#i need the doctor to die again
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i heard that when the doctor was gone yarnaby became unresponsive to anyone he is holding onto the memory of him
#i will carry the yarnaby angst nation if i have to#also i found this info thru the wiki#so hooopefully its true#and if it is true#i need the doctor to die again#LOOK WHAT HE DID TO HIM#MY SON..#why is no one talking about yarnabys story </3..#poppy playtime chapter 4#poppy playtime fanart#poppy playtime#yarnaby
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Doctor who but every episode has River Song in it and the main character is River Song and the episodes are about River Song and the seasons are about River Song and the whole name of the show changes to River Song
#(this is a joke for legal purposes)#and I can die happy#because River song is there#my wife my woman THE LEGEND#I pray to her every night in hopes I can see her again#I need u curly hair bad bitch#river song come back to me come back to meeee#doctor who#dr who#dw#river song#alex kingston
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Eyk Larsen not knowing how body physiology works and staring RESPECTFULLY at Maura Franklin's EYES will always be famous
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And then there's her being even worse and I just can't with them anymore!
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/cb0f0267bee244939708561870f070db/d3b960984ff4e56d-96/s540x810/38c7782a8af406ab6dc99917a17863f364ac123f.jpg)
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#1899#1899 netflix#eyk larsen#maura franklin#eyk x maura#he is not being obvious#not at all#he's got phd in subtlety#i swear if someone looked at me like that i would die#maura is stronger than me#i need them back#someone sedate me#this isn't normal#bring them back to me!!#yes i am spiraling again thanks for asking#they were insane for this#captain obvious of the ship hearteyes#doctor obvious#maura *my middle name isn't henriette it's touch the captain* franklin#them not even kissing once is going to haunt me forever#i need someone to release me
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me when I dont want oestrogen or progesterone but my mother has explicitly said she doesnt want me on testosterone (fair enough I guess??) or blockers (ok but wtf with that one I already have massive tits what more do you want from me smh 🙄🙄/silly /hj): so.. ignore the problem for longer then? :D
#No but seriously having to convince like 7 separate doctors that I am in fact seriously struggling and do in fact seriously need help like..#every time I want anything diagnosed/looked at or like.. need help with. Fucking miserable!! Tempted to just die in a blanket cocoon or sm#instead.#cant fucking put myself through this AGAIN. I don’t want to see another fucking doctor I just want to not be dying for like 32 days each#month. Is that so much to ask for ? SMH.#GRRRR#ummmm this has gotten more vent/rant -y as I’ve gone along sorry chat!
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STARLIGHT STRINGS CAT FIC IS UP I CAN FINALLY FUCKING REST
#i feel great oh mgyfod#starlight strings au#doctor who#ending is rushed thats because i HATE WRITING AND I NEEDED TO DIE#im so glad its done. im never doing anything again#spoop speaks
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If anxiety was a doctor who episode it would just be Boom on repeat
#doctor who#just popped into my head like imagine the doctor stepping on a landmine and then everything is saved#but then he has to do all of that again#and watch the same people die and almost die#and he almost dies#and the constant stress being on that landmine#anxiety constantly making you feel you need to always be prepared for a fight#that on repeat just never be relaxed and the threat of death is always there#new who#fifteenth doctor#the doctor#mental illness#i have too many ideas
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Looking back at the "severe" social anxiety diagnosis I got as a teen ..
It's like, if I went to a therapist and said: "I do not like being stabbed with knives. I do activly avoid situations that involve me being stabbed with knives. When I have to face a situation where I can expect to be stabbed with knives, I dread it and can sometimes not bring myself to pull through, no matter how much I want to reap the benefit I am after, that requires the situation."
And the therapist went: "Oh, so you're irrationally afraid of people. Got it."
