friends who are locked up

[trans-axolotl]

have not left bed today + found out another friend got locked up + want to beat up every single adult that saw what was happening to me and looked away or actively made it worse

[randomlifex]

Without you I feel broken

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Go Kyungjun x fem!reader

Plot:Park Junhee was supposed to be executed,but what if you end up replacing him?

Warnings:mentions of death,bad language

Please notice:flashbacks are in italics

This story is a request

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Kyungjun opened his eyes as soon as the alarm went off; then he left his hiding place.

That would’ve been one of the many other mornings spent in that awful game, which wasn’t good, but what made it worse was the idea you had been executed instead of that jerk of Park Junhee.

“Vote for me, I’m the mafia” Junhee said. His friends looked at him, then at each others, then at yn. She didn’t really know what to say:she was scared but, at the same time, Kyungjun knew she wanted to save the class president…it was no news she loved him.

“He’s not the mafia. Vote for me” yn mumbled, but Kyungjun refused to do that.

“Ko Kyungjun has voted for Park Junhee” the robotic voice said, making everyone turn around

“I said to vote for me, he’s not the mafia” the girl repeated herself

“I don’t trust him-Kyunjung shook his head-we should all vote for him”

“Lee Yoonseo voted for yn yln”

“I’m sorry” Yoonseo whispered.

Of course she would’ve never voted for Junhee, Kyungjun was sure about that, that was why he wasn’t really bothered by it; what he didn’t like was how everyone followed her, kicking you out instead of Junhee, who got only one vote:Kyungjun’s.

“Y’all are a bunch of idiots” the punk growled, ready to throw hands, but you stopped him by grabbing his arm.

He turned around, his eyes softened as soon as he met yours, and his lips curved into an upside down smile:he didn’t want you to die. He would’ve never tolerated that, otherwise he wanted to get out of there with you. You were the only persone he actually cared about; you weren’t a rebound, nor a stupid minion he used to scare his classmates and waste some free time with…you were special to him. Special like no one else.

He repressed the instinct of beating everyone up and let a crumb of vulnerability slip out, dragging you in a desperate hug, way more desperate than what it looked like to his classmates. Kyungjun buried his face in between your hair, eyes shut as he was trying to enjoy his first and last hug before saying goodbye; then, he left to hide, promising himself that he would’ve avenged you.

While looking for your body he clung to his promise, jaw clenched as anger had taken over every cell of his system:

“They will pay for it, all of them” he growled, stopping his rush as soon as he saw you lying on the ground.

He kneeled down, holding your upper body in between his arms:you were so pale it made him shiver. He wasn’t used to that scenario as you had always looked so lively and energetic.

Kyungjun’s eyes were burning and his lips were trembling:he had never cried before, nothing at all, he was the one making people cry, but somehow the cards on the table had been turned.

He looked around to check if any of those bastards had gathered to show you even a small amount of respect,however no one was there.

Kyungjun got even more angry. Yes, he for sure was the bad guy…but were his classmates better than him? No they weren’t, they were just a bunch of hypocrites.

“The doctor has saved yn yln” the robotic voice suddenly said, making Kyungjun rise his head.

The boy blinked confused as a wave of sudden relief crossed his heart

“Yn” he called you, gently shaking your body.

You slowly opened your eyes, bringing into focus the boy’s features

“W-what happened?” you whispered, trying to collect some strength to sit, but Kyungjun had to help you

“You just…came back. The doctor healed you”

“Really?-you finally sat, looking around to see if your loved one was alright- where’s Junhee?” you asked to Kyungjun once you didn’t see him around. The boy didn’t answer, he just gulped.

In that moment the realisation hit you, and sadness took over the other emotions:Junhee wasn’t there to check on you, it didn’t matter how much you tried to protect him and help him through that awful game. Nothing had ever made your heart ache like that.

You burst into a mess of sobs and tears, resting your head on Kyungjun’s chest. The boy hugged you tightly, trying his best to comfort you.

“I did that for him and he’s not even here…” you cried, holding onto Kyungjun’s shirt

“He’s not, but…-he stuttered-I am”

You looked at him, caressing his cheek with one of your hands:his skin was soft but wet

“You cried” you mumbled; but Kyunjun didn’t answer, he just looked away.

A warm smile made his way through your sobs as you left a kiss on Kyungjun’s forehead:

“I almost wasted my life on someone who didn’t deserve it, I’ll be sure to not make the same mistake again” you said, hugging the boy.

[teacasket]

AITA for upstaging my partner’s aunt?

u/Complacent_Chicken915

genre: fluff au: non-idol au warnings: swearing word count: 0.7k   pairing: gn!reader x lee felix

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I (28M) am married to my partner (28). We dated for six years and got married this year. I’ve met their family many times at parties and gatherings. I used to bring brownies to the events but stopped after my partner’s Aunt Camille made rude comments about them. Before anyone asks, my brownies aren’t bad. I used to work part-time at a bakery in college, so I have some professional experience. The cousins love them, my in-laws love them, everyone but Camille thinks they’re great.

Some backstory about Camille: Camille is not her real name. It’s the name she picked for herself when she studied abroad in France thirty years ago in college. Camille thinks that because she spent three months in France, she’s more cultured about dessert than anyone else. She constantly talks shit about any dessert she didn’t make.

I stopped bringing my brownies because I was fed up with her comments. People were disappointed, but Camille’s so annoying that they understood. I just started dropping off the brownies at their houses instead.

During the last big family party three months ago, one of the cousins brought a homemade black forest cake. Of course, Camille belittled her. She made a sixteen year old girl cry! I usually try to stay out Camille's way, but what the fuck???

Last month, Camille invited us to her birthday party. We weren’t planning to go at first. But last night, Camille posted on Instagram the finished cake. To be honest, it looks ugly. For all her talk, she doesn’t know anything about decorating. So I decided to improve on her cake. After all, it’s her birthday.

Well, the party happened, and I brought a three tiered lemon cake with piped sunflowers. I even made some macarons for it. It was a pain in the ass to make, but it was all worth it to see Camille’s face when I walked in. Some of the family hadn’t seen the actual cake yet since Camille had it hidden away as a surprise, so they thought my cake was the birthday cake. Camille was livid, screaming at me for “upstaging me on her special day” and that she “knew [I] was an asshole from day one.” Her mom tried to calm her down, but she just got more upset. My partner and I left soon after.

I got a few angry texts later saying I shouldn’t have provoked her because I knew how she would react. Cakes are her thing too, so extra salt in the wound. I’ve been feeling a little guilty since other people are dealing with the blowback, not me. My partner doesn’t think I did anything wrong, but they also hate Camille, so I don’t know if I can trust their judgment on this. So Reddit, AITA?

Edit: Just wanted to answer a couple of questions. My partner was completely supportive of me making the cake. In fact, they showed me the post and suggested this was how I could get back at her. Yes, they’re petty, and that’s why I love them.

Partner’s family has always enabled Camille. It’s easier than confronting her, and they don’t want to cut her off because she’ll have no support system if they do. It’s mostly the older generation. The “kids,” aka the younger ones who are sick of her shit, want nothing to do with her but put up with it her for family’s sake.

We left the cake at her party. I don’t know what happened to it.

Edit 2: For privacy, I can’t share any pictures of the cake, but I promise mine was much better.

Update: The cousin who made the black forest cake texted me and said she liked the cake. She asked if I could give her some piping tips. No word from Camille yet, but her brother called to apologize for her behavior.

Update 2: A few people texted their support, and an uncle apologized for his angry texts. Partner thinks I shouldn’t accept it, but the thought still counts. Apparently, my in-laws took the cake home. They said it was delicious.

Update 3: Camille called and screamed at me some more. Until I apologize, she won’t attend any more family gatherings if I’m there, so I guess I won’t be seeing ever again, thank God. Thanks for all your feedback and comments.

[sequs-art-box]

give me ALL your Anger headcanons,,

You sure you want that? Okay.....

• Has a high pain tolerance. The most you'd get with a punch to his stomach is a small grunt. Nothing more.

• Continuing the tolerance thing, he has extremely high spice tolerance as well. Maybe to the point of not having capsaicin sensors at all. That'd be so funny honestly..

• Cold Take: Anger is Gay and Ace.

• SLIGHTLY WARM Take: He's Biromantic and Ace.

• Physically strong. Even more than Embarrassment. He could have broken through his grip no problem. Do you SEE my vision.

• Completely immune to lava (this is kinda canon already but I don't care >:>)

• Emits heat, even when he's not super angry. The other emotions use him as their personal heater- similar to Baymax in that one scene- during the winter.

• Has woken up the other emotions due to a bad dream many times. Surprisingly enough, his fire extinguisher hasn't been used yet.

• Anger is Joy's second in command.

• One kind of pain he can't tolerate are migraines (totally not projecting)

• I've mentioned this before but I like to think Anger is really good at making the others feel better, whether if it's about themselves or about how they work (gestures to the scene where he comforts Joy)

• Used to sleep with a tank top on but took it off after finding out going shirtless was way more comfortable

• Likes generally hardcore sounding music, but he doesn't mind some relaxing genres too. He ain't afraid to admit that either. He can listen to whatever the fuck he wants.

• Didn't like tea until Fear made him try it (Fear didn't like coffee until Anger made him try it)

• Doesn't have good handwriting. It's not too bad but Joy, Fear, and Anxiety wished he slowed down and wrote a little better.

• Anger is actually a very organized emotion, at least with the stuff he cares about.

• Cheeks turn cherry red when he's flustered (think of it like an opposite reaction to his orange cheeks when he's angry)

• After the events of the first movie, Anger had to *really* learn to control himself. That work definitely paid off by the second movie.

• He's actually not that bad of a dancer, yall just don't give him enough time to practice.

• Tends to babysit Envy a LOT. Says he doesn't like it but he's 100% a father figure to her now. Sorry, no takebacksies.

• PEOPLE THINK THIS MF CANT RUN OR SOME SHIT but he keeps up with the others just fine in the second movie. Dude literally works out every day how can he NOT.

• MY Anger is a good singer, but OG Anger isn't. Sorry bud. I can't see (hear) it.

