#i need the doctor to die again
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i heard that when the doctor was gone yarnaby became unresponsive to anyone he is holding onto the memory of him
#i will carry the yarnaby angst nation if i have to#also i found this info thru the wiki#so hooopefully its true#and if it is true#i need the doctor to die again#LOOK WHAT HE DID TO HIM#MY SON..#why is no one talking about yarnabys story </3..#poppy playtime chapter 4#poppy playtime fanart#poppy playtime#yarnaby
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Doctor who but every episode has River Song in it and the main character is River Song and the episodes are about River Song and the seasons are about River Song and the whole name of the show changes to River Song
#(this is a joke for legal purposes)#and I can die happy#because River song is there#my wife my woman THE LEGEND#I pray to her every night in hopes I can see her again#I need u curly hair bad bitch#river song come back to me come back to meeee#doctor who#dr who#dw#river song#alex kingston
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Eyk Larsen not knowing how body physiology works and staring RESPECTFULLY at Maura Franklin's EYES will always be famous


And then there's her being even worse and I just can't with them anymore!


#1899#1899 netflix#eyk larsen#maura franklin#eyk x maura#he is not being obvious#not at all#he's got phd in subtlety#i swear if someone looked at me like that i would die#maura is stronger than me#i need them back#someone sedate me#this isn't normal#bring them back to me!!#yes i am spiraling again thanks for asking#they were insane for this#captain obvious of the ship hearteyes#doctor obvious#maura *my middle name isn't henriette it's touch the captain* franklin#them not even kissing once is going to haunt me forever#i need someone to release me
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me when I dont want oestrogen or progesterone but my mother has explicitly said she doesnt want me on testosterone (fair enough I guess??) or blockers (ok but wtf with that one I already have massive tits what more do you want from me smh 🙄🙄/silly /hj): so.. ignore the problem for longer then? :D
#No but seriously having to convince like 7 separate doctors that I am in fact seriously struggling and do in fact seriously need help like..#every time I want anything diagnosed/looked at or like.. need help with. Fucking miserable!! Tempted to just die in a blanket cocoon or sm#instead.#cant fucking put myself through this AGAIN. I don’t want to see another fucking doctor I just want to not be dying for like 32 days each#month. Is that so much to ask for ? SMH.#GRRRR#ummmm this has gotten more vent/rant -y as I’ve gone along sorry chat!
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If anxiety was a doctor who episode it would just be Boom on repeat
#doctor who#just popped into my head like imagine the doctor stepping on a landmine and then everything is saved#but then he has to do all of that again#and watch the same people die and almost die#and he almost dies#and the constant stress being on that landmine#anxiety constantly making you feel you need to always be prepared for a fight#that on repeat just never be relaxed and the threat of death is always there#new who#fifteenth doctor#the doctor#mental illness#i have too many ideas
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If I think too hard about how the Doctor is so ready to sacrifice Jack Harkness then I start feeling shrimp emotions.
Even before Jack gets his immortality. In the Parting of the Ways, the Doctor sends Rose away but he knows. He knows he's sending Jack to die, and Jack knows it as well. And he doesn't even try to get Jack to safety.
The Doctor is willing to send Jack to his death and Jack will always be willing to die for him.
#wren rambles#doctor who#captain jack harkness#its two soldiers recognising each other#its Nine looking at Jack and seeing himself#its Nine recognising the need for redemption in Jack#they are so similar#Jack is a reflection of everything bad in the Doctor#too raw a reminder of who he had become during the time war#jack says you saved me and i will die for you (again and again and again and again and again)#the Doctor says to be saved you have to die#because thats what i had to do#he gives Jack the opportunity to redeem himself through death#a choice he denies his other companions
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i’m so intrigued by dannyclara despite not shipping them. i think that relationship is an interesting addition to clara’s character arc and i’m still trying to to figure out it’s purpose.