#this is about being trans mostly#have you considered that avoidance is the most normal response to hurtfull things#I am so mad about the medical gegligence and malpractice I had to endure throughout my life.#negligence#fuck#but then again; people like me along with out pain and sorrow are invisible and don't matter#transmasc#transandrophobia#fuck capitalism#nonbinary#non binary#genderqueer#people are always 'doctors are important' and shit but I have yet to meet one doctor that even isn't activly awful. The bar is on the#fucking ground#yet among the 20-30 Doctors I have met#none could clear it. there were like 2 who I didn't interact long enought with to determine anything#whe rest quickly proved themselves.#and trans issues is only the littelest part here. the outright treating me as a second class human and basically sa take the cake for worst#but the systemic apathy and not doing anything to help me#a child that has expressed urgent help needed#abusive teachers and family and not a single support person in my life and they ignored me#now I'm still stuck with my 'parents' (not that they ever did that job) who continue their abuse unchanged to this day but now I'm also#severly burnt out (untreated for years now)#and compleatly unable to do literally anything beyond some! hygene and getting food from the kitchen as needed. but yeah#i totally don't need help.#idek why I am writing this. just venting into a new void I guess. whatever. i'll die soon anyways. my body is telling me. the extended#isolation#and unhealthy lifestyle is gonna kill me and then noone will care either
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If I think too hard about how the Doctor is so ready to sacrifice Jack Harkness then I start feeling shrimp emotions.
Even before Jack gets his immortality. In the Parting of the Ways, the Doctor sends Rose away but he knows. He knows he's sending Jack to die, and Jack knows it as well. And he doesn't even try to get Jack to safety.
The Doctor is willing to send Jack to his death and Jack will always be willing to die for him.
#wren rambles#doctor who#captain jack harkness#its two soldiers recognising each other#its Nine looking at Jack and seeing himself#its Nine recognising the need for redemption in Jack#they are so similar#Jack is a reflection of everything bad in the Doctor#too raw a reminder of who he had become during the time war#jack says you saved me and i will die for you (again and again and again and again and again)#the Doctor says to be saved you have to die#because thats what i had to do#he gives Jack the opportunity to redeem himself through death#a choice he denies his other companions
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i’m so intrigued by dannyclara despite not shipping them. i think that relationship is an interesting addition to clara’s character arc and i’m still trying to to figure out it’s purpose.
#read tags#doctor who#doctor who meta#clara oswald#clara oswald meta#danny pink#twelfth doctor#discussion#tagging pinkswald but let it be known i don’t ship them.#i think they were cute for what they were though.#it’s hard for me to view their relationship without being blinded by twelveclara but i’m trying.#my reason for not shipping them is due to clara’s treatment of him which i feel people don’t bring up often enough.#the only thing danny ever asked of clara was to stop lying.#twelveclaras tend to act as if he was possessive or territorial or demanding but he wasn’t.#he wasn’t insanely jealous in the caretaker. twelve was. he just wanted to know what was going on.#even in motoe he checked in to ask clara if she’s really sure she wants to stop travelling. she had no need to lie.#in the flatline script he says ‘if you’re back with the doctor it’s okay. you don’t have to lie to me.’#yet time and time again clara does.#clara may have loved danny but there was no trust.#she continually broke his trust. she never felt like she could confide him.#despite this i still view clara as a fundamentally selfless character.#i now think this is why she was willing to die to be with him dark water. she felt that was the least she could to make up for her lies.#i hesitate referring to it as a punishment because being with danny could never be that for her but i do think it was because of guilt.#it’s that lack of trust that makes her hang up in a sense.