• He is textbook "act now think later"

• Unintentionally an early bird. Often the first to wake up cause he needs to get shit done.

• The console was made with very durable material, specifically to withstand Ange's outbursts.

• He may be the "youngest" of the original five, but he acts like the oldest.

• Anger's love languages are quality time and acts of service.

• He was the first one to be brought down to the Belief System.

• Despite having a high spice tolerance, he's more of a savory/sweet guy.

• I love to think that Anger is unintentionally charming.... Giving him a high rizz score here. Sorry not sorry.

• Extremely protective of the other emotions. Doesn't show this side often, but when it matters, he'd fight till he fades from existence for them.

• Tried to learn origami with Joy but he kept burning the paper.

• Likes Western dragons more than Eastern dragons, he finds all kinda super interesting though.

• Owns multiple ties with the same design (this can be said about the other emotions too)

• If I were to give him an instrument, he's totally rock an electric bass, or any low sounding instrument.

• Anger is a dog person.

• Looks SUPER good with blue and black clothing. He should wear it more often.

• When he can't show affection to someone, he just punches them (toph from atla core LOL)

• Some positive aspects of his character: Loyal, compassionate, ambitious, and confident.

● Stopped reading the Mind Reader newspapers because they lost their journalistic integrity.

• I will edit this with more headcanons in the future. Enjoy this for now :))

[weirdestcornelius]

Considering recent events and posts I'd like to point out that this is supposed to be constructive criticism. Not bullying. Not anything else.

I don't try to "criticize" things Kc cannot control, such as the fandom. That whole Party discourse thing? That was me criticizing the fandom. Kittycorn squeakself has never made or alluded to any toxic ships. It was moreso me just being angry at the fandom for shipping a therapist with their clients AND ignoring Party's sexuality considering he's gay/achillean from what I've been informed. It was not an attack towards the ZCP or Kittycorn because they genuinely couldn't control these things if they TRIED. If anything, it's the fandoms fault for it.

I know that this comic is meant to be comforting for kit. The only things I've given constructive criticism for is is the way that disabilities are handled. And there's no way you can tell me I am "bullying" when I say that because I am literally a visually impaired person giving constructive criticism on how a disability that relates to MINE could be better handled in the comic. I love Sparklecare as someone who has experienced ableism from almost everyone around me. I think it's a great way to symbolize ableism and the way the healthcare system is inherently toxic and a breeding ground for trauma and assault.

I only made this a separate blog from my main because I figured people wouldn't want to see constructive criticism on my main. Not to mention that some people in the fandom (not blaming Kc or the ZCP for this) can really be white knights and decide that anything less than positivity for the comic is an attack against Kc. You can tell me this isn't true but I've seen people be called all flavors of slurs and even been told to harm themselves over this. And I'm talking about literal children having to put up with being sent these things. Regardless of the blog or not, I should NOT be scared of saying anything against the comic in fear of getting death threats. The fandom is getting bad behind the scenes and I do not blame Kc for that. Kit did nothing to deserve this. Especially all of those "criticism" blogs that aren't actually criticism, but just bullying the comic and tearing it apart. When I agree that SCH has its problems, all media does and we should simply acknowledge these without saying the entire comic is garbage because. It's not. It has gotten so many people, me included out of dark places and when I criticize it I always try to make it as constructive as possible because I genuinely love this comic and its message. It hits super close to home for me and I love to see the story and characters grow and change. This includes me feeling comfortable enough to give constructive advice on how disabilities similar to mine could be more comfortably portrayed. I have never and never will say that the comic or Kc are bad because honestly? The comic already treats (most) disability or disorders a LOT better than other media does. And that's something I praise it for. I could go on and on about the things I like about this comic and characters, like Creams AFRID being treated in a humanizing and positive way. As someone with food sensitivity, I am so happy to see it be painted in a normal, healthy way and not the characters making fun of it, as a lot of media does.

But loving something means you need to acknowledge its flaws. And Sparklecare has flaws, as all media does. That does NOT mean that you should make Kc feel bad about her own fucking trauma. You are not entitled to know kits trauma. You are not entitled to the characters identities. You can say something Upsets you, but that doesn't mean that it's inherently bad. Some things on this blog are just things that upset me. It's okay to be upset by things. But it doesn't mean that whatever upsets you should immediately be changed unless it is an actual problem and not just something that YOU personally do not like.

This turned out way longer than I thought it would, but I uh. Just wanted to get that out there.

[turbulentscrawl]

Could we get some hc stuff for weeping? He never gets any love. Your work is amazing btw ♡

Thank you!

You know, before this I honestly kept forgetting he exists...but after doing a lore dive and doing these general hcs I'm feeling like he's going to become a favorite.

As a note for tagging, I typically use a character's human name for my blog's tagging system, but since "Joker" is a name used in so many fandoms, his will be "weeping clown x reader"

As always, if you guys like my work consider sending me a request!

Identity(V) Headcanons: Joker

-The acid which scarred him was only mixed with his colored face paints. The white base he uses didn’t harm him, so the scarring he has is mostly around his mouth and down from his eyes, following the shape of the red lips and teardrops he painted on. He still wears face paint most days to try and cover what he can of the scarring, but he’s paranoid about what he uses now. He keeps his paints locked away where others can’t access them, and always tests them on his arm before using them on his face.

-Joker has very little self-worth. It goes beyond basic insecurity, though he has plenty of that as well. His entire reason for living is based on the value he has to other people. At first, that’s restricted to just the way he can bring a bit of joy to the Hullabaloo crowds, and the few shallow friendships he’d made along the way. When Margaretha entered the picture, though, it began to twist into something even more unhealthy.

-He still has some remaining love for Margaretha, but he’s more withdrawn from her. He was disfigured, he did something horrible, and she left. But if it really came down to it, and he had no one else to talk him out of it, he probably would continue going to her whenever she calls, albeit with more inner turmoil. It goes back to that self-worth again; Margaretha makes him feel like he can be a valued protector regardless of not being very physically capable.

-At his core, Joker is a very kind and sympathetic person. He cares about others, their wellbeing and happiness, and even in a world without the above self-worth struggles he would go out of his way to help people…

-But he’s become a bit jaded since the massacre. A bit angry, even. No one did anything when he was the sole victim. No one stood up for him like he stood up for others. No one cared about his disfigured face because now it matches his disfigured body, right? …but he makes himself swallow those feelings when they start to bubble over. He doesn’t want to be that person. He doesn’t want to add more cruelness to the world.

-He’s on the quiet side. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him mute, but he chooses his words very carefully. If ever he’s unsure of what to say he would rather say nothing than ramble aimlessly. When he does speak, it’s with long pauses and shifting, thinking eyes. Conversations with him tend to move at a crawl.

-He likes gentle people. Eccentric people are fun too, but he prefers gentleness if he must choose one over the other. He got along with Mike before the massacre, but events like that have a way of either cementing or shattering bonds and theirs took the latter hit. I think he’d get along well with several people in the manor, including Luca, Emma, Victor, Eli, and Helena. He’s not exceptionally close with any of them, but few people dislike his presence.

-He’s very good at telling all manner of jokes, but he rarely does anymore. That’s a development from before even the massacre; he was required to employ depreciating humor on stage, both of himself and others, and over the years it caused him to grow heavy with guilt. Now, he may shoot off a pun occasionally, but even that is rare. He really doesn’t like to be the one joking around anymore.

-He does still like doing tricks, though! They’re not his specialty, but he didn’t go all that time in the circus without picking up a thing or two. He’s more than happy to show off these skills if they entertain his friends.

-He’s really good at finding things? It’s basically a supernatural power. If you ever lose something in the manor, he’s a good bet to check in with before you tear your room apart. Honestly sometimes he just shows up to return things before someone even knows they’ve lost it.

-Joker is completely touch starved. At first glance it may seem the opposite, as he tends to move away from incoming contact, but this is only because he often doesn’t know what to expect. As far as kind touches go, he’s given more than he’s received, and always with a nervous, shaking hand. When he has some kind of relationship where contact is both safe and common, he’s attached to your hip.

-On that note, Physical Touch is the best love language for Joker. He also appreciates the other four, but touch is his favorite. He’s a very clingy partner who always wants to sit shoulder-to-shoulder or hold hands. If his partner is less than enthused about PDA, he’s okay with more subtle touches as well, such as hooking your ankles together under the dinner table. Rebuffing his desire for contact too many times can and will result in some seriously hurt feelings. A relationship between him and someone averse to touch probably wouldn’t work in the long run.

[whispering-woodlands]

What are your Tron/Yori/Able head-canons? So nice seeing other people pairing them!

Anon I don’t know who you are but I love you, I’m spinning you around happily. Thank you for giving me an excuse to ramble about them!

(For context I hc Tron Yori and Able as bi and poly ((and Tron being on the ace spectrum)))

I think it took awhile for Yori to be transferred over to the Grid, so Tron was without his primary/first counterpart for awhile. Being on the Grid was lonely at first, Flynn made it well known about Tron’s past achievements on the Encom system and about being the Grid’s primary protector. So most programs saw Tron as a figurehead or tool rather than an individual program.

This left Tron with really only having a few close genuine relationships. One with Flynn, his third counterpart who was a User that was away for several cycles at a time. And with Clu, which was a complicated relationship at the very least. Tron cared for Clu as a friend (Clu wanted more but Tron was firm in seeing Clu as only a friend), but also had to balance supporting Clu’s continued building of the Grid and being the only one who could stand up to the Admin.

Tron did care deeply about his security team but it took awhile for him to get used to working in one as he mostly worked by himself in the Encom system. Team bonding was also cut short at first because in the beginning it was only Shaddox and Oracle, but Oracle was derezzed after a particularly large nest of Gridbugs got into the main city. Tron blamed himself for Oracle’s passing, seeing it as a failure in his leadership.

It was later when Tron had been sent to a less well known bar on a low priority alert for noise disturbances that he met Able. Clu and his team had recommended that he go on leave for awhile but Tron refused to stop working, so they compromised with having Tron do less dangerous civilian work. After sitting there for at least a milli with no excessive noise at all Tron was grateful for the suprisingly candid and enjoyable conversation Able had with him.