#read tags#doctor who#doctor who meta#clara oswald#clara oswald meta#danny pink#twelfth doctor#discussion#tagging pinkswald but let it be known i don’t ship them.#i think they were cute for what they were though.#it’s hard for me to view their relationship without being blinded by twelveclara but i’m trying.#my reason for not shipping them is due to clara’s treatment of him which i feel people don’t bring up often enough.#the only thing danny ever asked of clara was to stop lying.#twelveclaras tend to act as if he was possessive or territorial or demanding but he wasn’t.#he wasn’t insanely jealous in the caretaker. twelve was. he just wanted to know what was going on.#even in motoe he checked in to ask clara if she’s really sure she wants to stop travelling. she had no need to lie.#in the flatline script he says ‘if you’re back with the doctor it’s okay. you don’t have to lie to me.’#yet time and time again clara does.#clara may have loved danny but there was no trust.#she continually broke his trust. she never felt like she could confide him.#despite this i still view clara as a fundamentally selfless character.#i now think this is why she was willing to die to be with him dark water. she felt that was the least she could to make up for her lies.#i hesitate referring to it as a punishment because being with danny could never be that for her but i do think it was because of guilt.#it’s that lack of trust that makes her hang up in a sense.
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tbh the pitt took me by surprise because I don’t like medical dramas or hospitals and I’ve been to the er countless times and tell nurses coming at me with needles that I really really don’t like them but I’ve cried once an episode at least
#I Think I just super super appreciative of showing how hard covid was IS for healthcare workers#I went in at 29 weeks pregnant with a hr of 248 bpr#(baby was fine so I was fine when I knew that) but I needed and iv#poor guy came at me pissed off already saying ‘I don’t like you but medical school was a good choice you’re good at that’#didn’t feel a thing he laughed I was sent upstairs for overnight and that was my most boring er visit thankfully#but that getting my appendix out during my first pregnancy at 28 weeks#can’t get pregnant again I might die at 30 weeks at this rate#won’t even repeat what I told my doctor doing my spinal tap for a meningitis test#(during my appendectomy I was awake and talked to my surgeon about soups)
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there’s a progression in there, somewhere, of even going from ‘the master might kill me any day now :(‘ to ‘the master is going to kill me :) she’s not going to let someone else do it after all this time’
#i wouldn’t call it hubris exactly. more like this pretty secure surity that that’s how they’re going to die.#and to them that makes sense. they chose this. they keep choosing it after the doctor offers them a way out.#because this is. they understand this. and they feel safe in the reprieve before their death.#how do you control death? choose who kills you. the last defense of a prey animal.#something something dark mirror to clara’s ‘i am owed’ speech for even is if this ever. doesn’t work out the way they thought it would.#clara tried to threaten the doctor so that he’d reverse death for her. even would turn on the master if she tried to spare them.#i am owed better. i am owed the death you promised… i am owed the knowledge that you don’t care enough to save me… you know. something like#that.#even is. kind of. meant to mirror the doctor’s companions at the time. they are a martha who can’t leave him. they are a donna who has to#remember and never speak about everything they know. they are clara if during deep breath clara reached back and truly didn’t expect. truly#hoped. that no one would take her hand. because if they can be certain it will happen they can know never to reach again.#jesus christ. go to therapy boy. you have so many trust issues.#but that’s why they’re Like That with the master because at the end of the day. who is easier to rely on? the guy who comes in to put out#fires but only sometimes. or the guy who. really really fucking likes starting fires.#better to get burned hoping someone is coming or get burned knowing that’s what would happen. and even. chooses the latter.#AND ALL OF THIS. for me to say thats why i cant actually let the master ever kill them.#i think she needs to do something worse to even. i think she needs to abandon them.#and that will either set them free to go have healthy normal relationships or. lets be honest much more likely. completely fucking break#them. which would be fun :) for me.#dw oc
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Anyway just had a breakdown time to go on tumblr and be silly on a soap ask blog 🤑
#watch me absolutely DIE#mr baldsamon you need to like#wear that wig again and follow me around school pls 🙏#IM GONNA ACTUALLY EXPLODE I CAN'T TAKE THIS AMYNORE I JUST WANNA CRY IN SOMEONES ARM AND BE CARED FOR#uhm#also i think i might have bpd I'll have to do research and then talk to my doctor 😋#*pulls at neck collar* eeerrrmmm guys why does every vent blog i follow always tag their stuff with bpd in mind like now im questioning#i have to call my friend now so we can do homework but i also wanna call my twin 😔#alice if you see this and you aren't busy at all call me </3#GUH
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One question that's still on my mind is if servants are based on the user's soul, why are Raven and Valentines the same?
