#talked to my doctor about this
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i swear to god the universe is trying to prevent me from getting on anxiety meds
#I THOUGHT I HAD IT SORTED OUT THIS TIME but nooooo#last time it was bad timing to start & then i chickened out & didnt make a doctors appointment for ages#finally had another appointment and got a new prescription#it's bad timing again b/c im going on a trip but im just going to start right after i get back#talked to my doctor about this#she was like 'ok try it for six weeks and come back' & we booked a followup appointment for 6 weeks out from when ill start#and i was like 'so the prescription is for 6 weeks worth?' and she was like 'no it's 8 actually'#cool! sounds great! sounds like a plan!#i went to the pharmacy and picked it up#didnt look at it which i guess was a mistake#just looked at it now and#they gave me nine tablets.#NINE. TABLETS.#THIS IS NOT 8 WEEKS OF MEDS GUYS#WHO FUCKED UP MY PRESCRIPTION#theres no refills either!#im on half a tablet for 2 weeks so 9 tablets will last... 16 days -_-#they also charged me $23 for this which like. jesus christ#sure fine i'll pay $900 a year for mental health meds if they actually HELP but. oh my god#these did not cost $2.55 a tablet when i filled the previous prescription for the same med#i do still have that & will use it after i get a pharmacist's advice on whether it's like. still good. dont want to fuck around w/ that#but. smh#idk if they gave me the wrong amount or my doctor wrote the wrong amount#2 weeks on half + 6 weeks on full should be 49 pills#.....ah. someone dropped the 4#i hope they charged me for all 49 already lol it would be nice if this doesnt cost me another $100#personal
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mutual 1: god i sure wish this thing i think about 24/7 was good mutual 2: god i sure wish this thing i think about 24/7 was good mutual 3: god i sure wish this thing i think about 24/7 was good mutual 4: god i sure wish this thing i think about 24/7 was good mutual 5: god i sure wish this thing i think about 24/7 was good mutual 6: god i sure wish this thing i think about 24/7 was good
#seagull.mp3#good to see we're all terminally abnormal about things that are only good in our heads#this is about me talking about doctor who and my mutual ink talking about trails of cold steel and both of us talking about star wars#repetition
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I love how the TARDIS had a human form with eleven and she was like "my thief, my thief, I love my thief" BUT FAILED TO MENTION THE GOD OF DEATH HAD BEEN IN HER BACK FOR DECADES.
#my poor thing had the time mixed up so i don't blame her#but#you know#this is the kind of things you are supposed to talk about#for the next time#doctor who#doctor who spoilers#sutekh#the legend of ruby sunday#dw#the tardis#human tardis#empire of death
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real talk having the 2nd worst new years eve yet 🤢🤢🤢 (throat infection, twisted neck, banged-about-foot, ego AND the rest o' me all bruised like misjuggled peaches 🍑🍑🍑)
im bent outa shape and suspectin the universe owes me 8 buck if anyone wannsa chip in
#yes the 🍑🍑🍑was just an excuse to shove ass emojis in your face i'm only (occasionally. allegedly) human#now ask me about my FIRST worst new year eve. it involves wizards and portals and elaborate lies i make up on the spot#SAD REAL TALK <STARTS>:#also made the mistake of reaching out to my mom post-xmas#like what kind of c-ptsd NOOB does that. what kinda chronic holiday trauma survivor NOVICE??? embarrassing#THE SEDUCTIVE FALSE HOPE OF NOSTALGIA WILL LURE YOU IN EVERY TIME#'oh but maybe they won't disappoint me. but maybe they won't rip my heart out this time'#sweetheart that's your dear sweet inner child's yearning for what never was or will be. BEAT IT BACK WITH A STICK!#SAD REAL TALK <ENDS>#....back to that part where i talked about being bent out of shape#if anyone w/ metalwork skills wants ta take a blowtorch & hammer & tongs & have at... I'm open to experimentation is all im sayin#in lieu of that i would also welcome someone buying me a sandwich. i am. so sore.#(metaphysically sore but also the other more urgent im-at-my-daily-NSAIDs-limit kinda sore)#(hence: sanwimch)#...i got so sleepy writing this i started imagining the astonishing hedonism#of stroking a freshly grilled cheese-dripping sandwhich across my body like a loofah#the soothingness of the gooey warm near liquid cheese. the vaguely spongelike quality of toasted sourdough slice.#look i didn't imagine it on PURPOSE it just came to me like a vision like a threat#like one of those weird mens locker room ads where the sportsball is watermelon??? u know the one#where there's nudity & food & homoerotica & hot steaming showers in the background and STILL the overall effect is more offputting than sex#look i have a throat infection. i can barely swallow. i'm sipping chocolate milk to survive and i'm NOT EVEN ENJOYING IT. each drop is agon#(opposite side of the Tantalus spectrum but i'm suffering more than he has in 3.5 thousand years)#i'm dehydrated. barely conscious. electrolytes are circling down the drain. doctors should be incubating me w/ capri sun straws right now.#I GET A PASS ON THESE TAGS#i don't know what i wrote! and i don't stand by it! and you can't make me read em!!!