Then, Able excused himself, went up on the bar’s stage, and played the loudest music Tron had ever heard in his entire runtime. All the while Able had the most satisfied and smug look on his face, like he was daring Tron to shut down the show that had now attracted a large amount of programs for such a small bar.

Tron didn’t. Instead he found himself going to each of Able’s shows. Trying to convince the program to find a better place that could fit a larger audience and not produce so many angry neighbors. Able seemed to only take that as a challenge, his shows grew more and more more popular until people sat on the sidewalks outside the bars just to hear his music. And Tron continued going to each show, even as Able teased him relentlessly. They began to spend time together afterwards and Tron learned Able was a mechanic. As time passed they began to meet with each other completely seperate from the shows.

One day construction began on a stadium, one that once completed had Clu personally invite Able to play at as the first ever show. Tron said nothing, but Able knew he had something to do with it. After the show Tron asked Able if he would be his counterpart. Able happily agreed. (Musician Able inspired by Wynandcore!! Look at his art!!!)

When Yori was finally transferred to the Grid, Tron introduced her to Able. Tron had spoken of Yori to Able before, the two were surprisingly alike and they established a relationship as well. It wasn’t long before all three were living together.

They had many cycles of being happy together. All of them working to help make the Grid a safe and prosperous place.

Unfortunately all three started drifting apart a bit when the riots between Basics and ISOs reached their peak. Able abandoned being a musician and became a mechanic full time. Moving to Argon to make a garage there that would be a safe working place for betas and other programs seeking a place away from Clu’s primary place of power, in hopes that it would help prevent some of the innocent bloodshed. Yori focused on helping make hidden sanctuaries for ISOs and leading as many as would follow to them. Tron continued to try and make peace between the two groups while struggling to find common ground between Flynn and Clu so the two could work to fix the situation and the instability of the Grid’s system.

After the coup both Able and Yori thought that Tron was dead. Able buried himself deeper in his work and became even more protective of the family he had built at the garage. Yori basically dropped off the map entirely, continuing to help the remaining ISOs move from sanctuary to sanctuary as the Admin’s forces scoured the system.

Able was the first Tron reconnected with after he was back to as best health as he could with just Cyrus’ help. In turn Able was able to contact Yori through an old meeting place that they were to only ever use in case of emergency. Together Yori and Able built the healing tank Tron had in the Spire.

The three of them along with Cyrus began to establish a network of anti Occupation programs. Unfortunately it didn’t last long. Cyrus began to change, and the entire network collapsed. Trust was shattered, lives were lost and Able left the network as well as his counterparts. Yori invited Tron to leave with her to try and start again, form a new rebel network. But with Tron’s scars steadily worsening and his own trust in himself shattered after his failure with Cyrus he elected to stay on his own so he wouldn’t be a liability to anyone else.

The second time Tron was captured, due to the circumstances Yori (and if we are going with a canon divergence where Uprising ep didn’t end like that) and Able both assumed that Tron was dead. That time they were mostly correct, Tron was gone. But Yori would connect with Rinzler a few times pre Legacy and Yori and Able both would establish a relationship with Rinzler post Legacy.

Okay anyways uh… the hcs yeah. The thing the whole ask was about. These Hcs are all pre-coup.

-Able was very adventurous and a trouble maker when he was younger. He didn’t have the hero worship most programs had for Tron, which Tron both loathed and appreciated. Appreciated because Able saw him as an individual and loathed because Able would not hesitate to call Tron out on self destructive or stupid behavior. When Able first met Tron he would enjoy teasing/messing around with him especially when Tron was on duty or around with his team (both of which reminded him a LOT of Yori before she was transferred onto the Grid as well.)

-Tron likes dropping off energy and treats for Able and Yori at their jobs whenever he knows they have long shifts or if they’ve been stressed lately. If he isn’t able to drop it off personally one of the members of his team will, and Tron will always make sure there is a loving note attached. Gifts are his most common form of showing affection.

-Able and Yori keep all the notes that Tron writes for them in a special jar.

-Yori will drive Able around town sometimes to help him sleep. The sound of the engine helps and it’s a nice silent way for them to both just relax. In turn Able will also help talk through any issues Yori is having with projects when she has trouble relaxing or sleeping. They usually get through at least two or three before falling asleep against each other on wherever they sat.

- Yori also enjoys taking Tron and Able on Solar Sailer trips and talking about how the whole transport system works. She’s very proud of it after all.

-Tron likes to show off (extra) in the Games whenever Able and Yori are watching.

-Cuddle piles!!!! After a long day they will all curl up together with at least four blankets that will likely all end up on the floor by the beginning of the next work cycle. Able and Yori are both responsible for all of Tron’s (very few) late days. How can he say no when his two wonderful counterparts look at him like that? Maybe he can stay recharge with them for just a few more nanos….

[jechristine]

I honestly don’t mean to offend you because I like your blog usually. But once in a while you get stuck on a point that is clearly not making sense and it’s almost as if you want to save face and not admit you were wrong, so you keep on going and making it even worse. You want to talk about celebrities feeding the parasocial, fine, it’s a reality, but picking a promotional post to make your point is weird and is giving I just have an agenda. Would it make you feel better if he said I watched it and it’s worth it? It would be pointless regardless, he’s just helping his brother out and being transparent about it. You are also comparing with celebrities that either have nothing in common with him (age, how they became famous, how they had to use social media) or you are giving passes because they had it harder (and they did, but does that make Z’s continued rs with her fanpages make it any less parasocial)? And all that about some comments he made on fame 1,5 years ago. Unless he has given interviews more recently…

I like your blog, I do, but you aren’t being astute on this, you just really want to make a point. It’s just weird that you feel this need.

Well I’ll agree that my point is getting clearer in my own head as I go around with different anons. I think of my blog as more of an ongoing discussion that shapes my own thinking, and less of a “I make a fully fleshed out argument that’s either right or wrong.” From my pov, developing a viewpoint in tandem with others is a common process is talking and writing especially in low-stakes space like tumblr. If my point is unclear it’s because I’m working on it as I go and trying to respond to different angles that anons bring up. I’m pretty open to being challenged, I’d say.

There’s also a central point I’m trying to make—that celebrities play a role in nurturing and activating parasocial relationships that they benefit professionally and financially from. Some anons seem to be feeling really defensive about that point as applied to Tom Holland, probably because of the parasocial relationship he’s successfully created with them! But I’m not going for good vs bad, criticize vs celebrate, as they seem to be expecting me to.

And there are ancillary points that have come up because anons who feel angry love to take conversations to whataboutism or other deflections. Those ancillary points: 1) other celebrities create less toxic (?) or potent versions of those parasocial relationships, maybe because they’re older and more mature? I’m 33 and I don’t see 26yo’s sm lives as that much different than mine idk. Or maybe because those other celebrities have simply never been committed to an idea of showing vulnerability the way Tom has? Or something else or some combination? 2) the immutable traits of a person’s identity play a role in how they are able to succeed in the entertainment industry and to what extent they need to connect to fans for that success. And 3) that some quasi political figures who are also celebrities like the BRF Harry & Meghan have additional or different incentives for putting themselves out there.

So to your point: I guess I agree that the Paddy post isnt the best example of Tom activating the parasocial relationships that he’s played a role in developing, but I do think it’s an instance of his doing so. I didn’t pick it exactly. The issue that I’ve talked about many times over the last year popped up yesterday again on @wetheoriginals blog, and I said the same kind of thing I always say about it.

I think about the point I’m trying to make as being spurred more by the desire to defend fans who are caught up in a market system that doesn’t really benefit them in any material way. Maybe it makes them feel good for a second.

Like I said, I think most celebrity-fan relationships include an element of the parasocial, and how much each contains and activates can be better assessed along a spectrum. It’s a part of celebrity culture, and I usually see very reductive or shallow assessments of it (I.e. “this stan needs to touch some grass”). I’d like to think more about it and how it works.

[starrcarter01]

hi

hi. my name is starr, and i knew khalil better than probably any of you. i've known him almost my entire life. i grew up with him, through elementary school, middle school, high school. we played together, hung out together, and were always there for each other. he introduced me to those strange new feelings too. he was the best friend i ever had or could want.

there are things i regret. lots of them. i hadn't talked to khalil for months before, you know. we were growing apart, and i wasn't there for him. and what was he doing? struggling more than any of you could imagine and still trying his best to take care of his family and be the best person he could be. it doesn't matter if he was dealing drugs, whatever. what he did by no means at all justified him being SHOT. KILLED. by a 'police officer', who supposed to be protecting us and regulating the law. not murdering someone -- who's just a kid, and who he didn't know. officer one-fifteen couldn't have had any idea if khalil did something wrong, broke the law. maybe he was speeding. but none of that matters. he was shot, murdered, for no reason at all besides the color of his skin. he was innocent.

and, by the way, he was dealing drugs. he never joined a gang or participated in any gang activity. at first i was mad at him, so angry that khalil would sell the same stuff that destroyed his own mother, and put himself in so much danger. but he sold drugs to protect her, his mom. she was in debt with some gangleader or something like that, they had no money, and the only way khalil could make enough money to protect her was by turning to drugs. he loved her more than he hated drugs, and in the end all that matters was that he was doing it all for his mom. even though she was a drug addict, even though she wasn't the same person she was, he still loved her to death nonetheless. he only wanted the best for her. i know khalil. he has a big heart, he's loving, caring, smart. i'm sure he didn't want to sell it, but he ran out of other options. if you were in his position you would do the same thing. khalil shouldn't be judged for that.

a lot of you don't quite understand what it's like, to be black, to live in the community khalil lived in and i still live in. to be treated like you're inferior, to be looked down upon. it's a neverending cycle, of suffering, of pain. it isn't easy to make money when you're in those circumstances. everyone wants and tries to get out, but they can't, and eventually they all fall into gangs or drugs, end up killing each other if they weren't already shot by a cop. that's how it is for so many black americans. it's a system, and you can't get out.

even if all of you don't understand the situation khalil was in, hopefully you all can agree what happened to him was cruel, unjust, an evil act by a police officer who couldn't see farther than khalil's race.

khalil deserves justice. and i don't know if he'll ever get it. what does 'justice' even mean in today's american society? i don't think there is a true 'justice'. it's no more than a mere concept, an ideal. no one can get justice anymore. there's nothing i want more than for him to just get what is undeniably right and fair. but will he? will he? i don't want to say the answer. we don't know the answer yet. so all we can do is wait. wait and see if our courts can do the right thing, for once.

justice for khalil.