#like on a meta level- it's probably not too complicated they probably just reused the servants so people can play as Raven#but on a “I need to pick apart little details or I'll die” level I want to imagine there's more to it#obviously theres enough details of both where you could decids one or the other but I definitely think the tribe was Ravens first#while the tribe is a pretty equal mix of gothic lolita and horror elements I definitely feel a stronger read that they came from Raven#gateau skin and blancmange especially due to their birdlike features (plus. blancmange is straight up a plague doctor-)#which makes me assume Valentine may have seen them and adopted that image as her own#the only unique enemies Valentine has that Raven doesn't would be the vizuel which DO feel entirely her own#and they're maids wearing suffocating gas masks that look like they can barely stand when they're idle#and talk about how they'll die if they come back without completing their mission. Lamenting that they'll probably die if they do as well.#which is so INTERESTING...#thats so much good insight into Valentine right there I'm going insane#sorry if any of this is off base or didn't make sense- I got up and immediately started thinking about Valentine again#yappin'
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sorry I keep going on about Julian in this book (what do u expect from me he's my favourite character) but another really interesting point thats made multiple times through his POV is that he has to forcefully think of himself in his situation as Lieutenant Bashir and not Doctor Bashir because he is struggling HARD with how torn he is between his duties as a leader and his duties as a doctor
like. Julian has killed multiple Klingons in this novel. and they weren't pleasant deaths- these Klingons actively suffocated to death. he could've helped them, but couldnt, because he's had to keep going and try to re-take the station and save everybody. he's had to stand by and do nothing, literally watching Klingons he could try to save slowly suffocate to death. and thats where the internal conflict for him really comes in, and we see him struggling to keep going as a leader and a lieutenant, because at his core he's a doctor and he's violating his Hippocratic oath several times over, and there's nothing he can do about it
#star trek: ds9#vengeance#julian bashir#Worf just took command and Julian BEGGED to help the surviving Klingons before they died#and Worf wouldnt let him because a) theyre the enemy and b) they need to keep moving#im not screenshotting the entire pages where this is happening but its fascinating to read#I love this internal conflict and how much its tearing Julian up#again this author has such a command of these characters and understands that at his core Julian is a doctor#he's a healer and all he wants to do is help#so forcing him into this position where he has to kill people#and let them die horrible painful deaths#makes for a fucking fascinating read
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#i think getting nearly firecracker-bombed the other evening affected me more than i realized at the time#because this has been by far the worst new year's ever for me#in the past i was never more than mildly annoyed by it and even enjoyed the midnight fireworks climax#but i think i might have actually gotten a bit traumatized by that experience two days ago#and hadn't acknowledged it to myself / processed it. as today/tonight has demonstrated#it's past 3 a.m. now and i'm still crying too hard to sleep#and my whole body has been shaky for the past... 10 hours. or so.#even though the fireworks at midnight weren't really that bad at all#not even close to being as terrifying as the three explosions earlier this evening#which in their turn were easily outdone by the street explosion on saturday night that deafened me#i think i may be having a legit delayed trauma response to that now#re-triggered every time a firework goes off near me#i've never been someone who feels much fear#i feel stress and anger and discomfort and i worry and overthink sometimes#i've done a lot of things in my life while thinking 'well. this might be about to kill me. but we all die someday'#and never till this weekend did i feel terror on this level#(a technically unjustified terror too. bc inside my flat i'm almost 100% safe. so that again suggests a trauma response)#i don't think i've ever cried from sheer fear for my safety before#and every post i see saying 'happy new year' makes me feel sick bc it reminds me of this horrible weekend#it's wild how my lifelong feelings about fireworks could change so completely in the course of just three days#for the first time in my life i feel the need for one of those drugs that blunts your emotions and helps relax you#what is that... xanax or something like that? how do you get it? do you need a prescription?#i feel like a doctor would just scoff if i told them that NYE fireworks traumatized me so bad i need medication now#i've been trembling for hours. i'm so tired. i wish i could sleep#*three days ago
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I fucking hate this world /hj