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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.
three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.
two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.
their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.
one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.
i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.
i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.
and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?
you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.
a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.
someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.
#writeblr#warm up#this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru#but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist#ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work#part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just#like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r#ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week#this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism#imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY#''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''
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Someone: *mentions doctor who*
Me, vibrating with the effort it’s taking to not talk about something no average show watcher would even have heard of: oh yeah cool show
#it’s so easy to get me to talk about obscure doctor who shit#I will bring up looms#and my options on time lords#doctor who#this is nothing against people who have only watched the show or don’t know any lore I am just insane
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As cameras becomes more normalized (Sarah Bernhardt encouraging it, grifters on the rise, young artists using it), I wanna express how I will never turn to it because it fundamentally bores me to my core. There is no reason for me to want to use cameras because I will never want to give up my autonomy in creating art. I never want to become reliant on an inhuman object for expression, least of all if that object is created and controlled by manufacturing companies. I paint not because I want a painting but because I love the process of painting. So even in a future where everyone’s accepted it, I’m never gonna sway on this.
if i have to explain to you that using a camera to take a picture is not the same as using generative ai to generate an image then you are a fucking moron.
#ask me#anon#no more patience for this#i've heard this for the past 2 years#“an object created and controlled by companies” anon the company cannot barge into your home and take your camera away#or randomly change how it works on a whim. you OWN the camera that's the whole POINT#the entire point of a camera is that i can control it and my body to produce art. photography is one of the most PHYSICAL forms of artmakin#you have to communicate with your space and subjects and be conscious of your position in a physical world.#that's what makes a camera a tool. generative ai (if used wholesale) is not a tool because it's not an implement that helps you#do a task. it just does the task for you. you wouldn't call a microwave a “tool”#but most importantly a camera captures a REPRESENTATION of reality. it captures a specific irreproducible moment and all its data#read Roland Barthes: Studium & Punctum#generative ai creates an algorithmic IMITATION of reality. it isn't truth. it's the average of truths.#while conceptually that's interesting (if we wanna get into media theory) but that alone should tell you why a camera and ai aren't the sam#ai is incomparable to all previous mediums of art because no medium has ever solely relied on generative automation for its creation#no medium of art has also been so thoroughly constructed to be merged into online digital surveillance capitalism#so reliant on the collection and commodification of personal information for production#if you think using a camera is “automation” you have worms in your brain and you need to see a doctor#if you continue to deny that ai is an apparatus of tech capitalism and is being weaponized against you the consumer you're delusional#the fact that SO many tumblr lefists are ready to defend ai while talking about smashing the surveillance state is baffling to me#and their defense is always “well i don't engage in systems that would make me vulnerable to ai so if you own an apple phone that's on you”#you aren't a communist you're just self-centered
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#the doctor will say everything but "I love you"