[zorua-adorable]

If you had to rank a Hortensia support chain, how would it go

Okay so funnily enough, I’ve actually been working on making one since I recently completed getting all her supports.

To start off, I like all of her supports and they are all good in my opinion, so the only variation here is how much I like the support chain in question. This is gonna get a bit long so my reasoning for placements will be going under the cut.

S Tier - ADORE

Veyle: Okay, I’ve posted once before some thoughts on their A support, so I’ll try to keep this one brief. I just really love how Hortensia is given a moment to be angry about her father’s death. And yes, it is to an irrational degree as Veyle was brainwashed which she acknowledges in her anger, but I feel that it was important that she actually got to feel that anger. Y’know, get it out of her system and such? And the fact that she had the emotional intelligence/maturity to be like “there is no guarantee that we’ll end up friends but I am willing to give you a chance” and everything... JUST, CKSDNVKSVNSK

Ivy: What can I say about this one other than the fact that it is SO GOOD? I love that we get some info about Hortensia’s mom and about the Elusian court and that we get to see how strong her bond with Ivy is. I love getting a look into why Hortensia is so obsessed with being perceived as cute and charming. It’s just so sweet, especially the part at the end where Hortensia talks more about how she was feeling when she was on her own after Hyacinth died and she still thought Ivy was dead too. The only thing I wonder about is that there is a part in their A support where Ivy says “You thrived in the academy as well─you even skipped enough grades to catch up to me.” And that line has me wondering if Ivy attended the academy at the same time as Hortensia, or if she was in the past called away from the academy and Hortensia skipped up to the year that Ivy was in when she left, or if Hortensia just skipped so many grades that she was put straight into the final year or something; but that’s nothing against the support, that’s just me having thoughts.

Céline: This one was SO cute, and is one of the few Hortensia supports that have a lighter tone. I LOVE that she gets to have a support that’s just silly and lighthearted and feels like a moment of childhood whimsy; girl definitely needs more of that in her life.

Alcryst: If I could, I would put his portrait directly under Céline’s but still in the S tier since I like these two chains equally. I love how she tries to help Alcryst build confidence by denying his request to teach him, as a way of trying to het him to stand up for himself, y’know? I love how she told him that he doesn’t NEED to change for her or other people to like/accept him. And that bit at the end where the tables were turned and she ran away was SO funny and SO cute.

Alear: I used female Alear’s portrait for the tier list since I played as female Alear on my first playthrough. This one is very similar to her Ivy support, but it’s also less personal, which makes sense since the two don’t have that close relationship that the Elusisters do. I can’t think of much else to say on this one, but I like how Alear helped Hortensia come to another realization about the reason why her mother did what she did; Ivy helps her realize that her mother did what she did to carve out a niche for Hortensia in the court, Alear helps her realize her mother did what she did as a way of teaching Hortensia how to survive the court.

A Tier - LOVE

Chloé: Local Chloé and Hortensia fan enjoying their support together? Who could have foreseen this? Jokes aside, this one is cute. It’s one of the lighter ones, with Hortensia trying to emulate Chloé’s “aura of sophistication” (as she puts it) to add to her charm repertoire. However, for me, I feel there’s an added layer of depth to this one in Hortensia trying to be like someone she describes as having “motherly charm” with the context of Hortensia trying to be like her own mother.

Goldmary: LOVE IT when Hortensia supports bring up how smart she is, BECAUSE SHE IS! Anyway, I find it interesting that Goldmary agrees to teach Hortensia how to cook right away, because IIRC she’s not so quick to agree to teaching others to cook in some of her other support chains. I like that we get some Elusia lore in how retainers are chosen and that Goldmary and Rosado aren’t officially retainers. We also get some backstory between the two and how they first met, but... I just have one question: HOW LONG AGO DID THAT HAPPEN?? I need to make sense of this timeline, cause like it was obviously before she attended the academy, but how long before? Cause she didn’t realize the girl she saved was Goldmary, but was that because it had been some years and Goldmary looked a lot different, or was it just because it was the heat of the moment? I need to know how old this girl was when she was just deciding she could head out to check on battlefields when she’s 14 in the present of the game!

Clanne: Okay, so there was a large period of time between when I got their C support and when I got their B and A supports. And in that time, I unlocked a new page for Framme in the Ally Notebook; and when I went to check the new page, I noticed on one of the old pages that “cheering for people” was listed as one of her likes. So in my head I was like “Wouldn’t a support chain centered around making a fan club be more suited to Framme than Clanne?” But having since gotten the rest of the support chain, I now realize that it fits Clanne better. There’s not much else I can think to say on this one - it’s cute, it’s lighthearted, and I’m DEFINITELY stealing Clanne’s role as president of Hortensia’s fan club.

Lindon: I like that Hortensia gets a support chain with a focus on her father. We get some more Elusia/Hyacinth lore & backstory, we get some moments of Hortensia expressing insecurity over feeling like she’s not doing enough for Elusia, and she gets some comfort. The only part I wasn’t a fan of in this one was when Lindon said “a parent always loves their child” when that’s not true - heck, we see in-story that that’s not true - but I will give him that it’s what she needed to hear in the moment.

B Tier - LIKE

Fogado: I really do not have much to say on this one, but I loved all the sass and sarcasm she had in their C support. I also enjoyed that we got another moment looking at her insecurities on if she’s doing enough/if she’s actually helping.

Anna: This one was a lighter one, which admittedly I wasn’t expecting. I assumed that it would do something with them both being younger sisters from Elusia and how Hortensia was on her own for a time thinking her whole family was dead and how Anna is currently separated from her family. That aside, I enjoyed the chain as it was, and there was even a bit of depth at the end, with Hortensia being like “I want people people to notice me for my own charm” (paraphrased). I just think it’s cute that they can have a sweet friendship, cause they’re close in age, have a bit in common, and given how shopping is listed as one of Hortensia’s hobbies and Anna... y’know.

Rosado: I like how this one gave a look into the persona of cuteness Hortensia puts on, and how it ties into her role as a princess. I don’t have too much to say on this one, but the action at the beginning of their A support seemed kind of out of nowhere; but that’s nothing against the support.

[buddiebeginz]

I agree I've been a part of many different fandoms and the hate people have for not just Billy but for those of us who love him and ship him with Steve is just pretty unbelievable at points it borders on obsessive with some of them.

I'd say the two worst times for this was during season 3 when there was a lot of Billy stuff around and surprisingly right after season 4. Even though Billy wasn't even really in season 4. I guess the show picked up a lot of new younger viewers or something because I feel like the vitriol amped up a lot towards him and us. I also think events that have gone in the real world in recent years have played a part in why Billy is more hated now than he ever was.

There was definitely people that hated Billy and hated us after season 2 but they just didn't seem as bad or as loud about it as they often are now. I think there are people who see Billy as an abusive racist and nothing more and they've decided to label anyone who thinks any deeper about this fictional character as supporting abuse and racism.

Never mind the fact that any of the scenes having to do with Billy and Lucas are clearly open for interpretation. Regardless of what the Duffers intended the scenes with Billy and Lucas or Billy and Max aren't clear cut just one way. More importantly Dacre himself specifically said he didn't see Billy as racist just that he was protecting Max ("if it were any other kid bothering her he would have reacted the same way") therefore he wasn't playing him that way and it clearly impacted how Billy came across on screen.

There's also the fact that many of us relate to Billy and his circumstances. Like Billy I grew up in an abusive family and because of that was a very angry person as a teenager. I don't get why so many in the ST fandom can't find a single ounce of empathy or ability to grasp that so many of us see ourselves in this hurting abused kid. They'll sympathize with Max and Eddie all day long but never Billy and never those of us who relate to him. Many of who are real world abuse victims/survivors.

Tbh I also put some of the blame on the Duffers for how the fandom is because look at how they've treated Billy. Not having anyone even talk about rescuing him in season 3, making him out to be monster at the end of season 4, talking about him like a villain in interviews. Them killing Billy off was hard enough to watch but the way they've basically written him off as this 2D 80's villain who deserved all the bad he got has been worse. They've basically used Billy to kind of vent out their frustrations on their childhood bullies and the fandom has used all of this to validate their hatred of Billy.

Even after season 3 people were literally celebrating the fact that he was killed off and to this day there is a portion of the ST fandom who say he got what he deserved. An abused, angry, teenager who didn't have any kind of support system. Who had no idea what the hell was even happening to him. Who gave his life to save everyone else. Deserved to die in one of the worse ways imaginable? I mean are you fucking kidding me?

And I'm not telling anyone they aren't allowed to dislike Billy there's plenty of characters I don't like either but what I don't get is the intense concentrated effort to hate on this character and the people who love him. The inability to grasp the fact that it's okay if you dislike him but it's also just as okay if other people feel differently. Someone liking a fictional character that you don't doesn't make them a bad person.

I've also seen people in the ST fandom try and humanize characters like Brenner and Henry or defend characters like Kali and El when all of them have done messed up stuff including murder. During season 4 I saw so many ST fans applauding El smashing Angela's face in with the skate when she could have literally killed her.

Meanwhile the worst thing we saw Billy do was be a dick to Max, grab and push Lucas, and his fight with Steve (which Steve started). Which both events that happened at the Byers happened after Billy had been attacked by his dad, was in a venerable state, and knew he'd be in deep shit if he didn't bring Max back home with him. He told Lucas "you're so dead Sinclair" which some in fandom have taken as a literal threat against Lucas' life but 1. It's said in anger after Lucas kicked him in the balls. 2. I don't think Billy was going to. He literally could have punched Lucas in the face the minute he grabbed him (look at his fight with Steve) and he hardly did anything at all. I'm not excusing Billy just these are the facts that so many in the ST fandom love to twist for their own narrative.