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I hate the doctors I don't ever want to go ever <- person with so many medical issues
#i have a doctor's appointment in like a day and a half#and i am dreading it so fucking much#not even because the appointments going to be bad!!! it shouldn't be!!!#it should be a basic 'i go in‚ the doctor tells me what medication i need‚ i go get the medication' visit that's IT!!!#at least that's what it should be!!#but ough. the drive. cars are very‚ very‚ very rough on me. they make me feel like I'm gonna die. like‚ physically.#something about the shakiness and the fast motion just makes all my organs crumple up and strangle themselves on each other and it hurts#so like. by the time i actually GET to the doctor's i know I'm gonna be curled up in a ball crying and barely able to walk#just from GETTING TO THE DOCTORS to try to FIX THE ORGAN ISSUES that they CAN'T FIGURE OUT right now#honestly just fucking kill me now i don't ever want to be in a moving vehicle ever again just thinking about it stresses me out#vent
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i love when my nervous system can’t tell the difference between waiting for an appointment and being chased by a man with a gun and a flamethrower
#like why do i feel like this#ITS A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT#i hate my brain i hate my nervous system#this one makes sense for me to be More anxious about but not This anxious about#literally popping propranolol like it’s fucking candy the past two days#i don’t even know if it’s helping i feel like when i’m this far gone it doesn’t even do anything#and it’s making me feel anxious about other stupid shit too#not gonna get into all that but like!!!#why do i feel like every aspect of my life is on fire when i’m literally just waiting for a fucking phone call#i just really really really want to stop stressing about the stupid fucking bmi thing#like how many fucking times have i said it that is THE reason i chose her#she doesn’t have the requirement#WHY WOULD YOU SCHEDULE ME AT THE FACILITY THAT DOES#honestly thank fucking god i haven’t had weight issues in the past lovebodyneutrality#cause like this is causing me so much fucking anxiety i don’t want to lose weight i haven’t wanted to lose weight i currently CANT EVEN#CAUSE MY LEG IS BROKEN#how am i supposed to do Anything to help this situation#literally can do nothing but Try to not think about it but my pure ocd looooves a thought spiral🙃🙃🙃🙃#thinking that i’m helping but thinking it through but nope!! thats actually iust making it so much worse!! those are in fact compulsions!!#and yet i Can’t Stop#chat how to stop thinking about the thing#i cannot distract myself i’ve never been able to distract myself from shit i’m this anxious about#try to watch tv and have to pause and have thought spirals or i’m gonna puke#try to do a hobby but can’t have to stop and have thought spirals or i’ll die#how to stop doing ocd compulsions when the compulsions are Your Thoughts#maybe i need to go back to my psych and try some different meds again#we havent been sure if it is ocd or just autism for like literal years but i’m feeling Pretty Sure..it would make so much sense😭😭😭#maybe i should stop saying that til ik for sure..but like several drs have asked me if i have it😭i just haven’t been able to accept it😭#also that’s not even what this is about why am i stressing about that shut the fuck up omg#i love pissing myself off talking to myself in the tags of my tumblr posts
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there’s a progression in there, somewhere, of even going from ‘the master might kill me any day now :(‘ to ‘the master is going to kill me :) she’s not going to let someone else do it after all this time’
#i wouldn’t call it hubris exactly. more like this pretty secure surity that that’s how they’re going to die.#and to them that makes sense. they chose this. they keep choosing it after the doctor offers them a way out.#because this is. they understand this. and they feel safe in the reprieve before their death.#how do you control death? choose who kills you. the last defense of a prey animal.#something something dark mirror to clara’s ‘i am owed’ speech for even is if this ever. doesn’t work out the way they thought it would.#clara tried to threaten the doctor so that he’d reverse death for her. even would turn on the master if she tried to spare them.#i am owed better. i am owed the death you promised… i am owed the knowledge that you don’t care enough to save me… you know. something like#that.#even is. kind of. meant to mirror the doctor’s companions at the time. they are a martha who can’t leave him. they are a donna who has to#remember and never speak about everything they know. they are clara if during deep breath clara reached back and truly didn’t expect. truly#hoped. that no one would take her hand. because if they can be certain it will happen they can know never to reach again.#jesus christ. go to therapy boy. you have so many trust issues.#but that’s why they’re Like That with the master because at the end of the day. who is easier to rely on? the guy who comes in to put out#fires but only sometimes. or the guy who. really really fucking likes starting fires.#better to get burned hoping someone is coming or get burned knowing that’s what would happen. and even. chooses the latter.#AND ALL OF THIS. for me to say thats why i cant actually let the master ever kill them.#i think she needs to do something worse to even. i think she needs to abandon them.#and that will either set them free to go have healthy normal relationships or. lets be honest much more likely. completely fucking break#them. which would be fun :) for me.#dw oc