Bonus: #comeuppance
#doctor who#dwedit#doctorwhoedit#timelordgifs#dwgif#tvedit#10th doctor#tenth doctor#12th doctor#twelfth doctor#13th doctor#thirteenth doctor#river song#14th doctor#fourteenth doctor#char.gif#this isnt the most cohesive set but i had to let this out of my skull#i wanna give a ted talk about how the doctor has spent so long letting ppl they care about never truly know how much they care#most horribly their romantic partners (not to say doctordonna is romantic but yk)#and how i truly think The Fam (tm) and most specifically squandering a relationship with Yaz finally made the doctor try vulnerability#i write this all down eventually
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Exam week is coming up, so one last doodle dump before I go back to work
Killer belongs to rahafwabas
Color belongs to Superyoumna
Ccino belongs to black-nyanko
Doctor Megalo Sans belongs to ArtyRean on Twitter
(Suggestive but not really drawing below cut)
Reaper belongs to renrink
I was stressed and I needed to draw something funny
#art#utmv#killer sans#color sans#ccino sans#dm sans#doctor megalo sans#reaper sans#I wanted to make a whole post about my ccino headcanon but#I didn’t have time and I forgot#I was gonna talk about how he keeps his eyes closed cause he’s too tired#and he only opens them when he’s surprised or shocked
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being on your period is the closet any human can ever get to turning into a werewolf
#if u get it u get it.#sorry f or all the posts about my pms. no im not im insane this month literally had a mental collapse and nearly got#a doctor called on me so i think it's ok to talk about these things no shame#anyway
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Losing my shit about this article in which a transphobic Tory was so busy panicking about existing in the vicinity of a Trans that she almost certainly misheard "jeans" as "penis" and decided that not only was this a problem with the other woman, but also that the world must be informed of this pressing danger.
"a trans woman! I had to stand directly behind her....I thought, 'this is going well', I'm handling The Situation fine'..."
translated: I saw a tall woman with broad shoulders. How would I get out of this alive? I thought. she has a PENIS. PENIS PENIS PENIS. through some force of PENIS I mean will I managed to PENIS behave normally towards her. My hands were PENIS PENIS PENIS shaking as I tried to dry them. summoning up all my PENIS courage I said 'dryer's crap innit'. she turned to me and said " yeah I'm just goiPENIS PENIS PENIS"
It's been a week and I'm still shaking. This proves trans women are the problem and I'm not weird. I'm fine. It's fine. If you think about it I'm the hero hePENIS!!!!!
very this
#red said#it's just. I'm obsessed.#everyone on Twitter is saying 'never happened' and i think they're wrong#this absolutely did happen and she's been obsessing over how vindicated it made her feel enough to WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT#because she MISHEARD SOMEONE IN A CASUAL CONVERSATION#i lay out my reasoning thusly: if you were INVENTING a scary trans woman in bathroom story out of nothing. why would it be this?#why would you go with 'we had a banal conversation until she said a sentence that makes no sense and that no human has ever uttered#but which does coincidentally sounds almost exactly like a mishearing of a very NORMAL thing to say in the circumstances#then she left and nothing else occurred'#if you were going to INVENT a story you would probably make it MAKE SENSE or SOUND THREATENING#i truly believe this is a very authentically told account of what she thinks happened#because who would. by means other than mishearing. think 'I'm going to wipe my hands on my penis' makes any sense at all.#a) 'I'm going to dry my hands on my genitals' says the presumably fully clothed woman#b) who then proceeds to leave without doing anything threatening#c) WHO SAYS PENIS THREATENINGLY? sorry it's writing out 'penis' repeatedly that made this jump out to me but like. who says that?#you might hear someone talk casually about their dick or cock but i stg it's only doctors and TERFs who casually use the word penis much#it's so. clinically descriptive. it's a weird use of language. but it IS. something you could plausibly mishear from 'pants' or 'trousers'
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jim being canonically the shortest one of the triumvirate is genuinely so important to me lmao, like yesssssss, let that beefy babe be shorter than both his boyfriends!!!!