I just don't get why almost every other character on the show is allotted some kind of understanding for their mistakes but never Billy. I can't think of a single thing Billy did that warrants the kind of hate people have for him. Even if he was racist as some people believe he was. He was a teenager in the 80's who had a horrible, abusive, piece of shit role model for a father. Where exactly was he supposed to learn to be better and be more open minded? Cause it certainly wasn't going to happen living with his father. The fact is Billy could have grown and matured as a person. He was only 18 years old still living at home barely having experienced life yet. In most ways he was still just a kid. Honestly I feel sorry for those who refuse to see Billy as anything more than just a villain because it makes me wonder how they look at and judge people in the real world.

Sorry this got insanely long I didn't mean to hijack your post. I just always have a lot to say when it comes to Billy.

The hate for Billy and Harringrove genuinely perplexes me. I have shipped and loved characters that kinda deserve the hate they get but these two? Are you serious? In the grand scale of things they're saints

[scenarioslovers]

Paper Hearts || Jungkook

Every beginning has an end, and every end is the beginning of another story.

You thought your story would be endless. Five years ago, you got to finally marry the love of your life. The one whom you swore to stand by no matter what happened. The one who seemed so far yet so close. Your best friend and your support system. You thought this was the ending and the new beginning of your never-ending story.

Getting married to Jungkook was never easy. Considering his career and popularity he had to keep you a secret for a while, and marriage was never something easy to accept by his agency or his fans. However, he never gave up on the family you promised each other to make. Such a beautiful love story. Everyone was talking about it everywhere. The love story of BTS Jungkook and his non-celebrity girlfriend. The child who will grow up in a loving family.

Such a beautiful love… Such a beautiful family…

Then how could it end in such a way?

You looked at the paper in front of you on the dining table. Your eyes were watery, and your breath was caught in your chest. The paper wasn’t clear except for two heart-aching words. Divorce application form. Jungkook, your loving husband, the husband who loved you the most, was giving you a not-so-loving look. His face was grim with something that you couldn’t point out. Something empty and cold.

You have sensed that something was wrong for a while. You tried to talk to him about it, he dismissed your concerns. “Just work stress.” He’d spoken.

But it was more than work stress. Two months ago, he stopped playing with your daughter. He always came super late when you had already gone to sleep and left early before you woke up. Many other days, he would sleep out with one of his team members. “We finished late and had to continue work in the early morning. It would be a waste of time to go home for two hours only. I need to sleep more than that.”

With each excuse, your heart was breaking. Nevertheless, you decided to be patient. They were preparing for a huge comeback after a long break. They didn’t want to disappoint their fans. Especially Jungkook. He had to work harder, for him to prove that his marriage didn’t really ruin his image as an idol. The pressure on him was too much, you wanted to support him. So, you let him be. You broke your own heart, for him. For his sake. It was just for a small period.

Never have you ever considered that he was preparing himself for a divorce. Never have you ever considered that he would leave you and your daughter.

You thought your love was much bigger than that. You passed through so many hardships that an end to your endless seems… ridiculous.

“Is this your April fool joke?” You tried to smile, to deny your reality.

Jungkook ran a hand over his face that slid into his smooth hair to rest on the back of his neck. “I cannot do this anymore. It’s too much for me.”

Your mouth dropped in an O-shaped, shocked. “Too much for you?” You couldn’t prevent a sob from skipping your throat. “Have I ever done something wrong?” You couldn’t think of anything you had done. No matter how much you thought about it. There was nothing. You were always trying to be as understandable as you could be.

“It is …” Jungkook gulped before shaking his head. “I am sorry, Y/N. This marriage was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Your eyes widened and you were shaking hysterically. You haven’t noticed the young human being standing by the door until you heard “Mom” in a small voice.

Your chair fell on the floor and there was a loud thud when you stood suddenly in surprise and disbelief. Nabi was standing by her bedroom door. Her small frame couldn’t be seen until now. She was only four years old, and she had to listen to her father saying that to her mother.

Tears were now running down your cheeks as you ran to your daughter before shooting an angry look at Jungkook, who was now standing in disbelief too.

“Why? Why are you up, Nabi?” You asked her, wondering how much she had heard.

“I was sleeping.” She said in a sleepy voice. “I want to pee.” She looked at you. Her small hand reached for the tear on your cheeks as she wiped it off. A gesture you always made to her when she cried. “It will be okay, mom. You are okay, mom.” She repeated the same words you would tell her when she fell to the ground and started to cry.

If there was a sound for the heartbreaking, you could hear it in your chest. Your heartstrings were pulled so hard that they started to pull off from their place. Leaving your heart without strings for it to sing anymore. Like a broken guitar, your heart had become.

“That’s true.” You nodded, trying to swallow away from the pain. “I will be okay. Let’s go pee, Nabi.”

She looked over your shoulder and smiled at her dad. “Dad is here. I want to play with Dad”

“Next time, butterfly. Next time I will get you something nice to play with.” Jungkook said behind you. You refused to look at him. If you did, you weren’t sure what you would say or do. The whole situation was ridiculous to you. How could a single person decide to break down a whole building after working on building it for so long?

“Dad hates Nabi,” Nabi said as tears started to form in her eyes too. “Dad isn’t playing with Nabi.”

“Dad is just busy. He loves you.” You assured your daughter of the fact that it should never change. If Jungkook’s feelings toward you had ended, his love for his daughter would never stop. You were telling Jungkook that his daughter didn’t deserve to have a broken family suddenly.

You stood up on your feet, with your daughter hanging in your arms. “I will take her to the bathroom and put her in bed. Wait for me, I will sign the paper for you.”

A relief look was placed on Jungkook’s face as he mouthed a thank you. Your stomach twisted in the most horrible way ever.

If Jungkook was ever forced to marry you, he wouldn’t look as relieved to get rid of you as he did right now.

~~

After your daughter when back to sleep, you and Jungkook sat on the sofa. The very first furniture you bought with him for this house, for this family. Each of you was sitting at the very end of both sides of the sofa. As if you were the same pole of magnate that kept pushing each other apart.

“I will sign the paper for you Jungkook.” You said again after a moment of silence. “I just want to know, why? You didn’t even consider Nabi’s life living in a broken family. The poor girl.”

“I am sorry, Y/N. I know I am being selfish right now.” He said in a small voice. “It’s that I kept feeling that we will not work anymore.”

“You don’t love me anymore?”

“I do love you. You are my first love, my best friend, and my… wife…my daughter’s mom.” With each word, his voice is becoming smaller and smaller. “I love you, but not in the same way anymore.”

“You…” Once again tears were threatened to fall down your eyes. “You haven’t even tried to fix that.”

“How can you fix someone’s heart?”

“Jungkook, you could have talked to me about it. You could have just said something, we can find a solution together. But this…” you stopped, to stop yourself from breaking down. “This… you made the decision on your own.”

“I made the best decision.” He sighed as he pushed the paper towards you. “Please sign them, let’s break free from each other.”

You couldn’t believe him or his words. He was acting as if he were in a prison and divorce would set him free. This was all a joke. You wonder where his love has gone to.

“You…” You collected yourself, as you met his eyes that you were avoiding for so long. “You are in love with someone else, aren’t you?”

He didn’t say anything, but you could see it all in his eyes. The regret of falling out of love on his own, him falling in love with someone else. His love wasn’t for you anymore, you could tell. He was about to apologize again but you shook your head interrupting him.

“DON’T.” You snapped, as your body tensed in its place. “Don’t apologize Jungkook. You can’t fix someone’s heart… right?”

After a long silence between the two of you, your tears dried down your cheeks as your reality hit you. You just woke up from the fairy tale world you were creating for yourself. You weren’t as special or lucky as you thought. Just another human being living in a cruel world, with cruel human hearts.

“Can we at least make things seem normal? For Nabi? She is just 4 years old. She needs you in her life. Don’t abandon her too.”

“Of course, I will always be here for her.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

You sniffed before reaching out for the pen and signing the divorce paper. Once again, your love for him broke your heart. You couldn’t hang on to him if he wanted to leave. If he already had someone else in his heart, there was no need to try and make things work with him anymore.

“Thank you-”

“Please stop!” Your voice was higher than you intended. “Stop, you are literally destroying me right now. So don’t thank me, Jungkook. Don’t.”

“Can we at least stay friends?” He asked and you gave him leaser eyes look.

“Please leave, you probably don’t want to make her wait for you.”

“I didn’t cheat on you, Y/N.” Jungkook said, “I have never cheated on you. This divorce is because I don’t want to cheat on you.”

You rolled your eyes as you pushed the paper to his chest. “We are done here. Enjoy your night with her.”

Biting on his lower lip, he stood up as he walked out of the door, closing it behind him carefully not to wake your daughter up.

You could feel the vibration of the door closing beneath your naked feet that was touching the ground. Once Jungkook was gone, the realization hit harder. There was no more Jungkook in your life. You were alone in this world. The one true love in your life left you thirsty in the ocean with no drinkable water.

You tried to stand on your feet, but they also betrayed you. You had no strengths whatsoever in your body anymore.

A sharp pain suddenly snapped in your stomach. It was so painful your eyes blurred for a second. Panicking, you reached for your phone to call Jungkook for help. However, calling him wouldn’t do him any good. Even though he was the fastest option, he was the most difficult option. Instead, you called the person whom you haven’t called for 5 years. Your friend whom you lost as time passed by.

The pain was getting worse, it was impossible to bear when the person finally picked up the phone call.

“Y/N?”

“Taehyung, please.” You breathed hard. “I don’t want to lose this baby. Please help.”

The phone dropped to the ground as you lost your focus. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you rested your head on the back of the sofa.

You really didn’t want to lose the baby that you kept inside of you for three months now. It was the last thing Jungkook gave to you. You cannot give up on it too.

Closing your eyes, trying to distract yourself from any negative thoughts, you hoped that Taehyung would arrive as soon as possible.

~~

A/N:

Kindly let me know what you think and if you would like to have a second part?