#yes i tried energy drink again#this time red bull the good one people say#and it STILL did nothing to me#at least it didnt put me to sleep like others do#i hate it i hate how i have NOTHING to energize myself with#every day i feel like shit#cant go to doctor and medicate myself#doubt they would care for my depression/adhd/apnea#and have no external ways like coffee or energy drink#hate this hate this#i want to LIVE not exist#not burn my time away until the day i die#i want to DO things#things i like things that make me happy#i am tired of having no energy or motivation to the point of low key hating the things i like#because they need lots of energy and motivation#i am tired of simply existing!!!#my body and brain feel like a cage
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living alone is all fun and games til you have a medical emergency and there's no one there to help you to the hospital
#eliot posts#im fine now it's just last week's Incident fucked me up a lil#a couple online friends offered to call me an uber#and i maybe could have woken my neighbors up (though i would have felt awful abt that)#but while i was figuring out how to get to the hospital and if i'd be able to like#verbally communicate to whoever was driving where to take me#and explain to the doctors what was wrong with me#and fill out the entrance paperwork#and find my wallet/insurance card and my housekeys before i left#...i had gone unconscious before i could make the decision to find someone to take me#luckily i was mostly fine after i woke up#i knew it wasn't an ''i'm gonna die if i don't go to the hospital'' type medical emergency so i didn't call an ambulance#bc i was not abt to bankrupt myself unless i was Literally Dying#but yeah. eugh. 0/10 do not recommend.#at the VERY LEAST i'm gonna need to have good friends that live very close in the future#i don't want this kind of thing happening to me again#i am gonna be roommates with a very good friend in a few months after i move to the city#and then i'm probably gonna be roommates with a different very good friend in a couple years when i leave the state#both mostly out of financial necessity for us all#but also i thiiink i want to go back to living alone eventually?#unless living with friends goes so great that it changes my mind#it's just like. for the most part i've loved living alone#not just in a ''yay i'm no longer living with my abusers!'' way but like. in general.#i can do whatever the fuck i want in my apartment without having to talk to anyone#chores get done when i want. food gets cooked and eaten when i want. i can take a 2 hour bath no problem. i don't have to close doors.#i can walk around late at night without having to worry about waking anyone up.#when my social battery is drained i know that no one will try to talk to me. when im overstimulated i don't have to tell anyone to be quiet#it's like. the thing with me is every social interaction has a timer where i start thinking#''GOD i cannot fucking wait to go be alone in my nice empty apartment again''#that timer is much longer for some people and situations than others but it is always There even when i'm having a great time
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i miss how i felt before this year.
#i always felt like shit before august but not like this much. im so tired of being chronically dizzy .it feelsl ike my brain is melting.#im constantly dizzy and my eyes cant focus my head and eyes dont feel centered#despite cuting out alot of things its not going away. i cant focus anymore. all i can do is lie down for somewhat relief.#i miss being able to focus on anything at all. and just to exist. even if i felt mentally like shit.#id give anything to feel normal i really would. i just wanna feel better. im not saying no to the doctor. i WANT to#but thers so much sickness risk. thats hteo nly thing stopping me from going. otherwise id go to the doc for every ailment#i need an MRI scan badly to check what hapened back in august. i need a scan for seizures aswell and a heart monitor.#i also need updated labwork for blood and everything. but these things are out of reach unless i go to a reg doctor.#and that exposes me and i cant stand it. last time someone actively had norovirus in the next room over and that same doctor#came up to me like nothing and confirmed it with me. didnt even wash her fucking hands. i was inconsolable and traumatized further.#i dont wanna be around anyone. i wish things were easier for me i wanna go to the doctor. i feel id rather die instead. i cant take this.#i would even take an EAR INFECTION which has deafened me over feeling like this. im not even kidding.#health issues /#venting in tags /#vent art /#vent doodles /#self scribbles -#cicidraws#deleting later- - //#im convinced i had a small stroke back in august and i havent been the same since. now i cant take aspirin. every time i do it worsens dizz#dizziness. i started feeling a little better at one point and took it and it restarted my dizziness again. im sure i have something going o#my anxiety because of feeling this way has been thru the roof and has not stopped being thru the roof. its so hard to calm down.
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