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beginning of the year when you have chronic illness is just scheduling appointments with all your doctors
#i say beginning but january is over half over wtf#me/cfs crash always just taking weeks away from me#i like my primary doc a lot but his adhd and my adhd means its always chaotic#he forgets to put referalls in sometimes 😭 or will hyperfocus on one random thing i said and im like no thats not what im here for today#he knows im trans and is a trans friendly doc which is why i go there but one time he hyperfocused on taking t for like ever even though#he knows i dont want to get on t 😭 he started talking about the effects and like ended up talking about higher sex drive and i wanted to die#and my dad was like 😬#but i need multiple referalls to get new docs because my last endo got insufferable and like doesnt believe in fibro or whatever and#my last allergist like tried to gaslit me into thinking i made shit up?? like allergies can change but he straight up like acted like#my previous allergist didnt exist and didnt test me and find allergies#like who makes up allergies for fun and cuts out a bunch of food for fun#he was so condescending it sucked so i never went back after my last skin testing#being disabled is just constantly having bad experiences with doctors and then not going back and so you dont get help until#you bring it up again to get a new one 😭#literally got bullied as a child by a doctor so didnt go back and my osteoporosis was ignored by everyone#rey actually speaks#damn sorry long vent#medical trauma is real and constant for disabled people
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going through my photos and its like wow…. august through october was a fucking nightmare for me
#jc’s cawing#i dony really regret being in those servers but like ???#for context i screenshotted everytime my crush at the time texted me something that i thought seemed romantic#because i feared it would block me once i actually told it#and so i could cry about it on my side blog that i had#always gotta assume the worst of people!!!#anyways#i just??? idk man#maybe im not used to friends being really affectionate???#i think i just get attracted to people way too easily#im very picky with the people i like and when i DO like someone i get way too attached to them#or maybe im right saying that asking me to be a character that you called gay for another character is gonna make me think you want me#(it was sherlock and watson btw)#like you sent a video that had the desc ‘i want a gf/bf so bad’ ???#AM I CRAZY. AM I CRAZY FOR THINKING IT WANTED ME.#all the ‘i thought of you’s as well….#thats my number one weakness#if you tell me you thought of me while i was gone i will instantly fold#i would show the screenshots but i dont hate it that much to show private conversations#anyways!!#looking through different stuff now because i need closure from that shit#the funniest person in that server was snips oh my fucking god im crying#‘No... Chachi...WE CAN'T LET OUR ALPHA DIE’ HELLO????? 😭😭#‘THE DOCTOR AND MY PARENTS WERE NOT LOOKSMAXXING’ ??? 😭😭#from merro btw#‘instead of suicide you just fruited everywhere’ thank you for your wonderful commentary charlie 😭😭#THE UQUIZ REPUBLICAN RESULT?????#‘JC >!??! MORE LIKE BETRAY ME >?!?? top 10 jokes that make more sense when you say them out loud’ 😭😭#dude where the fuck did merro go#they just disappeared one day and i never saw them again
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Anyway just had a breakdown time to go on tumblr and be silly on a soap ask blog 🤑
#watch me absolutely DIE#mr baldsamon you need to like#wear that wig again and follow me around school pls 🙏#IM GONNA ACTUALLY EXPLODE I CAN'T TAKE THIS AMYNORE I JUST WANNA CRY IN SOMEONES ARM AND BE CARED FOR#uhm#also i think i might have bpd I'll have to do research and then talk to my doctor 😋#*pulls at neck collar* eeerrrmmm guys why does every vent blog i follow always tag their stuff with bpd in mind like now im questioning#i have to call my friend now so we can do homework but i also wanna call my twin 😔#alice if you see this and you aren't busy at all call me </3#GUH
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One question that's still on my mind is if servants are based on the user's soul, why are Raven and Valentines the same?
#like on a meta level- it's probably not too complicated they probably just reused the servants so people can play as Raven#but on a “I need to pick apart little details or I'll die” level I want to imagine there's more to it#obviously theres enough details of both where you could decids one or the other but I definitely think the tribe was Ravens first#while the tribe is a pretty equal mix of gothic lolita and horror elements I definitely feel a stronger read that they came from Raven#gateau skin and blancmange especially due to their birdlike features (plus. blancmange is straight up a plague doctor-)#which makes me assume Valentine may have seen them and adopted that image as her own#the only unique enemies Valentine has that Raven doesn't would be the vizuel which DO feel entirely her own#and they're maids wearing suffocating gas masks that look like they can barely stand when they're idle#and talk about how they'll die if they come back without completing their mission. Lamenting that they'll probably die if they do as well.#which is so INTERESTING...#thats so much good insight into Valentine right there I'm going insane#sorry if any of this is off base or didn't make sense- I got up and immediately started thinking about Valentine again#yappin'
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