[panharmonium]

this is legitimately one of my top five favorite kakashi scenes.

i love seeing kakashi break the rules in the name of doing the right thing, and this scene especially is particularly satisfying to me, because his moment of defiance here is, to my mind, long overdue.  

one of my eternal frustrations in early naruto is how the leaf village administration gives kakashi the job of caring for a group of super high-needs children and then continually makes that job as difficult for him as possible.  they task him with being solely responsible for the development and well-being of three twelve year-olds - a group that includes naruto (a walking disaster with a god’s power trapped inside his body) and sasuke (a genocide survivor fixated on killing his own brother), BOTH of whom are being hunted by different groups of supercriminals - and then the village keeps getting in kakashi’s way or dropping the ball or actively ordering him to prioritize other things.  

so much of what goes wrong with the kids in this period is the result of other people interfering with kakashi’s work or being negligent or endangering the kids/putting kakashi in impossible positions.  team 7’s first big mission sets the tone for everything that comes after, with someone else’s lie putting kakashi in a situation where he has to single-handedly protect not just the client who deceived him, but the three children who were supposed to be the clients’ other protectors.  and after that, the list just multiplies:

ten anbu operatives can’t manage to protect sasuke’s hospital room from orochimaru’s minions, so kakashi has to do it himself and then whisk sasuke out of the village for a month, leaving naruto in the hands of a substitute and sakura with her parents

genma orders sasuke to chase after gaara when the chunin exams blow up, saying “you’re at chunin level already,” which forces kakashi to immediately dispatch more kids to bring him back, because “ffs NO i do NOT want him out there doing that why the fuck would you tell him to do that?!” 

aoba runs his mouth off about itachi when sasuke is standing RIGHT THERE, instantly undoing all the work kakashi just did to prevent itachi and sasuke from coming anywhere near each other (and thus sending sasuke to that disastrous first encounter, the outcome of which ultimately leads to sasuke’s defection)

jiraiya decides he should let sasuke try to fight itachi himself, “out of respect for the boy’s feelings,” leading to sasuke ending up in a tsukuyomi coma

tsunade orders kakashi to drop his teaching work and leave the village on a mission even though a) he’s just gotten out of his own torture-induced coma and b) sasuke is having a crisis that kakashi is trying to manage

and then when kakashi gets back from that mission and finds out that surprise, all of this meddling has led to a disaster, tsunade tries to order him away AGAIN

but this time - he just says no.

he walks right out of her office.  he turns his back on her.  and there is NOTHING i love more than seeing kakashi embody the philosophy that he’s chosen to adopt as his guiding light: those who break the rules are scum.  but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum.

it’s not that he doesn’t understand where tsunade is coming from here.  but he knows she’s wrong.  she’s making her decisions based solely on concerns about the Leaf Village being in a tight spot - feeling like they can’t turn down missions because they’ll appear weak and thus become vulnerable to attack when they’re already operating at half strength.  she sends a group of twelve year-olds to bring sasuke back because supposedly the village can’t spare anyone else, “even if it means letting the sharingan fall into orochimaru’s hands” - but like.  it’s not the sharingan.  it’s a child.  sasuke isn’t just a repository for his hereditary jutsu; he’s not a pair of eyes to be passed around from one wielder to the next.  he’s a human child.  

tsunade doesn’t know sasuke.  she’s new to the situation and doesn’t know enough about it to understand how serious it is.  i don’t even think she was still in the village when the uchiha massacre occurred; the timeline makes it sound like she left long before that.  she doesn’t really understand who sasuke is or how much trouble he’s in - she makes her decision because she feels like her first priority has to be the well-being of the Leaf as a whole, not the individual people who comprise it.  kakashi, though, who a) lives his life by a very different philosophy and b) does understand sasuke’s situation, would not have dealt with the issue like this, and if the village had let him do his job from the beginning, things wouldn’t have gotten to this point in the first place.

kakashi is horrified that tsunade sent a bunch of twelve year-olds out to fight orochimaru’s ninja, and i think he’s also probably angry and/or frustrated about having been ordered out of the village in the first place.  he was dealing with the situation before tsunade sent him away.  he interrupted the fight between sasuke and naruto even though he himself had literally just gotten out of the hospital, and then he continued addressing the issue with sasuke privately (unlike jiraiya’s non-attempt to address it with naruto, when he said he was going to give naruto a talking-to but actually flaked out).  kakashi knew sasuke was struggling, and he was doing all the things a teacher is supposed to do to address it, but then he was ordered away, and even though it was just for two days, it was enough time for everything to go to hell.

if people would just let him do his job - if the administration would let him focus on the task they themselves assigned to him - things would be different.  but everybody wants him to do everything.  they want him to be everywhere.  they want him to protect the nine-tails jinchuriki (who is also kakashi’s dead teacher’s son), and train the last surviving uchiha (which is a task only kakashi and his sharingan can perform), and give equal attention to a third kid, for good measure, and they want him to do it without stepping away from any of his other burdens, all while other people around him constantly frustrate the progress he makes.

so this time, when tsunade tries to send him away, he refuses.  he disobeys her orders and walks out of the room.  he doesn’t care about the rules or what he’s “legally” obligated to do.  he knows what the RIGHT thing to do is, and so he rejects his new mission in favor of rescuing the kids.

i love these moments.  i love when we’re shown so clearly the person kakashi has chosen to be - someone who does what’s right, not just what he’s told.  he made an active choice many years ago to adopt that philosophy, and he’s been living by those new rules ever since.  he's wiser now than he was when he was a child - sometimes you have to break ranks to do the right thing.  sometimes you have to buck the system, even if it means you might face severe personal consequences.

he had one of two choices: either save the mission or his comrades.  of course, according to the law of the village, you cannot abandon a mission.  but to save the life of his comrades, he put the mission on hold.

kakashi may have spent a good chunk of his childhood trying to reject everything the subject of that story stood for, but none of his attempts to harden his heart ever stuck.  he is, in the end, his father’s son.

[phoenixyfriend]

Time Travel ft. Leia and Vader

(Helped by @atagotiak)

I was reading a bunch of different time travel fics, and my brain slotted in that one "Vader hands over the Empire to Leia and is now her most devoted sycophant" dynamic and mixed it with the "Luke and Vader time-travel and Vader does the right thing but only because it would make Luke sad if he didn't."

I landed on "Leia time travels to prequels era, but her least favorite family member has also traveled with her, though it takes him a few months to find her because he has less resources without the entire Imperial Navy, but he's still a scary Sith in all black with a breathing mask and intimidating cape."

"Tiny angry lady who wants to force democracy and her giant Sith father whom she hates but has resigned herself to pointing at threats like a tank who inexplicably loves her" is a delightful dynamic.

The first few months included a lot of concern about "why do you know so much about Sith if you're not trained or looking to be one" and then Vader shows up and calls her 'daughter' and she insults him and it's like "Oh. That explains it."

Council Member: We have a Sith in the Temple. Vader: Former Sith. Leia: Listen. He is your best chance against Sidious. Also, do you want Dooku dead? Vader can make him dead. Council Member: Your father i-- Leia, scrunching up her face: Don't call him that.

Like Leia is deep in conversation when the Temple starts panicking because Vader just. Showed up? He snuck in, somehow? So Palpatine wouldn't catch him on video entering through the front door? And people try to keep her away from the trouble, because there's an entire array of Jedi Masters to deal with this Surprise Sith, except she can sense exactly which Sith it is and once she shouts "oh you have got to be kidding me!" she just starts running and, well, it's Leia. Nobody can stop her.

(Leia does have less combat training, at least less force-assisted combat training, than the Jedi. But then the Jedi don’t want to hurt here here. She's not fighting her way down, either, she's just running really fast and all the best fighters already left. They had a head start. So Leia's mostly running past random padawans and the like.)

She shoves her way to the front of the group of Masters who. Well, they're certainly ready to attack. But Vader is just standing there. Doing nothing. Still intimidating as fuck but he's not doing anything.

And then Leia bursts onto the scene like "You motherfucker."

She hits her head on a clipboard and whines because UGH he's a walking WMD and they could REALLY use him against Palpatine but also. She hates him so much.

She tries to hand him off to the Jedi council but he insists that he will only take orders from Leia herself.

Jedi: Wait, what. Leia, completely ignoring them: Did you follow me here? Vader, through the mechanical wheezing: I have no loyalty to my master and no empire to serve. You are all that I have left. Leia: Me? Me? I'm all that you have left? You committed a genocide that killed all the family I had except for the twin brother you later mutilated! Jedi: Wait what Vader, going to one knee: I pledge my loyalty and blade to you and only you, daughter. Leia, ready to explode: I. I just. Jedi, some of whom really want to say things but are slowly realizing that they just accidentally acquired a Sith Lord by proxy: What. Leia: I hate you so much but I can't even get rid of you, you're too useful. Vader: I live to serve. Leia: Yeah. Got that. Fuck. Someone get him a full medical rundown, I don't know the last time that mess of a life support system was updated. Jedi, agitated again: WHAT Leia: Listen, I don't like him, but I'm not stupid enough to throw away the second most dangerous person in the universe when I can point him at the most dangerous person in the universe. Especially not if he's going to listen to me. Jedi: But... he's a Sith. Leia: Please trust me when I say this: you might be able to take him down eventually, but he will take dozens of you down with him, and right now he's... honestly, I'm pretty sure he's more depressed than malicious. Jedi: You hate him. I can feel it. Leia: Yes, but I can be professional about it. Vader: They have not yet d-- Leia: Nope! No talking! Not until I've had a chance to process this mess!

There is a whole lot of Leia snapping at Vader to stop it whenever he starts giving off vibes like he wants to take the most violent shortcut possible.

She is not the gentle hand that Luke would be.

Leia isn't a Jedi or working for them but she's wormed her way into being an ally. They don't 100% trust her, especially not with Vader just showing up and declaring her family but like

How do you say no to a WMD walking into your house and saying "I will fight the monster you cower from at night."