#james t kirk#star trek#star trek tos#st:tos#it's me and i against the tide of ppl shrinking bones lmaooo. which is fine obviously whatever makes ppl happy - go forth & shrink the doc!#but jim canonically being the shortest.......i love it so much.......he absolutely lowkey has a chip on his shoulder about it.......#he is SO beefy and strong and can haul both his boyfriends around!!!! but it doesn't change the fact that he's shorter <33333333#it's only like an inch difference between him and bones but jim hates it!!! and also pretends he doesn't hate it <3333#jim kirk my beloved!!!!!!!!!!!#there's some casual comment made about it and then *six hours* later jim is like 'AND FOR THE RECORD I AM *BARELY* SHORTER THAN YOU'#and bones is just '............what? where is this coming from???? and jim's like 'THAT REMARK THE PRIESTESS MADE SIX HOURS AGO'#and bones is just '..........when we're no longer in the middle of a firefight we should probably talk about this and why you're so upset'#'in the meantime though can we please get out of this firefight because i don't wanna die'#spock; SUPER helpfully: and as the doctor is taller than you captain he does make a more visible target#bones; scrubbing his hand across his face: SPOCK YOU'RE NOT HELPING#spock: .....i did not realize you expected me to#mcspirk
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spocktism.mov
#this is his most autistic moment he's literally so me (except it's me talking about him)#my posts#st#tos#star trek tos#star trek the original series#spock#s'chn t'gai spock#k/s#kirk#captain kirk#jim kirk#james t kirk#spiri#mcspirk#spones#leonard mccoy#doctor mccoy#bones mccoy#spock's brain
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A fierce duel commences!
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#game dev diary#This was a test to figure out busts (art style & methodology as well as implementation & uploading)!#Game progress is going well! It is not the most showy content at the moment though....but soon!#I have made more spritesheets + wrote a 20 page script for the beginning of the game + lots of mechanical stuff.#OOH and our main town has a map and I've hammered out most of the major character designs!#(I have a comic I will share later this week about how character design talk in a team setting has been going so far.)#This gif is to share a little bit of whimsy and joy with you all. Because we are having so much fun!#Fanart like this is great for practicing a new medium! Also very few people would care to see my custom windowskins.#(This gif is pre-custom windowskins sadly. Next game dev update will have them though!)#Thank you all for being here at the start of my journey B*)#By the way yeah I do think WWX would be a menace when it comes to taking his medication.#WWX's toxic masculinity trait is thinking he's invincible and doesn't need medication.#He would get worms and go 'Nah my immune system will handle it.' Which. No. Please take worms seriously.#LWJ on the other hand would be the model medication taker. He's got a schedule. A weekly organizer. He's a doctor's dream patient.
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Previous week was harsh with amount of work and I couldn't draw the next Doctor, BUT!
Fourteen rolls in! The Doctor × Posing
The idea of long-haired Fourteen belongs to @nipuni, I just couldn't pass by ^^
#long-haired Fourteen supremacy#can we also talk about grey strands of hair?#he is still mister flexibility and hyperactivity#just a little calmer#time lord#the doctor#doctor who#dw#dr who#doctor who fanart#dr who fanart#fourteenth doctor#14th doctor#fourteen#david tennant#art#artists on tumblr#my art#fanart#raspbel art
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12 Months of 12 - September
#Bit late this month because I was Quite Unwell#I was going to skip September but I thought no. I've come this far#and now I'm glad I didn't because I think this is my strongest month of 12 Months of 12 so far#doctor who fanart#twelfth doctor#clara oswald#whouffaldi#doctor who series 9#twelveclara#dont want to talk about the light source#I thought this up while listening to Bahama Mama by Alphonso Johnson#I usually think of them when I listen to it#also the Gallifreyan on the monitor is a scaled down version of my banner#it says 'do you think I care for you so little betraying me would make a difference'#at least it does if I did it right#i slaved away for hours on this now tell me you like it#12 months of 12
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