There's a lot of Leia snapping off an admonishment that sounds just a little too odd and then when questioned she just says "He knows what he did."

tbh I'm not sure how long it takes for them to tell anyone that Anakin is Vader. They might hold it off in hopes that Anakin can just retire to be Mr. Amidala after the war is over.

Well, Leia hopes. Vader just lets Leia make that call and then glowers at his younger self every time they're in the same room.

I do feel like Leia tells Obi-Wan the truth first

Imagine. Imagine a Vader who’s past still isn’t known. But has gotten somewhat comfortable around the Jedi (not really but the bar for what counts and comfortable for him is low). And Obi-Wan habitually banters with darksiders, right? If Vader’s guard is down for a moment and he, without thinking, references an inside joke...

Might be the most fun in terms of ways to tell Obi-Wan "We're time travelers and Vader is what happens if you let Palpatine drive Anakin off the edge"

If Vader has decided to pledge himself to her orders after destroying her planet, then fine. She can work with that. She's not going to be happy about it, but she can make it work.

The Jedi Temple hates having Vader anywhere nearby but he is actually very good at hiding himself from people, including Palpatine And for all that Leia seems perpetually irritated with her apparent bodyguard, he does seem to listen to her.

Jedi council: We still haven't figured out how to handle Dooku Leia: Do you know his location? Jedi council: Yes. Leia: [sigh] Leia: Vader, deal with it. Alive if possible.

(Leia does need to clarify an acceptable level of violence against the people protecting Dooku.) (She needs to clarify... many things.)

Leia always says "Vader" and one time a poor fool just asks why she doesn't call him dad and she snarls out "He is not the man that raised me, and I am glad for it."

Someone less foolish later prods more compassionately and she lets them know she was adopted and didn't properly meet Vader except in passing until she was nineteen.

"And then he tortured you." "And then he tortured me, yes." "Damn." "Didn't even find out we were related until a few years later when he chopped my brother's arm off." "You... wow." "I know."

At least one exchange that is L: You mean when you tortured me? A: He did what. V: I was not aware of our relation at that time. L: Not the point! I am fully aware of your interrogation methods and I refuse to let you be the one to acquire the evidence for-- A: Wait no go back he tortured you? L: Move on, please, we already have. A: That means I'm... oh Force, I'm going to torture my own daughter what in the actual fu-- L: We're moving on.

(“I end up torturing my own daughter” If Leia’s feeling especially spiteful I can see her saying “you mutilate your own son too”)

Concept: Leia is very free with traumatizing details of her past re:Vader and Anakin thinks that it sucks but doesn’t think much of it bc Sith. And then some time later he finds out...

(I love characters who use the traumatizing details of their past to shut down conversations.)

It's such a wonderfully horrifying concept for him to try to awkwardly comfort this girl he kind of knows because having a Sith for a dad sounds like it would suck and Leia seems nice, even if she's kind of weird and uncomfortable around Anakin, but he saw her flinch around a few other tall people wearing black robes the way she stiffens around Vader so maybe it's just that!

It is not.

Vader does get a significant amount of medical treatment. Including a bunch of "holy shit, that's a lot of drugs" and similar. There is so much lightning damage.

hnnng I'm just really in love with the image of Tiny Tiny Leia sitting behind a desk for some fancy negotiation, the picture of professionalism, while Vader just stands behind her shoulder, looming, glaring expressionless death at whoever came to speak with his baby girl.

Not that he would call her that, because she'd just hate him more and he's really not sure how to fix that problem, other than doing whatever she asks with no complaints and hoping she appreciates it.

Vader: [looks at children wandering by, has complicated emotions] Leia, tired of his shit: What now? Vader: I killed them, once. Leia, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath: And you're not going to do that again. No killing children. Vader: I know that. Leia: Great. I am... regretting asking. I am so very much regretting asking.

I do really like the idea of someone asking Leia once if she wants Jedi training and she says, no, actually, she's fully aware of the fact that she's angry little ball of hate sometimes, especially towards her bio father, and she'd like to refrain from putting herself in a position where she knows enough about the Force to Fall. She wouldn't Fall. But it does make people shut up.

[bananonbinary]

Time for a Salty Meta Post about Martin!

people who’ve followed this blog for a bit know that spending six hours combing through text for some goddamn sources is my specialty, so i compiled every time jon ever talked about martin’s work in season 1. which for the record, he stopped complaining about all the way back in episode 26, where he was angry that martin of all people got hurt.

things jon gets mad at martin for:

not being able to find records that don’t exist

not being able to find someone based only on a first name

the Dog

not wearing trousers in his off-hours

being the one that got caught up in the jane prentiss thing

mag 004 and mag 012 both have jon taking potshots at martin over research that was proven accurate by outside sources

things jon has never once complained about:

martin not understanding the filing system and just putting stuff away at random

martin being clumsy, constantly ruining things, spilling tea everywhere everyday, etc

martin turning in incompetent, poorly-edited, or badly formatted reports

martin not understanding the terminology used, skills expected, etc., and generally being extremely new to the field

please for the love of god stop making martin the silly bumbling idiot who can’t do anything right just because he doesn’t have a formal education. there’s zero evidence for it in the text, and it’s really weird to act like a 4 year degree would outweigh the *10 years* of job experience he has, not just in academia, but in the institute itself by season one. my boy has worked there longer than ANY of the rest of the main cast. screw you guys.

tl;dr: martin is never once shown to be bad at his job, jon pretty much only ever gets mad at him for the really stupid first impression and also not finding stuff that no one else was able to find either. after martin got hurt, jon talks about his research basically the same way he talks about tim’s or sasha’s work.

fucking proof under the cut:

(i didnt include the s1 finale or martin’s statement bc that’s just...two entire episodes of them talking to each other, but there isn’t really any notable Martin Complaints in either of them imo)

I swear, if he’s brought another dog in here, I’m going to peel him.

[pre-launch trailer]

.

Well, technically three, but I don’t count Martin as he’s unlikely to contribute anything but delays.

[...] Alongside this Tim, Sasha and, yes, I suppose, Martin will be doing some supplementary investigation to see what details may be missing from what we have.

[MAG001 Anglerfish]

.

Martin couldn’t find any records of Ex Altiora as a title in existent catalogues of esoteric or similar literature, so I assigned Sasha to double-check. Still nothing.

[MAG004 Pageturner]

.

I had Martin conduct a follow-up interview with Mr. Woodward last week, but it was unenlightening. Apparently there have been no further bags at number 93 and in the intervening years he has largely discounted many of the stranger aspects of his experience. I wasn’t expecting much, as time generally makes people inclined to forget what they would rather not believe, but at least it got Martin out of the Institute for an afternoon, which is always a welcome relief.

[MAG005 Thrown Away]

.

Martin was unable to find the exact date the original house was built but the earliest records he could find list it as being bought by Walter Fielding in 1891.

[...]

We cannot prove any connection, but Martin unearthed a report on an Agnes Montague, who was found dead in her Sheffield flat on the evening of November 23rd 2006, the same day Mr. Lensik claims to have uprooted the tree.

[MAG008 Burned Out]

.

According to Martin, who was here when they took this statement, it was at this point in writing that Mr. Herbert announced he needed some sleep before continuing. He was shown to the break room where he went to sleep on the couch. He did not awaken; unfortunately succumbing to the lung cancer right there. Martin says the staff had been aware of how serious Mr. Herbert’s condition was, and had advised him to seek medical aid prior to giving his statement, but were told rather bluntly by the old man that he would not wait another second to state his case. I can’t decide whether this lends more or less credibility to his tale.

[MAG010 Vampire Killer]

.

“Veepalach” might also be a mishearing of the Polish word “wypalać”, according to Martin, which means to cauterize or brand. Admittedly, if Martin speaks Polish in the same way he “speaks Latin,” then he might be talking nonsense again, but I’ve looked it up and it appears to check out.

[MAG012 First Aid]

.

I sent Martin to look into this ‘Angela’ character - not that I want him to get chopped up, of course, but someone had to. Apparently, he spent three days looking into every woman named Angela in Bexley over the age of 50. He could not find anyone that matches the admittedly vague description given here, though he informs me that he had some very pleasant chats about jigsaws. Useless ass.

[MAG014 Piecemeal]

.

Martin declined to help with this investigation as he’s “a bit claustrophobic”

[MAG015 Lost John’s Cave]

.

There simply aren’t enough details given in this statement to actually investigate, short of Martin confirming that Mr. Vittery did indeed live at the addresses he provided.

[MAG016 Arachnophobia]

.

Oh, he’s off sick this week. Stomach problems, I think.

Blessed relief if you ask me.

[...]

I asked Martin to try and hunt down Mr. Adekoya himself for a follow-up, but have been informed that he passed away in 2006. 

[MAG017 The Boneturner’s Tale]

.

MARTIN

Well, I need to tell someone what happened, and you can vouch for the soundness of my mind, can’t you?

ARCHIVIST

…

That is beside the point.

[MAG022 Colony]

.

Martin! Good lord man, if you’re going to be staying in the Archives, at least have the decency to put some trousers on!

[MAG023 Schwartzwald]

.

Martin found one other thing while combing through police reports for the Hither Green area. About a month after this statement was given, on May 15th, 2015, police were called out to once again investigate the chapel.

[MAG025 Growing Dark]

.

I know, but it would have to have been Martin, wouldn’t it? I mean, anything goes wrong around here, it always seems to happen to him. Anyway, we’re getting off topic. Why didn’t you report this?

[MAG026 A Distortion]

.

Martin made contact with the son, Marcus McKenzie, but he declined to talk to us, saying that he’d “already made his statement.”

[MAG027 A Sturdy Lock]

.

Tim and Martin had a bit more luck investigating Tom Haan, though only really enough to confirm that he seems to have completely vanished following his departure from Aver Meats on the 12th of July.

[MAG030 Killing Floor]

.

Martin’s research would seem to indicate the place employed a reasonable number of international staff they preferred to keep off the books

[...]

TIM

Ah well, that’s actually what he was asking, huh! Um, apparently Martin, uh, took delivery of a couple of items last week addressed to you. Did he not mention it?

ARCHIVIST

No, he… Oh, yes, actually. I completely forgot. He said he put it in my desk drawer, hold on.

[MAG036 Taken Ill]

[suganovakawa]

જ — rumor has it!

# 17 ༉‧ yes or no

smau masterlist

✧ ｡ synopsis : though hajime has reassured you time and time again that you two attending different schools would be plenty manageable in your guys’ relationship, your imagination is left to wander when he slowly begins to ghost you.

જ — a/n : it’s finally here! sorry to keep you waiting :,)

— if you could, could you check out this google form for just a few moments of your time? it’s a surprise, but please choose five characters from that list. it would really help a lot!

out of all the places hajime could’ve taken you, you were not expecting an empty parking lot. previously, it belonged to a local grocery store a couple of years back, before it went out of business.

was it necessarily a bad place? of course not. nobody seemed to be around, so if you wanted to yell at him? you’d be able to without so much as batting an eyelash.

that seemed to be the least of iwaizumi’s worries as he turned off the car when he parked in a spot in the middle of the lot, his jaw clenched tightly as both of you sat in silence. not even the hum of the engine was there to alleviate the awkward tension.

“are we talking here, or are we talking outside?” you mustered the courage to speak first, watching as he jumped slightly at the sound of your own nervousness.

“it doesn’t matter. it’s up to you.” his voice seemed almost squeaky as he looked straightforward and out the windshield.

it was obvious the two of you were procrastinating on what was to come. you didn’t want to hear the truth, and hajime was afraid of facing the reality of the situation. the cat had to be let out of the bag one way or another. you had come this far already, there was no way in hell you would chicken out—not when the truth was sitting right next to you, right in the driver’s seat.

“hajime, just—just tell me what happened. please. pretending like it’s not going to hurt will just make both of our lives a living hell. i already know nothing will make this situation any better.” you couldn’t even look at him. your hands were rested on your lap, your fingers clenched tightly into fists. your palms were sweaty, and your stomach was running a mile a minute. what you were going through may not have even held a candle to what iwa was going through.

but iwaizumi isn’t the victim here. you are.

“where do you want me to start?” his voice was faint, weak—unlike anything you had ever heard before.

it was obvious he wasn’t going to confess to anything without a push in that direction.

you wanted to yell at him in frustration; it was going to bubble out of your throat any minute. but that wouldn’t help both of your situations.

well, it might help yours.

“did you do it?” if he was going to act stupid, might as well push him into a corner about it. enough was enough, your lack of patience outweighed any nervousness you once had. “just admit it, hajime. who is she?”

“were you the one who had karasuno go to the—”

“answer my question.”

he looked to you then—he turned pale at the angry look in your eyes. “stop acting like you have nothing to share. i know you better than that. we wouldn’t be here in the first place. you’re guilty of something, and i’ve been thrown into the loop of it, whether i wanted to be in it or not.”

it was then he started shaking. he wasn’t crying, no. this was fear, unyielding terror he held within the very marrow of his bones, eating him from the inside out. you were so close. so very close to getting the answer. this was either a yes or no, it had to be.

“i didn’t,” he finally mustered, leaning forward to grip the steering wheel with an iron grip. “y/n, you have to understand. i didn’t, i didn’t, i didn’t...”

“then who is she, hajime?” you couldn’t tell if he was lying or not, and it was eating at you. “who is the girl? why does she have my number? how does she have my number? what did she get out of exploiting whatever the two of you had, huh? i don’t get it.” so many questions, yet so few answers. “i genuinely don’t understand. i need your help in understanding. please.”

his hold around the steering wheel loosened, until he leaned back into his seat. you were getting more annoyed by the second, but you had said everything you needed to say.

“i didn’t do anything with her,” he repeated, swallowing a lump in his throat. in a matter of seconds, everything began to spill from his tongue. “she’s a family friend who moved to seijoh this year. i don’t know why she moved, when she had been attending shiratorizawa before now. my family asked me to show her around and whatnot, and i agreed to it because i know her, and she was new around school.”

he hesitated before continuing. “it was fine at first, then she asked for tutoring lessons, after school meetings, and all that. i kept saying no until she became so pushy that both her parents and mine told me to at least tutor her. so i did.”

that’s it? you were almost speechless at all this, all this frustration and fear in your system as he became silence once more. “tutoring lessons?” you asked, almost unbelieving of the words that had come out of your own mouth. “i don’t care about tutoring lessons, hajime. why couldn’t you have just told me?”

“because i slowly began to like the tutoring sessions, alright?” he shut you up with one sentence as soon as you started raising your voice. iwa's words hit you harder than expected, you backed up into your own seat as soon as he took a deep breath.

“i didn’t think i would start looking forward to them, but after a couple weeks, i began getting too comfortable. she became more down to earth than i thought she would be, and we became closer.” he buried his face in his hands, as if that would help him atone for his mistakes. “it had nothing to do with you. don’t think i got tired of you, because i would never, and i mean that. please—”

“would you have actually done anything with her if i never found out?” hajime’s eyes widened as your voice cracked, your arms wrapping around your own stomach in discomfort.

“y/n—”

“would you?”

“no.” not even a moment of hesitation. “i would never.”

“how can you be so sure?” you were angry, frustrated, confused—so many thoughts, so many questions... you were at a complete loss of words, yet too many were threatening to spill out all at once. “you were already comfortable with being able to see her more than you were able to see me. how can you say so easily that the thought of doing anything else with her never crossed your mind?”

“because i love you, not her.” his hand reached up to touch yours, but you moved away from him, as far away as you could in the passenger seat. he placed his hand back down into his pockets before continuing. “i’m not sure if you remember, but there was one night where you thought i was unwell, because i wasn’t texting like my usual self.”

you nodded silently to acknowledge your memory of that day. “that’s because it wasn’t me. that was her. i must’ve left my phone unlocked while i had left the dining room to turn on my car and she took it. by the time i dropped her off at home, you began messaging me about being bored of our relationship, because of how she had texted you. i was terrified that it had come to this, that i was too ashamed of myself to admit to what had been going on.”

“and the other ten minutes?”

“she forgot her homework at my house.”

you almost hated how his explanation fit perfectly into the entire situation. that would explain how she got your number. “i just... i don’t get why you had to hide all of this from me. don’t you trust me? have our years of being together not account for anything? do you really think i would care about tutoring lessons?”

“they weren’t supposed to be lessons. they turned from fifteen minute meetups to a scheduled hour almost everyday. i didn’t realize just how normal it had become for me until both you and oikawa began ignoring me.” you could tell he was having difficulty confessing to everything, but you weren’t going to stop until he coughed out every remaining detail out of him.

“...and the cafe?”

“i wanted to end everything, i swear. end the lessons, end anything that began to develop a deeper relationship.” iwaizumi shook his head at the thought and leaned his head against the headrest, staring up at the roof of his vehicle. “i wanted to do it without having to drag you into this mess, so that it would never happen again. then i saw karasuno walking out as soon as i was about to say something.”

“what did you do after they left?” that also lined up perfectly with what both sugawara and nishinoya told you that day.

“i still did it. i told her that our meetings were over and that i was no longer going to affiliate with her outside of school, or anywhere in general. i stood up and left before she could say anything.” he glanced in your direction and sat straight once more, his hands fidgety and his foot tapping lightly near the pedals. “that was that. i didn’t even drive her home. i drove back to my house and blocked her number. after thinking about my mistakes, i called you. then everything unfolded to now.” you were still trying to process everything that was just let out, and hajime slumped into his seat. “that’s it. that’s all that happened. you can even check my phone if you want.”

you didn’t want to see his phone. currently, you didn’t know what you wanted. part of you was thinking about getting out of his car and walking home. surely he didn’t think that just telling you the truth would be the answer to all of your problems?

“why are you sorry, hajime?” after more silence had filled the air, you pierced it with a needle. “that you got caught? that i found out? that you made a mistake? why?”

“because i let something so stupid drag out this far.”

“be honest with me.” you interrupted him before he could continue. “did you grow feelings for her at one point?”

“feelings?”

“you’re not naive. you know what i’m asking you.”

he hesitated, which was all the answer you needed. his silence was louder than any other response he could have given you. you were just heartbroken that absolutely none of this was your fault.

iwaizumi noticed your shift in emotion, and his voice cracked under the pressure of the situation, and you could tell he was trying his hardest to keep everything in. “i shouldn’t have let it come to this, and i know apologizing won’t change anything. but you have to believe that i never did a thing with her. and i don’t have feelings for her. none. the closest i ever got to her was accidentally touching the same pencil as her.” his tone became more desperate, he was losing whatever restraint he had left. “i swear, you don’t have to forgive me now, but please let me make it up to you eventually. i promise—”

“hajime, please drive me home.”

“what?”

“i said, please drive me home.” this really wasn’t a yes or no situation. everything about this was anything but yes or no.

he was unfaithful, but he wasn’t. he cheated... but did he really?

depends on your standpoint of cheating, isn’t it?

“thank you for telling me everything. i trust you enough to believe that what you said was the truth, but i just want to go home now. please.”

he didn’t respond to your monotone response, he knew that was the end of this conversation. with a heavy heart he started his engine and drove out of the empty parking lot, the space between you figuratively wider the longer you two remained in the same car together. the road stretched far ahead, you let your thoughts spin into an endless frenzy all the way back home. the noise in your head refused to subside as hajime parked in your driveway, changing the stick shift to park and unlocking the door.

you reached for the door handle to open it, but hesitated. was this really the end of you two? you didn’t know if it was or not—you didn’t know if you wanted it to be over. you still loved him. that feeling wouldn’t go away overnight. and while hajime made an extremely stupid mistake, you knew he loved you as well. but this was something that couldn’t be ignored. you couldn’t just pretend this never happened. you were better than that.

“i don’t know what’s going to happen yet,” you said truthfully, gathering the courage to turn around and look hajime in the eye. “i just want to think about it for now. that’s all.”

“take your time. i’ll always wait for you.” he sounded broken, but you had made up your mind. with only a simple nod to say goodbye, you opened the door without turning back, rushing back into your house before watching hajime drive away with a sharp pain in your chest.

what the hell are you gonna do now?

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